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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/30/25

TITLE:  No Safe Spaces

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2019  MJM Entertainment Group / Dangerous Documentaries / Madison McQueen Films / Atlas Distribution 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This documentary movie is about Adam Carolla and Dennis Prager’s thoughts, along with others, about how today’s society is so out of whack and far from Jesus. The two men discussed political topics together and went around the country on their No Safe Spaces tour. Adam was a co-host for The Man Show and hosted a comedy podcast named after himself, while Dennis was a talk show host and the co-founder of PragerU, a non-profit and top dominating media organization in the world that teaches American Christian values with free educational and entertainment news on their website for all ages. Dennis grew up in Brooklyn, New York, and when he was 21 years old, Dennis said that Israel sent him to the former Soviet Union because he could speak Russian. His mission was to smuggle out the names of Jews and smuggle in religious items. At the time, freedom of speech didn’t exist in Russia and more than 20 million people were silenced by means of murder and starvation in prison camps. The Soviet authorities bugged Dennis’s Russian hotel room. Adam believed that even though he came from an atheist and pagan background, he could be friends with Dennis who was Jewish because they both had common sense. Adam explained that common sense and values should trump LGBTQ, blacks and even trump Trump. Adam grew up in poverty and learned early on that he didn’t like the welfare system because it made people like his mom lazy. She didn’t want a job since she would lose her government checks and enjoyed watching her daily TV shows. Dennis grew up in Brooklyn and back in the day they had freedom of speech, but today Americans were losing that right at places like the UC Berkeley campus. Adam and Dennis weren’t allowed to speak at a university in California and Yale University almost had a riot over Halloween costumes. Dennis went to the University of Wyoming to speak, and protestors branded him racist, anti-Islamic and anti-LGBTQ among other things. Dennis believed that everyone was being brainwashed into believing that they needed to attack conservatives like Dennis and lie about them. Black Lives Matter protestors rioted at a California University when Ben Shapiro, a conservative speaker, said his piece about decency. In 2017, students at California Berkeley students exercised what they thought was free speech by holding a protest to declare war. They brandished signs declaring that trans and gays were good and they wanted to become ungovernable. That incited violence and escalated into a riot with protestors smashing windows and setting fires. It was pointed out that nobody should be silenced in the USA because of the First Amendment. Other countries claimed they also had freedom of speech, but they in fact didn’t and beheaded people in Saudi Arabia for blaspheming, put people in prison in Canada for preaching about Christianity on the street and put people in jail in Russia and China for praising gays. The nationwide Free Speech Movement started in California at Berkeley in 1964. A cartoon short film then featured a character named Firsty who represented the Bill of Rights. Firsty told two young boys that all American freedoms would die if freedom of speech died. A white van with a blue Coexist sticker that symbolized world religions and secularism (Islam, peace symbol, Hindu symbol, Star of David, pentacle for Wiccans, yin-yang and Christian Cross) then pulled up, and the villain inside opened fire on Firsty and killed him with multiple gunshots in front of the children. Dennis spoke at a Brooklyn university and told the class that he was a Jew, but his idea of freedom of speech was letting the Nazis do and say whatever they wanted to in America even after they killed 6 million Jews during WWII. Dennis hoped that the good would outweigh the bad. Adam told a crowd that after high school, he did carpentry and odd jobs. Five or six years after he put in an application for the fire department, he was summoned for an interview. There was a small female behind Adam in line, and he couldn’t tell if she was black or Latino but she informed him that she applied for the job a few days before. Adam knew the fire department had unfair hiring practices based on race because he didn’t grow up as a privileged white boy as other people thought. Safe spaces were places created by liberals and universities to mess with the minds of students and make them believe that they needed those places order to deal with reality. That included special rooms for LGBTQ people to retreat to when they felt upset or triggered by an event, and even the South Park cartoon supported the Safe Space movement. Some people argued that having safe spaces in college environments defeated the purpose of going to college because the students wouldn’t be able to handle the real world once they graduated. A cartoon called the Social Justice Warriors featured superhero-like characters that smashed Starbucks windows and claimed that they were victims when they were fascist and racist attackers. The Simpsons cartoon created ungodly chaos in the minds of HIS children with mocked politics; signs that Shakespeare was murder and even wanted the removal of swords from statues. In reality USA, conservatives weren’t included in equality and were silenced for their beliefs, so they didn’t get hired at universities. The professors with conservative views felt threatened and wouldn’t speak out because they knew they would lose their jobs (such as Robert Frost, a Christian, who taught in Vermont). At Berkeley, Senator Chow was backlashed and voted out by her fellow students for being Christian and going against LGBTQ. Hayden Williams, another Berkeley student and a Turning Point USA activist, was pushed around and punched by another student on campus for handing out items supporting freedom of speech. A professor admitted that when he was at Brooklyn College, he was a conservative but was now a liberal because a conservative in the old days took away freedom of speech but today it was flipped and the liberals were taking away that freedom from the conservatives. It got to the point where if conservatives wanted to have certain speakers on campus, they had to pay thousands of dollars for extra security because of the people that would gang together to protest and silence the conservatives. Berkeley was called out for putting extra restrictions on conservative speakers such as Ann Coulter, whose presence caused all the rioters to come out before she even arrived. Dennis explained that the university was supposed to be the most open place for freedom of speech, but with today’s ideology it was the most closeted. At the Wilfrid Laurier university in Canada, a teacher’s assistant named Lindsay Shepard showed her class a video clip of University of Toronto professor/psychologist Jordan Peterson and Canadian professor of transgender studies Nicholas Matte debating freedom of speech, genders and rights. Lindsay stayed neutral in the debate and then secretly recording the meeting with her supervisors who were upset with her for not taking the side that they wanted her to. Whatever an individual was against, such as transgender, the people would come at you full force to silence you if they didn’t agree with it and the mass majority did. At the Evergreen State College in Washington, there were public signs supporting LGBTQ. Stacy Brown, the chief of police, was notified that the students were becoming more violent and getting too out of control for just two officers to handle. In 2017, the Evergreen faculty put out a notice advising white people not to show up to the Day of Absence event so people of color could be in the spotlight. Professor Bret Weinstein, a biologist and evolutionary theorist, was white and showed up to work anyway, and the students chanted for him to be fired. The gangster students lied that he was a racist and blocked the police from getting to Bret’s classroom, so the president was forced into a meeting where the student speakers declared that whiteness was an abomination. A day after the protest, Evergreen students barricaded the roadway and stopped cars from going to the university. The president told the security to stand down and allow it. Bret bicycled to work and took the first exit when he saw the protestors. The campus police told Bret they couldn’t protect him and he was no longer safe from the students there or anywhere in the area and town. Everyone was downplaying the event that happened at Evergreen, but Bret believed it was something that would lead to more catastrophes through all the colleges in the US over the next few years. Riots broke out everywhere and put police officers’ lives in danger since the violent protestors were often wore masks so they couldn’t be recognized and found out for their crimes. Google fired multiple employees that spoke out against diversity, and corporations were uniting together to silence people from their Christian values. Tim Allen’s sitcom Last Man Standing, the number #2 highest-rated show, got cancelled after six years on the air for bringing values and morals into universities. The illegal silencing of God’s people must stop as the USA was founded upon Jesus and HIS values and written by our Founding Fathers in all of our sacred government legal documents. It was said that Google, YouTube, Twitter and Facebook unite together and ban those voices they decide shouldn’t be heard while allowing speakers who supported their own ungodly agendas to be in the public eye. Those said giant corporations policed global communicates and decide who gets terminated and what speech was considered hateful in their eyes. Such as one Christian woman who was targeted in 2019 and had her online Twitter account shut down after making a valid tweet that transgender is a mental illness. Soon after, in 2020, one of the first transgender politicians in the USA was elected in the state of Vermont (God loving Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys would be on the warpath again if alive today) and it is no coincidence that the Twitter victim of the suspended account (still suspended as of August 2025 after numerous appeals and even a BBB complaint) was raised right as a Christian in the state of Vermont. Dennis was an admirer of classical music, so he was invited to participate in a fundraiser for the Santa Monica Symphony Orchestra at the Walt Disney Concert Hall. However, a few members of the orchestra boycotted the event one month before it happened because of Dennis’s political views. Jordan Peterson made a comment that life was a fatal sexually transmitted disease and the only way to cure people was to encourage them to stand up for themselves. Dennis believed that some people who are unhappy are just addicted to being unhappy, and Adam advised people to overcome any disability they had and not become a victim. Dennis went to Clark Atlanta University in Georgia and spoke with a few African-American students who believed that racism was now systematic that carried over from generation to generation. Dennis informed him that a large percentage of white people did not have slave-owning ancestors, such as his own family who were Jews from Poland and also suffered a great deal. The Clark University Georgia black students argued that they felt (black people) were oppressed by modern-day white people that they based upon something that happened centuries ago, and those students never lived through. Everyone today had equal rights regardless of race, but somehow there was a hellfire hate inside the minds of some people who couldn’t move on. Shelby Steele, a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution, stated that people couldn’t stop reinventing oppression and that was the poison that was holding them back so they couldn’t live their life the way God intended without hate for another race. We live in a world where 58% of Americans cannot say what they think without being targeted by specific groups that band together to tear their innocent victims apart. When Ben Shapiro was scheduled to speak at Berkeley (near the Berkeley CA building where the First Amendment was first questioned in 1964), it cost almost $600,000 for extra police and security because of the criminals lying in wait that planned to break laws and inflict violent destruction instead of peaceful protesting. Ben spoke and called people out for blaming their failures on their country instead of identifying the real reasons behind it and asked people to tell him why they thought they were victims in a civil way. Adam was summoned by Congress to testify, and he stated that the delinquent kids (non Christian) who were causing riots around the country at the universities and schools are being taught by adults that didn’t want to do their jobs and show authority to keep the unruly students in line so that everybody could get the education they deserve in our free country without the interference of violence and hate. The Evergreen State College paid $500,000 to Bret Weinstein and Heather Heying and they are no longer professors there. Berkeley paid conservative students thousands of dollars for silencing their freedom of speech. Lindsay and Jordan both filed lawsuits against the university, which in turn filed a lawsuit against Lindsay for releasing the videotape PragerU is still fighting YouTube and Google in California and federal courts over their unlawful video policing policies. The two men included a clip of Obama who stated that you should argue with anyone you had a difference of opinion with but certainly don’t silence them. Never let the hateful mob and their ugly lies silence the Jesus in you and instead speak out for what you believe in. Dennis advised everyone, after showing a photo of Dennis in Russia again as a young man, that the only way to do good was to be courageous and take the abuse. As it turned out, the boycott backfired and the symphony was a total sellout with Dennis present at the Disney owned entertainment facility and Dennis helped conduct the show. The finale was that America is the true safe space. This movie grossed over $1 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Variety “Smart, vital, urgent, and provacative (provocative).” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/24/25

TITLE:  The Invention of Lying 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Warner Bros. Pictures / Radar Pictures / Media Rights Capital / Lynda Obst Productions / Focus Features International / Universal Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is about Mark Bellison, a British accented man living in the USA, around Massachusetts, who would become the world’s first liar in a modern civilization where people had no concept of lying and were forced to always tell the truth about their emotions and also hateful or embarrassing thoughts they had or things they did. At the start of the movie, Mark visited Anna McDoogles at her apartment. Honest Anna explained that she was horny and was just masturbating in preparation for their date that night and told Mark he was early and made him wait while she finished masturbating upstairs. The male and female went out to eat at the only restaurant that Mark could afford because he was about to lose his job. Anna confessed that she planned to have multiple drinks the night to get through their date, and the male waiter told Mark that he was way out of his league with Anna who already told Mark that she didn’t want to be with him anyway. Anna described herself as being successful because she had good looks, great clothes, a nice apartment and a high-paying job although the unstable female admitted that she spent some days eating and crying in bed. Anna’s mom then called Anna on her cell phone and Anna explained to her mother that Mark wasn’t rich or good-looking and he was fat so Anna didn’t plan on kissing him good night or having sex with him. Later that night, Mark went home and watched a Coca-Cola commercial where Bob Scott explained that they added a polar bear to the can to entice kids to drink the high-sugar drink which would make them and adults overweight. The next day, Mark told his neighbor, Frank Fawcett, that he would probably get fired that day. Frank confessed that he didn’t take enough painkillers the night before to commit suicide that he hoped to achieve eventually. On the street, Mark walked by a man telling everyone that they were all animals and shouldn’t be wearing clothes. He also passed a couple fighting and a poster on a bus stating that Pepsi was only for when you were out of Coke. Mark went to work at Lecture Films, where his coworker was giving a tour and showed the crowd a preview of the upcoming Napoleon film. The man introduced Mark as the company’s least successful screenwriter and explained that he would likely be fired.  The man introduced Mark as the company’s least successful screenwriter and explained that he would likely be fired. Mark’s secretary Shelley Bailey told everyone that Mark was getting fired and wouldn’t take any messages for him even though that was her job, but Mark told her to put his calls through until he did get fired. Shelley announced that she was going to look for a new job while she was at work on Craigslist. Mark was stuck writing about the 14th century, and his boss Anthony James finally fired him because the viewers didn’t like the script he wrote about the Black Plague. Anna then sent Mark an email at his work informing him that she wasn’t interested in him and basically didn’t want to hear from him again. Co-worker Brad Kessler said goodbye to Mark and told him that he had always hated Mark because he was a little man-bit** and even Shelley thought Mark was an overweight homosexual/fat faggot/dumpy queer. In the next scene, Mark went to see his mom Martha at the nursing home called a Sad Place for Hopeless Old People, and the receptionist told Mark that Martha would probably die that day since she was at the top of their death list.Mark just showed up to tell his mom Martha that she was a loser too and he lost his job. Elder Martha told Mark that she wasn’t a loser and she loved him but he said she was a loser and then he left her in the old folk’s home. The next morning, Mark’s landlord came by and wanted the $800 rent because he heard through the grapevine that Mark was out of a job. Mark only had $300, so the landlord evicted him and gave him one day to move out. Mark went to the bank to withdraw the remaining money from his account, but the bank system was temporary down. The bank teller, Jill, asked Mark how much he had in his account so she could withdraw it on his word of honor. Mark’s devious mind decided to tell the first lie in human history, so he lied that he had $800. The system came back online and Jill announced that Mark only had $300. The bank employee Jill believed that the system had a glitch, so she gave Mark the $800 he requested. He left with cash in hand and a devilish grin on his face when he realized what he could do with his invention of lying. He gave the landlord the full rent money and then went to the bar, where he tried out his new lying technique on his bar buddy Greg and Jim the bartender. They were gullible and believed everything Mark said, so he asked them what they could do if they could do anything in the world. Greg wanted to touch girls’ breasts and have sex with them, and Jim agreed. Mark left the bar to do an experiment and told a blonde girl he was attracted to that the world would end if they didn’t have sex immediately. She believed Mark and said it would be preferable at a motel otherwise they would do it on the street. They rented room 222 at the nearest motel, where Mark pretended to get a call from NASA and then told the blonde that the world wouldn’t end. Mark left without doing anything and returned to the bar, where he told his drinking buddy that he would rather use lying to get all the money in the world than boobs. Mark and Greg left the bar on a road trip to get rich. Greg drove after downing some more hard liquor. They were pulled over by motorcycle officer Hendrick, and the driver was worried he would puke on the officer. Officer Hendrick said he was happy they weren’t black men because then he might be on edge and end of shooting them and then he would lose his gun freedoms. Hendrick knew that Mark’s buddy was drunk and announced that they were probably going to jail because Hendrick charged $5400 for a bribe in order to finance the officer’s cocaine addiction and knew by the make and model of car the two couldn’t afford the bribe money. Driver Greg blew in the breathalyzer, and Hendrick confirmed that the man was drunk and told him to get out of the car. Greg refused, so lone officer Hendrick dragged Greg out of the car and forced him on the ground and smacked Greg around. Mark got out of the car and stopped Hendrick from manhandling his buddy, and then Mark lied and told Hendrick that Greg wasn’t drunk. Officer Hendrick immediately apologized for the mistake he made and explained that he was sexually aroused by what he did to Greg, and he questioned if the man had food poisoning. Officer Hendrick let them off the hook, and Greg threw up in the car as Mark drove them to the casino. They bought some casino chips and an employee told them that most of the games were rigged especially the ones connected to the computer. At the roulette table, Mark distracted the casino employee and then cheated by moving his chips to the winning number. Mark then lied to the casino manager that he won the jackpot on the slot machine but didn’t get any money, so the employee went to get the thousands of dollars in cash from the vault and apologized for the faulty machine. Mark and Greg left the casino happy with buckets of money. Mark later met up with Frank, who said that he researched the Internet about suffocation suicide and planned to try it that night. Mark told Frank not to kill himself and they made plans to hang out that night. Mark took the homeless man on the street to the bank, and bank employee Jill gave the homeless guy stacks of cash without question. Mark talked to other people and helped them overcome their challenges, and then Mark went to the nursing home and gave the seniors a pep talk to make them feel better but it didn’t show him visiting with his mom. Mark and Frank hung out and drank Budweiser that night, and then Mark called Anna and asked her out on another date. She agreed but was adamant that it would be their last date. Mark turned on the TV and heard an announcer brag that nobody could write a better screen play than Mark’s nemesis Brad, so Mark stayed up all night writing a script. He soaked it in coffee to make it look old and then barged into Anthony’s office the next day wearing a nice suit. He told Anthony that the papers were an undiscovered piece of history from the 1300s that he found in a treasure chest. Mark convincingly lied through his teeth that the story would become the biggest screenplay in the company’s history, and he read the beginning of it about ancient aliens from Mars crash-landing their spaceship in Babylon. Anthony summoned everyone to his office to hear Mark read the story. It featured ninjas, robots and naked Amazonian alien women and story ended with a wedding on Mars between a Babylonian and a Martian, Jebediah the alien and Aleena the nude Amazonian, that was approved by alien King Wanglor. All the survivors of the Great Ninja War and the Black Plague were invited to the wedding, and then the alien king wiped the memories of the humans to erase the knowledge. Mark ended his story by calling out his coworkers for being hateful to him and his boss for firing him, and the screenplay concluded with Mark being very successful and wealthy for finding the lost (fake) historical documents. Everyone applauded, and Anthony let Mark call the screenplay the Black Plague and believed it would be the greatest film ever written. Mark went out to dinner with Anna at an expensive restaurant where he told her that his dad Richard died in jail for robbing houses and Mark planned to take his mom Martha out of the nursing home and put her in a mansion. Mark tried to convince Anna that they should get together romantically, but she didn’t want to have fat kids. Mark was interrupted by a phone call telling him that Martha was in intensive care after having a heart attack. Mark went to see Martha, and she was worried because the doctor told her she would die that night. The doctor was rude and announced that Martha would definitely have a more severe heart attack and die based upon her vitals. The doctor invited Mark to fajita night in the cafeteria after Martha died as she lay in bed listening. She told Mark that she was worried about an eternity of nothingness, and he tearfully comforted his mom that when she died she would go to her favorite place where she would be young again with no pain and she would be with everyone she loved including Mark’s dad. The doctor and nurses and wanted to know what else happened as they ignored their patient, and then Martha died. Mark left with Anna, who had been waiting for him outside the room, and they went to her apartment where she kept him company and held his hand as they slept on the couch. Mark returned to his apartment to find the news and a crowd of people outside. They questioned Mark about the place they would go to after they died and if they could have sex there. Anna made it to Mark’s apartment, and she convinced him that it would change mankind forever if he put it in writing the make-believe story that he told his mom about there being an eternal heaven since he didn’t believe in God. Greg came by with pizza as hundreds of people waited outside in the dark as the news reported that the world had come to a standstill and everyone in London, Rome, New York City and around the world were waiting to hear what Mark had to say. He wrote down the story on two Pizza Hut boxes and then went outside and presented them to the people like Moses with the Ten Commandments. He read aloud the ten truths and explained that there was an invisible man in the sky who controlled everyone’s lives and decided whether they went to the good or the bad place when they died. They all got three chances to have eternal life, and they would only go to hell if they messed up by doing serious crimes like rape, stealing and murder. Swearing and not feeding one’s dog and it died from starvation were acceptable and wouldn’t affect which place they would go to. When the crowd learned that that the man in the sky caused bad things like the death of loved ones to happen, they all agreed to f**k the man in the sky and wanted to destroy him. Mark explained that the man in the sky also gave them good things and he would reward them with mansions and ice cream in the afterlife if they were good according to one of the Ten Commandments. Everyone calmed down and demanded to know how Mark found out about the Pizza Hut commandments after millions of years of ignorance, and Mark explained that the man in the sky told him. Mark became ridiculously famous and had his face on the cover of Time and other magazines, and the news reported that NASA was searching for the man in the sky. The tabloids stated that the man in the sky was responsible for killing babies with AIDs and causing thousands of people to die in tsunamis while allowing a select woman to live for 104 years. Mark’s company produced the Black Plague film, and Brad flirted with Anna on set. Mark bought a mansion and lived the high life riding around in a limo with Anna and Greg. Mark became an instant celebrity and was surrounded by fans and paparazzi everywhere he went, including the big premiere of the film. The Black Plague was a success and received awards. Mark and Anna later sat together on a park bench, where she dissed everyone she saw and called them losers and nerds. Mark advised Anna to look beyond their outside appearances, and then he told her good qualities about herself without mentioning the bad ones. Anna still couldn’t get past Mark’s bad genetics and explained that it was the reason why she still didn’t want to be with him even though he was rich and loved being around him because they would have ugly and chubby kids. Anna professed her love to Mark, but he told her the truth that nothing could change the appearance of their kids. Groups of people camped outside Mark’s mansion, where Mark was inside drinking beer and writing weird kids’ stories to be published. Anna announced that she was going out on a date with Brad and planned to sleep with him because her and Brad were a perfect match. Mark tried to talk Anna out of it by telling her not to have sex with anyone unless she was married to him according to the new rule. Mark opened the birthday card that Anna gave him and discovered that it was a coupon to have sex with her and the rich man had everything else he wanted. Anna declared that they couldn’t use it because they weren’t married, and Mark wished he hadn’t said anything. It was Brad’s idea to pick Anna up at Mark’s house, and Brad kissed Anna when he arrived. Anna planned to get Mark socks instead of sex, and Brad took the coupon and said that maybe he and Anna would get married to use it. Anna and Brad went to dinner, and he announced that Brad got a promotion and was now charge in writing scripts not just for the 1stcentury but also the 18th, 19th and 20thcenturies. Brad refused to let Anna order chicken in her salad because he didn’t want her to get fat in addition to getting old and wrinkled one day. Anna’s mom called her cell phone again to check on her during the date with Brad. Brad insisted on talking to Anna’s mom himself. Brad quickly hung up on Anna’s mom because she annoyed him, and then the waiter made eyes at Brad as those he were in love with the man. Brad explained that he hated Mark because he was jealous that Mark was the one in the mansion and created the story about the man in the sky. Brad bonded with Anna since the two of them seemed to be matched perfectly. Brad walked by the same people on the street and they still had the same problems despite learning about the man in the sky. Pepsi cashed in on the man in the sky story with a new ad stating that you could take Pepsi with you to the afterlife. Mark, Greg and Frank sat by the poolside at Mark’s mansion hanging out. Frank announced that he was waiting to spend eternity in his mansion in the sky, and until then he was happy to drink alcohol and watch TV alone because he knew that lifestyle would get him to eternity faster. Anna went to visit her mom who was obsessed with Brad and didn’t want to hear about Anna’s feelings for Mark who was doing a TV interview. Anna’s mom called Mark a loser and demanded that Anna talk to Brad on the phone and not blow her chance with him. Mark visited Martha’s grave and told her that he knew there was no mansion or man in the sky and she was just another dead body buried in the ground. Mark wasn’t happy and knew that he would always be a loser and alone. Weeks later, Anna visited Mark who wore a white robe and had grown his beard and hair long to look like Jesus. Anna gave Mark an invitation to her wedding with Brad the following day, and Mark asked Anna not to marry Brad and told her that she would never be old, wrinkly or ugly to him because that was what real love was about. Brad told Anna to have a nice life and he didn’t plan to attend her wedding, so she left in tears. Three bully kids in the park smashed ice cream into chubby Brian’s little face and onto his shirt, so Anna chased the mean boys off and told Brian that he had a great smile. He was happy for her comment, and Anna questioned if Brad was a mistake and realized she may be okay with having fat kids with Mark. The next morning, Greg woke up Mark and convinced Mark to clean up and go to the wedding. At the quaint New England chapel, there was a mosaic of Moses Mark holding the pizza box commandments above the altar. The ceremony itself was a joke and the quack that performed it wore a cross around his neck and asked Brad and Anna if they would protect their offspring and stay with their spouse for only as long as they wanted to. Before they were pronounced husband and wife, the imposter holy man asked anyone with a better genetic matchup was invited to speak out. Mark objected to the wedding and told Anna that he loved her and just because Brad was better looking it didn’t make him a better person or mean that his kids would turn out better than Mark’s. Love was what mattered and it was obvious that Brad didn’t feel that for Anna and she would just be eye candy for him as long as she didn’t wrinkle. Brad suggested that Mark consult the man in the sky on what choice Anna ought to make, but he wouldn’t and walked out. A few minutes later, Anna exited the church alone. Mark told her that he lied and there wasn’t a man in the sky and he made it up because he wanted to comfort his dying mom. Anna declared that she wanted little fat (and rich) kids with snub noses and didn’t care that Mark lied, so the two got married. Years later, Mark and Anna had a chubby young son under 10 years old. Anna was pregnant again and served them a meal that she burned, and their son lied that he liked the food the way his dad taught him. This movie had a budget of $18.5 million and grossed over $32 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Jim Ferguson, ABC-Tv, “Ricky Gervais creates another brilliant comedy.” David Edelstein, New York critic, “Explosively funny.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/22/25 

TITLE:  The Addams Family 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children). 

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2019 MGM Pictures / Universal Pictures (Canada) / Bron Creative / Jackal Group Productions / Cinesite Studios (Vancouver ) / United Artists Releasing

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie began with the gothic Addams family holding an ungodly nighttime wedding ceremony for Gomez and Morticia. The questionable priest quickly married them off with a lime and coconut drink and then fled as a mob of townspeople appeared with torches to drive the dark-minded Addams bunch out of town. The townsfolk catapulted flaming rocks at the Addams clan, who retaliated by using swords to fight and drop the adult people’s pants and expose their underwear. Gomez and Morticia escaped riding on the back of Gomez’s older brother Fester, and the couple dreamed about finding a home in a corrupt place where they could live on the dark side without being judged by others. Gomez and Morticia’s pet detached hand, called Thing, soon after drove their car down a country road in New Jersey. The car hit an inmate from the State Hospital for the Criminally Insane who stood in the middle of the New Jersery rural road. The inmate, Lurch, got back up after the collision and took Gomez and Morticia to spend the night at the scary asylum located on a remote hilltop. The haunted house was abandoned and overrun with rats, and it featured bizarre décor and blood dripping from the walls. Lurch played the organ, and Thing instructed him to play Bach, Beethoven and other songs. Thing gave Lurch a thumbs-down for the Hallelujah Chorus and the Star-Spangled Banner. The monstrous spirit of the house screamed at Gomez and Morticia to get out, but they decided that they loved the horrible, dilapidated mansion and would make it their home. They later had two children, daughter Wednesday and son Pugsley. Their portraits hung on the walls and showed Wednesday reading a book about torture devices and holding an axe in front of Gomez while her baby brother Pugsley played with a venomous black widow spider that Morticia dangled above him. Thirteen years later, the house spirit was still trying to drive the Addams family out of the house by making multiple attempts to harm them. Morticia satisfied the spirit every morning by serving him coffee in the toilet bowl. Thing had a fetish with bare feet and browsed pictures of feet on the laptop. Lurch, who resembled Frankenstein, became the house Butler and read Little Women in his cell bedroom with mattresses for walls. Lurch did the house cleaning by spraying the dust from inside the vacuum all over the house to keep it dirty. The giant leafless tree outside called Ichabod woke the children every morning by sending its branches through the window, breaking glass if unopened, and dragged the kids from their beds. Wednesday was snatched out before her head was chopped off by the guillotine above her bed, and then Pugsley threw an axe at Wednesday which she caught before it hit her. A girl appeared outside the gate and rang her bike bell but left when Wednesday opened the gate. Gomez summoned Pugsley for sword practice in preparation for the Sabre Mazurka, but Pugsley didn’t want to and flew his rocket out of the house and tried multiple times to hit his dad Gomez with it. When that failed and the rocket blew up, Pugsley parachuted towards the ground slinging detonators at Gomez. Gomez batted one of the detonators back at Pugsley, which exploded his parachute in midair and sent him crashing through the roof of the glass greenhouse. Pugsley didn’t want to participate in the Mazurka, but Gomez explained that it was Pugsley’s special day and his entire family would come from all over the world to judge his human character. Gomez made his young teen son give up all his TNT, M-80s, holy hand grenades, Roman candles and bang snaps. Wednesday and Pugsley had a sibling rivalry that led them to do violent things to each other and their parents like throwing knives at the dinner table. Pugsley had put a detonator on the back of Gomez’s chair, and Morticia removed it and threw it out the window before it went off in a huge explosion. Uncle Fester then flew through the glass window, and the brothers danced together on the dinner table “unhappy” to see each other (since the Addams family had a habit of describing their emotions and things they liked using negative words that were the opposite of positive). Gomez had invited Fester there two weeks before the Mazurka to help Pugsley with his sword practice. Wednesday wanted to go beyond the gates to see the outside world and was jealous that Fester could go wherever he pleased except for the zoo, the mall, or any other building on any continent except Antarctica. Morticia told Wednesday that it was only marshland outside and Wednesday could travel when she was older. Wednesday stormed off with her pet octopus Socrates in tow. Lurch liked to watch HAG Network on TV, and the network featured Margaux Needler’s home renovating show called Design Intervention. Margaux gave the town of Assimilation a makeover and announced that in the season finale they would put the entire neighborhood up for sale so people could buy their dream homes. Margaux instructed her agent Glenn to bring out more confetti and balloons so they could get higher ratings and sell all 50 houses in Assimilation otherwise Margaux would lose her job and her investment and go bankrupt. Margaux’s daughter, Parker, (the girl on the bike) tried to tell her about the haunted mansion, but Margaux didn’t want to be bothered and dismissed daughter Parker to cheer practice because she had people other than her daughter to help. Pugsley practiced shooting his crossbow at a target that Lurch was holding. He was interrupted by Wednesday and the arrow went off course and landed in Fester’s back. Wednesday declared that she loved Pugsley and wanted to help him with his mazurka. Eldest sister knocked her brother out with a shovel and then pushed him into a grave she had dug so she could bury him alive. Morticia ordered Wednesday to dig Pugsley up, but she argued that her parents were weakening the gene pool by keeping her sibling alive. Morticia then confiscated the non-sad red balloon that Wednesday found because there was no psycho clown that is usually attached to it. Pugsley dug himself out of his grave, and then cotton candy-tasting confetti rained down from the sky outside. The fog that perpetually surrounded the mansion then disappeared and the Addams family realized that Margaux and her people drained the marsh to build their town in the valley below. Margaux had built a mansion for herself and fainted when the fog dispersed after she finally saw the haunted mansion now visible on the hill directly across from her new house. Gomez, Morticia, Fester and the kids drove into town to explore. Everyone stared at them in horror due to their strange appearances and actions like Pugsley drinking water from the dog bowl outside and Gomez eating coffee grounds from the local café. Parker and her group sang a song about everyone being happy because they were together and were all the same and didn’t have to make their own choices and go along with what is decided for them. The Addams family thought the townspeople were greeting them with music, so Fester sang his own brainless song and scared everyone away with bats as the family’s pet lion roamed the town terrorizing the villagers. Margaux introduced herself and arranged to visit their house the next morning for a possible makeover. Wednesday thought Margaux was made of plastic and her face was a death mask. Gomez showed Pugsley the family sabre that previous generations used when they danced the mazurka that he would also use. Gomez explained that Pugsley must dance correctly, or he would end up like his cousin Xander who was never seen or heard from again. The next day, the Addams family gave Margaux, Glenn and her camera crewmembers, Denise and Mitch, a tour of the house. Morticia released thousands of spiders from under her dress to form a bridge so they could cross the bottomless pit in the whine cellar. Glenn acted like a gay sissy and had to be held by Denise in order to cross the bridge. Wednesday and Parker met, and Wednesday couldn’t understand the concept of Parker’s cell phone. She explained that she was cage-schooled at home and pointed to her brother who Lurch was carrying around in a cage as Pugsley snarled and growled like a wild animal. Parker’s public junior high school was full of mean girls bullying each other. She snapped a picture as Wednesday used her crossbow to shoot arrows into Fester’s head and body. Margaux spray-painted green X’s all over the house to mark the walls and floors she wanted to tear up. However, Gomez and Morticia decided against having the renovation done because their relatives were coming for the mazurka. Gomez told Margaux that he had been searching for a home where they could live in peace and he hoped his relatives would want to settle down in Assimilation. Margaux and her crew were then kicked out, and she wasn’t pleased that the Addams family didn’t want her help so network show host Margaux plotted to make her own evil intervention. Wednesday wanted to go to Parker’s public school to torment the other kids, and Gomez was on Wednesday’s side and helped her convince Morticia to let Wednesday attend school. On Wednesday’s first day of school, popular mean girl Bethany put a moldy sandwich in Parker’s backpack to bully her. Wednesday stuck up for Parker and her friends, rainbow-wearing twins Layla and Kayla, by confronting Bethany and chasing her off. Wednesday munched on the moldy sandwich and planned to tackle the school establishment. Meanwhile, Margaux hummed the Battle Hymn of the Republic as she used her screen username Shelly Longbottom to post comments on the Neighborhood Peeps (like NextDoor) internet forum lying about the Addams family being wanted in 30 states and feeding people’s pets to their man-eating garden. Everybody on the social neighborhood chat believed Margaux’s posts and decided that the Addams family didn’t belong in their neighborhood Assimilation so the neighbors ganged against them. In science class, the students were assigned to dissect frogs. Wednesday built an electricity machine and used it to zap all the dead frogs and bring them back to life. She then sent the frogs to attack Bethany, and she and all the kids ran outside scared. That night, the Addams family had game night while they waited for Wednesday to get home from school. They played live battleship and caused Fester to fall through the ceiling naked in his bathtub and land in the living room near his young nephew. Gomez’s mother Grandmama then came down the chimney with the fire going. She explained that she was there because she was caught smuggling crocodiles out of the zoo in Prague. She escaped on a Somali pirate ship, where she robbed and cheated the pirates of all their cash, which she then dumped proudly onto the table. She put candy from her dirty traveling bag between her bare toes and Pugsley ate the pieces. Grandmama planned to give Wednesday a bear trap as a gift. Wednesday then arrived home, and Morticia was shocked at the sight of the pink unicorn heart clip in Wednesday’s hair. A bat quickly drank blood from Morticia’s neck to calm her down, and she went to Wednesday’s room to find her eldest daughter chopping the heads off her dolls with a mini guillotine. Morticia invited Wednesday to their routine tea and séance in the cemetery after school, and Wednesday agreed. However, Wednesday went over to Parker’s house instead, where she used a magnifying glass and the sun to burn a boy’s eyes on the cover of a teen magazine. Wednesday then set a tree on fire and offered to give Parker an outfit to wear that would shock Margaux. Morticia began the séance in the cemetery and spoke to her dead parents, Grandma and Grandpa Frump, using a Ouija board. They reminded Morticia that when she was younger, she tried to join the Girl Scouts but decided it wasn’t for her and her parents were proud that she made the right decision and became a dark person instead. At practice the day before the mazurka, Pugsley was still far from mastering his dance routine with the sabre. Gomez dismissed Pugsley and freaked out telling Fester that his son would make everyone look bad at the event and Pugsley overheard. Grandmama got her way and had the singing band she wanted since her sister Sloom would judge Pugsley’s performance. Wednesday never showed up for the séance and spent the afternoon at Parker’s house. Wednesday returned home wearing Parker’s pink outfit, and Morticia was disgusted with it but was relieved that Wednesday still had her tattoos. Meanwhile, Parker changed her look drastically after hanging out with goth girl Wednesday by shaving half her head, dying her hair black, and wearing goth makeup and punk clothes. Parker posted pictures of herself on a social media platform with her skullcap icon on the left side and an “X” symbol on the right side. Margaux was displeased when she found out about Parker’s new look and how her daughter turned into a rude teen who hated on her mom like Wednesday hated her own mom as an outcast hate on family bond between the two lost souls. Margaux got the Neighborhood Peeps involved on social media and texts again to put a stop to the Addams nightmare. Wednesday snuck out her window and told Pugsley that she needed to get away from her parents so she was leaving home and staying with Parker. Morticia asked Pugsley where Wednesday went and he spilled the beans that Wednesday ran off to stay with Parker. Morticia watched as Wednesday left the grounds and the gate closed behind her. Pugsley stayed up all night studying his mazurka routine, and Gomez was still worried that Pugsley would fail but he was consoled by brother Fester with a towel wrapped around his waist exposing the “No Regrets” tattoo on his back. Margaux’s boss Marty from the network threatened her job if she didn’t pull off the sale of all the houses the following day, so she planned to bring the house down (literally, the Addams house). Gomez and Fester’s cousin, It, spoke only gibberish and resembled a tree stump covered in hair, arrived at the house for the festivities. Margaux had confiscated Parker’s phone to prevent her from using social media, so Wednesday convinced Parker to sneak into Margaux’s off-limits crafting room to find her phone. The two teen girls pulled a lever inside the craft room that took them to the basement, where they found Margaux’s secret computer center. It featured multiple viewing screens with footage from the hidden cameras that Margaux installed in all of the new houses to spy on the residents. The girls witnessed their science teacher Ms. Gravely putting her underwear in the freezer. Margaux caught them in her secret spy room so she locked the girls in the attic to keep them quiet. Parker couldn’t believe that her mom had a secret lair and a jail in the house and wished she had decided to stay with her dad after the divorce. As Margaux’s crew prepared for her finale on live TV, Glenn discovered that all of the creepy Addams relatives arrived in town. He hid from them and phoned Margaux, who decided to help everyone by posting on Neighborhood Peeps that the Addams family planned to attack the town that night. Margaux incited a riot among the townspeople telling them that the Addams family were monsters that needed to leave, so the neighbors wanted to destroy them. Gomez hung out with what appeared to be a female relative with a beard on one half of the face, and Auntie Sloom demanded that they start the mazurka without Wednesday.Pugsley grew a beard to become a man, and Gomez used the sabre sword to trim it to a mustache. Pugsley began the dance, and his relatives joined in and danced around him with their swords. Pugsley gave up and lost his mustache in the process, and Gomez apologized for not letting Pugsley be himself. Bill and John offered up their catapult to Margaux, who used it to fire giant rocks into the Addams family house to destroy it and claimed it was a Margaux makeover. Gomez reminded Pugsley that the true meaning of mazurka was protecting the family, so he gave his son explosives since that was what he was best at. Pugsley gladly accepted the detonators so he could keep his non-Neighborhood Peeps family safe from the neighbor mob outside. Everyone then followed madman Pugsley as he led the way and used his detonators to blow up the boulders to keep them from hurting anyone. Pugsley blew a hole in the wall so the family could escape, but before they could one of the rocks blocked their path. Wednesday then appeared after she and Parker escaped from the attic using Wednesday’s lock-picking skills that she learned in Morticia’s cage school. Wednesday used Ichabod’s branches to rescue her relatives from the house before the walls crumbled down around them. Pugsley finished his mazurka by blowing up the Bill and John’s catapult. Morticia told Margaux that she wouldn’t bully them around anymore, and Parker decided she would stay with the Addams family. Teen Parker told the adult Neighborhood Peeps they were all weird too, which Wednesday backed up by stating that Ms. Gravely put her underwear in the freezer and Trudy Pickering sat on the toilet backwards. Wednesday explained that everyone’s houses, including their bathrooms, were filled with Margaux’s hidden cameras and the village people were all shocked. Margaux had a hissy fit and told everyone that they had to support her and cooperate otherwise they would be kicked out of their houses. Parker then revealed to her mom that she had been videoing Margaux live on her cell phone the entire time so millions of viewers could see Margaux’s evil side. Margaux didn’t care about the bloggers, but then Glenn informed Margaux that her show was being removed from the network per the message he just received. Margaux was afraid that she would go bankrupt because she couldn’t sell the houses, so Fester announced that he would take the houses off her hands. Fester and Margaux left in her golf cart to talk business about the rest of the Addams family buying the homes. The groupie townspeople after their vicious attack then officially introduced themselves to the Addams family and wanted to help rebuild the Addams house that they destroyed. Wednesday told Morticia that they should accept the Neighborhood Peeps’s own quirks. Fester and Margaux got together and started Shady Homes Realty with the slogan “Attics to die for.” They decided to be the welcoming committee and handed out gift baskets to the members of the Addams family who moved into the neighborhood. Pugsley was awarded his manhood and the “get out” spirit returned to the house so things were back to Addams family normal. This movie had a budget of $24 million and grossed over $203 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/20/25

