GOD BLESS POLICE!

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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/4/23

TITLE: Spirit Untamed The Movie 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2021 Universal Studios/Dreamworks Animation

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This cartoon movie that doesn’t exhibit safe horseback riding for children is about thirteen-year-old Fortuna Esperanza Navarro Prescott (Lucky).  Baby Lucky lived with her Aunt Cora and her railroad baron grandfather, James, at his mansion following the death of Lucky’s Spanish mom, Milagro. Milagro died in a horse-riding accident with the Las Caballeras female stunt-riding team. After his wife’s sudden death, Lucky’s dad, Jim, sent his daughter to live with relatives. Many years later when Lucky was a teen, James ran for governor. The adults ventured outside to welcome their guests arriving for the campaign launch party for James. However, when the people came inside they were all shocked to see Lucky (Aunt Cora trained to be a proper young lady) hanging from the ceiling and the house messy. Lucky was supposed to be studying in her room but teen Lucky let Tom, the flying squirrel, in through her window and he led her on a wild squirrel chase around the mansion. A picture of Tom on James’s face made the front-page news. Shortly after, Cora and Lucky boarded a train to the desert town of Miradero for the summer to stay with Lucky’s dad (who she hadn’t seen in ten years and now worked for the railroad. James required peace and quiet for his political campaign run. Cora left their train car to get some tea. Lucky spotted a wild mustang stallion (she later named Spirit) galloping alongside the train with his herd. Lucky climbed along the outside wall of the train to get to the last train car to be closer to the horses. Cora saw Lucky through the window and hurried after her. A man named Hendricks saved Lucky from falling off the train when the teen girl tried to touch Spirit. Jim wasn’t at the Miradero train station to pick Cora and Lucky up as planned, so Lucky went to the rodeo at Al Granger’s corral and saw the Las Caballeras riders perform. They gave Lucky a pink ribbon like the one Milagro used to have. Lucky and Cora walked to Jim’s house (which had mice and railroad explosives in the closet) and discovered that he hadn’t been at the station to pick them up because he was busy with work. Soon after her arriving, Lucky discovered a secret closet hidden behind the armoire in her bedroom that held all of Milagro’s old circus things. Lucky heard a horse neighing in the distance and went outside to explore. She saw Spirit at the Granger Corral being roughly broken by Hendricks and other wranglers. Later that night at dinner, Lucky told Jim about her new friend Spirit, but he angrily told Lucky never to go near that horse or any other horse (because his wife died from falling off a horse and he didn’t want the same thing to happen to Lucky). However, teen Lucky went against Jim’s parental authority and spent the next couple of days at the corral. Lucky used apples to gain Spirit’s trust from the other side of the fence until she was able to go into the corral and approach him. A six-year-old boy named Snips and his adorable mini donkey, Senor Carrots, tried to show Lucky how to use carrots in order to ride Spirit, but Lucky decided instead to jump onto Spirit’s back. The powerful steed bolted out of the corral because Snips left the gate open towards the canyon with the young inexperienced female rider. Lucky’s new friends, Pru Granger, and Abigail Stone, rode after Lucky on their horses, Chica Linda and Boomerang. Snips (Abigail’s younger brother) told Al and Jim (Abigail and Snips dad) what happened and blamed the wind for opening the gate when in fact the very young and unsupervised boy left the gate open. Pru and Abigail rescued Lucky off the back of Spirit, who kept running further into the canyons. Jim and Al then arrived. Jim took Lucky home and they had an argument about how Lucky didn’t listen to him and thought Spirit belonged to her, and when Lucky told Jim that couldn’t just come back into her life all of a sudden and tell her what to do, the absent for the majority of Lucky’s life Jim, announced that he was sending Lucky and Cora back to her grandfather’s house on the next train. As Jim and Cora discussed the situation downstairs that night, Lucky snuck out of her bedroom window and into the dark woods to meet up with Spirit. She found Spirit and his herd and fed all of them apples. But, then Hendrick and some wranglers rounded up Spirit’s herd and put the horses on a train to an awaiting ship. Spirit let Lucky ride him to get Pru and Abigail for help, but the teen girls said it was impossible to intercept the train at the water depot and rescue the horses before the horses arrived at the dock where they would board a vessel and be gone forever. Lucky and Spirit rode away to rescue the horses themselves, but then Pru and Abigail changed their minds and decided to tag along with Lucky. Meanwhile, Cora, Jim and Al discovered that the girls were missing, and so they used the train out of the shed that Jim had been building out of spare parts. Jim named the train after his dead wife and claimed that it was the fastest train ever built. However, the horse train arrived early and the girls still slept in their outside camp when it pulled up at the water depot. Spirit figured out what was going on and ran off to save his herd. Even though their initial plan failed, the three girls (Lucky riding double with another girl) decided to keep following the train and they made it to the dock just as the horses were being loaded onto the boat. The teens rescued Spirit, but then the boat started sailing away from the dock with the rest of the horses. Lucky and Spirit dangerously climbed to a higher place in order to jump a very far distance from a building onto the boat. Lucky let the horses out of their enclosure, and then everyone (including the horses and bad guys) jumped into the water and swam to shore. Jim and Cora managed to use a rowboat to help Lucky. Jim and Al apprehended the wranglers. The teen females then rode home on their horses. Along the way, they stopped so Lucky could say goodbye to Spirit and let the stallion run wild and free with his herd. Jim, Cora and Lucky then went to the Miradero festival, and it was there Lucky decided that she wanted to stay in Miradero with her wild and free friends and too distracted to parent Jim verses go back to her grandpa’s at the end of summer as planned. Dave Morales from FOX TV Houston stated on the movie cover art, “An inspiring adventure for the whole family!” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/2/23

TITLE: Fantastic Mr. Fox 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009  20thCentury Fox/Indian Paintbrush/Regency Enterprises/American Empirical Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie is based on a 1970 children’s book. It began with Mr. Fox playing on his radio the Davy Crockett born on a mountaintop in Tennessee theme song. Mr. Fox’s wife, Mrs. Felicity Fox, then appeared and told him that the doctor said her illness was just a 24-hour bug and he gave her some pills. The two then went and robbed a nearby squab (young pigeon) coop. Mr. Fox messed around with a fox trap and thought he knew where the trap would land. However, when he pulled the chain a cage came down on top of Mr. and Mrs. Fox. She told him she was pregnant, and then they heard dogs barking and saw people coming with pitchforks. Mrs. Fox added that if they were still alive the following morning he needed to find a new line of work and he agreed. Two years later, Mr. Fox was a newspaperman, and his and Mrs. Fox’s son, Ash, was twelve fox-years old. Mr. Fox announced that he was tired of living in an underground hole because it made him feel poor and he was going to change that. Mr. Fox toured a home inside a tree, and then he went to the Badger, Beaver & Beaver law office where his attorney, Clive Badger, told him not to buy the tree for financial reasons, not to mention it was located in the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for foxes. Badger went on to explain that it was the home of Boggis, Bunce and Bean, three of the worst farmers in the history of the valley. Walt Boggis was probably the most successful chicken farmer in the world who ate chicken for all his meals. Nate Bunce was a duck and goose farmer and ate doughnuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them. Frank Bean was a turkey and apple farmer who Badger said was possibly the scariest man currently living and lived on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider made from his apples. Mr. Fox decided he was going to ignore Badger’s advice, and that led to them snarling and hissing at each other. Mr. Fox told Badger to just buy the tree. The Fox family moved into their new tree home, and Ash’s cousin, Kristofferson, arrived to stay with them until his dad recovered from double pneumonia. The next day, Mr. Fox decided he was going to revert back to his old ways of robbing chicken coops, and he recruited Kylie the male opossum as his secretary and personal assistant to help him carry out the master heist. First, they would start with Boggis’s coop, but in order to do that they had to get past the guard beagles. Mr. Fox laced blueberries with 10 mg of high potency sleeping powder, which was enough to tranquilize a gorilla. In the elementary chemistry class, a student asked Kristofferson why his cousin Ash was such a wet sandwich because he was too short, dressed like a girl, and was just different. Ash’s lab partner, Agnes, started talking to Kristofferson and Ash was jealous and reminded Agnes whose partner she was and told her that she was disloyal. Meanwhile, Mr. Fox and Kylie almost succeeded in their first heist, but Mr. Fox didn’t have a master escape plan and the alarm went off just as they reached the fence. They quickly crawled up the electric fence and were shocked with each step, but they made it over. As they ran, Mr. Fox told Kylie that they would stop at the five-and-dime, where they would make fake price tags and wrap the chickens in wax paper so it would look like they bought them at the butcher shop and Mrs. Fox wouldn’t suspect her husband did another chicken heist after all these years. Mrs. Fox did notice that it had a Boggis Farm tag on its leg, and Mr. Fox lied that the chicken must have escaped from there before he bought it at the five-and-dime the previous night. Mr. Fox and Kylie excused themselves from the house by telling Mrs. Fox that they had to go to a book party. Instead, they broke into Bunce’s refrigerated smokehouse that night and came home with bundles of duck and geese. The next morning, Mrs. Fox was shocked and suspicious to see dozens of new meat products in the pantry with sale price stickers on them. Mr. Fox and his personal secretary Kylie then broke into Bean’s secret cider cellar with the help of Kristofferson, who tagged along just because he was invited even though he didn’t think he should be there. The Bean Security guard inside the cellar was Rat, who Mr. Fox apparently knew from long ago. Rat pulled out a knife and danced around with it in a standoff against Mr. Fox. Rat referred to Mrs. Fox as the old lady and asked if she was still the wild, footloose, pretty town tart that she was back in her day. Kylie asked if that was true, and Mr. Fox replied of course not and then corrected himself that certainly his wife lived like everybody else and that was a different time and they shouldn’t use a double standard. The thieving trio managed to steal a few bottles of the alcoholic cider. Bean, smoking a cigarette, called Boggis and Bunce for an emergency meeting and Bean announced that he knew where the fox who robbed their farms lived, and the following night they would camp in the bushes, wait for the fox to come outside and then shoot him to smithereens. As Mr. Fox and Kylie arrived back at the house, Mrs. Fox was waiting for them in the shadows and Mr. Fox quickly lied that he had been out investigating a possibly arson fire. Mrs. Fox asked Kylie if Mr. Fox was telling the truth, and Kylie refused to answer saying he didn’t want to get in the middle of that. Mrs. Fox then spotted Kristofferson wearing a bandit hat, and she told Mr. Fox that what she thought was happening better not be happening. The next night, Mr. Fox and Kylie went outside the house, and the three farmers starting shooting wildly at them. They barely hit their target and ended up shooting off Mr. Fox’s tail entirely. Mr. and Mrs. Fox discussed in bed how they wouldn’t be able to get as much money for the tree house as they put into it and how Mr. Fox wished he had listened to his lawyer and not bought the tree. They then heard a rattling sound and jumped up because the farmers were digging them out. Mrs. Fox said the humans would kill the fox children, and when Mr. Fox said over his dead body she replied that was what she was saying because he would be dead too in that scenario. The roof started crumbling above them, but they escaped by digging at super-speed down under the tree, and they were still underground one fox-hour later when Mrs. Fox decided to have a private conversation with her husband. She asked him why he lied to her after he promised he would get a different job, and he replied that he was a wild animal. Mrs. Fox said that the story was too predictable and in the end they would all die unless Mr. Fox changed his ways. The farmers rented tractors to keep digging, and the foxes camped out underground. Ash and Kristofferson had an argument where Kristofferson thought Ash was spreading rumors about his cousin having beagle ticks and pelt life because Ash didn’t want Kristofferson to go out with Agnes. Ash replied that Kristofferson should be more worried about what his Zen meditation sessions did for his reputation than whether or not he had beagle ticks. The farmers assembled all 108 members of their three combined work forces to starve out the foxes and then kill them. Three days (2 ½ fox-weeks) later, Badger and a group of animals appeared and said that they had been digging in circles for the past three days and it was the foxes’ fault that half the woods had been obliterated and nobody could get out of their homes because the farmers were digging everything up. Badger announced that the farmers wouldn’t stop until they had all the foxes nailed upside-down to a bloody stick with their eyes gorged out. Mr. Fox came up with a plan and told Mrs. Fox to go to the flint-mine refugee camp and tell Mrs. Badger that help was on the way. The remaining animals kept digging and eventually found themselves in Boggis’s large chicken coop. They took all the chickens and then went to the flint-mine. Mr. Fox did the dinner toast and told everybody that they beat the farmers and they were currently feasting on their chickens, turkey, and geese. The farmers then flooded apple cider through the tunnel and destroyed the flint-mine, washing the animals into the sewer. Ash returned from Bean’s house where he and Kristofferson attempted to steal back Mr. Fox’s tail (it turned out it wasn’t in the house but in fact around Bean’s neck as a necktie), but it went wrong and now Kristofferson was missing. Mr. Fox realized that he shouldn’t have gone back to his old ways of stealing chickens even though he enjoyed it, and now he suggested that he hand himself over to the farmers and let them kill him, stuff him and hang him over their mantelpiece in hopes they would let the other animals live. Mr. Fox went to give himself up while the other animals searched for Kristofferson. Rat then told them that the farmers had Kristofferson and they wanted to trade him for Mr. Fox because they thought Kristofferson was Mr. Fox’s son. Ash appeared and said that they got the wrong fox because Ash was Mr. Fox’s son. Rat captured Ash in a bag, but Mr. Fox heard Ash’s screams and came to the rescue. Rat ended up getting seriously electrocuted when he fought Mr. Fox, and Rat’s dying words were that Kristofferson was locked in an apple crate on top of a gun locker in the attic of Bean Annex. Rat said that all those years he had just been trying to get some of Bean’s cider that was rumored to taste like pure gold, and Mr. Fox gave Rat his first and last sip of the cider before he died. Mr. Fox agreed with Ash that Rat redeemed himself but added that in the end, he was just another dead rat in a garbage pail behind a Chinese restaurant. Mr. Fox then announced that his suicide mission was canceled and they were replacing it with a go-for-broke rescue mission that involved writing a letter to the farmers saying Mr. Fox agreed to their terms and would turn himself in in exchange for Kristofferson’s safe return. Bean said he didn’t trust Mr. Fox and told the others to set up the ambush. Kristofferson was still in the attic, and the farmers tried to trick Mr. Fox into thinking they had Kristofferson with them ready for the exchange by playing a recording of his voice. Mr. Fox recognized it was a recording, and he started throwing fiery pinecones up through the manhole (which was now open because the farmers moved the vehicle they had parked on top of the manhole to prevent the animals’ escape) so the buildings went up in flames. Mr. Fox climbed out of the manhole and took off on a motorcycle with Kylie and Ash (he stowed away) in the sidecar. The trio broke into the Bean Annex and encountered Spitz the beagle, but Kylie forgot the laced blueberries even though Fox wrote a reminder on Kylie’s hand. They suspected the white stuff around the dog’s mouth was from eating soap, but then they spotted a prescription drug bottle with medication to treat the dog’s chronic rabies. Ash and Kylie went to rescue Kristofferson while Mr. Fox tried to distract Spitz and ended up just barely escaping the red-eyed rabid dog. However, before the foursome could leave, the farmers and a bunch of armed men appeared at the entrance. Mr. Fox decided that he wasn’t leaving without his tail, which Bean currently had around his neck, because the tractors uprooted Mr. Fox’s tree, the posse hunted his family, the gunmen kidnapped his nephew, the rat insulted his wife, and the farmers shot off his tail. The animals hid behind crates as the men shot wildly at them, and then Ash decided to use the karate moves that Kristofferson taught him to chop the lock off the door and let out the rabid Spitz which went after the humans and even tore the fox tail necktie to shreds (but the foxes grabbed what was left of it and were able to turn it into a detachable tail for Mr. Fox). The four escaped on the motorcycle, and three days later, the news reported that the three obsessed farmers were still convinced the foxes would eventually reappear because they couldn’t live off of trash in the sewer forever. However, it turned out the Fox family could do just that because they discovered that one of the manholes led up into a Boggis, Bunce and Bean supermarket that closed early on weekends and had an endless supply of food. Mr. and Mrs. Fox discussed how Kristofferson’s dad was getting better and already considering buying real estate in the sewer system. Mrs. Fox announced that she was pregnant again, and Mr. Fox did another toast and everybody raised his or her juice boxes to survival. The characters in this movie constantly used the word “cuss,” an example being “what the cuss,” and “how the cuss,” (in place of the poss f-word). This movie had the following listed on the cover art: Steven Rea from The Philadelphia Inquirer “It’s the best animated film of the year, and maybe the best film, period.” The New York Observer “Pure fun. It’s a true marvel.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/1/23

TITLE: My Girl 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1991  Columbia Pictures/Brian Grazer Production/Imagine Films Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Madison, Pennsylvania in 1972 and began with an eleven-year-old girl named Vada Sultenfuss talking about how she was born jaundiced, and another time sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop where she caught hemorrhoids, and later on learned to live with a chicken bone lodged in her throat for three years. After all of that, Vada didn’t think her mortician dad, Harry, would be too shocked to hear her tell him her latest issue that her left breast was developing significantly faster than her right and it meant cancer and she was dying. Harry ignored Vada altogether and told her to get the mayo out of the fridge. A group of four boys (ages six and under) showed up at Vada’s house and paid Vada money so they could see a dead person in a casket in Harry’s funeral parlor. However, the casket was empty and Vada told the boys that sometimes the ghost walked around the house. She brought them to a room and pointed out the old woman sitting in a rocking chair that was moving whereas the tired old woman was not and appeared dead. That freaked the boys out and they ran home, and Vada then sat on her Gramoo’s lap (elder Gramoo still was starring off into space). Downstairs, Harry embalmed his high school teacher, Mr. Layton, and tried to ignore his daughter who came to bring him his cigarettes and talk to him from behind the wall. Out of the blue, stranger Shelly DeVoto then knocked on the door and Vada brought her into the house and called her dad, and Vada explained he was still working on Mr. Layton, a victim of prostate cancer. Shelly was a licensed cosmetician who had responded to the ad for a makeup artist job, and Harry told her that it wasn’t a beauty parlor, it was a funeral parlor and Shelly wouldn’t have to worry about putting the customers at ease with her good disposition because they were already dead. Shelly wasn’t happy about that because the ad didn’t mention dead people, but she quickly changed her mind and told Harry that she wanted the job because her former clients would eventually die and all his clients used to be alive, which was something they had in common. Harry told Shelly to start right away. Hypochondriac Vada went to Dr. Welty’s office claiming that she was sick, but he checked her out and told her she was perfectly healthy. Vada left saying she would get a second opinion. Back at home, Vada looked at a class picture where she was smiling over at her fifth-grade teacher Mr. Bixler, who had a heart around his face that Vada drew. While Vada, her friend Thomas J Sennett, and Shelly were sitting out on the front porch, a group of mean girls walked by singing the taunting kissing nursery rhyme about Vada and Thomas being in love and marrying and having a baby. Vada asked Shelly how she could earn money to go to the creative writing class over the summer that Mr. Bixler was teaching because Vada said she wanted to be a writer. Thomas said Vada just wanted to be around her sweetie pie the teacher. Vada played with her basketball in the house and her ball rolled down the stairs to the mortician office because Shelly left the door open. Vada quickly ran by the covered body on the table and retrieved her ball, but then she couldn’t get the jammed door open and started screaming and pounding on the door because Shelly had just closed it not knowing Vada was down there. Shelly heard Vada and rescued her. Later on, Shelly did Mrs. Porter’s makeup, and Harry wasn’t happy to see that Shelly strayed away from the picture he gave her to go by and said that the woman was Reverend Porter’s wife and Shelly’s makeup job had her looking like a two-dollar hooker. Shelly said she changed it a little because she didn’t want Mrs. Porter to look like an old schoolmarm. Harry replied that she was a schoolmarm and to fix it. Shelly tried to talk to Harry about Vada’s strange behavior she saw the other night with Vada laying on the floor and then pretending to die after saying she had prostate issues. Harry told Shelly not to give him advice about his perfectly happy daughter even though Shelly thought Vada was confused about death. Vada and Thomas later excitedly asked Shelly if they could look around her camper parked outside the house that she lived in, and Shelly gave them the royal tour. Thomas sat behind the wheel and said he was going to drive to Liverpool because he was a Beatles fan, and after he left to go home, Vada said she needed to use Shelly’s bathroom in the camper and told Shelly not to wait for her otherwise she would be late for work. However, instead of using the camper restroom, Shelly stole Vada’s cash savings out of the cookie jar where she hid it. In Mr. Bixler’s creative writing class, he quoted a Chinese philosopher and told his adult students to keep an open heart when listening to the writing of their classmates. Tween Vada appeared saying she wanted to join the class, and Mr. Bixler eventually agreed even though it was an adult class. Hippie chick Ronda in her half-shirt stood up and used her sexy acting voice to read her adult poem that she wrote about sex and drugs with little Vada sitting close by. Vada read her ice cream poem, and Mr. Bixler replied that the rhyming was okay, but it wasn’t what he was looking for and he wanted something more about desire and fears. In Vada’s head, she was afraid she killed her mother. While Vada and Thomas were out fishing, Thomas caught a little fish but didn’t want to touch it and put it back in the water. He put his foot on it to take the hook out of its mouth, but Vada was afraid he was going to kill the fish. She ended up pricking her finger and it started bleeding when she took out the fishhook and put the fish in the water. She asked Thomas if the fish got away, and he lied that it did when it was floated dead on the surface. Vada told Thomas that they couldn’t leave until they became blood brothers for life, and so he picked at the mosquito bite on his arm to make it bleed and Vada rubbed her bloody finger on his wound. Harry later invited Shelly to bingo night at church, and Vada noticed Shelly putting lipstick on and said she thought lipstick looked fake because nobody’s lips were that color. Shelly then called Vada into the bathroom and gave her a makeover so she could impress the boys at school who didn’t think she was pretty. Shelly said the first rule to applying eye makeup was that you could never have enough blue eyeshadow (like what she put on Mrs. Porter), so she put that and lipstick on Vada. Shelly went on to explain that she was working on getting to Hollywood to do makeup for the movie stars. Vada walked sexy out the door to Thomas, where she laid down on the porch step and he immediately asked what she did to her eyes and if her lip was bleeding. She replied that a girl could never wear enough eyeshadow, and then they went out to the garage to get Vada’s bike. She showed him Gramoo’s phrenology chart, and she decided to do the test on Thomas by feeling his head for bumps and then referencing the chart to determine whether or not he had a good personality. Vada announced that Thomas had no personality, and then they looked at an old picture of Harry with Vada’s deceased mom who Gramoo said was in heaven. Vada thought that everybody in heaven got a white winged horse that they rode around on eating marshmallows all day. On bingo night, Harry’s older brother, Phil, barged into Harry’s room and demanded to know what he was getting dressed up for. Harry admitted that he was going on a date with Shelly and he was nervous because his late date was twenty years ago, and Phil decided to fill Harry in on today’s woman. He said that since Harry last dated, the sexual revolution happened so men no longer had to politely hold the door open or pull out a chair for women. He added that bras were now missing as well and the women’s lib thing was in, so Harry needed to treat Shelly like every Tom, Dick and Harry, and Phil ought to know because he was a womanizer. Harry told Vada that she should stay home with Gramoo while he went to bingo, but after he left the house Vada went to Thomas’s house where he was watching TV with his parents. Vada stood outside the window and signaled for Thomas to come outside, and he said he would get in trouble for going to bingo night with her but agreed after she called him a pacifist and bed wetter. Vada and Thomas spied on Harry and Shelly through the church window, and just as they were about to kiss Vada shouted bingo in a deep voice and that interrupted them. That led to two men getting in a fight (inside the church) because the one didn’t understand how someone from outside could have won, and the other man called him a moron and said that it was someone from outside who yelled bingo and nobody actually won. Harry broke up the fight, and Vada and Thomas ran off. Later that night, Vada watched from her bedroom window as Shelly invited Harry into her camper. Shelly pointed out that Harry hadn’t opened any doors for her that night, and he replied it was because he followed Phil’s advice on dating 70s women. He went on to explain that he was out of touch because he hadn’t dated since his wife died of complications two days after giving birth to Vada. Harry and Shelly then slow-danced in the very small camper and kissed. At the next writing class, the students sat on the floor in a circle holding hands and Ronda and Justin led them in the group meditation and gave them Zen advice to send out their vibe to the others and receive those people’s vibes at the same time. When Vada was asked what she felt, she replied that she felt Justin’s hangnail. He said the hangnail was insignificant and the whole idea was for Vada to feel Justin’s aura, and everybody joined hands again. Vada in her head thought about how Gramoo once had a not-so-insignificant hangnail on her big toe that got infected and traveled to her vocal chords, ruining her singing voice. While Harry and Vada were at the grocery store buying things for the upcoming 4th of July picnic, they ran into Shelly who was also shopping. Harry wasn’t paying attention to Vada and told her to put anything she wanted in her cart, so she started angrily throwing cans at random into the cart and thought about how she used to like playing with her Ken and Barbie dolls until she got a toy camper for Christmas. All the dolls wanted to do was hang out by themselves in the camper, so Vada wasn’t too upset when they took a “wrong turn,” and went over a cliff. At the picnic, Danny and his brother Ralph from the Dino Raphael Salon in Detroit where Shelly used to work showed up in their Mustang. Danny was Shelly’s ex-husband, and they were supposed to split everything but Shelly didn’t split the camper with Danny and he argued that she owed him half of it and took out a copy of what he thought was the property settlement but was actually his lease. Harry then told Danny, speaking to him as Harry would a client who just lost a loved one, to focus on the times he had with the camper that would live on in his heart forever. Danny asked Shelly if Harry was boinking her, and Harry punched Danny hard in the stomach. Harry threatened that if Danny ever tried to take Shelly’s camper again, Harry would bury Danny in the front yard. That night, everyone watched the fireworks and Vada told Phil that Harry must like Shelly because otherwise he wouldn’t have hit Danny. Phil agreed and said that Harry probably loved Shelly, and Phil added that he liked Shelly too and thought she was very good for Harry because he was sad all the time after his wife died, but now he was back to his old self with Shelly around. Vada in her head thought about how her uncle Phil fought in the Korean War and didn’t come back the same after he had a steel plate put in his head. One night, Phil picked up a radio station from Oklahoma in his teeth. Vada returned to the doctor’s office trying to convince Dr. Welty that she had a chicken bone stuck in her throat but of course there was nothing there. Outside the room, the receptionist was showed Thomas how to use a syringe as a water gun. She asked Thomas if Vada ever told him why she went to the doctor so much, and he replied that she said she was dying but he didn’t believe it and thought she only did it so she wouldn’t be scared of the dead people in her house. He and Vada chased each other with their water syringes out into the woods, where they found a beehive. Thomas, allergic to many things, convinced Vada to help him throw rocks and knock the beehive down, and while Vada searched for her mood ring that she lost on the ground, Thomas noticed that the bees were alive so the two kids ran to the lake where they jumped into the water to escape the bees. When Vada got home, Harry told her that they were going to the carnival that night, and Vada was happy about that until she heard that Shelly was coming. Vada later told Shelly that her favorite ride was the freak ride. Shelly warned Vada to be careful when eating carnival food because her cousins ate hot dogs at the carnival one time and they had with nephritis the next day. Vada replied that nephritis was a kidney disease and you couldn’t get it from hot dogs, and Shelly argued that all she knew was the next day her cousins had high fevers and their faces got fat and they were featured in the “Popular Science,” (first she said “Popular Mechanics,” but then corrected herself) magazine because it baffled medical science. After Vada won a goldfish at one of the games, she noticed that Shelly was wearing a ring on her left ring finger and Vada wanted to know if Shelly won it. It turned out it was an engagement ring, and Harry sat down and told Vada the “good news,” that he and Shelly were getting married. Vada dramatically dropped her bagged fish on the ground, not because she was shocked, but because she was mad. The bag didn’t break, so Vada picked up the bagged fish and ignored Harry when he told her that the wedding was at the end of the summer. Shelly asked Vada if she wanted another fish, to which Vada replied that fish were resilient and her new one would be fine and she didn’t want a replacement fish, with the underlying message being she didn’t want a replacement for the mom she never knew because she liked all the attention for herself. Shelly wanted Harry to ride the bumper cars with her, but when he said he would fall asleep at the wheel Vada quickly offered to go with Shelly. Vada purposefully went after Shelly and hit her multiple times not in fun, but in a mean way while glaring hatefully. The next day, Vada knocked on Thomas’s door and asked him if she wanted to go bike riding with her. Outside, Vada told Thomas that she was running away to Hollywood to live with the Brady Bunch, and when Thomas said he wanted to live with them too, Vada replied that they had enough kids and Thomas would have to live with the Partridge Family. They rode their bicycles into the woods, but along the way Thomas stopped and decided he was tired of running away, not to mention they were going in circles. Vada told Thomas that Harry gave Shelly an engagement ring, and that Vada was running away because she didn’t want Shelly to be her mom and thought her dad liked Shelly more than he liked his daughter. Later that evening, Thomas decided he was going to go home for dinner so he wouldn’t get in trouble, and Vada went home too after a while. In Vada’s head she thought about how she learned in social studies that the Lindbergh baby was stolen right out of his house, and Vada decided she was going to sleep with her window open that night. The next morning, Vada ran downstairs screaming for her dad, but Shelly stopped her along the way and told her that Harry wasn’t home. Vada said she was hemorrhaging and didn’t want to talk to Shelly about it, but Shelly asked her age and then took her upstairs because they had to talk about menstrual cycles. Thomas showed up at the door and wanted to go swimming with Vada, but she pushed him hard and he fell backward on the porch. Vada told him not to come back for five to seven days and slammed the door behind her as she went back into the house. While a funeral service took place in the house, Vada left Gramoo to go to the bathroom but she heard giggling from another room and spotted Shelly and Harry kissing. Gramoo got up, walked into the service and took a red rose from the top of the casket and starting singing a song that was not appropriate for a funeral. Harry and Shelly came running and escorted Gramoo out of the room and then went to find Vada because it was her responsibility to watch Gramoo and the funeral attendees were very upset by Gramoo’s actions. Another day, Vada told Thomas that she was going to marry Mr. Bixler, and Thomas joked that it was against the law to marry a teacher because he would give Vada all A’s and it wouldn’t be fair. Vada asked Thomas if he ever kissed anyone, and when he replied no Vada said they should kiss like in the movies to see what the big deal was. She showed him how to practice kissing his arm, and then she told him to close his eyes and she gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Afterwards, Vada told Thomas to say something because it was too quiet, so they stood up, put their right hands over their hearts, and recited the Pledge of Allegiance. On the way back home, Vada and Thomas agreed they wouldn’t tell anyone about their tween kiss and then they did a spit shake. Thomas asked Vada to consider him if she didn’t get to marry Mr. Bixler, and she replied she would. Because of the kiss, Thomas decided to go into the woods and find his new girlfriend’s lost mood ring, and just as he found it, he was swarmed by hundreds of bees from the beehive nearby that he forgot about. The next morning, a police officer appeared at Harry’s door and spoke to him, and Harry went upstairs to tell Vada that young Thomas stepped on a beehive the previous night and died because he was allergic to bees and was stung multiple times. Vada ran to the doctor’s office and told him that she was suffocating and the bee sting hurt and she couldn’t breathe. She locked herself in her bedroom and wouldn’t come out, so Shelly left food outside her door. One of Vada’s classmates, Judy, came to the front door hoping to tell Vada she was sorry about Thomas. Shelly replied that Vada was very upset and wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment, but she agreed to tell Vada that Judy came by. Vada wouldn’t come out for Thomas’s funeral service, and Shelly went into Harry’s office and told him to stop hiding. She explained that at first, she wasn’t thrilled about having a job with dead people, but when she saw there was a family living at that house she realized that even though she didn’t have a family, she could work with Harry’s. Shelly told Harry that life wasn’t just death and not to get caught up his work and ignore the living, especially his daughter. Reverend Moss began the service to honor Thomas James Sennett, born May 7, 1961. Vada listened from the top of the stairs as the reverend said he didn’t know why God took little Thomas away from them, but he did know that God chose Thomas for a very special reason. Vada came into the room as Reverend Moss talked about Jesus and the little children, and Vada went over to Thomas’s body in the open casket and began hysterically crying because she was concerned that his face hurt from the bee stings and he couldn’t see without his glasses. Harry and Shelly pulled Vada away. Vada ran out the door to Mr. Bixler’s house and professed her love to her teachertelling him that she loved him like her dad loved Shelly. Vada wanted to live at her teacher’s house, but he replied that Shelly’s dad would miss her. Mr. Bixler’s fiancée, Suzanne, appeared, and that upset Vada even more and she ran off. The police were called in to search for Vada, but they couldn’t find her and by nightfall an officer came to the door and told Shelly they would keep looking. Shelly started arguing with the police officer, and then Vada came in the door behind the officer. Upstairs in Vada’s room, Shelly brushed Vada’s hair before bed and Vada admitted that she stole money from Shelly’s cookie jar to pay for the writing class. Vada said she didn’t think she would ever go to that class again and would pay Shelly back, but Shelly replied that she would forget all about the stolen money if Vada dedicated her first book to Shelly. Vada promised she would. Harry came home from searching for Vada, and Shelly told him Vada was already home and Harry went into the room to give his sleeping daughter a kiss. Vada was actually awake, and she told Harry that the bees killed Thomas and she killed her mom. Harry told Vada that wasn’t her fault and it just happened, and she showed him the picture she found in the garage of Harry and his wife. Harry and Vada had a heart-to-heart, and Harry said he would always think of his wife when he saw a pretty flower or a beautiful sunset she would have liked, and Vada replied that whenever she saw a climbing tree she would think of Thomas. The next day, Susan (mom of Thomas), went to see Harry and told him how much she missed Thomas and asked if Vada was okay. Harry called Vada outside, and Susan gave Vada her mood ring that Thomas was carrying when his body was found. Vada promised that she would still come by and visit Susan. Mr. Bixler’s advice to his students in the last class was to be a thunderstorm, which meant he wanted them to be dangerous and unpredictable and make a lot of noise. Vada then walked into the room and said she came to read her poem to the class honoring Thomas. Vada said that things were better these days because she finally swallowed that chicken bone, she and Judy would be in the same homeroom, and the Republican Party just renominated Nixon.  On a 17 million budget, this film grossed over 121 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/31/23

TITLE: Running Free

BOX OFFICE RATED: G

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000 Columbia Pictures/Reperage Production/Moonlighting Films/Sony Pictures Releasing

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie takes place in 1914, at the time when horses were sent from Germany to South Africa to work in the copper mines. An Arabian mare gave birth to a foal named Lucky during the hard journey when the horses were crammed into confined living spaces on the dark lower level of the ship. When they neared land, the horse trafficking humans forced the horses to swim to land. Very young Lucky lagged behind, and by the time he made it to the shore, his mother and the other horses were already boarded on a train headed for the mines. Lucky was then caught after he barely made it to shore and was boarded in a train car separate from his mom, and later fell ill during the train ride. They arrived at the Namibian desert town, where all the horses were turned into workhorses except for Lucky, who was left lying in the boxcar sick. A young orphan boy named Richard, assigned to work in the stables, discovered little Lucky and gave him water and helped the malnourished one get back on his feet and out of the boxcar. Richard brought Lucky to the mine boss’s stable, where Richard worked tending to the boss’s horses. The boss’s very large Friesian stallion, Caesar, did not welcome Lucky kindly. Richard slept in Lucky’s stall. The boss wasn’t pleased to see the disadvantaged foal, Lucky, in the same stable as his pedigree horses, but little Richard was able to convince the boss to let Lucky stay there for a short while. Richard introduced Lucky to Caesar’s daughter, Beauty, but Caesar didn’t like that and continued making threats to Lucky, and made it crystal clear he would hurt Lucky if Lucky came near Beauty again. The boss was informed by an official that he should cancel the plans he had for improving the town because war was coming to Africa and it was likely the enemy would attack the town and bomb the tracks, leaving the boss stranded. The officer gave the boss an order to evacuate if an attack did occur. One day, Lucky heard his mom neighing to him in the distance, and they communicated back and forth. The spirited Arabian mare broke free from the men trying to harness her and galloped away to find her son. However, mare and foal were only reunited for a few moments before Caesar, infuriated by the mare’s presence, chased her around the corral. The two horses started fighting, and the mare went down and Caesar was taken back to his stall by hired help. That seemed to break the mare’s spirit, and she was led away injured without putting up a fight. Later that night, Lucky left the stable and went in search of his mom. He found her in a very weak state and stayed by her side the entire night, but she didn’t survive. Lucky ran out into the desert, but he was bit by a snake so he limped back to the stable, where Richard took some of Caesar’s medicine out of the cabinet to treat the bite. However, the boss’s young son had been spying on Richard and told his dad what the stable boy was up to, and the boss wasn’t happy to hear that and took his anger out on Richard. Richard and Lucky decided they couldn’t stay in that place and escaped into the desert, where a Bushman girl named Nyka discovered them. She made an herbal poultice for Lucky’s snakebite, and she and Richard hung out and made a campfire for the night. The next morning, the trio spotted war planes overhead, and they followed them and witnessed the planes dropping bombs on the town. Richard hurried to let the boss’s horses out of their stalls so they could run to safety. One man caught Caesar and brought him to the boss, but he said they had no room for a horse and to let Caesar go free. The inhabitants of the town boarded a train to escape the danger, and Richard was dragged onto the train away from his friend Lucky despite his protests that he couldn’t leave the foal. Lucky was left behind, as were all the horses who had forgotten how to be wild and didn’t know what to do now that they were abandoned by the humans that brought them there. They couldn’t get to the water reservoir in town because the wall was too high, so Lucky led them to the boss’s private water supply. However, Caesar then appeared and bullied all the horses away and wouldn’t let them keeping drinking water. Nyka wandered around the deserted town and found Lucky, and she brought him to her tribe. The tied up Cheetah that the boss had for a pet, by now had broke loose and wandered around the deserted buildings too. There was a scene where young African tribal girl Nyka sat with her chest exposed, which made you wonder at first glance if she was a boy or girl. The young African tribal boys wore loincloths that covered their front area but exposed their bare bottoms. Lucky decided that he didn’t belong in the tribe and set out into an unknown world. One day he encountered two lion cubs and thought it was strange that they were alone, and then mama lion appeared and chased Lucky. Lucky was saved when an oryx antelope got inbetween him and the lioness, which scared the big cat away. Lucky and the oryx traveled together until the oryx found a female and left with her, leaving Lucky alone again. Lucky eventually found the legendary lake in the mountains where he drank water, and because he wished to bring his true love Beauty and the other horses there, he decided that he would return to the town and challenge Caesar when he was a full-grown stallion. Lucky did just that and went back to the town, which at first appeared to be empty but Lucky discovered that Beauty and several other horses were still living at the boss’s stable. Beauty and Lucky were very happy to see each other, but none of the horses could leave because Caesar was still there. Caesar and Lucky fought, and Lucky got the better of elder Caesar. Lucky temporarily drove old Caesar away from the town instead of hurting or killing him, so the remaining horses could follow Lucky and Beauty out into the mountains to freedom. Twelve years later, Richard found the town completely abandoned and went by plane into the vast desert mountains. Richard tracked Lucky’s foal to find the rest of the herd. Lucky would do anything to defend his family, so he charged this stranger because he didn’t recognize him as Richard. Richard then whistled, and Lucky remembered that whistle and recognized his boy, now a man. Richard explained that he never forgot Lucky and only came back to make sure Lucky was all right. Richard then found that orphan Lucky had survived as did orphan Richard. That was how the story of Lucky and his herd came to live wild and free in the desert mountains of Africa, with the herd’s own private lake. This movie is Family Approved by The Dove Foundation. Jeff Craig from Sixty Second Preview gave it four stars and stated “…Marvelous…a compelling survival adventure.” Kevin Thomas from the Los Angeles Times said, “(This) sweeping family adventure is…beautiful.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/30/23

TITLE: Juno

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007  Fox Searchlight Pictures / Mandate Pictures / Mr. Mudd

