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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/28/23

TITLE: The Wild 

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This movie is not suitable for God’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006 Walt Disney Pictures/Nigel Productions/Hoytyboy Pictures/Sir Zip Productions/Contrafilm/C.O.R.E. Digital Productions/Buena Vista Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This animated cartoon movie took place in the New York Zoo. The leader of the zoo animals was a lion named Samson. His young son, Ryan, felt embarrassed that he couldn’t roar like Samson, and so he wanted to escape to “the wild,” where Samson said he lived, so, little Ryan could find his roar. While Samson and his animal friends (Benny the squirrel, Bridget the giraffe, Nigel the koala, and Larry the anaconda) competed in a turtle-curling game (using Donald the turtle as the curling stone) against the penguins, a hippo calf named Eze and a young kangaroo named Duke convinced Ryan to chase the gazelles so he could get a taste of the wild. However, the game took a turn for the worse when the gazelles stampeded out onto the ice just as Samson’s team was about to claim victory. Samson and Ryan argued, and Ryan decided to run away to the wild. Ryan fell asleep inside a Zoo Africa Rescue transport box, and changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to leave the zoo when the workers locked the box not knowing Ryan was inside. Samson told Benny to get him the pigeons. Hamir the Indian pigeon, with his wife and other pigeons dancing to Hindustani music in the background, informed them that Ryan, inside the “green box,” was being taken across New York Harbor and by sunrise would be gone forever. Samson and his friends embarked on a rescue mission. They hitched a ride in the back of a garbage truck into New York City (and lost Benny along the way when he fell out of the truck), where a pack of three rabid stray dogs chased after them and they escaped into the sewer system. They encountered two crocodiles, Stan and Carmine, who led them out of the sewer. They made it to the harbor, but they were too late and the ship carrying Ryan already left. Samson scared off the human driving a small boat, and they steered it after the big ship. Benny hitched a ride to the boat on a flock of Canadian geese. Nigel asked the geese if it was true that Canada had lax immigration policies for koalas, and then the Canadian geese agreed to lead the zoo animals in the direction of the big ship. They eventually crashed on the shore of an island (think Madagascar in New York City and on the island) and realized that wild animals from the island were being rescued and transported to the zoo in the green boxes before the volcano exploded. Ryan escaped from his box into the jungle beyond, and the zoo animals chased after him but lost sight of him. Samson left to find Ryan by himself after the other animals discovered that he lied about being from the wild. Samson’s friends encountered a wildebeest, which took them to the volcano. The wildebeest started worshiping Nigel because they believed he was their leader, the Great Him, according to the Omen of when a talking plush replica of Nigel (which was the best-selling item in the NY Zoo) fell from the sky and the wildebeests waited for the day when the koala would arrive and transform them from prey to predator. Two vultures, Scab and Scraw, appeared with the news that they spotted a lion cub (Ryan). Nigel mentioned that there was a second lion (Samson), and Kazar ordered for Blag to bring the lions to the volcano because they couldn’t ascend to the top of the food chain until they ate a lion. Scab and Scraw found Ryan and started attacking him, and his shouts led Samson to him. Samson scared the vultures away and was reunited with his son. He told Ryan the truth that when he was a cub, his dad, Jason, expected a mighty roar from him. However, Samson only had a tiny meow just like Ryan, and so he was shipped off to the zoo and decided to lie from then on that he came from the wild so nobody would know the truth about him. The wildebeest knocked Samson over a cliff and captured Ryan to take him to the volcano. Samson survived the fall, and Benny found him and gave him a pep talk to go find his son and his friends. Nigel debated between “God, friends, god, friends…” but it was too late because the wildebeests were already preparing the fire for the sacrifices of Ryan, Bridget, and Larry. Samson and the others showed up. Samson and Ryan fought Kazar (think of Simba fighting Scar in The Lion King), but they were both injured. Kazar ordered the wildebeests to attack the lions, but they instead turned on Kazar. He decided he would kill the lions himself, but Samson unleashed a roar that held Kazar off, and the volcano started crumbling. It exploded just moments after the wildebeests and the zoo animals made it safely back onto their boat and headed home to the zoo. This movie had a budget of $80 million and grossed over $102 million at the box office. 

ONE OF TWO  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/27/23

TITLE: Dear Dictator

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children. The rating ought to be R.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 Fortitude Films/Hector Corp/Defiant Pictures/Coastal Film Studios/

Universal Pictures/Cinedigm

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie started with Anton Vincent, dictator at the Imperial Palace, who looked like Castro but had a British accent, opening his postal mail. He opened one letter from a sixteen-year-old Tatiana Miles in Derbyville, Georgia with a human baby stamp and white lettering and white skulls on the black envelope. The next scene had head-banging music playing with mannequins giving middle fingers and eyes cut out of photos on a bedroom wall.This was the room of teenage Tatiana, who got dressed from the clothes scattered all over the floor listening to song lyrics like “Give me a bomb,” as she picked up black shirts that said “Don’t look at me,” and “I hate everyone.” Tatiana’s mom was dressed in scrubs and left messages for someone on his voicemail calling him sexpot and telling him she was in love with him. Tatiana decided to wear camoflauge, black fingernails, and black army type way too high heel boots (with red stars to match Vincent’s communist country flag) to school. However, in their yellow electric car inside the garage, they were unable to get the door open since it was jammed, so they had to manually open and close the garage door. Three neighbors watched from their lawn chairs. In the car, Darlene argued with Tatiana about how mom was sleeping with a soon-to-be divorced married man and left him love messages. Tatiana messed up her hair on purpose, and reminded her mom that she was the one who took Tatiana to get her nose piercing when her mom complained that she didn’t like it. Inside the school, Tatiana got a drink from the water fountain. In line to get water were three mean girls on their cell phones with their shirts showing their abdomens (one teen actually showed her pink panties high above the waist of her jeans.) Dozens of pieces of chewed gum were stuck under the sink, so Tatiana took one piece and put it in her mouth and started chewing it in front of the mean girls. Darlene at her job spoke to her dentist boss Charles (the one she was in love with) and she tried to bring up the message she left for him but he told her not to discuss it in the workplace. Dentist Charles then told her about his collection of Hot Wheels toy cars on display where they both worked in his office. In the school library, a male student approached Tats in her “Eat me,” t-shirt. She told him that the books from his church that he gave her to read were like torture porn. She didn’t want to read about the place (hell) where her skanky mom was going to end and said she was the biggest slut in the game. Denny gave Tats the church book, “The Exit To Hell,” and put Post-It notes on what he called the good parts, where the devil was a parasite that ate people from the inside out. In Social Studies class, the sophomores finished their projects of personally corresponding in letterform with luminaries who influenced each of the students, proving that teenagers could in fact survive the ancient art of letter writing. The students took turns saying “whom,” they selected to write to. One male student said Mark Zuckerberg because he was so rich, and Tatiana revealed that she wrote to the dictator, Anton Vincent. The teacher, now a bit concerned, lectured Tatiana that she was supposed to write to somebody she admired and was a role model. Tatiana responded that she admired Vincent’s style. The teacher went on to say he was an evil person and Tatiana shouldn’t be admiring him, and she replied so were the Khmer Rouge (communist organization opposing the Cambodian government) whom she also thought had good style. Teacher Spines schooled the classroom that there was a reason that twenty-seven countries united to overthrow Vincent. Mr. Spines said Vincent was a horrible person, but Tatiana countered that he looked cool. In his country, as Vincent was chaffeuered to an unknown location, where one of his soldiers told him that evidence wasn’t on the accused people’s computers (because they didn’t have computers) and added it was by Vincent’s own order that the executions happened anyway. The soldier ran after Vincent, who drove off as he witnessed the guns being fired at the innocent people. The dictator fled the scene of the crime because the soldier misunderstood that the army was only to execute the people if evidence of a traitorous crime was found on their computers. After school, Tatiana got the mail out of the mailbox and found a brown paper package with a handwritten note from communist Vincent himself on the official letterhead welcoming Tatiana to the Revolution. Inside the box was a gift of an armband sporting Vincent’s country flag, which Tatiana immediately put on. Meanwhile, to pass the time, Darlene sat in the dental chair at the office while Dr. Charles licked her bare toes and she moaned and groaned while he did so. The dentist told Darlene that his wife, Patty, wouldn’t let him do that to her because she thought it was strange. Darlene took out her cell phone and videoed Dr. Charles doing that to her feet, and he told her to keep recording and he would watch it at home later on. Darlene then got an incoming call and told the dentist to hold his dirty thoughts. In her mom’s garage, Tatiana and her male friend, Denny, were about to rock out with their guitars. They discussed if Tatiana and Vincent were to become pen pals would the dictator write to her about how many people he had tortured that week. Tatiana replied that he couldn’t be that bad because he sent her a free armband. Back in his communist country, Vincent gave a speech telling his people that when they got their freedom from the dirty capitalist swine, they were now still trying to recover from their shortages of milk, gas, bread, and soap. He asked the people to sacrifice as he himself sacrificed because he recently learned that his brother-in-arms sold military secrets to the United States. Then the dictator hung the spy as he spoke in front of the people so they could all witness what happened to a “traitor.” Vincent said for that, he blamed the enemy, and then he pointed at the dead man hanging above him. He told the people they could take away their friends, but they couldn’t take away their spirit and it was homeland or death. When somebody in the crowd screamed that Vincent didn’t belong in their country, he ordered his soldiers to shoot the man who said that. Denny told Tatiana he couldn’t practice their music next week because he was going on a Bible retreat. She tried to kiss him after he said he worshipped on the retreat, and he didn’t accept the kiss very well. He told Tatiana that it was just her temptation and she could shun it if she wanted to and said that the Lord would show her the way. As supposed to be Christian Denny wore a big cross around his neck he stepped to the microphone and sang in a death metal voice “Rape it,” and repeated that one lyric twelve times.Later on, as Tatiana drew black crosses on the front of her notebook, Darlene came home with Subway for dinner. She kicked Tatiana’s boot and asked what the hell was wrong with her because she got a call from her school principal saying the exact words, that Darlene’s kid was a total fu**-up and that Tatiana needed more guidance, as though it was Darlene’s fault. Darlene continued her rant and told Tatiana to try having a kid when she was a teen in high school, like Darlene did, and see how well Tatiana would do raising a teen baby. Tatiana sarcastically said no thanks. Darlene went on about how Tatiana was writing to a crazy dictator as a school project. Darlene turned around and revealed her tramp stamp of a heart with a snake around it on her lower back to Tatiana, telling her daughter that she used to be a rebel once herself. Tatiana didn’t want any part of that, but Darlene kept sticking her butt in Tatiana’s face and told her to look where that got her mom. Later on, as Tatiana listened to heavy punk rock music lying on the floor writing in her notebook, Darlene barged in and told her they were going out together. Tatiana knew the reason was because her mom was afraid that Charles was cheating on her, not with his wife, but another woman, and Darlene wanted to find out if it was true by spying on him. They did a stakeout outside Charles’ house. Darlene told Tatiana to go look in his windows because he said he was going to be home but he never returned any of Darlene’s texts. Mom told her camouflaged soldier daughter wearing Vincent’s armband to go scout out the scene and report back what she saw. Tatiana snuck past the darkness of the bushes and climbed over the porch railing. She touched the windowsill and an alarm went off, so she ran back to the car, but she fell in her crazy boots she could hardly walk in. She made it back to the car and they made a quick getaway. Tatiana gave Darlene an update telling her that Charles was there with his lovely wife and two kids. Darlene replied that they weren’t even his kids, and were his wife’s from another marriage. She said his wife Patty wasn’t so lovely, and added that she was a psycho bit** and spent all of Charles’ money and acted like…Tatiana broke in like what, like she was married to him?At that moment, Tatiana realized she lost her communist armband in the getaway, so she told Darlene they had to go back to retrieve it. However, Charles found it on his lawn and took it inside with him and Darlene kept driving on home. The next day, Tatiana wrote back to Vincent, lying that she was still wearing the armband even though her mom hated it, but she hated her mom so that made them even, but then she told him the truth about the armband and added that she hoped everything was going well with his country. Tatiana got an official sealed letter response from Vincent in the mail, where he told her that he had a daughter a little older than Tatiana, and he and his daughter didn’t always get along either. He went on to say that things weren’t going well in his country at that time because there was a rebel faction that wanted to overthrow the government and behead Vincent and his family. He added that he was stressed out and felt he couldn’t trust anyone. In class, Tatiana’s teacher discussed George Washington and Tatiana wrote her response to Vincent at her desk telling him that she could totally relate because she got dicked over by a teacher for writing to a dictator at her loser-dom school. She told him about the group of girls there who called themselves “slushies,” which stood for “sluts and lushes.” She explained Sarvia was the one they all worshipped, who thought that whale tails (y-shaped rear portion of a thong or G-string when visible above the waistline of low-rise pants, shorts, and skirts…resembling a whale’s tail) were the in thing, which made everybody else copy her. She said how sorry she was that people wanted to kill Vincent and his family and asked him his favorite color. Vincent replied that Tatiana’s letters were sunshine to his world and shared that in addition to making threats of invasion, the United States supported the rebel army and had placed an embargo around his country’s borders and was impossible for goods to go in or out. The Dictator went on to say that his people could not get medical supplies and many people were dying. Vincent added that his favorite color was purple. Tatiana responded she liked purple too and wanted to know if the embargo prevented him from downloading cool music. Then Tatiana suggested that she rip a cd for his daughter and wanted to know if she liked classic 80’s hardcore and bands such as the Meatmen, the Dead Kennedys, Gangrene, Dead Milkmen, the Butthole Surfers and Agent Orange or the Circle Jerks. Meanwhile, as her daughter is left alone again to write to a very questionable soul, mom is dancing in her short shorts inside the medical office while Dr. Charles is filming her lower body on his phone. Vincent replied thanking Tatiana for her lively music because his daughter enjoyed it. Vincent then says the rebels surrounded the capital. Tatiana responds that it may be psycho because the two never met but adds that sometimes she felt like that man is the only one she can relate to. Back in his country, Vincent is dealing with posters of himself that were painted over to make him look like the devil with words “Death to Satan,” and told Tatiana that his correspondence with her would be less frequent. So then Tatiana writes back and tells him she is not happy to hear that and included a picture that she drew which resembled a cat devil and she added, “Death to cute.” Later on, Tatiana hears her mom crying in the bathroom and knocked on the door and told her mom she better not be on cough syrup again. Tatiana opened the door to find out what happened. Darlene told her daughter that her boss boyfriend fired her because she added too much stress to his life. Tatiana didn’t want the sex details but told her mom that she thought it safe to say that Mr. Sexpot dentist was not her ticket to the American Dream and consoled her mama for her poor choice. In the next scene, a riot breaks out in Vincent’s country inside the Imperial Castle so he grabbed a bag and stuffed cash and documents from a safe while aircraft flew over, glass shattered and gunfire was heard around him. At the Georgia high school, as an adult man looking like ZZ Top wannabe with a short pony tail and long grey beard walked past a kissing couple in the hallway, Tatiana came to the area and broke up the love scene between Denny and Sarvia. Sarvia told Tatiana that Denny and her were busy all night “sex” which is why he didn’t answer his cell phone after he got back from Jesus camp. Tatiana said she wrote back to the Dictator when Denny was gone. Sarvia chimed in and said she read on Twitter that her little Dictator friend was probably dead by now because the USA droned the crap out of his country that morning and taunts her further by saying that everything is all blown up. Next, Tatiana watched on TV as a KSDD female newscaster reported live from the devastating country where flags and vehicles were burning saying the palace of the communist dictator Anton Vincent had been under siege for the past three days. U.S. backed island nationals have ousted what would be the last of the colonial families. It stated Vincent was still unaccounted for. She went on to say the islanders were now shelling his palace and pillaging his residence. Darlene came home and scolded her daughter for skipping school and then shut the TV off. Tatiana left and went into the garage to bang on her guitar. Denny came through the garage door and Tatiana asked about Sarvia. Denny told her Sarvia was a name from the Old Testament. Tatiana said Sarvia’s dad must be proud of his daughter then. Denny replied that Sarvia and him had sex last night. Denny explained that Sarvia brought some Molly on their Bible camp trip and they took it and it became crazy. Then he told Tatiana he was going to hell for it. Tatiana didn’t believe him and thought he lied. He said he wished he were and that Sarvia made him record the whole thing. He pulled out his phone to show Tatiana and she didn’t want to see it so he texted it to her anyway in hopes that it would purge him. Tatiana in tears chased Denny out of her garage and screamed at him to get the fu@k out (using that language) as she followed him to the drive. Denny walked off but then a man grabbed Tatiana from behind and held his hand over her mouth and dragged her back into the garage and quickly closed it after he threw the underage girl to the floor. The dictator told Tatiana not to make a sound. After she recognized him, Vincent told Tatiana to get him some food, water and a computer to use for the World Wide Web. He told Tatiana not to do anything foolish because if she did and they found him there, they would both be dead. With mom in the kitchen drinking a beer to drown her sorrows, Tatiana raided the refrigerator for her uninvited communist intruder hidden in the garage. Tatiana only brought candy and a canned Red Bull drink to Vincent and told him he would have to wait till Darlene left for him to use the WWW Interent because the computer was in her bedroom. Vincent said he came alone and that his daughter was hidden on the island and he was waiting to contact his comrades tomorrow, with Tatiana’s help. As Tatiana slept in her bed, Vincent used the computer. Darlene yelled for Tatiana to get ready for school. Vincent told Tatiana to tell her mom that she was sick because he said that Tatiana would learn far more with him than schooled by the U.S. educational system. Tatiana went to the kitchen with her sleep shirt “piss off” and told her mom she was sick. Darlene asked if her daughter was on meth. Tatiana told her mom that she needed to find another job anyway and that if she didn’t work she couldn’t eat. Mom replied to worry about herself and called her daughter missy. Back in Tatiana’s room, Vincent explained that his comrades are waiting on his instructions because Vincent is organizing a revolutionary force so he could retake the capital. Then he asked for Tatiana’s help and told her that she was very capable of helping him. Darlene left the house screaming to her daughter that if she left the house when she was out job hunting she would kick her daughter in the butt when she got back. Tatiana replied, “love you too, mom.” Vincent then picked up where he left off speaking to young Tatiana and asked for her video camera. The dictator said Americans fill their homes with things they don’t need. Tatiana said they don’t have a video camera but cell phones with cameras on them. Tat asked if hostages were involved because she was uncool with that and the dictator replied no. Vincent then asked for a clean shirt. Tat gave him “Glitzy, the revolutionary toothpaste” t-shirt that her mom got at a dental convention. Tatiana filmed Vincent with her phone as he spoke, “Comrades, countrymen, brothers-in-arms, Anton Vincent is alive and building an army of thousands. I will return and together, we will repel the invaders. Never give up. Never falter. Homeland or death.” Tatiana tried to add a classic revolt song after but Vincent didn’t want it. Vincent informed Tatiana that they must hand deliver a copy of the video to the offices of CNN. Vincent didn’t want to post the video online so Tatiana said she would burn a dvd and they could deliver it to the local news studio. They planned to ride bicycles to the CNN offices. Tatiana put Vincent in a disguise by shaving off his beard and gave him a wig with a fake mustache. Vincent rode Grandma’s altered bicycle and wasn’t happy it was a tricycle since Grandma didn’t know how to ride a bike. In her hoodie, Tatiana ran and taped the envelope they prepared on the local KSDD 3 news door and ran back behind the van where Vincent waited for her. Tatiana and Vincent decided to walk with their bikes to the mall to get more clothing for the dictator. Meanwhile, Darlene in her sunglasses and yellow car and purple hoody is spotted outside the dental office where Dr. Charles is taking his new African American assistant out to lunch. Darlene fumes from the curb calling the next victim of the dentist a hussy. At the mall, Vincent wandered over to Victoria Secret so Tatiana had to pull him away. The dictator told the young girl that only his tailor knew his size since he had been making his uniforms for 26 years. Tatiana waited around the dressing room as Vincent picked the outfit he felt most comfortable in, which was a blue and white exercise jacket and pants with a yellow shirt. As they exited the store, Tatiana told Vincent not to make eye contact with the security guard, so he didn’t. They both walk by and ignore the overweight security man who spoke to them. They made a run for it inside the mall. The security guy eventually caught up to them and yelled at them to stop when someone with a badge tells them to. The mall cop said he didn’t care who they were and only cared that they had a receipt so he could then punch hole it and give it back to them because that was store policy (how about all the people leaving the store while the security was chasing after Tatiana and Vincent?). Meanwhile, as dentist Charles and his new lady in pink scrubs walk out to the parking lot. Darlene, in her daisy dukes, met them there. Dr. Charles tells Darlene he owns the parking lot as well as the building and wanted to know why she was there. Darlene said she wanted things to go back to the way they were or she would sue him for sexual harassment and she would tell his wife, Patty. Darlene added that she had the video to prove it. Charles told Darlene she was insane and she responded that is why he liked her in the first place. Darlene walked away telling him to work it out but grabbed the (dictator’s) arm band off the dental assistant that Charles gave to her before leaving telling him it belonged to her daughter and not his newest sexpot assistant. As they returned home on bikes, Tatiana saw Denny banging on the garage calling her name. Vincent told Tatiana, who fell off her bike and landed hard in the bushes trying to hide, that if Denny didn’t see her worth then the relationship is not a good match and that he heard what Denny said about the other girl he was with in the garage the day he first met Tatiana. Later on, Vincent doctored up Tatiana’s arm injury and told the young girl that she was not a foot solider and was a commander in his army. He told Tatiana that she has power but doesn’t know how to weild it and that her classmates were bourgeoisie and she’s proletariat and that she must rise up and conquer. Tatiana said he didn’t go to Seely High School and the students there were like royalty. Vincent said it would be easy to topple because the masses despise royalty. Then, they went to Tatiana’s bedroom so he could use the WWW Internet. Tatiana explained to the dictator how to send a computer message online. Vincent told Tatiana that his people (the same ones that drove a tank through his house) needed him and that he will lead the revolution. Tatiana pointed out that “those people” just had a revolution to get rid of their dictator.Tatiana’s mom arrived home then and so the young girl hid Vincent in the closet of her bedroom. Because Tatiana acted strange and out of her usual character met her mom outside her bedroom door, Darlene suspected foul play and barged her way into the bedroom.  The mom sat on the bed and told her daughter that she didn’t like her hiding things from her and that when it came to the opposite sex she could lend her some pointers. Such as when you hide a guy in your room don’t put him in the closet or under the bed. Tatiana blocked the closet from her mom then and opened the door to see an elder man standing there so she screamed her head off. Vincent pushed Darlene on the bed and held his hand over her mouth telling her to stop screaming while Tatiana tried to tell her mom that she was going to tell her about Vincent all along. Vincent told Darlene he is a friend of her daughter’s while Tatiana told her mom that Vincent was not a creepy child molester. So as Tatiana told Darlene the man never tortured anyone but Vincent corrects her (because he had) and tells them both that “sometimes to protect the right of the majority you have to infringe the rights of the minority.” Darlene then had Vincent tell Tatiana the truth where he said he tortured the traitors who jeaopordized the security of thousands of citizens. Then Vincent told the females that there is blood on the hands of the USA so everyone could have a big TV screen because of the bad things this country has done to others around the world. He goes on to say that America is a country of greedy swine that just keep eating and eating and eating until we can’t speak. Vincent told Darlene (who is still lying down on the bed starring up at the man) that he would like to leave quietly as he came if Darlene doesn’t want him to stay. Darlene wanted privacy then to talk it over with her daughter. Out of the bedroom, Tatiana told Darlene that Vincent showed up around the time the school principal called her mom and she didn’t want her mom to fly off the handle even more. Tatiana also called the dictator a political refugee and by law the USA (we) is supposed to give Vincent asylum. So, Darlene relented then and let Vincent stay and hoped he could fix their garage door, which Vincent attempted to do. Tatiana brought Subway for the dictator to eat as he repaired the garage door and she also had a list of other things that Darlene wanted Vincent to do around the house. Vincent (now hooked on colored powder) asked for more of the Fun Dust candy. Tatiana spoke to Vincent about how he thought she had the power to change things at her school. The topic changed to how Vincent never watched movies and Tatiana said he missed out and said Maniac Cop 2 was her favorite and described it by telling him that it is about a cop that died and came back to life and led a revolution with the guys on death row. She recommended the 2nd movie in the series because the 1stwas not as political. Vincent got down to business then to discuss what mattered and taught Tatiana about factions using weird dolls to make his point, “let’s assume the factions in your school orbit around the ones you have dubbed slushies. How is it that the few always rule the many? Two methods: love and fear. Many must love these slushes, and many more must fear them. Either way, it creates the same effect—they have power, and they use it to maintain a stable state. What happens if you disrupt that power with swift, decisive action? Confusion. The masses won’t have a figurehead to love and fear, and they need one. It’s human nature. There’s infighting, revolt, chaos. You must gird yourself for blood in the streets (metaphorically). Some innocents will, ‘metaphorically’, fall. But this cannot sway a determined leader. When the moment is ripe, like a grape, you will crush the fruit. The mere presence of authority will return the state to its natural order.” Vincent told Tatiana about the term, “coup d’etat,” the seizure of power from the establishment, and said that the school could be the “coup d’Tatiana,” for her. As Viva la Revolution by the Adicts played, Tatiana used the now working garage door (Vincent smiling on his bedding there) to leave for school early (still dark outside) and put her plan into action. Tatiana covered a portrait of George Washington on the wall in her classroom with a pink and white stencil and red spray paint, “Sariva rules.” The delinquent child then went to other parts of the public high school building and graffitied the same words on school property and returns home. Later on as though nothing happened in the wee hours of the morning, Tatiana showed Darlene the garage door was fixed. Vincent said it was the same wiring as the bombs the enemy dropped on his country. Darlene hugged Vincent and drove her daughter off to school then. The mom tried to tell her daughter in the car about fantasy sex scene where Vincent tied her up but her daughter silenced her from saying more. After Tatiana exited the vehicle at school, Mr. Spines (teacher in Social Studies) stopped Darlene to speak to her before she left (added she looked more like an older sister than mother to Tatiana). Mr. Spines asked her out for herbal tea and when he clarified it wasn’t a date, but more of a discussion about Tatiana’s home life to learn more about Tatiana’s background, Darlene drove away and told him to learn about how to shove sand up his butt. As Sarvia is sucking on Denny’s neck on school grounds, the Principal found her and told her to report to her office (not because of her sexual relationship at school but because of the graffiti with Sarvia’s name around school). Meanwhile, in her notebook, Tatiana reviews her “Coup de Tatiana” plan. 1. Take out leader, 2. Foment Unrest, 3. Assume Authority. Tatiana then crossed out #1 from her list. Tatiana took it to the next step and went around spreading lies to the other students about Sarvia to gain control and made up lie after lie to make things believable. She used Sarvia’s two best friends, Chivas and Gigi to turn the tide in her favor and against their queen bee Sarvia. The two besties brought up the time in Hlton Head where Sarvia got the two busted when they were tripping all together. Tatiana crossed off #2 on her list afterward. Vincent mowed the lawn in a borrowed female sun hat (Easter bonnet). A man approached him and asked him if Vincent wanted to earn 50 bucks and a 6 pack of Corona. Vincent responds in Spanish, yes. However, once the man recognizes Vincent is not Latino, they converse in English. The neighbor asked Vincent to do his lawn too. The neighbor told Vincent that Darlene’s parents left her the house and after two years of living there, Darlene and her kid turned it into a disaster and called the result of Darlene’s parenting a disaster as well. Darlene, now back to work at the dental office of Dr. Charles, pushed the other assistant out of her space roughly, which seemed to have turned the adult male patient in the chair on (cat fight). That evening, Darlene tells Vincent and Tatiana at the dinner table she is jazzed because she got her old job back and thanked Vincent for mowing the lawn. The dictator replied he also mowed the neighbor’s grass. Tatiana shared her accomplishment then which was deposing the “slushes” at her school. She added step 3 was to seize power and she was working on that.Vincent told Darlene that Tatiana is not like most Americans that accept what they are fed, Mega-plexes, McMansions, mortgages, and in the end…they accept death. Vincent said like Tatiana, a rebel, never accepts. But instead, a rebel questions, challenges, and charges and in that event, Tatiana (communist in the making) will not die. With the TV on in the background, KSDD then played Vincent’s video live where the newscasters televise that experts were still investigating the authenticity of the video and how it was left anoyomously at On Scene News KSDD. It was broadcast that Vincent’s whereabouts were currently unknown and suspected that he was hiding out in the mountains outside the capital. Right after that was breaking news about Jennifer Lawrence and an incident that prompted the Oscar winner to vamp up security. Vincent tells the females it was only a matter of time before his comrade buddies contacted him and wanted to have a celebration meal that they cooked and not an American fast food takeout. Tatiana told Vincent that her mom doesn’t cook so Vincent cooked and told the females a story about the siege of 1992 where in the mountains they had to forge and cook for themselves. He then asked Darlene for chocolate and Tat to go get dried cayenne pepper out of his uniform pocket. Tatiana found the pepper in his pocket but noticed his briefcase underneath and decided to snoop. She found all the letters she ever wrote to him then and a wad of cash and some photographs of an older teen girl. Vincent served the dinner he cooked and explained he learned the mole Maria recipe from a Latina in hideout. Darlene took a photo of the meal because it is so pretty. Outside the house, a car pulled up and started snapping photos unbeknownst to the partygoers inside. Darlene told Vincent as they did dishes that she was never married. Vincent said his wife died but they were separated at the time. Vincent added that he was a good leader of men but a bad companion of women. Darlene said she was like him but the opposite. Vincent then compliments Darlene for how she raised her only daughter. Miss Miles (aka very questionable parent to say the least) then said goodnight to communist General Vincent after telling him that he makes her want to be a better person. The next day at school, Tatiana cut in the lunch line to be in front of Gigi and Chaves and was then called, “maxipad” again by the questionable girls. Tatiana (with her communist armband) bent down then and pulled out her tampon and held the bloody menstrual product up for all to see telling everyone she doesn’t use maxi pads and then throws the nasty tampon into Gigi’s face. Students then claimed Tatiana totally “Red-Lobstered” the mean girl Gigi and seemed to have an instant change of heart about Tatiana. As Gigi lay on the floor and tried to get up, Tatiana finished her off by pulling on the whale tail thong high above Gigi’s jeans and ripped Gigi’s underwear out of her pants and then held it up to the other students as her prize, claiming whale tails are the opiates of the masses! The students all cheered for Tatiana. Next, #3 was crossed off Tatiana’s list to obtain power over all. Vincent mowed the lawn again. Darlene helped Charles sedate Teddy (man) in the dental chair. Dr. Charles called Darlene out as soon as Teddy was out cold, and wanted Darlene to do the things they used to during times such as that. Darlene made sexual comments as Dr. Charles removed her shoe and sock while she bent over the patient laid back in the chair. The dentist then started slurping on her toes. On the computer Internet, Vincent used Tatiana’s laptop to listen to the news about coalition forces still searching for clues to the whereabouts of Anton Vincent and as the soldiers do so, they are terrorized innocent families for answers. One soldier demanded to know where the life size cardboard photo of Katniss from the Hunger Games came from. Darlene got home early from work and asked Vincent to go out for drinks so they could laugh their butts off and could go to a secluded placed that nobody would recognize them. In his wig, Vincent and Darlene played mini golf around a children’s play area and discussed how that was the only place Dr. Charles ever took Darlene because he knew his wife would never show up there. In her daisy duke shorts, Darlene told Vincent that Charles sucked worse then he did and that sometimes she wished she could be a lesbian because she spent her whole life chasing men as though they could ever fix her problems but realized they are just men. She added that there are no girl rapists or serial killers except for the one chick they made a movie about but that didn’t count because she looked like a dude. She then asked when was the last time Vincent heard about a woman child molester. Darlene added that when there’s an Amber Alert, they are not looking for a 5’2 blonde driving a VW Bug. Darlene said women don’t have that whole power trip deal (but clearly that is the movie talking), and then claimed that there had never been a lady dictator either. Vincent responded that some women married to dictators carried on after their husbands died. He agreed that men had always written history but not always justly. Vincent instructed that women that felt like Darlene ought to just take power and if women did better then he would be the first to applaud them. Darlene got up from her seat and Vincent whispered that an adult in the shadows of the toddler ride was watching them. He told her to drop her golf club and follow him out of the building. Back in the garage at Darlene’s house, communist Vincent told Tatiana that he paid 3 cents plus shipping and handling for the book she was currently reading and that it should be read by every military leader. Vincent told Tatiana to now expand her power base and get the teachers under her yoke. Vincent called Tatiana out on Denny since she had emotion for him and believed he could be a threat. Tatiana denied her feelings for Denny and added that Denny is too afraid of his dad to be a threat to anyone. Tatiana then said that Denny’s dad was a superhero-level Christian and that his dad would ground him for life if he found out Denny had sex with Sarvia. The dictator then told Tatiana to expose Denny. Tatiana said she was upset with Denny but exposing him would be too harsh. Vincent replied that is why you do it, to make them fear you is just as good, if not better than making them love you. Tatiana told Vincent to focus on his own revolution then since his men are not exactly punctual in getting back to him. Vincent slammed his hand on the makeshift desk and asked Tatiana if she were questioning the loyalty of his men. He told her they were regrouping in the mountains and he could hear from them at any hour. Tatiana told him to calm down and not to pitch a hissy fit then and blocked him out with her earbuds and her own questionable choice of music entertainment.  

TWO OF TWO .

DATE REVIEWED: 3/27/23

TITLE: Dear Dictator

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children. The rating ought to be R.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 Fortitude Films/Hector Corp/Defiant Pictures/Coastal Film Studios/

Universal Pictures/Cinedigm

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

 In the next scene, shirtless Denny was in his bedroom with a cross-outlined on his upper chest and a boxcutter razorblade in his hand. Denny then went to the mirror and prayed, “Please, Father, relieve my burden.” Before Dennis could cut himself, his dad yelled for him to wash the dishes downstairs. Denny told his dad he was just saying his prayers and then went downstairs to do his chores. Tatiana at school, with her communist armband again, told herself that she won the human race and then walked into the building. Inside, many students are looking at video on their phones and giggling in the hallways and classrooms. Tatiana then asked one of the boys after she saw part of the video where naked Denny is having sex with Sarvia, where the boy got the video. He replied that Tatiana forwarded to everyone and thought she was lying about not knowing who sent it. She then went to find Denny (the boy said he was probably digging his own grave) who was sitting in his white double cab pickup truck in the parking lot. Denny told Tatiana that she was supposed to be the only person who saw the video and that now his life was ruined and drove away when Tatiana tried to apologize. Tatiana left school and walked home and confronted Vincent for his cyber-bullying of Denny and told him that was the worst thing anyone could ever do to someone else. Vincent said there were worse things and was happy that Denny thought Tatiana did it. Vincent quoted Hamlet then, “Conscience doth make cowards of us all,” and told Tatiana that Hamlet was a leader for the ages. Tatiana reminded the dictator that he was assassinated. And Vincent replied that was a noble end. Vincent went back to fixing a rotating fan as Tatiana stormed out of the room telling Vincent to screw himself (he replied same to her). As Tatiana left a message for Denny on his phone, someone outside the house in the dark is spying on Darlene inside her bedroom doing yoga and taking video but then was tackled from behind while filming. Darlene and Tatiana heard commotion and groaning from the garage and went to investigate. They found Vincent standing over a man tied to a lawn chair. Vincent told the females that he knew the guy and that he was a government agent. However, Darlene and Tatiana told Vincent that it was Mr. Spines he had captured, a teacher at the local school, and not a federal agent. As soon as Tatiana took off the tape from the teacher’s mouth, Mr. Spines said he was not a spy but was concerned for Tatiana’s home lifestyle so he called CPS to investigate. Darlene was livid and questioned why he called CPS on her and he said it was a red flag when she refused to talk to him about Tatiana’s home situation. So the public school teacher illegally conducted his own investigation by breaking laws in order to gain information on his own that included stalking a family and invading privacy in hopes of obtaining something he could use against them, doctored video or even out of context, for his case. Since Mr. Spines was still tied up, Darlene then attacked him by dumping milk in his face in an attempt to choke or drown him. Tatiana screamed at her mom to stop her onslaught of terrorist torture (hard to breathe in his position with milk pouring into his mouth and nose) and Mr. Spines was then cut loose but left his camera behind. Later on that evening, Tatiana through eggs at her mom’s garage until the door opened and Vincent walked out. Tatiana called him a fraud then. Vincent said he wasn’t pretending to be anyone but himself and added he was what he was...a man with a past and with a future. Tatiana said torturing innocent souls in suburbia is not an awesome future. Vincent replied it was better for a man to lose his head than a country to lose a war. Tatiana told him the war was over. The dictator replied the war is never over. Tatiana asked what was next him blowing up her school. Vincent replied he was a rebel and will keep going until someone stopped him. He asked her if she would be that someone. Then the dictator mentioned that his daughter, Chloe, and him had an estranged relationship. He said Chloe was engaged to a man who we suspected of treason, a dissident, and a threat to the state. His daughter was in love with him. Vincent said he had the man executed and his own daughter, Chloe, spent three years in prison. He told Tatiana one must have the courage to do what one believes in, even if it hurts the ones that you love. Vincent then asked Tatiana if she had that kind of courage. Tatiana didn’t answer so Vincent told her that was sad because he thought her to be a rebel but it turned out she was just a punk. Tatiana walked away then. Darlene was mad and told Vincent some jack-wagon egged their house. The dictator watched TV where the female news anchor reported that it had been decades since the islanders in Vincent’s country had seen a free and fair election. She went on to say that turnout at the polls were said to be 90% and the mood on the streets is jubilant. And added it is as if the outcome doesn’t matter as long as Anton Vincent isn’t the winner. Vincent got up and walked out of the room as Darlene asked him about sugary food he might want for breakfast. Darlene realized that Vincent walked out of the house so she ran after him in her Pink Floyd bikini bottom underwear and tank top into the street as the two female and one male older neighbors looked at Darlene from their lawn and lawn chairs. Vincent rode Grandma’s special tricycle away. As Tatiana walked around school in a daze carrying her purple and yellow art backpack, she heard somebody yell that Denny was going to jump off the building and ran to the area. Denny told the students that he broke divine law by disobeying his Father and by taking his own life he was committing a second mortal sin. He said that was ok and the left leg of hell was too good for him and that he wanted to go all the way to the stomach where the worst people go (perhaps according to the bizarre books he read). Tatiana screamed for Denny to stop as the other students recorded Denny on their phones. Denny jumped then, and landed hard on the ground while the kids are still taking photographs with their phones and videoed the still body of Denny on the ground with no teachers in sight. Tatiana told the others to stop filming and taking photos and then Denny woke up with a lot of ow and pain. Tatiana commanded someone then to dial 911 because still there were no faculty members present. Darlene picked up Tatiana from school early where the fire trucks and first responders were still there. She told her mom that “Christian” Denny jumped off the school roof and tried to kill himself. Darlene commented that it wasn’t even two stories high so Tatiana told her mom that Denny just broke a bunch of bones. Darlene said Denny wasn’t the sharpest knife so Tatiana told her mom to stop talking. Darlene then changed the subject and told Tatiana that Vincent believed Darlene could become a dentist herself. Darlene told Tatiana that in Vincent’s country there were more doctors per capita then any other country in the whole world. Tatiana replied that the med school rejects from the USA went to Vincent’s country to practice doctoring (or to smaller states in our Nation). Tatiana told her mom that Anton was a liar and fake and according to Wikipedia, his dad handed the job from the dictator down to him. Tatiana added that Vincent fought one battle from the mountains in a helicopter. An officer pulled behind Darlene and she said she wasn’t even speeding so asked Tatiana if they might be looking for Anton. Tatiana said unless they tracked Vincent’s 8 zillion emails, it wouldn’t be a shocker. Tatiana said she was being careful but he was the one on the Internet 24/7. Darlene scolded Tatiana that Vincent didn’t know the Internet like Tatiana did. Darlene didn’t stop because the officer didn’t have lights on so instead she pulled in her driveway and acted normal. The police stopped outside briefly but then kept going. Vincent was inside making fired bananas on the stove. Shortly after, police surrounded Darlene’s house with sirens and Vincent told Darlene he would not hide and was not afraid to face them. He assured her he would be extradited and his people would welcome him home. Darlene tried to stop Vincent but Tatiana said her mom was going to get them all killed if she didn’t let the communist dictator go. Vincent walked outside with a bunch of officers and a speaker man telling him to exit the house with his hands raised. Vincent was already outside with his hands raised and the police repeated to come out of the house and it was his final warning. Darlene opened the door and told the officers Vincent stood there before them with his arms raised. The speaker man told Darlene to close the door back and stay inside. After Darlene closed the door, the officer said on the speaker, “We don’t want the grandpa, we want the girl. Tatiana Louise Miles.” Darlene asked her daughter what she did and Tatiana replied nothing. The officer said either the girl come out or they are going in to get her. Tatiana slowly walked outside then with her hands in the air toward a dozen or more officers pointing guns at her body. An officer then tackled the underage girl to the ground. In the next scene, Darlene and Tatiana were in the local police interrogation room going over criminal content email (underage kids having sex on video) that was sent from Tatiana’s computer about Denny and Sarvia. Darlene said that both students were 18 but neither looked that age and they were still in high school under their parents care. The police also found the letters that Tatiana wrote to Vincent. The detectives added that Tatiana’s hard drive showed she tried to contact Vincent’s associates and that she also inquired about assault rifles, shoulder-launched missiles, anti-aircraft ordinance. The female detective said there were battle plans in the garage detailing a revolution about students and teachers so it was possible that Tatiana would use that those weapons at the school. Tatiana explained that was a social revolution, like in Mean Girls.One male officer said he liked Mean Girls as much as the next guy and wished to God they could go back to a time when Regina George on diet pills was scary but those days were gone forever. The female detective said The Plastics weren’t a threat to them but plastic explosions were. They wanted to know if Tatiana hid any weapons since she searched Commando Wholesale website. The female detective, Spano, said Tatiana bid on and won a used Soviet T-72 tank! They asked Tatiana what she was hiding and she replied nothing. Meanwhile, many officers searched Darlene’s house as Vincent sat on a couch and patiently waited for them to be done. The officers reported back to Spano that they found nothing inside the home. Spano and her officer team then let Darlene and Tatiana go but told them both that they would be watching the two females. Darlene bolted for the door and Tatiana paused. Minor Tat then called the officers morans and said she was hiding a man living at the house and gave them Anton’s identity. The mother and daughter argue then because Darlene wanted to continue lying about Vincent. Tatiana wanted to know why and asked her if she hoped the dictator would marry her and solve all her problems. After Darlene slapped her daughter’s face, detective Spano asked the officers at the house if they still had grandpa in their 20 so they could bring Vincent in. The next scene had Tatiana rolling Dennis around a pretty lake in his wheelchair and added it was a nicer rehab facility then the rehab her mom went to. Tatiana told Dennis that Vincent told the officers that he held Tatiana and Darlene hostage and forced them to do things they would never do so the charges against the mom and daughter were dropped. Dennis said Vincent sounded like an upstanding dude. Tatiana added for a dictator. They discussed Sarvia then and Dennis admitted he gave Sarvia a chance and found out that Sarvia was not so awesome. Dennis asked Tatiana if he ruined any chances of him and her to be together and Tatiana replied no. They both agreed then that they would take things slow between them. With a “do not discuss prison matters” sign in the background, Vincent in his orange clothing and handcuffs sits at a window to speak to Tatiana as Darlene waited in the car. Tatiana asked if Vincent was being tortured there to which he replied only with the food because it was worse then Darlene’s. Vincent then quoted apropos King Lear, “I am tied to the stake, but I stand by the cause.” Tatiana then blew Vincent some Fun Dust through the window opening. Vincent told Tatiana he wrote to Chloe only because of Tatiana’s influence. Tatiana told Vincent she was the one who turned him in and he told her he already knew that. Vincent told Tatiana he was proud of her for standing up for what she believed in and became a rebel and found her voice and told her to use it wisely before he left to go back to his cellblock.In the car, Darlene told her daughter, as Tatiana questioned whether or not she did the right thing, that if it was hard then most likely it was the right thing to do. Darlene then said she was stopping to see Charles. Darlene barged in on Charles and his assistant with a female dental patient and told Charles she quit and informed the patient that Charles likes to suck feet and then left. Later on, KSDD reported that Anton Vincent was extradited to his homeland that day. They went on to say that Vincent was charged with crimes against humanity and the one time strongman would face a military tribunal…a coup forced Papa Vincent, as they called him, into exile. It was televised that Vincent had fled to the United States but was captured when his mother-daughter hostages managed to escape. The newscaster went to the school and interviewed students Sarvia and her squad as they all were on their phones texting and responded the incident now doubt left them with PSTD. Then the neighbor was interviewed where he said that Vincent messed up his lawn and possibly stole his lawnmower. In honor of Vincent, Darlene made moe Maria and her and Tatiana ate dinner together. Mom then gave her daughter an envelope from Vincent and inside was a letter for each of them. It ended with both reading their letters with Tatiana trying to peek at her mom’s letter from the communist in another country.  

