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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/9/24

TITLE:  A.I. Artificial Intelligence 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001 Paramount Pictures / Dreamworks Pictures / Warner Bros. Pictures / Amblin Entertainment / Stanley Kubrick Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in a futuristic era with climate change, global warming and highly advanced robot technology. The Cybertronics Corporation in New Jersey, led by Professor Allen Hobby, created robots called Mechas…bots that couldn’t get pregnant, and were designed to replace humans and control human population. Mechas came in the forms of sexual lover robots and robots that served humans. Hobby demonstrated the Mecha’s abilities at a groupie meeting of the sci-fi minds using Sheila bot as an example. Hobby then announced that he wanted to create a robot child that would love its parents unconditionally. When asked if humans could love the child in return, Hobby’s reply was that God created Adam to love God (with that said, the Professor believed he too could be God and therefore,create robots that love as humans and program humans to love robots as if robots were humans, as humans love each other and their four-legged family members.). Twenty months later, Monica and Henry Swinton took their young son, Martin, to Dr. Frazier for medical treatment after five years of illness. Martin remained in a coma, but Monica couldn’t get over it and often read Robin Hood stories to Martin. Henry worked for Cybertronics and the senior staffers at the robotics corporation chose Henry and Monica out of dozens of waiting families to be their test project for a new human child robot. Henry brought home David, the first Mecha child whose appearance was modeled after that of Hobby’s son David who died. Henry explained to his wife that it was her decision if she wanted to keep David or send him back. Monica was extremely upset and didn’t want David to replace their human son but she agreed to think about it. It was explained that if they kept robot David, they would have to sign documents and say seven words to imprint David to them forever. He could never be resold because of the bonding love, and any Mecha child who was unwanted by its adoptive parents would have to be destroyed by Cybertronics and could never be adopted out again. David was left with Monica for a few days. Creepy robot David was like elf on the shelf and silently appeared in different places around Monica in her home.  David followed her around, stared at her, and even opened the door on her as she was on the toilet going to the bathroom. Monica put robot child David in the closet while she went about her housework and battled her GOD given human spiritual morals. David pretended to eat, drink and sleep like a human even though the robot couldn’t eat or drink without malfunctioning and neither did it sleep. Monica eventually decided to imprint on David, and immediately after, David called Monica his mommy. Oddly, Henry didn’t imprint so David called him by his name and not by daddy. Monica gave David a supertoy in the form of an advanced robotic talking teddy bear that used to belong to Martin. The teddy could interact with humans and hold conversations. Martin suddenly awoke from his coma, so Monica and Henry then brought Martin home in a wheelchair, and he was able to walk with the help of braces on his legs. Martin had a mean streak in him. Teddy didn’t want to have a competition between Martin and David’s attention, so Martin hated on Teddy. Martin’s wicked side surfaced at the dinner table when he made faces with his food at David to provoke the robot. David responded and decided to actually eat the food and that human food messed up David’s robotic inside system so he was taken to the science lab to be doctored and fixed. David acted like a human child and told Monica that it didn’t hurt when the doc operated, as David lay awake on the table. Once back home, Martin then convinced David that Monica would love the robot more if David cut off a lock of mom’s hair and wore it around. David snuck into Monica’s bedroom in the middle of the night and cut her hair, and she suddenly woke up and the strand dropped to the floor and was picked up by Teddy. David had accidentally cut Monica’s eye with the scissors, and Henry was angry with David and believed that he purposefully tried to hurt Monica and he had a capability to hate as well as love. At Martin’s birthday party, the other questionable gang of boys touched David’s humanlike skin to see how the robot felt. One boy tested to see if David could feel pain by pricking David with a cake slicer (held like a dagger) since the Mecha butler that served the boy’s family had a DAS system and pain was turned off. David felt the pain and was afraid, so he got behind his brother for protection and grabbed onto Martin and accidentally pulled him into the pool and locked him with his arms. Monica and the other adults mingling at the kid’s party didn’t see what the other boys were about and thought that David did it to drown Martin. The men jumped in and were able to rescue Martin. He started breathing again. Everybody left child robot David in the water at the bottom of the pool. Monica later found notes that David wrote about how much he loved Monica, but it seemed that some might not have been written by the David the robot. Teddy robot taught David robot how to write. Monica had planned to bring David back to Cybertronics the following day. But, as she got closer to the robotic facility Monica decided she didn’t want David destroyed and put in the junk pile so she left child David and Teddy robots alone in the woods together. David was hysterical and begged Monica not to leave him forever, but she did and warned David to associate only with other robot Mechas and stay away from humans who would destroy him. Meanwhile, Gigolo Joe robot was a lover-Mecha who had sex with women. He promised that they would never want a real man again since robot men were far superior lovers for humans as opposed to other humans. Joe had an appointment with Patricia again. Once he satisfied Patricia’s sexual needs, Joe went next to see Samantha Bevins at a dingy Shangri-la hotel. Gigolo Jane was just leaving the hotel and Gigolo Joe arrived. Mr. Williamson, the bellman gave Joe the key. However, inside the room, Samantha had suffered a bloody murder the human murderer was there and was Samantha’s former lover and set Joe up to take the fall. Joe left and went on the run in the woods. Meanwhile, David set out to find the Blue Fairy so she could turn him into a real boy like she did for Pinocchio and then David could go back to his mommy, Monica. A big truck arrived in the deep woods and dumped dismantled Mechas in a junk pile. The homeless robot Mechas that hid out from humans and knew the garbage schedule then took the parts to fix themselves. A group of ungodly human people from the Flesh Fair then hunted down the robot Mechas and sent goons on hellish dog-like (Cerberus) motorcycles to capture them. Gigolo Joe was a newer model, so he was singled out. David lost Teddy, and then David and the other Mechas were captured and put in cages at the Flesh Fair outside Haddonfield. The humans at the community fairgrounds believed that the world should be exclusively human with no robots, so they captured Mechas and shot them out of cannons and poured acid on them to destroy them and entertain the crowd. Teddy walked to the Fair and was put in lost and found, and then the very young daughter of one of the workers, all by herself walking the fairgrounds, found Teddy as Teddy looked for David. The girl believed that David was a real boy, so her dad checked David out on the VT1 and discovered that he was the most lifelike Mecha robot ever created. Lord Johnson-Johnson, the boss of the Fair, wanted to put child bot David in the show anyway and destroy him along with Joe. Johnson announced that David was a robot child built to replace God’s children. David soon screamed to the crowd not to burn him as though he if a human child, the audience sympathized with him. Lord Johnson-Johnson argued that David was built to have believable human emotions and asked anyone without Sim to cast the first stone. However, the crowd thought Lord Johnson--Johnson was a monster trying to kill a real boy so they threw things at him. The security took Lord Johnson-Johnson away, and bots Joe and David escaped. David was then afraid of the moon because it was the symbol of the Flesh