TITLE: Erin Brockovich 

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000 Universal Pictures / Columbia Pictures / Jersey Films / Columbia-Tristar Films 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is based on a true story and takes place in California. It began with Erin Pattee-Brockovich interviewing for a medical job. She explained that she had wanted to go to medical school but didn’t because she got married and had children too young. Erin didn’t get the job because she didn’t have real qualifications and the doctor didn’t think she was reliable after she confessed that she got fired from a previous job because her ex-husband didn’t help her when her child had chickenpox. As Erin left her interview and drove out of her parking spot down the street, a doctor driving a Jaguar flew through the red light and smashed into her car. Erin ended up in a neck brace and then visited attorney Edward L. Masry at the Masry and Vititoe law firm. Soon after Erin testified in court about the car accident and how she couldn’t take painkillers because she had to care for her three kids, eight-year-old Matthew, six-year-old Katie and nine-month-old Beth. She was $17,000 in debt because she didn’t have insurance and the doctors put a piece from the bone in her hip in her neck. After cross-examining, the court learned that Erin had two ex-husbands who weren’t helping out with the bills at home. The jury was skeptical, and the doctor’s attorney accused Erin of trying to cash in on the accident and argued that an ER doctor who performed life-saving surgeries every day wouldn’t drive recklessly and injure people. Erin lost the case, and she left the courtroom swearing the f-word at Ed and telling him he sucked at apologizing because he had assured her that it was an open and shut case. Ed told Erin that she didn’t handle the personal questions well and instead used profanity. Erin went home to retrieve Beth from her next-door neighbor, who was babysitting the three children and the baby was sick with a cough. The neighbor explained that her daughter bought a bigger house for her to live with her, so she would be moving out the following week and Erin would be without a babysitter. Erin searched the newspaper ads for a job but she couldn’t get one because she had no experience in the work force. She called Ed multiple times but he refused to answer her messages. Erin then showed up at the attorney’s office pretending that she worked there and dressed in another one of her revealing outfits with super short skirts. Ed confronted her, and she made a scene and chewed him out and then asked him not to make her beg for a job so he agreed to let her work there with no benefits. Erin wanted an advance on her paycheck, but cash person Rosalind had already gone home so Ed gave Erin a few hundred-dollar bills to get her through the weekend. That night when Erin put her kids to sleep, a couple of Harley Davidson bikers were outside revving their engines so Erin confronted George, her new neighbor, and told him to shut the f**k up. He wanted her number so she gave him all three ages of her kids, then her phone number, and she shut the door in his face. At the office, Ed suggested that Erin change her wardrobe so the other girls at the office wouldn’t be uncomfortable around her. She argued that she would wear what she wanted to as she looked good since she was in shape and the other females were out of shape and overweight and then suggested that Ed rethink his ties. Erin didn’t think something was right so she asked a coworker, Anna, why there were blood samples and medical records in real estate. Anna wouldn’t help Erin and argued that Erin should know what to do by now despite the fact that she just started her job and Anna wasn’t too concerned or cared enough to figure out Erin’s question. After work, Erin went to the apartment complex to pick up her kids from the new babysitter, but they weren’t there so Erin raced to her house and searched for the three missing children at home. She heard children next door and found them in George’s backyard and he explained that the babysitter dropped the kids off at his place an hour earlier because the female said she had things to do. The sitter didn’t care that George didn’t even know Erin or her children and left the children with the stranger. Erin was irate, but George calmed her down and told her the children were all right with him. The kids liked George and Matthew soon asked to get a tattoo like George. George grilled hot dogs and hamburgers for everyone, and later that night they played cards at Erin’s house. After the kids went to bed, Erin found out that George chose not to have a regular job and instead lived cheap and worked in construction whenever he wanted to. Erin reluctantly agreed to let George watch the kids so she could work and pay the bills since she was now out of another babysitter. After her coworker Anna was no help, Erin took home the PG&E real estate files so she could figure out why medical files were attached to the real estate records. She discovered that PG&E tried to pay people their home value to get them to move out of their houses in Hinkley. As Ed was on the phone distracted, Erin got permission from the attorney to leave the office and investigate the Hinkley pro bono real estate case involving Donna and Pete Jensen. She drove to the small desert town of Hinkley to visit Donna, who explained that PG&E solicited the Jensens to buy their house and even paid for the whole family’s medical tests and expenses because of the chromium. As Erin left, she noticed the large PG&E plant close to the Jensen house. She then went to UCLA to speak to toxicologist Dr. Frankel, who explained that there were three types of chromium. The worst was hexavalent chromium six, which could cause a wide range of deadly illnesses including cancer and it also got into your DNA which would be passed on to your children and their children. The professor advised Erin to go to the county water board in Hinkley to find out what kind of chromium PG&E used in their water to prevent rusting. He warned her not to tell too many people what she was asking for because the incriminating records would disappear before she had a case. Erin went to the water board office and used her cleavage to convince Scott to let her go behind the counter and look at the files herself. Scott left Erin alone to search the records, and she did so for hours until she found a document with an order to clean up the chromium six which polluted the groundwater. Erin made a copy of the records and didn’t go into the office for a week or call and check in with the attorney or tell anyone at work about the investigative offsite work she was doing. When Erin finally returned to work, they had packed up her desk and told her she was fired. She barged into Ed’s office and swore at him about it and then stormed out. Erin went home to find George under her sink fixing a leak, and she took her anger out on him that she got fired and was upset that she had to raise her kids in a roach-infested house. She had a breakdown and cried on her bed, and she told George that she used to be Miss Wichita and didn’t know what happened to her. By the time she finished her one-year Miss Wichita reign of opening supermarkets, she didn’t have any time left for world peace and fighting hunger. George kissed the beauty queen and then they had sex and after George put her tiara on his own head. Erin continued looking for jobs. One morning, Ed showed up at Erin’s house. Erin answered with her baby on her hip, and Ed gave her the information from Dr. Frankel from UCLA that Erin had requested about the legal limit of hexavalent chromium. The legal limit was .05 per million, but the rate was .58 for the Jensens which might be causing their cancer and other major health problems in the family. Ed said he had assumed that Erin had been out goofing off because of the way she dressed and acted, but now he knew that she had been doing real investigative field. She refused to tell Ed anything else unless he hired her back to help her pay her bills, so he agreed. Ed agreed and was invited into the house where Erin told Ed that PG&E contacted Donna to buy her house so they could build a new ramp to the plant off the freeway. Donna’s husband, Pete, was ill with Hodgkin’s and Donna went to the hospital to have multiple tumors treated. PG&E also had a seminar and invited 200 people to their plant to hear them brag about how good chromium three was for people when they had in fact contaminated the water supply with chromium six all along. Erin wouldn’t show Ed the copy of the report from the water board unless he gave her a raise and benefits including dental. Ed watched Erin play with her baby girl on the couch and knew she didn’t a lot of help, so he gave her a 10% raise with benefits. Ed then sent Erin back to the water board in Hinkley so she could use her boobs again to get more files. She brought her kids along and copied dozens of papers, and after Scott got a phone call he told Erin to stop because she had enough. Erin refused to leave without all the public records, and then she gave the documents to Ed. The attorney handed the large stack of papers to his personal secretary, Brenda, to fax over to the PG&E claims department. Erin visited Donna and told her that the water was poisonous, but Donna believed that it was fine because the PG&E representatives had come to her house and told her that the water was safe. Donna argued that the doctor told the family that none of their illnesses had anything to do with each other and they were all separate conditions. That conflicted with the toxicologist’s report where all the symptoms and ailments were a result of the contaminated water, and Erin reminded Donna that PG&E paid for the doctor to tell the Jensens those lies. Donna was frightened for her children so she hurried outside to tell her daughters Ashley and Shanna to get out of the above ground pool where they were playing in the contaminated water. PG&E immediately sent their attorney rep David Foil to Ed’s office to speak with him and Erin. David explained that PG&E was offering the Jensens $250,000 for their house to make everything go away, and he wasn’t allowed to negotiate anything higher. David refused to believe that the Jensens’ health problems were associated with anything that PG&E did until Ed showed David the records which proved that the hexavalent chromium contamination in PG&E’s water attributed to all of the family’s illnesses. Ed agreed to give the offer to the Jensens but he doubted they would take it, so PG&E’s spokesman bragged that PG&E was worth $28 billion advising Ed that he was messing with the wrong corporation. Erin gained more respect from her fellow coworkers because they knew she was working hard to help the people who were being slowly killed by a giant company that was hiding their highly criminal activity. Erin stayed late at the office and was visited by Mandy and Tom Robinson who used to live across the street from the Jensens in Hinkley. They explained that they moved when PG&E bought their house the previous year. They had photos of their chickens that the vets said had tumors and at least a dozen were born like that. Mandy explained that she had five miscarriages and didn’t think it had anything to do with her pot smoking or birth control pills but instead possible water contamination. Later that night, Erin’s eldest child Matthew was upset that Erin’s job was interfering with her parenting and George spent more time with them than she did. Another day, Ed and Erin later drove to Hinkley together and spoke with the Jensens and the Robinsons. They explained that PG&E established a statute of limitations because in a case like theirs, the people only had one year from the time they learned about the problem to file a lawsuit. PG&E would get through the year with no lawsuits and after that they were clear forever because they had already told everyone that there was a small problem with the water. Ed went on to say that they weren’t suing yet because it had been more than a year, but they planned to get the Jensens a good sale price on their house and get the Robinsons a bonus for their house that was already sold. PG&E would still look good in the eyes of their shareholders after that. Both families weren’t sure about paying 40% of whatever they got to attorney Ed, but Erin told them that Ed didn’t get anything and was out all the costs of helping them if they lost the case so they all signed. After that, Erin drove around Hinkley and questioned many of its residents about their illnesses that seemed to never heal. Pamela Duncan didn’t want to talk to Erin and believed that her people didn’t really care about what happened to the families in Hinkley. Erin wanted to go to court, but Ed didn’t want to take the case any further. He argued that he had worked for 30 years to save up money for retirement and he survived a lot of things in his personal life and at work to make that happen. Erin pressed Ed to do the right thing and help the people get compensation for all of the harm and damages that the giant PG&E company did to them and tried to hide while buying people’s houses for fair market value which was a measly amount of money to cover up the crime and murders. Those people and their kids were suffering and their grandkids would also suffer because the highly toxic water was in their systems. Ed was worried that he would go bankrupt and lose his personal retirement account, and Erin insisted on having a raise and a cell phone. She went to the PG&E plant to collect water samples from the ground and retrieve a dead frog from the water. She then made a run for it when some PG&E plant employees ran toward her and chased her. Erin later got a threatening call from an anonymous person telling her to quit snooping around especially since she had three kids. Erin and George got into a fight because he didn’t like her being threatened or having her phone tapped. George wanted his girlfriend Erin to get a new job, and she argued that he didn’t have a job even though he raised her kids the majority of the time. Erin figured out that the caller was Scott, so she went back to the water board to get more records from the microfiche. She told Scott that he was basically a PG&E bought and bribed sad excuse for a man and was doing nothing while innocent people were dying. Erin worked late and was falling asleep at the wheel on her way home, so she called George. George told Erin that baby Beth spoke her first word “ball,” and Erin was upset that she missed it. Nine months later, Erin, Ed, George and the kids went to an event in Hinkley where Ed and Erin passed out flyers to the attendees and told them that Ed was on the case. One man (Charles) approached Erin and wanted to know if her phone number was in the flyer, and she thought he was trying to come onto her and gave him a short answer so he left. As Erin was about to leave, Donna introduced her to Nelson Perez who worked at PG&E so Erin sent George home with her kids and she said she would catch a ride with Ed. A group of Harley bikers sped by as George gathered up the kids and he realized that he missed his old life a lot. Erin learned from Nelson how the machinery worked at the PG&E plant and then later explained it to Ed. They had 411 plaintiffs and 162 declarations, and Ed took out a second mortgage on his house to pay the cost of the big case. He asked bigger firms to come onboard and help them, but they didn’t want to go up against PG&E and told Ed he didn’t have a case. Ed explained that nobody would get rich unless they pinned it on PG&E corporate in San Francisco but the corporate office claimed that they didn’t know about the Hinkley plant toxic contamination. Ed and Erin had to find the document proving that San Francisco knew about the contamination at the Hinkley facility in order to hit them with punitive damages and get a large sum of money. They could file a lawsuit with their more than 400 plaintiffs, but there was a chance that PG&E would file demurrer and claim there was no merit in connecting the people’s illnesses with the toxic water. It would all come down to the decision of one judge on whether or not the one judge would throw out the case. Donna was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor this time and asked Erin if she was technically still a woman even with no uterus and no breasts from the contaminated water supply. Ed and Erin took the case to court in San Bernardino County, where Judge Leroy Simmons reviewed the 84 demurrers that PG&E filed. He gave his decision that the strikes and demurrers were denied and the causes of action against PG&E were upheld. The judge lived in a neighboring town and told PG&E that it was disturbing that they sent pamphlets to the residents of Hinkley telling them that the chromium was good for them even though it was possibly highly toxic and causing the citizens of Hinkley deadly health issues. The judge announced that they were going to trial, and then the PG&E people met with Ed at his office. Erin, Donald and Anna dressed up to look like attorneys themselves because the PG&E reps looked like intimidating secret service agents and Ed didn’t want his office to look like it wasn’t full of attorneys and just a one-man show. PG&E tried to offer $20 million to all the plaintiffs, but Erin reminded all the high and mighty executive attorneys representing the criminal PG&E that they had over 400 plaintiffs who were dealing with hysterectomies at age 20 and spinal cord issues in middle age. She told them to multiply their offer by a hundred before they came back and wasted more time and then informed PG&E Ms. Sanchez that the water she was about to drink was from the Hinkley well. Ms. Sanchez put the cup down and wouldn’t drink the water and adjourned the meeting and they all left. Erin arrived home late that night and George waited for her as he drank a beer with his bag packed with the kids in bed. He had a pair of pearl earrings that he bought six months before at a mall and had planned to give them to Erin after she did or said something nice but that never happened. George declared that he wouldn’t be the slave maid for Erin and raise her children while getting nothing in return and wanted her to either find a different job or a different man. Erin refused to quit her job because she liked the attention as people shut and waited to hear what she had to say on the job and the respect she earned from the people she helped. George reminded Erin that her kids were growing up without a mom or dad. Erin didn’t care what George wanted because none of the men that fathered the children cared what she wanted yet she still had to raise the kids after their fathers walked out. She believed that she was doing more for children now than when she lived with her parents. In order to prove that he wasn’t like the other men in her life, Erin asked George to stay and keep raising her kids. He reminded her that she had money to afford a babysitter or daycare and didn’t need him anymore, so he walked out and left the earrings with her. Erin later took her kids to Hinkley to show Pamela, that she cared. Pamela let her guard down and told Erin that her kids were sick from the water and had nosebleeds. She brought them to the hospital with towels soaked in blood, and they called the county services on her and accused her of abusing her children. Erin stopped by the office with the kids one day as Ed finished a meeting with Kurt Potter. Ed introduced Erin to Kurt as the new partner who would be taking over the Hinkley case. Erin freaked out over it, so Ed explained that Kurt kicked his butt and buried everything in paperwork when Ed tried to go up against a huge airline years ago. Ed brought Kurt onboard to go up against PG&E and was thankful that Kurt’s firm gave them a check that covered all of their expenses to date. Kurt also had the most attorney experience with toxicity cases in the state, but Erin stormed out and told Ed that she won Pamela over to their side. Back at home, Erin and Beth went outside to see George leaving on his Harley. A delivery person was in front of her house so Erin then signed for a package from Ed and inside was a check for $5,000 and Ed’s note telling her to hire a nanny, cheer up and look outside. When Erin did, she discovered that Ed bought her an SUV and included keys for it in the envelope. Ed and Erin met with their partner Kurt at his high-rise office, and Kurt and his staffers announced that PG&E wanted to do a binding arbitration where the judge’s decision was final. They now had more than 600 plaintiffs, so Kurt wanted to assign them into groups to go before the judge depending on how bad their ailments were. PG&E agreed to pay damages between $50 and $400 million. Erin was concerned because she told the plaintiffs they would do a trial, but Kurt believed the other route was better. Erin’s work files from her office were couriered over, and attorney Theresa congratulated Erin on a job well done but there were holes in her research. Erin argued and told Theresa from memory the detailed personal information about the families in Hinkley that she learned after 18 months of investigative work. Ed was mad at Erin for swearing at Theresa and belittling the attorney. Erin soon had a bad flu cold, but she gave a worker all the information she knew about the case so it could be put into a system file. Theresa went to Hinkley to speak to the plaintiffs, and one of the farmers completely ignored her and she wouldn’t walk through the manure like Erin did to talk to the man. Theresa spoke to Annabelle’s parents and asked them the same questions Erin had already asked, so they called Erin and told her that they didn’t want stuck up lawyer Theresa back because she upset Annabelle. Annabelle’s dad told Erin that Ed never called them back and they and the other families were upset about the arbitration. Pamela wrote an article in the local news to tell everyone to get new lawyers because Ed and Erin deserted them and sent stuffy attorneys in their place. Kurt told Ed that they still needed something that proved that corporate knew about Hinkley’s water contamination prior to 1987. Erin came in to work unexpectedly and was furious that Ed met with Kurt without her, so Ed took Erin away to a room in his offices and privately told her that PG&E was demanding that 90% of the plaintiffs would have to agree before they went to arbitration instead of the usual 70%. However, the Hinkley people disagreed with the attorneys so everything was about to be a closed case. Ed sent Erin home to get better because he needed her and the case needed her but Erin called him out on him not telling that to his new partners. There was a town meeting at the Hinkley Community Center where Ed explained the details of the arbitration and how the judge made the sole decision with a jury and there was no appeals allowed. The crowd argued over how the outcome would be divided among each family because they all had huge expenses and suffered tremendously from the contaminated water. The people were about to leave because they weren’t happy with Ed’s words and how it could take ten years to get the money if they went to trial. Ed spoke up and mentioned the Love Canal in 1978 and how they were still waiting for their money after 20 years. Ed convinced everyone to agree and sign, but they were 150 people short after the meeting. Erin called George for help and asked him to stay with the kids at a motel for a few days near Hinkley so she could get the rest of the signatures. She tried to apologize but George ignored her and asked her if the kids had eaten yet and when she said no he left her to get the children fed. Erin and Ed then went door-to-door in Hinkley to get more signatures. George took the kids out for pancakes one morning, and Matthew stayed behind and read one of Erin’s files about a girl his own age. Erin explained that the girl and her family were sick, and Matthew had a better understanding of what Erin was doing to help people who couldn’t help themselves so he brought her back breakfast. Erin went door to door to get the signatures, and Pamela even had a change of heart and let Erin in. Erin stopped at the local bar to get the bartender Matt’s signature. Erin then encountered the man who approached her at the barbecue, and Erin thought he was hitting her and was making a quick getaway. But then, the man worked up the nerve to tell her his secret that he used to work at the Hinkley plant and was ordered to destroy documents. He introduced himself as Charles Embry, so Erin excused herself for a moment and ran outside to use the payphone because her cell had no cell service in the rural area. Erin called Ed who was also working late, and he calmed her down and advised her to let Charles do the talking and not scare him off with too many questions. Erin went back inside the bar to Charles, and he told her that his cousin died the previous day at 41 years of age because he had tumors, no colon and intestines that were eaten away. Charles said he used to watch his cousin clean the towers at the plant and wear a mask that was soaked in blood from the nosebleeds. Erin sat at a booth and stayed for a while and listened as Charles explained how he was put in charge one day of shredding some PG&E documents. The paperwork contained information about vacation schedules but it also had detailed info about the test ponds and the contaminated water results. Charles said he was ordered by employer PG&E to destroy the papers, but he wasn’t a very good employee and instead he kept the incriminating files. The next day, Ed and Erin went to their partner Kurt’s high rise office with all the signatures they needed as well as the documents that Charles gave Erin connecting PG&E corporate with the Hinkley plant. They gave the well-known lawyers the 634 signatures and Erin joked that she performed oral sex hundred times in order to get them. The partner attorneys couldn’t believe that Ed and Erin achieved that when the big-wig attorneys failed to do so and couldn’t connect with their clients. Once the case was settled, George drove Erin to Donna’s house without Erin’s kids because Erin wanted him to be part of what he helped accomplish during the many months of helping raise Erin’s kids. The judge decided to make PG&E pay $333 million to the group, and Donna’s family would receive $5 million of that. Donna broke down in tears and was very grateful. Ed moved to a high-rise office and got on the front cover of Los Angeles Lawyer. He signed for Erin’s bonus check and took it to her but not before giving her a hard time and making her believe she was getting less money than what they talked about. Erin freaked out because she was taking on a new case about contamination at a PG&E plant in Kettleman Hills, California. However, she was shocked into silence after she discovered that her bonus check was $2 million. Ed explained that he increased the amount to $2 million dollars and then he waltzed out the door telling Erin that the beauty queen sucked at apologizing. At the time, it was the largest settlement in a direct-action lawsuits in US history awarded to plaintiffs in the Hinkley and PG&E case. PG&E claimed that they stopped using the toxic six chromium and lined their pond to prevent further contamination. Ed and Erin went to work on seven other cases including the Kettleman case that was later settled in 2006 for $335 million. This movie had a budget of $52 million and grossed over $256 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Premiere “A triumph!” People “Entertaining and inspiring!” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/18/25