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/26/23

TITLE: Leap! (Ballerina)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG Canada / France (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.) 

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Lionsgate/The Weinstein Company/Lantern Entertainment Gaumont born with cinema/CaraMel Films/Quad Man Journey/Canada France/Cine+/M6/6Ter/W9/Cubes Studio/Canal+/Sodec Quebec/Telefilm Canada/Radio-Canada/Angoa/Cubes Studiio/Main Journey/L’atelier Animation 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie takes place in the late 1800s and is about two eleven-year-old orphans named Felicie and Victor who live at an orphanage run by nuns in Brittany, France. It started with Victor being yelled at by an employee, Monsieur Luteau, to go find his best friend Felicie, who was on the roof trying to make her escape. Victor and Felicie later discussed escaping from the orphanage together so he could become an inventor and she could become a ballerina at a dance school in Paris, which was her dream. That night, Victor implemented his escape plan number 462 and dressed up as a nun and snuck Felicie out of the orphanage with Luteau chasing after them on his motorcycle. The runaways jumped a train and arrived in Paris in the morning. Victor and Felicie were separated when Victor fell over a bridge railing and landed on a boat in the water below. He told Felicie to meet him there the next day. Felicie found her way to the ballet school, where she went inside and watched a woman named Rosita Mauri dancing ballet. However, Felicie was grabbed by a man working in the building and dragged out of the room because he accused her of being a thief. The female school caretaker, Odette, convinced the man to leave Felicie alone, but then she told Felicie to leave. Felicie followed Odette, who told her to go away because she hated kids, especially orphans, but Felicie continued badgering Odette and she eventually agreed to let Felicie stay with her in the servants’ quarters. Odette and Felicie spent the night cleaning the staircase in the mansion belonging to Régine Le Haut. The next morning, Felicie met Régine’s snooty daughter, Camille, who was practicing ballet. She informed Felicie that she was going to attend a ballet audition for the part of Clara in The Nutcracker debuting on Christmas Eve (Clara’s character would also have the privilege of dancing alongside Rosita), and throughout the movie Camille called Felicie a little rat and a nobody. Camille threw Felicie’s music box out the window, and the trinket broke into little pieces when it hit the ground. Felicie went outside, and a mailman approached her with a letter from the ballet addressed to Camille. Felicie decided to get even with Camille and steal her identity so she would be enrolled in the ballet class of ballet master and choreographer, Louis Mérante. Mérante explained to his class that the audition would start the following day, and one dancer would be eliminated each day. Felicie and Victor reunited on the bridge and Victor told her the story of how he met Mattie at a bar. Mattie was an assistant to Gustave Eiffel, and so now Victor would also get to be one of Eiffel’s assistants. Mérante dismissed Felicie from his class, but before she could leave another girl got stuck doing a split on the floor and Mérante eliminated her instead. Felicie later convinced Odette, a former dancer who no longer danced because an accident left her with a limp, to help her learn to dance. Thanks to Odette’s training and care, Felicie excelled in dance class. Victor brought Felicie to Eiffel’s workshop to show her the work in progress, the green colored Statue of “Puberty,” that was soon to go to America. Régine then found out about Felicie stealing Camille’s identity and demanded the Mérante expel Felicie. However, Mérante decided that Camille would take part in the auditions and Felicie would continue to be in his class, but if Felicie failed to get the part of Clara in The Nutracker, she would have to leave the ballet. All other dancers in Mérante’s class were eliminated except for Felicie and Camille. Rudi, a Russian prince who was a ballet dancer (danseur) from the boys’ class, tried to hit on Felicie and take their friendship further by inviting her to the Eiffel Tower for a romantic evening. Victor also invited Felicie to the Eiffel Tower that night. She walked away without responding, and Victor took that to mean a “yes,” and set up a dinner at the Tower. Rudi wrote a weird bird poem for Felicie, and then they encountered Victor and Mattie. Victor and Rudi started fighting over Felicie, so she left. At the audition, Felicie fell twice and Mérante gave Camille the role of Clara. Régine then grabbed Felicie and sent her back to the orphanage in a carriage before she fired Odette. This time, Luteau actually helped Felicie escape from the orphanage and took her back to Paris on his motorcycle. Felicie and Camille had a dance-off, and then Mérante asked the girls why they danced. Camille replied because her mother made her, and Felicie replied that dancing was in her heart and thanks to Odette she was able to accomplish this dream. Mérante decided that Camille would have a future at the ballet school if she wanted, and that Felicie would dance The Nutcracker with Rosita that night. Felicie and Victor made up (and he also gave her back her music box that he fixed) and she invited him to the ballet. However, Régine and Camille then appeared, and Régine hit Victor in the head with a wrench, knocking him unconscious. Régine chased after Felicie with a huge hammer to kill Felicie as she climbed up the Statue of Liberty. Mattie and Camille helped Victor put on his flying wings contraption that he invented, and it worked this time and he was able to rescue Felicie. They flew to the ballet and made it back just in time for Felicie to dance onstage with Rosita. The budget for this movie was $30 million and it grossed $106 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/24/23

TITLE: Mean Girls 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004 Paramount Pictures / A Lorne Michaels Production / Broadway Video

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is based on the book “Queen Bees And Wannabes.” It started out with teen Cady (pronounced like Katie) Heron and her parents, both mom, Betsy, and dad, Chip, were research zoologists and they all spent the last twelve years in Africa. Cady, sixteen, was sent off by her parents to the local high school for first day as though she were five years old because Cady had been homeschooled the majority of her life.  There were videos of other homeschool families too, where in one instance, five young homeschooled boys with paper targets behind them and one boy in overalls in a southern accent said “And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.” And then all five boys said amen to that. Betsy’s tenure at Northwestern University ran out, so the Heron family went back to America in Evanston, Illinois and sent Cady off to school at sixteen. As they dropped her off, a school bus almost hit Cady when she crossed the street. Cady was going to take a seat in class but she was warned not to by another girl (Janis) because Kristin Hadley’s boyfriend was going to sit there, and then he showed up and the boy and girl started making out in the classroom. As the teacher Ms. Sharon Norbury came into the room, Cady accidentally ran into her and spilled coffee all over her. The teacher started to take her sweater off but it was stuck to her t-shirt and her shirt came up with the sweater, revealing her bra to the students and the principal Mr. Ron Duvall who just walked into the room. He asked how the teacher’s summer was and Sharon replied that she got divorced. Mr. Duvall left the classroom full of students after staring at the teacher’s bra visible through her see-through shirt. Everybody was mean to Cady in the cafeteria and not letting her sit at their table, so Cady ended up eating alone in the bathroom stall. Janis Ian introduced herself to Cady the next day and also introduced her to Damian Leigh, the boy almost too gay to function. Janis and Damian convinced Cady to skip health class, where the teacher in that class said, “Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?” The male teacher then handed condoms out to the students. Other students came outside for gym practice, and Janis and Damian pointed out The Plastics, Karen Smith, Gretchen Weiners (wearing her shirt tied off to show her midsection), and the queen bee Regina George, who Janis said was the human form of evil. Back inside the school, Damian explained to Cady that every year, there was The Spring Fling, and whoever was elected the King and Queen (always Regina) of that dance automatically became head of the Student Activities Committee.In the cafeteria, a boy named Jason approached Cady and asked her if she wanted him to assign someone to butter her muffin, and Regina interrupted and told Jason that Cady wasn’t interested in him. Regina asked Cady if she wanted to have sex with Jason, and when she replied no Regina dismissed Jason. Regina then invited Cady to sit down at her table and the girls put on nice-girl acts like they thought it was interesting that Cady was homeschooled and was a white person from Africa, and then they invited her to have lunch with them for the rest of the week. In the girls’ bathroom, with boy Damian there terrorizing the other girls, Janis told Cady that she hated Regina and she wasn’t sweet as was Cady’s first impression because Regina started a rumor that Janis was a lesbian. Janis put Cady up to an “undercover” experiment for Cady to hang out with Regina’s gang of Plastic girls so Janis could know everything about her enemies, The Plastics. Cady asked what they could talk about and Janis and Damian replied hair products and Ashton Kutcher. In calculus class Cady spotted a guy Aaron Samuels she liked so she started dumbing herself down in hopes to get his attention. At lunch with The Plastics, Gretchen explained to Cady the strict fashion rules of their girl squad and then wanted to know if Cady found any guys she thought were cute. When Cady replied Aaron, Gretchen told her she couldn’t like him because he was Regina’s ex-boyfriend and it was against the rules of feminism for girls to be with their friends’ ex-boyfriends. Gretchen lied and said it would just be their little secret and she wouldn’t tell Regina anything about Cady’s crush on Aaron. In calculus, Kevin Gnapoor, the captain of the North Shore Mathletes, approached Cady and invited her to join them because having a girl on the team would get the club twice as much funding. Cady agreed, and then The Plastics (all wearing very short skirts, especially Regina) picked Cady up to go shopping at the mall. It was there that Regina told Cady she couldn’t join the Mathletes because that was social suicide. Cady said that being at Old Orchard Mall reminded her of Africa, where she compared the delinquent teens who were on all fours drinking from the fountain and pushing each into the water to animals in heat. They spotted Jason and said he was going out with the female Taylor Wedell. Because Gretchen wanted to be with Jason, Regina took Gretchen’s phone and called through Information to get connected to Taylor’s and told her friends that the call couldn’t be traced when you go through Information. Once the call was put through, Regina asked for Taylor knowing female Taylor was at the mall and not at her house so when the mom then asked Regina who was calling mean-girl Regina said it was Susan from Planned Parenthood and she had Taylor’s test results and Mrs. Wedell passed out on the other end. Regina then drove them to her parents’ mansion and when they walked in Regina’s little sister Kylie (about eight years old) was in the living room copying sexy moves from female dancers on TV.Cady met Regina’s mom, Mrs. (June) George, who said she wasn’t a normal mom and had no rules in the house and went to get the girls drinks for hump day. The girls went up to Regina’s bedroom, which was the master bedroom, and she explained that it was hers because she made her parents switch with her. Mom brought the girls their non-alcoholic drinks, but she said if they wanted to drink, she would prefer it they drank inside the house. The Chihuahua dog that June was holding then tried to chew on mom’s breast through her shirt so Regina told her mother to leave the room and fix her hair. The Plastics showed Cady their Burn Book, which was full of pictures of girls from the yearbook where they wrote nasty comments about their schoolmates, such as “Trang Pak is a grotsky little byotch,” “Bethany Byrd has an amazing ability to surpress her gag reflex,” “Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin,” “Amber D’Alessio made out with a hot dog.” “Janis Ian, dyke.” Cady mentioned what Janis said earlier about Damian being too gay to function, and Regina told the other girls to write that comment about him in the Burn Book. When Cady told Janis about the Burn Book, she lied that The Plastics didn’t put Janis in it. Janis told Cady to steal the Burn Book so they could publish it and show everybody that Regina was an ax-wound. Janis was at her job selling soaps at the mall, and teacher Ms. Norbury walked over and explained that she was at the mall because she bartended a couple nights a week at P.J. Calamity’s. Cady decided she wasn’t going to spy on The Plastics anymore because it was weird and she was starting to become one of them, but Janis convinced Cady to go through with it. In the next scene, Regina called Cady and told her that Gretchen didn’t keep their “little secret,” and spilled the beans to Regina that Cady liked Aaron. Regina said she didn’t’ really care, but she warned Cady that all Aaron cared about was school, his mom, and his friends. Regina said she would talk to Aaron because she knew exactly how to play it and wouldn’t tell him anything embarrassing about Cady. Regina had Gretchen conferenced in on the line so it was a three-way call that Cady didn’t know about because Gretchen remained quiet and just listened, and Regina talked to Cady about Gretchen, where Cady said that Gretchen just wanted attention and then Gretchen made herself known to respond that wasn’t true. After Regina hung up, Cady said that she survived her first three-way calling attack and with Regina’s blessing, she started talking to Aaron every couple of weeks. However, Cady wanted things to move faster so in class she decided to play dumb and ask Aaron for help with her math just because she wanted to talk to him, and he gave her the wrong answer when she knew the right one all along. Aaron then invited Cady to a Halloween costume party at his friend Chris’s house later that night and he didn’t want her to bring a date, so she replied “grool,” which was a combination of “great,” and “cool.” Cady skipped Mathletes Practice to go home and work on her costume. Regina dressed up like a Playboy bunny (not for teen costume) with her mom taking pictures of her and her dad just watching with a mobster face. Gretchen was dressed like a hooker with skin-tight plastic-looking leather with cat ears, and Karen was wearing lingerie with mouse ears. Cady went as a zombie bride, and two females, an angel and a devil, were making out in the crowd of teens not wearing enough at the underage teen party drinking from red Solo cups. Cady walked over to Gretchen and Karen, and Karen pointed out her first cousin, Seth Mosakowski, who she claimed was a good kisser and tried to rationalize that it was okay to date her cousin but Gretchen told her that wasn’t right. Aaron, in his football player costume, went to get Cady and him drinks,but he encountered Regina, who told Aaron that Cady had a huge crush on him. She lied that Cady wrote “Mrs. Aaron Samuels,” all over her notebook, and she made a t-shirt that said “I heart Aaron,” which she wore underneath all her clothes. She added that she wasn’t sure if Cady was a stalker, implying that she was because she saved a Kleenex that Aaron used and said she was going to do African voodoo with it to make Aaron like her. Cady was watching and thought Regina was telling Aaron nice things about Cady, and then Regina started kissing Aaron. Cady said she hated Regina and left the party in tears. Meanwhile, Janis and Damian were watching a horror movie in their clubhouse (with red crosses spray-painted on the walls) when Cady burst through the door scarring them half to death and said that Regina took Aaron back. Janis said Regina did that because she was a life-ruiner and announced that they were going to get even with Regina. Janis’s plan to overthrow the evil dictator Regina was to cut off her resources, which were Aaron Samuels, her “hot,” body, and her army of skanks. To make it work, Cady agreed to keep hanging out with The Plastics like nothing was wrong. Regina and Aaron were back together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and she taunted Aaron in front of Cady, not because Regina wanted to date him but so she could make Cady jealous. In the big cat world, Cady and Regina would be fighting it out like vicious wild animals, but since this was Girl World the fighting had to be sneaky. Cady and Janis kept their eyes open for opportunities to sabotage Regina, such as putting foot crème in Regina’s facial cleansing gel and Janis cut holes in the breast area of Regina’s shirt, and she decided it was the new fashion so she wore it around, and all the girls at school started copying her style in hopes of being popular to fit in like her. Janis didn’t think they were accomplishing much with Regina, so Janis said they needed to switch over to Gretchen and reconvene that night, but Cady said she couldn’t because she was going over to Regina’s to practice for the talent show, where Cady and The Plastics would dance to “Jingle Bell Rock.” Janis said that everybody in the English-speaking world knew that song, and The Plastics performed it every year. Cady then dismissed Janis and Damian as Regina walked over and wanted to know why Cady was talking to Janis. Cady replied that Janis was weird and came over to her talking about crack. Regina then explained that she and Janis were best friends in middle school, and when Regina started going out with her first boyfriend, Kyle, in eighth grade, Regina said that Janis got jealous, so then, for Regina’s all-girls pool party birthday, she told Janis she couldn’t invite her because Regina thought Janis was a lesbian. Janis’s mom called Regina’s mom, and Janis ended up dropping out of school. When Janis came back in the fall for high school, she had cut all of her hair off like a weirdo and was now on crack. Cady witnessed Regina as she complimented some girl in the hall on her outfit saying she liked it the same way she did Cady’s bracelet when they first met. But right after the other girl walked away, Regina told Cady that was the ugliest f-ing skirt she had ever seen so Cady realized how fake and cruel Regina really was. In class, a student dressed up like Santa and handed out candy cane-grams. Cady, Damian, and Janis had sent some to Cady from Regina but none to Gretchen to make Gretchen mad so they could get information out of the squad member. This made Gretchen crack, and once she thought Regina was mad at her the secrets started pouring out, and all Cady had to do was wait for one secret they could use against Regina. At the North Shore High School winter talent show, Damian sang while Ms. Norbury played the piano, Kevin did a rap song about making love to a woman on a bathroom floor, Backstage, Gretchen spilled one secret that Regina’s parents didn’t sleep in the same bed anymore and maybe that had something to do with why Regina was sending candy cane-grams to all her girlfriends except Gretchen. Right before they went onstage, the girls, called Santa’s Helper’s in slutty costumes, Regina made Gretchen to switch sides when she hadn’t practiced it that way and had Cady take Gretchen’s place. Gretchen went the wrong way and ran into Regina so Gretchen knocked into the radio and it jammed and flew off the stage, so to finish their act, Cady started singing Jingle Bell Rock and the audience joined in and Ms. Norbury picked the music up on the piano.After the talent show was over, Regina snapped at Gretchen again. The next day in class, Gretchen put her feelings about Regina in writing and while reading aloud her assignment about Caesar, Gretchen had a meltdown and told the class that Caesar shouldn’t have all the power and ended with everybody should stab Caesar because Rome wasn’t about one person having all that power. Later on at school, Gretchen vented to Cady about how at Hanukkah her parents had gifted her with hoop earrings but because Regina told Gretchen she wasn’t allowed to wear them because hoop earrings were Regina’s thing, she had to lie to her parents and tell them she didn’t like the hoop earrings at all. The big thing that Regina then said to Cady was that every Thursday Regina cheated on Aaron, who thought she was doing SAT prep, but really she was hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium, and Gretchen said she never told anybody that because she was such a good friend to Regina. After Christmas break, they spent most of their time in school trying to get Aaron to catch Regina in the act with Shane on Thursdays. One time, he went to the auditorium because of a sign posted in the gym thinking it was swim practice and he walked through the door only to find Shane in his underwear in the schoolroom because Regina in her bra and short skirt had hid when they heard the doorknob jingling. Another week, Damian stole Cady’s purse, so Aaron ran after masked Damian to the projection room, where they saw Coach Carr and one of the students Trang Pak making out. As Cady, Janis, and Damian had a group meeting at Cady’s house, Cady told them that the Kälteen bars were Swedish nutrition bars that help people gain weight from when the Heron family lived in Africa and she gave them to the children. The next day at school, Cady gave the Kälteen bar to Regina, telling her the opposite of what they actually did so she would take them thinking they would help her lose weight. Regina couldn’t understand the nutrition facts because they were all written in Swedish. Cady told Regina that there was some weird ingredient that was not legal in the U.S. that burned carbs. Cady put on an act so she could take down queen Regina, but she loved being with The Plastics squad and getting all the attention as everybody started copying Cady too once she truly became one of The Plastics. Mr. Duvall talked about Regina and Aaron dating again and how the two were inseparable since the Halloween party. At Janis’s mall job, she and Cady talked about Regina and mentioned how her boobs were getting bigger because she was gaining weight, but that wasn’t really working the way they wanted to and how obsessed Cady had become with Regina. Janis invited Cady to her art show, and then told Cady that she smelled like a baby prostitute because of the perfume that Regina gave her. Yet again, Cady wanted Aaron’s attention, and she was also obsessed with, so in math class she dumbed herself downfrom getting a score of ninety-eight to sixty-eight as her grade. Cady knew her plan was working and she told Aaron she wanted a tutor, so he offered to tutor her after school. Their tutoring led to kissing. Aaron said he couldn’t do that with Cady and stopped, but Cady then told him that Regina was cheating on him so Aaron broke up with Regina. Regina was later upset at her house with her gal pals and Karen tried to cheer her up by taking her to Taco Bell, but Regina was too upset because Regina said she gave everything to Aaron, and that she was half a virgin when they met and Aaron told Regina that somebody from his baseball team told him about Shane, but Regina replied that she couldn’t go to Taco Bell because she was on an all-carb diet and called Karen stupid. Gretchen ran off to console Regina, and Cady jumped in and tried to get closer to Karen and figure out what she was good at because she didn’t believe Karen was totally stupid. Karen told Cady that she thought she was psychic because her breasts could tell when it was raining. When Aaron didn’t ask Cady out immediately, she couldn’t understand because Regina had moved on. In the next scene, Regina and her new boyfriend were about to have sex on Regina’s bed at her parents’ house, and Regina’s mom walked in and asked them if they needed a condom and then said she loved God as she walked out the door. In school, nominations were being held for Spring Fling King and Queen. Damian added a bunch of forged nominations to the ballot to vote for Janis. The Queen nominees were Regina, Gretchen, Janis, and Cady was nominated anyway even though Damian only put Janis’s name in. At the 1-3-5 store, Regina couldn’t get her dress on when Cady and The Plastics went shopping for Spring Fling dresses. Cady lied about how the Kälteen bars worked when Regina called her out on it and Cady said that the bars would help Regina lose weight and Cady could read the Swedish on the label, as everybody in Africa could. The Asian clerk told them to try Sears because they didn’t have any size dress bigger. On the chalkboard at the clubhouse, they crossed off Aaron Samuel and Regina’s “hot” body to destroy Regina. On the way out of Ms. Norbury’s class, she told Cady that her parents needed to sign a paper because she was failing math. Ms. Norbury explained that the weird thing on Cady’s quizzes was all the work was right, but the answers were wrong. She told Cady not to dumb herself down to get guys to like her because that wasn’t the most important thing in her life right now. Ms. Norbury said she knew because she was divorced and broke from getting divorced, and the only guy who ever called her house was Randy from Chase Visa. She said she was a pusher, she pushed her husband into law school, she pushed herself into three jobs, and now she was going to push her student Cady because she knew Cady was smarter than she let on. Cady went to Regina’s house and told The Plastics that Ms. Norbury how she kept saying she was a pusher and was queer because she was failing Cady on purpose since she didn’t join the Mathletes and then they talked about Ms. Norbury selling drugs on the side to pay for her pathetic divorce. Regina had Cady write that comment in the Burn Book. At school in class, Damian and Janis tried to get Cady to hang out with them to watch a movie that night, but Cady blew them off and told them that she planned something on her own and couldn’t because she was hanging with The Plastics, and also that she couldn’t go to Janis’s art show because Cady was going to Madison with her parents.Later on, as Regina stuffed her face with donuts and was babysitting Kylie watching on TV college girls gone wild on the screen lifting up their shirts on the beach and Kylie lifted her shirt up too while Regina ignored that and kept talking to her gal pal on the phone. Regina had a phone conversation with Cady telling Cady that Gretchen was going to have a total meltdown when nobody voted for her and Regina was going to have to take care of Gretchen when she lost. Regina said that Gretchen wasn’t pretty and told Cady the crazy thing was, Karen should be Queen because she was so pretty, but people forgot about her since she was such a slut. Regina then hung up the phone. Gretchen was on the line and conferenced in to Karen. Karen answered the phone, she put Gretchen on hold because Regina was on the other line and Regina asked Karen to go out with her that night and not invite Gretchen who was driving Regina nuts. Karen told Gretchen what just happened with Regina. Gretchen told Karen not to hang out with Regina and Karen tried to switch over to tell Regina she wasn’t going to, but ditzy Karen still had Gretchen on the phone and said something she shouldn’t have. Regina told Karen to get rid of annoying Gretchen, so Karen went back onto the other call and talked to Gretchen. Gretchen told Karen what Regina said about her about being a slut, so Karen went back on the line and faked a cold telling Regina she wasn’t going out with her, to which Regina replied that Karen was a whore and hung up. The next day at school, when the girls were hanging out eating in the cafeteria, Gretchen and Karen turned the tables on Regina and used her own rules against her because she was breaking them all by wearing sweat-suits to school since her other clothes no longer fit from eating fattening foods and listening to Cady (lie) tell her what was carbs and what was not. Regina said those rules weren’t real because now it affected her and she said she made them up and it didn’t count when she broke them. The squad girls weren’t having any of it and told her to leave the table because Regina made them do that when they broke her rules. As Regina got up from the table telling them to walk home because she had the car to chauffeur them around, she ran into another girl, who told Regina to watch where she was going and called her a fat-a**. Damian at the clubhouse then crossed out “army of skanks” off the chalkboard to defeat Regina George once and for all. In school after that, Regina was absent and Cady took the place of queen bee where Gretchen and Karen followed her around like a puppy-dog like they had done to Regina before she got silenced with Cady, Janis, and Damian’s gaslighting plan to take her out. Cady got out of going to Madison with her parents because she used Janis’s art show and her parents said they had tickets to the Ladysmith Black Mambazo event for months. Dad spoke up and told mom that Cady was old enough to be home alone for one night. Cady learned how to control everyone around her and invited Aaron to a small get-together at her house the next evening when her parents were out of town. As Cady’s parents left in their red electric car, Gretchen and Karen drove up right after in a black Escalade to prepare for the evening’s party. With a very short strapless dress on, Cady came downstairs and told Gretchen and Karen that she got enough cheese and crackers for eight people, but the two snickered at each other and said yeah, that was okay, because the small get-together somehow ended up with dozens of high-school age teens that Gretchen and Karen invited where they drank from red Solo cups and trashed Cady’s parents’ house. Regina and Shane drove past Cady’s house in her convertible and Regina was mad that she wasn’t invited to the party and Regina said that she invented Cady. In walked Aaron, and drunk Gretchen found Jason talking to Taylor Wedell and Gretchen fell at his feet telling him she loved him. Cady spotted the jocks throwing a very expensive African vase around the room and she ran to stop them after downing another shot glass. In the hallway, Kevin told Cady that he only dated women of color, acting as though Cady was interested in him when she wasn’t. Cady went upstairs to use the bathroom, where she found Gretchen making out with Jason. She went to another room, where she found another teen couple making out on a bed and Cady kicked them out of her bedroom. Regina and Shane showed up and Aaron escaped upstairs to Cady’s bedroom, where he saw a picture of Cady riding a baby elephant when she was about three or four years old. Cady came out of the bathroom and she and Aaron sat down on the bed to talk. Aaron told her he didn’t want to be with any more liars and Cady responded that she would never lie to him. She then admitted that she did lie to him once about how she failed math because she wanted his help and to date him and told him he was bad at math but she was great at it. He told her it was stupid that she was failing on purpose. Because Cady was drunk, she told him that she couldn’t talk to him and get his attention without doing that because he was Regina’s property. She tried to correct herself, but Aaron wasn’t having anything to do with that after that and told Cady she was like a clone of Regina. Cady then vomited all over Aaron as Regina opened the door. Aaron ran out of the house with Cady chasing after him. Damian and Janis drove by with Janis hanging out the top of the car calling Cady a dirty little liar and Damian didn’t want to stop because he had a curfew. Janis called Cady out for not even inviting them to the party when Cady responded that she had to pretend to be Plastic. Janis said the truth that Cady was no longer pretending because she was actually one of The Plastics now and changed so much that Cady was unrecognizable from when Janis first met Cady. Cady responded that Janis made Cady like that in order for Janis to get back at Regina as her eighth-grade revenge. Janis said that at least she and Regina act the part of mean because they were mean, but Cady tried to hide her mean attributes under some pretend innocent self. Cady responded that Janis was jealous and in love with Cady. Janis said that was the thing with Plastics, they thought everybody was in love with them when it fact everybody hated them, like Aaron Samuels for example and Janis screamed at Cady that she was a mean girl and a bit**. She threw her art at Cady saying that she won a prize at the art show and then Damian drove off shouting that he wanted back the pink shirt that she borrowed from him and wore on Regina’s pink shirt day. Cady opened up the artwork and saw it was a picture of herself, Janis, and Damian. Regina stormed out of the house with Shane following her. Regina while trying to find her keys and told Shane that she couldn’t trust anyone. She pulled out a Kälteen bar and Shane asked why, and she replied that she was starving. Shane said he hated those bars and said that Coach Carr made them eat those bars when they wanted to move up a weight class and that the Kälteen bars made you gain weight like crazy. In the middle of the night around one a.m. in the neighborhood, Regina screamed at the top of her lungs and Shane decided he was going to walk home because he didn’t think it was unsafe to get in the car with that crazy and unstable being named Regina at that moment. Regina got home, still screaming her head off, grabbed the Burn Book and took a photo of her and Cady off her bedroom wall, glued her own photo (not Cady’s) to the page and wrote “This girl is the nastiest skank bit** I’ve ever met. Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!” The next day, Regina took the Burn Book to Mr. Duvall and lied while fake crying telling the principal that she found the book in the girls’ bathroom and it was so mean (when she, Regina, created the book herself with her gang members all those years). Mr. Duvall couldn’t believe that Coach Carr had a relationship with the student, Trang Pak, and he wanted to know if it was true but Regina wouldn’t say if it was or not. He saw all the other mean things written about the other students. Mr. Duvall said he was going to find out who did it, and Regina, in an attempt to cast the blame on Gretchen, Cady, and Karen, chimed in that there were only three girls in the whole school who weren’t in the Burn Book. As Coach Carr gave his students a lesson on STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), he received a note that Cady was wanted in the principal’s office so he dismissed her and continued with his class writing the wrong spelling of chlamydia on the chalkboard. Cady arrived as Regina left the principal’s office. Regina glared at Cady and walked out the door. Cady took a seat next to Gretchen and Karen in Mr. Duvall’s office. Mr. Duvall asked Cady if she had ever seen the Burn Book before, and she replied that she had been it before but it wasn’t hers. Gretchen told Mr. Duvall that it belonged to Regina and she was trying to make it look like they wrote it when it was actually Regina. When the principal (with an American flag on his desk) asked why Regina would refer to herself as a fugly slut, Karen burst out laughing and Mr. Duvall corrected her that that wasn’t funny and this was serious business. As the girls were getting grilled in the principal’s office, Regina had earlier used the school copier to make copies of the pages in the Burn Book and at that current moment when everyone was in class she threw all the copied pages on the floor and attached to walls and underneath the closed classroom doors littering the hallways with the nasty comments that Regina and her girl gang wrote. Gretchen told Mr. Duvall that she shouldn’t be in trouble for being well-liked and she didn’t think her father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel, would be very happy that the principal at that moment was interrogating his daughter. The students got out of the class and they picked up the papers on the floor and started reading them and pulling them off the walls. Dangerous and chaotic fights broke out between all the girl students because of the mean and hateful words written about each other. The teachers got knocked over trying to break it up. Ms. Norbury then read the page about herself on the floor about how she was a sad old drug pusher. Gretchen informed Mr. Duvall that she couldn’t answer any more questions until a lawyer or a parent was present. As Karen said whoever wrote it didn’t think anybody else would ever see it, Mr. Duvall said he hoped nobody would ever see it. One boy called his mom and asked her to come pick him up because he was afraid while the boys were cheering for the catfighting girls to take their tops off. A female teacher barged in and told Ron to come quick because the girls had gone wild and Mr. Duvall grabbed his baseball bat and went out into the hallway to see the students violently attacking each in the jungle madness. Mr. Duvall saw Coach Carr holding onto two females and the principal told the man to let go of the underage girls and Coach Carr ran for the door. The principal tried to help one teenage female down hanging from the ceiling, but she kicked at his head. He smashed the fire alarm with the bat, which turned on the sprinkler system and screamed for all junior girls to report to the gymnasium immediately. Cady walked by all the females glaring hate at her in the Lion Country gymnasium bleachers and sat down. Cady waved at Janis, who was sitting next to Damian in his hoodie and sunglasses along with the girls, and Janis gave Cady the up yours obscene gesture. Mr. Duvall said never in his fourteen years of educating experience had he ever seen such behavior from young ladies. He said he had parents calling on the phone asking if somebody got shot at the school. He said he wasn’t going to cancel the Spring Fling because they already paid the DJ. He said he was going to take the book seriously and said that Coach Carr fled school property and Ms. Norbury was accused of selling drugs and he told the girls they all needed an attitude makeover and told the girls they were going to stay there until four (because he couldn’t keep them at the school all night) until they resolved the issue. They were going to fix the way the females related to each other and asked them if any of them had a lady problem they wanted to talk about, where one female raised her hand and told Mr. Duvall that she had a wide-set female part which was why she used jumbo tampons and it was true that she was still a virgin and not lying about it like others said. Mr. Duvall said he couldn’t handle this type of conversation, so he had Ms. Norbury take over and help the ladies with their self-esteem issues, to which Ms. Norbury replied it wasn’t a self-esteem problem because they were all pretty full of themselves. She had the girls close their eyes and answer questions about backstabbing other behind their backs and being a backstabber herself. Basically, everybody raised their hand on both of those questions. Ms. Norbury replied there had been some girl-on-girl crime there at the school. Ms. Norbury in a healthy way had the girls confront each about what was bothering them to get the anger toward one another out of their systems. Some of them used different languages and took turns expressing themselves. Regina stood up and said she was a victim in the situation. Ms. Norbury asked who had ever felt personally victimized by Regina and everybody, including the teachers and the principal, raised their hands (except for Regina, of course). Ms. Norbury called on Cady to answer some questions and Cady lied out loud and said no to the questions but in her head said she did make up the rumor about how Ms. Norbury sold drugs so she kept quiet. Ms. Norbury said she was disappointed in Cady. Ms. Norbury told the female students that they needed to stop calling each other sluts and whores because then it made it okay for the guys to call the girls those words. She had the girls line up and write apologizes to people they hurt in their lives, say them out loud in front of everybody, and then go up on a platform, turn around, and fall backwards into the arms of those same people to fix the trust issues between them. This one girl said that she wished they could all be happy like middle school and eat rainbow/smile cake. Damian from the sidelines screamed that girl didn’t even go there. Ms. Norbury asked the girl if she attended that school, and the female replied no, she just had a lot of feelings and Ms. Norbury told her to go home. Mr. Duvall (who had a crush on Sharon) told Ms. Norbury and told her she was doing a great job handling the situation. Karen was the only one who tried to catch Gretchen and they both landed hard on the floor everybody else backed away because Gretchen was not really participating and calling the girls out for being jealous of her popularity. Ms. Norbury told them to walk it off after they almost hurt each other. Cady tried to get to the back of the line, so Janis went to the front. Regina told the crowd it was Janis’s dream come true to dive into a crowd of girls. After that comment, Janis revealed the many months of planning what she and Cady did to mess up Regina’s life and Janis went on to explain everything (the fat health bar, Cady’s pretending to be friends with Regina and her squad, breaking Aaron and Regina up, foot cream face wash). Janis replied afterwards that she didn’t know why she did those things, but maybe it was because she had a big lesbian crush on Regina and told Regina to suck on that and did a war cry as she fell into the crowd with many girls catching her and chanting Janis’s name. Regina stormed out of the school and Cady ran after her apologizing saying she didn’t want that to happen as Regina walked to her mom’s car and Regina and Cady standing in the street arguing with Cady about the situation and their fake friendship. Regina got hit by a school bus. Cady said that was how Regina George got injured and ended up in the hospital because the two girls were arguing in the middle of the road. There were rumors that Cady pushed Regina in front of the bus, which she didn’t. Cady’s parents got back from their Madison trip and mom wanted to know why the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe was under the sink. Cady played dumb and acted like she didn’t know why and said the vase didn’t mean anything to her. Cady turned the situation around and said all of her friends hated her and now her mom hated her. Dad replied that mom didn’t hate Cady, she was afraid of her daughter, and he questioned whether or not he should have put Cady in public school to begin with. She said she was going to go back to school anyway even though it would be horrible and called herself a warthog about to be devoured by lions, but Dad corrected her that she was a lion. Cady told Dad that she needed him to sign her calculus test because she was failing and Dad grounded her. At school the next day, Cady took a seat behind the boy who farted a lot. Cady ate in the bathroom alone again. In calculus, there was a police officer asking the students if Ms. Norbury ever tried to sell them drugs. Aaron said that Ms. Norbury didn’t sell drugs, but Mr. Duvall said they had to investigate Ms. Norbury (and every claim made in the Burn Boor) because the allegations against Coach Carr turned out to be true. Cady decided to stand up and tell Mr. Duvall that she wrote that about Ms. Norbury and lied. Cady said that when you get bit by a snake, you have to suck the poison out, so she went to visit Regina at her house with flowers and get all the poison out of Cady’s life and stop the lies and awful behavior and gave Regina flowers. Ms. Norbury in class told Cady that she had to say sarcastically that watching the police search her house was the cherry on top of her fantastic year. She asked Cady who else wrote the book because she knew Cady didn’t write it herself, but Cady refused to give up the names of the others and said she was trying something new not to talk about people behind their backs. Aaron chimed in that getting hit by a bus was fair punishment enough, telling Cady and Ms. Norbury that he knew it was Regina’s Burn Book. Ms. Norbury accepted Cady’s apology but told her as the teacher’s own personal form of punishment, she was going to make Cady be on the Mathletes for extra credit. Spring Fling arrived and everybody got dressed up in the gowns and tuxedos. In Damian’s room with Mariah Carey and Singin’ In The Rain posters and him and Janis wearing matching purple tuxedos. Cady in her blue North Shore Mathletes polo headed to the math event to compete against Marymount Prep wearing red blazers with very few people in attendance. Cady’s mom came looking for her daughter and asked her husband where she was at, and he was baffled that she wasn’t allowed to go out when she was grounded so the parents went together to the school to find Cady. Damian manned the ballots for the King and Queen. Regina’s mom was trying to get into the background picture of Regina and Shane’s professional photographs at the Spring Fling. Cady’s parents showed up at the Spring Fling and asked the principal where she was at, but Cady was still at the Illinois Mathletes event, where it came down to a sudden-death round because there was a tie. Both teams with the majority of boys picked the girls to answer the final-round questions. Cady in her head were mean thoughts about her opponent’s outfits and used her Plastic head to tear Caroline apart but she stopped herself and tried to focus on the math question at hand. Cady realized that all you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you, and hating and hurting others wasn’t going to make you happier or your life better in the long run. Caroline answered the question wrong, so Cady answered the question right and won the championship for her school by answering the limit did not exist because she remembered what was written on the chalkboard in math class when she was staring at Aaron. Kevin had a serious breakdown and ripped the front of his shirt while talking trashto the opponents leaving the building. Ms. Norbury convinced Cady it was okay to go to Spring Fling even though she was grounded. She and the Mathletes went to the party in their school Mathletes jackets bought with the school math club funds, Mr. Duvall announced the Spring Fling winners and the principal added that he could not be happier that the school year was about over. Shane was the Spring Fling King, and Cady was the Queen and was the future co-chair of the Student Activities Board and won two gift certificates to the Walker Brothers Pancake House. Cady walked into the school event in time to accept her queendom crown. Mr. Duvall said it wasn’t required of her to make a speech, but Cady addressed the people whose feelings were hurt by the Burn Book and apologized to them. Cady took off her crown and complimented everybody looking like royalty that night. She broke the crown into pieces and threw the pieces to Regina, Janis, and Gretchen for everybody to share, saying it was just made of plastic and then threw the rest of the pieces to the crowd and said in a sarcastic tone God, could Mr. Duvall wrap it up. Damian and Janis kissed their crown pieces and declared themselves queens and made up with Cady. Aaron and Cady hooked up and slow-danced and kissed on the dance floor as Cady’s parents looked on and Regina and Shane kissed, Principal  Duvall and Teacher Norbury danced together, Janis and Damian experimented with kissing and were totally grossed out about it. Kevin took Damian’s place and Janis admitted she was Lebanese, which attracted Kevin all the more. In the end, The Plastics broke up Regina’s fractured spine healed, and Regina’s therapist told her to use her rage in sports so she joined the lacrosse team. Karen became the school weathergirl and was shown on TV outside the school grabbing her breasts to predict the weather. Gretchen joined the Asian squad at school and found a new queen bee to serve. Aaron went to Northwestern University, so Cady saw him on weekends. It was now Cady’s senior year, and all the drama from the previous year wasn’t important to her anymore as she joined Damian and Janis, with her boyfriend, Kevin, on the school lawn. Cady said the Girl World was finally at peace until Damian pointed out some freshmen girls were acting like the new Plastics. Cady went on to say that if any freshmen tried to disturb their peace, they knew how to take care of it. This film grossed over 130 million at the box office on a 17 million budget.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/22/23

TITLE: Garfield – A Tail Of Two Kitties

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006  20thCentury Fox / Davis Entertainment Company / Paws, Inc. /