Fair. David explained his quest to find the Blue Fairy, and Joe announced that they needed to travel toward the moon across the Delaware to Rouge City where all the women were so David could ask Dr. Know where the Blue Fairy was. Joe promised a car full of young teen boys that they would get prostitutes if they drove Joe and David to the Vegas-like city, so they did. Gigolo Joe often picked up female clients from outside the Our Lady of the Immaculate Heart prayer house. Joe and David went to Dr. Know, a computer-generated Einstein who could answer any question. David used the money that Monica had given him. To get the results they needed, the bots combined the categories of fact and fairy tale and learned that the Blue Fairy, actually Professor Allen Hobby, lived in Manhattan, New York at the end of the world and could make a Mecha into an Orga (a human). Joe was concerned about going to Manhattan because other Mechas had gone there and never returned. David was insistent that his mommy Monica loved him, but Joe explained that she didn’t and David was thrown away because the humans hated that the Mechas bots would be all that was left when the world ended. The police then arrested Joe, but robot David stole and flew a police helicopter out of the city and was able to pick up robot Joe, and robot teddy bear came along for the ride. Joe took control of the police aircraft and then flew the helicopter to Manhattan, which was partially underwater. Joe steered the aircraft to the middle of the skyscraper building and landed it inside the small opening of the Cybertronics building (9/11 planes going through twin towers except there was an opening in this building). Weeping statue lions surrounded the building. David got out of the stolen police vehicle to find Professor Hobby. David encountered another robot that was also David and was identical to him. David didn’t like that so David attacked the other robot with a lamp and knocked his head off. Professor Hobby then appeared and revealed that he used Dr. Know to intervene with the situation and make it so that David would come home to Cybertronics, where he belong as David robot was deemed a success story. Hobby explained that David was unique because bot David chased after a dream without being told or programmed to do it. David was the first (robot) of its kind and not one of a kind like he thought. Hobby planned to introduce David to the team of people who created him and those were robot David’s real moms and dads. While the mad professor was gone, David wandered off into a lab full of dozens of identical Davids with boxes for them and Arlene, a girl Mecha child. David sat on the ledge of the NY building, said mommy, and jumped off the Cybertronics building into the water below. A school of fish led him to the submerged Coney Island where he would find the Blue Fairy. Back up on the surface, another police helicopter appeared to take questionable Joe away. Before Gigolo Joe was sucked into the police aircraft in the sky, Joe turned the stolen police helicopter into a submarine and sent it underwater with bots David and Teddy inside. Underwater, David found the statue of the Blue Fairy in the Pinocchio section of the park, and then the huge Ferris wheel fell on top of the police submarine and caged it in. David asked for the Blue Fairy to turn him into a boy, and he stayed there for 2,000 years. 2000 years later there were no humans left on Earth, and the aliens, whose gender could only be distinguished by voice because the bodies looked the same, visited a Manhattan that was now covered in snow and ice. The aliens freed David from the spaceship and touched his forehead to revive him, and he touched the Blue Fairy and she fell to pieces. The aliens then took all of David’s memories and transmitted them to each other as one alien touched David and the other aliens touched one another to get the information. David found himself in a place that looked like Monica’s house but it wasn’t. An alien disguised as the Blue Fairy appeared. David’s wish was to be a human boy and be with mommy Monica again. The Blue Fairy explained that they couldn’t make David real and they would need Monica’s long-dead body dug up from the ice or a physical sample in order to bring her back to life. Teddy gave David the lock of hair that he cut from Monica, and the male alien in charge gave the go-ahead for David’s wish to be granted. The male alien then explained that the aliens started a project to recreate the bodies of people who had been dead for centuries and reconstruct their memories using their DNA. However, the people only lived one day and the same would be true for Monica, but David wanted to see her anyway. It was the happiest day of robot David’s life to spend it with his mommy Monica and no Henry, no Martin or no grief. At the end of the day, Monica went to sleep and died all over again so robot David went to sleep next to her dead body and was able to dream. This movie had a budget of $90-100 million budget and grossed over $235 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Lisa Schwarzbaum, Entertainment Weekly, “Steven Spielberg’s A.I. is extraordinary.” Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune “A.I. is pure magic.” Rolling Stone, “Unmistakably the work of a real filmmaker.” Roger Ebert, Ebert & Roeper, “filled with visual wonders and astonishing special effects.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/8/24

TITLE:  News of the World 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2020  Universal Pictures / Playtone/Pretty Pictures / Perfect World Pictures / Netflix 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place at the end of the Civil War in Texas in 1870. Years earlier, Captain Jefferson Kyle Kidd had left his wife and print shop behind in San Antonio to serve in the Civil War, where Kidd suffered injuries and had nasty scars as a result. Now that the war was over, Captain Kidd traveled from town to town and made money by reading worldly newspapers to the locals about meningitis epidemics and other events. Kidd left Wichita Falls and came across a wagon wreck in the wilderness. He found a black man hanging dead from a tree nearby with a sign stating that Texas wanted a white country. In the woods closeby, a 10-year-old girl blonde hair and blue-eyed dressed in animal skins, like a Kiowa Native American, ran from Kidd. Captain chased after the scared child of GOD because he knew she needed help. Kidd found the girl’s Indian Agency papers, which stated that her name was Johanna Leonberger. As it turned out, the little girl was the was the daughter of Turning Water and Three Spotted, a Kiowa couple who had raised her for the last six years after her German parents and baby sister were killed in a raid war party. The lone black man evidently had been taking Johanna to the authorities so she could be sent to live with her Uncle Wilhelm (Wolf) and Aunt Anna in Castroville who Johanna had no memory of ever meeting in her young life. A group of military soldiers then appeared on the roadway and told Kidd to take Johanna to the Red River post. But before he left, Kidd buried the black man. Captain Kidd and Johanna couldn’t communicate well because he didn’t speak Kiowa and she didn’t know English. Kidd set off on horseback and Johanna on foot, and the Soldier at the Red River base informed Kidd that the Indian agent assigned to Johanna was on the reservation and wouldn’t be back for three months. Kidd was told to take Johanna to Castroville himself, but he planned to leave the girl with Simon Boudlin and his wife Doris in town, until the assigned agent returned. The Boudlins were skeptical about taking Johanna in because she was a wild child who ate with her fingers. Kidd left to do his job and read to the Red River townsfolk the local and federal news, and they were glad that the railroad was extending to Galveston but were angry that Grant would make them accept the 13th (abolish slavery), 14th (citizenship to all people born in USA), and 15th(black Americans right to vote) Amendments before they could rejoin the Union. Johanna ran off from the Boudlins, so Kidd and the Boudlins searched for her in the downpour rain. Kidd found Johanna trying to flag down a group of Native Americans and convince them to take her with them. Kidd brought Johanna in out of the rain, and Simon believed that Johanna was cursed. Kidd decided not to leave the young female with the Boudlins and the Boudlins were very much happy about that. Captain Kidd began his journey with Johanna on a 400-mile, weeks-long wagon trip through Dallas and the Hill Country to Castroville. Simon secretly kept a gun from the war with real bullets (not birdshot) and gave it to Kidd.  