TITLE:  King Arthur: Legend of the Sword 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2017 Warner Bros. Pictures / Village Roadshow Pictures / Weed Road Pictures / Safehouse Pictures / Ritchie/Wigram Productions / RatPac-Dune Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in Britain, where the humans and the mages (magicians) used to live alongside each other in peace until the evil sorcerer Mordred and his army appeared. The wicked ones destroyed bridges, walls and everything in their path using dark magic and giant war elephants created and controlled by Mordred’s powers in order to rule Camelot. Camelot’s King Uther Pendragon insisted on joining the fight and rode his white horse off a cliff. He jumped onto one of the pyramids, as his horse fell to its death. The pyramid held soldiers insdie and was carried on the back of a gigantic war elephant. Inside the pyramid, King Uther confronted Mordred. At the same time, Uther and Mordred’s armies clashed in a violent battle. As it happened, King Uther killed Mordred with his magical sword. The magically controlled elephants snapped out of their trance and the beasts along with Mordred’s soldiers fell to their deaths, which gave King Uther of Camelot the victory. However, Uther’s madman unstable brother Vortigern, who had studied under Mordred at one time, then ordered the slaughter of all the mages. Sir Bedivere protested because the war was Mordred’s fault only and not the doing of his people, so King Uther instructed his brother Vortigern to stop the killings. The sorcerer Merlin had given King Uther his magical sword, but now Merlin and his mages were running to save their lives and somewhere in a hideout far from the kingdom away from evil Vorigern’s reach. Later that night after the meeting, jealous, crazed, and power hungry Vortigern planned to murder his brother King Uther and take the throne. Vortigern first took his wife Elsa into the lower level of a tower and stabbed her to death as Vortigern’s personal soldiers killed all of Uther’s guards that were loyal to the king. King Uther suspected his brother’s plotting and took his own wife, Igraine, and young son, Arthur (under five years old), out to a boat so they could flee to safety. Vortigern then transformed into a fiery demon knight and threw a spear through his sister-in-law Igraine to kill her in front of her young son (nephew) Arthur, who was being held in brother King Uther’s arms. Before Uther was also killed, he sent Arthur down the river in the boat (like Moses) and he washed ashore in the city of Londinium, where he was found by three prostitutes doing their laundry at the water’s edge. The females then took Arthur to their brothel, where the prostitutes raised him there through adulthood. He collected coins wherever he could by doing chores for the women and others and often stole from distracted rich people. He hid them in a secret place and was also witness to the abuse going on inside the house when the men visited the harlots. Meanwhile, Vortigern crowned himself king of Britain. Through the years, bullies on the street often beat Arthur, so Kung-Fu George, a Chinese man who owned a martial arts studio, trained Arthur in kung fu and sword fighting. When Arthur was a teenager, he fought the men who beat up the prostitutes and kicked them out of the house because he was obligated to protect the ones that gave him a home. He grew into an adult and had nightmares about his parents’ death that happened back in Camelot on the dock when he was younger. Soon after, the river in Camelot dried up, and the magic sword in the stone called Excalibur was revealed and groups of men fought over it trying to remove it. Vortigern again visited the water area at ground zero underneath the tower and consulted the Syrens, three female half-human and half-octopus like creatures. They explained that the water levels dropped and the sword was revealed because it was time for Arthur to become king now that he was grown up. Vortigern argued that he made a deal with the Syrens that he would be king if he killed his wife, but the covenant was not met because he left Arthur alive. In order for Vortigern to remain king and have the sword answer only to him, he had to find and kill Arthur. The Syrens reminded Vortigen that he would have to sacrifice the life of another bloodline family member if he requested additional help from them. Vortigern’s soldiers showed up at Arthur’s brothel home looking for Goosefat Bill, a member of the resistance who attacked King Vortigern’s barge. Blackleg sergeant Jack’s Eye, good friend of Arthur, dismissed his soldiers after one solider complained he was touched by Arthur and the official in charge blackleg Jack told the other blackleg he was lucky because usually he would have to pay (implying Arthur was a gay man).Jack Eye’s and his men with Arthur’s permission searched for Bill inside the brothel and Jack Eye explained that Bill would be tortured and killed once he was found and anyone who helped hide him would suffer the same fate. Arthur was hiding Bill and denied that anyone was there, but then Arthur gave wounded Bill up to Jack Eye’s soldiers. Jack interrogated Arthur about the rebel graffiti in the village consisting of a cross and a circle symbol and a bull’s head, and also about the Viking Graybeard who Arthur stole money from to give to the prostitute Lucy after Graybeard beat her up. Arthur told Jack what happened from the beginning when he and his friends, Back Lack and Wet Stick, went to help Chinese George who was having trouble with the Vikings. They encountered Flat-Nosed Mike, who was trafficking furs without paying a commission as usual. Mike was also doing some other shady fur business, so Mike paid Arthur and company extra money so they would keep quiet. Jack got off track, so Arthur reminded Jack that they were almost broke from giving a big portion of their money to the needy and giving Jack shares all the time, so they couldn’t give the corrupt official anymore of their stashed cash. Arthur went on with the story, where he caught Back Lack’s son Blue Boy putting graffiti on the walls and added the born king was coming back. Arthur explained that he handled the situation well because he had his boys shot arrows at the Vikings, who were trying on the furs that Mike hid from them. Arthur had held a sword to Graybeard’s throat and stole a year’s worth of wages from him to give to Lucy for the physical and mental damages done to the female. Back Lack made Blue Boy clean up his graffiti, and Arthur thought it was mission accomplished. However, Jack in charge then revealed that the Vikings were under the king’s protection and not even Jack could help Arthur now. Maggie, a member of one of the oldest English families in England, who represented the people, assured Vortigern that she loved King Vortigern and therefore the people did as well despite their uprising and negative graffiti against him. Paranoid and mass murderer Vortigern used his black magic to light a candle and instructed for the tower he was building to be finished. That night, Arthur had another nightmare from when he was a small child about his parents’ traumatic bloody deaths. He was then awoken by Lack, who helped him to escape out the window from the Blackleg soldiers who were hunting him down to make an example out of him for attacking the Vikings under King Vortigern’s charge. Arthur didn’t get far before he encountered the king’s soldiers, who stopped him and examined his wrist for his tattoo brand mark on his wrist. Arthur hadn’t been branded yet, so he was taken aboard a barge full of other men to get branded. The barge sailed to Camelot, where the king’s men had dozens of children locked up in cages. Arthur learned that King Vortigern got the loyalty of the parents by stealing their kids away and using them as he saw fit such as selling the children as slaves to other countries. The males took turns trying to pull the sword out of the stone, and when they couldn’t they recited the phrase “God save the king” and were branded to show that they tried and failed. Arthur cut in line to have his turn, and the mocking king’s soldiers dismissed Arthur until he succeeded in removing the sword from the stone. Arthur passed out afterward but then woke up chained in the dungeon of Camelot. King Vortigern was warned by his men to handle the situation with kid gloves because Arthur had many people in his pocket including some Blacklegs. Vortigen paid a visit to Arthur in his cell and explained that while he was asleep, the king’s men raided the brothel, stole all of Arthur’s money he had saved and hurt the women. Arthur argued that he was just the son of a prostitute, but Vortigen didn’t believe it and knew Arthur had been saving up for something. King Vortigen refused to let Arthur leave and go back to being his street urchin self. Mage then visited Bedivere. Mage reported directly to Merlin and told him that it was up to her and Bedivere to do Merlin’s bidding. The whole kingdom gathered outside the castle to hear King Vortigen’s twisted facts. Vortigen told Arthur that the thousands of people may have come to see Arthur, but in the end they would leave after seeing that Arthur was a deceitful traitor. Vortigen hoped that the people would then hate and fear him, which would give him more power that he found intoxicatingly delightful. The prostitutes were brought there as captives, and Lucy was killed in front of Arthur with a knife to her throat. Vortigen told Arthur that the rest of the prostitutes would also be killed if he didn’t play along with the staged drama Vortigern had set up to make himself look good in the people’s eyes. When asked to take the sword, Arthur refused and looked like a coward in front of the crowd. He was put on the head chopping block, but then Mage summoned a giant eagle that prevented the executioner from killing Arthur. Mage used sorcery to paralyze Vortigen and make the dogs go crazy and attack the king’s men. A few members of the resistance then freed Arthur and grabbed the sword, and they and Mage fled as others fought off the soldiers. Arthur and his rescuers then jumped off the cliff into the river below. They washed up ashore and set off on horseback across the countryside with Arthur bound as a captive. He identified Mage as a magician because she had a way with animals. Arthur was brought to the cave hideout of the resistance members led by Sir Bedivere. Arthur badmouthed everybody there, but they explained that his house was gone and they were his family now even though Arthur pointed out that Bedivere couldn’t be his dad because he was black and Arthur was white. The men drew Arthur into a fight to see what he could do with the sword, but then he had an issue with a demon creature and his dad telling him to run. Arthur blacked out again, and as he slept Mage used her magic on the sword trying to get into Arthur’s head and see his memories to find out why he was resisting the sword. Mage told Bedivere to take Arthur to the Darklands so he could learn to control Excalibur by breaking down his old thinking process and making him want to be king and lead the people. Bedivere agreed and dropped Arthur off on the island where he was instructed to touch the sword to the altar stone. Arthur was left alone to survive and battle vicious creatures like giant bats, snakes and rats that attacked him. Arthur found the altar stone, and when the sword touched the stone Arthur remembered the rest of what happened in his past. After Igraine was killed. Uther fought with the demon knight using his sword Excalibur during the battle but the sword went flying toward the boy. Young Arthur picked the sword up and cut his hands when King Uther took the sword and returned to the fight. Uther told Arthur to run, so he got in the boat and watched the mad beast stab Uther. As he was dying, King Uther threw Excalibur into the air and it landed in his own back. He turned to stone, and Vortigern transformed back into his human self as the dock broke from the weight of the stone and Uther’s dead body sank underwater with the sword still in his back, and that was how Excalibur came to be the sword in the stone. Bedivere and Mage retrieved Arthur after he faced his nightmares, and they explained that Vortigern would be granted the same level of power of Mordred once the madman king finished building the Mage Tower in Camelot. Vortigern made a deal with Mordred that they would share power once King Uther was dead, so Vortigern killed all the people that supported Uther. Mordred killed the Mage King and took his staff in order to summon the dark forces and create the war elephants. The great wizard Merlin stole the staff and made Excalibur out of it. Merlin destroyed the tower and gave the sword to the Lady of the Lake, who ensured that it would only answer to members of the Pendragon bloodline. The sword now belonged to Arthur. Lord Mercia was called into Vortigern’s chambers and explained that the resistance were few and informants were out looking for Arthur. King Vortigern told Mercia to do his f-ing job. Back Lack, Wet Stick and Blue Boy made it to the hideout and informed Arthur that official blackleg Jack turned on Arthur and gave the other Blacklegs a list of everything Arthur loved. The evil kings men then used the list to go after Arthur in that way by burning parts of down Londinium and killing some of the people there associated with Arthur. Arthur, his friends and the resistance turned the tables and figured out that what Vortigern loved most aside from killing Arthur and getting Excalibur was the tower. They plotted to sink Vortigern’s barges full of stones and block the river so the tower couldn’t be completed since he gained more power the higher the tower was built. The resistance then interrupted the supply of child slaves by taking out the guards and freeing the kids to run, and then they delivered a wagonful of brandy to Vortigern’s favorite palace. Once inside, they set fire to the kegs and the stored alcohol building burned down. Later on, Mercia offered more than 10,000 boys under the age of 12 as slaves to Graybeard and the Vikings in return for the help because the boys were young enough to forget their families. Ownership of the north lands was included in the deal, but Graybeard had heard rumors that Vortigern wasn’t the real king and couldn’t barter the boys away. Graybeard and his men were unsure, so they left with their lives while they still could and return to their king. Afterward Vortigern summoned his young teen daughter Katia. Arthur was still having trouble getting through his nightmares with the sword, so Mage told him not to look away because a king looked and a man didn’t and that was the difference between the two. Maggie, a spy on Camelot’s inside, went to the hideout to warn Arthur that Vortigern was meeting with the barons in Londinium in three days, and Bedivere wasn’t pleased that Maggie came there because she was likely followed. Mercia then witnessed how Vortigern used his black magic when the king played with fire. Arthur and the resistance plotted to assassinate Vortigern using an arrow that Goosefat Bill, the best archer in the group, would shoot from a hideout inside a carefully selected building. The team would then make a risky getaway before the Blacklegs at the nearby tavern caught them. King Vortigern figured out that Maggie was working against him because he had spies watching her, so he planned to use her as a pawn to his advantage since she was now more valuable to the resistance than him. When Vortigern’s barge arrived in Londinium, Bill prepared to shoot the man standing in the open dressed as Vortigern. However, Arthur stopped Bill from firing the arrow because he figured that it wasn’t really Vortigern since the king might have figured out Maggie was helping them. Bill didn’t shoot the king imposter and instead fired at Mercia and Clarendon because Bill had grudges against both men. The crowd panicked and the Blacklegs searched for the assassin, so Bill, Arthur and Bedivere left their hideout and mixed with the crowd. The king’s guards stopped them, so they engaged in hand-to-hand combat and then killed the soldiers with their swords. Back Lack was stabbed and ordered the others to run while he stayed behind. Arthur and his group knocked over people in the streets to get to freedom and ruthlessly fought with the Blacklegs they encountered. Arthur was easily found because smoke areas were fired into the area above where Arthur ran around the village.  Arthur and gang hid in a house to catch their breath where one member, Rubio, was severely injured. Arthur attacked the guards so the others would have time to get over the wall into Chinese George’s martial arts school. Mage told George to help Arthur and his friends, so George and the kung-fu students helped fend off the king’s guards on the rooftops who were shooting arrows at them. Mage went into a trance and summoned blackbirds to attack the Blacklegs. Arthur ordered his friends to go down the sewer hole to make it to the river, but they all refused because they planned to defend the real king’s life by holding off the fake king’s army. They insisted that Arthur make his escape, and then more Blacklegs stormed the doors the doors of the building. The soldiers and Arthur’s followers engaged in a violent sword-fight, and Arthur stayed behind. One soldier held a knife to Mage’s throat, so Arthur held Excalibur right this time in order to harness the power within to destroy the forces of evil with his magnificent blow. All the Blacklegs were killed while Arthur and his people were the only ones left standing in that area, so they and Arthur escaped down the hole. Blue was worried about his dad Back Lack and ran off to find him, so Arthur’s group waited until dark to see if the two of them would turn up before they left the city. Blue found Lack and helped him get to the safe house. That night, the local delinquint kids left graffiti messages around the city encouraging the townspeople to riot against the fake king’s men. Blue had found Lack and helped him get to the safe house, and then Arthur’s group with young boy Blue left for the boats while Lack stayed behind. King Vortigern and his soldiers appeared and surrounded wounded Lack a minute later and explained that they had followed Blue and Lack to the house earlier that day. They questioned Lack about the assassination attempt while Blue refused to get on the boat without Lack and ran back to the house. Blue, not knowing the evil king and his henchmen were inside, pretended that he was a cleaning boy and didn’t know Lack, so Vortigern held his knife to Lack’s ear. Blue screamed no, and Vortigern knew that Blue was a liar so he cut the boy’s dad’s ear off anyway. Arthur appeared in the doorway and held a knife to the Blackleg leader Mischief John’s throat, and then Lack told Arthur to take Blue and run. Vortigern slit Lack’s throat as his tween son watched, so Arthur dragged Blue to the boat screaming. King Vortigern ordered his Blacklegs to destroy all the resistance members that night, so the army set fire to the city and slaughtered the people in the streets. Arthur’s group sailed away in their boat and returned to the hideout. Arthur had flashbacks of all the people he loved dying and being wounded because of the evil king Vortigern, so Arthur threw Excalibur off a cliff into the water below. The Lady in the Lakespotted the sword. Arthur ran to the water’s edge. Arthur had a vision of the Lady pulling him underwater and showing him the destruction that would unfold in his world if he didn’t accept the sword and trust the Mage so he took back the sword from the lake. Meanwhile, Rubio had been captured and tortured by the Blacklegs and he agreed to tell Vortigern what he wanted to know. Arthur’s men found him, and they informed him that the people were on his side now and were fighting king Vortigern’s evil by rioting throughout the whole country. They encouraged Arthur to end it all and defeat his uncle, so he explained that they would storm the castle through the front door. On their way back to the hideout, Arthur and his group found bodies hanging from the trees in the woods and more people dead inside. Mischief John and the Blacklegs waited for them, and John delivered the message that Mage and Blue would be killed ordered by the king if they didn’t go to the castle before dark. The soldiers left. That night, Bedivere went to the castle alone and gave Vortigern the Excalibur sword. Sir Bedivere requested the release of Mage and Blue since Arthur was a day’s ride away and he was no threat without Excalibur. King Vortigern let only female Mage go but kept male Blue. Mage and Bedivere met back up with Arthur. Mage used her sorcery to summon a snake that bit Arthur in the neck. He would feel the bite for a few hours, but the venom would give him power and enabled him to hallucinate on his journey to the castle. When he arrived on horseback, he was bound and brought to king Vortigern as Mage did her own black magic and sent her eagle to deliver the snake there. Vortigern wanted to hurry up and kill Arthur, so he ordered for Arthur to be on his knees. The snake tried to bite king Vortigern, but he killed it with Excalibur sword by chopping off the head before it could. Mage then sent a giant monster snake to devour Vortigern’s soldiers.Meanwhile, the resistance released all the captives from Vortigern’s prisons so they could help fight. King Vortigern escaped and consulted the Syrens again, and they reminded him that he knew the price. Vortigern then went to his teen daughter Katia’s room, and he told her he loved her and then stabbed his teen daughter to death with a knife like he did his wife. Arthur attacked Vortigern’s army with the inhuman strength that Excalibur gave him, and once he killed a good number of the evil king’s Blackleg soldiers the remaining ones put down their swords and pledged their loyalty to Arthur. The resistance arrived and battled with Vortigern’s men that were against them. Arthur found the stairwell that led to the tower, where Vortigen gave Katia’s body to the queer three female Syrens in the water. Excalibur became electrified and lit up the tower, and then the walls vanished. With greater power from killing off his daughter, Vortigern transformed into his demon self and invited Arthur to play, so the two battled with their swords. Arthur used only one hand on his sword and got his butt kicked before he was knocked out. He had another flashback of his dad’s death with a different outcome, where adult Arthur caught Excalibur before it killed Uther. Uther told Arthur to take the sword because it belonged to him now, and then Arthur woke up. Arthur told Vortigern that he was there because of his evil uncle and now he would kill Vortigern for all the hateful things he did to Arthur, his parents and his loved ones and the lives of so many innocent people that got in the evil psycho’s way. Arthur wielded Excalibur’s immense power to fend off Vortigern and was able to stab him with a sword through his black heart. Arthur kissed Vortigern’s hand to bless him because Vortigern was the devil and the devil lost. Vortigern unknowingly created Arthur to be victorious in spite of the countless ungodly murderous heathen things his mad uncle did to stop him. Vortigern finally died and the fiery tower crumbled down around him. Later on, a ceremony was held to celebrate their victory and remember those that died in battle fighting for their cause. The Vikings appeared and wanted the 10,000 slave boys that Vortigern promised them. Graybeard was turned down, but he reminded Arthur of the 3,000 long ships that surrounded the island and controlling the seas. Arthur told Graybeard to go back to his country and tell his king that England and its subjects must be bowed down to since they no longer needed the Viking’s protection on land or by water. The Vikings knelt down to Arthur and then they all feasted as friends and not enemies. Arthur built a round table to sit at with his friend, and then he put them on their knees. Sir Bedivere knighted George as Sir George, Wet Stick as Sir Tristan and Percy as Sir Percival. Sir William (Bill) used Excalibur to dub Arthur as king of England, and then he was presented to the people and crowned. Female Mage watched from afar on horseback as King Arthur brandished his sword and the crowd cheered. This movie had a budget of $175 million and grossed over $148 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Bill Zwecker, FOX-TV “Absolutely spectacular! A brilliant, witty, thrilling epic!” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/15/25

TITLE:  Lions for Lambs

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 MGM Pictures / United Artists / Wildwood Enterprises / Brat Na Pont / Andell Entertainment / 20thCentury Fox 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with the news reporting the death of eight US soldiers in Iraq who were killed by roadside bombs. More than 3,500 soldiers had died in the Iraq War since it began in 2003. There was no confidence in the president or the GOP to win the war on terrorism. Janine Roth, a TV journalist with the American News Exchange (ANX), met with Illinois Republican Senator Jasper Irving in Washington, D.C. The Illinois Senator called Roth to meet since the female reporter wrote a good piece about him that helped him become the Illinois senator. Irving was now returning the favor by asking Roth to write an honest-to-God news story, not about the government’s past mistakes, but about how they would fix them with a new plan to win the hearts of everyone involved and show other countries that the USA was strong and not a third world country. At the Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan, Lieutenant Colonel Falco informed his battalion that the al-Qaeda was getting desperate and were now killing their own people in order to get recruits and combat the people trying to stop them. The news reported the facts wrong on the base, so Falco advised the soldiers not to believe what they read and heard and advised them not to get distracted by fake news. The al-Qaeda and the Taliban moved in small packs versus one large army, but they were growing in strength. Lt. Falco was concerned for the safety of everybody if they did not win the battle and end the war soon. He assigned the troops to air assault into the Badakhshan province, which was Shiite territory, where they would set up camp and satellite links at LZ Hawk before the enemy could take it over. At Mead Hall (Liberal Arts) College in California, Professor Stephen Malley called his student Todd Hayes to his office. Hayes could ace his tests but rarely showed up to class because he was too busy with his girlfriend and being president of his fraternity. Malley made a deal with Todd that he could either accept a blue-collar B for the rest of the semester and never show up to another of Malley’s classes or he could show up every day for classes and listen to Malley’s stories about how his last two students, like Todd who showed potential, turned out when they did attend school and took school seriously. Meanwhile, Illinois Senator Irving spilled the beans to reporter Roth about what was happening with the Special Forces’ covert operation taking control of remote areas around Afghanistan before the ice melted. Republican Senator Irving admitted that they were wrong when they said in 2002 that the Taliban’s back was forever broken because the evil terrorists could still crawl with broken backs. Roth was concerned that the USA troops would be there for good like when the Romans conquered foreign lands, but Irving explained that it was temporary. The Illinois senator said the government wouldn’t wait for NATO and the new strategy had to be put first to handle the situation so they could build schools and medical facilities on foreign land and help rebuild the destruction in the warzone. The reason they had not been successful in the past was that the Predator and Global Hawk satellites and drones were not as reliable as they had hoped. Illinois Senator Irving went on to explain that Iran was at odds with Israel, plotting with North Korea, building nuclear weapons and letting the Wahhabi rebels hike from Iraq through Iran to Afghanistan. Irving gave Roth information off the record and told her only what she was allowed to quote him because she had more leeway to put fear into the hearts and mind of the people in the USA where he could not and using the news like that was part of the government plans. Irving informed Roth that the plan had already begun. At that moment, overseas, as a military plane filled with USA soldiers flew over the high country, they spotted the high-tech artillery put in place to shoot down planes. The drones had taken pictures of the old anti-aircraft gun the night before, so the soldiers believed that it was inoperable. They argued that the gun couldn’t shoot, and then the guns the drone deemed nonfunctional fired upon the plane. Several soldiers were hit, and one fell out of the plane and another jumped out before the plane descended and crash in the snow-capped rugged terrain. Back at the California college campus, Todd found out that Professor Malley’s former special students were Ernest Rodriquez (Hispanic) and Arian Finch (African American). Malley finally got out of Todd what his real issue was as to why Hayes changed from getting involved in debates in class to not caring anymore and not showing up and skipping class. It turned out that it was the political science of the class that Todd didn’t care for. Hayes believed that the government seemed to always be run by robotic politicians that said one thing and did another. They end up funneling money from We The People for their own personal gains and then crying like a born-again Christian after they got caught. The corrupt politicians had no morals or values because they themselves were too busy having sex in their offices instead of focusing on their real job, which is to serve the people. Malley told Todd that he was smart and could use his words well, but he had no real experience to back up his talk and therefore his words were mostly meaningless because he made no effort to get out and go to rallies or go door-to-door for a cause. Malley encouraged Todd to put his money where his mouth way and do more to gain insight and real experience. Back at the base, it was reported that mission impossible failed and everyone seemed dead except for Rodriguez and Finch, who were missing. Falco launched a Warthog rescue and dispatched a helicopter to find the downed soldiers. He ordered to find the person that manned the drone the night before and gave an all clear and claimed that the mountain was secure. In her meeting with the Illinois Senator, Roth believed that the government was using the special ops as bait and called Irving out for chilling in his cozy air-conditioned office far away from the danger zone. Roth was concerned they were forgoing State Department treaties and diplomacy. Senator Irving countered that they couldn’t use kid gloves on terrorists any longer. He mentioned bin Laden, Saddam, the beheadings and the broken UN resolutions while China, France and Russia continued to trade with Saddam in secret. Roth reminded Irving that America armed Saddam in the 1980’s, and they both agreed that bin Laden should be dead for what he did. Irving added that the new strategy would win the war and not the old ones from the past that failed and prolonged the fight. Reporter Roth wanted to bring the troops home, and Senator Irving went on to say that walking away from Afghanistan would make America look weak and the Taliban would continue to abuse the Afghans while America became a nation that nobody would want to ally with. Years later, no doubt the Americans would be up against a nuclear Iran and a people that hated us for deserting them and leaving their country in the hands of terrorists. Irving declared that they would do whatever it took no matter if it took a decade, and they were willing to pay substantial sums of money and lose the lives of American soldiers to ensure the terrorists were defeated on their soil. Roth pointed out some facts that the president was spending billions on submarines and planes that were little use in the Middle East and wondered why we were sending 150,000 troops to a place that didn’t attack us. Irving tried to get through to Roth by reminding the reporter of the fear that the terrorists instilled in everyone around the country and the world not knowing if they would attack again the day after 9/11/2001. The senator admitted that they had no idea how to stop it and therefore they made mistakes that they were now trying to remedy and make sure it never happened again. Meanwhile, the downed soldiers in the mountains couldn’t move because of their severe injuries. They heard noises around them and knew it wouldn’t be long before the enemy was on them. At base, Falco watched via satellite as the enemy approached his wounded soldiers. The base realized that Rodriguez and Finch were still alive when they fired a shot, so Falco contacted the rescue helicopter again that was on its way. Back in California, Professor Malley reminded Todd of the time he called on Todd during a class that he never read the material about medical clinics handing out free needles to addicts. 80 people thought that was a good idea, so Hayes spoke up against his fellow classmates. He declared that it was equivalent to the government spending money on an extra highway lane for drunk drivers and catering to the dangerous addicts while putting the lives of innocent people in their paths. Malley asked Todd what happened to him because he thought Todd had started one of the most interesting debates Malley had ever heard without even reading the assignment. Hayes basically said he didn’t need to read the material to have an intelligent judgment about the subject. Back in his office, the Illinois senator bragged to news Roth about Irving’s plan with the Special Forces without even knowing that they had already been shot down and were injured on the ground. Roth compared the government’s new plan to the disaster that happened in Abrams in 1968. Irving used Roth’s 40 years of reporting experience to tell her that she had the grits to help spread the news that it was their moral obligation to take out the evil terrorists before they struck again on US soil. Roth argued that they hadn’t done anything in six years, while World War II only took five years to resolve. In Irving’s opinion, the reason why they failed was bad intel and nobody at the top understood military strategy because they had never fought. Roth reminded Irving that although he graduated first in his class at West Point, he wasn’t in infantry and never experienced bloodshed. Irving put Roth in her place and informed her that the news was just as much as fault at the government for putting soldiers’ in harm’s way and they both had a responsibility to the people to do the right thing. Irving left to take a call from another senator, so Roth snooped around Irving’s office in his absence and saw a picture of him with George Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and the Illinois senator on the front page of Time magazine, and a favorable article Roth wrote about him. This happened as the injured USA soldiers, Rodriguez and Finch, in the warzone country tried to stay alive and help each other knowing the enemy was close and could take them anytime. In California, Professor Malley admitted to Todd that the Thesis papers he wrote didn’t get read by thousands of people as he hoped and he didn’t get paid much at the college, but the reason he stayed employed at the facility was so the professor could give a shove to the exceptional students in the direction the professor felt they needed to go so they could use their talents to help a greater number of people on a major scale than Malley could at his level. Malley explained that Rodriguez and Finch grew up in high schools that had metal detectors and teachers that carried mace so they had to fight for everything they had since it didn’t come easy for them, especially near street gangs and drug dealers. Malley went on to tell his Vietnam experience when he was fighting in the war, and he compared his and Todd’s better upbringing to the gangs and the illegal drugs on the streets of the neighborhoods where the two grew up in (Rodriguez from south Los Angeles and Finch from west Compton). They both volunteered to fight for their country in the military even though the government didn’t take good care of them during childhood. Malley admitted he didn’t get any wounds in Vietnam, but when the California Professor returned to Chicago he protested the war and he ended up with 54 stitches in his head. There was a flashback of when Rodriguez and Finch attended Malley’s university in the past. Malley asked his divided class for debate about what foreign nation’s policy could best be used in the USA. Partner students Rodrigues and Finch said that engagement was what the USA needed to do more of like countries by giving options like eliminating the junior year in high school and giving students three options. They could either be in the Peace Corps for one year abroad, do AmeriCorps in one of the 500 poorest zip codes in the country, or an ROTC-like apprenticeship in the US or abroad. The duo pointed out how USA students were getting dumber while spending billions more on their education now than they did in the past. The other students declared that they wanted big houses and high-paying jobs and called Rodriguez and Finch out on just talking to talk, so the two men then showed their applications to join the military because that was how they were going to make their country a better place. After class, Professor Malley took Rodriguez and Finch out to dinner because he was concerned that his class project was the reason they enlisted in the army. They explained that they didn’t want to spend $200,000 on graduate school because the loans weren’t so forgiving in government forgiveness loan program. They wanted to fight for their country even though they discussed things such as the leaders sending billions to the Saudis, abusing government powers and dismissing the wounded or dead soldiers as the price they had to pay to learn from their mistakes. The black and Mexican combat vets then planned to come back and have the army pay for their higher education, and they believed they could change things to make things better for Americans overseas. Back in real time, thousands of miles away, Falco tried to command the situation to send in the rescue plane for the downed and injured men that were about to be captured by the enemy. In D.C., Illinois Senator Irving returned to his office, and Roth blurted out that ANX was bought out by a soap and light bulb company and then they became a large news network. Because of that, they had ratings and ads that interfered with the real news reporting standards. She wanted to know how to verify the special ops mission he discussed, and he offered to give the reporter the infrared and gun-camera footage along with extra details. He explained that they didn’t need to draft anyone but they did need the news reaching out to the public with the stories that they were told to print by the government officials such as Irving. Roth said that it was a bad time for them to be flying the Stars and Stripes proudly, and Senator Irving asked her whether or not she was for or against the War on Terror. Irving was interrupted by a call that he took from the general informing him about the ongoing situation with the covert operation. The rescue plane still hadn’t arrived as the Taliban engaged Rodriguez and Finch in a shootout as the USA soldiers were out in the open. The enemy didn’t hit the soldiers because they wanted the wounded warriors to use all their bullets and then take them alive. Illinois Senator Irving gave reporter Roth a speech about how God and the USA were going to take care of the medieval-thinking terrorists and it broke his heart to have to report to any family the death of a loved one fighting for that goal. However, Irving changed gears in the same breath and debated with Roth whether or not to tax Internet transactions. Roth knew something was not right and called senator Irving out as the brains of the military operation and realized he came up with the new military strategy by going in with less soldiers and using them as bait. She also commented on how the senator was a lot closer to the President than the Defense Secretary. The Illinois senator argued that he was not running for president and gave Roth his direct phone number, and then she left. Meanwhile, a USA plane arrived in the area and dropped bombs around Rodriguez and Finch to drive away the enemy. After it flew off, there were about a dozen Taliban still alive in the area. The pilot was instructed to keep making rounds until he was out of ammo to take out the rest of the enemy out and rescue the soldiers. Hayes in California told Professor Malley that he wanted to live a good life because he was smart and got good grades and he didn’t want to sign up for the military and die for a country that wasn’t worth it to him. Malley asked Todd how could he enjoy his $90,000 Benz from his rich parents’ lifestyle and everything that went with it when Rome was burning in the USA and soldiers were dying in wars and his fellow Americans lived in a third world country with gangs and drug infested streets. Roth went back to her boss Howard at the news agency and skirted around the story that Senator Irving gave her. The reporter sang the theme song to The Who that was Vietnam-era thinking because she thought history was repeating itself and she had a bad feeling about it. Roth ranted about them sending out young kids in small platoons as bait and told Howard that they were all desperate to put Irving’s new plan in action when they didn’t’ have anything in place about what to do after the attack. Roth believed that it was the Illinois senator’s plan to run for the presidential election and would do anything to get the position and the news had had no facts to go other then the word of the questionable senator so they would have to take the senator’s word for what was happening. Howard tried to convince Roth to write the story that senator Irving wanted her to write, but she wanted to go against it and put her own opinions. Boss Howard reminded news employee Roth that she was 57 years old with a mom that was in full-time extended living care, and if the story she published upset the network she would be out of a job and she wouldn’t be able to get her mom the care her elder mom needed. Roth refused to write Irving’s story about the situation and Howard argued that her personal feelings report version would never see the light of day. Finch was able to get his leg finally free from where he was trapped, and he made it to Rodriguez to cover him as Falco told the pilot to take another turn around and get the Taliban wiped out. Professor Malley played a mind game with Hayes and dismissed Todd and told him he didn’t want his decision until their next class. He told Todd he was an adult meaning all the decisions he made from here on out would be what he had to account for and it would affect his life until the end because he had to help himself now. Rodriguez and Finch realized that rescue wouldn’t be there in time to save them from the Taliban who were feet from them. Finch stayed by Rodriguez’s side and would not leave him even though Finch could walk away. The Hispanic and African American sole survivor soldiers both agreed that they wouldn’t go out lying down and they would stand up and fight to the last breath. When they both stood up and aimed their guns at the enemy in the distance, they were both immediately shot dead seconds before the rescue plane arrived. Roth left her news office and got in a cab, which drove by the White House and the Arlington Cemetery that had Roth in tears. Roth had reported what the Illinois senator told her to. Todd returned to his fraternity where he and his buddy watched the news about Fate and Bully Dog’s marriage ending in divorce. Roth had printed Irving’s story, because Todd was up early for his meeting with Malley and saw in the small print on the ANX news report about the senator from Illinois’s military plan that was currently being implemented. The movie ended with Hayes having a conversation with his roomie about what grade he was getting and how he knew the grade in advance. This movie had a budget of $35 million and grossed over $63 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Joanna Langfield, The Movie Minute, “The most exciting movie of the year!” Leonard Maltin, ET, “Pure Dynamite!” Peter Hammond, Maxim, “You won’t be able to turn away!” Vue Weekly, “Robert Redford (Professor), Meryl Streep (News Reporter), Tom Cruise (Senator)deliver ‘Three knockout performances.’” 

Born This Way

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/12/25

TITLE:  Born This Way 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children).

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2012 Origin Releasing / D7 Studios Inc.

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began during Christmastime at Barry Bigs’ piano store. Barry’s employee, Jerry, found a toddler girl in a box in the back room that he left unlocked. Inside was the name Frost, so young Jerry called his girlfriend for help and didn’t involve the police. Fourteen years later, Frost was adopted and had been raised by Catholic teacher Rachel Allicaster, and so Frost attended the private Catholic school St. Anne’s from a music scholarship program as she played the piano. One day at school in a secluded area, Frost sat alone and waited for classmate Steve Radcliffe. A group of mean girls (Lauren, Julia, Carol Anne, Kimberley, Kara and Sandra) came up to Frost and called Frost an orphan and told her to leave but Frost reminded Lauren that she helped Lauren by giving her notes to study for the Algebra test. Some students practiced for a school play and it was a twisted version inside the Catholic school that turned Baby Jesus into a crab and removed Christ altogether from the CHRISTmas play, which Rebekah Mayfield protested. Frost’s mom had suggested that Frost give Steve a recorder to help him memorize his lines and possibly make him like Frost since he was playing the lead crab role. However, Steve was obnoxious, hateful and full of himself so he broke the recorder and called Frost ugly. The mean girls arrived soon after and chanted ugly until Frost ran away upset to the bathroom, and then the Catholic students left cruel notes on Frost’s locker with hateful messages and singled her out to terrorize her for their fun. Principal Frank Mayer argued with teacher Rachel about Frost being an outcast and disturbance according to the students who all ganged up on her and didn’t like her. Frank wanted Frost to be transferred to another school since she wasn’t supposed to have received the scholarship anyway and only did because of the news. Frost had overheard Frank then tell Rachel that Frost wasn’t even her own child, so Frost left the school building upset. Later at home, Frost told her mom (Rachel) that she wanted to find her birth parents and added if Rachel loved her then she would let her go. Rachel agreed and then gave Frost the anonymous Christmas present addressed to her that they found on their doorstep after they got home. The gift was an iPhone, and that night Frost got a text on the iPhone from someone claiming to be God. Frost was offered three chances to change whatever she didn’t like about herself, so she wished that her parents didn’t leave her when she was too young to remember anything. Frost then found herself being whisked away from her mom’s house into a truck by two shady people, a rude female Jazz Hamilton and a scary male Griffon Mayhew. Frost was brought to a warehouse, where criminal Jazz and her goons had plans to steal $1 million from Ergo Software by hacking into the system. Jazz (birth female) screamed at Frost to go to her room, where Frost then discovered that she had a twin sister named Summer who didn’t go to school (no school but instead taught to be a criminal and did criminal things with her criminal parents to pay the bills). Summer then took Frost to the Ergo Software building, where Summer got through security to the 13th floor by claiming to be Rachel from the Catholic school. Summer used a device to transmit info and was connected to her contact John, a dishonest employee at the software company who was working to help Jazz. He gave Summer instructions to come back later that night and get past security again to retrieve the data once it downloaded. John’s boss, Mr. Ergo, moved up the release date to the following day, so John called Jazz to move their plan up to that night. Jazz had trained Summer to do criminal tasks for her all her young life, and she very was hateful to Summer. Jazz screamed at Summer and Frost that she should have abandoned both of them at the piano store instead of just Frost, and Griff told Frost that he wasn’t her dad when Frost called him dad. That was when Frost realized that Jazz was the birth female of twin girls. Frost and Summer wore their St. Catherine’s uniforms and returned to the software company that night, where security stopped Summer at the door because they found out that Rachel was an adult. Before security could call the police, Summer gave the security guards a new name Rachael Allibaster and it came up with her picture on it so she and Frost were let through to retrieve their forgotten bags. Summer used her device again to hack the Ergo security system and locate the server room so the data could be transferred. Jazz and Griff arrived and forced the security guards Brantly and Melvin into the elevator to help them find their missing girls. Upon arriving on a different floor, two goons from Jazz’s gang took out the security guards. Frost asked Summer where she got Rachel’s ID number and Summer explained that Frost took criminal Jazz to Rachel’s house to get the ID because it was Frost’s idea to frame mom Rachel for their crime. They then planned to steal the files and vacation to a tropical getaway in Hawaii. Frost didn’t want any part of it, but Summer wouldn’t let Frost leave because she had seen her parent Jazz and Griff kill people before. Mr. Ergo, the owner of the building, then arrived and was stopped by the goons who lied that they were the new security guards. Mr. Ergo knew otherwise, so he shot the imposters with his gun. The data transfer on Summer’s device then failed, and Jazz got wind of it and realized they were caught. Jazz sold out the underage girls she birthed by leaving a note in the elevator telling security where to find the teens on the 13th floor. Jazz and Griff escaped with their henchmen and sent the Elvis (has left the building) message in Morse code to Summer. Summer translated it to her twin that it meant that Jazz bailed on them and they had to get out on their own.Frost calmed Summer down, and Summer used her device to access the cargo elevator so the girls could escape into the dark street. They went into a rug store to use a phone, where Frost text for help to the God number and explained that she just wanted to be popular. Summer disappeared, and Frost suddenly became a millionaire super model and was told by her agent Marsha Wiley to go downstairs for the fashion event. A group of adults then gave Frost a makeover, new clothes and put her on a runway. Everyone went wild and gave Frost a standing ovation and roses when she fell on her face because they thought it was the new rave. Patricia Gladstone with Entertainment Today news reported Frost’s performance at the Onyx corporate Christmas party. Teen Frost woke up the next morning in a multi-million dollar mansion, where her adult bodyguard Riko greeted her outside her bedroom door. Downstairs waited another adult hired helper, Georgia, a female with a British accent but claimed to be from Cleveland. Georgia told Frost that everything in the house was hers and then Georgia gave Frost only water to drink for breakfast as part of her new diet so the teen would not gain weight. Marsha announced that Frost would be the star of three Malabar movies. Frost wasn’t allowed to make phone calls and had to go through an adult, and then she was taken to a bizarre photo-shoot. She found out that being popular was way overrated and she lost all her freedoms because of many legal contracts in place for the mega-millions the adults planned to earn in her name. Everyone told her how to run her life and her attorney, Jordan Welsh, had to approve whatever she did before she did it. Frost’s ditzy managers arranged for the press to make an appearance outside her mansion home because Frost was the youngest person to ever be nominated for 3 Academy Awards even though she never acted. Frost then took her crew and visited St. Anne’s Catholic School and talked to Principal Frank, who didn’t know where Rachel was. Frost went with Riko and her managers to the Catholic school auditorium, where they saw Jesus-replaced-by-a-crab Christmas play was taking place with all the mean kids. Steve flipped out over Frost and thought she was cool now since she was famous, so they hung out. However, Frost couldn’t understand Steve’s gangster talk so her entourage translated for her and then whisked her away to a PS3 PlayStation appointment. Frost’s appearance with Steve led the news to speculate that she might get married. Frost answered her own phone one day and was told by a reporter that Steve dumped her for Caroline and wanted her comment. Her many advisors on her payroll then freaked out and confiscated her phone. Frost didn’t like her life there, so Riko took her away in her red sport’s car and the news reported her as missing. Frost explained to Riko that her mom told her she couldn’t run away from her problems, and Riko said that maybe Frost was just leaving them behind and not running away from them. Frost, now alone in the city, went inside a café to use a man’s phone, but then everyone recognized her as a celebrity so she hid from the mob of people. She text God again and wished to be Rebekah, so she was put into Rebekah’s body. At the café, Rebekah’s mom Judy, who didn’t want to be known as mom and went by Judy instead, picked up whom she thought was her daughter Rebekah. Frost woke up in Rebekah’s bed but had dreamt about getting a note from Lauren at school with the message “Orphan Go Home.” A bill collector came to the door to tell Rebekah (Frost) that Judy and her husband were behind in their account payments and they needed to pay otherwise they would take action. Judy was busy with herself and made Rebekah (Frost) drive herself to school. At St. Anne’s Catholic School, Rebekah (Frost) asked a teacher who was trying to calm down her unruly students down in the classroom, where Rachel was told that Rachel went home from school early. Nobody showed up to rehearsal for the Crab (Christmas) play, so Rebekah (Frost) went home to have dinner at Rebekah’s house. Rebekah (Frost) then ran away with her Catholic school clothes and slept behind the school theater curtain inside St. Anne’s that night. The next morning, Rebekah (Frost) awoke she watched and heard her mom Rachel interrupt Steve’s queer crab act with his gang of mean kids to show him the “ugly” sign he left for Frost. Rachel wanted Steve to apologize to Frost, but then Steve’s wealthy parents Mr. and Mrs. Radcliffe appeared. They ordered teacher Rachel to the principal’s office and stuck up for their delinquent son who was harassing Rachel and hating on Frost. Rebekah (Frost) ran off through the school and bumped into the real Frost. Rebekah (Frost) told Frost (herself) that everything was perfect and she didn’t need to change but the real Frost didn’t understand. Rachel came into the hallway and asked Rebekah what she was doing with Frost, and Rebekah tried to explain that she was Frost but Rachel replied that Rebekah wasn’t her daughter. Rebekah ran off to the library and grabbed one of the mean girls’ cell phones on the way by, which she tried to use to text God but he didn’t answer and she was caught by school security. She (Frost in Rebekah’s body) tried to explain to Rebekah’s parents when they came to get her that she wasn’t Rebekah. Later on when alone, Rebekah (Frost) told God in tears that she loved her mom Rachel very much and she was sorry for everything she did and wanted to go home to her mom Rachel. Frost then woke up in her own bedroom and her own body on Christmas Day. Frost gave her mom Rachel a big hug and told her mom that she loved her and was sorry. On Rachel’s laptop was the breaking news story about the robbery gone wrong at Ergo and the manhunt that was underway for the suspects. Frost then had Rachel take her to the café that she and Summer went to as she hoped to find her twin sister there. Rachel was shocked when she saw the twin sister after they arrived. Frost introduced herself to her twin sister and convinced Summer agreed to go with her sister to piano recital and live with mom Rachel. At St. Anne’s Catholic School, in the audience Steve’s parents told Principal Frank that they planned to do a twofer by dismissing Frost and her teacher/mom since the Radcliffe family gave Frost her scholarship. Frost then came on stage and announced that she wanted to stay there at the school and hoped to do so. She played the piano for everyone with her sister and mom backstage watching. Afterward, Frost got applause from everyone, even the mean kids. The movie ended one year later with Frost, Summer and mom Rachel living at the multimillion dollar mansion home with bodyguard Riko.