Dune Entertainment / Major Studio Partners / Ingenious Film Partners

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: Once upon a time, there lived two talking cats, one named Prince who was extremely pampered and lived in Carlyle Castle in England, and the other named Garfield who thought of himself as a king but was actually a house cat who lived in a house in an American neighborhood with his human owner, Jon, and Odie the dog. Jon knelt down in front of Garfield with a wedding ring making it appear as if he was proposing to the male cat, when in fact he was practicing his proposal to his veterinarian girlfriend, Liz. Jon had invited Liz over to the house, but when she arrived Jon learned that she was flying to London the following morning to speak at the fundraiser for the Royal Animal Conservancy at Carlyle Estate. Jon tried to find the ring in the house that went missing. Garfield had managed to devour the entire turkey before Liz rushed out of the house because she needed to pack. Jon then decided that he also needed to pack because he was headed to London to surprise visit Liz and propose to her there. Jon tried to leave Garfield and Odie at the kennel, but they stowed away in his duffel bag. Meanwhile, the will of the now deceased Lady Eleanor Carlyle was read at Carlyle Estate by three solicitors (British lawyers). The butler, Smithee, was made caretaker of the estate, and Eleanor’s nephew, Lord Manfred Dargis, was irate to discover that his aunt left her possessions and her estate to Prince (cat). However, Dargis got an idea to kill Prince when the solicitors told him that once Prince died, Dargis would receive the castle, the land, and his title. Dargis put Prince in a basket and threw him into the river. Jon and Liz met up with each other in the hotel and discovered that Garfield and Odie were there. Jon and Liz left to go sightseeing, and Garfield and Odie escaped from the hotel room and tried to find them. Smithee picked up Garfield. Smithee thought Garfield was Prince and took him to Carlyle because both orange cats looked identical. Prince then climbed out of the sewer just as Jon walked up and thought he was Garfield. Dargis, pretending to be in tears, called one of the solicitors, Hobbs, to tell him that Prince was missing, and legally that made Dargis head of the estate. They made an appointment for Monday so the solicitors could sign the deed. Dargis invited Abby Westminster over to the castle and told her of his plans to turn the estate into a resort and spa built over the castle and barnyard area, and whichever of the estate animals were not chased off would be served as food to the guests. Garfield was brought to the castle and introduced to the animals, who realized that he wasn’t Prince but that didn’t matter because Garfield looked just like Prince and would able to convince everybody that’s who he was. Fat cat Garfield enjoyed the royal life and all the servants wrapped around his paw. When Prince figured out how to get back to Carlyle, he left the hotel when he fell backwards out of Jon’s multi-story hotel window declaring, “for king and country.” Prince landed hard on the ground and then headed to the castle. In several instances, Dargis tried to teach Rommel the Rottweiler to “kill kitty,” but the other animals put the idea into Rommel’s head to go after Dargis’s trousers instead. Meanwhile, Jon tried to find Garfield. Clever Odie showed him a newspaper, and Jon dismissed it when he saw the headline “Gwynnie, Jacko Have Alien Love Child,”but then realized in an article further down on the page that someone mistook Garfield for Prince. Jon and Odie headed to Carlyle. Liz went to Carlyle for a group tour with others from the Royal Animal Conservancy. The solicitors showed up at the castle to transfer the title of the estate to Dargis, and when Dargis found out Garfield was not dead yet he locked him in the dungeon. Winston and Claudius the mouse rescued Garfield, and once Prince made it to the castle he, Garfield, and the other animals came up with a plan to defeat Dargis. During the solicitor meeting, Dargis spotted Garfield wandering around the castle and excused himself to take care of the situation, but then the animals attacked him. Dargis, with his suit all torn and shredded, then threatened the three solicitors with a crossbow (and Abby, who had been working with the solicitors all along to figure out what Dargis was up to) so they would sign the deeds to him. Jon appeared and got the crossbow away from Dargis. Dargis grabbed Liz and tried to take her hostage, but then Nigel the ferret climbed up Dargis’s pant leg and gave Jon the opportunity to punch Dargis to the ground. Dargis was arrested, and Garfield decided to give Jon the wedding ring so he could finally propose to Liz. She happily accepted, and the movie ended with all the animals having a pool party at the England estate. This animated film had a 60 million dollar budget and it grossed over 143 million at the box office. Janet Stokes, Film Advisory Board raved on cover art, “Nonstop fun for the whole family.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/21/23

TITLE: Canadian Bacon

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1995 MGM, Gramercy Pictures, PolyGram Filmed Entertainment, Propaganda Films, David Brown Productions, Maverick Picture Company

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]:  1

REASON: This movie began with the “God Bless America Again,” song playing, in Niagara Falls, New York, as the Presidential motorcade came into town. The newscaster, Kelly, said it was about to go by but there was nobody around to see, which was odd because the last President going through the area was William McKinley, when he was shot there. Kelly said the president was going to speak at the Hacker Defense Plant, where 10,000 employees were laid off near the end of the Cold War, which rendered useless all of the military supplies that Hacker manufactured, and citizens were encouraged to not only stop by and listen to the president, but also pick up a good deal on items like missiles and light armament. A crazy laid-off employee from Hacker Dynamics who already had an altercation that morning when he spray-painted on Hacker’s billboard and motto “Peace through fear…since 1947.” He also spray-painted “See ya in Mexico suckers,” and “Hacker sucks,” on the billboard, but the reporter added that the man got away before he could be apprehended. The same man sat in his car by the falls and duct-taped himself in the car. He taped his mouth and hands closed and taped a “See ya in hell, Hacker!” sign to his windshield. He tried to drive through the railing into Niagara Falls with his car, but the car broke apart. The unstable man hopped out of the car with the police and motorcade going by him in clear view on the side of the road wrapped in duct tape. The Presidential entourage kept driving by. Kelly reported on TV that there had been a lot of suicides of jumping off into the falls since the lay-off and added that there was now an incentive if this happened and that the sheriff’s deputies would get $25 if they talked somebody out of jumping to their death, but if they had to go into the water and retrieve the body, they would get $50. Because of this, at the bottom of the falls along the bank stood two sheriff’s deputies screaming at the ex-employee Roy Boy to jump so they could get $50 each. They discussed this as the man had difficulty getting over the railing with the duct tape. The officers said they had already wrapped up nine grief bonuses that week and they were earning $450 and more if that one on top managed to get over the railing. But, the duct tape stuck to the railing so he didn’t go down. The deputies were also former Hacker employees lost patience so the female deputy, Honey, shot the pour soul with her gun. However, the man managed to climb back over the railing and wanted a medic instead of death. The sheriff and his female deputy then picked up Roy Boy (the man shot) in their police vehicle with Sheriff Bud driving. Roy Bud actually turned out to be another deputy in their department. Sheriff Bud’s uncle Jack was the mayor of the town. As a missile that was guaranteed to kill people in three minutes was being auctioned off inside the Hacker building at the plant Bud walked in and Sheriff Bud held a gun to a black officer’s head (Kabral) jokingly. The black deputy wanted to leave because he said all the white made him nervous Bud told him to stop because now he was looking at white people nervously even though he was white himself. Roy Boy bought a uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing for $25. R.J. Hacker then took the stage and tried to tell the people that he was upset as they were about the lay-offs even though he owned several other businesses with his name Hacker on them. The president then arrived. Stu, the President’s National Security advisor, spoke to R.J. after the President took the stage, and R.J. told Stu that it wasn’t helping America when they were no longer in a war because they were laying off thousands of voters and shutting down missile plants, such as R.J.’s company. Stu asked R.J. if he wanted them to call up the Russians. Elderly R.J. roughly man handled Stu and told him if he didn’t start the Cold War back up, then Stu would go right back where R.J. found him (R.J.’s corporate money got Stu the inside White House job where R.J. could control Stu from the outside). While the President spoke to the people, Roy Boy fired his grenade at the President, and Bud knocked the President out of the way where the two landed on a gun display that broke when they fell. The local sheriff and his duputies hoped to get on the TV show Cops because of it. The newspaper front page included a picture of the sheriff on top of the president with the headline “Niagara Sheriff ‘Falls,’ for President.” The next day, Stu informed the president that after the “assassination attempt,” the President got a 15-point boost in the polls. Stu was trying to do what Hacker corporate giant, R.J., wanted him to do so he tried to talk the President into another war so they could sell missiles. Vladimir Krushkin was in charge in Russia. The President wanted to have a summit meeting with Vladimir. The President called Vladimir and they had a meeting at an official building as Vladimir ate Hacker Fried Chicken (HFC). Vladimir didn’t want to talk about restarting the Cold War like the President suggested. Instead, the Russian said he was working on major things, like universal indoor plumbing, Buicks in every garage and cell phones in every home with MTV and VH-1, and wanted nothing to do with war. Vladimir and his people got up and walked out and decided they had better things to do with their time. General Panzer shouted at Vladimir that he was making a mistake by not wanting to put up a fight between Russia and America again. Outside, Stu tackled Vladimir to the ground but that didn’t change Vladimir’s mind and he left in his helicopter but not before the President said they could meet on neutral ground in Geneva to discuss it more. Vladimir ignored the President and just left in his helicopter. Next, the President and his team tried to find another enemy to go to war with, so they reviewed slides of mostly foreign people who were already dead or imprisoned. They started looking into an alien invasion idea to scare the crap out of people. The president suggested international terrorism, but then the subject turned to Canada. Back in Niagara Falls, NY world, the foursome sheriff’s team, that included Roy Boy, attended a game in Canada between their American hockey team and the Ontario Beavers. The Americans started badmouthing things about Canada, and when Bud said something awful about their beer the game stopped and one of the Beaver players jumped the gate and started pummeling the sheriff and a fight broke out in the rink. Stu watched the news footage from the fight at Canadian hockey game stadium the previous night and decided that the Canadians were violentbecause as the Canadian police on live TV were taking away the American sheriff who said that Canadian beer sucks the Canadian law enforcement started punching the American sheriff during the arrested. Stu got an idea from that and used the General’s phone to call Central Intelligence. He went to visit Gus working at the Canada Desk inside a government building. Gus was an angry man who didn’t like Koreans and took credit for advising JFK to get involved in the Vietnam War. Gus and Stu took a walk and discussed how Canadians were trying to ruin American lives, with the metric system, Celsius, and Neil Young. Gus added that socialists ran the entire Canadian government and Canada was practically our 51ststate. Canada had socialized medicine and provided free college, free trains, free eyeglasses, and free condoms. At a Presidential meeting later that night, Stu told the President about starting a Canada/America war, and a black man commented that Canada was whiter than the black people in America. Stu said that for those of them who thought Canada was a mom-and-pop operation, it was time to wake up and realize that Canada was the second largest country in the world, Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us undetected, and said they even eliminated the Miss Canada contest. The General mentioned the Air Force C-130 that crashed mysteriously over Canada a few years before. Stu told the President to give him one week and he would have Americans burning maple leaves and they wouldn’t have the time to think about their smog-filled lungs, rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts. The President was all in. In the news it was broadcast that Canada was building up its military bordering America and making Americans believe that Canada was now an enemy. Stu was included in that showing that Canada owned more of the US than any other country and it started listing Canadian celebrities who were walking among us, which included William Shatner, Michael J. Fox, Monty Hall, Mike Myers, and Alex Trebek, Lorre Greene, John Kenneth Galbriath, Rick James, Peter Jennings, Morley Safer, Leonard Cohen, Leslie Nielson, Raymond Burr, Louis B. Mayer, Ivan Reitman, Tommy Chong, Joni Mitchell, Rich Little, Paul Anka, Rick Moranes, K.D. Lang, and Jack Warner. There was a female newscaster Paulette Kahn on her talk show asking fellow Americans if the Canadian Prime Minister, Clark MacDonald, was a member of a satanic cult. The news was trying to terrorize America into believing that Canada was about to attack them and added to think of your children pledging allegiance to the Canadian maple leaf. At the local bar, Sheriff Bud talked to the crowd to recruit them because their town was right on the border and if the Canadians attacked, they would be the first ones in the battle. Bud deputized a bunch of the bargoers and told them to guard specific spots throughout the town with their rifles, such as the bowling alley, the bar, the visitor center while other townspeople put up, “Bomb Canada” signs around the community. Free guns were handed out to the citizens of Niagara Falls and anything Canadian was collected and thrown away and the townsfolk pointed guns at Toronto across the Falls. Stu met up in the woods with R.J., who told Stu that he needed to make the Americans feel their very lives were threatened; otherwise they weren’t going to get involved in a war of any kind. R.J. said back in the 1960s, LBJ bombed one of his own ships and blamed it on the Vietnamese. R.J. laughed about it saying that was exactly what they did, America shelled a U.S. navy ship in the Gulf of Tonkin, at least that was what they told everybody and as far as R.J. knew, the ship could have been out on Lake Erie, and the result was twenty-four hours after that happened, the U.S. senate held a vote and ninety-eight to two voted to go to war with and send troops to Vietnam. R.J. told Stu that was the truth and it could still work. As they laughed it up in the White House watching a commercial of how like maple syrup, Canada’s evil oozed over the United States and how long will we remain silent to the screams, the President got a call from P.M. MacDonald(with Stu listening in on the conversation on the other phone). The President lies about the situation (gaslighting game) around and denied that he knew nothing about what the news reported and hung up on the Prime Minister of Canada. After he hung up, the President said he could really get into this twisted gaming. Sly Stu said they needed to up the game and take it a step further and he suggested that they have trained professional actors who looked like Canadians be photographed as they sabotaged an installation inside the U.S. The General suggested they go up and knock out the Canadian infrastructure with a strike force, however Stu said that wasn’t happening because they didn’t want to start a war with Canada because it would be over in a few days, like how they didn’t even wake Reagan up for Grenada and they found a bunch of rich American med school rejects and a couple of Cuban construction workers. Then Stu mentioned Panama and Iraq as other examples. Stu asked the President if he wanted more of the short battles that would not amount to anything between countries, or did he want fifty years of Cold War prosperity because Joe Schmoe American was scared sh**less the world was going to end before the next commercial. The President liked Stu’s idea, so he told the General to get some Special Ops military people and dress them up like Canadians so they could go blow something up but nothing valuable and no casualties. Stu added that Canada would get the blame. At the New York Hydro Facility, Bud and his gunmen was on guard. Lo and behold, some people dressed up in Canadian clothing with the maple leaf logo and French berets showed up and began sabotaging the facility with inside agent Gus leading the drama show. Gus said he was just minutes away from blowing up the hydro plant as he grinned like a raving lunatic. The Canada imposters stealthily climbed down from the roof, but Bud saw them. Gus said wait until those SOBs back in Langley see that on the nightly news. As Gus filmed, Bud held a gun on him and stopped him in his tracks and radioed Honey and the others around the facility that he got one and the deputies then all brought the other “Canadians,” (aka rogue government employees) to where Bud was. As Bud read the fake Canadian criminals their rights Gus shouted to Bud to shut up because they were actually Americans. Bud shouted to call all of the federal agencies, the FBI, the CIA, the DA, Channel 5, and he threw ASPCA in there. Edwin S. Simon from the NBS News Center then reported that the Canadians had attempted to blow up the hydro plant in Niagara Falls, NY. Edwin said his correspondent, Charles Jackal, was covering the story after he finished his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic. Before reporter Chuck got to the story, he apologized to the people that he injured when he was driving under the influence that got him into the rehabilitation clinic in the first place. He started out with how Canada amassed 90% of their population to the unprotected border of the United States that stretched from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean. While Stu and R.J. played chess, Stu informed the corporate giant businessman, Hacker, that he would be happy to know the Hacker Hellstorm was delivered to Toronto the previous day. Stu asked R.J. what exactly the Hacker Hellstorm was, since Stu was the person who sold it to the Canadians. R.J. explained it was a devastating and destabilizing weapon, which was capable of launching all of the missiles in the United States at once. R.J. added that the Canadians couldn’t use it because he didn’t give them the operating codes and he laughed about it and added that the Canadians thought the device gave them an edge on high-tech weather forecasting. R.J. wouldn’t confirm to Stu that the Hellstorm was harmless. Kabral showed up at Honey’s door and went inside when she didn’t answer the door because it was unlocked and saw that she had a bunch of psycho hate for Canada articles and pictures hanging on her wall. Honey used to be an ex con turned deputy. He found Honey in her police uniform on plastering a small replica of the Canadian National Tower in Toronto. Kabral announced that he ought to carry the guns when he saw what looked to him like the biggest white man’s private parts he ever saw but turned out to be a replica of Canadian National Tower. He then announced that they were crossing the border to kick some Canadian butt that night, per Bud via a motorized raft. The sheriff’s bunch cut the engine and started paddling as they approached the Canadian enemy territory because they didn’t want to make any noise. Once on shore, they littered Oreo, Hacker Chicken, Budweiser beer cans, Dinty Moore, Ruffles chips, and Kleenex, and many other trash products along the Canadian shoreline. There was even a posted sign for a $1 million fine or imprisonment for littering in that area. Roy Boy started putting Bud’s laundry out too that was mixed in with the trash bags and they argued about picking the sheriff’s clothes up as two Canadian Mounties on their horses arrived on scene. The Mounties argued about Queen’s English and proper usage about how to tell the Americans to go back where they came from instead of apprehending the criminals who were now escaping on their raft without Honey, who had stayed behind and pointed a gun at the Mounties. They discussed that Wesley Snipes, Chuck Norris, and the Marines never left a man behind and they had to go back and get Honey (who was a woman). Bud said Honey was going to be fine because she was strong and a survivor, and then when he saw a bunch of fireworks go off he said he hoped she didn’t kill anybody because she was an ex-con and carried a strong hate inside her. At the bar back in Niagara Falls, Bud watched on TV the President go live from the White House and tell the people in a press conference that the Canadians were holding an American citizen hostage. To further their game, the President said he ordered the armed forces to be on alert and prepared to engage in Operation Canadian Bacon because he told the Canadians to release the female American Honey now. Speaking directly to the Prime Minister, the President said, “Surrender her pronto, or we’ll level Toronto. God bless America.” Bud raised his glass of Budweiser and God blessed the President for his words, not knowing it was all a scam. Edwin on NBS then reported that they had footage of hostage Honey. She was being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada as Honey on live TV screamed hate at Bud directly for deserting her. News Reporter Edwin said that sources in the Canadian area informed them that they were getting ready to terminate Honey. The sheriff and his deputies asked Chester for another round of drinks before Bud and the boys went to rescue Honey so she would have time to cool off and not kill them when they arrived. The sheriff and the deputies took another boat out. They walked right into the Canada Hydro Electric plant because there wasn’t a single locked door in that whole country.They broke into the control room with the guns and small missiles shouting, but all they found was a husband and wife elderly couple watching a nature program on TV with Ruthie knitting and both of eating cookies and drinking tea because they worked the night shift. The Americans all started pushing buttons and flipping switches trying to find the power source to the Mountie Headquarters and then they tied up the poor elderly man and woman to their chairs while Bud ate their cookies and drank their tea and repeatedly demanded to know where the power switch was to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters. The elderly man looked over at the corner silently at a switch, so Bud decided that was where the switch must be for the Mounties but elder Ruthie warned him not to flip it because it would shut off Canada’s electricity, but Bud didn’t believe her and the entire city suddenly blacked out when he flipped the switch. Bud left the elderly restrained in their chairs in the dark and moved out with his deputies to go find Honey. P.M. Clark MacDonald then called the President from Ottawa and discussed how Canada suddenly went black. The President said the Americans didn’t cut off the power because if they were up to something they would have mined Canada’s harbors. The General didn’t believe it was Bud and tried to convince the President that the Canadians were lying and it was just a trick because they told the President on the phone it was the sheriff right before that. As the General said this, Stu shook his head because he didn’t agree with the General and didn’t want the President to either because Stu wanted to keep the war going, per R.J., who Stu had a shady and secret relationship with (separate from Stu’s government job). As a male Canadian Mountie wrote I love you notes to a male criminal, Bud and the deputies were sneaking up to the Canadian police facility. The Americans broke down the door and held their guns on the Mountie and demanded he open the cell door to Honey’s cell. The Mountie took the Americans on a tour and basically told them Honey was not there. The Canadian explained that the first man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank, the next man in the next cell was arrested for being in too many bad moods, the third man in a suit was arrested for raiding a company, merging it with his conglomerate, and then fired all the employees. The Mountie attacked the businessman with a taser calling him a scum for doing that because he was a white-collar criminal. They then found out that Honey (the litterbug) was taken to the Capitol (Ottawa) location to give her a free mental health examination. As they wore their Canada attire the American sheriff and his boys left for Toronto, the Capitol, because they didn’t believe the Mountie that Ottawa was the Capitol. The Mountie continued taunting the executive behind the bars after the trio left. The American lawmen stole a Royal Mountie maintenance truck, and decided to vandalize it and spray-paint USA on the truck outside the Canadian police station. The government officials and the President sat around a table discussing what to do since they now had a brave group of Americans taking on Canada. Stu suggested that they send in the Omega Force. One official said the Helms Amendment and the NSC Order 725 both specifically prohibited the use of Omega Force against Caucasians. Stu replied that the President’s male secretary would read the Helms Amendment that way, however the President’s advisor, Stu, read it differently. Stu told the president they needed to take the sheriff out so it turned into a Cold War like they wanted all along and not a shooting war like the sheriff was trying to make happen. General Panzer told the president that Sheriff Boomer had become a national hero and they had very few of those in America, so they needed to keep him around. All across America, people started attacking and destroying those people born in Canada, and anyone with memorabilia of people born in Canada or from Canada, which included those Canadian sympathizers. They burned Toronto Blue Jays, Bryan Adams, the Canadian flags, spray-painting over Canadian storefronts, exploded Molson Canadian beer big-rig trucks. Some of the Americans even followed the sheriff into Canada in hopes of liberating that country. On Channel 6 news live TV, the gun-wielding Americans were seen chanting “USA,” and ranting hate toward Canada, telling their fellow citizens it was time to put America back in North America and God blessing Sheriff Bud Boomer. As the President used Christ’s name in vain, Stu told his boss that they had no other choice then to remove Bud Boomer judiciously and immediately. The President didn’t reply, so Stu jumped up and used the red phone to call the Omega Force into action, as though he himself were President. In the next scene, the American military team scalied the cliffside of Niagara Falls and went into Canada via motorized boat with guns. The Mountie cop played go fish with the criminals at a table in the Mountie headquarters when the Omega Force broke into the log cabin with their guns. The Canadian Mountie got up and welcomed them to Canada as one soldier with the American flag patch on his sleeve punched the Mountie in the face twice and then they showed him a picture of Bud as they pointed more guns at the Mountie until he answered that Boomer was in Toronto. Meanwhile, Kabral in the truck complained because Bud was driving and Kabral was trying to play the black card and say that was the reason why because he was black. However, Sheriff Bud responded that lots of people drove so that wasn’t true such as Danny Glover, and they discussed Eddie Murphy. Then, an Ontario motorcycle officer with his sirens on pulled over the Canadian Mounted Police truck. He asked for the license and registration and could visibly see “Die Canuk,” spray-painted on the truck and when he learned they were Americans he welcomed them to the area and then told Bud to step out of the truck. On the side of the truck more negative graffiti on the side about the Canadians and positive for the USA. The officer said he had concern for the society and French-Canadians about the writing on the vehicle, which was why he pulled them over. The Ontario policeman gave Bud a lesson that all signs must comply with their laws and be written in both English and French, Canada’s two official languages. He fined Bud $1,000 Canadian $10 American dollars. Bud paid the officer $10 cash on the spot, but before he could go the Canadian officer made him spray-paint what they wrote in English in French as well on the side of the truck so it would be lawful and they would avoid prosecution. Meanwhile, Honey was inside a hospital buried underneath a bunch of stuffed animals in her hospital bed. She looked outside her window and identified she was in Ottawa because there were sled dogs outside in the snow. Male and female young teen candy-stripers then appeared with a creepy puppet. They explained that the universal healthcare system determined that Honey didn’t need to see a doctor until 2006, so until then the candy-stripers were there to keep her comfortable and give her a kidney transplant. The girl said the transplant couldn’t be right and the boy told her to check the paperwork and then Honey started attacking them and tied them up with a rope. Bud drove over the yellow line and they all started singing only the chorus from Bruce’s “Born in the USA,” and the word “Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma…” from the Oklahoma song because those were the only lyrics they knew. Honey stole the candy stripe uniform from the teens and dressed up like a candy-striper and then picked up her high-powered machine gun on her way out to make a getaway from the hospital, stealing a coat from somebody in the hall. Omega, in their all-black attire covering every inch of their bodies with sunglasses and a face mask completely covering their faces and mouth so it was impossible to tell their skin color, made their way through the woods in search of Bud on foot and waterway. One U.S. military soldier fell behind because he hurt his toe, so another soldier ran back and shot him dead in the head, leaving the dead military man there in the woods so he could catch up with the other troops. The Sheriff and his deputies sat around a campfire eating canned beans and Spam and playing a harmonica (with loons and wolves in the background). They talked about how cool the movie The Dirty Dozen was with Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, Ernest Borgnine, Jim Brown, Telly Savalas, Clint Walker, Trini Lopez. Kabral added that he if he was putting together a team of murderers and cutthroats, Trini would not be included in his team. They discussed how that was why Trini died first and so did Jim Brown and others. Kabral talked about how the black man always died first in the movies, including The Dirty Dozen, Unforgiven, Alien, Rocky IV, The Shining. Roy Boy then chimed in and added Star Trek II, Forrest Gump, Witness, Night of the Living Dead, Jurassic Park (keep in mind there are probably the same amount of white people dying as the other races in movies). Kabral started looking around suspiciously at his buddies worried that he was next to die. Roy Boy joked and told Kabral not to worry because he would pass for a Canadian, not, and then he and Bud laughed about it. Then they talked about the Dirty Dancing movie to change the subject. In R.J.’s corporate office, he smoked his normal cigar, entered his pin code into the Hacker Hellstorm system to select missile launch sites around the United States (Boise, Carson City, Moab, Billings, Grand Forks, Cheyenne, and Little Rock). He established contacts between those missile sites and the National Tower in Toronto where the Hellstorm was located. The computerized female voice said the American missiles were now under control of the Hacker Hellstorm. He sipped his liquor in his chair and laughed like a madman as he started the launch to twelve hours before the missiles were released. Inside the government control center, the President tried to figure out where Omega Force men were on the ground in Canada, when an alarm went off inside the building and the General told him it was the Def-Con 4 alarm, which stood for Defense condition 4 which meant a nuclear attack was imminent or the opposite, in this case imminent. The General said the missile in Utah was aimed at Moscow, Russia. He added that it seemed all of the American missiles that had been activated were targeted at former Soviet Republics. The President wanted to know why they were all pointed at Russia, to which the General replied it was because the Intelligence committee couldn’t decide who was a bigger threat more than that area of the world, and he went on to say that if the missiles are launched, then the Russians would launch their own missiles back at America. As part of the Pentagon Press Corps on the U.S. Canadian border, Edwin from NBS told the viewers that although they wouldn’t be able to see everything because it was classified, they would see what they needed to see. His speech that he gave on live TV was mostly bleeped out because they were trying to create a pandemic and just give people something to think about because Edwin’s words of sons and daughters in Canada were about the only words getting televised, so it put fear into the minds of whoever watched and had loved ones there. The government officials figured out then that whoever activated the missiles in the U.S. did it from Canada, so the President, General, and President’s secretary all looked to Stu to figure out what the Hacker Hellstorm was. Once they figured out what the nuclear Hellstorm was, Stu said that he couldn’t tell the President and the others how Canada got it because the information was classified so he walked away. The President demanded to get R.J. Hacker on the phone. The American sheriff group stopped outside of Toronto to gaze at the city, and Roy Boy remarked that it was like Albany, but Toronto was cleaner. Honey had hitched a ride to Toronto from Ottawa and was dropped off at the National Tower. There was nobody on the streets, so the sheriff stopped the stolen truck he drove and Bud asked a schoolgirl with her ice skates where everybody was and she replied they were at the Tower where there was some crazy American lady with a big gun. The trio figured out that was Honey and headed to the Tower. A Royal Mountie helicopter showed up on scene at the Tower and tried to talk Honey down from the tower where she was holding her gun. Stu met R.J. and escorted him to the President inside the building. As the two walked, Stu said he didn’t understand how the Canadians actually got a fully functional and operational Hellstorm. Stu said he didn’t realize what he sold to the Canadians and thought it wasn’t usable and was mad at R.J. for getting him into the dangerous mess. R.J. told Stu to calm down, because even though that might be true, he pulled out a sheet of codes from his pocket and said he was the only person who had all the codes and the Canadians couldn’t launch the missiles, only him, R.J. then told Stu that he had all the codes and he was in control as they walked into the area where the President and the General were waiting for R.J. R.J. confirmed to the President that the Canadians had the power to launch the U.S. missiles, and that if the President hadn’t canceled the Hellstorm program, then the technology wouldn’t be in Canadian hands. R.J. went on to say that when the project was canceled, he was out $500 million and he had to make up for his losses. The General commented to the President, yes, after all the billions R.J. made on Uncle Sam. The General said in a decent, God-fearing country, he would be able to beat R.J. and Stu to death, and added that it was scum like them that made a simple war (which the president created as a game) all screwed up and confusing. R.J. replied that it was people like himself who kept people like the General in business. They then got an alert that there was missile activity registering in Nevada. The President asked R.J. where the Hellstorm was installed in Canada, and R.J. evaded the question by replying that if you were a possum being hunted, you would find the highest branch. The American sheriff and his gang arrived at the Tower, pushing and rudely shoving the gathered crowd out of the way while carrying their guns. Bud went upstairs, leaving his two deputies below, to go find Honey and rescue. Back in Washington, R.J. informed the President that he also built Hellstorm number 2 in addition to Hellstorm number 1, and 2 was to defend America against 1 if an enemy should ever get ahold of it. The President said that was insane, and R.J. argued that was business, and then told the President it would cost him $1 trillion if he wanted Hellstorm 2.The General jumped in and asked R.J. about his patriotism and reminded him about the Alamo, the Halls of Montezuma, the Sands of Iwo Jima, the Guns of Navarone. The General added didn’t R.J. ever fantasize about The Duke in The Flying Leathernecks. With just thirty minutes until missile launch time, another alarm went off in the building. Omega Force arrived in Toronto on foot. Down to seven minutes until missile launch time, another alarm went off in the building. Stu shouted at the President to either negotiate with R.J. or just give him what he wanted. R.J. got up and said he was going to put some shoe leather between him and “ground zero,” and for the President to call him when he was ready to five R.J. the $1 trillion. The President didn’t understand and was trying to think everything through and questioned why the Canadians would try to start a war between the Americans and the Russians. Stu started after R.J. as the President ordering for Intelligence to be put on the phone. Stu ran upstairs and confronted R.J. on the overhead about how R.J. himself was launching the missiles, not Canada. R.J. replied that once he got the 1 trillion dollar money, he would turn the missiles off. Stu grabbed R.J.’s jacket pocket and pulled out the codes and punched R.J. over the upstairs railing and he fell onto the table the President was sitting at in the command center room below. Stu laughed like a madman with the codes in his hand and the President shouted for the guards to arrest Stu, and the military police apprehended him. Stu screamed he had the codes and not to arrest him, but one MP person took the paper out of his hands and shoved it in Stu’s mouth. The General and the President tried to revive R.J., but the General told the president that R.J. bought the farm (was dead). Bud climbed the many stairs to the top of the Tower while the Omega squad showed up outside and ran through the crowd, knocking people to the ground as they went, with news anchors on site filming and firefighters standing around and the Mounties watching as well. The MP tied Stu to a chair and brought Stu to the General with tape over the code paper in his mouth. The General wouldn’t let Stu speak to tell everybody that he had the codes on the paper in his mouth to shut down the missiles. The General told the guards to take Stu out of the room instead of letting Stu speak and looking at the paper. The President told the General they needed to warn the Russians, and the General told him that Vladimir couldn’t be reached. The General had a private conversation with the President where the General said he would destroy any nation, including his own, if the President gave him the word and talked about wiping the Canucks off the map with nuclear weapons. The President replied that he couldn’t kill America’s neighbors because he summered up there in Canada. The President was told they lost connection with Omega, and the General added that Moscow was about to blow up, and Russia was no doubt soon to retaliate with a little more than two minutes left on the clock. The President wanted Prime Minister MacDonald on the phone and said he would give MacDonald anything he wanted because he still believed the prime minister was in control of the missiles and was the only person who could shut them off. Omega stormed into the tower and climbed the stairs to the top. Honey then heard a female computerized voice from the Hacker Hellstorm weather forecasting center saying that it was one minute, fifty seconds until total annihilation and have a nice day. Canada’s prime minister and America’s president argued on the phone about who had control of the Hellstorm because neither of them could turn it off. The prime minister put his wife on to talk to the President about the “rockettes” and college. Honey heard that the American missiles would launch in one minutes, thirty seconds and she located the Hellstorm device in the Tower where the computer voice was coming from. Honey used her gun to blow the wall apart to gain access to Hellstorm. Sheriff Bud made it to the top but stayed put grasping the side of the tower. Omega was slowly closing in behind him. With 40 seconds on the clock, Honey breaks the barrier to gain access to the room and destroy the Hellstorm from launching the missiles. As this was happening, the President was still on the phone begging Canada PM to shut it off and promising anything he wanted in return and tells Clark he won and not to continue with his gameplay. Omega was not able to make it to the top of the tower and had to catch their breath. Honey, now inside the control system room, recognizes the Hacker Hellstorm device and puts two and two together to figure out that the Canucks were in on it with Hacker. With all her hate, rage, and anger, Honey shot up the inside of the Canadian control panel laughing like a madwoman as she did so. At 0.00.8 left on the clock, her machine gun bullets stopped the missiles from launching because her gunfire ultimately destroyed Hellstorm altogether and the launch was aborted (female ex con turned female bad cop saved the day in the movie world). The President and his team then celebrated. Honey exited the room to find Bud outside by the stairwell pinned against the wall because he was afraid of heights. Honey rescued the Sheriff and her out of the tower quickly by using the elevator and then stole an ambulance to make a getaway alone to the boat. They stopped to look at the American side with all the smog and unclean buildings and couldn’t wait to get home to America. Later on, Sheriff Bud realized his dream and became a regular on the COPS show. Honey became the National Rifle Association’s “Humanitarian of the Year.” The President was then defeated in the next election by the largest landslide in US History and now hosted, “Get Up, Cleveland.” Stu only served 8 months of a lifetime sentence for selling his country out in treason and then was pardoned by the new President Ollie North. The General took his own life after learning that “Hogan’s Heroes” was fictional. Gus was last spotted heading South where a Mexico sign showed “your free trade neighbor” and had G.M. De Mexico, Walmart De Mexico, and IBM De Mexico listed on the Mexico welcoming sign. However, Gus plowed through it with his stolen military army tank he was driving. Also, mentioned was the body of R.J. Hacker could be seen daily from 9 am to 5 pm at Repulican National Headquarters. Kabral became National Hockey League’s “Most Valuable Player.” Kabral played defense three years in a row for Tornonto Maple Leafs. Roy Boy’s whereabouts were unknown. Canadian Prime Minister Clark MacDonald was still ruling with an iron fist. The movie ended with the sheriff driving his boat way to close to Niagara Falls dropoff. Entertainment Weekly was listed on coverart of movie packaging, “A determinedly wacky comedy. Candy is, as usual, lovable.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/20/2023

TITLE: The Colt 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2005 Hallmark Entertainment/Echo Bridge Home Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in 1864 in Virginia during the Civil War. The movie began with a trooper named Tyler Rabb dying in battle. Later that same night, Tyler’s living brother, James (Jim), found comfort in speaking to his horse, Jen. However, bombs then went off around the camp. The Yankee (North) soldiershurried to save the horses, but some of them escaped into the woods, including Jen. The next morning, Jim went in search of Jen and discovered that Jen gave birth to a colt in Jim’s absence. Jim arrived back at the camp with Jen and the colt. He told Longacre that he didn’t know Jen was with foal, but Sgt. Longacre told Jim to shoot the colt. Jim aimed his gun at the colt’s head, but then the gun jammedwhen he pulled the trigger. He spoke with Tom Covington, the illustrator hired to document the war, and that resulted in Jim changing his mind and putting the gun down. He set the colt free into the wild, but it wasn’t long before it returned to camp. Longacre was angry to see the colt was still alive and pulled out his gun to shoot it, but he couldn’t do it either. He spoke with Lieutenant Hutton, who agreed to let the colt tag along as they headed south. Jim asked Tom to draw a picture of the colt for him. Meanwhile, the North Carolina Confederate (South) regimen encountered a soldier named Hatch. Hatch said he was from the Georgia regimen, and he explained how his fellow soldiers died and he missed the fight because he was laid up at a farmhouse recuperating from a dog bite. North Carolina Sgt. Woodruff agreed to let Hatch join their regimen. The two regimens, North Carolina (South) and Michigan (North) later met up in the woods and battled. The colt ran off towards the enemy in fear, and Jen, with Jim on her back, followed. Afterwards, Jim was really going to shoot the colt this time, but Hutton stopped him and told him that both Jen and her colt displayed gallantry by charging towards the enemy. Sergeant Woodruff of North Carolina attacked Hatch because he realized Hatch had lied and was actually a deserter when he ran from their battle. Sgt. Woodruff threw a gun to Hatch so he could fight next time and gave him a verbal reprimand that clearly impacted the soldier’s mental thinking. Later on, a Michigan Yankee soldier, Stanton, was shot and killed by a South Carolina Confederate named Isaac Silsbee. He stole Jen and the colt, and Jim took Stanton’s horse to chase after Isaac. Jim shot Isaac in the back, and Isaac wanted Jim to talk to him before he died. He asked Jim to write a note to his sister in Charleston telling her what happened because Isaac was the only family she had left. Isaac asked to be buried somewhere he wouldn’t be alone and the wild hogs wouldn’t get to him. While Jim tried to find his way back to camp, a dog appeared and led him and the horses to meet the Calloway family, Leander and Lucy and their two young children, Henry and Sarah. They eventually agreed to help Jim bury Isaac on their property. Leander Calloway said the prayer asking God to accept Isaac, and that even though Isaac was an enemy of theirs on Earth, the judgement of his eternal soul was God’s alone. Leander also asked for the war to end and America to be united once again. That family in the South knew they were helping a Yankee soldier from the North, and treated him like a guest in their house during the horrible war. Because Jim had the decency enough to take the time to bury an enemy on the Calloway property, putting his life in danger in doing so at the enemy’s request, the Calloway family saw the human in Jim. The parents understood that living in peace with GOD was the ultimate goal for all humans and a senseless war (Civil) that left many hundreds of thousands of GOD’s children dead ought never to have happened because all of HIS people are free, as HE created his male and female to be. Before Jim left to continue on his way, he left Stanton’s horse with the family. Henry named the colt Shadow, and Sarah named him Silky, before Jim took the colt with him back to the battleground. Jim was found by his regimen and taken back to their camp. Longacre threatened to report Jim for desertion. Sgt. Longacre said he was trying to stop thinking about going home to his wife and children. Jim told him that if he stopped thinking about his family, he was already dead anyway. The Yankees came to a river, and Hutton instructed his regimen to cross. Little did he know, Lt. Hutton should have listened to Sgt. Longacre’s instincts in crossing further upriver because the North Carolina regimen was waiting on the other side with guns at the ready. The two regimens started shooting at each other, and Jim ran out into the open during the gunfire to rescue the colt, and was trapped in the water because the rope around his neck was stuck on a floating log. Woodruff told Hatch to shoot Yankee Jim, but Hatch refused because he was afraid. The battle stopped for a moment, and then Confederate Sgt. Woodruff decided to help Yankee Jim get the colt onto dry land. It appeared the two opposing regimens made peace with each other when the colt was pulled to land. But as Sgt. Woodruff walked away to leave the area and “cease fire,” and left Jim standing alone on the bank with his colt, Hatch decided to obey Woodruff’s orders and then shot Jim in the back, killing him instantly. The shooting started back up for only a moment before the Confederates retreated. Jen and the colt stayed by Jim’s side as weeping Tom drew a picture of the scene, and told Longacre he was keeping the picture of Jim for himself and it wasn’t part of any military assignment.