Johanna screamed bloody murder and fought when Doris tried to put decent dress on her. Johanna was not happy when she wasn’t able to put her Kiowa clothes back on. Kidd and Johanna set off and rented a couple of rooms from Mrs. Gannett in Dallas. Mrs. Gannett spoke Kiowa and learned that Johanna’s name was Cicada. Her Kiowa family was dead and her home was gone when the soldiers burned it, so Johanna was an orphan two times over since her birth parents died too. Mrs. Gannett pointed out the obvious that Johanna didn’t have a clue about the stranger aunt and uncle she was being forced to go live with and the child didn’t consider them family to her. Mrs. Gannett’s husband ran off to California and never came back, so Kidd and Mrs. Gannett slept in the same room and bed together. Kidd planned to leave on a ship out of Galveston after he dropped Johanna off. Mrs. Gannett told Kidd that the road to Castroville was dangerous and he should visit his wife, because he had not been back there in five years. Kidd read the news to the Dallas townsfolk. Afterward, creepy man Almay and two other men who fought in Virginia were eyeing Johanna sexually. Almay offered $100 to buy Johanna for sex since the men figured that Kidd already sexually abused little Johanna in the desert and the natives already had their way with the female. The soldiers intervened, and Almay lied about Kidd but the soldiers sent Kidd and Johanna on their way and held up Almay and his shady gang. They drove the horses hard but soon the trio of dangerous men followed them. Captain Kidd had trouble pulling the wagon up a mountain so he and Johanna were forced to run on foot as the men hunted them. They shot at Kidd and he shot back and hit one. He told Johanna to run away. However, Johanna had an idea to use the coins to fill the casing so she went back to the wagon and took the coins and gave them to Kidd to use as bullets since he was almost out of the bullets from Simon’s military gun. Captain Kidd shot Almay’s second accomplice and then finally Almay, and Kidd and Johanna retrieved the horses. Johanna sang that their enemies were dead and the Captain Kidd was a real warrior. Kidd and Johanna taught each other words in their languages, and he realized that Johanna had demons from her past when she spoke suddenly in German. They were then held up on the Texas road by a group of armed men led by Mr. Farley, who wouldn’t let them pass. The men had been scalping Indians and killing Mexicans, and they took Kidd and Johanna into Erath County so Kidd could read only the Erath County news to the people. John Calley, a special needs adult, told Kidd that Mr. Farley shot John’s brother Tommy dead because he asked too many questions and couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Mr. Farley only wanted Kidd to read the news from within the county, but instead Kidd read a story from the outside to tell the people to fight back against the tyrant Farley who they were slaving for and slaughtering buffalo to trade. Farley sent his goons to stop Kidd from causing a riot, but the people in the crowd started protesting and used violence to fight back against the tyrant Farley. Kidd and Johanna ran off to leave during the town uproar distraction, but Farley caught up with them and held a gun on them. Farley and his goon beat Captain Kidd up, so Johanna shot Farley. John came on scene and then shot the man who tried to shoot Johanna, and then John finished Farley off by shooting him dead. Kidd, Johanna and John set off with their horses and wagon. Kidd then told John to go make something of himself and walk the rest of the way in a different direction to the railroad. John gave Kidd his gun to protect Johanna, and Kidd gave John a newspaper from his collection. Kidd and Johanna traveled though Kiowa land, and Johanna led Kidd to the abandoned primitive cabin that she used to live in. She retrieved her cornhusk doll and they left after Kidd confirmed in German that Johanna’s Kiowa parents were dead. Kidd told Johanna that remembering the past with all the pain and killing wasn’t good for her and she needed to move forward into a peaceful future and concentrate on the present. Down a steep slope, the horse and wagon were out of control and couldn’t stop so Captain Kidd and Johanna jumped to safety as the wagon and the horse pulling the wagon along with the horse tied to the back of the wagon tumbled over the side of the large hill. Both horses were severely injured and neighed their pain, so Kidd shot them dead. Captain Kidd and Johanna walked through the desert, and she was dehydrated and weak so Kidd carried her after they ran out of water. They thought they heard horses, but it was a dust storm and the two got separated. When the massive storm of dust cleared up, the Kiowa appeared and Johanna was able to communicate that they needed a horse so the Kiowa gave her and Captain a horse. She and Kidd rode double to Castroville, and Kidd taught Johanna some English along the way and she taught him Kiowa. Wilhelm and Anna were unfriendly and didn’t care much for uncivilized Johanna and instead wanted an instant proper child who could slave work. They explained in front of Johanna that that Wolf wouldn’t listen and stay in the village, and instead he took his family out into the country to live. Johanna’s mom’s throat was slit and her baby sister’s brains were bashed out.  Captain Kidd wanted Johanna to forget all of it and remember new good things and told the aunt and uncle that it best for the young child. Wilhelm and Anna were worried about what the Indians taught Johanna, but they hoped to eventually see her as a blessing. Kidd didn’t want their money for bringing Johanna to them and suggested that they buy books for Johanna but they didn’t believe there was time for reading because Johanna was expected to work. Johanna didn’t want to be there and was unhappy, but Kidd left her there with relatives who clearly didn’t want the child anyway. Captain missed Johanna but went to San Antonio to visit his wife and home. Captain let himself into his house with a key and then went to see his old friend Mr. Branholme. Kidd already knew that his wife Maria Luisa Betancourt Kidd was dead when he got the letter during the war, and Branholme confirmed that Maria died of cholera and she was buried in the church garden. Kidd felt that Maria’s death happened because of what he did in the hellish war and all the men that were killed and God was not on his side. Captain went to visit Maria’s grave to say his goodbyes, and he left his wedding ring there. Kidd then galloped back to Castroville, where he discovered upon arrival that aunt and uncle had tied Johanna up outside using an ankle rope because she kept running away. Kidd left with Johanna, and Wilhelm and Anna were happy to see the burden child leave since they never wanted her anyway and didn’t really care for the dead sister, brother-in-law, and baby either. Kidd and Johanna continued traveling together and reading the news as employment, with Johanna doing the story theatrics using props. Captain Kidd introduced her as his daughter Johanna Kidd. The latest story was about a Louisiana man who died and rose from the grave because he wasn’t really dead but pronounced so and was buried accidentally and blamed his wife for allowing it to happen, and it would not have been known had a bride at her wedding ceremony not heard the pounding inside the coffin in the church graveyard. This movie was released on Christmas Day and had a budget of $38 million and grossed over $12 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Pete Hammond, Deadline, “A towering piece of moviemaking.” Michael O’Sullivan, The Washington Post, “Extraordinarily moving.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/7/24

TITLE:  Robin Hood: Men In Tights 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1993  20th Century Fox / Brooksfilms / Gaumont / Buena Vista International