Super Troopers

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/10/25

TITLE:  Super Troopers 

BOX OFFICE RATED: R  (This is not suitable for GOD’s children)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001  20thCentury Fox / Fox Searchlight Pictures / Jersey Shore Productions / Cataland Films / Broken Lizard Film / Arpad Productions 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began somewhere on the Vermont-Canadian border with a trio of teen boys in a car on the highway as they all smoked weed and discussed how God owned the ocean. A Vermont state trooper car pulled up alongside them, so the passenger convinced Mike, the male in the backseat, to hide their illegal drugs by swallowing a bagful of marijuana and then a bag of mushrooms. Mike refused to eat the third bag of unknown substance so the male passenger threw it out his window while the driver distracted the officers in the police car beside them. The police then turned on the car’s lights and sirens that made the criminals worry. However, the squad car drove on past them. The druggie teens then pulled over to the side of the road. The passenger then told Mike that he needed to pay him back the $130 for the drugs he ate. Within a few minutes, the two state troopers Lieutenant Arcot “Thorny” Ramathorn and Robbie “Rabbit” Roto appeared again behind the stopped teens. The Vermont officers conducted an unprofessional traffic stop by playing ungodly mind games with their targets. The teens explained that they were headed to Canada to get food. The officers asked for the license and registration of the driver. When the two men in the front seat bent down to retrieve the papers that fell, the officers were already back in their police car and drove slowly around the right side of the stopped vehicle and then drove off. The drugged up Vermont passenger claimed then that it was a good thing the police left when they did because he had planned to shoot the Vermont officers and put a hole in the pig’s butt. The troopers then slammed on their brakes and drove backwards down the highway until the car was behind the boys’ car again. They used the loudspeaker to tell the boys to pull over, another sick mind game they played, when they were already stopped alongside the road, and then the officers bizarrely repeated the traffic stop asking for the license and registration of the driver. One state trooper then pulled out the bag of weed that the teen’s littered (the officers went back and retrieved it) and demanded that the young men smoke the whole bag. A driver then sped by in a Miata and swore at the officers almost side swiping one, so the troopers put the dopers in the back of the police car and went after the reckless driver. The officers called for backup, and Trooper Carl Foster was dispatched. Foster at the time was fishing alongside the road in flip-flops with a dummy in the drivers’ seat of his patrol car. The Miata driver soon came upon Foster’s trooper car on the highway and then beheaded the fake Foster dummy as Foster tried to remove the dummy from the driver seat with the head out the window. Both patrol cars chased after the Miata at high speeds and then the bad guy turned off the highway and ran inside a hole in the wall bar. The officers followed with guns in hand. Once inside, the man took off his wig and revealed that he was fellow Trooper MacIntyre “Mac” Womack. Mac played another one of the Vermont troopers’ dumb games that broke the law and caused disorder. The barmaid witnessed as Mac downed a bunch of shots since he was off duty while the uniformed officers were on the clock. To teach the drugged-up teens a lesson, Mac put his undercover disguise back on and ran out of the bar shooting off the gun. He stole the police car, and the druggies in the back thought that he killed all the cops inside the bar. Mac announced that they were going to Mexico and spun donuts in the parking lot. Later on at M’s Cozy Corner restaurant, the troopers guzzled Aunt-Jemima shaped maple syrup bottles and discussed gay sex. The Vermont state troopers and a group of Vermont Spurbury police officers then started a fistfight with each other until Captain John O’Hagen broke it up. The Captain brought the troopers back to the barracks and tried to have a serious meeting amidst their constant gay innuendo nutty talk. John announced that he didn’t plan to lose the job of patrolling to the local Spurbury police so the Vermont state troopers needed to get their acts together. Next, the unethical Vermont state police found a questionable Spurbury police car in their area, so they told their rivals to leave while the troopers took over. The troopers played the meow game on the suspect to harass him before they gave him a ticket and left. Trooper Rodney “Rod” Farva had words with Rabbit, which ended with the real reason that Vermont trooper Farva was on suspension was to do with a busload of kids. Farva was mad to hear it and burned Rabbit’s country music cassette until Thorny came into the room and broke up their feuding. The Vermont troopers were then dispatched to a camper in the woods, where Spurbury police was already on scene. They discovered a female dead body inside the camper along with a live pig hidden in the closet. Spurbury and the state troopers argued about whose crime scene it was, and then they locked the pig in the camper while the Vermont police all got into another fistfight, including the one female Spurbury officer named Ursula Hanson. The officers handcuffed each other and then bartered for the release of each other. The state troopers decided not to deal with the pig or the murder, so they left Spurbury police to handle it. The dispute between the two Vermont departments got into the local newspaper and Spurbury police filed a grievance against the Vermont state police. Captain John barged in on his troopers in the locker room as they hid Rabbit in one of the lockers after they covered him in shaving cream to tell them all to shape up so they didn’t lose their police barracks and were out of the job from the Vermont female governor’s police budget cuts. Vermont officers from both departments attended the red shirted Hawks and blue shirted Cubs little league baseball game. Foster left the game to get food and ran into Ursula at the food booth. Ursula invited Foster to hit her back since she had slugged him in the nose during the fistfight. Foster agreed, so Ursula closed her eyes and then she got hit in the face by a baseball. She thought Foster did it, so she dumped a snow cone on Foster’s head and stormed off. Ursula sat on the bleachers and tried to get out of her desk job and work in patrol by talking to her male boss beside her. She was upset at her superior officer for not letting her do any field work and instead he made derogatory jokes in response. Trooper Foster later went to the Spurbury barracks to flirt with Ursula. He told her how the officers once pulled over AC/DC’s bus and AC/DC flew the state troopers all to Jamaica to party to get out of a ticket. Later, on the highway, Troopers Mac and Foster chased off a Spurbury police car driving beside a big rig truck that failed to stop at the weigh in station. The Spurbury squad car sped off so the troopers pulled over the Bundy soap truck. Frank Galikanokus, a tall wrestler built dude got out of the truck and said he was in a hurry. He showed the officers the boxes of soap he was hauling after opening the back. However, when Mac and Foster got in the back to inspect the load, Galikanokus locked the two officers inside. Two hours later, Mac was describing how he got crabs when Thorny and Rabbit opened the back of the big rig and announced that it stunk like sex in the truck (as though the straight men had gay sex in the back). With the light of day to see, the officers discovered that the boxes were filled with a small amount of soap and 150 kilos of marijuana. The troopers took the illegal drugs to the Vermont barracks. Captain John had Galikanokus’ name run and discovered that it was a fake identity and it was fake soap company. The troopers figured out that Galikanokus was a drug smuggler dealer because the drugs had the same Johnny Chimpo monkey sticker on them as the JC monkey tattoo on the back of the dead female in the camper. The captain asked if the bag of pot from the college kids had the same sticker, so Rabbit said no after slyly checking the bag that he had hidden in his pocket and didn’t turn in but used for his own consumption. The Vermont officers explained to John that Chimpo was an Afghani version of Japanese anime where Chimpo’s butler tried to help the monkey stop doing nasty things around the world. Mad Bill Timber, the mayor of Spurbury, Vermont then dropped by to get his picture taken with the Vermont officers and the large drug bust. He announced that female Governor Jessman would stop by in Spurbury on her way to Burlington. Afterward, Thorny and Rabbit took Thorny’s young son, Arlo, for a drive in the squad car where they questioned Arlo if his mom, Bobbi, had any other relationship with older guys other than Thorny who came over. Not long after, the troopers pulled over a Washington-plated Porsche that was speeding, and it was a male German behind the wheel who announced that he was used to driving on the Autobahn. The man’s wife showed Rabbit her panties and cleavage to distract Rabbit, and the man claimed that he couldn’t afford another ticket so he provocatively offered another way to get out of it by using himself or his wife. Tween Arlo hung out with Thorny at the police car, while the German female bent over the front of the Porsche car as Vermont officer Robbie Rabbit felt her up and she blew her husband kisses as he watched. Farva told Thorny over the police radio that the Porsche was stolen, so officer Arcot Thorny left his son in the police car and walked over and told officer Rabbit who was then making out with the female and the female invited Thorny to join them. The German man used a feather to tickle Thorny’s private parts through the open car window. After both Germans were handcuffed, officer Rabbit still sucked on the foreigner woman’s neck and groped her breast. The troopers put both suspects in the back of their squad with Arlo up front in the middle. Arlo was going to sit on Rabbit’s lap, but he sat between them because Rabbit was aroused from his make-out session with the criminal. Vermont State Trooper Captain John O’Hagen went to see Spurbury’s police chief, Bruce Grady, about the Jane Doe in the RV and it turned out she was strangled to death. Grady refused to give trooper John any information about the murder and drug case because he wanted the state troopers’ budget added to Spurbury’s police department budget after the governor shut the state trooper police barracks down. Grady appeared to be hiding something and criticized John and his sad team of police officers’ ability to do police work, so John was angry and left.Later that night, Farva filled up his personal orange hot rod car at the gas station, but he didn’t get a free hot dog because the tank didn’t reach ten gallons, so the off duty cop emptied some more gas into the trash can to get the free hot dog. Meanwhile, on duty officer Vermont trooper Mac masturbated in his police car while he held the speed gun on his private parts while starring at the new Casino La Fantastique billboard with a picture of a woman’s hot lips. Rabbit sped by driving recklessly and blasting music, so Mac and Farva pulled him over in their two cars. As that happened, at Thorny’s female partner, Bobbi’s house, the German couple were let out of jail and jumped around on a bed as Thorny was in his underwear holding bananas. Thorny, Bobbi and the Germans then all had sex before the Germans were taken back to jail (not sure where the young son was in the house). Vermont State Trooper Foster showed up outside the Vermont Spurbury police department when Ursula was alone on duty one night. Trooper Foster called on his cell phone and pretended to be a female and reported a man flashing his underwear outside the police station, which was really him exposing himself to the female officer. Ursula snuck out a side door and then pulled a rifle on Foster and used a male voice converter to tell him to drop his coat as if she would rape him in the middle of the street. The two then made out passionately and used the police compounded Jane Doe camper to have sex. They broke the bed and discovered more kilos of the illegal drugs under the bed that had the Johnny Chimpo cartoon sticker on them. The next day at the barracks, Captain O’Hagen chewed his officers out for their behavior the previous night because it was on the police band and they were issued a form to inventory all of their equipment, which meant they would soon be closing the police barracks. The captain moved Rabbit to the desk job and Farva was put on duty with Thorny. Foster arrived late for the meeting and then took out a kilo from his backpack and told everyone it was from the camper, but didn’t believe the lie Foster told them how he got it from the locked area. No matter, Captain John pounced on the new evidence and wanted to beat Spurbury in solving the crime while they still had a trooper department. Foster and Ursula met up again but this time in the Vermont woods and had sex in the back of the patrol car. Foster bragged that people in New York paid a lot of money to watch cops have sex. They quickly realized that they were locked in because you have to open the back doors from the outside, but they later got out when Foster took the hinges off a door. The next day, Foster and Mac went undercover as truck drivers driving a big rig. Back on patrol again Trooper Rodney Farva tried to convince Thorny to name their car Ramrod  after the two of them as Trooper Thorny Ramathorn called in a car with Vermont plates with code words for license plate number Alpha God Mustard One Niner Decade China. Farva wanted to play one of the mean games that the others always played on the people they pulled over, so out of control Rod in police uniform got out of the car and called the old man behind the wheel a chicken-f**ker. Captain John called Chief Grady and wanted to work together on the case but Vermont Chief Grady said O’Hagen’s new information was that Johnny Chimpo was the pimp in charge of the Cartoon Network whorehouse. John wanted in on the investigation, but Grady wouldn’t let him so John threatened to embarrass Grady like he did in ‘77 when Grady had sex with his cousin. Grady hung up on John. Thorny and Farva showed up to eat at Dimpus Burgers. Ted, the teen worker who ordered Farva’s burger to have spit in it, harassed the officers. Farva turned irate and Thorny calmed him down so he didn’t murder the disrespectful kid. There were contest stickers on the drink cups where you could win $10 million if it was the winning sticker. When Farva peeled his sticker, Ted had put a hole in the cup so the drink leaked out on Farva. Officer Rod flipped and tackled Ted, so Farva ended up at the Spurbury police department. Queerly, the rival officers hosed Farva down naked and covered him with powdered sugar. Chief Grady dismissed the officers and had a talk with naked Farva. He tried to entice Farva into betraying his trooper brothers because they would be shut down anyway after Grady persuaded the governor. He offered for Farva to come on board and have his own police car and higher salary with more exciting cases. Farva told Grady he was all highway, so the chief told him he was free to go. Foster and Mac returned from their undercover job that didn’t go well because Foster couldn’t drive the semi. They told about Farva going schizoid, as Thorny and Rabbit took inventory. The officers hadn’t seen anything the first time they watched the Johnny Chimpo cartoon, so they watched it again and smoked joints of marijuana from the department’s ceased drugs. Captain John reviewed the footage of Rod at Dimpus Burger and demoted Farva to cleaning duty, which didn’t sit well with the disgruntled officer. The German male prisoner was let out of his cell and joined the troopers watching the monkey cartoons and got stoned with them. Captain John broke it up and sent the prisoner back to his cell and found out that the officers were still goofing off and not doing their police work. Trooper Robbie Rabbit Roto returned with lipstick on his face after making out with the German female again. O’Hagen then announced that he was searching for a new job because they screwed things up and would be out of there soon and advised the others to do the same. Foster and Ursula met at a restaurant disguised as bikers, and he said he go to Deer Lick if the barracks shut down. Ursula didn’t want a long-distance relationship, so she had a plan and discussed Governor Jessman coming there for an event. Foster thought Jessman would shut them down, but Ursula believed that the government wouldn’t if Foster showed her the extra pot from the Winnebago that Ursula didn’t turn in to her department. The troopers would look good in front of the media and get to stay. Ursula agreed to go against her department and help trooper Foster break into the department’s camper. Vermont State Trooper Mac showed up almost naked to target practice wearing only a metal device around his private parts. Thorny took aim as he was the best shot and hit his male parts target, and the force of it jolted Mac backwards and he declared that the other officer could f**k his mother. Captain John appeared and announced that he invented that contraption, so he took the gun away and tried to shoot Rabbit who was now wearing it. However, one of the officers deflected the bullet and it went through the window of a patrol car, and John told them they were crazy because he only used blanks for that kind of thing and not real bullets. They told John their plan to get them in good graces with the Governor and look like heroes. Soon after Spurbury, Vermont officers welcomed Governor Jessman to their planned party. Mayor Bill told John that the governor was their only hope to save the department. Vermont Governor Jessman asked her assistant why they were there if it was just a minor marijuana drug bust and not cocaine. The Spurbury police then got multiple calls in to the department, so the two officers on duty left the phones to check things out. When the officers arrived, they found disguised trooper Robbie Rabbit in the woods looking like a hunter having sex with a bear. The officers both knew it was illegal and suggested calling the game warden, but instead they addressed Rabbit as bear-f**ker as spectators laughed. When the officers got out a gun to shoot the bear, Rabbit ran off and they saw that he was strapped into a costume. Ursula left a key under a rock for her lover Foster with Thorny to get into the police impound while the distracted officers were gone. The Vermont governor didn’t want to stick around and believed it a waste of her time, so her assistant told everyone that she would be speaking early and then leaving. At the open bar, Farva mixed drinks and drank heavily so he was constantly throwing up in the bathroom. Foster and Thorny stole the camper from the police impound and drove it recklessly to get to the party in time. Just as the troopers arrived with the duffel bags full of supposed drugs, the governor was already announcing that the Spurbury police made another astounding drug bust in the Vermont state’s War on Drugs. Thorny and Foster opened the bags and soon discovered that their police rivals had already removed the drugs and inside was a message apologizing and suggesting that they find new jobs. Grady announced that the dead female in the camper was identified as Lucy Garfield, a queenpin from Louisville, Kentucky. Ursula left the party, and Foster called her out for turning on him and wanted to know what she was getting out of it all and if she was screwing Grady too. Ursula tased Foster in his private parts and left in her squad car. Later at the barracks, everyone was mad at Foster for being deceived by Ursula. They all drank hard liquor together and Captain John calmed them down and advised them not to let it come between their friendship. They heard a noise in the locker room, so they went to investigate and found Farva in his new Spurbury police uniform. Rod confessed that he ratted them out and was now a member of the other force, so the officers removed Farva’s police uniform and handcuffed him to the toilet gagged. The captain and the troopers drove around town in the Spurbury police car that Farva was given and the troopers drank heavily and were being a nuisance at local places making everyone believe they were Spurbury officers and not the Vermont state troopers. They pulled someone over, and John wore Farva’s police Spurbury uniform. Captain John asked the driver for his license and registration and then peed on the guy’s car. They then went to Grady’s house and smashed Grady’s mailbox outside his house, and Grady wasn’t home so the drunken trooper captain smashed the potted plants to the ground and broke the glass windows. Foster called Ursula on the police radio and tried to apologize, but she told him to switch to a private channel so they wouldn’t be heard over the police broadcasting system. Ursula told Foster she knew a way to get back at the Spurbury police as she sat behind and manned the Spurbury police desk. She instructed the troopers to meet her late at the Okeechobee road. Ursula didn’t show up, but then Galikanokus drove by in his truck so the troopers tried to chase after him but were stopped by sellout Farva who had somehow escaped from the bathroom and showed up in his personal vehicle. Rod held his gun on them and tried to arrest the troopers. The guys tried to stop Farva but he told them that he was doing real cop work now and that he wasn’t being held back. Rod then broke down in tears for ratting out his buddies and put his gun down. Thorny finally used team Ramrod to bond with Farva and convinced Rod to help them go after the drug truck. They headed to the very rural and small airport, where a Canadian plane waited for the big rig truck to pick up the illegal drugs and take the narcotics across the Vermont Canadian border. A Spurbury police car showed up with the plane and tractor-trailer truck. Farva was mad and believed he was missing out on the big bust so he ran off. But then, Vermont Police Chief Grady got out of the car and hugged and kissed the French-Canadian pilot, and then Grady’s officers appeared and helped transfer the drugs from the fake company USA truck to the maple leaf flag unmarked Canadian plane. Ursula appeared in the troopers’ hiding spots and recognized that the Vermont troopers were too drunk to confront the bad Spurbury cops and drug smugglers and dealers. She explained that she had known for a while that Spurbury were dirty cops, and she didn’t know what to do about it so she used Foster even though she really liked him. Farva held his gun on Grady and the Spurbury officers pointed their guns at Farva. The troopers searched Farva’s personal car for tools to take down the criminals, and they found a blow-up naked sex doll named Ursula, which they strapped to the top of their police car. They drove right at Grady and his officers, who shot at them. The troopers and Ursula then had a fistfight with the Spurbury officers, and the troopers came out the winners. Later on at John’s house, he read aloud a personal letter he received from Governor Jessman praising his officers’ unconventional police tactics in apprehending the drug dealers and exposing the dirty cops. It was added that the state of Vermont could use more officers like the gay troopers, and then the governor’s letter went on to say that due to financial issues the barracks would still be closed and good luck to John at his new job in Sherburne. The Captain said it was signed by female Vermont Governor F**khead. Three months later, Thorny and Rabbit worked as drivers for the St. Anky Beer company. They delivered a keg of beer to a house, which happened to belong to the druggie teens that they pulled over earlier. The young men laughed about how the cops lost their jobs and let them in to drop off the beer among dozens of inebriated young adults. They made the ex-officers move the heavy keg all around the house and then tried to buy them with a Lincoln $5 bill because they didn’t have an ID proving they were 21 and old enough to drink. Thorny corrected them that George Washington was the one who never told a lie, so the teens tore a dollar bill in half and told them to split it. Ex-troopers Thorny and Rabbit then took off their disguises to reveal their Spurbury uniforms, and the rest of their buddies and Ursula showed up and underage kids fled in their drunken Vermont state to avoid arrest. It was another officer game they played at their new police jobs and the officers really only arrested the two teen men behind it since it started as a noise complaint despite all the teen drinking. This movie had a budget of $1.5-3 million and grossed over $23 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Ain’t It Cool News, “Damn, it’s funny!” Gannett NewsService, “Hilarious!” Newhouse News, “Stoned teen-agers, nutty cops, topless chicks and car chases.”  The movie was released months prior to 9/11. The Vermont law enforcement made a game out of their crazy gay act behavior and appeared to be all straight, not gay. This movie is a hateful depiction of law enforcement officers in the USA. The plot is more in line with the January 6, 2021 democrat government shenanigans used to hide the 2020 stolen Presidential election and steal it away from the real republican winner.

Outrage

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/4/25

TITLE: Outrage 

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Magnolia Pictures / Chain Camera Picture

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This documentary began with a statement that gay and lesbians deserved to be equal in the political field and not silenced as closet politicians. It went on to show Larry Craig, a Republican senator from Idaho busted by the police for soliciting sex in a public bathroom. The news went wild over it insinuating that Larry cheated on his wife for years with gay men and added that the government employee should stop hiding his gay behavior and make the public switch over to the gay pride side. It was said that in 1955 when Larry was 10 years old, a gay man was exploited in the Idaho newspaper for being a perverted monster with teenage boys. The press declared that Larry hid his attraction to the same sex because he knew nobody would elect him in politics since we are One Nation Under God and a government founded upon Christian values. One openly gay man was interviewed and testified that Larry met up with him at a gay bar. The man knew who Larry was because of his wife’s name on a piece of mail inside the home. After the two men had oral sex at Larry’s house in DC, Larry paid the man $20 and threatened him to stay quiet about their gay affair. It was said that there was no existing government law to protect any LGBTQ people, and that was not true because these male and female people are God’s children and therefore have the same rights as any other citizen in the USA, a country founded upon Christian values. It was said that Larry was known for speaking out about the naughty nasty boy Bill Clinton while Larry himself was cheating on his wife in his government position with same sex lovers. Mike Rogers, a blogger investigator, went after members of Congress to expose their hidden gay affairs using voice recordings of government officials and hotline tips to report closet gay government officials who used online gay sex sites and then voted down bills for gay rights despite being gay themselves. Ed Schrock was a Republican congressman for Virginia who wanted to ban same-sex marriage but then he didn’t go for re-election after Rogers exposed his hidden sex life. In 2006, the Florida governor race raised the issue of gay marriage. Republican candidate Charlie Crist (now Democrat) claimed to support man and woman marriage only, but behind the scenes his opponent Max Linn told everyone that Charlie repeatedly told Max he was gay.Soon, an investigative reporter in Florida got wind of Crist and met with Jason Wetherington, a Republican who worked for the 2003 Republican candidate Katherine Harris, at a mansion party. Crist and Jason had sex, and Jason expected to be in Crist’s administration and continue their gay relationship after Crist won the election. It was rumored that Crist also had a sexual relationship with Bruce Carlton Jordan, but Crist denied having relations with either Jordan or Jason. They both left Florida and didn’t return until Crist’s election as governor. At the time, Florida was the only state in the US that didn’t allow gay couples to adopt but allowed them to foster HIS children. Rogers became well-known for outing Republican hypocrites who were against gay rights but had gay relationships and sex. It was said during an interview in New York that the Washington Post claimed Rogers was the most feared person on Capitol Hill. In the 80’s, the news and gossip magazines outlets hid the fact that people were gay by covering them up with straight relationships. It changed in the 90’s when the gossip columns and magazines were corrected and exposed the individuals for their deceit, including Malcolm Forbes of Forbes magazine. Years later, the New York Times exposed Malcolm Forbes for being gay and not really dating Elizabeth Taylor as everyone was led to believe. When Ronald Reagan was elected as president, there were closeted gay Republicans such as Richard Krause and Terry Dolan who went to gay parties but did nothing to help the more than 580,000 Americans that died of AIDS. New York mayor Ed Koch (Democrat and Republican) sang on Broadway and everyone knew he was gay, but he refused to give a dime to help gay people in his city. Ed forced one of his lovers to move out of state because Ed wielded his power as a closet gay mayor and made it impossible for his lover to find work so the man relocated to California. One of Ed’s former lovers felt financially and physically threatened if he testified against Ed, and then the man died from AIDs. Republican Louisiana representative Jim McCrery also voted down gay rights for many years. A couple of men that Jim had sexual relations with claimed that Jim was an atheist Democrat when they knew him and he used the fraternity house as a gay bar to pick up young college men. A group of backers approached Jim, and he changed his party to Republican and picked a random church to join. He got married and had a child while also having gay relationships in secret. Jim’s lover came forward with the news and outed the congressman, but that only helped advance Jim’s career while the man who outed him had the community turn on him and send hate mail to his parents. The gay people were upset that Jim received thousands of awards while in his government position when he was not true to himself and hid his gay side from the American people. Jim retired in 2009 and was high-ranking on the Ways and Means Committee. Rogers went to Jim’s DC office with the cameras rolling wanting to do an interview with Jim to talk about him being a closet gay. California Republican David Dreier also voted no to gay marriage, gays in the military and non-discrimination at work. It was rumored that Dreier was dating his Chief of Staff Brad Smith, so Rogers investigated and got all the records of the places that Dreier and Smith traveled to together. They went to Micronesia, Malta, India, Spain, Chile, Greece, Russia, New Zealand, Australia, Nepal, Italy, and Jamaica. The news outlets went after Dreier because it was contradictory the way he lived his life as gay and then voted against gay rights in Congress. Dreier tried to get a higher government position, but he didn’t and the news outlets such as The Washington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, Fox News and The Wall Street Journal said it was because he was a closet gay. Gay activists were disappointed that Dreier wasn’t a voice for them because they felt that he could come out and still get re-elected to get the gay agenda passed in Congress. Many news reporters were also gay and hid their own sexuality even though it was their job to tell the truth. Fox News reporter Shepard Smith appeared to claim that Jenny from the block was a man, and it was said the reporter was a closet gay. One of the men that Shepard had sex with was tired of Shepard getting promoted and attention so the gay lover outed Shepard and got attention himself. It was said that Washington DC had more gays than San Francisco, especially the staffers who were closet gays. Those politicians lied when asked about their personal lives and used pronouns to describe their partners at home without revealing that they preferred being gay to a normal, healthy and Biblical relationship between a man and a woman. A lobbyist said it was the worst thing for anyone to know you were gay because you could lose your family, friends, job and seat in Congress. Members of Congress even cried in each other’s arms because they wanted to come out publicly but didn’t because of the negative way they would be received and the possible deadly consequences it might have. In 2004, CNN reported how Jim McGreevey, the Democrat Governor of New Jersey, resigned his position after a sex scandal and publicly announced that he was gay with his wife present. Jim was interviewed and explained that as a child, he went to a Catholic school library and learned that it was wrong to have abnormal sexual relationships with people of the same sex. As Jim grew up, he no longer felt ashamed and believed it was the way he was made even though he had to sneak around in order to have gay sex at abandoned synagogues and rest stops. He realized it was unhealthy in all ways for him to be gay in private and he resented that straight people could have sex in public without being judged. A radio host for Sirius XM was labeled a fag when he was a teen, so he hid it by joining the straight guys and attacked another gay teen to divert the attention from his supposedly own gay self. He compared that behavior to what the closet gays were doing in Congress by not voting for gay rights. It was said that the targeted groups for witch hunts against gays were communists and queers. Politics was compared to a Broadway show where everything was staged and scripted. The gay community said that the Craigs put on a convincing show hiding Larry’s gay side and believed that his wife was insane for standing by him during his exposure. Jim McGreevey’s wife stated that she had no idea her husband was gay and was leading a double life, and that made her doubt all the times she and Jim had together because she now knew that he was putting on an act and possibly used her to get elected to a government position. She doubted that gay Jim ever loved her because he years later said he was more attracted to men than he was women, and she wasn’t happy that Jim destroyed her and her daughter’s life for years with his fake act. When Crist won the Florida election in 2007,he was the first bachelor governor in 40 years so the media investigated his dating life. Crist married a woman in 1979, and they divorced six months later and she went to live with her lesbian partner. Crist was still a bachelor 20 years later, and he dated women here and there but only for very short periods of time. Crist ended a relationship with Kelly Heyniger in 2007, and when asked about Crist she responded that she would stay silent for now but tell the story in ten years. One activist saw the gay marriage dispute forthcoming after an election in Massachusetts in 2003. George W. Bush was in favor of keeping the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman pure in God’s eyes, and a political consultant Hilary disputed it and thought it was un-American that she couldn’t marry her female partner. The activists declared that these leaders and religious figures were being hateful toward the gay people, when in fact it was a marriage union between a man and woman was what the nation was built on. The news reported about hate crimes and gays being targeted with vandalism at their homes, and one was about a teen whose body was found in the woods after he was murdered by his own gang members supposedly because the terrorist gang he was part of believed he was gay. More deaths of gay teens were reported at school. The activists announced that the 2004 presidential election was clearly gay. Larry King and Bill Maher had an interview together on CNN talking about the names of figures in Washington who were closet gays. They claimed that Ken Mehlman was leading and funding the anti-gay campaign when he himself was gay. The activists also felt that Dick Cheney’s daughter Mary, who was openly gay, was protected from discrimination because of her wealthy family and her dad’s position in government and things would be different otherwise. Mary Cheney’s job before she helped get her dad and Bush re-elected was being the gay and lesbian liaison for Coors beer. The gay community was upset that Mary Cheney didn’t dissect the Republican party to get the gay rights bill passed. An RNC member was exposed for being closet gay and not doing anything to elect somebody who would pass the gay marriage law. Arizona Republican representative Jim Kolbe voted for the gay act in 1996 and then came out as gay because the news investigators planned to out him. John McCain told Kolbe that being gay wasn’t an issue and Kolbe was still his friend. Kolbe introduced the Federal Marriage Amendment in 2006 but failed but the culture war continued. In 2008, Crist endorsed Senator McCain for president. Before McCain announced his campaign running mate, Crist proposed to his girlfriend Carole Rome who he had been dating for nine months. He later announced his support for Amendment 2 to keep marriage straight between a man and a woman. Crist and Carole got married, and the gay community was upset that he did so because he was living a lie and didn’t help the gays by going far right in his support of non-gay marriage. While governor of Florida, Crist put in position two Supreme Court justices that opposed gay marriage and he continued to support the ban on gay adoption even after a Florida judge ruled it unconstitutional. In 2012, Crist endorsed President Obama for reelection. It was said in a round about way that if every gay person came out to their family and friends, then the abnormal and low percentage gay people would win big. This movie grossed over $287,000 at the box office. The movie cover art listed, San Francisco Chronicle, “Four stars. Powerful…essential viewing.” Philadelphia Inquirer, “Riveting and provocative.” Los Angeles Times “Powerful. A significant film.” Time Out New York, “Four stars. A thorough, reasoned argument…the gloves definitely come off.” “In 2015 the Supreme Court alarmingly voted against our Nation’s Christian values and dishonorably allowed same-sex marriage nationwide.” Reverend MJ