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie takes place in Elk River, Minnesota. It began with sixteen year old female teen Juno MacGuff was swigging Sunny D from a jug reflecting back to the chair she was now staring at when she was inside her house and she took off her underwear and walked to a male sitting naked in that chair, where he said he wanted that for a long time. The small-town male shopkeeper was aware of Juno’s pregnancy because she went into his store for the third time that day to take another test. Juno used the store’s bathroom to do that and after she was done she was told she had to pay for it because it wasn’t free even though she marked it with her urine. Another local girl was there and told Juno that if her nipples were brown she was pregnant. On screen it showed Juno on the toilet peeing onto the stick. Using the Lord’s name in vain, Juno came out of the bathroom and told the adult male behind the counter that it little unholy pink plus sign. Underage Juno threw the stick in the garbage and walked home. She threw her licorice stick over the tree branch outside her house and put a noose on it and put her head in it acting as if she was going to hang herself but then decided to chew the licorice apart and went inside to her Buddha light switch. The first thing Juno did in her weird baby doll bedroom with no clothes on them was call her BFF, Leah, (Leah in her cheerleader outfit with a possible crowned Prince Charles poster on her wall in her room) using her hamburger phone and told Leah that she was pregnant with Bleeker’s kid. Her friend tried to dismiss it as something to do with her diet that maybe gave her a positive result. Her friend asked if she would go to Havenbrook or Women Now and that she needed a note to do so from her parents. Juno said she would go to Women Now and get checked out and needed help from her friend moving the chair she had sex in off the lawn and into the back of the SUV (still no parents around). Juno told Leah that she had decided a year ago in Spanish class that she was going to have sex with Bleeker. Juno told her friend that it was magnificent humping Bleeker’s bony bod. As Bleeker got dressed in his Dancing Elk track attire, he went outside his house to find Juno sitting in the recliner they had sex in on the front lawn with a tiger rug at her feet that she stole from Miss Ransick’s lawn. The teens discussed the pregnancy briefly and Juno kind of joked that she was going to nip it in the bud before it got worse and was disappointed when Bleeker told her to do what she had to do. Juno put her smoking pipe in her mouth and told Bleeker she was sorry she had sex with him and rode off to school on her bicycle. By her locker, Juno dropped some papers and a jock insulted her as he walked by and she pointed out that he secretly liked her despite that, just as Leah, the underage teen cheerleader, secretly liked teachers as she in her short skirt spoke to an adult male teacher at that exact moment. In science class, as Juno and Bleek and their male and female partners (foursome) spoke about their group school project, it really wasn’t anything to do with the assignment but more so about the other male and female arguing over boyfriend and girlfriend stuff and menstrual problems. Later that evening, Juno without her mom and dad knowing, found a pregnancy hotline in a magazine and decided to call Women Now. Juno told the Women Now employee that she was sixteen years old and she needed an abortion and it was about two months and four days since she had sex. She got distracted when the question popped up how long she had been sexually active by remembering a class at school with a female teacher putting a condom on a banana to demonstrate protective sex, the chalkboard in the background listed birds and bees words. Later that night, Juno’s dad, Mac, described how he had to put on his Hazmat suit for work. He used to be in the army but now he was an average H-VAC specialist. Mac and Juno’s birth mom got divorced when Juno was five. The birth female lived on a Havasu reservation in Arizona with her new husband and three replacement kids. Juno wasn’t happy that the birth parent mailed her a cactus every year for Valentine’s Day and sarcastically thanked her “no mom” a heap and called her coyote ugly because the cactus-gram was worse than her abandonment. Out of control Juno went on to describe her stepmom (actual mom raising Juno) Brenda (Bren), and how she owned a nail salon and always smelled like methyl and was obsessed with dogs. At the dinner table, Bren asked her daughter if she barfed in Bren’s urn by the door, which Juno did and lied to her mom that she would never do that and instead blamed it on her younger sister, LB (Liberty Bell). As Juno arrived at the Women Now clinic, there was a young teen female, Su-Chin, Juno’s classmate outside picketing. Su-Chin repeated the words, “All babies want to get borned.” Juno spoke about a paper that Su-Chin was supposed to write and was having trouble sleeping, so Juno tried to tell Su-Chin she would sell her some of her Adderall, but the Su-Chin declined and said she was off pills now. Juno mentioned the time a female took too many behavioral pills and jumped naked into the fountain at Ridgedale mall screaming about the Kraken. Su-Chin told Juno that that person was Juno so Juno walked away knowing the truth behind that. Su-Chin yelled after Juno that the baby probably had a beating heart and fingernails, but Juno went into the clinic anyway, where a young teen punk-rock female with piercings and blue-dyed hair sat behind the desk. The abortion clinic employee gave teen Juno MacGuff the standard greeting of put your hands where they can be seen and surrender any bombs. The desk worker tried to give Juno a free condom and bragged about her boyfriend using them every time because they smelled like pie, but Juno declined it and said she was off sex for now. As she filled out the paperwork in the waiting room, Juno became distracted and overwhelmed by all the people around her making loud tapping, scratching, and scraping sounds that really bothered Juno. Juno ran out of the clinic and Su-Chin yelled after her that God appreciated her miracle. Juno ran to Leah’s house and Leah couldn’t believe Juno was already done because Leah was supposed to pick her up from the clinic at four. Juno told Leah that she couldn’t go through with the abortion. Juno told Leah that she was going to stay pregnant and Leah freaked out and told Juno to keep her voice down because Leah’s mom had no idea the teens were sexually active. Juno went on to say that she could have the baby and then give it to someone who needed it, like someone who couldn’t have children or a couple of lesbos. Leah tried to talk Juno out of it because she would get fat. Leah told Juno to look at the adoption ads, such as “Desperately seeking spawn” in PennySaver because Leah saw them all the time there. Together, the two teens looked at the ads, where Juno didn’t want to give some family a baby that described themselves wholesome but would rather give the child to a graphic designer in their mid 30s like a rocker with a cool Asian girlfriend who dressed awesome and rocked out on the bass guitar. Juno then spotted a picture in the paper of a couple of Mark and Vanessa Loring. Meanwhile, Paul (Bleeker) held Juno’s cherry underwear in his hand and on his bed as he stared at his yearbook where Juno wrote a comment beside her picture. Paul’s mom knocked on the door and asked if he was going to come downstairs for dinner. Paul didn’t want anything to eat and his mom said that Juno called while he was out running earlier and added that she thought Juno was different and she didn’t have a good vibe about that girl. Later on, Juno had her parents sit down with Leah present so she could break the news to them. The parents were concerned because Juno was taking so long to tell them and wondered if she got expelled from school or if she was in legal trouble or needed a large amount of money. Leah told her friend to just spit it out, so Juno told her parents that she was pregnant and she was going to keep the child and give it to the adoptive couple she chose who would pay for the medical expenses and in thirty odd weeks they could pretend it never happened. Juno’s parents were in shock since they didn’t even know she was sexually active. Juno played the sympathy card and said she hadn’t been able to take a crap for many days. Mac asked who the kid father was (Leah would have had a harder time explaining her pregnancy to her parents because it would have been an adult teacher father), and she replied that Paulie Bleeker was the baby daddy. Mac commented that he didn’t think Paul had it in him and Leah laughed and agreed. Teen Juno said she wasn’t ready to be a mom and had planned to meet with the potential adoptive parents the following weekend. Juno stated she was not ready to be a mom at such a young age and her dad added that Juno couldn’t even take care of her younger sister and forgot to give Liberty Bell her breathing medication one time and her younger sister almost died. Her mom asked Juno if she had considered the alternative, abortion, and again Juno lied that she hadn’t. Mom called June bug a little Viking and started taking charge and told Juno that she needed to get on prenatal vitamins to help Juno and the baby growing inside Juno be healthy and setup a doctor’s appointment and also helped figure out what hospital Juno was going to deliver at. Dad said he was going with his daughter to meet the adoption couple from the PennySaver because Juno was just a kid and he didn’t want her to be taken advantage of by a couple of baby-starved wing nuts. Juno and Leah went upstairs to Juno’s room while Juno’s parents discussed it further. Mac confided that he wasn’t ready to be a Pop Pop, and Bren said that kids just had intercourse because they were bored and that their daughter was dumb about it. Bren went on to say that somebody else was going to find a precious blessing from Jesus in that garbage dump of a situation. They talked about the thoughts running through their heads and how they both had hoped Juno’s news was not being expelled from school, or her taking hard drugs, or with a DWI versus being pregnant. Mac added that he was going to punch Paul in the private parts when he saw him next time, and Bren corrected Mac not to because the sex was clearly Juno’s idea and certainly not Paul’s. This as Mac sat in that same chair where the two teens had sex, which got Juno in that situation in the first place. The hopeful adoptive parents meticulously dressed themselves and cleaned their large house in a high-dollar suburb before Juno and Mac arrived for their meet-and-greet. Vanessa and Mark Loring welcomed Juno and Mac into their home and introduced them to Gerta Rauss, their attorney. Vanessa was surprised to learn from Juno that they found her ad in the PennySaver. After Juno told them she was a junior in high school, she said she went to the doctor with her mom and found out she was twelve weeks along in her pregnancy and she was in her second trimester and due on May 4th. Juno didn’t want anything to do with the open adoption and wanted to be done with it as soon as the baby came out and walk away with a clean start and do it old school and send the baby their way like Moses in the reeds. They all agreed that a traditional closed adoption would be best for all involved. Vanessa asked if, other than medical expenses, if Juno expected additional compensation for the baby. Juno replied that she didn’t want to sell the baby; she just wanted to go to a good home with loving parents. Vanessa said she wanted a baby ever since she and Mark were married and she felt like she was born to be a mom whereas Mark wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as his wife and said he looked forward to being a soccer dad and raising the child. Juno asked to use the restroom, and when she got there she played around with the cosmetics and perfumes around the sink versus using the toilet. Mark went upstairs to check on Juno, and Juno noticed on her way down that Mark had his own room of recording studio stuff so the two hung out in that room and discussed Mark’s music career and the best year of rock and roll. Downstairs, as they talked about exercise equipment they heard music and Mark singing from upstairs. Vanessa decided to go check it out and told them both that they had a lot of stuff to do downstairs paperwork-wise, so Mark and Juno left the jam session to go sign documents. As they left, Juno told Vannesa and Mark that she was 104% sure that she was going to go through with them being the adoptive couple, which made everybody very happy and Juno promised to keep them apprised of doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds as the baby grew. In the winter, as Paul and his track teammate were jogging, a teammate spoke to Paul about how Juno was pregnant and Paul confirmed that the child was his but he didn’t know too much about it. Vijay jogged off saying that he was going to stop wearing underpants so he could increase his sperm count. At the school, visibly pregnant, Juno went to the office to get something signed, and the older lady noticed Juno’s teen pregnancy for the first time and was not pleased that the young female pranced around as though not a big deal and tried to make it the cool thing for students to copy. Right afterwards, Juno and Paul spoke where he wanted to take Juno to see a movie about some guy who had eighteen kids, but she said she couldn’t because she had an ultrasound so she said she would drop by later to see him. At the ultrasound appointment, Juno, Bren, and Leah saw the baby that the nurse showed them. The nurse asked if Juno wanted to know the sex of the baby, but Juno replied she didn’t want to know the gender because she wanted to save that for the adoptive parents to be surprised at birth. The nurse replied thank goodness for that, and Bren asked the staff member what she meant by that comment, to which the lady replied that she saw a lot of teenage pregnancies and the poisonous environment that the kids were delivered into. Bren went off on the tech and told her that they both had a trade and that Bren’s five-year-old special daughter could read pictures like the technician could, so she had nothing on them and to basically go back to Manteno and learn a real trade. Out of the blue one day and unannounced, Juno showed up at the Loring house where Vanessa was working late so Mark invited Juno in because Juno wanted to show him the ultrasound pictures. Mark told Juno that he worked mostly from home because he was a composer for commercials. The two bonded after the ultrasound was out of the way, and they discussed rock music that Mark wanted his child to listen to before he entered the world so he was going to make a CD for Juno. They also talked about their favorite horror movies, and they didn’t agree on which was the best so Mark put in one of the bloody movies, The Wizard of Gore, and they both watched it together, which Juno said was even better than Suspiria. They discussed baby names, where Vanessa liked Madison for a girl, but Juno thought it was too gay of a name for a child. Mark called her out on her name, so she explained that her dad had a huge obsession with Greek and Roman mythology so he named his daughter after Zeus’s wife (really Jupiter’s). She explained that Juno was Zeus’s only wife and was really beautiful and really mean like Diana Ross, and Mark responded that name suited the sixteen-year-old sitting next to him on the couch soon to have his baby. Mark quickly shut off the slasher movie and told Juno she had better leave quick because he heard the garage door open and Vanessa was home and she didn’t like Mark slacking off when she was working overtime. Juno jumped up and defused the Vanessa situation by instantly showing Vanessa the ultrasound picture telling Vanessa about the doctor visit that day with the questionable technician. Vanessa showed both of them the roomful of stuff that she picked up for the baby that was mall madness. Juno told Mark and Vanessa about her mom and her little sister’s baby shower and how her mom got a million gifts then and Juno couldn’t understand why Vanessa wasn’t having a baby shower. She replied that they went through a similar situation before and it didn’t work out because the pregnant female had cold feet and backed out so they doubted that anyone would throw them another shower. Juno jumped up and said they should have gone to China because they gave away babies there like free iPods. She told the adoptive parents that her parents weren’t too concerned about her because she was already pregnant and there wasn’t really any other kind of trouble she could get into. Teen Juno arrived home late and told her mom, who waited up, that she had driven to St. Cloud to show Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound. Bren asked why Juno didn’t mail the pictures versus drive out to East Jesus Nowhere to show the couple in person that was an hour away in the winter weather. Disrespectful Juno then called her mom by her first name and told her she didn’t know anything about Juno after Bren said there were marriage boundaries and Juno didn’t need to be intruding on the adoptive couple’s marriage uninvited and Juno wouldn’t know that because she wasn’t married. Juno pointed out that Bren sat there cutting out pictures of dogs when they didn’t have dog in their life. Bren replied that was because Juno was somewhat allergic to animals and Bren sacrificed her love of them for Juno and that was the reason why they didn’t have a family four-legged, and added that in a couple of years when Juno moved out, Bren was going to have Weimaraners. Juno dumped her big slushie drink into the urn next to the door because that’s what she puked in to hate on her mom for something else that Juno didn’t like in her life at the time but took out on her mom. Juno then showed up at Paul’s house and thought that Paul’s mom was attractive once but now looked like a hobbit (like the fat one in the Goonies). Juno raced up the stairs in front of Paul’s mom and entered Paul’s bedroom and slammed the door behind her leaving the mom alone in the hallway. Paul’s vice was orange Tic-Tac’s per Juno. Juno explained to Paul then (after being pregnant for many weeks) that the teen had it worked out where a male and female married couple from St. Cloud would adopt the child growing inside her. Juno told him that Mark was awesome and super cool because he liked horror movies and played guitar and hung out one afternoon and Paul didn’t think it was normal for Juno to be interacting with the adult male like that while his wife was away. Juno then told Paul that she spoke to her dad and mom and neither would rat Paul out to his parents for being the dad of the baby she carried and believed they, both her and Paul, would be OK. Teen Paul was relieved. Paul told Juno he thought her beautiful and his opinion would not change when she gets pregnant fat. Paul added that once the baby is out of the way they ought to get their punk rock band back together and Juno agreed. Paul then added that Juno and him could get back together again then too. Juno tried to convince Paul to go out with Katrina but he said she and her house smelled like soup. Meanwhile, Mark and Vanessa picked out yellowish gender-neutral color paint for the baby’s room for now and once they figured out the sex they could determine a more decisive palette. Mark said yellow is not gender neutral and knew no guy with a yellow bedroom and she suggested custard. Vanessa then quoted the book, “What To Expect,” where it said decorating the baby’s room prior to the arrival was very important for women, especially if the parents adopted GOD’s child. Vanessa englighted her husband on the term as it was called, “nesting.” Vanessa said she flagged the daddy portion of the book and suggested her husband read it but he responded it was too early to paint the room. His wife disagreed. Mark was totally not into having the child as much as Vanessa and wasn’t as excited as Vanessa to say the least (Mark acted more like Juno and just wanted to be done with the whole thing). Another day in the mall, Leah and Juno spotted Vanessa playing with a small child and Leah commented how pretty Vanessa was and that she would totally steal the young child she was with for her collection. As Juno watched Vancessa and the little girl playing in the play area, Juno starred and smiled at how wonderful Vanessa was with children. Shortly afterward as the teens discussed Juno’s large appetite, they bumped into Vanessa. Vanessa told them she was shopping with her girlfriends and Leah asked Vanessa if she were gay. Vanessa replied no. Juno silenced Leah for her horrible behavior. Then, Juno told Vanessa how much the baby kicked and let Vanessa touch her stomach and feel for herself by pulling up her shirt inside the mall and placing Vanessa hand’s on her belly. Vanessa said she couldn’t feel anything after Juno said the baby kicks all the time. Juno suggested Vanessa try to talk to the baby then. The underage teen then had adult Vanessa put her hands on her stomach as she knelt down to be eye level with the baby and started talking to the unborn in front all the shoppers walking by inside the mall. So then, the baby kicked and Vanessa thanked Juno for letting her feel him. In Spring, mama Bren tailored Juno’s clothes to adjust for her very large stomach.  One day, Juno wore a t-shirt to school showing off her large belly, “Slinky, it’s fun for a girl and a boy,” the other students stared and cleared the path for the very proud Juno. From a payphone inside the school, Juno called Mark and discussed the cd of the rock songs he gave her that Juno called cute because she was used to the “raw power of Iggy and The Stooges.” They seemed to be overly friendly on the phone and Juno hung up by telling Mark to stop surfing the net for porn and get back to work. Mark told Juno to go learn something. In the cafeteria line, Juno told bestie Leah that she was eating a lot because she was eight months along. As they ate lunch together, Juno picked up on how Leah knew her geometry well whereas before she did not and the student (Leah) called her teacher by his first name, Keith. Juno told her that was not right. Mr. Keith Connors (teacher) then came into view and Leah told her friend how hot teacher Keith was. Leah then told Juno that Paul was going to prom with Katrina DeVoort. Leah enlighted Juno that Paul asked Katrna and that the two had plans to go to Benihana, prom and then Vijay’s parent’s cabin afterward. Juno told her friend that Karina seemed nice but wasn’t Paul’s type and they wouldn’t have sex. However, Leah pointed out that Paul and Juno had sex and that got Juno jealous and she said that Prom was for wensuses anyway and as soon as you’re old enough to go, it’s not cool anymore. It didn’t take long for Juno to hunt Paul down in the school hallway and question him about Katrina. Paul confirmed everything Leah told Juno and added that they would also be getting a stretch limo cause a bunch of teens from the team were going together. So then Juno went off on Paul and told him she’s stuck at home in her fat suit while he is off with his next victim to school Prom and basically he had his freedom where she did not and was stuck going to Unitarian Church or getting hit by a truck full of hot garage juice or pumicing her feet. Paul responded that Juno was really being immature and she had no reason to be mad at him. Paul said he ought to be the one mad at Juno and Juno replied why because she got bored and had sex with him and didn’t want to marry him. Paul replied that he wouldn’t want to marry her because Juno would be the meanest wife ever and knew she wasn’t bored that day cause there was a lot of stuff on TV and the Blair Witch Project was coming on Starz (Juno liked that show). In the school hallway, Paul told Juno he still had her underwear and Juno said she had his virginity. Paul told Juno to shut up. Juno asked Paul if he were ashamed that they had sex and he replied, no. Juno said at least he didn’t have to carry the result of their intercourse underneath his sweater or the load from snickering students behind his back and left. Juno then left school grounds and got in the car she was borrowing from her parents to use whenever she wanted, put lipstick on and headed for Mark and Vanessa’s house. Mark saw Juno pull up in her car outside as he worked upstairs on his computer and went to greet her. Juno asked him if Vanessa were home and Mark said no and the two were safe together alone. Mark took Juno to his storage room and pulled out a comic book with a very pregnant teen female manga anime on the cover titled, “Most fruitful Yuki.” Mark told Juno he found that comic book in Japan when he was in the band and the superhero Yuki reminded him of Juno. Mark told Juno that Yuki is a very “bad-ass” and that Juno ought to be very proud she was in the same pregnant condition as that made up female character. Then, Juno handed Mark the cds she brought him of the music she enjoyed listening to, such as Mott the Hopple. Mark played the track and told Juno he knew the song and danced to it with Cynthia Vogel at his senior high school prom and told the underage teen that Cindy let him put his hands all over her and it was very hot. And then Mark placed Juno’s hands on him and showed her how Cynthia and him slowed danced together in the late 80’s. Juno put her head on Mark’s chest then after he told her he felt there was something between them because they couldn’t get closer (the baby). Mark then told Juno that he was leaving Vanessa. Mark revealed that he had it all planned out for a while and was getting a place in the city like he wanted to for a long time. Juno got upset and told Mark that he couldn’t do that because Mark was supposed to take care of the baby. Mark responded that he thought Juno would be ok with that situation. Juno went on to say that she wanted the chlld’s life to be perfect and not shi@@y and broken like everyone else’s family. Juno said she would have the baby and Vanessa would be so happy because of the baby. Matt told Juno that the baby would not fix everything and that Mark wasn’t ready to be a father. Juno told Mark he was old and couldn’t understand why not. Mark asked Juno what she thought of him then and questioned why she was visiting him alone. Juno said she liked being a piece of furniture in his weird life (like her dad’s chair and Paul). Juno told Mark that his marriage problems were her fault. Mark said him and Vanessa are not in love anymore. Teen Juno explained that her teen friend Leah was in love with the same guy four different times so Mark could be in love with Vanessa again. Mark couldn’t believe what an idiot he was and Juno told Mark not to divorce his wife. Juno stormed out telling Mark she bought another Sonic Youth album and it sucked and was just noise and told him she was old enough to know when Mark was being an a-hole in his marriage. As Juno was leaving the house in tears, Vanessa came home and asked why Juno was upset. Vanessa didn’t want Juno to leave like that and wanted to know the truth and Mark came in the room and told his wife that Juno was experiencing some hormonal imbalances. Mark told Vanessa then, with teen Juno standing there, that he didn’t think the baby was the right thing for them and wondered if they were ready. Vanessa quickly replied were ready and read all the books and took all the classes and even had a nursery ready. Mark said he knew Vanessa was ready but didn’t think he was ready to be a parent. As Juno walked out the door then, Vanessa ran after her and told the teen that her husband just had cold feet and that the books all say the same thing about Mark’s behavior. Vanessa told Juno that a woman becomes a mom when she becomes pregnant and that a dad becomes a dad when he sees the baby. Mark came in the room then and said that they put in the ad and he thought it would take months but it was two weeks and Juno was on his couch and he wasn’t ready when the ad was placed and that ever since then it was like a ticking clock to him. Mark said there are some things he still wanted to do and his wife replied like what, be a rock star. Vanessa said that this was something that was never going to happen and told Mark his shirt was stupid and to grow up and that if Vanessa had to wait for Mark to become Kurt Cobain then she would never be a mother. Mark told his wife he never said he would be a good father. Juno left the house then squealing her tires and drove back the hour to her parents house upset about the entire situation with the adoptive parents and her part in overstepping her boundaries with the married couple which led to them questioning their relationship. Juno ended up pulling off into the shoulder of the road because she could not see through the tears to drive. Juno drove on and eventually stopped to lay on the hood of the car at nighttime outside the convenient store with K.C.’s Café as Paul played his guitar miles away at his home in his bedroom. Juno then retrieved the yellow crinkled notepaper from under a backseat and sat in the driver’s seat looking at it. At the Loring house, Mark told Vanessa that he called Gerta Rauss and informed his wife that the female could represent the both of them and it was called a collaborative divorce. Mark added it was all the rage at the moment and very easy since they had not children. Vanessa at a loss tried to thank Mark for making that call for the both of them. Mark told his wife he had a place to stay and was renting a loft downtown. Vanessa called him the cool guy and added that she wanted a baby so bad. They heard a knock at the door so Mark opened it and saw Juno speed off. Mark picked up the note Juno left on the doorstep. Vanessa read it along with Mark. Upon arrival at her house, Juno picked a purple flower from out front and thought how she never realized how much she liked being home after she had been someplace different for a period of time. Inside, dad told his daughter that her mom took her younger sister to her ice-skating class. Juno asked when her parents would learn that tots cannot ice skate. Dad commented on how morose Juno looked. Juno said she was losing her faith in humanity. Juno questioned whether two people could stay together forever such as people in love. Dad questioned if Juno were having boy trouble because he didn’t approve in his pregnant daughter dating while she were pregnant.Juno said that was not what her issue was. Juno wanted to know if it were possible if two people could stay in love forever. Her dad responded that his current wife and him had been together for a number of years and they were both still happy together. He gave his daughter advice to find a person who loved her for exactly who she was not not try to change her into somebody she was not and that was the kind of person worth sticking with. Juno said she thought she found that person and dad tried to say it was he. Dad added that he would always be there to love and support her not matter what kind of pickle she was in. Juno told her dad that she needed to go out again that night (she didn’t tell her dad that he was that person because it was Paul). However, as she went out the door Juno lied to him and told her dad it was her dad she was talking about. The next scene had a two girls running to their car at nighttime having done something mischievious with Tic-Tac ahoy! The next morning as Paul came out of his house to join the track team running by, he looked down and saw written in chalk on the front porch, “Bleeker check the Mail.” Paul opened the federal US mailbox and found it overflowing with orange Tic-Tac containers. Later on a school, Paul stopped from his running on the track field with the other boys to meet Juno part way as she came on the field. Paul thanked Juno for the breath mints and told her that he was set till college. Juno apologized for being such a huge bit@@ to him and Paul said it’s okay. Juno told Paul she was in love with him, for real and not just as friends. Juno said every time she sees him the baby starts kicking super hard. Juno put Paul’s hand on her stomach and he felt the baby kick for the first time. The two teens then made out on the school grounds as a group of other teens watched, with music and lyrics playing, “I like boys with strong convictions and convicts with perfect diction underdogs with good intentions amputees with stamp collections, I like boys that like their mothers and I have a thing for…” as Leah in her cheer attire yell at the Juno that she could go into early labor sucking Paul’s face like that. Juno’s response was to keep kissing Paul and give Leah the middle finger. Later on, as Juno lay down rolling a matchbox car over her stomach, she yelled to her Dad because she either peed her pants or was in labor. The whole MacGuff family loaded into the van and drove to the hospital. Leah was there and rolled Juno like her delinquent nut self fast in her wheelchair bumping into things along the path. Mom scolded Leah and told her not to behave like that and Leah responded it was fun. Juno swore (the f bomb) with the pain of childbirth and wanted her spinal block. Mom told Juno that she couldn’t have it yet since she wasn’t dilated yet. Mom added that doctors were sadists who like to play God and watch lesser people scream. Juno screamed in pain so Mom swore too and told the medical staff to get her daughter the damn spinal tap already. Leah was with Mom in the room while Juno gave birth helping her friend through. The baby boy was delivered after much pain. Juno didn’t call Paul to tell him she was having the baby because Paul had a big meet against Manteno and she didn’t want him to lose by being worried and off his game. As it turned out, Paulie Bleeker broke a distruct record and afterward figured out why Juno wasn’t there to support him. Dad told Juno in her hospital bed that someday she would be back there again but that time on her terms and not by accident. Paul interrupted then with his track uniform on and dad left the two alone to talk. Paul got in bed with Juno and hugged onto her then as she cried. Paul had decided he didn’t want to see the baby and neither did Juno because the baby did not feel like it was their baby. Juno said the child was always Vanessa as Vanessa stood outside the hospital nursery looking at her baby. Bren appeared in the doorway as Vanessa held onto her newborn son. Bren told Vanessa that she looked scared itless like a new mom looks and watched as Vanessa instantly and lovingly bonded with her adopted child. Juno said it started with a chair (Juno’s parents house) and ended with a chair (Vanessa’s nursery). The yellow note was framed on the wall in Vanessa’s nursery room and read, “Vanessa, If you’re still in, I’m still in. Juno.” It then showed Vanessa and her newborn happily together at Vanessa’s home. Later that summer, mom adopted a four-legged Weinraner into the family. Juno had her before pregnant figure back quickly and rode off on her bicycle from her parents house to meet up with her boyfriend, Paul, to play their guitars and sang their bizarre original song about, “part-time lovers, full-time friends, fits of rage and church steeples and kissing each other on the brain in the shadow of a train, San Francisco and double-dutch disco, Tech-Tv hottie do it for Scotty, do it for the living and do it for the dead, do it for the teenagers and do it for your mom, 4th quarter pipe dreams, Russell Stover starting over, we won’t stop till somebody calls the cops and even then we’ll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened...” This movie was nominated for 4 Academy Awards, including Best Picture. On the cover art, Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times stated, “A fresh, unusually intelligent comedy,” and also, “The best picture of the year.” This movie had a 6.5-7.5 million budget, was released on Christmas Day and went on to gross more than 231 million at the box office.

 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/28/23

TITLE: Sylvester 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1985 Sony Pictures/Columbia Pictures/Rastar Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place at a stockyard in Marfa, Texas, and began with teenage ranch hands Charlene Railsberg (Charlie) and Red getting into a confrontation and talking trash at each other. That led to Charlie knocking Red off his horse in the middle of the cattle pen and them wrestling around on the ground together until their boss, John Foster, separated them. He put them on suspension threatening to fire them if they had any more incidents. Charlie wanted to break a wild gray horse she called Sylvester Stallone, and John told her no because he was too spirited but Charlie went ahead and roped Sylvester in the pen. He bit Charlie through her glove, and John got Charlie out of the pen and had Sylvester freed from the rope. Charlie argued that she could break Sylvester, but John replied that now he belonged to Red and that was the end of it. Sixteen-year-old Charlie’s parents were both dead by an accident of some kind (didn’t say how), so now she raised her two young brothers, Seth (about five) and Grant (ten). That night, they went to see Sylvester, and on the way they picked up Matt Webb from his gas station after Grant convinced Matt to come along by offering to buy him an ice cream since he knew that Matt liked Charlie, even though she didn’t like him back. They found Sylvester battered after a bad experience with rough-riding Red, and Charlie was able to get close to Sylvester and give him water from a bucket. Matt commented that he thought Sylvester would be better looking, and when Charlie replied that the horse was better looking than Matt. Matt kissed Charlie quickly but pulled away from him.The next day, Red saddled up Sylvester and tried to ride the bucking bronco, but when he fell off, Charlie was able to easily call Sylvester to her. Even though she had never ridden Sylvester before, she was somehow able to gallop him out into the fields, which impressed everyone. Charlie tried to use Sylvester as a cow horse, but Red said he was too big for that kind of work and the mean boy decided to close the gate on Sylvester’s back end as Charlie was riding by. That spooked the horse and he reared up multiple times, causing Charlie to fall. Sylvester took off and easily cleared the fence, and Charlie went on her spotted horse and Red on his motorcycle after Sylvester. Red tried to cut Sylvester off, and the horse ran out into the road, causing cars to swerve and almost hit each other. One driver got out and shouted in Spanish as Charlie chased after Sylvester and caught him. John was angry about what happened because now he had the city and the SPCA on his back, as well as four lawsuits. He went on to say that both Charlie and Red were fired and he never should have hired them in the first place because they were underage and his insurance didn’t cover them. Charlie packed up her belongings in her truck to leave, and as she did so Red came over, shoved her into the truck, and started raping her. He was able to unbutton the front of Charlie’s shirt and expose her breasts on screen (portraying sixteen year old), but she used her boot to honk the horn and John heard and came running. He dragged Red out of the truck and punched and kicked him hard repeatedly until he was unconscious, and Charlie drove off. Charlie told Matt that she planned on taking care of the boys until Seth was eighteen and she drove off without gas because Charlene had no money to pay. Charlene met with a social worker, Miss Daniels. She said that life was a highway and Charlie was just going through a phase with the horses. Miss Daniels signed Charlie up for a typing course so she could get a secretarial job and could take care of her brothers if she wanted to keep them in her custody. She explained that Charlie would need to have a guardian, and Seth and Grant would stay at Boys’ Camp because Charlie couldn’t take on the burden of raising children (after her parents were killed about a year ago) when she was still a child herself at sixteen and had no idea what she was going to do to support herself, let alone two younger siblings that she already neglected in her care. Charlie argued that training horses was a real job and she could prove that by selling Mr. Foster’s horse Sylvester, but Miss Daniels replied that wasn’t an option and state workers would be by the following day to pick them up. Later that night, Charlie took her brothers to her ex employer, John’s house, where she knocked on the door hoping they could stay with John, but when she discovered that he was drunk she announced that they had an aunt in Oklahoma and it would be better to live with her than a drunk. However, the boys rushed into the house against Charlie’s wishes and said they were moving in with the drunk because there was nothing but trash in Oklahoma and they didn’t want to go there. Miss Daniels and the sheriff showed up at the livestock auction the next day, and John told Charlie to sell one of their horses to the sheriff while John filled out the paperwork to become Charlie and the boys’ guardian. Miss Daniels argued that John would never be approved because he was an old and unmarried drunk, but he was able to convince her and the kids started tidying up John’s house. They planned to sleep in the barn, and at the dinner table John was having second thoughts about taking them in because he didn’t even like his own children. John went to the bar, where Matt told John that he was waiting for Charlie to get the “horse stuff,” out of her system so he could marry her. Charlie was considering entering the Lexington three-day event in Kentucky, and Matt thought she was crazy but suggested that she get John on her side because he used to be in the Cavalry, who invented three-day trials. John refused to help because he said it was too dangerous. Charlie went to the police station to get money from the police charity for the trip to Lexington, and the law officials voted that they would give her the money (sheriff got a good deal on a horse from John with Charlene’s help). A group of people who sold Charlie new riding equipment came to watch her train, and one man complained that dressage was like watching cement set and he only came to see Sylvester jump. John changed his mind and decided to start training Charlie. Later on, John, Matt, Charlie, and her brothers went to Lexington. As the competitors walked the highly dangerous cross-country jumping course, Harris Pell, a competitor from the U.S. Equestrian Team, introduced himself to Charlie and was shocked to learn that she was at that event because it was deadly for an inexperienced rider and horse like Charlie and Sylvester. Right before the dressage phase, one of the female judges asked another female judge if the horse or the rider was Sylvester Stallone because she couldn’t tell from a distance if Charlie was a boy or a girl (because her hair was very short), and the other female replied that the horse was Sylvester. Charlie did well in dressage and steeplechase, and the very wealthy Whitney Hyde (she went by Muffy), who owned the local Cloverleaf Stud Farm, noticed that and was interested in buying Sylvester. Whitney made an appointment with Charlie and John to discuss it and offered Sylvester a more comfortable stall in the big barn. When they arrived at Muffy’s mansion, she took Charlie on a tour of her stables and offered Charlie a small salary to stay with Muffy for at least a year, with all her living and training costs covered, and Charlie would come out of it as a reputable horse trainer with professional riding skills which gave her an opportunity at having a career with the horses she loved. However, Charlie’s brothers couldn’t be part of the picture, and she later talked it over with John and told him that she wasn’t sure about accepting Muffy’s (in a wheel chair herself perhaps from a riding accident) offer because her brothers would probably be put in an orphanage. Charlie had a clear cross-country jumping round, and everyone attended an event party at Muffy’s mansion later that evening. It was there that Muffy told the young parentless boys, Seth and Grant, about Charlie leaving and they hadn’t known about it because their older sister didn’t tell them yet. A fight then broke out because Matt was done with Charlie flirting with Harris. Matt started punching Harris, who was also flirting with Charlie. Harris tried to convince Charlene to stay with Muffy so he could teach her what he knew. Matt and Harris both went through and broke the glass window as they still fought. John stopped the brawl by dumping the contents of the punch bowl all over the boys, now on the front porch. Charlie went out to the barn, and Matt followed her out and told her that he didn’t want her to leave Texas for Kentucky because she was the only girl he ever wanted to marry. Charlene (16 yo) replied that she couldn’t marry Matt (over age 20) at that moment, but her word was good and she eventually would. They started kissing and then discussed removing their clothes as they lay in the stall to have sex. The following day, right before the final event, the show-jumping phase, Charlie turned down Muffy’s offer. Charlie rode a clear round, and then John showed Charlie the high dollar check that Whitney (Muffy )wrote for Sylvester even though Charlie didn’t want to board at Muffy’s farm. Charlie then agreed that she would sell Sylvester to Muffy. John was then able to convince Charlie to stay on and train with (Whitney) Muffy for a year in Kentucky while her brothers stayed with questionable (occasionally sober) John as caretaker for the young boys. Matt also returned to Texas. Charlie went to the winners’ circle, where she was given the blue ribbon as the Preliminary Champion. Charlie and Sylvester then led the other riders and horses on the victory gallop. The shoddy characters (such as Charlene) constantly used God’s name in vain. 

 

DATE REVIEWED: 5/27/23

TITLE: The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out Of Water 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for God’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015 Nickelodeon Movies/Paramount Animation/United Plankton Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with an evil human pirate named Burger Beard stealing a book from a skeleton on an island. He returned to his ship and put it on auto pirate so he could read the story of an underwater town called Bikini Bottom, where a sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants worked at The Krusty Krab restaurant owned by Mr. Krabs making Krabby Patty hamburgers, the staple of the residents’ diets.A flock of seagulls gathered around to sing the SpongeBob theme song from the cartoon TV show and to listen to Burger Beard say that SpongeBob safeguarded the Krabby Patty recipe (which they called the formula) from Plankton, who owned the Chum Bucket across the street and was always trying to steal the formula and put Mr. Krabs out of business since nobody ate at the Chum Bucket because the food was so bad. Plankton attacked the Krusty Krab yet again, this time with a military tank, airplane, and giant robot. SpongeBob and his best friend, Patrick Star (a starfish), tried to fend him off with raw potatoes, ketchup, and mustard. The battle ended when the robot ran out of gas. Plankton put on a show of crocodile tears saying that Krabs stole everything him, and to make good on that statement Plankton gave Krabs his last penny. Krabs put the penny in the safe and later went outside to gloat about his victory against Plankton. However, it turned out that wasn’t actually Plankton, but a robot disguised in a Plankton suit while the real Plankton was hidden inside the fake coin in the safe and was trying to switch out the bottle containing the recipe with a bottle that held another piece of paper. However, Krabs discovered the robot and SpongeBob was inside the restaurant when lockdown was initiated. Plankton and SpongeBob had a tug-of-war over the recipe, but then suddenly it disintegrated. Krabs didn’t see what happened and was convinced that Plankton had his formula, so he taped tiny little Plankton to the table and put muffs over his own ears so he wouldn’t have to hear Plankton’s screaming during the torture session, where SpongeBob ran around on the verge of seizures and it drove Plankton crazy. Squidward Tentacles the cashier interrupted and announced that the customers were getting restless and wanted refunds because they weren’t being fed, so Krabs ordered SpongeBob to serve up Krabby Patties to the customers. When Krabs turned around, Plankton was goneand both SpongeBob and Krabs screamed like girls when they discovered that they were out of Krabby Patties and they couldn’t make more without the formula. Krabs recruited the rioting customers and told them that Plankton was their enemy and stole the formula, and that Krabs would give all of them a free Krabby Patty if they joined him to get the secret formula back. The angry mob stormed the Chum Bucket, and when Plankton refused to answer Krabs who asked him again where the formula was, and as Krabs was about to stomp on Plankton, SpongeBob intervened. He started blowing bubbles, which Krabs thought was a diabolical pain method of getting soap in Plankton’s eyes. In fact, SpongeBob knew that Plankton didn’t succeed in stealing the formula, so he trapped himself and Plankton inside a large bubble so they would be safe from the mob. Krabs was shocked to discover that SpongeBob, his most trusted employee and underpaid son, was working with Krabs’ sworn enemy when he had always expected Squidward to be the one who might stab Krabs in the back. Krabs then predicted that dark times were ahead because the Krabby Patty was what tied everybody together and without it, there would be a complete breakdown of social order and a war of all against all. Krabs welcomed everyone to the “apocalyptic cesspool,” forevermore. The seagulls weren’t happy that was “the end,” of the story, and one of them tore the last page out of the book and littered by dropping it into the ocean. SpongeBob and Plankton witnessed the burning and chaotic city, and they decided they needed to work together to get the formula back. SpongeBob popped the bubble and found Patrick, who was going insane from lack of Krabby Patties, banging his head into his house. SpongeBob said that Patrick would bring loyalty to their team if he were a member, and Patrick agreed and then held SpongeBob and Plankton hostage as he called the post-apocalyptic mob over to get them. SpongeBob and Plankton managed to escape and went to Sandy Cheek’s house, where she exhibited erratic and deranged behavior and showed them the book page she found which floated down to the ocean floor (thanks to the seagulls). Sandy declared that the sandwich gods were angry with them. She was no help, so SpongeBob took Plankton to his pineapple house where he lived and retrieved his pet snail, Gary, and SpongeBob said Gary would be loyal to him until the end. However, even Gary was on strike and said he didn’t have to listen to SpongeBob anymore because Gary was now the “King of Snails.” While SpongeBob slept that night, evil Plankton literally went inside SpongeBob’s brain in search of the formula thinking he was hiding it, but all Plankton found was a candy land of food characters who were happy and smiling to the point where it was disturbing and borderline psychotic. Plankton said that there was so much sweetness he was going to be sick, so then he threw up a rainbow, which sprouted a face and called Plankton daddy. Plankton hurried out of there, and SpongeBob woke up and eventually got the truth out of Plankton that he was in SpongeBob’s brain. Plankton said he did it because he assumed everybody was lying, including SpongeBob. SpongeBob then sang a sappy song about teamwork with lyrics that included Plankton singing that he wished he were in a coma at that moment. After the song, Plankton said that was one minute of his life he would never get back, to which SpongeBob replied not without a time machine. Plankton got an idea and told SpongeBob that they could build a time machine and go back to before the formula disappeared and before society broke down and they became the hunted. Plankton and SpongeBob snuck past the mob camped outside the Chum Bucket and into the restaurant to rescue Plankton’s wife, Karen, who was a computer capable of helping them build the time machine. Plankton untied the door key from around sleeping Patrick’s neck, but then the key with Plankton holding onto it fell into Patrick’s belly button, and SpongeBob had to pull Plankton and the key out, both covered in belly button lint. Patrick suddenly woke up, and SpongeBob held him in his arms and tried to rock Patrick to sleep while Plankton told him the very short bedtime story of the big fat pink idiot (Patrick) who went to sleep, and it worked. SpongeBob and Plankton freed Karen from her chains, and she told Plankton that he must need something because otherwise he would never come back to rescue his wife. Karen told Plankton that Krabs had already hacked into her hard drive looking for the formula, and she agreed that Plankton had a brilliant plan to save Bikini Bottom. The trio went to the Taco Haüs, where they built the time machine using the photobooth. They found themselves in the future and saw old Patrick with a white beard in the sand dunes covering everything, and he thought their arrival marked the end of the Great Krabby Patty famine. Plankton used his calculator to figure out that they had gone only four days into the future. SpongeBob asked where everyone was, and Patrick replied that they all gave up on SpongeBob except for Patrick, but that was because he didn’t consider himself to be very smart. The wind blew the sand away to reveal that the Krusty Krab was no more, and SpongeBob and Plankton ran back to the time machine. They stepped out into a room in the middle of outer space, where a cloaked figure stood with his back to them. He called himself The One Who Watches, but then added that his real name was Bubbles and turned around to reveal that he was a dolphin. Bubbles explained that his kind watched and protected the galaxy, and then he excused himself to the bathroom because he hadn’t relieved himself for 10,000 years.This left SpongeBob and Plankton to keep an eye on things, but they failed to keep Saturn and Jupiter from smashing into each other. Bubbles came out of the bathroom and was angry with SpongeBob and Plankton for what happened because now Bubbles would lose his job. He declared that the intruders would also lose their lives, and he started shooting at them with a laser from his blowhole, but they were able to dodge the lasers and made it back to the machine. The third time was the charm because SpongeBob and Plankton now arrived at the Krusty Krab right before the incident. While SpongeBob from the present went after evil Plankton to get the formula, SpongeBob from the past asked the other Plankton if there were flying boatmobiles and rocket packs in the future. He then questioned if clothes were outlawed in the future because Plankton was naked, and Plankton replied that clothes were still around but he didn’t wear any because they didn’t come in his tiny size. SpongeBob grabbed the formula, and he and Plankton jumped into the time machine just as the alarm went off. The seagulls were sure that was the ending, and then Burger Beard crashed his ship on a crowded beach. Everybody hurried to get out of the way of the ship on wheels, some of them almost getting run over and the lifeguard watchtower being destroyed with the guard jumping down onto the ground just in time. Burger Beard parked the ship next to the food trucks and told the seagulls to scatter because he didn’t want them to poop all over his “restaurant.” This happened to be the food truck that he then transformed his ship into. He showed the seagulls a steaming platter that contained the roasted wing remains of one of their friends, and that got rid of the birds that didn’t want to be next on the menu and shouted that Burger Beard was a madman. At The Krusty Krab in present day, Patrick licked a picture of a Krabby Patty because they were still out of stock. Sandy burst into the restaurant with her theory that they needed to appease the angry sandwich gods by offering a sacrifice, which would end their post-apocalypse state and cause Krabby Patties to rain down from above. Krabs protested that if the Krabby Patties rained down he wouldn’t get his money, and the crowd was going to carry him outside to be the sacrifice but then SpongeBob and Plankton appeared with the formula. SpongeBob tried to explain where they found it, but then Patrick sat down in the time machine because he thought it was a photo booth, and he and the machine disappeared. However, it turned out that SpongeBob grabbed the wrong bottle out of the safe and it was not the formula, so Krabs and the crowd decided they were going to sacrifice SpongeBob and Plankton. Patrick reappeared and told everyone to run because a dinosaur called Squidosaurus Rex followed him back from the dawn of time and broke through the time machine to destroy the restaurant. Plankton screamed that it was all SpongeBob’s fault, and that had the attention of the dinosaur and everyone else. SpongeBob argued that he didn’t know there were two bottles, to which Plankton replied that was because SpongeBob had cotton candy for brains. Plankton said he was selfish and evil until SpongeBob came along and ruined that with his “teamwork,” and he was the worst teammate ever. SpongeBob went into a screaming fit where he hyperventilated and attempted to “calm down” by dumping the trashcans and mixing the garbage and the recyclables. He then realized that he had become like all of the other residents: savage, fear-ridden, and selfish, and he said they were an entire town of formerly good citizens turned into heartless freaks bent on their own self-preservation to the point where they became alienated from each other, everyone with an island unto himself where they were concerned only with themselves. SpongeBob ripped a strip of red cloth from the front of someone’s shirt and tied it around his head announcing that he was willing to take one for the team and sacrifice himself in order to restore Bikini Bottom to its former glory. The mob did just that and chained SpongeBob on top of a building, but before he could be crushed by a heavy object from above, he said he smelled Krabby Patties and Krabs freed SpongeBob. He threw SpongeBob off the tall building to go find the Krabby Patties with everyone tearing off their apocalypse clothes to reveal their normal clothes beneath so they could join SpongeBob. SpongeBob followed the scent through a blizzard, across the moon, on the back of an eagle, and up a mountainside, but all they found was the surface of the water. The crowd left,and Squidward said it would be impossible for them to go above the surface unless a fairy godmother showed up and helped them breathe air. Bubbles then appeared, and SpongeBob was afraid that Bubbles was going to hurt them for getting him fired. Bubbles laughed and replied that he traveled back through time to thank SpongeBob and Plankton because he had been stuck in his old job for eons and was ready for a change anyway. Bubbles said that in exchange for their help, he would help them by getting them safely to the surface. He scooped the group of six (SpongeBob, Patrick, Krabs, Squidward, Sandy, and Plankton who stowed away in SpongeBob’s sock without his knowing) up in his mouth and jumped above the surface. The dolphin blew them out his blowhole and used his tail to flick them onto shore, which was the same beach that Burger Beard crashed on. They walked past the humans tanning on the beach and spotted one man who they thought was a hairy porpoise that had beached himself, so they attempted to roll the sleeping man towards the water. That didn’t work, and then the tiny little cartoon characters come to life made their way past the beach where they dodged bicyclists and skaters. They found a bicycle, and SpongeBob and Patrick operated the pedals while the others steered up top. The bike without a rider attracted a lot of attention and caused people to run into light posts and benches. The group made it to where the food scent was coming from and discovered that a crowd was lined up outside the Burger Beard’s Beard Burgers, the home of the Krabby Patty (which cost just $8.99 a burger). They went to confront whoever was making the Krabby Patties using the stolen formula, and it was Burger Beard. He was shocked to see them there because they weren’t supposed to be able to breathe air and them being there in the real world with the help of magic dolphin wasn’t in the book. Burger Beard said the ending of the story was he would become the richest food truck proprietor in all the land by selling the Krabby Patties that everybody liked, and in order to accomplish that he took out a pen and rewrote the story to banish the group to Pelican Island. It was there that Sandy gave SpongeBob the paper from the book (which she found back in Bikini Bottom), and he had the idea that if Burger Beard could write anything in the book and it would happen, then so could they. SpongeBob plucked a feather from one of the pelicans that were flying around the island trying to attack the fivesome, and the ink for writing was supplied from Squidward, who crapped it all over the place and said that happened when he was nervous. SpongeBob wrote something on the page that turned them into big superheroes. The humans who saw them thought they were hallucinating from an ingredient in the Krabby Patties they were eating, but they just shrugged and kept eating the burgers anyway. Squidward (superhero name Sour Note) took out an instrument and played it, and it was so loud that it sent everyone scattering. Patrick (Mr. Superawesomeness) was supposed to take down Burger Beard with his superpower, but instead he ate ice cream. SpongeBob used the bubble blower on the top of his head (now blue and yellow) to trap the book in a bubble and send it floating away. Burger Beard took off in his ship on wheels after the book, and Patrick, riding around on the back of SpongeBob who was floating with the help of his bubbles, followed and grabbed onto the side of the ship. SpongeBob fell and grabbed onto Patrick’s underwear, pulling it down to reveal half of Patrick’s bare bottom. The ship came to a stop, but before Burger Beard could grab the book, Squidward used his sour instrument to pop the bubble and it fell down onto the stove inside the food truck where it was burnt to a crisp. Burger Beard blasted Krabs with melted butter and shot cannonballs at SpongeBob, one of which hit him. It turned out Plankton was left behind at Pelican Island, and he used the book page to turn himself into a bodybuilder giant superhero calling himself Plank-Ton. He lifted Burger Beard’s ship right off the ground and started tossing it back and forth. Burger Beard squirted ketchup in Plankton’s eye, which burned him and caused him to drop the ship, but he quickly overcame that and grabbed Burger Beard as he tried to make a run for it. Burger Beard gave up the formula, and Plankton used his super strength to kick the pirate far out into the ocean, where he landed on a desolate island. Plankton contemplated whether or not to keep the formula, but then he decided to give it to Krabs because he realized that keeping something to himself was selfish. Plankton gave SpongeBob the page from the island, and he wrote the final ending for all of them to return to Bikini Bottom despite Squidward’s protests that he wanted to stay the way he was because he considered himself a god with his superhero powers. When they arrived back at the Krusty Krab, Squidward was disappointed that it didn’t last, but SpongeBob said he left him a little something and Squidward lifted up his shirt to see that his rock-hard abs were still there. The residents of Bikini Bottom ordered 3,000 Krabby Patties.Meanwhile, Burger Beard was stuck in the sand on his desert island and had no choice but to sing the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song with the seagulls. Bubbles interrupted them by screaming for them to stop because he didn’t like that song. He changed it to a rap song where he sang that the seagulls were an inferior species who had no taste and got excited about trash on a plate, while Bubbles was a spacetime traveler and fabric unraveler who demanded silence and demonstrated his powers by using his blowhole laser to fry one of the birds. The Seagull Crew rapped back at the dolphin, which silenced him and he disappeared so the seagulls could finish their song. This movie had a budget of over $60 million and it grossed over $325 at the box office. It had the following listed on the cover art: R.C. Samo, FanboyNation Magazine “The best family film of the year;” Soren Andersen, The Seattle Times “Laugh-out-loud funny.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/26/23