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON:  This movie takes place in medieval times and had the townsfolk upset with Mel Brooks for always burning down their houses. The movie began with the famous English thief Robin Hood of Loxley being captured by the Muslim Arab Saracen guards. He was put in the Khalil Prison in Jerusalem led by Falafel, the dungeon maître d’. Robin had been in Jerusalem participating in the Crusades with King Richard of England while Richard’s imposter brother Prince John took over Richard’s throne and ruled England unfairly. Robin refused to say where Richard was, so Robin’s tongue was loosened as torture. Robin and his cellmate, Asneeze, escaped from their chains and freed the other prisoners. Robin planned to swim from Africa back to England, and Asneeze asked Robin to take care of his son Ahchoo who was an exchange student in Sherwood Forest in England. A group of white guards working for the Sheriff of Rottingham beat up black Ahchoo, and Ahchoo hoped it was all captured on video (white kings men beating up black man). Robin and Ahchoo teamed up and fought the guards off and sent them running scared. Robin then discovered that his family couldn’t pay Prince John’s unfair taxes so their home, Loxley Hall, was taken away on wheels. All that was left was Blinkin, the family’s blind servant who felt up the naked female cutout in the Playboy magazineas he went to the bathroom in the open. Blinkin explained that while Robin was away, his dad died, his mom died of pneumonia, his brothers died from the plague and his pets were all dead. Blinkin gave Robin a locket that Robin’s dad wanted him to have, and it contained a key. A young boy then asked Robin for help to escape the Sheriff of Rottingham, who planned to put the boy to death for poaching a deer on Prince John’s land. Robin told Rottingham off and then cut his saddle so he was dragged underneath his horse on his way out. Rottingham reported to Prince John that Robin was back, so John went to get information about Robin from Latrine the cook. Latrine was actually a witch and she brewed a potion using the testicles of a newt, which made it transsexual. Latrine promised to make a potion to stop Robin from rallying the English against John and dethroning himif John hooked Latrine up with the sheriff of Rottingham, the cop she wanted to date. Robin, Ahchoo and Blinkin encountered Little John, who demanded a toll to cross his bridge. Robin refused to pay the toll, so he and Little John battled it out with sticks. Little John was knocked into the shallow stream and thought he was drowning, but then he was in Robin’s debt when he rescued Little John. Robin attended Prince John’s party that night and threatened to have the people rise up against John if he didn’t stop imposing unfair taxes on everyone and taking their belongings to make them poor. That led to a swordfight between Robin and his friends and Rottingham and his guards. Robin fell in love at first sight with Maid Marian, who maintained her virginity with a chastity belt and waited for the day when the man with the key would come to unlock it. Robin and his accomplices escaped the fight, and they recruited men to join the group of Merry Men and fight Prince John. The Merry men were outfitted in tights, but they couldn’t fight to save their lives and failed training. They encountered Rabbi Tuckman, who delivered sacramental wine and performed circumcision which he demonstrated using a carrot and a mini Guillotine. The Rabbi agreed to drink the wine with Robin and the Merry Men. Sheriff Rottingham met with Don Giovanni and his henchmen Filthy Luca Pazzo and Dirty Ezio, whose tongue was cut out by an enemy. Giovanni’s plan was to lure Robin to the spring fair by organizing an archery contest. Luca was an even better archer than Robin and would beat him, and then Ezio would shoot Robin dead with a crossbow. Marian overheard the plan and was upset, so she and her servant Broomhilde went off on their horses to warn Robin to stay away from the contest. However, Robin refused because he was set on beating Luca. Marian told Robin about her chastity belt and the key, and guardian Broomhilde wouldn’t let the two kiss each other until they got married. Little John, Ahchoo, Will and Blinkin wore women’s dresses to the spring fair, and Robin disguised himself as an old man. Robin revealed his true identity and was cheered on by the crowd after he made a bulls-eye, but then everyone applauded Luca after he split Robin’s arrow. Ezio tried to shoot Robin dead, but before he could Blinkin grabbed the arrow out of midair and saved Robin. Robin got another shot with a patriot arrow, and Luca kicked Robin so his arrow went off-target. It magically came back around and hit the bulls-eye. Sheriff Rottingham arrested Robin on the spot and planned to have him hung, but Marian offered Sheriff Rottingham her hand in marriage and her body (but never her soul, willingness, or mind) in exchange for Robin’s freedom. The foursome of drag queens sent a message to the other villagers using a fox. The lead monastery Abbot held the marriage ceremony in the New Latinstarting with “iveus-gay.” The crowd laughed when they discovered that Sheriff Rottingham’s real name was Mervyn. A man outfitted Robin with a noose and kissed him in case Marian changed her mind about the wedding. Marian took back her I do as soon as the village people arrived.  Ahchoo shot an arrow to cut the noose rope and free Robin. The Merry Men and the villagers fought the guards. Sheriff Rottingham took Marian to the tower bed. He tried to rape her but couldn’t because of her belt, so he attacked the vaginal contraption with a jackhammer. Robin came to the rescue, and he and Sheriff Rottingham fought with swords. Robin dropped his locket, and when it broke open the key to unlock Marian’s chastity belt was revealed. Sheriff Rottingham then ran into Robin’s sword and was run through and dying. Latrine promised to give Sheriff Rottingham a pill to save his life if he married her. He reluctantly agreed and took the pill, and Latrine pulled the sword out of him and dragged him off to her lair, because the witch always wanted to hook up with a cop. Broomhilde insisted that Robin and Marian get married before the belt was removed, so they asked the rabbi to marry them quickly. King Richard returned from the Crusades and took the crown from his pretender brother. Richard announced that all the toilets in England be called johns from then on, and little brother John was taken way to the Tower of London. King Richard then announced that Robin’s family’s land would be returned to him and he would rule Sherwood. Robin appointed Ahchoo as the new sheriff, and the people were skeptical about a black sheriff. King Richard knighted Robin and then objected to the marriage so he could carry out tradition and have a long French kiss with Marian before the groom could. Immediately after, Robin and Marian were and married and they kissed, and rode off on horseback. This movie had a budget of $20 million and grossed $72 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/6/24

TITLE:  High School Musical 

BOX OFFICE RATED: TV-G (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006  Walt Disney Home Entertainment / A Disney Channel Original Movie / Disney Channel Network / Salty Pictures / First Street Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began at a New Year’s Eve party where parents socialized while their teens partied in a separate area. Math whiz Gabriella Montez from San Diego, and Troy Bolton, the captain of the Wildcats Basketball team at East High School in Albuquerque, New Mexico, met at the teen party when an adult picked the two teens out of the crowd to sing karaoke. Gabriella and Troy exchanged cell phone numbers and took each other’s photo with their cell phones too as they shared an intimate moment during the New Year countdown.  