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DATE REVIEWED: 3/16/23

TITLE: My Fellow Americans 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1996 Warner Bros./Peters Entertainment/Storyline Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie begins with the new American president elect, Republican Senator Russell P. Kramer of Ohio. At the beginning of his speech Kramer said “God bless you,” and then went on to say that dreams were like children which needed encouragement and support grow, be nurtured and shelter, and be allowed to run free. Four years later, Kramer’s rival, Democratic Governor Matt Douglas of Indiana, was elected to the presidency. Kramer told the people that he congratulated the Indiana Governor Douglas on his presidential victory. Four years after that, in Houston, Texas on CNN Live, the new president, William (Bill) Haney, was elected. Before he went out to address the people, Ted Matthews, his vice president elect, asked the new president elect if they wanted to wait for the official voting results before they addressed the people, and Haney replied to his veep why did they need to wait when now former President Douglas just conceded on national television that he lost the race (because obviously Haney went off from the TV reports versus the official voting tallies). Three years later, former Republican president Kramer was in Japan. He gave a speech introducing Hiroshi Ashino as Matsamuda’s Insurance Underwriter of the Year because he signed a contract to be a speaker for them. A person dressed up in a China panda suit at a Japanese event appeared and started dancing with Hiroshi and then Kramer, who used Jesus Christ’s name in vain. Afterwards, Kramer was chewing out one of his employees, Caldwell, and told him that he didn’t dance with animals and didn’t want his picture in the paper with the dancing panda and crazy headlines because he was a former president. A man named Bruce handed Kramer a note from the current president Haney, and when Kramer opened it he wasn’t happy to find out that Haney was sending him to another funeral. Former president Douglas just got out of bed with a younger blonde female named Joanna, his book editor. He didn’t want to hear her talking about how she just slept with the leader of the free world and instead he wanted to know how she felt about the new book he wrote he. Douglas pulled Joanna’s bra out of his pants, as he was getting dressed, and then said he wasn’t going to be like Kramer running around the country sucking up every dime. He added that Jimmy Carter was a class act because he went around building homes for poor people with his own hands. Former Democratic President Douglas said that his attitude now since “the people” didn’t vote for him was “let them freeze.” After Douglas came out of Joanna’s hotel room, his secret service agents wanted to know how the former president escaped a bathroom stall without them seeing, Douglas asked them how many times an assassination attempt had ever been made on a former president, to which they replied none so he told them to go find something to do, like take a night off or go rent “In the Line of Fire,” again. Douglas was headed to the funeral as well, and he said it wasn’t so bad since the dead person, General Charles Sherman, was a Republican, not a Democrat. Onboard the executive government aircraft was Kramer. He and Douglas weren’t happy to see each other. Douglas asked Kramer who leads when you dance with a panda, and Kramer retaliated and asked how Douglas’s marriage was going. Douglas replied that he was in the middle of a divorce because his wife, Katherine, couldn’t stand being out of the White House. They compared their assassination attempts when they were sitting presidents to determine how popular they were with the people. They then stopped because they realized they were together because a man died. At the funeral service, with military ready to shoot off their guns to salute the dead veteran, the two former presidents argued about their whores in office. Haney watched from the White House on television Kramer give the same speech he had given for many years comparing dreams and children. His Chief of Staff, Carl Witnaur, then interrupted Haney. Carl told Haney that the Democrats might have damaging information concerning Olympia. Carl suggested that they blame Kramer (who had been president at the time) for the scandal if it did come out, since it had been buried for many years and was now resurfacing. Carl added that they could make it appear like Kramer knew about it by fiddling with the records and rewriting some history. He added that no less than the presidency was at stake if it didn’t get addressed pronto, and he promised that it was the last Haney would have to hear of it. Haney replied, “Hear about what?” to dismiss Carl to go handle the situation. Haney turned the TV back on to listen to the funeral service, and he had a fit that the speaker was going to quote the lyrics from the song about muskrats which Mrs. Sherman revealed was the deceased (Charlie Sherman’s) favorite song. At a formal White House event, female news anchor named Kaye Griffin told Kramer that a scandal was about to break and it involved him in the headlines. She explained that rumor had it during Kramer’s last year in office, he took a very generous kickback for delivering a defense contract. He and the contractor had supposedly discussed it during lunch in the Oval Office. However, reporter Kaye refused to tell Kramer the name and walked away because Diane Sawyer was Kramer’s favorite news anchor, not Kaye In another part of the party room, the Democratic Chairman, Joe Hollis, was walking around with Douglas talking about the same story. He told Douglas that Haney was shifting the blame to Kramer, who was not responsible, and Joe also revealed to Douglas that the contractor’s name was Charlie Reynolds. Joe told Douglas that since he was going to be in Washington for his book event, then he needed to try to clear up the false accusations against Kramer. Douglas responded that he wasn’t getting involved, and Joe said that if Douglas did get involved, the Democratic Party would be extremely grateful to Douglas for it. Joe added that they both knew Douglas wanted to get back into the Oval Office again, and Joe confirmed that the Democratic Party would back Douglas for a future presidential run if he helped them now. Kramer talked it over with his wife, Margaret, and asked her who would benefit from framing him for something that happened seven years ago when he was President that he never did. President Haney then made his grand appearance with “Hail to the Chief,” playing. Douglas walked back over to Joe and told him he was going to do it because it was a bonus for him since he could get the son of a bit** he hated (Haney) and the son of a bit** he really hated (Kramer). In the next scene, Kramer rode around in a golf cart at a golfing event wearing the Matsmuda Insurance logo on his jacket. Kramer wanted to know what the contractor’s name was, and his driver, Caldwell, told him to zip the jacket up because showing the company logo was part of the contract the ex president signed with the Japanese company, Matsmuda. Kramer replied that he wondered what the insurance company would pay him if he tattooed their logo on his butt. While Douglas golfed, he tipped Kramer with a dollar bill for holding his golf club while Douglas went over and kissed a female in the crowd, making Kramer look like he was just a caddy and not another former president. Afterwards, vice president Ted, who was also playing golf with the presidents, hit a man’s in the head with his golf ball. An ambulance had to be called, and as Ted apologized to the injured person, several reporters were listening and writing down his words. Ted, a white man, brought the race card into the picture because the injured man was black and told him “I know your people, the black people…don’t enjoy the game. It’s because you can’t get into the nice clubs, the restricted ones. But blacks are so good at many sports. Maybe it’s good that we white folk have a sport you guys aren’t so good at.” A government agent then escorted Ted away from the scene. Kramer warned Haney about being stuck with a bad lie. Back in the hotel room with Margaret, former president Kramer got a call from his assigned secret service agent, Caldwell, who informed him that the contractor’s name was Charlie Reynolds. Kramer picked it up right away and said that he believed it was Haney’s mess and he was shifting it to Kramer using the contractor to lie. Kramer told Margaret that he remembered he didn’t meet with Charlie alone, yet they were trying to break the story and change history that Kramer actually had a private meeting with Charlie the contractor. Margaret then told Kramer not to put refill the liquor he took out of the fridge with water because that was so George Bush (meaning Kramer didn’t want to pay for the alcohol so he made it look like he never drank it). Kramer than realized that if a meeting took place in the Oval Office, there had to be a record of everybody present in the log. He planned to send Caldwell to the National Archives to get the records, but little did Kramer know that the sitting president already had the old records deleted and replaced with fake records that coincided with Haney’s team of criminals concocted story. Kramer and Margaret joked about stealing the shampoos and conditioners in the hotel room, and Kramer said that he already stole them when Margaret offered to do it. Caldwell went to the Archives and phoned Kramer to tell him that in the books it only showed Kramer’s name, Reynold’s name, and “Olympia,” circled in red at the bottom of the page. Kramer showed up at Charlie Reynolds’s office and confronted him about the meeting seven years ago. Charlie said that he remembered it happening exactly how President Haney’s office said. Charlie said that just the two of them were there and there was nothing further to discuss, and he tried to gaslight Kramer into believing that his memory was wrong. Kramer replied how was this to discuss, Chucky (Charlie) and his inside political buddies tampering with documents in the National Archives and how hard that would be to explain when Charlie got subpoenaed. Charlie again denied (deny deny deny) knowing anything of what Kramer was talking about and said he would stand by his original statement. Kramer said that he would stand alone and walked out into the hallway where secret service agent Jim was waiting for him. He escorted Kramer to the elevator, and Kramer called him Bruce. He was corrected that the name was Jim, and Kramer replied that he was black and he was tall, whoopee-de-doo, so just walk with him. This happened just as the other ex president Douglas arrived with the assigned secret service people for Douglas exiting another elevator to speak with Charlie.They took a walk outside Charlie’s business office to talk about old times. Douglas told Charlie that it was turning into a huge political bomb and he didn’t believe Charlie’s story, not that he minded because when the bomb blew up, Douglas’s party was going to be in the presidency. Douglas said that either Haney or Kramer was going down, and the Democrats could offer Charlie immunity if he gave them the real name of the person who took the kickback. Charlie looked around for witnesses, and Douglas said that if it was Kramer, he was going to give Charlie a big kiss on the lips, with or without the tongue, which was Douglas’s choice. The next day, Charlie called the White House and spoke with Carl to tell him that the two former presidents came to his office the previous day, and he was very worried because he knew he was lying and didn’t want to get caught. Carl told his puppet Charlie to be calm and know that he had the full power of the White House behind him. After the call ended, Carl told Colonel Paul Tanner of the NSA, the hitman in Carl’s government office, that Charlie seemed shaky. Tanner replied he had better go check on Charlie and give him some “moral support.”Later on, at the Washington Convention Center, Kramer signed copies of his new cookbook “Hail to the Chef!” Douglas was nearby (next to the Little Brown And Company booth) breathing fire at Joanna that Kramer wrote a cookbook. Charlie’s female secretary, Kathleen Taylor, arrived on scene at Joann and Douglas’s booth (for his upcoming book). The secret service let Kathleen through, and she handed a book to Douglas to get his autograph for Charlie’s daughter. Inside the book was a note written to Douglas from Charlie that said “Meet me at Union Station Southeast Corner. Silver Mercedes. Noon. Come alone!” To escape the secret service, Douglas had preordered a sandwich. When the delivery guy showed up with a paper bag and said he had the sandwich, Douglas told his secret service he didn’t order a sandwich, so the feds tackled the delivery guy and Douglas made his getaway wearing a hat, dark sunglasses, and a tan trench coat. Another man, dressed in a suit, followed him out of the building. As Douglas walked to Charlie’s car to get in, the other man called for President Douglas. Douglas turned around, and the man reached into his jacket pocket as though pulling out his gun and instead handed Douglas an envelope, telling him it was a subpoena that he was officially serving Douglas (really it was just part of the distraction so Charlie could be murdered before he talked). On the spot, Douglas opened the envelope and said “Oh, God,” when he saw that the subpoena was from his soon to be ex-wife. While the Douglas incident happened outside the vehicle, a hitman drove up next to Charlie’s car and shot a gun (which had a silencer on it) out of his car, killing Charlie instantly. Douglas didn’t know it even happened until he got in the car and told Charlie to never get a divorce because Douglas swore half the time somebody should walk up and shoot him. Douglas then looked over and saw that Charlie was sitting dead in the seat next to him. Douglas immediately jumped out of the car (leaving his divorce paperwork behind) when he heard Kramer coming up wearing his red, white, and blue jacket unzipped so the Japanese logo couldn’t be seen. Kramer asked what was going on, so Douglas pushed Kramer’s head down to see dead Charlie with a bullet hole in the window (and people in business suits walking along in front of the Postal Museum building like nothing happened). Kramer demanded to know what Douglas did to Charlie, and the two walked a little away and hid behind a building pillar arguing about dumb stuff. They agreed that didn’t want to be seen near the dead man because they were two ex-presidents, so they went away to a place where they could talk privately. A tow truck sent by crooked Carl to clean up the mess pulled up alongside Charlie’s car. The passenger got out, pushed dead Charlie down in his seat so nobody could see him, and took the car away from the scene of the crime as if it never happened. The presidents went to Kramer’s adult daughter’s house, where Douglas was trying to cover up his error of swearing by paying off Kramer’s grandson, Davy, with money so he wouldn’t say anything. Young Davy held a play gun that looked pretty real, and Kramer took it away and told Davy to go hide (hide and seek game). Kramer then ignored Davy and continued talking to Douglas. Outside the house was a Washington Suburban Sanitary Commission blue truck listening in on the conversation inside the house between the two ex-presidents because the house was previously bugged. Douglas said that even though Kramer wasn’t there, he thought Kramer was involved with Charlie’s death somehow. Kramer responded that Douglas was the one sitting in the dead man’s car. Kramer’s daughter then let Colonel Paul Tanner (Carl’s partner in crime) into the house, and he told the former presidents that they needed to meet with President Haney ASAP, and their transportation to Camp David was already on its way. Kramer wanted to know how Tanner found them there, and Tanner replied that it was their business to know where the former presidents were at all times. Both former presidents rode to Camp David in the military helicopter. However, Douglas soon realized they were nowhere near Camp David, and he called the major flying the chopper to ask him why it was taking so long to get to Camp David. The major pilot responded that they weren’t going to Camp David and that Haney was still at the White House. Douglas hung up the phone and told Kramer there was something wrong since they were being taken to the middle of nowhere. Douglas called the major back and told him to call the White House on the radio, but the major replied that he couldn’t because he had been instructed to maintain radio silence. Douglas demanded they land the chopper, but when the major refused saying that was against his classified orders, Kramer used his grandson’s toy gun and held it to the major’s head, telling him to land the plane or he would blow his head off. Douglas took the real gun from the co-pilot and shot the control panel so they wouldn’t be able to use the control panel. Douglas and Kramer exited the chopper into the wilderness. The copilot and pilot talked it over and decided that they had to trail Kramer and Douglas, otherwise it was their butts if they lost the ex-presidents in the woods. Kramer and Douglas argued because Douglas had demanded they get out of the aircraft when Kramer said they could have demanded the pilots take them back to Washington using the gun. Douglas said that Kramer could have told him that while they were on the plane, but Kramer replied that as usual, the Republican came up with a plan while the Democrat aimlessly wandered in the woods. The chopper had the presidents in the spotlight and wasn’t going anywhere, so the presidents decided to have them come down and pick them up. Kramer signaled the chopper to land, but suddenly the aircraft exploded in a fiery inferno because the hitman Paul Tanner put a bomb on it. The two presidents watched the aircraft engulfed in flames, and realized they could have been on it and they couldn’t believe the two innocent soldiers were dead in somebody’s crude political game. As they walked through the woods, Kramer ranted about Haney being responsible for the whole catastrophe and that Kramer was going to call Kaye Griffin and the former presidents would go on TV and tell everybody about Reynolds’ murder and the helicopter explosion. Douglas told Kramer that just because they were presidents didn’t mean people were going to believe their story. Meanwhile Colonel Paul Tanner called Wilkerson and told him to call Douglas’s and Kramer’s families and tell them the presidents were called on an emergency summit and therefore they would not be reachable and that the government had no further information. Colonel Paul added that unless the presidents were found in the wreckage, they were alive somewhere with about a three-hour head start and told Wilkerson to put up checkpoints for ten square miles around the crash site and Tanner wanted it resolved that night. As they shared Tootsie Rolls on their journey Kramer figured out, after Douglas called him cheap for not giving him a whole Tootsie Roll, and remembered that he had every meal served in the White House tracked because he had a budget to uphold. Kramer planned to retrieve the records of what meals were served with Charlie that day and how many people (because Haney was at that lunch meeting) were in attendence using the White House lunch log that wasn’t store at the National Archives building but instead at Kramer’s Presidential library in Ohio. Douglas said he couldn’t call the library because people would be looking for them and tapping their phones in their offices and their homes so he suggested they walk to Ohio in the dark. Reporter Kaye showed up at a fancy restaurant and met with Democratic Chairman Joe. Kaye informed Joe that Kramer and Douglas were missing because Kramer had canceled all of his appointments that week and Douglas was gone too. Kaye asked if Kramer and Douglas could be in on it together. Joe replied over the ex presidents dead bodies could that ever happen. Back in the mountains, the ex presidents came across the Black Mountain train station out of the woods. A local man at the stand up open room stall was startled to see both presidents walk up on either side of him while he relieved himself, and join him. The countryman finished first then zipped his pants up and tried to shake Douglas’s hand as he was still going potty. Douglas said he couldn’t because he had to keep his hands on the “first penis,” so the guy said it was no problem nice to meet you and without washing his hands he put them on both the presidents’ shoulders before walking out of the restroom. Next, an Elvis impersonator came out of the bathroom stall. Elvis real name Francis, didn’t believe they were the real presidents and thought they were impersonators like himself so he told them once they got on the train to Cleveland it was every man for himself with the tips onboard. The train carried a bunch of fans of the North Carolina Tar Heels who were headed to the finals. The people thought the presidents were like Elvis and were striking up conversations with the ex-presidents asking Kramer if he ever met the real President Kramer and he said yes he was a good guy but the people joked in a very negative way about the dreams/children he always used speech. Douglas hit it off with a Marilyn look-alike and she told Douglas that she actually had a fling with the real Douglas at a Fourth of July event a couple of years ago. They continued badmouthing Kramer where one man told everyone that the old presidents wanted to keep getting re-elected when they should just lie down and be deadso Kramer squeezed his juice box multiple times all over the man and said it was a muscle spasm and then walked away saying he needed to get his medication. Marilyn added that having sex with President Douglas was a lot like his presidency there was a lot of talk leading up to it but he didn’t do much in the end. Kramer found Douglas and told him the train stopped in Akron that wasn’t far from Cuyahoga Falls where his library was and it wasn’t in Cleveland even though he was born there because Cleveland wouldn’t cut Kramer a decent deal on property taxes. As they approached the next train stop, Douglas noticed four secret service men outside the train station. He told Kramer that he didn’t think they were going to make it to Akron. Two of the men went by car to the next station and the other two federal agents boarded the train The shady government employees had decided that they were going to find the ex presidents and pull them off at the next station and meet back up there. When Douglas and Kramer had no where else to run on the moving train, Kramer said he didn’t want to jump off the moving locomotive so Douglas told him to close his eyes and they would jump together on the count of three but instead he counted to two and pushed Kramer off the train and said “God, that felt good,” and then he himself jumped off just in time. Kramer stood up with no visible injuries saying “Jesus.” Douglas was mad and didn’t want help from Kramer and instead said he thought he had a chunk of “purple mountain majesty” up his butt. The two ex presidents walked to the truck stop. As they went inside, Douglas asked for $5 from Kramer to buy a $1.99 hamburger and Kramer replied no wonder the Democrats were in trouble but then they spotted the two federal hitmen stopping at the place so the ex presidents ran out the back. They introduced themselves to a female truck driver hauling farm equipment telling her they were on a fact-finding mission for the Interstate Commerce Commission and wanted to tag along. She was going to charge them $50 each to ride with her in her truck so instead she took Kramer’s Constellation watch that was given to him by Gorbachev. Inside the truck cab, Kramer told Douglas there were only two watches like that in the entire world, Reagan had one and now Shamu, the killer hick had the other one. Kramer asked what they were hauling and the female said it was nothing exciting just farm equipment. Then a helicopter appeared overhead with its spotlight shining down on the truck. The driver pulled over when she saw the chopper and told the ex presidents not to worry but she was going to make a run for it into the woods and so should they. From the helicopter above, the speaker told the ex presidents to stop where they were in Spanish and English because it was the Immigration and Naturalization Service. Suddenly, about fifty Hispanic illegal aliens jumped out of the truck into the woods. Not long after, another chopper (NSA) appeared and announced that the INS One-One helicopter was interfering with an highly classified official NSA operation. NSA chopper told the Immigration chopper to vacate the area immediately it didn’t matter that the illegal aliens got away in the process. However, the INS helicopter said they weren’t vacating until they got verification from the proper authority. So, the NSA helicopter shot a missile warning at them.  INS quickly left saying verification acknowledged because they didn’t want to be blown to pieces in the sky. One illegal man found a tunnel that went under the bridge and he called the ex presidents over to hide with there too. Four secret service agents showed up and attempted to locate the ex presidents on the ground. The illegal man spoke some English and told the presidents they would not be killed but would be sent back and they would then have to wait one month and try again. The illegal said he tried four times and added that he loved the USA. Kramer didn’t want to hear him talking so he told him to be quiet. The Democratic Douglas spoke the illegal’s Spanish jargon and told him not to mind Kramer because he had a small penis. Douglas found out his name was Ernesto, as he hoped to get some votes from the illegalswhen Douglas ran for President again. Douglas gave Ernesto his coat off his back to wear and in exchange Ernesto gave Douglas his compass. Douglas whipped out his gun when they heard the agents getting closer and Ernesto said it was true everybody in America had a gun (as though the Cartel in his own country weren’t packing) and he took off the other way running. Ernesto was wearing the ex president’s coat which caused a diversion because the agents chased after him. Kramer then told Douglas in Spanish that he understood every word Douglas said to Ernesto because Kramer spoke Spanish fluently and called Douglas a dickhead. The ex presidents continued on their journey through the American wilderness. They discussed Rita, the greatest cook the White House ever had. Douglas commented she might have started working there with Washington. Somehow, the subject turned to wet dreams. Then, Nelson Mandela was the person Douglas was most excited to meet but then he corrected it to Ella Fitzgerald because Kramer said he wanted the truth since Kramer wasn’t a reporter. Douglas said Mandela was a great man but he couldn’t sing. Kramer’s person was Joe DiMaggio. They stopped and Kramer had a moment telling Douglas that eighty million people voted against Kramer in his last election because they didn’t trust or like him. Douglas confessed that he stayed in bed for a week and a half after he was voted out. Then they came across a camping family where the dad Wayne recognized Kramer as he walked into their camping area saying it was wonderful to see an American family out. Wayne stood up and saluted Kramer. Kramer lied and said he was on a fact-finding mission from the Department of the Interior and then both presidents drove off in the family’s station wagon, leaving them stranded at the campsite. They made it onto the main road with Douglas driving. Kramer looked at the map and said they were just outside Galax, Virginia, and in a few miles they would hit 77 which would take them directly to Ohio but then they turned around and a saw a baby in the backseat of the car. The ex presidents turned the car around and headed back towards the campsite and got the whole family so Wayne could drive everybody to Ohio. Wayne saluted and said God bless America when a government vehicle passed by and the presidents ducked down in the backseat so they wouldn’t be seen. Wayne pointed out that the people weren’t too friendly. Jenny, the wife/mom, took a snapshot of the ex presidents in the back with her young son Kevin. In their camper as they all shared a bed, mom said that they voted for Kramer because they were Republican. Douglas said that admitting it was the first step so little Kevin kicked him in the private parts. The next day, as Springsteen’s “Pink Houses” played, as they crossed the line into West Virginia, Wayne got his facts mixed up when their conversation went to Mount Rushmore. Douglas told Wayne to teach his son right and make sure he learned the facts for the sake of the country and then Wayne responded that the country at the moment wasn’t doing so great because the country was falling apart, people were losing their homes and couldn’t find work and he called the two ex presidents the ignorant ones because they had ignored the voice of the people. Kramer said the voice of the people his butt because they had 240 million people who couldn’t agree on anything except they didn’t want higher taxes and everything else they had different opinions on. Jenny told Wayne to pull over and had her young son Kevin get out of the car and throw away a dirty diaper. Jenny then told both the ex presidents to get out of their car and explained that they invited the ex presidents into their home because they lived out of their car and they lost their jobs because of President Kramer’s budget cuts and they lost their home because of President Douglas’s economic downturn and all they had left was a slim chance of hope of getting a job at her uncle’s factory in Cleveland. The homeless family, still keeping their One Nation Under GOD faith, left the ex presidents by the side of the road in a very rural West Virginia town. Douglas used a payphone to call Joe and told Joe that Haney had Charlie killed and now they were trying to kill the ex presidents because Haney sent Marine One for them but they escaped before the helicopter blew up in the sky. Douglas said that Joe was the only person Douglas could trust and to get in touch with the CIA contacts and see if they could figure out what was going on. Douglas said he thought they were in the clear because he said he hadn’t seen any NSA that day and he thought they lost them as they were talked on the phone. However, that call was being traced to the payphone and the exact location of the presidents at the public phone booth on 3740-Main St. Harriett, W. Virginia, 304-555-3150. The crooked feds involved then called Paul Tanner to give him the location and Tanner said his guys were headed in the same direction as ex presidents were now traveling. With hardly any money between the two ex presidents, Kramer went into the café and drooled over a pie that he couldn’t afford after being called an old man by the owner who tried to offer him a piece of the pie for free. Kramer decided to leave and call his wife and Douglas came inside and gave Kramer the guilt trip by telling him that call to his wife could be the death of them both because it could potentially bring the NSA thugs to them. (Kramer didn’t call his wife). Instead, they went to the Budget car rentalplace in town where the two females freaked out because the two presidents were standing right in front of them looking to rent a car. They asked if they wanted the Hyundai or the Lexus and obviously the ex presidents took the Lexus. Kramer had issues starting their trip and it seemed he was unfamiliar with driving and needed to refresh his memory with all of the functions because he hadn’t sat behind the wheel since his first year in the White House and was used to being chauffeured around. When Kramer went out the wrong entrance instead of the exit, it caused all of the tires to pop, so they had to switch the car out for the old Hyundai hatchback. Haney went jogging outside the White House. Carl came up and told him that the CNN press were around the next corner and gave Haney a Lakers hat to put on and Haney told Carl to stop jogging faster than him because Haney wanted to be first. Haney had VP Ted wear the Lakers hat because Haney was a Houston fan.  

2 of 3

DATE REVIEWED: 3/16/23

TITLE: My Fellow Americans 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1996 Warner Bros./Peters Entertainment/Storyline Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1  

Carl then stopped jogging to speak with Tanner who sat along the path and informed him that reporter Kaye Griffin called Carl and she was ready to report that Douglas and Kramer had dropped out of sight and were working together to expose a major cover-up inside the White House. Tanner said he would look into it. Carl replied that he wanted those idiots found before it got any deeper. Kramer stopped at Long John Silver’s to get himself a coffee while Douglas dozed off. Douglas woke up as Kramer got back in the car and he wouldn’t share because he thought the other ex president Douglas was a known sex addict around town so he didn’t want to catch anything from him but he offered to let him lick the lid, which Douglas did. Douglas called Kramer a pussy because it was decaf coffee and he through the lid out the window and went to use the bathroom inside. Kramer waited in the car and noticed two secret service agents arrive. One searched the parking lot the other went inside. A second government car pulled up and then suddenly Agent Wilkerson flashed his badge in front of Kramer’s face and told Kramer he had been ordered to transfer him out of the area to safety. Douglas had no idea this was going on because he was in a bathroom stall inside the restaurant with his pants down. Kramer dumped his hot coffee at Wilkerson’s stomach area and backed into the government car and then stopped to pick up Douglas at the door as he came out of the restaurant. They sped off with the federal car chasing after them. Kramer took the leg off the large pirate statue because the first secret service car was blocking the entrance and the pirate landed on top of the already damaged secret service car that had been pursuing the ex presidents. Kramer then they ran into the Mr. Desserto statue that almost impaled Douglas because it broke through the glass on his side of the car and the Pinocchio nose pointed right at him. Douglas pushed the nose out through the window and the large head rolled down the street behind them in traffic. The second secret service car got in front of the ex presidents and drove recklessly trying to get them to pull over. Kramer took a different turn and drove down an alley that had the road blocked off for an event. The ex presidents ditched the car and went on foot and tried to blend in with the parade. The secret service men searched for them in the crowd. People started recognizing the ex presidents and pointed in their directions and the sign above them “We’re Here & We’re Queer West Virginia Gay Men’s Coalition,” and nobody could believe the ex presidents were marching in this parade. In the crowd were a bunch of women (as well as children on the sidelines not really knowing what it was all about but just showing up for the party) with transgender men on the floats and many more trans men wearing Dorothy dresses with red shoes and wigs playing in the band. As the ex presidents marched down the street beside one of the Dorothy men, he/she gave Kramer a rainbow-colored freedom-ring necklace and told him to wear it with pride because Douglas lied and said that Kramer was coming out and was a closet case and that Douglas always supported gay rights.The ex presidents told male Dorothy that they needed help getting to Cuyahoga Falls so then the trans man hooked them up with his friends, a female motorcycle gang Dykes on Bikes. Riding on the back of the gang’s Harley-Davidson bikes, the ex presidents caught a ride to their destination with the female Dykes on Bikes. They arrived at Kramer’s library and Kramer said after the bike ride he was changing his opinion on an important issue and that the military could use some of those lesbians. In the gift shop they took a tour around and saw Kramer everywhere including his own Kramer doll with the voice box had quotes saying “Our dreams are like our children,” and “Don’t you fall into the trap. Democrats are full of crap.” Kramer bragged that he was Time Magazine’s Man of the Year to which Douglas replied so was Hitler. But Kramer told him he was on the cover twice. They then discovered that the lunch logbook at the library must have been fixed too because it just had Kramer and Charles listed and no Haney. Next, they heard a noise in the library so Kramer asked where Douglas’s real gun was. Douglas had left it in his coat that was outside the room. Douglas used a book to knock down Ben, who was the library security guard. Smoking a cigar, they lied to Ben telling him that a book fell off the shelf and hit him to cover up for what Douglas did. Ben said that nobody could have gotten in there and switched the books on his shift. Ben then remembered that a young lady from Washington had left a note for Kramer for when he showed up and it read “Dear Mr. President: My name is Kathleen Taylor. I’m Charles Reynolds’ secretary. Mr. Reynolds has disappeared. I don’t know who to turn to. The last people he spoke with were you, President Douglas and Carl Witnaur.” Douglas was angry because now he knew Carl, Haney’s Chief of Staff, was behind it all. Kramer said Carl lived outside of D.C. in Chevy Chaseand Kramer was recently there for a dinner that Carl threw. Kramer raved about Carl’s gourmet food spread. The ex presidents then confiscated Ben’s car old truck to get to Chevy Chase and have a little talk with Carl. 

The ex presidents arrived at Carl’s house in the country. Carl was in bed with a blonde lady so Douglas pointed a gun at the naked couple under the covers. The female ran into the bathroom and the men discussed Olympia. Carl clammed up and denied any knowledge of Olympia, so the older men kidnapped Carl and drove him to Joe’s house in the country. Joe spotted immediately President Kramer in the truck holding a gun on a naked man blindedfolded inside the borrowed ride. Joe took everyone inside his home then for a powwow. Joe said his CIA buddies were clueless about what Carl was up to and President Haney. Now with clothes on and tied to a chair, Carl had his arm wiped with alcohol as the boys told him he is about to get shot up in the arm with a questionable substance dosage that may or may not work properly. Douglas and Kramer pretended to leave the room and slammed the door so the blindfolded Carl thought they left. Then, Joe took a sewing needle and started poking it in Carl’s arm vein but didn’t get far before the weasel decided to talk. With a recording device recording the conversation, Carl confessed that Haney needed to spin-dry the kickback money and that’s how Olympia came in. Olympia was a front company. Carl tells that he never ordered for the ex Presidents to be killed. Douglas and Kramer decided to question Carl and make their presencse known. Kramer told Carl that Carl did order the coverup and Carl confirmed that he did, which included doctoring the appointment log at the National Archieves and the lunch logbook at Kramer’s Presidential library. Carl then said he never ordered anyone to kill Charlie Reynolds. But, since the men never said Charlie was dead, they knew the dirty Chief of Staff government official, Carl, had lied. Kramer then lost it because he wasn’t going down for crimes he didn’t commit and held a gun to Karl’s head to get the truth because he couldn’t believe that Carl had clean hands when it came to a hired hitman Tanner taking out Charlie. When the bombed chopper was brought up, Carl had no idea the military aircraft was involved. So later on, Joe discussed with the ex Presidents that Tanner was getting his orders directly from Haney. Joe says they can go to the White House and confront Haney with the information they have, however, to do that, they would have to go through Tanner who would ultimately kill the two ex Presidents first. Joe tells the men they now have a confession on tape and to stop running and go to the press. Joe said he would call Kaye and by noon Washington would know all about Olympia. Douglas and Kramer both agreed for Joe to call the reporter Kaye and Joe replied they were both making the right decision. Douglas then tells Kramer (after Joe left to make the call) that by going that route then the big fish (Haney) was going to get away because then there would be another coverup with a smaller fish thrown under the bus, like Carl. Kramer argues that it is part of the game to just do enough and let it be (so they can get future votes) but Douglas replied to tell that to people like Wayne and Jenny and their children living out of their car and adds that he aint’playing no game no more and he is going to see Haney. Kramer told Douglas that he was a fool cause he can’t get past Paul Tanner but Douglas said that was the chance he was willing to take because somewhere people out there voted him into office one time because they took a chance on him and he was not going to walk away from his country now and let the people down. After all the scandals and party politics there are people who truly believe that ex Presidents cared and would continue to do what they promised even though they are not in the White House anymore. Douglas added he will preserve, protect and defend the USA and it’s legal citizens because if they lose then it is all over because who is to stop the highest crime at the top if not for honest to GOD people elected to do just that. Kramer was amazed at the speech Douglas gave then and thought if the two debated one another at that moment then his marginal loss would be staggering. So Kramer was all in then with Douglas and told him, “if I can ride 300 miles at top speed with my hands onto a lesbian’s midsection…I can handle Tanner.”  They then discussed how they were bringing the recorded tape confession of Carl’s with them so they know Haney will cooperate and Kramer told Douglas to learn from the master (meaning Kramer was that). In walked Joe telling the ex Presidents that Kaye was on her way over to Joe’s house. However, Kramer and Douglas told Joe about their change of plans. The ex presidents then drove Ben’s truck to Waashington, D.C. Meanwhile, in Wilkerson’s office, Wilkerson informed Tanner that Kramer and Douglas broke into Carl’s house the previous night and kidnapped him. Tanner questioned why they were just now hearing about it the next day and Wilkerson replied Carl’s female friend called it in but the feds dismissed it as a prank call. Tanner replied that the White House must be on full alert because if the ex Presidents reach Haney then the game is over. Rita then arrives at the White House gates with her station wagon and tells the guard that after she attends to the President then she might make him some blueberry muffins. Rita tells him her backseat is filled with fresh produce from the Farmer’s Market that morning and the cook was then let inside the gates as usual. However, hidden underneath all the food were Douglas and Kramer.  

3 of 3

DATE REVIEWED: 3/16/23

TITLE: My Fellow Americans 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1996 Warner Bros./Peters Entertainment/Storyline Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1


Then inside the Oval office, a secret service man told President Haney they were ready for him to attend the ceremony honoring the Dutch resistance during World War II on the lawn. Grumping Haney replied who cares about the damned Dutch and asked if Vice President Matthews was attending and the hired gun responded yes. Haney tells his man to remind the VP not to cause another embarrassment and know where the people came from. The man told the President that nobody heard from Carl yet. As a tour happened downstairs in the White House, the ex Presidents were in plain sight and not certain which direction to go and realized with the camera system they only had ten seconds before they were discovered inside the building. The two decided to then join the tour guide to get to where they needed to go without causing a scene. They then took charge of the tour and told the people they would go see the oval office. Wilkerson then spotted Douglas and Kramer and told Tanner they used the tour guide to get inside (that left Rita’s off scot-free because nobody would suspect her assistance). Tanner planned to keep his original plan of apprehending the ex presidents later because he told Wilkerson the cover still worked that the ex presidents met their and took the chopper to the ceremonies later to hook up with President Haney. And Tanner added the crash site was still secure and all they had to do was to “adjust” the time of the accident. Tanner said he will stay close to Haney and as soon as Wilkerson got Douglas and Kramer, Wilkerson was to call Tanner. At warp speed, the ex presidents took the tour up the stairs to the oval office because they hoped to see President Haney inside. However, once upstairs, Wilkerson and another agent chased them down. Douglas and Kramer locked themselves inside a guest room where Douglas seeks Kramer’s help in moving an antique desk to block the door. Tanner then down on the White House South lawn where President Haney is speaking, received a call on his cell phone about the current situation with the ex presidents. Tanner instructs Wilkerson to keep the ex presidents where they were trapped inside the room and to call the press. The two ex Presidents then hear on the tv inside the room a female newscaster advising that the helicopter went down over the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina and that President Kramer and President Douglas were on board. They figured out that they were being held in that room because they would soon die there. Tanner makes it upstairs with a couple other goons on his payroll. The ex Presidents realize the phone inside the room is dead. Kramer then tells Douglas that a butler once told him about a secret door in that very room called the “Kennedy Door” that was hidden in the wall somewhere. Douglas then remembered the same thing and showed Kramer where the secret door was. As the kitchen staff unloaded the produce boxes from Rita’s car, underneath one was a large gun (Douglas left) and Rita then picked it up, put it in her pocket, and told the young worker that the Farmer’s Market is brutal of late. Back in the room, Douglas tells Kramer he actually used the room for a couple of hookups with some loose women. Douglas told Kramer that they needed to get themselves seen on television so that everyone would know the truth that they were not dead in North Carolina and that would put Tanner out of business. Just as Tanner had his thugs break down the door, the ex presidents got the secret door open and escaped down the “Kennedy Door” spiral staircase. Inside the room, the threesome goons scratched their duped heads as to how the ex Presidents escaped out of the locked room. Kramer said as they walked down in the dark that be glad he was not Gerry Ford otherwise he would be lying at the bottom of the stairs in a heap. Douglas turns on the lights using a breaker switch and believes the out is to the left down the hallway. Kramer rants as they walk about the twisted psycho Tanner ended up in the NSA. Douglas replied Tanner ought to be in the postal service where he belonged. As they walked the passageway to a dead end and turned back, creepy Tanner then appeared in front of them both. Tanner tormented them as he held out his gun and told the men it would not take long to finish them off on the spot since it was in a dark secluded tunnel of the White House. However, Kramer had sense enough to take a sword from the room with him before they left. Kramer then used the sword to slice Tanner’s hand and knock the gun away. Douglas then punched Tanner unconscious. The ex presidents found the exit then and came out by the North Lawn where the mounted police were. Douglas said it was the opposite side where they needed to be since Haney was on the South lawn. Then, secret service appeared in front of them in a car so Douglas actually said the f word and they both stole the police horses and rode off on them. Obviously, the men were having difficulty controlling their mounts and Tanner saw that as he resurfaced from the tunnel. Tanner gave orders then to go after the ex presidents. Tanner and his gang chased on foot the horses and told his sniper people on the radio to shoot to kill. Tanner got into a car and recklessly drove after the ex presidents to get to the South lawn in the event they are not killed by his snipers first. However, the lead secret service sniper identified Kramer and Douglas and told Tanner who they were and told the other gunman to hold his fire. Tanner lied and responded on the radio that the ex presidents are dead and hoped to convince the gunmen to shoot at what Tanner called the imposters. The sniper Lt. Fleming paused again after seeing the rainbow freedom ring dangling from the back pocket of Kramer. Tanner screamed on the radio to shoot. Fleming’s partner requested permission to shoot but Fleming didn’t respond. Tanner was able to get ahead of the horses and pulled his gun out to shoot the ex presidents riding toward President Haney giving his speech. Lt. Fleming then saw Tanner and turned his gun from Douglas and Kramer to his new target, Tanner and shot Tanner dead. Afterward, Lt. Fleming told his subordinate that Douglas and Kramer were the real ex Presidents on the horses. Douglas made it to Haney but Kramer could not stop his horse. Douglas interrupted the speech and told Haney they had to talk immediately. Kramer and Douglas then played Carl’s tape so that Haney could hear it. Haney told the ex Presidents that he would give them anything they wanted and he had money. Kramer responded that he could not be bought. Haney said that he didn’t know anything about Charlie’s death and the downed chopper crash. Haney then added that they all used the Presidency to make money on the side. Kramer said he never did naything illegal that was a big difference and he added he never did it for money (gifts maybe and perks, but not money). Kramer told the men he writes books and does appearances so he can stay in touch with the people (then why does he do deals with foreign countries and wear their logos?). Kramer said since the office did a hell of a lot for him he was going to return the favor and get Haney the hell out of the President position. So then, Agent Kopeck, in charge of the White House secret service detail, showed up. Officer Ralph Fleming was with Kopeck and introduced to Haney, Douglas, and Kramer. Douglas and Kramer thanked Fleming for saving their lives and were happy to meet him. However, Fleming told Kramer they met before “somewhere over the rainbow,” because Fleming was transgender Dorothy in the West Virginia parade that helped him out with the Dykes on (Harley Davidson) Bikes ride to Ohio. The next scene had Haney giving his televised resignation where Rita in the kitchen listened while baking and feeding Kramer and Douglas inside the White House. The ex Presidents told Rita that Haney will be just fine. Rita then laughed about having a new VP as President...President Matthews. Kramer chimed in and said that was the only way that moron would become President (Haney’s resignation or assassination). The ex Presidents then figured out that VP Matthews was the mastermind behind the whole con job. So then, before Ted Matthews went on to speak to the nation as President, Douglas and Kramer confronted President Ted in his dressing room telling the crooked Veep that he would never get away with it. President Matthews responded he already did because Chief Justice Rehnquist just swore him in. Kramer told Ted that he was the one that sent Tanner to kill Douglas and him. Douglas said that they investigate Olympia, wind up dead and it gets tied to Haney and either way Haney goes down and Matthew is in the Presidency. Matthews then said they were right and only a few unfortunate deaths had happened but they could be blamed on Tanner. And Matthews added he wouldn’t have to appoint Tanner to the Joint Chiefs afterall. Matthews said that Douglas and Kramer’s chopper went down but thankfully it turned out that the ex presidents were not on board and that is how Matthews explains how Douglas and Kramer are still alive. Matthews stated the press secretary already issued an apology for any confusion. Bill interrupted the men and told Matthews he had 30 seconds before showtime on live television. Before he left the room, Matthews said that everyone thought he was a big idiot but nobody knows that it was all just a big façade and asks the ex presidents who the idiot was now? As Matthews went to his press conference, Douglas and Kramer walked away with Douglas showing Kramer the recorder he had hidden and telling Kramer that Matthews nearly got away with his deadly scheme. Douglas said the only problem is that if he drops the cassette off at CNN on his way home and Matthews gets thrown out of office…according to the 25th Amendment…the Speaker of the House will become President. Neither Douglas nor Kramer was happy about the current Speaker of the House being President but they had no other choice. Before the ex Presidents parted ways, Kramer tells Douglas he still doesn’t like him but will miss him and had they not spent the past 30 years hating each other they might have been friends. Douglas then sang the lyrics to Kramer that Douglas made up, “Hail to the Chief, if you don’t I’ll have to kill you. I am the Chief., so you better watch your step, you bastards.” The agent in Kramer’s car told him he heard everything the ex president went through and told him to rest up in Cleveland. Kramer responded that there is no place like Cleveland to take a rest. The agent with Douglas told the ex president that the experience must have been difficult for him and thanked him for the service he did for our country because most people in that situation would have given up. Douglas said on some levels he enjoyed it and it was nice to have a goal again. In a news broadcast later on, it showed nine months after President Matthews took the oath of office with Matthews now at the Men’s Federal Prison in Stafford, Virginia where that day was the first day Matthews served in his sentence. The news anchor said unlike other past political scandals, this one has spawned an unusal coupling. Kaye Griffin in California was then on air saying Douglas and Kramer were making history by running together as independents. In the audience was illegal Hispanic Ernesto telling a crowd member that he came to the USA with the ex Presidents. Kaye adds that nobody knows yet who will be President and who will be Vice President. Wayne, at his Uncle’s factory job, then tells his co-workers that he is not ashamed to say that he slept with both of the ex presidents as they watched the television.  When it was time for Douglas and Kramer to speak, they were still fighting over who gets to run for President. Douglas dropped money on the ground quickly because he knew Kramer would bend over and pick it up which had Douglas at the mic making the official Presidential run announcement.   


