DATE REVIEWED: 11/21/23
TITLE: Saving Silverman
BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)
PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001 Columbia Pictures / Village Roadshow Pictures / NPV Entertainment / Sony Pictures Releasing (released before 9/11)
RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1
REASON: This movie takes place in Washington, where Wayne Lefessier, J.D. McNugent and Darren Silverman had been best friends since fifth grade. In high school, Wayne was a third string quarterback, J.D. was the mascot and Darren was a cheerleader. Their football coach Norton advised them to stay away from women who were only after sex. Now as adults, J.D. worked for Subway, Darren was a social director at a retirement home where an elderly citizen named Abe stood up during bingo with his pants pulled down and his entire bare butt exposed, and Wayne started his Cowboy Wayne pest and rodent control business. The three buddies shared in common their love for Neil Diamond(and especially liked his 1972 concert) and they started a band called Diamonds in the Rough. At a bar, Darren told his buddies that the one and only woman for him was Sandy Perkus from high school, but before he could ask her out she moved away with her circus family (dad The Strong Man, mom The Bearded Lady, and brother Dog-faced Boy) so now there was nobody for Darren. Wayne spotted attractive female Judith Fessbeggler and went over to tell her about Darren. Wayne went back to the table and lied to Darren that Judith wanted to meet him, and so she blew him off when he tried to talk to her but then claimed him as her boyfriend when another man tried to hit on her to get rid of him. Judith asked Darren to order a drink for her and she demanded that he order the same for himself instead of the beer he wanted. Before long, it was Darren and Judith’s six-week anniversary of dating. She didn’t get him anything, but he got her a necklace, which she glanced at it for a second and then tossed aside. Darren announced that he wanted to have sex, and Judith pranced in front of him in the bedroom wearing her bra and slip and told him that she didn’t believe in premarital sex but that didn’t mean they couldn’t pleasure each other in other ways. Darren pleasured Judith, and then afterwards she handed him a dirty magazine with some lotion and she went to sleep. Darren then wanted Judith to be part of the Sunday football ritual day to meet Darren’s friends, and she didn’t want to but he convinced her. Judith wore a revealing shirt with the front almost completely open and her bare breasts visible. Wayne and J.D. showed Judith the Neil Diamond items they had on display and admitted that they stole one of Neil’s shirts when he was in the bathroom after a concert. They added that now they couldn’t be around Neil because he placed a restraining order on them, and Judith, a psychologist, told them that their obsession with Neil was a delusional projection fantasy. When J.D. tried to have Judith take a seat in his armchair, it got stuck and she went flying backwards staining her shirt and ruining her hair. Judith then sped off in a car driving recklessly and told Darren that she wanted him to quit the band and get new friends and never hang out with Wayne and J.D. ever again. Darren was reluctant but agreed when Judith threatened they would never have sex again and she would take away his masturbation privileges. Judith controlled Darren’s life in all aspects from then on, including making him get butt-cheek implants because she didn’t like the way his butt looked and torching his Neil albums. When Darren found time to spend with his friends, he told them that Judith was forcing him to have relationship counseling sessions with her two hours a day, three days a week ($200 an hour). Wayne and J.D. told Darren that Judith wasn’t right for him and they even made a chart to show him how things had changed since he met Judith, but Darren didn’t want to listen and left to heat the wax for Judith’s legs. Wayne and J.D. decided they needed to save Silverman, so they went to see Judith and paid her all the money they had in their pockets to get two and a half minutes of her time. Wayne said that he would sign his house over to Judith if she stopped seeing Darren, but she said she didn’t want the house, Wayne’s dead grandmother buried in the backyard, or J.D. who Wayne tried to throw in to sweeten the deal. Judith added that Darren was her puppet, and she owned him and was in complete control of him so he did whatever she said. Wayne and Judith challenged each other to a game of arm-wrestling, and she easily won. Wayne and J.D. then paid two prostitutes to hang out at the club with them and play pool in their bras, and Wayne and J.D. cut out Darren’s face from other pictures and glued them over their own faces on the hooker photos. They sent the pictures to Judith to make her think Darren was cheating on her with two other women. Judith confronted the guys and pointed out that Darren didn’t have a tattoo like in the picture, and she ripped Wayne’s shirt-sleeve to reveal that it was his tattoo. Judith stormed off saying that she would kill those idiots if she ever saw either of them near Darren. Darren later announced that Judith proposed to him and he accepted, and he would be Mr. Fessbeggler in a week because Judith believed it was sexist for the woman to take the man’s last name. Sandy Perkus moved back to town and met up with Darren. J.D. jogged Sandy’s memory that he was the guy who went to prom with a tuxedo painted on his naked body, but everyone could see his private parts when he spilled a drink and the paint ran. J.D. added that he was also the guy who singed his ball sac with the Bunsen burner in science class, but it didn’t ring a bell with Sandy. Wayne and J.D. tried to tell Darren that he should get back together