After the school break was over, the two teens ran into each other a week later at East High in New Mexico. It was Gabriella’s first day there after her single mom, Lisa, was transferred there from California to Albuquerque, NM and had a very nice house too. Lisa told her daughter that she arranged with her work that she would stay in New Mexico until Gabriella graduated high school and her work would not transfer again until after that time. Miss Darbus, the drama club teacher, confiscated the students’ cell phones in her class because she had zero cell phone tolerance and gave the guilty students detention and made them work on the props for Twinkle Town, the upcoming school winter musicale. Popular mean girl Sharpay Evans and her brother, Ryan, planned to audition for the drama show. The sibling duo looked Gabriella up on the Internet and discovered that she was in an academic club and was smart enough to correct teachers. Troy’s dad, Jack, was the full-time school PE employee and coach of the Wildcats basketball team and he was intensely focused on the upcoming championship game against the West High Knights, who had always won against the cats. There would be college scouts and Jack hoped that Troy would get a basketball scholarship. Jack was angry that Troy and Chad were in detention during practice for the drama class incident, so Jack and class act Miss Darbus complained to Principal Dave Matsui and the school principal decided in jock Jack’s favor. The public school students auditioned for the in school drama play, and Sharpay and Ryan were the favorites to play the lead roles of Minnie and Arnold. The sister and brother team chose a song by Kelsi Nielsen, a pianist and composer, and Sharpay told Kelsi off when she protested against them doing the song at a faster beat than Kelsi had written it to be. Troy and Gabriella wanted to audition after it was over, but Miss Darbus refused to let them. However, when the two teens hung out with Kelsi at the piano the drama teacher overheard Troy and Gabriella singing the song slower as Kelsi composed it, so Mrs. Darbus gave them a callback. After Troy announced that he wanted to sing, other students confessed their secret passions and their classmates told them musically to forget about it and stick to the status quo. Sharpay was irate when she found out about the callback, and she complained to Miss Darbus that Gabriella purposefully spilled food on Sharpay’s clothes to ruin the musical even though Gabriella slipped and it was an accident. Miss Darbus scolded Jack for letting his son make a mockery of the theater. Troy invited Gabriella to the school garden area and explained that he wanted to be more than the basketball star that everyone expected him to be. Gabriella agreed that they needed to be themselves. Sharpay and Ryan spied on Troy and Gabriella at school as the duo practiced the song that Kelsi wrote for them. Jack kicked Gabriella out of the gym when she went to see Troy and the coach would not shake Gabriella’s hand after she introduced herself to the coach (Troy’s dad). After Gabriella left the gym, Jack scolded Troy for missing practice and not having his head in the game. Troy’s best friend, Chad Danforth, and the other basketball team members agreed and told Troy that he should forget about the singing and drama because his distraction was affecting the team’s game. The team then came up with a plan and involved Taylor McHessey and the rest of the academic club. Taylor and co. told Gabriella that athletes like Troy didn’t contribute to society, but people like Goodall, Oprah, Eleanor Roosevelt and others did and Gabriella should be on their team. Meanwhile, the high school basketball team players named off legendary Wildcat team leaders, including Jack, who only won because they were focused and had their eye on the prize. That made Troy say that Gabriella and the audition weren’t important to him and he was only concerned about winning the game. The basketball team recorded the forced confession from Troy and conniving Taylor played it for Gabriella to see and hear. Gabriella was upset and broke out in song, and then she decided to join the scholastic decathlon. Gabriella later told Troy that she wasn’t doing the drama callbacks, and Troy didn’t understand and was off his game, which coach Jack noticed. Gabriella avoided Troy at school and refused to talk to him, so the players told Troy what evil they did. Taylor and the others told Gabriella too that it was all part of their devious scheme, but she didn’t believe them. Troy went to Gabriella’s house to talk to her, but her mom answered the door and made an excuse for her daughter. Troy said bye to Gabriella’s mom, but outside the house he used his cell phone to call Gabriella and told her that he didn’t mean what he said. Troy climbed the tree to Gabriella’s huge bedroom with her own balcony, and the two made amends. Later on at school, the two went to singing practice together. Sharpay was jealous of the competition, so she and her brother Ryan plotted to sabotage Gabriella and Troy’s chances of going to the callbacks by making them happen on the same day as the decathlon and championship. Miss Darbus agreed to change the date, and Troy and Gabriella came up with a plan to make the audition during the basketball game, after they found out about the schedule change. Jack had a change of heart and told his son Troy that it was okay whether he won or lost the game as long as he had fun. Sharpay and Ryan auditioned and danced more like a couple than brother and sister. The math team won the decathlon, and then Taylor and Gabriella temporarily suspended the basketball game by sending a signal to the scoreboard to make it malfunction. The girls set off stinky potions in the school’s lab so everyone left the decathlon, and then Troy and Gabriella rushed to the theater. Miss Darbus wasn’t going to let them perform because they were late, but she changed her mind when the many students and the basketball team attended the callback. Gabriella had stage fright, but Troy helped her and Kelsi played the piano as the duo sang, “Breaking Free,” about “more than hope, more than faith, this is true, this is fate.” The crowd loved it, and the Wildcats went back to play the delayed game. The East High basketball team won. Chad asked Taylor out to the after-party and Gabriella and Troy got the part in the musical. Everyone celebrated in the gym with singing and dancing about all in it together. Sharpay loved the cookies made for her by Zeke Balor, who liked Sharpay even though she always blew him off.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/3/24

TITLE:  The Internship 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2013  20th Century Fox / Regency Enterprises / Wild West Picture Show / 21 Laps Entertainment / TSG Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with salesmen and best friends, Billy McMahon and Nick Campbell. They tried to sell watches to Bob Williams and to prepare themselves for the big sale they blasted and sang along to Alanis Morissette in their car. However, at the meeting, Bob revealed that Billy and Nick’s company was closed down. The surprised employees went back to the office and their boss, Sammy Boscoe, did that and announced that he closed down the company because everything was computerized and there was no need for salesmen in person to sell things. Sammy planned on retiring to Florida with his wife. Billy then went to his visit his single mom sister, Jeanie, and her son, Tate, at Tate’s Little League baseball game. Jeanie wanted her brother to take a job from her mattress store boyfriend, Kevin with a neck tattoo, now that Nick and Billy were laid off from their jobs.  Billy went home and told his girlfriend, Megan, the news and she was upset and dumped him because they got a foreclosure notice. Billy then searched for a job with virtually no skills other than salesman on his home computer using Google and basically found no real results. Billy then had an idea and Googled jobs at Google and then found something and was excited about the many unusual, laid back and free things that Google offered to Google full time employees. Nick eventually took the job at the mattress place, and Billy soon arrived and told his buddy that he got them interviews for internships at Google in California because it was the best place in America to work and the global corporate giant had volleyball and massages, food and drink, and the internships could eventually lead to full-time jobs with high pay. An irate older female customer who Nick ignored inside the mattress store then spoke to Kevin, who currently had his hands all over a younger female customer on top of a mattress set up in the store.  