MOVIE REVIEW 36

DATE REVIEWED: 10/16/25

TITLE: Without Men

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 Maya Entertainment / Tayrona Entertainment Group / Indalo Productions / Anthony Moody Productions / Lucas Jarach / Jason Price Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began with USA reporter Gordon Smith traveling to the South American jungle to do a front-page story about the guerrilla wars. A young tribal boy whose butt crack was exposed was around the reporter and the kid had a real gun. Gordon called his female boss, who was back in the USA having oral sex with her office employee during the phone conversation. Gordon complained about his job, so his boss threatened to send him to Cuba to cover Castro’s colonoscopy. Gordon asked for more money, but she refused. The boy gave Gordon a Holy Bible to read to him because he couldn’t read English and it would pay for Gordon’s expenses. However, inside the Bible was the diary of Father Rafael, a Catholic priest who lived in the very small South American village of Mariquita (Columbia) with a population of 67. Gordon read the Priest’s diary to the boy. Priest Rafael explained that Mariquita was a standard village with a brothel, a church and a cow. Because of the many of beautiful women in Mariquita, Rafael was glad to wear his priestly robe because it covered his enlarged male body part. One day, the cartel arrived in Mariquita armed with machine guns. They wanted the villagers’ help and mentioned imperials, but the locals fled in terror. Mayor Campo Elias hid in the only available hiding spot in his house and left his wife Rosalba Viuda de Patino to fend for herself against the dangerous men. Rosalba was known as a headstrong moral female and had picked her husband after interviewing several potential candidates. Mayor Campo claimed that he loved Rosalba but admitted that he slept with Ubaldina because he needed sex on the side. To save her own life, Rosalba told the gangsters where Mayor Campo was and they supposedly shot him dead. The cartel men planned on taking all the men in the village as hostages, so Magnolia put her brother Julio in a dress and a wig to disguise him as a female and the bad guys were fooled. Rafael said prayers for the couple of men that had died, and Rosalba cried a little over her dead husband but not much since he had been unfaithful. The guerrillas left with all the men except for Rafael and Julio, and the village population dropped to 29. Priest Rafael planned to be there for the women when they needed to be reminded that they were women, and added that was when Rosalba decided to be the man-woman. Magnolia kept Julio in dresses and had him acting feminine and refused to let him do man jobs like the women wanted.Rosalba tried to convince the villagers to do chores like changing light bulbs and milking cows, but they wouldn’t because they believed it was men’s work. Priest Rafael took naps during the day and informed Rosalba that God was always around and he didn’t need to perform Mass because nobody was sinning. General Ibarra arrived in town to assess the damage and promised to send men, and in the meantime they appointed Rosalba as mayor to take charge. Rosalba hired Cecilia as her assistant and addressed the women telling them that females were no less than males and she could handle the job. Rosalba made a to-do list to restore the electricity, ban complaining, stop the nagging, sow rice and clean up the trash around town. She held a pistol and posed for a mayor picture like the previous male mayors had done with their guns. A wanderer appeared in the village by the name of Cleotilde Huaniso seeking a job and a home, and Rafael identified the stranger as a male dressed like a female and knew it would cause a problem. One of the villagers gave Cleotilde a room, and some of the women admitted that they couldn’t read or write because the male schoolteacher was taken but they thought the skill was useless anyway. Mayor Rosalba gave Cleotilde a job as a teacher, and taught the adult women at the schoolhouse. The women then followed one of the prostitute females back to the brothel where she worked, and they peeked in and watched Lucrecia teach her prostitutes how to sexually please themselves without men. Mayor Rosalba shooed them away from the window but stayed to learn about the happy spot. The mayor later practiced what she had seen at home on herself in bed. Gordon called his boss in the USA again and explained that he wanted to find Mariquita and do a story on the Amazon women. The boss hung up on Gordon again and told him to get her a story or she would give the job to someone else. Rosalba told Priest Rafael that she would pray for men to help solve their problems, and Priest Rafael said that the women had to start repopulating the town with baby boys in the event no men ever arrived. As Mayor Rosalba knelt beside Priest Rafael in prayer, he put on a drama scene pretending that he was speaking directly to God, who told the priest that he must serve the Lord by having sex with all the women since he was the only man available. Mayor Rosalba argued that it was a moral issue, but priest Rafael claimed that it was the will of God (the priest said God may be a he or she). Priest Rafael told Rosalba that it was her job, as mayor, to tell the townspeople about God’s divine will. Mayor Rosalba then informed the town that they needed to impregnate 20 women using Father Rafael and hope that the majority of the babies would be male. Julio then tried to volunteer as one of the women who would get pregnant, but the priest Rafael told the trans boy that he didn’t have a uterus and couldn’t reproduce. Rosalba added that only the women under 40 had to be ready for the priest to visit them one-by-one and have sex. Catholic Priest Rafael explained that there would be no feelings involved and instructed the women to remove religious artifacts from their houses before he arrived because he was doing a holy service to God. Mayor Rosalba added that they would be making love to God using the priest’s male body parts. The women wore sexy clothes to Mass and winked at Priest Rafael knowing what was in store for them later as he hand-fed them bread. Mayor Rosalba refused to have sex with the priest and assigned Cecilia to do it for her. The young virgin Virgelina didn’t want to have sex for the first time with a priest, but the brothel leader Lucrecia gave the females explicit instructions on pleasure. Catholic priest Rafael then had sex with many women and later reported that 273 holy visitations were performed. One day, the women lined up outside Rafael’s house, and even Mayor Rosalba changed her mind and declared that she was ready to do her duty. However, Rafael explained that the holy visitations had to stop because his male parts weren’t working anymore and none of the females were pregnant from his other visitations. The women were angry and restless after God stopping pimping the priest out, so they cornered him in the church and demanded that he perform for them again. Rafael directed them to the Bible, but Magnolia replied that she didn’t like the Good Book and wanted a different book that didn’t disgrace LGBTQ. Priest Rafael told the females they were probably all on their periods, so the women threw things at him and chased the priest out of town. Cleotilde removed the cross from the church. Rafael ended his diary stating that God abandoned him and the crazy women abandoned God. Gordon then ran into the actual Priest Rafael, who could take him out of the guerilla camp and lead him to the Amazon women so Gordon could write a front-page news story. After Priest Rafael left Mariquita, the women were upset and wanted men. When Rosalba couldn’t come out and face them, they packed their bags and left town taking the cow with them. Mayor Rosalba then confronted the angry mob women and now wore a more colorful dress and had her hair down. The female mayor told them they would only run into violence and hostile people on the other side of the mountain. She advised them to create a paradise in their own town by learning to get along, and then mayor Rosalba took the cow back to town. The church clock broke, and the villagers thought it was a sign from God. Rosalba and Cleotilde brainstormed together to come up with something to replace the clock with, such as the female concept of time or a menstrual calendar. The women came together as a community to share their animals and harvest their food. Mayor Rosalba locked up the gun so there would be no violence in town, and then the women worked together to pick up all the trash and change their own light bulbs. They put a banner over the broken clock stating that it was the birth of the female time. Gordon called his boss again as she helped her assistant take pictures of his bare butt using the work copier. The boss lady insisted that Gordon write the story about the all-women town in a man’s world. Priest Rafael declared that he wasn’t going back to the bit**es in Mariquita and told Gordon to go alone. Gordon offered Rafael money, but he refused to be bought and complained about the Americans’ obsession with Larry King and how they threw their money around. Rafael agreed to make Gordon a map and then the priest wanted some pesos for compensation. One day Cleotilde decided to walk around town in her bra and underwear and told mayor Rosalba that since it was just the women (and trans), there was no reason to wear a lot of clothes. Rosalba threatened to oust Cleotilde for indecency, but then the other females stripped down to their lingerie as well. Rosalba did the same and joined them for an all-inclusive meal. Mayor Rosalba later on went into the church in her white negligee to meet with Cleotilde. With a crucifix of Jesus on the wall, the two women kissed passionately and had oral sex inside the church. Rosalba then woke up from her dream and found herself at home. She confided in Cecilia about her feelings for Cleo, and Cecilia advised Rosalba to write Cleo a love poem and never tell anyone about her lesbian feelings. Magnolia then confessed to Cleotilde that she and Cecilia had a secret lesbian relationship. Cleotilde was happy to receive the love poem from Rosalba. Magnolia went to Rosalba’s office to drop off Cleo’s response letter, and Magnolia didn’t know Rosalba was there and almost revealed her lesbian thing with Cecilia. Mayor Rosalba read the lesbian love letter in which Cleotilde felt the same way and wanted to meet with Rosalba at the river later that day. Several other women were there, and mayor Rosalba and Cleotilde kissed underwater. Magnolia and Cecilia then got into an argument because Cecilia didn’t want anyone to know about their gay relationship but Magnolia confessed that she already told Cleotilde about it. The women later lit up the town with lights and held a ceremony to celebrate the female time. Mayor Rosalba announced that she was in love with her girlfriend Cleotilde, who said the same about the mayor. Everyone cheered for the lesbians, so Cecilia and Magnolia admitted their love for each other. Some other women paired up as well and left to have sex while trans Julio stayed behind. The next morning, Julio told Magnolia that he smelled a man’s musk in the air and then Gordon arrived. When the women went to the church, they found Gordon and told him to take off his stinky clothes so they could wash them. Gordon explained that he was a USA journalist and wanted to get the scoop on the Amazon village of giant females that found a way to get themselves pregnant. They told Gordon to go outside so they could discuss his reason for being there, as some of the women turned into lovers of man again and touched Gordon’s body on his way out. Another group of women harassed Gordon outside until mayor Rosalba came out and told Gordon that he was disrupting the town too much and would have to leave in the morning but he could stay the night. The women watched Gordon exploring the town, and Cleotilde told everyone to stay away from him because she thought he would ruin them if he wrote a news article about their peaceful lesbian town. However, most of the women wanted to have sex with Gordon before he left. Cecilia visited Gordon in the church and asked about her son who was taken by the guerillas. Gordon realized that the women loved the men of their village dearly and wanted them back. Gordon pointed out to mayor Rosalba after Cece left that there were no statues of God inside the church. Gordon convinced mayor Rosalba to tell her story of survival without men so she and her tribe could be a role model to the women-only towns in America. Rosalba agreed, but Cleotilde wasn’t happy. She called Rosalba out on how she looked at Gordon because she could see that mayor Rosalba was still sexually attracted to men. As Gordon left town, the women blew kisses at him and wanted him to stay so they could have sex. Mayor Rosalba walked after him and asked Gordon not to write the story, and he said he would think about it and took a picture of the women. Priest Rafael narrated that Gordon left behind flowers, tampons and perfume as gifts for the women. Meanwhile in the jungle where the hostages were being kept, it turned out that two of the men from town who were supposedly killed were still alive and only pretended to be dead because Campo wanted freedom from his wife Rosalba. Gordon stumbled across the two men and Cecilia’s son, and he gave them the map so they could find their way to Mariquita since he couldn’t go back. The three men arrived in the village, and the women came out to greet them and Julio took off his wig and decided to be a man again. Rosalba told her husband that she was mayor now, but he threatened to have her arrested if she didn’t follow his orders. The other women were happy to see Campo, but Rosalba stormed off. Cecilia’s son wasn’t happy to discover that his mom was now dating his nanny. The women then put the men in dresses and took away their man cards until further notice. One of the men had enough with the lesbian-run town and called them out on it at a meeting using his gun. However, Cleotilde pulled out a bigger gun and told him that the men didn’t run the show anymore. Even after Campo found out that his wife turned lesbian, he and Cecilia’s son took the women’s side. The third man finally ran off shouting about the crazy lesbians and decided he was better off with the guerrillas. Gordon made it back to the USA, and his female boss wasn’t pleased about him lying that he didn’t have the story in order to protect the women. She informed him that women would always have their way and stormed out of his office. Priest Rafael narrated it was funny that an American finally had a conscience and it was why Gordon didn’t print the story. Cleotilde confronted Rosalba and wanted to send the men away, but Rosalba refused and planned to do what was right. Cleotilde walked out in tears knowing their gay relationship was over. Mayor Rosalba held a meeting at the church and told the villagers that the men and women needed to live together as a society of equals and stop trying to be smarter or stronger than the other. Everyone applauded the speech, and Campo embraced his lover Ubaldina. Rosalba went looking for her lover and caught up to Cleotilde as she was leaving town. Mayor Rosalba declared that she loved Cleotilda and wanted her to stay, so the two women lovers kissed passionately. A few months later, lesbians Cecilia and Magnolia walked hand in hand down the town street as though it were perfectly normal. One couple had a baby, and Campo and Ubaldina got married. Julio decided not to be a transgender anymore and went back to wearing men’s clothes. The lesbians Lucrecia and La Gringa adopted four children from neighboring villages and taught them about sex. Catholic Priest Rafael stated that men and women worked together as long as men learned their place that they were second to women. The movie ended with Catholic Priest Father Rafael going door-to-door in a new town to solicit sex with women in the name of God.

DATE REVIEWED: 10/14/25

TITLE: Stan Lee’s Superhero Kindergarten: How The Super K’s Save Christmas

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2021 Genius Brands International / NCircle Entertainment / POW! Entertainment / Oak Productions / Telegael / Kartoon Channel

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: Part 1: This cartoon short film began at Greenville Academy, where Principal Shoutzalot informing teacher Arnold Armstrong and his kindergarten students that the holiday season wasn’t just about the presents and celebrating different (inclusivity) cultures but also about winning the Best Kindergarten Holiday Show award. The principal explained their show would celebrate multiple holiday traditions including Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, Gita Jayanti, Solstice, Festivus and Life Day. Christmas was the most important because of the decorations and characters. Principal Shoutzalot told Arnold to make sure their school won the contest even if they had to cheat. Each of the Greenville kids had different beliefs and celebrations during the holidays. Teacher Arnold told the class what Christmas was like in Austria where he was from. St. Nicholas and a goat creature called Krampus would visit the houses of young kids. The children received sweets from St. Nicholas if they were good, but if they were bad Krampus would put them in his sack and take them to his cave to eat them. Arnold then had a flashback of when he was Captain Fantastic the superhero and hosted holiday specials with several so-called celebrity guests, but he refused to tell the kids about it. They discussed how their rival school, the Academy for Superior Children, would be their competition for the show. Arnold’s student Jackson Jet flew around the room using his farts as fuel. Principal Shoutzalot popped in, and Arnold covered for Jackson by telling her that it was just theater shenanigans and the principal believed it. She wanted it in the show and she reminded Arnold to win at all costs. At the smart kids’ academy, evil headmaster Nigel Danforth told his students that they would win with the show that he would produce. He wasn’t pleased with the kids’ acting where one girl planned to chop down a boy dressed as a Christmas tree with her axe. Nigel told his students about his childhood Christmas, when he only received a lump of coal in his stocking. Santa also left a letter telling Nigel that he was naughty for lying, cheating and stealing like in all previous years but he could still change. Nigel considered trying to be good, but then his friend invited him to throw snowballs at elderly people, children and animals. Nigel gladly agreed to take part in the bullying and didn’t care about being good. Nigel told the kids they would win no matter what and enlightened them that Captain Fantastic’s Christmas special was so bad that the CIA used it as a torture device to get secret information out of captured spies. Nigel told his students to use their superpowers to sabotage the Greenville kids, so they and Nigel snuck onto the Greenville school roof. Principal Shoutzalot gave the Greenville kids a pep talk that having fun was good but winning was better.The show began, and the Greenville kids gave skits about different holiday customs. When the Academy kids tried to ruin the show with their powers, the other kids tried to incorporate it into the show. The mean kids dropped goop onto the head of the Kramus character and they decided that maybe Kramus shouldn’t be eating children. The academy invisible girl spun the boy dressed as a dreidel faster than he was supposed to go, but he was able to get offstage. When the kids danced in their fruit costumes for Kwanzaa, the Academy kids released flies to bother them. Nigel and his students left to prepare for their show the following night as Greenville Elementary finished their show with only those three performances. At the academy the next evening, the two judges received a private show that was Christmas with a twist. The first skit was about “The Gift of the Magi” and took place in New York City in 1905. A boy and a girl played the parts of an adult couple that believed they could have a merry Christmas even though they were poor. Jim received a watch fob and Della received pretty combs for her long hair, but it turned out that Della cut off her hair to buy Jim’s gift and Jim sold his watch to buy Della’s gift. They couldn’t use either item, so Della wanted to break into the pawn show and steal back Jim’s watch along with other items and money. Jim agreed and suggested that they become full-time thieves, so they put on their eye masks to do their dirty Christmas deeds. In the next skit, two kids built a snowman and then the sun melted it away. Nigel told the judges to never be the snowman and always be the sun, and then he introduced a depressing Hans Christian Andersenskit called “The Little Match Girl.” The little homeless girl on the street couldn’t sell matches to anyone, and she later became a zombie and attacked the two people who didn’t buy from her.Nigel ended that the girl got the Christmas feast she wanted because she ate the couple that wouldn’t buy what she was selling. After the kids left, Nigel handed the judges a cash bonus to make the holidays better and hoped that he won the judges over. Nigel left claiming that it was influence money and not a bribe, but the male judge planned to donate his money to charity. He suggested the female do the same, but the female judge wanted to use the money for a new TV. At the holiday awards ceremony in Greenville City, the judges announced that the Academy for Superior Children was the winner of the award. Nigel gloated over the trophy that his school won, but then the male judge announced that the female judge gave him the wrong name and the real winner was Greenville Elementary. Arnold took the trophy from Nigel and dedicated it to his students Pedro, Vik, Patty, Billy, Lin and Jackson. Nigel was irate about his loss and he believed they would have won if he (the man) had played the part of the little match girl himself. He planned to retaliate by taking down Santa and ruining Christmas like the hundreds of other people unsuccessfully tried to do in the past using movies and TV specials.

Part 2: It began two days before Christmas, when teacher Arnold relaxed at home with his mini donkey Lulu and watched Christmas specials on InstaMeTube. He was shocked to discover that one of the shows was the 1977 Captain Fantastic Holiday Special, which featured superhero Captain Fantastic (Arnold) and his female sidekick Charo traveling to the North Pole to visit Santa (Orson Welles) and dance to disco music. Arnold thought he destroyed every copy of that special when he burned them all, but somebody got ahold of one of the copies and televised it. Meanwhile in a dark alley, Nigel paid a large sum to have a videotape copy of Captain Fantastic’s 1977 special with extra footage that included Cher and Chewbacca. The Academy students, both girls and boys, then dressed up in red costumes and wore male facemasks of Salvador Dali. Because they lost the holiday award, Nigel planned to steal Christmas by taking their private jet North Pole and getting rid of Santa, the elves and the reindeer. The children were allowed to steal any toys that they wanted from Santa’s workshop that would fit on the plane. That night, the ghost of Nigel’s old villain friend Staple Man, who died seven years before, visited Nigel in his bedroom. Staple Man informed Nigel that three spirits would visit him, but Nigel had plans to ruin Christmas and needed to sleep. He told Staple Man to leave him alone and try to change the Joker, Loki or Elon. At Greenville Elementary, Billy showed off the drone he got for Hanukkah. Pedro and Jackson wanted to know if they were on Santa’s nice list, so Jackson flew to the North Pole to look at the list using his farts as gas. Jackson arrived and hid behind a snow bank as Nigel and his students, known as the Fearsome Foursome, arrived in their jet. Nigel instructed Guillermo to scare off the elves using a swarm of bugs, and then Nigel informed Santa that he and his students wouldn’t fail at preventing Christmas from happening. Ivan trapped Santa in place using black goop, and Robyn used his blaster breath to blow Santa’s reindeer far away with a gust of wind. Invisible Isabelle found Jackson and tied him up so he couldn’t fly back to Greenville and tell the others they needed to rescue Santa. Isabelle locked Jackson in the broken toy closet, where he put together a Captain Fantastic talking action figure and a toy phone. He called five-year-old fellow classmate Pedro on the phone that Pedro’s parents just gave him for Christmas and told him about the situation. Arnold called InstaMeTube and they removed the video from TV. Arnold’s kindergarten students, the Super K’s, then showed up at his door without Jackson. They gave Arnold signed permission slips from their parents allowing them to go to the North Pole with their teacher to save Christmas. Jackson used a Dr. Superior (Nigel) action figure with a jujitsu grip to free himself from his ropes just as Arnold and the kids arrived at the North Pole in their eho friendly chopper. The Greenville kids and the Academy Kids then battled each other with their superpowers. Stan Lee, the head of STANdards and Practices, who stated that fighting between the young kids was too violent, interrupted with a commercial.He wanted to replace the scene with a happy scene from the TV special The Donkey Who Saved Christmas, but the director protested. The director wrote the fighting scene between the young kids and told Stan that it was art and couldn’t be censored. The two men got into a fistfight over it so the female head honcho came in the room and told the audience that the men’s violence was not appropriate for young viewers so it returned to the show where the kids continued their battle. The goat creature Krampus then appeared at the North Pole and put Nigel and the Fearsome Foursome kids into his sack for being naughty, and they couldn’t escape because their powers were useless inside the sack. Nigel admitted that he put a bomb in Santa’s workshop to destroy all the toys, and he pressed the detonator and the workshop exploded. Arnold suggested that because the gifts were gone, people on Christmas Day would leave their houses, join hands and sing together to realize that it was about the people and not the presents. Nigel insisted that the kids would throw tantrums if they didn’t get toys. The reindeer returned. The reindeers’ ankles were sprained and Santa’s arm was broken, so Arnold towed the sleigh with his helicopter. Santa and the kids were in the sleigh with a bag of toys, and Santa was worried about toxic fumes and exhaust but Arnold reassured him that the jetcopter used clean, solar-powered energy. The kids drew pictures of toys on paper and then used their powers to make them real to fill Santa’s bag. They delivered them to the kids’ houses around the world. Krampus took the bad people to his cave to feast on them, and Nigel’s last request was to watch the Captain Fantastic videotape on Krampus’ personal Betamax. Nigel told the kids not to look at the screen no matter what, and then they escaped while Krampus was involved in the show. Arnold told Santa that saving Christmas wasn’t a miracle but the work of six kindergarteners, and Santa had good insurance and would rebuild his workshop. Santa gave the Greenville students toys from his house that didn’t get blown up as gifts for their help. Santa wanted to give a good man a gift too, so Arnold whispered in Santa’s ear what he wanted for Christmas before he and the kids left. Back at home, Arnold unwrapped his gift from Santa and it was the last video copy of his 1977 special that Krampus had. Arnold threw it in the fire and then let Lulu watch The Donkey Who Saved Christmas to celebrate Christmas day.

DATE REVIEWED: 10/12/25

TITLE: War, Inc.

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007/2008 Millennium Films / New Crime Productions / First Look Studios

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]:

REASON: This movie stated that life in the 21stcentury would have one man ruling the world with his private armies. It began in the Canadian Arctic Territory of Iqaluit, Nunavut. CIA hitman Brand Hauser walked into the Tulugag bar, and soon shot dead three German businessmen. He sent a photo of one bloody dead man as confirmation that the deed was done and then burned the phone. Hauser left in his private plane equipped with GuideStar Jerry, who told Hauser directions to pass by Greenland. Jerry gave Hauser guidance to help him through his recurring nightmares, and Hauser said the hot sauce that he drank at the bar helped. Hauser then had a video chat with the rogue former vice President, who was on the toilet at the time. He hadn’t used his title for six months and had been cleared of all his criminal doings after a pardon from the president. The VP assigned Hauser to a new target Omar Sharif, the CEO of the UgiGas oil company in Turaqistan who was trying to build a pipeline through his Middle Eastern country. Hauser’s identity was a Trade Show Producer for Brand USA, the trade expo that Tamerlane Industries sponsored and that Omar would attend. There would also be a big wedding of an oil heir and pop star going on simultaneously. It would be the first war that was 100% outsourced to private enterprise, and they would be using Tamerlane’s tanks, soldiers, jets and the new SAX boat. Hauser flew to Turaqistan. Upon arrival, Hauser was picked up in a Tamerlane military vehicle and taken to the Emerald City. Tamerlane helped the locals rebuild their war-torn country with well-known American brands like Popeyes, Panasonic and Coca-Cola. Hauser went to the building where the expo was being set up, and he told his colleague Marsha Dillon to cater to the Muslims by moving the stage to the east so they wouldn’t turn away when they prayed five times a day. He met with Natalie Hegalhuzen, a Liberal Magazines reporter, in his office to conduct business but she was more concerned about the bombs that were exploding outside. Natalie felt that Tamerlane was in violation of international law and Hauser was profiting off the poor people Turaqi who were under continuous attack from unknown sources. He argued that Christ (or Buddha or Allah depending on your belief) would return on the day that everyone could hear all the suffering and pain. Hauser dismissed Natalie from his office and then went to meet with Viceroy Walken at the Popeyes’ restaurant via the freezer elevator. Viceroy communicated with Hauser using a voice-over and a big-screen TV, and he instructed Hauser to assassinate Omar before he left the expo. The wedding of Yonica Babyyeah, the Central Asian Britney Spears, would be the grand finale of the expo and the event was huge in the pop culture industry. Hauser collected a suitcase full of cash as payment for the hit as Viceroy flashed close-up pictures of different people such as Donald Trump, Hugh Hefner, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Ronald Reagan. Viceroy explained that there would be worldwide news coverage with US networks, Sky Channel and Al Jazeera. The security guards implanted chips in people so they could fully experience the Tamerlane interactive technology. Natalie refused to get a chip because she would get hives, so she participated in the virtual-reality without one. Meanwhile, Yonica Babyyeah arrived with her fiancé Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini, the heir to the Turaqi clan, as fans gathered in the streets. One excited fan ran towards Yonica, but her white gangster security guards who brutally beat the man with a baseball batstopped him. Hauser and Natalie met at the Freedom Grand club, where newscaster John McLaughlin reported about Yonica’s wedding. Natalie wanted to record their conversation, but Hauser shut the tape off to keep his real job and the identity of his employer secret. She saw through all the masks that Hauser was hiding behind and didn’t plan on sleeping with him, so he gave her a pass to the trade show and she left. The showgirl dancers for the expo had lost their legs from bombings during the war, so they wore Tamerlane prosthetics to perform the dance. At another booth, Yonica lip-synced a provocative song and danced sexually with several men. She licked a prop in front of Hauser, so he left and threw up on Natalie after he drank more hot sauce. Hauser went to his car to get more questionable advice from GuideStar Jerry, and he told Jerry that he liked Natalie even though she hated him and Yonica made him sick to his stomach. Hauser’s repeated nightmare took place at the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, several years earlier when he spoke to his boss Walken about quitting his job so he could get married and have a family. Walken refused and informed him that Operation Chickenhawk was never-ending, and Walken was surprised to learn that Hauser had a female interest since Walken thought that he and Hauser had a gay thing. Back in real time, Hauser prepared to assassinate Omar as Omar left a building wearing pink Croc like shoes, but he was interrupted by a phone call from Marsha informing him that the deliver was about to happen. Right after a Tamerlane military tank appeared, and a soldier gave Hauser his dry-cleaning and then chugged freeze-dried coffee. The madman soldier banged his head against the car door until Hauser gave him the claim ticket, and then the tank left shooting up the streets of the city. Hauser brought the dry-cleaning to Natalie because he had vomited on her jacket after Yonica’s performance. He convinced Natalie to have coffee with him and was impressed that the reporter spoke the local Turaqi language despite being American. Natalie thought Hauser was full of crap and wanted to know one honest thing about him, so he told her about his obsession with hot sauce juice. The Video Gangstas film crew later met with Hauser to discuss filming Yonica’s wedding. They bragged that they had all-access passes to the country and its people for any needs that Hauser might have. Marsha informed Hauser that his package from Dow Chemical had just left Dubai and was being tracked, and he demanded to have a cobra snake. As he extracted venom from the snake’s fangs into a jar, Yonica came to Hauser’s office. She suggested that Hauser was a female trans because he didn’t like her like everyone else did. Hauser denied it, and then Yonica came onto him and flaunted her skinny figure in his face. She explained that her dad paid for her singing and dancing lessons but she no longer spoke to him, her mom was dead and her fiancé was the man in her life now. Yonica kissed Hauser, but he was disgusted and took Jesus’ name in vain so she stormed off angry that he wasn’t attracted to her. Hauser instructed Marsha to get him and Omar a reservation at a soup restaurant that night. At the restaurant, Omar wanted to meet reporter Natalie, who was at the bar talking to Ooq-Mi-Fay. Omar whisked Natalie away to the dance floor, and Omar’s bodyguards kept a close eye on Hauser so he couldn’t put the snake venom in Omar’s soup as he had planned. During a more intimate dance, Natalie was able to find out from Omar that the Americans might kill him soon and invade his country to stop the pipeline. He suggested that Natalie investigate Operation Chickenhawk. Yonica then arrived with her gang, who fired off their guns to make a grand entrance. To get Hauser’s attention, she took one of the two fighting scorpions that the drunks gambled on and put it down her pants. Yonica’s fiancé removed the scorpion from her pants as Hauser started sweating profusely. Hauser went to the bathroom, where the Viceroy’s voice told him that freedom was messy and showed him pictures of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T among others on the TV screen. Two of Yonica’s thugs then appeared and attacked Hauser, but he knocked them out. He returned to the table, where Omar left after Natalie declined a visit to his personal suite. Hauser took Natalie back to her hotel in his Humvee and explained that the River Turis was being diverted so it passed by the big event Trade Show and that was the reason for all the construction. She kissed Hauser goodnight but wouldn’t let herself have sex with him. The next day, Natalie and Hauser went to the virtual-reality room, where Natalie wanted Hauser to get her a pass out of the city so she could see Fallaf and find out if Tamerlane used chemical weapons. Hauser gave Natalie the Video Gangstas’ business card instead. Back at the expo area, Marsha freaked out over everything going on because a Vanderbilt was arriving and all they had left was a junior suite left for him. In addition, Yonica called and didn’t want to have the wedding at the expo because she felt that Hauser didn’t like her. Hauser got in a car accident on the way to talk to Yonica, but since there was no law and order he kept driving. He consulted Jerry about his problems with his shaking hands, and the car computer suggested that Hauser had Parkinson’s disease and offered to see the doctor in Dubai. Hauser brought Popeyes to Yonica and listened to her sing acapella, and he thought she was a poet. He told her she wasn’t an alien and just needed to figure out how to live in this world without having her prostitute $itch image that kids copied. Yonica’s abusive alcoholic fiancé then stumbled in drunk, pointed a gun at Hauser, swore, and then passed out. Natalie met up with the Gangstas film crew and offered them money to take her out of Emerald City, and they said that for $1,000 they would take her to Starbucks. The crew was preparing to shoot Yonica’s wedding night video and already had the triple X -rated film cover made for the porn video. Natalie paid them $50 to keep the artwork. Later on Natalie sent the cover photo to John McLaughlin, who reported live that the well-known couple were planning a pornographic video of their wedding night.Hauser spoke with Viceroy, who flashed close-ups of Pamela Anderson and Captain Kirk and told Viceroy that it was out and they had to fix the bad press. Viceroy informed Hauser the publicity caused were riots in Central Asia and the Free News Agent Network threatened to cancel the coverage because of the leaked porn film idea. In Hauser’s office, Yonica was hysterically upset with her fiancé Ooq for planning the porn video, and Omar smacked his son around and threatened to cut off one of his testicle. Hauser planned to make a fall guy out of Ooq’s friend Bhodi Bhundhang, who was in the waiting room harassing Marsha. Hauser and co decided to frame Bhodi for the porn video idea and punish him by drowning him in sheep dung, and the couple would say they knew nothing about it. Hauser arranged to announce Bhodi’s execution and planned to have Yonica do an interview on TV so she could clear her name and tell her fans that she was innocent and Bhodi tried to pimp her out. Hauser asked Marsha to get ahold Katie Couric, Al Jazeera and a hundred gallons of sheep poop. Hauser left to meet with his boss Walken, who explained that they were centurions working for the Roman Empire. Hauser wanted to quit again because his job now required him to kill innocent people instead of the bad guys. The men hugged it out, and Walken licked Hauser’s ear and then pulled a gun on him and confiscated Hauser’s gun. They battled it out in the back of a garbage truck until Hauser shot Walken and crushed him in the garbage truck. Katie Couric refused to come to Turaqistan for Yonica’s interview, so Hauser convinced Natalie to do it instead by telling her that Yonica was a spoiled girl who needed a mom and Natalie could say anything she wanted on live TV. Hauser then convinced Yonica to do the interview with Natalie. Once all together, Yonica insisted that they change the location from an outdoor set to an abandoned mansion from wartime. They broke in to the vacant home and made themselves at home eating the food and whatever wine was left. Yonica took a picture of Hauser and Natalie and then Natalie confiscated Hauser’s hot sauce. Hauser admitted that he was once married until he came home one night to find that his wife had been murdered and his young daughter Kara was taken with no note. Hauser believed that it was his fault because he had many enemies and the work he did. Hauser said he worked every day for his lost family and he didn’t have to feel anything in his line of work. Yonica questioned whether or not she should marry Ooq. Hauser was called away to handle Yonica’s gang who had just arrived, and they held him at gunpoint. They brought Hauser a short distance to Bhodi, who was furious with Hauser for trying to make him the scapegoat. Bhodi wanted to kill Hauser slowly and started by slicing a piece of his ear off. Hauser then bit Bhodi’s finger off, and Natalie and Yonica witnessed Hauser violently murdering the other bad guys. The girls took the green passes and sped off in a taxi, where Yonica had a breakdown because she believed that she had to be a whore in order to be rich and make music. Natalie told Yonica she didn’t have to marry an awful man like Ooq to do what she wanted and be wealthy.Natalie then agreed to be Yonica’s bridesmaid since Yonica hadn’t seen her comic dad since she was a baby but was told he would attend her wedding. Natalie dropped Yonica off at her hotel and then headed to her Miami Bich Hotel. Natalie called Jeff and instructed him to find out everything he could about Hauser. Marsha had a video chat with Hauser and explained that she got a message from Viceroy telling Hauser to hurry up and kill Omar already so they could leave. As it turned out, Vanderbilt couldn’t make the wedding, so Hauser sent a message to Omar’s BlackBerry inviting him to the empty room for a meeting before the wedding. Hauser then received a USB drive with a video of Natalie being held hostage by the Turaqi Liberation Army who wore ski masks. She explained that she would be executed unless the demands were met that night, and that involved Tamerlane completely leaving the country, dissolving the criminal Zionist state of Israel and recruiting LeBron James to their local basketball team. Natalie improvised the speech so she was smacked in the back of the head. Hauser recognized the voices and knew that she had been abducted the Video Gangstas. He left everything in the hands of Marsha and went to Fallaf to rescue Natalie. In devastated Fallaf, a group of little kids said there were three American women hostages. Hauser wanted only the location of dark-haired Natalie and paid the kids to show him where she was. He broke into the room where Natalie was and held all the gangsters at gunpoint. They removed their ski masks and cried for Hauser not to shoot them because they were just making movies. Hauser and Natalie ran and discovered that Hauser’s Humvee had been stripped and set on fire. The kids confirmed that they did it because he didn’t give them candy, so the under 10-year-old leader gave Hauser the middle finger. Tamerlane soldiers then attacked the city, and they shot everyone in sight with their machine guns and destroyed the buildings with missiles. A helicopter appeared and shot dead everyone in the street, but Hauser and Natalie escaped by hijacking a truck. Yonica prepared for her wedding as Ooq, who was acting out of it, spanked the female manicurist and then kissed Yonica. After the wedding, gift bags would be handed out with beer cozies, mini umbrellas and copies of Ooq’s book about how he conquered the world and fixed his dad issues. Hauser dropped Natalie off at the expo and told her to take care of Yonica, and then Hauser went to the hotel to meet with Omar in the Vanderbilt room. Omar showed up because he thought he was meeting Natalie, but then Hauser held a gun to his head once he left his guards in the hall and went alone inside the room. Hauser told Omar that somebody would kill him eventually, but it wouldn’t be Hauser so he advised Omar to increase his security and stay off the streets. Omar told Hauser that the war was everywhere and caused them to kill their brothers and strangers. Omar mentioned a garbage truck and warned Hauser that Chickenhawk was nearby, so Hauser gave Omar a $1000 tip and left. Natalie showed up as promised to be Yonica’s bridesmaid and found Yonica crying in her dressing room. The two females dressed up like hookers in the wedding attire and smoked cigarettes together. Yonica wanted to stay with Natalie in America after her wedding and made plans to tell her a-hole fiancé that she was going shopping in America but would never coming back after the wedding. The former vice president gone rogue had a video chat and gave a wedding toast to whatever God they worshiped. Hauser went to the secret room in the Popeyes to see Viceroy again. Viceroy told Hauser he was busy so Hauser broke the glass TV screen using his suitcase of money. Viceroy was behind the broken glass in a control room behind the screen and he turned out to be Walken, who hadn’t died in the garbage truck but was now in a wheelchair and head brace. The two men’s meeting was televised at the wedding ceremony for everyone to see as Walken explained to Hauser that the USA was a subdivision of Tamerlane democracy. Hauser called Walken out for killing his wife, and Walken was upset that Hauser rejected his kiss earlier. He rambled about the bubonic plague and confirmed that he killed Hauser’s wife and kidnapped his daughter to keep Hauser in his constant control. The Tamerlane soldiers then shut off the TV screens so the guests couldn’t hear Walken reveal that Hauser’s daughter Kara was actually Yonica the whore who was about to get married in a white dress. Walken laughed madly and Hauser collapsed. Walken furthered explained that he promised Yonica that her dad would be there and he was. As Yonica started her walk down the aisle, more soldiers arrived to shoot Hauser but he shot them back dead. Hauser ran out of bullets to shoot Walken with, so he put hot sauce in Walken’s eyes to prevent him from controlling the security devices with his eyes. Hauser hitched a ride on Walken’s electric wheelchair with Walken in it and shot every soldier he passed with his machine gun. He made it to the wedding before Yonica and Ooq could say their vows, and Hauser convinced Yonica that he was her dad. Natalie beat up Ooq, and Yonica wildly shot off a machine gun at the Tamerlane troop when they arrived. Everyone ran for cover. Walken ordered his soldiers to fire a Tomahawk submarine torpedo at the building to prevent anyone from escaping while he hid out in his bunker. As Walken bragged about the accuracy of his Tamerlane missiles, the torpedo malfunctioned and blew up the Popeyes where Walken was. Yonica, Natalie and Hauser escaped from the expo, and Yonica drove the escape vehicle to the exit gate. Hauser dressed up like Yonica’s ex-fiancé, so the Tamerlane guards let the newlyweds through the gate to leave Emerald City. The trio boarded a plane that was decorated for the newlyweds, and Hauser flew them out of the country with no destination in mind as another missile was launched and followed the plane. The rogue former vice president falsely reported on the news that the bombing at the Emerald City Mall was the work of terrorists from Ugikistan, who were trying to get ahold of nuclear weapons. The ex- VP spoke on behalf of America and declared that they wouldn’t let the Ugikis achieve their goal, so Tamerlane was awarded a contract to attack Ugikistan as retaliation. They planned to look like the hero saving the day despite the fact that the criminal ex-VP and Tamerlane were the responsible party for the war. This movie had a budget of $10 million and grossed over $1 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Pete Hammond, Box Office Magazine, “Really funny…recalls movies like Dr. Strangelove and Wag the Dog!”