with Sandy, but he insisted that Judith was now his one and only someone. At the engagement party, Judith wore an extremely low-cut dress that almost went down to her belly button and showed most of her breasts. She didn’t invite Wayne and J.D. to the party, so they barged in and confronted Brett and Clayton who Judith set up with Darren to be his new friends. Wayne and J.D. started a fight with the other men but they were kicked out. They then decided they would kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy because they knew he loved Sandy no matter what he said. They deactivated the alarm system on Judith’s house and then broke in. Wayne went upstairs and pulled a tranquilizer gun on Judith in bed in her skimpy negligee, and she kicked the gun out of his hand and the dart got stuck in his leg. By the time he woke up, Judith had chased J.D. into the bathroom and was dunking his head in the toilet bowl. Wayne tased Judith in the behind, and Darren arrived at the house seconds after Wayne and J.D. made their getaway with unconscious Judith. Darren found the note in the bedroom that his buddies typed up and left for him but signed with Judith’s name to make Darren think Judith was breaking up with him and never wanted to see his face or fake butt again. Judith woke up in the garage of Wayne and J.D.’s house with her ankle chained and a camera on her.Wayne assigned J.D. to take care of Judith and bring her food wearing his mascot bird costume even though the police would able to identify him in it after they released Judith. Meanwhile, Wayne met with Sandy, who confirmed that she was single and she would be taking her final vows in a week to become a nun. Sandy explained that after high school, she joined her family in the circus and became a trapeze artist. She fell in love with her partner Luigi Panini, but he died when he put gel in his hair to impress the talent scouts and then his sticky hands slipped out of Sandy’s during the stunt. Sandy decided she would devote her life to serving God and people, and Wayne convinced Sandy to have lunch with Darren. Darren didn’t want to because he was engaged to Judith, but then he watched the news and discovered that Judith blew up in her car when it went off a cliff and exploded the previous night (Wayne and J.D. pushed it), and the same night Joan Snerd was dug up in a grave robbing (also Wayne and J.D.’s doing) and the police arrested three Cuban nationals. Wayne and J.D. then went to see Coach Norton, who was in prison for committing manslaughter against a referee. Wayne and J.D. then admitted their own crime. They asked Norton’s advice on what to do because Judith figured out who her kidnappers were so now they couldn’t release her or she would turn them in. Norton suggested they kill Judith, so they stormed into the garage holding a gun on Judith and lied about how they had killed people before. Judith was unconcerned and knew they wouldn’t kill her, and Wayne and J.D. goddamned it because they just couldn’t pull the trigger. As Darren was lighting candles in mourning for Judith, Wayne convinced him to go on the date with Sandy but Darren was still reluctant. Darren broke down in tears over Judith’s death, but he and Sandy bonded again when she sang a Neil Diamond song and they discovered that they both liked the singer. Sandy demonstrated how she was still strong and could pick Darren up over her head, and she accidentally threw him off the pier into the water below. He couldn’t swim, so Sandy jumped in to rescue him. When J.D. gave Judith some porno and monster videos, she told him that he had a self-defeating personality disorder and Wayne was trying to boss him around and make him feel inferior. Judith (ungodly person posing as a medical pro)convinced J.D. to have a therapy session with her, where she asked him if he had ever fantasized about having sex with any man. He asked if celebrities were included, and then Judith convinced J.D. that he was gay. As he sobbed because now he knew what was wrong with him and why he was different, Judith grabbed a vase and smashed it over J.D.’s head. Wayne chased Judith through the house, and she pushed both him and J.D. out an open window and he fell two stories below. Judith ran, and the kidnappers chased her through the neighborhood in their truck. Judith banged on Mr. Chang’s door and screamed that she was kidnapped, and he thought she was a prostitute and it was his lucky night. However, Mr. Chang didn’t get lucky with his dragon lady because he tripped down the stairs in his hurry to answer the door. Wayne and J.D. got out on foot, and Judith stole the Cowboy Wayne truck and went to the police station. Wayne shot her in the butt with a tranquilizer dart before she could get inside, and then he threw a blanket over Judith and told two police officers that he got one of the killer goats that escaped from the zoo and they believed him. Wayne and J.D. then chained Judith to a chair in the garage, and J.D. told Wayne that Judith listened to him and helped him realize he was gay. Wayne said that being gay was no big deal and now he would take care of Judith. J.D. suggested that Wayne be gay with him as if it was something to do to pass the time. Sandy told Mother Superior that she was having sexual feelings and was considering not becoming a nun, and Mother Superior told Sandy it was her choice to make but there was no going back after she took her final vows. Judith then tried to convince Wayne that he was gay too and was keeping her from Darren because Wayne was in love with Darren. Judith pointed out that Wayne hadn’t had sex with a woman in a long time, and when he argued that he was waiting for the right woman Judith told him that either he already met that women, or she killed herself or became a lesbian. Later on, as Wayne did naked yoga, Darren called him and wanted his help