Nick quit his job on the spot and agreed to have the Google interview at the library using the library computer. The two men paid off a small girl who wanted to use the computer because the men had a fifteen- minute limit and their time was up. College was required to be part of the internship so Billy had already enrolled the two of them in online courses at the University of Phoenix, without Nick knowing. They had a bizarre online interview video chat with two Google employees, Benjamin and Allison. Later on, the Google team of recruiters reviewed Billy and Nick’s info and didn’t want to hire Billy and Nick but young wizkid employee Lyle Spaulding spoke up and thought they should have diversity in the workforce. Billy and Nick got selected as Google interns. Since the food and drinks were free, Billy went overordered. Nick met Google employee Australian Dana Simms who informed him that the spaceship inside the building won an X prize. A female intern named Neha Patel spotted older Billy and Nick and she thought they were same-sex partners and she wished her parents were gay. Another Google intern, Australian Graham Hawtrey thought the two older men were important Google officials but he blew them off when he discovered Billy and Nate weren’t so Billy and Nick called the Aussie Hitler for being a worm. Roger Chetty, the head of the Google Intern Program, explained that everyone would be divided into many teams and only one team would get jobs at the end of the summer and the 95% of the other interns would not get employment at Google. Nick and Billy were the only interns to fail the three questions by saying yes when they should have said no (Google’s policy was no to taking food home from the office, no to dating employees, and no to having a beer with a boss). Billy and Nick later on lay in the same bed together and discussed their day (gay men) but then Billy decided to get up and sleep elsewhere. The many dozens of Google interns were called Nooglers. The interns were told to break up into teams so Graham picked out well-known university students for his team. Lyle, who voted for Billy and Nicky to join the internship was assigned to mentor them and all the other oddball out Nooglers who didn’t get picked for teams. The leftovers were Yo-Yo Santos, Stuart and Neha Patel. Yo-Yo was homeschooled and breastfed until he was seven because it was believed it caused a higher I.Q. per Google search on the phone when another intern checked it out and the AMA. Neha thought Billy and Nick could be Luke and Han and she would be Leia in costume play and they would get together and have a possible threesome. Lyle, in class, Googled on his company’s intranet, his co-worker crush, Marielena Gutierrez, also a dance teacher sexy dancing in a video, since Google gave access to all their employee’s private information and calendar to figure out where they would be during work time. As it turned out, Dana wasn’t interested in Nick so she pawned him off on Sid after she called Nick out on stalking her using her work calendar to find out where she would be. The intern teams were given a time limit to decode a computer bug. Because they had no coding background, Billy and Nick distracted their teammates so they sent Billy and Nick on a wild goose chase to get rid of them and find the programmer Professor Charles Xavier in a wheelchair with a British accent. Professor X didn’t know what the interns were about so he punched Billy in the face and Nick in the private parts outside the Google building on work property. Team Lyle then wouldn’t let Billy and Nick sit with them for lunch so they sat with Andrew Anderson “Headphones guy, who ignored them for the most part.” Graham showed up and then bragged about his team winning the challenge and the mean-spirited intern talked crap about Andrew, Billy and Nate. They then competed in a queer hunger game ball game where every member had to ride a broom. Graham’s team was blue and Lyle’s was red and the blue creamed the blue and defeated them. The red team made a comeback in the second half after Billy and Nicky gave their team a Flashdance pep talk, telling everyone to be that girl. They used dirty tactics to improve their score such as blinding an opponent with a mirror. The game was interrupted when the Golden Snitch appeared on the playing field and danced, Graham hurt the useless overweight player on his team, Zach, so he could be replaced by another player and they could beat the tie that they had with Lyle’s team. Graham grabbed the tail piece dangling between the male Golden Snitch’s legs, when the others could not, so Graham’s team won that challenge. Nick asked Dana out on a date because she was always a workaholic. The interns next assignment was to invent an app and the team that had the most downloads for their app would win., Billy wanted to create an app like Instagram which was bought by Facebook for a billion dollars and he wanted to name it Exchangeagram. Graham’s team was way ahead of the game and had already created an app called Grahamaphone. The 21-year-olds were upset because they couldn’t get jobs coming out of college and no longer had the American Dream like Nick and Billy’s generation, so the young adults didn’t want Billy and Nick to waste their time and blow the young people’s chances to get Google jobs with their silly ideas. For team spirit, Billy and Nick decided to take their team off Google site to a Chinese restaurant on the Google bus and from there they went to a dance club recommended by the Asian restaurant employees, which turned out to be an adult strip club. Neha was hesitant because she confessed in a way that she was a virgin and only read about that kind of stuff but never participated but they talked her into staying and drinking and they talked hesitant Yo-Yo into taking a hard liquor shot with them even though his homeschool-mom would not approve. Billy and Nick bought Stuart and Yo-Yo stripper lap dances, and Yo-Yo had to go to the bathroom to dry himself off after each dance because he wet his pants. One of the strippers working at the club turned out to be Google employee, Marielena, who Lyle had a crush on. Billy talked Lyle into talking to his Google co-worker love interest and buying her a drink. Drunken Neha ended up  joining the stripper pole-dancers. One random guy wanted to hang out with Marielena and talk to her but she didn’t want to so he called her a bit**. Him and his buddies and the Google team then had a fist fight in the bar, so they got kicked out. Around the Golden Gate Bridge, watching the sunrise, Lyle planned to text Marielena a picture of his private parts, but before he did the team decided they should invent an app which would give people quizzes before they did something dumb when they were drugged or drunk, and if he or she couldn’t answer the question then he or she wouldn’t be allowed to do the thing the crazy under the influence thing thought about while in that state of mind. Roger later informed Lyle’s team that they won their first challenge and their app had ten times more downloads than any other app. Lyle’s team then started winning more challenges, and they played sports like vollyball and Nick started to pay attention in classes and caught onto the techie language quicker than Billy. Sammy out of the blue then called Billy and Nick and told them that he had a job for them selling motorized scooters to elderly in elderly homes but the Google interns refused because they wanted to keep their internships and hung up the phone on Sammy. Dana agreed to go on a date with Nick that night.  Graham did some Google research on Billy and tried to get into his head by telling him that he always failed after losing his home and job. The next project was managing the Google Helpline and they all had to study because there was no way around it. Lyle was in it to win it with his NASA shirt. On their date night, Nick was being nice even though he told Dana that he would make it her worse date ever so then he decided to be a jerk and deliver on ten years of a-holes that she expected. Nick then hit on the waitress, ate Dana’s dessert so she wouldn’t get fat and stuck her with the bill. Billy was still at Google corporate and took a test and answered it wrong and Headphones scared Billy but then offered to help him and the two of them hit it off. Nick declared to Dana that Google ruined his life because he used to lie to women and it messed with his dating game when they fact-checked him on Google. Dana then sent the cab driver off and took Nick to her place to have sex and stay the night. The next challenge was to man the Google Helpline phones for an hour. Billy didn’t log in per Roger’s instructions at the beginning, so he couldn’t submit his notes so it was if he was never there. Lyle’s entire team then lost that challenge because all team members had to complete and then submit their log notes after the hour was up, which Billy could not do since the submit button was not available on his computer as he didn’t log in (perhaps a Google computer glitch or another intern sabotage as Graham was close by). Lyle’s team members were upset and Billy stormed off and quit the internship, even though Nick tried to stop him. Billy decided to be Randy’s partner selling the electric scooters to old folks, and they went to the Modesto Colony retirement. Randy advised Billy to treat the elderly people like crap because they would buy the scooter and then die and they would get new business after