  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/15/23

TITLE: Bad News Bears

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2005 Paramount Pictures/A Media Talent Group/Detour Film Production/A Richard Linklater Film

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Burbank, California and is about Morris Buttermaker, a former pitcher for the Seattle Mariners who got kicked off the team for attacking an umpire who required fourteen stitches. Morris was now an exterminator, and the movie began with him taking rats out of a lady’s basement and putting them in a kitchen. As he drank a beer, he told her to make a follow-up appointment if she wanted the rats removed from the house altogether. Morris parked his car outside a batting cage and took a can out of the cooler in the backseat. He dumped some of the beer out the window so he could pour hard alcohol into the can. A well-dressed attorney named Liz Whitewood then appeared and handed Morris a check because she hired him to coach the Little League Bears baseball team of misfits that included her own son, Toby (all younger than twelve years old). Liz said “Jesus,” and asked if Morris was drinking, and he lied that the beer can in his hand was non-alcoholic because he was driving. Liz told Toby that drinking and driving didn’t mix, and Morris told the young boy to stay away from crack, otherwise he would end up in prison married to some guy named Big Blue who was branding his initials in Toby’s butt with a hot coat hanger. Morris then met Ray Bullock, the coach of the youth Yankees team. They talked about girls’ softball team and how they both knew what that meant. Morris acquainted himself with the boys on the team. During practice, Morris instructed Mike Engelberg on pitching, and Mike took offense and accused Morris of picking on his weight. The boy told Morris to shut up before he told somebody that Morris touched his pecker, and then Mike angrily threw the baseball and it cracked the windshield on Morris’s classic Cadillac car. Morris said he was tempted to kick Mike’s dad in the nuts so hard he would never be able to foul the earth again with a kid like Mike. Another night, Morris walked into a restaurant with Paradise, one of his many girlfriends. Paradise was dressed in a professional adult cheerleading outfit with too much skin showing and everything hanging out. Morris was told that he needed to get uniforms for the Bears, and at the bar he told Liz about it. She said that he needed to get a sponsor to buy the uniforms. Liz went on to say that she had her own law firm, was a single mom, and still had time to do other activities like Pilates, the flower-seed business, and pottery, so why did a man like Morris find it so hard to do other things on top of his job. Morris eventually got the Bears yellow and white uniforms. At a pool party, Morris had a boy named Timmy mix him a martini.During practice, Morris threw the boys screwballs, hitting each of them hard with the ball because they didn’t know out to bat. Morris then passed out drunk on the playing field, and the boys started fighting over his wallet. At their first game, Morris dumped a bunch of dead rodents that he had in his cooler into the trash, and then filled the cooler with ice to put beers in it. Liz walked over and said that her son Toby couldn’t wear the uniform because Morris’s sponsor was Bo-Peep’s Gentleman’s Club (a strip club), but he did anyway. Morris had his own personal cheer squad of multiple-raced women who were all his girlfriends dressed for the wrong kind of attention, especially at a kids’ event. The Bears were badly losing, so Morris decided to forfeit the game. Afterwards, Morris stopped to talk to Garo, who was sitting on a bench. Garo said that he wanted to do American things like baseball, but his family didn’t approve because they were Armenian. He announced that he was going to run away to Salt Lake City, and Morris advised him to go home and lie to his dad that his team won because the only way in America was to lie your a** off and it was part of growing up.Morris admitted that he used to do that with his dad too, and that the important thing was the kid was right and the parents were wrong. Garo decided that he would tell a lesser lie that his team tied. Morris then decided to talk to twelve-year-old Amanda Whurlitzer, who was selling knock-off brand clothing. He hadn’t seen in three years, and she was the daughter of his ex-girlfriend (his ex girlfriend/mom was never around Amanda once in the entire movie). Amanda told Morris that she wanted nice hips and C cups, and he invited her to play with the Bears but she replied no. Morris headed to practice, but the boys told him that they took a vote and they were disbanding the team. Their coach talked to them about his failures in his life and quitting everything that he ever started. He said that they could love baseball, but it wouldn’t always love them back, which Morris compared to dating a German chick. He asked the boys if they were with him, and they replied that they already took a vote. Morris shouted that this was not a democracy, it was a dictatorship and Morris had the role of Hitler, which meant the boys had to listen to him and get back to practice. The Bears lost their next game, but they did improve. Morris tried to recruit young female Amanda again to play on the all boys team and offered to help pay for the car she was already saving up for, and she agreed eventually. Morris introduced the girl as the new pitcher. They talked about a boy named Kelly Leak, who was in the same grade as the other boys but dated a girl a few years older than him. He also had already been in juvie for two years, and there were rumors that he got a teacher pregnant and broke the arm of a kid who owed him money. Morris didn’t care about that crap and wanted to know if Kelly could play ball. Morris dropped Amanda off at a skateboarding rink. She made a deal with Kelly that if she could accomplish a skateboarding move that he did, he would have to join the Bears. However, it didn’t work out because Amanda lost and now she would have to go out with Kelly to a Bloodfart skate band concert. Morris said Amanda was twelve years old and there was no “out,” for girls at her age, and she snapped back that she would be fine because she already had her period and wasn’t a little girl anymore. Morris insisted on going with Amanda to the concert, and when he did he got into a fistfight with the moshing dancers and was picked up and carried around by them. At another game, the Bears tied with the other team. Morris told Amanda and the boys that his coach used to say a tie was a lot like kissing your sister, but in the Bears’ case it was more like kissing a really hot stepsister. Meanwhile, Ray spoke to Kelly and lectured him about his previous delinquent behavior (such as cutting donuts on the baseball field with his dirt bike right before a game) and adult Ray told him to leave because Kelly had no dad and nobody wanted him around, especially not there. While Timmy was walking to the field by himself, two older bully boys locked him inside a porta-potty and started pushing it back and forth wobbling it. Tanner appeared and threw a trashcan at the older teen boys, so they turned on him and threw him across the fence into a mud puddle before walking away. Morris handed out cups to the boys to protect their genitals from getting hit by the ball. The coach explained to them, “Also, you’ll wanna write your names on them, because that’s how you get crabs. And trust me, you don’t want to spend your Sunday afternoon picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.” Mike said he needed one of those to protect his family jewels. Kelly then appeared and they tested his batting ability. Morris took the kids to the Burbank, California Hooters restaurant. At the table, Mike was eating seven hot dogs and he said it was diet because there were no buns. Tanner said that his dad said the only person who put ketchup on their hotdogs was mental patients and Texans. Morris, Amanda, and the boys then all sang loudly with the Hooter girls the lyrics “She don’t lie, she don’t lie. Cocaine.” In one scene, the Bears boys were in downtime and taught each other how to do the middle finger. Liz invited Morris to dinner and gave him a basket of vinegars. She told him how good of a job he was doing with the team and that they were just one game away from the Championships. Liz said she never felt like she could relate with people marrying serial killers in prison until she met Morris, because his bad boy ways turned her on. Out on the field, the boys called each other awful names and started fighting because Kelly thought he was better than the other players. Another fight started in the middle of a game when a Yankee player knocked Amanda to the ground. A Bears boy then punched the Yankee in the face and so both teams joined in. The kids were not happy because their coaches were playing mind games with them and telling them when and when not to hit the ball, whether to strike out or not, instead of letting the kids just play ball like they wanted to. One of the Yankee players was pitcher Joey, and his dad, Coach Ray, ran out on the field in front of everybody and pushed his son to the ground, scolding him and telling him never to throw the ball to intentionally hurt a batter (even after Ray had just told Joey to let the batter walk). Shari, Joey’s mom and Ray’s wife, then took their son Joey out of the game and they went home. Morris took Amanda and Tanner out of the game and put Toby and Matthew (in a wheelchair) into the game. Liz was mad at Morris for putting Toby in to pitch when they had the Bears in the lead because she knew Toby (her own son) wasn’t as good as Amanda. Morris told Liz off and said maybe she should learn how to raise her son better and have faith in him because she was too busy with all her other “activities” to know what her son could do. Garo was the last batter, and he tried to run the whole way to home plate but when he slid, it was called an out and the Bears lost. The Yankees won, and Morris handed out non-alcoholic beer to the kids to celebrate afterwards even though they lost the game by one point. Morris’s speech including bashing the winning team, as well as using Jesus Christ as a swear word. After the Yankees said some fairly decent words to the other team after their win, the Bad News Bears responded in a not so decent way and sprayed their non-alcoholic beer at the other team and then each other, telling the Yankees to take their crappy first-place trophies and shove them up their a**es. Amanda then went over to her teammate and kissed Kelly on the lips.  The movie ended with the American flag waving over the ballpark. Ebert and Roeper declared “Two thumbs up!” and Clay Smith from Access Hollywood said “…Hilarious, non-stop comedy!”  If the movie rating is PG-13 (ought to be 18), why are children younger than that acting in it or acting the part of a younger child? 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/14/23

TITLE: Maya The Bee 2 – The Honey Games

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 Shout Studios/Shout Kids/Studio 100/Studio B Animation/Buzz Studios/Fish Blowing Bubbles/Flying Bark Productions/Screen Australia/Studio Canal/Universum Film/Walt Disney Studios (Germany)/Buena Vista International

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This cartoon movie takes place in a beehive called Poppy Meadow. On Harvest day, two young bee friends named Maya and Willy were out playing. They ran into a bee named Sir Beegood, who was from hive of Buzztropolis with an important message for Poppy Meadow’s Queen Beatrice. Maya misunderstood and thought it meant her hive was headed to the Honey Games for the first time. She and Willy brought Beegood to the Queen. However, Beegood’s announcement was that Poppy Meadow was chosen by the Empress of Buzztropolis to contribute half of their honey harvest to the Honey Games. The Queen protested that their hive wouldn’t survive the winter if they did that, but the Queen wouldn’t refuse her older sister the Empress’s order and she reluctantly agreed. Maya and Willy headed to Buzztropolis to speak to the Empress Catherine. They rode on their dragonfly, Drago, who dropped them off at Buzztropolis. Maya and Willy spoke with the bad-tempered Empress. Maya explained that they didn’t have the summer honey the Empress wanted. Maya grabbed a jar of honey from Willy and tried to offer it to the Empress as a gift, but the honey ended up spilling all over the Empress. The Empress called for her sister the Queen and insisted that Maya be punished for assaulting her royal self. The Empress then explained that she never invited Poppy Meadow to the Honey Games because they were only for “elite bugs,” and she didn’t believe her sister’s hive had what it took to compete since they were country bugkins. Maya spoke up against that, and the Empress decided to allow her, Willy, and a team from Poppy Meadow to compete in the Games on the terms that if they won the incident would be forgotten, but if they lost the Empress would take all of their summer honey. Beegood was the Games Master, and the five teams were Buggy Hollow, Burly Bluff, Aphid Gorge, Tropolis, and Poppy Meadow. For the next three days, the teams would compete against each other and one team would be eliminated at the end of each day and the remaining two teams would compete in front of the Empress for the Honey Cup. Maya and Willy went to their team cabin, where they met their three teammates, Craig the cockroach, Spinder the spider (talking in a dopey voice like she didn’t get enough sleep), Bedford the bedbug, and two ants named Barney and Arnie. Willy wasn’t impressed with the seemingly talentless bugs, but Maya was hopeful. The teams competed in Dodge Ball, and at the end of day one Buggy Hollow was eliminated with just one point less than Poppy Meadow, who had not been prepared for the competition and earned very few points. Later that night, in an attempt to get Poppy Meadow out of the competition, mean girl Violet (daughter of Beegood and captain of Team Tropolis) started fake sobbing. Beegood came running, and Violet lied that Maya smashed her hand, and Beegood gave Maya a first and last warning that she would be disqualified from the Games if there were any more incidents. The next day, Maya woke her team up for early morning training. That day’s competition was Willow Tree Washout, where Maya became so concerned with beating Violet to the finish line that she left her teammates behind and they came in third.Violet and Tropolis came in second, and Beegood was disappointed in his daughter for that. On the third day was the Maze of the Megabeast. Poppy Meadow crossed the finish line first, and when the Queen heard the news that her hive’s team was still in the running, she headed to the Honey Games. Poppy Meadow attended a celebration that night, where Violet challenged Maya to a dangerous flying race down Slug Hill right. It was all a setup by Violet, and Maya ended up accidentally breaking the Honey Cup. Beegood expelled her from the Honey Games, and Maya told Willy it was now up to him to lead their team and win. At the grand finale, the last two teams, Poppy Meadow and Tropolis, were required to tackle the Dragonfly Rush, the Mudsucker Muddle, and climb the summit of Mount Stumpy. They would then retrieve the ruby pollen from the Nani Nani Orchid and were required to cross the finish line with it to win. Right before the competition, Maya apologized to the Empress for everything that had happened (which Maya took responsibility for and said happened because she didn’t listen to the Queen and her team) and asked for another chance. With the crowd’s approval, the Empress decided to let Maya compete in the finale. However, the Empress changed the terms and declared that if Poppy Meadow lost, Buzztropolis would not only confiscate this summer’s honey, but also all honey that Poppy Meadow harvested for every summer after that. During the race, Violet tried to convince Willy to help Tropolis win by telling Maya that he had a sore wing, but he refused to and told his teammates that Violet and Tropolis took a shortcut (that Beegood told Violet about prior to the competition). Poppy Meadow grabbed the ruby pollen, but then they heard Violet screaming for help because she and her team were stuck in the web of an evil female spider that was about to eat them. Poppy Meadow decided to rescue them, and Violet apologized for the way she had treated everyone. Both teams ran towards the finish line side by side, but Violet stopped at the last moment to let Poppy Meadow win. Beegood said that Poppy Meadow didn’t’ have the ruby pollen, and Violet argued with her dad that was because they saved Violet and her team. One of the Poppy Meadow ants then burped out the ball of pollen. The Queen stood up to the Empress and told her to do what was right, so the Empress declared Poppy Meadow the winner. There was a big celebration afterwards, and now Maya, Willy, and Violet were all friends while the sisters, the younger country Queen and the older big city Empress, seemed to be on better terms with each other. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/13/23

TITLE: Descendants 

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015 Bad Angels Productions/5678 Productions/Disney Channel Original Productions/Disney-ABC Domestic Television

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with one of the main characters, Mal, narrating that twenty years ago, Belle married her Beast (Beauty and the Beast) in front of 6,000 of their closest, personal friends. Instead of going on a honeymoon, Beast united all of the kingdoms and got himself elected as King of the United States of Auradon. He sent all of the villains and their sidekicks to the Isle of the Lost with a barrier to keep them trapped there. In present day, Prince Benjamin (Ben), the son of Belle and Beast, was about to turn sixteen and be crowned the king. Ben told his parents that he decided his first official proclamation would be that the children on the Isle of the Lost be allowed to live in Auradon. He already chose the few who needed their help the most, and their parents were Cruella de Vil, Jafar, Evil Queen, and Maleficent. Beast was shocked to hear those names because all those villains were guilty of unspeakable crimes. Ben argued that their children were innocent and deserved a shot at normal lives, and Beast reluctantly agreed. The villains’ children (the Descendants) were Mal (purple hair, daughter of Maleficent), Evie (blue hair, daughter of Evil Queen), Carlos (son of Cruella with white hair, and Jay (a master thief, son of Jafar). All four of the sixteen-year-olds were questionably dressed as they terrorized the townspeople singing a song about their evil selves with wicked song lyrics like “Welcome to my wicked world, I’m rotten to the core…” There was another song later on that Maleficent (mom) sang to Mal (daughter) called “Evil Like Me,” with lyrics that included “…Don’t you wanna be evil like me? Don’t you wanna be mean? Don’t you wanna make mischief your daily routine? Well, you can spend your life attending to the poor. But when you’re evil doing less is doing more. Don’t you wanna be ruthless and rotten and mad? Don’t you wanna be very, very good at being bad?...Don’t you wanna be evil like me? Don’t you wanna be cruel? Don’t you wanna be nasty and brutal and cool? And when you grab that wand that’s when your reign begins. Who wants an evil queen without a sack of sins? Don’t you wanna be heartless and hardened as stone? Don’t you wanna be finger licking evil to the bone?” The Descendants ended the song with hip-hop robot dancing. Maleficent then came to the scary town (where Mal was taking candy from a baby) with the news that the foursome were being sent to a boarding school in Auradon because it was all about world domination. Mal asked what was in it for them, and her mom replied matching thrones with hers-and-hers crowns. Maleficent shared with her daughter how much the two of them loved to see innocent people suffer, and she demanded that Mal and the others steal the Fairy Godmother’s (from Cinderella) wand so Maleficent could use it with her scepter to bend both good and evil to her will. If Mal refused, she was grounded for the rest of her life, missy. Maleficent announced that for twenty years, the villains had been waiting to take their revenge on the heroes of their stories (Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, the Dalmatians, and Aladdin) and now their day had come. Evil Queen gave Evie a Magic Mirror to help them find the wand, and Maleficent gave Mal her spell book that only worked in Auradon. The Descendants were transported in a limousine to Auradon, where they were welcomed to Auradon Prep by the headmistress Fairy Godmother, Prince Ben, and his girlfriend, Princess Audrey. Audrey told Mal that she didn’t blame her mom for trying to kill Audrey’s parents, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) and Prince Phillip. Inside the academy, Ben told the new arrivals that most of them in Auradon were mortals, even though some were kings and queens with royal blood going back centuries. Doug, Dopey’s (one of the Seven Dwarves) son, gave them a tour of the school. Later on, the Descendants used the Magic Mirror and discovered that the wand was being kept in the Museum of Cultural History. They snuck off from school grounds in the night to the museum. Mal read from the spell book a spell that caused the museum security guard to prick his finger on Maleficent’s spinning wheel and fall into a deep sleep. They tried to steal the wand, but in the process they set off the alarm, which woke up the security guard and he came running. The teens fled the scene. The next day, the Descendants attended Godmother’s Remedial Goodness. In the bathroom, Mal approached Godmother’s daughter, Jane, and used a spell to style her hair fancy. Mal then used Jane to get what she wanted by instructing Jane to try and convince her mom to use her wand and make Jane more beautiful, and to invite Mal if Godmother did use her wand. Jane did as she was told, but Godmother replied no and told her daughter that if a boy couldn’t see her inner beauty, then he wasn’t worth it. Lonnie, Mulan’s daughter, then walked into the room and offered Mal $50 to do her hair pretty like Jane’s. Mal reluctantly agreed and used her spell book. Lonnie liked her new hair and decided to rip the side of her skirt so she would look “cool,” and Jane copied and did the same with her skirt. Evie had learned from Doug that Fairy Godmother would bless Ben with her wand at his king coronation, and now she decided to tell everyone the news they were invited to the coronation. Ben then knocked on the dorm room door, and Mal confirmed with him that they were invited and asked if they could stand up front with Godmother to watch the coronation. Ben replied that spot was reserved for him, his family, and his girlfriend, so Mal shut the door in his face and told the others that it was time Ben got a new girlfriend.They started on a love potion from the spell book, but the only ingredient they were missing was one tear of human sadness. Lonnie showed up, and when she learned that the four teens were unloved by their villainous parents, she shed a tear and Mal quickly put the tear in the cookie batter potion before ushering her out of the kitchen. Mal later gave Ben a cookie and he fell in love with her immediately, even professing his love for her in song in front of the whole school. In class Chad, the son of Cinderella and Prince Charming, ratted Evie out and showed the teacher, Mr. Deley, the Magic Mirror Evie used to cheat in class. Mr. Deley said he would give the Magic Mirror back to Evie if she passed an upcoming test without using it, and she succeeded. Mal went to Evie for help in doing her makeup when Ben just asked her out on a date. During their date, Mal and Ben talked, and Ben later said that he loved Mal and asked her if she loved him. She replied that she didn’t know what love felt like, and Ben said that he would teach her. On Family Day, Ben introduced his new girlfriend, Mal, to his parents. Queen Leah, Sleeping Beauty’s mom and Audrey’s grandmother, approached Mal at the celebration and blamed her for the curse Maleficent put on Sleeping Beauty. She said that Mal couldn’t be trusted, and then Chad started calling names so Evie sprayed something in his face and he stayed unconscious just long enough for the Descendants to make their getaway.Ben’s parents blamed their son for the incident. The next day, at Ben’s coronation ceremony as Ben and Mal were being paraded in front of the crowd in a horse-drawn carriage, Mal gave Ben a cupcake (made with the anti-love potion) to eat for later. He decided to eat it at that moment, and then revealed that he had known since their date that he was under the influence of a love spell because when he went swimming in the enchanted lake the spell washed away. He added that he hadn’t been faking his love for Mal since then. As Fairy Godmother was blessing Ben to become king, Jane grabbed the wand and tried to use it to make herself beautiful, but she accidentally broke the barrier between the Isle of the Lost and Auradon so Maleficent could cross over. Mal got the wand from Jane, and Ben told her to make her choice if she wanted to be good and listen to her heart or be a villain. Mal replied that she wanted to go to school and be with Ben, and all the of the Descendants chose good too because they didn’t want to turn out like their wicked parents. However, Maleficent then appeared and took the wand. She transformed herself into a dragon, but Mal chanted a spell about goodness and Maleficent turned into a tiny lizard. Fairy Godmother explained that Maleficent shrunk to the size of the love she had in her heart, and because Mal learned to be good, so could Maleficent. The movie ended with a party that featured, dancing, music, and fireworks outside the school. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/12/23

TITLE: The Glass Castle 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2017 Lionsgate/A Gil Netter Production/A Destin Daniel Cretton Film/Tik Films (Hong Kong) Limited

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: PART ONE OF TWO


This movie is based on a true story. It started with a man named Rex Walls talking about city folks and country people being out of their minds to give up the mountains with smoke rising from them  to live in the city. In New York City in 1989, Rex’s now adult daughter, Jeannette, was at a business dinner meeting with her fiancé, David. The attendees discussed how someone threatened Jeannette that if she ran that gossip column piece they would have their attorneys sue her. Jeannette thanked that person for the perfect kicker quote, hung up the phone, and printed the story the next day with the news office giving her a standing ovation.An older man at the table said he owned a mining company in Richmond, and David told him that Jeannette was from Virginia and her parents still lived there. Jeannette explained that her mom was an artist and her dad was an engineer, and he was developing a technology that would burn low-grade bituminous coal more efficiently. Jeanette admitted that she hadn’t yet told her parents she and David were getting married, and neither had Jeannette’s girlfriend, Tiffany, beside her told her parents about the romantic relationship she had with the much older man. As Jeanette and David left the restaurant after getting the account from the old man at the business dinner, Jeannette got in a cab and told David from now to let her do the lying about her family and not him. The cab got stuck in a bad part of the city, where a homeless man was standing in the street banging on the cab window with a homeless lady dumpster diving close by. When Jeannette got home, she called her eldest sister, Lori, and told her that she spotted their mom and dad, Rose Mary and Rex, digging through trash downtown (they were the homeless people). Lori asked if their mom found any new treasures, and Jeannette said she didn’t stop to find out if her parents were okay. It was at this point in the movie Jeannette starting having flashbacks of when she was a very young girl. The first began with Jeannette asking Rose Mary, who was painting away, if they were going to eat lunch. Even though her daughter was hungry, Rose Mary ignored her and told her to go outside and play with her siblings, Brian and Lori. As the song “Wild Irish Rose,” played in the background, Rose Mary told her very young daughter Jeannette to make lunch herself so she could finish her painting that would last forever instead of making food that would be gone in an hour. Jeanette (around age six) got a lighter and started the gas stove, throwing scissors on the floor. Jeannette was using a stepstool to stir hot dogs in boiling water, and then her apron caught fire from the flames on the gas stove. Jeannette fell off the stool and was on the kitchen floor screaming and her mid section was engulfed in flames, and Rose Mary decided to finally get up and attend to her children. She used a rug to put out the fire, and then Jeannette was shown in a hospital bed recovering from her burns. Dr. Taylor and social worker Miss Kelly questioned little Jeanette without her parents present why she was cooking hot dogs on the stove all by herself. They had an issue with the address and wanted to get info from Jeannette before her parents arrived. They asked her where she lived, and Jeannette replied that they lived all over the place. Jeannette’s family, now out in the hallway, started howling like wolves, and Jeannette howled back and told the doctor and Miss Kelly that was how gray wolves called each other. Jeannette’s dad, Rex, called Jeanette by her nickname, Mountain Goat, and then they all came into the room. Rex didn’t want to shake hands with Dr. Taylor because he said the doctor had a lot of sick on his hands from what he did for a living. Jeannette’s younger brother, Brian, came in with a bandage wrapped around his head and a blood spot on it. Jeannette said she liked the hospital food because she could eat as much as she wanted, and both Brian and Lori agreed they would break their arms to get food like that. Dr. Taylor asked what happened to Brian’s head, and the eldest, Lori, replied that he fell off the couch and cracked his head open on the floor. Dr. Taylor told Rex that he didn’t find Rex’s humor about the children’s injuries amusing and they needed real medical help, so Rex got into the doctor’s face and replied that he was a veteran of the US Air Force who brought his daughter into the hospital so she could be administered medical treatment only then to have the hospital charge the family more money than what Rex made in a year as a pilot. He added that now his family wouldn’t eat for three months so Dr. Taylor could drive his Cadillac, and that the doctor was part of a system of getting rich off of the human need to survive. Miss Kelly wanted to have a word with Rex outside and then the parents were concerned the kids would be taken away from them. The next morning, the Walls family sat outside the Monument Memorial Hospital and (with a cross hanging from the rearview mirror of their old station wagon) Rex gave instructions to his wife and kids about how they needed to pull their scheme off. He told Brian that if he could convince himself, then he could convince the hospital staff and tested his son Brian on his poker face to see if he could do the acting job his dad needed him to. They put Brian’s arm in a sling and Rex took him inside the hospital. Little Brian went one way while Rex hid behind the wall and nodded to Brian. Brian played along and collapsed to the floor, screaming his head off and writhing like he was having a seizure. While a nurse attended to him, Rex used the distraction to sneak into Jeannette’s room. He woke her up and told her they were leaving, and then he picked her up and ran out the door with her. Brian was still screaming and more nurses came to help. Rex shouted to Brian that it was time to go, so Brian quickly got up and said bye to the three nurses trying to help him because nothing was wrong with him. He ran outside to the getaway car with Rex carrying Jeannette. The hospital staff ran after them, but they were already driving away. As they drove, the family talked about building their Glass Castle dream home and that running around the country without a permanent home was only a temporary situation. Rose Mary passed out the books Zane Grey and Black Beauty to the children for them to read, telling Jeannette who she gave Black Beauty to that the book was like Uncle Tom’s Cabin, but for horses. Jeannette said that Dr. Taylor told her staying home and reading books on their own wasn’t a well-rounded education, and that the children should be going to real school instead of homeschool.That irritated Rex, so he said, “real school, huh?” and drove the car off the road through fencing into desert country. It didn’t look like any of them were wearing seatbelts (if the car even had seatbelts) with everyone screaming because they thought they were going to die since the terrain was bumpy and not an actual roadway. Rex stopped the car and got out, and then he gave the kids an education telling them that all of those Juniper and Joshua trees had adapted to survive on only five inches of rainfall a year. He went on to say soon they would watch Orion, Aquarius, and Horologion appear in the night sky, and told the kids that was real as it got and not to let any dumba** doctor tell them different because they learned from living and everything else was a lie. Rose Mary spotted a beautiful tree that she wanted to paint on canvas, so the family camped out there for the night. Jeannette woke up in the middle of the night in the dark and thought she saw something in the desert, and then she started itching because of her burn wounds. Rex was the only other person awake, so Rex built a fire to take off Jeannette’s bandage with her holding her shirt up. He talked about flames and fire to get her mind off from it, telling her there was no point in trying to figure out why she was born a certain time or why she got bit by the fire, and it was just that she got too close to the chaos. Jeannette didn’t understand and had no idea what Rex was talking about. Her stomach without the bandages was then exposed to the cool night air that showed really bad burn marks on her skin. Back in the present day, adult Jeannette lay in bed having those memories. Another day, David surprised her with an Italian cow-print chair, but Jeannette said it was too expensive. She was distracted and told David that it was because she was getting lunch with her mom that day. At lunch, Rose Mary put packets of food in her purse and ate without manners. She wasn’t happy that Jeannette passed by her and Rex in a cab the other night just because her parents had a different lifestyle than her, to which Jeanette replied that homelessness was not a lifestyle. Lori had told Jeanette that her parents were squatting in an abandoned building, and so Jeannette called her mom out on it. Rose Mary lied that she and Rex were now living in a lovely place on the Lower East Side, and Jeannette offered her parents her money to help them out. Rose Mary replied that Jeannette was the one who needed help, and then Jeannette told Rose Mary that she was getting married to David, the financial analyst. Rose Mary said she hoped Jeanette had a plan to tell Rex about the marriage because it was going to kill him. Jeanette had another flashback of her younger self playing with her new baby sister, Maureen. Rex barged into the room and told all the kids it was time to hit the road fast because the Feds were on their tail. Lori explained the “Feds,” were actually bill collectors. The family had been squatting at an abandoned house, and because there wasn’t enough room in the cab of their moving truck, Rose Mary and Rex put all their kids (including baby Maureen who was crying) and their belongings into the back of the truck for the ride to their next unknown location. The kids got older and still rode around in the back of the moving truck. They went to Utah (and had been in Nevada at some point) and moved into an old abandoned house. At the community pool, Rose Mary told Rex that the kids were tired of moving every time he lost a job, and that they wanted to stay in West Virginia where Rex grew up. The family took showers at the pool because Rex was supposed to have had the water turned on two months ago but he still hadn’t gotten around to it. Rose Mary tried to convince Rex that his parents could help them with money if they returned to Welch, but Rex said he wasn’t moving back to West Virginia. Dad Rex then got into the pool to teach Jeannette how to swim because she was clinging to the side of the pool and was afraid of the water. Rex was mad at his wife, so he threw his daughter, who didn’t know how to swim, into the deep end, grabbed her, and just seconds after she caught her breath threw her again, telling her to sink or swim. Jeannette said she wanted to go back to the side of the pool, but Rex threw her again and she swam to the side to the pool. He told her she did it, baby, with everybody staring at Rex’s strange method of teaching someone how to swim. Jeannette ran back to the car, but Rex caught up with her and she was crying telling Rex that he tried to kill her. The pool manager came over and wanted to make sure Jeanette was okay, and Rex told him to mind his own business. When the city pool manager still tried to help the little girl, Rex pointed out that the blacks were limited to specific times of day they could swim in the city worker’s pool, when the white people had access to it all day. Rex made a racial thing out of the situation and claimed that had been a federal offense since 1964. The pool worker called Rex a drunk, so Rex grabbed him and put him in a chokehold. Lori ran over to help Jeannette get Rex off the other man because Rose Mary was trying to get the rest of the kids out of the pool. After the city employee got free, he told Rex he was going to jail. Rose Mary packed up everything at home and said they were leaving with or without Rex and going to West Virginia because he got all the police on their trail and they were going to have their kids taken away. Rex still didn’t want to go back, so Rose Mary put all the kids in the car and told them they were on their way to Welch to meet their genuine hillbilly grandparents. She called for Rex to get in the car to join them and honked the horn. Jeannette got out of the car and went inside the house to find her dad, who was laying on the floor smoking a cigarette. Rex told Mountain Goat (Jeannette) that standing his ground was what he needed to do because Mama was trying to convince everybody to live in a state of fear while freedom was what Rex had been doing all of those years. Jeannette replied that he didn’t look like an important lesson to her and they both laughed over it and got in the car. In present day, Jeanette was taking David to meet her parents. He was sweating profusely in the back of the cab from his nervous syndrome and was afraid that David was going to be thrown through a glass window because Rex already hated him. David said he wasn’t going to be bullied by Rex and he didn’t want to get drunk with him again. Jeanette reminded him they were getting married regardless, so to focus on the positive. They found Rex in an alley fixing up an abandoned building to make it livable. He joked about David’s shirt that was soaked with sweat, and then he brought them inside to see Mary Rose in her art gallery that Rex had set up for her in their temporary living conditions. Jeanette’s siblings were there too, including Maureen who was also staying in the abandoned building because she broke up with a photographer. Rex gave David a drink and made it clear that David refusing the drink wasn’t up for discussion. Rex told Rose Mary to get a new clean shirt for Rex because he was all sweaty, and as he was changing his shirt Rex and Rose Mary noticed that he had no chest hair so they asked if he waxed the hair off or had alopecia. As they ate Chinese takeout, the family discussed how Brian was now a police officer (NYPD) and had just did his first drug bust last week. Brian said the drug bust wasn’t as scary as his parents. When Rex heard that Brian made his first arrest, he said great, he had a son in the Gestapo and a daughter (Jeannette) who wrote gossip. The other adult kids then left Jeannette alone with Rex. They talked about David, and Rex told Jeannette that she wasn’t really happy with him and he was just a phase. Jeannette told Rex otherwise and before she could tell her dad she was marrying David, Rex brought David more drinks to loosen him up and be a better person in Rex’s eyes. In the next flashback that Jeannette had, the Walls arrived in Welch, West Virginia. Rose Mary saw how West Virginia had gone down in the dumps since they last visited and thought that her art career could really take off there. They showed up at Rex’s parents’ house, and his mom hugged her son and welcomed him home. Rex’s dad shook his hand, and then the grandmother said thanks to Rose Mary and Rex for letting her seeing her grandchildren before she died. Rex’s brother, Stanley, was also living with their parents. At the dinner table, Grandma smacked Brian on the back of the head with a spoon because he spit his beans out in his hand. Jeannette screamed at Grandma not to hit her brother and called her a dumb witch, and Rex yelled at Jeannette to show her grandma some respect. Rex then excused himself from the table. Jeannette couldn’t sleep later that night, so she went downstairs and saw Rex drawing more designs for the Glass Castle. He told her they were in West Virginia to start over, and he announced that the following day he was going into town to find the perfect building spot for their castle. Rex whispered to Jeannette that they were getting the hell out of his parents’ house, and the next day the family drove (still with Utah plates on their station wagon) to the rustic cabin on 93 Little Hobart Street that they were renting out weekly and in two years would own outright. Rose Mary started painting the walls with yellow because it stood for happiness and creativity, while Rex was explaining to the kids that they were going to add a game room and then a whole bunch of glass walls everywhere. They went outside and started digging in the ground, and the kids painted the outside of the cabin yellow. Rex built bunk beds for the kids out of the wood around the property. Out on the porch (who was talking and smoking his cigarettes again), Rex told Jeannette that they got the highest property on the mountain where the heat couldn’t burn them in the summer and the floods couldn’t touch them in the winter. In the night, Maureen woke up Jeannette on the top bunk and told her she was hungry, so Jeannette looked in the fridge and saw only butter. She added sugar to the butter and mixed it up so Maureen could eat it. Lori came downstairs yelling at her parents they hadn’t eaten in three days and Maureen was eating butter. The parents weren’t too concerned that all their children were hungry, and Rex told Lori not to talk to her mom like that. He then took the last of the money they had and told the kids that when he got back, they were going to have a feast they could tell all their generations of children about. Ten hours later, the kids were still waiting (in the dark because they had no electricity) for Rex to come back with food and books by candlelight. The kids were in bed by the time Rex stumbled into the house knocking things over. Jeannette got up and went to see Rex, who was smoking at his desk. She noticed that his arm was bleeding really bad, and Rex said he got in a fight with the mountain and the mountain won. He lit the end of a needle with his lighter and told his young daughter Jeannette not to worry about hurting him because he was drunk and he wanted her to sew his arm up (instead of Rose Mary being there to help her injured husband). Jeannette pinched Rex’s skin together and tried to stitch it, but she started crying and told Rex that she couldn’t do it. He told her they would do it together, and he instructed her how to put the stitches in, telling her not to tug quite so heard on the thread. When she was done, Rex said those stitches of Jeannette’s were some mighty fine handiwork. Rex was still drinking alcohol and told Jeannette that he felt she was the only one that had faith in him, and that he would do anything for her and all she had to do was ask. Jeannette asked her dad to stop drinking and added that when he drank, he couldn’t take care of them. Rex told her to leave and go back to bed. Later in the night, while Jeannette was in bed sleeping, Rex creepily woke her up, caressing her face and telling her for the next three days he was going to be keeping to himself from upstairs and he needed the kids to stay away from him. He told Jeannette to take her siblings outside and do something fun while he tried to overcome his alcohol addiction, and no matter what happened not to let anyone give him a drink if he asked for one. While the kids were outside another day digging in the yard and reading, they heard Rex groaning upstairs asking for help. Jeannette didn’t listen to his instructions and went to go check on him, she found Rex on his bed talking to demons and asking God to make it stop with Rose Mary at his side trying to soothe him. In the middle of the night, Rex was still screaming, and Jeannette heard him call for her. She found him in a deep sweat with his wrists tied to the headboard, and he begged Jeannette to give him a drink. She replied that she would get him some water, and he said no and wanted her to get him the whiskey from under the sink. He lied that it was a scientific fact he would die if Jeannette didn’t give him a drink. She started having emotional trauma having to deal with such a situation. Rex repeatedly asked Jeannette if she wanted her daddy to die, but she still said she couldn’t and he screamed at her to get him a drink. She ran downstairs crying, and Lori comforted her because Rose Mary was still not there. A couple of days later, Rex was out of bed and outside with the kids, who were still digging, and it started snowing. Rex got a job that required him to wear a hard hat, and the family was eating better now that Rex was sober. The kids all got presents for Christmas (with help from shopkeeper Bill when Rex went shopping). Mountain Goat got an empty journal from her parents, and they told her to write her own story in it. Jeannette and Rex later lay outside in the snow watching the stars in the sky. He told her that city folks couldn’t see the stars because their air was so polluted, and then he told Jeannette to pick out any star in the sky (except for Beetlejuice and Rigel because her siblings had already made claim to those stars). She picked Venus, and Rex said that because it was Christmas she could have a planet instead of a star. They fell asleep cuddled together in the snow. Back in real time New York City, Rose Mary told Jeannette that she liked David and he would be a nice addition to the family. Rose Mary went on to say to her daughters that she just found out her brother, Uncle Jim, was planning on selling his half of their mom’s land (in Texas). However, Rose Mary was interrupted by Rex screaming at David about the free market and how the fat cats were just making themselves richer and keeping the poor where they were. To settle it, Rex said they needed to fight the way the Romans did it and have an old-fashioned arm-wrestling contest. David didn’t want to, but then he agreed to participate. Rex almost had him beat, and then Jeannette started yelling at David to kick Rex’s butt and show him how wrong he was. She screamed at David to murder her dad, and David won. Rex wanted a left-handed rematch, so David got in his face and said he was ready for whatever the old man had since they were both drunk. Rex punched David in the face, and Jeannette was angry with Rex. He told Jeannette’s boyfriend to be careful what he said to Rex, because he had a military reflex with his fists. Jeannette told Rex that David wasn’t her only boyfriend, but now fiancé. When they got back home, David was mad that Rex punched him in the face because that wasn’t his character and it only happened when he was under the influence of alcohol. He told Jeannette her dad was a nut-job, her mom was delusional, she herself had acted like a madwoman screaming “murder him,” and poor Maureen the youngest had to be out of her mind for choosing to live in that dump with her parents. Jeannette told David that was her family he was talking about, and he understood but added they were totally insane. David said if he and Jeannette were ever going to spend the rest of their lives together, then basically her family couldn’t be part of it. After David went to the bathroom, Jeannette had another flashback of when her family packed up again from West Virginia to go to Texas for Grandma Smith’s funeral. The drive was about twenty hours, but Rex said he could make it in under fifteen hours. Jeannette asked how Grandma Smith died, and Rose Mary carelessly replied that her mom was an old woman and old women died. The kids were griping because they didn’t want to stay behind with Rex’s mom Erma, and Rose Mary said that since Rex hadn’t had a drink in two months, he and Rose Mary deserved a vacation from their children. The kids called Grandma Erma a dumb witch, but Mary Rose corrected them and said that Erma was very smart and that’s where Rex got his intelligence. When the children arrived at Grandma Erma’s house, they didn’t like her rules, which were to eat what she put on their plate, no running in the house, no shouting, no whining, and no opening the windows or curtains (perhaps because there was no air conditioning in the house and she didn’t the sun to make the house hotter, because excessive heat affects everybody’s moods inside the house negatively). In one room, the siblings went through a bunch of old stuff and poems of their dad’s from when he was growing up in the house. Jeannette wouldn’t read one of the cuss words Rex had written, so eldest Lori said the swear word out loud and they all laughed. Later on, Jeannette’s pencil lead broke when she was writing with it, so she went to get the sharpener from Lori’s bag. However, Jeannette heard Brian and Grandma Erma from another room talking, so she opened the door and Grandma was trying to fix Brian’s pants. Jeannette told her siblings that Erma was a pervert and told her to get away from Brian. Erma slapped Lori across the face, and so Lori punched Erma in the face, knocking her backwards onto her feet. Jeannette, Lori, and Brian then jumped on their grandmother and held her down to attack her with Jeannette screaming that nobody messed with their brother. Uncle Stanley came into the room and got the kids off from his mom (their elder grandmother before they killed her). Rex and Rose Mary arrived back at the house (in a different car than their usual station wagon) while Erma was outside smoking a cigarette on the front porch. Rex lectured the kids and told them that Brian was a man and could take care of himself, and Rex didn’t want to hear what the kids thought they saw. He dropped Rose Mary and the kids off at their cabin home. Jeannette wouldn’t get out of the car because she was afraid Rex was going to start drinking again, so she sat in the backseat and refused to budge. Rex yanked Jeannette out of the back of the car and sped off. The next day, the kids went outside because Rose Mary and Rex got in an argument about his drinking alcohol and he was lying about it. Rex was still home and not at his job, so Rose Mary reminded him that he was going to be fired if he didn’t get to work. Rex’s response was why didn’t Rose Mary get a job instead of wasting her time on all of that art crap that he didn’t even relate to, so he started breaking her paintings. She told him he was like his mom, and he tried to attack her. Rose Mary ran upstairs instead of outside and was trapped and assaulted by Rex. The kids outside spotted Rose Mary dangling from the two-story window (in her dress) and Rex holding her by the arms. The young children ran upstairs and helped pull their mom inside and away from their drunken dad. Rex then made it about him being the victim of Rose Mary biting him as she was pulled into the room, when clearly it was his attack on her. Rex lied to the kids that Rose Mary jumped out the window and tried to convince the kids that their mom was crazy. Rose Mary started attacking Rex again because he was gaslighting her. The children watched, in horror, their parents fighting each other on the bed. Rose Mary and Rex then started laughing and kissing in front of the kids, turned on by their violent attack. As Rose Mary was later fixing her broken artwork, Jeannette walked up to her and told her to leave Rex. Rose Mary told Jeannette that when her mom met Rex, he couldn’t understand why she didn’t display any of her daughter’s artwork in her house. He stuck up for Rose Mary’s creativity and took down all of the other paintings in her mom’s house to put Rose Mary’s paintings in their place. Jeannette replied that Rex was never going to change so to leave him now, and Rose Mary said no. Later on, Jeannette made a decision and told her three siblings that since their parents were never going to take care of them, they needed to take care of themselves. They were going to start going to public school and saving up money so they could move out of the house when they were old enough. They all pinky promised each other that they would do that against their parents and that they were getting the heck out of dodge. Years went by, and the foundation spot they were digging to start ground on the Glass Castle was now their junk pile. In school, Jeanette became the high school reporter/photographer and helped her siblings get through their studies as well because Rose Mary and Rex weren’t doing that. Jeannette also worked at the Welch Daily News. Teen Jeannette told older teen Lori that Miss Bivens asked Jeannette to be the editor of the school paper next year. Lori told Jeannette that by the time she graduated, every school in New York was going to be fighting to have her there. Brad came to pick Lori up then, and (with Rose Mary not around at all and Rex somewhere in the backyard and not knowing that Lori was leaving) Lori said goodbye to her siblings. She told Jeannette to start saving up and left her five dollars in the piggy bank because she was next to go. Brad sped away with Lori and her other friends inside the car and Rex chased on foot after them. Rex, smoking another cigarette, interrogated the younger kids (with Rose Mary present now) to figure out why Lori left for good. Obviously, Rex was way worse at this point in time because now even Rose Mary was afraid to stand up to him. Rex went and kicked the trash over, complaining that somebody didn’t take it out yet. Her older sister, Jeannette, then comforted Maureen instead of her mother.  