TITLE: Holes 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for God’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2003 Walt Disney Pictures/Walden Media/Chicago Pacific Entertainment/Phoenix Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON. This movie began at Camp Green Lake in Texas, a juvenile detention labor camp for boys, where one of the boys (who was nicknamed Barf Bag by the other kids, all of whom also had nicknames) approached a rattlesnake. The other boys told Barf Bag it wasn’t that bad and not to do it, but the mentally challenged kid took his shoe off and let the snake bite his bare foot. Teenager Stanley Yelnats IV (it was the tradition for all the men in the family to be named Stanley because it was their last name spelled backwards) walked down the street in the city when a pair of shoes fell out of the sky and hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground. Stanley’s grandfather blamed Stanley’s unluckiness, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, on the 150-year-old family curse. It started with one relative, Stanley’s great grandfather, who was held up by the infamous outlaw, Kissin’ Kate Barlow, at Green Lake long before the camp was ever there and there used to be a lake. Kate robbed the man of his treasure chest that had the name Stanley Yelnats on it, so Kate used the treasure chest to stash the loot from all her robberies. Before Kate turned outlaw, a black man named Sam fell in love with the local white schoolteacher Katherine (Kate), and Trout Walker saw them through the window kissing in the schoolhouse. Trout and the townspeople then burned down the schoolhouse, and Katherine went to get the sheriff. He was drunk and told her that he was going kill the black man Sam for kissing the white woman Katherine. The sheriff and his men went out on the lake after Sam in his boat and shot him dead. The next morning, Katherine in a nice red dress walked into the sheriff’s office and asked him if he still wanted that kiss, and then she pulled out a gun and shot the sheriff dead. She left a red lipstick kiss mark on his cheek, which became Kate the bandit’s trademark because she only kissed the men she killed. Kate had left Stanley’s great-grandfather stranded in the desert for 16 days, and he was half crazy when he was found on God’s Thumb, and nobody knew what that was. The now married couple Trout and Linda Miller who were looking for Kate to steal her treasure then found Kate and approached her with guns. When she replied that there was none, Trout said that was crazy because he knew she robbed every bank from Hell to Houston. Kate recognized Linda Miller as one of her old students, but Linda replied that she had been Linda Walker for the last 13 years. Kate told Trout that all the generations of his family would dig for the treasure for the next 100 years, but they would never find it. Trout shot at a yellow-spotted lizard, but when he missed Kate picked up the poisonous lizard and let it bite her, which killed her. Meanwhile, a long-ago (over hundred years) Yelnats ancestor in Latvia had a session with a local fortune teller whose last name was Zeroni. He failed to follow through with the deal they made, and so Madame Zeroni cursed the family for all eternity. Back in real time, young Stanley IV picked up the shoes as he walked alone down the street, and then a police car pursued him so he ran down the street but was still picked up by the police for having the stolen shoes in his possession. Teen Stanley later appeared in court, and the judge told him that it was his choice if he wanted to go to jail or spend eighteen months at Camp Green Lake. Stanley chose the camp, which was out in the middle of the desert and looked like a ghost town. Mr. Sir told Stanley upon arrival that there were no guard towers or electric fences and anybody could run away if they wanted to, but they didn’t because the camp had the only water for 100 miles around. Teen Stanley undressed down to his underwear and put on his orange jumpsuit, and then Mr. Sir told him that all the boys were required to dig one five-by-five-foot hole every day. One of the juveniles, nicknamed Zero, acted mute until the boys discussed the stolen shoes with red X’s on them that belonged to Texas Rangers baseball player Clyde Livingston.The only person Zero talked to was Stanley. Stanley remembered then that in the courtroom during Stanley’s hearing, Clyde tesitified that he was an orphan and donated the shoes to the homeless shelter he grew up in. He said that Stanley was no fan of Clyde’s for stealing shoes from homeless children. The delinquents were given shovels the next morning to start digging, and Sir explained to Stanley that if he found something “interesting,” that he had to report it and if the warden liked it, Stanley would get the rest of the day off. Stanley asked what he was looking for, and Sir replied nothing because it was about building character. He added that the camp was philosophy and made a bad boy dig holes all day in the hot sun to turn him into a good boy. Stanley wrote a letter to his mom lyingabout the other boys’ behavior and telling her they were good boys and that he loved the food, and how everybody went out swimming and water-skiing on the lake. This was so Stanley’s mom wouldn’t worry that her son was eating slop, digging endless holes in the ground, and had scorpions in his bed and nearly got shot by Mr. Sir who was aiming at the deadly yellow-spotted lizard behind Stanley. One of the boys labeled X-Ray convinced Stanley to do the opposite of what Sir told him and give X-Ray anything he found while he was digging because X-Ray hadn’t had a day off in over six months and didn’t think it was fair Stanley should get one when he just arrived. Stanley was nicknamed Caveman. Tween Zero couldn’t read and wanted Stanley to teach him, but Stanley was brusque and said he was too tired from digging all day to do that and just wanted to go back to his cabin to relax. Stanley found a gold tube with a heart and K.B. engraved on it in his hole. X-ray showed it to Dr. Pendanski the counselor (who the boys called mom) the following day, and he called the female warden to come look at it. She gave X-Ray the day off and assigned the boys to keep digging in the hole where they found it because X-Ray took the credit and said it was in his hole. However, they didn’t find anything after digging for several days (because the gold actually came from Stanley’s hole and not X-Ray’s) so the warden and Sir decided that the boys return to digging individual holes. Sir told the boys that water was the most precious commodity on the planet and all life began with water, so they should think of it as Sir giving them life and they ought to thank him. Magnet stole Sir’s bag of sunflower seeds out of his truck when he wasn’t looking, and after Sir drove away the boys started tossing the bag around. When it reached Stanley, he quickly buried the bag just as Sir turned around and came speeding back. Stanley didn’t bury the bag well enough because Sir spotted it right away, and Stanley took the blame for stealing it and so Sir took him to the warden. Stanley told her his side of the story that the bag wasn’t full because some of the seeds spilled into his hole. Sir said he would check up on that, but then the deranged female warden slapped Sir so hard across the face that he went flying backwards and landed on the floor writhing in pain as the warden sent Stanley out the door. When Stanley got back, he discovered that Zero dug Stanley’s hole the rest of the way because Zero knew that Stanley didn’t steal the sunflower seeds (or the shoes). Stanley decided to teach Zero to read (because Zero had no parent that taught him that before). Zero was a fast digger and offered to help Stanley dig his holes so he wouldn’t be too tired to teach when he was finished. Stanley had an idea and told Zero that maybe the gold tube was a tube of lipstick that belonged to Kate Barlow (hence the K.B. initials). Zero told Stanley that his real name was Hector Zeroni. Zero explained that his mom had problems and couldn’t take Zero with her everywhere she went so he hid in different places until she came back to get him as they were homeless. One day he waited at Laney Park (where he slept in the tunnel) for her to come home. However, she never came back and Zero said if he could, he would hire a whole team of private investigators to find out what happened to her. While Pendanski passed out food to the boys before their work, Magnet said something in Spanish and Pendanski replied that this is America and we speak English. ZigZag tried to start a fight with Stanley, and Pendanski encouraged Stanley to hit ZigZag back and teach him a lesson. Zero tackled ZigZag to the ground from behind, and the younger boy who grew up on the streets, Zero, had almost choked ZigZag to death by the time Pendanski fired a gunshot. The wicked warden showed up, and it was revealed that Zero helped Stanley dig his holes in exchange for Stanley teaching Zero how to read because he was smart. Pendanski replied that Zero wasn’t smart, and the warden announced that from now on, Stanley would dig his own holes and not help Zero with his reading. Pendanski handed Zero a shovel and told him that digging holes was all he would ever be good for and spelled out “d-i-g,” and asked what that was. Instead of replying, Zero knocked Pendanski unconscious to the ground by hitting him hard in the face with the shovel, and then Zero said, “dig” and ran away. Sir took out his gun as he chased after Zero, but the warden told Mr. Sir not to shoot because Zero couldn’t go anywhere and the last thing they needed was an investigation. The warden called for around-the-clock guards on all the water sources. Afterwards, the warden, Mr. Sir, and Pendanski discussed the situation that Zero was a ward of the state and was living on the streets when he was arrested. The warden said she wanted Zero’s records destroyed like he was never there, and when she asked Pendanski confirmed that he could get into the state files and erase Zero from their computer. Teen Little Twitch was then booked into camp after he stole a Mustang convertible. That gave Stanley an idea, and he stole Sir’s truck while Sir was distracted trying to break up a fight between the boys. Sir ran after Stanley and held onto the door being dragged alongside the truck as he tried to stop Stanley, but Sir ended up driving into one of the large holes. Stanley tried to drive away, but the front end of the truck was dangling inside a hole and so he got out on foot with Sir yelling after him to keep going because now there wouldn’t be a Yelnats V.Sir wanted to know what they were going to do about Stanley, and the warden replied that they would wait two weeks to report him missing and then call in dogs and helicopters knowing there would be nothing left to find. In the desert, Stanley found Zero alive hiding out under the shade of an overturned boat that belonged to Sam (from over a hundred years ago). Zero brought Stanley under the boat and gave him what Zero called “Sploosh,” a drink that tasted like peaches (hence the peaches from Katherine that Sam was carrying on his boat to and from his onion farm across the lake). Zero didn’t want to go back to camp, but Stanley said if they didn’t they would die out in the desert. Stanley’s plan was to return to the camp and tell the warden where they really found the lipstick tube, and he was sure that she would be so happy about that they wouldn’t get in trouble. Stanley then spotted a mountain in the distance and told Zero that his great-grandfather almost died but didn’t because he made it to the top of the mountain they just discovered called God’s Thumb. The two boys started walking and climbed the mountain. Zero started coughing and vomiting, and then he passed out and Stanley carried him the rest of the way on his back. Stanley eventually noticed there were a lot of insects around, and then he spotted a stream. He woke Hector up and they started drinking and splashing in the muddy water, and they found a bunch of onions that they ate for food. Back at Stanley’s house, his dad had been trying to fix stinky shoes for years, and he finally came across the solution that was onions and peaches (with his son finding onions and Zero finding peaches). Zero told Stanley that it was his fault Stanley was sent to the camp because Zero stole Clyde’s shoes that were at the homeless shelter he was living at. Everybody realized the shoes were gone, and Zero was wearing them as he ran down the street away from the police chasing him. Zero stopped and threw the shoes over the bridge, where they dropped by Stanley walking on the street below. Zero was arrested the next day for stealing a pair of shoes from Payless, and Stanley replied it was destiny. Meanwhile, Stanley’s female attorney, Carla Morengo, showed up at the camp in her Jaguar and told the warden she couldn’t keep Stanley from Carla, but the warden replied to come back with a signed court order from a judge to see Stanley. Carla sped away in her car saying she wasn’t done with the warden and would be back. The warden discussed it with her partners in crime that the next time the Jag attorney came back, they would tell the attorney the truth that Stanley ran away. The boys both decided that it was a good thing their lives crossed paths and felt everything was going to be okay. Zero spotted a shovel of stars in the sky, and they said they felt lucky enough to go back to the field of holes and keep digging in Stanley’s hole where they found the tube.  They arrived back and Stanley dug that night as Sir and Pendanski argued and threw tools at each other trying to fix something. Zero snuck around and found a shovel to help. The two boys continued digging and hit something solid, and they unearthed a treasure chest. However, the warden and her goons then appeared as the boys held onto the treasure chest, but they stepped back as several deadly lizards crawled all over the boys and the chest. Pendanski announced that Stanley was innocent and told him how his lawyer came by the other day to get him, but he wasn’t there. Sir added that at least now they would have a body to give her. They discussed how Zero was never there because they already erased his history, and they had lots of holes to choose from to bury him in. The warden went on to say that her grandfather owned the lake and then it dried up. Her Grandpa drove himself crazy digging holes trying to find the treasure. He made his granddaughter (warden when she was a young girl) dig too, even on Christmas. As it turned to morning, Stanley and Zero were still in the hole with the lizards on them, and the criminal adults talked about how it wasn’t the Girl Scouts coming to sell cookies because the attorney was back with the court order and Texas Rangers. The warden told Pendanski to hold the other boys in the mess hall and tell them that as long as they kept their mouths shut, they wouldn’t have to dig any more holes but if they talked they would be severely punished. Zero asked Stanley if his first name was his last name spelled backwards, and Stanley replied yes. Everyone argued about how none of that would have happened if Stanley was released to Carla the previous day and he didn’t steal something from the warden’s cabin. Stanley and Zero were fed up with all the lies, and so they climbed out of the holes (Zero holding the treasure chest) with all the deadly lizards scattering instead of biting them, confirming that the warden was lying about Stanley. That’s when the warden tried to make up a story about the boys stealing the chest, but Zero informed her that it had Stanley’s first and last name on it. Pendanski was baffled that Zero could actually read and he was no longer illiterate because Stanley taught him along their journey. The authorities took the treasure chest and put it in the trunk to take back to Stanley’s family, but Stanley didn’t want to leave without Zero. Pendanski mocked Stanley and said they would take good care of Zero (Hector) there, and attorney Carla spoke up and wanted Hector’s file to see if she could get him released. The warden told Pendanski to go inside and get the file, but he had no idea what to do because there was no longer a file. He came back outside and said there seemed to be no file for Hector Zeroni. A male authority questioned what kind of place the warden was running, and the warden replied that the state didn’t fund her enough and that was why she couldn’t maintain good records. The official in charge ordered a full investigation of the facility. Theodore (his nickname was Armpit) gave Stanleyhis mom’s phone number to call her and tell her that Theodore was sorry for what he got himself into. During all of this, Sir tried to hide his face from the law, but an officer recognized him as Marion Sevillo and arrested him on the spot because he was in violation of his parole for carrying the weapon that he had on him at that time. The warden said she had no knowledge of the gun, to which Sir replied just like she didn’t know Pendanski wasn’t a doctor either. The officers then announced they were putting the warden and her stooges in holding, and that the criminal justice system was taking over the facility to investigate the shifty things that went on inside with the kids. It then started raining in the desert, and all the boys ran out in it cheering happily. The warden begged Stanley to open the treasure chest so she could see what was inside, but he said no and closed the trunk to leave with Carla and Hector and go home. The warden and her two criminal associates were read Miranda rights by an officer. Back at Stanley’s house, his family opened up the treasure chest and it was filled with gold, jewels, stacks of old cash, and American Telephone and Telegraph Company (AT&T bonds from 1905) worth many millions now. They agreed to split half of what was inside with Hector. Later on, Hector’s mom arrived on the bus because Hector used his share of the money to hire a team of private investigators to find his missing mom.In the end, the two families became next-door neighbors. Camp Green Lake was closed, and the boys were released for time served and sent to real counselors (hopefully with God-hearts). It was said that the camp would reopen soon as a girls’ camp and as long as the girls ate lots of onions, they wouldn’t have to worry about lizards anymore. Clyde Livingston was then seen in a TV commercial promoting the Yelnats’s new peaches-and-onions foot product, Sploosh, from K.B. Industries. The movie cover art had Gene Shalit, Today, “One of America’s most cherished books…arrives in a winning movie. Cladia Puig, USA Today, “An action-adventure family film with heart as well as humor.”


  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/25/23

TITLE: God Save Our Farm 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2013 Phase 4 Films/Warship Productions/Wholehearted Productions/Thousand Hills Productions/Ontario Limited/Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place on a Canadian farm and began with Grandpa Fred, his son Sam, and his grandson David Bird having a funeral. Grandpa (GGF) was irate with Sam because thirteen-year-old David insisted on burying his stuffed teddy bear after it got run over by a tractor, and Grandpa was concerned that David wouldn’t grow up to man the farm one day. David’s mom, Alice, received only half of a delivery because the family credit was down and they could only pay for half. She sent David and his older teenage sister, Lauren, out the door to school, and when David complained that he was in his barn clothes, Alice told him there was no time to change otherwise he would miss the bus. At school, Kelly Littleton played the auctioneer and auctioned off eighth-grade students to other eighth-grade students (with some of the bidding going over $60) so then they could force the “slaves,” they purchased to do anything the slaveholders wanted within reason during school hour the following day. Nobody wanted to bid on David, but then Bart decided to bid $1 just he could spend a day tormenting David the farm boy. Later that night, the parents broke the news to their kids that they couldn’t pay the bills and would have to sell the farm to a land-developer. The next day at school, Bart forced his slave David to dress up like a cow, and David went around squeezing the teats on the udder attached to his costume and pretending to squirt milk into the other kids’ milk cartons. David was then taken outside for his lunch, where he got down on all fours and Bart smushed his face into a plate of food until a teacher came and brought David inside but didn’t discipline Bart or all the kids standing around laughing at David. Lauren and David came up with an idea to raise money and told their parents that they wanted to make a CD of the siblings singing to save the farm. Elder teen Alice replied that a recording artist named Phillip heard the kids at the beach the previous day when they sang to the crowd for small donations, and perhaps they could sign with Phillip and get the CD produced. However, adult Phillip was on the shady side and contacted someone named Rocco. Phillip was really only interested in Lauren, his pop princess project, but he needed to get David out of his hair by appeasing him and helping him with his CD so Phillip could get to Lauren. David and Grandpa tried to get into a recording studio but couldn’t pay the $12000, so a female offered them use of the recording studio in her house for no more than $2,000. Creepy Phillip called Lauren alone into his office and told her that she had the superior voice and didn’t need David to make the CD. Phillip added that David was keeping Lauren from making it big because he knew he was dorky, and needed Lauren’s good looks to have a chance. Lauren’s parents didn’t think the adult man Phillip had the best intentions for their daughter in a singing contract because he was trying to exclude David. However, Lauren believed Phillip’s words and he clearly was a very bad influence on the teen female, which made Lauren tell David that she wasn’t going to do the CD with him. David called his classmate Kelly and asked her if she would sing with him, and she agreed after getting permission from her parents. Grandpa made David and Lauren see their wrong by telling them the story of how he and his friend Brad figured out they could make fake rubber from milkweed. Grandpa wanted to do something with the idea, but Brad wanted fast cash so he sold the idea to a tire company that made a production plant out of milkweed tires. Brad later came to apologize to Grandpa, but Grandpa slammed the door in his face and said he lost not only his idea, but also his best friend. Another day, Grandpa walked out of the house and left David to invite Kelly into the house to practice singing. David had hidden the dozens of stuffed animals in his bedroom so Kelly wouldn’t see them. Grandpa drove Kelly home afterwards, where David was at a loss of words because he liked Kelly and had a crush on her but was too shy to say it and so he made Kelly believe that he didn’t like her at all. He was also dealing with his voice cracking while he sang, which was an embarrassing for him. The shifty and criminal land-developer called someone on the phone and told the person that he was going to have the Bird family signing the farm away to him because he poisoned one of their horses. As a result, the vet put the family’s horse down (euthanized) because the family didn’t have enough money to take the horse to the clinic to be diagnosed and treated. David and Kelly started recording in the studio. The family then held a fundraiser at their farm, where everybody danced and they raised money from selling the CDs, which amounted to a little more than $9,000. Sam told Alice that they needed $50,000 more, and she convinced him to stall for two more weeks. David asked Kelly out on a date, but she replied that she couldn’t go. Grandpa suggested that David get a distributor to help with promotion, and Jonathan, David’s new friend from school, mentioned that his dad (the land-developer) once knew a distributor so Jonathan pretended to help and called his dad.The land developer set it all up so Fred and David met with a female distributor setup at a fake shop in town, who agreed to promote their CD for the next two weeks and design a new CD layout all for the grand total of $5,000. David gave the female actress his cash money and then made an appointment for the following day to review the design work. However, when David and Grandpa went back into town the next day, they discovered that the building was locked up and there was a for-rent sign in the window and the evil woman (took advantage of elder and child) was long gone. Grandpa Fred told David that they had been conned but to let it go (not to go to the police). While Fred was at the general store, the clerk told Grandpa that there was an upcoming concert the following week to raise awareness for the farmland issue. After Kelly agreed to sing with David at the fundraising concert (got permission from her parents), she told him that the only reason she turned down his date offer was because her parents said she was too young to date, even though the young girl would have liked to go out with David. Meanwhile, the land developer told his son and another goon in his car not to screw up his next plan to steal from, create more devestation with added expenses while ultimately making the Bird family homeless. Later on, Grandpa Fred arrived at the building to drop off the cds to sell in his car. The plot thickened though when Jonathan (the criminal mastermind’s son) pretended to hurt his knee in front of Grandpa to distract Fred while the other delinquent young adult male could steal Grandpa’s car with all the CDs in the trunk. Grandpa tried to go after him, but Jonathan grabbed the elderly man’s leg and that caused him to fall hard to the ground and Grandpa hit his head hard on the pavement that knocked him unconcious. Wicked Jonathan then called for David inside the building and Jonathan then pretended he knew nothing about the ordeal and no doubt passed it off, as Fred must have tripped. Grandpa ended up in the hospital with a head injury, where he woke up and told his grandson to go sing anyway even though the CDs were gone because Grandpa didn’t want the criminals to get the better of the Bird family. Alice stayed behind with Grandpa, and Sam and Lauren went to the concert. Sam told David that he was on the news as the announcer declared that David and Kelly were about to go onstage. The announcer then yelled into the microphone his excitement that the punk who stole Grandpa’s car was apprehended and arrested, and the CDs were recovered and would be on sale after the show. Adrian Messick reported live from news 7 the protestors outside holding signs to support the farmland. In the end, Lauren rode a horse and David and Kelly happily walked around the farm with the rest of the Bird family about too, because, it appeared but wasn’t real clear, that the family was able to keep their Bird land. The Dove Foundation gave this movie four Doves and on the cover art said “A wholesome family film.” The Independent Critic said “…A wonderful film for the entire family.” The front movie cover art, it had a family featuring a little girl with very long braids, a Labrador Retriever, a blond hair mom, and a tall straight-walking dad. However, in the actual movie it was a young teen boy, an older mom with dark hair, an older dad who walked crooked with a cane, and the dog was an Australian Cattle Dog. 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/24/23

TITLE: The Cheetah Girls 2

BOX OFFICE RATED: TV-G (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006 Walt Disney Home Entertainment/A Disney Channel Original Movie/BrownHouse Productions/Martin Chase Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a teen girl band, The Cheetah Girls (Galleria, Chanel, and Dorinda from New York City, and Aqua from Houston, Texas), performing at a high school graduation party in Manhattan, which also marked the end of the girl band’s high school junior year. Galleria’s mom, Dorothea, informed her that the Cheetahs couldn’t spend their entire summer rehearsing for more shows because they were needed to go to Dorothea’s cousin at Martha’s Vineyard for a few weeks. Chanel then found out that her mom, Juanita, was bringing her to Barcelona, Spain for a month to stay with Juanita’s boyfriend, Luc. Chanel discussed with Galleria how she didn’t like Luc, and then Chanel tried to convince her mom to let the rest of the Cheetahs come along for the trip. Juanita replied that it would be rude to ask Luc to host more people at his villa.Later that night, the Cheetahs hung out in Galleria’s room. They saw a shooting star and wished to go to Barcelona, and then a breeze blew through the window and turned a magazine page to the Barcelona summer music festival. The girls realized that competing in the New Voices Competition was their chance to get to Barcelona, and even though the entry deadline was a week late, they planned to call in a few hours when it was not four in the morning in Barcelona. The Cheetahs got up at four a.m. in Manhattan and called, and when they were told them they couldn’t audition, the foursome sang their hit song “Sisters,” into the phone and were then told to apply so they could get an appointment with the festival director in Barcelona the following week. The next day, the girls broke the news to Juanita and Dorothea and told them that they all talked to their parents and it was okay for them to go to Barcelona. Juanita only agreed to take the four girls to Spain once Dorothea agreed she would come along too. At the airport, Galleria told her girlfriends that they were no longer American divas-in-training, they were now international superstars-in-training. On their first day in Barcelona, the underage teen girls went shopping and then sang, “Strut” as they danced down the streets to show Barcelona that the Cheetahs had arrived. They then retired to Luc’s villa for the night. The next day, the Cheetahs went to meet with the festival director, and they were unprepared for the live audition he demanded because they brought along their CDs and pictures from their last performance hoping that would get them into the competition, but luckily their very short performance of “Sisters,” managed to do that. They returned to the villa, where Count Joaquin, Luc’s summer intern and godson, appeared and said he would sign the girls up for Open Mike night at the Dancing Cat, the club where the competitors did shows before the festival. Joaquin invited Dorinda to come to the dance studio Luc owned, where they danced tango and Dorinda agreed to teach a hip-hop class there sometime. The girls and Joaquin went to the Dancing Cat that night, where they sang a song in Spanish with Marisol, the homegrown favorite to win. Marisol’s mom, Lola Duran, then told the girls that winning the competition was all about going to the right parties and singing the right songs, and that she could open a lot of doors for them since she knew everybody there and so the Cheetahs should think of her as their Spanish mama. However, the next day it was revealed that Marisol’s mom, Lola, had a different plan altogether and told her daughter that she and Chanel singing together was magic and could be the answer to Marisol winning this year, her third try, and going to America. Dorinda was supposed to meet with Joaquin for lunch, but when he arrived at the studio where Dorinda waited for him, Joaquin sent away his friends in suits instead of introducing them to Dorinda. She pointed out how different she and Joaquin were because he danced for a hobby and she danced because it was her life, and she walked out on him. Galleria told Dorothea that she wanted to go home because the girls didn’t have their minds on rehearsal and Galleria didn’t want to go onstage and embarrass herself since Dorinda was spending her time with Joaquin, Chanel hung out with Marisol, and Aqua was busy doing fashion designs. Galleria’s plan was to fly back to America with her dad, who was coming home from a business trip in Hong Kong. When Chanel found out Galleria was leaving, she wanted to talk to her, but Juanita and Dorothea told her that it was too late in the day and they all needed to go to bed and wait until the next morning. However, Galleria wasn’t in her room in the morning, and the girls found a note saying she left for the train station. They went to the station in their PJs and sang “Amigas Cheetahs,” to Galleria hoping to make amends because she wrote that song. Galleria ended up forgiving her girlfriends. Back at the villa, Chanel overheard Juanita telling Dorothea that maybe Luc hadn’t asked Juanita to marry him because he knew Chanel didn’t like him. Chanel went to Luc and apologized for not trusting him and standing between him and Juanita. She did that because she didn’t want her mom to be hurt again by someone who said they loved her, but now Chanel realized that she was wrong and Luc truly did love Juanita. That led to Luc proposing to Juanita and her saying yes, while teen Dorinda and Joaquin made amends and kissed right before a Cheetah Girls rehearsal. The Cheetahs then performed at the Dancing Cat, and the next day the festival director told them they couldn’t sing at the competition because it was for amateurs only and the Cheetahs took home money for the club performance, which made them professionals. It turned out this was all part of Marisol’s mom’s (Lola) plan, who arranged for the girls to get paid at the club so the Cheetah Girls band, as a group, would get disqualified out of the competition. The fake and high roller actress Lola then came to the rescue and suggested that Chanel represent her group by singing with Marisol. Chanel’s girlfriends reassured her they were okay with that because they didn’t come all that way for nothing. Chanel and Marisol only practiced for a short amount of time before the festival director announced that his nephew, Angel, found out about Lola’s scheme and told the director what really happened, so the director apologized and wished the teen Cheetah Girls good luck in the competition. Marisol decided to pull out of the competition because she didn’t want to win ungodly Lola’s way, and then the Cheetah Girls went onstage. During their song “Amigas, Cheetahs,” they called Marisol up onstage to sing Spanish lyrics with them and that impressed the heavily Spanish crowd even more so they won. The Cheetah Girls then sang at Juanita and Luc’s wedding where they would live in New York and not Spain. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/23/23

TITLE: Little Miss Dolittle 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2019 Echo Bridge Entertainment/Dreamtool Entertainment/SP Releasing/Sony Pictures Deutschland Entertainment/Deutsche Columbia Pictures/Filmproduction Velvet Films/Cine Plus

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie takes place in Oberschnepfenheim with the Susewind family. It began with Regina asking her husband Ferdinand where their eleven-year-old daughter Liliane (Lilli) was, and Ferdinand replied that he didn’t know because he was currently writing a romance book with a Chinese setting. As Lilli rode away on her bicycle with her little dog Bonsai, and as (mom) Regina left the house for the day in her car, both of Lilli’s parents told their daughter no Armageddon as Ferdinand (dad) drank water from the flower vase with flowers inside. Regina later covered a local news report that unveiled Mayor Beauregard Gockel’s new statue in town. However, the ceremony was interrupted by Anton the donkey (who thought he was a unicorn stuck in a donkey’s body) and ran down the red carpet after he and Lilli had a race. Anton smashed through the fence to freedom. Beauregard climbed up the pillar holding his statue and straddled it with his legs as Anton approached, and then Beauregard slid down to the ground and the donkey had diarrhea all over the mayor’s face. Mayor Beauregard told Regina he wanted her gone in 24 hours because of the incident with her daughter. At home, Regina discussed it with Ferdinand telling him this was Lilli’s seventh termination and the fifth time they had moved in about three years. Regina said that Lilli’s talking-to-animals nonsense needed to stop because it always caused disaster. Lilli overheard and told her parents that she swore, on her honor, that she would never speak to animals again (except for Bonsai) and she would find human friends. The family moved into a new house, and as Lilli was in the bathroom getting ready for school, she found (dad) Ferdinand snoring in his undershorts in the tub because he got the bedroom mixed up with the bathroom. On Lilli’s first day at her new school, she ran into a group of popular girls, the snotty leader of which, Trixi, initiated Lilli into her clique and gave her Lil-Ann as a new name. She told Lilli that she had an upcoming 12th birthday party and would invite Lilli if she proved herself worthy of being Trixi’s girlfriend. Mr. Gumnich announced that the students would spend the next three days at the Paradisia zoo belonging to Dr. Oberst Essig-Steinmeier as part of a school project. The small zoo had been closed for a year, but it was scheduled to reopen in three days and the kids were going to help with the remodeling.  Dr. Oberst saved Anton from the mayor’s wrath about the crap incident, and Anton and the other animals tried to warn Lilli that animals were mysteriously disappearing from the zoo, but she refused to listen to them in her attempt to be “normal.” The kids were introduced to Ronnie the baby elephant, who was frightened by Trixi coming into the enclosure to get a selfie with him. Ronnie sprayed snot in Trixi’s face because Ronnie had a cold. Lilli spotted Oberst’s young nephew, Jess, spying on her talking to Bonsai, and she followed Jess to his hidden workshop. They agreed to tell each other their secrets. Jess said he hid his inventions in the workshop because he didn’t want anyone to know that he was gifted, which he thought made him a freak. Lilli admitted she could talk to animals and told Jess what the zoo animals said about the disappearance of a kangaroo and two turtles. That night, a female named Vanessa (all in black with her black leather skintight bodysuit, heavy dark eye makeup, and claws attached to her gloves like a cat woman) stole Rumpelstiltskin the penguin. The next morning, Oberst wasn’t happy to hear the news, and so the eccentric and mentally challenged doctor took out her rifle and stood guard telling Tierpfleger Toni the zookeeper not to tell the children about Rumpelstiltskin. Toni lied to the kids that Oberst only had a dart gun. Lilli and Jess discovered that one of the two penguins at the Paradisia was missing, and the kids figured out what was going and decided to take matters into their own hands to protect the animals from the thieves. They tried to recruit Trixi to help them, but of course she said no. Two of her girlfriends wanted to help, but they immediately sided with Trixi when she threatened to uninvite them from her party. Regina did a TV interview telling the viewers to follow the example of the kids working on the farm who were currently mucking out the donkey’s pen. Lauralein (Laura) from Trixi’s group decided she wanted to help Lilli and Jess, and Trixi told the trio that they were out and for them the party had died. The kids plotted to sneak out of their houses and meet in front of Paradisia at nine p.m. However, Toni, who was now on guard with a gun, spotted them. Toni escorted them back out the gate telling them he had everything under control and not to tell their parents they were at the zoo. Toni was actually in on the animal-stealing scheme with Vanessa, who flirted with him endlessly to get his help. He told Vanessa he wasn’t going to help her anymore, and so she tried to use fake tears to get him to do her bidding. Toni, in a trance-like state, confirmed that he loved Vanessa and would do anything for her by allowing her to put a maggot in his mouth and then chewing and swallowing it. Toni left to get Ronnie as instructed by evil Vanessa. The next morning, Jess called Lilli and told her that Ronnie had been stolen. She ran past the police tape surrounding the crime scene, and the dopey officer standing there got all wrapped up in the tape and stumbled to the ground when he tried to stop her. The other police officer announced on Regina’s TV channel that the reopening ceremony would be canceled for security reasons. Lilli figured it out and told Jess that Toni must have stolen Ronnie because the bad guy was always the one you least expected (like the gardener in a murder story). The young children went alone to the building where Ronnie’s sick mother, Martha, was recuperating. Lilli told Martha that Ronnie was gone, and that upset Martha. Oberst came running and yelled at the kids asking them if they were trying to kill Martha because she needed her rest and not to be bothered. Regina tried to intervene, and Oberst said she didn’t want to see Regina or Lilli at Paradisia again. In the car, Regina was upset that Lilli lied to her about not talking to animals anymore. She said it was up to the police to find Ronnie, but Lilli replied that would never happen because the police were idiots. Regina put Lilli under house arrest and said she would not leave until Regina was sure Lilli was not a danger for any animals. Jess called Lilli and told her that her gift wasn’t a curse like she thought, and that convinced Lilli that they needed to go on another thief hunt and rescue the animals. She tried to tell her parents she was going to Jess’s house, but her mom ignored her and walked away listening to the ending of Ferdinand’s Chinese romance book and telling him she loved her husband. All the kids deserted Trixi’s birthday party to help Lilli and Jess. Laura went to get Bonsai from Trixi, who captured Bonsai. Trixi tried to put Bonsai in an enclosure with a snake, but the dog ended up peeing in Trixi’s face as her friends recorded it on their cell phones. Bonsai escaped, and Trixi went after him. Bonsai ran into Vanessa coming out of the bank with a suitcase of money she got from selling the animals, and she put Bonsai in her car just as Trixi appeared and told Vanessa that was her dog. Vanessa paid Trixi for Bonsai with some of the money, and then she sped off to meet with her helper, Käpt’n Schwarzer, who was currently eating a bug she just roasted while she waited at the freight yard for Vanessa’s arrival. Lilli and Jess followed Vanessa to where she was keeping the stolen animals in cages. They discovered that Vanessa was selling the animals for food (baby elephant dumplings and turtle chips), but then Vanessa appeared and locked Lilli and Jess (girls) in cages. Regina tried to call Lilli again, but she couldn’t answer because her phone wasn’t in the cage with her. Vanessa told the kids that her plan was perfect and nothing would happen to her because she set up Toni to steal the animals so he would be the one who went to jail. The other kids arrived and got Lilli and Jess out of the cages, and then Trixi on the phone told Lilli that she sold Lilli’s dog to the witch Vanessa because Lilli ruined Trixi’s party by taking away the guests. Trixi was mad that she was no longer the center of attention, even though it appeared nobody wanted to go to her party anyway and she was pressuring them to attend and made it a big deal. Regina called, and Lilli told her mom  (as though the child were in charge) that she wasn’t coming home yet because she needed to go the old freight yard and stop the animal thieves. Vanessa told Toni on the phone that she was done with him (because the ungodly female got what she wanted from him and no longer needed him). Toni confessed to Oberst that he lied and stole the animals. While Lilli’s parents were in the car headed to the freight yard, Regina called Oberst and told her where the kids were. Dr. Oberst told Toni he had one chance to help her. The boys tied Schwarzer up while the girls cornered Vanessa, but then Vanessa told them to back off and untie Schwarzer otherwise she would hurt Bonsai with the knife that she was holding to his head. Oberst and Toni were nearby watching, and Toni fired a tranquilizer dart at that moment and it landed in Vanessa’s butt and she fell unconscious to the ground. Dr. Obsert called the police and told them about the thief who was apprehended, and the officer behind the wheel sped off to the freight yard with the other officer hanging halfway out the open door of his side of the car. Schwarzer tried to take Lilli as a hostage, but Lilli knocked her out with a frying pan just as her parents and the police arrived. Paradisia was reopened, Martha recovered, and the animals were rescued and returned to the zoo. Lilli’s parents told her they would never again hide her gift and they loved her exactly the way she was. 

 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/22/23

TITLE: Show Dogs 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for God’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 Universal Pictures/Global Road Entertainment/Riverstone Pictures/Wales Screen/Lipsync/Entertainment One (Canada)/Kintop Pictures/Alive Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with smugglers coming in by boat at night to the docks, where NYPD Rottweiler police dog Max waited to take them down solo and didn’t want the help of the “Pigeon PD.” A police car was hidden in was the shadows watching the exchange of suitcases and money for an eight-week-old panda cub named Ling Li who was smuggled out of the Beijing Zoo. The Mastiff that belonged to the bad guys attacked Max, but K9 Max threw the attacker off the pier into the water. Max then took down one of the guys in the car and ripped the fake beard off his face, revealing he was actually undercover FBI Agent Frank Nichols. The NYPD weren’t happy they didn’t get the memo about the FBI being on the same case, and Frank called Max a rogue police dog. It turned into a competition between the human FBI agent and the canine police officer with both chasing down Petey, one of the criminals, on foot and Frank saying he was going to put Max on a leash and have the dog neutered. Agent Frank fell over garbage in the alley, and top cop Max continued after Petey and cornered him. Frank called for his FBI backup car and it came screeching around the corner, and as he was handcuffing Petey, officer Max decided to take a bite out of federal Frank’s behind. The next day at the NYPD station, Chinese officials demanded to know where their panda was, while in another room the FBI argued with the NYPD about whose investigation it was. The NYPD Police Chief reminded FBI agents Frank and his FBI female companion about the other animal-theft investigations they blew, and the FBI stormed out of the room. Max and two other police dogs watched FBI Frank interrogate Petey. Frank’s “bad cop,” display wasn’t working, but Petey confessed everything he knew when he saw Officer Max on the other side of the window barking viciously at him. Petey’s associates planned to sell the panda at the Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, where the Canini Invitational, the world’s most prestigious dog show with the top 50 dog dogs in the world competing, would take place. The criminals would use the dog show as a front for animal smuggling, and celebrities, tech titans, Chinese billionaires, and anybody rich enough to stock their own private zoos would be there. The NYPD Chief suggested that FBI Frank (with a new handler identity as Wellington Upstill) team up with Police Officer Max to enter the dog show as contestants, and despite Frank’s protests the two were put on a flight to Vegas. When they arrived, officer Max ran off to do some real police work while FBI Frank met with Mattie Smith, the FBI’s canine consultant. Frank asked if he could rent a dog for the show since Max was gone, but Mattie told him he shouldn’t be working with dogs and kicked him out of her trailer. Max’s plan was to get advice on how to be a show dog from Philippe de Fabulous, a champion European Papillon (pah-pee-on) whose owner, Chauncey Middleton, used fillers and plumpers on Philippe’s growl lines for a competition. That caused Philippe to be disqualified and after that the Papillon went crazy and attacked the judges, and he ended up in the local animal shelter. Max infiltrated the building by pretending to be injured and fake limped over to the employee who was closing up for the night so he could get inside. The man put Max in one of the cages, but Max watched him key in the code on the lock. After the employee left, Max then reached through the bars and used his claws to punch in the code and let himself out. Officer Max found Philippe and they went to the opening night party, where a couple of dogs that looked like Papi and Chloe from Disney’s Beverly Hills Chihuahua were shown. Canini Invitational’s reigning Best in Show winners, Chauncey, and his Yorkie, Dante, then made an appearance. Philippe was angry to see that Chauncey replaced him with Dante, so Philippe bit Chauncey’s leg and barked him a traitor because he abandoned Philippe and ruined his life. Dante responded that grandpa (older Phillippe) ought to be put to sleep. FBI Agent Frank asked around about the baby panda, and a man (Klaus) approached him and invited him to a “party,” at a warehouse on the outskirts of town thinking FBI Frank was a potential buyer for the panda. Frank and the dogs checked into their hotel room, and officer Max commented that he couldn’t believe there was all that luxury and excess just for a dog show. Philippe slept on the bed next to FBI Frank, and officer Max slept on the floor in the bathroom. The next morning, the handlers went all out in bizarre outfits for the show, and with FBI consultant Mattie’s help Frank got Max ready for the first round. Max took first place only because he distracted the other Rottweilers (from Tennessee, Hopkinsville, Chicago and Deutschland and the males then found out their birth mom was there too from Hopkinsville, Kentucky and she explained she had a liiter on April 19th which was the birthdays of the four Rots in the show), who were all from the same bloodline but apparently didn’t know it even though they looked alike. The other Rot dogs were disqualified for the outburst, and Max won the round because he was the only one who didn’t participate. At the warehouse party, show dogs and humans gathered like during the opening night party. Max distracted a group of men talking in one of the rooms by making a dumb expression and scooting on the floor, and the men laughingly blamed the behavior of officer Max on inbreeding and left the room. Max looked for the bad guy, but there were many suspicious characters talking on phones around the room and he realized he needed help, the K9 officer deputized Sprinkles the pug and Philippe. Ling Li escaped from her cage in another room, and a goon named Berne chased her around the party. Frank ran into Klaus again and the (invitation) man told Agent Frank he wanted to breed Max to Persephone (female dog with a male voice), his mixed-breed dog. Frank turned him down and said his canine would choose what kind of love he wanted for himself, and then Berne grabbed Ling Li and brought her to the buyers to be sold for $10 million. Later that night, Max met with Daisy, FBI consult Mattie’s dog who said she would give the officer insider tips in exchange for him showing her what it was like to be leash-less like him. He took her around the city and served her dinner on a rooftop. However, the Pigeon PD from earlier then appeared and blurted out that Max was a cop. He explained that he was going undercover as a show dog for his mission and called dog shows fake and phony. Daisy misunderstood that Max thought the same thing of her, and she walked away. Officer Max won the agility round the next day. He then tried to attack the Spanish-accented Senor (male) Gabriel Esteban (some of the characters pronounced it Gabrielle like the female variation) and Gabriel’s white Komondor dog, Karma, because Officer Max figured out Gabriel was the smuggler.However, the two criminals got away and animal control took officer Max away into city custody for 24 hours because of the attack. FBI Agent Frank then figured out that Gabriel was responsible for the theft of the panda and the other animal kidnappings that were under FBI investigation, all of which coincided with an international dog show. FBI Frank realized that police officer Max already figured out Gabriel was behind it all, and the next day he got officer Max out of the pound. Philippe started training FBI Frank and Police Officer Max to become true partners in the show ring, and right before the final round FBI Frank put a GPS collar on Officer Max. The plan was for Officer Max to win the show and become the most valuable dog in the world so Gabriel would steal him and Frank would able to track Officer Max using the collar and they would find Ling Li and apprehend Gabriel. However, things didn’t go according to plan in the show ring (where a song with the lyrics “I’m sexy and I know it,” played) and Aussie Daisy won Best in Show. The bad guys stole Daisy from FBI K9 consultant Mattie, and Officer Max recruited the Pigeon PD to take his tracking collar and put it on the van that took Daisy away. FBI Frank, FBI consultant Mattie, and K9 Officer Max followed the van to a small airport, where Gabriel planned to send Daisy to a breeding mill in Ukraine. FBI Frank and Officer Max searched for a spot to break into the building. They found a high window that Officer Max could crawl through. FBI Frank helped Officer Max through the small open window. The K9 officer fell hard on the other side but was able to get the door open to let FBI Frank inside too. FBI Frank grabbed the panda’s cage and made a run for it when Gabriel, who held a gun on him, stopped the FBI agent. FBI Frank told Gabriel that the justice system rarely did anything to people that hurt animals, but Gabriel would get what he deserved if he shot a Federal Agent. Officer Max and Daisy then hijacked Gabriel’s private plane and drove it around the building while FBI Frank fought Gabriel. Mattie, the FBI consultant female hero, then did what FBI Frank the man could not, and punched Gabriel out. Apparently, it wasn’t hard enough though because Gabriel then took off in his plane. FBI Frank called for the plane to be tracked while Officer Max apologized to Daisy about what he said on the rooftop. In the end, the panda cub was returned to her mother at the Beijing China Zoo, Gabriel was arrested, and the other animals he had smuggled were rescued.Back in New York, Officer Max and FBI Frank were called about an animal sighting, and then they discovered that Persephone (female with a male voice trying to be female) was an undercover agent from Homeland Security. Persephone then told the NYPD Officer and FBI Agent that she had their next assignment. This movie had a budget of $5.5 million and grossed over $39 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed “Heartworming,” by Popluar Maltipoo and “4 Paws,” by the Daily Beagle, and “Fur-Out,” by the Woofington Post and “A tail you won’t forget,” by Good Housebroken Magazine.

 

DATE REVIEWED: 5/21/23

TITLE: BFG

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Walt Disney Entertainment/Walt Disney Studios/Amblin Entertainment/Reliance Entertainment/Walden Media/The Kennedy/Marshall Company/Mister Smith Entertainment/Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place at an orphanage in England, where a young orphan girl (under eleven) named Sophie was up at three in the morning for the “witching hour.” Outside, four drunken men left the bar and were in the streets causing all kinds of racket. Sophie opened the window and gave them an ultimatum to get out of there or she would call the coppers. The men skedaddled and went around the puddle of filthy water that they deemed contaminated. Sophie went to bed, but she was awakened by noises outside and looked out the window to see a giant hand reaching around the corner to pick up a trashcan that a group of alley cats knocked over. The giant spotted Sophie and grabbed her, taking her to his cave house in Giant Country. She was afraid the giant, whose name was Big Friendly Giant (BFG) was going to eat her because he was sharpening knives, but that hadn’t been his intention and he was just making dinner. He explained that he had to snatch Sophie away from the orphanage otherwise she would tell everybody that she saw a giant and he would probably be locked in a cage. Sophie said she wouldn’t tell anybody, but BFG refused to take her home and said she needed to stay there with him for the rest of her life, and that if she tried to escape the other nine giants in the area (Fleshlumpeater, Bloodbottler, Maidmasher, Manhugger, Butcher Boy, Bonecruncher, Childchewer, Gizzardgulper, and Meatdripper) would eat her. The next day, BFG was headed out to go catch dreams for his job, and he didn’t want to bring Sophie along but she convinced him by telling him that they couldn’t keep secrets from each other, not to mention the other giants would eat her alive while BFG was gone and her blood would be on his hands. They went to a magical tree in Dream Country, where dreams in the form of glowing orbs gathered and BFG captured them and put them in jars. After they went into the city so BFG could use his trumpet device to put good dreams in people’s heads, he and Sophie spotted the other giants in the distance. BFG realized that Sophie dropped her blanket and the giants found it, so now they knew BFG was hiding a human from them. BFG dropped Sophie off outside the orphanage because it was no longer safe for her to be with him, and when she protested he told her about the human boy who taught him how to read. The boy spotted BFG and was taken to Giant Country, and BFG had the opportunity to take the boy back home but it was too late because the giants ate him. Sophie said she wasn’t scared, but BFG didn’t want the same thing to happen to her. He started to walk away but then had a change of heart and he took Sophie back to Giant Country. However, the other giants stormed into BFG’s workshop, where they all sniffed Sophie’s blanket and then tried to sniff her out like bloodhounds. They turned the place upside down, breaking jars and releasing the dreams BFG had captured for his work. They got a little too close to finding Sophie, who kept moving to different hiding spots, so BFG took a torch and touched the fire to the behinds of some of the giants to get them out of his workshop. Sophie came up with a plan to get rid of the human-eating giants. BFG created a dream that he would give the queen of England, and then he and Sophie snuck past the guards posted outside Buckingham Palace to the queen’s window. A female named Mary heard the queen’s cries in her sleep and came running, and the queen explained that she dreamt in bloody, vivid detail that giants were eating children. Mary showed the queen the newspaper article about children disappearing in the night, which coincided with the queen’s strange dream. When Mary opened the window, everyone was shocked to see Sophie standing on the windowsill. The queen said that she remembered from her dream a little girl who needed her help, and Sophie introduced BFG. Sophie and BFG then dined with the queen inside the palace. BFG presented a gift to the queen, which was a bottle of his green frobscottle drink with a British flag wrapped around the bottle. Because the bubbles in the drink were going down, it caused everyone who drank the frobscottle, even the queen’s corgis, to fart instead of burp, which would happen if the bubbles were up like in a regular fizzy soda drink. The generals followed BFG to Giant Country, where BFG prepared bad dreams to give the others giants as part of his plan. However, he then realized that he left his dream trumpet back at the palace. Sophie decided to run out into the circle of sleeping giants and was about to unleash the dreams when one of them awoke and was about to eat her. Sophie quickly broke the jar, and the orbs went into the giants’ heads and they started having dreams of regret for being cannibals and very bad giants. The generals in their helicopters took this opportunity to lift the giants up into the air in nets and then dropped them into the ocean, where they were forced to swim to shore on a remote island and the queen left them with a supply of snozzcumbers (green vegetable resembling a cucumber) to eat and not humans. BFG returned to his home in Giant Country, and Sophie stayed at the palace. The movie cover art had Peter Debruge, Variety, “Instant family classic,” and Stephen Garrett, New York Observer “Undeniably magical.” This film had a budget of $140 million and grossed over $195 million at the box office. 