DATE REVIEWED: 10/11/25

TITLE: Snatched

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2017 20th Century Fox / Chernin Entertainment / Feigco Entertainment / TSG Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is about a mother and her adult daughter kidnapped in Ecuador in 2017. It began in New York City, where Emily Louise Middleton worked at a clothing store in the mall. Emily used vulgar language and was rude to customers and her boss Lew, fired Emily on the spot because she bragged about getting wasted on alcohol and joints during her upcoming vacation to Ecuador with her boyfriend Michael. Michael’s breakout band was about to become popular fast and have instant overnight fame. Trash-mouthed white girl Emily met up with her Asian boyfriend Michael, and Michael broke up with her over lunch. Michael explained that the place he was going with his band’s stardom was full of sex with multiple people, so he was leaving Emily because she was going nowhere and she was just one female and that wasn’t enough for sex addict Michael. Emily’s concerned mom Linda Middleton left messages for Emily telling her to be safe. Linda searched the Internet to help her depressed cat and then sought an online love match for herself using a pop-up Match dating website. Linda tried to create a profile stating that Linda Middleton loved Grey’s Anatomy, adventure and had a cat named Philip among many other cats. Emily ignored her mom’s messages and asked around to find someone else who would go to Ecuador with her because the tickets were non-refundable. Linda browsed the criminal justice department website for sex offenders in White Plains, New York, where she lived. Linda then received a social media message informing her that Emily’s status on her Facebook account was now single. Linda made a not-so-nice comment about Michael on Emily’s wall, which was not private and could be seen by anyone. Linda and Emily had an online posting argument that ended in Linda inviting her daughter on the phone to visit her since they hadn’t seen each other in three weeks. Emily took a taxi to Linda’s house, where her Harry Potter look-alike adult brother Jeffrey lived. Linda warned Emily not to bother Jeffrey about his agoraphobia (being in crowded places and fear of leaving home), but the two had a sibling rivalry. The brother and sister had a nasty argument with each other at breakfast about gay stuff until Linda broke it up. Emily checked into her old bedroom and continued calling around for a friend to take the all-expenses-paid South American vacation with her. Always hungry Emily then spilled food on her shirt and borrowed one of Linda’s shirts from her mom’s closet. Emily found Linda’s old photo album that was full of pictures of her mom attending concerts and partying. Emily sought her mom out and told Linda they were going to Ecuador together because Linda used to be a fun person but now she just went to the Y and took failed sculpting classes. Linda was skeptical but Emily convinced her mom for the sake of women in power everywhere they must go and not let band junky Michael win. The Middleton females flew to Ecuador and took a taxi to their hotel. Linda gave Emily a dog whistle to use as a rape whistle. They couldn’t change their room to one with two queen beds, so they were forced to share a romantic room with a king-sized bed. At poolside, Linda caught up with daughter who had already eaten without her and was drinking heavy amounts of alcohol at 2 pm. They both agreed it was gross that grandfathers were dating females their granddaughters’ age. Emily told her mom that her runaway dad (now divorced from Linda) was still in Florida with his girlfriend Susan. The Middletons then met Ruth, who was on vacation. Ruth informed them that the world outside the gates of the resort was not safe because tourists frequently got kidnapped. Ruth was there with her friend Barb, ex-Special Ops, who cut her own tongue out so she wouldn’t be interrogated if captured after she left the military. Ruth gave Linda her number to have dinner sometime. Emily drank more at the bar and discovered that ex Michael had already posted pictures of his new girlfriend on Instagram. A few chairs down at the bar, a British man named James sat with Emily, and he showed her a tattoo he got when he was drunk that depicted the face of a man and the words “My wife.” Emily pulled her dress up and showed James and everyone else her huge tattoo on her lower back. Over more drinks, James bragged about his trips to Egypt, Iran and Japan. Ruth and Barb came over to a table that James and Emily sat at hours later and made sure Emily was okay, and they made a scene and threatened James not to take advantage of Emily under the influence of heavy alcohol. Emily freshened up in the ladies’ bathroom and washed her private parts, and James saw her from the men’s bathroom line when the door opened. Emily and James left on his motorcycle and rode far away from the resort to a nighttime bonfire. They drank heavily and partied, and James brought Emily back to the resort hours later. James informed the very drunk Emily that her boob somehow got out of her dress, so she put it back. James announced that he would pick her up the next morning for another adventure and she should bring mom Linda. Emily returned to the room, where she knocked over the ice jar. Linda was waiting for Emily to return. Emily explained that she twerked with a lady and learned the capoa dance (she back kicked a local during it and it knocked him to the ground). Emily ripped the pages out of her mom’s book and put them in the breast area out of her dress so Linda couldn’t read the ending until she went with Emily and James on the “fun” trip off the safe premises of the hotel. The next day, with James driving, the trio took a Jeep to a remote beach where they shared drinks that James wouldn’t identify the contents of. James convinced Emily and Linda to head back to the resort taking the scenic route via the rainbows and waterfalls road. They drove through a poverty-stricken neighborhood, where Emily lost cell service and Linda was concerned by it all. A white van pulled up alongside the Jeep, and Linda saw the two men inside put on ski masks. She told James to take them back to the resort, but he refused and kept driving until they found a stopping place. The white van then came out of nowhere and smashed hard into the Jeep, and Emily and Linda were kidnapped. Emily woke up in a cell with her mom and freaked out. Linda read a porn magazine that she pretended was farming to stay calm. Emily was worried about James, and Linda informed her donkey daughter that scammer James was part of their abduction. Emily screamed about the blood on the wall and the scorpion on the floor, but Linda remained calm and collected and told Emily she shouldn’t trust strange men in a foreign country. Hector Morgado and his thug gang then entered the cell and went through Emily’s purse that they had taken. They asked for the PIN number for Emily’s credit card and information about the women, and since they didn’t have husbands Morgado called Jeffrey to get the ransom money. Morgado demanded $100,000 by wire transfer the next day for the release of Jeffrey’s mother and sister. Jeffrey was in the middle of a piano lesson with his tween boy student Jacob, and he thought it was a prank call and threatened to call the police on Morgado. Morgado gave their names to prove it was real and promised to call Jeffrey back. The Latino gang of kidnappers had to move the Middletons to a different location, so they put them in the trunk of their car. When the car stopped at a gas station, Linda and Emily were able to escape from the trunk and started running. Emily tripped in her flip-flops and fell, and then she tried to flag down a passing truck but the driver wouldn’t stop. Emily and Linda with her bad knees jumped into the back of the truck, and the kidnapper ran after them. Emily found a shovel in the truck and hit the man hard in the head with it and he lay motionless in the road as the truck left the area with the American women in the back. The scared truck driver later stopped and shouted at Emily and Linda in Spanish, and they figured out that Morgado was the ringleader. The driver left, so the two women walked to a small town and used the phone to call Morgan Russell at the US State Department. They told him their situation, and he told them that they had been taken to Colombia and gave them an address to get to the US Embassy in Bogota, the Colombian capital. Morgan informed the Middletons that it was there choice to travel and most of Colombia was safe, except for the very dangerous Puerto Matias where they currently were. Morgan advised them to trust no one and hung up. The Middletons called Barb and Ruth for help but were disconnected. The American females asked the bartender about a bus, but it wasn’t available for three days. Roger Simmons, an American man then offered to take Emily and Linda down the Amazon in his boat to Bogota. Roger bought the ladies dinner and claimed that they were safe with him. As they were eating, Morgado and his gang recaptured the women while Roger was away getting his boat ready for the trip. Morgado explained that the Americans came there to vacation and took everything from the locals giving nothing in return. The man that Emily killed was Morgado’s only nephew. Emily whined that she was a bad person and never voted but Linda argued that Emily was okay. Morgado added that the custom was to take Emily’s life for his nephew’s life, and he didn’t make the rules. Linda distracted the men with chanting and dancing and told Emily to use a nearby spear gun as a threat. When Emily grabbed the spear gun, it went off into Morgado’s only son’s neck and killed him. Morgado screamed at his gang to kill the Middletons, so they ran off with Roger and escaped on his boat. Meanwhile, Jeffrey repeatedly called Morgan for help, but he told Jeffrey to stop calling and explained that the State Department no longer had an A-Team to rescue rogue American tourists who got themselves lost and in trouble in South America. Linda was upset that she would have to spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder because the Colombian kidnapper would be hunting them down after Emily killed off two of his relatives. However, Emily believed that Linda wasn’t being a good parent for feeling that way and not consoling her daughter. Indiana Jones Roger was looking for adventure and was happy to learn that a boat a few miles behind them was looking for two American women. He took them in a small canoe on the Amazon, and they camped out in the jungle that night. Roger explained that he had only been in the area for three weeks and he used to be a GM at the Trader Joe’s in Rochester. He said the doctor diagnosed him with cancer and he now only had a week to live, so he wanted to have an adventure before he died. The next morning, Linda was skeptical about following the Trader Joe cashier because he couldn’t tell which plants were poisonous or what was good water to drink. They came upon a ravine, and Roger decided they would swing across on a vine like apes. He went first since he was the man, but the vine snapped halfway across and he fell to his death below. Jeffrey made his 13th call to Morgan, who explained that he contacted the consulate office in Bogota and they put out a bulletin about Jeffrey’s missing relatives to the Colombian police and military. Jeffrey searched Facebook for personal information about Morgan and asked him what his wife Joanne would think. Morgan was irate and believed that Jeffrey was threatening Morgan’s family, so the federal worker threatened to put Jeffrey in federal prison to be raped multiple times if Jeffrey called Morgan again. Morgan called Jeffrey back, and Jeffrey used a disguised voice and identified himself as Derrick Black (knowing Morgan was a black man). Morgan declared that he had Jeffrey’s address and would show up at his house to take care of the threat that Jeffrey made. Jeffrey donned gloves and a face mask (like pandemic china virus time) and went outside. Morgado and his gang searched the jungle and found Roger’s JCPenney hat that he lost. Linda and Emily discovered that the map they were following was a placemat from the bar and Roger was full of crap about knowing his way around. The two of them argued about how Linda sacrificed her whole life raising Emily and Jeffrey, and Emily was ungrateful and hateful after she became an adult and only visited Linda when she wanted something. Emily then passed out cold, so Linda dragged her to a shack where Dr. Armando and his assistant Maco were in the middle of the jungle. Dr. Maco searched for local plants that could possibly cure cancer. After Emily passed out, she crapped herself and Dr. Armando took a stool sample. He tested it and discovered that Emily was sick from a parasite tapeworm in her body and it made her very hungry. There was no medicine to cure the worm, so Armando and Maco planned to lure the worm out through Emily’s throat by dangling meat in front of it. The long worm emerged from Emily’s mouth and the two men started pulling it out, but Emily freaked out and held the doctors at bay with a broom. They were able to catch Emily and finally remove the worm, Later on, the villagers gave Emily a Kanye-style jacket to wear as part of their tradition. Emily noticed that the women worked all day carrying water jugs back and forth while the men did nothing, which Armando called providing protection. After that, Linda was amazed to see Emily helping the women with the water jugs and announced that Dr. Armando got them a ride to Bogota. However, gunshots went off nearby, and Dr. Armando came running and explained that the dangerous gang was looking for the Americans and they blocked the entrance. The Middletons ran off, and Linda put Emily in the lift alone and pulled the lever so Emily could get to safety across the ravine. Linda stayed behind and was captured by the bad guys, and Emily made her way to the Embassy in Bogota. The Embassy worker had the Middletons’ belongings brought over from the hotel, including Linda’s book “What The Ocean Sees,” and he told Emily that they knew nothing about Linda but they would get Emily to safety. The official repeated that it was his third day working there and no one else was around, so he wanted Emily to leave without her mom and not make a scene because he didn’t know what he was doing, but she refused. Jeffrey showed up at Morgan’s office in Washington DC, and he used martial arts moves on Jeffrey and called security. Jeffrey explained that he never left the house because he was afraid of germs, and his mom and sister were all he had and he would only have Morgan to annoy using his Game of Thrones multiple book expertise if anything happened to them. Morgan suddenly found manpower at his disposal to search for the missing Americans, and he ordered Jeffrey leave the room because he was a nerd and spoke Klingon. Emily called Barb and Ruth, who instructed her to meet them at the president apartments in 19 hours. When Emily arrived, she found James tied up. Ruth explained that Barb found James trying to scam another American girl, so Barb captured him and put him in her car. Ruth was irate that she didn’t get to go to the Arizona Gem Show and she had to stay there and mess with human traffickers. After visual threats from Barb with an iron, a pointed spear and bleach and few words from Ruth threatening to use them on James in his private part area, he told them that Linda was taken to Esmeraldas. James tried to sweet-talk Emily with compliments before she left, but Barb and Ruth gave her a stern look so she changed her mind and left with them and told James in his dreams. They donned bulletproof vests and headed to the apartment building in Esmeraldas, where they stealthily snuck around the many men standing guard. Barb and Ruth jumped onto the back of a truck to get by the guys in the next room over, but then the truck drove off before Emily could join them. One of the guards was distracted by a soccer game on TV, so Emily snuck past and broke the lock on the door. She found Linda in a room face-down on the floor with a shiv she made as Emily had wanted to do when they were first captured. They were happy to see each other, and Emily cried in her mom’s arms because she had always been there for Emily no matter what time of day or night and Linda was her best friend who she loved most and was thankful that her mom raised her all through the years and didn’t abandon her family like her dad did. Emily and Linda got out by way of a Panaderia Lopez truck and tried to hijack a green KIA Soul, but Morgado trapped them in with his own black SUV. They rolled the window up on his fingers; so Morgado smashed the window in with his fist and dragged Emily through the glass shards. Morgado choked Emily so Linda jumped on him, and then Emily kicked Morgado to the ground with her newly learned dance move. Morgado pulled out his gun to shoot Emily, but Linda saved them both by blowing her rape dog whistle so a vicious dog attacked Morgado. Emily and Linda argued over who would shoot and kill Morgado, and then the Colombian and America military arrived. Morgado threatened to kill the Middletons as he was arrested and taken away. Jeffrey was there too in full-body armor giving orders to the soldiers, so Morgan screamed at Jeffrey to shut up. Jeffrey reunited with his family who thought he accomplished the rescue by performing gay sexual favors on the men. Morgan took the gun away from Emily and gave Jeffrey the middle finger after Jeffery had just thanked Morgan. Jeffrey wanted to go home because he couldn’t stand being out of the house.Meanwhile, the truck that Barb and Ruth hitched a ride on eventually stopped and they ran off. One year later, Emily and Linda were volunteering in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia). They hung out at another local outdoor bar, and Emily told a man there that she was happy to be with her mom because her mom was f-ing awesome. This movie had a budget of $42 million and grossed over $60 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Derek Wright, WSVN-TV (Fox/Miami) Deco Drive, “The funniest movie of the year.” Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune “Four out of four stars.” Mark S. Allen, ABC-TV, “A dream team not to be missed!”

DATE REVIEWED: 10/9/25

TITLE: Milk

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Universal Pictures / Focus Features / Axon Films / Groundswell Productions / Jinks / Cohen Company Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie was based on a true story and began in the 1960’s, when the police arrested dozens of homosexuals at bars around the country for misconduct as reporters filmed the gay men. In 1978, Harvey Milk recorded himself talking about his life as a gay activist. He didn’t want the recording to be heard until after he was assassinated, and he stated that everything he did was to start the gay movement. Soon after in San Francisco, the President of the Board of Supervisors announced that Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk were murdered. The movie then went back to 1970 In New York City where Harvey used his gaydar to find a much younger fellow gay man named Scott Smith to celebrate his birthday night with. Harvey confirmed that he worked for an insurance company and not AT&T, and Scott was from Jackson, Mississippi. The two men kissed on the spot, and then Harvey convinced Scott to have sex with him after a few drinks at Harvey’s place. Harvey told Scott where all the New York police were and which areas to avoid since being openly gay was unacceptable and Harvey didn’t want to lose his job if he was discovered. Harvey said wasn’t proud of anything he had done in his 40 years and told his lover Scott next to him in bed that he needed a change and didn’t think he would live to see 50. Harvey and Scott packed their bags and moved to San Francisco, where the only place that would accept the gay lovers in 1972 was a small Irish Catholic neighborhood in the Eureka Valley. Scott cashed his last unemployment check and spent the money on pot. Harvey suggested they open a Castro Camera shop by renting the space below their apartment. McConnely, a neighbor business across the street, informed Harvey and Scott that there was man’s law and God’s law. The two male lovers then made out on the street and decided to start their own association since they couldn’t join the local merchants’ association. Harvey wanted to find more gay people in the city and revive the city, but Scott couldn’t understand why Harvey was being such a political activist because he thought Harvey was a Republican. Harvey’s plan was to go one block at the time and then take over the neighborhood with gay pride. Hundreds of gay men from around the world showed up Harvey’s neighborhood, and there was no love between the gays and the police, who Harvey claimed would beat up the gays for no reason. McConnely’s business was booming with all the gay customers and he didn’t mind the profits, and underage kids showed up looking for a home with Harvey. The people that supported gay rights were successful, but the people who didn’t soon went out of business. A bunch of successful gay people hung around Harvey’s shop, and there were also non-gays such as Allan Baird who recruited the gays to help him boycott Coors beer. A week later, the teamsters’ union caved and hired openly gay people at Coors. From then on, Harvey was known as the Mayor of Castro Street. One night, the police dragged gay patrons out of the Toad Hall bar and they rioted against the officers on the streets. The news interviewed a gay person who claimed that it was police brutality, and Harvey and his gang got involved. Harvey treated Scott’s head wound and wished there were gay people in politics who could help the gay citizens in the same way black politicians helped the black community. Harvey described politics as a theater, where the drama queen got the most attention. When a gay man was found dead on the street, there were no witnesses to solve the crime and Harvey told the police that there would be more witnesses if it were a dead officer. Harvey stood up on a soapbox and used a bullhorn to tell his fellow gays that they were being brutally attacked and persecuted by the police. He declared that the political focus should be on legalizing marijuana and gun control and not banning books. Harvey announced that he was running for San Francisco City Supervisor, and he began his rigorous campaign by handing out flyers and talking to people in the street to get their vote. Gay Harvey’s goals in office were expanding the public library, lowering fares on public transport, starting more youth rec programs and defunding the police. Harvey believed he had a better use for taxpayers’ money than the current administration, and he stood for senior housing and minorities. Harvey told a teen queer boy named Cleve Jones that he wouldn’t have to be beat up in Phoenix, Arizona anymore once they started in that neighborhood and fixed police brutality, rent control, marijuana, parks and elderly people because the movement eventually would be countrywide. Harvey tried to recruit Cleve to fight City Hall and the police, but Cleve, who was a known male prostitute, wasn’t interested and was leaving for Spain the following day. As Harvey’s campaign ended, he needed a big endorsement. Harvey then received a death threat letter that he believed the police wrote, and he joked that if he were murdered then it would be the victory they needed in order to advance the gay moment. Harvey and Scott visited the top gays in the area, David Goodstein and civil rights lawyer Rick Stokes. Scott swam nude in the pool, and David told Harvey that he used to work for a large corporation in New York. They fired him when they discovered he was gay, so he moved to San Francisco and bought The Advocate that he used to help the gay community in a discreet way. Harvey wanted David’s endorsement, but David compared his magazine to the Catholic church which welcomed converts but didn’t make them Pope the same day. David didn’t like the Castro because it was about sex and drugs and nobody worked there. Harvey informed David that he was the movement and not just a candidate, and there was a difference between the two that David couldn’t see. Harvey refused to go back in the closet as David told him to do and left without David’s endorsement. Harvey lost the election and came in tenth out of 32 candidate and 6 seats, so he tried again in 1975. Harvey changed his hippie look to a blue-collar businessman and gave up pot. Harvey lost the election again, but he and the gay movement had more votes than before. In 1976, Harvey ran for a state assembly seat instead of the city supervisor and he went up against the Democratic candidate Art Agnos who was deemed the political machine. The candidates debated, and Art stated that he had been a social worker in Sacramento and had experience. Harvey reminded Art about Robert Hillsborough, the man who was stabbed 15 times walking home with his lover. The murder went unsolved because Robert was gay. The political pressure got to Scott, who kicked out all the men who were helping the campaign so he could serve dinner to Harvey who was neglecting his health. Scott threatened to stab Harvey with his fork if he talked about politics anymore. One night as Harvey walked home, a stranger followed him. Cleve was waiting outside the camera shop, so he and Harvey went inside. Harvey stayed up late because of the upcoming election and listened to Cleve’s explanation about his failed relationship with his gay loverin Spain. Cleve told Harvey about his experience in Barcelona, Spain, where a group of gay people put on a pride demonstration. They didn’t back down from the police and instead started a riot, and a drag queen was hit by a bullet but the he-she kept on fighting for gay rights. Harvey then wanted to have a gay revolution in the USA, and with three hours left until the election he and Cleve went into the streets to get more votes. Anita Bryant, spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission, was the star of orange juice commercials and sang about Jesus, and she was against the gays. She set out to repeal the Dade County law that protected homosexuals and provided housing for them because she believed that it went against America’s founding principles and religious family values. Harvey didn’t win the election in California, but then there was a redistricting for Castro and the Haight to be encompassed together. It was a sure win for gay Harvey because the only votes they needed were the gay and hippie ones which they already had, so Harvey was convinced to run again and become the first openly gay man elected to US public office. The Dade County, Florida law was repealed, and Anita announced on the Walter Cronkite show that the normal people had enough and wanted their real honest-to-God Christian values again. Soon after, Harvey received a call from a wheelchair-bound teen Paul, who had seen Harvey’s picture in the local Minnesota paper. Paul planned on killing himself because his parents wanted to commit him to a hospital for being gay. Harvey told underage Paul that God didn’t hate him and there was nothing wrong him, and he advised Harvey to go to a big city like LA or New York and run away from home. However, Paul wouldn’t leave and hung up. The gay activists in California who were angry about Anita’s victory gathered outside and planned to riot, and Scott unhappily watched as Harvey took the stage. Harvey got the police’s permission for a march in order to prevent a riot, so they marched their anger out on the streets and chanted, “Gay rights now.” On the steps of the State Capitol building, Harvey addressed the crowd and told them that it was time to fight all the Anitas around the country because she had just created their national gay force. Harvey twisted up HIS Christian values and declared that the gay community would give Anita hope because they were truly part of the world and their voice would count. Harvey’s new political campaign focused on hope for everyone. In 1977, California changed their laws so that the districts could elect their own people to office. Chintatown could have a Chinese rep while blacks could have their own black rep. The Castro district could choose between Harvey, a gay person or Dan White, an ex-cop in the Irish Catholic area who didn’t support the gay movement. Scott was done with the political scene and broke up with Harvey and moved out and wanted no more gay campaigns in his life. Harvey then hired lesbian Anne Kronenberg to take Scott’s place as campaign manager, and she planned to call The Chronicle to get the campaign going. Anne got Harvey and gay company their first ever newspaper endorsement, and Harvey was ecstatic. Harvey stayed behind at the shop while the others went to the bar to drink and celebrate. Jack Lira, a Latino guy off the street from a different country (possibly illegal), came to the door and Harvey brought him inside where they had sex. When the district election arrived in 1977, Harvey voted for himself. He won the election, and it looked like New Year’s Eve on the streets of the Castro as the gay crowds celebrated. Scott came back, and Harvey wouldn’t let David join the party (since David didn’t back Harvey) but pulled his mentally challenged new lover Jack in. A Channel 5 News reporter thought the gay people would take over the straight people, but Harvey reassured her that he would represent everyone as city supervisor. Harvey was sworn into office in 1978, and Dan White, Carol Ruth Silver and Gordon Lau were elected to the other seats. Harvey and Dan went on The Morning Show. Dan revealed he was a firefighter and a police officer before he went into politics. Harvey told Dan that the cops didn’t like him and he didn’t like the police, but the firemen liked gay Harvey so the firemen were the true heroes. Cleve visited Harvey at his new office, and Harvey told his followers that their first order of business was to enact a citywide Gay Rights Ordinance like the one Anita repealed. They wanted to get Anita’s attention in Florida so they could battle it out with her on their own turf in San Francisco, California. They didn’t believe Dan White would be onboard with that, so Harvey wanted to educate Dan about the gays. Dan stuck his head in the office and then invited Harvey and his group to his child’s christening, and Harvey agreed to go and would even be christened if it meant he could get Dan’s vote for the gay ordinance. Harvey’s friends wouldn’t let Jack into Harvey’s apartment, so Jack broke in. Jack made dinner for Harvey, who promised to make Jack a key as long as he didn’t break in again. Dan and his wife Mary Ann watched as the priest christened their son Charles at the church. Afterward, Dan told Harvey that he would help him with his gay agenda if Harvey kept the proposed psychiatric hospital full of rapists and arsonists out of Dan’s Catholic district. Harvey’s gay advisors told him to vote for the hospital in Dan’s district, but Harvey refused because he believed that Dan was a closet gay. Anne informed them that Anita’s person in California was Senator John Briggs, who was petitioning to fire all gay teachers in the state and whoever supported them. The courts ruled that teachers could not be fired from the schools based on their sexuality. Briggs gave a press conference about his petition to ban homosexual teachers, who indoctrinated God’s children, and he was only a man but God was in charge and HE was the foundation of America. Harvey told the news that Anita had already created a Germany effect in the country by stating that the Muslims and the Jews were going to hell, and Harvey’s wasn’t going to allow the bigotry to happen in California. Harvey then went to someone’s house for a meeting with fellow politicians, where his lover Jack locked himself in the closet upstairs. Harvey was warned not to create a scene because Phil Burton, an important politician who could help the gay movement, was in attendance. Harvey wasn’t pleased about the new flyer that the politicians designed because there was nothing gay in it and it focused on human rights so he burned it. Harvey wanted gay everywhere because it was just as good as straight. Harvey told his gay followers that their goal was to make the 10% gay people equal to the 90% straight people and get the power. He declared that everyone, from the lawyers, and doctors to themselves and everyone else, needed to tell their families and friends that they were gay so those people would vote for the gay agenda. Harvey convinced Dick Pabich to call his parents and tell them he was gay on the spot. Scott was there and he didn’t feel it was right for Harvey to use kids for his movement by telling them to tell their parents they were gay. Jack wasn’t happy that Harvey and Scott had a quiet conversation alone together after the meeting was over. Another day, the California supervisors came together in a court session, and Harvey went against Dan and voted for the mental hospital in Dan’s district. Dan was angry that Harvey betrayed him and threatened to vote against Harvey’s queer law, but dirty Harvey argued that they didn’t need Dan’s vote anyway.The news reported that the citizens of Minnesota and Oregon were voting on whether or not to repeal special protection for gays, and Wichita voted to repeal gay rights. Harvey’s California group made hundreds of calls and connected with gay people around the country to win votes in the states they were losing special gay rights. More angry people gathered in the streets of San Francisco to protest their loss of Wichita, so Harvey gave Cleve the bullhorn and told him to march the crowd to City Hall. The mob then violently attacked a cable car so it went off its track and downed an electrical pole. The people chanted “Civil rights or civil war. Gay rights now,” and then the gays chant changed to another chant that called Anita a liar and threatened to set her hair on fire. Scott took Harvey on his motorcycle and dropped him off at City Hall, where Harvey pushed a police officer aside on his way out of the building after Harvey used the bathroom. By then the crowd had arrived and Harvey got through and used his famous line that he wanted to recruit the gay crowd. The next day over Chinese lunch, Harvey and his gang discussed how if they lost Proposition 6 they would have no gay rights in all 50 states. To get publicity for Harvey and his picture in the paper, they created a city ordinance that all dog owners must clean up their pet’s poop. Soon after, the San Francisco gay ordinance was voted on, and Dan was the only supervisor out of 11 that voted it down. The ordinance was passed, and Mayor George Moscone signed it into law. Harvey whispered to mayor George during their photo shoot that the gay community had his back as long as he helped them with Senator Briggs. Harvey stopped by Dan’s office, and Dan refused to support gay rights because he had family values and two men couldn’t reproduce. Harvey wanted them to work together on something, so Dan suggested that Harvey get pay raises for their jobs. Dan couldn’t support his family on the low salary of a supervisor, and pointed out that Harvey didn’t have to worry because his Castro camera business he had on the side. Harvey then was treated to a huge birthday party with a cake resembling the Capitol building. Scott was there as his boyfriend’s plus-one, and he gave Harvey a birthday kiss on the lips. Dan was under the influence of hard liquor when he met up with Harvey outside the party, and Dan figured out that the dog poop trick worked because Harvey got the support of the other voters after Harvey’s news publicity of the poop ordinance. The news outlets interviewed people, who stated that it was wrong for the gays to try and change the morals of the USA. In 1978, the Gay Freedom Day Parades united the gays around the country. Harvey participated in one of the parades with signs supported gay teachers and school workers. Anne gave Harvey a postcard in the USPS mail with a death threat that Harvey would have the first bullet when he spoke at the microphone. However, the whole nation was watching so Harvey went onstage anyway and encouraged his brothers and sisters to come out to their friends and families in order to support gay people everywhere. Harvey quoted the Statue of Liberty and the Declaration of Independence and declared that those words guaranteed rights for the gays that Senator Briggs and Anita couldn’t take away from them. The gay crowd misused GOD’s rainbow that confused HIS children and raised a rainbow pride flag. Dan told the news that the gay parade was the only parade that allowed people to walk around naked to show their pride. Senator Briggs arrived in town but the mayor, Harvey and the police wouldn’t let him be near the gay parade.Harvey and Briggs agreed to have a public debate at the Walnut Creek school. Briggs pointed out that gay people didn’t have children and therefore gay people wanted to indoctrinate other people’s children to be gay. Harvey argued that children wouldn’t copy their teachers (which was not true as children copy adults and other children). Harvey felt that they were losing against Proposition 6, so he had another debate with Briggs in Orange County. Harvey accused Briggs of being on a power trip, and Briggs argued that 95% of teachers were heterosexual and kids shouldn’t be around homosexual teachers. Harvey hounded Dan and wanted his vote on the Police Desegregation Settlement in exchange for Harvey’s vote on the pay raises that Dan wanted. Dan was out of sorts because the pressure of not having enough money and taking care of a new baby was getting to him. Dan told Harvey he didn’t barter his vote in politics. Harvey had taken a call earlier from Jack and told him he would be home at 6:15. However, when Harvey arrived home he discovered that Jack had another mental breakdown and taped notes to the walls and stairs. Jack had supposedly hung himself inside the apartment while Harvey was at work. Harvey later told his ex-lover Scott that he believed that he should have come home earlier at 6:00. As it turned out, this was the fourth male lover of Harvey’s who so-called died by suicide. Scott consoled Harvey. Harvey stated that he had no time to mourn Jack’s death because he had to fight for gay rights. More people voted for Proposition 6 than against it and Anita, Jimmy Carter and priests encouraged others to vote for it. Harvey told Cleve that if Proposition 6 was passed and gays were banned from teaching, they would need to fight like hell and create massive riots to protest it. Paul, the teen from Minnesota, called Harvey to tell him that he decided not to kill himself thanks to Harvey. Paul made it to LA from Minnesota, where he just turned 18 and voted against Proposition 6. Harvey and his gay followers won all the districts in the area as they kept track on in their white, red, and green color map, except for Dan’s district that they weren’t sure about, so the gays celebrated anyway because the proposition 6 failed in California. Dan watched on TV as Mayor George Moscone supported Harvey onstage. Harvey gave a speech and told everyone that gay people were not sick minded and were equal to heterosexual people and their families and friends. Soon after, Dan gave mayor George his resignation and told Harvey about it. Dan was called next door to the offices of the police door because the police received word of Dan’s resignation too. Harvey was concerned why Dan resigned because he was the one vote against the gay agenda and didn’t know what business the police association had with Dan so Harvey went to mayor George’s office and told him he was up for re-election and would lose the gay vote if he reappointed Dan. At home, Dan received a phone call from Barbara Taylor from KCBS who told him he wasn’t getting his job back, but he said he knew nothing about it and hung up on Taylor. Harvey went to the Tosca opera and called Scott to tell him about it in the middle of the night afterwards. Scott said that he would go with Harvey the next time and was proud of him. The next day, Dan snuck into the city building through a window and lied to an employee that he still worked there as a city supervisor. Dan went to the mayor’s office and the secretary let him in to see George. Meanwhile, Harvey showed up at work and learned that they were getting a new city supervisor that day to replace Dan. His assistant Diane told him he should avoid Dan at all costs and not make a scene if Dan showed his face. Inside the mayor’s office, Dan argued with George about getting his job back, but the mayor wouldn’t let him have it back because Dan resigned. Dan pulled out a gun and shot George three times, and then he walked calmly out of the room. Dan then made his way to Harvey’s office in the building. Once there, Dan invited Harvey into his old office, where he shot Harvey multiple times. The last thing Harvey saw before George shot him in the head was the building across the street where he attended the Tosca opera. Scott and Anne stopped in at Harvey’s eulogy where few were in attendance so they decided to go to the Castro, where 30,000 had gathered to hold a candlelit vigil in honor of Harvey and Mayor George. Harvey believed that gay people should be put in public of office so they could represent what Harvey believed were hundreds of thousands of gays across the country. Harvey finished his recorded eulogy message and explained that he wanted the gay movement to continue with many more thousands of people coming out of the closet. The gay movement included blacks, Asians, seniors and disabled who were called the “us’s,” and life was about hope. The movie ended with written jargon about how Dan White’s lawyers claimed that his junk food diet led to a chemical imbalance that made him kill two people, and the news called it “The Twinkie Defense.” Dan received a minimum charge for both murders of manslaughter given by the jury. That led to “The White Night Riots” when the gay community violently rose up in the streets to protest the lenient sentence given to Dan. Nobody was arrested for the riots. Dan White was only in prison for 5 years before he to San Francisco and supposedlycommitted suicide. Scott Smith continued supporting Harvey’s cause but died of AIDs in 1995. Anne Kronenberg became a mother of three and Deputy Director of the Department of Public Health in San Francisco. Dick Pabich and Jim Rivaldo, members of Harvey’s group, spent two decades helping gay supporters get elected to public office. Danny Nicoletta used his photography skills to document the 30-year movement of the LGBTQ community. Cleve Jones continued his work as an activist and created the NAMES Project AIDS Memorial Quilt in 1987 to remember the HIV pandemic. Harvey’s ashes were spread out to sea near the Golden Gate Bridge. This movie had a budget of $20 million and grossed over $54 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, “An American classic. Four stars!” and “A total triumph!”