College Road Trip

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/31/25

TITLE:  College Road Trip 

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Walt Disney Pictures / Walt Disney Studios / Gunn Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in the small Illinois town of Fox Springs. Police chief James Porter had planned for his daughter to Melanie attend Northwestern University since her birth. James believed it was safe and the closest college to home in the event his daughter needed help or family support. At a high school event, in front of an audience, 17-year-old Melanie Porter played attorney in a mock court. She got Mr. Wolf off the hook in the Three Little Pigs case after the jurors found the wolf not guilty for his huffing and puffing as well as lack of evidence. Afterward, Melanie left with her parents James and Michelle but forgot something and returned to the school building as her parents waited in the car. Judge Mahagian then had words with Melanie. Mahagian was the presiding Judge over the wolf case. He praised her for her performance and promised to call his buddy at Georgetown who worked in admissions since Melanie wanted to attend Georgetown in D.C., but she had been wait-listed. Melanie was so happy that she jumped on the judge and hugged him tightly. That night, Melanie lied to her parents that she and her girlfriends, Nancy Carter and Katie, were going to the library. Once picked up at her house, Melanie and the other teen girls headed to a teen house party. Meanwhile, James and Michelle entertained Deputy O’Mally and his pregnant wife at dinner. They bragged that raising Melanie was easy. This, as Melanie was miles away dancing with her girlfriends at the rage party and hating on her dad because Melanie believed that he didn’t get her and treated her like a baby. Melanie agreed to go with her friends on a college tour at Georgetown and Pittsburgh where one friend’s sister was attended college. James tried to give the O’Mallys advice about parenting, but Michelle told him to stop so James then showed the guests his extensive library of home videos of Melanie growing up. Later on, James believed that the family pet pig, Albert, was stalking him and the pig made faces at the police chief, even on security cameras. The next morning, Judge Mahagian left a message on the answering machine that Georgetown was interviewing some of the students from the waitlist and Melanie needed to be in Washington D.C. on Monday afternoon to be selected. Melanie was ecstatic and screamed her happiness making her parents believe someone was in the house attacking her so her dad came running with a baseball bat. As it turned out, they couldn’t make a family road trip of it because Michelle was a realtor and had open houses that weekend. Melanie decided that she would go to D.C. with Nancy and Katie on their road trip and then she left with her friends again. James and Michelle then had an argument when Michelle revealed that she helped Melanie fill out her application and apply to Georgetown. Michelle argued that Melanie wasn’t a little girl anymore and could take care of herself, but James knew how dangerous the real world was and his daughter was still underage. James went to the police department and blew off steam at target practice. He used different size guns as deputies O’Mally and Stuart laughed and reminisced about how much they partied at college and convinced their parents to pay for a trip to Mexico when they were supposed to be at school studying. James had crazy-eyes and blew a big hole in his target with a large rifle, which scared the deputies. James then announced that he was taking three days off, and the deputies were worried he would do something insane. James decided that he would have a daddy daughter road trip and drive Melanie and him 700 miles to DC for her interview in his police SUV. James and Michelle’s 10-year-old genius son Trey asked James to deliver a message to the Secretary of Defense that Trey created a race of superpigs to defend America from its enemies. Dad told his son that his son would have to deliver that message himself. The next day, Trey left early for a day-long science fair with his friend per Michelle as she said goodbye to husband and daughter and then she went to work. James and daughter Mel left on their road trip. James took a detour and drove them to Northwestern University and explained that they would start there because they needed to visit many colleges. They toured Northwestern, and Melanie ran into Nick who offered to give her a private tour of the university. Melanie was surprised when James quickly agreed. Nick boasted about how great it was going to college near home, and then he slipped and called James the Chief. Melanie realized that James put Nick up to it so she dismissed undercover Nick and asked him to get her lemonade. Melanie found her dad and she lied to James that Nick took her to a crazy frat party while they hung out together. Nick arrived with the lemonade for Melanie and then James tased Nick. Undercover Deputy Stuart then claimed that he transferred to Northwestern after he got stabbed in the eye at Georgetown but Melanie knew that his eye patch was covering a fake injury. James then dismissed the dozen other people he had recruited on sight, such as one that was in a wheelchair with a leg cast. They were undercover for the police chief to help convince Melanie to attend Northwestern. Meanwhile, Nancy and Katie were on their road trip too. They called Melanie on her cell phone once her and her dad were back on the road and Melanie rudely laughed with them about how much of a control freak her police dad was. After awhile, James and Melanie encountered backed-up traffic. She wanted to turn on the police siren to get through, but James refused and instead used his police GPS to maneuver around the traffic. However, the police GPS malfunctioned and led them into the remote woods. They got a flat tire so James stopped to change it. James then discovered that Trey and Albert stowed away in a compartment in the back of the SUV. Trey said he built a ventilation system with an oxygen mask for him and the pig so they wouldn’t suffocate. After everyone was out of the police car, including the pig, James jacked up the SUV too much and then it rolled off the steep embankment and landed on its side. James was unable to flip the SUV over and hurt his back in the process. The Porter family then walked to the nearest road because the pig Albert “told” them to. They made it to the Deer Creek Inn, where there were no pets allowed. James wrapped Albert up like a baby and they got a room. They called Michelle, and she was mad that Trey was a stowaway, but soon forgave the little genius. Melanie missed a sleepover with her high school friends at the Pittsburgh college sorority house, and she was upset with her dad for treating her like a child. He argued that she still considered a child according to the law. James then dumped the coffee grinds that Mel wanted to drink and told her caffeine was a drug and she isn’t doing drugs. Albert later ate the coffee out of the wastebasket after the pig heard on TV that coffee made you smarter. Albert started bouncing on the bed and then escaped from the room when room service brought them cookies. James and Melanie chased after Albert, but he jumped out the window on to the tent outside where a high dollar wedding reception took place. Albert ruined bride Lily’s party making a mess of the guests and causing the bridge to punch her groom in the face. The Porters were kicked out of the hotel and the next morning appeared at a small restaurant. The family was then reunited with Doug Greenhut and his teenage daughter Wendy from Florida. The Greenhuts were both very hyperactive and had introduced themselves to the Porters at Northwestern University. Doug and Wendy were on their own college tour and decided to give the Porters a ride. Melanie announced that she wanted to be in the Cooper Program at Georgetown. Wendy blabbed that the program entailed studying at Georgetown’s sister school in Tokyo, Japan. James had no idea and wasn’t happy about that. Doug and Wendy dropped the Porter family off at the bus station. The Porters hitched a ride on a USA Experience tour bus with a group of Japanese people who were singing Sister Christian karaoke. James was disappointed in Melanie for the way their relationship changed and how she didn’t tell him about Georgetown or Japan or remember their special song from earlier childhood years, “Double Dutch Bus.” Melanie grabbed the microphone away from the Sister Christian singer man and sang the Double Dutch Bus song for her dad and danced sexy and distracted the bus driver. All the foreigner tourists joined in, and then James and Melanie made amends and he wanted to hear about Georgetown’s Cooper Program, as young Trey sat in a nearby seat with pig Albert. James gave the tour bus driver directions to Grandma’s house once in Pittsburgh. James hadn’t told his mom they were coming because he believed Grandma was too old in her mid sixties to do anything and she wasn’t going anywhere. However, Grandma was inside her house doing salsa dancing with other men and women her age. Grandma panicked and had everyone hide when they spotted James her control freak police chief son outside. Nancy and Katie had stayed an extra night at the sister’s sorority, so they arrived at Grandma’s and picked Melanie up so she could spend the night at the college house with them. The Porters planned to fly to DC the following morning. James watched another animal documentary on TV about a gazelle daughter getting her head ripped off by a cheetah after the young gazelle strayed away from her dad. James called the dorm room to check on his daughter after that. Chris, a female who sounded like a male, answered Melanie’s cell phone. Bobbi, another female, announced that Melanie was in the shower. James believed that Melanie was alone with two guys so he high-tailed it to the Pittsburg Campus Lmega Psi Lambda house in his mother’s car. James told the housemother that he was a police officer, but he left his badge at his mom’s home so the housemother shut the door in James’ face and mocked him that he still lived with his mom. James walked around the house to try and locate his daughter inside the house. Melanie and the girls screamed and danced wildly in the window with moves that looked like Melanie was being strangled. James was afraid that the two men (Chris and Bobbi) were attacking his underage daughter, so he climbed up to the window using a ladder. The ladder fell out from underneath him and he was left dangling from the balcony. James climbed into the bedroom through the open window after the girls had left the room. James hid under the bed that Melanie and Katie shared. The girls finally settled down by one in the morning. But at 2:00 am, James listened as Melanie told Katie that James had changed and now trusted Melanie to be on her own even after the crazy things her police chief dad did in the past (keep her safe). The next morning, Melanie left and James was asleep under the bed. Another girl found him after she heard his snoring and called and rang the alarm for the housemother. The housemother tased James thinking he was a pervert. Melanie was called by campus security and was told that James was locked up there. Melanie was upset that she would be late for her flight to Georgetown. When Melanie arrived, James tried to explain what happened, but Melanie refused to listen and told the campus officer that James wasn’t her dad and she walked out to go to the airport and catch her D.C. flight. Grandma bailed James out and told him that it was time for him to trust underage Melanie to be okay on her own and said Melanie left on the plane. Grandma said Trey was around somewhere on campus and took Albert for a walk. Grandma dropped James off at the airport and took Trey and the pig back to her house with her. Melanie was sitting in the terminal seat at the gate because she had missed the flight to DC and blamed James and his drama parenting. James told Melanie that he wanted her to go to Georgetown and they would find a way. There was a USA diving team headed to DC on a private plane, so James flashed his police badge and declared that they had an emergency and he was a diver. They agreed to let James and Melanie board the small plane. However, once in air, the father and daughter discovered that the USA team was not water divers but skydivers and the only way to DC was to skydive out of the plane since the plane wasn’t stopping. James and Melanie strapped themselves together and jumped out of the plane, where they crash-landed on a golf course. They knocked Lily’s dad, Mr. Arcara, into the pond, and he recognized the Porters and was irate that they ruined his daughter’s wedding. James and Melanie took off on Mr. Arcara’s golf cart, but he followed them in another cart and rammed into them. James and Mr. Arcara then fenced with golf clubs like swords and then they drove onto the Georgetown campus and wrecked the Greek Week party and toppled over the Trojan horse. Mr. Arcara crashed his golf cart into another pond as James and Melanie ran into the university with one minute until the interview. Melanie was afraid after one candidate came out of her interview depressed, but James gave his daughter a pep talk and she went into the interview room. Melanie was accepted into Georgetown. Her parents later helped her move into her dorm at Georgetown with supplies from Bed Bath & Beyond. It turned out Wendy had also applied to Georgetown and was accepted and would be Melanie’s next-door dorm neighbor. Melanie and her parents said their goodbyes and planned to see each other at Thanksgiving and left to go back to Illinois. Three months later at the Porter home in Illinois, the Porters, Grandma, the Greenhuts and the O’Mallys got together for Thanksgiving. Melanie and Wendy brought along Tracy, their friend who would be studying abroad with Melanie the next semester. James handled the introduction pretty well after he learned that Tracy was a guy who was dating Melanie. However, Doug was not pleased when his daughter surprised him with her new love, Scooter. Doug tackled Scooter after Wendy announced that she and Scooter were getting married (after three months of dating at the high dollar university that her parents no doubt paid for and barely an adult). This movie had a budget of $25 million and grossed over $51 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Sandie Newton, CBS-TV/Dallas, “Martin Lawrence and Raven-Symoné are a dream comedy team!” Guy Farris, ABC-TV/Sacramento, “A laugh-filled trip the whole family will want to take.”

TRANSAMERICA

  

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/25/25

TITLE:  TRANSAMERICA 

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children. The content is seriously disturbing. In reality Transgender IS a mental illness and HIS real CHRISTians know that truth!) 

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2005 The Weinstein Company / IFC Films / Belladonna Productions 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began in California with a man named Stanley Schupak. Stanley dressed up like a female and went by the transgender name of Sabrina Claire Osbourne. Stanley preferred the nickname of Bree. Stanley took many hormone medications and had already undergone multiple medical procedures to attempt to change his gender, but underneath it all he was still a male. Bree consulted a male psychiatrist and asked him to sign a form that would allow male Bree to undergo permanent gender reassignment surgery, but he informed Bree, who was dressed as a female, that the American Psychiatric Association considered gender dysphoria as being a severe mental illness. Bree went on to explain that his male body part disgusted him, and after this last surgery he would appear to be a woman and not even Bree’s gynecologist would know. Bree pleaded with the male shrink to sign the form, as that would make Bree a happy person. Bree was already very close friends to his female therapist and told a lie to the male shrink that his family was dead. Bree worked as server at Papi’s Mexican restaurant and also as a telemarketer for the National Home Shopping Club using a well practiced female voice and called the long list of targeted names and private phone numbers given to her by her employee. Most of the people hung up on Bree and were not happy to be bothered by a telemarketer caller as it disturbed the peace. Bree then received a call from Toby Wilkins, a juvenile inmate in New York City who claimed to be Stanley’s son, but Stanley didn’t have a son so Bree ended the call. Bree was required to obtain two therapist signatures on the change gender surgical form, and he convinced the male psychiatrist to sign it, knowing his female friend shrink would be the other signature. Bree’s friend, Dr. Margaret then gladly signed the form after arriving at her office with the form already signed by the other shrink. Bree then told Margaret about the caller claiming to be his son. Dr. Margaret questioned how it was possible when Bree claimed to be a virgin, but Bree explained that he lied and wasn’t a virgin and actually had a fling with a female at college and passed it off as a lesbian experience that resulted in a child. Bree wanted to forget about Toby because Toby’s mom was dead and he was about to age out of the system and become an adult. Margaret didn’t want Bree to go through with the surgery and ignore her obligation to help Toby even though Stanley never met Toby. Shrink Margaret held on to the permission surgical form and made Bree go to New York and spend the money saved for the surgery to help Toby out. Bree argued that the hospital had a wait-list of a year if he didn’t do the surgery in a few days as scheduled, but questionable doctor Margaret refused to budge on her decision so Bree stormed out of the Center for Psychological Well-Being. Bree traveled to the New York juvenile facility and told a detention officer that she was a trans parent of Toby. The officer explained that Toby had been arrested for prostitution on the streets multiple times and was possibly a drug addict since they found drugs on his person this last time, and told Bree that Toby’s bail was set at one dollar. Another officer brought Toby to Bree after she paid the dollar to release Toby into her custody and Toby asked if Bree was Jesus the reformer and the officer explained to Bree that they tried to hook the kids up with God inside the facility. Bree told Toby that he was from the church of the potential father and the two left and went to a local restaurant. They then went to Toby’s nasty NYC apartment that had food and dirty clothes everywhere. Bree gave Toby $100 that would hold him over and Bree planned to return to California. Toby said he considered hitchhiking to California to be in the movies. Bree argued that Toby couldn’t cross state lines because he was on probation, but Toby said he would do it anyway and change his name to Stanley like his dad. He showed Bree a picture of his dad and mom, and Bree took a moment and realized that Toby wanted to use the name Stanley for the porn movies that 17-year-old Toby hoped to star in California. Bree called shrink Margaret and lied that Toby was okay without Bree and they would go to Disneyland someday. Margaret called Bree out on lying, so Bree told the truth that he wanted to make up some of the money for his surgery by going back to work in LA early instead helping a teen addict/drug dealer figure out that he knew nothing about. Bree then lied to Toby afterward that Dr. Margaret was a church person who told Bree that helping Toby was the Christian thing to do. Bree decided to drive Toby to Kentucky to reunite with his stepdad who Toby didn’t like since Bree wanted nothing to do with the teen. Outside, Toby took some drugs from his drug dealer teen friend and the two of them convinced Bree to buy a junky old green colored station wagon car that he might be able to sell in California to pay for the trans surgery. Bree refused to let Toby smoke cigarettes in the car and basically told him that having sex with strangers for money and starring in porn films was wrong. Bree and Toby hit the road and shared a motel room with twin beds since the “church” was on a budget. Bree told Toby to put some pajamas on, but he stayed in his underwear. Back in the car, Bree and Toby discussed how the Lord of the Rings was gay. While Toby was asleep in the backseat, Bree stopped in the small Kentucky town of Callicoon where Toby was from. He was upset that she went there, and then an elderly neighbor named Arletty grabbed Toby in a hug and couldn’t believe her baby had come home. She brought Toby and Bree to her house, where they lied to her that Toby was in New York working in the movie industry and Bree was a church missionary. Arletty was an electrologist and decided to work on Bree’s nose hairs since he needed them done. Bree went to find Toby’s stepdad Bobby Jensen a few doors down and brought him to Arletty’s house. Toby had been sexually abused by step-dad Bobby and asked his abusers if Toby’s private parts were what his step dad missed most about his stepson. Bobby punched Toby to the ground, so Toby told Arletty and Bree that step dad Bobby used to like sexually assaulting Toby in the garage. Bobby continued punching and kicking Toby until Arletty knocked Bobby out with a pot. Arletty wanted nothing else to do with Bobby, so she and Bree carried Bobby’s body and put it in his lawn chair outside his house with a beer bottle where he would wake up in a few hours. Bree told Toby it wasn’t Bree’s fault because he didn’t know Toby was abused by his stepdad. Toby camped out in the woods and Arletty brought him breakfast the next morning and informed Bree that Toby planned to hitchhike. Arletty then told Bree that Toby’s mom supposedly killed herself while she was locked in the garage with the car on (perhaps criminal minded husband killed wife and made it look like suicide) and Toby found her when he came home from school one day. Bree picked Toby up in the car and they hit the road, and the teen got out the $5 dollar drugs he took from his New York buddy. Bree tried to take them away, but Toby attacked her so she let him snort the drugs. They stopped at a trading post to get supplies for camping out in the woods that night, and Toby stole a bottle of alcohol. Bree told Toby that natives believed they could communicate with their ancestral world through loons. Toby said that his dad Stanley was part Native American, and Bree questioned where Toby got his bottle so he lied that he already had it. Bree lied that his pills were vitamins and not hormone medicine, and he gave Toby his old stuffed monkey from Bobby’s garage. Back on the road, Bree tried to convince Toby to live in Austin, Texas where he would set him up with a telemarketing job. Toby argued that he was going to California because his dad lived there in a mansion with a pool and his dream was to work at a pet shop and have some kids of his own. They stopped at the Ozark Mountain House in Arkansas, where Toby went to the gift shop and Bree went to the restaurant. A young girl asked Bree if he was a boy or a girl, but an adult told the girl to leave Bree alone. Bree went to the phone booth inside the eatery and cried to shrink Margaret that an eight-year-old knew she was a man and she didn’t like camping out or Toby’s behavior. Toby was outside making out with Taylor, a younger teen girl who he just met. Toby asked Bree to buy him a $10 hat, and she agreed as long as Toby stopped doing drugs. The teen took the deal offered by the adult (no) parental figure and then the teen immediately consumed illegal drugs in the bathroom wearing his new Indian blue hat, and then he stole a hat for Bree to wear that stated he was proud to be a Christian. The shrink Margaret gave Bree the number of Mary Ellen to stay with in Dallas, so she and Toby headed there. Mary Ellen claimed she hid her behavior in public and did whatever she wanted in her own home as she held a private get-together of the gender pride President’s Day weekend Caribbean cruise planning committee at her residence. Toby the underage boy was subjected to the mentally ill behavior of the eight members, most of which were gay or transgender, and included a local Mary Kay representative to PROFIT OFF THE MENTALLY ILL people (like the medical and religious employees and other ungodly beings who convinced and encouraged GOD’s children to switch genders) that Mary Ellen called a “GG.” Bree told Toby that his parents were dead. Toby planned to become a zoologist and go live with his dad when he could. Toby took a turn driving the car. Bree’s hormone pills made him urinate a lot. He was afraid of the rattlesnakes, but he had Toby stop alongside the road to pee. Toby then saw Bree’s male private parts in the rearview mirror when Bree was startled by a coyote and stood up in his dress to finish peeing. Toby gave Bree the silent treatment until they stopped at Sammy’s Wigwam shop in New Mexico. Toby swore at Bree and called him out on having male body parts, so Bree went back to the car humiliated that Toby embarrassed him in front of Sam. Bree told Toby that he had a right to belong to a church even though he was a transgender and there was nothing wrong with his soul because Jesus made Bree that way for a reason and he suffered by changing genders and was reborn like Jesus. Bree and Toby picked up a vegan hippie hitchhiker, who smoked his pot pipe with Toby in the back. They stopped to go swimming in a lake, and Bree explained that Native Americans and Zulus honored transgender people. However, the white men wanted to murder the transgender people when they arrived. The hippie teen agreed that the way the white men treated the natives was f-ed up and the hippie claimed to be a Peyote shaman who needed to ingest large quantities of the peyote drugs. Toby and the hippie stripped down naked and went swimming while Bree watched wearing his Christian hat. The hippie left the water to show Toby and Bree something, but then he stole their car. Donkey Bree left his purse in the car with the hormone pills, and Toby left his dog book with hidden money inside. Their only belongings were the stuffed monkey and the Christian hat, so they walked along the side of the road. Father and son planned to sell the rest of Toby’s drugs for money so they could get to California before Bree’s surgery in two days. They hitchhiked on the back of a truck to a restaurant with some Hispanics. Inside the restaurant, male Bree went to the ladies’ room to freshen up. A Native American man named Calvin thought Bree was a woman, so he bought her a meal and agreed to take her and Toby as far as he was going toward California. A truck driver followed the teen Toby into the men’s bathroom, and then the two went into the back of the man’s big rig truck sleeping part and had oral sex. Toby gave Bree his prostitute money that he earned from having sex with the adult, and his dad assumed that Toby sold the drugs and told hugged him. Toby ate the rest of the hamburger that Bree saved for him, and then the two of them stayed the night at Calvin’s farmhouse since older Calvin wasn’t married but hoped to find a wife someday. Bree missed two doses of his hormone pills so his breasts started shrinking. The trio hit the road, and when Bree left to go to the bathroom Toby tried to tell Calvin there were things he didn’t know about Bree and she was a Jesus freak who wanted to convert Calvin. Calvin liked Bree and wouldn’t mind that. Calvin dropped Bree and Toby off in Phoenix and gave Bree his phone number, and he admitted that he had been in jail more than once. Bree promised to call Calvin if he was ever in New Mexico and did not tell Calvin he wasn’t a female. Calvin wouldn’t let Toby drink alcohol because he was too young but Calvin gave the teen boy a cowboy hat that made him look like a warrior and part native. They were dropped off at Bree’s parents’ house because Bree had lied about them being dead. Bree’s parents, Elizabeth and Murray, rushed their adult son into the house before the neighbors could see him in a dress. Murray hadn’t recognized Bree in woman form, and Elizabeth grabbed Bree’s private parts to see if her son was still a man, which he was. Elizabeth thanked God that he still was, but then she burst into tears at the loss of her Stanley and ran off holding her little black dog, Lucky. Elizabeth later told Bree that he wouldn’t be gender dysphoric if he only went to church when he was younger instead of going to the synagogue with Murray. Bree admitted that Emma Wilkins and Stanley in college got together and the result of that relationship was the delinquent teen outside that Bree’s younger sister still living with her parents, Sydney, was afraid of when she came in. Everyone went outside to greet Bree as their grandson instead of throwing him outside as riff-raff, but Bree cornered them all and explained that he didn’t tell Toby he was Stanley and not to say anything. Toby announced that his mom used to live in Phoenix and he asked Bree what his name was before he became a girl. Bree wouldn’t say, so Toby was dismissed to the bedroom with Lucky. Bree and Sydney talked in the bedroom picking out clothes for Bree, and he explained that he was a transsexual and not a transvestite so he didn’t want to wear a feathery showgirl costume. Bree asked to borrow money from Sydney so he could make it to California for his surgery, but Sydney’s parents watched her like a hawk since she had an addiction problem and was finally sober so she had no money to give Bree. Bree then stole several of Elizabeth’s Premarin estrogen pills because Bree believed his breasts were shrinking after being without his hormone bills. They all then went out to dinner with and Bree wore a pink dress, which Elizabeth wasn’t happy about. Bree asked his parents for $1,000 to get back to LA, and they argued that Bree went to ten years of college and couldn’t make decisions about anything so they couldn’t understand why their son wanted to go back to California so bad when it was messing up his life. Bree argued with Elizabeth and Murray about how Bree tried to kill himself so they tried to have him committed. After the embarrassment inside the restaurant Elizabeth ordered the food to go and they returned home. Bree’s wealthy parents told him he could have their money only if Toby stayed with them, lived in the guesthouse and went to the country club. At the poolside, Bree told Toby that he could live with him or his parents. Bree confirmed that he tried to kill herself by taking half a bottle of Nembutal but then he panicked and called 911. Later that night, Toby went into Bree’s bedroom and sat on the bed next to Bree. Toby kissed Bree on the lips and wanted to do what he was good at and have sex with Bree, but Bree stopped it since he didn’t want that (father and son). Toby then told Bree that he wanted to be with Bree so he would marry her and take her places. He then undressed fully and tried to come onto Bree, but Bree pleaded for Toby to put his robe back on so he did. Bree then told Toby that he was Stanley, so Toby ran out of the room. Bree chased after Toby, so teen Toby punched Bree to the floor and declared that Bree was not his dad. Elizabeth and Sydney comforted Bree. The next morning, Toby stole Elizabeth’s purse and expensive bronco statue and ran away. They called the police, and Bree dressed as a female identified as Toby’s dad and didn’t know Toby’s date of birth. The female officer wrote a report and explained that they might not be able to find Toby if he didn’t want to be found but they would try. Bree headed back to California to the hospital in LA, where shrink Margaret met up with him and gave him the signed form. Stanley went into surgery to become Bree permanently, and the nurse later told Bree that the trans surgery was a success. Shrink Margaret was the only person that went to see Bree and complimented Bree on the Christian hat in her hospital room. Bree explained that she f-ed up and started crying hysterically in Margaret’s arms because she wasn’t as happy as she thought she would be after her surgery due to the new issues to contend with and the pain was unbearable. Bree soon went back to work at the Mexican restaurant, Papi’s kitchen. Meanwhile, teen Toby took the last of his drugs on the California beach and got a job working in porn movies. One scene involved him and another boy in a school classroom acting like they had trouble with subjects and then taking their clothes off to help each other with sex ed. Toby took Viagra onset that his employers gave him and was yelled at by the directors because he wasn’t performing the scene right. Toby showed up at Bree’s California house soon after and announced that he wasn’t forgiving his dad. Bree confirmed that he had the surgery and asked Toby in to show him something. Bree announced that he was going to finish his degree, take up a job as a teacher and move somewhere else. The movie ended with Bree givng Toby his cowboy hat and father dressed as a female and teen son had beers together. This movie had a budget of $1 million and grossed over $15 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Armond White, New York Press, “The most original American movie comedy this year.” Stephen Mooallem, Interview, “Felicity Huffman is incredible. One of the year’s most unforgettable performances.” Pete Hammond, Maxim, “fiercely funny and deeply powerful.” A.O. Scott, The New York Times, “thrilling to watch.” Joe Morgenstern The Wall Street Journal,“TRANSAMERICA will leave you in a state of movie euphoria. It’s hilarious and deeply affecting.”

Fireflies in the Garden

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/23/25

TITLE:  Fireflies in the Garden 

BOX OFFICE RATED: R 17+ in USA or 14+ in Canada  (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Berlin / 2011 USA  Alliance Films / Senator Entertainment Inc. / Kulture Machine / Marco Weber Productions 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began with Charlie Taylor, his wife Lisa and their tween son Michael driving through the small Illinois town of Larkspur to pick up Lisa’s teen sister, Jane Lawrence, at the airport. They were late because Michael supposedly misplaced his glasses. Charlie was mad at him for that and also upset with Michael for putting his hands on the glass window inside the car. Charlie was angry with Lisa too for babying Michael and because Lisa quit her job to help care for Michael who at times appeared special needs. Michael did not test well in school and had low grades. Charlie worked outside the home as a professor at the local University to support his family and hoped to have tenure soon. Irate Charlie pulled over alongside the road and left Michael in the pouring rain to walk the rest of the way home. Michael got out of the car and put on his glasses that had been in his pants pocket the whole time, after his dad sped off with Lisa riding shotgun. Michael then screamed and ran through the fields toward his house. Many years later, Michael was an adult and lived in New York. He still had flashbacks of parts of his childhood that was mentally and physically hurtful, such as the cornfield incident. Michael was now the author of the book Post-It Love Letters that he dedicated to his wife, Kelly Hanson. People recognized him and asked for his autograph. In present day, the Taylors and the Lawrences headed to Lisa’s university graduation, but there was little excitement about it. Michael took a plane from New York back to his hometown in Larkspur, Illinois. He put his wedding ring back on, that he hadn’t been wearing. His younger sister, Ryne, attending University and lived in the dorm verses staying with her parents in town, picked her brother up at the airport. Michael agreed to let his little sister visit him in New York some time since she was interested in getting away from Illinois. Charlie and Lisa were on their way to see Jane and her husband and kids. Charlie was speeding and drove recklessly in the neighborhood. Jane’s and her husband Jimmy’s children, Christopher and Leslie, were outside playing baseball in their yard. Christopher ran out into the middle of the street to retrieve the ball. Charlie wasn’t paying attention so Lisa grabbed the steering wheel and the car swerved to narrowly avoid Christopher and crashed. Aunt Jane called Ryne on her cell phone to tell her about the accident. Upon arrival, Ryne and Michael were informed that Lisa was dead and Charlie was injured and would go by ambulance to the hospital. Ryne was hysterically upset by the death of her mom as Michael sat in the car and noticed the time 11:11 am. He had a flashback after he walked through the field and Charlie and Lisa finally arrived home from the airport with young Jane when he had to wait on the porch steps in the freezing rain because he had no key to the house, thanks to his dad kicking him out of the car.  Lisa had told young Michael that things would get better now that Charlie finished writing his book. Jane was a few years older than Michael and would be staying with them that summer. Jane was rude and refused to eat dinner that night because she was suddenly a vegetarian. Charlie wasn’t pleased, so he instructed Michael to make a list of rules for Jane to follow since there were many of them. He told Jane to read them before she went to the hospital for an unknown condition the next morning. Charlie later approved of the list and complimented Michael on his penmanship. Michael then did as his dad asked and delivered Jane the rules. Jane opened the door in her underwear and complained about the long list and mentioned how everything sucked. Back in present day, Jane and Ryne were at Charlie’s bedside in the hospital. Charlie apologized for Lisa’s death and was alarmed that Michael was making funeral arrangements because he wanted his wife’s funeral to be perfect. Michael overheard because he was at the hospital and sat outside his dad’s room door with his watch going off at 11:11 am again. Michael left and went to his childhood that his parents owned but Jane and her husband and kids lived now. Jimmy was there and he offered his condolences. Leslie and Michael argued about whose house it now was since Michael now lived in New York. Michael then took Christopher to the lake to go fishing to cheer him up. Tween Christopher’s much younger sister, Leslie, followed them there on her bicycle. Christopher was mad for his little sister’s intrusion, so he called her a lesbo and Michael explained it was girl on girl when Leslie asked what lesbo meant. Michael took Jesus’ name in vain and made the siblings promise they wouldn’t tell their mom. Michael and the kids caught fish with cheese and then threw the fish in the water with lit firecrackers inside the fish so the fish would explode as the fish were skipped across the water like rocks. Jane and Ryne arrived at the house and Jane convinced Ryne to stay the night and not spend the night alone in her dorm room. Michael arrived back home with the kids and Leslie had an injury on her left arm after their awful outing with Michael. Leslie and Christopher kept silent about what happened because Michael told the kids to lie to their mom and not tell Jane what happened. Jane treated Leslie’s wound and pried it out of Christopher that Michael took the kids firecracker fishing during a lightning storm (which Jane taught Michael that one summer when they were younger). Michael made up with Jane and he promised that he wouldn’t take her kids firecracker fishing again and he wouldn’t tell them to lie to their mom again. Michael went to a church later that night at 11:11 pm to grieve and cry for the loss of his beloved mom, Lisa, as he hadn’t done that before. The funeral was held in the morning, and Addison Wesley from England working at the same Illinois University as Charlie, introduced himself to Michael. Michael called Addison out on giving Michael’s book a bad review and recited back what the harmful words in the review. Addison said he knew Lisa because he taught her English in his class and she was his top student. Michael went to the roof to smoke cigarettes when his wife, Kelly, showed up at the house from New York. Kelly joined Michael outside on the roof through the bedroom window. Kelly announced that she was finally sober after two months but Michael claimed that her addiction problem still broke up their marriage. That led to Michael and Kelly quickly exiting the roof and in the bedroom having frenzied sex upstairs as downstairs Charlie gave a speech to the many attendees about how Lisa dedicated her life to him and he didn’t understand why because he was unstable in his behavior and often had sudden raging fits. Charlie paused and asked Ryne where Michael was, and she didn’t know. Charlie continued his speech honoring Lisa at 2:22 pm. Jane stifled a laugh behind her tissue at the banging noise coming from upstairs knowing it was caused by the bed knocking against the wall. Charlie then asked for a moment of silence for his dead wife and then everyone burst out laughing because they knew where Michael was and what he was doing with wife Kelly. That night at dinner, Charlie ruined Jane’s tablecloth that she made herself after Charlie spilled his wine and yelled at Michael for being disrespectful by going fishing with the kids and then having sex when visitors were at the house. Charlie then suggested that Michael and Ryne give Lisa’s belongings to Goodwill like Lisa would have wanted. Jimmy and Charlie left. Jimmy had a new job in Cincinnati. Michael thanked Jane for calling Kelly and then Michael helped Jane with the dishes that Lisa always did. Michael insisted that the new book manuscript he wrote was just fiction, but Jane was upset and believed that everyone would know the truth because of what he wrote and Jane didn’t want the truth publicized. Michael didn’t understand what Jane was talking about so Jane didn’t explain it further. Michael then took the kids outside and swat fireflies with tennis rackets in the dark. There was another flashback when Michael was younger. Michael had stood up in front of Charlie’s professor friends one time he had them at the house and read his so called original poem called, “Fireflies in the Garden.” Charlie’s colleagues weren’t impressed, and Charlie didn’t want to be embarrassed so he clapped and they followed suit. Charlie then took Michael alone to the garage, where they sat in the car. Charlie slapped the glasses off Michael’s face and told Michael he must be a Buddhist if he would recite Robert Frost instead of an original poem that Michael said he wrote himself, especially since Charlie had told his coworkers in the English Department that Michael would be reading his own poem. Charlie then made Michael stand and lift paint cans until he was sweating as Charlie honked the horn. Michael broke his glasses when he dropped the paint cans on them. Lisa heard the horn honking and went to the garage. Lisa pounded on the locked door and screamed at Charlie to open it but he couldn’t. When Charlie opened the door, Lisa tried to comfort Michael but he left because he couldn’t understand why Lisa always stuck up for Charlie when he was a horrible father and abusive husband. Michael continued to be disheartened and struggled with his grades. Lisa was pregnant and was sure that it would be a boy. Michael came up with the baby name, Ryne, for the baby boy, who would later be his sister. Teen Jane then went to see Michael and tried to convince him to eat, but he cried that he couldn’t because his arms hurt too much to move them so Jane fed Michael the plate of food Lisa left for Michael earlier, not knowing her son was in such great pain as she was distracted with baby names. Back in the present time, the police showed up at the house and Charlie gave the two local officers his testimony about the accident and admitted that he was driving too fast and arguing with Lisa who didn’t have her seatbelt on because she was putting on her makeup in the car. Charlie swerved and hit the pole when Christopher ran out into the street in front of his fast moving car. The police left after that. Later on, Ryne, Michael and Kelly went through Lisa’s clothes. Ryne checked pockets and searched for the money that Lisa hid from Charlie so he wouldn’t spend it and she could pay the bills. Ryne said nobody knew where Lisa kept the money she hid so everything had to be checked thoroughly (so Ryne could keep her dorm room and continue going to University using her parents money). Michael went to check the closet in his parents’ bedroom, and Ryne advised him not to wake Charlie who was sleeping with the manuscript of Michael’s new book called “Fireflies in the Garden,” at his bedside. Michael found a manila envelope from a law firm to his mom and hid it in his clothing. Charlie woke up and went into the closet with Michael. Charlie told Michael that Lisa kept everything, and then he asked Michael about his new book. Michael told Charlie to just read it if he wanted to know what it was about. Charlie got up to leave but Michael asked his dad why their relationship changed but Charlie had no answer and left. Michael had also discovered in his parents’ closet hidden phone bills with many phone minutes to one number, so Michel called the number and it belonged to the Brit professor Addison Wesley. Michael confronted Addison at the university and asked the man why he was having an affair with his mom, Lisa. They left the campus and went to Michael’s old hangout at the Omega Diner. Addison admitted that he and Lisa were together for three years and he loved her very much and she loved him. Michael showed Addison Wesley the Bradford law firm divorce papers he found in the closet, and hid from Charlie. As it turned out, Lisa had planned to divorce Charlie after she graduated from the University. Michael wanted Addison to know how happy Lisa was with Addison and thanked Wesley for making that happen because it was the most important thing since his mom Lisa had lived with a monster and tolerated Charlie’s abuses for far too many years. Jimmy arrived back home, where he and Jane tried to have Christopher talk to a psychiatrist for help with his depression and anger issues after Lisa’s death. However, Christopher wasn’t interested in talking to a questionable stranger that knew nothing about him or his family and ran off. In another flashback, Jane and Michael sat on the porch and looked at baseball cards. Ryne Sandberg was both Jane and Michael’s favorite baseball player and it was where Michael got the idea for a baby name. Michael gave Jane his collector Ryne Sandberg baseball card. The kids were interrupted when Lisa stormed out of the house arguing with Charlie because he had an affair with one of his bimbo students at the university. Lisa called Charlie out on his cheating behavior that made Charlie feel better since his book writing wasn’t successful and his book didn’t sell and because Charlie didn’t get tenure at the University either. Young Michael threatened to kill Charlie with a baseball bat if he didn’t get away from Lisa, but Charlie took the bat away and went back to Lisa. Michael tackled Charlie and smacked him around on the ground. Lisa pulled Michael off her husband and Michael screamed at Charlie telling his dad that he hated him and wished he were dead. Jane stood by and watched Michael run off. Back in the present, Michael drove his sister’s car back to the house and found Christopher running in the field that he used to run in. Michael caught up with Christopher and explained that Lisa’s death wasn’t Christopher’s fault even though Christopher said that he couldn’t move his feet to get out of the road. Michael explained that too many other factors were involved such as Lisa not wearing a seatbelt, Charlie driving too fast and Jane letting Christopher and Leslie play baseball knowing Jane already told the kids to stop playing since Charlie and Lisa were about to arrive, along with Michael and Ryne. If none of those other things happened Lisa might have survived and they didn’t need a shrink to tell them that. Christopher wanted to walk home, so Michael gave him his cell phone to call Michael if he wanted a ride. Michael walked back to the car he left in the road as he smoked a cigarette in the field. Christopher immediately threw Michael’s cell phone in somewhere in the field and ran off. Christopher didn’t make it home four hours later, so everyone went out to look for him. Michael thought Christopher was old enough to be on his own, but Jane was furious and called Michael a human sh** trail because everything he did turned to crap and he should put that in his tell all book masked as fiction. Charlie, Michael and Leslie stayed home. Charlie went to the bathroom and cried. In another flashback, Charlie had a talk with pregnant Lisa and then Charlie went to his young son’s bedroom and told Michael that he would try to change for the better because he wore the wounds on his face from his son’s pounding earlier that day. In real time, Michael sat with Leslie on the couch and told her that he would always remember his mom and be reminded how much he loved her when the numbers 11:11, 2:22 and 3:33 and so on lined up on his watch. Michael said he remembered his mom that way since Lisa didn’t like to take photos of herself much. Charlie overheard and took little Leslie away from Michael by having her help him up the stairs since he had his leg in a cast and Charlie didn’t want Michael’s help even though his adult weight would support him better than a little girl. Michael went out on the porch to smoke and found pieces of paper in the pocket of his jacket. This was the same jacket Michael gave to Christopher to wear at the funeral. Christopher put shredded pieces of paper in the jacket pocket that may have been the newspaper article of Lisa’s death that Christopher found when he sat in the car alone away from the others at Lisa’s funeral. Michael figured out Christopher would be at the cemetery so Michael called Jane on Charlie’s cell phone (Charlie left the cell phone with Leslie when Charlie went to the bathroom and left Leslie in charge). Jane and Kelly, were together looking for the Christopher. Kelly announced that she was two months pregnant and hadn’t told Michael yet, and Jane told Kelly she better not hurt Michael. Meanwhile, Charlie took Leslie to the attic and gave her Lisa’s old video camera. Everyone out looking met up at Lisa’s grave in the cemetery where they found Michael with Christopher. They all returned to the house and watched home videos of the family in years past such as Michael’s birthday party that summer teen Jane had spent with them. Soon after, Michael burned his mom’s divorce papers and his unpublished manuscript in the fireplace. Michael and Kelly were headed back to New York but announced Kelly’s pregnancy before they left. Michael made amends with Charlie and told him that he wouldn’t be publishing the book he wrote. Instead, father and son shook hands and Michael promised to return for a visit soon. Ryne drove Michael and Kelly to the airport, and they discussed names for the new baby on the way. It would be Sadie for a girl. Michael suggested Max for a boy, which his mom would have liked because Lisa had picked it out when she was pregnant with Ryne but Michael joked that it was too much like maxi pad. This movie had a budget of $8 million and grossed over $3 million at the box office. The movie cover after listed, Ryan McLelland, Ain’t It Cool News, “An emotional powerhouse.” The young kids and the adults swore the f-word frequently in the film.