  

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/20/23

TITLE: October Baby 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011  20thCentury Fox/Samuel Goldwyn Films/American Family Studios/Provident Films/Gravitas

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with two young male and female children alone jumping off a dock together. The scene changed to Grace and Jacob Lawson just making it on time to their nineteen-year-old daughter’s (Hannah Lawson) college play, because student Truman tried to hold them up at the door and charge them extra. In the audience, another student (Jason) showed up with his girlfriend, Alanna, and they had front row tickets. It was an original play called Annabella at the university and written by the Professor himself. Hannah the lead female was backstage with her inhalor and nervous about performing and she was upset that Jason brought a date with him. As she said her lines as Annabella, her doctor dad recognized that she was not speaking them as written because Hannah was having a medical emergency onstage and was very dizzy. Her leading man-acting counterpart whispered to Hannah to get it together because she was messing up and embarrassing him. Hannah then passed out and everybody in the crowd thought it was part of the act except for her dad, who ran onto the stage to help her while her mom called 911 and the dad yelled for Desmond’s character to get Hannah’s inhaler from her bag as dad tried to keep Hannah conscious. On the hospital roof, Hannah wrote in her journal and then she went into the hospital and asked where she could find Dr. Jacob Lawson, her dad. She found him with Dr. Stewart, and Jacob lied and said the test results weren’t back yet and Stewart thought it was best that Hannah go home with her family that night. Hannah went to her room to get changed out of her hospital attire and flipflops. In her journal, Hannah wrote, “I am drowning. Seems like I can’t breathe…” When Hannah went back to rehearsal at the university, she noticed the drama king professor had replaced her with another female and they all were currently practicing. The next day, Hannah, her mom and dad met with Dr. Stewart.  Dr. Stewart looked at the test results, and stated that they needed to revisit their current treatment of Hannah’s epilepsy and he added that stress, sleep deprivation and alcohol could increase her risk of seizures. It was a concern because Hannah hadn’t had a seizure since childhood so Dr. Stewart asked her about drugs, but Hannah quickly replied she didn’t do that, drink, or smoke. He discussed her surgeries and medical conditions when she was younger and the number of seizures she used to have. Stewart went on to explain that Hannah was a very premature baby having been born 24 weeks early, and as a result her medical condition she was experiencing was possibly from low birth weight and premature birth. Stewart went on to tell Hannah they were concerned over her physical and emotional issues, and when she questioned emotional he pulled out a piece of paper from his desk drawer which he said Jacob e-mailed to him because Grace had found her journal one day when she was doing the laundry in Hannah’s room and was very concerned about her daughter’s mental state. It read that Hannah felt dead inside, but something worse than death because she was still a child trying to find a place in the world. It went on that she had many unanswered questions she couldn’t speak of because there were no words to express them. She added why did she spend more time wanting to end her life than live it. It was then revealed that Hannah was adopted, and Jacob explained to Hannah that she was born premature and only because it was a failed abortion. Dr. Stewart said he couldn’t treat Hannah’s mental issues and could only help with the physical part and suggested she go see a psychiatrist right away (God was not part of the conversation). He added a new medication on top of her current medication to help with the seizures. Hannah decided that she wanted to desert her parents and left the room instead of thanking them for lovingly raising her all those years and helping her through no matter what. Hannah found a quiet place on the dock to call Jason, who was in the middle of trying to put out a real fire with one of the special people behind him and his girlfriend Alanna in the background glaring at him and he told Hannah she would have to be called back. Hannah walked in on her parents at home discussing how Jacob didn’t tell Grace about sending the e-mail to his doctor friend at work and having the adoption revealed to their daughter in that manner. Dad told her that she couldn’t know her birth mother because he didn’t know her after Hannah asked about it, and dad said they were her parents and then mom went and got Hannah’s birth certificate to show her. Hannah went outside with the birth certificate and sat by herself in the dark on the dock by the lake and a car drove up so she took out her pepper spray, but it was Jason and he told her to put it down because it was only he. She told Jason her whole story of how her birth mother tried to abort her and she wasn’t supposed to survive but she did just barely and that all her parents would let her know about her past was that she was born in a hospital in Mobile, Alabama, which was 12 hours away. Hannah felt like she needed to get answers to some questions she might have about the person who wanted to be rid of her before her life was even started and thought by going to Mobile she could get the answers. Instead of talking to her parents, Hannah confided in a boy who was going to lead her in the wrong direction and far from the family that loved and protected her. Hannah blamed her lifelong medical complications caused by the birth mother on her real parents (Grace and Jacob) versus connecting with God so she could live each day in a loving and healthy way. Jason tried to tell Hannah that things would get better, but Alanna interrupted him on his phone. While Jason spoke to Alanna, Hannah used her inhaler because she was stressed about the interruption, just as she was stressed right before going on stage when Jason told her that Alanna was with him to watch her performance. After the call, Jason told Hannah that he would take her to Alabama (because she had no transportation herself) even though they had upcoming exams and needed to study, so she called him a stalker and agreed to it. Apparently, Jason had already planned a road trip with a few others but had no idea where they were going yet. When Jascn went to visit one of his male friends, Truman showed him the Scooby-Doo type van they would be traveling in. Jason said he knew where they were going now (Alabama stop) for their road trip. In the next scene, Truman showed up at the library and wanted to find out if Hannah had a wild side and wanted to take her to Mardi gras in New Orleans for spring break. Truman repeated Jason’s words loudly “It’s now or never,” for Hannah to go on the trip and everybody in the library tried to shush him because he was being so loud. Dr. Lawson then decided to visit Jason and Truman. Truman’s hippie cousin Bmac (Jerry Garcia look-alike) happened to be there and told Jacob that his van name was Evelyn. Bmac told Jacob that he was driving them on their road trip because Evelyn was his baby. Jacob asked for a private conversation with Jason because Bmac wouldn’t reveal his real name and Jacob was at his limit with Bmac. Dr. Lawson asked Jason why he invited Hannah on the road trip knowing she was sick. Bmac asked Truman what Hannah’s dad’s problem was, and Truman replied that it was because of Bmac’s beard and he looked like the Unabomber. Jason lied and said that he thought Hannah might have fun and didn’t tell Jacob the truth that he planned on taking her to track down the female who didn’t want her in the first place. Jacob told Jason that he wanted him to take his side on the Hannah situation and Jacob walked away after Jason agreed since Hannah wasn’t talking to Jacob. The next morning, Jacob told Grace that he had a good talk with Hannah about the trip and how he didn’t think she should go and it would be better if she stayed home. Jacob added that he told Hannah that her parents trusted her to make the right decision and Jacob believed she would decide to stay. However, attached to the coffeepot was a note from Hannah telling her parents she decided to go and would be back soon. The van with four boys and three girls hit the road to Alabama then on to New Orleans with Bmac driving. Diego put on his headphones because he didn’t want to be part of the conversation in the van. Alongside a beach campfire that night, Bmac sang to everybody with his guitar because they weren’t staying in lodging along the way. However, they were interrupted because a police officer was by their van and Bmac told the officer he hadn’t been drinking. The officer couldn’t understand how he ended up on the sand because it was a land preserve for endangered turtle eggs and then the officer showed the sign with his flashlight that had a $5,000 fine for trespassing. When the officer told everybody to give him their names, Bmac questioned if he had to give his real name, and then Hannah chimed in because she didn’t want the vehicle impounded since they had no place else to go. She gave a story that she was trying to find her mother and this was the only chance she had because she recently (last week) discovered she was adopted and offered the cop money if they could be on their way. He refused to take the money and instead called the tow truck and helped get the vehicle out of the sand where it was stuck so the delinquents could be on their way. Back on the road, Bmac told Hannah he thought it was cool that she was trying to dig up her past, and then he immediately changed the subject in the next sentence and talked about unhealthy hamburgers and vegan tofu. As they pulled up outside a hotel, the teens talked about some guy named Jojoand how that was an unusual name for a male. They weren’t impressed with the hotel because it looked better on the Internet, and Bmac said where, at NormanBatesHotel.com and Truman replied that he saw it on HotelMonkey.biz.Bmac said he was sleeping in Evelyn while everybody else went into the hotel. Danielle paid double for her own room, so Hannah and Alanna were forced to share a room. In their room, Alanna watched Hannah take a bunch of prescription pills and commented on it. Alanna’s claws came out and she told Hannah that she was just using her medical conditions to make people feel sorry for her and told Hannah that Jason never wanted her to come on the trip and he was just too nice to say it. Even after that, Hannah tried to be nice to Alanna, but Alanna was hatefully mean and told her to go to sleep. Hannah got up in the middle of the night to get something out of the back of the van, which startled Bmac out of his sleep because he thought somebody was stealing his Evelyn van. Hannah grabbed her suitcase as Jason came out of his room and saw Hannah dressed in her hoodie and carrying her suitcase ready to leave. She yelled at Jason that she realized she was a problem and she never should have come on the trip and he could stay with his girlfriend and his posse and they could just all go to New Orleans. Bmac got out of the van and told Jason that he was a dead man because Hannah’s dad was scary and would kill Jason. Alanna came out of her room, but she also didn’t say anything and let Hannah walk away. The next day, as Hannah rolled her suitcase along the roadside, Jason stopped in his rental car and apologized that it took him so long because the only car rental place was by the airport. The others went on to New Orleans without Jason and Hannah. Jason said it didn’t matter what Alanna thought because it was his decision and he made it, and he told Hannah to get in the car and they were going to Mobile. They stopped and played by the ocean along the way as a boyfriend and girlfriend would do, and that made Hannah happy and she didn’t seem to be having any more seizures and was in her element because she got what she wanted, which was Jason. At one stop on the beach, Jason brought up a past memory of when he and Hannah were eight and nine and were with the Thompson kids and they raced each other to the beach, so then presently they got up and raced each other to the water holding hands as they did when they were youngsters. Dripping wet from coming out of the ocean, the love doves walked into a hotel and rented the cheapest room telling the employee that they weren’t together like that and would take whichever room he had available at the $99 Triple A rate. There was only one bed, so Hannah slept there and Jason took the floor, and she blurted out that she was a virgin and told him he was the popular college guy and they said their goodnights. However, Hannah couldn’t go to sleep and immediately sat up and told Jason he probably thought her some Christian homeschool freak because she hadn’t had sex before. She tried to tell Jason she had a wild side because she played Scrabble, but then she got out of bed and told Jason she couldn’t do what she was doing and grabbed her sheet and pillow knocking over the lamp to the floor on her way out to go sleep on the lobby couch. Jason followed her and told her she wasn’t a freak and decided to sleep on the other end of the couch with her. The hotel employee woke the two up the next morning with a bunch of people around and told Jason that no matter where they slept in the hotel, there was no refund even if they didn’t like the room. Later that morning, they arrived at the Mobile hospital where Hannah was born. It was closed, so Hannah’s wild side came out and Jason couldn’t believe she broke into the hospital, but she corrected him that the door was open. He told her it was the back door and she pried it open, and Hannah added that she used to wander in the old operating room at her dad’s hospital and the cool thing was, all the files and equipment were still there. Meanwhile, Jacob arrived home to Grace, who was sitting on the couch and told him she tried to call Hannah a couple of times but she didn’t answer her phone. Jacob said he didn’t think Hannah would ever grow up. They discussed how they hoped that Hannah would be able to see things from her parents’ perspective one day soon after they reminisced about how they raised her all these years. Grace said she thought it was time to tell Hannah everything and that they needed to trust their daughter to handle the truth, but Jacob didn’t think Hannah could handle the cold hard truth of her past. Meanwhile, Hannah Lawson and Jason Bradley had their mugshots taken by the Mobile Police Department for their hospital break-in. Jason made his one call to Alanna and told her that he and Hannah were arrested, and Alanna told him that since he got himself into the situation he could get himself out of it because she wasn’t helping him with the bail money to get out of jail and hung up on him. Hannah gave the officer her birth certificate and explained why she was at the hospital looking for some missing information on her birth, but it was a dead end because the hospital was closed. Hannah told the officer if he was going to put her in jail to just get it over with because her dad was going to kill her anyway. The officer mentioned Owens Free Clinic and laughed about the odds of what was happening because he had some bomb threats, death threats, and whatnot from that same clinic so there was a file on it at the department. He explained that there was a doctor and two nurses, and he remembered one of the nurses because she was very kind to him and her name was Mary Rutledge. The officer handed Hannah her birth certificate back along with the statement from the nurse who helped him at the hospital incident he went to. Hannah read that the name Mary Rutledge nurse that matched the same name on her birth certificate, so she wanted to know why the same nurse signed her certificate, as did his statement. The officer on his computer looked up Mary’s name in his police database and found out that her phone number was unlisted but there was an address that hadn’t been verified in a while, but he wrote it down to give to Hannah with Jason sitting in on the conversation. He let the teens go and wished them luck telling Hannah not to worry about what they put in the computer on Hannah and Jason, and he apologized for the misunderstanding and had them leave because he was probably going to fix the computer system after they left as thought they were never booked by erasing the records of them being there. He added that he hoped they didn’t think badly of the city and welcomed them back again, and he told them Jackie in the lobby would get their stuff and check them out so they could go free. The officer asked Hannah before she left what she would say if she found her birth mother, and Hannah replied she had no idea. He said his wife had a saying “To be human is to be beautifully flawed,” and that she was five months’ pregnant with their fourth child and he understood what Hannah was going through and how hard it must be. He added that life wasn’t always black and white and to hate the crime, not the criminal. Jason drove Hannah to the apartment address, and she told him to wait in the car. Mary answered the door and invited Hannah in after Hannah showed her the birth certificate and asked her why she signed it. Hannah explained that a police officer recognized Mary’s signature and that was how Hannah was able to track Mary down. Mary knew right away it was Sergeant Dodd who helped Hannah. Mary started talking about how the birth mom was barely eighteen when Hannah was born and how the nurse wasn’t much older than that. Mary said that she was the nurse who took Hannah’s birth mom into the back to prep her for the abortion and that she tried to convince herself she was making the right decision by aborting the baby and that she didn’t even know who the birth dad was because they met at a bar and had a one-night stand together and then he was gone. Mary said she listened to that female as she did hundreds of females before Hannah’s birth mom and added that for some of those girls, Mary was their only friend. During the abortion procedure, something went wrong and when Mary came into the room, the doctor told it was a failed attempt, which was normal for that doctor and that terrible, unspeakable things that the nurse at the abortion clinic had to do. Mary went on to say that when you hear something enough times, sometimes you start to believe it. She explained that they were told it was nonviable tissue that couldn’t survive, but as it turned out Hannah’s birth mom came back the next day saying she wanted to finish the abortion procedure because she had to go school and she wanted a career and she couldn’t do that with a baby so abortion was the only way she could make her future happen. Mary said she took one look at the female and knew she was in labor, but she was too young and naïve to know it. Mary had two choices, and she chose to take the birth mother to the hospital versus kill the baby, and the birth mother begged Mary to stay because the nurse was the only one she had, so Mary did. Mary told Hannah her brother came first, and Hannah was choked up because she didn’t know she had a brother. That’s when Mary told Hannah that her birth mother carried twins, and she explained that the boy came first and he was damaged because his arm was completely gone and torn off during the failed abortion attempt. Mary saw the little boy struggling to survive and felt his pain and saw no tissue because it was a living, breathing human being. Mary said nobody knew about Hannah when she came out so she was a big surprise because not even the birth mother knew. Mary then went and got the wristband nametag from the birth mother that she kept all the years and told Hannah she never went back to the clinic or did nursing after that. The mother listed was Alyssa Porter, and Hannah was born October 7, 1991. Mary told Hannah that it belonged to her birth mother and was given to Mary by the female who left the hospital and changed her name afterwards and she was long gone even though the hospital staff searched for her. Mary explained that Hannah’s parents adopted both her and her brother and Mary would go by and see them in the N.I.C.U. and how they were always there for the twins and how they sat by the incubators and read passages of the Bible to the preemie babies. Mary told Hannah her parents were praying people but her brother never left the hospital because he died four months after they were born. Mary said she knew where Hannah’s birth mother was and that she saw her recently and knew she got the education and career she desired and the birth mother’s name was Cindy Hastings now and she worked at a law firm in town and gave Hannah a business card for the Cornwall and Hastings law office. Mary said the birth mom was finally home after all that running away. Hannah thanked Mary and left the room to cry it out in the hallway before she went back to Jason with the information she now had. Hannah ripped the birth mother’s business card to shreds and threw it on the floor as Jason waited outside the door and listened to Hannah’s sobbing. Hannah and Jason went to a beach rest stop where Hannah had taped the attorney’s business card back together and stared at it. Jason went over and checked on Hannah and Hannah told him she was going to go see Cindy (Alyssa). Hannah had regrets about knowing the truth behind her past and Jason assured her that none of it was her fault. Hannah cried it out in the arms of Jason as they sat together along the water’s edge on a rock. Later on, Jason knocked on the hotel room door and told Hannah he was going off to sleep in the ice machine as they don’t share rooms and could only afford one. She asked Jason how he could afford the room and he replied he saved money for his road trip and joked he would bill her later. Hannah revealed to Jason then that the last thing she remembered before she blacked out on stage was falling into perfect blue water holding Jason’s hand. She asked Jason why he was always there for her and he told her goodnight. Jason then went and sat outside at a table and declined calls from Alanna on his cell phone. As the music played in the background with lyrics “putting faith in a a man-made God,” Hannah went inside the mult story building to the law office on the business card by herself while Jason waited outside. The Cornwell and Hastings secretary told Hannah that Cindy was out so Hannah went to use the restroom. When she was done, Hannah wandered around the offices and noticed Cindy’s name on the outside of a door and ventured inside to have a look around. On Cindy’s desk was a hand drawn framed photo that a child did with a mom and daughter stick figures and “momy and me” written by a small child. A lady then walked inside and asked Hannah if she needed help. Cindy told Hannah that Stacy didn’t tell her she had another appointment. Hannah introduced herself as Hannah Lawson and Cindy asked if Hannah were one of the new interns. But, before Hannah could reply Cindy said she was busy and had a lunch appointment. Hannah blurted out she was born October 7, 1991 at Mobile General Hospital and she added that she traveled that far because she wanted to know if that meant anything to Cindy. Cindy told Stacy then to cancel her lunch date and hold all her calls. Cindy’s associate husband (also an attorney) walked into the room and asked her if she was ready to go to lunch because Lily (daughter) was waiting for them in the lobby. When the man asked who Hannah was, Cindy lied in front of the fragile Hannah and told him she had no idea. Hannah introduced herself (minus her last name) to the man and shook hands with him. Cindy told Hannah then she had no idea where Hannah’s information came from but it is not correct. Cindy went on to tell Hannah that she cannot take anymore cases at that time but Raymond down the hallway could possibly help Hannah with her civil dispute. Cindy then left with her husband and walked out of the room leaving Hannah even more emotionally disturbed. Outside, Hannah then witnessed Cindy carrying her little three-year-old daughter, Lily, into the car with her husband. Cindy made eye contact then with Hannah basically telling her to stay out of her life and then drove off with her family. Jason ran over then and apologized to Hannah because Jacob showed up in his car then and Jason told Hannah he did not call her dad. Jacob and Hannah had it out in front of the building where Jacob said Alanna called him and told him where his daughter was at and how she and Jason were arrested. Hannah took out her anger about her birth situation on her father who lovingly raised her and not the person responsible for Hannah’s birth defects that just rode away from the past she didn’t want all over again. Jason spoke up then and told Jacob he was wrong for telling Hannah to get in the car so they could return home. Jason told Jacob that Hannah was not even his daughter and to basically leave Hannah alone. Obviously, Jason is no real friend to Hannah if he believed that and is very far from God. Dr. Lawson told Jason as they stood in the middle of the street then to stay away from his daughter and how disappointed he was in the teen because Jason lied to him and endangered the mental health of his unstable daughter that not only suffers from a lifetime of medical conditions that a heartless female who chose to abort in the late stages of pregnancy in his daughter’s unborn life, but also has created more mental issues in addition to the ones she already struggled with. Hannah’s hatred continued and she took it out on her true dad while they were inside the airport. He told her he didn’t think she needed to return to college because he saw not reason to keep funding her behavioral issues. Hannah refused to tell Jacob what happened when she met Cindy. Hannah told her dad that if he loved her as he said he did then he would have told Hannah a long time ago about her past. She walked away from him then with her baggage in tow. Jacob caught up to Hannah and started telling her everything and how three months after they adopted her the medical insurance company wouldn’t cover the medical bills. Grace and Jacob were then in a position to lose their house and everything and had to file for bankruptcy and he was one year from finishing medical school then and asked Hannah how that made him the bad guy. Disrespectful teen Hannah then told him she was sorry for being such a burden. Hannah then asked her dad what her brother’s name was. Hannah then told her dad that she found her birth mom. Hannah walked away and Jacob was all teared up. Jacob shouted that Jonathan was the name of his son that died, and Hannah’s brother. Dad and daughter then continued their journey home back to Hannah’s mom, Grace. Jason caught up with his hippy van buddies and asked where Alanna was. Truman replied that he wouldn’t have drank a hand grenade had Jason been there to stop him and added that about three sips in you no longer know who you are anymore. Truman then took off his sunglasses to show a shiner black eye and told his friend he remembered nothing about the argument nor the fight. Truman went on to say it came with a court date for disorderly conduct and now whined to his friend that he had a criminal record because of his “now or never” party attitude and under the influence actions. Truman told Jason he was ready to go home and Jason’s luggage was in Truman’s room so Jason went to pack. Alanna came in the room and apologized to Jason and told him she went too far with the Hannah thing but he told her he was leaving a day early and walked out the door. Jason on his journey home then left a voicemail message for Dr. Lawson and told him he was sorry and that Jason was wrong to say what he did and hurt Hannah more by helping her connect with a past that was never his business to get involved with to begin with. Jason didn’t know anything about Hannah’s medical and emotional conditions because Hannah never told Jason the truth what was happening and kept that from the boy she liked. Jason confirmed that he would stay away from Hannah. Grace talked to Hannah then as Hannah completed financial aid to continue her college education. Her mom told her that Jacob would not stop paying for Hannah’s school and added her dad was just upset. Grace then showed Hannah an old picture of her when she was pregnant at 20 weeks with twins. Grace then told her daughter that the twins were miscarried and died before they were born. Grace went on to say she volunteered at a pregnancy crisis center and often went to the cathedral around the corner to pray at lunch. On October 17th, Grace said she went back to work and on a bulletin she saw “Twins. Abandoned. Twenty-four weeks.” Grace said that is when she heard God talking to Jacob and her and that was God’s plan for them to adopt Hannah and Jonathan and added that the twins they lost would have been the same age as Hannah and her brother. Mom explained that Hannah was her miracle and that is why it was heartbreaking for her parents to let Hannah go and told Hannah she meant the world to them and loved her dearly as their own. Later on, Hannah walked the city streets at night alone and made her way to the cathedral that her mom visited so long ago. The priest told Hannah that they were about to close for the evening. Hannah introduced herself and told the Catholic priest that she was a Baptist and wasn’t interested in returning for services. He laughed and sat down beside her and wanted to know the reason for her being there. Hannah told the man that she couldn’t figure out how to let go of the fact that she felt hatred for herself and others. Hannah told the clergyman that her parents who raised her since childhood are not her parents and that her “real” parents tried to abort her and added that her brother died because of the failed abortion. Hannah said she was angry at her parents (that she just said were not her parents) for not telling her about her adoption and making her believe she was normal like everyone else. Hannah said she was angry at her real mom, “Cindy Cruella” for not wanting Hannah. Hannah thought something was wrong with her because Cindy was Cindy and didn’t want Hannah in her life even after Hannah went and found the estranged birth mom. Hannah then said she felt guilty because Jonathan should be alive and Hannah felt like she should not be alive. She went on to say that Jonahtan may have been a better person then her and thought about what he would have been like if he lived. Hannah again said she hated herself for feeling the way she did. The clergyman responded that the cathedral was built in 1893 and named for Saint Paul the Apostle. Paul wrote a letter to the church at Colossae and said, “Because we have been forgive by God…we should forgive each other.” The holy man told Hannah that in Christ she is forgiven and that because she is forgiven she has the power to forgive others and most importantly, to choose to forgive. The priest told Hannah to “let it go,” because hatred is a burden she no longer needed to carry and only in forgiveness can someone be free. He added that forgiveness couldn’t be found on a trip or even in a holy establishment. He said if the son shall set her free than she will be free indeed.Crying Hannah then told the Catholic priest to close up his church. Before she left, he added that Jonathan (her brother) wants Hannah to live her life to the fullest. Another day, Jacob told Hannah as she lay in her bed that he was sorry that he overreacted and that she was still enrolled in school. Hannah then thanked her “real” dad. He then gave her airplane tickets and told her to pack because he wanted Hannah to finish her business with Cindy but not without him there to help her through the stressful situation that physically and mentally drained his daughter. On the way, dad took Hannah to the cemetery to visit Jonathan David Lawson’s gravesite. The headstone had “God’s precious gift,” engraved on the stone too. Hannah and her dad made amends and she told him how much she loved him and thanked him for bringing her there. Hand in hand, Hannah and Jacob walked to the building of Cindy’s law firm. Hannah went alone to say goodbye to Cindy by putting a note on Cindy’s office desk while Cindy was out that said Hannah forgave her and included Cindy’s (Alyssa Porter name) wristband from the birth hospital that ex nurse Mary gave to Hannah.  When Cindy arrived back to her office she closed her office door and wept quietly then. Hannah and her “real” dad then went back home to Hannah’s “real” mom,” Grace. Dr. Lawson then called Jason after returning and told Jason how Hannah said Jason treated her with respect and care during their trip and he thought Jason ought to call his daughter again. After asking what Jason’s intentions were toward his daughter, Jason responded that he loved Hannah. Jason happily told Dr. Lawson he would call Hannah then. Hannah walked by her dad and was on her way upstairs when Jason called Hannah. Dr. Lawson heard Jason ask his daughter out on a date. Hannah was so baffled that she dropped her luggage and it went rolling down the stairway. She whispered to Jason what about her father and Jacob started grinning from the kitchen below. Hannah accepted Jason’s date offer and was beyond happy. On their first date, Jason brought Hannah back to the college theater stage that she blacked out on weeks ago. Jason told Hannah she needed to finish her play and that he was in acting once and would help her through because in kindergarten he was sheep #5 and that gave him drama experience. However, the performance was interrupted when the two intimately starred at one another on stage. In the end, Mary returned to her nursing job but instead of aborting babies she delivered them. Cindy told her husband about her younger years and the twins she had aborted and never wanted and he helped his wife through. Grace and Jacob said goodbye to Hannah as Jason drove Hannah off to college for another year. Hannah ran back and thanked her parents for wanting herin their lives. Hand in hand, Jason and Hannah walked away with dad telling his baby he loved her. 

  ONE OF TWO 

DATE REVIEWED: 5/19/23

TITLE: Jurassic World

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015 Universal Studios Entertainment /Amblen Entertainment/ Legendary

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1  

REASON: This movie began with the Mitchell family of four going to the airport, Karen, Scott and sons Gray and Zach. In the car the parents teased Zach about his short absence from his girlfriend, because he (kissed and talked about love) had just said goodbye to her in their driveway. It turned out Karen and Scott were actually sending their teen son and younger son, Gray, of about ten off on a plane alone to an off the coast of Costa Rica location at Christmastime. Zach was disrespectful and didn’t want to listen to his mom telling him to take care of his little brother and not to lose their plane tickets. The parents discussed calling Karen’s sister, Claire Dearing, but it just went straight to voicemail, and Scott replied the sister handled 20,000 people a day, so what was two more, meaning their children. Gray and Zach then arrived in Costa Rica, where they and other tourists took a boat to Isla Nublar. Upon arrival, a stranger woman, Zara, working for Aunt Claire, picked them up and they traveled on a train to Jurassic World and checked into the hotel there. Claire arranged for the boys to have VIP access so they wouldn’t have to wait in any of the lines for the rides. Claire met with three sponsors from Verizon Wireless and showed them around the lab, where she and her colleague mentioned that they designed a new species, not bred, and once it was finished it would get global news coverage, celebrity visitors, and the park would pick up revenue again and no longer would children just view a dinosaur like a zoo creature the way they did now. It was then revealed to the sponors that Indominus Rex was already and fully grown. Gray and Zach went to the Innovation Center and Gray ran around like a kid in a candy store because he was very much into dinosaurs. Claire then took a few minutes out of her hectic schedule to greet the boys in a very business-like way as though she were addressing potential clients and not family. Claire explained that she was still working and Zara would still be taking care of the boys until Claire was finished later that night and they would all meet up around 8:00 p.m., so Claire gave the boys food passes to get them through the day. She told the boys she would take them to the control room the following day, but then her cell phone rang and she had to return to work. Gray wanted Aunt Claire to spend time with them that day but she quickly explained to them that she could not. In the control room, Claire told a male employee, Lowery, never to wear his Jurassic Park shirt that he bought on eBay for $150 because that didn’t turn out well and she didn’t want Jurassic World to end up that way. Claire completely ignored the alerts about the number of missing kids in the lost and found and others having heatstroke. They discussed that one Pachy escaped again, which was why one section of park closed down and how they already tranquilized him but he couldn’t move right away because he was basically stoned, which meant it would take the crew a while to relocate the animal. They went to see the new dinosaur, and even though head hancho Simon Masraniwould not get his license for another two days he flew the helicopter (with his instructor on board) for this occasion and so Claire was hanging on for dear life. Masrani reminded Claire to spare no expense as John Hammond’s dying wish was to do just that and not worry about costs, and John entrusted Masrani to just build the park. Inside the very high-walled new dinosaur enclosure, it was discussed between Masrani and Claire that they hit a few speed bumps during the construction because one person almost lost an arm and others refused to work unless they were ensured their safety because the dinosaur was very intelligent. Masrani noticed the broken glass, and Claire confirmed that the beast tried to break it. He was shocked to discover that the newest beast of a dinosaur was white and Masrani added that because it was whiteit would probably give the parents nightmares and scare the kids and thought that was fantastic. (The dinosaur wasn’t white at all in the movie so why that was even said about being white is bizarre to say the least.) They discussed that the dino could sense thermal radiation like snakes when Masrani asked if the dino could see them where they stood behind the glass. They then discussed the sibling that they grew alongside this dino in the event this one didn’t survive, and Claire told Masrani that this female dino ate her sibling for lunch. They discussed the American Navy research man, Owen Grady, whose animals often tried to escape so he had to be smarter than the animals, but Claire replied he wasn’t smarter. Masrani asked Claire to bring in Owen and let him inspect the paddock before the exhibit was opened to the public. Meanwhile, Owen trained his dinosaurs (Blue, Charlie, Delta, and Echo.) He rewarded them all with food, but only gave Blue (with a thin blue line stripe on side/back) a dead rat. Vic Hoskins showed up and tried to talk Owen into training his Raptor beasts for military uses as killing machines to reduce casualties because other people thought robots were the future and he did not. He added that drones couldn’t search caves and tunnels, and were hackable and when a real war broke out that entire fancy tech was going to go dark. He went on to say if the dinosaurs decided they wanted to be in control, the creatures would kill off the rogues and promote only loyal bloodlines. Hoskins told Owen that extinct animals had no rights and the people owned them, and Owen replied they weren’t extinct anymore. Hoskins was mad because they sat on a goldmine and that Masrani was using the deadly animals for a petting zoo. Owen informed him that Masrani just wanted to teach people humility and didn’t want to make weapons out of his dinosaurs. Hoskins argued that Masrani was the eighth richest man in the world and he wasn’t just into oil, telecom, and family fun parks and was so diversified he didn’t know what he owned. Hoskins worked for InGen, and so Owen wanted to know how long his company was pitching that idea, to which Hoskins replied since the day they hired Owen out of the navy. Hoskins end game was that those unpredictable and dangerous animals would replace thousands of boots on the ground and save many lives in the process. Hoskins added that war was part of nature, but Owen still argued that Hoskins sounded insane, but Hoskins replied that it was going to happen with or without Owen’s boys because progress always won. A squealing pig got loose and one of the dinosaurs below scooped it up in his jaws as a man tried to use a net to save the pig, but the inexperienced worker ended up falling into the enclosure himself. Owen jumped into action, opened one of the gates and ran out to save the man telling those on top with guns to hold their fire. The man got to safety on the other side of the gate and Owen spoke to each of the dinosaurs as he slowly backed away to the gate giving them orders to stay away from him as he had previously before he gave them treats because they listened to him then and didn’t eat the pig, so Owen was hoping they would listen to him again and not eat him. Owen ordered the gate closed with him in the enclosure with the dinosaurs, and just as the gate was going down in a split-second rush to safety Owen threw himself underneath it to safety as all four dinosaurs pounced into the gate and just missed him. Hoskins witnessed the whole thing and saw for himself that those wild beasts were not listening to Owen as he expected, and Owen almost lost his life but that did not deter the crazy Hoskins because he still believed they could use and control the dinosaurs for military purposes. Gray and Zach wandered the grounds and Gray wanted to ride the triceratops, but teen Zach thought the whole place was lame and was for little kids and he wasn’t happy that he had to be around his little brother when the teen would much rather be back home kissing his girlfriend. While Zara was on the phone talking about her fiancé Alec not having a bachelor party because all his friends were animals, Zach eyed Zara and knew she was distracted so he took the opportunity to escape from her with Gray into the crowd, and the sibling duo ran off in the other direction. Gray ran ahead of Zach to see the T-rex feeding with the announcer telling parents that it was a disturbing sight for small children. Karen called Zach on his cell phoneand he told her Claire gave them passes to skip the line and Karen wasn’t happy her sister ditched her nephews for the day, so Karen called Claire right away. Claire answered the call on her Samsung phone as she drove back to see Owen and told Karen that it was a bad day for her and they were with her assistant, Zara, who was British so the kids were in great hands because the Brits invented nannies. Outside her conference room, Karen started whine-crying to her sister that it was supposed to be a family weekend and added that Zach could be so mean to his little brother and she didn’t trust the kids enough to be alone together which was why she expected Claire to take time off from work and be with the boys. Karen used their mother’s words to speak to her sister and told Claire they actually worked and she would understand when she had her own children (because it was worth it). Owen, drinking from a glass bottle of Coca-Cola and repairing his motorcycle, didn’t want to be bothered with Claire’s needs. She told Owen that Masrani wanted him to inspect the enclosure because he was able to successfully control the Raptors, but Owen replied that it wasn’t about control, it was about relationship-building which Claire knew nothing about and the reason why she and Owen never had a second date because she was all about control. Owen told Claire that the animals may have been made in a test tube but they were alive and had minds of their own.Claire told Owen to change his shirt because the animals were sensitive to smell and she would wait in the car for him. While Zach and Gray were seated at a Jurassic World show, they witnessed a giant water dinosaur Mosasaurus eat a shark and then it landed back in the water splashing water over the audience drenching the cell phone that Zach had been looking at that had his girlfriend’s picture. The audience was then shown the Mosasaurus underwater so they could get a closer look, and Gray snapped photos on his camera. Claire explained to Owen that they pre-booked their newest dinosaur shows for months in advance because they liked to introduce something new every few years to keep people coming back and entertained (like the space program), and that corporate felt that genetic modification would up the wow factor. Claire said that the base genome of the Indominus was a T. Rex and the rest was classified information when Owen asked what it was made of. Owen questioned the fact that Indominus never left that enclosed facility and he was concerned with the tool they used to feed the dinosaur. Claire argued that Owen’s Raptors were hatched in captivity just like the Indominus, but he replied that the Raptors were different because they had siblings who they learned social skills from and Owen imprinted on them when they were born, whereas the only positive relationship Indominus had was with the crane used to feed her. Claire mentioned getting Indominus a friend and schedule play-dates, but Owen said that wasn’t a good idea. But then they couldn’t find Indominus because she never showed up to eat, and then they read alerts going off everywhere that there were no thermal signatures detected in the enclosure. The security guard said the doors hadn’t been opened in weeks, so he wasn’t sure where the creature went. Owen noticed claw marks on the wall, and Claire freaked out and said Indominus had an implant in her back so Claire could track her location from the control room. Claire drove fast on her way back to the headquarters and called in to tell them they had an emergency because Indominus was missing inside the park and it was not a drill. Claire called Lowery (dino t-shirt guy) and asked for coordinates immediately on Indominus. Owen and some park workers went inside the enclosure to inspect the scratches on the wall, where the guard told Owen the wall was 40 feet tall if he thought Indominus could get over it. Owen replied that it depended on what kind of dinosaur they created in their mad scientist lab. Lowery told Claire on the phone that Indominus was in the cage, and she replied that was impossible because she was just there and then they saw on the cameras that Owen and the other two men were in the cage too. Claire told her staff and Owen via radio to evacuate ASAP because the deadly Indominous was in the cage with them. They tried to run out but were trapped by Indominus. One staff worker was picked up and eaten by the beast while running beside Owen. The guard used his hand on the inside and punched in a code to open the gate quickly so he could slip through while Owen ran toward him with Indominus on his tail. Masrani was with Lowery and told him to close the door before Owen could get out and they started to close the door. Owen got out and deadly Indominus got partway out the slowly closing door as well but then broke completely out as Owen hid under a vehicle. The guard that got free hid behind a construction truck. Indominus picked it up and ate the guard. Owen cut the oil line underneath the vehicle he was hiding under and covered himself with it to hide his scent. That seemed to work because Indominus sniffed the oil and went away. Claire arrived at the control room with the people being very quiet. Claire told everyone to remain calm and said the implant would shock the Indominus if it got too close to a perimeter fence. Lowery said Indominus was moving very fast. As one team member was going to alert other officials in the park, Masrani told her not to do that because their entire existence depended on them handling situations like that quietly so nobody panicked and it didn’t get in the news. They sent their ACU (SWAT-like) out to handle the situation that was four miles from the nearest public attraction, and ACU was informed that it was a non-lethal mission, meaning they were not going to kill rino Indominus. Meanwhile, Hoskins had a conversation with a worker about how the Raptors reminded him of the wolf pup he rescued and the bond he had with it where when it grew older and his wife came at Hoskins with a steak knife, the wolf took a chunk out of her arm and he was glad for his wolf. The French worker, Barry, then got a text on his phone and told everyone they had a Code 19, which he told Hoskins meant Indominus was out of her cage. Hoskins then made a phone call and told his people that they might have an opportunity and to head on over because they had a killer dinosaur on the loose. As the two brothers were on a sky tram taking a tour, they discussed how their parents were getting mail from two separate lawyers and possibly filing divorce and the kids were concerned about which parent they would live with. Zach said their parents were always acting like that, but Gray said he googled the attorney names and found out they were divorce lawyers. Zach said it didn’t matter anyway because he was going to be gone in two years and all of his friends’ parents were divorced anyway as Gray was crying. Zach told Gray he would get two of everything (birthdays, Thanksgivings, etc.), but Gray responded he didn’t want that and so Zach told him to grow up because it wasn’t up to them what happened between their parents. Gray then noticed the SWAT vehicles down below driving by that looked out of place in the park. Owen made it to the control room and angrily asked Claire what happened out there since there were many thermal cameras but didn’t pick up on any body heat in the enclosure. Owen demanded an answer because he was almost eaten by Indominus and saw two other people killed by the stalking predator. Claire tried to dismiss it as a technical malfunction, but Owen told her that Indominus knew what she was doing and marked up the wall as a distraction to make them think she escaped because the dinosaur was a highly intelligent animal. The ACU came within 400 meters of Indominus and got out of their combat vehicles and went into the woods in their SWAT gear in search of killer Indominus. Owen couldn’t believe the ACU was going after Indominus with non-lethal equipment after she just killed two men. Masrani told him they had $26 million invested in their asset Indominus, so they couldn’t just kill her. Owen told everybody those men were going to die and told Claire to call if off completely, but she yelled that he wasn’t in control. One of the grounded ACU patrol discovered the implant that Indominus took out of her back in some shallow water by a creek bed. Owen told Claire that Indominus clawed the tracking device out of her body since she remembered when it was put in because Indominus was that smart. Blood dripped on the ACU member from the trees above so he looked up and realized that Indominus was in around them behind the trees and then came out and surrounded the humans on the ground. Commander Hamada shouted that Indominus could camouflage and then InDominUS grabbed him. The ACU members shot their non-lethal weapons at Indominus, and she dropped Hamada and then stomped on him and killed him and went after the others. Male Trooper Craig was killed when he was flung into a tree, male Trooper Lee was killed next, and female trooper Meyers, still alive but badly wounded, was helped by another ACU employee. As they watched in horror, Owen said they needed to evacuate the island, but Claire replied that they would never be able to reopen. Owen explained that because they raised a genetic hybrid in captivity, Indominus didn’t understand her surroundings so she was going to kill everything that was moving and would not stop contemplate her own existence. Owen added that Indominus was learning where she fit into the food chain and went on to say they had the military weaponry to blow up the killer dinosaur, but Claire said they had families there and she didn’t want to turn the park into a war zone (even though she was not concerned that her two nephews were somewhere in the park with this monster on the loose). Owen said they already had, and Claire told him that if he wasn’t going to help and do things her way, there was no reason for him to be there, so Owen knocked Lowery’s dinosaur figurines off his desk and Owen told Masrani that he would have a word with his people in the lab because that thing outside they created was no dinosaur. Owen left the building. Claire announced she was going to close everything and that was Phase One of their shutdown. The live count of people at the park was 21,216. As Gray tried to discuss dinosaur DNA with Zach, Zach was distracted because now teen Zach wasn’t thinking about his girlfriend back home but saw some new teen females in line in front of them in line that caught his attention. Zach and Gray got in a glass-dome ball ride that drove around on the ground to explore the park and be amidst dinosaurs. Right after they left, the ride operator received a call and hung up quickly to tell everybody the ride was now closed and they had to exit in an orderly fashion. The rest of the exhibits in that area shut down as well, and the customers were told the reason was because of technical difficulties. Masrani then visited Dr. Henry Wu in his lab, where he was told that Wu wasn’t at liberty to reveal the genetic makeup of Indominus and added that modified animals were known to be unpredictable. Wu said it was unfortunate that the out-of-control dinosaur had already killed people, and Masrani asked what the purpose it was for them to create a dinosaur that had camouflage abilities. Wu replied that cuttlefish genes were added to help Indominus withstand an accelerated growth rate and that cuttlefish allowed the skin to change color. Wu went on to explain that Indominus could hide her thermal energy because they used DNA strands from tree frogs to adapt Indominus to a tropical climate. Wu told Masrani that he was the one who told Wu to make everything bigger, scarier, and cooler in his last memo. Wu counseled that he could not have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits to go along with it. Masrani said the Board would shut down the park and seize Wu’s work and all that he did to create this monster dinosaur and Hammond was dead and wouldn’t be there to protect Wu this time. Wu responded that the whole park existed because of Wu and said if he didn’t innovate, somebody else would. Masrani told Wu to cease all of his activities immediately and no longer conduct his laboratory experiments. Mad Dr. Wu argued that nothing in the park was natural and they always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. As Zach and Gray rode around on the ground, they listened to Jimmy Fallon on a screen welcoming them aboard the Gyrosphere and he describing the amazing science behind the machine they rode in. Jimmy used a gun to shoot through reinforced glass to show how effective it was because it was surrounding the machine. However, it looked like the bullet went right through the glass and hit things on the other side, and then Jimmy told the kids they had nothing to worry about because they were safe in their globe-glass contraption. A message then appeared on the screen and said that due to technical difficulties, all rides were closed and to exit the vehicle. However, Zach and Gray didn’t have anywhere to exit because large, dangerous dinosaurs surrounded them. Eldest Zach convinced younger Gray to keep going because Aunt Claire gave them wristbands, which meant they were VIPs and had special privileges so they wouldn’t have to return the Gyrosphere right away. It wasn’t until that moment after seeing a mom being reunited with her lost daughter that Claire realized she was responsible for two minors in her care, so she called Zara and told her to bring Zach and Gray back to the hotel immediately. Zara told Claire that the boys ran off on her and had no idea where they were and she had been looking for them for a while. Claire called Zach’s cell phone, and he told her where he was in the hamster ball, but the connection was then lost between the two and the phone didn’t work. Lowery told Claire all but one Gyrosphere returned to the station, so Claire called the rangers on the radio to go out and retrieve the boys. However, they replied it was going to be a while because their hands were full. Claire hung up on them and said she would go do it herself, and then she saw Owen on the monitor in trouble with the security guard inside one of the building, so she ran to get his help in rescuing the minor boys. Big brother came across an open gate and wanted to go off-roading and little brother told him they needed to go back because that’s what they were told to do. Zach told Gray he was worried Gray wasn’t getting the full Jurassic World experience and shushed Gray as Zach drove forward into the unknown. Claire found Owen and he was upset with her because she had no idea exactly how old her nephews were, but he said he would help her find them. As they drove through the jungle area of the park, Gray told Zach they were going to get arrested, have their heads shaved, and be forced to make root beer in the toilet. They paused for a moment and the boys argued over how many dinosaurs were in front of them when Gray spotted five because there was one behind him with Indominus’s reflection on the glass. Indominus went after the other smaller dinosaurs and ended up kicking the Gyrosphere, which caused it to spin out of control in the midst of the running dinosaurs. The glass dome ride got in the midst of a battle between two dinosaurs, and a tail flipped their Gyrosphere upside down making it immobile. Right in front of them, Indominus slashed open the leg of a smaller dinosaur and chewed its head off where Gray questioned if they were safe in their contraption and Zach said they totally safe. Claire, while she and Owen drove to the area, tried to call on Zach’s cell phone, but the ringing phone was at the bottom of the contraption while the boys hung upside down in their seatbelts and couldn’t reach the phone. As Zach was almost able to reach the phone, Indominus came closer to their Gyrosphere and had her head pressed against it staring in at the kids. Indominus used a long talon to break the glass instantly and then wrapped her mouth around the globe to pick it up and then smashed it into the ground multiple times to break the glass and get to the people inside. Zach decided to unbuckle their seatbelts and they fell to the ground, and the globe came down on top of them with glass shattering around them. The siblings started running and ended up on a cliff, so they jumped many feet down to the pool of water below and stayed underwater for a few extra seconds until Indominus walked away. They swam to shore. In their Mercedes park SUV with a thin blue line on the side, Claire and Owen searched for the kids.Owen got out with his gun in hand to investigate a fresh kill of one of the dinosaurs. Claire got out to see how bad the animal was wounded because it turned out to still be alive. For the first time, Claire touched a dinosaur and felt something different than it just being a number on paper, and then the dinosaur died with Claire and Owen sitting present. They walked a little further over the hill and saw five other dead dinosaurs on the ground. Owen pointed out the predator didn’t eat any of the animals but was killing them all for sportas he looked upon the dead carcasses in front of them and one behind them. Barry told Owen on the radio they had a situation with Hoskins as his crew was on standby, but the connection was bad and he got no response. Owen and Claire found the Gyrosphere, where Jimmy Fallon still talked and hoped everybody had a good ride (as no major disaster just happened). Claire and Owen then saw the destruction surrounding the attack site. Owen took out one of Indominus’s teeth that was embedded into the machine and he put it in his pocket as Claire found Zach’s smashed cell phone on the ground. Owen pointed to the footprints in the mud and told Claire to think positive because the boys made it out alive. They tracked the prints to the waterfall, where Claire was happy they jumped into the water and started shouting their names like a brainless wonder. Owen silenced her because he didn’t want to be the next meal of Indominus. Claire lowered her voice to a whisper and asked Owen if he could catch the boys’ scent or track the footprints of the missing boys, and he replied he was with the Navy, not the Navajo. Owen tried to convince her to go back by herself while he followed the tracks, but Claire wasn’t having any of that and Claire rolled up the sleeves of her prim and proper dress shirt, revealed her tank top underneath her shirt by turning her clothing into G.I. Jane on a mission attire to show how tough she was and that she could keep up with Navy Owen, who told her he was in charge and it would be just like taking a stroll through the woods 65 million years ago (except in this period of time he had a high-powered gun with him so it really wasn’t.) Zach and Gray came across the site where they found a destroyed UTV and a bloody hat belonging to one of the men killed by Indominus. They saw the door to the enclosure, so they pushed the doors open and ventured inside. Zach picked up a large item and a piece of cloth on the ground, and Zach used the matches that Gray carried with him to set the cloth wrapped around the bone on fire. They came across an old warehouse from the days of Jurassic Park, where they found a 1992 Jeep Wrangler Sahara in sand beige. Zach mentioned Grandpa’s Malibu they fixed one time and they started working on the Jeep to get out of there. Back in the control room, Lowery told Masrani and Vivian that every time Indominus killed, she moved south so she was headed right for the main park area because she could sense thermal radiation and their evacuation plan put all the humans in one area to be sitting ducks. Hoskins came in and held up his InGen (sounded like “injun,” when he said it) badge to the security guard and told Masrani that he worked for two years on an application for the Raptors and said they could hunt and kill Indominus. Masrani responded that Hoskins’ program was only to test the Raptors’ intelligence, and Hoskins replied they did just that and in the process they learned that the Raptors could follow orders and that was the solution to their problem. Masrani flatly stated it was up for no debate that those unpredictable Raptors were going to be let loose on his island. Hoskins said Masrani was out of his mind because he had 20,000 people there and the killing machine was headed right for them all and they had no place to go. Masrani said he would look into the Hoskins’ project to determine its viability within the moral principles of his company, and Hoskins agreed. Masrani then took off in a helicopter because his flight instructor was tied up in the evacuation. Masrani assured Vivian that he didn’t need somebody to fly the machine because he was well trained even though he didn’t yet have his license. The boys managed to get the Jeep up and running, and Gray pointed out that Zach failed his drivers’ test and Zach said not the exam part, just the driving part. Teen Zach behind the wheel took off and drove the brothers out into the woods. Owen and Claire just missed the boys because they were minutes behind them. They couldn’t believe the boys were able to fix one of the old Jeeps and get it started. Owen and Claire were then trapped in front of the other broke down Jeep with Owen’s gun left alongside the Jeep with Indominus close by. The monster backed away because she couldn’t flip the Jeep over to see what was on the other side. Owen quickly grabbed his gun just seconds before Indominus came crashing through the roof. They ran out of the enclosure back the way they came with the very angry and dangerous killer Indominus hot on their trail. Claire, as they ran, called Lowery and told him where she was at and asked for the ACU to bring in real guns to the scene, but Lowery replied that ACU already left the park and took the helicopter. Masrani asked the men in the helicopter if they were ever in the Armed Forces, and they replied Afghanistan. Masrani then asked if their general ever flew into battle with them as though he was better than a US military general. They spotted Indominus from the helicopter and started shooting at her with a machine gun. The beast then smashed headfirst through a large glass dome into the flying dinosaurs’ birdcage. However, the dino flyers flew out of the enclosure and up into the helicopter where it knocked the gunman out of the open door and he held onto the gun for dear life as he dangled from the aircraft for just a few seconds before one of the flying dinosaurs grabbed him altogether. Another dino flyer flew into the passenger military man’s glass window and impaled the passenger man. Masrani then lost control of the helicopter because all of the flying creatures around him and he crashed into the birdcage, which caused an explosion on impact (killing Masrani) after breaking through the glass ceiling and the fire scared Indominus away. Vivian started crying back at the control center while the rest of the flying dinosaurs escaped through the hole in the roof. Owen and Claire ran for the trees to escape the predators. The boys, laughing it up and having the time of their lives as teen Zach drove the Jeep through fences then caught sight of the flying dinosaurs in their vehicle mirrors and Gray realized they weren’t as safe as Zach had said again. The boys came upon a gate, where men were stood with big guns guarding the area. The boys screamed at them to open the gate and the men just stood there until they looked up at the sky and understood why. Zara called Claire and told her the boys were coming in the west gate so she told Zara to stay with them while she hopped on an ATV sitting behind Owen, they got the vehicle from ground control. On the PA system, it was announced that all guests must take shelter immediately due to a containment anomaly. However, as that was announced a whole bunch of identifiable flying objects appeared in the sky. The people-eating dinosaurs in flight picked off people in the crowd and destroyed the area. Zara was carried away by one of the creatures because she was trying to get the boys to come with her because they were standing there staring at the monsters and ignoring their caretaker. Zara was dropped into the water and several dinosaurs went after her underneath the surface. One picked Zara up and tried to carry her out of the water still in one piece. The boys heard her screams and witnessed the Mosasaurus jumping up out of the water and swallowing Zara along with the Pteranodon in one gulp. Claire decided to stand on top of something and scream for Zach and Gray as the Pteranodon’s flew about and the people surrounding her shot at flying killers. One attacked Owen and he attempted to use strength to fight it off until Claire came over and pounded the dinosaur in the head with a gun and then shot it, saving Owen’s life. Owen stood up and kissed Claire with the boys watching and almost not recognizing their aunt because her clothes were now ripped and she was completely dirty harry from head to toe. Claire quickly reunited with the boys before they sought shelter. Meanwhile, Hoskins and his men stormed into the control room and said that Simon Marsani’s death was a tragedy and the new mission was to prevent further loss of life because Hoskins was taking over with his goons. He told everybody to get out because they were all relieved of duty, and there was a new team, Hoskins’ team, in charge of the situation. As one of Hoskins’ helicopters approached the island, a man inside shot a PteranoDon while in flight. Claire called Lowery and he was still in the control room. Lowery whispered to his boss it was a bad idea to come there because the board assigned emergency ops to InGen’s private security division, meaning Hoskins was in charge and he had an insane plan to use the Raptors to hunt the Indominus. Owen told Claire to get the kids somewhere safe. A bunch of people stampeded through one of the gates, so Owen used an unoccupied thin blue line vehicle with Claire and the kids and brought them the Raptor place. The kids didn’t want to stay with Claire, they wanted to stay with Owen because they felt safer with him and so did Claire. Barry (Frenchman) told Hoskins that the Raptors usually looked at what they wanted to look at and ate what they wanted to eat. Owen pulled up in his #7 Mercedes-Benz suv and got out to address madman Hoskins with a punch to the face after Hoskin said the mother hen finally arrived. Hoskins took Jesus’ name in vain and after Claire pointed out that Hoskins wanted this pandemic to happen all along, Owen told Hoskin to stay away from his Raptors and get off the property. Hoskins ranted about how a cruise ship was going to show up the following day with newscaster who would report how their animals saved lives because InGen and their way of doing things took over. Hoskins went on to say how tomorrow everyone will be watching a news story about how the Raptors saved lives and went on to say it was happening with or without their cooperation. Barry tried to tell Owen that Hoskin’s idea was crazy but Owen didn’t respond. Owen explained to the team then that they knew where Indominus was and they were now playing the scent game that they trained for numerous times before. He told everyone to wait to engage because Raptors were pack hunters and they liked to herd their prey into a kill zone. Owen said that is when they have the opportunity to take down Indomiun and give that beast every thing they got but not to shoot the Raptors. Then, Owen explained to the young boys that Blue (female) was the Beta of the pack and that Owen (male) was the alpha. Claire then put the kids in the back of a large military truck and told them to use the window if they needed to communicate with her, as she would be sitting up front. The brothers had a heart to heart conversation then and said they would be there for each other no matter what. Owen then gave the four Raptors a whiff of the scent from the tracker skin that Indominus ripped out of her body. Owen and Barry rode an ATV and a motorcycle to lead the way following the Raptors. Claire stayed in the front of the truck on her laptop tracking the hunting party. The kids opened the window and Zach told his aunt that her boyfriend was a bada** for driving a motorcycle through the woods with deadly creatures with him. The Raptors slowed down so the people stopped and pulled their guns out. Claire told the boys they weren’t going to watch and closed the window on them. However, the small Raptors didn’t go after Indominus when she appeared in the clearing and instead communicated to her as though she were family. Barry noticed something was not quite right because the Raptors were not attacking. Owen then realized that Indominus was part Raptor and that is why Wu never revealed the complete genetic makeup of Indominus. Hoskins didn’t like the ground crew pausing and told them to light up Indominus so they did.However, she went down but got back up and ran off while the trees burned around her as though she were bulletproof and fireproof. Owen told everyone to watch their six because the Raptors got a new alpha (female Indominus). The Raptors then started attacking the Hoskins crew on the ground. Owen came in contact with one of his Raptors then but didn’t shoot it as the Raptor and him made eye contact. However, behind the Raptor someone shot it with a firebomb and it took out the Raptor and Owen wasn’t happy about that. Then, the ground crew were instructed to fall back and left the people behind (Barry and Owen) on foot to fend for themselves. Owen hopped on his motorcycle to distract Blue away from Barry who hid in a log and was trapped. In the truck, Claire told the kids that it was ok to lie when a child is scared and that they would be back home tomorrow and their mom would never let them near her again. As she spoke, a bloody hand scared everyone inside the truck and a man’s voice told Claire to get out of dodge because the man with the plan is sitting cozy back at the control room and everyone else was dying in the field. The bloodied man then opened the back of the truck to jump in with the boys screaming the Raptors were coming and then a Raptor jumped on the man and ate him while the young boys watched in horror. When Claire hit the gas, the man fell back and the Raptor finished him off in the street. Claire told the boys (with the back door open) to hold on as a Raptor smashed its head through the driver’s window. Claire was able to knock it out into the roadway but another Raptor came on scene. Zach decided to start tossing things from the back of the vehicle in hopes of slowing down the Raptors in pursuit. Claire hit one Raptor with the side of the truck and took it out. The boys figured out how to turn the shock weapon on and used the taser to get rid of the second Raptor that jumped into the back of the moving vehicle. Owen caught up to Claire in the truck and told her they needed to get inside. However, Barry was not with him. Claire then called her employee, Lowery, and told him to get a chopper ready because they were close to him. Meanwhile, Dr. Wu in his lab told his staff that everything needed to be accounted for and that all backup generators needed to be online. Then, Hoskins called Dr. Wu on his cell phone (the two were in on it together) and told Wu there was a change of plans because their mission failed. Hoskins told Wu he would be taking everything off site. Wu replied that the embryos were safe in his lab and could live up to eight weeks in the generators. Hoskins told Wu that the park would be Chapter 11 by morning and that was not happening and Hoskins didn’t want a bunch of lawyers messing around with something they didn’t understand. As the visitors were packed like sardines in a waiting area, they were told by the PA that anther Ferry would be departing soon and those many attacked by the flying dinos would still be treated medically at health service station on site. As Vivian told Lowry she was leaving on the ferry he tried to kiss her bye but she informed him she had a boyfriend and he didn’t know that because she kept it personal and separate from work so they hugged instead as Lowry stayed behind. Dr. Wu and the ”assets” (possibly more Indominus creatures) were then loaded on a helicopter and the man told Wu that Hoskins wanted Wu safe out of the way and wasn’t going with him. The female PA news announcer kept speaking as though nothing out of the ordinary happened at the Park and thanked everyone for coming and mentioned Margaritaville as Owen and Clarie and the boys arrived back inside the park. As they ran to the control room, Claire noticed the lab had been evacuated, but Wu left the experimental creatures behind in their enclosures. Hoskins came into the lab and told Claire that it was above her paygrade to know what they were doing with the lab embroyos and said Dr. Wu worked for him.As Hoskins tried to enlighten everyone about indestructible military weapon dinosaurs and evolution, another loose Raptor arrived, stalked, and then cornered him…and then ate Hoskins in front of the young children. Claire, Owen and the boys then ran away. Then, three Raptors surrounded the foursome outside the building. Owen tried to speak to Blue and dropped his gun and reached around and undid the device attached to the Raptor. Indominous then arrived. However, Blue decided to join Owen’s side again and when she communicated that to Indominous, the large monster threw Blue into the side of the building. Owen gave a command to the other two Raptors to attack Indominus and they did so the humans could run past the beast. Owen then used his gun to shoot at Indominus. That did little to bring down Indominus. Genius Grey told Claire they needed more teeth because there were only two Raptors attacking the giant. Claire left the kids and grabbed something out of the first aid box and ran. Indominus easily threw off and killed the other two Raptors. Owen made it to the kids just as Indominus arrived. Claire called Lowery on the radio she retrieved and told him to open paddock #9 (T-Rex) and release the creature inside and told Lowrey to be a man for once in his life and just do it. Using some flares, Claire led the second large dinosaur monster to the area of Indominus. The two monsters dinos fought it out upon meeting.Miraculously, Blue arrived too and jumped on the backs of the creatures to join the fight. That helped the humans escape the area that was being completely destroyed by the fighting demon dinos who only knew how to kill. As the combat went close to the water, the Mosasaurus jumped out of the water and clasped the neck of Indominus and pulled her under the surface to finish her off. (Why wasn’t there any gates protecting this area of water from people because it was right next to the shopping center and at any given time the Mossasurus could have done the same to the people?) Blue then made eye contact with Owen and decided to run off in another direction without killing the humans. The T-Rex dinosaur that Claire let out left the area to lick its wounds too. Barry was scene the next day with all the survivors, medical staffers and rescue responders helping the wounded (no police on sight). Karen and Scott showed up to retrieve Zach and Gray. Everyone hugged it out then, including Aunt Claire. Owen then told Claire that they needed to stick together for survival purposes, so they did. The movie ended with the T-Rex growling from a rooftop building on the island.  The movie cover art listed US Weekly, “Flat out astonishes.” On less than 250 million budget, this movie grossed over 1.6 billion at the box office.