DATE REVIEWED: 10/7/25

TITLE: Assassination of a High School President

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Sony Pictures Releasing / Yari Film Group / Vertigo Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place at St. Donovan’s Catholic High School and began with sophomore Bobby Funke, a reporter for the school newspaper, investigating the crooked goings-on at school because everyone from the jocks to the drama queens, the elites and the burn-outs were turning in the same wrong test answers. Clara Diaz, the editor in chief, wouldn’t let Bobby write a story about his findings because he had no proof and never finished what he started. Clara refused to go to homecoming with Bobby, and he wasn’t pleased that she was going with Tad Goltz. Clara then assigned Bobby to write a story about senior Paul Moore, the student body president, and Bobby agreed since he was hoping to get into a summer journalism program at Northwestern University. Bobby shared a class with Francesca Fachini, Paul’s girlfriendwho everybody thought was hot. Bobby interviewed Paul in the boys’ locker room. Paul remembered Bobby as the person who got tied to the snowman penis. The teen boys continued the interview in the shower room, where Paul and several other boys were nude. Paul, being a jock, couldn’t answer Bobby’s questions about how to improve the students’ test scores. The Catholic male Spanish teacher Padre Newell shared the shower with the boys and the adult sang as he washed along with the teen boys. Later on, Paul played in a game with his basketball team, and Tad was the announcer. Bobby told Tad that Paul had no idea what he was doing as president. The teen boys watched as the teen girl cheerleaders spread their legs in their short skirts and rolled around on the floor in front of them. Bobby tried to get an interview with Marlon Piazza, vice-president of the student council and Francesca’s stepbrother, but the other council members mean teen boys pushed Bobby out of the way and wouldn’t let Bobby near Marlon. Matt Mullen was the lead hall monitor and a known date-rapist, and his brother Marty Mullen was the class secretary and former child’s underwear model. Paul got injured in the game and hurt his knee, and then the team lost the game. That night, there was a break-in at school that Bobby compared to Nixon’s Watergate. Principal Jared T. Kirkpatrick called in his usual list of delinquents for questioning, and Bobby’s name was newly added to the list. The troublemaker students discussed gay sex with Bobby as they waited in line outside the principal’s office. Sam Landis, a teen female showed up late and principal Kirkpatrick commented that he didn’t go to the strip club and knock the male body part out of her mouth. Catholic principal Kirkpatrick told the students that he thought they turned out so bad because their parents spoiled them or sexually abused them, but nonetheless he wanted to find out which one of them stole the SAT tests from his office the previous night. Principal Kirkpatrick razzed the student Cipriato and taught him how to say “don’t’ shoot” in Arabic because the principal had military experience with Arabs overseas. That afternoon, Francesca flirted with Bobby in the men’s bathroom and convinced him to find the SAT tests because she claimed that she aced her test but now couldn’t remember any of the answers. Bobby tried to interview a student who was blew up the school film reels, but he was uncooperative and stated that he was busy having sex the previous night. In class, Cipriato buttoned his pants back up as the Spanish teacher walked near and handed out test results. Bobby agreed to let Cirpriato copy his homework in exchange for information about where Cipriato was the previous night, so he revealed that he was playing bingo with his grandma. Bobby followed Sam after school and discovered that she was secretly an ice skater. Sam explained that the theft happened during the game because she was having sex in the parking lot with Dutch Middleton when she saw flashlights in Kirkpatrick’s office. Another Catholic student claimed that he spent the previous night in jail after getting caught with drugs. As principal Kirkpatrick talked to Bobby in the hallway about the injustice of the SATs being stolen, Cipriato was behind the Catholic principal mooning the students and making Bobby snicker. Bobby was distracted by Clara’s super-short skirt at school and told her that Paul’s story was in the works. Bobby then went to the nurse’s office, where a picture of Jesus hung on the wall. The oversexed school nursePlatt treated Paul’s injury the night before, and she explained that she left Paul alone because he gave her money to go across the street and get a gyro. That meant Paul had unsupervised access to that area of the school office for about twenty minutes. Bobby spoke to Coach Z, who stated that if Paul wanted to get into Ivy League schools he would no matter how bad his grades were. Bobby’s only transport to and from school was a bicycle because he had failed his testing at the DMV multiple times because he sped up for yellow lights and ran over dogs in the street instead of stopping. Bobby called Paul’s younger sister and then met with the tween girl Chrissy outside a festival that night, and she snottily agreed to tell him everything he wanted to know about Paul if Bobby got her a stuffed unicorn. Bobby played the games until he (bought) won a unicorn as Chrissy asked, and then she spilled more than enough beans on her brother. Bobby went the Woodward and Bernstein way and decided to write the article about Paul not knowing all the facts. The next day, Bobby’s story was on the front page of the school newspaper stating that Paul was the thief. As a result, Principal Kirkpatrick dragged Paul from the showers to his locker with only a towel around his waist. Paul opened his locker and inside was all the missing SAT tests, so the principal took him away and Paul argued he was a patsy. Bobby convinced everyone that Paul was the Hail to the Thief guy because Paul did whatever it took to get it done just as he said he would. Bobby read his article to the newspaper class, and Clara announced that she was submitting it to Northwestern with her highest recommendation. Tad wasn’t pleased and chugged from his liquor canteen in Catholic school.Since Paul was no longer available to take Francesca to the homecoming dance, Francesca sought ought Bobby and told Bobby to be her date and pick her up at eight that night for the homecoming school dance. Marlon became the new president and spoke to the students advising them to keep their faith. That night, Bobby went to Francesca’s house where Marlon already had his date Tiffany Ashwood drunk on the couch. He told Bobby that he would let him play with Tiffany’s boobs for $20, but Bobby wasn’t interested and called Marlon out on having a poor academic score and being promoted from vice president. Despite the fact that Marlon was Francesca’s step-sister, Marlon thought his sister was hot and told Bobby so. Francesca was concerned about Tiffany needing to go to the hospital again and told Marlon so before she left, but Marlon insisted that Tiffancy was fine. Bobby and Francesca walked to the Catholic school dance, where most of the high school teens were drunk. Francesca left Bobby alone for a while to hang out with her friends, and then the two slow-danced. They agreed she was a bit**, and then Francesca rescued Marlon who was trying to have sex on the dancefloor with his date. Bobby spoke to some of the other boys. The teen boys tried to give Bobby tips about how to conceal his hard-on. Principal Kirkpatrick overheard and joined them and stated that he had similar conversations with his men when they were attacking the towel-heads in the Middle East. Kirkpatrick took Bobby aside to thank him in getting the SATs back, and he gave Bobby gum and threatened to kill him if he chewed it in class again. Bobby left without his date, and outside the school lurking in the dark Paul punched Bobby in the face. Paul gave Bobby his acceptance paper from Cornell University and explained that he only took the SAT a second time to see if he could score better. He told Inspector Gadget Bobby that he didn’t have the truth and ruined Paul’s chances since he wasn’t the culprit. The next day at high school, Clara congratulated Bobby on getting into the Northwestern summer program. However, a grad student from Northwestern named Ben Striedel would investigate Bobby’s story to confirm that it was true as usual protocol. Paul was sentenced to in-school suspension. Rocky Raccoon with a black eye was there for spray-painting that Saddam was a CIA puppet on Kirkpatrick’s Ford Bronco. Bobby used his three-minute time limit and got a confession out of Paul that he shaved points during last year’s basketball season in order to get money. Paul turned the sport mob boss down this year because his team was about to go to State and he didn’t want to mess it up. Bobby suspected that the person retaliated by framing Paul for the SAT theft. Before Bobby was dragged out of the room, Paul identified the criminal name of Frank Bismark. Bobby was then summoned to Kirkpatrick’s office, where he took a call from Striedel. Striedel wanted all the facts that Bobby had on his story, but Striedel refused to give Bobby his number so Bobby could call him back with the info and Stridel hung up on Bobby. Bobby then noticed the principal in his office remove his prosthetic leg that gave him pain from an injury war wound. Bobby next went to the library, where he learned that even the smart students failed the tests and were now studying heavily. Sam informed Bobby that more than half the schools were on speed drugs, such as Prylert, Axitol, Ripenol, or Faldox which had side effects.. Bobby then tore out a page from a school yearbook with information about Freddy, who had graduated from a previous year. Eyepatch girl caught Bobby, and he told her to leave him alone because she wasn’t a cop. Bobby went to the fraternity where Freddy was living, and there were dozens of beer kegs on the front lawn of the frat house. Inside were several men in diapers sucking their thumbs and listening to opera. Freddy’s shady rigged-gaming business involved kids throwing games so he could make money, and he treated his brothers like slaves who fetched things for him as though he were royalty. Before the men threw Bobby into the bushes, he got out of Freddy that Paul needed the money because he was having issues with a girl from McKinley. Freddy claimed that he didn’t have time to patsy Paul because he enjoyed spending the money he made, which was obvious based on the décor at the dorm and the amount of alcohol. Bobby discounted Freddy as a suspect and believed that it had something to do with the girl. Bobby went to see his friend Elliott Duncan at the predominately black McKinley High School, and Elliott identified Paul’s girlfriend as Valerie Torres. Bobby spoke to Valerie, who confessed that Paul threw two basketball games to help her pay off a debt or otherwise she would need to have sex with her debtors. Valerie claimed that Paul would have thrown the entire season for her if she asked. Bobby returned to St. Donovan’s Catholic High School, where he then discovered that Paul had broken the glass and busted out of the in school suspension room. The classrooms were empty because Principal Kirkpatrick canceled the morning classes and organized a pep rally, where everyone sang the American song that the very questionable Catholic principal wrote. Rocky was lurking in the shadows in a hoodie, and soon after Bobby spotted Paul on a nearby rooftop with a sniper gun. Bobby didn’t alert anyone to the danger but instead ran off to stop Paul because he thought Kirkpatrick was the target. While Bobby was running around the school, Marlon then took the stage and gave a speech about how the school was once divided but now they would now stand together. Paul put Marlon in his gun scope as Marlon cheered for the Catholic Friars classmates. Bobby made it onto the nearby rooftop but was too late. Paul had already pulled the trigger and shot Marlon in the chest, and all the students panicked. Marlon had red on his shirt but explained that it was just a paintball gun, and Kirkpatrick tried to calm the students but the principal then hit with a paintball on his arm. Paul shot the other student council members (Mullen brothers and Alex Schneider the treasurer) and Francesca, as well as a statue of Joseph holding toddler Jesus in a pink dress and he shot the “veritas” (truth) on Veritas Caritas Unitas Catholic school sign. Paul shot Bobby as well and then ran off and injured his knee in the process. Bobby went to the nurse’s office to have his hand bandaged, but ditsy Nurse Platt was hungry and went downstairs to get food. Bobby then got a suspicious call in the nurse’s office from Striedel on Nurse Platt’s phone asking more questions about the facts of the case. Bobby hung up when Francesca entered the room and sat on the table and showed her legs to clean off the paint. Before Bobby could tell Francesca anything about Paul, she thanked him for saving her life from the paintball gun and then Francesca kissed Bobby to silence him. The police arrived at the Catholic High School and arrested Paul, and Paul told Kirkpatrick he was innocent but the principal ignored Paul. Bobby felt it was his job to get Paul out of jail since he got Paul in there. Bobby brought another stuffed unicorn to young Chrissy as another bribe for more information, and she complied. Bobby visited Paul at the mental institute, and Paul explained that he was forced to take medication three times a day and was out of it. The hospital doped Paul up too much to function, so Paul couldn’t give Bobby any answers as to those who set Paul up. St. Donovan’s Catholic high school then implemented a metal detector to check for knives and guns on the students before they entered the school. Principal Kirkpatrick instructed his new security employee Mitch to only use the backs of his hands when he was feeling the girls up for weapons and told him not to have sex with any of the students no matter how much the man wanted to. Bobby went to the scene of the crime and tried to figure out why Paul targeted specific people and things with paintballs. He found Marlon and his council buddies misbehaving and talking about sex in a classroom, and they then roughhoused Bobby in the hall. Marlon didn’t want bad press so he invited Bobby to his house for a party where he could answer Bobby’s questions about why they were Paul’s targets. At Marlon’s teen house party, there were teens having sex in a car outside. Francesca met Bobby at the door and gave him a beer even though he had a driver’s test in the morning. The unsupervised teens were heavily drinking beer and smoking joints and other things. Clara was also there drinking and dancing provocatively. Francesca, Marlon and his buddies played beer games to get Bobby drunk so he would forget about Paul and not ask questions. Cipriato had too much to drink and fell on the ping-pong table, so they took him upstairs and tied him up. Bobby talked to the trio outside who were smoking weed, and they advised him to have sex with Francesca that night. Sam made a comment about Paul that led them to believe she had sex with Paul at one time. In one room, two teen females were kissing heavily as a male egged them on. Clara tried to talk to Bobby about a follow-up story on the school council, but he told her it was a party and walked off. Bobby and Francesca went to Marlon’s bedroom that was the only empty one in the house. He asked Francesca why she was with him because he didn’t think she really liked him. Francesca undressed herself and Bobby and told him that her dad was out of town for days and her mom was dead. Francesca and Bobby had sex in her brother’s bed. The next morning, Cipriato was still tied to a chair with Christmas lights, and Tiffany was passed out on the couch and peeing herself. The next morning, Bobby woke up in bed with Francesca and hurried off for his drivers’ test that he was late for. During the test, Bobby pulled over and told the same female instructor he was adjusting his mirror. He instead spied on Alex Schneider and the Mullen brothers in their van, which was parked outside the pharmacy. Bobby followed the van, which pulled over so Bobby parallel-parked there instead of at the DMV like the instructor wanted him to. Bobby watched the brothers pick up medicine from a second pharmacy within five minutes of the first, and then he continued to follow them. The instructor told Bobby he was about to get his drivers’ license, but then Bobby got separated from the van with a red light. He decided the scoop was more important, so he ran the red light and recklessly drove after the van almost getting into multiple accidents as the female instructor screamed in terror. Four pharmacies and a dozen traffic violations later, Bobby dropped the instructor off at the DMV and she told him to get the f**k out of the car. Bobby visited Sam after because somehow she had all the keys to the school building and let him into the school council room. Bobby’s buddy set off the fire alarm so Bobby could search the room. Bobby took the treasury ledger. Bobby followed Alex and the brothers to their house where they were recording rap music, and he hid out in the van until Marty came out to the van. Bobby called Marty out on the Houdini tricks they were playing with the school’s money making it disappear and then reappear. Marty opened the garage and let the others know he had Bobby trapped in the van. They beat Bobby up and left him at an abandoned industrial location, and he used a pay phone and left a phone message for Francesca about the Mullens and their drug problem. The students at the Catholic school were told they had to retake the tests since the SATs were tampered with. Bobby wanted to keep spying on Alex and the Mullens, but Francesca met Bobby in the hall and told him to come home with her where they took a bath together. Back at school, the students read the new newspaper with the front-page story that Tad wrote about Bobby framing Paul to get Francesca. Bobby was angry and took the story to Clara, who said she was recommending that Tad take Bobby’s place at Northwestern for the summer. In the Spanish classroom, Francesca slapped Bobby in the face and made it seem believable to the other students that Bobby was guilty. He tried to get a hall pass so he could leave and sort out things that the paper lied about but teacher Padre Newll was denied it. Kirkpatrick came in the room and spoke Spanish to the teacher and took Bobby into the hallway, where he wouldn’t listen to Bobby’s findings about the student council’s drug rings. Kirkpatrick said he didn’t like to be made a mockery of and only wanted to know if Bobby was chewing gum and not the facts of the criminal behavior going on amongst the school students. Bobby confirmed that he did have gum in his mouth, so the ungodly Catholic principal Kirkpatrick put him in detention with Rocky. Striedel called Bobby again and told him to follow the money trail because that was journalism 101. He gave Bobby until Monday to get the real scoop on what happened. Sam and her friends ended up in detention with Bobby, where the teens played a game like strip poker and took off their clothes. Sam mentioned something about Tad, and then Bobby had flashbacks and pieced together the puzzle with possible new suspects. That night, Bobby went to Francesca’s house to talk to her, but the music was too loud for her to hear the doorbell. The door was unlocked, so Bobby went inside to see Francesca taking a bath with the bathroom door open and then he left. Bobby wrote a story that high school was the most sinful four years of your life that could make you or break you with all the teen dating, dances and football. Bobby discovered that high school was as complicated as a conspiracy to assassinate the president. He went to the basketball game to give Clara his news article and then he left the game. The article explained how the Mullen brothers’ dad was a doctor who used to have sex with his patients. Doctor Mullen dad ran off with one of his patient’s and left behind his van full of prescription pads, and the brothers forged their dad’s signature on the pads to get prescription drugs from multiple pharmacies that they then sold to customers. The Mullens brothers were incompetent, so the ringleader Marlon ran the show. There was no great demand for the narcotics, so the gang created one by sabotaging the SATs tests knowing that the students crack under pressure and would want medication to help them study and get through retaking the tests. President Paul figured out that cash was being moved around in the treasury and confronted Marlon about it. Marlon didn’t want his drug business tampered with, so he took Paul out of the picture by stealing the SAT tests and putting them in Paul’s locker to set him up. Bobby then went to Kirkpatrick’s office, where he found Marlon and his thugs breaking into the safe again to change the scores on the new SATs so they could sell more drugs (supply and demand). Marlon instructed his council buddies to open the window so they could throw Bobby out to his death. However, before Bobby confronted Marlon, he turned on the intercom so the ongoing basketball game was interrupted. Everyone at school heard Marlon and Bobby’s conversation, where Marlon admitted that he was a drug dealer and planned to kill Bobby. Other students appeared in the principal’s office to rescue Bobby. As it turned out, Bobby had seen naked Marlon taking a bath with his sister Francesca and making out with her before Bobby left the house the night before. Bobby knew that Francesca was part of the gang and went so far as having sex with him to gain his trust. Bobby called Francesca out for playing him, Paul and everyone else at school. Shady Catholic Principal Kirkpatrick arrived in his office and ordered everyone out of his office except for Francesca, Marlon and the student council. Clara took Bobby away from Francesca’s staged drama scene and told him to forget about it because it was just high school. The movie ended with Paul still stuck in the mental institute and having a criminal record because of the gang of criminals from Catholic high school. The movie cover art listed, MTV News, “Bruce Willis is hilariously intense! Rushmore meets The Usual Suspects.” Neil Miller, Film School Rejects, “An intelligent, sexy high school movie.” Mel Valentin, Slashfilm.com, “Moral ambiguity, corruption, double- and triple-crosses…A must-see film!”

DATE REVIEWED: 10/5/25

TITLE: Tammy

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014 Warner Bros. Pictures / New Line Cinema / Gary Sanchez Productions / On The Day Productions / RatPac-Dune Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in Illinois and began with Tammy Banks driving down the road in her car. Tammy hit a buck, and banged up her head as it damaged the windshield on impact. The stunned buck got up and ran off soon after. She drove her messed up vehicle to her job at Topperjack’s fast food restaurant, where her boss Keith Morgan didn’t care that she hit a deer and fired her for being late again. On the way out Tammy pitched a hissy fit and threw ketchup packets at Keith, rubbed her hair in the food and licked all the hamburgers buns as fellow employee Javier snickered. Keith told his employees to replace the top bun only and keep the meat underneath. Keith threatened to call the police after Tammy made a disturbance in the dining room and told everyone that the chicken was made out of the bird’s male body parts and beaks. Tammy’s wrecked car broke down on the side of the road, so she tried to hitchhike but couldn’t get a ride. She walked and littered along the way, and when she returned home from work early she found her husband Greg having dinner with the neighbor Missi Jenkins. Tammy threatened to divorce Greg and sue Missi, and then she left with the $63 in savings shouting to the neighbors that M.J. was a whore. Tammy went to her parents’ house a few doors down, where her mom Deborah refused to give Tammy her car and called her out on her unhealthy behavioral pattern of throwing fits. Whenever bad things happened, Tammy left town and then came back many minutes later after deciding that she would stay. Deb’s mom Pearl Balzen overheard from her bedroom, so Grandma packed her bags, grabbed some beer and announced that she was going with Tammy because she hated the house and didn’t want to die there with Deb and Don. Pearl showed Tammy her $6700 in cash, and that sealed the deal for her granddaughter to leave. They left, and Deb threatened to call the Brookview nursing home if Pearl didn’t take her pills. The duo planned to go to Niagara Falls, as Tammy broke the law and ran a stop sign. Pearl offered Tammy a beer or whiskey, and she refused but Tammy then finally accepted and drank a beer with grandma riding shotgun as Tammy drove the car. By nightfall, both of them were drunk and recklessly cutting donuts in a field with Pearl driving and Tammy on top of the car. The next morning, they ended up in the woods stuck between trees and damaged grandma’s car as they squeezed out. They almost ran over some campers and discovered that they went the wrong way and were in the Mark Twain National Forest in Missouri. Pearl convinced Tammy not to go back to Illinois but instead stay and have fun because they had money and time. They stayed at the campground, where Tammy rode a jet ski while Pearl sat on the dock and drank beer in the state park that she claimed was juice. Tammy wrecked the jet ski so the man in charge at Crawford’s threatened to call the police if they didn’t pay for the damages. Grandma gave him $4800 in cash. Tammy told Pearl she should use a credit card like Tammy always did because Pearl would probably be dead by the time the bills came around. Tammy tried to protest that the greatly used jet ski malfunctionedbut grandma didn’t want to deal with that since she knew her granddaughter drove it too fast and was heavyset and unstable and so they left and took the broken jet-ski with them. Soon after they stopped to use a bathroom. Pearl took her pills with liquor as she sat on the toilet and told Tammy about her wish to see Niagara Falls. The females went outside and admired the eagle carving and discussed Lance and Neil Armstrong. Pearl confessed that she had a six-month relationship with Duane Allman, Gregg Allman’s brother, and she rode the tour bus with them. Tammy and Pearl headed to Louisville, Kentucky, where they went to eat at the well-known Blue Post BBQ joint. Pearl’s cousin Lenore recommended it over the phone, and Tammy wasn’t thrilled about visiting Lenore because she was an old lesbian. Tammy bragged about how she could have any man in the bar, so she went to a table with two men. She told them to f**k off when they wouldn’t buy her drinks, and Pearl said the men were probably gay. Tammy and Pearl hooked up with farm men Earl Tillman and his son Bobby, who ordered a round of drinks to get everyone drunk. They all danced on the floor except for Bobby, who told his dad he was going to the bathroom and they would be leaving when he came back. Drunken Tammy thought it was a hint to join Bobby in the bathroom, so in the line she tried to put her tongue in his mouth. Bobby didn’t want it, so Tammy returned to the table and discovered that Pearl and Earl were gone. Tammy went outside to find her grandma. Tammy found Pearl and Earl locked in the back of the car having sex, and Tammy tried to break them up when she learned that Earl was married. Bobby left Earl in Tammy’s care and gave her his number so he could go home to take care of his sick mom. They got a motel room, and Pearl locked Tammy out so she could have sex with Earl again. Pearl threw Tammy a blanket and pillow, so Tammy ate sugar donuts and slept outside the door. The next morning, Bobby came to pick up Earl and found Tammy asleep on the ground outside the room to prevent her grandma from driving drunk. He told Tammy she should have called him, but she didn’t think he was serious. Bobby and Earl left, and Tammy and Pearl went to eat breakfast. Tammy was upset at Pearl for drinking Bloody Marys before ten a.m. and making her sleep outside like an animal. Tammy reminded Pearl how she deserted ten-year-old Tammy and moved out of their house to survive her parents alone even though she and Pearl were best friends. Before she left the eatery, Tammy told anyone who wanted to have sex with Pearl to buy her a drink, and then Tammy took Pearl’s car and left her stranded at the café. Deb called Tammy on her cell phone and explained to her daughter that her mom Pearl was diabetic and left all her pills behind, and she couldn’t handle things even though she thought she could. Tammy hung up on Deb and reluctantly went back to the café to pick up Pearl. Tammy found Pearl at the gas station across the street getting liquored up. The store clerk told Tammy he was calling the cops on the alcoholic elder that would not leave. Two teens outside the store tried to take the case of beer that Pearl promised to give the teens in exchange for a free ride but that’s when she found out that the teens’ only had bicycles. Jesse and his teen girlfriend then jumped on Tammy and attacked her to get the beer. An officer arrived, and the teens fled with most of the beer except for a can that Tammy threw at them. She missed and the beer can hit the police car instead, so the officer took Tammy and Pearl to jail. In their cell, they discussed how Tammy cheated on her husband Greg by doing sexual things with the ice-cream truck man in the neighborhood name Jerry Miller. Jerry felt Tammy up in exchange for free Klondikes. Pearl confessed that she tried to sleep with Tammy’s dad Don, but nothing happened because Pearl was drunk and Don put her back to bed before Deb got home. She explained that was the reason she left when Tammy was ten because she was afraid of what her out-of-control alcohol addiction might do to Deb and her family. Tammy noticed that Pearl’s ankles were red and swollen and realized she was having a medical emergency, but Pearl argued that she was fine. An officer then released Tammy because Pearl had posted Tammy’s bail. Pearl was being held because of the excessive amount of oxycodone pills in her possession that didn’t belong to her. Tammy was upset because Pearl had diabetes and Tammy had no money to bail her out because the bail was $3000. The officer said he had diabetes and it could be controlled and so did another officer have it too so Tammy needed to find the money to get her grandma out of jail. Tammy tried to call Greg to see if they had savings or a Christmas account, but she hung up when she heard Missi laughing with Greg since the two were hanging out in Tammy and Greg’s house again. Tammy then called Deb and asked for money, but she wouldn’t say that Pearl was in jail. Deb knew Tammy would need something and refused to give Tammy money, so Tammy hung up on her mom and decided to rob the Topperjack’s restaurant in her bear Mahalo t-shirt. With the restaurant’s paper bag on her head and another bag on her hand like a gun, she held up the store and made small talk to the employees Becky and Larry as she retrieved $1650 in cash and a bag of pies to go. After Tammy found out that Larry was a veteran, she locked him and Becky in the cooler with a blanket to stay warm. Tammy declared that she would call the police ten minutes after she left and tell them where the employees were. Tammy went back to the police station, but Pearl had already been released so Tammy casually collected her grandmother and walked out. Pearl said she had called Earl and he and Bobby wired the bail money. Tammy asked where Pearl got the pills, and she explained that she bought them in the neighborhood from Eugene Robinson that Tammy then identified as the notorious drug dealer. Tammy and Pearl checked into a motel room, and grandma watched Michelle Li on the news reported live about the Topperjack robbery. Pearl asked what happened, and Tammy admitted that she did it because she was concerned about Pearl’s health in the jail cell. Pearl insisted that Tammy take the money back herself or Pearl would turn her granddaughter into the police. The next morning the two went to the drive-thru and wore the restaurant paper bags on their heads, and they tried to give the money back but Kathleen closed the window and broke down in fear. Pearl went inside and gave the money to Becky and told her nothing ever happened and no need to press charges since all the cash was returned. Becky stated that Larry took the day off because she was shaken up by the experience, and then Pearl and Tammy left the fast food joint arguing. They fled the scene and met up with Lenore nearby in a wooded area. Lenore took charge and explained that she would detach the jet-ski trailer and hook it up to the RV, and then remove the plates on Pearl’s car. Pearl relaxed in Lenore’s RV, as Tammy poured gasoline on the car and complained that it was a crazy high $4 a gallon thanks to Obamacare. Lenore told Tammy that she wasn’t an attorney, but she knew that Tammy wouldn’t want the police getting ahold of the car and using the evidence to link her to the robbery. Lenore had a cloth attached to a bottle of alcohol and then lit the cloth with a match and through the flaming bottle and smashed (glass) into the car. It went up in flames and then exploded as Lenore, Tammy and Pearl drove off in the RV towing the jet-ski (no doubt eventually set the nearby woods on fire). They headed to Lenore’s high dollar estate, where they met up with Lenore’s wife Susanne and learned that they were millionaires because the lesbian women owned 22 pet food stores. The group prepared for their lesbian 4thof July party later that day. Tammy asked Pearl not to get drunk that night, and then they danced together. As it turned out, Pearl had invited Earl and Bobby to hang out. The grand finale involved a Viking fire burial of the jet-ski, and the tribe commended the spirit of jet ski to Valhalla. Firebug Lenore threw her torch at the jet-ski to light it and get rid of the evidence in the crime and then the partygoers sent the flaming water craft on its way across the lake. Pearl took the stage and thanked the lesbians for their 4th of July party, and she gave America a birthday gift by flashing her boobs to the crowd. Tammy tried to take the mic away from drunken grandma before she said anything else, but then Pearl said mean things about her granddaughter calling her fat and ugly. Tammy argued that she didn’t try to have sex with her daughter’s husband like Pearl did. Lenore and Susanne retrieved Pearl from the stage and started the lesbian Independance Day party up again. Firebug Lenore later gave Tammy a beer and advised her to suck it up and grow up because Lenore and Susanne had to slave work for everything they had since gay wasn’t always fashionable. Lenore passed off cousin Pearl’s drunken behavior as something excusable because she wouldn’t remember it the next day, while Tammy’s sober behavior was inexcusable. Lenore told Tammy to get her crap together and figure out what she wanted, and in the process help Pearl stop being an alcoholic. Lenore left to blow up fireworks with her wife and the other dozens of gay people, and then Bobby and Tammy discussed how putting their two messy lives together would create a bigger mess. Bobby told her that his parents were separated but his drunken dad still takes care of his mom (yet all live together on the farm) and it was complicated. Bobby disagreed and thought there was a chance for him and Tammy to get together. The next morning, Lenore and Susanne were served coffee and breakfast served by their hired male cook. Tammy took coffee to Pearl who was sleeping in a lakeside lawn chair, and Tammy couldn’t wake her grandmother and thought she was dead. Tammy hysterically cried and told Lenore and Susanne that Pearl was dead, so they called 911. However, Pearl then woke up after being passed out. The paramedics took Pearl to the hospital, and she was told that Earl had posted pictures of her flashing her boobs on Facebook. The ambulance left, and two police officers appeared and asked about the burning jet-ski on the lake the previous night. They questioned Tammy about her Hawaiian bear shirt that matched the one the robbery suspect wore and the Cadillac that had been towing the jet-ski. The police took Tammy in, and she tried to run away but they easily caught her and she blamed it on a bee. Tammy was released from the Jefferson County Jail 38 days later, and her dad Don drove from Illinois to pick her up. Don offered to kill Greg for his daughter and he was serious so Tammy told him no. Don told Tammy that Pearl always tried to flirt with him, and Jerry Miller the local neighborhood ice cream truck driver was the only one who took Pearl up on her offer. Don dropped Tammy off at her house, and Greg invited her inside as Don made shotgun arm gestures at Greg threatening to shoot him. Tammy confronted Greg and Missi they would both burn in hell because the man upstairs frowned on adultery. Missi had already folded Tammy’s clothes and made it easy for her to move out with her suitcase, which she took to her parents’ house a few doors down. Upon arrival, Deb informed Tammy that Pearl was at Brookview Senior Living, so Tammy freaked out and took her dad’s car and drove recklessly to get there. She learned that Pearl was actually happy at the senior home and was now dating an older (in his 80’s) former hockey player, and her grandmother taught an exercise class and was trying to quit her alcohol addiction. In the next scene, Tammy was back at Brookview and picked her grandmother up to go on another road trip. They passed creepy Jerry Miller in his ice cream truck on the street. He asked the ladies if they wanted a bone cone, so they hurriedly drove off in the opposite direction. They met up with Lenore and Susanne, and the foursome went to Niagara Falls. Bobby showed up with a bag of Cheetos (Tammy’s favorite), and he kissed Tammy by the waterfall. Tammy talked about the Canadian side. Tammy told Bobby that she wanted to get a place in Louisville so they could hang out and watch movies. Back in Illinois, Missi left Greg for Keith who claimed he would have a franchise in three years. Tammy moved to Kentucky near her millionaire lesbian relatives and hung out with Larry and Becky in the hot tub and told them she liked her job and her boyfriend Bobby. This movie had a budget of $20 million and grossed over $100 million at the box office. (It is alarming that the lesbian couple got off scot-free and had no jail time after breaking the law repeatedly and destroying evidence with fire. What did they do and who did they scam to own dozens of pet stores and get all of their riches?)

DATE REVIEWED: 9/30/25

TITLE: The Book of Esther

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2012 Pure Flix Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is based on the biblical Book of Esther, but some of the story is made-up for entertainment purposes.It began in Persia in 482 BC where a Jew named Mordecai explained to his young niece Hadassah the dream he had. It was about two dragons and ended with the righteous people with the cross winning. He told Hadassah to never tell anyone that she was a Jew from the Tribe of Benjamin, and he renamed her the Persian name Esther. She was instructed to never call Mordecai her uncle and acknowledge their family ties again, but instead call him by Teacher. Years later, Esther was grown up and caught a glimpse of the Persian King Xerxes parading around town as the king was carted around. King Xerxes saw Esther too and it was an instant connection. Esther went to Mordecai, who was attending the king and queen’s royal banquet that night. She told him she wished to be married because she envied Queen Vashti. Mordecai explained that it was in God’s timing. At the banquet, King Xerxes’s advisor Lord Haman and Mordecai spoke. Haman wanted to eradicate the Jew and his people, but Mordecai said that day would never come. Queen Vashti never showed up, and King Xerxes didn’t say why but told everyone to eat, drink and be merry. King Xerxes told his right-hand man Sardar (also the commander of the royal army) to keep his eyes and ears open and listen for gossip among the guests in order to find out valuable information to help the kingdom. Esther and her friend Judith sewed together and discussed how Judith married Jacob but it wasn’t a love match. Judith told Esther that she would be married once a suitable match was found and not to dwell on the matter further. Most of the guests at the banquet talked about the missing queen and believed Vashti was beautiful, but if she were truly the king’s wife she would make her appearance so they could honor her because beauty fades and the inside was what counted and they believed the king made a mistake by marrying her. Sardar overheard and delivered the news to King Xerxes. Immediately after, the king made a speech to his nobles and lords. He told them that Queen Vashti would join then and dance, and he ordered Sardar to retrieve Vashti. Vashti’s female servant visited Vashti and warned her about her behavior, but the vain queen who told her to know his place quieted her. Sardar appeared to get Queen Vashti, and she put on a scene in her spoiled and evil way and told Sardar that she didn’t care if he got beheaded for returning to the banquet without her. Vashti told Sardar to have the soldiers dance for the king and his guests, and she declared that she would still not go even if the king himself showed his face to summon her. She ordered Sardar to leave, and he went back to the king to tell him the news. King Xerxes believed Sardar to be speaking treason, but he confirmed it was the truth and explained in front of the guests that the queen had no desire to dance or be present at the banquet. King Xerxes declared that if Vashti disobeyed him, then all the Persian women would behave the same way. He ordered her to be removed from the palace immediately and on the spot made his marriage to Vashti null and void. Judith heard that King Xerxes dissolved his marriage to the evil queen, so she spread the news to Miriam and Esther. Lord Haman and his minion Gaspar discussed how the kingdom would fair without a queen and decided they needed one immediately. They couldn’t go outside Persia because there were no women available for marriage, so they had to find a suitable wife for King Xerxes within their own kingdom. Haman suggested a daughter of one of the king’s advisors, and Gaspar pointed out that Haman had ten sons and only one daughter, Zara. Gaspar questioned Haman wanting to marry Zara to King Xerxes because she was a child. Haman said kids grow up fast and then assigned Gaspar to take the idea of replacing the queen with an advisor’s daughter to King Xerxes. Since the king would meet with his council shortly, Haman told Gaspar to prepare a good speech so that he wouldn’t be beheaded if King Xerxes took Gaspar’s suggestion negatively. Mordecai and Esther discussed how King Xerxes allowed them to celebrate the Sabbath in private and how they would do it anyway even if the king didn’t allow it. Mordecai told Esther to follow her conscience and to dance if the king asked her to unlike the hoity-toity Vashti he got rid of after Esther said she agreed with Vashti. Gaspar made his suggestion at the council meeting that the king marry one of his own, and King Xerxes countered that it was customary to marry the daughter of an ally. Gaspar argued that it was custom but not required and suggested marriage to the daughter of an advisor.Mordecai’s friend spoke up and stated that more than half of the council was eunuchs (castrated men) and therefore didn’t have offspring. Mordecai spoke up and told King Xerxes about the orphan girl he was the guardian of who would be a suitable wife for him. Haman disagreed and informed King Xerxes that the orphan wouldn’t be up to the royal standards. More advisors said they had bride candidates in mind, so King Xerxes commanded that all the daughters of Persia be brought to him so he could choose a new queen for himself. Haman had a hissy fit after the meeting and blamed the eunuch Gaspar for not being smart enough to outwit Mordecai and make certain that Zara was the only candidate. Haman threatened that Gaspar would lose his head if Zara wasn’t picked. Mordecai later told Esther that she would compete with other women of Persia to be the new queen after Mordecai convinced Ester it was for the best. He stressed that if Esther was not chosen, it might be the end of the Jewish people. Mordecai explained that Haman didn’t need to be closer to the king than he already was because he hated the Jews so much. The young king was vulnerable and still sought counsel from his advisors, so it would be very bad for the Jews if Zara became queen and Haman became part of the royal family. Esther then told Father Mordecai that she would pray to God for him as well as for wisdom and strength. When Haman returned home, his servant Nasir informed him that his wife Zaresh didn’t want to see him. Haman shouted that he would banish Zaresh to the desert to be eaten by vultures, so Zaresh appeared and dismissed Nasir. Zaresh and Haman discussed how it was a disadvantage that daughter Zara would be judged by her beauty because she wasn’t as beautiful as Haman had claimed and therefore he wished King Xerxes was blind. Haman told Zaresh it would take an act of the gods in order to transform Zara into a beauty the king would pick as well as all the makeup and jewels that Zaresh planned to disguise Zara with. Haman vowed to seek revenge on the Jews for exterminating his people and then the house of Haman would rule. Esther prayed to God that night for guidance, and GOD answered and called her by her Jewish name and told her there was a time to be silent and a time to speak and she would know the difference because God was with her. On the morning of the contest, Zara was presented to Haman and dad stated that she was as handsome as he was, implying his daughter looked more boyish. He told his wife and daughter that they better pull off their ruse or he would only have sons after that day. Mordecai took Esther to the palace and believed she was naturally beautiful in her simple white dress. The females were presented to him King Xerxes one by one, but he sat bored on his throne yawning because he felt no attraction or connection to them despite some being pretty. Zara was presented to the king, and he didn’t like her wrapped up in veils to hide herself and told Haman and Gaspar so. Mordecai and Esther appeared, and Zara disappeared in front of King Xerxes as he looked past Zara and recognized the beauty he saw weeks ago as he traveled through town. It was decided that King Xerxes would choose between Zara and Esther, and Saradar took the girls to the king’s chambers until he summoned them again. King Xerxes didn’t want to speak to the two women face-to-face because he believed they would hide things and only tell him what he wanted to hear. He wanted to witness their true character before making his selection. The king then observed the females in conversation to see how they would communicate with each other from his hiding place. King X watched but could not hear the conversation as Esther convinced Zara to remove her face covering and told her afterwards that she was beautiful. They discussed how Haman was using Zara as a pawn in a game in order for her dad to control the kingdom. Esther promised that if she became queen, she would appoint Zara as her lady-in-waiting after Zara confessed that her parents would banish her to the streets if the king didn’t choose her. King Xerxes picked Esther and crowned her Queen, and Ester confirmed on the spot to Zara that she would honor her word and make Zara her maidservant. King Xerxes ordered a feast to be prepared and a holiday to celebrate the occasion. Haman told Zaresh the news that he no longer had a daughter and he would now exact his revenge on Mordecai. King Xerxes later sat on his throne and told Esther to sit at his feet so they could talk since they hadn’t spoken a word despite the fact that he chose her to be queen. King Xerxes stated that Esther was inferior to him because she wasn’t of noble birth, but Esther didn’t like that she had to look up to speak to him. The solution was for King Xerxes to step down and sit next to Esther on the floor, where they agreed they would be obedient and faithful to each other. They discussed their marriage and how King Xerxes wanted to have sex with her that night, but she told him he must wait until the wedding. Sardar and the king’s bodyguard Teres met and discussed how the weak King Xerxes was too busy finding an unsuitable wife that he didn’t realize his soldiers were about to revolt and overtake the kingdom. Sardar planned to crown himself king with Teres and the rest of the army at his command, and they planned to strike at midnight. Mordecai in the hallway hidden from view overheard their plot. Haman summoned King Xerxes because he felt that his fellow nobles were looking down on him since Zara wasn’t picked. Haman requested to be prime minister, and King Xerxes said it was just another meaningless title but granted Haman his wish. Mordecai came to tell King Xerxes what he overheard, and Haman informed Mordecai that he was the prime minister and whatever Mordecai had to say to the king he must also tell Haman. Prime Minister Haman ordered Mordecai bow to him since that was a requirement of his new title, but Mordecai wouldn’t. Haman told King Xerxes to send Mordecai back to his bedroom because he drank too much, but King Xerxes knew Mordecai had no reason to lie so he overruled Haman. The king wanted the assassination plot investigated and sent for Sardar and Teres. Afterward, Haman planned to murder the Jews and told Zaresh that he would get ahold of Mordecai’s Hebrew writings because Haman believed that Mordecai hid things in the texts that he wasn’t telling anyone which could be deemed disloyal to the king. If Mordecai couldn’t find treason in the Hebrew writings, he planned to create it. The evil couple then laughed at having gallows custom-made for Mordecai the Jew when their plan succeeded. Mordecai and Judith visited Esther in her private chambers in the palace, and Mordecai feared for Zara’s life because her dad was an angry beast of a man. Zara confirmed that Esther would protect her. They learned that the only time Esther could see her husband was when he summoned her, and if she disobeyed she might be put to death. Mordecai explained that Prime Minister Haman was taking up all the king’s time with the affairs of state. Haman and Gaspar summoned King Xerxes and informed him that there was treason within his kingdom because the Jews worshipped their God who was the king of kings. They read parts of the documents that they claimed were Hebrew to confirm this although neither could actually interpret the Hebrew words. Haman told King Xerxes that he chose December 13th as the day to annihilate the Jewish people for their treason, including the young, old, women and children. King Xerxes ordered Azada to do as Haman suggested and let the murders of the Jews be done on December 13th. Judith visited Esther in her chambers and told her and Zara that on the 13th of December all Jews would be killed according to the orders of the evil Lord Haman who convinced King Xerxes that the Jews were committing treason. Zara vowed to be faithful to Esther and keep her Jewish identity secret from her monstrous dad. Mordecai sent word and advised Esther to go to the king and beg mercy for Mordecai and the Jewish people. Esther said she couldn’t because of the law that she couldn’t be in the king’s presence unless he called for her. Judith replied that if Esther remained silent now, then she and all of her people would die so now was the time to speak regardless of law. Esther wanted the Jewish people to fast for three days and nights with no food or drink, and she would do the same and then go to King Xerxes knowing that she could die for speaking what’s right. Three days later, Azada tried to talk Esther out of it but she told him to take her to the king anyway. Esther interrupted Haman, who was once again delaying King Xerxes from spending time with his wife with a lengthy list of things to. King Xerxes welcomed Esther’s presence, and she made it quick since the prime minister was wasting the majority of her husband’s time. Queen Ester invited King Xerxes and Haman to a banquet the following day, where she would make her request. Both men accepted Esther’s invitation and she left with her head still attached. That night, the wicked Haman couple celebrated that the king was under the prime minister Haman’s control, the Haman’s had great wealth and an expensive home and the Jews would soon be dead. At the dinner, King Xerxes told Queen Esther that he would give her half the kingdom if she wanted and asked to know what her petition was. She asked for her life and her people’s lives to be spared because Lord Haman threatened them. Esther admitted that Haman did not molest her but he ordered the deaths of her and her people instead of just enslaving them, in which case she would have remained silent. Ester called King Xerxes out on Mordecai saving his life (assassination attempt by Sardar and Teres yet Esther never told her husband what Zara said when Esther and Zara first met about Zara’s father using Zara to control the kingdom) and questioned why he would want to put Mordecai to death for it, or any other Jew for that matter because they weren’t traitors. King Xerxes admitted his mistake and called for Azada to summon Mordecai so he could defend himself because King Xerxes didn’t give him the chance to do so before and only went off from Haman’s word. He scheduled Mordecai’s testimony for the following day at noon and he wanted the council present as witnesses. In the courtroom, King Xerxes declared that Mordecai could defend himself against the charges that Haman brought against the Jews. Mordecai told everyone that God appointed kings, and in that time period to disobey the king would be to disobey God. Mordecai stated that he obeyed the king’s orders and he obeyed God, and the king was responsible for his living but God was responsible for his life. The people believed Mordecai’s words proved he was a traitor, so Queen Esther spoke on behalf of Mordecai. Esther pointed out the fact that Mordecai was faithful and always did what the king told him to do, as he did for King Xerxes’s dad when his father ruled the kingdom. Esther pointed out that Mordecai saved King Xerxes’s life and he rewarded him with a robe and a horse that Haman was responsible for suggesting. Haman argued that he thought he was the one who would receive the gifts and not Mordecai. Esther posed the same question to King Xerxes if he was torn between God and a king’s orders what would King X do? The king confirmed to all that he would have the person follow his own conscience because kings are not God and make mistakes. King Xerxes announced that the Jewish people were spared and there was no treason among them, and that Mordecai would continue to serve the king with honor as he did in the past. King Xerxes then sentenced Haman to death for his treason, his bad advice and his deceitful ways that corrupted the kingdom and almost killed King Xerxes’s queen he loved, Esther. Gaspar stated that the gallows had already been built for Mordecai and they could use it to behead Haman even though Gasper helped Haman with his plot. King Xerxes made Mordecai his prime minister and removed Haman’s robe and gave it to Mordecai. King Xerxes ordered the events to be recorded in history. He also wanted an account in the books that Queen Esther saved her people from the evil Haman so that the Jews could live free from persecution. The king and queen left to be alone in their chambers while Prime Minister Mordecai arranged for a feast with food and wine to celebrate. The Dove Foundation awarded this film Five Doves.