MOVIE REVIEW CONTINUED FROM ABOVE


DATE REVIEWED: 3/12/23

TITLE: The Glass Castle 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2017 Lionsgate/A Gil Netter Production/A Destin Daniel Cretton Film/Tik Films (Hong Kong) Limited

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1


PART TWO OF TWO: 


 Another day, Lori called Jeannette at the house knowing Rex would be passed out drunk. Lori told Jeannette that the previous night, she met at a restaurant a writing professor from Barnard. To help Jeannette get in, Lori had informed the professor that Jeannette applied to her school. Lori told Jeannette that the professor said she would be happy to read Jeannette’s stuff, and Lori added to call the lady when Jeannette got up to where Lori was in New York. She asked how the escape fund was going, and Jeannette replied that it was getting close and she had earned the money babysitting all the demon children in Welch. She took her piggybank she had hidden under the floorboards and shook it next to the phone so Lori could hear all the money. Jeannette said it sounded like freedom, and Lori told her she was going to love it in New York and it would feel like she could breathe for the first time. Jeannette was afraid Rex wasn’t going to let her go, and then she heard glass shattering, hung up the phone telling Lori to call her back later, hid her piggy bank, and went to check out the noise. There were books on the floor and a kitchen chair through the window with broken glass all around. Uncle Stanley was there with the news that Rex’s mom died. They went to Grandma Erma’s funeral, and afterwards as Rose Mary and the kids were walking home Jeannette asked her mom if she thought Erma ever molested Rex. Rose Mary replied that Jeannette couldn’t think of things like that because it would make her crazy. Jeannette decided to go by herself in another direction from home and left Rose Mary to walk home with the other kids. Teenager Jeannette went to Juniors’ Bar to find Rex and sat next to him at the counter. She quoted Rex’s writing from his childhood about drowning in sh**, and Rex changed the conversation and had his daughter hustle some pool players to make some money. Robbie (the pool player) walked over and danced young Jeannette as Rex racked the balls on the pool table to start the game. Robbie told Jeannette that he was headed to Chicago as soon as he could save up for it, and he wanted to know what her plans were. She spilled the beans that she was saving up to move to New York City to be with her sister, and Robbie told her she was going to love it there. Robbie ended up paying Rex $80 for four games of Rex winning at pool. Robbie and Rex then had one last shot drink together, and Robbie toasted to Rex’s daughter and her big move to New York City. Robbie invited Jeannette to his apartment upstairs to listen to records while Rex stewed over the news of Jeannette’s move. Jeannette told Robbie that she couldn’t, and so he asked Rex if she could go with him upstairs. Rex replied that she was a big city girl now and she could handle herself, even though Jeannette was shaking her head at Rex no. He told Jeannette to holler if she needed him, so Jeannette got up from the table and took Robbie upstairs to his room. They started slow-dancing to a record. Robbie tried to kiss Jeannette, but she told him she wasn’t that kind of girl. He danced her onto the bed and started unzipping the back of her dress. She told him to stop and said she would show him herself. She started kissing him as a ploy to get out of the situation, and then she unzipped her dress herself and pulled the top half partially down to show him her scarred belly. Robbie was a little grossed out about it, and Jeannette told him when she was a little girl, she lit herself on fire and it got worse in her private parts area. She then announced that she was leaving and walked out the door. Rex drove Jeannette home, telling her that he knew she could handle herself like that time he taught her how to swim (she almost drowned). He gave her the cut from the scam they did on Robbie and told her she was going to need it for her big move. Jeannette said she didn’t care what Rex’s mother did to him, there was no excuse for his behavior and Jeannette was moving to New York and there was nothing Rex could do about it. Back at home, Jeannette went to put her money away in the piggy bank. She walked into her room with Brian there reading and told him she needed to get the hell out of there. However, she found her piggy bank broken and empty. She confronted Rex and threw the empty hog at him. Dad wanted to know if there were any suspects that gutted her pig, and Jeannette said that money was hers. Rex took out a cigarette and started smoking on the couch (again with Rose Mary nowhere in sight). Present day, at Jeannette’s New York Magazine high-rise glass office building job, the phone rang. Jeannette answered it to Maureen (dressed in biker clothes) who told her she couldn’t make it to Jeannette’s engagement party that night because she was moving to California. Jeannette tried to tell her that was halfway across the country and she couldn’t go because the four siblings had always stuck together. Maureen corrected Jeannette that wasn’t true and hung up. At the engagement party, the three siblings were talking about their youngest sister going to California and questioning why she would do that. They said it was their own fault for leaving Maureen alone with their parents, and added that Maureen would have hated the dull engagement party anyway. As David was asking who wanted more champagne, Rose Mary and Rex showed up and said they did. Jeannette (with her Jackie Kennedy pearls around her neck) quickly asked her siblings if they invited their parents. Police officer Brian confessed that he invited them. As Rex was telling awful jokes to the partygoers and they were all living it up, Jeannette pulled him away because she wasn’t happy he was there embarrassing her in her different class of friends. She took her dad into a bedroom to talk to him in private, and he questioned why none of her mom’s paintings were on her walls. Jeannette told Rex that Maureen left home because her dad’s crap drove her crazy, and then Rex told Jeannette that she was born to change the world, not add to the noise. He said she couldn’t marry that fool, and that she was a real writer and didn’t need the gossip column or David. Jeannette countered that she liked her life, and Rex asked then why was all her crap still packed up in the boxes. Rose Mary opened the door and wanted to know what was going on between her daughter and her husband after all these years. She said that she didn’t want David to be upset because he was part of the family now, and Jeannette was wondering why her parents were all of a sudden so concerned about David. Rex replied that whatever Rose Mary wanted to tell Jeannette could wait until tomorrow, but Rose Mary told Jeannette about Uncle Jim selling his half of their mom’s land in Texas. Now that Jeannette was getting married and had all those nice things in her apartment, her parents were hoping to borrow about $1 million from Jeannette and David to buy Jim’s land. Jeannette couldn’t believe the only reason her parents were being nice to David was to get his money, but Rose Mary corrected her and said she was a nice person in general and it was an urgent matter. Jeannette said if Uncle Jim’s land was worth that much, then so was Rose Mary’s land. Rose Mary admitted that she never had the land appraised, and her dad taught her never to sell land that she owned. Jeannette, in her smart quick mind, figured out that Grandma Smith died when she was eleven and that her mom had been sitting on $1 million since that time and raised her children horribly and in poverty. Jeannette was mad at Rex because he knew about it too, and then she stormed out of the room asking what was wrong with her parents. In the midst of her engagement party, with everybody watching, a scene broke out between Jeannette and her parents. She called out Rose Mary and Rex for following her to New York when the kids ran away from their parents to escape their nightmare upbringing by two ungodly souls that could not parent to save a life, let alone four. Rose Mary replied that they wanted to be a family again (were they really ever a family to begin with because God was not first and it was obvious?), and Jeannette told everyone that her dad was too drunk to be a parent and so the kids raised themselves since Rose Mary wasn’t there for them emotionally. Jeannette told Rex that she didn’t want to talk to, see, or hear from him ever again and didn’t want him be a part of her life anymore. Jeannette went to her bedroom and cried it out. Jeannette had another flashback from when it was her turn to leave home. She comforted Maureen, who was crying in bed, and then Brian sat on their youngest sister’s (Maureen) bed and took the place of Jeannette after she walked out the door. Downstairs, as Jeannette said goodbye to Rex who was still at the drawings for the Glass Castle, Jeannette told him that he was never going to build it, but that if he wanted to not to build it for Jeannette. She said she was leaving even if she had to hitchhike her way to New York. She left without saying goodbye to her mom. Presently, Jeannette looked at her professionally done wedding photo that was on her nightstand. In the picture, she was holding white roses and wearing a white dress suit with Lori and Brian next to her, while David in his tuxedo had his parents standing next to him. At breakfast the next morning, David reminded Jeannette that they had a dinner date later that night with a potential account, Mr. Lehocky who was a mega furniture designer. It was a very big deal for David and Jeannette. After David left, the answering machine played a message from Rose Mary telling Jeannette that it had been too long and she really needed to talk to Jeannette about something and to call her back. On that same day, Jeannette met up with Rose Mary, who asked Jeannette if she had been to the Picasso Retrospective up at MoMA yet, and not to waste her time there because Picasso didn’t do anything worthwhile after his Rose Period. Mom told her daughter Jeannette that Rex was sick and wasn’t getting better, and he completely stopped talking the previous week and wouldn’t get out of bed or eat because of what Jeannette said to him at the engagement party about him always talking. Rose Mary told Jeannette that Rex was dying, and she would regret it if she didn’t tell her dad goodbye. Jeannette said she told rex goodbye a long time ago and she walked away. Jeannette then met up with her brother in blue and her older sister for lunch. Lori told her that the doctor said Rex had a month to live only if he stopped drinking, but of course he wouldn’t stop. Brian added that Rex had pretty much what a person would get from four packs of cigarettes and two quarts of booze every day for fifty years. Lori told Jeannette to go see her dad, and Brian said Rex had his moments. Jeannette then had a memory of Rex showing up at her college dorm room asking all the girls where her room was. He howled like when Jeannette was burned in the hospital and found that Jeannette had been crying. Rose Mary had told Rex that Jeannette’s scholarships weren’t enough and so she was packing up to leave college. Rex had driven from West Virginia to New York to see Jeannette. She told him she was dropping out, and he said the hell she was and dumped a bag put onto the bed full of cash, $950 worth. He also added a mink fur coat on her bed that he said Jeannette could pawn for $50. He explained that he got all that money from poker playing in New York City. In the present day, in a cab on the way to the restaurant for dinner, David told Jeannette that Mrs. Lehocky was a fan of hers and read her gossip column every week. Jeannette replied that rich, white, and old was their target audience, and then he mentioned the message he heard from Rose Mary on the answering machine. Jeannette lied that nothing was wrong and it was just mom being mom. David told Jeannette not to give in to her parents whatever they wanted, and she had been so much better without them. At dinner, the happy old Lehocky couple, Vi and Ollie, spoke of their long-term marriage and business success. Ollie told Jeannette and David that his wife was the artist while Ollie just made sure that the furniture didn’t fall apart. He added that as long as you were doing what you loved and what made you happy, and working together, then making money doing it was just a bonus. Jeannette was asked if she was doing what she wanted to do, and it was a shock to David to hear Jeannette say no because she was once a political science major and wanted to write stories that actually mattered. Jeannette said she didn’t think she would end up where she was, and Vi gave her encouragement and told over it’s not over yet. David mentioned Jeannette’s dad and his engineering project, so when the subject was brought up about where her dad was now, Jeannette excused herself from the table and went to the bathroom. Jeannette then remembered inside the bathroom how Rex took off the bandage after her burn when he whisked her out of the hospital room into the desert. He asked her how it felt to have the bandages off her burned skin, and little Jeannette told her dad her wounds looked ugly. He Rex replied that one day she was going to look at the scars and be reminded of how strong she was for getting through it. Rex then he gave her a very sharp knife that she could use to hunt her demons with, and warned her six-year-old self not to take it out unless she was absolutely sure it was a demon. He said Jeannette could borrow the knife for the night, and he told her that all monsters were the same and they liked to frighten people, but the minute you stare them down they turn tail and run. Back to reality, Jeannette returned to the table and told the truth about that her parents were squatting in an abandoned building on the Lower East Side, and how they were homeless for three years before that which was how they raised their children. David warned Jeannette to stop talking, but she kept going and admitted that her dad was not an engineer but he was very smart about science. However, she said that he was also a drunk, never finished what he started, and could be extremely cruel at times. Despite that, Rex was a big dreamer and was true to himself, and that her dad wanted Jeannette to always act that way too. She told David she had to leave, and he told her to go. As Jeannette left the restaurant, she had a memory of Rex and her going to get the demon. They both howled like wolves and ran together (with Jeannette holding the knife) in the desert in the West, in the hills of West Virginia, and then in the streets of New York City with Jeannette running by herself to go say goodbye to her dad for the last time. She went to her parents’ homeless shack, where Rose Mary left so Jeannette and Rex could be alone. Within five minutes of her arrival, Jeannette was able to get Rex talking again by recalling memories from the past. He handed her an album filled with every story she wrote since the eighth grade, and they were all newspaper clippings that her parents had saved and wanted Jeannette to keep adding to. Rex said that he had a lot of regrets in his life and spent most of it fighting the demons inside himself. He told Jeannette that she was beautiful, smart, creative, and strong, and that no little girl ought to have to carry her daddy on her back. He added that Jeannette wasn’t like him because she wasn’t afraid, but she replied that she was like him and she was glad of it and even though they never built the Glass Castle, they had fun planning it. Jeannette, now a divorced freelance writer living in a new house, invited Lori, Brian (with his wife and their baby daughter), Maureen, and Rose Mary over for Thanksgiving. Rose Mary gave Jeannette a housewarming present, which was a painting she made of her now deceased husband (Rex). At the Thanksgiving dinner table, Jeannette was crying as they talked. Jeannette told everybody that she felt really lucky, and they all toasted Rex because with him, life was never boring. Silas Lesnick from ComingSoon.net said “A powerful, engaging story and a truly exceptional cast,” and Dave Morales from Fox TV Houston declared “One of the best film of the year!” 



  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/11/23

TITLE: Best in Show 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000 Warner Bros. Entertainment/Castle Rock Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a bizarre series of interviews of several people who were about to compete in the 125th Annual Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show at the Beyman Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (sponsored by Iams Eukanuba). It started at the office of psychiatrist Dr. Nelken. The shrink interviewed a married couple, Hamilton and Meg Swan, about how their Weimaraner dog, Beatrice, who was depressed ever since she saw her two-legged parents having sex. Dr. Nelken asked if their sexual intercourse had been unusual in any way, to which Meg replied she and her husband had recently been reading a book called Kama Sutra. She said she lit candles played music, and got into a position she didn’t feel comfortable in. It was called “Congress of the Cow,” and she explained the position to Dr. Nelken. She and Hamilton said Beatrice didn’t say a thing when she witnessed them but just stared. Meg and Hamilton then apologized to poor Beatrice, who was lying on the supposed doctor’s couch. Hamilton and Meg (both attorneys) explained how they met at Starbucks and were both working on their Mac computers at the time. Meg was reading J. Crew, and Hamilton said they still liked to get together on the weekends at Starbucks and take an L.L. Bean catalog. Meanwhile, In Fern City, Florida Cookie and Gerry Fleck were interviewed. Cookie said she used to have hundreds of boyfriends before she met Gerry, and he said he used to be called “Loopy,” because he was born with two left feet and walked in circles until he went through therapy and learned how to walk a straight line and dance. Cookie and Gerry went to a good luck/farewell party for their Terrier, Winky, who was headed to the Mayflower dog show. Cookie and Gerry sang a song they wrote called “God loves a Terrier.” Then, in a different part of the country, known as the Fishin’ Hole in Pinenut, North Carolina, Harlan Pepper was interviewed with his bloodhound Hubert. After that, in Tribeca, New York City, husband and husband Scott Donlan and Stefan Vanderhoof were highlighted with their two Shih-Tzus. The two male lovers went on about male sexual innuendos, using God’s name in vain and bragged about being all that on campus. A photo album of Scott and Stefan’s love relationship was shown and it included a picture of Stefan bending over with his dress up in the air and his bare bottom showing. Scott, wearing a black Marilyn Monroe-type dress and Chiquita Banana headdresses, had his hand up in the air about to spank the other man on his bare butt.Scott said he and Stefan went out on dates together and saw a bunch of movies. They said they had a lot in common and the male and male was the all-American love story, and eventually the gay “Us,” ended up on the marquee. Later on, at Cabot Mansion in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania middle-aged Sherri Ann Cabot and her very old husband Leslie Ward Cabot (think Anna Nicole Smith and Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall) with their standard Poodle Butch were shown. Sherri Ann seemed to travel everywhere with her female dog handler, Christy Cummings. Christy said she was the mommy/daddy to Sherri Ann’s dogs, and she said her own mother’s job had been the heart and soul and unconditional love. It worked for Christy’s family until her mom committed suicide in 1981.All the contestants packed up to leave for the dog show. Cookie and Gerry had a list of places to stop along the way, which included Sherman’s War Trail in Atlanta and getting a ham sandwich at Lee’s Comeuppance. They left in their van. At the Fishin’ Hole in Pinenut, North Carolina, Harlan Pepper and his Bloodhound, Hubert, packed up their camper. During Harlan’s send-off, his buddy gave him a cassette tape of funny songs to listen to on the way. Graham Chissolm, the Mayflower Show Chairman in Moordale, Illinois, explained how they were getting ready for the dog show with all the equipment, and how the chief matched the handler’s armbands with their dogs, which all happened behind the curtain in the arena. At the airport, Meg and Hamilton (husband and wife attorneys) were threatening lawsuits when a man walked over to pet Beatrice and then snapped at the man’s hand. Cookie wanted to visit Max, one of her ex-husbands, and his new wife, Fay, so she and Gerry (obviously not happy about it) drove hundreds of miles out of their way to stop and see Max. Upon arrival, in the house, Cookie held Winky, and so Max gave Winky to Gerry to hold while Max french kissed Cookie in front of everybody. He then took her aside to show her around the house. While Cookie, Gerry, Max, and Fay were arguing at the dinner table, they suddenly realized little Winky was gone. They went out to the backyard to find Max and Fay’s son, Zach, sitting on top of the shed holding Winky with a parachute wrapped around one of their necks. Max threatened to gouge his son’s eye out with his thumb, punch him in the eye until it turned to jelly, and stab him with forks until he bled. In Philadelphia, Mark Schaefer, the Taft Hotel Manager where the dog show attendees were staying at a group discounted rate, explained how he and the staff kept the rooms clean when the dog show contestants booked rooms. The hotel man mentioned one past incident with a rock band group in one of the rooms. They didn’t use the toilet and peed all over the room, so the hotel staff had a lot of cleaning to do. The band members also roasted a goat in the room, and it was quite a chore getting the smell of cumin and charcoal out of the drapes. Scott and Stefan checked in at the Taft Hotel. They flirted with Mark at the counter because he was 6’4, and so they compared him with The Godfather. Sherri Ann and Christy went on the Philadelphia A.M. TV show with hosts Robin and Chuck. Chuck asked if Sherri Ann’s Poodle, Rhapsody in White (Butch) who was competing in Mayflower, was a bit**. Christy confirmed that Butch was a female bit** dog. Cookie and Gerry arrived at the Taft, but their credit card transaction was declined multiple times. Manager Mark called the credit card company to verify if there was credit left on the card, and Cookie said they had to pay the cable, the gas, and the water bills. They didn’t have traveler’s checks, no more credit on their card, and not enough cash so then Mark decided to see what he could do and get an alternative room for them for two nights. Christy and Sherri Ann held their preshow ritual party with a bunch of other people for the Mayflower show. Mark put Cookie and Gerry in the utility closet for the night because he claimed it was all they had since they were already booked up. He said they would clean out the supplies and bring in a cot for Cookie and Gerry to sleep on so they wouldn’t have to sleep out in the cold, and the public bathroom was two flights downstairs with the kitchen right next door. In Hamilton and Meg’s hotel room, he told Meg he was considering wearing his turtleneck from Saks during the show. The two lawyers had a disturbing marriage to say the least. At the party, Malcolm, another ex of Cookie’s, recognized her. She introduced her husband Gerry to Malcom, and then Cookie and Malcolm talked about their sex life when they met in Louisville, Kentucky and she was a waitress there. Hamilton and Meg then checked out the non designer tag on Harlan’s jacket to see if it was L.L. Bean, when they knew it wasn’t and just wanted to embarrass Harlan because they thought he was a hick. Cookie and Gerry met Scott and Stefan, and Scott had written the name “Mary,” on his name tag. At the dog show event, the televised announcers were Buck Laughlin and Trevor Beckwith (with a British accent). Trevor said he wrote a dog obedience book and franchised schools. In the dog preparation room, Hamilton yelled at Beatrice to bring home a blue ribbon, and then he crawled inside Beatrice’s crate to find her Busy Bee dog toy. When he couldn’t find it he screamed at Meg to run to the hotel and get the toy. Beatrice wouldn’t make eye contact with Hamilton after Meg left, so he grabbed the dog’s head and shouted to her to look at him, not the fat-a** losers or freaks. Hubert the bloodhound took first prize in the Hound dog group. In the hotel room, Meg and the maid couldn’t find Busy Bee anywhere. Meg was having a breakdown and screamed at the maid and then at Mark the hotel manager when he told her that there was a pet store nearby where she could get another toy and Meg stormed out. Scott and Stefan’s Shih Tzu took first in the toy dog group. Backstage, Christy met with Harlan (with Hubert) and explained that she handled Rhapsody in White, a two time best in show winner there at Mayflower, and the male and female “appeared” to hit it off. The pet store employee didn’t have the exact toy in stock that Meg wanted, so he tried to help her find a similar toy. Meg treated him like crap and belittled him before she just grabbed a toy, threw cash on the counter, and ran out. Winky took first in the Terriers group while Meg arrived back at the show. Hamilton was angry that his wife was gone for half an hour and came back with the wrong toy, a purple rooster toy. Meg hit him with the toy and he walked off. In the sporting dogs group, Beatrice jumped on the judge, and the female judge dismissed Beatrice (banned from competition) and her handler Hamilton too from the show altogether. Back in Scott and Stefan’s hotel room, they were bashing Christy on live TV until she and Rhapsody (Butch) ended up taking first in their group. Scott and Stefan said it looked like Rhapsody had two mommies because the females, Christy and Sherri Ann, were then caught on camera kissing passionately. The final seven dogs appeared in the arena for Best in Show then. Backstage, Cookie tripped over an invisible object and fell to the floor, supposedly hurting her knee and so she convinced Gerry to handle Winky. The final judge was Everett Bainbridge, who chose Gerry (with two left shoes on his feet) and Winky for Best in Show. Six months later Gerry and Cookie were interviewed again and said when they returned to Fern City after the dog show they became instant celebrities. The mayor gave them the key to the city; they got a picture in the newspaper, and three radio interviews. A friend of theirs suggested they record some of the songs they wrote about their Terrier dog. They did just that, and as they recorded a song the producer, Bulge, interrupted them to see if Cookie recognized him because he was another one of her exes. Bulge and Cookie discussed the sex they had on a roller coaster one time as Gerry was banging his head on the microphone unable to believe his wife had another ex showing up in their lives. Christy and Sherri Ann discussed how losing the Mayflower a year ago was devastating, but the silver lining was they took their lesbian relationship to a whole new level. They opened up offices and published their magazine “American Bit**,” the dog magazine for women and their dogs that focused solely on the issues of the lesbian purebred dog owner. They had their first two magazines framed on the wall behind them and were working on a third issue. Harlan said that after the Mayflower, he went to Israel, where there he realized that he had more to offer to the world than just having a fishing shop and going to dog shows, so he decided to continue mastering the art of ventriloquism. Scott and Stefan had their friend, Terry the photographer, (who lived near them and had helped take nude photos of Stefan for his birthday a couple of years ago) help them put together a calendar with pictures of their Shih Tzus dressed up in old Hollywood movie attire. This was because of Scott and Stefan’s love of the old movies in the thirties and forties, so the MGM musicals and the great love stories were the themes for the calendar pictures. Hamilton and Meg were back in Dr. Nelken’s office, and they were completely out of their designer clothing and into matching attire. They said they were happy now and their sex life was back on track, and they blamed the issues they had before on the four-legged child Beatrice they got rid of. They declared that female Beatrice was a very negative and hurtful dog and she was the problem, so they replaced Beatrice with a new male dog, Kipper. Meg and Hamilton said that Kipper liked to watch them having sex, as Kipper the pug was in the room humping the shrink’s leg in his office. Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper from Ebert and Roeper And The Movies declared their signature “Two thumps up!” Stephen Holden from The New York Times claimed “This comic jigsaw puzzle is crammed with deliriously funny bits,” and Lou Lumenick from the New York Post said “the year’s funniest movie.” 



  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/10/23

TITLE: Funny Farm 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children. )

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1988 Warner Bros. Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is about a sportswriter named Andy Farmer who lives with his wife, Elizabeth, in Manhattan, New York. In the beginning of the movie, his coworkers were smoking and drinking around the table as they gave Andy a send-off. Andy’s boss, Jack, wished Andy good luck because he and Elizabeth were moving to Redbud, Vermont to live in the Musselman country house they just bought so Andy could write a novel and they could start a family. Andy and Elizabeth, in their two-seater convertible, turned down the road to Redbud with the moving truck, Triboro Movers Inc., behind them quite a ways. Two delinquent teenage Vermont boys cut down the sign for Redbud and stole it, running off before the moving truck saw them and kept driving. Andy and Elizabeth had already turned down the road because the sign had been in place when they went past it and soon arrived at their new country house with a great mountain view and a pond with ducks. Andy started to carry Elizabeth over the threshold, but the door was a half door (think Mr. Ed’s barn door) and only the top door was open so he ran into the bottom door, accidentally dropping Elizabeth on the other side onto the hard floor. In the kitchen, they discovered that the telephone they ordered a month ago had not been installed. There was no food and Elizabeth was hungry, so she crunched on an ice cube with Andy saying they would go to Redbud and get something to eat once the movers got there. However, the movers, Crocker the driver and his assistant, Mickey, were currently lost. They tried to get directions from an old John-Deere-hat-wearing farmer sitting in his rocking chair on the porch putting all his eggs in one basket, but he wasn’t very friendly and told them to guess their way to Redbud since they were able to guess his name was Mac. To pass the time, Elizabeth and Andy decided to have sex right there on the floor in the house because the settlers didn’t need beds 200 years ago. They were interrupted by a honking horn because they believed the movers finally made it. Andy went outside to meet the moving truck, walking in the road as he did so, and Elizabeth put her shirt back on and looked out the window to see it was not the moving truck, it was a crazy driver coming up the narrow road honking his horn like a madman. She ran outside and warned Andy just in time. Andy jumped out of the way as the reckless driver, who turned out to be the USPS mail carrier that didn’t stop at the mailbox but just threw the mail out the window and kept driving. Elizabeth whacked Andy on the forehead and claimed it was a mosquito because she was mad that he said they had to get used to living in the sticks and adjust to outlaw Vermont country bumpkins. The moving truck went back by Mac’s house again, and Mickey decided to try conversing with Mac nicely, who was now putting pears instead of eggs in his basket. Mac gave them directions using landmarks that weren’t even there, and alternatively said the movers could save themselves a heap of time and take the bridge and they would be there in a few minutes. The movers didn’t even thank Mac, and it was after they drove away in a hurry that Mac said he wouldn’t recommend going that way because it was a wooden covered bridge and the truck was too heavy. The truck stopped at the entrance to the bridge, and Mickey said he wouldn’t go over it on a skateboard and he was getting out, but didn’t. The white man driver, Crocker, said to have faith in the craftsmanship of his forefathers, to which the black man, Mickey, replied that they were Crocker’s forefathers, not his own. They drove slowly across the bridge with the planks breaking under the wheels because of the weight overload. Some of the boards fell into the water below and the truck wheel got stuck. The bridge started crumbling down on top of the truck, and they slowly backed it up with Mickey saying it was over because he didn’t believe they would make it through. They did make it back onto land before the entire Vermont covered bridge collapsed into the water. Crocker then popped a bunch of pills into his mouth and started chewing on them. Elizabeth sat on the porch eating a banana and waiting for the movers. Andy came out and asked where she got the banana, and she replied that it was from the picnic basket. He thought there had been an apple in the basket, but Elizabeth lied and said there was no apple and finished off the banana. As it grew dark, the movers parked their truck on the roadside. The driver told his coworker not to lose the map because it might help the driver get off a murder charge, since he was going to kill the person that drew the worthless map. Elizabeth and Andy tried to sleep on the “hard wood,” floors, and Elizabeth hummed Andy to sleep. She thought he was asleep and took a bite of the apple, which she had lied earlier about not having, and didn’t share it with her husband because she was mad at him. Andy got up in the morning and found the apple core on their sleeping blanket, but he didn’t get a chance to tell Elizabeth because then the movers showed up outside.As they drove up to the house, Andy shouted at the movers, calling them all kinds of names. He said they had a contract that if the movers were late, Andy would get a rebate, but now he wanted a full refund. They said they got lost, and Andy screamed how could they have got lost because he himself had drawn them a map. Crocker and Mickey silently gave each other eyes before they got out of the truck to signal that they would do something to pay Andy back. Instead of a starting a fistfight, the movers opened the back of the truck. Crocker, carrying Andy’s desk chair, followed Andy around the side of the house while Mickey stayed behind. Andy explained that the chair was top-quality leather and he didn’t want the floors scratched because they were just done. As he went on and on, he lost Crocker, who headed for the pond. Andy gave Elizabeth a thumbs-up as he walked by the porch, and then Crocker threw the chair into the pond. He told the Farmers off and told them to stay out of his way and keep their mouths quiet because Andy’s hand-drawn map was the reason they were so late. Andy agreed that was fair. They fished the chair out of the pond and put it in Andy’s writing room. The Farmers got settled into their new country life. One day, Andy was trying to write in his office room while Elizabeth worked in the garden outside the window. Andy started typing on his typewriter the words “The Big Heist,” as the title of his novel, but after that he fell asleep in his chair without having written anything on the actual story. In the garden, Elizabeth heard something hollow and kept digging to find a coffin in the ground. She shouted for Andy to come out, but the half door caught him in the crotch as he ran to open the door and see what she was yelling about. While he was crippled over in pain on the floor, he saw the phone jack and discovered that the phone they had ordered was already in the house, but it was hidden inside the hutch. Elizabeth, with dirt all over her butt, came running into the house and part of the way upstairs, whacking Andy’s head and body into the hutch as she opened both the doors. He shouted to her and she came back downstairs telling Andy to use the phone to call the movers because she found a coffin in the garden and didn’t want to live there anymore. When Andy called the operator to ask for the sheriff, there was a female operator who played games on her end at her phone company job telling Andy to put 20 cents in the slot and she would be happy to complete his call, knowing that it wasn’t a payphone he was calling from. An older female in the room overheard and told the first female to disconnect because the vulgar and abusive language that Andy displayed was an automatic disconnect on a call. Andy called again, this time impersonating Dr. Grail from the utilities commission. He asked for the sheriff because they had a fire, but the old lady heard and knew it was Mr. Farmer, so she disconnected him again. Andy tried to call back a third time. He held a glass jar and dropped two pennies into it to sound like two dimes being put in the payphone slot. However, the old lady said she knew that wasn’t the sound of dimes being put in the slot and called out exactly what Andy was doing. Elizabeth then jumped on the phone and demanded the old lady operators get the sheriff because they had a corpse in their garden. Queen of that Vermont house Elizabeth instantly got results from the two-gaslighting females at the Vermont telephone company. The older town sheriff, Sheriff Ledbetter, then showed up with a tow truck and brothers Dirk and Lon Criterion (think Larry, Darryl, and minus Darryl). They hauled the casket out of the ground, but they dropped it and it broke open. Andy put his hand over Elizabeth’s eyes, and Sheriff Ledbetter and the brothers started laughing because they recognized Claude Musselman as the corpse since he had a glass eye. Ledbetter said he knew that Claude’s wife, Eula, would get the last word in somehow. He explained that old Claude use to alley-cat around town with another woman, Dorita Freeburger. When he died, he left the house to Eula, and $10,000 to Dorita. That made Eula so mad that she stuffed Claude in a cheap pine box and buried him in the garden. The grinning sheriff told Dirk and Lon to take Claude over to the cemetery and Ledbetter would see to it that Claude got a proper burial. They asked Elizabeth for shoveland plastic Gladd bags, and as the sheriff left he told Andy and Elizabeth to be on the lookout because there was a mule Claude had that was still missing. As Sheriff Ledbetter drank from a glass bottle of Coca-Cola, Elizabeth spoke up about their mailman. The Vermont sheriff identified him as Crum Petree and explained the problem was their house was five miles off Crum’s route, so by the time he got there he was pissed off and drunk. Ledbetter’s advice was to learn to live with it. Elizabeth questioned Ike, who was driving the sheriff around in a taxi cab, and Ike informed her that ever since the sheriff flunked his driver’s test, he had to be chauffeured everywhere. Andy told his wife to give it a chance because they didn’t move to Vermont for a change of scenery, but a change of heart. As Andy tried to write one morning, a little sparrow that lived outside in the birdhouse starting singing happily. That annoyed Andy so much that he whistled to the sparrow and then took the mug of coffee that he had on the open windowsill and dumped the scorching hot coffee onto the poor little bird, burning it and it flew off screeching in pain. As Elizabeth was dancing and unpacking in the living room with her Walkman blasting in her ears, Andy came downstairs and told her he was taking a break from writing and going fishing. He cast his line into the pond, and it appeared he might have hit one of the ducks with the hook because it squawked away. He got a bite and reeled it in, flinging the line back to reel it in quicker. A black snake flew at Andy and wrapped itself around his head. He ran to the house with the line trailing behind him and the snake attached to the end of it because the line was attached to Andy somehow. He tried to shout to Elizabeth, but she was still blasting her music so she has no idea about her husband’s dilemma outside. He got the line detached from himself and went to get a heavy rock, but when he turned around he saw the snake slithering through the open door into the house. Elizabeth screamed her head off when she saw the snake (she had just told her husband that she loved the country) and he ran to help her. Andy and Elizabeth then went for a drive to town to get Elizabeth out of the house because she had been cooped up for too many days. In Redbud, they saw a banner for the Founders’ Day Picnic, but they kept driving because Elizabeth didn’t want to go. They stopped outside Ethel Dinges’ Antiques store, and Elizabeth told Andy (wearing his Los Angeles Rams t-shirt and New York Yankees baseball cap) to go to the softball game at the picnic because she knew he wouldn’t want to go to the antique store with her. He gave her the car keys and then went to sit down and root for the Redbud Raidersplaying on the field. They decided to throw the ball really high into the air, so as the catcher reached up to catch it thinking it was a foul, the overweight batter swung his bat and knocked the catcher really hard on the back of the head. The catcher fell to the ground, and the spectators on the bleachers shouted for the batter to run to base and score instead of helping the downed catcher, who clearly needed emergency medical attention. The Raiders celebrated their win and totally ignored the catcher who was lying unconscious on the ground.In the antique store, Elizabeth picked up a glass teacup that she liked. The storeowner, Mrs. Ethel Dinges, said that had belonged to her sister and it was the only thing Ethel had to remember her sister by after she died in an explosion. Elizabeth found a rocking chair she liked and sat in it, and Ethel told Elizabeth that had been her husband’s chair and nobody sat in it since her husband died of a heart attack. After the ball game was over, the paramedics showed up at last in a large station wagon with a red cross on the side and hauled away the still unconscious catcher in their station wagon ambulance. Three men hung back and discussed how they couldn’t be in the fishing derby because the rules required four men in a boat and they were one short. They recruited Andy to be on their team in place of the injured/dead catcher. Andy sat on the edge of the boat on the lake and fell into the water when they took they took off. They circled back around to pick Andy up. Elizabeth told Ethel that they moved to Redbud from New York, and she said Redbud, Vermont was lovely but then corrected herself that it was an awful place to live with everything going wrong and bugs, snakes, and dead bodies. Ethel comforted Elizabeth and told her to sit down and she would make them both iced tea. When Elizabeth turned her head, she saw a stuffed dead squirrel at eye level and screamed. Ethel ran back into the room wondering what was wrong, and after she made sure Elizabeth knew the squirrel wouldn’t hurt her because it was stuffed, she walked away again. As the four men shared the small boat to fish on the lake, one man used Jesus’ name in vain as he cast his line and caught Brock in the neck with his fishhook. Brock screamed in pain, and the other men said not to rip the hook out because they would rip Brock’s veins out and he would bleed to death. Brock wouldn’t let them touch the hook, and Andy said they needed to knock him out to get the hook. He punched Brock continuously in the face, and the other Vermonters said they only hooked Brock in the neck, not try to kill him like the New Yorker Andy was by pummeling the already hurt Brock with his fists. Somebody then got a fish and went to get it ignoring Brock. Andy picked up the boat paddle and was going to whack Brock in the head with it, but he ended up knocking the other two guys out of the boat with it instead. The hook actually fell out of Brock’s neck by itself when he sat up, and the two wet men went after Andy once they got back into the boat. Andy jumped into the lake and swam to shore to get away from them. After shopping and tea, Elizabeth showed up at the picnic to find Andy, and Sheriff Ledbetter drove up in a student car from the Coonfield’s Driving School. Ledbetter called Elizabeth’s name before he drove right into the lake because he wasn’t smart enough to use the brakes. The driving instructor in the seat next to him told Ledbetter they would try again the following day. Smiling Ledbetter got out of the water and walked up to Elizabeth to hand her the bill for Claude Musselman’s funeral. The bill was $4,000, and the sheriff called that a bargain, considering he made sure that Claude got the most scenic plot in Memorial Cemetery. Elizabeth told Sheriff Ledbetter that she wasn’t responsible for those costs. Andy swam up and got out of the water nearby, not stopping to talk to Elizabeth or the sheriff but just getting in the passengers’ seat of the car to wait for Elizabeth to drive him home. Elizabeth walked away to join her Andy, telling Sheriff Ledbetter that she would discuss the bill another time with him. Sheriff Ledbetter replied to remember that when they bought a house, anything on the property or in the ground belonged to the new homeowner, whether it was gold, oil, or Claude Musselman. The sheriff had a good laugh at his own words and walked away. As the Farmers drove back to the house, Elizabeth handed Andy the funeral bill. He read the itemized bill and was irate, so he ripped up the paper and threw it out alongside the road because he was a litterbug and didn’t care about keeping our One Nation Under GOD USA clean. As they drove, they saw a sign for “Dogs For Sale. All Breeds A.K.C.,” so Andy said that if he couldn’t make a friend, he was going to buy one. They stopped at the property to pick out a dog. They took home an adult male Irish Setter, and when they let him out of the car he immediately ran into the pond and started chasing the ducks. After that, the dog ran and ran and didn’t stop, so Andy went to go find him. As he jumped into the car, Elizabeth yelled after him that maybe the Homeowner’s Association would cover the lost dog. Andy later returned home without the dog, which disappeared altogether. Elizabeth, who had just showered and was sitting out on the back porch writing on a notepad, told Andy that the phone company installed the kitchen phone when they were gone for the day. Andy went inside to see it and Elizabeth admitted that she hadn’t tried it out yet because she didn’t have any change for the payphone, and they both laughed at the absurdity of the Vermont hicks. Elizabeth returned to the antique store and purchased the stuffed squirrel, and as Andy was writing his book on his typewriter, Elizabeth was jotting down notes on a yellow notepad of her own. As the days went by, the Irish dog suddenly returned in the distance barking. Andy whistled for him as he gathered wood, but the dog kept running. Andy and Elizabeth failed miserably at parenting their four-legged child and let him fend for himself after the first few hours in their care. As Crum went flying by down the road in his old Waltons-type truck, Andy made it to the road and held up a “Please Stop,” cardboard sign, but Crum laughed it off and sped on by, throwing the US mail on the ground as he always did. Andy picked up the mail and found a delinquency notice from the Redbud, Vermont Memorial Cemetery addressed to Mr. Andrew Farmer at RFD #1 with no zip code. Andy tore it up into pieces on the spot instead of opening it.Elizabeth and Andy got settled in their house using their new payphone. One time Andy got dressed up in a black suit and Elizabeth in a black dress to celebrate their anniversary by going out on the town. Elizabeth gave Andy a new dog as a gift. It was an older yellow lab (which they named Yellow Dog) that was guaranteed not to run away. Elizabeth and Andy ate at a local restaurant, where Andy had three helpings of lamb fries and told everyone to call him Mr. Lamb Fries. Another local Vermonter sat next to him and said Andy was a man who knew when he had something good in his mouth (testicles). Andy tried to set the record to eat the most lamb fries, because the record was 28 that someone ate and that had stood for two years. Elizabeth encouraged Andy to break the record. Andy stopped at 30 lamb fries and had thirty-one in his mouth when the waitress said that most folks didn’t like to eat testicles anymore. The customer said they were sheep balls that Andy was eating, but before the waitress could finish telling him how the trick was to clip the balls off up high, Andy spit out his mouthful and ran out the door. Elizabeth dropped cash on the counter and ran out behind Andy. The other customer told the waitress to explain those things better on the menu so people knew what they were eating. Andy brought Elizabeth to stay at Sid’s Hideaway Bungalows (who rented out by the week or the month) for their anniversary night as part of her present. Inside the room, he handed her a wrapped gift, which contained the manuscript of the first few chapters of his novel, The Big Heist. He put Elizabeth in the chair to read it now on their anniversary night and tell him if she liked it. Andy was wondering why she wasn’t laughing after she read the first page because he claimed there were at least three big laughs he wrote there, for instance a man’s name. Elizabeth thought it was going to be an action-adventure story, and Andy replied that it was all three, including comedy. He put wood and paper in the fireplace and told Elizabeth to stay there and read while he headed to the liquor store to get some champagne since Elizabeth couldn’t read with him in the room. Later on, as Elizabeth finished reading the manuscript, Andy told her not to tell him what she thought until he broke open the champagne to celebrate. Elizabeth downed her glass in one gulp because she needed to tell him the truth. She then started crying and realized that their move to the country was the worst mistake they ever made after she read his attempt at writing for a publication. Andy asked her about the story, which was four poker buddies knocking over a casino in the perfect crime. Elizabeth told Andy to burn the manuscript, and he got onto her about her not knowing a thing about writing because she was a gosh-darned schoolteacher and not an editor. Elizabeth told him her opinion that an editor would have stopped reading after the first paragraph and wouldn’t even be able to read the whole story. Andy threw the manuscript into the fire and then took it back out and stomped the flames out with his foot he was mad that his reaction to Elizabeth’s assessment made him put it in the fire in the first place. The next morning, the juvenile VT delinquent boys from earlier were at it again. They sawed off and stole a sign with an arrow that showed the dangerous curve ahead. Elizabeth and Andy were on their way home from the bungalow. He apologized to her, and at that moment they started kissing. Andy’s eyes were off the road, so they came to the dangerous curve and their convertible went flying off the embankment as a result. The boys heard (possibly witnessed) the crash and debated whether or not to put the sign back, but the one said no way because it had no bullet holes and was a good sign for them to use for their own purpose, whatever that was. On the back porch sat Andy in a rocking chair with his left arm in a cast. He spotted Crum honking and driving like a madman down the narrow dirt road. He ran after Crum, and Elizabeth, with no visible injuries, followed him. Crum laughed again as he threw the mail out onto the ground. Andy went back inside and Elizabeth picked up an envelope. She screamed because her manuscript for the book she had been secretly writing and sent away was going to be published. Inside, Andy used the fireplace tool to pick up Yellow Dog’s sizzling tail because he had been resting too close to the fire. Andy moved it back a few inches and then stomped on the end of the old dog’s singed tail. Yellow Dog didn’t move at all during that whole process.Elizabeth brought Andy coffee because he didn’t want any apple pie. Elizabeth told him she had good news in the form of a check for $5,000 that she got from the publishing company in exchange for her manuscript. Elizabeth said that she wrote the book when she had free time in longhand on legal pads and then Fed-Exed it to a publisher address she found in one of Andy’s magazines. In the mail she got that day was a contract, a check, and a typed manuscript of her book, and the publisher wanted more. Andy was still in shock that his wife wrote a book and sold it instead of him. Elizabeth explained that it was a children’s book about a squirrel from Central Park who fell asleep in the back of a delivery truck and woke up in the country. Andy realized that the squirrel was him because it was a fish-out-of-water story and he made all kinds of mistakes when he moved to the country from the city. Elizabeth denied it, but when he asked what the squirrel’s name was she admitted that it was Andy. Her husband Andy wanted to read the book because she said he was her inspiration, but she told him he could read it later and that she wanted to use his typewriter that night so she could write down thoughts and ideas she had for her second book. In the writing room, Elizabeth brought in the stuffed squirrel from the antique shop that was her second inspiration. She explained to Andy that she had other characters in her book based upon the townspeople. For example, Sheriff Ledbetter was the inspiration for a hedgehog character, and then there were two crazy raccoons that reminded Elizabeth of the Criterion brothers. Andy wanted to know what adventures were in store for Andy the squirrel (who was the main character in the first book) in the second book. Elizabeth replied there would be no more adventures for Andy because he was a dead squirrel at the end of the first book when he got run over by a truck (no doubt, the mail truck). She continued to use Andy’s typewriter throughout the weeks to write her stories. Andy no longer had his arm in a cast now and was able to replace the cast with a bottle of hard alcohol as he sat in his rocking chair listening to the sound of Elizabeth typing away. He put the bottle up and got in bed as soon as he heard Elizabeth’s typing stop. Someone got into the bed next to him, but when Andy turned over to tell Elizabeth it was very late, he saw that Yellow Dog was laying in her place and the typewriter started up again. Later that night, during a thunderstorm with Yellow Dog watching silently from the porch, Andy paid the Criterion brothers to put Claude’s coffin back in the garden where it came from so Elizabeth and Andy wouldn’t have to pay the funeral bill. Dirk and Lon drove off calling Andy boss and saying they would see him tomorrow. Yellow Dog then got up and started digging at the ground where they had covered the casket with dirt. The next day, Elizabeth came into the bedroom with the laundry basket and told Andy that it was one o’clock in the afternoon and he was still sleeping off his drunken state. She gave him a lecture about him wasting his life away and informed him that she was going into town to get supplies and visit Ethel. As soon as she stomped out the door, slamming it behind her, Andy opened his eyes and was already dressed in his camouflage pants. He used shoe polish to paint a portion of his face to look like a combat soldier and blend in with his surroundings with tree branches on his hat. He tried to move a very big rock, but he lost his hold on it and it started rolling fast down the road toward an oncoming car that was honking like the mailman. The car pulled over to the side of the road and the rock missed the vehicle without hitting it and rolled to a stop. The driver got out and explained with a British accent that he was Michael Sinclair from New York and had been trying to contact Andy for a while now in Vermont. Andy told him to be quiet because he was trying to listen for the mailman, and then he asked Michael to help him move the big rock so he could stop the mailman with it. Michael was elderly and couldn’t hold onto the rock for long, so he fell to the ground. Andy told him to push it out in front of the mail truck as it came up the road, but Michael didn’t have the strength to so Andy pushed the rock over Michael’s body on the ground but the rock still missed the mail truck. Crum laughed and sped off, and the rock crashed into Michael’s car. Michael put on his broken glasses and saw his damaged vehicle. He told Andy that he was from Andy’s publisher, Hufnagel and Brown, and that Andy’s deadline for his book was three weeks ago and he was late on the manuscript. Andy tried to say that nothing out of the ordinary was happening there, even though it looked crazy. Michael wasn’t buying that story and told Andy that he just bought that car and that the publishers would forget about the deadline and they could call it even if Andy returned the advance payment they already paid him for the manuscript they never received.However, Andy didn’t want to return the money and announced that he was hard at work on the story. He ran back to the house and tried to fix the burned old pages of his manuscript, but that didn’t work out so well so he decided to steal Elizabeth’s squirrel manuscript. He gave it to Michael, who was sitting in his badly damaged car with New York license plates. Michael told Andy he would be hearing from them. Later on, Yellow Dog was still digging around in the garden. The phone rang. Elizabeth answered it and Michael was on the other end. She told Michael that her husband was still sleeping and couldn’t come to the phone, so he asked her to pass on the message to Andy that Michael apologized for his visit because for fifteen years, he had been dealing with various writers and knew all about their eccentricities. He added that Andy was very talented and mentioned that the manuscript was a children’s book. Elizabeth found out that Andy gave his publishing company her manuscript about squirrels. She hung up on Michael, stormed upstairs, and packed a bag. Andy was still in bed and asked her what was wrong, and she announced that she was leaving and wanted a divorce. She took the truck outside and said she was moving in with Mrs. Dinges. She threw the ducks out the window of the truck, and Andy ran upstairs, grabbed the stuffed squirrel, and threw it at Elizabeth as she drove away. Another day, with a photo of Abraham Lincoln on the wall in the law office of Marion Corey, Jr., the Farmer vs. Farmer divorce proceedings were beginning. Neither Elizabeth nor Andy wanted the house, and the attorneys, Marion Corey, Jr. and Gus Lotterhand (who was wearing a neck brace) told the Farmers they needed to go to court over the case because they were merely attorneys and weren’t judges, therefore they couldn’t just dissolve the marriage without a hearing. Since Marion was representing Gus the next month when the only judge was coming to town, it wouldn’t be possible to handle the divorce at that time and according to the attorneys it wasn’t a conflict of interest. They looked to February for the hearing. At a town council meeting, Andy addressed Mayor Barclay, the council, and the citizens of Redbud. He explained that his and Elizabeth’s hopes and dreams were shattered after moving to small town minded Vermont and it didn’t work out for them, so they came to the meeting to get the help from the people to sell their house. The townsfolk got up to leave, but stopped and turned back around when Andy said there was money in it for them if they helped. Elizabeth then took the stage and said that Norman Rockwell knew what small-town people were like and could capture them in his drawings on the covers of magazines. Elizabeth wanted everyone to dress and act like those small-town people Norman drew, and she and Ethel passed out the magazines (which were on loan from the antique store) to the crowd and told them to study them and take them home if they needed to. Andy added that within twenty-four hours of the close of escrow on their property, they would present to the town of Redbud a check in the amount of $15,000, plus a bonus of $50 each to the individuals who performed a specific act of traditional small-town behavior in the presence of the prospective buyers. Mayor Barclay shook hands with Andy on it approving and accepting the bribe and acting job around strangers visiting the area, and the magazine with the Merry Christmas/Santa cover was left on the mayor’s table. Elizabeth and Andy moved back into the house together, and at Christmastime they wanted to make the property look as appealing as possible to Bud and Betsy Culbertson, possible buyers. When the couple showed up outside the house, Elizabeth and Andy paid someone to release a deer to run in front of the couple, which added a nostalgic touch to the property. The Culbertsons came to the door were invited inside to discuss matters. Betsy said it had been their dream to move to the country because Bud was going to write a novel, and Andy choked on his drink at that. Betsy asked why the Farmers were moving away, and Elizabeth lied that Andy was in a high government position and they were being transferred. Andy then heard the mailman honking in the distance. This time, mailman Crum actually stopped his truck outside the house and knocked on the door. Andy answered the door and Crum (believe it or not after all this time) nicely handed him his mail. When Crum was introduced to Bud and Betsy, he told them they wouldn’t regret buying the house, but the USPS worker would be really sorry to see the Vermont “Farmers” go. He then laughed his crazy hysterical laugh. Bud and Betsy went to a Christmas festival in town with Elizabeth and Andy. There was a Nativity scene and Santa. Sheriff Ledbetter, who could now apparently drive, showed up in his own police car. He told Bud that he did all this stuff to patrol the town daily. Andy watched the sheriff car, with the door open, keeping driving down the street with nobody in it because the sheriff didn’t put the car in park. Andy and Elizabeth whisked Bud and Betsy away to Ivy’s Cafe before the sheriff’s car knocked over the town Christmas tree. Everybody in the café wished the foursome a Merry Christmas, and when they got done eating they returned to the Farmer house and were sung Christmas carols by the townspeople (all of which was going to cost Elizabeth and Andy a fortune because they were paying each person $50 to participate in the charade and dupe the couple into buying the house). The Farmers invited everybody inside for hot cocoa and eggnog, and they all sang more carols (such as Joy to the World). However, Yellow Dog was finally able to dig up the garden and walked into the room with a human skeleton hand and arm in his mouth. As Andy said a special toast to Redbud and lying that it held a special place in his and Elizabeth’s hearts, Elizabeth noticed Yellow Dog. She sneaked out of the room after him before anyone could see. She got the bone away from the dog and threw it carelessly into the trash. As the townspeople exited the house, they gave Andy their names so they could get their money later on. Brock tried to choke Andy, but the other fishermen pulled him off. Bud and Betsy announced that they were going to stay the night at Sid’s Hideaway Bungalows, but Andy quickly jumped in and invited them to stay in the guest room at their house for the night because Bud said they might come back in the morning to make an offer on the house. Elizabeth and Andy had been sleeping in separate rooms, but now that Bud and Betsy had the guest room the Farmers had to share their old bedroom again. Elizabeth took the bed while Andy slept on the floor. The next morning, Bud and Betsy made an offer that was higher than what Elizabeth and Andy were asking for the house. Bud explained it was because he and Betsy wanted the house and everything in it, including Yellow Dog. Andy then told Elizabeth that he didn’t want to move because he liked it there, and Elizabeth agreed that she didn’t want to move either. Neither of them wanted a divorce anymore, and they started kissing passionately as Bud was trying to figure out what was going on. Elizabeth told Bud that she and Andy were staying, and that if he wanted to sue them then the Farmers could be contacted through the law offices of Marion Corey, Jr. Bud and Betsy stormed out the door and barged through the crowd of carolers singing Jingle Bells out front. They screamed at the town carolers to shut up as they drove off in their Jeep Wagoneer. After they left, Elizabeth and Andy came outside and called everybody to gather around. Bought off Mayor Barclay, with Sheriff Ledbetter standing beside him, apologized that they let those two buyers get away and they would do better next time. Andy replied that he had good news and they were deciding to stay. The townspeople demanded to have their money, but Andy said that circumstances changed and that maybe in the joy of the Christmas season they would find it in their hearts not to hold Andy accountable to paying them anything. Somebody threw a snowball at Andy’s face, and he and Elizabeth ran inside (even letting the ducks into the house to save them from a likely cooking pot) while the angry mob of townspeople continued the snowball attack against the Farmers.Later on, Andy found a job writing for the weekly sports column at the local newspaper Redbud Gazette, and Elizabeth wrote two more books. Mayor Barclay ruled that Elizabeth and Andy were not liable for the $15,000 they promised the town since they never sold the house, but the Farmers decided to make good on the $50 bonuses to bribe the townspeople, which got them in good favor with all the citizens of Redbud. Elizabeth and Andy now believed that moving to the country was the best decision they ever made as pregnant Elizabeth and her husband Andy were also working on increasing the small legal citizen population of Vermont. Pray that this child of GOD fairs better than the window glass and hot coffee that scarred the poor innocent bird for life in that questionable lawless New England state and for the ones responsible for raising up the baby boy or girl into a successful adult always with HIM first. Not to mention the half buried and hidden bones of the already dead and the not so accidental death of Claude Musselman that the whole town knew about but turned blind eyes to law and order (like Bernie killing Marjorie in Texas). Siskel & Ebert say this movie is “Chase’s best work,” while Joel Siegel from “Good Morning America”/ABC-TV said “A comedy with very large laughs. Chevy Chase does some of his best work.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/9/23