TWO OF TWO 

DATE REVIEWED: 5/19/23

TITLE: Jurassic World

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015 Universal Studios Entertainment /Amblen Entertainment/ Legendary

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1  

REASON: 


 Hoskins was mad because they sat on a goldmine and that Masrani was using the deadly animals for a petting zoo. Owen informed him that Masrani just wanted to teach people humility and didn’t want to make weapons out of his dinosaurs. Hoskins argued that Masrani was the eighth richest man in the world and he wasn’t just into oil, telecom, and family fun parks and was so diversified he didn’t know what he owned. Hoskins worked for InGen, and so Owen wanted to know how long his company was pitching that idea, to which Hoskins replied since the day they hired Owen out of the navy. Hoskins end game was that those unpredictable and dangerous animals would replace thousands of boots on the ground and save many lives in the process. Hoskins added that war was part of nature, but Owen still argued that Hoskins sounded insane, but Hoskins replied that it was going to happen with or without Owen’s boys because progress always won. A squealing pig got loose and one of the dinosaurs below scooped it up in his jaws as a man tried to use a net to save the pig, but the inexperienced worker ended up falling into the enclosure himself. Owen jumped into action, opened one of the gates and ran out to save the man telling those on top with guns to hold their fire. The man got to safety on the other side of the gate and Owen spoke to each of the dinosaurs as he slowly backed away to the gate giving them orders to stay away from him as he had previously before he gave them treats because they listened to him then and didn’t eat the pig, so Owen was hoping they would listen to him again and not eat him. Owen ordered the gate closed with him in the enclosure with the dinosaurs, and just as the gate was going down in a split-second rush to safety Owen threw himself underneath it to safety as all four dinosaurs pounced into the gate and just missed him. Hoskins witnessed the whole thing and saw for himself that those wild beasts were not listening to Owen as he expected, and Owen almost lost his life but that did not deter the crazy Hoskins because he still believed they could use and control the dinosaurs for military purposes. Gray and Zach wandered the grounds and Gray wanted to ride the triceratops, but teen Zach thought the whole place was lame and was for little kids and he wasn’t happy that he had to be around his little brother when the teen would much rather be back home kissing his girlfriend. While Zara was on the phone talking about her fiancé Alec not having a bachelor party because all his friends were animals, Zach eyed Zara and knew she was distracted so he took the opportunity to escape from her with Gray into the crowd, and the sibling duo ran off in the other direction. Gray ran ahead of Zach to see the T-rex feeding with the announcer telling parents that it was a disturbing sight for small children. Karen called Zach on his cell phone and he told her Claire gave them passes to skip the line and Karen wasn’t happy her sister ditched her nephews for the day, so Karen called Claire right away. Claire answered the call on her Samsung phone as she drove back to see Owen and told Karen that it was a bad day for her and they were with her assistant, Zara, who was British so the kids were in great hands because the Brits invented nannies. Outside her conference room, Karen started whine-crying to her sisterthat it was supposed to be a family weekend and added that Zach could be so mean to his little brother and she didn’t trust the kids enough to be alone together which was why she expected Claire to take time off from work and be with the boys. Karen used their mother’s words to speak to her sister and told Claire they actually worked and she would understand when she had her own children (because it was worth it). Owen, drinking from a glass bottle of Coca-Cola and repairing his motorcycle, didn’t want to be bothered with Claire’s needs. She told Owen that Masrani wanted him to inspect the enclosure because he was able to successfully control the Raptors, but Owen replied that it wasn’t about control, it was about relationship-building which Claire knew nothing about and the reason why she and Owen never had a second date because she was all about control. Owen told Claire that the animals may have been made in a test tube but they were alive and had minds of their own.Claire told Owen to change his shirt because the animals were sensitive to smell and she would wait in the car for him. While Zach and Gray were seated at a Jurassic World show, they witnessed a giant water dinosaur Mosasaurus eat a shark and then it landed back in the water splashing water over the audience drenching the cell phone that Zach had been looking at that had his girlfriend’s picture. The audience was then shown the Mosasaurus underwater so they could get a closer look, and Gray snapped photos on his camera. Claire explained to Owen that they pre-booked their newest dinosaur shows for months in advance because they liked to introduce something new every few years to keep people coming back and entertained (like the space program), and that corporate felt that genetic modification would up the wow factor. Claire said that the base genome of the Indominus was a T. Rex and the rest was classified information when Owen asked what it was made of. Owen questioned the fact that Indominus never left that enclosed facility and he was concerned with the tool they used to feed the dinosaur. Claire argued that Owen’s Raptors were hatched in captivity just like the Indominus, but he replied that the Raptors were different because they had siblings who they learned social skills from and Owen imprinted on them when they were born, whereas the only positive relationship Indominus had was with the crane used to feed her. Claire mentioned getting Indominus a friend and schedule play-dates, but Owen said that wasn’t a good idea. But then they couldn’t find Indominus because she never showed up to eat, and then they read alerts going off everywhere that there were no thermal signatures detected in the enclosure. The security guard said the doors hadn’t been opened in weeks, so he wasn’t sure where the creature went. Owen noticed claw marks on the wall, and Claire freaked out and said Indominus had an implant in her back so Claire could track her location from the control room. Claire drove fast on her way back to the headquarters and called in to tell them they had an emergency because Indominus was missing inside the park and it was not a drill. Claire called Lowery (dino t-shirt guy) and asked for coordinates immediately on Indominus. Owen and some park workers went inside the enclosure to inspect the scratches on the wall, where the guard told Owen the wall was 40 feet tall if he thought Indominus could get over it. Owen replied that it depended on what kind of dinosaur they created in their mad scientist lab. Lowery told Claire on the phone that Indominus was in the cage, and she replied that was impossible because she was just there and then they saw on the cameras that Owen and the other two men were in the cage too. Claire told her staff and Owen via radio to evacuate ASAP because the deadly Indominous was in the cage with them. They tried to run out but were trapped by Indominus. One staff worker was picked up and eaten by the beast while running beside Owen. The guard used his hand on the inside and punched in a code to open the gate quickly so he could slip through while Owen ran toward him with Indominus on his tail. Masrani was with Lowery and told him to close the door before Owen could get out and they started to close the door. Owen got out and deadly Indominus got partway out the slowly closing door as well but then broke completely out as Owen hid under a vehicle. The guard that got free hid behind a construction truck. Indominus picked it up and ate the guard. Owen cut the oil line underneath the vehicle he was hiding under and covered himself with it to hide his scent. That seemed to work because Indominus sniffed the oil and went away. Claire arrived at the control room with the people being very quiet. Claire told everyone to remain calm and said the implant would shock the Indominus if it got too close to a perimeter fence. Lowery said Indominus was moving very fast. As one team member was going to alert other officials in the park, Masrani told her not to do that because their entire existence depended on them handling situations like that quietly so nobody panicked and it didn’t get in the news. They sent their ACU (SWAT-like) out to handle the situation that was four miles from the nearest public attraction, and ACU was informed that it was a non-lethal mission, meaning they were not going to kill rino Indominus. Meanwhile, Hoskins had a conversation with a worker about how the Raptors reminded him of the wolf pup he rescued and the bond he had with it where when it grew older and his wife came at Hoskins with a steak knife, the wolf took a chunk out of her arm and he was glad for his wolf. The French worker, Barry, then got a text on his phone and told everyone they had a Code 19, which he told Hoskins meant Indominus was out of her cage. Hoskins then made a phone call and told his people that they might have an opportunity and to head on over because they had a killer dinosaur on the loose. As the two brothers were on a sky tram taking a tour, they discussed how their parents were getting mail from two separate lawyers and possibly filing divorce and the kids were concerned about which parent they would live with. Zach said their parents were always acting like that, but Gray said he googled the attorney names and found out they were divorce lawyers. Zach said it didn’t matter anyway because he was going to be gone in two years and all of his friends’ parents were divorced anyway as Gray was crying. Zach told Gray he would get two of everything (birthdays, Thanksgivings, etc.), but Gray responded he didn’t want that and so Zach told him to grow up because it wasn’t up to them what happened between their parents. Gray then noticed the SWAT vehicles down below driving by that looked out of place in the park. Owen made it to the control room and angrily asked Claire what happened out there since there were many thermal cameras but didn’t pick up on any body heat in the enclosure. Owen demanded an answer because he was almost eaten by Indominus and saw two other people killed by the stalking predator. Claire tried to dismiss it as a technical malfunction, but Owen told her that Indominus knew what she was doing and marked up the wall as a distraction to make them think she escaped because the dinosaur was a highly intelligent animal. The ACU came within 400 meters of Indominus and got out of their combat vehicles and went into the woods in their SWAT gear in search of killer Indominus. Owen couldn’t believe the ACU was going after Indominus with non-lethal equipment after she just killed two men. Masrani told him they had $26 million invested in their asset Indominus, so they couldn’t just kill her. Owen told everybody those men were going to die and told Claire to call if off completely, but she yelled that he wasn’t in control. One of the grounded ACU patrol discovered the implant that Indominus took out of her back in some shallow water by a creek bed. Owen told Claire that Indominus clawed the tracking device out of her body since she remembered when it was put in because Indominus was that smart. Blood dripped on the ACU member from the trees above so he looked up and realized that Indominus was in around them behind the trees and then came out and surrounded the humans on the ground. Commander Hamada shouted that Indominus could camouflage and then InDominUS grabbed him. The ACU members shot their non-lethal weapons at Indominus, and she dropped Hamada and then stomped on him and killed him and went after the others. Male Trooper Craig was killed when he was flung into a tree, male Trooper Lee was killed next, and female trooper Meyers, still alive but badly wounded, was helped by another ACU employee. As they watched in horror, Owen said they needed to evacuate the island, but Claire replied that they would never be able to reopen. Owen explained that because they raised a genetic hybrid in captivity, Indominus didn’t understand her surroundings so she was going to kill everything that was moving and would not stop contemplate her own existence. Owen added that Indominus was learning where she fit into the food chain and went on to say they had the military weaponry to blow up the killer dinosaur, but Claire said they had families there and she didn’t want to turn the park into a war zone (even though she was not concerned that her two nephews were somewhere in the park with this monster on the loose). Owen said they already had, and Claire told him that if he wasn’t going to help and do things her way, there was no reason for him to be there, so Owen knocked Lowery’s dinosaur figurines off his desk and Owen told Masrani that he would have a word with his people in the lab because that thing outside they created was no dinosaur. Owen left the building. Claire announced she was going to close everything and that was Phase One of their shutdown. The live count of people at the park was 21,216. As Gray tried to discuss dinosaur DNA with Zach, Zach was distracted because now teen Zach wasn’t thinking about his girlfriend back home but saw some new teen females in line in front of them in line that caught his attention. Zach and Gray got in a glass-dome ball ride that drove around on the ground to explore the park and be amidst dinosaurs. Right after they left, the ride operator received a call and hung up quickly to tell everybody the ride was now closed and they had to exit in an orderly fashion. The rest of the exhibits in that area shut down as well, and the customers were told the reason was because of technical difficulties. Masrani then visited Dr. Henry Wu in his lab, where he was told that Wu wasn’t at liberty to reveal the genetic makeup of Indominus and added that modified animals were known to be unpredictable. Wu said it was unfortunate that the out-of-control dinosaur had already killed people, and Masrani asked what the purpose it was for them to create a dinosaur that had camouflage abilities. Wu replied that cuttlefish genes were added to help Indominus withstand an accelerated growth rate and that cuttlefish allowed the skin to change color. Wu went on to explain that Indominus could hide her thermal energy because they used DNA strands from tree frogs to adapt Indominus to a tropical climate. Wu told Masrani that he was the one who told Wu to make everything bigger, scarier, and cooler in his last memo. Wu counseled that he could not have an animal with exaggerated predator features without the corresponding behavioral traits to go along with it. Masrani said the Board would shut down the park and seize Wu’s work and all that he did to create this monster dinosaur and Hammond was dead and wouldn’t be there to protect Wu this time. Wu responded that the whole park existed because of Wu and said if he didn’t innovate, somebody else would. Masrani told Wu to cease all of his activities immediately and no longer conduct his laboratory experiments. Mad Dr. Wu argued that nothing in the park was natural and they always filled gaps in the genome with the DNA of other animals. As Zach and Gray rode around on the ground, they listened to Jimmy Fallon on a screen welcoming them aboard the Gyrosphere and he describing the amazing science behind the machine they rode in. Jimmy used a gun to shoot through reinforced glass to show how effective it was because it was surrounding the machine. However, it looked like the bullet went right through the glass and hit things on the other side, and then Jimmy told the kids they had nothing to worry about because they were safe in their globe-glass contraption. A message then appeared on the screen and said that due to technical difficulties, all rides were closed and to exit the vehicle. However, Zach and Gray didn’t have anywhere to exit because large, dangerous dinosaurs surrounded them. Eldest Zach convinced younger Gray to keep going because Aunt Claire gave them wristbands, which meant they were VIPs and had special privileges so they wouldn’t have to return the Gyrosphere right away. It wasn’t until that moment after seeing a mom being reunited with her lost daughter that Claire realized she was responsible for two minors in her care, so she called Zara and told her to bring Zach and Gray back to the hotel immediately. Zara told Claire that the boys ran off on her and had no idea where they were and she had been looking for them for a while. Claire called Zach’s cell phone, and he told her where he was in the hamster ball, but the connection was then lost between the two and the phone didn’t work. Lowery told Claire all but one Gyrosphere returned to the station, so Claire called the rangers on the radio to go out and retrieve the boys. However, they replied it was going to be a while because their hands were full. Claire hung up on them and said she would go do it herself, and then she saw Owen on the monitor in trouble with the security guard inside one of the building, so she ran to get his help in rescuing the minor boys. Big brother came across an open gate and wanted to go off-roading and little brother told him they needed to go back because that’s what they were told to do. Zach told Gray he was worried Gray wasn’t getting the full Jurassic World experience and shushed Gray as Zach drove forward into the unknown. Claire found Owen and he was upset with her because she had no idea exactly how old her nephews were, but he said he would help her find them. As they drove through the jungle area of the park, Gray told Zach they were going to get arrested, have their heads shaved, and be forced to make root beer in the toilet. They paused for a moment and the boys argued over how many dinosaurs were in front of them when Gray spotted five because there was one behind him with Indominus’s reflection on the glass. Indominus went after the other smaller dinosaurs and ended up kicking the Gyrosphere, which caused it to spin out of control in the midst of the running dinosaurs. The glass dome ride got in the midst of a battle between two dinosaurs, and a tail flipped their Gyrosphere upside down making it immobile. Right in front of them, Indominus slashed open the leg of a smaller dinosaur and chewed its head off where Gray questioned if they were safe in their contraption and Zach said they totally safe. Claire, while she and Owen drove to the area, tried to call on Zach’s cell phone, but the ringing phone was at the bottom of the contraption while the boys hung upside down in their seatbelts and couldn’t reach the phone. As Zach was almost able to reach the phone, Indominus came closer to their Gyrosphere and had her head pressed against it staring in at the kids. Indominus used a long talon to break the glass instantly and then wrapped her mouth around the globe to pick it up and then smashed it into the ground multiple times to break the glass and get to the people inside. Zach decided to unbuckle their seatbelts and they fell to the ground, and the globe came down on top of them with glass shattering around them. The siblings started running and ended up on a cliff, so they jumped many feet down to the pool of water below and stayed underwater for a few extra seconds until Indominus walked away. They swam to shore. In their Mercedes park SUV with a thin blue line on the side, Claire and Owen searched for the kids.Owen got out with his gun in hand to investigate a fresh kill of one of the dinosaurs. Claire got out to see how bad the animal was wounded because it turned out to still be alive. For the first time, Claire touched a dinosaur and felt something different than it just being a number on paper, and then the dinosaur died with Claire and Owen sitting present. They walked a little further over the hill and saw five other dead dinosaurs on the ground. Owen pointed out the predator didn’t eat any of the animals but was killing them all for sportas he looked upon the dead carcasses in front of them and one behind them. Barry told Owen on the radio they had a situation with Hoskins as his crew was on standby, but the connection was bad and he got no response. Owen and Claire found the Gyrosphere, where Jimmy Fallon still talked and hoped everybody had a good ride (as no major disaster just happened). Claire and Owen then saw the destruction surrounding the attack site. Owen took out one of Indominus’s teeth that was embedded into the machine and he put it in his pocket as Claire found Zach’s smashed cell phone on the ground. Owen pointed to the footprints in the mud and told Claire to think positive because the boys made it out alive. They tracked the prints to the waterfall, where Claire was happy they jumped into the water and started shouting their names like a brainless wonder. Owen silenced her because he didn’t want to be the next meal of Indominus. Claire lowered her voice to a whisper and asked Owen if he could catch the boys’ scent or track the footprints of the missing boys, and he replied he was with the Navy, not the Navajo. Owen tried to convince her to go back by herself while he followed the tracks, but Claire wasn’t having any of that and Claire rolled up the sleeves of her prim and proper dress shirt, revealed her tank top underneath her shirt by turning her clothing into G.I. Jane on a mission attire to show how tough she was and that she could keep up with Navy Owen, who told her he was in charge and it would be just like taking a stroll through the woods 65 million years ago (except in this period of time he had a high-powered gun with him so it really wasn’t.) Zach and Gray came across the site where they found a destroyed UTV and a bloody hat belonging to one of the men killed by Indominus. They saw the door to the enclosure, so they pushed the doors open and ventured inside. Zach picked up a large item and a piece of cloth on the ground, and Zach used the matches that Gray carried with him to set the cloth wrapped around the bone on fire. They came across an old warehouse from the days of Jurassic Park, where they found a 1992 Jeep Wrangler Sahara in sand beige. Zach mentioned Grandpa’s Malibu they fixed one time and they started working on the Jeep to get out of there. Back in the control room, Lowery told Masrani and Vivian that every time Indominus killed, she moved south so she was headed right for the main park area because she could sense thermal radiation and their evacuation plan put all the humans in one area to be sitting ducks. Hoskins came in and held up his InGen (sounded like “injun,” when he said it) badge to the security guard and told Masrani that he worked for two years on an application for the Raptors and said they could hunt and kill Indominus. Masrani responded that Hoskins’ program was only to test the Raptors’ intelligence, and Hoskins replied they did just that and in the process they learned that the Raptors could follow orders and that was the solution to their problem. Masrani flatly stated it was up for no debate that those unpredictable Raptors were going to be let loose on his island. Hoskins said Masrani was out of his mind because he had 20,000 people there and the killing machine was headed right for them all and they had no place to go. Masrani said he would look into the Hoskins’ project to determine its viability within the moral principles of his company, and Hoskins agreed. Masrani then took off in a helicopter because his flight instructor was tied up in the evacuation. Masrani assured Vivian that he didn’t need somebody to fly the machine because he was well trained even though he didn’t yet have his license. The boys managed to get the Jeep up and running, and Gray pointed out that Zach failed his drivers’ test and Zach said not the exam part, just the driving part. Teen Zach behind the wheel took off and drove the brothers out into the woods. Owen and Claire just missed the boys because they were minutes behind them. They couldn’t believe the boys were able to fix one of the old Jeeps and get it started. Owen and Claire were then trapped in front of the other broke down Jeep with Owen’s gun left alongside the Jeep with Indominus close by. The monster backed away because she couldn’t flip the Jeep over to see what was on the other side. Owen quickly grabbed his gun just seconds before Indominus came crashing through the roof. They ran out of the enclosure back the way they came with the very angry and dangerous killer Indominus hot on their trail. Claire, as they ran, called Lowery and told him where she was at and asked for the ACU to bring in real guns to the scene, but Lowery replied that ACU already left the park and took the helicopter. Masrani asked the men in the helicopter if they were ever in the Armed Forces, and they replied Afghanistan. Masrani then asked if their general ever flew into battle with them as though he was better than a US military general. They spotted Indominus from the helicopter and started shooting at her with a machine gun. The beast then smashed headfirst through a large glass dome into the flying dinosaurs’ birdcage. However, the dino flyers flew out of the enclosure and up into the helicopter where it knocked the gunman out of the open door and he held onto the gun for dear life as he dangled from the aircraft for just a few seconds before one of the flying dinosaurs grabbed him altogether. Another dino flyer flew into the passenger military man’s glass window and impaled the passenger man. Masrani then lost control of the helicopter because all of the flying creatures around him and he crashed into the birdcage, which caused an explosion on impact (killing Masrani) after breaking through the glass ceiling and the fire scared Indominus away. Vivian started crying back at the control center while the rest of the flying dinosaurs escaped through the hole in the roof. Owen and Claire ran for the trees to escape the predators. The boys, laughing it up and having the time of their lives as teen Zach drove the Jeep through fences then caught sight of the flying dinosaurs in their vehicle mirrors and Gray realized they weren’t as safe as Zach had said again. The boys came upon a gate, where men were stood with big guns guarding the area. The boys screamed at them to open the gate and the men just stood there until they looked up at the sky and understood why. Zara called Claire and told her the boys were coming in the west gate so she told Zara to stay with them while she hopped on an ATV sitting behind Owen, they got the vehicle from ground control. On the PA system, it was announced that all guests must take shelter immediately due to a containment anomaly. However, as that was announced a whole bunch of identifiable flying objects appeared in the sky. The people-eating dinosaurs in flight picked off people in the crowd and destroyed the area. Zara was carried away by one of the creatures because she was trying to get the boys to come with her because they were standing there staring at the monsters and ignoring their caretaker. Zara was dropped into the water and several dinosaurs went after her underneath the surface. One picked Zara up and tried to carry her out of the water still in one piece. The boys heard her screams and witnessed the Mosasaurus jumping up out of the water and swallowing Zara along with the Pteranodon in one gulp. Claire decided to stand on top of something and scream for Zach and Gray as the Pteranodon’s flew about and the people surrounding her shot at flying killers. One attacked Owen and he attempted to use strength to fight it off until Claire came over and pounded the dinosaur in the head with a gun and then shot it, saving Owen’s life. Owen stood up and kissed Claire with the boys watching and almost not recognizing their aunt because her clothes were now ripped and she was completely dirty harry from head to toe. Claire quickly reunited with the boys before they sought shelter. Meanwhile, Hoskins and his men stormed into the control room and said that Simon Marsani’s death was a tragedy and the new mission was to prevent further loss of life because Hoskins was taking over with his goons. He told everybody to get out because they were all relieved of duty, and there was a new team, Hoskins’ team, in charge of the situation. As one of Hoskins’ helicopters approached the island, a man inside shot a PteranoDon while in flight. Claire called Lowery and he was still in the control room. Lowery whispered to his boss it was a bad idea to come there because the board assigned emergency ops to InGen’s private security division, meaning Hoskins was in charge and he had an insane plan to use the Raptors to hunt the Indominus. Owen told Claire to get the kids somewhere safe. A bunch of people stampeded through one of the gates, so Owen used an unoccupied thin blue line vehicle with Claire and the kids and brought them the Raptor place. The kids didn’t want to stay with Claire, they wanted to stay with Owen because they felt safer with him and so did Claire. Barry (Frenchman) told Hoskins that the Raptors usually looked at what they wanted to look at and ate what they wanted to eat. Owen pulled up in his #7 Mercedes-Benz suv and got out to address madman Hoskins with a punch to the face after Hoskin said the mother hen finally arrived. Hoskins took Jesus’ name in vain and after Claire pointed out that Hoskins wanted this pandemic to happen all along, Owen told Hoskin to stay away from his Raptors and get off the property. Hoskins ranted about how a cruise ship was going to show up the following day with newscaster who would report how their animals saved lives because InGen and their way of doing things took over. Hoskins went on to say how tomorrow everyone will be watching a news story about how the Raptors saved lives and went on to say it was happening with or without their cooperation. Barry tried to tell Owen that Hoskin’s idea was crazy but Owen didn’t respond. Owen explained to the team then that they knew where Indominus was and they were now playing the scent game that they trained for numerous times before. He told everyone to wait to engage because Raptors were pack hunters and they liked to herd their prey into a kill zone. Owen said that is when they have the opportunity to take down Indomiun and give that beast every thing they got but not to shoot the Raptors. Then, Owen explained to the young boys that Blue (female) was the Beta of the pack and that Owen (male) was the alpha. Claire then put the kids in the back of a large military truck and told them to use the window if they needed to communicate with her, as she would be sitting up front. The brothers had a heart to heart conversation then and said they would be there for each other no matter what. Owen then gave the four Raptors a whiff of the scent from the tracker skin that Indominus ripped out of her body. Owen and Barry rode an ATV and a motorcycle to lead the way following the Raptors. Claire stayed in the front of the truck on her laptop tracking the hunting party. The kids opened the window and Zach told his aunt that her boyfriend was a bada** for driving a motorcycle through the woods with deadly creatures with him. The Raptors slowed down so the people stopped and pulled their guns out. Claire told the boys they weren’t going to watch and closed the window on them. However, the small Raptors didn’t go after Indominus when she appeared in the clearing and instead communicated to her as though she were family. Barry noticed something was not quite right because the Raptors were not attacking. Owen then realized that Indominus was part Raptor and that is why Wu never revealed the complete genetic makeup of Indominus. Hoskins didn’t like the ground crew pausing and told them to light up Indominus so they did.However, she went down but got back up and ran off while the trees burned around her as though she were bulletproof and fireproof. Owen told everyone to watch their six because the Raptors got a new alpha (female Indominus). The Raptors then started attacking the Hoskins crew on the ground. Owen came in contact with one of his Raptors then but didn’t shoot it as the Raptor and him made eye contact. However, behind the Raptor someone shot it with a firebomb and it took out the Raptor and Owen wasn’t happy about that. Then, the ground crew were instructed to fall back and left the people behind (Barry and Owen) on foot to fend for themselves. Owen hopped on his motorcycle to distract Blue away from Barry who hid in a log and was trapped. In the truck, Claire told the kids that it was ok to lie when a child is scared and that they would be back home tomorrow and their mom would never let them near her again. As she spoke, a bloody hand scared everyone inside the truck and a man’s voice told Claire to get out of dodge because the man with the plan is sitting cozy back at the control room and everyone else was dying in the field. The bloodied man then opened the back of the truck to jump in with the boys screaming the Raptors were coming and then a Raptor jumped on the man and ate him while the young boys watched in horror. When Claire hit the gas, the man fell back and the Raptor finished him off in the street. Claire told the boys (with the back door open) to hold on as a Raptor smashed its head through the driver’s window. Claire was able to knock it out into the roadway but another Raptor came on scene. Zach decided to start tossing things from the back of the vehicle in hopes of slowing down the Raptors in pursuit. Claire hit one Raptor with the side of the truck and took it out. The boys figured out how to turn the shock weapon on and used the taser to get rid of the second Raptor that jumped into the back of the moving vehicle. Owen caught up to Claire in the truck and told her they needed to get inside. However, Barry was not with him. Claire then called her employee, Lowery, and told him to get a chopper ready because they were close to him. Meanwhile, Dr. Wu in his lab told his staff that everything needed to be accounted for and that all backup generators needed to be online. Then, Hoskins called Dr. Wu on his cell phone (the two were in on it together) and told Wu there was a change of plans because their mission failed. Hoskins told Wu he would be taking everything off site. Wu replied that the embryos were safe in his lab and could live up to eight weeks in the generators. Hoskins told Wu that the park would be Chapter 11 by morning and that was not happening and Hoskins didn’t want a bunch of lawyers messing around with something they didn’t understand. As the visitors were packed like sardines in a waiting area, they were told by the PA that anther Ferry would be departing soon and those many attacked by the flying dinos would still be treated medically at health service station on site. As Vivian told Lowry she was leaving on the ferry he tried to kiss her bye but she informed him she had a boyfriend and he didn’t know that because she kept it personal and separate from work so they hugged instead as Lowry stayed behind. Dr. Wu and the ”assets” (possibly more Indominus creatures) were then loaded on a helicopter and the man told Wu that Hoskins wanted Wu safe out of the way and wasn’t going with him. The female PA news announcer kept speaking as though nothing out of the ordinary happened at the Park and thanked everyone for coming and mentioned Margaritaville as Owen and Clarie and the boys arrived back inside the park. As they ran to the control room, Claire noticed the lab had been evacuated, but Wu left the experimental creatures behind in their enclosures. Hoskins came into the lab and told Claire that it was above her paygrade to know what they were doing with the lab embroyos and said Dr. Wu worked for him.As Hoskins tried to enlighten everyone about indestructible military weapon dinosaurs and evolution, another loose Raptor arrived, stalked, and then cornered him…and then ate Hoskins in front of the young children. Claire, Owen and the boys then ran away. Then, three Raptors surrounded the foursome outside the building. Owen tried to speak to Blue and dropped his gun and reached around and undid the device attached to the Raptor. Indominous then arrived. However, Blue decided to join Owen’s side again and when she communicated that to Indominous, the large monster threw Blue into the side of the building. Owen gave a command to the other two Raptors to attack Indominus and they did so the humans could run past the beast. Owen then used his gun to shoot at Indominus. That did little to bring down Indominus. Genius Grey told Claire they needed more teeth because there were only two Raptors attacking the giant. Claire left the kids and grabbed something out of the first aid box and ran. Indominus easily threw off and killed the other two Raptors. Owen made it to the kids just as Indominus arrived. Claire called Lowery on the radio she retrieved and told him to open paddock #9 (T-Rex) and release the creature inside and told Lowrey to be a man for once in his life and just do it. Using some flares, Claire led the second large dinosaur monster to the area of Indominus. The two monsters dinos fought it out upon meeting.Miraculously, Blue arrived too and jumped on the backs of the creatures to join the fight. That helped the humans escape the area that was being completely destroyed by the fighting demon dinos who only knew how to kill. As the combat went close to the water, the Mosasaurus jumped out of the water and clasped the neck of Indominus and pulled her under the surface to finish her off. (Why wasn’t there any gates protecting this area of water from people because it was right next to the shopping center and at any given time the Mossasurus could have done the same to the people?) Blue then made eye contact with Owen and decided to run off in another direction without killing the humans. The T-Rex dinosaur that Claire let out left the area to lick its wounds too. Barry was scene the next day with all the survivors, medical staffers and rescue responders helping the wounded (no police on sight). Karen and Scott showed up to retrieve Zach and Gray. Everyone hugged it out then, including Aunt Claire. Owen then told Claire that they needed to stick together for survival purposes, so they did. The movie ended with the T-Rex growling from a rooftop building on the island.  The movie cover art listed US Weekly, “Flat out astonishes.” On less than 250 million budget, this movie grossed over 1.6 billion at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/16/23