DATE REVIEWED: 9/29/25

TITLE: Team America: World Police

BOX OFFICE RATED: Unrated (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004 Paramount Pictures / Scott-Rudin / Matt Stone Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The characters in this movie are humanoid puppets, some of which resemble real-life celebrities. It began in Paris, when a young French boy named Jean Francois witnessed four Middle Eastern terrorists exchanging a metal suitcase with a bomb inside. A group of American hired guns that identified themselves as the World Police arrived in their Team America helicopter. The World Police American team told the violent terrorists to get on the ground, but the bad guys ignored the order and instead they used their machine guns to shoot everyone in the town square outside the Eiffel Tower. The American World Police Officers fought off the terrorists with their own high-powered weapons and martial arts. One of the World American police fired a missile at the man trying to flee with the suitcase bomb, but he missed and hit the Eiffel Tower instead. It collapsed on top of the Arc de Triomphe, and the terrorist with the suitcase ran inside the Louvre. Sarah launched a missile at the museum using her Team America fighter jet. The terrorists were destroyed, and with the city in flames World Police Carson proposed to World Police Lisa. However, the terrorist who had hidden in the fountain reappeared and shot Team America Carson. The other team America police unloaded their guns on the terrorist to kill him, and then Carson died in Lisa’s arms and told her to find someone else and be happy. In New York City, a group of entertainers performed Lease the musical at a Broadway theater and sang about everyone having AIDs. The lead singer spoke about the loss of his love and how he planned to march on Washington and bring the fight against the deadly virus to the politicians. The song ended stating that all of Gary’s family members, the crowd watching and even the Pope had AIDs. A rich man named Spottswoode visited Gary in his dressing room after the performance. He knew every detail of Gary’s Broadway career and offered him a new gig, so Gary believed Spottswoode was from Hollywood. Gary was skeptical about getting into Spottswoode’s look alike Cybertruck limo because he wasn’t sure if the man wanted gay sex. Gary left with Spottswoode, who explained that he was not a Hollywood agent and he was there to warn Gary about the terrorists who wanted him dead for what he stood for and planned attacks to make that happen. Baxter the driver transformed the Cyber truck limo into a Team America plane and flew off the highway. The terrorists were planning future attacks in retaliation for the Paris incident the previous week, so Team America recruited Gary because he was a convincing actor and could blend in with the terrorists pretending to be one of them. Spottswoode went on to say that Gary was the perfect weapon and an asset to the team because he had a double major in theater and world languages and a spy was just a great actor. The plane approached Mount Rushmore and flew through the secret entrance in Washington’s mouth that led to the Team America hideout inside the mountain. Gary was introduced to the team members. Joe Smith was the top quarterback from the University of Nebraska, and Sarah Wong was a top graduate from the Berkeley School of the Clairvoyant in San Francisco. Chris Roth Was a martial arts expert from Detroit, and Lisa Jones was a shrink who specialized in the terrorist thought process. The team used the high-tech computer called I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. to track the terrorists’ movements via satellite and discovered that they had multiple WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) around the world. The team explained that if the terrorists succeeded, the outcome would be like all the worst parts in the Bible and 9/11 times 100. The plan was to disguise Gary as an undercover terrorist and plant him in the Middle East so he could find out the terrorists’ plan. Gary didn’t want to get involved and walked out, but Lisa went after him and tried to convince him to join the team since he had an instant crush on her. Lisa gave Gary her card and he left with Baxter in the limo. Gary visited the Lincoln Memorial and Arlington Cemetery in Washington, D.C. and other monuments around the city and pondered freedom and whether or not to take the job. Meanwhile in North Korea, a Chechnyan terrorist visited Kim Jong Il and informed him that he was busy training his new recruits and wouldn’t yet take the mass destruction weapons. Kim shot his translator in the head and angrily told the Chechnyan to take the WMDs that North Korea was supplying the terrorists and get the f out of his country. Baxter brought Gary back to the Team America headquarters, and Gary announced that he was onboard because Gary didn’t want to lose his freedom as Lisa said earlier was in jeopardy. Everyone watched as Sarah and her assistant Lisa performed bloody skin grafts on Gary’s face and changed his eye color to make him look Middle Eastern. The facial hair implants looked ridiculous on Gary, but he was given the new name Hakmed. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. computer informed Team America that worldwide terrorist groups were gathering at a bar in Cairo and they had one chance to take them down. Spottswoode gave Gary a hammer to take his own life with in the event the terrorists found out who Hakmed really was and captured him. Gary and the team suited up for their mission and emerged from the presidents’ heads on Mount Rushmore in their patriotic Team America aircraft as they blasted a song about America with the f-word and sucking someone’s nuts. They arrived in Cairo, Egypt in the Middle East and told the Muslims that America was their friend. Chris threatened Gary that if he messed up Chris would do unspeakable things to Gary’s private parts. Team America, armed with machine guns, escorted Gary to the inner city where the tavern with the blue door was located. Gary couldn’t speak the local language, so Hakmed spoke gibberish to the guards. Outside, Sarah said she was attracted to Gary but Lisa advised her not to get involved with a team member because it would be too painful if one of them died like the lover Lisa lost just a short week before in Paris. Joe was secretly in love with Sarah but didn’t know how to tell her. Upon entering the tavern, Gary immediately seemed to blow his cover by asking if the terrorists had any attacks planned inside the bar. He was dragged before the terrorist leader, and the actor played his part well and moved them to tears with a sob story about how the Black Hawk helicopters came to his village when he was young and burned everything including Gary’s goats. He could hear his goats screaming, so in the name of Allah he put a jihad on the Americans. Gary threatened to put a jihad on the leader if he didn’t believe the story, and that gained the leader’s respect. The terrorist then informed Gary the location of the WMDs in a bunker nearby, but then the terrorist men looked out the window and spotted Team America outside. Gary (Hakmed) and the terrorists escaped the bar in their Jeep, so Sarah stayed behind to find Gary who she thought was trapped in the bar. The other Team Americans sped off in their Hummer and pursued the Jeep across the desert sands. Gary tried to give the team the signal that was discussed prior to going into the bar so the American team would know who he was, but the American world police men didn’t recognize him and fired missiles at the terrorist Jeep. They missed and blew a hole in the side of one of the Great Pyramids. Joe and Chris finally noticed Gary’s arm-waving and mouthing “It’s me,” which they mistook for “Kiss me,” so the irate American world police men fired more missiles but missed again and this time destroyed the King Ramses statues. Sarah went into the tavern looking for Gary and shot dead most of the people inside when they pointed their guns at her. Sarah lost contact with Joe and Chris before she could tell them that Gary was in the Jeep with the terrorists. The incompetent males decided to kill everyone in the Jeep before making contact with Sarah again, so Lisa followed on her motorbike to save Gary. The Jeep driver was killed, so the leader took the wheel and Gary told him to pull over. The terrorist slowed down and let Joe and Chris drive by, and then the two vehicles played chicken because the terrorists planned to kill themselves and Team America with their Jeep that was filled with explosives. Lisa arrived on scene and jumped over the Jeep and grabbed Gary out of the back putting him on the back of her bike. Joe and Chris used a ramp at the push of a button that appeared on the front of their vehicle to redirect the Jeep and send it flying into the Sphinx where it exploded. Lisa reported back to HQ that Gary found the WMDs and the team America took out the terrorists, so Spottswoode instructed them to return to home base for drinks and debriefing. Soon after, Peter Jennings reported live that Team America destroyed another foreign city and the Hellywood celebrities weren’t pleased. Alec Baldwin spoke on behalf of the FAG bunch (Film Actors Guild) and stated that America needed to stop creating enemies and be more peaceful. Tim Robbins, another FAG representative, said that the corporations financed Team America and made money off from their exploits. Sean Penn was also with the FAG and bragged that he visited Iraq and it was a great place with rainbows and happy children eating chocolate rivers before Team America showed its face there. The celebrities called for an emergency FAG meeting which would be attended by Helen Hunt, George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Janeane Garafalo and Matt Damon. Reporter Peter stated that the world would deal with dangerous criminals its own way without interference by Team America. Meanwhile, Hans Blix from the United Nation showed up in North Korea to inspect Kim’s palace for WMDs. Kim denied that there were any, but Hans argued that the UN required a complete inspection of his property. Kim refused and pushed a button to drop Hans into the shark tank where he was eaten alive. The North Korean dictator admitted that he was the mastermind and he was planning the attack for the terrorists as well as supplying them with weapons. Back at HQ in South Dakota, Team America celebrated their mission accomplished with hard liquor and believed that the terrorists wouldn’t attack anytime soon. Chris was still hostile and threatening to Gary, and Joe flirted with Sarah. Gary confessed to Lisa that when he was a kid, he was playing around acting at the zoo and fell into the gorilla enclosure. His older brother Tommy jumped in to save Gary, but Tommy forgot he had food in his pocket. The gorillas beat him to death to get the food before the zookeepers could save Tommy. However, Gary felt better about himself and was able to let go of the guilt from his brother’s death because he saved the world from terrorists. Gary and Lisa were attracted to each other, and she agreed to have sex with him on the spot if he could promise to never die like her new fiancé Carson did a week ago. Gary promised to never die. The Team America World police Gary and Lisa, the two puppet dolls had sex multiple times all through the night that included urinating and pooping on each other. In Central America, a sudden explosion at the Panama Canal broke the dam and the water flooded the city. Thousands of dead bodies, human and animal, floated downstream afterwards. When Team America got the news the next day that Panama was attacked, Spottswoode blamed I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. computer for the bad information it gave them that the Chechnyan Russia Russia Russia terrorists were in charge. Spottswoode assigned the team to head out and find the real terrorist bad guys since Russia wasn’t responsible. As it turned out, Reporter Peter Jennings already knew who was responsible and reported that the terrorists were from Derka Derkastan and the Panama attack was retaliation for the Team America incident in Cairo. It didn’t take long for Alec Baldwin and his fellow entertainer FAG members to rally together. Alec went on air to blame Team America. Gary wasn’t happy about it because Alec was his hero. Michael Moore and his group of “F**k Team America” protestorspicketed outside Mount Rushmore, and unhealthy and unstable Michaelwanted to bring down all the fascists in the USA. Gary took Alec’s words to heart and wanted to quit because he felt responsible for the deaths in Panama that Hollywood pinned on his team Spottswoode argued that they needed Gary’s acting ability and there was no “I” in Team America, which I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E computer corrected him on. Gary declared that he felt dead inside to Lisa. Sarah was mad at Lisa when she discovered that Lisa and Gary hooked up the night before after Sarah told Lisa she was attracted to coworker Gary. Joe wasn’t happy either when Sarah admitted that she liked Gary. Gary left saying that he wasn’t a good man and he would never act again, so the American team decided to take down the terrorists without actor Gary. In the skies over Derka Derkastan, the Koreans joined the terrorists’ attack on Team America and called in the submarines. Team America battled the terrorists and each other on the radio regarding their love triangles among colleagues. Meanwhile, Michael Moore broke into the South Dakota HQ hideout decked out as a suicide bomber. He detonated the heavy explosive strapped to his body, and the team members witnessed Mount Rushmore exploding on their screens with their boss inside. Sarah and Lisa were hit and crashed into the ocean, Chris’ submarine was struck and damaged, and Joe parachuted out of his helicopter before a missile blew it up. Kim ordered the deaths of Team America if they were found alive and he wanted their aircraft salvaged. Kim communicated with the terrorists on his screen and discovered that they blew up the Panama Canal because they were angry about Cairo. Kim chewed out the terrorists for going rogue and ordered them not to do anything else until they received his signal because he worked ten years on the worldwide terrorist plan. Gary was drowning his sorrows at the bar and got kicked out for being drunk and throwing up after he heard some guy tell him a story about aholes, pussies and dicks. Gary threw up gallons in the alley and then passed out in his own vomit. Meanwhile in Hollywood at the FAG building, Alec addressed his fellow actors. They formed an international advisory committee concerning global politics and planned to use their acting powers to change the world and lead the way. The FAG people hoped to convince everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking, and Janeane advised the actors to read the newspapers and then say on TV what they read as if it was their own words and not plagiarized from the newspapers. Clooney chimed in that he had been in many action films and if anyone got in their way, he would defeat them like he did in the movies. Alec stated that there would be an international peace meeting organized by a high-ranking world leader who wanted the FAG reps to be the guest speakers. The new FAG partner was none other than little Kim the North Korean tyrant.Meanwhile, the Team America world police force were captured and tortured by the North Koreans. Kim revealed his plan to distract everyone with a FAG peace meeting while he had the global terrorist groups detonate the WMDs around the world and turn every country into a Third World country. Massive explosions would occur simultaneously at the Taj Mahal, Big Ben and Hollywood among others. Once Kim’s attacks were over, everyone would be fending for himself or herself and attacking each other with no law and order. Kim admitted that Alec and the FAG team would distract the world leaders for the nine hours that Kim needed to complete his world-terrorism mission. Lisa called Kim a lonely man, so she was taken upstairs to watch the events unfold. Gary drove to Mount Rushmore on his motorcycle singing a song to himself about missing Lisa and how Ben Affleck needed acting lessons and Cuba Gooding Jr. needed a bigger role in May 2001 Pearl Harbor movie that Gary thought sucked. Gary couldn’t believe that the presidents’ heads had been destroyed, so he went inside HQ. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. computer somehow survived and greeted Gary. Spottswoode had also survived and held a gun on Gary. He told Gary that even though Team America were being held hostage in North Korea, Spottswoode planned to use I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. to blow up the country using ships because the triggers for all the WMDs were in North Korea. That would stop the terrorists from detonating the bombs that they placed all around the world. In order for Gary to gain back Spottswoode’s trust, Spottswoode insisted that Gary perform oral sex on him since it was about trust and not about being gay. Gary reluctantly complied and got back in the good graces of the man in charge of Team America, who eventually sent Gary to North Korea to fight Kim. Gary trained for his mission by working out, learning martial arts and reading about actors. Dozens of world leaders and FAG members attended the world peace ceremony in North Korea. Alec practiced his speech backstage with the other actors and stated that they had power to police the world through the principles of FAG. Gary wore a monk robe and got past the guards at the door by claiming he was with FAG, and then he shot other soldiers dead. Martin Sheen and Tim Robbins were assigned to guard Team America in their cells, and Gary donned one of the dead soldiers’ uniforms and was able to fool the actors into leaving the room. Gary unmasked himself to reveal his true identity and freed the American World police team from their cells. Chris didn’t want Gary’s help, so Spottswoode revealed that Chris was 100% committed because Gary performed oral sex on Spottswoods. The team accepted Chris then. Soon after Martin and Tim reported back to the actors that Team America escaped. Alec instructed the FAG members to keep Team America away from the ceremony at all costs, so they armed themselves with guns. George Clooney, Liv Tyler, Ethan Hawke, and Janeane Garofalo engaged in a shootout with Team America who blew their heads off. Danny Glover and Sean Penn lured Sarah and Joe into a trap room, where Kim’s pet panthers were released to attack them. Gary and Chris found Susan Sarandon tied up in a room, and she pretended that she was against the FAG and Kim. Gary called Susan out on how her acting skills worsened with age, and she got angry and shot at them. Gary shot Susan dead and splattered her blood and guts everywhere, and Chris realized that he made a mistake by believing that Susan was telling the truth. Gary enlightened him that was why it was called acting. Chris explained that he went to see Cats musical when he was 19, and he was thrilled to get a backstage pass so he could meet the performances. However, they turned out to be out-of-control addicts and Mr. Mistoffelees raped Chris. Chris and Gary made amends. Joe professed his love to Sarah, and then she used her mind powers on the cats before they could kill her and Joe. The cats jumped through the glass window and attacked and ate Sean and Danny. Helen Hunt, Samuel Jackson and Matt Damon then beat up Gary and Chris. Alec gave his speech to the world leaders and explained that they should follow the FAG way and use reasoning and talk in place of violence (as the FAG members were using their violent weaponry backstage to take down Team America). Kim then pushed his buttons and started the five-minute countdown to world destruction. As the FAG actors poured gasoline on Gary and Chris, Sarah and Joe appeared and helped fight off the FAG team. They killed all the actors and set Tim Robbins’ body on fire. Team America burst into the theater and declared that they were there to arrest Kim on terrorism charges, but Alec Baldwin argued that it wouldn’t happen and all the world leaders and the FAG team would unite together to take down Team America. Alec Baldwin told the crowd that Team America was on the side of the billion-dollar corporations that backed them and they were just as bad as the enemies they fought. Gary took the stage and recalled what he learned from a drunken man in the bar about a-holes, dicks and pussies. He told the crowd that if they didn’t take down a-hole Kim, they would be stuck cleaning up sh** for years to come from the attacks that Kim planned on the world’s countries. The world leaders sided with Team America, and Kim screamed at FAG Alec to do something. Alec could only talk about global warming and corporate America, so Kim shot Baldwin dead and told everyone to stay seated. Kim claimed he was the greatest terrorist to ever live, but then Lisa snuck up behind him and kicked Kim off the balcony. Kim impaled himself on the German leader’s helmet and died. With one second on the clock, Gary appeared and Lisa told him to hit the cancel button. Gary stopped the device and apologized to Lisa, and she said that Gary had her at dicks f**k a-holes (Jerry Maguire moment). Spottswoode addressed the world leaders at the FAG convention and told them that the world was safe because of the actor Gary. Lisa and Gary kissed, as Spottswoode Team America World Police boss man boasted about how dedicated and driven actor Gary was because Gary performed oral sex on him. A cockroach then crawled out of Kim’s mouth and spoke in the dictator’s voice screaming that he would be back. He took off in his rocket and flew to outer space. Team America: World Police were back in full force ready to take down more terrorists. This movie had a budget of $32 million and grossed over $51 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Rolling Stone, “Outrageously, gut-bustingly hilarious!” New York Post, “Four stars.” US Weekly, “‘Team America’ is uproarious!”

DATE REVIEWED: 9/28/25

TITLE: Meet the Robinsons

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 Walt Disney Pictures / Walt Disney Animation Studios / Buena Vista Pictures Distribution

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie began with a birth female abandoning a newborn baby Lewis outside the 6th Street Orphanage. She knocked on the door and then ran off and left the baby in the pouring rain on the porch. Mildred Duffy, manager of the Orphanage, opened the door and took in baby Lewis. Lewis grew up in the orphanage for the next twelve years, and he spent his time inventor machines. One couple, Mr. and Mrs. Harrington visited the orphanage to interview Lewis for adoption. Lewis built a machine in hopes of impressing them. Lewis explained that he wanted to make the world a better place with his inventions, but Mr. Harrington wasn’t interested because he wanted a son that played sports. Lewis introduced his machine that he designed to make the perfect PB&J sandwich. However, the device malfunctioned and PB& J sprayed all over the Harringtons. Mr. Harrington had an allergic reaction to the peanuts, so his wife stuck him with an epi pen and they quickly left and had no desire to adopt Lewis and told Mildred so. Later on, Lewis told Mildred that he had met 124 potential adoptive couples that all wanted nothing to do with him so he felt he would never be adopted. Mildred suggested that maybe Lewis’ birth female didn’t want to give him up but was forced to, so Lewis got it into his head that he needed to find his birth female parent because she would want him now but the orphanage knew nothing about her. He continued to take Joyce Williams elementary classes along with advanced college classes. His teacher Mr. Willerstein gave him a flyer about entering the science fair at school. Lost boy Lewis ignored the couples who came looking to adopt him and instead worked on building a machine that would help him remember the female that gave birth to him that he didn’t remember as a newborn.He had several failed attempts, and one prototype blew up in his school classroom full of other students. They knew Lewis’ invention wouldn’t be successful, so they teased him by wearing masks. Lewis made multiple trips to Jake’s electronic store to get supplies and stole parts whenever he could find them, such as the school basketball hoop. Lewis’ roommate, Mike “Goob” Yagoobian, lacked sleep because Lewis stayed up all night tinkering, so Goob hoped he could stay awake for his baseball game. Lewis finished his headset and told Mildred that he wasn’t interested in any more adoption interviews and rejections. Lewis went to school to display an invention at the science fair, which was sponsored by InventCo Labs. Dr. Lucille Krunklehorn, a scientist with InventCo, arrived to judge the fair. She hadn’t slept for eight days, so she wore dozens of caffeine patches that she invented to keep her awake and made her extra hyper. The school’s male gym coach, wearing shorts as short as underwear, joined them as a second judge. He called Stanley out for wearing a dress (toga), and when Stanley’s volcano didn’t erupt the coach ordered the overweight boy to run 20 laps around the gym. Mr. Willerstein and the judges looked quickly at the fire ant farm that Lizzy (Wednesday Addams look-alike) was displayed. They quickly left because she had a dark personality and would likely release the fire ants on them if she got mad. Out of the blue, 13-year-old Wilbur Robinson approached Lewis. Wilbur claimed to be a special agent from a made-up agency. He explained that he was looking for a robbery suspect who wore a bowler, so he tackled a boy with a solar system who he thought was the Bowler Hat Guy. Wilbur knocked over a girl’s box of frogs and then helped to round them up. The real Bowler Hat Guy lurked nearby behind the curtains and released his bowler hat robot named Doris to tamper with Lewis’ invention. The criminal programmed Doris robot took some screws out of the device Lewis made. Mr. Willerstein was worried that Lewis’ invention wouldn’t work again and might kill somebody. Lewis assured his teacher his invention was OK and then introduced his Memory Scanner and explained that it could retrieve memories from the brain and display it on a screen connected to the headset. He demonstrated by selecting the day that he was left at the orphanage, and the coach questioned the specific date but Lewis wouldn’t say why he chose that day. Wilbur spotted the Doris the bowler hat chasing Stanley around, so he tried to stop Lewis from activating his invention machine but it was too late. One of the parts broke off and shattered the ceiling light, and the sparks ignited Stanley’s volcano that didn’t erupt before. It spewed lava on everyone, and the sprinklers came on and ruined the science fair. Lewis ran off school grounds upset leaving his Memory Scanner machine behind. Wilbur chased after Lewis and told him it wasn’t his fault the device didn’t work since Lewis didn’t see robot Doris hidden behind the invention sabotaging it. As everyone evacuated with gym, Doris the hat robot reassembled the Memory Scanner machine, and then the Bowler Hat Guy stole it. Back at the orphanage, Lewis ripped out the notebook page of him and his possible birth female stick picture and the wind blew it away. Lewis then angrily tore out the rest of the pages depicting his failed inventions in the past. Wilbur appeared and tried to convince Lewis to go back to school and fix his Memory scanner because the disaster wasn’t his fault. Teen Wilber claimed that he was a time cop and showed Lewis the tanning salon advertisement that he used as his badge. He then admitted that he wasn’t a cop, but he came from the future and the Bowler Hat Guy was real. Lewis agreed to go back to the science fair if Wilbur could prove he was from the future, so Wilbur threw fellow kid Lewis off the orphanage rooftop. Lewis fell a distance but then landed on Wilbur’s invisible time-travel vehicle, and Wilbur followed. They boarded the time machine and flew to the futuristic city of Todayland inside a bubble since the main form of transportation for the city’s residents were bubbles. Lewis didn’t want to fix his project and instead wanted Wilbur to use the time machine to go back to the day Lewis’ birth female gave him up so he could make sure he could tell her not to since nobody would adopt him. Lewis ripped up the blueprint and tried to commander Wilbur’s flying car, and the boys fought over the steering wheel until the time travel car hit a building and crashed. Wilbur had stolen the time machine from his parents and believed they would kill him for breaking it. He explained that there were only two machines, this one and the one the Bowler Hat Guy stole from his garage, so he told Lewis to fix it. The boys made a deal that Lewis would fix the time machine if Wilbur took him to see the female that left him on the orphanage doorstep as a newborn in the pouring rain. Meanwhile in Lewis’ time, the Bowler Hat Guy took his stolen Memory Scanner to InventCo. He convinced the receptionist that he had a 2:00 appointment with the board even though the name for the appointment was Mary Johnson that the guy claimed was short for Marian. The guy opened his girly unicorn notebook and checked off the last task on his to-do list which was passing off the scanner as his own invention since he had already stole the time machine and ruined the science fair. The Bowler Hat Guy freaked out when he was called into the boardroom, so robot Doris held up a screen with words to help him give a speech. He presented the scanner to the board and confirmed that he was Ms. Johnson, which nobody questioned despite the obvious fact that he was a man. The presentation was a dud because Bowler Hat Guy knew nothing about the machine, didn’t know how to turn it on, and it ended up in pieces. He was kicked out into the street with the broken machine, so with Doris’ help he rewrote his to-do list and set out to find Lewis so he could fix the memory scanner and present it again with instructions on how to operate it and get a signed contract from InventCo as an inventor. In future time, Lewis and Wilbur dragged the time machine to the garage, where they had until the morning to fix it since Wilbur’s dad would return from his business trip then and his mom never visited the garage. Lewis met the robot Carl that Wilbur’s dad built, and who was afraid of Lewis and ran scared. Carl told Wilbur there was an almost 100% chance that Wilbur wouldn’t exist if he failed to return Lewis to his home and not disrupt his life further and get the other time machine from Bowler Hat Guy. Wilbur retrieved the blueprints for the broken time machine from Carl so Lewis could rebuild the car. Lewis wandered outside to the door of the Robinson family mansion, where he met Lefty the octopus butler. Lewis then ran into Bud, Wilbur’s grandfather, who was digging holes on the lawn looking for his buried teeth. Bud couldn’t understand why Lewis wore a Chiquita Banana-like fruit basket on his head (hid his blonde hair, but he took Lewis to the house where all of the Robinson relatives lived. Aunt Billie and Gaston were having a race with Billie’s high-tech train, and overweight Uncle Joe lazed in front of the TV. Nobody knew there was a garage, so Lewis and Bud searched for it. Gaston’s brother Art was a pizza delivery guy, and cousins Tallulah and Laszlo played around as their dad Fritz held his wife Petunia who was a hand puppet. She smacked Fritz around and left the room to go for a drive, and Bud commented that she usually rode the Harley. Lucille was dancing in the disco room, and the family dog Buster wore glasses. Uncle Spike and Uncle Dimitri were twin brothers who lived in the potted plants outside the door. Bud took Lewis to meet Wilbur’s mom Franny, who was conducting the frog band led by Frankie the lead singer. One of the frogs was wearing Bud’s teeth, so he took them back. Wilbur found Lewis and quizzed him on everything he just learned about the Robinson family. Wilbur stated that his dad Cornelius looked like Tom Selleck. Meanwhile, Bowler Hat Guy and Doris snuck into Lewis’ room at the orphanage where he had a picture of Nikola Tesla on the wall. Goob appeared with a black eye and told Bowler Hat Guy that Lewis was probably on the roof. Goob explained that he fell asleep during the game and his teammates beat him up and called him “puke face” among other mean names after he failed to catch the ball and the game was lost because he was up all night because his roommate Lewis worked on his gadgets. Goob’s coach told him to let it go, but Bowler Hat Guy advised Goob to let his feelings fester and boil until hate was his ally so he could later get revenge on those who wronged him. Bowler Hat Guy and Doris searched the roof, and Doris found Wilbur’s DNA. They used their stolen time machine to travel back to Todayland where they came from. They parked outside the Robinson house and turned the time machine invisible. Wilbur explained to Lewis that Cornelius was in charge of the Robinson Industries factory, where he mass-produced his own inventions. Cornelius invented the time machine and never gave up even after many failures. Wilbur switched Lewis’ Chiquita hat for a lightning baseball cap that matched Wilbur’s t-shirt. Lewis’ first attempt at repairing the Robinson time machine failed. Robot Doris popped out a mini-Doris robot with a camera so that Bowler Hat Guy could stay in the time machine car and watch on his handheld device the robot hats inside the Robinson house. The robot hats rang the doorbell and got past the potted uncles and Lefty octopus and flying high snuck inside. Lewis had dinner with the Robinsons and he claimed that he was from Canada, which the Robinsons said was now a state called North Montana and confirmed that Canada was no longer a country. A food fight broke out between siblings Franny and Gaston. The PB&J machine malfunctioned, and it was similar to the one Lewis created so the Robinsons asked him to fix it before Uncle Joe had an issue. Bowler Hat Guy put the mini-Doris on Frankie the frog’s head and used it to mind-control him. Frankie pointed out that he was too small to go up against the Robinsons, so mini-Doris returned to its master. The family celebrated when Lewis failed to fix the machine and they advised him to keep moving forward and try again. Lewis said he wanted a family just like them, so the Robinson toasted to Lewis. Bowler Hat Guy then used mini-Doris to control the T-rex topiary statue outside. Doris tried to saw off the chandelier over the table so it would fall on the family, but then the dinosaur came to life and smashed through the glass window into the dining room. It grabbed Lewis and ran, so the Robinsons joined together and fought to save Lewis from the T-rex using robots and cannons among other weapons. Lewis and Wilbur got stuck in the dinosaur’s jaws, so Wilbur used a slingshot to knock mini-Doris hat off the dinosaur’s head and free it from the mind-control. The mafia frogs captured mini-Doris and put it in the trunk of their car. Bowler Hat Guy told Doris robot that little robot Doris now slept with the fishes, so big robot Doris smacked him. Franny wanted to adopt Lewis, and the family was ecstatic when Lewis agreed.However, Wilbur then removed Lewis’ hat to reveal his blonde hair. The Robinsons no longer wanted to adopt Lewis and told him he had to go back to the past where he belonged. Wilbur then admitted that one time machine was broken and the other one was stolen, so Lewis was stuck in the future. Lewis ran off upset when he learned that Wilbur was full of lies and had never really planned to take him back in time to see his birth female. Franny grounded Wilbur until he was dead and left to call her husband Cornelius. Bowler Hat Guy, who offered to take Lewis to find his birth female if he pieced the memory scanner back together, found Lewis. Lewis agreed and left with the wicked man before Wilbur could stop him. Lewis fixed the Memory Scanner machine and told Bowler Hat Guy how to turn it on so he could present it to the board of directors again. However, the guy had crossed his fingers when he made the promise. He declared that crosses didn’t count and he wouldn’t take Lewis back in time when he was a newborn, so Doris tied boy Lewis up. Bowler Hat Guy clued Lewis in that Lewis the boy was Wilbur’s dad Cornelius and Franny’s husband, and the Bowler Hat Guy himself was Lewis’ grown-up roommate Goob. Goob lost the baseball game for his team because he didn’t catch the ball, so Goob was a nobody and never got adopted from the orphanage as Lewis would go on to graduate college at a young age and win Nobel Prizes. Goob believed that nobody liked him even though his classmates invited him over to their houses. The orphanage was later shut down and Goob was left there to spend his days alone. He became Bowler Hat Guy and continued to listen to the radio about all of Lewis’s (later Cornelius) successes. He planned to get revenge by destroying Robinson Industries, but then he fell in love with robot Doris who took him to the Playtime Planet filled with unicorns. Cornelius had invented Doris to help humans, but Doris was too smart for that and became evil. Cornelius shut Doris down and put her in the pile with the other failures. Doris escaped and teamed up with Bowler Hat Guy to take down Cornelius. Wilbur left the garage door open, so Bowler Hat Guy stole one of the time machines. Lewis told the guy to leave the past where it was and move forward so he could better his life, but he refused. Carl and Wilbur rescued Lewis, but then Robot Doris zapped robot Carl and stole back the Memory scanner. Bowler Hat Guy went to the past and presented the scanner and the helping hats to the board, and they were impressed so he signed a contract with them. All the Robinsons then disappeared because all of Lewis’ future inventions as adult Cornelius were null and void. Bowler Hat Guy had only planned to ruin Cornelius’ future, but robot Doris turned on him and recruited the helping hats to terrorize everyone by destroying things and setting things on fire around the city. The Robinson family then appeared wearing hats that were mind-controlling them. Lewis hid inside the time machine and fixed it as the zombies beat on the outside to get to him. Lewis flew away and discovered that the city had been transformed into a giant factory dedicated to mass-producing Doris’ minions using mind-controlled people to do the slave work. Lewis traveled to the boardroom, where he informed Bowler Gay Guy that robot Doris was just using him and would destroy him after he signed the contract. Lewis told robot Doris that he would never invent her, and she disintegrated. Lewis took Bowler Hat Guy back to the future, where the city was restored to its former self now that robot Doris and the robot hats were gone. Wilbur reappeared, and Lewis tried to convince him to have the Robinsons adopt the guy. Bowler Hat Guy then disappeared and left behind his unicorn notebook, in which all of his tasks were scribbled through except for a question mark. Cornelius appeared, and Franny told him that their son was responsible for the mess. Cornelius took Lewis to his lab, where he wouldn’t reveal whether or not they ever got to meet their birth female. Cornelius told Lewis to go back to the science fair and see where that led his life, so Lewis said his goodbyes to the Robinsons. Wilbur then came through on his deal and took Lewis back in time to the rainy night when his birth female left baby Lewis on the doorstep of the orphanage. Lewis almost touched the birth female to meet her, but he didn’t because he knew that wasn’t right. The spooked birth female heard a noise and ran off without knocking on the door, so Lewis knocked and returned to the time machine to watch Mildred open the door. Mildred took the baby inside the building out of the rain and was happy to care for him in the orphanage. Wilbur asked Lewis why he let the birth female go, and Lewis explained that he already had his family and his son Wilbur wouldn’t be there if he changed anything. They hugged, and Wilbur used his time machine to skywrite a goodbye to his dad before he left. Lewis went to the Dinos baseball game and changed history by waking up Goob so he could catch the winning ball for his team. Lewis went to the science fair, where the judges and Mr. Willerstein were still cleaning up the mess. They gave Lewis another chance to demonstrate his memory scanner, and Lucille chose her wedding day to remember. The invention worked, and then Dr. Lucille’s husband Bud appeared. Lewis realized that they were the Robinsons, and the frog girl was Franny and would be Lewis’ future wife. The news showed up to write a story about the whiz kid and his new invention that would be a game-changer for the world. Goob was finally adopted. Lucille and Bud who renamed him Cornelius adopted Lewis. The Robinsons bought the Anderson Observatory and made it their home, and Cornelius set up his lab and kept inventing. The movie ended with Walt Disney’s quote about keep moving forward and letting your curiosity control you. This movie had a budget of $150 million and grossed over $170 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Leah Rozen, People, “A dazzling vision of the future.” John Anderson, Newsday, “A masterpiece.”