TITLE: Pirates of the Caribbean – Dead Man’s Chest 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006  Walt Disney Pictures/Buena Vista Pictures/Jerry Bruckheimer Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie takes place in Port Royal, Jamaica. It began with the British Lord Cutler Beckett, the head of the East India Trading Company, interrupting Elizabeth Swann (the daughter of Governor Weatherby Swann) and William Turner’s (a blacksmith) wedding. He presented the warrant for the arrests of Elizabeth, William, and Commodore James Norrington. They were charged with helping the notorious thieving pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow, escape from execution (because Jack had saved Elizabeth’s life in the previous film), and their punishment would be execution by hanging. Meanwhile, Jack escaped from a Turkish prison by hiding in a coffin that was thrown into the ocean. A black bird landed on top of the coffin, and Jack (from inside it) shot the bird dead with his gun, creating a hole in the coffin which he climbed out of and was pulled aboard his pirate ship, the Black Pearl, by his crew. He showed them a drawing of a key he had taken and announced they would find the key and whatever unlocked it. Lord Beckett called Will into his office and told him that the East India Trading Company needed Will to get Jack’s compass and convince him to return to Port Royal in exchange for the death charges against Will and Elizabeth to be dropped and Beckett to pardon Jack from execution once and for all. Meanwhile, Jack on the Black Pearl ship, went below deck and discovered deadman Bootstrap Bill Turner there. Bootstrap Bill Turner was Will’s dad and a former member of Jack’s crew, before Hector Barbossa’s mutiny. It was explained that because Bootstrap wouldn’t go along with the mutiny, Barbossa tied him to a cannon and dropped him into the ocean as punishment. Bootstrap then decided to enter into the service of Davy Jones, the captain of Flying Dutchman. Bootstrap reminded Jack that he also made a deal with Jones, which was when Jones raised the Black Pearl from the bottom of the ocean for Jack. By doing so, Jones owned Jack’s soul for thirteen years and allowed him to captain the Pearl. The black spot on Jack’s hand was a permanent reminder that the Kraken, a servant of Jones, would be hunting Jack for his unpaid debt. Jack returned to his crewmates and sent them into a frenzy to get the ship moving to the nearest island. Will asked around about Jack, and eventually he got a lead that led him to the Pearl, which had run aground on the island of the Pelegostos, a tribe of cannibals. Jack and the crew were nowhere in sight, and then Will was captured by the Pelegostos. He was brought to their Chief, who was Jack Sparrow in disguise. Jack ordered the cannibals to take Will away. The Pelegostos then brought Jack a big toe of a human foot to eat while Will was locked up in a cage with the rest of Jack’s crew. He learned from Jack’s first mate, Gibbs, that Jack was a captive also and was being forced by the Pelegostos to be their chief, so he was just playing along with them when he refused to help Will. The cannibals believed that Jack was a god in human form, and they planned to release him from his mortal state by roasting and eating him. Jack tried to make a run for it, but the Pelegostos captured him again and tied his body to a spit over a fire. Will and the crew were spotted breaking free from their cage, and while the Pelegostos went after them, Jack freed himself. The gang of pirates made it back to the ship with Jack just in time to escape the Pelegostos. Jack agreed that he would give Will the compass if Will helped Jack find the key. The crew went to visit the female voodoo mystic witch doctor fortune teller, Tia Dalma (aka Calpso goddess of the sea and ex lover of Davy Jones that she put a curse on after he betrayed and abandoned her.) They showed her the drawing of the key, and Tia announced that it unlocked the Dead Man’s Chest, which contained the heart of Davy Jones. Davy had a tragic love story with a deceitful woman (Tia), and so he carved out his heart and locked it in the pirate chest. Jack Sparrow realized he needed to get the chest so he could settle his debt with Jones, as Davy needed his heart to survive. Tia spotted the black spot on Jack’s hand and gave him a jar of dirt to protect him from Jones, who could only step on land every ten years. Witchy Tia told the crew to go to a rock formation where there was a ship, which turned out to be the Flying Dutchman. Jack made Will row the longboat from the Pearl to the Flying Dutchman to search the ship and get the key. The crew onboard the FD, led by Jones, were undead pirates who captured Will. Will told Jones that he was there to settle Jack’s debt, and Jones went to see Jack and they made a bargain. Jones said Jack’s soul was worth one hundred souls, and he decided to keep Will’s soul and give Jack three days to harvest 99 more souls for Jones. Will and the crew headed to Tortuga and tried to recruit a few men to join the crew. Elizabeth had decided to leave Port Royal to find Will. She arrived at Tortuga. As Jack was leaving the island, she told him she was looking for the love of her life, a man. Jack thought he/she Elizabeth was a stowaway cabin boy, but then he realized that it was Elizabeth dressed as a pirate man. Sparrow explained to Lizzy where Will was, and that they needed to get the Dead Man’s Chest because whoever possessed it possessed the leverage to command Jones to do whatever he or she wanted him to do, including saving Will.One of the new recruits included former Commodore Norrington, and he boarded the ship with them. Will then made a game bet with Jones that if Will lost, his soul would belong to Jones for an eternity of servitude, but if Will won, Jones would have to give him the key. Jones reluctantly agreed and presented the key. Will’s dad, Bootstrap Bill, was on the ship as a servant of Jones. He sat down on the table and matched Will’s wager. He lied about his results in the game because he didn’t want Will (his son) to lose, and Jones condemned Bootstrap to spend an eternity on the ship. Will then asked Bootstrap why he did that because Will only challenged Jones because he wanted to find out where he kept the key, which was around his neck hidden under his beard of octopus tentacles. Will stole the key while Jones was sleeping, and before he left the Flying Dutchman, he made a promise to Bootstrap (his pirate dad) that he would find a way to kill Jones and free his father Bootstrap from his servitude. Will boarded a ship to escape Jones, but Jones quickly caught up to them and summoned the Kraken, which destroyed the ship. Will managed to escape, while Jack’s compass brought him, Elizabeth, and the crew to Isla Cruces. They found the chest buried in the sand and dug it up. It turned out to be the real thing and they could actually hear Jones’s heart beating inside the pirate chest. Will then appeared and was about to unlock the chest with the key, but a swordfight broke out between Will, Jack, and Norrington, because they all wanted the chest for a different reason. Since Jones couldn’t set foot on land himself for many more years, he sent his crew to the island. While the three men battled each other for the key, Elizabeth and two other pirate members fought Jones’s pirates. Jack managed to grab the key and used it to unlock the chest. He took Jones’s beating heart out of it and ran back to the longboat, stashing the heart inside the jar of dirt. Everyone made it back to shore, and Norrington ran off with the chest to distract the pirates so the others could escape. The pirates took the chest from him and, thinking their mission was accomplished, returned to Jones. Jack, Elizabeth, and Will returned to the Black Pearl with the heart. However, the Flying Dutchman started firing cannons at them. The Kraken then attacked the Black Pearl, and Jack used a gun to shoot a net full of barrels of gunpowder. The Kraken disappeared into the water at the explosion, but since that only angered it and didn’t kill it, Jack announced that they needed to abandon the ship and head for land in the longboat. Elizabeth thanked Jack for helping them and Lizzy (girlfriend of Will) started kissing Jack Sparrow. She was helped down into the waiting longboat. Will had seen the kiss and was not happy about it. He asked Elizabeth where Jack was, and she replied that he was staying behind to fight the Kraken. Jack went down with his ship, the Black Pearl. Jones opened the chest to see his heart, but discovered it was gone because it turned out Norrington had gotten ahold of it and brought it to Lord Beckett, who had promised Norrington he would not be hung if he brought the heart to the corrupt British Lord. Will, Elizabeth, and the crew returned to see voo doo Tia. The pirate gang all agreed that they wanted Jack back. So, Tia with many tricks up her sleeve and people too then announced they would need a captain to navigate their ship to the shores at world’s end and bring back Jack and the Black Pearl, so she resurrected Captain Hector Barbossa to fight evil Lord Beckett and her crazy ex Davy Jones. This movie had a budget of $225 and it grossed over a $1 billion at the box office. Larry King said “Finally, a movie worth seeing over and over again!” 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/8/23

TITLE: Blades of Glory 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children. Made by a bunch of crazed sex addicts that had nothing GOoD to contribute to HIS people, especially underage.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 Dreamworks Pictures/MTV Films/Paramount Pictures/Red Hour Entertainment/Smart Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a four-year-old boy named Jimmy living at a Catholic orphanage in Denver, Colorado. He was already an accomplished figure skater at the age. Little Jimmy was then adopted by Darren MacElroy, a billionaire who had once bred champion racehorses but now focused on nurturing athletically advanced human orphans. Jimmy MacElroy grew up ice-skating and became a professional skater. In Stockholm, adult Jimmy (around 26 yo now) was shown doing the “performance of a lifetime” and was compared to women who didn’t have his flexibility and beauty. At the end of the performance, Jimmy released a white dove that had been inside his peacock outfit while he was skating. Jimmy’s rival, Charles “Chazz” Michael Michaels, went out on the ice in an urban cowboy outfit to skate to Billy Squier’s “The Stroke.” He grabbed his crotch and threw his hat to the judges, and then he started licking his hands and wiping them on his chest. The announcers called Chazz sex on ice, and added that it wasn’t enough for him to win; he wanted to make loveto the crowd. Chazz skated to the side of the rink and licked a female’s face to prove this. In the crowd, one woman took her shirt off to show only her bra, and someone else threw her bra towards the ice. The announcers revealed Chazz’s past and called him a sex tornado that grew up in Motown. Chazz admitted that he had a 35-year-old girlfriend when he was nine years old. At age twelve, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes and illegal fireworks by becoming a star in Detroit’s underground sewer skating scene. Chazz’s personal philosophy was “clothing optional.” Chazz and Jimmy then both discovered that they tied for first place. As Chazz and Jimmy both stood on the podium to receive their gold medal with the Star-Spangled Banner playing in the background, Jimmy pushed Chazz backwards onto the ice. This led to a fight on the ground between Chazz and Jimmy, and in the process they knocked over a flaming fountain prop and set someone on fire.Then, at the National Skating Federation, Chazz spotted Nancy Kerrigan and told her that he was a sex addict and that was his cross to bear. Jimmy stood up in front of the skating commission and those in the room watching and said that he prayed the commission and the children could forgive him for his behavior. He said “God bless” to everyone, and then the commission decided that Chazz and Jimmy would be stripped of their medals and banned from men’s figure skating for the rest of their lives. Darren later told Jimmy that he was “un-adopting,” him, and in legal terms disowning him after twenty-two years of Jimmy being his son. The limo they were riding in stopped and Jimmy was left on the side of the road. Three and a half years later, Chazz had a job at the children’s ice show, Grublets on Ice. When he wasn’t dressing up as an evil wizard to perform, he was backstage making out with the Woodland Fairy girls (other performers) and getting very drunk. Jimmy worked at a sporting goods store, and while he was in the storeroom, his gay-acting male friend, Hector, showed up. He obsessively complimented Jimmy on his looks and declared that he wanted to cut off Jimmy’s skin and wear it to his own birthday party. Hector cut to the chase and explained that he started working with a Ukrainian skater, the one who looked like Elvis. He moved to the Ukraine and said it was cold, and everybody had guns and smelled like soup. Hector showed Jimmy the rules and explained that he was banned from his division of men’s singles, but he could still compete in pairs skating (two people skating together). Chazz was shown performing again at Grublets. He skated out onto the ice drunk in front of all the children, and started throwing up inside his headpiece (resembling the head of a mascot costume). The producer fired Chazz. Jimmy then met with his coach, Robert, and told him that he could skate in the Wintersport Games again in the pairs division. Coach Robert wanted Jimmy to move on from figure skating and said that it was like a cruel bit** mother, who would seduce Jimmy with chocolates and roses and then kick him to the side of the road like a dead raccoon. Jimmy ignored Robert and went to Grublets on Ice in search of a female skater to compete with him at Nationals. Chazz ran into Jimmy there, and they started fighting and were sent to jail. Robert had seen the footage of the fight on the news, and Coach Robert went to the jail and told Chazz and Jimmy that they were potentially a skating pair. Jimmy convinced the two to go through with it because nothing was in the rulebook that said two men couldn’t skate together as a pair. Meanwhile, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, on Team USA, a sibling pair (brother and sister) of skaters, were not happy to learn that Chazz and Jimmy were entering their division. Fairchild asked Stranz why God was singling them out for the greatest suffering in the world, and then she added that she would like to hold Chazz and Jimmy down and skate over their throats. The conniving eldest siblings gaslighted their younger sister, Katie, to help them cheat by recording via videotape Chazz and Jimmy’s training sessions. Coach Robert assigned them Chazz and Jimmy to a bunk bed in his house.While they were getting ready for bed, Jimmy picked up Chazz’s bottle of Mane n’ Tail shampoo and asked if it was horse shampoo and if it really worked on Chazz’s hair. Chazz confirmed it and then showed Jimmy his Verticoli hairbrush that he used to brush his hair 100 times. He claimed that the brush was handmade in Italy and carved out of illegal whalebone, and it cost him $12,000 (30 million lira). He told Jimmy he could use the shampoo, but to keep his hands off the Verticoli because Chazz loved the brush more than he could ever love a human baby. The next day, the mens training began, and their ice rink was inside a cold storage unit. Chazz and Jimmy argued about who was going to be the girl in the pair. They started showing off. Chazz took off his shoes to skate, and then Jimmy took off his shirt and pants down to his underwear and slid across the ice on his belly. That left red marks on his leg, chest, and stomach from the ice burn. Coach Robert decided that Jimmy was the girl because he whined like one, and he put Chazz on a diet starting then because nobody could lift his fat self. Chazz later announced that the only song they would be skating to was “Lady Hump,” by the Black Eyed Peas, and he started singing it. Robert set the pair up for dance lessons with an instructor, Jesse, to help them with their skating. In the meantime, little sister Katie was spying on Chazz and Jimmy and bringing footage of them back to her older siblings. During one practice session, Chazz and Jimmy were supposed to be doing some kind of skating move, but they used it instead to start giving each other the middle finger. Several men were interviewed on their opinions of the male-male pair (the first in figure skating history). One man said that figure skating was already gay enough, and another held up a Bible and said there was nothing in there about two men skating together. The last leg of the Nationals was held right there in Denver before the World Wintersport Games finale took place. Chazz and Jimmy did their routine (with Crest Whitestrips as the sponsor) to Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” The crowd went wild for their performance, and afterwards Chazz shouted that they loved Denver, city by the bay and John Denver. Their performance was good enough to send them on their way to Montreal, Canada. One morning, as Jimmy ate in the kitchen, Chazz walked in wearing only a towel around his waist and showing the tattoos on his back. He explained that each of the tattoos represented the women he had relationships with. Jimmy then revealed that he had a crush on Katie Van Waldenburg, and Chazz picked up the phone and dialed the Van Waldenburg number so Jimmy could talk to Katie. Stranz and Fairchild were the sexual interpreters for Katie, and Chazz was the interpreter for Jimmy telling them what to say in a sexual way to each other. Jimmy left the room to get away from Chazz and ask Katie out for a snow cone later that night, and she agreed. During training, Coach Robert told Chazz and Jimmy that they barely made it through Nationals. Coach Robert then showed the two male figure skaters a videotape of a skating move he invented when he coached pairs and was on track to head up the Olympic squad. However, the establishment didn’t like the idea, so Robert took it to North Korea, where they called the move “The Iron Lotus.” In the video, a male and female pair demonstrated the Iron Lotus. The female ended up being beheaded by the blades on the male’s skates, and with blood on the ice he went to pick up her detached head. Jimmy and Chazz didn’t want to try that move, but Robert said he figured out that the psychics were wrong and a man and a woman couldn’t successfully perform the move, but a man and a man could. He started training them to do the Iron Lotus. While they were practicing, Jimmy’s skates cut open Chazz’s pant leg. He overreacted for any kind of attention by saying that Jimmy injured his male parts, but then he admitted they were actually okay. Katie and Jimmy went out for snow cones, and Katie revealed that her siblings put her up to spying on Jimmy and Chazz. They sat down and talked about their families. Katie said that she didn’t have a tenth birthday because her older sister told all of Katie’s friends that she was in jail for armed robbery. Jimmy replied that when he was nine, his dad had him circumcised to minimize wind resistance. Katie added that when her parents were driving her to skating practice one day, they died in a car accident. Her older siblings blamed her for their parents’ death and forced her to work for them like a slave. Jimmy and Katie then kissed each other. Chazz practiced using a mannequin as his partner to perform the Iron Lotus, but he kept cutting off the mannequin’s head with his skate blades. Stranz and Fairchild then ganged up on their little sister Katie and told her that she didn’t need to fall in love with Chazz, she just needed to have sex with him to mess his head up for the competition so the sibling duo could win. When Katie started to walk away because she knew it was wrong, the elder sister and brother threatened to move onto Plan B, which was to injure Katie’s new boyfriend Jimmy’s leg or ankle (Nancy and Tonya squad). Katie didn’t want that to happen, so she agreed to go with Plan A. Next, Chazz went to his sex addicts’ meeting. Katie walked in (cause her siblings knew where their victim went) and sat down on the class, announcing that she too was a sex addict (she really wasn’t but her siblings put her up to seducing Chazz). This addiction class was supposed to help the attendees overcome their addiction problem, but after the class everybody was out front involved in something sex related to the point the class instructor told them all to break it up and leave the property as he left in his car. Before she went home, Katie made an appointment at 11:55 pm that night for Chazz to come over to her room (she knew Jimmy would be there around midnight). As addict Chazz walked to Katie’s place, he read aloud “A Sex Addict’s Prayer,” card from his class. The prayer was “God grant me the serenity to not have sex with my friend’s girlfriend, the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend’s girlfriend, and the wisdom to walk away from my friend’s smokin’ hot girlfriend. Amen.” Katie opened the door in her negligee with stockings and invited him inside. Chazz said something about sex addiction being a disease and tried to control himself, but he grabbed both of Katie’s breasts with his hands and made a joke out of it, using God’s name in vain while doing so. Jimmy walked in and called Chazz a sex demon as his hands were still on Jimmy’s girlfriend. Katie and Chazz both said they didn’t do anything, and Jimmy ran out of the building. Chazz left a series of phone messages (each with a different emotion (anger, irritation, irrationality, abuse, etc.) for Jimmy because he wouldn’t pick up his phone. In the morning, when Stranz and Fairchild learned that Katie did not have sex with Chazz and Katie was going to explain what really happened to Jimmy, they decided it was up to them to take Chazz and Jimmy out of play, no matter what. At the competition, the Chinese and Russian pairs were knocked out of the running, and only the two American pairs, Stranz/Fairchild and Chazz/Jimmy, were left. Coach Robert called Chazz and told him that Jimmy was already at the rink (past few hours). Chazz jumped in a taxicab to get there, but the driver was Stranz and he turned around and knocked Chazz out. Stranz abducted Chazz in his cab and tied him up inside a storage room. Fairchild abducted Jimmy and handcuffed him to the railing inside a bathroom stall. Jimmy then learned from Fairchild that Katie didn’t sleep with Chazz, and Fairchild tossed the handcuff key into the trashcan as the older sis left to join her brother in the sibling competition. Chazz got free and headed for the ice rink with Stranz chasing after him. In the process, Stranz shot the mascot “Snowflake,” with the arrow from a crossbow. Jimmy spotted a young boy in the bathroom and tried to get his help, but the boy said “stranger danger,” and ran out, knocking over the trashcan on his way. The key landed on the floor on a section of unrolled toilet paper, and Jimmy used his mouth to pull the toilet paper towards him and grab the key in his teeth to unlock the handcuffs. In Montreal, Stranz and Fairchild did their routine dressed up as JFK and Marilyn Monroe. The dramatic performance included Fairchild (Marilyn) downing pills from a prescription bottle and spilling them onto the ice as she did so. Then Stranz (JFK) came up behind her and did the Heimlich maneuver on her in a brother-sister performance that was extremely disturbing to say the least. Jimmy went out onto the ice, and Chazz made it to the Canadian rink just in time for their performance to a song, “Mr. Roboto.” On the sidelines, unstable Stranz was having an emotional meltdown and going berserk because he was afraid Chazz and Jimmy would win and he would lose all their sponsorships and endorsements and have to get a real job. However, crime ridden big sister Fairchild wasn’t going to lose so she took matters into her own hands and broke her Marilyn pearl necklace apart. She dropped the pearls onto the ice, causing Chazz to slip on them and shatter his ankle. Chazz and Jimmy decided that they would switch places to do the Iron Lotus. Coach Robert then screamed at them from the sidelines not do it because he was wrong and it was suicide, but the two males went ahead and succeeded in performing their act of the Iron Lotus together. The crowd went wild at the historic event in Montreal. Later on, Chazz said he thought he saw the Virgin Mary, and then he was helped to the paramedics. The female told Chazz she was going to have to cut his pants off to get to his ankle, and he told her to start at the crotch because that was a better access point. Katie and Jimmy approached each other in the crowd and kissed. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police (the Mounties) then appeared and arrested Stranz for desecrating Canada’s national icon Snowflake, and arrested Fairchild for breaking Chazz’s ankle. Chazz was recorded by the news afterwards. Chazz broke down in tears and said that he never had a father, but he didn’t care because now he had his brother, Jimmy, and his brother’s girlfriend, Katie, who was not a whore. Chazz didn’t want to go to the hospital and instead wanted to get his gold medal with Jimmy. The sibling duo Van Waldenberg got double silver, one was a medal for their staged ice performance, and the other metal handcuffs for their crimes. Chazz then ripped his costume sleeve and Chazz showed Jimmy his new tattoo of his brother Jimmy’s face that he did last week. It was right next to his Lone Wolf tattoo, so the Lone Wolf never had to be alone again. Chazz admitted that he was very drunk when he got it, and then he and Jimmy flew out of the stadium together into the sky (obviously fake too). This movie had had a budget of $61 million and it grossed over $145 million at the box office. Joe Morgenstern from The Wall Street Journal called this movie “Hilarious!” and Pete Hammond from Maxim declared, “Blades of Glory is pure hilarity, a gold medal comedy winner.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 3/7/23

TITLE: Eye of the Dolphin 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 Monterey Media/Moviebank/120 DB Films/MB Partners/Goldmill Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie started with a fourteen-year-old girl named Alyssa (wearing heavy eye makeup) dropped off at school by her grandmother, Lucy. It was clear that Alyssa was a lost soul as she hid out in the bathroom to smoke marijuana and used that addiction to cure whatever ailed her. Her gal pals were also in the school bathroom (their wardrobe and style no better than hers) and told Alyssa she would be late for class if she didn’t put her joint out, and also that she would be expelled if she got caught again. Alyssa didn’t listen to them, and when they left a school security officer opened the stall door and Alyssa was caught and laughed about it. In Principal McGown’s office, Lucy pleaded to him again, telling him that Alyssa had been through a lot because her mom died less than a year ago and she had never met her dad. Principal McGowan said that was a good excuse the first few times, but now it was just a waste of time for everybody and the school no longer wanted to deal with Alyssa’s behavior. Since the principal wanted nothing more to do with Alyssa, he gave Lucy a packet to get them through until Alyssa’s expulsion hearing. Later that night, Lucy explained to Alyssa that her dad, James “Hawk” Harker, was not dead like her mom told her, and that he was currently studying dolphins in the Bahamas at a research facility. Alyssa’s parents had been young when they fell in love, and when the mom got pregnant with Alyssa she didn’t tell Hawk because she knew he wouldn’t want anything to do with having a child. Lucy thought that it was time Alyssa and Hawk met, and so she and Alyssa took a plane to the Bahamas. In the town of Smith’s Point, Hawk scared off a group of tourists who were swimming with and feeding wild dolphins. Coakley, a Town Committee official and majority partner in Hawk’s research center, told Hawk to focus on studying the two captive dolphins he had, but Hawk argued that he needed to study the wild dolphins as well to compare their communication skills with the captive ones. Coakley was unhappy that Hawk had come to the island saying that he would bring Smith’s Point media attention with his studies, but in three years he hadn’t accomplished what he came to do. Hawk asked for six more months, and Coakley negotiated twenty-four hours because the following day, the board would come and Hawk would have to make his case to them. Lucy and Alyssa arrived at Smith’s Point, where an evening fish fry was taking place. They met Hawk in his not so fine moment of being drunk. He couldn’t believe that he had a daughter and excused himself from the gathering. Lucy and Alyssa stayed the night at Hawk’s beach house. The next morning, Hawk woke up and heard a sound from outside, so he ran out onto the dock in his underwear to rescue Alyssa out of the cove. She explained that his captive dolphins, Bogie and Bacall, knocked her iPod into the water and she jumped in after them. Hawk went underwater and retrieved the iPod to give it back to Alyssa, but it was broken. He lost his underwear in the process, and Alyssa called him a naked moron as she walked away. Hawk and Lucy then spoke. Hawk said he hadn’t known about Alyssa and her mom had left him, not the other way around. Lucy informed him that Alyssa’s mom, an expert swimmer, died in a boating accident, and Alyssa had been there and seen her mom drown. Lucy explained the rest of the situation to Hawk, but he didn’t think he was the one to help Alyssa with her problems. Hawk’s girlfriend, Tamika “Tammy”, later invited Alyssa to hunt conch shells at Williams Point with her. It was then that Alyssa spotted a wild dolphin in the water. Hawk presented his dolphin studies to Coakley and the board, but Elizabeth Glinton doubted his findings. She didn’t share Hawk’s opinion that the dolphin’s form of communication was possibly more advanced than humans, and she instead believed that the dolphin’s brain was comparable to that of a hedgehog. Elizabeth explained that she was there as a consultant to turn Hawk’s research facility into a dolphin park to attract tourists. Hawk wasn’t pleased about this and stormed out of the building. Later on, an islander named Cornelia was preparing the mollusks that were inside the conches Tammy and Alyssa found. Alyssa tried the blobby food and was called a Conchy Joe by Cornelia. Tammy explained a Conchy Joe was a white person who had lived in the Bahamas a long time, like Hawk, but since Alyssa was a girl they would compromise and call her a Conchy Jane. Tammy brought Alyssa to her mother’s (Tammy) grave to put fresh flowers on it and explained that after her mom died, she was raised in England (which was why she had a British accent), but she returned to the Bahamas because she liked it best there. Alyssa went to see Hawk because she wanted to see his work, but he was short with her. She said that losing her mom was bad enough, but finding out her consolation prize was a dad like him was proof positive that God hated her. She stormed outside to Williams Point and sat down on the rocks to drink a bottle of vodka.The wild dolphin she saw earlier appeared, and Alyssa waded into the water holding the spirits bottle. However, the dolphin didn’t stick around for long. It was dark by the time Hawk and Tammy’s dad, Daniel “Danny”, made it to the beach in search of Alyssa. They found her passed out on the sand with the now empty vodka bottle next to her and they took her back to the house. The next day, Hawk apologized to Alyssa for the way he had treated her so far, and said that he had loved her mom and wanted to learn how to love Alyssa too. Danny later informed Hawk that Coakley called and wanted to speak to him, and if he didn’t meet with Coakley he was giving Hawk seventy-two hours to vacate the premises without Bogie and Bacall. Hawk agreed to let Alyssa come, but when she returned to her room she found Lucy packing up Alyssa’s things. Lucy explained that Alyssa hadn’t changed her behavior since they came there, so they were leaving to go back home. Alyssa convinced Lucy to go home by herself and wait a month to see if things worked out, and if they didn’t, Alyssa would come home to live with Lucy again. At the meeting, Elizabeth announced that the island could no longer afford Hawk’s “junk science.” Coakley chimed in that, effective immediately; Elizabeth would take charge of the facility. She suggested that Hawk resign. Outside, Alyssa told Hawk that the town had their own voice, and there needed to be a vote whether or not to let Hawk keep his research facility the way it was or to turn it into a dolphin park like Elizabeth and Coakley wanted. They went back inside the building, and Hawk demanded a vote. Coakley agreed and said that he would call a Town Committee meeting the following day and hold a vote. Alyssa later went out and waited for the wild dolphin to come to her. The dolphin did, and Alyssa named her Rasca and went swimming with her. Hawk then found Alyssa and shouted at her to get out of the water, scaring Rasca away. Back at the house, Hawk lectured Alyssa on interacting with the wild dolphin because now Rasca would feel an attachment to Alyssa and that would keep her from living with a pod of dolphins in the wild. He forbid Alyssa form having any more contact with Rasca. At the Town Committee meeting, Hawk told the townsfolk that human intelligence was not the only intelligence out there, and that dolphins were as smart as, if not smarter than, humans. An island tour guide, Decker, then interrupted and showed the crowd the cash he had got that day from the tourists who wanted to swim with the dolphins. He said that Elizabeth’s project would help the townspeople buy homes and live better lives, and whatever they lost in doing so was nothing compared to the money they would get from the dolphin park. The crowd applauded that, and the large majority voted “aye,” for the dolphin park. A police boat later showed up at the dock with Elizabeth and Coakley. Elizabeth presented to Hawk an Article of Transfer signed by a judge that assigned all assets of the partnership, including the dolphins, to the majority partner, which was Coakley, not Hawk (who was the minority partner). Alyssa ran off and called Rasca. She freed Bogie and Bacall into the ocean and told Hawk that they could survive in the wild with Rasca’s help and it was better for them to try then be taken away from Hawk and put in a circus. Alyssa was able to bring the three dolphins back to the dock when she blew her dolphin whistle. Alyssa later went up in front of the townspeople and advised that instead of creating a dolphin park, they expand the research facility they already had and let people come to study and interact with the dolphins. The town agreed with Alyssa’s idea and went through with her suggestion because Elizabetha and Coakley hadn’t gone through with the final court hearings to dissolve the business between Coakley and Hawk. Alyssa stayed at Smith’s Point with Hawk. 