TITLE: Contest

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2013 Arc Entertainment/The Contest, LLC/Perlocate Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with high-schooler Tommy Dolen being thrown into the school swimming pool by the swim team, led by their captain, Matt Prylek. This resembled what Tommy’s dad did to him when he was younger by trying to teach Tommy how to swim, but failed. Tommy still couldn’t swim and was about to drown in the deep end until one of the boys jumped in and saved him. Out on the street, there were younger kids laughing at Tommy after the delinquints conned him into giving them a dollar by saying their parents lost their jobs, which wasn’t true. Tommy helped his grandmother raising him because his parents were dead, Angela Maria Tucci, at her pizza restaurant. Tommy told Angela that the bullying was a daily thing with Matt and his gang doing the name-calling, texts, online humiliation, taking pictures, and stealing lunches. He was interrupted by a TV advertisement for the Teen Chef Cooking Contest, where the winner would receive their own teen TV show plus a special grand prize that was yet to be revealed. They turned the TV off, and Tommy told Angela that he didn’t want enter the contest even though she wanted him to. Sarah, a girl who Tommy had a crush on, then sat down at a table and Angela told him to go wait on her table and start a conversation. However, after he walked away Angela turned the TV back on, where the host announced that the prize was $50,000 and the third contestant was Tommy Dolen because Angela entered him without his knowledge. When Tommy heard that, he tripped, and the contents of one of the several plates he was balancing on his arms landed in Sarah’s hair. The next morning, Tommy went to pay the restaurant rent to Ned Foley, the landlord, as he did every month. This time was different though, because when Tommy walked into the backyard he overheard Ned, sitting by his large swimming pool and tweezing his eyebrows, on the phone saying that he sold all the buildings on the block, including the pizzeria that Angela was leasing. Ned’s only problem was Angela, who Ned said had been there since the War of 1812 and didn’t understand why the chain places weren’t killing her. Ned went on to say that he was screwed if Angela remembered the clause Ned’s grandfather put in her lease, which was she needed to either buy the property if it was ever sold (which Ned just did) or vacate the premises. He told the person on the other end (Matt’s older brother, Kyle, who was raised his little brother because their parents were dead too) that if Angela became a problem, he would need Kyle to help out, and if he did help, Ned would give Kyle the demolition job and other bonuses. Tommy decided that he was not going to withdraw from the contest like he had planned to do because he wanted to win and help his parent, Angela, save her pizzeria. Meanwhile, Matt and parent, (older brother) Kyle, sat in the vice principal’s office because Matt’s actions at the school swimming pool were caught on camera. VP Ms. Sykes informed them that as per their new zero-tolerance policy, effectively immediately, Matt was suspended from all extracurricular activities, and any infraction of any school rule could result in expulsion and homeschooling until June. She then changed her mind and decided that if Matt became an anti-bullying role model in 30 days, she would restore all of his extracurricular activities. This meant he would be expected to go out of his way to be kind to the bullied kids, starting with Tommy. When Matt came out of the principal’s office, he spotted his swim team buddies, now with Joe leading the bully boys, ganging up on Tommy again and Matt yelled at them to stop. Brother Kyle later told Matt that he would play along with the being-nice-to-Tommy-and-helping-Tommy-win-the-contest thing, but then the two of them would ruin the contest in a way where the blame wouldn’t stick to Matt and he wouldn’t get expelled. Kyle’s entire plan was to recruit his little brother Matt to sabotage the contest (meaning Tommy wouldn’t win and Angela would lose the pizzeria to Ned and he could demolish the building) by promising Matt college and a swim career, which Kyle could supply thanks to his connections with wealthy Ned and the bonuses he would receive in exchange for doing Ned’s bidding. Matt agreed to go along with it, and he knocked on Tommy’s front door and apologized for the pool incident. Tommy sensed that something was up, but then Angela came to the door and invited Matt inside for dinner that Tommy cooked. The next day in the school cafeteria, Matt sat down next to Tommy and played Mr. Nice Guy telling Tommy he wanted to be his bodyguard so Tommy wouldn’t get bullied anymore. Matt’s old pals then appeared, and Joe tried to bully Tommy but Matt punched Joe in the stomach (on school property), which knocked him to the floor. Matt gave Joe a hard kick before he left with Tommy in tow. Tommy needed to have two other people on his team in order to compete, so he pointed out the two guys he picked out. One of them was Philip, who was shy and hadn’t spoken all last year. Matt took that to mean Philip couldn’t talk, so he went and asked Philip for a pen and paper so they could communicate since Matt couldn’t do sign language. When he didn’t get a response, he started making gestures and continued to speak in a loud voice as if he were talking to a slow person. It turned out Philip could speak, but he preferred not to very often because he was usually bullied for his Australian accent. Out in the hallway, Tommy and Matt told Philip the details of the contest, and he agreed to be on their team. Tommy then spotted Bobby Butler, his other team choice, and Matt walked over to Bobby and told him he was now on their team. Matt later approached three girls, the Bartosh cousins who were competing as Team Anya, and told him that he could get them all tickets to a show and then they would go to a beach party at the lake. He reminded the girls to bring their thongs, and the girls slapped the boys because they didn’t know Matt was just repeating what Philip said when he was referring to flip-flops. Team Tommy went on the first episode of the cooking show, where the host, Rip Barker, introduced the other two new contestants, Team Anya from Detroit by way of Ukraine (Ukraine girls), and Team Dennis from Connecticut. The next day, Tommy got a letter addressed to Angela from Foley Management LLC that stated, according to the terms of her lease (the “clause” she didn’t know about), unless she purchased the pizzeria, she would need to vacate the business premises by the end of the month. Matt then came in and started staring weirdly at Tommy telling him that he needed to make eye contact with his audience. Tommy replied that at least his advice wasn’t the same as his grandmother’s, which was to picture his audience naked. Meanwhile, Ned told Kyle that he needed his help because Angela’s grandson was on a TV show. Kyle replied that he was already on it because he had his brother on the inside. Tommy found out the real reason why Matt was being so nice to him and helping with the contest when he overheard Matt’s buddies saying he was suspended. Kyle told Matt that Tommy must trust him by now, and that Kyle would tell Matt how to blow the competition on the next episode once Tommy announced the food culture he and his team would cook. Kyle recruited Joe, who left a puddle of olive oil in one of the school rooms, which Bobby slipped in and broke his arm. Matt knew it was Joe and confronted him when he came out of the shower. Joe explained that the plan was for the accident to happen to Tommy, and that Matt’s alibi would be he was with Ms. Sykes. The idea had been to get one of the boys off the team so Matt would take his place and have a better chance of ruining the contest. Matt suggested they cook Italianfood, but Tommy decided to change it to Hawaiian right before the show. Team Dennis chose British and Team Anya chose French for their cuisines. Sarah was sitting in the audience during the show and noticed how Matt and Kyle were exchanging glances right before Matt pretended to almost drop the platter holding his team’s food creation but caught it just in time. Kyle later told Matt that their dad used to say to kill each other in fun, but don’t raise your hands to your brothers even once in anger. Kyle was angry that Matt didn’t go along with his plan the last time, so again he mentioned the benefits Matt would get if he continued their double-dealing game. Matt argued that he was starting to like the anti-bullying thing and wanted to keep being friends with Tommy. Joe then told Tommy to stay away from Matt because he just lost his dream college opportunity because of his school suspension (might not be true) and Matt blamed Tommy, so their friendship was a joke and added that Matt secretly laughed at Tommy behind his back. On the next episode, Team Tommy didn’t do well because Tommy’s head wasn’t in the game and he ended up squirting a condiment onto Matt’s shirt. Kyle had instructed Joe to distract one of the girls from Team Anya backstage, and the girls were disqualified when all three didn’t come onto the stage after being called several times. Sarah witnessed Kyle and Ned exchanging looks in the audience, and she later tried to tell Tommy about it but he accused her of being nosy and said she was more of a drama queen than a blogger who liked to cause trouble and make sure her gossip came true. Matt kept putting off his brother’s questionable plan, but then Kyle, with a bloody face, said he was in trouble and that Matt needed to blow the contest the following night or it was do or die for Kyle (when in fact Kyle used his own belt buckle to inflict the injury on himself and make it more convincing). After Matt left the building, Kyle called Joe and told him that once they got Matt expelled, Joe would take his place on the swim team, so that was why trader Joe was helping Matt’s big brother Kyle. Angela didn’t find out about the lease issue until she came home and read a letter from Foley Management telling her she had five days to vacate her restaurant. When Joehad been speaking on the phone to Kyle, he stood inside Angela’s house because he broke in through the unlocked door. Joe poured oil on the floor and left Matt’s hat (pin the blame on Matt) on the floor. Angela slipped in the oil, and since Tommy was away it wasn’t until the next day that he came home to see the doctor leaving the house after tending to Angela, who was now in bed. Matt knocked on the door, and Tommy screamed at him to get out thinking Matt was responsible for his grandmother’s accident after he saw the hat. However, Tommy had a change of heart and decided to give Matt the benefit of the doubt after having a talk with his parent, Angela. Matt sat in Angela’s room with her and Tommy present and spoke to Kyle over the phone pretending that he was all in on Kyle’s plan, but once Matt hung up it was revealed he was actually on Tommy’s side and discussed his plan to win the contest. Kyle called Joe and expressed his concerns that Matt was going to double-cross him again because he was too agreeable about putting liquid laxative into his team’s dough before the show. His assumption was correct and it turned out that Matt did not tamper with the dough, as Kyle had wanted him to. Kyle then had the two young brothers (one of whom was deaf) from Team Dennis put the liquid in the dough. At the Teen Chef Final Showdown, it was down to the dessert round when Kyle texted Joe to get ready. Joe ran out onstage and told Rip that Matt sabotaged the dough. Matt argued that the dough was fine, but Joe insisted that Matt put enough liquid laxatives in the dough to suck out the judges’ intestines. The boys from Team Dennis who actually put the laxatives in the dough backed up Joe’s story. Tommy didn’t believe that and said he trusted Matt, and Kyle stood up in the audience and said he trusted Matt too because they were brothers and Matt would never do anything like that. Kyle vouched for Matt’s integrity and asked for the dough to be tested. It was discovered that the dough was in fact tainted, but Rip went on to say that the rules stated the team captain could remove the guilty individual from their team and have a redo. Tommy said that win or lose they were a team and he wasn’t going to fire Matt. As a result, Team Tommy was disqualified and Team Dennis won. Backstage, teens Tommy and Sarah started kissing. The next day at the special edition last episode of Teen Chef, one of the boys who was involved in contaminating the dough decided to spill the beans that he, his brother, Dennis, Joe, and Kyle were all in on the scheme. The young boy explained everything that happened, and that ended in Rip announcing the real winners of the contest, Team Tommy. Just as Kyle was leaving the scene, Ned told him that the demolition was off and as far as any future work went, Kyle should just move to Antarctica. The female Bartosh cousins (Ukrainians) then went and started slapping the boys who were involved in having the girls disqualified. One month later, the winners used the $50,000 prize to buy back Angela’s restaurant, and Tommy’s name was added to the restaurant name to now read, Tommy and Angela Maria’s. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/15/23

TITLE: Cross Creek

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1983 Lionsgate / Studio Canal / Universal Pictures / Thorn EMI Screen Ent.

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie started with Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings narrating that her journey began in New York in 1928 with her marriage to Charles Rawlings where she had been writing gothic romances because those were the most popular and would sell. Marjorie wanted to be a writer ever since she was a child and she was desperate to express herself. In present day, Marjorie and Charles discussed how Marjorie’s editor, Max Perkins, declined her short story, which led to Marjorie and Charles arguing about the orange grove in Florida she just bought sight unseen without telling Charles about it until that moment. Charles and Marjorie decided to go their separate ways because he had no desire to leave his NY newspaper reporter job (was an avid yacht enthusiast too) to go to a hick town called Cross Creek and grow oranges just so his wife could write the great American novel (there was no USA flag easily visible amongst the many foreign flags waving in the background of the scene at the country club event they attended). Marjorie’s car broke down as she made it to Cross Creek. She went on to say that after thirty years of urban life, she was not prepared for small-town Florida. The hotel manager, Norton Baskin, left his hotel because business was slow and offered to drive Marjorie to her destination and added that she needed to get a new car. She replied she had no need for one because she liked walking. Norton informed Marjorie that no more than a dozen families had ever lived in Cross Creek and that it was her business if the attractive woman that she was wanted to seclude herself out in the middle of nowhere to write her gothic novel. He dropped her off and told her it was no charge for the ride because the way he saw it, she would be back living at his hotel before morning since the cabin was run down. Marjorie’s plan had been to live off from the orange crop from the grove, and since she filed from divorce from Charles she didn’t want to ask him for money even though the grove hadn’t been maintained in a long time and was in ruins. She got the old generator started for electricity and cleaned up the place and put her heart into her new home. For whatever reason, she and Charles never had children together. A woman then showed up at Marjorie’s porch while she was typewriting her novel outside telling Marjorie that she was the person to hire for the job, so Marjorie explained the wages were low, but Geechee was happy to have a job at all and she excitedly said she would return the following day with her things. The next day, neighbors Marsh Turner (with his gun in hand) and his eldest daughter, Ellie, showed up at Marjorie’s doorstep. After Marjorie told Marsh that she was going to paint her own house and fix her own roof, he told her to holler at him if she fell off the roof and broke her leg, and then he departed telling her some sage and lily rootwould help her with the rash on her arm. As Marsh and Ellie were about to get into their boat, Mr. Turner shot a deadly cottonmouth snake, which scared the daylights out of Marjorie. Geechee showed up and Marjorie told her to put her things in the room behind the kitchen. Geechee, who was extremely overjoyed to be living there, went inside and started cleaning, out of Marjorie’s way, after Marjorie said she needed her privacy in order to write and didn’t want to be disturbed unless it was a life or death situation. The next morning, Ellie showed up with an adorable spotted fawn walking with her to bring Marjorie ointment for her rash from her dad and told her to apply it three times every day and then invited Marjorie to a pound party (where everybody brought a pound of something, such as sugar, butter, or cake) next Saturday that her mom, Lily, was putting on. Ellie had named the fawn Flag and told Marjorie that her dad didn’t let her keep pets around because milk was scarce, but Ellie gave her milk to her deer instead of drinking it herself. Ellie said her mom taught her how to read and she was good with her gun, which her dad taught her, and that was all she needed for school. The next morning, as Marjorie wrote at the table inside with her nightgown on, Norton came through the door for a visit. Geechee tried to get him out of the house because Marjorie was not to be disturbed in her writing. Norton told Marjorie he brought her a car to try out because it was a long walk into town and even though she said she couldn’t afford a car, he replied that she could afford this one and asked her to come outside with him to see it. Norton wasn’t going to take no for an answer and told Marjorie how pigheaded she was being because she still didn’t want to go outside but he said since she had nobody to rely on and he knew she didn’t like to take charity, so he decided to have her old car fixed for her so she could at least have a vehicle to get to town when she needed to so she wasn’t stranded. He told her it was a gift and he was sorry if it offended her, but he didn’t come to her house to get anything from her in return for the gift. She ran after him and asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee, and then he held the door open and Marjorie saw the upgraded and newly blue painted vehicle, and she was overwhelmed and pleasantly surprised by his kindness. Marjorie said the car looked brand-new, and Norton said all it needed was a little love and affection, and then she drove him back to town. Marjorie and Norton made an agreement that Marjorie would pay Norton back once she could afford it for the repaired car. Marjorie made it to the pound party with a cake and met Ellie’s mom who was playing the piano outside and Ellie’s three younger siblings. Nobody else showed up to the party, and the children were all drooling over Marjorie’s cake since that seemed to be all the refreshments because the mom didn’t have too much to offer. The children seemed to have good manners, and Ellie fed Flag chocolate cake under the table. Marsh came back to the house and interrupted the party, where he tried to tell Ellie to tie Flag out back, but she was afraid the wildcats would get him. The tension in the air was obvious between Marsh and his family that something wasn’t right especially with his wife and him, so he decided to take Marjorie home. In the boat, Turner told Marjorie that he married his wife because he couldn’t take his eyes off her but he should never have done that because she was just a visitor at a dance when they met and was not used to the secluded life on the creek, so her mind was beginning to slip away because of the harsh lifestyle (and no doubt the questionable and alcoholic husband’s treatment of her and the children) so she was finding a better place to live in her own world through her music and whatnot. Marsh stopped the boat at the River Styx, and Marjorie was concerned because she lived at Cross Creek, but he told her that he wanted her to meet somebody. Marsh introduced Marjorie to young moonshining Paul and told Paul that Marjorie was looking for hired help. Marjorie sampled some of the moonshine and was surprised that Marsh found out she was a writer. Marsh also told Paul that he was working for Marjorie now and left Marjorie out of the decision-making. Marsh called Marjorie a Yankee and told her he would take her on a gator hunt later. Marsh later decided he was the giving person and brought an old bed in great condition to Marjorie that had been in his barn for the last fifty years that he knew now was just waiting for Marjorie’s arrival. Marjorie thought it was a nice gift. Before Marsh left, he said he would take Marjorie on a gator hunt, but maybe they would start out with an easier bear hunt. Marjorie seemed to find a sense of peace in her new home and Paul watched over the grove while Geechee took care of the house as Marjorie continued writing. Marjorie said sometimes in the distance in the Hammock Swamp, she could hear the felling of cypress trees. After weeks of writing, Marjorie’s funds depleted and she still hadn’t accomplished much in ways of supporting herself, let alone the people working for her. Madman Marsh later showed up drunk on his horse and told Marjorie that if his hogs went bothering her flowerbed again, then they were hers because they had just escaped from his house and eaten her flowers. Geechee interrupted Marjorie reading in her room one night and told Marjorie she needed help reading letters from her man. It was addressed to Beatrice (Geechee). Geechee told Marjorie that she needed her help to get her boyfriend out of state prison because all Marjorie would have to do was write a letter to the state and tell them she was giving him a job. Marjorie read on that he was in prison for twenty years for manslaughter. Geechee replied that Leroy (her boyfriend) didn’t do anything and it was the other nigger who did it. Geechee told Marjorie that money didn’t matter whether she could pay Leroy or not and if Marjorie wrote the superintendent a letter, the state official would listen because Marjorie was a writer. Marjorie agreed to do it for her housemaid. Paul’s cousin Tim and Tim’s wife came out to the grove to help Paul with the chores. Marjorie told Tim that he and his wife could stay in the shack at the end of the grove. Paul told Marjorie that her crop might die if they didn’t get water because it was dammed up and he and Tim were trying to free the water, so Marjorie took off her city-slicker shoes and went barefoot country to haul the debris out of the way in her dress. Young teen Tim later told Marjorie that his wife needed to use the water pump once a day because she was about to have a child. Later on, Tim (Paul’s cousin) brought his barefoot and pregnant wife of about sixteen years old to Marjorie’s to fetch some water as she sang “Jacob’s Ladder.” Marjorie then mailed her completed gothic story to her editor Max, and it was about an English tutor and her misadventures in a nobleman’s ancient castle. Marjorie confidently sent the story off to Max knowing she would finally be published because she thought it was her best story yet. With five people working around the property, they were able to get water supplied to the orange grove. Norton then had a very gracious dinner prepared by Marjorie with her own Southern pecan pie recipe, and he loved it. That led to a romantic relationship between Marjorie and her handsome rescuer Norton spending the night.Another day, Marjorie went to check on Tim’s very young wife and her newborn and left clothes for the baby while the two slept in their cabin. Another day, Marjorie again checked back on the baby and Tim’s wife. Tim’s teen wife told Marjorie that the mosquitos in their shack ate them alive because there were no screens on the windows and there were ants in the food.Marjorie told her it was a nice baby, and the very young female mom replied that Tim’s and her other baby didn’t last until spring in their care and hoped this one would fare better at least until winter arrived. Tim came on scene then and explained that white women didn’t ask other white women to do their wash or carry their slops and told Marjorie that him, his wife, and newborn would be leaving the area and going back to live in the woods together as they were before. Marjorie then got a letter from editor Max telling her that he was returning her manuscript and explained it was because her writing was technically perfect, but it was an imitation of work from other authors.  However, he said Marjorie’s letters describing her life in Cross Creek were alive and full of emotion and he recommended she started writing about her new homeland because he could feel her passion when she wrote about Cross Creek. He added that it told not trivial facts but human motives and the secrets of human hearts. Max said don’t write stories about English tea parties and gothic tales she knew nothing about, but instead about the child who wanted a deer and the young couple who chose to live in the woods versus conforming to the ways of civilization. Marjorie was short with Norton before she drove home in her car from town, but he gave her encouraging words that he believed her to be good at whatever she put her heart into and knew how rough it had been since her move to the area and how it was such a culture shock on her system and not to give up hope just because one editor turned her down. Marjorie couldn’t sleep that night, so she got out her bottle and started drinking the local moonshine that Paul supplied. After rereading part of the rejection letter from her editor, she ran out into the pouring down rain in the night in her sleepwear and started walking down the road. She ran back to her house because then she had an inspirational idea for a new book and instead of going to sleep she got out her typewriter and began writing her story into the morning with Geechee quietly delivering her breakfast and tiptoeing quickly back out of the room so as not to interrupt Marjorie’s train of thought. Marjorie didn’t stop until the next evening and kept pouring herself more alcohol to celebrate her latest story. She then heard Marsh’s pigs outside chowing down on the vegetation in the dark and pouring rain. Geechee heard the door bang, so she got up to check on Marjorie and found her coming around the side of the house for a gun, so Geechee screamed at her to put the gun down. Marjorie was under the influence of hard alcohol and the gun went off and scared the pigs and injured one. The explosion from the gun knocked Marjorie to the ground. Geechee picked the gun up and took it away telling her to get in the house, but they both started fighting over the gun and fell in the mud together with Marjorie laughing that she thought she got a pig. The next morning, Marjorie slept off her hangover in bed. Geechee greeted Marsh and Norton at the door and both wanted to speak to Marjorie. Marsh and Norton stayed outside the bedroom door while Geechee told Marjorie to get out of bed because she couldn’t entertain two men in her bedroom. However, Marjorie told Geechee to send both men in. Marjorie sat up in bed and fixed her hair a little and greeted the two men and then asked Geechee to bring them some coffee. They discussed how Marjorie shot Marsh’s pig, but she corrected him that it was her pig because it trespassed and those were Marsh’s words. The men came closer to Marjorie’s bed then to have coffee (with her still in it). Marjorie told them to keep their voices down because she had a hangover headache. Marjorie added some of her alcohol to the men’s coffee as well as her own, and she told Marsh she would pay for his pig. Turner said it was practically a pet and she could have caught it with her bare hands, but she decided to shoot it instead. Marsh said he talked to some of Marjorie’s friends around the area, including Norton, and they assured him she wasn’t the type of person to normally shoot things. Marjorie, now with more alcohol inside her, replied that she would shoot anything that made her angry, and one day it might even be a person. Marjorie added that she couldn’t pay Marsh anything until she earned some money because the last story she wrote was rejected. After he finished his alcoholic morningbeverage, Marsh said he did remember that it was Marjorie’s hog (not his that she shot) and he wished her a good day and was about to leave. Marjorie told Marsh then she wanted the hog so she could cook it for him and Norton for dinner that night. Turner told her she would have that hog by sundown and he left. Geechee then told Norton to leave the house because it was Marjorie’s work time. Before Norton left he told Marjorie that he wanted to read whatever she wrote that day. However, Marjorie (under the influence of strong alcohol) rudely told him her writing was none of his business and told him to leave, and that he did. Marjorie came to her senses quickly and ran outside in her nightclothes after Norton before he could leave and apologized before he could drive off in his automobile. Norton told Marjorie she had quite a temper with shooting pigs and chopping his head off. She replied she was scared stiff and she said she was writing a story about young Tim and his wife (teen pregnancy) and would call it Jacob’s Ladder. Marjorie went on to say that if this story got turned down then she wasn’t meant to be a writer because she put everything she had into the piece of work. She explained the people and Cross Creek were her world and the people there were richer than her imaginary governesses. Norton encouraged her and told her she would do just fine. She had him get out of the car and he stayed for supper and she told him that nothing would happen between the two of them long term wise. Marjorie explained then that Ellie and the yearling were growing up fast. She also told how her grove now thrived with wagonfuls of Florida oranges. One day, Leroy came walking down the lane and Geechee ran to meet him while Marjorie paused in her outdoor typing on the porch to witness the reunion. As the days passed on and Marjorie worked up to ten to twelve hours a day on her writing, she noticed that Leroy did little to help around the grove and instead lazed about under the care of Geechee smoking his cigars and drinking Marjorie’s alcohol. Marjorie explained her divorce had become final and she kept busy working on Jacob’s Ladder. Marjorie wasn’t sure about sending the final draft to Maxwell Perkins because she couldn’t face rejection, not with Jacob’s Ladder. Marjorie interrupted Geechee and Leroy one day fooling around in the kitchen and told Geechee she needed a private conversation with Leroy. Marjorie then told Leroy that Paul needed his help in the orange grove but he said he wasn’t working out there and would chop some wood for her tomorrow…maybe. Marjorie then told Leroy he had to leave her home and told him Geechee would no doubt want to go with him and she was sorry to see her leave but that him being there was not going to work out and then she walked away. Later on, Geechee told Marjorie she packed her things and that she was leaving with Leroy. Marjorie let her walk away but Geechee turned back and asked Marjorie what kind of person would let another go if she cared about her knowing that Leroy would use Geechee until he tired of her while hooking up at those Juke joints on the side and drinking off her paycheck like he used to do.Marjorie told Geechee it was her life and her choice to leave or not but basically mentally disturbed and bum Leroy was not welcome anymore at her home. Geechee told Marjorie that she had a better life at Cross Creek and Marjorie told Geechee she didn’t want her to go. Geechee replied how was she supposed to know that when Marjorie never told her she was welcome there and Geechee thought that she had to go too with Leroy (Leroy more than likely lied to Geechee and told Geechee that Marjorie said Geechee had to leave to.) Marjorie told Geechee that she thought of her as a friend and cared about her. Geechee told Marjorie she would be lonely again if she went back to Leroy and she didn’t want that kind of life and added that she wanted to be independent and strong like Marjorie and not let anyone run her over and be in control like Marjorie of her own life and happiness. Geechee then ran back to the house and told Marjorie she ain’t going on no train with Leroy that’s for sure and was staying with her friend, Marjorie because nobody ever cared enough about Geechee before Marjorie came along. Marjorie told Geechee she was glad she was staying. Marjorie went back to her typing but Geechee said as her friend now she told Marjorie that she had a lot to learn about people because Marjorie cannot let those Marjorie likes walk out on her and she almost lost Geechee and she is close to losing Norton. Marjorie didn’t like to hear that so she told Geechee she wouldn’t discuss it so Geechee went inside the house calling Marjorie a bad tempered woman. The Turner’s then had a dressed up birthday party for Elle with dancing and music another day where Marjorie and Norton attended together. Marsh even put on an act and played the fiddle and sang. Although, it wasn’t long before Marsh complained it was only a chocolate birthday cake that Marjorie baked for Ellie and not bourbon so he said he would sample his own brew then and offered some alcohol to Marjorie and Norton too and his wife Lily. Ellie cut the first piece of cake for her beloved deer flag while her little brother played on his harmonica and their parents danced. When Ellie brought the cake to flag tied up out back, she noticed him missing and called out for help. Flag was in the area not far away and the kids chased the deer around while the adults stood around drinking. Flag ended up eating the cake on the table and knocked it over so then Marsh finally leapt into action but in a bad way by taking a chair and violently smashing it against the table in front of everyone. Marsh then left with the eldest daughter in tow with Flag now on a leash. Lily covered up for her husband’s abuse and then said her husband was a gentleman and whatever he did wrong, Marsh would set right. As they walked, Marsh told his eldest daughter they did an injustice to Flag and he belonged in the woods adding and that they crippled the deer for making a pet out of him. Marjorie and Norton followed the two and chimed in as Ellie cried that she didn’t want to give up her pet deer. Marsh walked away after he told Ellie he would think about keeping the animal and getting a better pen for it. Marjorie starred at the crying child then and walked off too while Norton put his arm around Elle hugging her and comforted her while they walked back to Lily and the other children and left Flag in a makeshift pen tied inside. Marjorie caught up with Marsh and he explained he couldn’t afford to have softness with Elle and explained that his eldest daughter took more of a role of wife by staying up at night waiting on his drunken self for him to come home. Marsh told Marjorie that the animal had to be shot because it was almost full grown and not only would it destroy his crops but Marjorie’s too. Marjorie countered that it was Ellie’s last days of childhood and it would be a stronger fence so the deer wouldn’t get out as though she were wife to Marsh, and not Lily. The new fence for the deer seemed to work as the weeks went by and Marjorie finished Jacob’s Ladder but she didn’t want Max to see it until she felt it perfect. Marjorie had Norton read the story first. Norton told her it was a good story and that Max would like it. He gave her a hug and told her that he may as well bring his suitcase over since he spent so much time at Marjorie’s place. Norton tried to purpose marriage and Marjorie turned her back on him not happy that he wanted marriage. Marjorie told Norton that she didn’t want to get married. Norton couldn’t understand why since he ate with her, slept with her, and read her writing before the editor did. He told her she was so busy writing other people’s lives that she was cutting her own out and not living her own life and that she cannot hide from feelings. Marjorie didn’t like that so she told Norton she wasn’t in love with him. He didn’t believe that and left her home. Marjorie later took a walk and thought that she couldn’t be both a writer and wife because her marriage with Charles proved that to her (but if that were the case, how was she able to write Jacob’s Ladder with Norton there constantly as though the two were already married?).Marjorie chose to isolate herself and she used her work as a refuge. As Marjorie typed outdoors on the porch, editor Max arrived at the house from New England with Norton driving. Max gave Marjorie a bottle of expensive alcohol as a gift because Max drinks only the best. Max said he was visiting Ernest in Key West and wanted to drop by and see her and couldn’t call because Marjorie didn’t have a phone. Max wondered why Marjorie hadn’t written him lately and she told him that she doubted what she wrote would interest Max. Marjorie left to get glasses for everyone and Norton told Max then that Marjorie did not take Max’s last letter of rejection of rejection well (gothic romance).  Marjorie then confronted Max and called him a coward for not telling her the truth about her lousy writing and he admitted he let her waste her time all those years and stalled in telling her. Marjorie was upset because Max made her believe she had talent. Max replied that Marjorie was one of the most talented writers he had the pleasure of working with and he pulled out a package from his jacket and told Marjorie that in her personal letters to him she wrote her best work, not the romance she wrote and called novels. Marjorie told Max she sensed that some time ago and dropped the pile of papers, Jacob’s Ladder story, into the lap of Max then. Marjorie and Geechee prepared dinner as Norton reminded Marjorie her story was good and Max was off in a room reading the finished product himself. Marjorie pointed out that Norton never finished reading it and he said he was never given the chance. Because Max said nothing when he sat down to eat, Marjorie’s nerves were shattered and so she told Max that she wasn’t sure she was yet finished with the material. However, Max told her that he liked her story and he would publish it as it was. Marjorie’s tears turned into happy tears and that brought a smile to her face. Max asked if $700 dollars sounded fair to Marjorie for her story and Marjorie said yes. Another day, Ellie ran to Marjorie’s house and asked for her help because Flag escaped. They ran back to the Turner house where Marsh was in the garden and told Marjorie to go back to her home. Marjorie said she felt responsible for the deer eating his garden but Marsh said it was Ellie’s responsibillity and handed Ellie the gun to shoot her deer with and told her that the family could not starve on the love of an animal. Elle’s father wouldn’t listen to her pleading and crying to save the life of the deer and she tried to say she would build a new fence and grow new crops but Marsh left with his gun. Marjorie told Ellie that she couldn’t stop Marsh as the young girl told Marjorie that it was her deer and didn’t want it shot. Then a gun went off in the distance. Ellie ran to the scene and saw her dead dear and screamed at her “Bubba” (name for dad she used) that she hated him and then started attacking his mean self. All this while Marjorie looked on and Lily was nowhere in sight. Ellie ran off in the woods then. Marjorie said nothing to Marsh and he walked off. On his horse, with his gun in hand and drinking alcohol from his jug, Marsh left the homestead and didn’t bother removing the dead Flag carcass from where he killed it close to home. Marsh rode up to the local pool bar with his horse and after swigging many gulps he threw his jug into the glass window shattering it where many men were inside playing a pool game. Marsh left in a hurry on his horse. The sheriff came out of the bar and identified Marsh before he rounded the corner.The next morning, Marsh searched the property for young Ellie with Lily and the other children unsure of the extent of his anger and craziness of his mood. Lily gathered the children around as Marsh came closer to the house. Marsh smashed another window but in his own house then. He didn’t stop there and turned over a couple of porch tables with many things on them, terrorizing his family again.Lily, holding her younger children close, told Marsh when he came into view that Ellie would come home but Marsh replied it would make no difference and it would never be the same again. Marsh kept drinking throughout the day into the evening. The sheriff made his way to Marsh’s house as Turner sat outside in a drunken stupor with Marsh holding onto his gun. The sheriff told Marsh to put his gun down and Marsh replied if the sheriff wanted it, the gun was his and pointed it at the sheriff. The sheriff shot Marsh dead then. Marjorie voiced that the sheriff shot and Marsh fell and that was the end of ‘glamour’ at Cross Creek. Marjorie went on to say, as a funeral for Marsh occurred, that she was the only one who understood that when Marsh spoke to the Sheriff it was without menace (coming from alcoholic Marjorie herself who people knew to be a wicked witch drunk under the influence too). Marjorie compared the situation with the sheriff and Marsh to her with Marsh and the hog situation. (The two are not the same when clearly Marsh was a abusive drunk who threatened his so called loved ones and killed their beloved pets while he smashed glass and destroyed everything in his path without remorse during his raged fits because his constant drug addiction caused irreversible damage to his family and ruled his woke mind.) Ellie told Marjorie she didn’t belong at the Turner house and that she wished Marjorie never came to Cross Creek and told her to take her stories and let them be as she was not one of them, during her dad’s funeral. Geechee later spotted Marjorie going out on the lake alone in her motorboat. Marjorie narrated and said she loved the creek and loved the grove and suddenly they were nothing to her and she deeply mourned the loss of Marsh Turner. Many hours passed and Geechee waited at the dock for Marjorie to return. Marjorie did not return but instead lay in the bottom of the floating boat drifting in the swampy night. The next morning, Marjorie awoke inside the small boat, stood up and sat back down to start the motor back for home. Upon arrival, Geechee ran from the house crying and laughing happy that Marjorie was alive. Another time, Marjorie and Geechee awoke in the middle of the night to help Paul protect the orange grove from frost by building fires in the area. Ellie and her younger siblings also came to help Marjorie’s grove. Marjorie and Elle hugged it out and made amends. Norton arrived in his car to help. In the morning, Norton and Marjorie talked because they had been distant until the night before. Over morning coffee, Norton told Marjorie he heard she was doing poorly and pining away for her old beau (Marsh). Marjorie told him she was frine. Norton was interrupted when asking Marjorie a question by her telling him “yes. So he said he was going to ask her to marry him. So, the two walked outside happily togethe and thankful for the love they shared and chance to renew their heartfelt friendship. Marjorie became a wife, a friend and a part of the earth then at Cross Creek. She said the earth may be borrowed, not bought and may be used but not owned and it gave itself to those in response to love and tenderness. Cross Creek belonged to time.


  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/14/23

TITLE: Summer Of The Colt 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1989 Sterling Entertainment / LES Productions / GEA Producciones

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie began with siblings Laura, Daniel and Felipe going from Buenos Aires to their Grandpa Frederico’s horse ranch to stay for the summer in the Argentina countryside. The morning after their arrival, one of the young boys got out of bed shirtless and wore only his underwear. Once the trio got settled in, Daniel chose a palomino colt named Fierro to break in to saddle, but another boy, Martine, was upset by Daniel’s choice and didn’t want to pick a different horse to tame himself because he already had a loving and trusting connection with the colt. However, Martine gave the colt up because he knew how excited Daniel was to tame Fierro. As Ana, an elder female about Frederico’s age who lived on the ranch too, was combed Laura’s hair, she remarked how much Laura had changed, to which thirteen-year-old eldest Laura replied that she was growing up because she had her period. Frederico gave Daniel a gift of a knife (quite a large one, not a pocketknife) that he bought in an antique store when he was in college. The youngest of the three kids, Felipe, wrote letters back and forth to a female classmate of his, and one time he wrote about how Indians were good with horses because they never mistreated the animals and instead respected, caressed, and fed them. In the corral, a group of men tried to rope and bridle a chosen untamed horse, which led to the horse doing somersault like moves on ground almost injuring its neck. Frederico (Grandfather) treated Laura differently than his other grandchildren, and she thought it was because she wasn’t a boy. She felt like she didn’t fit in, so she cut her hair very short so she would get attention from Frederico like the boys. Laura decided to try the riding obstacle course that the boys used, and she witnessed Daniel angrily tearing up the equipment because he just discovered that Martine went behind his back and was riding Fierro before Daniel even had the chance. Laura chopping her hair off didn’t have the effect she was hoped for because Frederico was obviously not pleased. While the boys played a mounted sport similar to polo, Daniel still mad at Martine played on the opposite team. Felipe went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and Frederico was naked in the tub taking a bath. Felipe and Grandpa started splashing water at each other but stopped when Frederico saw Laura appear at the door. He sent Felipe off to bed (without brushing his teeth, which was the boy’s whole purpose of coming into the bathroom). Daniel decided he was going to try to ride Fierro, but Fierro wasn’t responding to him as well as Martine. Daniel ended up falling to the ground unconscious after he hit his hard on the fence rail when he couldn’t control the powerful horse. Martine witnessed it and brought Daniel back to the house, where Frederico drove Daniel, now awake, to town for medical treatment. Daniel came home with his head bandaged. At the table, Frederico and Daniel got into a heated argument because Frederico said he wouldn’t allow Daniel to accept defeat by refusing to ride Fierro anymore (not knowing the reason was because Martine wanted the horse and had been training him and not because Daniel was afraid or a coward) and told his grandson he needed to either assert himself or submit. Laura tried to chime in and ended up knocking over a glass vase onto the floor to get Frederico’s attention. She screamed at her grandfather that he loved his grandchildren the way he loved his horses, which was on the condition that they obeyed and did what he wanted without caring what the kids wanted. Laura said she had enough, and Frederico decided the same and told Laura that she was going home the following morning. When Laura was absent from the dinner table, the boys tried to cover for her and told Frederico that it was because she said she wasn’t hungry. Frederico got up to go check on Laura and Felipe blurted out to Ana that Laura ran away. Ana tried to go outside and contact someone to help them find Laura, but Frederico wouldn’t allow it because he said it was a family matter. Ana told him that there was no fool like an old fool. Daniel took a horse out into the pouring rain in the dark in search of Laura, and Martine on Fierro went after him and picked him up after Daniel’s horse got away from him. Felipe knew where the boys were headed, and so he and Frederico took the truck to an old ruined building in the woods where the boys and Laura were camped out. Laura asked Frederico why he didn’t love her the way he used to and why every time she tried to go near him, he walked away like she had the plague. Grandfather told his granddaughter the story of how he lost the woman he loved, the kids’ grandmother, when she left him because he refused to see that she needed space and he became jealous and possessive of her. Two years later, she turned up dead and every time Frederico looked at Laura, he was reminded of his long-lost love. That helped Frederico and Laura to make amends, and the next morning, Frederico and the kids walked back home together with Fierro galloping around them because Martine and Daniel also made amends when they both decided they would walk and not ride Fierro. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/13/23

TITLE: Shrek The Third

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 Dreamworks Animation SKG/PDI Production/Paramount Pictures/Universal Pictures/ FilmFlex

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie began with Prince Charming acting in a play where he tried to rescue a princess and fight an ogre. However, it didn’t go as planned and the crowd starting laughing at Charming, so he glared back at them and said someday they would be sorry before he stormed off stage. Meanwhile, an ogre named Shrek filled in for the sick Frog King, Harold, because Shrek’s wife, Fiona, was Harold’s daughter. This went disastrous when Shrek struck a man’s shoulder too hard with a sword when knighting him. Shrek waved a ship off and it went up in flames after he threw the bottle at it. Shrek and Fiona were then dressed in white wigs, makeup, and pompous Elizabethan attire to go out in front of a crowd. Shrek complained that he couldn’t itch his butt in his outfit, and the curtains suddenly opened and the audience saw a man using a staff to scrub Shrek’s behind. Later that night at the castle, Fiona tried to tell Shrek that she was pregnant, but he fell out of bed at the first mention of having a family and she didn’t get the chance to tell him. Shrek and Fiona then went to Harold’s deathbed, where he told them that even though Arthur (Artie) in Worcestershire was another heir, Shrek and Fiona were next in line for the throne and Harold wanted them to be king and queen before he passed away. Charming went to a tavern and recruited outcast villains (the Wicked Witch, Hook, Rumpelstiltskin, etc.) to join him and take over the kingdom so they could finally be on top and have a happily ever after. Shrek decided that he didn’t want to be king, so he and his pals, Donkey the donkey and Puss in Boots the cat, left on a boat for Worcestershire to find Artie. It was only after the boat started sailing away that Fiona finally had the chance to shout to Shrek that he was going to be a dad. He expressed his concerns to his pals that he wouldn’t be a good dad, and they assured him they would be there to help. Artie was a student at a high school in Worcestershire, and Shrek was able to convince him that the old king personally asked for Artie to be the new king. Meanwhile, the princesses (Cinderella, Beauty, Snow White and Rapunzel) gave Fiona baby shower gifts. Snow White’s present was a live-in babysitter who would do the cleaning and feeding of everybody, which would leave time for Fiona and Shrek to work on their marriage because the princesses thought romance would go out the door if Fiona was concerned about carrying for a baby all the time. Doris the Ugly Stepsister (who looked like one of the female princesses but had a male voice) sat down and wanted to know what Shrek said when Fiona first told him the news, but they were interrupted by Charming and his tavern army on witch brooms destroying the city and tormenting the villagers. They headed to the castle, where Fiona, Queen Lillian her mom, and the princesses (and the trans princess Doris) hid in a secret tunnel right before Charming arrived. Pinocchio and other fairytale characters were pretending to have a tea party and refused to tell Charming where Shrek was until one of the three pigs blabbed that he was gone to find the heir to the throne. Charming ordered Hook to get rid of the heir and bring Shrek to him. Artie decided he didn’t know anything about being king and tried to turn the ship around once they were headed to the kingdom, but Shrek fought him and ended up ripping the wheel off the ship so they crashed onto land. It was there they found Merlin the wizard, who Artie already knew because Merlin used to be the school magic teacher until he had a nervous breakdown, to which Merlin replied that he was the victim of a level 3 fatigue and with the help of his therapist he retired to the tranquility of nature to discover his divine purpose. Shrek and Artie got into an argument but later made amends. Fiona and the others exited the tunnel (after Rapunzel declared that Snow White rigged an election to be voted the fairest in all the land) and Rapunzel betrayed them to Charming to become queen, and the females (and male trying to be female) were locked in the dungeon. When Merlin refused to do a spell to help get Shrek, Artie used fake hysterical tears and threw himself all over Merlin begging for his help. Merlin gave in and cast a spell that transported the foursome to the kingdom. They confronted Charming in the castle. Charming was about to kill Artie when Shrek stopped him and revealed that he lied and Artie was not next in line for the throne. Shrek called Artie a loser and a fool for not realizing that sooner, and Artie stormed out of the castle. In the dungeon, Lillian (who Snow White called the old lady while she called herself, Cinderella, and Beauty super-hot princesses) literally used her head to break down the wall and they escaped. With the song Barracuda playing, the princesses and Doris used their “girl,” power to fight off the guards and get into the castle. Donkey and Puss reminded Artie that despite Shrek’s lies, he saved Artie’s life from Charming, which made him have a change of heart. The villagers attended the “It’s A Happily Ever After After All,” play, where Shrek was brought onstage as the ogre who interrupted Charming from saving his princess locked in the tower (Rapunzel). Before Charming’s villains could kill Shrek, Artie appeared and told them that they didn’t need to be villains and the only person standing in the way of them being who they really wanted to be and doing what they wanted to do was themselves. They all agreed with Artie and dropped their weapons, but then Charming raised his sword above Artie. Shrek fought him off and let Artie decide if he wanted to be king, and Artie put the crown on his head, to which the crowd cheered. With Artie as the new king and Charming defeated, Shrek and Fiona returned to their swamp home, where they raised their triplets with the help of Lillian and their animal friends. This movie had a $160 million budget and grossed over $813 million at the box office. The film had “The best Shrek yet!” Pat Collins, WWOR-TV listed on the cover art.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/12/23

TITLE: Abduction

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 Lionsgate/Gotham Group/Vertigo Entertainment/Quick Six Entertainment /Mango Farms