TITLE: Christmas Time in South Park

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1997 / 1998 / 1999 / 2000 / 2002 / 2003 / 2004 / 2007 Paramount Pictures / Comedy Central

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This collection is a compilation of 7 not so Christmas-themedepisodes from the long-running animated TV series South Park. The episodes take place in the town of South Park, Colorado. Insanely, the movie cover art on this product recommends that the whole family gather around the fire to watch these episodes at Christmastime. How this garbage ever made it to one season, let alone twenty-seven seasons, is disturbing to say the least. The off the charts offensive and hate-filled material using abusive fictional cartoon kids in the 4th grade and cartoon adults that the producers label “entertainment” is not freedom of speech. Junk like this causes wars to start and terrorists to attack US (the so-called South Park Christmas episode in 1999 no doubt offended a great deal of middle eastern people and not long after the USA was violently attacked on 9/11/2001).

Episode #110, aired December 17, 1997: Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo

This episode began with the South Park Elementary School students practicing a Christmas play about the birth of Jesus. Mr. Garrison, the teacher directing the play, hated on Jesus. Kyle Broflovski’s mom Sheila was outraged that Kyle was playing Joseph when their family was Jewish and didn’t celebrate Christmas. Mr. Garrison called Jewish Sheila a pagan and they swore at each other and then left to discuss with the mayor how Jesus didn’t belong in the schools even at Christmastime. Kyle suggested that they sing songs about Mr. Hankey, a talking poop character who was Kyle’s version of Santa. The kids went outside to use foul language, and they asked the police officer in the street if it was illegal for Jews to eat snowflakes. The officer confirmed it was illegal, and then the kids engaged in a vicious argument by verbally attacking each other’s religions. Kyle sadly broke into song about how he felt like an outcast on Christmas because neither he nor any other Jew believed Jesus was the Messiah. Kyle couldn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to participate in Santa activities with the other kids and Santa didn’t visit his house even though his family celebrated Chanukah. The furious townspeople gathered outside City Hall and told female Mayor McDaniels that church and state should be kept separate and the Nativity scene on city property and in the school play offended them. The priest spoke up and declared that if they were going to remove Jesus from Christmas they had to remove Santa, Frosty, and all the other garbage as well. The young elementary kids argued some more in the audience and swore the f-word calling their parents bit**es. Mayor McDaniels announced that she would have her team work on a new idol for Christmas that wouldn’t offend people of any religion or minority. The mayor informed Mr. Garrison that they couldn’t get rid of all the Mexicans in town as he requested. At home, Kyle’s dad Gerald believed that Mr. Hankey was an imaginary friend and scolded Kyle for obsessing over him. Kyle was sent to brush his teeth without his Chanukah gift that night. In the bathroom, Mr. Hankey “Howdy Ho” plopped out of the toilet to talk to Kyle in his exaggerated Southern accent. The crap character left poop stains wherever he went as he sang Christmas songs. Kyle’s dad overheard and went to check on Kyle. Gerald was irate to find “Noel” written on the bathroom mirror in poop, and Mr. Hankey was no longer alive but was just a piece of crap in Kyle’s hands. Gerald sent Kyle to bed and made his wife Sheila clean up the poop mess. Mr. Hankey reappeared and agreed to go to school with Kyle to prove that he was real and teach everyone the true spirit of Christmas. The next day, the mayor and her team went around town and removed specific decorations according to whoever present was offended by them. The gang of kids gathered around and discussed snooping around in their parents’ closets to find out what their presents were, one being a vibrator and the other a John Elway football helmet. Kyle showed everyone Mr. Hankey in a box, but it was just poop so the kids thought Kyle was sick. Meanwhile at the research center, a scientist measured the brain activity of a group of people to find out which words were offensive and which ones were not and could be used in the public view of Christmas. The word “Christ” was offensive but “bench” wasn’t. The mayor had the Christmas tree removed from the school, and Mr. Garrison informed the students that the new law did not allow them to sing about Jesus or Santa. Eric Cartman sang a hateful song about Kyle’s mom being a stupid bit**, and then Mr. Hankey came to life and flung himself at Cartman’s face. Mr. Garrison thought Kyle threw the poop at Cartman, so Kyle was sent to the school counselor who told Kyle he was nuttier than a Chinese chicken salad. The school counselor advised Kyle to stay away from drugs or alcohol but then prescribed him a heavy dose of Prozac to get him through the Christmas season. Mr. Hankey somehow ended up in the counselor’s coffee cup, and he was disgusted and thought Kyle was demented for putting crap in his coffee. The counselor took Kyle to the theater and Kyle’s friends Stanley, Cartman and Kenny to do something Kyle. The kids took Kyle to the local mental hospital to be committed, and he was put in a straitjacket and locked in a cell based on the children filling out the admissions paperwork. Before the play at school, the audience discussed how great it would be because there were no Christmas decorations in sight and nothing Christian either. Little Kenny was sent up the ladder to remove the star above the stage that offended someone in the audience, and he was scared of the live shark swimming in the tank below. The school chef, Jerome McElroy, sang a neutral song about taking off his lover’s bra and silencing her night. The spectators were appalled by the morbid performance that the kids gave in their matching green suits with a deranged special guest orchestrating the show’s music. The adults fought among themselves blaming each other for the disastrous play. There was then a commercial with live people, where a questionable mom gave her two young children a Mr. Hankey play set. She took them to fish out of the toilet their own pieces of poop and then decorate them to make characters. The mom later discovered that Mr. Hankey was gone because the baby ate the poop, and they all laughed about it. Chef told the kids that Mr. Hankey was real, and they were worried when they realized they had committed Kyle for believing Mr. Hankey. The kids all agreed that they believed in Mr. Hankey, so the piece of poop appeared alive and addressed the crowd. Mr. Hankey (the piece of crap) told them to stop ruining Christmas because it was the one day of the year when everyone was supposed to come together and be happy. The townspeople applauded, and then they went to the mental hospital. Kyle was released, and everyone sang the Christmas Poo song in his honor.

Episode #216, aired December 9, 1998: Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!

This episode began with Stanley Marsh arguing with his parents Randy and Sharon about going to Eric’s grandmother’s house in Nebraska with all the other kids. Sharon refused to go, so her son swore at her and was sent to his room. Stan snuck out his window and planned to go anyway since he was eight years old and had could do what he wanted. Eric’s mom drove the four boys (Eric, Stan, Kyle and Kenny) six hours away to Nebraska. They passed the billboard stating that Mr. Hankey was coming to the local mall, and they all agreed to go because Grandma lived near the mall and Mr. Hankey was now a big celebrity from his movie. Eric complained to his mom about the long drive and suggested they put Grandma in a nearby nursing home so he wouldn’t have to go so far to get presents. When they finally arrived at Grandma’s house, the kids took Jesus’ name in vain and Eric knocked his grandmother off the porch in order to get to his present inside. The kids hated on Eric’s other relatives and complained that the great-grandmother smelled like pee. Eric swore at his grandmother for giving him a shirt and wanted to put her in a home for old people. Uncle Howard was face time on the screen from a penitentiary via satellite so he could participate in the family festivities. The family sat down for a meal, and they all had rude manners and yelled at the dog Jimmy for eating their food. The boys slept in the basement and punched each other in the middle of the night. Uncle Howard jumped through the window and informed them that he just broke out of jail. He brought along his inmate Charles Manson, who busted out with Howard and had a Nazi Swastika tattoo on his forehead. They would lay low in the basement for a few days, so Charlie passed the time by watching a perverted South Park version of “It’s A Wonderful Life.” The kids went upstairs and asked Eric’s relatives to take them to the mall so they could see Mr. Hankey. They refused because they were engrossed in the football game, so the kids left. A breaking news story about Charlie’s prison-break interrupted the game, and the reporter asked anyone who saw Charlie to kick his a** before they called the police. Grandma asked Eric to take care of his little cousin Elvin, and Eric agreed and demanded $10. The kids brought food to the convicts in the basement, and then Charlie announced that he would hot-wire Grandpa’s car and drive the kids to the mall. Stan’s parents called Eric’s mom in Nebraska, and she was happy to hear that Stan’s mom wasn’t dead like Stan told them. Stan’s family headed to Nebraska to retrieve their missing son. The kids waited in line at the mall, and Charlie took Kenny (wearing his orange garb) away to talk privately. Elvin finished his Fudgsicle and started crying, so Eric whacked him over the head with a club and he went brain-dead and silent. The boys caused a riot at the mall when they discovered that Mr. Hankey wasn’t there in person and it was a fake dressed like Mr. Hankey. They called him a false prophet and took off his mask, so the other kids attacked the imposter. The security guards had seen it all before and did nothing as the kids broke glass, stole TVs and set things on fire. The SWAT team arrived, and the mob of kids assaulted the officers and spray-painted on the walls so the officers used tear gas to control the kids. Charlie had watched an episode of Grinch Poo on TV, so Manson went to a salon to get his Nazi tattoo turned into a happy face. Charlie was recognized, so he and the boys sped off in their car with the police in hot pursuit. The officers shot at the car with the kids inside, and the news reported the chase live and explained that Charlie was driving recklessly on the highway with children in the car. Elvin threw his Fudgsicle out the window, and the three police cars swerved to miss it. The police cars wrecked then exploded, so more officers followed. Charlie and the kids made it back to Grandma’s house and hid inside, where Howard held the family hostage with his gun as they tried to watch Phillip and Terrance farting at reindeer on the TV. The police surrounded their house and the news reported live. Stan’s parents arrived. Howard threatened to shoot his family dead if they moved before he and Charlie escaped out the bathroom window. The police threatened bloodshed and the deaths of innocent people if the criminals didn’t show themselves in the time given. Stan joined Charlie and Howard and declared that he was going with them because he didn’t want to be with his family anymore. Charlie tried to talk sense into Stan and explained that Charlie hung around with a gang of friends who he thought were his family, but they just turned out to be criminals that killed people alongside him and real family are the people who take care of you. Charlie apologized to Eric’s family and asked for a white flag so he could surrender to the police. The criminal sent Kenny outside with a white flag, and the police officers shot the child multiple times. Once everyone was out of the house, the police apprehended Charlie and Howard and then beat on little Kenny with their batons because he also wore orange like the convicts. The South Park creators then made Charles Manson out to be a saint, and he sang a tune about happy holidays, happy Kwanzaa and being nice on Christmas Day not letting anything spoil the celebration. The family said their goodbyes to Howard and advised him to watch his butt with those who wanted to have gay sex. The newscaster reported that Charlie was going back to prison to rot and the only thing left to say was “God bless us.” Back in prison, Charlie wrote another book and tried to read part of it to his fellow inmates. They told him to shut up when he spoke about regretting his days of crime and all the murders he committed. The citizens of South Park then appeared in Charlie’s cell and sang carols.

Episode #315, aired December 1, 1999: Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

This episode began with the mailman and a group of kids singing about a gay holiday with Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, who made his own appearance. Cartman went over to Kyle’s house where he was singing to teach his little brother Ike about the dreidel. Cartman added his own twist and sang that dreidels are gay and Jews play stupid games. Kyle’s friends and parents joined in, and Kyle’s dad Gerald sang that he loved hot Courtney Cox. The next song went to hell where Hitler sang “O Tannenbaum.” As all the sinners burned in the flames, Satan sang his song about Christmas in hell. It included Dahmer having sex with a ham and then eating the ham, and JFK was reunited with his son JFK jr. for the holidays since they were both in hell. Chairman Mao was busy making snow angels out of ash, Genghis Khan and Michael Landon were also there and Princess Diana and Gene Siskel were in hell and the two had sex. Andy Dick and his mother were present, and everyone expected Old Saint Nick to join their celebration. Mr. Hankey (piece of poop) narrated that Christmas was about Jesus, and then Eric sang his version of “O Holy Night” and how he got presents because Jesus was born. Instead of “When Christ was born,” Eric replaced it with “When I got presents,” and then stole Jesus’ gifts from the Three Wise Men and left with their camels. In his elementary classroom, Mr. Garrison sang about the different religious beliefs around the world. He explained that the Middle East didn’t celebrate Christmas and instead believed in Muhammed, so he went there every year in a Santa suit and sang songs to the Muslims. He sang Merry f-ing Christmas to the Muslims and declared that it was Jesus’ birthday, so he took off the Muslims’ masks and told them to put away the Koran and get off their heathen Muslim a**es to celebrate. Mr. Garrison then went to India in his Santa suit and greeted them with Merry f-ing Christmas as well. He decorated them in Christmas wreaths and recommended that they get off their heathen Hindu a**es and celebrate. Mr. Garrison told his class that in Japan, everyone lived in sin by worshipping multiple gods and poked themselves with needles. He went to Japan decked out in a Santa suit and declared Merry f-ing Christmas again. He addressed everyone as Shintoists and declared that God would beat them up for being pagan scum. He ended his song telling the kids that he traveled the world wishing a Merry f-ing Christmas to all the atheists, Taoists, Krishnas and Buddhists. Stan’s sister Shelley tried to sing, “Three Ships on Christmas Day” and play the piano but Stan and Kyle laughing about her lisp behind her back interrupted her repeatedly. Shelley stopped multiple times to call them turds and tell them to shut up, but they wouldn’t stop so she changed the lyrics to say that she killed the boys on Christmas Day. She threw the piano at them and walked away. At Mckemick’s night club, St. Nicholas and Jesus both took the stage to sing songs about themselves. It turned into a competition between Santa and Jesus about which one was better. Santa tried to sing a non Christmas song about “Rio,” but Jesus argued that it wasn’t a Christmas song so Santa stormed off upset that there were only four Santa songs and too many f-ing Jesus songs. Jesus convinced Santa to come back by singing neutral “Let It Snow” together. Mr. Hankey floated in the toilet and sang “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,” and then the kids and adults joined in the chorus as Mr. Hankey hopped around leaving a poop trail on the food and furniture. The chandelier fell on top of Kenny and killed him instantly leaving a pool of blood. Hitler and JFK appeared and hugged. Santa, Jesus, Satan, Hitler and the mailman joined them as well. Mr. Hankey was then flushed down the toilet.

Episode #417, aired December 20, 2000: A Very Crappy Christmas

This episode began with Kyle leaving milk and cookies on the toilet for Mr. Hankey when he arrived. Kyle and his brother Ike waited around for hours until their parents took them to bed after the brothers fell asleep on the bathroom floor. Kyle was worried about Mr. Hankey not showing up and snuck out of the house. He met with his fourth-grade buddies, and Eric took Jesus’ name in vain and wanted to go back to bed. Kyle took his friends to the sewer, where they waded through the poop to find Mr. Hankey. They eventually found Mr. Hankey and the poop introduced the kids to his wife Autumn and their children (little nuggets) Cornwallis, Amber, Simon. Mr. Hankey wasn’t around too much because he was busy with his family, so he planned to send his kids to spread cheer aboveground. Autumn offered the kids alcoholic drinks because it was Christmas, and then she suggested taking off her clothes so Mr. Hankey took his drunken wife inside the house. The next day, the kids and the nuggets sang, “Good King Wenceslas” on the street to get everyone in the Christmas spirit, but they ignored them so the kids swore at them. Nobody bought toys from the shops in town and the news reported that according to surveys everyone was sick of Christmas. Some people were interviewed, and one stated that most people didn’t believe in the Jesus part anymore so there was no point in celebrating. The kids changed the channel to Charlie Brown but hated that too, so they decided to make their animated Christmas TV show to help everyone. They planned to have Santa and Jesus star in their town animated Christmas special as Charlie Brown was naked on the TV screen with Snoopy beating him on the head with a wood plank. The boys went to Mayor McDaniel’s office and wanted $300 to fund their animated Christmas card, and the desperate mayor agreed because she was at her wits’ end to save Christmas. Kyle went to Mr. Hankey’s house in the sewer and told them that they had the money. Mr. Hankey headed to fix up the drive-in movie theater, and drunk Autumn made a comment that her husband’s male private part wasn’t working either and needed to be fixed. The boys then went to pick up the cutouts of themselves, Jesus and Santa that Butters made. Butters was a good artist, but they refused to take a cutout of Butters so after they left Butters played with his naked woman cutout. Cornwallis didn’t feel like a piece of poop was part of Christmas because it wasn’t in the Nativity scene or in the movies, so Mr. Hankey gave him a pep talk that Christmas was for everyone even crap. He broke out in a song about the cycle of poo and how it was good for everything. The boys got in another fight calling each other names at the studio. The producer told them they were funny and they should use the “fat boy” and “Jew” slurs for their Christmas specials. The kids hated on Jesus again and tried to animate the show themselves. The mayor toured the broken-down movie theater and told her minions that the kids better pull through and boost the economy so people would shop again otherwise the officials would be out of jobs. The town officials left the clean-up of the theater to the Hankeys. Eric quit on the boys because the animation was taking too long, so Kyle sang a song to encourage everyone to finish the show. Stan did Eric’s voiceover and they sent what they had to Korea for the final print. Kenny was run over by a car when they stepped out into the street, so the kids planned to have him die in the ending. The short film was finished, and the mayor introduced it to the crowd at the theater. Eric appeared and acted like he had helped, and a few seconds into the show the projector broke. Everyone was disappointed and left, and the mayor wanted her $300 back. Cornwallis gave Mr. Hankey a pep talk and told him it wasn’t his fault that the projector didn’t work and convinced him to fix it. There were no gifts that Christmas, so Stan’s grandfather wanted to die. Cornwallis and his dad Mr. Hankey got the projector back up and running, and the townspeople gathered around the screen to watch the film. Jesus told Santa that Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Christ, but Santa argued that it was about giving gifts to loved ones on St. Nicholas’s behalf. The boys told everyone that Christmas was about presents and not religion, and the crowd agreed that commercialism was the spirit of Christmas and everyone benefited from it. The shops were still open, so everyone went to buy gifts. The mayor was ecstatic and offered for the boys to have their own show and make 100 more of the animated shows, but they declined and said that they would rather stab themselves in the head. The boys left singing about Chanukah because Jews got presents for eight days instead of just one day.

Episode #617, aired December 11, 2002: Red Sleigh Down

This episode began with Eric having a violent fit after one of his buddies did the paperwork and told him that he wouldn’t get any presents from Santa that year because he was very naughty and rarely ever nice. Eric swore and attacked the other boy because he was counting on a robot Haibo doll, so the boy informed Eric that even if he cured cancer and AIDs before Christmas he would still owe two presents due to his bad behavior. Eric set out to get into Santa’s good graces by being nice, so he went to the mayor’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony and God blessed everyone. Mayor McDaniels gave a speech about how the Iraqis needed our love because they didn’t do Christmas, and the crowd was mad that the mayor always brought politics into their Christmas celebration in order to get re-elected. The mayor called a disabled child named Jimmy onstage to light the tree, and the crowd (including one man dressed like a stripper Santa with his thong underwear exposed) appeased him by letting him sing his requested song. However, they weren’t thrilled when they discovered that it was a long 12 Days of Christmas song and Jimmy had speech impairment. Eric recruited Stan and Kyle to help him pack up Christmas decorations from his house and give them to the less fortunate people in the Middle East. Mr. Hankey appeared to help the boys get the items to Santa at the North Pole. The Christmas Poo that Mr. Hankey created was a stinky train made out of poop from the sewer and decorated it with lights. They arrived at the North Pole and met Santa and his (part-time underwear) gnome helpers. Eric explained in an innocent voice that he wanted to help the Iraqis have a good Christmas because they were afraid that the Americans would bomb them. Santa decided he would bring world peace to the Middle East, so he loaded up his sleigh with toys while the boys watched from the control room. Santa dropped off presents for the kids in Baghdad, but the adults were angry and fired a missile at Santa’s sleigh. Santa crashed and lost communication with the North Pole, and the gnomes took Jesus’ name in vain. They thought Santa was dead, but then he spoke over the radio and explained that both his legs were broken and all the reindeer were dead. Santa cried for the bastard Iraqis to stay away, but then they took his radio. The boys swore when Eric revealed that he only tried to help the Iraqis to get his cool robot doll that would die if he starved it. They realized that Jesus could save anyone, so they left to find Jesus so Jesus could help them rescue Santa. At City Hall, Jimmy was only on the fifth day of Christmas and the audience fell asleep. Mr. Hankey and the boys used Santa’s backup sleigh number #2 with the reindeer Steven, Fluffy, Horris, Chantel, Skippy, Rainbow, Patches and Montel. Meanwhile, the Iraqis removed Santa’s robe and dragged him to a warehouse where a giant photo of Saddam Hussein was displayed. The man in charge stated that America was sick for their commercialism and giving toys to children, and demanded to know what attack the country was planning against Iraq. Santa knew nothing, so the leader took Santa’s pants off and explained that the Chinese were the first to use electric shock on the testicles. The leader used the torture device on Santa’s private parts and that made St. Nick scream. Santa had no information about America’s plans and threatened to murder the Iraqi. The Iraqi leader countered by continuing to shock Santa’s male parts with a higher voltage and calling him a sick capitalist dog. Mr. Hankey and the boys rode the sleigh to Italy, where they broke through the window of a cathedral and interrupted Jesus as he blessed people like the pope. They explained what happened to Santa, and Jesus announced that they needed a Christmas miracle. Jesus opened up a cabinet inside the church and armed everyone with machine guns, grenades and other heavy artillery. They flew to Baghdad and landed the sleigh on the rooftop of the building that the North Pole gnomes traced Santa to. Two Iraqis appeared, so Jesus put up his hands pretending to go with them. Jesus then told them he was packing too, and then he stabbed one in the neck with a knife and shot the other dead with a gun. As the Iraqis poured motor oil into Santa’s mouth, Jesus and the kids arrived. Jesus shot everyone dead with his machine gun, and then he gave Santa a gun and then Jesus quickly healed St. Nick’s broken legs. The Iraqi leader was still alive, so Santa shot him in the head multiple times and told Jesus the man didn’t deserve to live because he shocked Santa’s nuts. The boys grabbed machine guns and tried to escape with the adults. An Iraqi shot Jesus in the back, so Santa unloaded his gun on the bad guy. Jesus died in Santa’s arms and told him not to let anyone take away the Christmas spirit. Santa and the kids left Jesus’ body in Iraq and headed back to the sleigh shooting everyone in their path. Santa killed multiple people and escaped in the sleigh with the boys. Eric claimed that he only wanted the Iraqis to know the true spirit of Christmas, so Santa turned around and went back to Baghdad to do just that. St. Nick fired missiles at the city and it instantly decorated the buildings with Christmas lights, Christmas trees, presents and music. The boys used a laser to transform the weapons in the Iraqis’ hands into candy canes and presents. By his time, Jimmy finally finished the “Twelve Days of Christmas” song and lit the tree but it didn’t light. The crowd was disappointed that Christmas was ruined again and began to disperse, but then Santa flew overheard and lit the tree. Santa gave a speech about how Jesus gave his life to save Santa, so from that day forward Christmas would be a day for remembering Jesus. Santa left the gifts that the boys wanted under the city Christmas tree, and they all got matching dog robots. However, Eric was angry and threw his toy away because he thought it was gay that his friends got the same gift as he did.

Episode #715, aired December 17, 2003: It’s Christmas In Canada

This episode began with Harry and Elise Gintz, a Canadian couple, showing up at Kyle’s family’s house. They explained that because of the cola wars years ago, they gave their baby Peter up for adoption and he was taken in by Kyle’s parents Gerald and Sheila and renamed him Ike. Now the Canadian couple wanted to take Ike back and explained that the new Canadian prime minister issued a decree that all adopted babies must be returned to Canada. They and Kyle’s parents went to the local courthouse, where the judge declared that he had no authority over the Canadian prime minister and therefore he had to follow the decree and award the child back to the Canadian birth parents. Harry and Elise bribed Ike with chocolate and he was happy to go with them to Canada. Kyle asked his dad if they could appeal, but Gerald explained that they didn’t have the time or money to fight the Canadians in court. Kyle and his young buddies window-shopped for toys, like the machine gun-toting John Elway doll, and he tried to convince them to fly with him to Canada to get Ike back and cheer up his parents who were upset. At the Christmas tree lighting ceremony, teacher Mr. Garrison still wanted to get rid of all the Mexicans and the female mayor told him no again. Chef suggested they give all the money they had planned to spend on presents to the Broflovski family to help them get their son back, and the community agreed. Eric hated on Kyle and screamed at him that it was bad enough the Jews killed Jesus and now they were trying to kill Christmas. Kyle convinced Eric and the other boys to go with him to Canada so they wouldn’t miss out on presents. The boys called the man who owned the Chinese restaurant and a private airline service (City Airlines but he pronounced it as Shity Airlines). They bartered with him to get a flight to Canada for four kids for less than $100, and the Chinese man flew them to Canada in his small plane. The kids and the pilots all fell asleep but woke up when turbulence shook the plane. The pilot realized they would crash, so he parachuted to safety and told the boys they made the wrong choice flying his airline. The plane crash-landed in a Canadian town, and the citizens hid because they believed they were being invaded. The boys miraculously all unharmed and confirmed that they weren’t invaders, so the people sang a happy Canada song to welcome them. Scott appeared and everyone thought Scott was terrible. Scott told the boys to leave because Americans believed they owned every land, but the doctor told Scott off and Scott left. The townspeople instructed the boys to travel the one road to Ottawa to see the prime minister on foot. Along the way, they encountered Rick, a Canadian Mountie riding a sheep because the funding was cut and the Mounties couldn’t afford horses. Rick led the boys towards Ottawa, and they passed through French Canada, which was more eccentric than the quiet town they crashed outside. A French-Canadian mime that talked tagged along with the group so he could protest the prime minister’s new law that didn’t allow them to drink wine. In Newfoundland, Steve the fisherman saved them from Scott who appeared to badmouth Americans again. Steve joined their road trip to Ottawa because he wasn’t pleased that the Canadian prime minister outlawed sodomy. They figured out they were going the wrong way on the road, so before the kids got in a fight Steve offered to take them back in the other direction to Ottawa in his boat. When the group arrived at the Parliament building, the guard told them that the prime minister was on a business trip in China. The boys broke down in tears, and the guard cried as well and confessed that he lied. He took them inside to speak to the prime minister, who was an egg-shaped apparition with a voice (wizard of oz theatrics). Ike was there with his birth parents, and Scott declared that Ike belonged with his own kind the Canadians. Kyle gave a speech that family wasn’t about blood, it was about the people who took care of you like Kyle’s family took care of Ike. The prime minister said no to Kyle and then the Canadian prime minister killed Kenny by zapping him and sending his guts and blood everywhere. Kyle yelled at the apparition that his laws were unjust, and then Stan pulled aside a nearby curtain in the room. Behind the curtain everyone recognized the man as Saddam Hussein voicing the apparition and trying to take over Canada like he did before. The Canadians pounced on Hussein attacking him, and the people realized that none of the new Canadian laws were applicable. The mime was happy to drink wine again, and the Mountie he could ride a horse again, and the fisherman was happy that he could sodomize his boys again. Ike’s birth parents realized that they weren’t his family and gave Ike back to Kyle so they could return to his real family in Colorado in the USA. Eric threatened to beat Kyle up because he didn’t get any presents after all. Kyle lightly smacked Eric’s face, and he wailed like a baby. Rick the Mountie invited the boys to spend Christmas with them Canadian-style. The Canadians held a parade and were happy that the Americans saved them from Hussein and that the Canadians would be a free people now to show their boobs off in public.

Episode #814, aired December 15, 2004: Woodland Critter Christmas

This episode began with Stan sledding in the forest, where he stumbled upon a group of talking woodland animals decorating their Christmas tree. They needed a star to finish it, so Stan helped them make one. Stan left soon after because he thought singing and dancing with them was lame. In the middle of the night, the animals appeared in Stan’s bedroom. They announced that the porcupine was pregnant, but she was a virgin so she was going to give birth to their Lord and Savior. The animals begged Stan to build a manger in the woods for the baby, so he complied half-heartedly. The mountain lion then appeared and scared the animals, but Stan chased the beast off. The critters returned and explained that the mountain lion came every year to eat the newborn that was the son of their Lord. They convinced the boy Stan to go to the lion’s lair and kill it. Stan lured it to a cliff edge, where Stan ducked as the lion pounced on him. The mountain lion fell to its death. However, three cubs came out of their den and tearfully asked man-boy Stan why he killed their mom. Stan returned to the campsite and told the cute woodland animals that he killed the mountain lion. The animals hailed Satan and explained that the porcupine would give birth to the Antichrist, their Savior and Prince of Darkness since only Satan would have sex with a porcupine. The animals then decided to sacrifice the rabbit to the devil, so they cut him open to eat his flesh and drink his blood. They had a blood orgy, which involved the different animal species having sex with each other in the pools of blood. The pairings were the bear and the deer, the mouse and the fox, the beaver and the raccoon, and the porcupine and the skunk. Stan’s conscience was too much and he didn’t want Satan to take over, so he returned to the forest. The critters were ecstatic to see him because they needed the body of a heathen human that didn’t believe in Jesus to transfer the spirit of the Antichrist into. Stan argued that he was baptized and he was a Christian (nobody would know that from his behavior and language). Stan tried to take down the manger so the animals couldn’t go through with the birthing ritual, but they used their demonic powers to create a wall of fire between Stan and the manger. They used blackbirds and a two-headed dog to scare Stan off and told him that only a mountain lion could defeat the Antichrist. Stan left to talk to the three mountain lion cubs that the woodland animals knew nothing about. The cubs were mourning their mom and were upset that Stan killed her. Stan wanted the triplets to kill the baby Antichrist, but they had small teeth and claws and suggested an abortion to do the trick. Stan took the cubs to the nearby abortion clinic and the boy explained that he needed to show the cubs how to perform abortions. The doctor was happy to teach them and explained that he had a bunch of abortions to perform because it was three days before Christmas. They stayed most of the day and watched the doctor do many abortions. Meanwhile, the woodland animals found Kyle alone in the woods and asked him why he wasn’t with anyone on Christmas Eve. Kyle explained he was Jewish and didn’t believe in Jesus, so the creatures celebrated knowing that Kyle would be the perfect host body for the Antichrist. When Stan and the cubs arrived at the manger, the Antichrist was already born and Kyle was tied to the bloody table where the rabbit had been killed. Santa had seen the red star glowing in the sky, so he came down in his sleigh. The animals explained that they birthed the Antichrist with Stan’s help. Stan argued that he tried to stop them but couldn’t. Santa said that he knew how to handle the devil-worshipping varmints. St. Nick then shot the woodland animals all dead with his shotgun, so Stan freed Kyle.However, Kyle then decided that he wanted to have the Antichrist inside him so he could make the world a better place for the Jews. Kyle absorbed the soul of the Antichrist. As it turned out, it was Write Your Own Christmas Story Day in Mr. Garrison’s school class and it was all a story that Eric wrote to hate on Jewish Kyle again. Eric’s story continued with Kyle quickly realizing that it burned and felt horrible to be Satan’s son, so he wanted to take it all back but Santa planned to kill Kyle because it was too late. Stan then came up with an idea and told the mountain lion cubs to do an abortion on Kyle through the butt instead of the female part. The little cubs pulled the newborn porcupine out of Kyle’s butt, and Santa put the Antichrist on a stump and chopped it to death with his axe. Santa gave Stan a special present for everything he had been through. Santa then resurrected the cub’s dead mom as if Santa were Jesus. It was said that Stan went home to enjoy Christmas with a bunch of presents and food. Everyone lived happily ever after, but not Kyle because he died of AIDs two weeks later.