Grand Champion

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/17/25

TITLE:  Grand Champion 

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2002 American Family Movies / Hannover House / Rope The Moon / Madrugada Ranch Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began on a rural Snyder, Texas farm owned by Hallie Keen. Hallie and her two young children, Buddy Tom and Sister, remained living there after Hallie’s husband died. Alfred Goggins was the local vet and he delivered a calf at Hallie’s. Buddy named him Hokey and planned to show him at the fairs. Younger sister liked the Hokey Pokie name. Hokey’s mom (cow) died during the delivery. Buddy and Sister’s friend, Edgar, and Edgar’s mom, Dorthea, came over and made plans for the kids to have a sleepover. Dr. Alfred was romantically interested in Hallie, and Sister was okay with it but Buddy didn’t like the vet man because Buddy missed his dad who was in heaven, now with the cow too. With Hallie’s approval, Alfred put Hokey in a playpen in the farmhouse kitchen. Tween Buddy yelled at the vet for taking over his job and was really disrespectful. Alfred and Hallie made plans for a future date. That night, Buddy and Sister said their prayers in their shared bedroom to Jesus. Although Sister had her own twin bed, she slept in Buddy’s twin bed with him. Over the next few weeks, the siblings and Edgar spent their time bottle-feeding Hokey, bathing him and training him to show. Hokey got too big to stay in the house and was moved to the barn where he grew into a medium steer. Buddy drove the classic truck around the property with Sister between his legs pushing the pedals and Edgar sat on the tailgate holding Hokey who was walking the whole way. Buddy’s competitor, richy rich family son John Lee Bloomer, and his steer, Rascal, drove past and were headed to the fair. John Lee had an adult driving him, hired hand Pete in a new truck and expensive trailer. Soon after the encounter, Buddy said something Sister didn’t like so Sister insisted that she could drive, so she floored it and the kids recklessly drove around the field. Edgar lost hold of Hokey and held on for dear life in the back as Buddy and Sister drove in circles out of control. Hallie ended up driving the kids to the fair with Buddy in the back of the truck. Frank Bloomer, who had already tried to buy the family’s farm from Hallie previously knowing the widow had money problems, then tried to buy Hokey from Hallie so that the steer couldn’t go on to the state championship in case Hokey won and took first prize. Hallie refused to sell Hokey because no two or four-legged member of her family was for sale and told Frank as much. Questionable Fiona, a DJ from the KMOO radio station, did the announcing for the kids’ county junior steers’ competition and the other animals as well. As they paraded their steers around the ring, Fiona explained the certain criteria that the judges had for picking out bulls and it was no different than ladies picking out their men. Fiona tastelessly rambled about how she met her husband at Walmart and they now had three kids but only two of them were her husband’s. As it turned out, Buddy Keen and Hokey won second place and would move on to the 2001 Big Texas state championship, as would the first-place winners John Lee Bloomer and his steer Rascal. At the market, Hallie couldn’t pay for groceries because her previous check bounced and the store clerk told her they couldn’t accept anymore. Albert was also in line behind Hallie a few customers back and then signaled to the clerk that he would pay Hallie’s bill. Hallie did not notice any of this so when the clerk told her to go ahead and write her check, Hallie did so and left the store with her items. Albert caught up to Hallie in the parking lot and gave Hallie a few newspapers Hallie read at the counter she couldn’t afford that had Buddy’s picture on the front page for Hallie to keep or give to her loved ones. Albert offered to take time off from vet work to help Hallie and the kids prepare Hokey for the state championship. Hallie turned him down and told him she had to do it on her own. She did however, invite the doctor to help her and the kids collect soda cans for recycling and money. She also held a bake sale and did a karaoke car wash to earn the money they would need for the show. However, they came up $80 short the day before the show so they weren’t sure they would be able to go. The next morning, they discovered that someone dropped off hundreds of more soda cans so they were able to afford the trip. There was a pep rally at the local school to celebrate Buddy and Hokey going to the championship, and Sister led the cheerleaders in her tiger cheerleader outfit. Edgar left early and stowed away in the back of Hallie’s truck under the hay where Hokey was standing. Hallie and the kids had to drive over 168 miles to Big Texas from Synder. Edgar was soon discovered as he had his video camera and Hallie saw him filming in the back. She pulled over to the roadside and put Edgar in the front with the other two kids and her. Just as they arrived in the Big Texas city, Hallie’s old green truck broke down and Hallie pulled over. A limo with a Yee-Haw license plate pulled up, and Mr. Blandford in the back told his driver to a call a wrecker to help Hallie and the kids. The paid wrecker worker by the wealthy man took them all to the fairground where Hallie and the three kids all camped out in the back of the truck under a tarp. Sister made a drawing for Buddy and put it in his red show shirt pocket to lift her brother’s spirits. The next day, the Bloomer family’s hired hand, Pete, did all the work for Rascal (not John Lee) while Buddy, Edgar and Sister got Hokey ready by themselves. Buddy’s late dad had been grand champion at that show years before. The judge chose John Lee and Buddy as the finalists. As always, Sister booed and made faces at John Lee. Sister then got the crowd involved and before a winner was named she did a Hokey cheer. The two boys and their steers faced off, and the judge soon announced Buddy and Hokey as the Grand Champion. Pete was upset so he left with the champagne that Frank and his wife Mitzi had planned to celebrate John Lee’s victory with. Mitzi stormed off telling Frank that he should have bought Hokey. The announcer declared that George Strait would soon arrive. Hallie made her way to the ring with her son but stopped and reassured John Lee that he did well, knowing his parents would not. Sister always wanting to perform for an audience then took the microphone on stage and started singing the Hokey Pokey. George Strait joined her on stage and Sister and him then danced and sang the Hokey Pokey together. Connie Shure with News USA interviewed Buddy and told him that last year’s champion steer sold for $400,000. Buddy didn’t know if he would use the money for college. Mr. Blandford was a rich tycoon, and he watched the show and was interested in the steer so he told his secretary to buy Hokey at auction. George Strait walked through the event tent among the people and spoke to Buddy. Buddy asked George to marry Hallie once he figured out who George was. George replied that he had a hard enough time with his wife and didn’t need two wives, but then gave Buddy advice to keep looking for a husband for his mom because there were many out there and the boy just needed to keep asking. George and Buddy shook hands and George walked away. Sister, wearing her short skirt and top cheerleading outfit that showed her belly when she raised her arms, then waved goodbye after George and called him honey baby and sweetie pie. Sister then participated in the mutton-busting competition riding sheep in her cheerleading outfit. Later on, Hallie left the choice up to Buddy whether or not to sell Hokey knowing that she could hardly pay the bills and feed her children. Buddy decided that selling Hokey would make him a father figure, and Hallie told him not to think about taking his dad’s place. However, Buddy made up his mind. Buddy slept with Hokey in his stall that night and told the steer he was sorry and loved him. The next day at the auction, Buddy went alone with Hokey to the auction area. Blandford International bought Hokey for a record $775,000 and Buddy was very sad and moped his way back to Hallie and the other kids packing up. Sister thanked Buddy for getting money to send them to college, and the tween brother replied that he was being the daddy and taking care of them like he said he would. A little while later, as the young kids roamed about the fairgrounds alone again, a group of boys came over so Buddy told Sister to leave because she was only nine and shouldn’t see what the boys had or hear what they were saying. They then showed Buddy a finger in a matchbox and claimed that they found it after the mutton races, and then they convinced Buddy that Hokey would be barbecued and eaten. Buddy was upset so he made plans with Edgar to steal Hokey. The boys used the finger matchbox trick on the dopey security guard to get rid of him. He believed the finger was real and ran off with the empty matchbox while the two boys got Hokey. The Blandford driver arrived and asked Edgar, who was holding Hokey the steer where Hokey was but Edgar lied that he didn’t know where Hokey was. Buddy had run off and told Sister that he and Edgar were kidnapping Hokey and they would meet Sister and Hallie at home almost two hundred miles away. The boys and Hokey made their exit through the barbecue tent. The driver of a Blandford trailer unloaded some horses, so Buddy and Edgar hid in the trailer with Hokey. The driver later left knowing nothing about the stowaways and thought he had an empty trailer. Later that night, Hallie washed cotton candy out of Sister’s hair when the two met back up again. It was then that Sister told Hallie that the boys left with Hokey. Hallie was not pleased, so the police started a search. Connie reported about Hokey’s kidnapping, and Frank heard and was happy to hear that the runner-up (John Lee and Rascal) would be crowned Grand Champion if Hokey and the boys didn’t return soon. Mitzi told Frank to make sure Hokey didn’t make it back, so Frank sent Pete to kill off Hokey. Buddy, Edgar and Hokey found a cave in the woods and spent the night there. Meanwhile, Frank put up wanted posters offering a $10,000 reward for Hokey dead or alive, and Hallie was livid and ripped the flyers down and then gave Frank the gold trophy and angrily told him to call off the hunt because she didn’t want her son or his friend dead. Hokey wandered off in the night and in the morning the boys found the steer in an abandoned ghost town, where two men, Gus and Skeet, promised to help them instead of turning them in. Pete appeared in his truck and trailer, so at the instruction of the adults, the boys put Hokey in the barn and locked themselves in the jail. Gus, Skeet and a few other cowboys rounded up some cattle and drove them through the dirt where Pete walked around the deserted buildings. Buddy, on the back of Hokey, then plowed over Pete again and then Edgar on foot knocked into Pete. The two boys and Hokey escaped with the cowboys. Back in Big Texas, reporter Camille Johnson and her live cameraman harassed Hallie. Hallie told everyone watching live that she wanted her son home safely and told her young son if he watched to keep his wits about him. Hallie decided to drive back home and once inside her old truck asked Sister to drive them home. A search party traced the boys’ steps from the cave. Hired gun Pete planned to meet Frank at the airport with the horses as Pete continued trailing the boys and Hokey. The boys and the steer then hitched a ride on the train line that Mr. Blandford owned, and the multi millionaire tycoon got wind of it. Connie interviewed the cowboys on live TV, and they claimed that a spaceship took the boys and the steer away. Mr. Blandford kept up with the reports and laughed as a cowboy claimed that one of the little aliens with a sombrero said something about going to Mexico. Mr. Blandford showed his secretary a picture of him as a boy in 1960 with his prize steer Poncho, so he could understand the bond between Buddy and Hokey. Frank arrived at the small airport in his Citation X private jet. Pete picked Frank up at the airport and they left in the truck with the horses inside the trailer to look for the missing tween boys and Hokey. The boys soon came across a group of young unsupervised Girl Scouts by the rivers’ edge. The tween girls took the boys and Hokey across on their raft. Frank and Pete knew they were on the right track when they found cow poop. Frank insisted that Pete stick his fingers in the poop to check if it was fresh and it was. The sheriff search party caught up to the boys, so Edgar turned himself in as a distraction while Buddy and Hokey headed home. Alfred, who seemed to be waiting for them, found buddy and Hokey. Alfred loaded Hokey in the back of his pickup truck, and Hokey lay down under a covering. Buddy rode in the cab and soon they encountered a police roadblock. Dr. Alfred got them through by lying to the Texas Ranger that he was hauling fruits and vegetables and mentioned his grandma. Frank and Pete spotted them ahead so they drove reckless around the roadblock and police vehicles and chased after Alfred’s truck. Both drove irresponsibly and fast on the back roads. Frank and Pete blew a tire, so they got off on horseback. Alfred stopped his truck a ways ahead and then sent Buddy riding Hokey over the hill to his mom’s house while Alfred shoved Frank off his horse and then galloped off after Pete on his horse. The Rangers caught up with and then arrested Frank. Alfred was able to lasso Pete onto the ground and tie him up as he would a calf in a competition. Buddy and Hokey made it back to the farm house, where Hallie, Sister and a crowd of Hokey’s fans were waiting for them. Almost instantly, Mr. Blandford arrived in his private helicopter and told Buddy’s family that he goes by Poncho, the name of the steer he auctioned off and regretted when he was a boy. Mr. Blandford then told Hallie they could keep all of the money (almost 1 million dollars) and they could keep Hokey too. Mr. Blandford and his faithful female assistant then left in the scene in his helicopter. Alfred walked over to Hallie and she Hallie kissed him passionately. The three kids then pretended to hug and kiss someone too. Hallie, Alfred, and the kids along with Hokey then walked off into the sunset. This movie grossed over $54,000 at the box office. The movie cover art listed, The Associated Press, “A delightful roundup for the entire family, featuring superstars Julia Roberts, Bruce Willis and George Strait.” Hollywood.com, “A great, feel-good movie.” Ft. Worth Star telegram, “If Walt Disney has hailed from Texas, he would have made ‘Grand Champion’!”

The Canterville Ghost

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/14/25

TITLE:  The Canterville Ghost 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2023 Shout! Studios/Align/CMG/Space Age Films/Sprout Pictures/Toonz Media Group/Melmouth Films/Signature Entertainment  - UK

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie took place in England. It started with Lord Monroe and his teddy bear, Mr. Tibbs, being terrorized by the resident evil ghost, Sir Simon de Canterville, at Monroe’s estate called Canterville Chase. The manor was soon after up for sale, and the American Otis family from Boston thought nothing of the haunting and bought the country house in hopes of hobnobbing with the royals. Hiram and his blue-haired wife, Lucretia, along with their three kids (Virginia, Kent and Louis) moved in. The twin boys wore K and L initial sweaters so they could be identified while Virginia wore her blue sweater with the words Ivy. Science lover Hiram had big plans for entertaining The Royal Society who he had already invited to his new England residence while in Boston. The housekeeper already at the estate, Mrs. Umney, informed the Otis family upon their arrival that Monroe’s estate was sold after Monroe was committed to an asylum where he screamed day and night. Monroe was just another in the long line of the estate owners over the past 300 years who went crazy and left because of Simon’s ghost haunting them. A book about the history of Canterville Chase flew off the bookshelf into eldest teenage Virginia’s hands, and she threw the book hard at her little brothers’ heads for misbehaving which garnered praise from her dad. Virginia was upset about moving to England and hated it there. She started reading the Canterville history book, and later that night the elderly Simon ghost appeared in Virginia’s room dragging chains. She wasn’t scared of him and gave him a fortnight (two weeks) to scare her family off the estate in hopes of returning to America. Simon was confident that he could until he appeared in Hiram and Lucretia’s bedroom. They weren’t scared of him either and thought it was inappropriate for him to be there, so they sent him on his way with lubricant for his chain marks and a tincture for his cough. Kent and Louis were excited to finally see Simon’s ghost and kicked his head around like a football. Virginia went out horseback riding in the English countryside recklessly jumping over fences and encountered an elder teen male, possibly adult man named Henry. He was stuck riding backwards on a runaway horse named Excelsior that was headed right for a cliff edge, so Virginia jumped on the horse with him, straddled Henry in the saddle and was able to stop Excelsior just in time before they fell off the cliff to their death. Excelsior then ran off, so Virginia gave Henry a ride to Canterville. He explained that he was the Duke of Cheshire and his family used to own Canterville. Virginia decided to explore the garden, but the gate was locked so she climbed on top of the wall by using the duke’s head as a stepping-stone. The gardener on the other side cut a rose, and then Virginia felt like she was being choked and fell backwards off the wall. Henry caught her and went to get her tea even though she argued that Americans didn’t drink tea. The black crow that had knocked Henry off the horse he rode double with Virginia in front of him then led Virginia to the lake, where she spotted a gold locket underwater. The gardener appeared and scared Virginia, and she fell into the water. Virginia retrieved the locket and got her foot tangled in seaweed, but Henry dove in and rescued her before she drowned. He brought her back to her house, where Mrs. Umney said there hadn’t been a gardener there for decades. Virginia opened the locket to find a picture of Simon and a woman inside. Mrs. Umney explained that it was Simon’s wife, Lady Eleanor. Mrs. Umney said the rumor was that Simon drowned Eleanor in the lake and was forever cursed to haunt Canterville until the prophecy was fulfilled, but it was hidden on the grounds so nobody knew what it was. The twins told on Virginia for her escapade with the strange man and wanted their mom to punish the eldest sister but Lucretia slammed the door in the faces of the twins once she learned she had a royal in her home. Lucretia was excited to learn that Henry was a duke so Virginia dismissed Henry from the house and he walked 14 miles back home since his horse ran off. Simon tried to scare Hiram in his science lab, but Hiram was unimpressed and Simon got electrocuted by one of Hiram’s devices. Later on in her chambers, Virginia accused Simon of murdering Eleanor, but he argued that he didn’t and cried for his dead wife. Virginia claimed that she never cried, and then Simon told his tragic love story. Simon said he was an actor in his younger years and used to rehearse in the garden with Eleanor, who stood on the rickety bridge until it broke and she fell into the water. Simon got caught on a rosebush and freed himself and then tried to save Eleanor, but he couldn’t find her in the dark water and she drowned. Virginia decided to cheer Simon up by taking him for a reckless drive in her parents’ car around the estate. Simon was already dead, so he encouraged Virginia to go faster dodging the trees around the estate. Virginia wanted to have Simon scare everyone in the village, but he couldn’t leave the estate since he was cursed to haunt it every day. The crow appeared again, but Simon chased it away with his sword. Virginia demanded to know about the garden, the golden child and the barren almond tree bearing fruit but Simon refused to tell her anything. The Reverend Chasuble and his eccentric green-haired wife Algernean Van Finchley visited Canterville because Algernean planned to hunt down Simon’s ghost since ghost-catching was her profession according to her business card. Virginia and Simon conspired to scare the Reverend and his wife away. Food was shoved food into Algernean’s mouth and Simon threw knives at the Reverend’s head. Simon ended his performance by throwing the Reverend and his wife out the door. Hiram and Lucretia then told their delinquent eldest daughter that they would never leave Canterville despite the staged hauntings. Virginia didn’t plan on going to the upcoming banquet her parents planned in their home and declared that Henry wasn’t her boyfriend even though her parents were trying to marry her off to a royal. The bratty twins dressed up as Lord Pumpkin of the Underworld to scare Simon, so he gave up trying to scare the family since nobody was afraid of him. Three weeks later, Virginia enlisted Henry’s help to fertilize the barren almond tree with manure on the estate in hopes that it would bear fruit. The pictures in Virginia’s Canterville history book continually changed magically and the latest photo depicted her in front of the garden’s open gates, which were currently locked. Simon was furious when he learned that Henry was the Duke of Cheshire, so Simon chased Henry off the property with his sword and threatened him if he ever returned. Virginia was upset and stormed off and took it out on her parents by being rude to them as she walked by. Hiram suspected that Simon was behind his daughter’s strange mood swings, so he had a talk with Simon and instructed ghost Simon not to scare anyone at the banquet that night. Virginia had to wear a dress and was hesitant about joining the noble guests, so when Henry showed up he repaid her for saving him from Simon by saving her from English high society, which the duke said was scarier than ghosts. Henry pointed out the faults in each of the royals as he walked Virginia about the rooms. Hiram at the dining table then showed everyone that he installed electricity in the house, but then the lights went out and the boys appeared dressed up as Lord Pumpkin on the upper story. Things quickly escalated when more strange things happened thanks to Simon, who discovered that Henry was back and in attendance so Simon decided to crash the party. Simon blamed the bloody Americans for invading his English manor and shattered all the light bulbs in the dining room so shards of glass rained down on everyone. The guests panicked and hurried out as Simon set fire to the inside of the house. The flames trapped the twins upstairs, so they jumped over the railing and were caught by Virginia and Henry as their parents were not around. Everyone ran outside to safety, except for Henry who was trapped when the chandelier collapsed on top of him. Virginia ran back inside the burning building to save the duke, but she couldn’t because the chandelier was too heavy. The door to the outside was then blocked by flaming debris. Simon couldn’t stand to see lovely Virginia caught up in the fiery flames so he decided to lift the chandelier off Henry and put out the flames by consuming the fire back to himself. Simon then asked Virginia for her forgiveness but she glared at him angrily and helped Henry outside. Henry announced to Virginia and her parents that he wouldn’t be coming back because Simon only caused catastrophic mayhem when the duke was around. Algernean plotted to capture Simon inside a capsule using a ray gun and then do experiments on him. Algernean and Virginia’s parents searched the house for Simon. Virginia enlisted her twin brothers’ help to distract her parents so she could escape their presence. The boys led the ghost hunters on a wild goose chase around the house after they stole the tracking device from Algernean. Algernean ended up zapping Mrs. Umney with the ray gun. The boys tried to lock Algernean and their parents into a room but failed. Virginia searched for Simon and found him in a prison cell inside a passageway wall. He explained that Eleanor was also a Cheshire and it was her evil uncle the Duke who falsely accused Simon of murdering his wife so the Duke could steal Canterville away from Simon. The Duke rigged the bridge to collapse in hopes that Simon would be the one to die, but Eleanor happened to be on the bridge and died instead. That led the crazed Duke to lie and cover up what the Duke had done and then accuse Simon of killing Eleanor. The Duke took matters into his own hands and chained Simon up in the cell where he eventually died and Simon’s skeleton was still there. Algernean then broke through the wall and tried to zap Simon, but Virginia deflected the ray back onto Algernean while Virginia and Simon fled. Virginia’s parents believed that Simon captured their daughter as they watched from an upstairs window of the two running toward the garden gate below on the estate grounds. Virginia had seen a picture in Simon’s cell had the garden gate with an inscription hanging beside it. Virginia reached the gate and underneath the ivy leaves Virginia found the inscription. She read it out loud and then the gates opened. Outside the open gates, Simon explained that the prophecy dictated that Simon’s spirit could only be set free if an innocent girl like Virginia went into the garden with him and asked the Grand Old Man to forgive Simon. He didn’t want Virginia to go, but she insisted she wanted to help him be with his wife eternally so they entered the garden. Meanwhile, Henry was riding on horseback to see Virginia during that late hour and prepared to profess his love to her. Virginia’s family and Algernean found Virginia’s lifeless body outside the now closed gates, since only her spirit went inside the garden. Virginia and Simon met up with the gardener, who revealed that it was the Garden of Death and he was the Grim Reaper. Virginia asked the Reaper to set Simon’s soul free so he could be reunited with Eleanor, and the Reaper agreed. However, the Reaper declared that Virginia would now die too and she could never leave the garden. Simon had not told Virginia all the details and she didn’t want to die so young. Simon then challenged the Reaper to a swordfight with the condition that Simon and Virginia would both be free if Simon won. Otherwise, Virginia would die and Simon would be trapped in the garden forever instead of going to heaven to be with Eleanor. Outside the gates, Algernean and Virginia’s parents with the young twin boys watching tried to use the ray gun like a defibrillator to put Virginia’s spirit back in her body. Hiram was convinced that science could accomplish the task, but it did nothing but cause further harm to the body of the teen girl so Lucretia stopped her husband. Meanwhile, Simon and the Reaper fought until the Reaper transformed into a giant beast that was stronger than Simon. Virginia had been tied up in vines, but she freed herself with the dropped sword and took up the fight with the Reaper. She cut off the Reaper’s arm, but that did little to stop the mad being. Upon arrival, Henry saw his love’s dead body and so he read the inscription. Nobody seemed to notice the duke’s arrival or his now drop dead body outside the gates where the duke’s spirit was inside the garden with Virginia. The duke challenged the Reaper and showed off his own fencing skills he had learned from his days at Eton (Berkshire), in lieu of the duke’s usually dandy personality. Henry took a moment and professed his love for Virginia to her, and then Simon cut off the Reaper’s head and defeated him when Virginia threw Simon the sword. The Reaper returned but this time disguised himself as Eleanor’s uncle the old Duke, and battled Simon with swords and tried to push him off the bridge that killed Eleanor. The old Duke then took on the appearance of female Eleanor to try and trick Simon, but his trans disguise didn’t fool Simon. Both Simon and the old Duke stabbed each other in the heart with their swords, and then the Duke changed back to the Reaper. He declared a draw and advised that Virginia and Henry could leave the garden alive but Simon had to stay for eternity. He turned into stone, and the Reaper returned Virginia and Henry’s spirits to their bodies. They and Virginia’s family returned to the garden, where the prophecy was fulfilled when Virginia cried tears for Simon and the barren almond tree began to bear fruit. Simon was returned to his ghost self and reunited with ghost Eleanor. Hiram quoted Hamlet, and Simon thought there was hope for the scientist yet. The Reaper added Simon’s name to Eleanor’s gravestone. In the end, Virginia and Henry were soon married and left the parents behind in a small Wright flyer type airplane they drove after the wedding ceremony.