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie started with a group of male teenagers driving in a truck down a rural country road with one boy riding on the outside hood at full speed in front of the windshield as they all jammed to hard rock music. Nathan Harper encouraged another passenger, Gilly, to lean out the open window with the driver Jake screaming “Let’s go, baby, we got *itches waiting,” and speeding up to over 70 miles an hour on a curvy country road. They arrived at the party, hit the curb, and the high school teen, Nathan, did a somersault over the hood onto the hard ground in front of a bunch of teens drinking alcoholic beverages from blue and red Solo cups. In the backyard, there was teen partying in the pool and then Gilly collected $200 by giving some other underage teens fake IDs in exchange for the money and then bragged to his buddies that he made the best fake IDs in th state of Pennsylvania. Then, Nathan’s neighbor and middle school crush, Karen Murphy, walked by with her new boyfriend, Billy, who bumped into Nathan and then the two boys got into a confrontation. Nothing really happened, and then Nathan’s trio of reckless buddies decided to go get drunk. The party continued into the night (with no adults in sight) and dozens of teens swimming under the influence. Gilly made an announcement to his buds that his dad bought him VIP tickets to the Pirates first home game. The next morning, with his shirt off, Nathan woke up on the front lawn with female Trish, who lived at the house, hovering above and telling him he had to leave because her parents would be there in an hour as Tish and the other females scurried around to pick up the remnants of the teen party into black trash bags to get rid of their drunken house party evidence. Nathan stayed to help Trish pick up before her parents arrived, but then his dad (Kevin Harper), looked very unhappy with his son, as he arrived on scene and picked him up and drove him home. Kevin had Nathan put on boxing gloves and fight like a man since he wanted to drink like a man, but it was pretty rough going because Kevin was full-blown hitting his son in the face with martial arts moves. Nathan was hungover, weak, and not in his right mind to escape the punches. Nathan’s mom, Mara Harper, then called to her husband, Kevin, through the window after he made Nathan vomit because he hit him in the stomach so hard telling Nathan that he got so drunk at a party he was unable to defend himself. Nathan got a good kick in because Kevin didn’t stop after Nathan threw up and kept the fight going. Father and son became even more brutal as their no-play progressed and mom was stared out the window at the demons inside them taking over. Mara then broke up their battle before one of them killed the other. Mom then took Nathan away from Kevin and told him that since he didn’t call and he was out all night drinking, he was grounded for a week and she didn’t want to see him wrapped around a tree with his motorcycle, as his delinquent behavior was unacceptable. Nathan did the dishes and watched his parents out on the back porch dancing happily. Nathan heard across the street Karen in a fight with her college boyfriend Billy and watched from the shadows of his house as Billy punched his car and told Karen that she was in high school and he could have any college girl he wanted at college. Before Billy left the hood he spotted Nathan and called him a freak. In the next scene, Nathan had a session with a female Psychiatrist, where Nathan said he felt distant from his parents when they were all sitting at the breakfast table since he was so disconnected from their happiness and felt like a freak, like Billy called him, the night before. Nathan felt like he was a stranger in his own life. Dr. Geri Bennett replied that maybe it had something to do with his insomnia, impulsivity, and rage issues. He told her that he used her technique the night before by containing his anger and not going across the street to punch Billy’s face in. Nathan added that he was still having “the dreams,” and his last one happened two nights before. He explained it was mostly the same as all the others, where he would see a woman singing a lullaby to him. A man in a black mask appeared and violently killed the female, and then the dream was over. The shrink said she wasn’t like most psychiatrists and so she didn’t want to unearth those dark dreams Nathan had which were possibly based in reality, and then she told Nathan his time was up. Nathan then rode his motorcycle to Hampton High School, where he and his buddies were all members of the wrestling team and participated in a competition. In the hallway afterwards, Gilly told Nathan that he went to the gun range several times a week to blow off steam because he was a virgin and had nothing else to do (the same boy who made illegal counterfeit IDs for gain). Nathan stared at Karen and Gilly told him they both googly-eyed each other all the time and told his friend to grow a pair and go talk to the girl that was constantly in his daily thoughts. In class, the teacher told his students to do the minimum amount of work that was required so they could give themselves the illusion they were actually learning something, and to give the teacher a modicum of self-respect like he was actually teaching a class (so the teacher could collect a very big paycheck for doing little). He called it sociology, the study of society, and then gave them their assignment where the students had to choose a subject on the board for the topic of their 10-page research paper, which would constitute 75% of their midterm grade. Mr. Miles said that would take the majority of their time and their lives were ruined, but he was a great teacher so he was going to assign everyone a partner so they could learn to share responsibilities and the work load. Nathan and Karen were paired up, and even Romeo and Juliet were paired together.Later at home, as Nathan played a violent video game with the characters chasing after and shooting each other on snow vehicles, he heard from his room the doorbell ring. Mom opened the door to Karen, so Nathan quickly tidied up his very messy room and even changed his clothes and smelled himself to make sure he didn’t stink. Karen went into the bedroom with Nathan to study and Mom asked the kids if they wanted refreshments. Nathan replied that he wanted the door closed with Karen inside (The house was large enough so why couldn’t the children study outside a bedroom in an open area?) As they did research for their assigned high school project on their Apple laptop computers, the underage teens found a website for missing kids, and the website included the height, weight, age, favorite foods, medical reports, last place they were seen, and people they were affiliated with on the children’s profiles. While schooling, they discussed how Billy was not Karen’s boyfriend, and then she sat on the bed next to Nathan with their laptops. Karen showed Nathan a website with mock-ups of what missing kids might look like today, so they messed around with that program and joked and laughed about the missing kids looking like celebrities as an adult, such as Jason Statham meets Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest meets Lady Gaga. In the next one, Karen said Matt Damon meets Nathan because it looked like him. Nathan asked his school partner for a link to that site, so Karen sent it to him. Karen then got a text from her uncle who was on his way over to check on her since her parents were out of town (out of the country) so she left Nathan’s house in a hurry and made plans to hook up with Nathan again to continue their school project studies. He replied he would be over at her house in an hour after her uncle left her parent’s house. Nathan agreed that was fine and they would finish their high school project studying alone at Karen’s house. After Karen left, Nathan looked at the picture of the missing boy on the website (school assignment) and it age-progressed to a photo that looked like a mirror image at his current age. Nathan remembered he had seen a shirt identical to the one the missing three-year-old boy was wearing in the picture, and he searched the house and located the shirt in a storage room. Nathan returned to his bedroom and closed the door to read more about the missing boy’s profile and that Martin and Lorna Price were the names attached to the little boy. Nathan came downstairs and told his parents a half-truth that his project was on websites (when it was actually on missing children), so even though he was grounded they let him go to Karen’s house for a while to study and told him to behave himself (probably not knowing Karen’s parents were gone off to Italy and left their teen home alone). At the Murphy house, Nathan printed out a copy of the website page of the missing boy who he thought was him, and Karen said that everybody looked the same at three-and-a-half years old and doubted it was him. He tossed her the shirt that matched the one in the picture with a stain on the left shoulder, and Karen was a little more interested in the possibility that the missing boy could be Nathan. The two teens then decided to go online and contact a 24-hour live chat person for Steven Price, who was the missing boy. Nathan used in his real name, Nathan Harper, in the chat session and by doing so, in Brighton Beach, New York, a scary-looking tattooed dude rushed to the computer when an alarm alerted him to a “hit” on Price so he used a fake female name, Marisa, to communicate with the two teens in Pennsylvania concerning Steven. The pop-up chat had a female picture so Nathan and Karen believed the fake female chatter was actually a federal official concerning a missing child when instead they were actually corresponding with a male criminal hacker (no doubt searching for the missing kid for some harmful predator reason). Nathan asked for more information about Steven, and Marisa evaded the question by asking what Nathan’s address was. However, the male suspect in NY already had the tools he needed at his private home office, and used his professional high-tech multi computer hacking devices to trace through Nathan’s computer and find out his exact position in the world, even though Nathan didn’t reply. Karen was freaking out now because the lady was asking for Nathan’s address. Also, the webcam was hacked into and turned on by the criminal so he could see the two teenagers in the room and the perp was able to take photos of the two kids in the room without them knowing it. Karen told Nathan that he needed to discuss this with his parents before he gave away any more information to the unknown cyper space bots. The criminal put his phone headset on and called Mr. Kozlow in his executive car in London, England, because Kozlow requested a call immediately if the website ever got a link to Steven Price’s name, and the criminal then texted Nathan’s webcam picture from an electronic device instantly to Kozlow’s cell phone in London and no doubt revealed his home address as well to the questionable mobster across the pond. As Karen ranted about them getting into trouble because what they just did would cause all kinds of problems, Nathan looked up and saw the green light on his webcam and immediately shut his Apple laptop down because he knew he didn’t turn it on. Nathan thought it was all a mistake, but Karen said maybe he was just adopted, to which he replied if he was adopted, then why did he end up on a missing persons website. Teen Karen replied a better question would be who then were those people living in Nathan’s house (WOW…all this from a questionable high school assignment that endangers the minds of God’s children and HIS destroys HIS families in the process). At the dinner table later on, Kevin told Nathan the ocean was a big dangerous place while Nathan was still trying to wrap his head around what just happened at Karen’s house. Later on, Nathan took a copy of his birth certificate and he lied to his dad that he lost his drivers’ license and needed that document to get it replaced and assured both parents in the room he wasn’t getting a fake ID. At school, in the cafeteria, Nathan and Gilly went through Nathan’s childhood photos and noticed that one of them had someone cropped out and then Gilly told Nathan that it was strange he only had two photos of when he was young when Gilly had millions of embarrassing family photos. Nathan, helmetless, came home on his motorcycle and barely said hi to his dad Kevin. Nathan went to his room, put his toddler shirt and younger photos on his bed. Mom came in to check on him, and he asked her if she was his mother. She told him he was her son and that it was complicated, but he still demanded to know, and she replied she wasn’t the one who gave birth to him. His mom gave Nathan a hug then and told him she loved him and he was her son and nothing was going to change that because they were a family and she left the room saying she had to get Kevin so they could all discuss it as a family. While Mom was gone, Karen called because she heard him pull up on his motorcycle and he quickly told her it was true that he was adopted, so she said she would be right over and he told her to come in the back door. Mrs. Harper didn’t have a chance to find Kevin before two men in suits (one, Marisa, the female from New York online and the other man acting shady looking around for witnesses in the neighborhood to make sure they weren’t being watched) showed up at the front door saying they were investigators with Bridgewater Juvenile Justice Department and then showed her a pretty convincing fake government badge and asked to come in to talk to Nathan. Mom tried to close the door on both of them because she knew something wasn’t right, but then both men used their hands and strength to gain access to the house. They gagged Mara and held onto her when she tried to scream for Kevin (outside in his workshop), but mom used martial arts to get temporarily get away from them. Meanwhile, Karen walked across the street from her house as Mara threw one of the men through the glass window right as Karen walked into the back entrance. Mara had stabbed the glass man with pliers and was now combating the other one when Nathan and Kevin heard the noises, but they didn’t come quick enough before mom was shot and killed by one of the criminals with teens Nathan and Karen watching. Nathan ran back to his bedroom and jumped out his bedroom window while Karen was still in a state of shock outside and in tears unable to move after what she just witnessed. By now, Kevin and his gun made it to the house from his outdoor workshop and fought the man who wasn’t Marisa while searched for Nathan. Kevin saw his dead wife Mara on the floor and he was able to break one man’s neck Marisa. Kevin told Nathan who was standing outside to run and not stop because Nathan was coming to help his dad, but then the London/New York Marisa hired gun man shot and killed Kevin. Nathan started running down the street but then remembered Karen was supposed to meet him so he ran back to the house, but imposter Marisa had already discovered Karen and made her go inside the house and was about to shoot her in the head and told her she wouldn’t even feel it and it was such a waste that she was involved in all of this, but Nathan arrived and threw something at Marisa to distract him from shooting Karen and then jumped at Marisa and started beating him to a pulp like his dad taught him to for this particular moment he trained him his entire life for. Karen grabbed a fire stoke in the event Nathan needed help as Marisa on the floor reached for his gun. Nathan beat Marisa with the weapon and demanded to know who he was. Marisa told Nathan to stop beating him and he would tell him what he needed to know and instead said there was a bomb in the oven but he wasn’t dying there, so Nathan and Karen ran to check the oven and they had six seconds to get out of the house. The impact of the explosion threw them into the pool with fire all around them and debris almost hitting them. Karen was hit in the shoulder by an object and was bleeding badly in the water. Instead of waiting for the police, Nathan drove his motorcycle, with Karen on the back, away from the sirens to the hospital instead of staying and away from the destroyed house with his dead parents inside. Criminal and evil-minded Kozlow arrived from London and went through the international U.S. airport security clearance where a sign showed that non-U.S. citizens needed to stay behind the line and show documents to get into the country. However, his fake ID and paperwork had the name Dr. Pedway listed, which cleared him almost immediately after his fake fingerprint scan checked out and matched his passport. Pedway was picked up by some pretty rough-looking dudes with suitcases, and in the car Dr. Pedway (aka, Mr. Kozlow) peeled off a fake fingerprint glove and changed his clothes into a black shirt showing foreign letters tattooed on his chest. Nathan and Karen arrived at the hospital, where Nathan called from a payphone inside and told the female 911 operator that his parents were just murdered and he believed the killers were looking for him and provided the operator with the name of the hospital and his home address, 2009 Clearwater Drive. She put him on hold, and he didn’t understand why a 911 operator would do that. It then showed many males and females on Dell computers in an executive government branch CIA headquarters. Nathan put down the phone and turned around to see the news coverage lied and reported that there were no injuries inside his burning house and it was from a gas leak explosion and the police told the reporters the residents were out of town at the time of the incident. The person at the CIA headquarters spoke through the phone, and Nathan wanted to know how the now non-female 911 operator, now a man on the other end, knew his name. Frank Burton explained that he worked for the CIA and asked again if Nathan was okay, but Nathan wanted to know why he was talking to the CIA. Frank asked Nathan if he spoke to anybody other than Karen Murphy since his parents were murdered in front of his eyes (the feds knew Nathan was with Karen). Frank told Nathan not to talk to or contact anyone and to stay where he was and two men would be coming to find him shortly and that one was wearing a red flannel shirt and to trust Frank because the CIA were there to help him. Nathan replied that trust needed to be earned (as his mama Mara taught her son) and walked away and didn’t seem like he was going to wait for anybody’s help. As it turned out, the bad guys had intercepted the call between the 911/CIA people and the hospital and had listened to the Nathan’s whole conversation. The felon terrorists immediately called Kozlow and told him Nathan’s location at the Vassar Brothers Hospital, which was ten minutes away from Kozlow’s current location. CIA Frank ordered the video feeds from every camera in the hospital, and then Dr. Geri Bennett showed up with a dozen or so balloons walking beside Nathan, and handed him a hoodie, and instructed him to put it on and cover his face from the cameras because she had no time to explain. The questionable female doctor of the mind (where was GOD in her doctoring?) then used the balloons to conceal her own identity. As they walked, Geri told the minor Nathan that she was a friend of Nathan’s long-term absent father (she knew that fact for years and coached a child into believing that he had serious mental issues. Ex fed Geri with obviously some high security clearance “friend” connections with benefits, took the law into her own hands). However, Nathan stopped her and told her he wasn’t leaving without Karen, but then the fake shrink heard in her earpiece that the CIA had arrived on scene. Nathan and Dr. Bennett retrieved Karen and ran out of the hospital together with the balloons as they tried to avoid the men in black searching for them in the halls. They exited into the parking garage, while Geri released the balloons, said she hated balloons, and the balloons rose higher to cover the cameras in hopes that the CIA couldn’t see her taking the kids away in her SUV. It was reported back to Frank that the female doctor imposter was fleeing the area in her silver BMW and the agents were in pursuit on foot. Facial recognition software then got a hit on the shrink’s face and Frank recognized her and told ex CIA agent Geri that she could kiss her pension goodbye. In the car, Karen told Nathan to call the police, and he replied he dialed 911 in the hospital but it went to a CIA agent named Frank Burton, to which Geri replied that she used to work for CIA Burton and he couldn’t be trusted and that there were only four people that knew Nathan’s real identity, and they were Mara, Kevin, Geri, and Frank and two of them were already dead and until Geri could get in touch with Martin, they had to consider CIA Frank unreliable. Geri handed Nathan keys in the car telling him they were for 4-3-1-1 Clarendon Boulevard, Apartment 2 in Arlington, Virginia and to memorize the address so he could find his way there and sit tight until someone contacted him, which was the arrangement Geri made with Martin Price in case something like this ever happened. Nathan asked how his birth parents were, but Geri said Karen heard too much already and Geri didn’t want to reveal anything else in front of her because she would be the next target and told them to ditch their clothes when they got the first opportunity. She told the kids that in thirty seconds they were going to reach a bridge and both had to jump out and go down a 30-foot embankment to the water because the river was the only chance they would have make their escape from their pursuers and she added not to trust anyone except Martin Price and Paul Rasmus. Nathan and Karen jumped out of the car after Geri said she would create a diversion and screamed for them to get out of the area. CIA Frank yelled on his phone to his agents that it was unacceptable that they could only get one lousy state trooper to back them up. The diversion seemed to be that Geri used her car and caused an explosion with a state trooper nearby unaware of the whole CIA dangerous situation. The teens got into the river because they were able to walk down the embankment after Geri stopped quickly and they hid behind debris out of sight in the water from the helicopters and ground searchers. They got out of the river and Nathan tried to calm Karen down as Frank tried to get confirmation that Nathan Price was in Geri’s vehicle. Nathan left Karen and made his way to the Cast n Reel Campground and stole blankets off a clothesline outside a camper so he and Karen could dry off. The two teens shared blankets and lay together to rest under a tree in the woods. In the morning, Nathan told Karen he was taking her home, and she freaked out because she would be home alone since her parents were in Italy and there was nobody there to protect her. Karen convinced Nathan they had to stay together because they had nobody else to trust except each other and they started walking. Meanwhile, at the CIA in Langley, Virginia, Frank showed everyone the latest Intel they had on Martin Price’s current mission. Ten days before, CIA Martin Price received a high value piece of Intel that contained a list of 25 encrypted names of US politicians and intelligence officers, all of whom had sold state secrets at one time or another. This list was stolen from Nikola Kozlow, an ex-Serbian Secret Service agent (in London) who was now a freelance Intel broker and operative and Kozlow wanted the list back badly. Frank went on to explain there was an attack on the residence where Martin’s son Nathan lived and their two undercover agents and parents, Kevin and Mara, were killed. The attackers were hired guns and their connections traced them all the way back to Kozlow, and Martin was the CIA’s most valuable black ops agent and their top priority was keeping Nathan safe. One agent asked how Kozlow found Nathan, and then CIA Frank replied (not honestly but believingly) Kozlow discovered Nathan’s existence a couple of years before through a cyber attack and Kozlow had been phishing ever since with fake missing persons websites in hopes Nathan would see his picture and contact the fake site and one of Kozlow’s traps finally worked and he hacked into Nathan’s computer to find his real location. Frank said teen Nathan the bargaining was chip and went on to say if Kozlow got to the boy first then he would get the list from Martin and Frank explained they lost Nathan the night before because a rogue ex-CIA agent, Geri Bennett, helped him escape and when they found her vehicle it was empty with no sign of her or the kids. Frank’s boss told him to get things under control before they got messier. In South Brownsville, Nathan and Karen hitchhiked alongside the road and a Penske eighteen-wheeler big rig truck picked them up and the driver told the teens he would take them to a destination in Virginia. A female CIA agent, Burns, told Frank that the last contact they had with Martin was the Peshawar drop two days before and he had vanished since then and the fastest he could make it to the area was 36 hours and that was how long they had to find Nathan. Frank said to track the girl, Nathan’s friends, and anyone he had ever spoken to, and told the female agent to put out an alert to all overseas stations and get a fix on Kozlow and said if they couldn’t locate Kozlow abroad then he had probably made it to the US already and that would be another headache for the CIA. The teens made it to the apartment on Clarendon Avenue, where they cleaned up and then looked around to see what was there. Nathan found a gun and large wads of rolled money, as well as a phone and photographs with an address for Lorna Price, Martin’s wife. He saw a picture of Lorna and thought it could be his birth mom and then realized they were in Martin’s apartment. Karen used the cell phone to call her uncle and tell him she was still alive, but Frank intercepted the call and identified Karen. Nathan took the phone away and CIA Frank told the teen boy he couldn’t hide from the CIA and they would find him. Nathan and Karen changed clothes and teens sped away in Martin’s BMW without closing the garage door so the apartment could be vandalized. Nathan decided to drive to the Johnsberg address he got from the apartment to see if Lorna still lived there. The address turned out to be Lorna Elizabeth Price’s cemetery plot because she had been dead since 1995. Nathan didn’t have any feeling for the mom who died when he was young, but the mom who raised him the majority of his life, he only now realized how much his mom Mara sacrificed for him but was now dead too. Karen then found flowers that were fresh on the gravestone, so they went to the cemetery caretaker to find out where the flowers came from.The teens approached the cemetery security guard at his desk, and Karen flirted with the guard to get what she wanted by telling him that her brother (Nathan) and her hoped to figure out who put the flowers on their loved one’s grave. The guard bought into the underage girl’s charms and replied that the flowers came from Omaha, Nebraska, from Mr. P. (Paul) Rasmus, and then the teens were given Paul’s address. CIA Frank was informed that SIGNIT got a hit on Lorna Price which came from a computer at Calvary Cemetery because the security guard keyed in Lorna’s name and that triggered the CIA’s system and alerted them, so the CIA strike team was mobilized out of Pittsburgh while the bad ones on Kozlow’s payroll hacking the CIA also received that information. Kozlow told one of his agents on the phone the exact location of Nathan and Karen in their car using the transportation system to hack into the local traffic cameras. Nathan and Karen drove to an area where Gilly met up with them because Nathan called him. Gilly explained that some guys came to his house asking questions and he had to sneak out back to meet Nathan and Karen there. Gilly confirmed that he had what Nathan asked for, which were three different fake IDs in three different states. However, Kozlow’s goon didn’t find Nathan and Karen in the parking lot because they didn’t return to the car, but he followed them to the Amtrak train station and watched them board the train to Omaha. In their private train car, the two teens discussed their eighth-grade summer when they were together in the boat house, and that led to them now being close and personal and kissing. However, Karen wanted food so they separated and Karen left to get the food by herself. The goon was spotted on the same train calling in to Kozlow and told him they were about to stop at the Cincinnati station, to which Kozlow replied in the car he and his men would be there waiting. As Karen walked down the hallway back to the train car with the tray of food, the hired gun stalked her from behind and then grabbed her and pulled her into an empty cabin and smacked her hard across the face where she landed on the floor and then kicked her. He then pointed a gun at Karen’s face demanding to know what room Nathan was in. He tied her up and put duct tape over her mouth and left, as she must have given him the room number but Nathan wasn’t there because he went to the train cafeteria to check on Karen. He walked back and noticed his room door open and hid while the thug walked out and then tried to slip back inside his room and close the door but it didn’t quite shut and the criminal got in and punched Nathan in the face and closed the door and the curtains behind them. They fought each other and the bad man kept trying to choke Nathan, but Nathan listened to his dad’s (Kevin) voice in his head and used his strategy to get out of the situation, and it worked and he knocked the devil unconscious. As Karen came into the room after freeing herself, she saw Nathan smash the glass window by kicking it and threw the unconscious stalker out of the moving train. The train then stopped suddenly before reaching the station, and Nathan and Karen ran off the train into the woods while Frank was in a helicopter above searching for them and then the helicopter landed by the train tracks where the bad dead man’s body had been found and CIA covered up the train incident. As the teens walked alongside the road with their heads down, two vehicles drove by them and screeched to a halt, and they ran as the CIA, including Frank and the female Burns, jumped out of the cars. Frank was able to talk Nathan and Karen to turning themselves in because the CIA weren’t threatening him and had no guns but just wanted him in their custody, and the kids gave in because they had been on the run for 22 hours straight. Frank took them to get a burger and milkshake, and the teens were more than happy to accept as agents stood outside the eatery guarding the building and held guns with more posted around on rooftops in the area. Frank sent Karen to Agent Burns at the counter to help Karen with her bruises from the bad guy on the train while Frank talked alone with Nathan. Frank brought Nathan up to speed on how he was in the foster care system because Martin was unstable after Lorna’s death and couldn’t raise a child but could remain a CIA operative and do the dirty deeds the CIA needed him to get done. He said that Martin and Kozlow were basically the same, except Kozlow was the bad guy. During this, the CIA agents on the rooftops dropped like flies because Kozlow’s men took them out with their silent guns. Frank explained that Nathan was getting a backstage view of the CIA that normally people didn’t get to see and they were in the middle of a polite war based on information (data), which was what Kozlow was after. That’s when he quickly told Nathan that Martin stole Kozlow’s information and the madman wanted it back and if he could get ahold of Nathan, th Martin would then trade the information for Nathan. The ground crew CIA realized that none of the rooftop CIA were reporting on their radio devices and realized there was a problem so they had to take immediate action. Nathan was told about the encrypted list of 25 names of people, but to the naked eye it was just a list of seemingly meaningless numbers and letters. Teen Nathan questioned if Frank’s name was on the list, but he wouldn’t answer and just laughed. The CIA ground crews were shot down outside the restaurant, and the bad guys shot through the window and shattered the glass, and Frank told everyone to get behind the counter while he shot out the window at the bad guys. Agent Frank and Agent Burns played dead when the two gunmen came in so they looked past them but then the CIA agents shot the bad guys dead. Right before that, Nathan and Karen snuck out the back and left in a stolen truck, where he told her about the list was on the phone he took from Martin’s apartment and had with him because Martin must have texted the encrypted to himself for safekeeping, which now Nathan had in his possession. Karen couldn’t understand why Nathan didn’t give the phone to the CIA, and he replied it was because Geri was right about Frank not being trustworthy. Another cell phone rang unexpectedly, and Karen asked whose it was and Nathan explained it belonged to the guy on the train who he threw out the window, so when he answered it the creepy man, Kozlow, on the other end and told Nathan that the funny thing about cell phones was they could be turned into listening devices as well so he had heard everything that happened since the train incident because Nathan had taken the cell phone with him.Kozlow said Nathan had something that belonged to him and it was time to give it back, and London Kozlow started ranting that if he didn’t get the data from Nathan that he demanded, he was going to start killing all of Nathan’s friends, neighbors, and boring teachers and when Kozlow was finished, Nathan would be responsible for the death of every friend he had on Facebook. He went on to explain that he knew that Nathan never wanted Karen to get hurt and said that her parents were due to arrive on their flight the following afternoon threatening that Karen’s parents would die if he didn’t get his list. Teen rogue Nathan told Kozlow that he would pick the time and public place they would meet so Nathan could give Kozlow the data he wanted. An alarm went off then at the house Kozlow’s goons had taken over because the CIA had backtracked the signal and then arrived on scene and the CIA shot everybody dead inside. One of those CIA agents on site called Frank and told him that there was a digital record on the hackers’ system of the conversation between Kozlow and Nathan and how Nathan had the list and was about to meet with Kozlow and hand it over to him. Gilly took his 80-year-old neighbor’s car and met up with Nathan and Karen under a bridge, where Gilly gave Nathan patio section, VIP access only under 23D seating tickets to the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game where the meeting would take place. Nathan wore a #21 Clemente Pirates Jersey and went into the baseball stadium alone. As he was walking, CIA agent Martin called Nathan on Martin’s apartment cell phone and told Nathan that he was on his way and as soon as Kozlow got the list he would kill Nathan. Nathan didn’t want to listen to Martin because the man was never in his life for the last fifteen years and didn’t know the man so he hung up on him. Nathan called Kozlow and told him that he left him a ticket on the foot of the statue out front of the stadium, and as he retrieved it, teen Karen took photos and texted them to Nathan, and then she returned to the car to wait with Gilly. Nathan and Kozlow took a seat next to each other and as Nathan was cocking and uncocking a gun and Kozlow ate popcorn, Kozlow told Nathan how agent Martin Price was a Class Five and had the authority to break the Geneva Convention, which meant he could kill women and children and do whatever was necessary to accomplish his mission. He added that Lorna wouldn’t give up Martin’s location even to save her own life, and that’s when Nathan found out that Kozlow killed Lorna and then Kozlow asked Nathan if he remembered because he was there in Paris, 1995, and Kozlow said he made one tiny mistake because he forgot to check under the bed to see if anybody was there because he did his routine camera checks but he didn’t do a room sweep to see if there were other people hiding, so he didn’t know Nathan was under the bed watching Kozlow torturing and then killing Lorna (The memory Nathan had told the professional Dr. Geri but she didn’t want to discuss which caused the kid mental issues for years). The crowd, who was actually paying attention to the game, stood up and cheered. Nathan stood up with the crowd and then sat back down only to learn that Kozlow had taken the gun out of Nathan’s seat and inconspiculously pulled it on Nathan. Nathan made a getaway with Kozlow knocking everybody out of his way trying to catch Nathan and the CIA then discovered Nathan’s location and ran to intercept Nathan. While Nathan was hiding, Martin called Nathan on the cell phone and told Nathan to lead Kozlow to the south parking lot or Nathan would be dead. Nathan ridiculously slid down the glass pillars and fell to the ground below because Kozlow blocked his exit and he hurt his leg when he jumped down the remaining distance. Nathan hurriedly limped away to the south parking lot, where Martin shot Kozlow dead with a long-distance gun somewhere far away from a rooftop. Nathan got a call on the phone again, and he was about to answer it but agent Frank walked up and said he would take that from Nathan.Frank’s CIA boss then appeared and told him he would take the cell phone with the list of names from Frank, but Frank didn’t want to give it up and said it was encrypted. The boss said that was the first thing agent Martin said Frank would say because if he took it to be decrypted himself, he would erase his own name from the list. The big boss told the CIA agents to let Nathan go and told Frank that he needed to come with them because he was in a lot of trouble. Frank then got a call on the cell phone, so he answered it and Martin told him to give his phone back to Nathan and added that he (Martin) would see Frank soon. Nathan and Martin spoke and basically Martin said he was Nathan’s father but could never be his dad and that was because of choices he made in his life and couldn’t reverse and that Nathan was on his own in the future.Karen walked over and gave Nathan a hug, and then Geri appeared and Nathan said nobody could ever replace his parents, Kevin and Mara, and Geri told him that he could come live with her until he finished high school, and then he could go on to college and whatever else he wanted to pursue. Nathan agreed to live with Geri. Teens Nathan and Karen wanted some alone time and told Geri they weren’t ready to leave yet. Geri told Nathan that Karen was somebody Nathan needed to hold onto, and he said Karen was worth it. The movie ended with underage teens Nathan and Karen kissing in the empty bleachers because they missed the game.On a 35 million budget, this film grossed over 82 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/10/23

TITLE: Popeye

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1980 Paramount Pictures / Walt Disney Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in the harbor town of Sweethaven and began with the villagers singing their national anthem “God must love us. We the people love Sweethaven…God will always bless Sweethaven.” The taxman greeted Popeye, the one-eyed sailor who just arrived in town, by charging him a bunch of strange taxes about asking questions and leaving junk on the wharf. This stranger didn’t receive a very friendly greeting from the townsfolk, who closed their stores and put up signs that said there were no rooms for rent and then took the signs down after Popeye walked by. He went to buy some carrots, and Geezil, the man selling them, tried to convince him to buy something else and then attempted to overcharge for the carrots. Popeye tossed Geezil a nickel and said he would pay what he felt like paying and that was all he would give Geezil and not the two dollars he was asking for. Popeye rented a room at the Oyls house, where Olive threatened to have her dad, Cole, call the police on Popeye for listening in on Olive and her mom Nana’s private conversation. Olive had just been ranting about how she couldn’t get engaged to Captain Bluto wearing an ugly hat. After Olive and Popeye destroyed his room with their shenanigans, he got locked in because the doorknob broke off. Popeye came down to dinner and met Olive’s brother, Castor, and Wimpy (he already met the others at the table). The next day, inside the town restaurant, the taxman went around taking money and hamburgers from people and calling them tax payments. Popeye told a man sitting at his table that he came to Sweethaven in search of his dad, who abandoned him when he was two years old. When Popeye was stuck out on the ocean on a raft for 45 days without food and water, a “visitation,” who looked like his mom appeared to him and told him that his dad was still alive. Once Popeye was rescued, he decided he had to forgive his dad for ditching him and try to find him. A group of men started laughing obnoxiously and making nasty comments about Popeye’s appearance and speech and they figured Popeye’s “dada,” was as ugly as him. That night, at Olive’s engagement party, everybody was mingling but then went completely silent (only the ticking of the clock could be heard) and stared when Popeye entered the room. Upstairs, Olive was getting dressed for the party with the help of several females who were making rude remarks about Bluto. Olive broke out in song about how Bluto might not be the best, but he was large and he was hers. Bluto was downstairs waiting for Olive, and while the other ladies were distracted doing backup vocals for the song, Olive snuck out of the house down a ladder. She met Popeye standing outside on the dock, and he offered to carry her bags for her to her unknown destination. However, Olive couldn’t decide which direction she wanted to go, and so the taxman said that he was charging fifty cents for the impersonating-a-traffic-cop tax. When he realized it was Olive he was trying to tax, he apologized. Popeye demanded to know why Olive didn’t have to pay taxes, and the taxman was going to charge Popeye ten cents for asking a question but then decided he would let Popeye off this time since he was in the company of Olive. Olive told Popeye it was a lie what people thought that that she and her family got special favors and didn’t have to pay taxes because Olive was engaged to Bluto and he ran the town for the Commodore. Meanwhile, Bluto was growling angrily because Olive was gone and he was on the verge of exploding, and some party attendees got up to leave as Bluto used his teeth to crunch his glass teacup into pieces. While Popeye told Olive about his dad, someone snuck up behind them and replaced Olive’s basket with another basket painted to look just like hers. Olive was unhappy to see Popeye carrying the wrong basket, and then she heard a rattling from the basket and started shrieking about a rattlesnake and trying to climb a ladder. Popeye opened the basket to discover a baby inside playing with a rattle, and he read a note addressed to him “I must trust someone with my baby until I free myself of certain financial obligations, which will take 25 years or so at which time I shall reclaim him. In the meantime, love him as only a mudder could. Signed, a mudder.” (mother, but Popeye pronounced it mudder). Olive still wasn’t at the party, so Bluto screamed for her so loud that the glass windows broke and the house started crumbling. He destroyed the furniture and punched out the windows as he sang a song “I’m so mean I had a dream of beatin’ myself up. I broke my nose, I broke my hand, I wrestled myself to the ground, and then I choked myself to death, and I broke the choke and woke up.” Olive, Popeye, and the baby returned to the house, where Bluto started punching Popeye. The next day, the taxman told the Oyl family they would be charged “the sum of twelve thousand, twelve hundred, twelve dollars and twelve cents,” (Bluto’s doing). Popeye decided to name the baby boy Swee’pea, and when Olive objected Popeye asked her if she would rather have the name Baby Oyl. A sign was posted offering ten days’ tax exemption and $15 to any challenger who lasted a single boxing round with Oxblood Oxheart, the dirtiest fighter alive. Popeye took Olive’s family to the fight, where the taxman wanted to charge them the going-to-an-illegal-sporting-event tax, but he went silent when Popeye asked why the fight was happening if it was illegal. Castor decided he was going to fight to the death against Oxblood to help his parents, but when he failed Popeye went into the ring and was able to knock Oxblood unconscious. When Wimpy discovered that baby Swee’pea had psychic abilities (demonstrated when Olive asked him questions about the fight and he whistled yes when he was asked if Popeye would survive and win the fight, which he did), he asked to take the baby for a stroll. However, Wimpy was gone a long time before everyone realized that he took baby Swee’pea to the horse races because it was Derby day. They hurried to the “races,” which turned out not to involve live horses, but instead townspeople betting on tiny horse figurines being moved by someone cranking a wheel (think the carnival game). After Swee’pea correctly chose the winning horse for one of the races, Wimpy bet everything on Swee’pea’s next choice, #6 Holy Moly. When Popeye and the Oyls arrived at the races, Popeye commented on all the prostitute women at the racetrack and told those with them not to touch anything or they might get a venerable (venereal) disease. He added that he had better grab up his lions for this one, and he retrieved baby Swee’pea and was trying to leave when Olive learned that Wimpy won $120 from two races. Popeye said that no child of his was going to be exploited for ill-gotten gains, to which Olive replied that her family was more important than morality and snatched baby Swee’pea away to go bet everything Wimpy won on Swee’pea’s third choice, Sucking Lemons. Popeye asked himself if he was a doctor or a lawyer, and said he knew which law suited him before he sang, “What am I? I yam what I yam…” Back at the Oyl house, Nana told Popeye that he couldn’t take the baby away from poor Olive, but Popeye made up his mind and moved out of the house with baby Swee’pea and set up hammocks for the two of them in a building. The taxman came up with expensive moving-in, moving-out, and unlicensed baby taxes to charge Popeye, but he pushed the taxman backwards and he slid down the long ramp to the water below. The townspeople cheered and thanked Popeye for doing that to the unfair taxman, and during that Wimpy kidnapped bawling baby Swee’pea and handed him over to Bluto. Later that night, Popeye was talking to himself about how even an orphan needed a mudder and fadder (mom and dad) and how if he was going to be Swee’pea’s mom, he should have let Olive be Swee’pea’s dad. Popeye decided that he wasn’t man enough to be a mom. The next day, Olive spotted Wimpy spying on Bluto, who was going through a “Keep Out,” door with baby Swee’pea on the Commodore’s boat in the harbor. Wimpy confessed everything he knew, and he and Olive snuck onto the ship. Bluto tried to tell the Commodore (actually Poopdeck Pappy, Popeye’s dad) that Swee’pea was worth a fortune and they could break the bank at the betting parlor because the kid could predict the future, to which Pappy replied he didn’t want to do that because he owned the betting parlor and Bluto. He went on to say that he basically hated everything and he would live and die by hating because hate had done him more good than anything in the world. He started singing, and Bluto wasn’t getting anywhere so he decided to tie Pappy to a chair and attach the rope to a pulley so he was hanging in the air. Wimpy and Olive watched, and they left to tell Popeye. Olive announced that Popeye’s dad was a rat, crook, and kidnapper, but Popeye didn’t agree and decided to go to the boat and prove that his dad was none of those things. Pappy had been talking about buried treasure for years, but he refused to tell Bluto anything about it so Bluto snuck off the ship with baby Swee’pea to go find it himself while Popeye went below deck and tried to convince Pappy that he was his son. Pappy argued that he wasn’t anybody’s dad and no court could prove otherwise, and then he told Popeye to eat a can of spinach. When he refused to, Pappy called Popeye a disobedient brat and said that spinach was what kept their family strong for thousands of years. Pappy said that his wife died, he was out of work and stole spinach, the whole country was in a depression, and Popeye, his only offspring, still wouldn’t eat his spinach. Pappy told Popeye to get him down, so Popeye cut the rope and Pappy went crashing to the floor. Pappy told Popeye never to pick up another knife again otherwise he would make Popeye eat it and he would become known as the sword-swallowing sailor. Olive’s family stormed onto Pappy’s boat and told Popeye that Bluto was making a getaway on his own boat with his two hostages, baby Swee’pea and Olive. As the group on Pappy’s boat chased after Bluto, Pappy was mad when Popeye all of a sudden changed his mind and said he wasn’t Pappy’s son, just as Pappy had said he wasn’t Popeye’s dad. Pappy ranted about how he was through with children and didn’t like them because you give them everything they want and get nothing in return and how they lead you to ruin because they cry at you when they’re young, yell at you when they’re older, borrow from you when they’re middle-aged, and then leave you alone to die. When Bluto’s boat was in sight, Pappy positioned the cannon and fired at the boat and then everybody swam after Bluto, who took Swee’pea and Olive out in a rowboat around Scab Island and asked baby Swee’pea questions about the treasure. Swee’pea said yes when Bluto asked if the treasure was underwater, so Bluto dove into the water and retrieved a treasure chest. Pappy then worked on opening the treasure chest while Popeye and Bluto had a swordfight. A giant octopus then tried to drag baby Swee’pea underwater, but Pappy rescued him. The octopus went after Olive as Pappy tossed Popeye a can of spinach, which he said would make him big and strong. Bluto, who had a tight hold on Popeye, shoved the spinach into Popeye’s mouth not knowing that it would actually work and so Popeye was strong enough to defeat the octopus and scare Bluto away. Everyone celebrated by singing “Popeye, the sailor man,” song. [Mom and Dad don’t neglect the children GOD bestowed, and GOD’s children don’t abandon the parents HE chose who raised you with HIS loving JESUS prose.)

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/9/23

TITLE: The Way Home 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Lionsgate/Red Five Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie is a true story and takes place in rural Carroll County, Georgia and began with Randy Simpkins on his knees in the woods praying to God for a sign that his son, Joe, was not dead and was still alive. Earlier that day, Randy was distracted on the phone finishing the correction to the Wadowi plans and told the female on the other end that Carl couldn’t handle the rest of it because he was working at the Cedartown job. Randy’s wife, Christal, called on the other line and told him they were supposed to pick up their kids, Zack and Tucker, from school at eleven and Randy was going to be late for their trip to the beach if he didn’t leave the office now. Randy came home and found his youngest son, two-year-old Joe, riding his tricycle in the driveway with his water gun in hand looking forward to seeing a shark at the beach. Joe pretended to shoot his dad with his water gun because Randy was pretended he was a shark. Christal argued with Joe because the little boy wanted to go to Pawpaw’s when they were about to leave and told him no, and then she went in the house saying she needed to close up the house while they were gone on vacation and left Randy outside with Joe to put the little one in the car seat. Randy told Joe he was going to be cooped up in the car for a long time and he was all right to play alone in the driveway on his tricycle. Randy went inside the house to get more baggage to put in the car and then went back inside with Joe behind the car alone with his tricycle. As Randy was messing around on his computer, Christal came around the corner and asked him what he was doing, and he lied and said he was shutting his computer down when she knew he was checking his work email. She gave him the cooler to take to the car, and when he went inside the tricycle was tipped over and Joe was nowhere in sight. Christal came outside and they both realized their little boy was gone and she thought maybe Joe was headed to Randy’s parents’ house on the wooded trail between the two properties. Randy said Joe had never done that before, but Christal enlightened him and said that their two-year-old son (without her knowing it) followed older brothers Zack and Tucker there the previous week. They split up and searched for Joe with Randy on the ATV to check the wooded trail to his parents’ house while Christal checked the house (dryer and closets). When she didn’t find Joe, she called her mother-in-law, who said that Joe wasn’t there but she saw Randy pulling up outside and went to tell him what Christal told him. Mawmaw checked around the house for her grandson while Joe went to check Sweet Grass yard. Randy went back home and Christal said Joe was probably hiding somewhere making a game out of it, but Randy told her that didn’t make any sense because Joe knew they were about to go to the beach. Christal went to check with the neighbors to see if Joe went visiting, and Randy kept checking the fields. Christal went to the neighbors with the pool and they went out back and checked it because there was no cover on it and Joe liked to go swimming there, but they discovered he wasn’t there. The neighbor said she and her older son would help search and Christal left to continue up the street asking around. When Randy got back to the house, he called Carroll County 911 and he explained the situation to the operator that Joe had been missing for thirty to forty-five minutes and confirmed he was currently at his residence at 150 Gold Dust Trail. She told him a deputy was dispatched and he would be there soon. His wife, Mary, called Larry, Randy’s dad, at his Cedartown construction job and he headed home to look for Joe. Christal got back to the house and met Sergeant Bert Smith from the Police as well as Division Fire Chief Bud Benefield from the Carroll County Fire Rescue. Smith separated the couple and took Christal to the side because he wanted to speak to her and get her story without Randy answering for her. Randy asked Bud why the officer was questioning Randy’s wife away from him, and Bud replied that she might have remembered something that Randy wasn’t aware of or missed. Inside the house, Smith and Benefield discussed how their stories panned out and there was no prior history of criminal activity on either parent and Smith mentioned that the family was even close friends with the local sheriff. They decided they would need a lot of manpower to search the woods for Joe. Officer Smith asked about any unusual vehicles or strangers in the area and wanted to know if anybody held a grudge against the family, such as a disgruntled employee or family member, because it was not out of the question that somebody could have abducted Joe even though they lived in a rural area. Christal gave the first responders a recent photo of Joe. Mary called Pastor Jerry from the local church and asked him for a prayer chain to be started and he agreed that would be a good idea. The pastor said he would take care of the prayer calls and organize a search party of volunteers and assured Mary, who was very upset, that God was with them all and Joe too. Fireman Bud told Randy that he needed to stay put to help them with the mapping out of the area and not go off on his ATV to help search the area and added that a lot of professional searchers who would soon be arriving. The fire chief said he had tracked down a helicopter with the infrared FLIR equipment needed to detect objects like a heated body through the trees and told the police officer that it was not acceptable for the police dogs in the field, who were currently on a drug interdiction in Meriwether, to take an hour to get there when that was how long it would take to get the rescue helicopter. Fire chief Bud went on to say that it was better to get the search dogs in the field first before the scent was destroyed by the search party. At the Mass Communications Department, Dr. Chester Gibson, the chairman, asked on the phone if there was a helicopter there yet because you could never depend on state agencies to follow through. After the call, Chester’s secretary asked him if he thought the Atlanta news would send one of their helicopters, and he replied not unless they assigned a reporter to cover the story. He went on to say that would be hard anyway since they were outside of Atlanta. His secretary asked if he still had his contacts from Channel 6 because he had done some presidential debate analysis once for that news channel. Professor Chester agreed and was sure he could get one of the producers on the phone, and the secretary Teresa offered to reach out to the interns at all the network affiliates as well to see if they could put her in touch with their story assignment editor. The tiny gas station was closed so the employees could join the search. In the next scene, Christal told a female officer that she had already searched the area the officer came out of and so had others. Christal was upset with the officer about the questions everyone kept asking her over and over again and told the first responder she didn’t know why the first responder didn’t just get out there and find her son (as though the officer left the toddler boy alone outside the house and was the one who failed at the parenting job of raising God’s child). The sheriff Tony showed up and told the officer that they needed no introductions because their families went way back and he personally knew Randy and Christal. Randy and Christal thanked Tony for going to find out what was going on and then coming back to tell them. Christal was embarrassed when she noticed their Christmas lights were still up on the house, and that sparked an argument between her and Randy about whose responsibility it was to look after Joe. Christal questioned whether or not the boys would one day when they grew up thank Randy for all the work he did because they never even knew their dad since he was gone all the time, so Randy stormed off into the woods on foot to look for Joe. Carol Fulton, the owner of the gas station, arrived and told an officer that she was a friend of the family and went to go hug Carol. Christal told Carol she was a failure because she lost her son, but Carol told her it wasn’t her fault because children wandered off all the time and her own had several times. Christal and Carol cried together and prayed for Little Joe, wherever he may be, to be found and for the brave people who came to help. The search and rescue leader, Gary, explained how everybody would be divided into teams and showed them a picture of Joe and described the perimeter and what they would be facing, such as several bodies of water and even a manure pond, and to check for footprints. Sheriff Tony told them that today, they were one department, even though the two departments (Police and Fire Rescue) were normally separate, and they needed to work as a team to find the missing boy. He explained that they might come across a crime scene in their search and gave instructions on how to deal with that and make certain that Joe was really dead and only use police code to relay the information in that event if that happened. When Larry got home, he took off on his dirt bike and his employees (the ones he told to stay behind and finish the job while he took the day off to search) were there too. Deputy Director Baskins in the helicopter then arrived on scene and the dogs were put on hold because there were too many people in the woods already who destroyed Joe’s scent. Randy’s hot-headed cousin then showed up to help search, but Smith told them they weren’t going into the woods to search because there were professionals out there and they didn’t want to have to deal with inexperienced people (which didn’t make sense because on Pawpaw’s side, there were already people in the woods searching, which connected to the property of Christal and Randy). Smith said he had his orders and they were not going anywhere, but Randy’s cousin replied that he and the others were going to go through the gate, and if the officer didn’t like that then he could shoot the cousin. Sheriff Tony called deputy Smith over, so Smith told Randy’s cousin and the others to stay where they were while he went to speak to the sheriff. The officers had a pow-wow about how the search and rescue efforts could get out of hand in no time and they didn’t know most of those people, so every now and then they would get a whacko showing up offering to search for a missing kid and they didn’t have the purest of intentions. Fireman Gary then said that because Joe was Randy and Christal’s child that they should be brought into the conversation and get their opinion on how to handle the outsiders. Because Randy was out in the woods himself, the first responders addressed Christal and she told them that the people were the answer to their prayers and to let them search for her son because many of them were from the church. The officials decided to have a sign-in sheet and anybody who wanted to search for the missing boy had to have their name on the first responders sign-up sheet as volunteers. Randy made it to the grain silos and had a flashback of the time when he and the three boys were there throwing rocks at the silo and Randy received a phone call from work and was mad at Joe for distracting while he was on the phone and ended up having to go back to the house to fax something over to his work and left the three boys there alone for a period of time while he did so, but the eldest walked his siblings home alone immediately after. Joe met up with a division of the search party where he told the lead man that he was headed back to the house, but not before the leader told Randy he needed to sign-in on the volunteer sheet to help because he didn’t know Randy was Joe’s dad. Randy continued his search through the woods. Randy fell to his knees in tears and prayed to God for his son. Some neighbors on the next farm over heard about what happened. The elderly man named Ed, who just had heart surgery two months before, wanted to join the search and he and his wife and their adult son Terry went to help. People from another church showed up to help, and then Christal was interrupted when her other sons, Zack and Tucker, were brought to her by a teacher, Emma Joe, because Christal didn’t pick them up from school as planned. The teacher told Christal that Principal Bowler closed the school after he heard about Joe missing because the principal was going to be part of the search party and invited the teachers to join him. The middle aged child told Christal that Joe was dead after she told them Joe was just playing a big game of hide and seek with everyone. Emma Joe said she would take the kids to her place because there was a lot of activity going on there at Christal’s house and not good for the children to be in the way of, and she agreed. The boys were happy to go with teacher Emma Joe because she had video games at her house. In the radio update to Gary, the ground crew cleared all the houses in the vicinity, so they sent the chopper to check the swamp to the west. Randy appeared, and Tony went to check on him, who was completely dirtied up, and Randy said he was out looking for his boy, but Tony said Randy had crucial information and he needed Randy to stay with them at the house. The sheriff then told Randy to buck up because if the people thought Randy was giving up, they would do the same and not search for Joe anymore and even if Randy was faking it, he had to show everybody he had hope and be strong and Tony encouraged Randy by telling him that there was still daylight and they had a good chance of finding Joe. Professor Chester showed up and told Christal that he got reporters from Channel 6 and 11 on their way now with helicopters to help get the news out and extend the search. Ed and Terry were dropped off at a search area, where an officer explained that it was just over four hours since Joe’s disappearance and that he was looking alongside the pond for footprints and because there were so many bodies of water, the officer was concerned that Joe was lying at the bottom of one of them. As Christal spoke to some of the church members, Randy sat off by himself and the female officer went to check on him. He told her then that he was thinking about the coyote den he had spotted in the woods a couple of weeks back, not to mention there were rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, scorpions, and other dangerous animals (black bears and mountain lions) out in the woods and how he used to think that place was God’s country because it was so beautiful. The family’s little white dog, Tater, showed up suddenly without the big black dog, Cleo, who belonged to a friend and they planned on taking it to the pound, but Joe was too attached to the friend’s dog so they didn’t. The officer asked where Cleo was because she wasn’t with Tater, and Randy replied that he hadn’t seen Cleo since Joe’s disappearance, which meant it was a possibly that Cleo and Joe were together. The female officer went to the command post, and it was voiced on the radio that they were possibly looking for Cleo (Charles Lincoln Edward Ocean), the black dog. Professor Chester asked Sheriff Tony why none of the K-9s were out in the field searching for Joe, and Tony replied that it wasn’t like the movies where a police dog could pick up just one person’s scent and that there were too many people out in the field so it would be a waste of time to deploy the dogs. Sheriff Tony said he would call Tracy Sargent for help even though Sheriff Tony’s K-9 officers doubted that her dogs could do anything more than his. Channel 6 arrived on scene and Professor Chester told the lady newscaster she could get a briefing from Sheriff Reeves and Chief Thomas from the Fire and Rescue and he would find out if the family would grant her an interview. Ed and Terry then separated off from their search group because they believed the people moved to slow. Ed had flashbacks of many years ago with his younger brother, Jimmy, and how Ed had Jimmy run an errand for him after telling him JImmy needed to enjoy life while he was young and spend with his friends and work later on at an older age. Jimmy sped off recklessly in his hotrod car and that decision evidently ended bad for Jimmy. During the interview the Fire Chief Garyupdated everyone on the current situation and added that the Red Cross was on site providing food and water for the search teams. He added that as a professional he was concerned about the number of people out searching for the boy but as a human being it kind of restored his faith in the goodness of people. An update came in then that there were marks by Grace Lake and they First Responders discussed it. They dispatched divers to the pond and told everyone to be discreet and use a secure radio channel. Deputy Bert was then assigned to the news helicopter because the rescue helicopter had to quit looking and go refuel. The officer wasn’t thrilled about flying in the small contraption of an aircraft. Before Officer Bert got into the helicopter, the news team inside discussed not to shoot any close ups of a two year old face floating down in the pond, or at least part of it. The pilot, Jack Reece then introduced himself to the Sergeant Deputy Bert Smith with the Carroll County Sheriff’s department as he arrived. On his dirt bike, Larry watched as divers in a police boat searched for his grandson at the bottom of the pond. Back at the Gold Dust command center, two of the recovery teams were called back and would then be equipped for night ops. Meanwhile, in front of a group of supporters, Christal is having a breakdown because the searchers are not finding her son and told the folks that her little boy would be alone in the dark woods without his mama. Terry and Ed then came upon a place where Ed used to play as a kid in the woods when he was younger that had electric fence and barbed wire and they decided to search that area since nobody else was. Tracy Sargent, with her dog, Cinco, then showed up and was introduced to Christal and Sheriff Tony said that Ms. Sargent believed that getting a scent out of Joey’s room would be the best for Cinco to begin the search. Inside the room, Christal remembered her son jumping up and down on his bed early that morning in his pajamas telling her he was a Blue Ranger and he jumped off the bed and landed hard on the floor but said he was ok and they then had a tickle war on the bed. Christal started crying and was taken outside the room by Randy and comforted. Professor Chester then told his wife that he told the sheriff that if they find Joe dead that he would want to be the one to break the news to Randy and Christal. Randy’s mom made it over from the trail to Randy’s house where she met Larry arriving on the dirt bike as she stood next to Randy and Christal. Larry told the family that he wanted to start draining the pits on the property since his grandson was more than likely headed over to visit pawpaw and could have fallen in one of those. As Terry and Ed walked through the dense woods, Terry discovered a hole in the ground that a small child could crawl into and it turned out to be a abandoned coyote’s den, but they did not look inside. Terry was concerned for his dad’s welfare but his dad said he wanted to keep looking. Ed had flashbacks of when Jimmy was in a car accident and Ed and Sylvia (wife) was at the hospital and they discussed how Ed told Jimmy to run the battery charger to the house, but he wrecked his car on the way. The doctor told Ed and Sylvia then that there was nothing they could do to save Jimmy’s life and he was dead from breaking his neck when he was thrown free from the car during the accident and his death was probably instantaneous and he had no suffering. Back in present time, Ed told little “Joe” that he was coming for him and did not want a second “Joe” to die. The news helicopter then spotted a black dog in the middle of a field running toward the woods. Officer Bert used his binoculars but could not see anything because of all the trees and leaves in the thick woods so he called in a ground crew. The female news reporter stood by the command center listening and asked to tag along with the Sheriff when he told them about the latest break in the search with the dog but the Sheriff responded to hold off on relaying the information to the family until they find out if the boy is there alive or dead. Then, Sergeant Deputy Bert told the others via radio that there was movement in the tree line that wasn’t the dog. The ground crew on four wheelers and foot then hurried to that location. The newsman inside the helicopter then told the officer he had the boy in his infrared site and that he was coming out of the trees. However, out of the trees came two tween boys and the wrong dog with a couple of BB guns around the same ages of Zach and Tucker. It was a heartbreaking to the rescue team. Sheriff Tony told Fire Chief Gary to call everyone in before it gets dark and added they just lost the best chances they had of finding little Joey. Chief Gary said they went from finding a needle in a haystack to finding a needle in a stack of needles. Terry then told his father that it was time to head back before it got to dark in the woods so Ed replied to stay where he was at and he would make it through the thick brush to Terry. Ed heard a bird calling so he followed the crow sound a short distance away and then he heard a dog barking so he ran toward that area. He immediately saw a black dog and then spotted little Joey walking around near the animal and yelled to Joe. Joe was startled and scared as he held onto his water gun for protection. Ed called to Terry for help as Joe walked over and sat under a tree because he wasn’t sure about the stranger man. Ed asked Joe if he wanted to ride a tractor but he didn’t reply. Ed asked Joe if he wanted to go see his mama and he was awarded with a huge smile and ran into Ed’s protective arms. Ed thanked God then and hugged Joe tight. Terry took Joe to carry him out of the woods so Ed could use his cane. Sheriff Tony then told the awaiting family that they located the missing toddler and that Joe was alive. Jesus was praised and many thanks to God were said. Randy then ran to retireve his missing son and was joined by his wife and the search party. The first thing they saw out of the woods was Cleo leading the way with the ATV’s trailing behind. The news people shared the happy ending to the viewers around the state. Larry arrived on his dirt bike and Joey told him he wanted to ride Pawpaw’s bike but Larry replied not at that moment. The two parents then thanked everyone for their great efforts in recovering Joe who ran off not knowing the many dangers that surrounded him when mom and dad were distracted by other things. Randy on TV thanked GOD and everyone for their help. Chrisal explained that Joey tried to shoot the moo cows which was why he ran off and got lost and told the reporter that Cloe never left Joe’s side so Cleo would not go to the pound and would stay with the family. Little Joe was given a fireman’s hat then and called Fireman Joe by Gary. The teacher dropped off the two older brothers then and they were reunited with little Joey and they thanked neighbor Ed for finding their brother. It was long after dark before all the First Responders and their equipment left the Simpkins premises. Randy then prayed to God with his wife and their three boys asleep on the couch for giving him a second chance to be a better father and husband and keep his family first in his heart. Randy asked too for a way to give back to those who helped them find their son. Then husband and wife discussed how neither was sleepy so the parents packed up all the kids into the van and hit the road for the beach vacation without rest from such an exhausting day. Randy told Cleo before he left in the car that she had to stay behind and that Mammaw and Pawpaw would take good care of her. However, Cleo hadn’t budged from her spot so Randy decided Cleo deserved to be with them and opened up the door and the four-legged hero jumped on in. The story ended with Randy putting his faith and family first and him went into public service to give back to the community. Ed Walker’s pain of losing his little brother was eased some when he found young Joe and that was the happiest day of his life. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/8/23