DATE REVIEWED: 9/22/25

TITLE: Brokeback Mountain

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2005 Universal Pictures / Alliance Atlantis / Focus Features / River Road Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in 1963 and began with cowboy Jack Twist getting a ride to Signal, Wyoming from a big rig truck driver. He and another cowboy, Ennis Del Mar, waited outside Joe Aguirre’s office until he showed up because they wanted jobs. Joe gave them work guarding the sheep on Brokeback Mountain and instructed the men not to light fires at night so the Forest Service people wouldn’t find them. They were instructed to stay with the sheep for weeks and he assigned one to meet his guy and fetch the necessary supplies periodically while the other stayed at camp watching the sheep. Before starting their employment, Jack and Ennis met in the bar later to tell their stories to one another. Ennis lost his family ranch when his parents died in a car crash, and his siblings raised him. Jack was a rodeo rider from Lightning Flat, Wyoming, and didn’t like working for his parents, so it was his second year working for Joe. The previous year, Joe blamed Jack when over 40 sheep died from lightning strikes on his watch as though Jack could control the weather. The next day, Jack and Ennis set out on horseback with their packs and used dogs to herd the sheep up the mountains. They ate beans around the campfire and discussed how they wanted their own ranches because Joe forced them to do illegal work. Ennis planned to marry Alma Beers when his job was done. Jack shot at a wolf that was lurking near the flock but he missed. Ennis met with a man to get the supplies and gave him the list for next week. Ennis left with his mules and horse, and they encountered a bear at the creek crossing. Ennis fell from his horse, and the bear scared the mules off losing supplies in the process. Jack waited at the campfire drinking liquor until nightfall, when Ennis finally showed up. He cleaned his bloody head wound. Jack was tired of eating beans. The next morning, Ennis shot an elk for Jake so he would quit complaining about the beans and they ate it. Jack continuously complained about his job sleeping with the sheep and fending off the coyotes, so Ennis switched places with him. Ennis stayed with the sheep while Jack stayed at the campsite cooking meals. Ennis returned to the campsite boasting that he shot a coyote, and then Ennis got naked and used hot water to wash himself. Jack told Ennis that his dad used to be a well-known bull rider but he never taught his son anything or watched him ride in the rodeo. Ennis explained that his siblings were poor and did the best they could to raise him, but they kicked him out after they both got married since there wasn’t enough room for their younger sibling. Ennis’ dad used to rope on their ranch but he thought all rodeo riders were screw-ups. Jack confirmed it by screaming and dancing around and then tripping over the tent and falling on his behind. Jack and Ennis drank around the fire, and Jack sang at the top of his lungs about water-walking Jesus. Jack’s family believed in the Pentecost, and Ennis asked what it was since his parents were Methodist. Jack didn’t know either but believed the Pentecost was the end of the world when the two of them would go to hell. Later that night, Ennis tried to crawl drunkenly away from the campsite to tend the sheep but he couldn’t so he planned to leave at first light after he slept it off. Ennis didn’t want to share the tent with Jack, so Jack gave Ennis a blanket. Ennis shivered on the cold ground and couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night, so Jack convinced drunken Ennis to sleep in the tent. Jack knew how intoxicated Ennis was and put Ennis’ arm around him. Ennis freaked out and pulled away, so Jack pulled Ennis close and began unbuckling his pants. The two men had sex. The next morning, Ennis saddled his horse to go check on the sheep. Jack said he would see Ennis at supper, but Ennis was horrified about what happened the previous night while he was inebriated and rode off. Ennis then discovered that a predator had killed one of the sheep. At the campsite naked Jack washed his clothes in the stream. The two later sat with the sheep and discussed what happened between them. They agreed that neither of them was queer and it was nobody’s business if they wanted to have a sex fling together. That night, Ennis and Jack stayed in the tent together, kissed and had sex again. The next morning, the men played half-naked at the campsite instead of tending the sheep. A distance away in the woods, boss man Joe watched the two gay acting men through his binoculars. Joe waited until Ennis left to give Jack the message that his uncle Harold was in the hospital with pneumonia and he wasn’t expected to live. Jack’s mom had sent Joe there, and they agreed that nothing could be done unless Jack could cure pneumonia so Jack stayed on the mountain and Joe left. There was a bad thunderstorm that night with hail, so Jack and Ennis stayed in the tent again. The next morning, they went to find the sheep and discovered that the sheep ran off in the storm and had mixed with the sheep belonging to the Chilean herders. The paint brands on the sheep washed off in the rain, so Jack and Ennis picked out random sheep from the mixed flock to get the right number to match Joe’s sheep count. After a snowstorm, Joe appeared to give the news that Jack’s uncle Harry didn’t die from pneumonia. Joe instructed Jack and Ennis to bring the sheep down early because a bigger storm was on the way. Ennis wasn’t happy to be out of a month’s pay. Before Jack and Ennis left, they got into a play scuffle that ended with them giving each other a bloody nose (Ennis wiped on his shirt) and (Jack) bruised face. Once the sheep were put in the pen and counted, Joe wasn’t pleased that some of them weren’t from his flock and the count was off so he told the men they didn’t do well. Ennis helped Jack fix his truck and get the truck running, and the two male lovers said their goodbyes. Ennis and Alma would get married in November, and Jack would work at his dad’s ranch for the winter and come back the following year to work for Joe. After Jack drove off, Ennis went to the barn and cried over his gay experience that affected him mentally in a negative way. After that, Ennis and Alma got married in a church and said their vows. Ennis worked construction, and Alma was soon pregnant as they watched a movie at the drive-in theater. The next summer, Jack went to Joe’s office to see if there was work but Joe didn’t want Jack around. Jack asked Joe about Ennis, and Joe said he didn’t pay the two men to have sex while the dogs babysat the sheep. Joe refused to hire Jack again and told him to get out. Ennis and Alma lived on a small farm property, and he returned from working after days away with his horse and truck. His wife slaved in the kitchen washing the clothes while Ennis helped with their two children since baby Jenny was crying and little Alma Jr had a runny nose. They discussed moving to the town of Riverton and renting the space over the Laundromat because Alma didn’t like the lonely ranch life and they believed it would be better for their girls to play with other kids and also for Jenny to be away from the dust since she had asthma. Ennis then had sex with his wife. Jack went back to the rodeo circuit and did four seconds on a bull, which was called a good ride. At the bar, Jack tried to buy a rodeo clown a beer and hook up with him but the man wasn’t interested and walked away. He whispered to his buddies at the pool table, so Jack left the bar. Ennis, Alma and the girls moved to Riverton and attended the Fourth of July festivities. Two biker dudes showed up drunk and sat behind the family talking loudly about getting sex from the local girls, so Ennis fought off one of the dudes. The other one didn’t want to fight and squirmed away as the fireworks went off. Alma held the children and got a glimpse of her husband’s violent side. At another rodeo, Jack had an encounter with and was attracted to Lureen Newsome, a barrel racer from Childress, Texas. Lureen had lost her hat and Jack returned it to her, so she watched his bull ride. He had one of the best rides and went to the bar that night where the bartender informed him that Lureen’s dad sold high-end $100,000 farm equipment in Texas. Lureen approached Jack with her invitation to mate and the two slow-danced on the floor. Jack and Lureen later drove to a remote area and had sex in the car. One day, Ennis struggled to carry the baby and the toddler in his arms to the grocery store where Alma worked. Ennis dumped the kids with his wife at her job and announced that he had to go to work because his boss needed him and he would be back later that night. Alma had three more hours of work, so she planned to call her sister and have her watch the girls. Jenny knocked over a display and broke multiple glass jars, and Alma’s boss Monroe cleaned up the mess while Alma left with the kids so the broken glass would not cut the children. Meanwhile, Jack and Lureen married in Texas and had a newborn son named Bobby. Lureen’s parents L.D. and Fayette bought her 120 cans of baby formula. Alma gave Ennis a postcard that came for him from Jack explaining that he was coming to town, and Ennis told Alma that Jack was a rodeo junkie and the two used to go fishing together. Ennis mailed Jack a postcard in response to visit him. Alma wanted to get a babysitter and take Jack out to eat, but Ennis declared that he and Jack would go to the bar and get drunk. Ennis waited all day and was on his 7th Budweiser by the time Jack arrived. They hugged each other and then went to the side of a building to passionately kiss. Alma went to the door to greet Jack but shocked, she went back inside when she witnessed the two men kissing passionately. They were both out of breath when they made it inside the house and didn’t talk much with Alma. Alma was speechless and upset but her husband cared not. Jack didn’t bring Lureen and their eight-month-old son, so he and Ennis went to a seedy motel and had sex. They had been apart for four years, and Jack explained that he met Lureen in Texas and her rich dad didn’t like him. The army didn’t recruit him because he was too busted up from his days in the rodeo. The two men reminisced about how they loved the Brokeback days together and how Ennis was stuck in a life making a living for his family. Ennis returned to his house the next morning and told Alma that he and Jack were going fishing up the mountain for a few days. Ennis didn’t believe he would get fired because the foreman owed him for working through a blizzard the previous Christmas. He quickly packed his bags and said goodbye to his toddler and wife, who later broke down in tears after he left because she knew what her queer acting husband was up to. On the mountain, Jack and Ennis jumped naked off ledges together and went swimming. They said prayers around the campfire thankful they were together and discussed how they might be able to get a small ranch to live on because Lureen’s rich dad would pay Jack to leave. Ennis told his lover that eventually they would end up dead like the two gay men who lived together on a ranch. One of the men was found dead in a ditch strung up by his private parts until they fell off, and Ennis’s dad made sure that nine-year-old Ennis and his brother saw it. Ennis thought maybe his dad killed the man, and he explained that he and Jack couldn’t live in the same house and could only get together once in a while. Jack was angry that they could only meet every few years in order to keep their secret. Back at home, Ennis swore at Alma for taking an extra shift at work and leaving him to take care of the kids. Months later, Jack sent Ennis another postcard that he was coming to visit for a week and Alma saw the mail first. Before Jack left, he told Lureen they needed to hire a tutor for their son Bobby at school. Lureen did the books for her parent’s company and Jack worked for his in laws as a salesman. Lureen wasn’t happy that Ennis couldn’t visit them in Texas and Jack was the one driving to Wyoming two or three times a year to see Ennis. Alma wanted Ennis to take a job at a power company for better pay so they could have a house of their own, but her husband refused. Ennis left home without giving his wife a kiss and promised the girls he would be back for the church picnic the following weekend. Jack and Ennis met numerous times on Brokeback Mountain. As the months went by, the men continued working at their jobs and had sex with their wives while pining for the time they could be together again. Alma discussed having protection so they wouldn’t have any more kids since they were behind in their bills, but Ennis took offense to that so Alma agreed she would have them if he supported them. In the next scene, Alma and Ennis were in court to get a divorce, and she got custody of the kids while Ennis had to pay $125 in child support per child each month until they reached 18. Jack showed up again from Texas at Ennis’ new Wyoming Riverton house after he received the letter that Ennis’ divorce went through. Ennis introduced the now older girls to Jack, and Ennis explained that he wasn’t doing anything with Jack this time because he only got to see the girls once a month and he missed them the previous month. Jack was disappointed and left in tears promising to return the following month. Jack drove 14 hours back to Texas crying as he played Emmylou Harris, and then he drove across the border to Mexico where he solicited gay sex in the outskirts of the party town. Lureen’s parents L.D. and Fayette came over for Thanksgiving. Bobby was distracted by the football on TV, so Jack shut the TV off until they were finished eating. L.D. turned it back on because he thought boys should watch football to grow up right. The battle ended with Jack called his father-in-law an ignorant SOB and told him to sit down because it was Jack’s house and Lureen spent three hours cooking the meal. Jack wouldn’t allow L.D. to undermine him in front of his son, so Grandpa shut up and sat down. Lureen hid her smile and seemed pleased with the outcome. Alma was pregnant with her new husband/boss Monroe and invited her ex husband Ennis over to Thanksgiving dinner with them. In the kitchen after the meal, Alma told Ennis he should remarry because she and the girls were worried about him. Alma confronted Ennis about his fishing trips with Jack and explained that she tied a note to Ennis’ fishing pole telling him to bring home fish five years ago. The note was still there when he returned because he never used the fish pole, and Alma admitted that she knew what Ennis and Jack were doing and Jack was nasty. Ennis attacked Alma and then stormed out of her nice new house that Ennis never cared to provide for his family. Ennis drove to the bar and stepped out in front of a truck causing the driver to slam on the brakes. The driver swore at Ennis to watch where he walked in front of traffic, so Ennis grabbed the man through his driver’s window and attacked the bigger man who got out of the truck and pounded Ennis into the pavement. Ennis and Jack reunited on Brokeback Mountain to ride horses and camp out again. Ennis asked Jack if Lureen ever suspected that he was secretly gay and was surprised that Jack was able to live a normal life with his wife and son with nobody knowing. Ennis believed that everyone in town knew about him and it broke up his marriage. Jack suggested that Ennis move to Texas, but Ennis didn’t think that Lureen would adopt his girls and make them one big happy family. They both went home. Another time, Ennis went to a bar. Ennis hooked up with the waitress Cassie Cartwright. Meanwhile in Texas, Jack and Lureen met up with their neighbor friends Randall and Lashawn Malone. Randall worked on a ranch for Roy Taylor and Lashawn got a job at Neiman Marcus. As the two men sat outside on a bench Randall suggested that he and Jack meet up at Roy’s cabin to go “fishing.” In Wyoming, Ennis took his teen daughter Alma Jr. to the bar and she wasn’t so pleased that Ennis was dating Cassie. Ennis and Cassie danced to the Allman Brothers’ “Melissa” song. Ennis drove Alma Jr. home by himself. Alma Jr. asked her dad if she and Jenny could live with him because their mom was stricter with them now that the baby was born. The girls wanted freedom, but Ennis refused because he would be busy with the roundup and wouldn’t be home. On the mountain, Ennis and Jack drank liquor and smoked pot. They talked about how Ennis’ girlfriend Cassie wanted to go to nursing school, and Lureen was good with business but bad with marriage. Jack admitted he was having an affair with a neighbor, but he missed Ennis very much. The Brokeback men spent a week together, and as they were leaving, Jack decided he would visit his parents before he went back to Texas. Ennis announced that he wasn’t going to meet up with Jack again until November which was months away, and Jack was upset. Jack was sick of the cold weather and wanted to move to Mexico, and he declared that it was now as hard to see Ennis as it was to see the Pope. Ennis explained that he couldn’t quit his job because he had child support to pay and Jack had no idea what it was like always being broke. Ennis called Jack out on going to Mexico to satisfy himself, possibly with young boys, and Ennis threatened to have Jack killed for that. Jack went off on Ennis because he couldn’t be satisfied with a few rendezvouses at Brokeback Mountain for the past 20 years like Ennis could. Jack wanted to have a daily gay relationship and told Ennis not to judge him for his visits to Mexico. Ennis told Jack to leave him alone because Jack was the reason Ennis was messed up (and far from Jesus), unsuccessful and had nobody. Ennis broke down and cried in Jack’s arms, and then they resolved their issues and went their separate ways again. As Ennis ate at a diner, Cassie came in with her new boyfriend Carl. Cassie confronted Ennis and said she didn’t get him, and he apologized for the pain he caused her by not returning her messages. Cassie admitted that she was in love with Ennis and left in tears. Ennis received a postcard stating that Jack had died at 39 years old, so he called Lureen to get the scoop. She explained that Jack had an accident when he was blowing up a tire and he was killed from a broken nose, broken jaw and other life-threatening injuries. She coldly explained Half of Jack’s ashes were in Texas and the other half were at his parents’ house, but Jack had always requested to be buried on Brokeback Mountain so Lureen suggested Ennis help with that since she now knew that Jack and Ennis were on Brokeback Mountain together after Ennis told her so on the phone. She told Ennis to talk to Jack’s parents in Lightning Flat so he could obtain the other half of Jacks’ ashes and carry out Jack’s wishes. Ennis visited Jack’s parents’ and discovered that Jack had visited them in the spring with another man who was his neighbor in Texas. Jack had wanted to break up with Lureen and build a cabin to live in with the new man, and not Ennis anymore, like their son had talked about in previous years. Jack’s mom told him to visit her son’s bedroom. Jack did and in Jack’s bedroom Ennis retrieved his missing bloody shirt that Jack kept in his room. Jack’s parents announced that Jack would be buried in the family plot and not on Brokeback Mountain and invited Ennis back and then Ennis left. Soon after, 19-year-old Alma Jr. visited Ennis at his new camper home in the trailer park. She drove her new boyfriend Kurt’s Z-28 Camaro and told her dad she was no longer dating Troy. Alma announced that she and Kurt were getting married at the Methodist church in June. She invited Ennis to the wedding, and he said he had to work but decided he would go to his daughter’s wedding anyway. They drank to Alma’s marriage, and then she drove off. The movie ended with Ennis opening his closet door where he kept a picture of Brokeback Mountain and where his bloody shirt hung that he still cried over the lunacy of it all. This movie had a budget of $14 million and grossed over $179 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Joel Siegel, Good Morning America, “The best film of the year!” Clay Smith, The Insider, “A movie that is destined to become one of the great classics of our time.”

DATE REVIEWED: 9/17/25

TITLE: The Kids Are All Right

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Universal Pictures / Focus Features / Gilbert Films / Antidote Films / Mandalay Vision / Inferno Distribution / Saint Aire Productions / Artist International / 10th Hole Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in California and began with 15-year-old Laser Allgood and his questionable friend Clay skateboarding and biking in the road. Clay knocked over recycling bins in the street and then the two boys snorted cocaine at Clay’s house. The illegal drugs made the teens act out of control and they disrupted Clay’s dad as he watched TV so the adult male put Clay in a headlock and sent them to Laser’s house. Laser’s older sister Joni and her friends Jai and Sasha played a board game together. Sasha bragged about having sex all the time and suggested that Joni and Jai do it already. Later that night at dinner, Joni and Laser’s two moms Nicole and Jules kissed after Nicole got home from her job as an ob-gyn doctor.Jules bought a truck for her new landscape design business that Nic knew nothing about. Nicole couldn’t handle that so she drank more wine. Laser got a call from delinquent Clay boasting that he shaved a dog’s hair off. Joni wrote thank-you cards for her 18th birthday gifts after her mom reminded her multiple times to do so. Laser asked his eldest sister now of age again to look into who their sperm donor dad and find out who he was. Joni refused to do that for her underage sibling because she was leaving for college soon and didn’t want to upset her moms. In their marriage bed, Nicole and Jules discussed the purchase of the truck and resolved the issue by having oral sex while watching a porn movie with gay men. Meanwhile, Joni snuck around the house and retrieved a file from the office of her moms that had the donor information that Laser wanted, and she saw a toddler boy photo attached. The donor was Paul Hatfield, who owned an organic restaurant called the WYSIWIG. Shortly after, Paul got a call from the Cryobank requesting his permission to reveal his name to the young lady who asked for it and he agreed. Paul and his employee Tanya had meaningless sex at his house and he told her about when he was a donor. Later on, Paul called Joni, and she explained that she called the sperm bank on behalf of her brother who wanted to meet Paul but Laser was underage. Joni explained that Laser was her half-brother because her mom and Laser’s mom both had a child by Paul’s sperm donation. Joni confirmed that her parents were lesbians, and Paul claimed that he loved lesbians. Barely of age and still living at home teen Joni kept the conversation private from her moms and took her younger brother to meet Paul at his restaurant. They discussed how Joni planned to attend college in the fall on a science scholarship, and Laser was on multiple sports teams. Paul wasn’t a big fan of team sports. Joni wanted to create an instant connection with Paul even though he had no bond with either of them. Paul also owned an organic farm, so Joni claimed that she was into the local, organic American food that Laser didn’t know his sister liked. Laser liked Paul better when he found out Paul had a BMW motorcycle even though the moms were against dangerous motorcycles. The siblings left, and Laser believed that Paul was full of himself and Joni insisted that they not tell their moms about the encounter with Paul. Nic and Jules watched Nat Geo on the couch that night, and Laser refused to give them hugs and left the house to go to Clay’s. Nic and Jules wondered whether Laser and Clay were experimenting with a gay relationship because the two moms believed Laser’s teen age was the right time for exploring. Another day at work, Paul told Tanya about his meeting with the kids. Brooke flirted with Paul, and Tanya wasn’t pleased that Paul seemed to have a sexual relationship with them both. Laser and Clay went to the moms’ bedroom looking for a joint but instead found their sex vibrator and an X-rated film. The boys put the movie in to watch it but couldn’t believe it was about gay men and not lesbians. They were caught when Jules came home early. The moms later had a chat with Laser about it, and he asked why the two boys watched the movie on the computer. Jules explained that gay men having sex turned on lesbians. They asked if Laser was having a relationship with someone, and he thought they were talking about Paul while the moms believed Laser was having a gay relationship with Clay. Laser revealed that Paul was his sperm donor and Joni set up the meet and greet, and the moms were shocked. Laser realized that Nic and Jules thought he was gay so he clarified to them that he was not. The moms waited for Joni to join them for a family meeting so they could all have a conversation about the biological dad over Dr. Nic’s glass of wine. The moms tried to pass it off as nothing, but Joni wanted to see Paul again but Nic said no until she and Jules met Paul. The lesbian moms agreed in bed how they would kill Paul with kindness and be done with him so they wouldn’t have to share their kids with him. Paul later came over with a bottle of wine that he used to win Nic over in a heartbeat. They all had lunch with the kids. Nic asked Paul about his international relations studies that he put on the sperm donor paperwork. He explained that he dropped out of college because he thought it was a waste of money and he could learn whatever he needed from a book. Nic and Jules weren’t happy to hear it because Joni was off to college, and they pried it out of Paul that he had never been married or divorced. He was focused on his restaurant and was okay with having sex with people (his employees) whenever he wanted. The moms told Paul that they met at UCLA and had a lesbian moment when Jules’ tongue went numb and Nicole gave Jules a Valium and helped her get the “feeling” back and they’ve been together ever since. Nicole was a women’s doctor, and Jules’ Balinese furniture import business didn’t work out so she was now operating a landscape business. Nic insisted that Joni recite her graduation speech for Paul, but Joni took Jesus’ name in vain and refused. Paul won Jules over by hiring her to do landscaping for his backyard home since he didn’t have time. Jules met with Paul soon after at his home, and she could see his facial expressions matching her kids, but somehow they worked around the weirdness of that and semi designed his backyard. Joni, Jai and Sasha hung out again playing Scrabble in the bedroom. Joni shared a picture of her donor dad and warned Sasha to stay away from him because the teen thought he was hot and wanted to date the older man like she did with every other male. Nicole asked Laser about signing his name to a get-well card and threatened to not take him to the Dodgers game if he didn’t. Laser declared that he didn’t care because he had plans with Paul anyway, which didn’t please Nicole. On Saturday, Paul joined Laser with a video camera to film Clay skateboarding off the roof of a building onto a dumpster below. Clay seriously hurt his arm and swore at Laser, so Paul drove Clay to his house. Paul told Laser afterward that Clay had issues and Laser shouldn’t hang out with him, but Laser stood up for Clay as he did with his moms. Paul explained that he thought donating sperm was better than giving blood plus he liked helping people that could not have kids. Paul confessed that got paid $60 for each donation, which was a lot of money to a college kid back then, and today it would be about $90. Laser felt worthless, so Paul said he was glad he did it to make Laser feel he was worth more than $60. Nic surprised Jules with a candlelit bath, and then Nic left to get something and never came back. Jules went to find Nic talking to one of her patients on the phone, which Jules wasn’t happy about. At Paul’s house, Jules’ Hispanic gardener Luis left for the day and Jules told Paul she ought to leave too. Paul tried to give Jules a homemade pie he baked, and then the male and female adults kissed passionately. Another day, Joni helped Paul in his restaurant garden. Nic called Joni, but she declined the call and told Paul that her mom was a control freak. Joni believed she was now a responsible adult and didn’t need her mom (yet mom paid for everything still). Laser hung out with his so called buddy Clay again. The teen boys saw a stray dog in the alley. Clay told Laser to hold the dog while he unbuckled his pants to pee on the dog’s head. Laser scared the dog off, so Clay punched Laser in the face and so Laser stormed off. Meanwhile, Paul took Joni home on his motorcycle, and Joni disrespected Nic and hated on her mom who raised her for 18 years and she still lived with and Joni believed she was in control of her own life and could do what she wanted now that she was of age. Paul freely gave advice that set Joni off on her mom, so Nic told Paul off because he hadn’t been in Joni’s life all through the years even though Paul wanted to try now. Jules went to work at Paul’s house the next day, and it didn’t take long for Jules and Paul to have sex multiple times. Jules forgot about Luis working outside and went out of the house in her bare feet and sloppy dressed clothes to talk to him and the hired help knew what she was up to with her boss. While playing basketball, Paul and Laser talked about their opposite opinions on cremation versus burial. Nicole and Jules had dinner with friends Stella and Joel, and Paul came into the conversation and set Dr. Nicole off so she was drinking a lot. Nicole went to the bar and Jules followed. Nic drank more heavily because she thought Paul was interfering with their family, and Jules argued that Paul wasn’t even though Jules was secretly having sex with Paul.The females had an argument about being attracted to each other and then they left the restaurant. Jules and Paul had sex at his house again and were interrupted when Joni called and heard her mom’s voice. Paul lied that Jules was at Home Depot, and then Jules went outside and confronted Luis about going to Home Depot. He confirmed that he just got back and couldn’t hide his laugher after overhearing Jules and Paul, so Jules fired Luis. In bed that night, Nic tried to cuddle Jules but she brushed Nic off. Nic addressed the family and suggested that they all have dinner at Paul’s house so she could see the progress Jules was making and get to know Paul better like they all did. The kids agreed, but Jules was skeptical because nothing much had been done landscaping-wise during her time there. Jules tried to hurry up and get something done in the backyard. Jules then told Paul she couldn’t keep having sex with him because she was married to her female partner Nic. However, Jules and Paul then ended up in his bed together again.She voiced her concerns that she shouldn’t have fired Luis, and Paul confessed that he was falling in love with Jules. Tanya and Paul chatted after work one night discussing how it was a successful night with a lot of winos. Paul told employee Tanya that they would no longer be having a sexual relationship because he needed something serious so he could have a family, and Tanya was very upset. They all met at Paul’s house for dinner, where the two moms made out in the backyard. Jules told Nic that she fired Luis because he had a drug problem even though he claimed he had allergies. Nic and Paul hit it off and sang a song by Joni Mitchell who Nic listened to in high school and named her daughter after. They discussed his specialty cooking that they both liked, and then Nic excused herself to use the bathroom. Inside Paul’s bathroom, Nicole found clumps of her wife’s hair in the brush and shower drain, so she snooped in the bedroom and found Jules’ underwear on the nightstand. Nicole quietly returned to the table, and Jules noticed her wife’s sudden behavior change. Back at their home of ten years, Nicole confronted Jules about the affair and the evidence she found at Paul’s house. Jules admitted to sleeping with Paul, and Nic wanted to know if Jules was now straight. Jules claimed that she was still a lesbian and it was Nicole’s fault for the affair, as she felt unappreciated.They continued arguing over one of the lesbian moms having sex with a guy. Nic left the bedroom to get water and discovered Joni and Laser outside the door eavesdropping. In the middle of the night, Jules went to Joni’s room to talk to her about what happened. Joni told Jules to go away, so Jules went to Laser room and talked to him. Laser listened to Jules say that her relationship with Paul was over, and Laser had no questions. Nic totally ignored Jules and went to work as usual as Jules slept on the couch. Joni hung out in her bedroom with Sasha discussing the moms’ situation. Paul called Joni, and she told Paul that he was a fake and she knew about his affair with Jules so Joni hung up on him. Paul then called Jules, and she explained what happened. Paul told Jules that he wanted to start a new life with her and the kids, but Jules told Paul she was gay and hung up on him. Meanwhile, Joni went to a teen drinking party and decided to talk to Jai and take their relationship to the next level. Joni made out with Jai and then walked away, and he wasn’t sure what was going on with her. Joni drove herself home drunk and confronted her moms. Nic was reading the New England medical journal in bed but came downstairs to see what was going on. Joni told them that she got all straight A’s and did everything they asked for so they could have the perfect lesbian family, even though it turned out one mom liked men after all. It was then time for college so Joni ate dinner with her family one last time at their home. Laser called his moms out for crying so Jules told her son that she wished he were gay so he would be more sensitive. Paul appeared at the door, and Joni answered it and stepped outside to talk to Paul alone. Paul apologized again and wanted to see Joni in the future because he did care about her but Joni didn’t know if that was what she wanted. Nicole came to the door and told Paul to get out because it wasn’t his family to steal and he should go get a family of his own if he wanted one so Paul left on his motorcycle. Later on, as Nicole and the kids watched Nat Geo TV, Jules interrupted everyone and shut the TV off. Jules gave a speech that she messed up, marriage was hard and if she read more Russian novels she probably wouldn’t make such a mess out of her life. Jules stated that she did love her wife Nicole and apologized to her family hoping they would forgive her. The next day, Nic, Jules and Laser dropped Joni off at college. She told her brother she was sorry he had to be left alone with the two moms, and then she hugged them. The trio left the campus, and Laser told NIcole and Jules they shouldn’t break up because they were too old, so the two moms held hands as they drove their son home. This movie had a budget of $4 million and grossed over $34 million at the box office. Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly, “Funny, smart and sexy!” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone “Hilarious, heartfelt and irresistible!” Manohla Dargis, The New York Times, “A generous, nearly note-perfect portrait of a modern family.” Michael Phillips, At the Movies, “One of the best films of the year!”

DATE REVIEWED: 9/14/25

TITLE: London Has Fallen

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Universal Pictures / Gramercy Pictures / Millennium Films / G-Base Productions / Focus Features / Lionsgate / Universum Films / Bontonfilm

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with the news reporting about 80,000 residents of the Philippines, Asia’s largest Catholic country, fled after gunmen opened fire in a shopping mall and bombed a hotel building. Hundreds of people were killed and injured, including multiple police officers in other hallmark terrorist attacks as the officials attempted to capture a highly wanted terrorist. The Philippine people had no suspects, but Western governments traced the chemicals back to Pakistani arms dealer Aamir Barkawi, whose family was attempting to conquer the world with the sale of arms. Aamir’s son, Kamran, arrived in Pakistan after he led the attacks in the Philippines. Kamran informed his dad that one of their Pakistani ISI agents was compromised after coming in contact with a German official who he then killed. Aamir ordered for the rest of the German’s family to be killed. The US government sent a spy to infiltrate the Pakistani terrorist camp during the wedding of Aamir’s daughter. He confirmed the target’s location via text, and the officials at the air force base in Nevada reported back to the Pentagon. The U.S. government officials sent a missile to explode the terrorist camp and kill everyone there. Two years later in Washington D.C., Secret Service Agent Mike Banning beat USA President Benjamin Asher when they were jogging. Mike took a week off to finish the nursery since his wife Leah was pregnant, and then he worked on his resignation email but did not send it yet. President Asher got the call that British Prime Minister James Wilson died in his sleep in London from a heart attack that was believed to be a complication of knee surgery. Leah gave Mike the call from the White House and planned to have her mom Doris stay at the house while Mike went to work. In London, arrangements were made for Wilson’s funeral at St. Paul’s Cathedral because dozens of world leaders would be in attendance except for Russia. The royal family would hold their own ceremony St. James’s Palace. The only question the UK security team had was if the US officials would bring the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders or the Kardashians for their circus appearance. Mike and Secret Service Director Lynne Jacobs met with Asher and advised him they were uncomfortable with him leaving the country on short notice because they couldn’t secure the area before the president arrived and he could be an easy target. They explained that it was a terrorist’s playground because 40 different countries with 40 different security teams would be gathering in one area and anyone could dress up as someone different and nobody would know otherwise. Vice President Allan Trumbull arrived and wasn’t pleased that he was called away from his vacation at Jekyll Island. Mike and Lynne were assigned to accompany Asher to London for three days, and he had a hard time saying goodbye to Leah because she was two weeks away from delivery but was in good hands with Doris. On the plane abroad, Lynne accepted Mike’s invitation to be the godmother of HIS unborn child. At Scotland Yard, the Metropolitan Police prepared for the arrival of the world leaders. Mike secretly moved up Asher’s arrival time in order to keep the USA President safe, and London was surprised. A few world leaders arrived in London but were each in different areas of the city. Japanese Prime Minister Tsutomu Nakushima was stuck in traffic on the Chelsea Bridge. Italian Prime Minister Antonio Gusto treated his 30-year-old wife Viviana were on a private tour of Westminster Abbey. French President Jacques Mainard arrived by boat but told his security to give him ten more minutes. German Chancellor Agnes Brucker was at Buckingham Palace and received a white rose from a very young girl in the crowd. US President Benjamin Asher, Mike and Lynne exited the limo and stood outside the cathedral talking with officials. Hundreds of spectators gathered behind the gates. At a checkpoint in route to the Church, a terrorist dressed as a Metropolitan officer made a good show of checking for bombs under Canadian Prime Minister Robert Bowman’s car with his device but instead the criminal expertly attached a bomb underneath the vehicle and left the area. As the limo moved on and drove past Trafalgar Square, it exploded. More terrorists dressed as British royal guards fired off their machine guns and shot dead Chancellor Bruckner and her security guards. Another Metro police imposter in a limo shot a police officer in the head. Mike witnessed it and shielded President Asher. Chaos ensued with a shootout between the real Metro police and the police imposters, and another terrorist emerged from a first responder vehicle and fired a missile at one of the cars to blow it up. Mike tried to lead Asher into the cathedral, but someone from the British Catholic church had shut the doors to lock the USA team on the outside with the terrorists. Another terrorist disguised as a Metro officer threw the grenade on the car. Mike shot dead some of the imposter officers and the fake ambulance as more cars went up in flames. One landed on top of Asher’s limo as Mike and the secret service hid behind it with the president. Meanwhile, two police vehicles loaded with explosives drove in opposite directions down the walkways of the Chelsea Bridge. They blew up simultaneously so the center of the bridge collapsed and President Nakushima’s car and other cars fell to their deaths in the water below. One of the two Westminster Abbey twin towers where Prime Minister Gusto and Viviana were standing blew up and collapsed. A cargo ship passed Prime Minister Mainard’s boat on the river and then exploded. Chief Kevin Hazard of England’s Metropolitan Police learned of the attack and called for counter-terrorism measures. After more gunfire, President Asher, Mike and Lynne escaped the scene in an SUV driven by Agent Voight who had just arrived to pick them all up. More terrorists on motorcycles and more terrorists in stolen Metro police cars pursued them. Communication was down so Mike couldn’t call for the Marine One helicopter to pick up the USA President (aka Southpaw). The dangerous terrorists shot multiple rounds into the SUV, so Voight used the car to ram into the police cars. Mike shot down one motorcyclist, but more appeared. The bulletproof glass finally broke when one of the motorcyclists flew through the window, and then Voight, the driver, was shot dead. Mike took the wheel and still managed to take out all the bikers except for one, who didn’t follow them to the helicopters. Asher, Mike and Lynne made it to the safety of the helicopter and flew out of the decimated remains of London along with two other marine helicopters. Aamir survived the explosion in Pakistan and retreated to his hideout in Yemen, where he connected with his hacker Sultan Mansoor on his Apple laptop using facetime. He confirmed that the new British Prime Minister Leighton Clarkson and Asher were the only survivors. Aamir was glad that he changed the world and instructed Mansoor to enact Plan B. Sultan Mansoor was also a survivor of the explosion, but he lost his legs and was confined to a wheelchair. He hacked into the London security system and shut off the power everywhere, including the airport and subway terminals. The city was plunged into darkness, and then Mansoor blew up a communications tower. Leah and Doris saw Clarkson on the news reporting that the counter-terrorism committee was tracking down the criminals at hand. Leah tried to call Mike, but there was no answer. USA VP Trumbull in charge was informed that all military and civilian communication was down, and they were able to get a visual from the Sentinel Drone. As the three Marine helicopters were in the air over London, the survivors discussed the funeral trap and how it was likely that the terrorists had planned it years in advance in order to assassinate the world leaders in London.A missile was fired at one of the USA helicopters and it went down. They spotted the stingers on the rooftops shooting the missiles, and the president’s helicopter was targeted next. The pilots retaliated with flares, but they quickly ran out and did evasive maneuvers to avoid the missiles. Marine Two was shot down, and then another missile locked onto Marine One. Mike warned Asher they would be hit, and the helicopter hit a building on the way down. Mike deployed a raft inside he copter to soften the landing, and they crashed in a field. Back in the USA, Trumbull and other government officials in the command center watched the President’s helicopter go down on drone satellite.Mike and Asher were mostly uninjured, but Lynne had a metal piece of debris stuck in her chest. Mike ordered Asher to get out of the helicopter before it exploded while Mike stayed with Lynne. Before Lynne died, she told Mike to make the terrorists pay and to stay alive so he could see his child. Mike couldn’t get ahold of anyone on the radio, and then he and President Asher started running when they heard the terrorist motorcycles in the distance. VP Trumbull received a threatening message from Aamir, who declared that the world was about to change and they were bringing the terrorism to the US as retaliation for the air strike in Pakistan. The message was also televised on all social media outlets and seen by everyone around the world. VP Trumbull explained that Aamir was #6 on the FBI’s 10 most wanted list. Aamir Barkawi was responsible for more deaths than the plague and had endless connections with other terrorists, mercenaries, and corporations that he sold arms to. VP Trumbull took a call from Aamir, who announced that he only wanted President Asher. VP Trumbull refused to hand the President over, so Aamir told VP Trumbull that all the deaths from that point on would be his fault. VP Trumbull then assigned the government officials to find the many fake dummy corporations in London that Aamir did business with so they could locate the terrorists before they found President Asher. Mike and President Asher made it into the city, where Mike clobbered a police officer in the neck. President Asher was alarmed until Mike took a grenade and ammunition from the fake metro police officer’s pockets and revealed that the imposter was really a terrorist in disguise. President Asher wanted to go the embassy, but Mike announced that they were going to his MI6 contact that he trusted. He advised President Asher not to trust anyone but Mike, and then the two headed to Charing Cross Station. Mike left President Asher inside one of the subways and then Mike used machine gun and grenades to kill all the terrorists except Raza. Kamran was on the other end of Raza’s radio, and Mike told the terrorist his name. Kamran threatened to make President Asher die slowly and have the whole world watch, so Mike jabbed his knife into Raza to make him scream in pain. Mansoor heard and knew it was his brother being tortured and killed. The US government said that President Asher had a satellite over him at all times, and they knew Mike knew it too so they figured out they needed to look for MI6 because they couldn’t trust any communication in London as everyone was a suspect. Mike was almost out of ammo, and President Asher believed that all those innocent people died because he was being hunted but Mike corrected him that the terrorists were responsible for all the lost lives. President Asher heard the terrorist’s plans for him and told Mike not to let the terrorists take him alive and ordered him to kill him before they could if it came down to it. Scotland Yard informed VP Trumbull that they discovered Prime Minister Wilson was assassinated using poison in the anesthesia for his knee surgery. His doctor’s body had been dumped in the city. The US and British governments couldn’t tell a good cop from a bad one, so they decided to surrender London and shut down all their first responders so they could identify the remaining officers as terrorists. They planned to sound the air-raid siren to make sure the civilians would stay indoors and then send the British military door-to-door to get rid of the terrorists and clean up the city. Mike and President Asher went to the MI6 residence to stay with his contact, MI6 agent Jacquelin “Jax” Marshall. She played a message received from VP Trumbull sent to President Asher and Mike telling them that the military was taking over the area. They would escort the Americans to the US Embassy and then get them to safety on a military jet. Jax explained that Aamir was behind it all and the terrorist had his own personal United Nations of countries backing him. Mike figured there was a hacker behind it all, and Jax confirmed that their CCTV had been hacked. President Asher then realized that he would be dead already if Mike hadn’t secretly moved up his arrival schedule. President Asher and Mike discussed raising children and President Asher’s son texting him bad jokes that his wife wouldn’t approve of. A group of armed military men appeared outside, and the trio figured that they arrived too fast to be their military rescuers despite being dressed like them. They noticed that the men weren’t sweating despite carrying heavy equipment, so they figured out it was the terrorists and Jax believed that they intercepted the message from VP Trumbull. She armed Asher and Mike with her high-powered weapons stash, and Mike sent Jax to find the mole because it was an inside person that gave the terrorists access to the London security system. Mike put President Asher in the closet while Mike fought violently with the terrorists. He killed all of them except for one, who President Asher was able to shoot dead after he came out of the closet, and saved Mike from being killed. Jax went to Scotland Yard and told her friend John Lancaster that they had a mole, and he already knew and figured it was somebody high up. Chief Hazard asked Jax why she was there and she filled him in. The US government came to the rescue and figured out that the terrorists were using many undercover fake companies in the UK, but there was one suspicious location in Central London right under the noses of the Metropolitan police. The property, located at Broadwick and Lexington, was under construction and was listed as being unoccupied, but there was a heavy amount of power usage there. Still on their own in terrorist run London, President Asher and Mike drove a bulletproof car to the Embassy, where the terrorists lay in wait after they were instructed to double the manpower outside the Embassy. The President’s car took dozens of bullets and blasts to the vehicle, and just when they thought they were safe until a large truck suddenly came out from an alleyway and hit the and flipped it over. The terrorists captured Asher, but Mike shot one of the terrorists as he was trapped underneath the car. Mike stabbed the man repeatedly to get out of him where President Asher was taken, and the dying man revealed that it was Broadwick and Lexington. The British military (SAS) showed up, and Mike declared that he was going to get President Asher before the terrorists executed him. The SAS agreed to go along and help. Meanwhile, Jax got the system back up and running by disabling the authorization code that Chief Hazard said he knew nothing about. She explained that the terrorists had been watching them using their own cameras. The terrorists brought President Asher to their hideout, where Kamran beat the USA President up and planned to livestream President Asher’s death for billions of people to see. SAS Commander Will Davies gave his radio to Mike, and Metro Chief Hazard told Mike to stand down and wait 20 minutes for backup to arrive. Mike argued that President Asher would be dead in 10 minutes so Mike was going to do things his way and hung up on London’s Metro Police man in charge. At the hideout, Mike and the few SAS soldiers went up against 100 terrorists, and a massive shootout with machine guns and explosives ensued in the street. They knew they wouldn’t be able to get President Asher out before he was killed, so they took out the generator to prevent the airing of the live assassination. Mike instructed Davies to hold the position and attack with gunfire as a distraction so Mike could sneak into the building and find the room that they believed President Asher was being held in. Mike gave Davies a device and told him not to push the button until Mike gave him the go-ahead. President Asher told Kamran that he couldn’t escape because help was on the way whether President Asher died or not, so Kamran roughed him up more and mentioned his sister that died in his arms during the US air strike. The emergency generator was hooked up, and inside the building Mike found himself surrounded by terrorists so he ducked into another room and the bad guys shot each other. Mike shot dozens of the evil terrorists dead as he moved through the building. The power came back on, and Mansoor got an Internet connection so they could go live. Everyone around the world, including Leah and both USA and USA governments, watched as Kamran punched President Asher around. President Asher recited his presidential oath for his last words as Kamran held a machete knife to the president’s neck preparing to behead him. Before he could, on social media computers, phones, and TV around the world viewers watched Mike burst into the room and shot most of the bad guys dead. Mike ran out of bullets and did hand-to-hand combat with Kamran and told him that the USA was not a flag, a building or one man, and a thousand of years from now they’ll still be there because killing the president wouldn’t destroy the USA’s We The People. As Mansoor was dying in his wheelchair, he was able to throw a grenade. Mike jumped on top of Asher, and Kamran ran off. Mike and President Asher had a shootout with Kamran and the dozens of terrorists as they were inside the building trying to get out. They ran out of ammunition and were soon trapped. Mike radioed Davies and told him to blow it otherwise they wouldn’t get out alive. The building went up in flames, and Mike and President Asher ran down the hallway and jumped the elevator shaft narrowly escaping the deadly path of fire. Davies and the SAS searched the building for survivors and found Mike and Asher alive at the bottom of the shaft. The UK military acknowledged that the USA President was alive, and everyone celebrated. Mike gave Davies a terrorist radio he took from the room so the UK military could trace Aamir’s exact location. Meanwhile, John the mole tried to flee the country but Jax, who traced him using GPS, stopped him. Jax explained that John’s access logs were his fingerprints in the system that pointed to him as the mole because he failed to delete them. John admitted that he sold everybody out for 20 million euros and asked Jax to go with him, but she refused. John wouldn’t listen to Jax and went for his gun, so she shot him dead (rogue agents as Jax could have stole the 20 million for herself and made up her own story since she confronted and killed John alone with no witnesses). The US military tracked down Aamir, and the military cleared out the civilians in the area. VP Trumbull still in charge of the USA then called Aamir, and he answered thinking it was Kamran. Aamir declared that it wasn’t over and he would spend the rest of his life declaring war on the US. VP Trumbull told Aamir to look out his window, and then a missile blew up Aamir’s hideout killing him and all the terrorists there. The news reported that London was being rebuilt and it would rise again per Prime Minister Clarkson. Back in DC, President Asher gave Mike extra time off as the Bannings welcomed a daughter, Lynne, into the world. Mike returned to the computer to tender his resignation, but as he listened to VP Trumbull address the nation and told everyone that it was their obligation as a country to make certain that terrorism was defeated around the world for the sake of HIS children. The VP ended with God bless everyone and the USA, so Mike deleted the draft copy of his resignation email that he never sent and decided to stay employed to keep America safe, especially for his new daughter Lynne. This movie had a budget of $60 million and grossed over $205 million at the box office.