because Darren kept mentioning Judith during his dinner with Sandy at the club and it was upsetting her because she was told that Judith was dead. Wayne showed up to help his friend and put nipple clamps on Darren in the back of his truck so he could give Darren a shock every time he said Judith’s name. Wayne listened to the conversation from a nearby table that someone reserved before him. Sandy said that if she wasn’t going to become a nun, she wanted Darren to confirm that he wanted marriage and a family in a relationship with her. He agreed, and Sandy told Darren that she loved him. He replied that he loved Judith and Wayne gave him a shock, and then a security guard took Wayne outside and beat him up. With every punch, the guard hit the shocking devices in Wayne’s pockets, which then affected Darren. Darren’s shirt then started flaming and started a fire in the club, and outside Darren showed Sandy the nipple clamps and explained that Wayne was helping him with aversion therapy to get over Judith. Sandy thought that meant Darren wasn’t ready for a relationship with her and she sped off in her car. Darren ran 30 miles to the convent, where he asked for Sandy’s forgiveness and she forgave him easily. Darren told Sandy he loved her, and they kissed. Wayne got Judith a burger from Arby’s like she wanted. Wayne told Judith that Darren was a sensitive guy and didn’t seem like Judith’s type, and she admitted that she was engaged to an assertive man named Josh but she decided no more tough guys after Josh’s idea of fun, a kickboxing tournament in Thailand, resulted in his death. Judith added that it was sexy how Wayne had balls enough to kidnap her and that turned her on. Wayne then wiped sauce from the Arby’s burger he was feeding Judith (which she requested) off from between her breasts. She licked it off his finger, and then they made out passionately. Wayne kissed Judith’s breasts and then frantically unlocked the chain around one of Judith’s wrists so he could get at her. However, J.D. refused to answer the doorbell because he was eating so Wayne went to get it, and Judith got ahold of the chain keys from Wayne before he left. Coach Norton was at the door and told Wayne and J.D. that he got a retrial because he had a judge that was a sports fan so he was out of prison. He asked to stay at their house while he figured things out, and they agreed. Coach Norton went outside to take a crap on the lawn and use mail as toilet paper because Wayne and J.D. no longer used the toilet so they could cut down on the water bill (but really they were hiding Judith). Wayne reminded J.D. that Norton couldn’t stay with them because of Judith, and when Norton wanted confirmation that they killed Judith they said they ate her alive. Coach Norton told them that were the perfect crime, but then he turned the TV on and saw the garage camera that showed Judith getting away. Norton said they should chop Judith’s head off, but she beat Norton and Wayne up and escaped. Just as Sandy and Darren were making out on the couch with her in her bra, Judith appeared and saw them. Judith started fake sobbing and making up lies about how she was beaten, tortured and treated like a farm animal and the only thing that kept her alive was the thought that Darren still loved her and they would be together again but now she saw that wasn’t true. She told Sandy to run along back to the nunnery because Judith and Darren pledged their love to each other. Wayne and J.D. appeared, and Darren punched Wayne through the glass door and then onto the hood of Sandy’s car. J.D. told Darren they only did it because they loved Darren, so Darren threw J.D. into Sandy’s windshield. The police came and arrested Wayne and J.D., and Darren told them in jail that he and Judith were getting married the following day. Coach Norton got job teaching elementary-age boys and told them to “kill” during their football practice. The partners in crime called Coach Norton from jail and asked him to post bail for them at $10,000 each because jail life was terrible and the inmates were making the guys wear dresses and be their girlfriends. Instead of paying bail, Norton smashed through the wall of the jail cell with Wayne’s truck and they jumped in the back and sped off. They interrupted Sandy’s vow ceremony at the convent and told her that Darren loved her, so Mother Superior let Sandy go with the guys to crash the wedding. Mother Superior couldn’t believe they lost another one and a nun swore SOB. Sandy changed her clothes to some that J.D. got from his stripper/hooker sister. They then kidnapped Neil Diamond and convinced him to help them, and he agreed because he said that it was his chance to prove the words he wrote in all his love songs meant something and he would make sure this story had a happy ending. Coach Norton spotted a cop car behind them, and he said he would rather go down in gunfire than go back to jail so he jumped out of the truck with his gun. However, it wasn’t a police car and when Norton landed in front of the car it hit him. Neil’s “We’re Coming To America,” played because the wedding was on America Avenue, and when they arrived Neil sang and played the guitar. Darren joined in as Sandy came up the aisle singing too, and she and Darren embraced and kissed. Darren refused to say “I do,” so Judith had a breakdown and went after Wayne beating him up. Judith then decided that she liked Wayne, and they straddled each other on the ground making out wildly. J.D. appeared holding the bruised and battered Coach Norton, and J.D. said he wasn’t getting married because he was gay and Norton admitted that he was gay too. Darren and Sandy got married, Judith and Wayne got married, and the reverend pronounced J.D. and Coach Norton man and man and the two men kissed alongside the two straight couples. The movie cover art listed, MTV Radio, “Hilarious!”