TITLE: The Other Side Of Heaven

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001 Walt Disney/3 Mark Entertainment/Molen/Garbett Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie is based on a true story and is about John Holbrook Groberg, who narrated that he was born during the Great Depression in Idaho Falls, Idaho. John’s parents gave the Holbrook middle name to all seven of their sons, of which John was the oldest. They were poor, but they lived happily on large doses of homemade bread and family music. John’s dad was a real-estate appraiser and a prominent Democrat, and when President Harry Truman came on town, John’s dad was the person selected to go meet him given that the majority of the state was Republican. John went to school at Eastside Elementary, where one morning Principal Bunker, gathered the kids and told them about the terrible thing that happened in Hiroshima, Japan, and they all observed a moment of silence. Even though John didn’t know those people, he felt a great deal for them and later on in his life felt a great deal more for another group of foreign people. Later on, in 1953 at Brigham Young University, there was a teen dance where band member, John, decided he didn’t like a boy dancing with a certain girl so he jumped off stage and started dancing with her and then the two males had a dance off with the female in the center of it (involving a chair) with the crowd cheering. John then took Jean outside and used the chair to hold the door so Jean’s date couldn’t come after her with John telling Jean she could come to the dances he played at with whoever she wanted to as long as she left with John. He took her to a swing over a pool of water and a full moon overhead, so whenever Jean swung toward the water she would see her reflection in the moon so she was in the light of the moon. John and Jean then kissed, and then he told her no matter where he was sent, they would be under the same moon. Three months later, John’s family in Idaho Falls read aloud a letter to John over the phone about how John’s Mormon church was being sent as a missionary to Tonga. At the train station, John’s dad Delbert made a speech to the family and townsfolk who attended the send-off and John said he didn’t know anybody over in Tonga who could love John as much as his dad did, but his dad trusted that God did because that was where He was sending his son. Delbert told John to keep that in mind during the hard times he encountered because God loved all His children. They sent John off with much love and cheers and he boarded the train. He later wrote to Jean (Pago, Pago, Samoa, twelve days into the journey) and told her that he understood why she wasn’t able to make it to his departure and explained that there were seven missionaries altogether on the boat, but everyone except John was going to Australia or New Zealand. John was dropped off at Pago, Pago, Samoa, where he was supposed to meet the president of the Samoan mission at dock because the president was going to take John to Tonga on another boat, but he was a no-show. After a couple of weeks, John found the president, who put him on a boat to Fiji, where he said John could catch another boat to Tonga. (Suva, Fiji, twenty-nine days into his journey), and two men were at the dock. The captain kicked John off the boat because his ticket ended there. Two police officers told the captain that John wasn’t on his list and couldn’t get off the boat and would arrest John if he did. The boat captain threw John’s suitcase onto he dock and told John that he would get off the boat or he would push John off. John jumped off the plank onto the dock just in time because the boat was already leaving. The officers then grabbed John and told him he was under arrest, and John was locked into a room with caged animals. To pass the time, John played his trumpet, and then an officer opened the door with two missionaries there in Fiji around John’s age and called him an elder Louis Armstrong. John was happy to see them and the missionaries got him a job on a freighter to Tonga. He bunked with a guy named Swede, who tried to get him a girl at every port but John said he only had one girl in his life. (Nuku’alofa Tonga, forty-eight days into his journey), when John arrived it was business as usual and nobody knew he was coming. Word must have gotten around quick because then Elder John Groberg was picked up by an English-speaking man, his mission president, in a suit like himself wondering where he had been. On the car ride, he told John he had just the place for him, Niuatoputapu, a small island eight hundred miles from where he was currently at in Tonga, where there were no white people and nobody spoke any English. John’s two assignments were to learn the language and build the kingdom. John asked who his companion would be, and he was introduced to an islander, English-speaking Feki, who was up on a wooden building frame, jumped to a palm tree like a monkey, and quickly climbed down it. John said the worst part of his trip was the eight-day journey to his assigned island because of the rough seas and the small boat. (Niuatoputapu, Tonga, eighty-three days into his journey) John was seasick and wished he was dead the entire trip.They called John “Kolipoki,” because they couldn’t pronounce Groberg, and he later learned that it meant “white guy with weak stomach.” John didn’t get a friendly greeting from the natives upon arrival at the island, and Feki translated their foreign words and told John they called him white and soft and Feki agreed with them. Later that night, John sat in a chair while the branch president organized a greeting party that had grass skirt-wearing men dancing excitedly in a circle around John holding spears. Afterwards, they picked up his chair, said John’s name Kolipoki and then dumped him out of his chair into his spot in the crowd so he landed roughly to the ground. A native female gave him something to drink, and he took a sip and it was nasty and told Feki that he couldn’t feel his tongue but Feki assured him that was normal. The branch president introduced their white brother, John, to the group and said God sent him to them as a messenger and asked John if he had anything to say. The only thing John could say was he had to go to the bathroom, more than likely because of the drink he was just served that had his tongue numb and effected other internal functions.John went to relieve himself in an outdoor contrapment with the other men in the grass skirts came to stand around him. In the next scene, when John took a bath and was naked in the horse trough and all of the village younger than ten kids came over and started splashing water on his naked body with the adults who came outside laughing. John wrote to Jean telling her that the island was beautiful but small, and so everybody in the rural area was related to each other and the few people that might listen to the missionaries already belonged to another church and their minister warned them not to listen to John. John’s mission president told him to learn the native language and build up the church, but he wasn’t doing well at either and the mail boat came only once a month and the only thing John was looking forward to as much as Jean’s letter was the mosquito net the mission president promised to send and it was needed because of elephantitis, a disease spread by the mosquitos in that region. John asked if Edward asked Jean to marry him yet and to keep in mind that the Tongan missionary (John) still loved her and to keep writing to him. Feki later told John that John was being required to speak to the members of the tribe per the branch president and John couldn’t understand how he would communicate to them because he didn’t even know their language yet. The branch president spoke to his clan in their native language and told the natives that no matter what John said to nod their heads in understanding and act interested. With a picture of Jesus behind John, he said he always wanted to serve as one of the Lord’s outhouses because he didn’t know the language well and got the native word wrong. John didn’t understand why God sent an outhouse all the way from America when they could all be their own outhouses. The natives roared with laughter at the end of his outhouse speech, and one female called him Elder Outhouse, which revealed to John that they did speak English. The president told the people, in his native tongue, to be kind to the elder and dismissed them. Later on, as John was in quiet place reading a Bible in English and attempted to translate it into the native language, Feki ran to bring him his boat mail and left it with John, who didn’t want to be disturbed, and went on his way so John could continue his studies and master the language and not be embarrassed again. Jean wrote her fourth letter to John without him responding and told him about Edward proposing to her. She told him she would have to think about it because she and John had a deal, but she didn’t remember what the deal was, so she went out to their swing and with the moon shining on her she remembered John and felt close to him for a moment as thought the heavens connected them. Feki continued to feed John on his little sand dune away from everybody until he mastered the language, and his mail went unopened. The tribe members took pity on John and decided to help Feki out by caring for the Elder who was hoping to make a difference in their world. Exhausted John finally woke up one day and was able to speak to Feki in his native language expertly and John decided it was time he ate something. John answered Jean and told him about a young man named Finau he was hoping to recruit who wanted to be baptized, but his parents wouldn’t allow it. The villagers helped John and Feki build their own house but the hardest part was evicting the animals (previous occupants). One night, John and Feki were awakened to sounds of wailing and villagers shouting. Feki told John that it was the cry of death and that someone had died. They mourn his passing with their cries. As John made his way to the dead person, and tried to say a prayer, he was interrupted by a professional mourner that threw her body on the dead person and a tribesperson pushed her off and she fell to the ground asking if the pudding was ready. Feki explained that a professional mourner got a place to stay and food to eat. Feki said the best thing you could bring to a Tongan funeral was a sack of flour or a fat pig. John asked Feki why he had such faith in John and Feki replied that John traveled so far to preach God’s word that what he taught must be true otherwise, John traveled a long distance just to tell a lie. Feki told John that his dad used to drink a great deal and beat his wife. Feki said the missionaries taught Feki’s dad how to live sober and see the truth in how his addiction destroyed his family. Hurrah for Isreal! After six months on the island, a boy fell from a mango tree and hit his head on the roots and was brought to John and Feki’s home. The father asked John to bless his child and bring him back to life. John told the man his son was dead but the man persisted that John had the power to make the boy well again. John took the boy into the house and laid him on the floor. John then prayed silently and turned the boy on his side and recited “out goes the bad air, in comes the good.”  The boy vomited then but did not wake up. John repeated his words throughout the night and through the next night, while the father sat outside singing with his family camping out. At dawn of the following day, the boy was breathing normally and snoring and he then woke up. Nuku (the boy) was then carried outside to his awaiting family. After that, John wrote Jean and told her that the natives accepted him now that he and Feki helped save the life of one of the villagers. He went on to say they were still working with Finau and teaching him about God. He told her that it was good manners to burp in Conga after someone feeds you a meal. John explained then that his deal with Jean was that in 2 ½ years after his mission was over that she would still be madly in love with him and they would then be married and would live happily ever after (his employer would still be with the church). John explained that the island was his favorite spot in the world and could only be beautified more with Jean’s presence and hoped that someday the two of them would walk the sands together and closed with his love. John woke up one morning and the bottoms of his feet were all bloody. Feki had told John never to sleep with his feet uncovered in Tongo because the rats eat the soles of feet off in the night. John said it was a hot evening. The Branch President arrived with the village medicine woman, Asi. She explained to John that his feet would either have to be seared with a hot knife or the sun. John chose the sun. John then lay out in the hot sun with his feet up in stir ups (think OBGYN visit for females) and carried around by the village people as needed. Jean responded in a letter telling John that Edward came back a second time and proposed again a week later after Jean refused his first proposal. Jean told him he should not be thinking about her but of the people in Tonga where he was. Jean was having less faith in their long distance relationship and thought perhaps John would fall in love with a princess Tongan princess. Jean signed off that she thought she loved him (but was not sure and would probably tell Edward no again and if not she would invite John to the wedding). The village folks entertained John with playing his trumpet and tried to pass the time during his recovery. John asked why Asi’s daughter, Mele, was so quiet, and Asi replied that her husband, before he was baptized, ran around with another woman and Mele was the result of his unfaithfulness. Asi said she took Mele in as her own and tried to love her, but Mele punished herself for the sins of her dad. Asi added that the minister was going around telling the tribe members that John’s feet were punishment from God for the false doctrine he was preaching to the villagers. She told him to pray for his feet and in three days’ time he could prove his faith and show the minister his errors and lies. John wrote Jean and told her to have Edward come visit because John had just the right treatment for Edward’s hot-to-trot attitude. As the villagers gathered around and awaited John’s appearance, they sat together on the ground outside to wait for the show to start and if he recovered. John stood up from his chair after many days of medical treatment and walked down the stairs to the crowd, who stood up as well to show their support for him. The older minister ran off in a huff at that. The crowd cheered and hugged young John, amazed that he was able to walk again. John went to eat with a family of seven and was about to preach about God’s happiness but was silenced when the attendees told him that the minister said they were no longer aloud to listen to John’s lessons, but they were still allowed to feed him. John cleverly incorporated Jesus and his lesson’s subject of happiness into the food blessing before the meal since he knew it was the last lesson they would receive. As John and Feki walked back to their house, they were surrounded by a group of threatening tribesmen with weapons. Tomasi (big like Samson) came out of the woods and escorted John and Feki to their home, where Tomasi, drinking his alcohol bottle, explained that he grew up as an orphan on the big island and the missionaries helped him and put him in school. However, when he moved to this small island, there were no missionaries so he forgot about the church until the minister told the tribesmen to go rough up the Mormons that night, and that was when Tomasi realized he needed to protect the Mormon missionaries because he was a Mormon also. After one year on the island, John and Feki took a family (the ones he ate with) on a picnic. Noli, the mom, ran off and left her eldest daughter Lavania alone with John, who faked an injury to get his attention after they were alone and then took her clothes off as he was bending down to look at her ankle. She pleaded with John to make love to her, as he turned his head away and no longer looked at her and told her instead that wouldn’t be right. John looked Lavania in the eyes and not below at her exposed parts and told her to follow him to the beach where they were originally going to go, and he would explain to her what true love was because what she wanted to do (sex) was not love.She picked up her clothes to get dressed and went after him. The next scene showed John and Feki at Tomasi’s place and giving him a bath, cut his hair, and dressed him like a Mormon in one of their white shirts to be like them. Noli and John had words where Noli was upset with John because Noli’s husband offered John a hundred acres of land there and their daughter Lavania, and he refused both and Noli thought it was because John thought he was better than them and believed that he turned up his nose at the village. Noli said what she really wanted was for John to just give the family a half-white baby and they would leave him alone and say nothing more. She thought that her brown skin made a difference why he wasn’t sharing his seed with the tribal people. John explained he could not share his seed until he was married, and he couldn’t be married until he was done being a missionary. Noli suggested he take a day off from his missionary work and then told him that there wasn’t one man on the island who wouldn’t sell everything he owned to spend one hour with Noli’s daughter. John explained for that reason alone, Lavania should save herself, that most beautiful part of herself, for the man who would love her forever. He showed Noli a picture of Jean and told her she was his true love and they both made promises that they would save themselves for each other when they were married, and Noli agreed that he couldn’t break his promise to Jean. Finau promised John and Feki fish for breakfast, and while they watched from the shoreline they saw him use his machete to spear the fish and he speared the one but then he accidentally slashed his leg instead of the fish. John and Feki rushed in to help Finau out of the water, but his dad nearby carried him away telling the missionaries to leave his son alone. The next day, a white boat from New Zealand anchored outside the island, and two men from the Coral Princess used their rowboat to bring crates of rum. The minister tried to tell the villagers that those devils had nothing they needed as the foreign men told the crowd they only had room for three women in exchange for the rum. Mele was one of the three teen girls who volunteered to leave on the boat as a sex slave. While John baptized Lavania, Mele was escorted into a cabin door by one of the sailors onboard. Another day, the missionaries were called to a home where Finau was dying of lockjaw (from his leg wound) and John offered to give a blessing but the minister said he wasn’t allowed to do that in that family’s house. Finau told John that he saw light, and John told him to greet the light and then Finau passed away holding in his hand the pearl that John and Feki gave him during their missionary class. John broke down in tears and cried to Yahweh asking Him why He took the life of John’s friend. Later on, when John and Feki were sitting on the beach, Feki told John they had to go because a bad storm was coming and the air was heavy so they ran immediateyl to find cover because Feki knew that would bring flooding to the island. The villagers had a pit dug it to take shelter in during bad storms such as this, and when John and Feki arrived, a villager’s daughter, Lita, was missing, so John and Feki went out to find her while dodging debris in the hurricane-strong winds. They were able to rescue young Lita out of the shelter that she clung to because after she was in John’s arms the structure completely blew away.After the storm had passed, the villagers left their shelter and discovered that their huts were destroyed with wild dogs scavenging for food in the ruins. Government officials then showed up and instructed everyone to gather the fruits from the trees and ration the food until the boat arrived in two weeks with supplies because they had been through that disaster before. The head official asked the minister to lead them in prayer, which the minister did and included asking for God to spare the people out on the sea and those others in the path of the storm as he did for the villagers there. Mele then washed up on shore and was found alive by her dad and Feki. Four weeks since the hurricane, there was still no boat and no fish and the water in the lagoon was still bad. Six weeks after the hurricane, Jean wrote to John again and she wondered why he hadn’t responded to her because she didn’t know about the hurricane and she knew Feki would take good care of John, but she was still worried. John and Feki resorted to eating mosquitos that tried to eat them. Eight weeks after the hurricane, John wrote Jean and told her he wasn’t sure if he would be alive when she received the letter because they were having food and water shortages and that his only regret was not having her there with him because he would die with her hand in his clasped tightly to make it clear they would not be separated, assuming of course that Jean hadn’t married Edward yet. John went on to say there was a connection between Heaven and Earth and that connection made everything meaningful, including death, and missing that connection made everything meaningless, including life. He asked Jean to comfort his parents because he was only now beginning to understand the love between HIS parents and the children God blessed them with. Jean wrote to John and told him that it had been three months since she or her John’s parents had heard anything from him and wanted to know if he was all right. As John was dying under a tree, he told Finau’s spirit standing before him that he saw a light, and Finau told him to go to it. John was then interrupted by the minister, who kneeled beside him and gave John his clam meal and told him to live because he was younger and could do much good, whereas the minister was older and going to die sooner than John anyway and told John to serve God’s children with all his heart before he slowly walked away to die. Not long after, the villagers heard a bell that signaled and alerted them to the arrival of the supply ship. John told Feki to go ahead and he would wait there for the food because he had no energy to get up like the others and row small boats out to the ship in the far distance. However, the next scene had the elder minister dead and the villagers burying him with young John playing his trumpet at the funeral. John and Feki then discovered that they had a new mission president who wanted John to be the district president and to call two counselors, and he also wanted both missionaries to start a school and start preaching in the outer islands.He wanted Feki to go back to construction work. As Feki left, John gave him a gift of the pearl that belonged to Finau. Feki thanked John for offering the pearl to him, but he wanted John to keep it to remember their friendship. Feki said he would build all of John’s chapels and John would fill them, and then Feki departed in his little boat yelling “Hurrah for Israel,” which John shouted back. Later on, John spoke to his two chosen councilmen and asked them why he kept hearing about girls and stolen coconuts. One replied that those were the privileges of the upper class, and they went on to explain the neighbor’s wife and the neighbor’s coconuts. John replied not within the church, and the other councilman explained that he was a copper farmer and to ensure the best prices for his copper, he must take his daughter to visit the governor once a week (have sex with him) because that was the way of the villagers. The man Tomasi said that was before he met John and repented and now, instead of his daughter, he gave the governor a bottle of fine liquor every Friday. John spoke up and told Tomasi that was against their religion, and Tomasi replied drinking liquor was against their religion, but giving it was an act of charity.After John forbade Tomasi from giving the governor anymore alcohol, Tomasi walked away and quit being councilman even though they had a trip to go on the following day. The other councilman told John that he didn’t understand and walked away too. The next day, Tomasi came back and agreed he must set a better example and helped lift the boat into the water for their trip because the other three men were struggling to do it themselves with Tomasi’s super-strength. Out at sea, John and another man left their big boat in a little boat and make it by sundown to reach a family that wanted to hear the Gospel and they would be back to the big boat in the morning. The man rowing told John that he sinned the majority of his life and didn’t find God until his older years, so he was rowing the boat for John who was young and found God decades before the other man was able to. They went to Niniva Island, Fotuha’a Island, Lifuka Island, Ha’afeva Island where John preached to the people and did baptisms as John and Jean corresponded more and she told him she was graduating from college and was going to teach school somewhere, to which he replied he wished she could teach there. After two and a half years on the island, John came back from his trip and met the new mission president who was awaiting his arrival before the president moved on to Vava’u. The mission president scolded John because John had not kept records of his baptisms, work with the schools, or progress with the villagers and submitted them to the boss. The mission president schooled John that when he baptized somebody, he was supposed to fill out a baptismal record, and that he was also supposed to send weekly reports of his activities and for all he knew, John could have been vacationing there the last two years. John replied that nobody asked for reports before, except for the branch president in Filimaya. The mission president told John that had no branch in Filimaya, to which John argued they did with thirty-two members and a nice chapel. The mission president asked who was financing all the baptisms and the building of the chapel, and John’s only response was that everybody in Filimaya had the records, just not anybody in the president’s office. The president Stone told John that the house of the Lord was a house of order, and there were forms for those things. John then went around and gave everybody forms to fill out so he could then give the president before he left the island the stacks of completed baptism forms, priesthood ordinations, branches they organized, and the chapels they built. John apologized for not knowing about the forms, and President Stone replied that he was up all night thinking about what he said to John the previous day and wanted to tell him that the president had never seen a happier bunch of saints in his life and told John to just keep doing what he had been doing because it was working with the people. The president told John he was extending his mission for an additional six months and that he would be putting two new chapels in his district, and because they were made of concrete, he recommended they purchase the land. On another boat trip to the outer islands, John and his councilmen found a stowaway child on the boat after they set sail, so the boy was spanked and thrown overboard with his dad telling him to swim home. John was concerned about sharks and leg cramps, but Kuli said it was his son and he would be all right. They encountered rough seas, and Kuli fell overboard but they pulled him back inside the boat. A monster wave crashed on top of them, so the boat capsized and the trio fell into the sea. John was the only one seen swimming to an island by morning. Jean wrote to John that she moved to Anaheim, California, where she took her first job after graduation and understood John’s excitement when he was offered an extension of his work. Jean added that her friends were in Utah and her family was in North Hollywood, so all she had in Anaheim were her students and lots of time to think of John and encouraged John to lose himself so when he returned home, Jean would know she was in love with the person God intended him to be. Tomasi and Kuli made it to land and saw John swimming close by, and after they were reunited, they discussed how sometimes God calmed the storm, sometimes God calmed the sailor, and sometimes He just let them swim. The trio eventually made it somehow back to the main island, where John returned to the women crying as they handed him a telegram and told him they didn’t know what it said it was confidential when clearly all the women were in tears because they had already read it and knew what it was about. When John read that his extension was denied in Salt Lake and his travel home was arranged where he would be picked up by boat to New Zealand and then airplane to Los Angeles the following week, meaning he had to leave the island as soon as possible. The villagers said their goodbyes to Kolipoki and gifted him with temple burial clothes (the church sent with him in the event John died but didn’t tell John and kept them hidden) from Salt Lake, and then the islanders brought out their huge radio and played John’s jazz trumpet music and they listened to The Lone Ranger in the evening. He visited Lavania, who was cradling a baby with her native husband singing to them on the porch.The villagers sang “God be with you till we meet again…till we meet at Jesus’ feet,” as John left their island and journeyed back to his USA homeland. Barefoot John met President Stone in New Zealand as he left the boat. Instead of sleeping on the hotel bed, he slept on the floor and thought that for the past three years he lived among people who possessed nothing yet possessed everything. John’s family greeted him when he arrived home in Idaho Falls, and John and Jean were soon married thereafter. The movie ended with Lavania and her husband emigrated to the U.S. in 1975, where they lived in north California with their two children and give grandchildren. Nuku moved to the U.S. in 1973 and married soon thereafter, and he and his wife had seven children and he lived and worked in San Francisco. Feki married a lovely Niuean girl in 1958 and supervised construction of the first airport in Niue, as well as the island’s first hotel. He died of bone cancer in 1972. John and Jean were married in 1957 and raised a large family and returned to the Pacific islands many times, continuing their missionary service. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 5/5/23

TITLE: Year One 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Columbia Pictures/Sony Pictures/Ocean Pictures/Apatow Company Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a group of cavemen hunting a boar. One of the huunters, Zed, threw his spear, but it missed the boar and instead pierced the back of Enmebaragesi’s left shoulder. Zed tried to deny that it was his spear but everybody knew otherwise. Back at the village, Zed went to talk to Maya, one of the gatherers who he had a crush on. However, Maya told him that she needed a man who could protect and take care of her and not just make her laugh like Zed did. Zed and his friend, Oh, another gatherer, later discussed how hunter Zed didn’t like the way Marlak, the lead hunter, was flirting with Maya and how another gatherer, Eema didn’t even know Oh existed but he wanted to lay with her. Zed said he probably wouldn’t lay with Eema, and Oh replied that she was Zed’s sister so that would be like laying with his mother, to which Zed replied that he understood now that doing that was a big mistake (Zed had sex with his mother). Zed suggested that Oh do the fertility dance with Eema at the feast that night and then drag her to his hut. Oh replied that he still lived with his parents and he didn’t want to keep them up all night with his raucous lovemaking. Zed and Oh then left the village and went to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because Zed planned to eat the forbidden fruit (two men here instead of Adam and Eve). Zed went on about how the fruit must be magical and he hoped it would make him the smartest man in the village so Maya would lay with him. He ate the fruit despite Oh telling him not to because it was just a piece of fruit and eating it wouldn’t change his life, not to mention there was a rule against eating it. Zed claimed that he instantly felt more intelligent, but he couldn’t answer any of the questions Oh asked him, like where babies came from. A large yellow snake then began wrapped itself around Oh’s upper body, and the only idea Zed could come up with was to eat more fruit while the snake constricted Oh. Oh somehow got free from the snake, and later that night at the feast Zed told Oh to go do the jackal dance in front of Eema. She started dancing with him, but then Oh ruined the moment when he misinterpreted Zed’s “over the head,” signal and Oh hit Eema on the head with a stick. Zed was later confronted about his being in the garden earlier that day, and he was told that by eating the forbidden fruit, he was cursed and had to leave the village so the others wouldn’t be cursed. Zed tried to recruit people to go with them to a place where he would start his own tribe, but he failed and then accidentally set fire to Oh’s hut. The villagers chased Zed into the woods and Marlak was about to kill him, but Oh knocked Marlak out by hitting him in the back of the head and Oh and Zed made an escape. They then encountered a cougar and Zed decided to run, leaving Oh to be attacked by the big cat. Oh escaped with deep some scratches, and he and Zed made it to the top of the mountains, where they discovered that the world didn’t end on the other side and there was a whole unexplored world before them.They came across a pile of poop that Zed thought was made by humans, but after licking it and then taking a bite of the poop he realized that it was from a bear. Zed then spotted a cow among a herd and went after it with the sharp tip from his spear. He jumped on its back, but the cow bucked Zed off. Two brothers, Abel the farmer and Cain the herdsmen, then appeared with Cain calling Abel a suck, which was short for suckle-up because he claimed that Abel suckled up to God. Abel replied that Cain was upset because God looked on Abel’s sacrifice with favor and not Cain’s, and then the siblings started violently fighting. Zed and Oh decided not to interfere and let the brothers settle their dispute, and Cain settled it by smashing a rock into Abel’s head to kill him. Cain tried to deny what he did and fell to the ground pulling Abel’s body onto his own and screaming that Abel was trying to choke Cain to death when Abel was already passed out from blunt force head trauma. Cain tried to claim self-defense like the lunatic he was. Abel woke back up, and Cain took the same rock and hit Abel hard in the head again to make sure he finished the job this time. Abel still wasn’t dead, so Cain continued beating Abel with the same large rock until he was certain the younger sibling died. Cain, Zed, and Oh discussed it and agreed that it was horseplay between the two brothers and that they wouldn’t tell anyone about the “Abel accident.” Cain convinced the cavemen to come to his house for supper that night. At the dinner table, Cain’s father, Adam, asked Cain where his brother Abel was, and Cain lied that he hadn’t seen Abel lately. Zed and Oh covered for Cain that they had no idea who Abel was, but Adam said that Cain’s sister, Lilith, saw him in the field with Abel. Cain said that was yesterday, and when that didn’t work Cain mentioned a bunch of people (biblical names) who he said Lilith must have seen instead of himself, but Adam firmly restated what Lilith said about seeing Cain and Abel arguing. Cain called his sister a lying bit** and said it was human nature that brothers would argue, and then he had an angry outburst and stormed off telling his father he wished Adam were dead too, but then backtracked and said even though Abel wasn’t dead at all. Adam told Zed and Oh they were welcome to spend the night there, and added that he would allow Zed to lay with his daughter Lilith because she was unmarried and as the Lord said, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Adam told Oh to share the bed with his other son, Seth, who whispered to Oh that he multiplied with sheep. Zed went up to the hayloft and undressed in an attempt to seduce Lilith, but she told him that she was attracted to women. When he didn’t understand her meaning, Lilith clarified that she liked to have sex with other women. Oh slept in Seth’s bed, and Seth made a show of obnoxious farting. The next day, Adam and some others from the village went to find Abel. Cain told Zed and Oh that he was heading to the coast and suggested they come with him because when they found Abel with his head bashed in, they would blame his death on the drifter cavemen. The search party found Abel’s dead body, and Adam immediately knew it was Cain and they went after Cain and the cavemen. Cain shouted to his father asking who was in God’s favor now, and then Cain was struck in the forehead by a bolt of lightning, which left a mark. Cain took Zed and Oh to a town, where they discovered that the hill tribes raided their old village, took everyone captive, and traded them to the boat people to be brought to that town and sold as village slaves in chains.  Zed didn’t think it was a coincidence what happened and said he believed everything happened for a reason and God wanted him to have the knowledge of good and evil. Maya asked why they were assuming God was a he, but Zed didn’t have an answer for that and just laughed about it. Cain said he would work a deal to buy their fellow villagers, but he ended up ditching Zed and Oh to be sold as slaves themselves along with their villagers. On the trip to their unknown destination, the Sodomites attacked the caravan. The Sodomites captured all the slaves except for Zed and Oh, who decided they would go to Sodom and rescue the villagers. Abraham was just about to sacrifice his young son, Isaac, when Zed and Oh appeared. Abraham asked if they were sent by God to stay his hand from killing his son, and Zed said he was and Abraham believed him and took him and Oh to his Hebrew village. Abraham warned Zed and Oh not to go to Sodom because it was cursed for its abominations and God told Abraham that the city and all who lived there would be destroyed. Outside, Abraham told the cavemen that he would signify his covenant with the one true God by circumcising himself that very day, and he would do the same to Zed, Oh, Isaac, and every other man in the village. Zed tried to tell Abe not to make any rash decisions and to sleep on it, but Abraham ignored him and went to get his good knife. Zed and Oh later left, and Isaac appeared and said he deserved some wine after his circumcision, so he took the cavemen to Sodom, the Unholy Land, where he claimed he and his boys went on the weekends to pick up on the babes, drink some wine, and smoke some herb. Guards apprehended Zed and Oh, and Isaac ditched them. One of the guards grabbed Oh by his nipples, and he started screaming like a woman, which woke up the commander. He was about to beat the outsiders with a stick when Cain, now a soldier, appeared and pretended like Zed and Oh were his brothers and told them not to leave him again, when he was the one who left them. That got the cavemen out of their sticky situation, and Cain showed them around the city where there were men and women as well as women and women making out. Zed and Oh were worried that Cain was going to do something to them, but Cain replied that was like a fortnight ago (shorter than that in fact) and he just needed some space from them because he was dealing with the death of a close, personal family member (his brother who he recently killed). Cain added that he now realized Zed and Oh were his real brothers and that it was so rare to have a brother that he loved and didn’t want to kill. While Zed and Oh were eating, Cain told Oh to go talk to the woman who was flirtatiously eating a banana. Oh replied that he already had a girlfriend who he was going to marry one day (Eema), and Cain told him that what happened within the confines of the walls of Sodom stayed within the confines of the walls of Sodom. He then recruited Zed and Oh as guards and all they had to do was walk around the city, and if they saw a troublemaker they needed to cut off that person’s finger, the tip of their nose, or their lower lip, basically anything they could grab and slice in one motion. Cain reminded Zed and Oh that it was the palace that paid the guards, not the people. Meanwhile, the high priest (the king’s brother-in-law who was wearing heavy female eye shadow makeup and acting fruity) examined the insides of a sheep that were poured onto the table in front of him. He commented about the sheep’s male parts and the shape of its intestines, which to him signified that the king would either have a surprise visit from a former friend or sweetheart or that he was going on a long sea voyage.Outside, the villagers and guards bowed down as Princess Inanna, the king’s stepdaughter, passed, and then they all headed to the temple, where the high priest was selecting from a line of women one virgin to be thrown into the fire as an offering to the gods in exchange for rain to end the ongoing famine. After the sacrifice of burning an innocent girl, a female approached Zed and Oh and told them that the princess wanted to see them. She handed Oh over to Zaftig, the eunuch, and when Oh asked why he couldn’t go with Zed, Zaftig asked if he was Oh’s lover. Oh replied that he and Zed were just friends and it would be weird for them to be anything more because they were both guys. Zaftig explained that he had been a palace eunuch since he was nine years old, and he got his position by having his testicles cut off. He then pulled out a little pouch which contained his cut-off parts and said he liked to keep them close to him. That night, the female from earlier then escorted Zed to a palace party. She lifted the veil from her face to reveal that she was Maya and said she was still a slave, now princess Inanna’s maidservant. She didn’t believe Zed when he said that he and Oh were there to rescue her and the others, and Maya said she would like to join him at his orgy, but she was a slave and didn’t get any breaks so she had to get back to work. She added that the princess had crabs. In the crowd, Zed had an awkward moment when he ran into a “miss…ter,” man dressed as a woman. He spoke with Oh, who was standing on the sidelines with other people covered in gold paint to look like a statue. The high priest called over Oh and ordered him to either rub oil onto the pagan priest’s bare, hairy chest or die. Oh did as he was told, and Eema saw and was not happy. Princess Inanna told Zed that she called him to her because she noticed he was the only person standing up in the square and she thought to herself that he was one man who refused to bow down to anything, had the courage to question the order of things, and was chosen by the gods to do something great (make her Queen). She leaned in to tease kiss Zed but then turned away and led him somewhere else. The high priest told Oh that his life was devoted to the service of the gods and the good of the people, and he kept nothing for himself. Oh agreed that was very unselfish of him and then asked about the set of doors in front of them. The priest explained that behind those doors was the Holy of Holies, the earthly domain of the gods, and that anyone who entered the room would die instantly. He added that the room didn’t need cleaning (since the bugs that went in there were vaporized so there were no dead bugs on the floor) and the holy man called male Oh a gorgeous little dunce when he asked if they could pop their heads into the room. The priest then dragged Oh off so he could get another oil rub. After they left, Inanna brought Zed to the Holy of Holies and told him that he needed to go in there and plead with the gods for rain, and that because he was the chosen one he should be able to go into that room like the high priest did and not die. Zed said he would do it in exchange for his friends’ release. He entered the room and discovered that Oh was there hiding from the high priest. Zed said he wasn’t fried upon going into the room because he was a chosen and he figured that was why God didn’t kill Oh because He knew Oh was Zed’s follower. Zed got down on his knees and folded his hands to pray to Almighty God, or gods, whatever the case might be. He asked for rain so no more virgins would have to be killed, the strength to free his friends from their slavery, and the power to see through women’s clothing without them knowing. Oh then asked Zed if it occurred to him that maybe God was not in that room and it was unlikely that He stepped away to do “God stuff,” because if He needed something, He could create in from nothing. Oh asked what the point of being God was if you needed to keep running out for things, and then he added that maybe God didn’t exist and the whole point to life was there was no point.Zed disagreed, and then he said that Oh was jealous of him because he was a virgin and that he would believe in God if he had ever been with a woman. Oh argued he was a virgin by choice, and Zed replied it wasn’t by his own choice.Zed said he had a plan to get them all out of there, and Oh agreed to trust Zed only so he could free Eema. Zed walked away, and Oh told God, if He did exist, that he would be grateful if God would make Eema love Oh.However, when they came outside a group had gathered around Inanna. Zed asked if they waiting for the turn to go into the holy room because it wasn’t a life-and-death deal, and the high priest ordered for Zed and Oh to be seized. They were sent to the dungeon, where Oh refused to speak to Zed because he wasn’t a true friend and dragged Oh away from the village into the other world where brothers killed brothers, women were burned, people were slaves, and men cut off their private parts. Oh said he hated the world and Zed, who argued that Oh needed to understand he took a few wrong turns because he was the chosen and Oh couldn’t even imagine what kind of responsibility that was. Oh told Zed to shut up because he was the only one who thought he was chosen. Oh, who was upside down in chains, shouted to the guards that he needed to pee, but nobody came so Oh started peeing and it dripped down his shirt, face, and hair and even got into his nose. Zed and Oh were later brought in chains before the royal family, and Cain read that they were charged with the crimes of blasphemy, heresy, conspiracy, treachery, leprosy, puppetry, hyperbole, refusal of sodomy, lechery, and the murder of Cain’s brother, Abel. Cain announced that they would be stoned to death as punishment for those crimes and others he had not mentioned. Zed then suggested that it would only be fair if the prisoners themselves were allowed to choose one person who would stone them. They chose Zaftig, and the high priest thought it was spectacular that Zaftig threw one of his own testicles at Zed and Oh from his little pouch. Cain said that didn’t count because it wasn’t a stone, and then Zed picked a little boy and announced that Cain hated kids since he objected. The kid threw three huge rocks and hit Oh’ repeatedly in the head, and before Cain could finish the countdown for everybody else to join in Zed announced that he had a question for the king, which was why he didn’t die in the Holy of Holies. He answered his own question that he was chosen by the gods, and the crowd started chanting to spare the chosen one. The king wasn’t sure what decision to make, and his advisor told him that if he killed the chosen one who the crowd was rooting for, it would inflame the situation and cause a radical regime change. The king whispered something to the commander, who told everyone that it was the judgement of their merciful king that the prisoners be enslaved to toil at hard labor until they died of starvation or exhaustion. This meant that Zed, Oh, and their villagers and other slaves were forced to construct a building. Zed tried to get out of the work, but the supervisor didn’t believe his excuse that he slept on his neck wrong and started whipping Zed. The king explained to Princess Inanna that two virgins, her handmaiden (Maya) and another slave (Eema), would be sacrificed because they were discovered by Cain to be followers of the “chosen one.” The king then addressed the crowd (who were all mandated to attend) and told them that for the love of the people and the heavenly gift of rain, he would offer his own stepdaughter, Princess Inanna, as the third sacrifice. The commander ordered for the king’s soldiers to kill the king. Zed decided to undertake a rescue scheme by fighting off the soldiers, and Abraham and the Hebrews removed their cloaks and joined the fighting. Oh rescued Eema and brought her around the side of the building and told her that him rubbing oil on the high priest’s chest was not a gay thing. Oh and Eema started kissing, and then Oh told the crowd not to harm Eema because she wasn’t a virgin anymore and he saved her life with his lovemaking, and she said that Oh was no longer a virgin either. The commander attacked Zed, and Oh distracted the head soldier by telling him that he just had sex with his new girlfriend. That gave Zed the opportunity to hit the commander so hard with a shield that he fell back into the crowd and the people attacked him. The high priest had hold of Maya and was about to throw her into the fire when Oh threw hot oil on him, which caused him to let go of Maya and stumble backwards into the hot furnace. Zed then told everybody that on behalf of the city, he thanked the high priest for his sacrifice (death), and the crowd cheered. It started pouring down rain, and the crowd chanted for the chosen one. The rain stopped as soon as it started, and Zed confirmed that the people of Sodom respected, loved, and feared him and would worship him. He then told them not to do any of those things because he wasn’t the chosen one even though he thought he was, and that maybe everyone could make their own destiny and could all be chosen, and the crowd liked that idea and it started raining again. Princess Inanna became queen as she craved, which she said she had tried for years to do but she realized she couldn’t do it without Zed. Isaac tried to hit on Eema, but Oh appeared and told him to stay away from his woman otherwise he would kill Isaac where he stood. It was decided that Oh would stay in Sodom with Eema to lead the village, and Zed, Maya, and others would go to Egpyt and beyond to explore the world. Zed and Oh hugged, and Oh said he hoped the gods would smile on Zed and Zed told Oh that he wanted him to make babies with Zed’s sister, Eema. The movie cover art listed the following: Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald, “Undeniable humor…I double dare anyone not to laugh.” 


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