DATE REVIEWED: 9/10/25

TITLE: The Banger Sisters

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2002 20th Century Fox / Fox Searchlight Pictures / Gran Via / Elizabeth Cantillon Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in Los Angeles at a nightclub where a hard rock band consisting of tattooed men rocked out with blasting music to a crowd of heavy drinkers. Suzette the female bartender drank rum and Coke on the job and her fellow male bartender, Jake, warned her that she would lose her job. Suzette later told her boss Matt that he couldn’t fire her because everyone loved her and had worked at the place, Whiskey-a-gogo, for the past many years, and added that she even had sex with Jim Morrison in the bathroom. However, Matt fired Suzette anyway despite the fact that she had bills to pay and was in debt. Suzette went outside and found the lead singer in the band in his truck, and thought he was alone until a girl appeared after giving him oral sex. Suzette went home, where she looked at old photos that were taken after the war was over with her and her friend sitting on the billboard sign. She thought of her friend Lavinia “Vinnie” from high school who was now married to big-shot lawyer Raymond Kingsley. Suzette decided to pay Vinnie a visit and hit the road to Arizona. She stopped at a gas station but had no cash, and then a Phoenix bus pulled up and the passengers got off to buy supplies. Suzette noticed a man named Harry Plummer complaining about the nasty things on the bus, so she went to prey on him. She asked everyone in the store to give her a dollar so she could buy gas, but everyone ignored her until she announced that she was headed to Phoenix. Harry was also headed there and agreed to give Suzette gas money in exchange for a car ride to Phoenix and escape the dirty bus. Harry told Suzette that it was a bad idea to offend her old gal pal Vinnie by showing up at her house unannounced and asking for money. Suzette confessed that she and Vinnie dropped out of high school because they were famous groupies, and she claimed that Frank Zappa named them the Banger Sisters when they were playing in LA because they used to have sex with lots of men in bands. Meanwhile in Phoenix, Vinnie argued with her teen daughter Hannah at the salon and insisted that Hannah wear her hair up for the prom instead of down like she wanted. Suzette believed that Vinnie would welcome her with open arms, and Harry announced that he was 50. Harry opened up his old typewriter and took out a handgun that contained only one bullet for a specific someone in Phoenix. He explained that he told himself when he was in LA that if he didn’t become a professional screenwriter by age 50, he would go back to Phoenix where he grew up to kill his dad. Suzette couldn’t care less and dropped Harry off at a hotel in Phoenix to do the dirty deed. When Suzette arrived at her old friend’s wealthy home, Vinnie and her husband Raymond were taking pictures of Hannah and the other teens in prom attire. The dressed up teens left in their limo, and Suzette high-tailed it out of there and went back to Harry’s hotel. The hotel employees wouldn’t give Suzette the room Harry was staying in, so they called him. Suzette took the phone from the desk staffer and threatened to tell everyone what Harry was up to, so he gave her his room number. Inside Harry’s hotel room, Suzette noticed all the pictures that Harry had of men like George Harrison. She told Harry he needed to have sex with her and offered to give him a hand job, but he didn’t want to do it so Suzette took a shower since things didn’t work out with Vinnie. Suzette planned to sleep in Harry’s room, which upset him even more because he was neurotic and liked everything just so. That night, a group of prom teens blasted music in the nearby hotel rooms.Harry called the front desk and asked for a different room to get away from the racket, but he was stuck. Suzette yelled at the teens who were running around in the hallway drinking alcohol. She recognized Hannah as Vinnie’s daughter, and the teens claimed that Hannah only had champagne but Suzette knew it wasn’t true so they admitted that Hannah was on acid too. Suzette brought Hannah into Harry’s room to take care of her, and the teens didn’t want to leave because they didn’t believe that Suzette knew Hannah’s mom. She blurted out Vinnie’s full name, so the teens left and Hannah began vomiting which Harry didn’t freak out over, but helped clean up. The next morning, Suzette snuck Hannah into her parents’ estate back entrance she told Hannah that it was between Hannah and her mom what happened. Suzette prowled around the garden and fountains and was found by Vinnie, who insisted on being called Lavinia because everything about her past life as Vinnie was dead to her. They were reintroduced after 20 years, and Lavinia couldn’t believe that her valedictorian daughter who was on the dean’s list and was headed to Vassar could possibly be at a hotel room doing drugs. Lavinia knew that Suzette came for money and offered her $5,000 to leave. Suzette left and didn’t take any money from stuck up Vinnie. Lavinia found her daughter where Suzette said she was and woke her up to get the truth out of Hannah. She told her younger daughter, 16-year-old daughter Ginger, not to get involved. Hannah lied that she only drank red and white wine and took no drugs and mixing the alcohol caused her to throw up. Suzette went back to the hotel to see Harry, and the desk clerk informed her that Harry changed rooms and gave Suzette the key to Harry’s new room. Harry’s behavior changed significantly and he had already drawn a bath for Suzette. She called him into the bathroom and told him that she didn’t take Lavinia’s money. Harry then got a call on the bathroom phone from the front desk and invited Lavinia up to the room, and Suzette freaked out. Lavinia brought Suzette flowers and wanted to have a lunch date with her the following day to explain to her that Lavinia changed for the better. Lavinia now did charity work and had a tree named for her at City Hall, and her husband Raymond was an attorney and hoped to a politician. Suzette retorted that the First Lady would be a Banger Sister, and Lavinia argued that wasn’t her anymore. Harry declared that teen Hannah was way out of it the night before implying she didn’t just drink alcohol, and Lavinia was shocked. Suzette held Lavinia to her lunch date and got out of her that the desk clerk told Lavinia what room Suzette was in after she described Suzette. Later that evening, Harry and Suzette lay in bed with a barrier between them. Harry explained that his dad had a furniture business that he wanted Harry to be part of. Harry wanted to be a writer, so his dad told him he would never be successful. Thus, Harry believed his dad put a curse on him so he left and recalled how back in those days everybody had sex with everybody. Harry went on to say that his dad wasn’t selling furniture anymore and he now lived at a retirement home called Horizon Hills. Suzette and Harry then had sex. The next day, Lavinia arrived with more flowers for Suzette and announced that she had to cancel their luncheon because her daughter Ginger was taking her driver’s test that day. Suzette went along, and Lavinia gave her a heads-up that Ginger made weird throat noises. The doctor said it would phase out, so Ginger’s parents ignored it and Suzette should as well. While Ginger took her test and the two females waited at the DMV, Suzette informed Lavinia that she picked Harry up on the side of the road and didn’t know him before their trip. Suzette said her and Harry had sex the previous night and there was hope for Harry.Lavinia stated that Ginger wasn’t like her older sister Hannah because she was more emotional and artistic whereas Hannah was smart (and deceptive). Ginger returned screaming and had a hissy fit because she was failed on her drivers’ test and couldn’t take her friend Jennifer to the Pickle Pan as she promised. The trio returned to Lavinia’s house, where the Golden Retriever dog Barkley was out and music was blasting. Ginger took Barkley inside, and Lavinia found Hannah naked having sex with her boyfriend Jules naked in the pool. Lavinia sprayed them with a hose to get them out of the pool and collected the empty beer bottles. Hannah argued that she was 17, but Lavinia declared that Hannah would live by her parents’ rules as long as she lived in their house, drove a car her parents paid for and was headed to a college that they also paid for. Lavinia and Suzette spotted unclothed teen Jules retrieving his clothes, and she had known him since preschool and he claimed that he didn’t usually act like that. Lavinia tried to tell herself that Hannah and Jules weren’t having sex, but Suzette confirmed that they were having intercourse in the family pool. Lavinia couldn’t believe it because Jules got an award for national community service. Suzette was then introduced to Raymond, who Lavinia had told as little as possible about Suzette other than she went to college. Raymond invited Suzette to stay for dinner. Raymond and the girls made jokes about Lavinia being uptight, so Suzette told them a little about their past and how Lavinia used to be a dancer and didn’t care what anyone thought. Lavinia became vengeful and revealed that Suzette got her Lizard King tattoo from her relationship with Jim Morrison. Lavinia then flung food at Raymond and left the table swigging wine from a bottle, and her daughters and husband weren’t sure whom this other person was. Suzette called Harry, who was up late writing because his relationship with her made him happy. He was excited to get his thoughts on paper and believed that his whole life led up to him meeting her because she was his muse. She wasn’t interested in Harry and argued that she was just a girl he met in the desert. He wasn’t sure if he should have feelings for Suzette, so she told him to feel whatever he wanted and just keep writing. Suzette later on told the spoiled teen brats Hannah and Ginger to do their own dishes because Rosa the housekeeper wasn’t there to do it for them. Suzette wouldn’t tell the girls anything about Lavinia other than that she was a kick-a** best friend back in the day and they didn’t need to know if their mom had sex, did drugs or drank a lot. Raymond was swimming in the pool, and Lavinia was in the closet drinking and trashing all her neutral-colored clothes that blended in with the walls and weren’t colorful like Suzette’s clothes. Suzette and Lavinia left the house and went to the hotel, where Lavinia cut her hair short and borrowed one of Suzette’s sexy outfits. Harry was still writing and was in shock to see Lavinia like that. She and Suzette went to a Phoenix nightclub with hard rock music, where someone asked Lavinia to dance but she declined because she was married and had kids. Suzette liquored Lavinia up some more and convinced her to leave her purse with the Rod-Stewart look-alike bartender so they could dance. Suzette and Lavinia returned to Lavinia’s home drunk after driving drunk on the road. The drunken women went to the basement where Lavinia retrieved a locked box she saved from her Banger Sister days full of dozens of pictures they had taken of men’s private parts. They called it the rock cock collection and wrote the names of the men they had sex with on the pictures, and then they smoked an old joint they found in the box. The drugged up female duo accidentally set the trash on fire, which caused the smoke detector to go off. That woke up Raymond, who came to the basement and wanted to know about the frontal naked male Polaroid pictures of that were scattered everywhere and why Lavinia changed her look. Lavinia admitted that she and Suzette used to be music groupies and had sex with dozens of band members. They were interrupted by teen Hannah, who came in the room and smelled the pot and saw one of the naked pictures that the three adults failed to cover. The eldest daughter was surprised by her mom’s new hairdo and outfit and announced that Ginger stole her car and was on the phone. They all went to the hospital to pick up Ginger, who had driven hard enough into a parked car to set off her air bag. Ginger was irate and revealed that Hannah gave her the car keys and told her to go practice. Hannah then blamed and hated on Suzette for wrecking their family and causing all the discord, and she called out her mom for having a rough past with her girlfriend. Hannah admitted that she had sex in the pool, which Raymond was shocked to learn after he just swam there. Suzette stormed off. Raymond and the girls wanted to go home and didn’t want to hear that Lavinia lost herself by sacrificing everything for her husband and children and helping her family for many years with their school, activities, and career and shots (distemper dog). Suzette called Harry and took everything out on him and told him to leave her alone. Before she hung up on Harry she announced that she was coming by the hotel room and picking up her stuff and then going back to LA. Lavinia found Suzette on the bench outside the hospital and consoled her, as she cried in Lavinia’s arms. Suzette declared that her only claim to fame was that she let too many musicians to count get in her pants. Her only company was her cat that didn’t count and she wished she had a family that cared about her. Lavinia told Suzette she loved her because she was a force to be reckoned with and she brought out the better in Lavinia. The females sat on the “Got Milk?” billboard for a while and then went to the hotel. Once inside the room, they discovered that Harry’s room was empty and dark and he had laid out all his people pictures again. Suzette went out on the balcony and looked below and spotted Harry’s typewriter in the bottom of the pool and knew that he had gone to the nursing home to shoot his dad because she upset him. Lavinia calmed Suzette down and figured out that it was Horizon Hills, which was actually a cemetery because Harry’s dad was already dead (Harry planned to commit suicide all along). They found Harry walking around the cemetery close to the road, and as Lavinia drove, Suzette demanded to know what was wrong with him so he complained that he had a bad childhood because his dad never tucked him in when he was a small child. Lavinia was fed up and sideswiped Harry with the car to knock him over. The females got out and helped Harry to his feet as he called them insane for running him over with their car. Suzette took Harry’s gun away and shot the one bullet in the air. She gave Harry the gun back and told him to go to his dad’s grave and forgive his dad. The women left Harry and made it just in time to the Hannah’s graduation. Raymond waited in the parking lot and then escorted them both to the ceremony despite the fact they were still wearing their rocker outfits. Hannah gave her valedictorian speech about living life for yourself and being true to yourself and not being the fake person everyone else wanted you to be. In the end, Suzette didn’t want to stay in Phoenix any longer and left after the high school ceremony and drove back to West Hollywood with Harry riding shotgun. This movie had a budget of $10 million and grossed over $38 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, ABC-TV, “Fresh, funny, fabulous!” Gene Shalit, NBC-TV, “A rowdy, smart, rattling good comedy.” Access Hollywood, “Hawn and Sarandon are a match made in heaven.”

DATE REVIEWED: 9/8/25

TITLE: Son of Morning

BOX OFFICE RATED: R (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 Entertainment One

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Florida and began with the Katz family having breakfast. Adult son Phillip refused to go to church with his mom Leda and went inside the house to get his dad, who gave Phillip a thumbs-down and then hung himself from the upstairs railing. As people gathered at the house after the funeral, Phillip found Leda crying hysterically in the bathroom. Later that night at a bar, Phillip overheard Jamie Johnson telling her gal pals that she was post-millennial and should be able to have sex whenever she wanted without being in a stable relationship because men did it and they weren’t labeled bad names. Jamie eyed Phillip, and then they had sex outside in the car. She thanked him for the sex and left wanting nothing more to do with him and then he vomited. Phillip worked as a junior copywriter for the Bordasch/Newman Agency, and his boss instructed him to stay late that night to come up with a new clam chowder ad after the pitch for his last ad failed. Leda called to check on him and was upset that Phillip didn’t come home to dinner. Leda told her son that her husband didn’t satisfy her, and she didn’t think Phillip should go back to work so soon after the funeral since he was still having challenges dealing with life and always moped around. The movie continuously played depressing songs, some with lyrics that encouraged listeners to pop pills. Phillip did just that and took Diazanex for extreme anxiety symptoms. He encountered a man on the street named Gabe who appeared homeless. Gabe held a sign with the words “Do What You Feel Is Right.” He claimed to have disciples and told Phillip to stop sulking since he was only taking the pills because Leda’s doctor prescribed them. Gabe suggested that Phillip loosen his necktie, which shocked Phillip when he discovered that Gabe knew about his dad’s suicide by hanging. In the cafe, there was a breaking news story on Channel 8 reporting that the sun would burn out the last of its hydrogen within the next six months. Phillip put money and his necktie in Gabe’s cup. Gabe claimed he used to be a divorce attorney that split marriages up and told Phillip that he didn’t need his parents and half his problems were over now that one was dead. Gabe gave Phillip the name “Son of Morning” and advised him to go out and be the change he wanted to see in the world. The news channels reported planetary panic and announced that the sun was dying and could cause rapid global warming and catastrophic weather changes like floods and storms. Phillip got a job at the coffee shop, and Leda insisted that he go with her to a prayer service at the Catholic church since she had no one else. Phillip zoned out the Catholic priestand daydreamed about drugs and his dad jumping from the railing. All the things in his head finally became too much, so he jumped up screaming with blood dripping from one of his eyes. Everybody gathered around Phillip excited so Josephine Tuttle, a Channel 5 news reporter attending service at the Catholic church, whisked Phillip and Leda away into a cab. Phillip arrived outside a high-dollar hotel in a limo and was greeted by Thomas the concierge. Josephine crafted an exclusive story and reported live from the Third Nicene Church in Boca Raton that Phillip cried tears of blood. It was interpreted as a miracle and Phillip was now being worshipped as a modern-day American messiah who had come to save the sun. Thomas explained to Phillip that the owner of the hotel would arrive within the week for a meet and greet with child stars and supermodels in tow.Phillip was shown the living room full of gifts sent to him by fans and corporate sponsors seeking endorsements, and the Florida governor requested a meeting with Phillip. Josephine showed up at Phillip’s hotel door to explain that she set up everything and was the reason Phillip was famous. Josephine told Phillip to stay away from the other reporters who would give him money, gifts and sexual favors in order to get the scoop. The female reporter got between his legs while he sat in his bathrobe and begged him to give her a private one-hour interview. Phillip tried to explain that his eye bled because he stopped taking his stress medicine, but Josephine told him that wasn’t the reason, not to talk of it, and he was the king. Meanwhile, David, Chad and Jim from Alchemy Talent showed up at Leda’s house to talk and had taken the red eye flight to Florida. The three men had researched her debt that was large because it included three mortgages on her home, her dead husband’s business debts and her five degrees, one in ornithology. The threesome believed that Leda was $500,000 in debt and promised to make it all go away if Phillip signed with them. Josephine convinced her boss to give Phillip the title of messiah instead of grandson of God. Before Josephine and Phillip went live with the interview, she was told that the network picked it up and would televise it around the country. Phillip would become an instant star, and Josephine almost told him he would be bigger than Jesus but corrected herself that he would be bigger than the Beatles. Phillip froze up on live TV and couldn’t say anything, so the network freaked out. They put Leda’s call through, and she clarified that she wasn’t a virgin like everyone thought. Phillip’s eyes started bleeding then, so security escorted him outside where he was surrounded by news reporters. Phillip became famous all over the world and was seated in a throne where he posed for pictures with people like military officials, bishops, firemen and cheerleaders. Hundreds of people camped out on Leda’s lawn and wouldn’t give her peace, so she called David and he told her to go to Phillip and do what they discussed. Phillip met with Lieutenant Governor Finch and his people, and Finch explained that the election was coming up and they wanted to get Phillip on their side. They asked what they could do for him, such as gay marriage, oil drilling, fetus rights and stem-cell research. Phillip confirmed that he was pro-life and endorsed them for the mid-terms. Jamie had been faithfully watching Phillip on the TV, and she met with an official to tell him about her encounter with Phillip. Leda and Gabe both tried to call Phillip, but it went to a voicemail explaining that the messiah was busy. Phillip opened one of his gifts from Asia and inside was a naked female picture and a pair of thong underwear and was interrupted by Thomas bringing him a feast and referring to him as Your Grace. Phillip saw a sad-looking young female fan on the news outside the hotel, so he invited her into his room and asked how he could help her. She asked him to bleed on her, so they had sex and Phillip told her about the lucid dreams he kept having of himself lying naked on the beach. She invited her friends over for a wild party, and Phillip ended up with a bunch of females passed out naked in his bed. In the middle of the night, he got calls from St. Mary’s Catholic Church and reminders about his teatime with Prince Harry. Phillip had a dream about flying in a helicopter with the gerbil mascot from the clam chowder ads. He drank wine and smoked cannabis pot through a bong water pipe as they flew the helicopter over a pool party with a group of topless women and blasted music that laws are for dummies and the institutions were dead. Jamie went on Sunbeat live to promote her new tell-all book that she herself supposedly wrote called, Immaculate Deception. Jamie claimed that she was pregnant with the messiah’s child and told the host Glenn that even God didn’t know how to please a woman in bed because sex with Phillip wasn’t great. Leda showed up at the hotel and demanded to see Phillip, and Thomas wouldn’t let her but told her to wait in the pool area. Josephine called Phillip from outside his hotel room, but he wouldn’t let her in to see all the half-clothed people passed out drunk on the floor. Josephine told Phillip to look at the TV, and he saw instant celebrity Jamie so he and agreed to meet Josephine at the pool. Jamie told Phillip that everyone would turn on him if he didn’t come up with a story, even an untruthful one, to tell them about the sun. Phillip argued that Josephine made everything up, and she reminded him that he took advantage of it so he had to say something to the people. Leda then appeared and yelled for Phillip and then fell into the pool, and he tried to save her but Josephine’s news people wouldn’t let him. They carted him off, and someone threw Leda a floating noodle. Phillip talked to Thomas, who gave him advice that once the singer couldn’t lip-sync anymore and the football player couldn’t play anymore the press moved on. They would do the same for Phillip, and Thomas suggested that he give a speech to the people to satisfy them for now and take their minds off the sun. Out of the blue, Gabe took a bus to Jamie’s book signing at the mall and told her that her book was full of destruction and she was hateful to publish it since it wasn’t Jamie’s job to interfere in Phillip’s destiny using fake news. She swore at Gabe and called security, and Gabe shouted that we are not immune to a disease of our own creation. Gabe fought to keep ahold of his copy of Jamie’s book, and in Gabe’s scuffle with the security guards Jamie was knocked over the third-story railing. Jamie fell to her death and bled from her eyes and nose, and security arrested Gabe. Thomas informed Phillip back at the hotel that people from the attorney general’s office wanted to see him but he refused to talk to them until his speech was done. Phillip saw on the news that Gabe lied and told everyone that Phillip instructed him to kill Jamie and her unborn child so Gabe could get publicity for his nonprofit resolution charity. Thomas didn’t want to get involved and then gave Phillip his bill for almost $500,000 that the owner of the hotel sent. Phillip ran to the shower and turned the water on as the attorney general’s men waited at the shower door. Phillip was brought before a panel arranged by the governor’s office because the governor wasn’t pleased with the circumstances during his re-election and wanted to resolve it. Phillip told them that he never claimed to be the messiah and it was the Internet and the TV that portrayed him that way. The panel demanded to know what he believed and if he knew Gabe and told him to murder Jamie. Once again, Phillip froze and felt like he was under attack like during his first interview with Josephine so he couldn’t answer the questions. Dr. Villager, another person on the panel, was then told to give Phillip drugs because he seemed to be unfocused, when really it was all the bad things and images of them in his head that happened to him recently that caused him not to be able to speak. Phillip was sent to the hospital against his will, and Josephine called Phillip and got through because she lied that she was Phillip’s mom since he didn’t mind talking to Leda. The reporter explained that Jamie was a fraud and she lied about Phillip to sell her book and she was never pregnant, and Josephine wanted Phillip’s reaction but he hung up on her. The doctor told Phillip the good news after running many tests that the only thing he found were high levels of cortisol. He told Phillip he was very stressed out and he didn’t to chill or he would die. Phillip was told he would be kept in the hospital for observation and was then prescribed the same anxiety medicine that mom Leda’s doctor gave him. Phillip looked at the picture of the beach on his wall in the hospital room as the music playing told listeners to run to your grave. Phillip left the hospital in his hospital gown and stole a maintenance vehicle to drive to Leda’s house. He found his mom’s house full of boxes of makeup kits that Joyce from Katherine Jayne cosmetics gave to Leda so she could sell them to women who needed help with disasters in their lives. Leda went to bed because she felt unappreciated since her son lived it up at the hotel with his friends and left her to fend for herself. Phillip told his mom he needed to resolve himself clinically but she was already gone. The out of control news then reported that the sun was reborn and the increased solar activity was normal, therefore it wasn’t the end of the world. Phillip met up with Josephine and told her that she owed him for what she put him through. He wanted to say something on TV to help people and he was thankful when Josephine agreed to try and squeeze him in. They went to a local beach where Josephine would discuss sea turtles, and she gave Phillip some time to speak live on TV. However, nobody was at all interested in what Phillip said since the sun pandemic was over so everyone went about their business and paid no attention to him as he advised them to experience life for themselves and not listen to him. With the cameras still rolling, Phillip walked on the beach to the water’s edge in his hospital gown. Phillip kept walking until he disappeared under the waves and nobody cared to save him.

DATE REVIEWED: 9/7/25

TITLE: Blended

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014 Warner Bros. Pictures / Gulfstream Pictures / Happy Madison Productions / RatPac-Dune Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Connecticut and began with Jim Friedman taking Lauren Reynolds on a blind date. It was her first date since her divorce from Mark, and she was upset that Jim took her to Hooters. She called to check in with Tracy who was babysitting her tween sons Brendan and Tyler. The boys played in the house with a flaming T-shirt that they set on fire. The eldest put the fire out with an extinguisher and then sprayed Tracy in the face with it. Jim worked at Dick’s Sporting Goods and his wife died from cancer. Lauren worked as a closet organizer for her business Closet Queens of Manchester. Lauren and Jim didn’t get along well and the date ended quickly after he used a fake emergency call as an excuse to leave. Lauren later cried about her failed date to her business partner in crime Jen Palmer. Jen suggested that she roofie (date-rape drug) and shave the head of the mom from school who set Lauren on up on the date. Jen believed that the boys should try drugs and sex (Ritalin and dating) to fix the out-of-control children’s problems. Jen tried on one of their clients’ clothes and pretended she was a Kardashian even though it was against their company policy. She convinced Lauren to do the same and try on a black dress, and then Lauren had a breakdown over her divorce with Mark. Lauren then cried in Jen’s arms, and then the client appeared with her two sons. The young boys snapped pictures of the two females hugging in the closet with Lauren’s bra exposed and then uploaded the photos to their Facebook and Instagram accounts. Meanwhile at Dick’s Sporting Goods store, Jim’s coworker, Doug, wanted to hook him up with an overweight blond from his belly-dancing class but Jim was through with dating. Jim’s eldest daughter Hilary visited her dad at work, who Jim called Larry much to her dismay was upset that her family would be camping out in their backyard again while her classmates were going to cool places on vacation. Doug flashed his belly at Jim to give him a free dance show at work around customers. A teen boy thought Hilary was an employee and addressed her as sir, and she protested so the boy called her fugly and Doug tried to swat him. Lauren’s older son Brendan hacked her emails and wanted to know about Jim. Lauren’s ex-husband Mark took Tyler for ice cream, and the sugar caused him to rollerblade in the house and twist big brother Brendan’s nipples. Lauren scolded Tyler to respect body parts, and then deadbeat Mark left in a hurry without helping his kids even though he thought he was always there for them. Jim walked in on Hilary in the bathroom as she put foot gels in her bra to make herself seem less boyish. She slammed the door in Jim’s face, but he insisted on having a fist bump so she opened the door and gave dad one. Jim’s middle daughter Espn (named after his favorite sports network) had a private conversation with her deceased mom and refused to talk to Jim about anything. Jim’s youngest daughter Louise “Lou” put stickers all over herself and wanted to play with Espn, but Jim didn’t want her around Espn and disturbing mom’s ghost. No surprise Mark never showed up to Tyler’s baseball game and instead claimed that he couldn’t go because he had work. Jen went instead and announced that she was going on a mystery trip with her boyfriend Dick. She wanted a week off, but it happened to be the same week as spring break and Lauren had to watch her kids because Mark had a business trip and canceled his whitewater rafting trip with the boys. Lauren and Jen defended Tyler against two men on the bleachers who predicted that Tyler would have a breakdown when he struck out of the game. The men were right because soon after Tyler threw a tantrum and threw his bat around violently after Tyler received three strikes. Lauren struggled to carry Tyler up the stairs to bed because he seemed to be unconscious. She went to clean up Brendan’s room while he was sleeping and found a dirty centerfold that he had attached a picture of babysitter Tracy’s face to. Lauren was furious and ripped the paper up. Jim watched cartoons with Louise and told her that he got the blessing from his wife before she died to be with somebody else. Hilary asked for the car so she could go buy menstrual pads, but she only had her drivers’ permit and couldn’t go without Jim. He went instead and left Hilary to watch her sisters. Jim and Lauren bumped into each other at Johnson’s Hometown Pharmacy, and he helped her find a centerfold to replace the one she destroyed because she felt guilty so she helped him pick out pads. They switched their purchases to save embarrassment until after they left the store. But then the cashier commented on the magazine. Jim told the store clerk that the naked women magazine belonged to Lauren because she was a homeschool mom and added that she needed to hurry up and get her son going on it. The cashier agreed it was a progressive move on Lauren’s part. Jim and Lauren insulted each other further outside and then left in their identical white minivans. The next day Lauren later broke the news to her sons that they wouldn’t go rafting with their dad until the summer. Jim showed up at the door, and Brendan was upset and thought Lauren had lied about not being interested so the boys ran off up stairs. Jim explained that their matching credit cards got mixed up at the pharmacy and he found Lauren’s address by googling Closet Queens. He asked if she was a lesbian because of the picture of her and Jen that the client’s sons posted on social media made the two appear lesbian. Lauren explained she was the best and thus deserved a queen business name and told him she was not a lesbian. Jen then barged in the house and announced that she and Dick were done because she found out that he had five children. Dick wanted to take the kids with them on their trip on a South African safari, but Jen didn’t want to be part of the team because she wasn’t like Julie Andrews escaping Hitler. Jim and Lauren both thought it was ridiculous that she dumped Dick because of his kids. Jim identified Dick as his boss, Dick Theodopolis, who owned the Dick’s Sporting Goods chain including the store in Ridgefield that Jim managed. Jen kicked Jim out after telling Jim that Dick’s Sporting Goods was notorious for hiring special people as employees. Once outside, Jim used his cell phone and immediately called Dick. Dick was upset that Jen broke up with him and didn’t plan to go on the trip, so Jim took advantage of the situation and decided to take his girls on the trip and asked Dick to sell him the nonrefundable tickets at a discount price so Dick wouldn’t lose all the money. Lauren’s kids would die for that vacation, so she bought the remaining tickets from Jen for herself and her boys. Both families headed to South Africa and were surprised to meet each at the Sun City Resort. Jim took Dick’s identity and Lauren took Jen’s identity. Mfana broke up the fight between Lauren and Jim and offered his tour guide services, and even Mfana couldn’t tell the gender of Jim’s oldest daughters because they looked and dressed like boys. Mfana showed them to their “familymoon” suite, where Lauren and Jim realized that Dick had planned to propose to Jen. In the parents’ section of the suite, Tyler ate edible Cherry Panties candy while Brendan played on the stripper pole. Jim, Lauren and their kids shared a dinner table with Eddy Warnick, his young new wife Ginger and their teen son Jake from Vancouver. Jake didn’t want sex addict Ginger to be his mom because she would have been six years old when she had him. Nickens took the stage with his band and gave a shout-out to all the blended families there that included half-siblings, stepparents, same-sex domestic partners and good old-fashioned booty calls gone wrong. Nickens gyrated his hips and told the parents to have some “alone time” in their rooms while the resort workers watched their kids. The younger kids had pool parties and played with live baby animals like lion cubs, ostrich chicks and hedgehogs. The teens partied at the disco and Hilary was once again mistaken for a boy. Lauren carried sleeping Tyler again to bed, and she whacked his head multiple times and then dropped him on the floor. She eventually got him into the honeymoon bed alongside his brother Brendan, who was already asleep but had another porn shot of Tracy on the screen. Espn pretended that her mom was still alive, so she wouldn’t let Jim sleep in her mom’s bed. Dad slept with his youngest daughter Louise instead. The next morning, Jim tried to wake his daughters but Louise told him to let them sleep in the name of Lucifer. Lauren tried to wake up her sons, but the boys were fast asleep wearing girly sleep masks with Tyler in fur handcuffs. Jim and Lauren left to get coffee. Jim tried to make Hilary into a tough boy on the basketball court, but then she noticed Jake who she had a crush on (Hilary resembled Molly in Sixteen Candles). Hilary did feminine dance moves to try and impress Jake until her dad told her to take her bra off since she didn’t need it anyway. Jake left, and Hilary ran off in tears.Lauren and the boys went out for a ride on ATVs, and Mfana appeared and suggested they go faster. Mfana showed off by driving recklessly, and headed right for an elderly woman, who swerved to miss him. The elderly female hit a tree and flew into the bush so Mfana didn’t stop but kept on going without helping her. The blended family fun time didn’t go well when some stepmoms shared their experiences. One explained that her stepson still hated her, another woke up to a pillow because her stepchild tried to smother her, and the third mom’s very young stepdaughter had drawn a picture of an elephant trampling the stepmom to death with lots of blood around. Lauren asked Louise to take her to the bathroom, and she was under five years old and she complained that her dad sometimes wiped her too hard. Louise cried when she saw her reflection in the mirror because Jim painted her face to look like the walking dead instead of a kitty cat. Lauren wiped the botched makeup off Louise’s face and reapplied it to look catty, and then they found Jim and Tyler riding ostriches in an arena. Jim was thrown off into the water trough and broke it, and Tyler backflipped off his ostrich. Lauren was irate, but Tyler said it was the best day of his life and gave his mom a hug. Lauren found Hilary staring at Jake. Hilary explained that she had such short hair because she went to Jim’s barber and that was the only cut they could do. Lauren took Hilary to the salon to get a makeover. Hilary explained that her mom used to work at Hooters as a manager. Hilary showed up to dinner that night in a dress with hair extensions and makeup. She finally looked like a girl, and Jake noticed her and took her to get sushi. Jim wasn’t happy that Larry wasn’t visible anymore in his daughter, but he and Lauren resolved their differences. Jim, Lauren, their kids and the Warnicks went out on a sightseeing safari in the African bush. Hilary and Jake almost kissed, but a giraffe slipped in and gave Jim the tongue. Everyone danced with the scantily-clad tribal dancers, and then Tyler wanted to try the parasail attached to the vehicle. Lauren went first to make sure it was safe and thought it was fun and started howling. Not long after, Lauren started quickly descending when the truck pulling her along ran out of gas. She spread her legs so she wouldn’t be maimed by the horn of the rhino that crossed her path, but she did hit her crotch hard on the rhino’s rump. Jim got caught up in the sail because he instructed her to run when she hit the ground and he was in the way. Later that night, the kids played on bongo drums around the bonfire. Jim and Lauren went to get what they thought were private massages with Lauren drinking wine and carrying around the wine bottle. They discovered that it was couples giving each other intimate massages, and they were skeptical about it but joined in anyway. Later on, Louise insisted that Lauren tuck her into bed, so Lauren put her to sleep by singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” which the girls’ mom used to sing. The next day, Jim gave Tyler some pointers for playing baseball and hired Dale the cricketeer as a pitcher. Jim advised Tyler to glare at the pitcher and play like he owned him, and also to respect his equipment and not abuse it. Tyler tried it and finally hit the ball, but then Brendan called Jim a d-bag for helping his little brother. Jim took Brendan to the boxing ring so they could spar and settle things and hit each other for real. The brothers later lay down on the parents’ vibrating bed and told Lauren how their day went with Jim. Lauren found a gift-wrapped box in her luggage, and inside was the dress she had tried on earlier in the client’s closet. Jen left a note explaining that she stole the dress from their client for Lauren. Lauren wore the black dress to dinner that night since it was their last night at the resort. The kids were sent to the safari buffet and chocolate fountain so the adults could slow-dance on the floor. Mfana took Jim and Lauren outside for a private dinner and star-gazing experience which Jim had arranged as a do-over for their first date. Monkeys brought them beer and played music, and Lauren told Jim that her kids’ dad never showed up to their activities and they both agreed that the kids came first and you had to be there for them 99% of the time. Jim and Lauren almost kissed, but he ruined the moment by stopping it so she left guzzling her beer. The two families flew back to their homes in the state on Connecticut the next morning. Back at work in another closet, Lauren continued moping around about Jim. Jen received another call on her cell and announced that she and Dick were back together and she planned to meet his children, but she still wasn’t thrilled about it. At Jim’s work, Doug asked Jim why he didn’t kiss Lauren and he explained that he wasn’t sure it was right. Bawl-bag Doug left in tears thinking that Africa took the man out of Jim. Hilary went on a virtual date with Jake by face-timing him and took the garbage ties out of Louise’s hair that Jim put in. Jim admitted that he loved Lauren, so everyone was thrilled and he went to tell her with a bouquet of flowers. Lauren wasn’t home, and ex husband Mark answered the door instead and told Jim that he and Lauren were trying to make it work and try again for the sake of the kids. Mark said he planned to put the flowers next to the bed where he and Lauren had sex, so Jim left. When Lauren returned home and relieved Mark of his babysitting duties, Mark lied that he got Lauren the flowers and then he tried to come onto her. Lauren wasn’t interested and reminded ex husband Mark of the four times he cheated on her and stated that she wasn’t ever getting back together with him. She suggested that Mark prove he was a good dad by attending Tyler’s baseball game on Saturday even though he just declined to play ball with Tyler when Tyler asked Mark to moments before. Meanwhile, Espn tearfully came to grips that her mom was dead and told Jim she wouldn’t be around anymore. Espn would keep her mom in her heart as her dad would too. Espn admitted that she missed Lauren and didn’t want to lose her too. Jim agreed. A white minivan came by Lauren’s house after Lauren sent her son off reminding him about boy scouts and he was mad at his mother for outing him in front of a busload of kids. Lauren got her hopes up that it was Jim, but it was Jen in the mini van and Jen was embarrassed to be driving Dick’s van to Walmart to be buying toilet paper for the family team at Dick’s house. That Saturday at the park, Mark was a no-show, but Dick and Jen came with all five kids. A transgender male dressed as a female resembling Steve Tyler played the music for the game. Lauren told Jen what she and Jim discussed about always being there for your kids. Jim then appeared with his girls and encouraged Tyler, which gave him the confidence to the hit the ball after he had one strike. Jim jumped the fence and coached Tyler through to home plate, and everyone was ecstatic for the score. Brendan tried to kiss babysitter Tracy who was at the game, but she shoved him to the ground in disgust. Jim apologized to Lauren for showing up to the game and explained that he had been to her house and Mark told him that they were back together. Lauren told Jim Mark lied so the Jim and her made amends and kissed as Nickens and his Thathoo band sang from a hot-air balloon above the USA field. This movie had a budget of $40-45 million and grossed $128 million at the box office.