Gulliver's Travels

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/13/25

TITLE: Gulliver’s Travels 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 20th Century Fox / Davis Entertainment Company / Dune Entertainment / Ingenious Media / Big Screen Productions / Phoenix Film Partners 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in New York City. It began with Lemuel Gulliver, an immature mailroom worker at The New York Tribune, training new employee Dan Quint to work in the mailroom. Dan instantly recognized that Gulliver had a crush on Darcy Silverman, the travel editor, but Gulliver never had the courage to ask her out. Later that day as Gulliver played Guitar Hero in his mailroom office, just hired Dan informed Gulliver that he had been promoted that same day to head of the mailroom and he was Gulliver’s new boss. He gave Gulliver some manager-subordinate advise to face the fact that Gulliver had worked in the mailroom for ten years and would never amount to anything more and would be stuck at the bottom of the company as a mail delivery guy. Before leaving work, Gulliver went to see Darcy on his way out and lied that to her that he traveled often, so he ended up applying for a travel writing assignment position she had on her desk. He titled his work “Gulliver’s Travels” and had stayed up all night trying to write something to impress his work crush Darcy, but he couldn’t so he got the idea to plagiarize a travel report by copying from online articles and books he had in his apartment. Gulliver turned the report in to Darcy the next morning, who was impressed and thought the report sounded like it came from Time Out and travel books (which it did because he copied the material). Darcy asked Gulliver to go on an undercover all-expenses-paid trip to Bermuda for three weeks to write a story about a man who claimed to know the secret behind the Bermuda Triangle. Darcy said she often got seasick and was relived she didn’t have to go. Gulliver agreed and flew to Bermuda on the company, where his contact, Hank, hooked him up with a boat called Knotfersail. It featured a GPS system that Hank claimed would lead Gulliver to the Bermuda Triangle and then take him back to the island dock at the push of a button once he made it to his Bermuda Triangle destination. A few Coke drinks and many hours later, Gulliver in his red colored Rucker Park Basketball t-shirt woke up to discover that he was in the Triangle and the GPS had malfunctioned. He suddenly encountered a violent stormy sea, so he suited up in floaters and tried to dial 911 on his cell phone but instead got no phone connection. A massive vortex of water then swallowed up Gulliver and the boat. Gulliver awoke on an island called Lilliput that was inhabited by super tiny humans. General Edward Edwardian of the blue army of Lilliput believed that Gulliver was a giant in alliance with their enemies, the red army Blefuscians, so the Lilliputians restrained Gulliver. He broke free, so Edwardian speared Gulliver in the foot while riding his super mini horse and then the soldiers used grappling hooks to grab Gulliver by the clothing. They ended up pulling his pants down to reveal Gulliver’s bare butt crack, and then he passed out. He was carried on a platform to the royal palace in the city center, where he was brought before King Theodore, Queen Isabelle and their daughter Princess Mary. Edward deemed Gulliver a spy, so he was put in the cliff-side sea cave dungeon his wrists and ankles were bound in metal shackles. He soon met the only other prisoner in the prison, Horatio, a Lilluptian who was the tallest tiny man in the kingdom. Jealous Edward imprisoned Horatio after Edward looked wrong at Edward’s fiancée, Princess Mary. Horatio didn’t believe he could ever marry the princess because he was a commoner and would have to do a valiant deed for the king to recognize him and make him worry of marrying into royalty. Edward, now in the cave prison, overheard Gulliver call him a lame a**, so Gulliver convinced Edward that in his world lame a** meant Edward was a courageous, lion-hearted man. Edward believed it and then assigned Gulliver to hard slave labor plowing the fields. Meanwhile, the Blefuscian army snuck into the city and set fire to the palace as a distraction so they could kidnap princess Mary. Edward insisted that he be the one to save Mary, but he wouldn’t get there in time so Horatio set Gulliver free and told Gulliver to save the princess. Gulliver rescued princess Mary, and they and Horatio realized from the bell warning system that King Theodore was trapped in the burning palace with his servant Jinks. The trio went to save them, but they had no access to water so Gulliver pulled his pants down in front of the entire kingdom occupants and peed on the palace to put out the fire. Theodore and Jinks were covered in urine. Afterward, Gulliver turned around and behind him peed on Edward too and told him it smelled bad because Edward made him drink the sewer water in the dungeon. King Theodore declared the Gulliver beast their savior and everyone praised him, much to Edward’s dismay. King Theodore later invited Gulliver to a royal banquet, but he refused to go unless Horatio was released from prison and went with him so the king agreed. The dinner featured an ice sculpture of Gulliver peeing into the drink glasses. Gulliver convinced everyone that back in his world, he was the president of the democracy where he came from, and the little minds including royals all believed him, except Edward. The Lilliputians were indebted to Gulliver and boasted about their building skills, so the king had his people build Gulliver a Gulliver-sized seaside modern mansion to stay in until his boat was found and he could return home. Gulliver entertained everyone at the theater he had the little people build with stories about Star Wars and the Titanic acted out by Prince August. The royals were too caught up in the theatrics and entertainment to be disturbed by Edward’s daily military training that had never been missed in 300 years. Horatio asked Gulliver for dating advice, so Gulliver told Horatio some romantic lines that he repeated to Mary to woo her. Horatio then recited Taylor Graves’ “Kiss,” lyrics and princess Mary was impressed. She returned to her chambers, where Edward was waiting for her and bragged about capturing a hawk with his bare hands and then made Mary say that he was her one true love. Edward and his army then found Gulliver’s boat in pieces but he was convinced they could fix it. Gulliver’s cell phone was also recovered, and he listened to angry voicemails from Darcy who discovered that he lied to her and copied his report. Darcy planned to travel to Bermuda to write the story herself and was mad and told Gulliver it was his fault. Gulliver and princess Mary then had a heart-to-heart. Gulliver told the princess that Vice President Yoda was handling things at the White House in President Gulliver’s absence, and princess Mary explained that she was in love with Horatio but she could do nothing because she was promised to Edward and Horatio was not courageous. Meanwhile, king Theodore decided to get rid of the fancy “eths” after each word and assigned Gulliver to take over the army while Edward had a timeout because the military leader Edward was acting a bit crazed of late. Gulliver called Edward his Vice General, and Edward was upset and said he would rather take orders from a woman. Edward then took revenge on the kingdom by turning off the island’s defense mechanisms, and the Blefuscians were watching and prepared an attack. The red armada surrounded the blue city so Gulliver waded out to talk the Blefuscians and convince them to play along with him so nobody would get hurt. However, the enemy ignored Gulliver and attacked him with cannonballs that landed in his skin. He popped them back out and the cannons bombarded the ships. The red Blefuscians were defeated, and Gulliver fist-bumped all the blue soldiers. Gulliver was treated to the sweet life with massages, rocking out with a Kiss band he put together wearing the famed makeup, and having the Lilliputians build him a mini Manhattan with Gulliver T-shirts for sale and pictures of himself on every billboard advertising for Gulee, Gulvin Kline, Gavatar, Gully Elliot, Gulpertone, G Pad, Gull Did It and Gulex among others. He cleaned up with a haircut and was given a blue general uniform, although he was convinced that the red Blefuscians would never come back so he didn’t care to train the blue army. Gulliver gave Horatio more advice to hit on princess Mary with using smooth-talk and compliments. Edward barged into princess Mary’s private chambers again that night. He drank and insisted that they would get married, but princess Mary was unsure and the only thing Edward loved about her was her breasts. Mary seemed to have broke off the engagement, and Edward threatened her and stormed out. Edward went to see the red Blefuscian army and recruited them to help him build a robot (from Gulliver’s transformer magazine) so they could destroy Gulliver and gain control of Lilliput because Edward believed that the beast ruined the kingdom. Horatio followed Gulliver’s advice and told Mary that he had many ladies and might not be available to go to the ball with her, and she was upset and slapped him before leaving him sitting alone. Five bells then rang and everyone panicked. Edward appeared controlling a giant Transformers robot from the cockpit. He challenged Gulliver to a duel, but Gulliver was no match for the robot that Edward used to give Gulliver a wedgie. Gulliver surrendered, which upset everyone who believed that Gulliver was a superstar because of all the heroic deeds he claimed to have done. Gulliver told them the truth that he was a nobody from the mailroom and he lied, so Edward ordered for Gulliver to be banished to the outside world. Edward and the red Blefuscians tied Gulliver onto a raft and towed him out to sea with their ship. They sent him into the fog bank, and he washed up on the shore of an island where he was captured. The red Blefuscians took over Lilliput and tore down all the Gulliver billboards, and they renamed the kingdom New Blefuscia and seemed to combine the red and blue kingdoms into one. Horatio asked princess Mary to escape with him, but she was still upset with him and refused and said she was to marry Edward. Edward and his soldiers were there to capture Darcy Silverman when she washed up ashore with her boat Ship Happens. Horatio left on a boat to find Gulliver and tell him the news for him to return and save them all. Gulliver awoke inside a dollhouse, where he discovered that a giant girl who treated him like a baby doll and the girl dressed the adult male Gulliver in a frilly pink dress had captured him. Gulliver’s hair was in bows as the female giant child forced her male doll to make out with male Gulliver. Horatio found Gulliver and explained that Darcy was in Lilliput. Horatio gave Gulliver a pep talk to man up and rescue them all and confirmed that Gulliver was his friend. Gulliver agreed to save the day. Gulliver switched into his man clothes and stole the red, white, and green parachute from the dead skeleton of a military officer that didn’t make it in the Bermuda Triangle. Gulliver and Horatio returned to Lilliput, where they found the Lilluptian royal family locked up in the dungeon. Darcy was in prison also and in metal shackles on her wrists and ankles like Gulliver was. Gulliver rescued them and gave his word to protect them, and he made amends with Darcy and told her how he had a huge crush on her for the past five years and how he told everyone she was his princess. Gulliver faced off with Edward’s robot again in the castle courtyard, and they made a deal that the red Blefuscians would leave if Gulliver won the battle but they could destroy Lilliput kingdom if he lost. Gulliver tried to fight the robot, but Edward had added electric shocks to the robot’s capability and Gulliver was slightly electrocuted. The robot malfunctioned before Edward could finish Gulliver off because Horatio snuck inside the transformer robot and unplugged the cables. Gulliver then gave the robot a wedgie and defeated it. King Theodore declared that Horatio did a valiant deed and gave his permission for Horatio and princess Mary to be together so they kissed. Edward tried to kidnap princess Mary at sword-point, but she decked him and then Gulliver and Darcy kissed. Blue king Theodore and the red Blefuscian king were still bickering, so Gulliver and the Lilliputians told them in “War” song that good god war was good for nothing so the two kingdoms made miraculously peace. Gulliver and Darcy left on Gulliver’s Knotfersail boat to return to Manhattan as Horatio cried in princess Mary’s arms that he would miss Gulliver. Gulliver and Darcy started dating while working together at the NY paper. Gulliver returned from Papua New Guinea with his latest travel report. Mark was just hired to replace Gulliver in the mailroom and introduced to the lovers in Darcy’s office. Dan no longer dressed nice and and wore a black Knoxville Rams t-shirt. Gulliver told Dan make the most of the mailroom and then dismissed him so him and Darcy could go to lunch. On Darcy’s office wall was a news article about duo team Gulliver and Darcy’s travel work, and next to that was Darcy’s solo news article before Gulliver became her travel assistant boyfriend. This movie had a budget of $112 million grossed over $237 million at the box office. 

Food, Inc.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/11/25

TITLE:  Food, Inc. 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Magnolia Pictures/Participant Media/River Road Entertainment 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This documentary movie is about the food we eat today and find in supermarkets and how the majority of it no longer comes directly from farmers but instead multinational corporations that control the food industry and replace farms with factories. It was stated that McDonald’s revolutionized the fast food industry and made more money by getting rid of the carhops after the brothers introduced the factory method to their restaurant. This gave employees one job to do that enabled the company to pay low wages and replace workers easily. McDonald’s became the major US buyer of farm products such as beef, pork, chicken and tomatoes for their worldwide restaurants and that eventually took away from the quality of product that consumers purchased at the USA supermarket because the giant corporations were getting the best of food from the farmers. Today (2008), 80% of the beef and pork industry is controlled by a handful of major companies as well as the pork industry. In McLean County, Kentucky, farmers turned from growing tobacco to farming chickens that grew from a chick in a record 39 days versus three months, per Tyson’s contracted innovated fast grow method (inhumane on the animals). That put more money in people’s pockets. One farmer offered to show an investigative reporter his chicken houses where the birds were always kept in the dark, but the Tyson reps changed the farmer’s mind so nothing was shown and Tyson and Perdue refused to do interviews. The filmmakers asked many farmers, until a female farmer working for Perdue finally let them see the inside of a chicken barn. This farmer allowed the chickens to see the sunlight and explained that due to the rapid growth process, the chicks couldn’t stand up and hold their own weight as they matured. Chickens died each day inside the overcrowded barn. A hidden camera was installed in the chicken barn and the camera showed the chicken pickup Perdue crew onsite, who used to be mainly African-American but were now mostly undocumented Latino workers (illegals) coming to collect the live chickens and deliver to the processing plant. The questionable workers kicked the live chickens around and slammed them into their trucks and didn’t care if the birds were sick along the delivery route. The farmers were already in deep debt and couldn’t make a decent living as the large corporations controlled them. The corporate giants demanded expensive barn upgrades in addition to the $300,000 investment that the farmers already made to start the business, and the farmers were in jeopardy of losing their contracts if they didn’t comply. The female farmer’s contract was terminated by Perdue after she refused to change her chicken barn to a dark sunless building with tunnel ventilation. As it was, the average farmer earned $18,000 a year after borrowing $500,000 to invest in two chicken barns. Tracing supermarket foods back to their main source led to a cornfield in Iowa, where one farmer claimed the government was the reason for the overproduction of corn because it enabled the major corporations to buy the crop at a fraction of the cost it took to grow and then sell it for less than the price of production. Corn was the main staple for processed food because it could be broken down into dozens of different things. Cattle usually ate grass, but cows were fed corn to make them fatter for meat production. Eating corn and standing around all day in their own manure caused the cows to spread the new strain of E. Coli 0157 H7 to each other. The slaughterhouses killed the animals at a rate of 400 an hour so the manure got into the meat. In a span of over a decade, news outlets around the country reported E. Coli in apple juice and vegetables because of the runoff. During the Bush administration, a few high government officials had connections with the major companies that controlled the food industry. The FDA conducted 9,164 food safety inspections in 2006, whereas in 1972 it conducted around 50,000 inspections. Due to the considerable growth of factories and the introduction of mass-produced food, more food poisoning occurred in the industry despite the new technology. There used to be thousands of slaughterhouses in the 70’s, but the number dropped to just 13 for most of the beef sold in the country. Corporations did not always put out immediate recall notices when they knew the meat on the market was contaminated, and as a result innocent people and animals that ate the food lost their lives. It took seven years for Kevin’s Law to be signed into law that gave the USDA the power to shut down plants that continually produced contaminated meat. Some factories started cleansing hamburger meat filler with ammonia to kill the E. coli bacteria. It is a reality that unhealthy foods are cheaper than healthy foods and that was done by the corporate controllers at the top of the food chain. It was then shown that over man’s evolution from the chimp, man has grown significantly overweight and addicted to junk food. Some people with diabetes took expensive medicines and couldn’t afford healthy foods, so they resorted to cheap unhealthy fast food with high sugar levels and that made their health conditions worse. In Shenandoah Valley, Virginia, farming was the way it should be with cows freely grazing grass in open fields and producing their own manure with no corn diet versus other farms that had giant corporations from miles away puppeteering the farms and farmers. The same farmer argued that his slaughtering methods were just as efficient as the factories with less contamination, but the USDA didn’t agree. At the Smithfield hog factory in Tar Heel, North Carolina, the factory workers suffered health issues from their robotic jobs of processing the slaughtered pigs. The company knew about the mistreatment but ignored it and used it to their advantage because they knew there were no other jobs in the area. Teddy Roosevelt made the beef factories a better place to work with benefits for the employees until the expansion of companies and creation of fast food when the human workers were pushed to their limits every day. Meatpacking went from being one of the safest to one of the most dangerous jobs, and illegal immigrants from Mexico were hired in large numbers. Most of them used to farm corn until NAFTA caused cheap American corn to be imported to Mexico and put over a million Mexican farmers out of work. US corporations put ads in Mexican papers and bused illegals from Mexico to America to work at the factories as the government ignored it. A union organizer explained that Smithfield and immigration authorities made a deal with ICE to arrest 15 illegal workers a day so they could keep up with production lines and control the government. The union worker spoke out for the illegals, which had been in America for up to 15 years working at the plants and were now suddenly being arrested and deported while the American corporations that hired and housed the illegals in trailer parks got off scot-free. People came from hundreds of miles around to buy meat from the Virginia farmer that was grown naturally without processing and industrialization, and he wanted to keep it that way. At the Natural Products Expo in Anaheim, California, foods were introduced such as soy milk and organic popcorn. The man who founded Stonyfield was at the Apple & Eve booth with the Sesame Street characters. He discussed global warming and reflected on the alchemy groupies in college and how they needed to be Goliath (not David) in getting their point across that businesses were causing pollution and they needed a better organic way of feeding everyone. In 2008, Stonyfield was one of the most profitable organic yogurt companies and were acquired by Groupe Danone that was worth $23 billion and the founder continued to run it. Major food corporations now wanted a piece of the organic industry. Walmart visited Lilac Ridge Farm, a Stonyfield supplier in Brattleboro, Vermont to discuss organic food even though the farmers had previously boycotted Walmart. Stonyfield put their organic Yo-Baby yogurt in Walmart, and the founder passed it off as just another million-dollar sale with Walmart that helped to save the world. In the 1980’s, the Supreme Court allowed life to be patented so the corporations began to patent crops that sustained life. In 2008, the Missouri-based Monsanto had a patented gene in the Roundup Ready soybean that was in 90% of soybeans in the US versus only 2% of soybeans containing it in 1996. One farmer was upset that he couldn’t save his own seed for planting and had to accept the Monsanto alternative, which wasn’t the case in the past 10,000 years of farming. If the farmers tried to clean their own seeds, Monsanto had a team of private investigators and a 1-800 hotline for tips to report those farmers who were in a losing battle because that was their livelihood and income. Monsanto employed 75 staff members to investigate and prosecute farmers for planting their usual way instead of the Monsanto way and Monsanto went after them and lied that the farmers were guilty of patent infringement. The farmers told their stories about how Monsanto’s hired guns seemed to be ex-police or ex-military and were very intimidating. The seed cleaners who washed the farmer’s seeds had been around since the 1800’s, but now there were only a handful left because Monsanto put most of them out of business and wouldn’t let them use the seed cleaning machines on the local farms. If the farmers didn’t have Monsanto seeds planted in their field and a neighboring farmer did, the wind blew the pollen over and the GMOs would spread there. The farmer who didn’t use the seed then had to prove they weren’t infringing on Monsanto’s patent. It was said that Monsanto owned the intellectual property of the food industry while Microsoft owned the intellectual property of computer industry. Monsanto put out a black list of farmers who wouldn’t comply with their seeds, so the farmers were left seedless with no crop to grow. Monsanto sued one elderly crop cleaner man for cleaning farmers’ seed and encouraging them to break the patent laws. The cleaner hadn’t yet been to the courtroom but his bill was already $25,000. Another farmer who was doing well tried to fight Monsanto and he spent $400,000 but was told he would have to spend a million more in court. He settled out of court and declared that the person with the most money (Monsanto) triumphed in the justice system and the farmer lost because they didn’t have the money to see it through even though Monsanto was full of lies and deceit in their tactics in the courtroom. Monsanto refused to be interviewed. Justice Clarence Thomas used to work as an attorney for Monsanto, so Justice Thomas wrote the majority opinion for the seed-saving case that tipped the scales in Monsanto’s favor and did nothing for the farmers but enslaved them to the giant corporations. Monsanto had close ties to the Bush and Clinton administration, and for the last 25 years the government had workers from the food industry in high places in government positions to help the giant food corporations continue to dominate over the farmers and food quality and supply. In California State Legislature, it was debated about labeling cloning foods coming from cloned animals and how the manufacturers didn’t want “cloning” on the California label because people would be afraid to buy it since they weren’t educated enough to understand it. The SB-63 passed legislature for the clone to be on the label, but Governor Schwarzenegger vetoed it. Genetically modified foods are still not labeled on products but it is important for consumers to know what is being put into their foods and for them to have a say in their health. Oprah on one of her TV shows had discussed mad cow disease and declared that she wouldn’t eat any more hamburgers, so she was sued by Texas cattlemen for putting down their product and causing them to lose money. After six years of litigation (1998) during the Clinton Presidency and over $1 million in legal fees, Oprah won the case. In Colorado, a person could go to prison for talking bad about the meat grown there. The big corporations were suing just to send a message even though they might not win their case in hopes of putting out the message to the one objecting and using them as an example to keep quiet and go along with it or risk individual bankruptcy. The seed cleaner man that Monsanto targeted was interrogated and his bank records were subpoenaed over the past ten years, and his clients and friends didn’t do business with him anymore because the farmers were being pressured by Monsanto. Since the elderly man no longer had income, he couldn’t pay his legal bills and settled out of court four months later. It takes a substantial amount of diesel for the large farms to operate, so when oil prices go up the farmers are affected greatly and the prices of products increase. The government needs to help the health of its citizens by making nutritious items affordable versus sending citizens to early graves with cheap junk food and high cost of healthy products. The end goal would be to have a food supply in America that didn’t send people to the hospitals and doctors because the majority of inexpensive food lacks nutritious value. The one farmer that had 400k court costs against the tyrant corporation added that farmers deliver what the corporate market controls so if you let farmers grow crops naturally without bureaucratic tape, farmers will deliver wholesome food to your table. This movie had a budget of $1 million and grossed over $4 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Entertainment Weekly, “More than a terrific movie-it’s an important movie.” San Francisco Examiner, “Four stars. One of the year’s most important films.” O, The Oprah Magazine, “It might change your life.” Washington Post, “Everyone should see Food, Inc.” The Kansas City Star, “Doing for eating what former vice president Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth did for global warming.”

Rainbow Rangers - Welcome To Kaleidoscopia

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/8/25

TITLE:  Rainbow Rangers – Welcome to Kaleidoscopia 

BOX OFFICE RATED: N/A (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2019 Genius Brands International/Telegael Teoranta/Nick Jr./Kartoon Channel 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This review is a compilation of seven episodes from the kids’ cartoon TV series sold on one dvd. In Episode 1, Go with the Rainbow Floe, a baby polar bear on Earth was separated from its mother in the Arctic after a piece of the high ledge the baby stood alone on broke away. The mother stood a distance away and looked on as the baby bear fell far below on a piece of ice and drifted away in the ocean on the floe. The helpless mother roared for help and that cry traveled skyward in the form of a rainbow through outer space to the mythical world of Kaleidoscopia. Kaleidoscopia housed seven young girls called the Rainbow Rangers and they lived around the castle with universe dictating crown Queen Kalia (Ka-lee-a). Each young girl represented a different color of the rainbow and wore their colors proudly. They also had a super power when summoned to action to work as a team to do the queen’s bidding while everyone quickly dressed in their rainbow attire. Rosie Redd had strength power, Mandarin (Mandy) Orange had music power, Anna Banana had animal power, Pepper Mintz had inviso power, Bonnie Blueberry (BB) had construction and vision powers, Indigo (Indy) Allfruit had speed power and Lavender LaViolette had micro power. All the girls stopped whatever they were doing to transform into their short-skirted rainbow outfits, whenever rainbow-haired Kalia called them. On the first mission, the queen chose Rosie, Anna and Bonnie to rescue the baby bear with the help of their sidekick, Floof, a male pink Prismacorn (rainbow unicorn) whose only dopey vocabulary word was “Floof.” Soon after that the queen disappeared, her normal routine once she assigned a trio of girls to handle what the royal deemed as necessary saving in order for the earth to function according to the queen’s way. The foursome, (including Floof), then teleported to Earth in the Arctic using portals as they rode their three flying Spectra Scooters. Rosie, taking charge as leader, tried to rescue the bear cub by grabbing the cub off the patch of floating ice while Floof recklessly drove her flying machine. That didn’t pan out so well because Rosie never seemed to have the man strength she needed and couldn’t hold on to the cub very long. They crashed onto an ice floe, where ice broke off so the Rangers blamed it on global warming. Anna then used her powers to communicate with the cub, and told her sidekicks that the cub was too scared to move and fly again so BB made a tow device and the Rangers towed the ice floe to shore using their scooters. Baby Bear ran to Mama Bear once back on shore and that ended the mission for female gang of Rangers so they returned to Kaleidoscopia with Floof.

In Episode 2, Northern Lights, a seal and her pup at Lake Saimaa in Finland sent out rainbow distress signals to the unearthly queen in Kaleidoscopia. Kalia informed the Rangers that the weather in Finland was warmer than ever before (global warming) so the seals couldn’t build a snow den for safety. Kalia picked Rosie, Anna, Mandy and Floof for the next job and sent them to the specified area on Earth. The seals were too scared to go anywhere, so Mandy soothed them by playing her flute and then the Rangers took the seals to somewhere with plenty of snow and Anna quickly dug the den for them. However, the girls’ scooters were then stolen and it was too dark to go search for them. Young Anna was afraid of the dark and she didn’t want to stay on Earth overnight, but she agreed to have a sleepover with the girls and the seals. Mama Seal left the den to find food, but then the Rangers heard their scooters outside and went to get them back and took Baby Seal with them. They discovered that triplet bear cubs were joyriding on the scooters and couldn’t figure out how to stop, so Rosie handled the situation and she herself helped all three of triplets by landing each scooter safely back on the ground. The bears apologized for stealing the scooters. Mama Seal returned with a fish and the Rangers stuck around to watch the northern lights with their animal acquaintances.

In Episode 3, Uninvited Guest, an alligator took a nap in a Florida pool belonging to the wealthy Preston Praxton, high on the queen’s watch target list. A rainbow was sent from Earth to Kaleidoscopia, where Kalia then summoned the girls for another mission just as the females weren’t exactly playing nice with each other and invading personal spaces. Rogue Queen Kalia chose Rosie, Mandy, Pepper and Floof to go to Florida and warn Preston and his young daughter, Patty, about the alligator at the bottom of the pool and return the animal to its home. The Rangers saved Patty from diving into the pool and then confronted, Preston who was distracted with his tablet and ignored his daughter (Patty had no mom and Preston was a single dad). Preston was angry to see the Rangers on his property again and put them inside his newest booby trap, a soundproof glass dome. Preston had designed many booby traps for the young Rainbow Ranger females. Preston and Patty couldn’t hear the warnings from the Rainbow Rangers since they were silenced inside the dome so the father daughter duo went for a swim in their pool where the alligator chased them around once in the water. Rosie’s strength wasn’t enough to break the glass, so Mandy shattered it with her loud music. Pepper put a cloak of invisibility around Preston and Patty so the alligator couldn’t see them, and then Rosie tackled the savage beast while Mandy hypnotized it with her music. Patty demanded to hug the sleeping gator while Preston planned to call animal control but the Rangers wouldn’t let them so Preston threatened to make the Rainbow Rangers pay in cash for stealing the alligator off his property. The Rangers tried to take the alligator to the well-known Florida swamp, but Preston had destroyed it to build suburban housing that made him rich so they returned to Praxton’s house with gator. Rosie then took Preston for a personal ride to see from above all the houses in the hood, and he rode on the front of her scooter with his backside in Rosie’s face. They discovered that each home had an alligator in every pool because the gators no longer had anywhere to live because the swampland was developed. The Rainbow Rangers convinced Preston to tear down all the mansions in the neighborhood and build an alligator reserve called Gator World where people would pay Preston bucket-loads of money to see the gators. The Rainbow Rangers knew greedy Praxton would agree to their plan, which he did, so they returned home to their queen.

In Episode 4, Rangers Raise A Condor, a California condor chick fell out of its nest and was left dangling from a tree branch after a drone rammed into the bird nest. The chick’s distressed cries sent a rainbow from the USA to the queen in outer space Kaleidoscopia, where the Rainbow Rangers realized that the condor was an endangered species that could go extinct if one chick died. Kalia picked Anna, Bonnie, Lavender and Floof for the third Earth mission. They arrived in time for Floof to catch the chick after it fell from the branch. But, then the Rainbow gang fled from the drone that started following aggressively after them. The chick fell, but Anna caught it and gave it her stuffed bunny Mr. Stuffie-Wuffie for comfort as she always did with scared baby animals. The Rainbow Rangers discovered that the drone belonged to whiny Patty Praxton now in California, whose dad Preston spoiled her with all the gadgets she craved funded with his mega millions. Patty soon apologized for flying her demolition drone recklessly and agreed to help the Rangers save the chick once she learned her drone caused bad things to happen to others. The mother bird wouldn’t accept the chick back if it was in the presence of strangers, so Anna and Lavender tried to teach the chick how to fly but it couldn’t because the baby bird was too young. Patty offered up her drone, and the girls harnessed the chick to the drone and followed the chick’s directions until it found its mom. Blueberry released the chick from its harness by copying a boobie trap mechanism from Praxton so the chick landed in the nest and was reunited with its mother without being touched by the Rainbow Rangers. That ended the mission and the Rainbow gang returned to the queen while Patty remained behind in California a bit more drone sense and new understanding how misusing a drone could harm nature and have a negative impact on the environment and animals. In Episode 5, S’no Problem, Preston and Patty were skiing on their own private Praxton Mountain possibly in or near the state of Colorado. Preston didn’t notice when Patty got stuck in a tree well, so she cried for help and a rainbow alerted queen Kalia. The female in charge dispatched Rosie, Blueberry, Indigo and Floof to a state in the USA again to rescue Patty. Bonnie’s vision power didn’t work, so Rosie used her rainbow vision to look under the surface to find Patty hidden beneath the whiteness. Blueberry gave everyone snowshoes so they wouldn’t cause an avalanche, and Floof gave Patty air in the form of a bubble. Rosie was unable to pull Patty out of the hole, as she didn’t have enough strength again, so Indy rescued Rosie and then Indy used her speed power to quickly dug a tunnel from a different area under the snow to the tree well. Indigo and Rosie carried Patty through the snow tunnel to safety. Preston came on scene and found the Rainbow girls and used another booby trap to trap the Rainbow Rangers and Floof on his personal ski lift. Preston then summoned Big Gold Preston, his giant gold robot look-alike to prove that the snow would do as he commanded it and not create an avalanche. The robot gold Preston snowboarded down the mountain as Preston and Patty followed with an avalanche in their wake. Rosie couldn’t free the Rangers from the trap using her strength again, so Bonnie built a wall between the Praxtons and the avalanche to save them. Preston tried to take credit for building the wall. Patty took the controller from her dad and freed the Rainbow Rangers and Floof from the ski lift. Preston was upset that he lost his big gold robot, so Indy suggested that Preston build an own personal army of gold robots so he agreed and immediately got to work on plans for his robot factory on his mountainous land. The Rainbow gang then returned home to their universal palace out of this world. In Episode 6, Icebreakers, two orca whales were trapped under the ice in the Russian Arctic and struggled to share one small breathing hole. Kalia explained that the orcas traveled further north than usual because their home waters were now too warm, and the ocean froze over them. The ruler Kalia chose Indigo, Mandy, Rosie and Floof to save the whales. Rosie widened the breathing hole for the whales, but then it froze back over. Indigo found the open ocean, but the only way there was covered with ice so the orcas couldn’t make it without air. The breathing hole kept shrinking, so the Rainbow Rangers took their mission underwater where they could still breathe and talk underwater. Indy tried to use her speed to push the whales out to the ocean, but she couldn’t move them. Mandy hypnotized the orcas with music to keep them calm. Rosie used her strength to get the whales to move and then Indigo used her speed to push the whales through the water. However, the orcas stopped moving so Floof created a trail of bubble fish to help lead the whales safely out to the open ocean away from the ice. The Rainbow teamsters left Earth again since that mission was accomplished. In Episode 7, Monkey Business, a baby pygmy marmoset in the South American Amazon was caught and put inside a small cage. Lavender captured a tiny dragonfly from outside her home and wanted to keep it as a pet and she named it Snowy, but the other Rainbow Rangers discouraged her as wild things had wild families. Queen Kalia sent Rosie, Lavender, Pepper and Floof to the Amazon to rescue the marmoset. The Rainbow Rangers discovered that Preston was in South America and he was responsible for capturing the marmoset. Preston was upset when he ruined his expensive Italian boots in the mud when the noisy marmoset wanted out of the cage. Rosie hung from a tree branch and tried to grab the marmoset’s cage, but she couldn’t and she fell into quicksand below. She held onto Floof’s horn and he and the Rainbow gang pulled Rosie free. They followed Preston’s footprints to his camp, where he gave the marmoset to daughter Patty as a pet and she named it Piggles. The girls wondered if they should let Patty keep Piggles because they seemed to bond together. Pepper turned herself invisible and went to free Piggles, but Lavender believed that Patty and Piggles had a bond and should stay together. Lavender tripped Pepper so her invisibility was exposed, so Preston could see Pepper and caught Pepper. Preston then put the Rainbow Rangers (except Lavender) in another one of his expensive booby traps for the queen’s girls. One of Piggles’ family members appeared, and Lavender told Patty that she decided she would release Snowy back into the wild where he belonged. Patty agreed with Lavender and then let Piggles run off with his wild monkey gang. Lavender and Snowy freed the other Rainbow Rangers and Floof. Patty and Preston left on their private helicopter while the Rainbow bunch left Earth and returned to their own home with their rainbow universal monarch. This entertainment for children had a commonsense selectionseal for families.