since more elders would move into the facility. The final challenge was to convince a company to advertise with Google and make sales. Nick showed up at the Colony place and gave Billy a pep talk. The other young adults on the team tried to make a deal with Rocky Mountain Pizza, but they weren’t interested in doing online things because they were a small business who were getting by and happy to serve their community. Yo-Yo pulled hairs out of his eyebrows when things didn’t work out right, and then Billy and Nick appeared and fixed Yo-Yo’s eyebrow. Nick and Billy went back inside with their team and told the restaurant owner, Sal, and his son that all the things he was missing out on by not being on the Internet and they tried to convince Sal to listen to his son and franchise another location. Before the intern team who won jobs at Google was announced by Roger, Lyle’s team appeared with free pizza and had hacked into the screen and had their faces in afros dancing to Flashdance. Billy handed Roger a signed contract from Rocky Mountain Pizza. Roger announced that the sale to one pizza shop wasn’t enough for them to win but the contract included franchise stores so sales possibilities of multiple locations were greatest. Graham protested and wanted Roger’s boss, and Headphones got up from the audience and he turned out to be the head of Google’s Search. He wore the headphones as a prop and pretended he couldn’t hear people in order to listen to the conversations around him. He was Andrew Anderson and he told Graham off that he would never work at Google and his Aussie accent was fake. Zach then punched Graham as payback from his abuse during the intern gaming while they were teammembers. It was then revealed that Roger had the deciding vote to allow Billy and Nick to be Google interns in the first place, since Roger worked his way up in the company from the bottom. In the end, Billy chased after Roger Chetty as he exited the Google building so the two could have some beers while Nick and Dana kissed inside the Google headquarter building. The university kids went back to college to finish their senior year before their full-time employment at Google began. Lyle hooked up with Marielena and Neha hooked up with Stuart. This movie had a budget of $58 million and grossed over $93 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/2/24

TITLE:  Henchmen 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 Vertical Entertainment / Entertainment One / Telefilm Canada / Bron Animation / Creative Wealth Media

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This Canadian cartoon movie began with the supervillain Baron Blackout planning to use his warship to blow up a rainbow elementary school bus with children onboard and the nearby cows in a field. Lester Fauntleroy Lederhosen was one of those rainbow bus kids, and a die-hard comic book fan who wished that the villains were the winners. Inside the spaceship hovering in the sky was Baron Blackout the supervillain responsible for almost blowing up the children on the school bus and did harm the cows. The Friendly Force Five, a group of superheroes from Apex City, then appeared to confront Baron. Baron retreated, and his crew of henchmen confronted Hank Corrigan, a traitor per Baron who sabotaged the mission to blow up the school bus. The FFF group actually had six members to include Jackalope because he was Captain Superior’s half-brother and their mom insisted that Jackalope join the gang. Hank tried to quit the Union of Evil Henchmen, but instead he was turned into a janitor at the Bozzuto, the Gluttonator’s lair. The Union was located in Supervillain City and was dedicated to training people to be henchmen for select supervillains in hopes of one day becoming villains themselves. 10 years later, it was Lester’s 16th birthday and he became of ageand he left the orphanage to become a villain called The Orphan at the Union. He and the other trainees were taken to the Bozzuto, where the Gluttonator planned to fire bombs and missiles at all the cities to drown them in molten, radioactive cheese. Hank warned Lester to leave, got back to the non-villain city, get a job and get married and have a kid of his own and not try to become a villain. However, orphan Lester planned the majority of his childhood, the past ten years to be a villain. But then the FFF attacked and shut down the cheese operation. Lester tried to help but didn’t do much good, so Hank had to answer to Waxman, the Union Boss. The Union Boss assigned Hank to mentor Lester as his apprentice, so Hank took Lester to Supervillain City, where the one rule was to have no crime in the city (just commit crimes in other places outside the city). They went to clean the History Museum, and Lester was excited to see the Time Bandit who got trapped inside a tomb when he was defeated by the superheroes. The What-if-ium was also inside the tomb, and it could grant any wish or dream when broken open. Meanwhile, Baron was back after a ten-year absence and was now set on world domination. He got rid of his troublesome mask and tested the loyalty of his henchmen, and he got a kick out of using his blackout ray to turn the majority of them into zombies called blackouts. The blackouts were useless, so Baron went to the Union to get more henchmen. Lester put on an Ubersuit helmet that he found in the museum, and the rest of the suit attached itself to Lester and he couldn’t get it off. It took him for a flight around the city and he accidentally caused mayhem, so Terri Murphy reported on the news that Lester was a new supervillain. The suit caused Lester to crash into Hank’s apartment, so Hank was mad and punched Lester unconscious after he lost control of the suit and blasted things. When Lester woke up, Jolene Zen, a scientist who used to work for Baron, was experimenting on his suit. Hank discovered that the suit could break through anything, so he snuck Lester out of the lab and planned to use Lester’s new powers to retrieve the What-if-ium and make Lester a villain and Hank and his friends something other than henchmen. Hank told his buddies Jane, Stew, Doug and Yakov about Lester and asked for their help to accomplish Hank’s plan. When the museum was found trashed because of Lester, it was blocked off and dopey robot officers Bleep and Bloop guarded the crime scene. Hank’s friends impersonated robots to distract the officers while Hank and Lester snuck inside the museum. Lester tried to use his powers to blast open the Time Bandit and get the What-if-ium, but he couldn’t do it so Hank called him a useless failure. That angered Lester and he used all of his power to destroy the tomb of the Time Bandit. The robots appeared to arrest Hank and Lester, but they escaped. Hank’s fellow henchmen and Jolene were upset when they realized that Hank used Lester to get what he wanted. They tried to talk Hank out of breaking the What-if-ium, and he did it anyway but Lester stopped him. Jolene took Lester to her lab, where she told him to think of his happy place. Lester thought of Hank and was able to get out of the suit. The Union Boss and the robots took Hank away, and Baron’s head henchman Biff kidnapped Jane, Stew and Yakov. Baron wanted to zap them into blackouts, but Biff convinced Baron to put the henchmen to work helping them. Baron then attacked Supervillain City and announced that he would kill anyone who refused to join him in taking over the world. Baron then went to Apex City and turned Terri, the FFF and the citizens of the city into blackouts. Hank was able to steal the Union Boss’s flying van an escape, and he used it to try and stop Baron and his missile. Hank crashed the van into Baron’s warship and demanded to have his friends released, so Baron fired the blackout ray at Hank. Lester held the ray off while the others ran, and Hank and Jolene set off explosions inside the warship and it crashed into the ground. Lester agreed to give Baron the suit in exchange for supervillain training, and Baron put the suit on and captured Hank and Jolene. Lester played along and pretended to be Baron’s apprentice, and he boasted about all of Baron’s victories in the comic books. All of the praises that Baron received made the suit more powerful, and then Lester announced that the bad guys always lost and Baron’s supposed victories were all failures. The suit malfunctioned and shot off into the distance with Baron. In the end, Jane got rid of Biff by attacking him with a plunger. Lester then joined Hank’s family of henchmen (still collecting a paycheck from the villain side).