DATE REVIEWED: 9/4/25

TITLE: Walking Tall

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004 MGM / Hyde Park Entertainment / Mandeville Films / Burke / Samples / Foster Productions / WWE Films / 20thCentury Fox

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is inspired by a true Tennessee story that takes place in the state of Washington. It began with Chris Vaughn Jr. taking the ferry back to his rural hometown in Washington after he finished his military service. Chris walked through town and noticed the changes that happened due to the heavy presence of the Wild Cherry casino that wasn’t there when he left eight years before. He witnessed a young female buying drugs in a back alley and then she walked back out to retrieve the baby stroller that she left near the street. Sheriff Stan Watkins and Deputy Ralston informed Chris that Jay Hamilton, the casino owner, inherited the local lumber mill from his parents and immediately closed it three years before. Chris refused to hitch a ride to his family’s house, but Sheriff Stan threatened to shoot Chris if he didn’t get in the car so he did. Stan explained that he became sheriff five months ago after the old sheriff that Chris remembered before he left the town, Aaron Harstad, had died in a questionable car crash when he hit a tree. Stan dropped Chris off at his parents’ house and gave a pamphlet to vote for Stan’s re-election that month. Chris reunited with his parents Connie and Chris Sr. and older sister Michelle, who was a single mom of her tween son Pete. Chris had planned to work at the mill where his dad used to work, but he didn’t realize it was closed because his parents never mentioned it in their letters. Connie was a substitute teacher at the elementary school and Chris Sr. had a woodworking business out of the house and Michelle helped pay the bills with her paramedic job. Pete came to dinner late and wasn’t happy that he had to sleep in a tent outside so Chris could have his old room back. Chris wouldn’t show Pete how to shoot a gun because the kid was already disrespectful, so Pete left to go somewhere and told his mom he’d be back on his time. Chris worked on fixing up the house for his parents. His old friend Ray Templeton came by in his camper home he called the Love Machine. Ray explained that after Chris joined the military, he got into music and drugs and spent two years in prison. Ray claimed he was now clean and sober for 14 months and had a construction job. Chris, Ray and their buddies from high school then met up and played football. Jay Hamilton bought most things in town and even renamed the football field after himself. Jay and his casino gang showed up in their expensive monster trucks and Escalade and ended up winning the game after a couple of excessive force plays with their targets Chris and Ray. Jay left in his big SUV and Chris agreed to see him at the casino that night to meet girls. Pete was leaving on his dirt bike, and Chris scolded him for smoking weed on the bleachers with the teens during the game. Chris told Ray that you had to be Native American to own a casino, and Ray explained that Jay got away with it by claiming that he was 1/16th Blackfoot Indian and bribing people to make the application go through. Ray showed Chris around the casino full of people and told him that they didn’t have to worry about child support and rent because they cashed their paychecks and spent it all at the casino drinking and gambling. Jay invited Chris and Ray to the VIP lounge, where he gave them free drinks for the night and offered them female companions. Jay then went behind closed doors to conduct his shady business, and Chris’s friends left him in a back room to have a private striptease show performed by a female stripper dressed as a fireman. Chris recognized the stripper was Deni from high school, and she ran off embarrassed when she recognized Chris from the past. Chris noticed Jay’s goons sneakily dealing drugs to people in private rooms and at the bars. One of Jay’s buddies got distracted by two of Jays hired help girls at a gaming table and only Chris knew that the game was rigged and the employee was using dice that would always roll a seven. Chris’s friend lost his money, so Chris called the employee out on it and put all his money on the table. The worker refused to roll the dice and called security, and Chris told them the dice were bad. One guard grabbed Chris by the neck, but he defended himself and then tried to leave with his friends. The unlawful casino security guards attacked Chris, and he fought them off until they tased Chris and knocked him unconscious. Chris woke up on a table surrounded by Jay’s evil gang of employees. Booth, the head of security, stole Chris’s Special Forces necklace and then made deep cuts on Chris’ chest in multiple places with a razor blade. The gang then dumped Chris in the road and he was nearly hit by a semi-truck, but the driver stopped and took Chris to the hospital. The doctor told Chris’s family that whoever hurt Chris left him for dead and he would have died by now if it were anyone else. Sheriff Stan showed up to take a report and suggested to the family and doctor that Chris was drunk, but Michelle defended her brother and told the dirty sheriff to arrest the guilty party. Ray stole a bouquet of flowers from someone’s hospital room to give to Chris when he visited him in the hospital and told him that the small town wasn’t home anymore because a gang of drug lords and the casino overran it. Chris went home and spent the next few weeks recovering from his life threatening wounds. Chris’s dad had maintained Chris’s old jacked up truck while he was away, and together they drove to town to buy supplies. They went to the Home Depot because another lumber company had been shut down. Jay later stopped by The Vaughn house and thanked Chris for telling him about the corrupt employee as though Jay never knew. Jay admitted that his guys got too rough but he convinced them not to press charges because they were lying that Chris went crazy and attacked them when he knew he was the victim. Jay offered Chris a job as head of security at the casino and tried to give him hush money, but Chris refused and announced that he would go to the sheriff. Chris went to the small town police department and told sheriff Stan that he wanted to press charges, but Stan argued that it was case closed and Chris was lucky that the casino didn’t sue him. Stan accepted the casino’s investigation without doing his own and he explained that the casino got away with everything and would continue to do so since it was the main source of income for everyone in town. Chris said he wouldn’t stand for the lack of law and order, so the crooked lawman argued that it was his town and his law and order so Chris should back off. Deni later visited Chris at the Vaughn and gave him his jacket that was put in the trash at the casino. She suggested that he run for sheriff and told him she had been working at the casino for a year. Chris mentioned Deni dating Jay and working for him, but she replied that their relationship was short-lived and she had to pay the bills. Chris’s family then got a call and went to an abandoned shed around town where young Pete was being tended to by Michelle and the paramedics after the group of teens he hung out with gave him crystal meth. Pete said he never took that drug before, and Chris got it out of the teens that they got the drugs from the casino employees. Connie wanted Chris to call the police, but he knew they wouldn’t listen and went to get his gun. His dad couldn’t stop him and Chris went to the casino, where Chris decided not to use his gun and instead took a two-by-four into the casino building. He smashed up the slot machines and then used the cedar plank on Jay’s minions who attacked him. Booth, the head of security who sliced Chris earlier, appeared with a gun but he and Chris engaged in hand-to-hand combat. Chris knocked Booth out and took back his necklace, and then Chris threw the plank and smashed the two-way mirror behind which Jay was watching the action. Jay declared that they were enemies, and then Chris left with adrenaline pumping. Chris didn’t get far and was surrounded by police cars and the officers arrested him. Because of his military records, Chris was offered a plea deal involving three months of house arrest and community service. Chris’s attorney Mr. Crowe advised him to take the deal because the casino employees would testify that he acted like a madman and he would spend 18 years in prison. Chris refused to plead guilty and they went to court. Booth lied that Chris had no cause to be violent and dangerous and Booth was just doing his job to keep order. One employee testified that Chris broke his arm, and Jay winked at him. The rest of the bought and bribed folks on Jay’s payroll testified against Chris and made him look like an out-of-control monster who was not provoked and whose intent it was to attack everyone using his military training. Chris saw Mr. Crowe exchanging looks with Jay, so Chris fired him on the spot and then spoke on his own behalf. Judge Leonard Powell explained that Chris couldn’t call for a mistrial if he represented himself without an attorney, and Chris accepted because all the attorneys in town worked for or associated with Jay in one way or another. Chris explained that he grew up in that town and the town wasn’t drug-infested with corrupt police until the casino came to town. The mill was shut down and the townspeople were afraid for their lives if they had a difference of opinion. Chris announced that he would run for sheriff if he was acquitted of the charges, and then he showed the jury the deep-cuts that would leave horrible scars covering his chest. He promised to make sure it never happened again or to anyone in the town, but the judge held Chris in contempt of court and told the jury to pay no attention to his horrific scars. Chris showed the audience his scars, and the jury later gave their verdict that Chris was not guilty. Chris left the court room with his cedar plank that was in evidence, and the crowd was ecstatic that Chris was proven innocent and chanted for Sheriff Vaughn. Soon after, Chris was elected sheriffand showed up at the sheriff’s office. Stan said it was tradition for all the unethical officers to keep their jobs, but Chris fired the entire staff at the corrupt sheriff’s office. Sheriff Chris later pulled over Jay with his latest girlfriend for speeding in his convertible and warned Jay about the drugs at the casino. Jay pointed out that Chris couldn’t make it in the army, he didn’t make it at college football and he wouldn’t make it as a cop. Jay threatened Chris that if he wasn’t careful he wouldn’t make it to 40, so Chris told Jay to fix his taillights and then smashed them with the two-by-four. Sheriff Chris went to see Ray and told him to be the deputy, but Ray refused because he was a convicted felon.However, Sheriff Chris had the power to overlook Ray’s criminal background and deputized Ray anyway. Ray suggested that they follow the money trail to find what they were looking for, so deputy and sheriff used police brutality to beat up the druggies and get information out of them. Chris and Ray beat up Booth, arrested him and planted drugs on him as an excuse to “search” his souped-up truck. They did so by handcuffing Booth and making him watch them take the truck apart into pieces and destroy it so it couldn’t be put back together. He still refused to tell them anything and threatened to hurt them. Chris left his gun with his dad for protection, but he didn’t want the gun and told Chris that he didn’t like him involved in the war on drugs. Chris found Ray doing whatever he could to irritate Booth at the sheriff’s office/jail. Chris assigned Ray to take his gun and go to the Vaughn house and protect his family. Later that night, Deni showed up at the sheriff’s office and brought Chris food and told him that she quit her job at the casino. The two didn’t eat but instead they made out and had sex in the sheriff’s office. The next morning, Chris opened the blinds in the sheriff’s office to see his prisoner as Deni sat on the bed in her bra. Jay got a call from someone and told them to do it, and then Chris’s sheriff truck exploded and went up in flames outside the sheriff’s building. Chris went to investigate with his gun, and Booth screamed from his jail cell that it was a truck for a truck. Jay’s gang (including the old sheriff Stan) then shot up the sheriff’s office with their machine guns. At the Vaughn house, Ray woke up from where he was sleeping on the couch to the smell of something burning. One of Jay’s men was holding Pete at gunpoint, and he shot Ray in the leg. Pete attacked the goon and then Ray fended him off. The other bad guys held Michelle and her parents at gunpoint and hit Chris’s dad in the head, and then Ray got into a shootout and fistfight with the goons destroying the Vaughn house in the process. Jay’s men started shooting at Booth in his cell, and Chris refused to let Booth free so Booth ratted out his gang and revealed that the drug operation was at the abandoned mill. Chris told Booth to stay down, but Booth didn’t and was shot in the crossfire. Chris and Deni crawled underneath the police station, and former sheriff Stan went inside and shot the place up like a lunatic. Chris and Deni, still in her bra, and with a handgun that Chris gave her, both fired their guns and Stan was shot dead. Chris arrived back at his house, where one of the criminals who was still alive held his gun on Chris and Ray until Chris’s dad shot him dead. Chris sped off to the mill and went inside to investigate. Chris found the lab inside the lumber mill where the drugs were made and then found Jay, who had Chris set up for a trap. The floor opened up below Chris and left him dangling, and Jay began whacking Chris in hopes he would fall but then Chris pulled Jay down with him. They fell to the floor far below and wrestled until Jay pushed Chris off a platform and he broke his leg where he already had an old injury. Chris ran into the woods nearby to pop the bone into place, and Jay went after him with an axe. The two of them rolled down the hillside and Jay started swinging his axe at Chris who fended him off with a log. Chris finally got the upper hand over Jay and beat him into the ground, and sheriff Vaughn told Jay that it was his town. Chris and Ray later shut down the casino, sent Jay and his remaining drug dealers to jail and put the mill back in business. This movie had a budget of $46 million and grossed over $57 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, US Weekly, “Rock solid action!” UPN-TV, “An action-movie lover’s feast.” FOX-TV “Endlessly enjoyable and a lot of fun!” Arizona Daily Star, “Bone-cracking, adrenaline-pumping.”

DATE REVIEWED: 9/2/25

TITLE: The Santa Claus Brothers

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001 Nelvana / Our Time Family Entertainment / FUNimation Productions / Sitting Ducks Productions / Film Roman / Disney Channel / YTV Canada

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie takes place in the North Pole, where Santa and Mrs. Claus (Bernice) lived with their triplet sons, Roy, Mel and Daryl. Over the centuries, Santa upgraded his original sled to higher-end models. All three now adult sons wanted to be the next Santa, but they all had different personalities and work ethics and didn’t prove they were ready yet to handle the Santa job. Roy was the eldest and gathered children’s information about what the world’s kids wanted this year so he could make an educated guess on what kind of new toy the elves could create to make the kids happy next year. His youngest brother Mel, who built a flying machine that he used to destroy the toy factory and terrify the elves, interrupted Roy’s work. The middle son, Daryl, was busy partying with the elves and dancing to music instead of loading the sled in preparation for Christmas Eve the following day. Santa planned to pick his successor that night, but he didn’t believe any of his sons were capable of taking his place despite almost 150 years of training. Snorkel, the head elf hid his secretly wicked real self and planned for years to be the next Santa. He convinced Santa to let him do the present delivery that year until a replacement could be found. Snorkel explained to his loyal assistant Busby that he had spent the past decades making sure that Santa’s sons were failures so that Snorkel could take over the North Pole. He planned to become Snorkel Claus without the beard and modernize the toy-making process by adding computers and robots to the factories. He would also turn a profit by charging user fees for the milk and cookies and toys. Dopey Busby finally realized that Snorkel was doing things for his own gain and not for the good of the season. That night at dinner, much to Snorkel’s dismay, Santa and Mrs. Claus announced their decision to send their sons on a mission to the real world to discover “the true meaning of Christmas.” The sons would leave the following morning and return by nightfall, and whichever son succeeded would accompany Santa on his present run otherwise Snorkel would be the temporary Santa replacement so Santa could retire. Santa wanted his sons to walk through the snow to the real world and pointed out that it was harder for him in his day because he didn’t have global warming then. Snorkel backed up Mrs. Claus and convinced Santa that his sons were capable of taking the sleigh and getting it back to the North Pole in time for Christmas Eve. As the elves cheated at cards around the Christmas tree, Snorkel reassured Santa’s sons that they were ready for their mission. He suggested that they begin their search in Santa Monica because the word “Santa” was in its name, but the sons were too worried that they would fail and planned to ask Santa for 150 more years of training before he retired. Snorkel planned to get the sons to the real world no matter what and make sure they never came back, so he individually talked to each of the brothers. He told them all that they were each the favorite candidates to replace their dad and lied about what the true meaning of Christmas was. Snorkel told Mel to invent a new toy using supplies in Santa Monica that he didn’t have at the North Pole, and then Snorkel advised Roy to go to the real world to find the one single number that he need to make all his Christmas calculations. Daryl was told by the evil elf to throw a huge party in Santa Monica to make everyone happier on Christmas. The brothers left in the sleigh and ended up losing the map and air-driving recklessly when they fought over who should be in charge. They almost crash-landed in the Australian outback, inside a volcano, outside the Kremlin in Russia and on the Great Wall of China. The sleigh finally crashed on a beach in Santa Monica, California USAand the sons went in different directions and left the sleigh in the sand. Two punk rocker dudes decked out in skulls arrived in their wrecker truck to take away the sleigh, but they were scared off by Busby. Snorkel had sent Busby to stow away so he could spy on the brothers and report back to Snorkel using his candy cane phone. Busby then accidentally the wrong button and the reindeer took off with the sleigh and Busby in tow. Mel headed to the Mongoose Toys store, where a grumpy man announced over the loudspeaker that everyone was maxing out his and her credit card for cousins they didn’t know and bosses they didn’t like. Mel was bombarded by a group of kids who believed that he was Santa and told him what toys they wanted. Roy went to a rooftop to get information for his statistics and figure out which kids were going left or right based on their hair color. A snotty young girl named Louisa lived in the building and found Roy. She ordered him to leave until she found out that he was Santa’s son, so she took him to her closet. Daryl found a 13-year-old boy on the beach who was moping his dad gave him one last chance to create a film that could be aired on his TV network. Daryl offered to help the boy by throwing a party, so the boy brainstormed a plot about an overweight man dressed like Santa with themes of despair and agony. Mel escaped from the toy store with ideas to invent a kid-safe toy, but he didn’t have the supplies. He met a homeless man named Burt, who took him to find spare parts. Louisa wished she was an only child and got away from her annoying younger sisters by hiding in the closet, her second-favorite place besides the rooftop. Roy took notes about everything Louisa told him, and she informed him that her parents said “no” to everything at Christmastime. She wasn’t allowed to play video games instead of going to church or put her sisters in the laundry basket while she opened her gifts. Louisa agreed to take Roy around town to talk to other kids about Christmas and gifts, and he promised to give Santa the list he wrote about Louisa’s problems. The teen boy had his people set up a movie set on the beach, and he instructed Daryl and Polly Peterson to be in love with each other and improvise the script. The rocker guys took their story to the news and claimed that Busby was an alien that tried to abduct them. Meanwhile, Snorkel gave Mrs. Claus travel brochures and suggested that she and Santa retire to Jamaica or Tibet. Santa turned on the TV, and Snorkel jumped around on the satellite dish on the roof and broke it off before Santa could see alien Busby on the news. Burt took Mel to the junkyard, where they bumped into Frank who was acting fruity because he wanted to be next king of France. Louisa brought Roy to the playground, where he tried to ask the kids questions for his study and the adult male ended up sitting in the lap of a boy on the swing. Three bully kids then confronted Roy and one stole his hat. Roy snatched his hat back and threatened to put them on the naughty list. That set off the bullies, who chased after Roy and Louisa. They hid in a dumpster, and Roy gave up his numbers and told Louisa that he missed his family. He left, and that got Louisa to thinking about her own family. The filmmaker boy was bored with Daryl’s happy Christmas attitude on set, so he told Daryl and Polly to stop loving Christmas and to add danger to the plot.Drama queen Polly broke up with Daryl and told him to grow up and find a new dream because Santa was for kids. There was no party after all and everyone left Daryl alone on the beach. Busby locked the sleigh and reindeer in a storage unit. A skater dude demanded payment for the locker, so Busby gave him his candy cane. Mel built a robot using parts from the junkyard, but it didn’t work and exploded when he activated it. The three brothers met back up on the beach and argued over their failed mission and the missing sleigh. Busby spied on them and called Snorkel, who told Busby not to come back until January even though the kids would be disappointed not getting any gifts. Snorkel planned to start over next year as the new Santa running things his way and rebuilding the organization. Snorkel told Santa and Mrs. Claus that their sons weren’t coming back, and the evil elf was shocked when they revealed they would be taking an old sleigh pulled by an assortment of magic pets (polar bears, fish, a pelican, a beaver and a reindeer) to Santa Monica to find their sons. Snorkel offered to stay behind, and before the Clauses left, Snorkel sabotaged the sleigh by using a saw on it. That caused Santa and Mrs. Claus to crash-land on the beach where their sons waited, and the animals flew away with the old sleigh. The boys apologized for losing the new sleigh, and their parents were disappointed but were happy they were all together on Christmas Eve. The Claus bunch followed the sounds of people caroling to a Holiday festival in the streets, where they were approached by a group of kids. They praised Daryl’s performance that was aired on local TV from the teen dad’s network station and told him that they were inspired by it and it changed their lives. The children learned that it wasn’t about having a lot of gifts at Christmas and they just needed to have love for each other. Burt stopped by and gave Mel a cartload of little robots that Burt and the other homeless guys made at the junkyard and then handed out to kids to spread the joy of Christmas. Burt explained that it didn’t matter what the toys did because they were handmade and that made them special. Louisa appeared with her family and ripped up the list of toys she wanted that she gave Roy earlier. She told Roy that she didn’t need the toys and thanked him for helping her realize that she should count her blessings for her mom, dad and siblings because material things couldn’t take the place of their love. Louisa spread the word to everyone via email. The Clauses found Busby in the street. Busby told him that he was brainwashed by his rogue boss Snorkel and he no longer wanted to be evil. He retrieved the sleigh and reindeer from storage, and he and the Clauses headed back home. Meanwhile, Snorkel had fired all the elves and suggested that they find work at the oil fields in Alaska. Busby used his candy cane cell phone and called Snorkel so the Clauses could hear Snorkel admit his evil side, because Busby and the Clauses we already back in the North Pole and within sight and hearing of the conversation. Santa gave Snorkel a shovel and told him to dig a walkway to Greenland while Busby got off easy and because Santa’s personal assistant. Santa announced that he was taking all three of his sons with him and the business was now called Santa & Sons and Santa wasn’t retiring. Mrs. Claus joined them in the sleigh and they all five left on Christmas Eve to deliver the presents.

DATE REVIEWED: 8/31/25

TITLE: Philomena (Lee)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2013 The Weinstein Company / Anchor Bay Entertainment / Starz Media / BBC Films / Yucaipa Films / Pathé / BFI / Canal+ / Cine+ / Baby Cow Productions / Magnolia Mae Productions / 20thCentury Fox

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is supposedly based on a true story and the book, “The Lost Child of Philomena Lee.” It takes place in the UK and began with unemployed Martin Sixsmith going to his doctor after he got fired from his position as a BBC news reporter for saying something he supposedly didn’t say. He had an ongoing spat with Stephen Byers at Whitehall. Martin considered writing a Russian book in his free time since he was the BBC man in Russia and Washington, D.C. The doctor advised against it and suggested that Martin take up running. Martin told the Sunday Times that the government went back on their word and went against him instead of supporting him, and thus he was out of a job. Martin and his wife, Kate, attended a Catholic church service led by Father Tierny but Martin walked out. Kate met up with him after the service was finished, and Martin declared that he didn’t believe in God anyway. An elderly female, Philomena Lee, went to a Catholic church after everyone left. She told the priest that she had a titanium implant in her hip and she came to light a candle for someone she knew from her past titanium implant in her hip. Philomena had flashbacks of when she looked to be an underage teen in Ireland and had met a young man at a carnival and they were soon made out behind a tent and had sex. Months later, Philomena found herself pregnant at an orphanage run by nuns because her dad disowned her. She confessed to the nuns that she took her knickers off, but she had no idea how she got pregnant because her mom had died ten years before. The sisters of the church scolded Philomena and told her not to blame them for her own indecency. The Catholic nuns tried to deliver the baby, but it was breeched and the younger kids in the orphanage were terrified by Philomena’s screams. Reverend Mother Barbara refused to call a doctor and believed that the pain was Philomena’s punishment for her sins. Philomena (looked like a young teen) finally birthed a baby boy named Anthony and Mother Barbara held him. Back in real time, elder Philomena returned home, where her young adult daughter, Jane, lived with her. After almost two decades of silence, Philomena decided to show Jane a picture of the baby that she birthed 50 years before because it was his birthday. Meanwhile, Martin met news editor Sally Mitchell at a house party, and she specialized in human sob stories and told Martin to tell her if he had any stories. Jane worked as a waitress at the party and overheard that Martin was a writer looking for work. She asked him if he would do a story about a woman who had a baby when she was a teen but the nuns took the boy away from her. Martin explained that it was one of those human-interest stories featuring weak and ignorant people that just filled in newspapers and were read by the same kind of people. He wanted no part of it, but he later talked to Kate about doing a human-interest story because she was tired of him moping around the house and being depressed. Soon after, Martin tracked Jane down and met up with Philomena and Jane at Philomena’s favorite salad bar. Philomena told Martin that Jane went to university, and Martin said he went to Oxford. He had been married to Kate for 20 years and they lived in Knightsbridge, an expensive district in London. Philomena professed that she loved the lost child and she told Martin her story that her dad told everyone she was dead and left her with the Catholic nuns when he discovered she was pregnant since she was an embarrassment to the family. Philomena never heard from her Lee family after that, and she was required to stay at the orphanage and do slave labor for four years after she had the baby to repay the sisters. The females were forced to stay there and work unless they could pay the nuns 100 pounds, otherwise they were in that trap Catholic house. Philomena worked in the laundry seven days a week for all four years inside the convent beside her best friend was Kathleen. A few other teen girls working there were in the same boat as Philomena. The teen females were only allowed to see the toddler children for one hour a day. Anthony and Kathleen’s daughter, Mary, were playmates. Sister Annunciata, who saved Anthony’s life during birth, stole a picture of Anthony from the Reverend Mother and gave it to Philomena to keep. Soon after, a big car arrived and the girls knew that one of the children would be adopted out. Kathleen was beside herself because she knew Mary would be taken, and Philomena watched from her shared bedroom window as a wealthy couple picked up Mary. Philomena went to choir practice, but she was called away by another girl who told her that Anthony was also being adopted. Philomena ran out of choir and went to her window to watch the couple leave with Anthony and Mary, and she ran to the gate and screamed Anthony’s name as the gray car drove away. She sobbed hysterically as Sister Hildegarde watched on and told Philomena to get back inside the abbey. Jane called the nuns evil for not giving Philomena painkillers during the breech birth, and Martin knew that describing the Catholic nuns like that would sell more copies of the story. As the years went by and Philomena left the Catholic sister house, Philomena visited the convent repeatedly to inquire about the lost boy, but the nuns wouldn’t help her track down Anthony so Martin planned to try his luck. Jane and Philomena invited Martin to go out of town with them to the Roscrea nunnery, but Martin didn’t want to drive because he preferred to fly. Martin rented a BMW and met up with them in Ireland, but Jane stayed behind while Martin and Philomena Lee drove to Roscrea. Philomena put a St. Christopher necklace on the rearview mirror for luck, and Martin believed that saint was like Mickey Mouse and revealed that he used to be an altar boy. They arrived at the remote and wooded Roscrea Abbey Sisters of the Sacred Heart, and Philomena told Martin that she was lucky because most of the teens and babies their didn’t survive childbirth. Philomena dismissed herself to the bathroom, but she instead revisited the old places she remembered. She went to the gate and had a flashback of the day that Anthony was taken away, and she could see the car’s license plate GHI 837. Martin noticed a picture on the wall of what he thought was celebrity Jayne Mansfield, but Sister Claire corrected him that it was Jane Russell (twin look alike or staged death). Martin asked which one of them died in a car crash, and Claire explained that it was Jayne Mansfield. Martin questioned why the autographed photo of Jane was on the wall but received no reply. Philomena told sister Claire that she had called Hildegarde a while ago but she was too sick for Philomena to visit. Claire explained that sister Hildegarde was still alive but wasn’t well, and most of the records were destroyed in the big fire therefore they had no news of Anthony. Philomena said that she still went to mass and she just wanted to know if Anthony was okay, and Martin spied Hildegard in another room hobbling with her cane. Martin stated that he used to be a Roman Catholic and asked if he could speak to the older nuns who might have memory of where Anthony might have gone. Claire refused and asked Martin to leave because it wasn’t his place to pry and she wanted to console Philomena alone. Martin tried to speak to sister Hildegarde in her private quarters, but he was stopped by one of the sisters who informed him that he wasn’t allowed in that part of the building. Martin went outside to the cemetery and saw the gravestones of multiple young teen girls and babies that were buried there after dying in childbirth, such as 14-year-old Aisling Devlin. When Martin returned to the car, Philomena was waiting for him with an envelope from Claire. Philomena told Martin that Claire advised her to be careful of the reporter because she knew nothing about him and he was trying to manipulate her to get a story. Martin opened the envelope and inside was a binding legal lifetime contract that Philomena Lee signed. She agreed to relinquish all rights and never to attempt to see, interfere with or make any claim to Anthony in the future. Philomena Lee declared that she signed the contract of her own free will and had no legal rights to said child. Philomena and Martin went to a country hillside, where she explained that she enjoyed having sex with the man who got her pregnant and she signed the paper because she knew she had sinned. Martin’s comment was f-ing Catholics. Philomena said she had worked for 30 years as a nurse. Philomena Lee never mentioned a husband or her other children, aside from Jane. Martin and Philomena had another nightcap at the pub before Jane took Philomena to their room for the night. Martin asked the local bartender about the fire, and he explained that the sisters had a bonfire in the field outside the abbey and burned all the records themselves because they were ashamed that they sold the babies to America and they didn’t want anyone telling stories. The Americans were the only ones who could afford to pay 1,000 pounds for a baby, and even Jane Russell the actress visited Ireland to buy an Irish child from Derry in 1952. Martin called newspaper Sally to see if she was interested in the Lee story, and she approved it and insisted that it have either a good or bad ending. Martin told Philomena and Jane that it was likely an American couple that bought Anthony. Martin called the Sacred Heart Adoption Society for information, and they sent him to the Irish Adoption Board who then sent him back to Sacred Heart. It was a dead-end on that side of the pond, but then the ex BBC Reporter Martin spoke with his contacts in Washington D.C. USA and he believed he could track down records. He told Philomena that as Anthony’s birth mom, she had rights and the Americans would be legally bound to provide her information when the contract stated otherwise. Jane planned to stay behind while Martin and Philomena went to the USA to look for Anthony since Ms. Lee couldn’t forget the boy even though he was too young to remember her. Martin and Philomena boarded British Airways, and Martin’s ex-coworker, Alex, said hello from first-class. Alex spoke to Martin, who silenced Philomena from telling Alex what they were up to. The plane landed at the Washington Dulles airport in DC, and Martin and Philomena checked into their room at the Washington Court Hotel. Caroline returned the call to her old BBC pal Martin. Caroline worked at the immigration records office and he wanted her to search for Anthony’s arrival in the US using his date of birth and year of arrival. Martin then wanted to walk off their jet lag by going to the Lincoln Memorial. Philomena wanted to stay behind to watch Big Momma’s House because she saw a preview and thought it was funny with the black man dressing up like a black woman. They went to the Lincoln memorial, where Martin took happy and sad pictures of Philomena Lee and told her about quid pro quo and how expensive it would be to track someone down. Philomena Lee was concerned that Anthony might have been a drug addict, overweight (Americans ate too big of portion sizes) or died in Vietnam. Martin calmed Philomena down and advised her not to worry. She later knocked on his room door and thanked him for giving his time up to help her find Anthony. The next morning, Martin called Caroline again and asked her to email him the immigration records while he searched on FindYourPeople.net. Martin was rude to the waitress and Philomena who just wanted to make the most of her American experience with a free gourmet breakfast. Martin received the email from Caroline’s private records at her work and it featured a picture of Dr. and Mrs. Hess arriving at Midway airport in Chicago with their new children Mary and Michael (Anthony) who they just adopted from Ireland. Martin searched the name and discovered that Michael Hess (DOB 7/5/52) was a Republican lawyer, key advisor during the Reagan administration and chief legal counsel to George Bush Sr. Michael died on 8/15/95 eight years before. Philomena brought Martin blueberries even though he didn’t want breakfast, and he was silent so she thought it was because he told her before she left that it was quiet time. She then looked down and saw the picture of the adult man on Martin’s computer and identified him Anthony. Philomena Lee hysterically sobbed in Martin’s arms when she learned that Anthony was dead. Martin and Philomena went to the airport to return to Ireland because she wanted to be with Jane. Martin called Sally and told her that Anthony was dead and there was no story, but Sally didn’t want it to end that way so she told Martin to find out how Anthony died. She insisted that Martin keep Philomena Lee in America to make an even better story even though she was very upset and felt the loss of Anthony a second time. Sally reminded Martin that he had to finish the story the way she wanted it in order to get paid because he signed a contract. Philomena made the decision herself to stay in America a little while longer so she could talk to people who knew Anthony. Marcia Weller sent Martin a picture of Anthony with President Reagan, and Martin informed Philomena that Marcia used to work with Anthony and they could meet with her the following day. Philomena noticed that there was a younger version of Martin in the picture, and Martin confirmed it and realized that he had met Anthony Lee as Michael Hess ten years before at the White House when Martin was reporting for the BBC.Philomena was ecstatic to learn that Anthony was polite and had a firm handshake. Philomena and Martin met with Marcia the next day, and she explained that Michael was the legal counsel for both the Bush and Reagan administrations. Marcia offered to get in touch with Michael’s sister, Mary, and then they reviewed pictures of Michael that Marcia had. One photo had him being hugged by Pete Olsson, who Marcia hesitantly said was a friend of Michael’s. There was also a picture of Michael and Marcia together, and Philomena asked Marcia if she was his girlfriend and she replied no. Marcia confessed that Michael was gay and explained that she acted like Michael’s date because the Republicans frowned upon Michael being gay and he had no children. Philomena Lee wasn’t surprised that Michael was gay, and she later told Martin that she figured he would turn out that way because he was a sensitive toddler.As Martin and Philomena drove to see Mary, they discussed using Philomena’s real name in the story and Martin said they had to. Mary showed them pictures of her and Michael’s mom, Marge, and explained that she and Michael didn’t have the happiest childhood because their doctor dad was strict. Mary’s own two sons were out back torturing their little sister as the adults were in the house. There were more pictures showing Michael with sores on his face, and Philomena guessed it right that he died from AIDS because he didn’t use a condom and practice safe sex. Mary explained that Michael wasn’t happy working for Reagan during the last few years of his life because the Republicans stopped the funding for AIDS research and blamed the epidemic on the gay lifestyle. Mary said that there was a fight between Pete and Michael’s doctor dad about where Michael would be buried, and Mary didn’t want to get involved. Mary told Philomena Lee that Michael never mentioned Ireland because he didn’t remember it. Martin and Philomena left. Martin later pointed out that it was odd that Mary didn’t ask about her birth mom Kathleen. Philomena replied that it wasn’t odd because Mary (like Michael) was too young to remember Kathleen when she was adopted into her family. Martin stopped at the local church to let Philomena could confess her sins, and he told her that the Catholic Church should confess their sins of stealing babies away from young girls and murdering others in the process. The two got into a spat, and Martin stated once again that he didn’t believe in God and Philomena called him a f-ing idiot. Martin filled Sally in on the details, and she wanted to run the story in the weekend press. Philomena was unable to confess her sins and broke down in tears, and the priest told her to have faith and assured her that God would forgive her. Philomena stormed out of the church without saying a word and told Martin that she would take out a loan to pay him back for all the expenses. She didn’t want the story published because it wasn’t her Anthony, it was somebody’s Michael and he didn’t know her. Martin convinced Philomena to talk to Michael’s lover, Pete. Martin left several messages for Pete, who refused to call him back and didn’t want to meet with Philomena Lee. Martin went to Philomena’s hotel room, but she didn’t open the door so he had the receptionist call the room. There was no answer, so the concierge unlocked the door and Martin said that Philomena was his mother so the employee would unlock the hotel door. He found her out on the balcony and was worried she had been planning to jump, and he told her that he was still trying to get ahold of Pete but Philomena knew that Pete didn’t want to talk with her. Philomena visited Pete at the bar, and he told her that Michael wore a Celtic harp pin on his business suit that matched the symbol on the Guinness beer glass. Martin explained that Michael didn’t play the harp and he cared about his Irish past, which changed Philomena’s mind since she had wanted to leave for England the next day instead of visit Pete. Martin and Philomena arrived at Pete’s house where Michael had also lived. On their stakeout, they watched as Pete and his new boyfriend drove up in a red Mazda. The two men lovers shared a kiss, and then Pete’s boyfriend left. Martin declared that they would doorstep Pete, which was a trick that journalists did to people who didn’t want to speak to them. Pete answered the door, and Martin identified himself and Philomena. Pete tried to slam the door in Martin’s face, but he put his foot in the door until Pete threatened to call the police if Martin didn’t leave. He walked away, so Philomena told Martin to wait in the car while she confronted Pete herself. Pete let Philomena inside the house, and they and Martin watched home videos of Michael growing up through adulthood. Philomena and Martin were shocked to see footage of Michael at Roscrea with the nuns, including Sister Hildegarde who Martin identified as still there since she was the sister he had seen hobbling around. Pete explained that he took Michael to Ireland like he wanted, and the nuns claimed to know nothing about Michael’s past and said he was abandoned. The Catholic nuns had told Philomena that they knew nothing about Michael even after he visited them as an adult. Pete added that the argument he had with Michael’s dad about the burial resulted because it was Michael’s dying wish to be buried in Ireland. Martin and Philomena returned to Ireland, where they revisited Roscrea. They were told to wait for Sister Claire, and Philomena said it wasn’t the nuns’ fault because they didn’t know Anthony had a different name. Martin knew that one of the sisters did know, so he went into the private quarters to find Sister Hildegarde. He burst through doors to get to Hildegarde, and the Father threatened to call security. Martin demanded an answer from Hildegarde why she kept quiet when Michael and Philomena visited. Sister Hildegarde replied that she kept her vow of chastity her entire life, and that made her closer to God and more righteous while the girls got themselves in trouble by having sex and bringing God’s child into a world where the immature girls could not properly care for HIS children. Martin told the sisters that they should clear the overgrown graves of the innocent people they buried in their cemetery and remember them instead of trying to hide them. Sister Hildegarde argued that she only answered to Jesus, and Martin argued that if Jesus were there he would tip Hildegard out of her f-ing wheelchair and make her do it herself. Philomena Lee came into the room and reporter Martin and her got into an argument because she kept her silence while he stood up for her. Philomena ended it by telling sister Hildegarde that she forgave her for what she did because Philomena didn’t have a son and Michael died from AIDS caused by gay sex (although it appeared in his photos that Michael was not gay until after he was an adult and was working in Washington D.C.). She told Martin that she wasn’t going to be like him and hate people. Sister Claire took Philomena to Michael’s grave in the Abbey cemetery, and reporter Martin told the Catholic priest and sister that he couldn’t forgive them. Martin bought a Jesus statue from the Catholic gift shop, and he gave it to Philomena to put on Michael’s grave and told her that he wasn’t going to publish the story. Philomena decided that she wanted the story told anyway, and then she and Martin left the abbey and let Michael rest in peace. Feeling happier, Philomena told Martin the whole storyline of the book she just finished reading on their car ride back, The Saddle and the Loom, before he could read it himself like she had done with another book that Martin had planned to read on the flight to America so he never read it. Martin published his book, “The Lost Child of Philomena Lee” in 2000, and thousands more children that were adopted from Ireland were looking to be reunited with their birth mothers who were shamed by the Catholic Church. Philomena currently lived in South England with her children and grandchildren and often visited Michael’s grave at Roscrea. Martin became an author and broadcaster and went on to publish many books about Russian history. This movie had a budget of $12 million and grossed over $100 million at the box office and was also nominated for 4 Academy Awards. The movie cover art listed, Rex Redd, The New York Observer, “The most powerful movie of the year.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, “Moving and memorable.” Mary Corliss, Time Magazine, “A triumph for Judi Dench. Brilliant. A performance of grace, nuance and cinematic heroism.”

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn WithHIS Loving JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.