The Illusionist

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/1/25

TITLE:  The Illusionist 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006  20th Century Fox / Yari Film Group Releasing / Bob Yari Productions / Koppelman-Levien / Michael London Production / Contagious Entertainment / Miracle Pictures / Stillking Films / Freestyle Releasing

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in Vienna. It began with the famous magician Eduard Abramovicz, stage name Eisenheim the Illusionist, wowing a crowd as he performed his staged acts. Royal Chief Inspector Walter Uhl then arrested Eduard on grounds of disturbing the public, charlatanism and threats against the empire. The crowd protested and rebelled in Eduard’s defense. Crown Prince Leopold, the heir to the Austro-Hungarian Empire, instructed his beck and call police, headed by Uhl, to use torture or find something from Eduard’s past to get Eduard to reveal his secret magic tricks. Eduard knew he wanted to be a magician from the time he was a young teen when he met an old man who performed mind-boggling magic and then the old man disappeared. Eduard’s dad was a cabinetmaker who built furniture for the family of the young Duchess Sophie von Teschen, who was Eduard’s age. He started practicing magic, and teen Sophie became interested until she got in trouble for associating with a peasant. Eduard and Sophie were forbidden to communicate, so they secretly met together over the years. Their friendship turned into romance, and he gave her a wooden carved butterfly locket with his picture inside and the only way to open the locket was to twist it into a heart shape. Eduard and Sophie tried to run away to China, but before they could, the authorities found the lovebirds and took Sophie back to the castle and threatened to arrest Eduard and his family if Eduard went near Sophie again. Eduard left town and changed his name to Eisenheim. Eisenheim performed magic on stages around the world until he returned to Vienna fifteen years later. He gave coins to poor boys and put on a show where he proved that he could speed up time by growing an orange tree from a seed in seconds. Inspector Uhl was in attendance one evening, and he couldn’t believe that the audience believed that Eisenheim’s tricks were real and and thought Eisenheim possessed authentic magic powers to trick everyone into believing fake things. Eisenheim and his manager, Josef Fischer, soon received a good review in the paper after the show so that helped their ticket sales. Inspector Uhl showed up at the theater again but this time to inspect the theater in preparation for the arrival of Crown Prince Leopold who would attend the performance that night. Uhl was fascinated by Eisenheim’s performance, so Eisenheim taught inspector Uhl the secret of one trick and then gave him a gift to quickly end the inspection and get the officers out of the building. That night, Royal Leopold attended with Duchess Sophie and Leopold offered his girlfriend up as the volunteer for one of Eisenheim’s tricks. Sophie stood in front of a mirror, where Eisenheim made two reflections of her appear. One of the fake Sophie’s killed the other with a sword, and then Eisenheim drew the soul of the dead fake Sophie out of the mirror towards real Sophie and then made the will-of-the-wisp disappear. Duchess Sophie dramatically fainted briefly and Eisenheim caught her in his arms, and they recognized each other quickly as past lovers from years before. Prince Leopold thought he had most of the illusion figured out and invited Eisenheim to perform it again at the Hofburg with his groupies. Herr Fischer informed Eisenheim that Leopold and Sophie were engaged, and it was rumored that Prince Leopold beat the women he was with and even pushed one off a balcony to her death so he wouldn’t be found out for the wretched abuse of women and his hidden demonic character. Sophie sent Eisenheim a message and the two secretly met in a carriage on the street to get away from Uhl’s police spies that constantly followed Sophie. The Duchess still wore Eisenheim’s secret heart locket, and the two kept their meeting short and sweet and planned to see each other again at the Hofburg. The hired policemen that kept tabs on Sophie then delivered her daily report to Inspector Uhl that she was seen in a carriage with Eisenheim. Two officers picked Eisenheim up and took him to Inspector Uhl for questioning. Uhl interrogated Eisenheim and then learned about Eisenheim’s childhood relationship with Sophie. Uhl explained that he was the son of a butcher and hoped to be chief of police, mayor or advance with the help of Prince Leo. He warned Eisenheim not to mess with Leopold because he had spies everywhere and it wasn’t worth the risk with the progressive ideas Leo planned to put into action when he became emperor. At the Hofburg, Eisenheim performed and taunted Leopold by magically drawing, without paint or pen, a picture of his dad, the current emperor. Leopold attempted to tell the crowd how Eisenheim accomplished the hoaxes but he couldn’t explain it. Eisenheim then used magic to secure Leopold’s jeweled sword to the floor and declared that whoever removed the sword would be emperor like in the story of King Arthur and Excalibur. Two men from the audience tried and failed. Leopold himself was unable to pull out the sword until Eisenheim allowed Leo to when Eisenheim was ready, so everyone laughed. Leopold was humiliated and ended the entertainment for the night so everyone could get drinks. The Prince felt threatened and instructed policeman Uhl to shut Eisenheim down. Sophie knew Leopold’s evil side and told Eisenheim that she wasn’t pleased with what he did. Sophie got Eisenheim’s home address from his manager, Josef, and rode her white horse there to warn him that night. The two had a heated argument as to why he left her but then the two had sex. Eisenheim explained that when he left Vienna as a young teen, he went to his uncle’s farm in Prague and then traveled to Russia, Asia Minor and the Orient. Sophie responded that Leopold asked her to go with him to Budapest to announce their engagement. Leo planned for the Hungarians to stand behind him and crown him king after he overthrew his emperor dad. Eisenheim wanted Sophie to run away with him, but she knew that Leopold would hunt them both down and kill them so Eisenheim made foolproof plans for him and Sophie to be together. Inspector Uhl shut down the theater despite the fact that all of Eisenheim’s upcoming shows were sold out, so Eisenheim packed his things and withdrew all of his savings from multiple accounts at the bank. He hooked up with and left in a carriage with Sophie, and the two were seen by one of Uhl’s spies who reported back to the inspector. Uhl went to the train station, where he overheard Eisenheim and the plans he made with another man that involved a map and meeting up with Sophie as she would go to the arranged hideout ahead of the magician. Uhl informed Leopold of his findings and lied that the lawmen did not see Eisenheim and Sophie touching, kissing or fornicating when the lawman did in fact witness kissing. Prince Leo was irate to hear the news as he resumed firing his gun outside his compound castle grounds target practicing. Duchess Sophie then visited Prince Leopold that night, as they exchanged words as he drank alcohol and told her that he didn’t want to share his bed with her since she did so with Eisenheim. Sophie declared that she was calling off the wedding and would not go to Budapest because she didn’t support crazy Leo’s empire plans. Prince Leopold slapped Sophie hard across the face and called her a whore, so she rushed off. He followed her into the stable, and a castle worker from inside looking down at the enraged Prince assumed that Leopold killed Sophie with his sword as she rode out of the barn slumped over on her horse. The castle guard let the Duchess through the gate even though she was not upright in her saddle. Sophie never showed up to Eisenheim’s house at the designated meeting time, and then Sophie’s white horse returned to the stable alone and covered in blood where the Duchess was bent over the horse. A search party went into the woods to find Sophie. As she was spotted, Eisenheim dove into the small river alone to retrieve Sophie’s dead body and wept over her. The family doctor determined that Sophie bled to death from a neck wound. Inspector Uhl showed up at the crime scene and insisted on inspecting Sophie’s body but the doctor didn’t want her disturbed too much and instead gave the policeman a red gemstone that was found in the folds of Sophie’s dress. Eisenheim told Uhl that Royal Leo was responsible for Sophie’s murder, but Uhl didn’t believe that Sophie would leave Leopold for Eisenheim so Uhl sided with the crown prince and argued that he couldn’t have killed Sophie before Leo left for Budapest, which was where Leo currently was. Uhl and his police went to Prince Leopold’s barn without permission to investigate to visit the stall where Sophie retrieved her horse prior to her death. Leo arrived back home almost instantly and suggested that Sophie committed suicide. That week, inspector Uhl arrested a random man and charged him with Sophie’s murder because the man said he committed the crime. Meanwhile, Inspector Uhl had his policemen continue to watch Eisenheim’s every move. Eisenheim later bought an old theater, fired his manager Josef and hired a group of Oriental men as helpers. Uhl attended the opening night show. Eisenheim summoned a ghost named Frankel, who lived in Brunn and didn’t know how he came to be there. The crowd was taken aback and asked Frankel questions about the other side, but then Eisenheim dismissed the ghost. As the crowd left the theater, Uhl told his fellow officer that the crowd was duped by the illunsionist and seemed to believe what they saw was real and didn’t think it was a mere magician’s trick. Eisenheim continued making ghosts appear at his shows and his audience became even more enthralled with his supposed supernatural powers. Even the local preacher told his congregation that Eisenheim proved that the soul did not die with the body and everyone should live up to moral standards. The doctor performed a medical procedure on Prince Leopold’s hand with a needle. As that happened Prince Leo instructed policeman Uhl to figure out how Eisenheim accomplished his illusions and then arrest him for fraud. Uhl’s police team of experts used an old projector to create a ghost hologram like the ones that Eisenheim created in order to prove fraud. As it turned out, the Oriental men were extremely loyal to Eisenheim and all refused to tell Uhl’s policemen anything about their actor employer. Uhl then planned to put a spy on the inside of Eisenheim’s business to find out information. One of the officers broke into Eisenheim’s theater one night, but the officer got caught and was thrown out by the Orientals who kept watch over their boss’ things and hid out in his building. The townsfolk were suddenly scared to walk the streets after they witnessed a boy’s ghost wandering around. The ghost boy walked into the theater and scared everyone there too. Eisenheim was brought before Uhl at his office. Uhl questioned the magician how he made the ghosts appear. A crowd of people that supported Eisenheim rallied outside the police building, and Uhl threatened to put Eisenheim in prison if the mob turned loose and destroyed the property. Eisenheim got up from his chair and walked to the balcony and told his followers to go home because his tricks were for the sole purpose of entertainment and he couldn’t bring their loved ones back from the dead. Eisenheim then told Uhl that he couldn’t be charged with fraud since he explained the illusion to the police and the people, and then he left the inspector’s office as a free man again. Uhl then saw Leo’s ugly side when the prince announced that Uhl’s police force was incompetent and informed that he, Leo, had to take matters into his own hands to get the outcome he wanted and takeover the empire. Later on as they got out of a horse and carriage, commoner disguised and dressed Prince Leo instructed the police to keep their distance. Leo with his eyeglasses was disguised as an everyday citizen so he could blend in with the audience at EIsenheim’s show without being recognized. It was there that Eisenheim summoned Sophie’s ghost, and she confirmed that the murderer was there in the room with them and then the Duchess faded away. The crowd turned on the police and doubted that Uhl arrested the real murderer and they believed that Prince Leo should be investigated. In privacy, Leopold declared that the ghost was an actress who looked nothing like Sophie, and he then instructed Inspector Uhl to arrest Eisenheim and his entire troupe at their next show so an example could be made of them in front of the audience not to mess with royalty. Uhl had a private pow-wow with the performer and told Eisenheim to stop his tricks because the actor couldn’t take the monarchy down by himself and Uhl didn’t want to put him Eisenheim in jail because he personally was a fan of Eisenheim. Uhl assigned dozens of guards to arrest Eisenheim after the big show that night. Before his next show, Eisenheim met up with fired Josef again and gave Josef his old manager control of all his finances; the theater and profits from that night’s show and put the details inside an envelope. Josef happily accepted and took the envelope. During the performance, Eisenheim made Sophie appear again, and she declared that she lost her locket that she wore the day of her death because it was not around her neck anymore. The crowd protested as Inspector Uhl put an end to the Broadway playwright and announced that Eisenheim was under arrest, but then he discovered that Eisenheim himself was an illusion and then the illusionist faded away on stage. The many officers on site put one of the Oriental men in a chokehold to get answers, but the Asian man said he didn’t know the disappearing into thin air invisible trick. Uhl and his policemen searched the theater and Eisenheim’s house for the real magician where Uhl found a jar of red liquid and a book labeled “Orange Tree.” Inside the book was the design for Sophie’s locket that had instructions to open it. Uhl remembered seeing something in the horse stall bedding, so he went back to Prince Leo’s barn that night unannounced and using his lantern he found the locket in the hay. The officer followed the diagram’s instructions and opened the locket and found the picture of young teen Eisenheim inside. Uhl then found a green gemstone in the straw where the locket was. The hired help man who witnessed Prince Leo and Sophie shouting in the barn area before they were out of sight and the duchess rode out bent over, brought Uhl the sword in question. The policeman confirmed that the two gemstones that were found had indeed fallen out of the royal Leopold’s decorated sword blade and that must have been the murder weapon used to kill Sophie. Uhl went to see Prince Leo inside his castle and accused the so-called royal man of murder, but Leopold believed that nothing could happen to him anyway since the police had no jurisdiction over the royals. Uhl argued that the only person who could do something about the situation was indeed Leopold’s dad the emperor, who now knew about his princely son’s dirty deeds and his devious plan to overthrow the emperor, thanks to a letter Uhl wrote to him and others. Officer Uhl declared that he no longer cared if doing the right thing would jeopardize his chance to be an aristocrat, baron, mayor or chief of police that Prince Leo had offered to him many times previously as a bribe but only if Uhl did his every bidding. Mentally challenged Leo then held a gun to Inspector Uhl’s head and threatened to make Uhl’s murder at gunpoint look like a suicide. Out of his mind Leopold then locked himself and Uhl into the room while screaming that his dad was an imbecile and ran the empire into the ground and Leopold was the only person who could save it his own new way. The officers of the general staff arrived and banged on the door for Leopold to open it, but after holding the gun to the officer’s head, Prince Leo then turned it on himself and pulled the trigger and was instantly dead moments before the doors were broken down by the royal guard. Uhl told the guards Leo committed suicide. As Uhl left the castle grounds, a young boy on the street verified the officer’s identity and then gave the inspector a package containing the Orange Tree book, and then the kid walked off. Uhl quickly discovered that the boy had pickpocketed him and had stolen Sophie’s locket from his pocket. Uhl yelled after the boy and the shouted back that he received the package directly from Eisenheim. Uhl caught on to what was happening as he recalled all the clues he had stored from the great illusion heist of surrounding both Sophie and Eisenheim’s sudden disappearances. He ran down the street and then spotted Eisenheim in disguise and chased after him, but Eisenheim boarded a train and it departed before the policeman arrived on scene. Uhl then remembered overhearing Eisenheim tell another man at the same train station that the unknown man would travel ahead with Sophie and Eisenheim would follow later. Uhl pieced it all together and realized that Sophie and Eisenheim were madly in love with each other and would stop at nothing to be together, even if it meant staging their own death and helping the emperor keep his empire by removing abusive and madman Leo from the picture. Sophie’s death was an illusion that she and Eisenheim crafted so they could be together, and the two were able to fool everyone and kill off the evil prince Leopold in the process. The movie ended with the lovers reuniting with horses at their secluded cabin in the mountains with the duchess gifted her butterfly locket from her teen lover a second time. This movie had a budget of $16 million and grossed over $87 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, New York Post “One of the year’s best. A masterpiece.” USA Today “Stunning.” Entertainment Weekly, “Mesmerizing.” Good Morning America “Beautifully acted.” The New York Times, “Teases you until the very end.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/27/25

TITLE:  Rock Dog 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children. The content is not PG.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Lionsgate (USA) / Huayi Brothers Media Corp (China) / Summit Entertainment / /Mandoo Pictures (USA & China) / Huayi Tencent Entertainment Company / Eracme Entertainment / Dream Factory Group-Onion Global Limited (China located in USA) / Reel FX Animation Studios / Timeless Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie took place in the Tibetan village of Snow Mountain. The villagers were mostly sheep and produced yarn from their own wool. They were regularly terrorized by a pack of wolves, led by Linnux. A dog village guard, Khampa, used his Deadly Mastiff Paw power to fight off the wolves like the generations of Mastiff dogs did before him. Khampa formed an army of sheep in the event the wolves ever returned, but the sheep were sitting ducks so they dressed up in Mastiff suits as an intimidation tactic. In the present generation, the dimwitted sheep along with Khampa’s young son, Bodi, were too distracted by music to keep watch for danger, so Khampa confiscated their instruments and locked the noisemakers in a shed. Khampa organized the sheep and had them wear costume dog suits to fool the wolves in the event they ever returned that they had an army of dogs. Khampa also tried to prepare Bodi to take his place as guard in the future, but Bodi wasn’t interested. Years later, Khampa was still struggling to teach the sheep how to be warriors. Khampa was also still training his now teenage son Bodi to hate hate hate the wolves and harness his own deadly powers and to follow in his dad’s footsteps. Bodi couldn’t summon enough firepower to use against wolves, so Khampa was disappointed after Bodi lost the head off one of the robot looking dog costumes. A flock of birds carried away the head of the fake Mastiff disguise. As the birds flew toward a plane, the plane swerved to avoid the birds but then the plane lost some of its cargo in the process. Scattered on the land from the plane droppings, Bodi found a working radio and turned it to a rock station that he instantly connected with and it had a British rock star, Angus Scattergood (a Persian cat), being interviewed by the Radio DJ about his upcoming new song. The Brit advised aspiring musicians to ignore their parents every time they told their kids to stop playing music. Bodi then became super obsessed with music and stole a guitar from his dad’s locked shed. Khampa didn’t approve of Bodi’s new dream to become a musician, so Bodi snuck out of the house through his bedroom window. Bodi continued to play his guitar, so security guard Khampa told Floyd the barber his troubles with Bodi. Floyd explained that he wanted a career in astrophysics when he was younger. His dad showed him “The Book” containing different pictures of sheep that went without grooming and that scared Floyd straight into wanting to be a barber, like his dad. Khampa got an idea then and dressed up like a wolf to scare Bodi. Khampa recruited three unintelligent sheep to help him. Khampa dragged Bodi out of his room before he could escape out of his bedroom window again and parked his son at his guard post where he would keep watch until dawn. However, Bodi put out one of the Mastiff suits as a dummy and ran off to play his guitar. Khampa caught up with Bodi and ran after Bodi with his wolf head. Bodi thought that Khampa was a wolf so he yelled in the streets to everyone that wolves were attacking them. That caused a pandemonium and all the sheep panicked and ran amok. Khampa was bent over trying to remove a wolf mask stuck on one sheep’s head, so (male) Floyd thought Khampa with his wolf mask on was a wolf and came behind the guard dog and stabbed him shoving his barber scissors up (male) Khapma’s bent over butt. Bodi knocked over a lantern and set a yarn ball on fire that rolled inside the fireworks warehouse which then set off the fireworks inside the building around the village. Fleetwood Yak (after the British mac band), the village elder counselor yak, gave Khampa a bus ticket for his son to go to the city and advised the dad to let Bodi be a musician like Bodi wanted and destined to be, because it was unlikely that the wolves would ever come back and Bodi didn’t have the powers to take over as village guard anyway. Meanwhile, Bodi was discouraged because he couldn’t be a musician, so he put the guitar back in the locked shed, as the son obviously knew where his dad kept the key. However, Khampa then gave Bodi the bus ticket and told him to try his luck in the city but to return to their village if things didn’t work out. Bodi left immediately but not before Fleet gave Bodi the guitar back, and telling the sheep goodbye. Bodi headed to the bus station in blizzard conditions. Linnux’s two wolf henchmen Riff and partner in crime Skozz, were stationed nearby at all times watching the sheep dog army. They spotted Bodi leaving Snow Mountain and reported back to Linnux via phone. Linnux was now CEO of Linnux Industries in the city. Linnux ordered the two bad wolves to kidnap and capture Bodi so they could use Bodi to get the village he always wanted in his possession to rule over the land, own the village and dispose of the sheep. Riff and Skozz tried to shoot at Bodi, but they were incompetent and missed. Bodi made it to Rock N’ Roll Park in the city where Angus first got started in his rock career and found a band that needed a guitarist. Bodi tried to do the same and wanted to join a band with Darma the red fox guitarist and Germur the goat drummer. But then the lead guitarist Trey, a snow leopard, showed up and disliked Bodi on sight. The big cat tricked the small sized Bodi dog into a shred-off where the two battled playing riffs to decide if Bodi could be in the band. Trey was the better player, and everyone laughed at Bodi when he flung his guitar into a tree trying to follow Trey’s moves. Trey set Bodi up for failure again and told him to visit Brit rocker Angus at his white house and kiss the gate for luck. However, the gate was electric and the shock sent Bodi flying through a sheet of glass that shattered with the impact of his body sending shards of glass around him. Inside his celebrity home, Angus had a heated discussion via phone with his manager, Ian. Ian was angry with Angus for not delivering on his promised song and threatened to kick him off the label if he didn’t turn in the song in three days. Angus called himself a rock god, even though he hadn’t even started writing the new song. Angus had no inspiration even after having his rock out time in his house, so his butler robot, Ozzy, brought him champagne. Bodi used #1 Fan mitts to break in and climb the electric fence and drop to the garden maze outside the house. Almost immediately, several evil robot mice chased Bodi until he climbed over the hedges to the front door. Bodi asked Angus over the intercom to be his teacher and give him music lessons. Angus agreed but then disposed of Bodi by using the welcome mat outside the door to catapult Bodi outside his property and onto the street. It poured rain, so Bodi took shelter in a garbage can and ended up inside the trash truck when the truck arrived to empty the trashcan outside the residence. Riff and Skozz checked in with Linnux, who was upset to hear that they botched the son’s kidnapping because he needed Bodi to get to the father and own the mountain village. The next day, Bodi sang loudly outside Angus’ mansion. That distracted Angus from writing a new song that had a deadline. Angus stormed out to tell Bodi off, and then the gates closed on Angus and Angus ended up zapping himself, only the cat didn’t shatter the glass as the dog did. The Stargazer tour bus arrived on the street and all of Angus’ fans chased him down the street. Bodi followed, and he and Angus hid in a dumpster until the mob fans passed. Angus blamed Bodi for his trouble, so Bodi played his guitar in the park in hopes of earning money for Angus to take a cab back home. Riff and Skozz spotted Bodi and attempted to kidnap him again. Bodi didn’t make any money and was only given a button in his can, so Angus took over. Angus told Bodi to go far away from him to wait so Angus met up with Darma and Germur and told them he had been hanging out with Angus all day, which neither believed Bodi and thought Bodi lied to make friends with them. The Linnux’s bad wolf guys mistook Angus for Bodi and sucked Angus up inside a vacuum. They delivered who they thought was Bodi but was really Angus to Linnux at Linnux’s club the Fight Palace in another part of the city. Linnux was angry that they messed up again and got the wrong guy and knew who Angus was. Angus was furious that he got kidnapped and spouted off threats against the Wolf leader, so the minion wolf gang members knocked Angus out with their baseball bat. Linnux took away Riff and Skozz’s 401Ks and healthcare plans for their mess up, and sent them back out to get Bodi. The thug duo dropped Angus off at his house and dumped him in the street. Riff then crashed the LNX-13 gangster car after he was distracted with Skozz who ignored his conversation because his buddy was playing a video game in the passenger seat next to him. Bodi returned to his post outside Angus’ house singing. Angus heard the garbage song and wanted Bodi’s lyrics so he pretended to be nice to Bodi, let him in his house, and gave him so-called music lessons. Angus instructed Bodi to pick out any electric guitar he wanted from his library of hundreds of guitars, but then Angus wouldn’t let Bodi have any of them and instead gave him a beat up old acoustic guitar. Bodi came up with a rhythm, but the waste managementlyrics were not a hit moneymaker song so Bodi and Angus worked on writing new words using their instruments. Bodi was empowered by the music and his electrifying Mastiff Paw powers finally came out. Bodi blew up the recording room and sent Ozzy flying out the window, but Angus was fine with it now that he had a new song “Glorious” to give to his manager and it was finished. Angus told Bodi his calendar was booked and he would let him know when the next lesson would be. Bodi went to the Rock Park and told all the musicians in the park that he and Angus wrote a song together. But, then Angus was heard on the radio and Angus lied to his audience that he wrote the song himself and gave Bodi no credit. As a result, nobody believed Bodi, so he was depressed and discouraged and stayed in the pouring rain in the park when everyone else left. At the celebrity’s white house, Ozzy stared at Angus with sad robot eyes because Ozzy’s battery was low and needed recharging, but Angus thought Ozzy’s blank stare was a guilt trip for throwing Bodi under the bus and stealing his work. Angus ignored his manager who called to set up a party at two hotels in celebration for the new song and left his house to find Bodi in his tour bus. Linnux’s mobster wolves then cornered Bodi in the park, and he ducked so the wolves ended up shooting each other with their dart guns and they all passed out unconscious. Riff finished the job by shooting Bodi, but then Skozz shot off his gun and the dart hit Riff in the head and knocked him out. Bodi awoke tied up in the mobster’s club. Linnux who wanted info about Khampa’s army in the village interrogated Bodi. Bodi, because of the drugged dart, accidentally revealed that his dad’s army was just a bunch of pathetic sheep in Mastiff clothing, so Linnux and the wolves headed to Snow Mountain. Darma and Germur searched the park for Bodi and found tire tracks and the darts at the crime scene. Ian had gone to Angus’ house to pick up the song, but Angus wasn’t there so Ian called him and was mad. Angus went to the park, where he discovered that one of the darts had a wolf symbol on it and remembered it from when Linnux catnapped him. Darma and Germur finally believed Bodi that he knew Angus, so the trio searched around town for Bodi in Angus’ tour buss. The wolves locked Bodi into a boxing ring at the Fight Palace so he could fight to the death with the Grizz, a vicious grizzly bear wrestler. Bodi outsmarted Grizz and escaped after Grizz destroyed the cage in the bear’s rage. Bodi followed the wolves outside, and then he was picked up by the singer’s tour bus. Angus gave Bodi the expensive one of a kind guitar Bodi picked earlier from his collection and then they all headed to Snow Mountain. Meanwhile, Linnux and his wolf gang arrived at the village and captured Khampa. Khampa told Carl the sheep, who was always in the shower and walking around wearing his bath towel, that he was the only hope for them all and to go warn the villagers. Fleet locked himself and all the sheep inside a building away from the suit-and-tie-wearing wolves, but the executive predators easily unlocked the door. The mobsters tied up all the sheep and planned to barbecue them on their grills, but then Bodi appeared and the wolves chased him through the village. They cornered Bodi on a rooftop. Khampa encouraged his son to play his guitar so he could harness his firepower and save everyone. The shockwaves sent the wolves floating out of the village and then Khampa blasted Linnux off the mountain with his own powers as he tried to attack his son Bodi. Khampa hugged Bodi and he told his son he loved him, but Bodi didn’t say he loved his dad back. Instead, Bodi’s rocker groupies appeared so Bodi happily hugged onto Angus. In the end, Bodi, Darma and Germur played in a band with Bodi as lead singer and guitarist. They performed “Glorious” at a concert in Linnux’s club where Bodi played on the red electric guitar gifted by Angus and Angus played on his British-flag themed guitar. Trey tried to get into the club but was not allowed. Inside the building, Khampa and the wolves shook paws, and Fleet and some of the sheep joined the rock band on stage. This movie had a budget of $64 million and grossed $24 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, The Fresno Bee, “…a nice blend of music, adventure and comedy…” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/22/25

TITLE:  The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2002 MGM / Best Picture Show Company / Cheyenne Enterprises / 20th Century Fox 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began at a secret US government base in the Mojave Desert, where the SE-2020 satellite malfunctioned in outer space so the base in Canberra, Australia, was alerted. The satellite drifted out of orbit and exploded over Queensland, and the black box beacon broke off and crashed into the Australian desert and was swallowed by a crocodile. The Alpha-Proton beacon was created for a Mars mission and contained images from all over the world on its hard drive, and if in the wrong hands, had the capability to destroy the system of the modern world if the wrong people got ahold of it. At the CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, agents Robert Wheeler and Vaughn Archer were assigned to find and retrieve the lost satellite black box in Australia. Their one contact would know nothing about their mission and they would use the Red River mining operation as their cover. Meanwhile, Steve and Terri Irwin, a husband and wife team of adventurers from the Australian Zoo, headed out into the desert with their dog, Sui, in search of reptiles. Sui had been with Steve for 13 years and well-trained Sui listened to Steve’s every command while croc hunting, otherwise the dog wouldn’t be alive. Steve and Terri failed to catch a lizard in the desert, so they went in search of venomous snakes. Steve caught the deadliest snake in the world that contained enough venom to kill 150,000 rats. He handled the snake one-on-one like his dad taught him since childhood and muck with it without suffering serious injury or death. Steve soothed the snake and declared that he would rather handle a deadly snake like that than many dangerous people he knew. Back in the USA at the CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia, agents Robert Wheeler and Vaughn Archer were assigned to find and retrieve the beacon in Australia. In Australia, Brozzie Drewitt was left caring for her cattle ranch alone in the outback with her pack of vicious dogs after her husband died. Brozzie shot at the crocodile that attacked and killed her cattle. Her neighbors called Sam Flynn from the Fauna and Fisheries Department. He warned Brozzie about breaking the law, which stated that she couldn’t kill the crocs even though the crocs would kill her cattle. Broozie was determined to keep her cattle and property and beloved dogs safe no matter what. She didn’t want Sam hanging around and posted signs threatening to shoot trespassers and sic her vicious dogs on them. Local fishermen complained about being attacked by a dangerous crocodile in another area, so Steve and Terri went to capture the croc and relocate it somewhere else down the river so it would have no more encounters with swimmers and fishermen. Steve had been catching crocodiles by hand with his dad since he was a little boy, so he was an expert croc hunter. He and Terri found the problem croc at night by seeing its eyes flash red in the spotlight. Steve jumped into the black water and wrestled with the croc as Terri, who was less experienced, tried to lasso the jaws of the struggling croc with her husband wrapped around it. They finally got the croc into the boat, and Steve collapsed and celebrated victory by patting his wife Terri on the butt and thanked her for her help. At the USA National Reconnaissance Office, rogue Deputy Director Ansell wanted a promotion and believed he deserved it for his service and was in competition with director Reynolds. Ansell got wind of Wheeler and Archer’s mission, so he sent his a USA agent from his office, an Australian female named Jo Buckley to Queensland to beat the CIA and retrieve the missing black box since she was familiar with the other country and could travel to and from it without question. Wheeler and Archer arrived in Australia and discovered that their contact was Jo, not Joe, and Jo was dressed sexy. The agents knew nothing about Jo being a USA spy from the other department, so they told Jo everything and spoke freely while in her presence. In their travels, Steve and Terri found a dead kangaroo in the roadside, so they moved it to the ditch and then rescued the baby joey that was left behind. Terri wrapped the joey in her shirt to nurse later and she and Steve planned to adopt it and bottle-feed it regularly like a baby until it could be released back into the wild. Sam informed Brozzie that the officials were calling in the Irwins to take care of her croc problem, and Brozzie wasn’t pleased. Steve captured a large bird-eating venomous spider and planned to take it back to the Australian Zoo to test the potency of its venom. Terri said on camera that the female would kill the male after the male and female spiders mated. Steve then pulled the dead husband spider out of the large hole that the female wife had already killed and had been feasting on for days. Sam called Steve and Terri Irwin to Brozzie’s ranch to catch the croc. Brozzie took matters into her own hands and hung a chicken from a tree as bait for the croc near the river. Brozzie fell asleep in the tree and was startled awake when the croc grabbed the chicken. Brozzie hung onto the rope to keep from falling. The rope snapped and Brozzie dropped into the water, but she was able to swim ashore. She was unable to shoot the croc because of water in her gun, and she passed out instead on the shore but the croc left her there and went back into the water. Steve and Terri next captured a deadly King Brown cobra snake that was in the road. It was the most venomous in Australia, and Steve didn’t want to get bit in his private parts. Terri emptied out the entire truck to retrieve the snake catching bag so again Steve had to politely tell her to hurry up so he didn’t get bit. They planned to relocate the King Brown cobra in the mountains away from people. In their Landover, Jo and the other USA agents camped in the outback. They lost transmission to the beacon. They were able to get the signal back and followed it to Brozzie’s property. It seemed to them that the beacon was underwater (in the croc’s stomach). Reynolds went to an embassy meeting while his assistant stayed behind to help out otherwise Reynolds’ absence would expose a possible leak in the department. Steve and Terri went out on the river to search for Brozzie’s croc, which they found when it lunged at Steve who was out of the boat on the riverbank. Terri had difficulty getting the boat started at first to help her husband out, but after a short time Steve was able to get back in safely. Steve finally roped the jaw of the aggressive croc, which managed to jerk Steve into the water and dragged him along. He swam for his life back to the safety of the boat as the croc chased him, as the croc continued towing the boat to the shallows. Steve jumped onto the croc’s back and wrestled with it while Terri, who didn’t have the strength to help Steve too much, struggled to tie the croc’s jaws shut. Steve nearly broke his neck when the croc carried him under the boat so Steve yelled to Terri to help out and get the boat off his neck. Finally, Steve and Terri were able to pull the croc into the boat and restrain it. Jo reported back to Ansell that she would get the black box before the male CIA agents. They searched for the beacon at the river, but then were chased by Brozzie’s dogs. Brozzie woke up and shot at the agents, and the Irwins heard the gunshots too who were also nearby Brozzie’s property. Steve believed that the gunshots were from poachers, so he planned to return to the area after the croc was safely relocated in order to educate people in the “Steve-O” way on how important crocs were to the environment and why they needed to be protected since they weren’t man-eating creatures and how crocs were only aggressive after being terrorized by people. Jo told Brozzie they were with the government and flashed a badge, and Wheeler and Archer also lied that they were the ones sent to catch the croc. Brozzie didn’t believe it since the agents looked like city slickers, so she took Jo to the house with her so Brozzie could call Sam and verify that the agents were who they said they were. The dogs kept watch on Wheeler and Archer, who used a dog whistle (Arctic wolves past mission) on them to hold them at bay and get back to the truck and drive off to follow the beacon’s signal that was now moving away from the area. Reynolds attended a government meeting, where they discussed how the husband and wife duo were suspects after investigating the Irwin’s travel history in the 90’s to 2000 to places such as Indonesia, Timor, South America and Africa and they could be government spies. They had full access to the military at the US Air Force bases in Florida and Arizona, and the agents in Australia reported back and confirmed that the Irwins had the missing SE-2020 satellite black box. The bigwigs didn’t believe the Irwins were just out croc hunting because they announced in 2001 that they were renovating their Australian zoo for $40 million and it was printed in several newspapers worldwide, and they couldn’t earn that money from airing their cable TV zoo show. Back down under, Steve’s dad taught him how to transport crocs successfully in a wooden box crate safely for all involved, so Steve and Terri loaded the crate into their truck and planned to relocate the aggressive creature to the Thomson river system far away from the poachers. Wheeler and Archer then chased the Irwins in their truck, and Steve believed the agents were die-hard poachers and so Steve refused to stop. Trigger-happy Wheeler fired off his gun and Archer rear-ended them with his Land Rover. Wheeler jumped onto the roof of the Irwins’ truck, so Terri took the wheel as Steve climbed out the window. In the process, the container holding the deadly spider popped open and it crawled onto Terri’s face and she flung it on the windshield and swerved the truck in doing so which made Wheeler lose his gun he held on her husband. Steve and Wheeler had a fistfight on the roof until Steve threw Wheeler off and he landed hard in the road. Wheeler kept hold of the rope and was dragged behind the truck, so Steve took out the deadly snake from the back of his truck and held it out to bite Wheeler’s hand who reluctantly let go of the rope. When Wheeler did let go of the rope, Archer ran over Wheeler but Wheeler was between the wheels of the vehicles and appeared not to be hurt. Jo locked Brozzie in the bathroom of her home and then used dynamite to blow up Brozzie’s barn since Brozzie had chains on the door and Jo couldn’t get the door open to get the glider plane out. Jo took off in the stolen Aussie plane then and flew to find the beacon. Steve and Terri unloaded the croc into the boat. Steve then dug through the croc’s poop inside the crate and found the beacon and thought it was a metal toy. He blamed the poachers since crocs couldn’t digest metal. Terri held onto the valuable foreign object that contained the government secret spy information for Steve to study later. Sam arrived at Brozzie’s ranch just as she broke down the bathroom door. She told Sam his department would pay for the replacement of her barn, and then they headed to the river with all her dogs in the back of Sam’s truck. Archer and Wheeler found the Irwin truck by the side of the river, so they investigated. Wheeler found the baby kangaroo left all alone and it was sitting on the front passenger seat still wrapped in a Terri’s shirt. Wheeler then reached in to the driver’s side open window and pulled out the food container next to the baby kangaroo thinking it was food. He was freaked out when the spider emerged so he dropped the container on the ground and shot at the large venomous bird-eating spider as it ran off under the truck. Deputy Director Ansell called from his USA post to check in on Jo. Jo, in the stolen hang glider airborne in Australia updated her boss and promised to take everyone out and leave no evidence behind. Steve and Terri released the croc in its new Thomson River home, and then Archer and Wheeler followed them in their boat. Steve pretended to still have the croc in the boat so he and Terri could lure who they thought were poachers away from the croc. Jo threw sticks of dynamite at Wheeler and Archer from the air, so the agents shot at her. Steve thought it was a battle between poachers, not knowing it was different department USA Agents battling each other, so Steve turned back to take care of the poachers (agents) in the boat and make sure the croc didn’t get hurt but then Jo dynamite circled back around in mid air and she hit her target and the agents’ boat capsized. Steve and Terri fled, and Jo dropped dynamite at them. Jo then attempted to use her dynamite on the Irwins. However, Steve lassoed rogue agent Jo’s glider with a rope and it nosedived into the water after he attached it to his boat. They didn’t wait around to find the survivor as Steve believed it was a male poacher not a evil female spy agent flying the machine shooting dynamite at them. Steve and Terri drove past Wheeler and Archer stuck in the middle of the river (where the Irwins had just released the monster croc) in their boat and commented that the hunters (poachers) soon become the hunted at the jaws of the croc according to nature’s way. The CIA called the Defense Department after Wheeler and Archer failed their mission. Brozzie and Sam fished the downed glider out of the water with no agents in site. Brozzie sent her dogs out to search the area in case Jo was alive because she didn’t want that wicked woman escaping just punishment after destroying Brozzie’s life and home and endangering her four legged children. Wheeler and Archer made it to their Land Rover vehicle only to find Brozzie’s dogs waiting for them in the backseat. Jo swam ashore without being croc bait too. Soon after, Jo received a call on her cell phone from government boss Ansell, who informed her that the Pentagon would get involved the following day and told her that she needed to disappear from their failed mission. Ansell bragged that nobody could trace it back to him, but then as he spoke from his vehicle, he was put in the spotlight and surrounded by the police and put under arrest, so Jo knew not to return to the USA. President George W. Bush was seen from the White House office and ordered all armed forces to pick up the satellite SE-2020 black box no matter what they had to do to Steve-O to get it. Innocent enough, the Irwins made a small camp in the outback, where Terri bottle-fed the baby kangaroo and Steve played ball with Sui using the USA government satellite black box as a toy. They preached about taking care of the planet and its animals as though on one of their cable TV shows. Out of the blue, a dozen black-ops military helicopters surrounded the Aussie couple in the Queensland outback. Steve couldn’t understand why the army wanted to play with what he thought was a kids’ metal toy. In the end, Brozzie joined Fauna and Fisheries as a volunteer and helped feed the crocs instead of shoot them. The US government assigned Wheeler and Archer to work at the Australian Zoo for no wages. This movie had a budget of $12 million and grossed over $33 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Ebert & Roeper and the Movies, “Two thumbs up!”  The movie was released months after 9/11.


Copyright © 2017 Makayla Jane - All Rights Reserved.

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