DATE REVIEWED: 3/5/23

TITLE: The Hunger Games 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children. It promotes violence in minors.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2012  Lionsgate/A Color Force/Gary Ross Film

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with the words on the screen from the Treaty of the Treason: “In penance for their uprising, each district shall offer up a male and female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public ‘Reaping.’ These tributes shall be delivered to the custody of The Capitol. And then transferred to a public arena where they will Fight to the Death, until a lone victor remains. Henceforth and forevermore this pageant shall be known as The Hunger Games.” The film took place in the nation of Panem, and centered on District 12 area. Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen comforted her twelve year old younger sister, Primrose (Prim), after she had a nightmare about being chosen to participate in he deadly Hunger Games. Katniss assured Prim that it was her first year and she probably wouldn’t be picked. Katniss left the poverty-stricken coal-mining town where the residents of District 12 lived in the woods. Katniss crossed through a high voltage security fence to the other side. She found her bow and arrows that she hid in a tree to hunt. She cleverly used rocks in her bow against a tree trunk to scare a deer out of hiding into the open where she could down it with an arrow. However, Katniss’s male friend, Gale Hawthorne, then called out as Katniss was about to make the kill and his voice scared the deer off. Katniss admitted that she had planned to sell the deer to the Peacekeepers on Reaping Day.For play, Gale threw a rock, startled some birds out of the bushes, and Katniss downed one with an arrow, but they didn’t go get it and just laughed. Then a large flying object appeared overhead and they hid. Gale and Katniss later discussed that if everybody stopped watching The Games, then perhaps nobody would participate and people wouldn’t die as a result. Katniss replied that wasn’t ever going to happen. Gale wanted Katniss to leave that place with him, taking their families with them, but Katniss didn’t believe they would get far before the authorities caught them. Katniss said she was never having kids, but Gale said he might if he didn’t have to live there. They had a rare treat of a piece of bread and wished each other happy Hunger Games. Katniss asked Gale how many times his name had been in that day to compete in The Games, and he replied his name was in forty-two times, meaning the odds were not in his favor. Katniss went to the market, and an older woman gave her a Mockingjay (MJ bird) pin for free. Katniss had a mom, but bully Katniss decided herself to take over the role of the mom in taking care of Prim. Katniss took a bath and scrubbed the thick dirt off herself, and her mom had a dress laid out for her and helped her with her hair. Katniss gave Prim the Mockingjay pin to protect her so nothing bad happened to her. All the townspeople (majority white people in this District, with no other visible races, were being punished for treason) wore their best clothing and walked to a building. Katniss had to take Prim aside because she was upset and crying again right before they were about to sign in. Katniss reassured her younger sister, and then the authorities (soldiers dressed in white wearing motorcycle police helmets) pricked Prim’s finger for a blood sample and scanned it in along with all the other children (ages 12 to 18) to identify them at sign-in. Katniss then tried to locate Prim in the throng of hundreds people. Onstage, appeared District officials (dressed in nicer clothes than the townsfolk) and a eccentric female named Effie Trinket stepped up to the microphone. She wore a whitish-blonde wig with a hat and gaudy gown (both burgundy), a powdered face like the British, and heavy eye makeup and lipstick. She wished everybody a happy Hunger Games (with Capital Coal sponsor signs nearby) and hoped the odds were in their favor. A film all the way from The Capitolwas then featured on the big screen all. This explained that there had been a war. The thirteen districts rebelled against the country that fed them, loved them, and protected them. It was brother against brother until nothing remained, and then came peace when a people rose up from the ashes and a new era was born. However, freedom had a cost and the traitors were defeated. They swore as a nation they would never know that treason again, and it was decreed that each year the various districts of Panem would each offer up one young man and young woman to fight to the death in a pageant of honor, courage, and sacrifice. The victor, bathed in riches, would serve as a reminder of Panem’s generosity and forgiveness. That was how they remembered their past and safeguarded their future. The staged drama Effie then announced that they would be selecting the one female and one male for the honor of representing District 12 in the 74th Annual Hunger Games. Ladies were first, and so Effie went over to a fish bowl and withdrew a name on a piece of paper. Out came the name of Primrose Everdeen (Prim). Prim was horrified to say the least and didn’t want to come up on stage. Katniss didn’t want to see Prim go through all of that and probably die, so she volunteered as Tribute in Prim’s place. Katniss was brought up onstage as a volunteer, and she told Prim to go find their mom as the little girl screamed because she didn’t want her sister to die either. Everybody in the audience was silent, but they all held up three fingers like a Girl Scout salute to Katniss. The boy was then selected, and he was Peeta Mellark. Katniss and Peeta shook hands, and then Effie escorted them into the building with the doors closed behind them and the guards out front. Prim and her mom were given three minutes to see Katniss before she began The Games. Katniss told Prim not to take any extra food from the authorities because it wasn’t worth getting her name put in extra times for the next Hunger Games, and that Gale would bring her food. Prim gave Katniss encouragement to win because she knew her older sister could hunt. Prim then gave Katniss back the Mockingjay pin to protect her. Apparently, the mom had a hard time when the dad died, so Katniss decided to take control and spoke to her mom as if she herself was the mom and told her parent not to cry. Gale got his turn, and he and Katniss hugged it out. Gale told Katniss to get to a bow because that was her strength (and it was no different hunting people than it was animals), and to make a bow if she didn’t have one. Katniss told Gale that there were twenty-four minor children competing in The Games hunting other children, and only one of them came out alive. A black officer interrupted Katniss and Gale. She told Gale to make sure that he didn’t let the authorities starve the children and he needed to take care of them. Katniss and Peeta left for The Capitol with their chaperone Effie, who told them they were going to have great lodging. They were put on a train car with a first-class dining room filled with luxury food. Effie added that even though the kids were only there for a little while, they got to enjoy all of what they were being offered. She dismissed herself to find Haymitch Abernathy, who she thought was probably in the bar car. Peeta tried to talk to Katniss after Effie left and told her that Haymitch had won The Games once and was their mentor. However, Katniss wouldn’t speak to Peeta at first. Haymitch then made a drunk entrance and told them congratulations as he walked over to the alcohol to pour himself another drink. The advice that their supposed mentor gave the kids was to embrace the probability of their imminent deaths and to know that he could do nothing to save them. Haymitch wasn’t being a good mentor and Peeta wanted to have a sober talk with him, so Peeta tried to take his drink away but Haymitch pushed Peeta back into his chair using his dirty bare foot. Haymitch left the room and Peeta decided to go after him. Later, on TV in her room, Katniss watched a blue-haired newscaster, Caesar Flickerman, and his blonde-haired buddy, Claudius, discuss two sixteen-year-olds from a past Games. They broadcasted footage from it, which showed the black boy using a brick to kill an Asian boy and become the victor. Katniss left her room and saw Peeta talking intently to Haymitch, who was now eating breakfast with him and giving him valuable information to survive. Katniss wanted to know how to survive, but Haymitch decided to put alcohol in his coffee. She had no patience, so she took a knife and stabbed it into the wood near Haymitch’s hand. He told her the way to stay alive was to get people to like you, especially when you’re in the middle of “The Games,” and you’re starving or freezing, then some water, a knife, and matches could mean the difference between life and death. Those things only come from sponsors, and to get sponsors you have to make people like you. They caught sight of The Capitol city out the window and couldn’t believe how huge it was. Mobs of people at the Capitol (dressed in vibrant colors with multicolored ribbons adorning their hair) were gathered in the train station as they came to a stop. They acted as though Peeta and Katniss were celebrities, and Peeta liked the attention and waved back to them. Katniss just sat in her chair and didn’t want to participate. Haymitch gave her the knife because she would need it and told her that Peeta knew what he was doing. There were several transgender people dressed up on the streets outside The Capitol, and even dogs with their fur dyed pink. All the child contestants were put in hospital beds, where they were scrubbed, bathed, and groomed by questionable stylists.The male and female’s legs were waxed, and then Katniss was taken to a black man named Cinna, who told her that it was one of the bravest things he ever saw was to take her sister’s place in The Games. The adult male Cinna said he was going to take the young girl Katniss out and show her off to the world at the Tribute Parade later that night. He admitted that they usually dressed people in attire from their district, but since Katniss’s was the coalminer district, Cinna didn’t want to do that. He wanted to do something that was memorable, because it was all about trying to get sponsors and Katniss needed to stand out, which was why they took all that time to make her look pretty. Cinna looked intently into Katniss’s eyes and played with her hair, telling her that somebody as brave as her shouldn’t be dressed up in some stupid costume (Cinna’s goal was to gain Katniss’s trust, knowing in the long run he was just going to send her out anyway to get killed in a game for the entertainment of the community). Cinna reassured Katniss and Peeta that the suits they would wear during the parade would protect them from the fake fire. Caesar televised that 100,000 people were cramming to get a glimpse of the Tributes, and the cameras were focused on those people (and when I say people, that’s stretching it to the very limit because you can’t recognize a real person underneath all of that crazy makeup, screaming for attention clothes and ungodly fakeness). The Tributes paraded out before the crowd in horse-drawn chariots (such as in Roman times). The crowd went wild when Katniss and Peeta, holding hands, made their grand entrance with fire coming out of their chariot. The announcers ate it up, saying that two young people holding their hands up in the air to show how proud they were to be coming from District 12 was going to get people to pay attention to them. President Snow got up as the chariots lined up in the shape of a crown. He told the Tributes that they were welcomed, and he and the people saluted their courage and sacrifice to their country. The president wished them Happy Hunger Games, and may the odds be in their favor. After the parade, there was a moment where Haymitch spotted a male contestant, Cato, staring at Katniss, so Haymitch brought everyone upstairs to their penthouse suite away from the competition. At the next day’s training, the black female instructor pointed out the obvious that in two weeks, twenty-three of the children would be dead and only one would be alive. The survivor would be the one who paid the best attention over the next four days to what the instructor were telling them. One of the rules was no fighting the other Tributes because they would have plenty of time for that in the Arena. The advice given was to not ignore the survival skills in their training. The trainer said that everybody wanted to grab a sword, but most of the Tributes would die from natural causes, 10% from infection and 20% from dehydration because exposure could kill as easily as a knife. A fight broke out among the Tributes, where a knife went missing and the Asian girl who had stolen it was hiding up in the rafters. The soldiers who ran into the room to break up the fight didn’t know she was there, but the Tributes did. As Haymitch and Effie talked over dinner to Katniss and Peeta, they discussed their competition. Haymitch said that arrogance could be a huge problem and looked at Katniss. He asked her how good she was with her bow and arrow, and then Peeta chimed in and told Haymitch that his dad bought squirrels from her and she was excellent because she killed them in the eye every time. Katniss tattled on Peeta that he was strong and could throw a 100-pound sack of flour right over his head. Peeta was mad and announced that he had no chance of winning, and even his mother said that District 12 might have its first winner, but it wouldn’t be him. Katniss kept having flashback memories of herself and Peeta at the bakery shop his parents owned. Peeta fed the hogs and sometimes threw Katniss bread so her family wouldn’t starve as she slept under a tree in the rain. Both Katniss and Peeta left to go to their rooms. In training, as the kids practiced violently chopping off body parts of mannequins for their upcoming Games, they paid attention to their competition to find each other’s weaknesses and became experts at knives and swords. While Peeta was tackling the obstacle course, he fell hard on the floor. Katniss came over to him and told him to throw the heavy metal piece of equipment to reveal he had strength. He didn’t want to, but Katniss replied that the opponents were looking at him like they were about to eat him, so he better do it. Later on, Katniss came across Peeta painting his arm to look like tree bark to blend in and camouflage during the Games. She wanted to know how to do that, and Peeta explained that he got the skill from decorating cakes at the bakery. There was a little girl named Rue who was discovered shadowing Katniss like a little sister would. The following day, Haymitch said they were going to bring in the sponsors, so that was the day Katniss and Peeta needed to show their skills (bow for Katniss and strength for Peeta) for when the Tributes would be evaluated one by one. Because they were both District 12, they would go last and District 1 would go first. Haymitch advised Katniss and Peeta to do something to make sure the sponsors remembered them, and he couldn’t emphasize that enough. The next day, the female computer robot voice called Katniss. Peeta told her to shoot straight. As she walked into the room in front of the sponsors, Katniss picked up the bow and called out her name and district to get their attention. She aimed the bow at the body outline targets in front of her and missed the target, so the sponsors laughed. Katniss got another arrow and hit her target in the center of the cross in the heart, but nobody was watching and didn’t see her bullseye or respond to it after they saw her miss one time. She went over and looked at the sponsors, who were all mingling and sharing food and drinks around the cooked pig on the table, wondering where it came from. Katniss took a third arrow and shot the apple out of the pig’s mouth. She thanked the sponsors for their consideration as they all turned around because the arrow was a bit too close to home. Effie told Katniss that her bad actions she exhibited in front of the sponsors reflected everyone in her District, not just herself. Cinna tried to say everything was fine and Haymitch came into the room with a thumbs’ up and told Katniss nice shooting, sweetheart, and wanted to know what happened when she shot the apple. They laughed about her response in thanking the sponsors, and Katniss was called a genius. Effie was worried that the Gamekeepers were going to take Katniss’s actions out on them, but Haymitch told her to loosen her corset and have a drink because the kids might die anyway. On the news, Caesar told everyone that the Tributes were rated on a scale on 1 to 12 after three days of careful evaluation. The newscaster went through the different districts and their scores. Peeta got a score of eight, and Katniss got a score of eleven. They all toasted to Katniss Everdeen, The Girl on Fire. Seneca (with a devil like beard) met with President Snow. The President revealed that he wasn’t in favor of giving Katniss such a high score because she could have shot anybody in the room with that arrow. He asked Seneca why they had a winner, because they could just round up twenty-four kids from the districts and execute them all at once, which would be a lot faster. Hope was the reason they did the Hunger Games, because hope was the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope was effective, and a lot of hope was dangerous. A spark was fine as long, as it was contained. As President Snow clipped a white rose, he instructed Seneca to contain the hope. At dinner, Haymitch informed Katniss that the following morning, he would work with Katniss since it was the last day of training when the mentors were allowed to work with the Tributes. Peeta was in his room and didn’t join them at the table. Haymitch said it was because Peeta didn’t want to participate and wanted to train on his own from then on. Katniss couldn’t understand that, and Haymitch replied because there was only one winner, meaning that would probably be Katniss, not Peeta. Caesar was the master of ceremonies, and like American Idol, the crowd went wild because they were excited to meet all the Tributes on stage (however, unlike American Idol, the contestants won’t end up dead…hopefully). In the waiting area, Katniss was sitting alone with Cinna in her tight gown concerned about how she was going to get people to like her. Cinna said that he liked Katniss, so that counted for something and he would be there with her the whole time. The crowd cheered for The Girl on fire as Katniss came out on stage and used humor to win the crowd over. Casear asked about the flames from the chariot during the parade, and she replied that she was wearing them on her dress now. She twirled for the crowd to see the lower portion of her gown enflamed with fire. Caesar then held Katniss’s hand and got very personal, asking about her sister and how she volunteered to take her place. The question was posed what did Katniss last say to Prim during their goodbye, and Katniss replied to the audience that she was going to try to win for her sister. Caesar kissed Katniss’s hand and told her try she would (seemed the winner was already decided upon before the deadly games started and the news people were in on it). Backstage, Effie and Haymitch complimented Katniss on her interview. They heard Peeta go out on stage. He decided to use humor too, and Peeta asked Caesar to smell him and see if he smelled like roses. He did because the showers were different there than the ones back home, and then Peeta smelled Caesar up close and told him that he smelled better than himself.Caesar asked about any special girls in Peeta’s life, and Peeta replied that he had a crush on one girl for a long time, but she hadn’t recognized him until the Reaping. Caesar gave Peeta advice that if he went out there and won The Games, when he returned home that girl would have to recognize him. Peeta said winning wasn’t going to help him because the girl was Katniss and came there with them, and one of them was going to die. As soon as Peeta got backstage, Katniss attacked him because she didn’t know anything about the relationship that he used to exploit them both in front of the thousands watching in the audience. Haymitch broke them apart and told Katniss that he could sell the star-crossed lovers from District 12 because it was a TV show, and that because everybody loved romance, being in love with that teen boy just might get teen Katniss sponsors, which could save her life. Katniss couldn’t sleep and got out of bed. She walked into the living room to find Peeta there staring outside the window because he couldn’t sleep either. Katniss apologized for her behavior earlier, and they sat together and listened to the loud crowd having a preparty celebration. Peeta said he just didn’t want the games to change him and make him somebody he wasn’t for their sicko child killing sport of entertainment. He admitted that he could kill people, but he didn’t want anybody to think he was doing that because they owned him, and if he was going to die he wanted to still be himself. Katniss replied that she couldn’t think like that because she had her sister to consider (meaning she would kill everyone). They went their own ways until tomorrow. The next morning, in the elevator, Haymitch told Katniss not to go for the items in the Cornucopia because it was a bloodbath and a trap, even though her weapon of choice (a bow) might be there. Haymitch said she had to go to high ground and find water because water was her new best friend, and not to step off her pedestal early or they would blow her up in the air. Haymitch told Katniss that he believed in her and she could win, and then Katniss walked to the waiting spaceship/plane. Onboard the aircraft, the child competitors were required to give the adult female their arms so she could inject a tracker device into them under the surface of their skin. There was a headquarters building where the officials (like NASA) watched the trackers that had been implanted inside the children. The soldiers escorted each of the Tributes to their own room. Cinna was waiting for Katniss in her room and embraced her affectionately prior to the competition. He helped her into her coat and zipped it up for her. He let her keep her Mockingjay pin attached to her shirt underneath her coat and told Katniss by putting a finger to his lips to be quiet so nobody took it away from her. Cinna told Katniss that if he could bet, he would bet on her, but since he couldn’t he gave her a kiss on the cheek and wished her luck. Katniss then stepped into a space tube, where she was lifted aboveground into a designated wooded area with the other Tributes standing on their pedestals around the Cornucopia that Haymitch warned her about. As everybody counted down to let The Games begin, the children all stood on their pedestals not moving, scared about having to compete in the life-and-death competition at such a young age for the entertainment of crazy adults and government. During the countdown, Peeta looked over at Katniss and shook his head no because she was staring at the bow. At zero, Peeta ran for the woods while the majority of the other Tributes went to get supplies from the Cornucopia. Katniss didn’t run for the woods but witnessed other children being butchered on the spot with gory blood scenes when they weren’t fast enough to reach weapons. She decided to grab a backpack and was almost hit with a hatchet by a boy, but a knife-throwing girl downed the boy and threw a knife at Katniss. She used her backpack to block it, and as she went into the woods she ran into a girl. Neither of them hurt each other and instead separated and ran off in different directions. Katniss dodged another competitor in the woods and ended up tumbling down a steep mountainside instead of going to higher ground like Haymitch told her to. She recovered quickly and kept running. Katniss heard another boom of the cannon, and Caesar told the audience that meant the end to another Tribute, which was the eighth. Right afterwards, the cannon sounded four more times, indicating that twelve total children were dead so far. In her backpack, Katniss had a rope, an empty canteen, matches, a slinky, and a raincoat. She saw a blue and black swallowtail butterfly on the ground and picked it up on her finger, which gave her comfort for a moment before it flew away. Katniss discovered water nearby and filled her canteen. She made herself a wooden spit for a fire to cook a squirrel so she could eat. She quickly stomped out the fire because it wasn’t a wise idea to attract her competitors to her location. She climbed a tree and used the rope to strap herself to the branch so she could rest and not fall. Katniss then heard an odd noise and saw that there was a camera hidden in a hole in the tree right near where she was sitting. The officials managing The Games then made it nighttime where the kids were. The government seal appeared as a hologram in the sky above Katniss, showing the photos and names of the fallen (dead) children for everybody to see. Katniss knew that Peeta was still alive, and she tried to sleep but she saw a big campfire in the distance made by a young girl. Four Tributes had banded together and were out scouting as a team, led by Cato. They all killed the girl at the campfire, and Caesar announced that was thirteen children dead in the first eight hours. Caesar spoke to Claudius and told him that he thought he saw an alliance forming. Katniss saw the party of four walking under her tree and laughing, calling the girl stupid for building a fire and joking about how she begged for her life before they killed her. Peeta was part of their group and joined them then, telling them which way Katniss went because he found her snare. The blonde girl and Cato stayed behind for a moment and discussed whether or not to kill Peeta now, but Cato said no because he wanted to find Katniss and Peeta was their best chance of doing that. The next day, at the Game headquarters, Katniss’s tracker informed Seneca that Katniss was two kilometers away from the nearest Tribute and was almost at the edge. The officials had the power to turn her around and make her go in the direction they wanted her to. Katniss slept in another tree, and when she woke up she saw a raging forest fire approaching fast. She untied herself from the tree to escape the fire (which was obviously created by headquarters to keep the Tributes together and the Game of hunting children moving along), and fireballs were actually tossed out of nowhere (by headquarters with Seneca calling the shots) at Katniss so she would run in a specific direction. They added a fallen and flaming tree to block her path and make her turn. Embers singed her leg open, and another fireball came right for her head as she tried to rest. She dodged out of the way and rolled down the embankment. She continued running and made it to the water, which was the location headquarters wanted her to be at initially. The group of Five Tributes came around the corner and spotted Katniss in the water. She climbed out the other side and they ran after her laughing. Katniss climbed a tree, and Cato tried to climb up after her with the other yelling at him to kill Katniss. He fell hard to the ground and a girl tried to shoot Katniss out of the tree with her bow and arrow. However, she missed, so Cato grabbed the bow and started shooting at Katniss, missing as well. Katniss teased them and said maybe they should throw the sword. Peeta told them to wait Katniss out because she had to come down sometime and they would kill her then.They made a fire, and everybody enthralled in watching the questionable “The Hunger Games” on TV saw Katniss’s open leg wound as she sat in the tree. Haymitch saw and couldn’t believe she was still alive. He wined and dined the sponsors to get Katniss help in the form of an airmail delivery in her tree. She climbed up to get it, and inside was a note from “H” (Haymitch) telling her to apply the ointment generously and stay alive. Katniss looked at her leg in the morning, and it seemed to be better with the ointment. While the others were still asleep down on the ground, Katniss heard somebody getting her attention. A few trees down, the little girl Rue pointed to a beehive above and wanted Katniss to cut it down on top of the five other Tributes. Caesar told the audience that the beehive was actually full of tracker jacker wasps (not bees) that were genetically engineered with venom that caused searing pain, powerful hallucinations, and in extreme cases, death. Katniss was successful in cutting down the branch but got stung herself in the process. It fell into the Tributes’ campsite below, and they all woke up screaming and running with thousands of deadly wasps swarming around them. Katniss quickly climbed down and fell part of the way to the ground. When she got up, the wasps were mostly gone, but she herself was hallucinating because of the stings the wasps inflicted on her before she was able to cut their hive down. She ran into the woods and saw the blonde girl lying dead on the ground from the wasps. Katniss took her bow and arrows, and then she heard Peeta yelling at her to run. Katniss hesitated and then tried to run, but she was so out of it from the drug effect of the wasps that she couldn’t think straight and stumbled into trees. She blacked out and had a memory from her dad, a coalminer, dying in a mine cave-in. She talked to her mom afterwards, but her mom was in shock from the death of her husband. Katniss woke up with her mind clear and found leaves covering her arms. She saw Rue (District 11) hiding behind a tree, and she assured the younger girl that she wouldn’t hurt her. They sat down together and ate an animal that Katniss had killed and cooked over a very small fire. Katniss asked how long she had been asleep, and Rue replied a couple of days and she had changed Katniss’s leaves two times. Rue informed Katniss that two people died from the wasps, and Peeta was down by the river. Rue wanted to know if Katniss and Peeta were together romantically as was televised. Katniss didn’t reply and asked where Cato and the others were. Rue told her and added that their supplies piled up in a pyramid shape. The girls slept the night together and woke up with a plan to make little fires so Katniss could destroy their supplies while the others were chasing her and Rue. They decided that the call of the Mockingjay bird would be their signal if either one of them were held up. They hugged it out and planned to meet back up for supper. Three of the four Tributes took off after the first fire, and the remaining boy stayed behind to guard the supplies. Newscasters Caesar and Claudius were wondering if Katniss was going to figure out that the others reburied their mines as booby traps that would explode if people came too close to their pyramid of supplies. Out of nowhere came a lone girl, who saw the coast was clear and ran to the site, jumping over the mounds of dirt. She was successful in taking something and running off into the woods. The boy on guard went after the girl, and Katniss shot an arrow at the bag of apples at the top of the pyramid. She missed and took aim again, standing out in the open this time. The arrow shot the bag open, and the apples tumbled out onto the ground and set the mines off. The pyramid exploded and knocked Katniss off her feet. She got up to witness Cato’s group arriving back. On the spot, Cato killed the boy who was supposed to be watching the supplies. Katniss ran back into the woods for cover without being seen and whistled the Mockingjay call. She heard the reply and followed it. It led to one of their fire spots that didn’t get set. She heard Rue shout for Katniss and started running. She found Rue trapped in a booby trap net and freed her. The girls hugged, but then someone came up behind Katniss. He threw a spear, and Katniss fired an arrow that hit the boy in the chest and killed him. However, Katniss then turned around to see to see that the boy’s spear had hit Rue in the chest. Katniss confirmed to young Rue that she destroyed the pyramid and other Tributes’ food and supplies. Rue told Katniss that she had to win, and Katniss sang a song at Rue’s request as Rue died in her arms. Katniss placed flowers around Rue’s body, and she knew the cameras were watching her so she kissed her fingers and held them up in the air as a Girl Scout promise. Those watching did the same. Rue’s dad went berserk in the audience and started attacking the police soldiers, and that created a riot with the townsfolk joining in. They damaged the facilities and burned them down, violently attacking the officials. The soldiers to control the situation poured water onto the attackers. Katniss broke down in tears then, while at headquarters Haymitch told Seneca not to kill Katniss because he would just create a martyr. Haymitch said that the way to get the mob people under control was to give them something to root for, such as young love, versus trying to scare them. As Seneca and President Snow talked again in the President’s rose garden, President Snow said he didn’t like underdogs, but Seneca did. President Snow called farmers and coalminers the underdogs, and if Seneca could see them he would not root for them either. He warned Seneca to be careful, because even though President Snow liked him, he didn’t like the way The Games were going. Over a loudspeaker out in the woods, the Tributes received an announcement stating that the regulations requiring a single victor had been suspended, and from that point on two victors may be crowned if both originated from the same District. That was the only announcement. Katniss packed up and tried to go find Peeta. She looked for him by the river where Rue last said he was. She found blood on the ground and tracked it to where Peeta was lying on the ground. Peeta had disguised himself by painting his face to look like a rock and covering his body with moss beside the riverbed. The only way Katniss knew he was there was because he grabbed her leg. Peeta had taken a sword to the leg, but was able to escape. Katniss looked at his wound and told him she wasn’t going to leave him. She helped him to a cave area, where she gave him a kiss and told him he would be safe there and they would figure something out (as Gale was watching the footage back home of the blooming for TV romance between children). Katniss went outside to find a parachute airmail delivery from a sponsor with a container of soup and a note from Haymitch asking her if she called that a kiss (as though everyone were interested in watching teens kiss on TV for ratings). Katniss fed Peeta his soup, and Katniss said that he fed her once (the bread in the street). Peeta admitted he watched Katniss every day because he liked her so much. Katniss put the soup down and laid with Peeta at his request. Another announcement stated that at sunrise, there would be a feast on the morrow at the Cornucopia. It would be no ordinary occasion because each of the Tributes needed something desperately, and they planned to be generous hosts. Katniss decided that she was going to go get medicine for Peeta, risking her life in the process. He asked her why she was doing that, and her response was to give him a better kiss on the lips for the staged drama. Back home, Gale still hoped Katniss was his love. Peeta convinced Katniss to stay, but once he fell asleep Katniss left because he was having complications from his wound and was feverish. The Districts left were 2, 5, 11, and 12, and upon arrival at the Cornucopia Katniss saw the numbers of their Districts written on their package. Katniss was about to go get her package, but she stopped when the District 5 girl quickly ran from behind, grabbed her package, and ran back to the woods. Katniss got her package, but as she went around the corner the girl from District 2 threw a knife at her and it grazed her forehead. Katniss wasn’t able to use her bow and arrow because they were too close, so she tackled Katniss to the ground. As the other girl took out a butcher knife and started stabbing at Katniss’s head, she was somehow able to avoid the deadly sharp blade. The psychotic female pinned Katniss to the ground and held a sharp blade to her throat. She started taunting Katniss, asking where lover boy was, and telling Katniss that since they killed little Rue, they were going to kill Katniss too. However, a black boy from District 11 then showed up to the killing party and grabbed the white girl off from white Katniss because he heard that she had killed Rue (the black girl). He slammed the girl’s head into the Cornucopia and killed her. He told Katniss “just this time,” and ran off without hurting her. Katniss, with her package, made it back to Peeta in the cave. She put the medicine on Peeta’s wound, and he told her to put some on her head wound too. She agreed, and he applied the medicine to her forehead. Everybody at headquarters was watching the moment because it looked like two teens falling in love on screen in the midst of the deadly game that killed children to punish the enslaved people. Katniss and Peeta slept the night in each other’s arms and woke up to discover that her head wound was almost completely gone and his leg wound miraculously healed to a small gash. She told him they could go home because they were the only team left, and he liked the sound of that. They went hunting for the remaining Tributes and food together. As Katniss was about to shoot a hawk in a tree for food with an arrow, another cannon went off. Katniss ran to find Peeta and was afraid he was dead. In the process, she screamed their whereabouts to the competitors. When she found him, she saw that he had collected poisonous Nightlock berries into a pile on his coat on the ground for them to eat. Peeta was still collecting more when Katniss told him that he would be dead in a minute if he ate those berries. They stumbled across Foxface, who had eaten some of Peeta’s berries and died. Katniss started collecting some of the berries and said that Cato maybe liked them too. Back at the government headquarters, the officials decided to change the lighting in the Tributes play area again and make it nighttime versus daytime. Katniss said it was because they were in a hurry to end The Games. Seneca decided to add a wild beast into the Game to go after the remaining Tributes. As Katniss and Peeta were walking in the dark, they heard a boy screaming and some kind of howling sound along with it as if he was being attacked. Katniss said that was the finale, and the sounds were followed by the boom of a cannon and they saw the black boy from District 11 declared dead on the hologram announcement. The vicious wild creature, growling like a lion, then jumped out of the bushes at Peeta and knocked him to the ground. Katniss shot the beast with an arrow, but that didn’t down it and they both ran with the creature chasing them. Government Headquarters added more of the same deadly animal into the Game to hunt the children. Katniss and Peeta just barely made it up on top of the Cornucopia out of reach of the creatures. Cato, with a bloody head, was waiting and attacked them. Peeta went down, and Cato held onto Katniss’s throat with her head dangling over the side of the Cornucopia where the beasts could almost bite her face off. She didn’t have the strength of a man to defend herself from Cato’s large size, but then Peeta came to her rescue and pulled Cato off of Katniss. Cato got ahold of Peeta and held him in front of himself as a target block with his arm around Peeta’s throat. Katniss notched an arrow, and Cato told her to go ahead because he was dead anyway and he just found that out now that the Gamekeepers made it that way. Cato was a madman and said he could kill one more time because that was the only thing he knew how to do to bring pride to his district. Katniss then shot Cato in the hand (the same spot Jesus bled from on the cross), and Cato released Peeta. Peeta pushed Cato off the edge, and the beasts started eating Cato alive. Katniss shot Cato dead with an arrow to put him out of his screaming misery. With him now dead, the pack of wild animals decided it was no longer fun, so they left the area. The last cannon went off, and Katniss and Peeta hugged it out. Headquarters turned the lights back on to daytime, and there was an announcement saying that there was a slight rule change, and the revision was now revoked. Only one victor would be crowned instead of two, and they wished the two Tributes luck and, again, may the odds ever be in their favor. Peeta told Katniss to go ahead and kill him because one of them needed to die. She said no and she pulled out the deadly berries. The audience, including Seneca and Gale, saw both the Tributes with the berries. Like a crazy plot from Romeo and Juliet wacko Shakespeare (teen love), Katniss and Peeta decided to “pretend” they would die together by eating the berries. They didn’t get a chance to eat the berries because the announcer told them to stop (as Katniss knew they would). They were both proclaimed the winners of the 74th Annual Hunger Games, and Katniss and Peeta hugged it out…again The spaceship returned to pick them up, and Haymitch later told Katniss, as they were all dressed to the nines, that the government was not happy with her showing them up, so she was in serious trouble. Two soldiers then escorted Seneca into a room. They locked the door behind them as they left, and Seneca walked over to the glass bowl on the pedestal in the middle of the room. It was filled with the same poisonous berries Katniss had, which were now for Seneca to eat. That was President Snow’s way of telling him that he was going to die by the berries because of his mess-up. As Katniss and Peeta were about to go on live with Caesar, Haymitch advised Katniss to tell the crowd that she would rather die than not be with Peeta. The two murderous celebrities put on their best act in front of the crowd, and Katniss, dressed in her princess gown, and made everyone believe her claim of love toward Peeta, even though inside she didn’t necessarily feel that way about him. Katniss and Peeta said they saved each other lives, and Caesar presented to the audience the star-crossed teen lovers from District 12, the victors of that year’s Hunger Games. President Snow gave Katniss a gold crown like a queen (but didn’t show Peeta getting a crown or any reward), and complimented her on her MockingJay pin. Katniss thanked him because it was from her District. On the train back home, Peeta asked Katniss what would happen when they got back home. She replied that they would try to forget. Upon arrival back in District 12, the welcoming townspeople were gathered around cheering for Katniss and Peeta with Gale holding Prim on his shoulders and Katniss’s mom with them smiling. Peeta grabbed Katniss’s hand and held it up like they did during the parade as President Snow watched in disgust from headquarters and walked away. Astonishingly, this movie about children hunting and killing other children had a budget of $78 million and grossed $694 million at the box office. 

DATE REVIEWED: 3/4/23

TITLE: “Oh, God!” 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1977 Warner Bros. Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie takes place in Tarzana California and is about Jerry Landers, the assistant manager at Food World supermarket. As Jerry and his negligee-wearing wife, Bobbie, were getting ready for bed (with him blowing his nose from the bed and tossing the tissue at the wastebasket and missing and then leaving it on the floor), Jerry showed Bobbie a letter he got in the mail with no stamp or return address that asked him to come to a specific address the following day to have an interview with God. Jerry didn’t plan to go because he thought it was a hoax, not to mention he had a meeting scheduled that day with Mr. McCarthy, the District Produce Manager. In the middle of the night, Jerry ripped up the piece of paper with the address in it. The next day, in the back storeroom of the grocery store, two young employees, Norman and his girlfriend, were making out on the boxes with her skirt pulled up and his hands under it. Jerry walked by and told Norman to wash his hands, and he and the female jumped apart because they got caught. Jerry spoke with Mr. McCarthy, and while Jerry was trimming a bundle of lettuce he discovered a new piece of paper with the same words written on it in the bundle. He headed to the corporate building with the address and went into Room 2700. The room had a white interior and a white chair with a speaker next to it. A man’s voice came through the speaker telling Jerry that he was God Almighty and it wasn’t a joke. However, Jerry couldn’t believe that he was speaking to God over an intercom and was about to walk out when the voice asked him where he was. Jerry replied what room and floor he was on, and the voice replied that those places didn’t exist in that building. Jerry went to ask an employee, who confirmed that they only had seventeen floors. Jerry got back in the elevator and discovered that no matter what button he pressed to go to a different floor, the doors kept opening to the 27th Floor. He returned to the room and sat down in the chair next to the speaker. God told Jerry to relax and not smoke, and he replied that he didn’t, so God said that was good because tobacco used to be one of his own big mistakes. Jerry said that he wasn’t religious or a believer in God and hadn’t ever talked to God before that day, and God replied that he showed up because there were already too many nonbelievers and he wanted Jerry to change that and bring those people to faith. God dismissed Jerry to go back to work and Jerry was now able to leave the building. While he was driving in his car, God’s voice came over the car radio and told Jerry that he needed to be a savior and a messenger like Moses to spread the word that God existed and was not dead or made up of gas. Jerry argued that he would be put away if he went around telling people that he spoke with God, and he wasn’t sure he could take the job. God replied that it was simple and just one message he had to deliver. When Jerry got home, he told his wife Bobbie about what had happened, and of course she didn’t believe him. She suggested they take a holiday to San Francisco to go see Jerry’s sister’s new baby, and Jerry replied that his wife really wanted him to see his sister’s husband, but Jerry said he didn’t need a child psychiatrist to tell him that he didn’t talk to God, because he did. Bobbie said that she did believe in God, but she didn’t believe He existed in the way of repainting floor numbers in office buildings or doubling as a disc jockey. While Jerry was taking a shower the next morning, God began speaking to Jerry. He got out of the shower naked and discovered a casually dressed old man standing in the bathroom that the voice belonged to. This was God, and he explained that he chose to appear in that form because it was what Jerry would understand, and that if God do any face or voice and even appear as a woman if he chose to. Jerry put a towel around his waist and started shaving. He asked God if he listened to people’s prayers, and he replied that he heard their prayers but he didn’t always listen because life was mostly just luck and he had no plan or scheme for human lives. God also said that he didn’t do miracles because they were too flashy and upset the natural balance. The subject turned to the Red Sea and the creation of the world, so Jerry said he didn’t believe that God created the world in six days. God replied that honestly, he thought about it for five days and did the whole job in one day. Jerry asked why God permitted all the suffering in the world, and his answer was that he didn’t permit it, humans did because of the choices they made, either to love, cherish, and nurture each other, or to kill each other. God then handed Jerry his calling card with the word “God,” on it and told him to show it to people to make them believe. Jerry went to meet with Mr. Briggs at the Los Angeles Times to get the message that God spoke to Jerry in the newspaper. Mr. Briggs didn’t believe a word Jerry said and thought he was nuts. Jerry showed Mr. Briggs the God card, and he said it looked like something Jerry bought at a novelty shop. While Jerry was working in the grocery store, God spoke over the intercom and called him to aisle ten. He told Jerry that he didn’t see the story in the newspaper, and Jerry replied of course not because the man at the newspaper thought he was a lunatic. Jerry and God then went for a drive in Jerry’s car. Jerry asked God to control the weather and make a small rain shower, and it started instantly raining in the car. Jerry was pulled over by a police officer, and wanted to know what the problem was. Jerry said his radiator was leaking and opened the car door. Water flooded out into the street and officer replied that a radiator didn’t hold that much water. Jerry’s second excuse was that he drove through the car wash with his window rolled down, and the officer believed that and walked away. Jerry later returned to the news office and tried to convince Mr. Briggs that he had seen God two more times since they last spoke, and that the reason he was dripping water at that moment was because God made it rain holy water in his car. Mr. Briggs was about to leave, but Jerry wouldn’t let him and reminded Mr. Briggs that his job was to report religious events in the newspaper. Jerry insisted Mr. Briggs print God’s message (which was God gave humans everything they needed, but it was up to them to make it work)in the newspaper. Mr. Briggs did print it in the newspaper and Bobbie read it aloud to Jerry (in bed, again). However, Mr. Briggs called Jerry a religious freak in the very small article. Jerry mentioned “seeing,” and Bobbie learned that Jerry had heard and seen God. Jerry told his two young children, Adam and Becky, about his experience. Adam thought it was bananas and Becky suggested that maybe Jerry was going through the stage “mentalpause.” Adam corrected her that the word was menopause, and Becky agreed it was like Grandma. Another day, the Channel 11 news crew showed up outside the house and recorded a short interview with Jerry about his God experience. At work, Jerry was called into the office of George Summers, Food World’s regional supervisor. George asked Jerry what the “seeing God crap,” in the news was all about, and Jerry replied that it wasn’t crap and it was true. George said he had seen what being a manager could do to a man, such as making him hump check-out girls in the freezer. He advised Jerry to keep his mouth shut and stay away from the reporters, and if he didn’t he would be demoted to a bagger at the grocery store. Outside, Jerry met with God again, where he told Jerry that he could only see the future the minute it became the past, and that he couldn’t make a personal decision for everybody so they needed to decide what was to be done with the world. At home, Bobbie agreed with George that Jerry should keep quiet about seeing God. Jerry replied that George represented “Food World,” but God was with “World World,” so that was a bigger obligation than his job. Jerry then went on the Dinah Shore Show and the female host, Dinah, had Jerry describe what God’s face looked like to Fernando Ponce, a sketch artist from the Los Angeles Police Department. When Jerry’s car was delayed in being repaired at an auto shop, God appeared driving a taxi cab and picked Jerry up. He showed Jerry his vehicle for hire driver’s permit, where he had listed his driver name as “God.” Jerry thought God would be happy that he got him public exposure, but he replied that he could be happier because Jerry got put on the show during the last few minutes, and that was just for fellas who wrote diet books. God wanted to know what the drawing thing was about and God said that the guy was a police artist who made everybody look like crooks and God look like a second-story man. He dropped Jerry off outside his house, where large groups of people were gathered holding signs and women were trying to get Jerry to bless them. Inside, Bobbie wasn’t happy about it and said that the police took Adam and Becky to school that day because they said it was safer. She showed Jerry all the telegrams and notes they had received about the whole ordeal, and on one of those notes Jerry discovered that he had been invited to the local university to appear in front of a theology group and verify his miracle. One man at the table, Reverend Willie Williams, told Jerry that he knew God’s word through the Scriptures and it would be blasphemy to suggest that humans could describe the Creator in human terms. Jerry asked that if God made humans, then why couldn’t He appear to them as a human. Reverend Williams told Jerry not to teach their assemblage the role of the Deity. Another man announced that even though they had insufficient documentation to support Jerry’s claim, they would allow him to present them with other evidence. Jerry was given a list of fifty questions by the University associates, (written in the language Aramaic), that the theologists assembled for him to ask God. Jerry was told that as a control measure, he would remain locked in his hotel room alone with no outside calls. God eventually knocked on the hotel room door (Room 2700) and Jerry let him in. God started reading off the questions and giving Jerry his answers. One of the questions was if Jesus Christ was the Son of God, and God replied that Jesus was his son, and so were Buddha, Mohammed, Moses, Jerry, and the man who said there was no room in the inn. Jerry then sat in on the Rev. Williams’ large congregation. Jerry walked up to Williams and told him that God specifically wanted Jerry to give Williams the answers to the questions, and he had also told Jerry to tell the reverend that God was unhappy that he was getting rich that way in his mega church. Jerry’s last words to Williams were that God wanted the reverend to stop pretending that he was spreading God’s word, and then the choir members tried to drag Jerry off the stage. In the next scene, Jerry was in court. The prosecuting attorney, Sam Raven, said it was slander the idea that the reverend would get rich off from the innocent souls he preached to. Sam announced that not only was the reverend’s organization non-profit, he personally paid over six figures in income tax every year. Attorney Sam asked Judge Baker to give back the reverend his honor and allow him to receive the damages they sought from the defendant, Jerry, who they said was so out of touch with reality that he tarnished Williams’ reputation as a clergyman. Sam then declared that one American President declared Reverend Williams to be “God’s own quarterback.” Bobbie had no faith in Jerry’s newfound beliefs and wanted him to end the court case by apologizing and not being sued.When Williams testified, he kept saying that the young man Jerry was out of his mind because the reverend didn’t think that God was talking to the one individual since it never happened to himself. Jerry told the courtroom that God last appeared to him as a busboy, and everybody laughed because Jerry didn’t have an attorney and was defending himself. When Judge Baker called for Jerry’s witnesses, he replied that he only wanted one witness, which was the Lord God. The objection came from Sam, who said that Jerry was trying to make a mockery of the court system. However, Jerry argued that he was making a point and said that everybody in the room hesitated after he called God to the stand on trial only proved that in their minds, God did exist, and even though He didn’t materialize that instant and sit in the chair in front of them all didn’t mean that He wasn’t with them at moment, of every day, for that matter. Judge Baker responded that in addition to the charges from the plaintiff, he was going to add on charges of contempt of court because he warned Jerry earlier that he needed to have proper legal representation. The judge might not have been a believer himself, so he basically wanted to silence Jerry and used his almighty power to do so Jerry couldn’t win the case. As Judge Baker was lecturing Jerry that he was getting deeper and deeper into trouble with the court, God showed up and interrupted the session. Jerry said that was God, and Judge Baker wanted to know who the man was. Before God would tell him, he asked to be sworn in. With his hand on the Bible, God said “So help me me,” instead of “So help me God,” and told the judge that whether it pleased the court or not, he was God. Sam asked permission to question the witness, and God replied to sit down, Sonny, because God had already answered enough questions from that man (fifty questions). God testified that everything Jerry said was true, and he brought up a point about a recent movie with the devil. God said that nobody had any problem that the devil existed inside the little girl, but God declared that he worked in his own way and didn’t get inside little children because they had enough to do just being themselves. God said he didn’t go around to everybody in the world to have a personal conversation with him or her, so he picked Jerry to talk to. God then went on to say that if a miracle would help everybody believe that he was whom he said he was, he would show a miracle. He tried to have the judge pick a card, but Judge Baker said he already knew magicians could do card tricks and once even made an elephant disappear. God got up from the chair, and as he was walking, he became invisible and walked towards the exit opening the doors along the way which made, to everyone watching, made it look like the doors opened with no help from anyone. Invisible God then remained just outside the courtroom telling the people that just because they couldn’t see Him didn’t mean he was not real, and that even though they might not have faith in God, God had faith in them. God knew that Jerry was innocent and he rested his case. Judge Baker recessed the court to meet with both parties privately in his chambers and listen to the recording of God’s testimony. However, none of God’s voice was present on the recording, only the voices of the actual people speaking in the room. This baffled everybody, except for Jerry. Sam told the judge that somebody must have erased it, and the judge replied that nobody erased tapes anymore. Jerry explained that God’s voice could not be recorded and he had told Jerry that when he first revealed himself to Jerry. Judge Baker asked the court reporter if there was anything wrong with the stenotype machine, and the clerk replied that it took down all the words, but now none of them from God were listed on the paper. Jerry chimed in and said God wanted them all to decide for themselves whether or not they saw and heard God in the courtroom. Reverend Williams told Jerry that there was no proof whatsoever that God was in the courtroom that day, and Jerry argued they all heard and saw him. Bobbie finally agreed with her husband, Jerry. But, Judge Baker stated that he could now see how Jerry could have and did talk to and see God. He ruled that God’s words to Jerry were a divine assignment, and that the charge of slander was dismissed. Judge Baker added that, on the basis of the evidence (which was now lack of evidence because God erased it), it never really happened and God did not appear to those in the courtroom, no matter how much they all wanted to believe it. Judge Baker commented that Jerry could, of course, appeal to a higher court, and Jerry schooled the judge that they already heard from God, who was the highest court. Bob Slavick the store manager, said goodbye to Jerry, who handed him the keys to the store because Jerry got fired from his job. Bob told Jerry that they would send him in the mail his assistant manager picture that they had on the wall. As Jerry was driving, he stopped at a red light and heard the payphone alongside the road ringing. The light turned green and Jerry kept driving. However, the phone kept ringing, so Jerry up his car in the road and parked beside the payphone. He got out to answer the phone and discovered that God was in the other phone booth next to him. God was dressed in a safari outfit and told Jerry he was going to spend some time with animals because he liked them. He told Jerry that they didn’t fail, but did a terrific job because God gave the message of encouragement to Jerry, he passed it along, and now they would wait and see if the people were going to receive God’s word in a positive way. God told Jerry that he was Johnny Appleseed, who dropped a few seeds and moved and if the seeds were good they would take root. God gave Jerry the best seeds, but Jerry said that he lost his job and everybody thought he was a nut. God replied that there were other cities and other supermarkets, and he went on to say that Jerry was in good company with Galileo, Pasteur, Einstein, Columbus, who were all considered to be nuts at one point or another. God then said his goodbyes because he wasn’t ever coming back to Jerry since his work was done with him. God told Jerry to continue talking to him because he would always be listening. 


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