  

DATE REVIEWED: 7/1/24

TITLE:  State of Play (based on the BBC TV series of the same name)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Universal Pictures / Working Title Films / Studiocanal / Relativity Media / Andell Entertainment / Bevan-Fellner Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Washington, D.C., and began with teenager Deshaun Stagg running for his life from a dangerous man with a stolen briefcase. The killer man shot Deshaun dead and also shot Vernon Sando, a pizza delivery guy who witnessed the scene. Cal McCaffrey was a reporter for the Washington Globe and showed up at the crime scene. Detective Donald Bell filled reporter Cal in on the information because the two were friendly, which ultimately led to other people dying because the press played detective and withheld evidence from the police after getting information from the rogue officer (It is not freedom of the press when the press gets more people killed and steals evidence from a murder investigation to make a profit and twist the truth misleading the USA people). Vernon was an MBA graduate from Duke, and was in the process of buying a pizza franchise and had to work the route before the deal could go through. Vernon barely survived the shooting and was in a coma at the hospital in the ICU and had police protection assigned to his room. The detective said Deshaun was thought to be doing a drug deal when he died. Meanwhile, Congressman Stephen Collins was being groomed to be the next elected Democratic President. Stephen received news that Sonia Baker, his head research assistant assigned to the PointCorp case, died in a subway train accident after she was pushed. Stephen went to the hearing as scheduled but tearfully explained the sad news about his staffer to the committee and then walked out. Stephen’s reaction at the hearing had everyone wondering about an intimate relationship between him and Sonia and it caused a great scandal since the congressman was married. Even the Globe news employees at their huge office bet that Stephen was having sex with Sonia. Della Frye, a younger female news employee, wrote the online Capitol Hill blog for the Globe. Della introduced herself to seasoned employee Cal and she asked Cal for dirt about Stephen since they Cal and Stephen knew each other in college. The scandal between Stephen and Sonia was already all over multiple news outlets and it was suggested that Sonia committed suicide. PointCorp was the biggest beneficiary of the military’s outsourcing in Iraq and Afghanistan, and Stephen was speaking out again them in his hearings. Stephen admitted to Congressman George Fergus and Andrew Pell that he had an affair with Sonia, and they took him off the PointCorp hearing and advised him not to draw attention to himself. The two democrats told Stephen that they take care of their party members and told Stephen he will get through the scandal. Stephen’s wife, Anne, would not take his calls or speak to him. Cameron Lynne, the British female editor of the Washington Globe, wanted Cal to give her dirt on Stephen. As it turned out, Stephen showed up at Cal’s apartment to get away from the reporters camped outside Stephen’s house. Cal planned to help his college buddy and write an article to divert the blame from Stephen and blame Sonia’s death on unsafe transit conditions. Cal then told Stephen to call Sonia’s parents because he didn’t want it in the news that the congressman was too shallow of a person that he didn’t offer his sympathy to Sonia’s relatives over the loss of his assistant, Sonia. Stephen told Cal that he was happiest when he was with Sonia, and not his wife. Stephen then proved that Sonia didn’t kill herself because she sent him a lovey video message that morning and she was looking forward to their upcoming plans together. Della published an online Globe article trashing Stephen, and then Reporter Cal gave Della the contact name of Lieutenant Leon Comey so he could show Della the security footage from the train station to determine the people around Sonia at the time of death and whether she was pushed or jumped in front of the approaching train. Della got a police escort from Stuart Brown to Comey’s office, but she couldn’t find out anything because the killer planned the murder to happen in one of the train station camera’s blind spots. Anne called Cal, and he knew nothing about Stephen’s affair and agreed to meet with Anne. Reporter Cal was friendly with the female at the hospital (obviously did this to get the scoop many times before) and went through the evidence items belonging to Deshaun, even though he wasn’t supposed to. Cal wore gloves and copied down the numbers from Deshaun’s phone. Outside in the hallway, Mandi Brokaw, a 16-year-old junkie thief living on the streets (with Deshaun) sat in a chair by the vending machine. She asked Cal to buy her a soda at the hospital and he did. In his Saab car on the road, Cal called the numbers and tried to impersonate Deshaun in a homie voice, but one man knew it wasn’t him and hung up on Cal. One of the numbers from Deshaun’s call list happened to belong to Sonia’s cell phone, so Cal asked Della for information on Sonia but she wouldn’t give him any and was worried that Cal was trying to ruin Sonia’s reputation. Mandi then ended up stealing Cal’s bag when he was getting a meal at a fast food joint, but Cal found her across the street and Mandi agreed to give him his bag back once he gave her $500 (that was how Deshaun and her made money…stealing things of value to others and selling them back to people). Later on, wifey Anne showed up at a press conference to salvage Stephen’s political career and made a dignified statement to save his reputation. Mandi brought Cal to her underground hideout home and explained that Deshaun had stolen a metal briefcase from a man outside Starbucks and then planned to sell it back to the man so Deshaun could get money for illegal drugs and shoot up again. The contents of that briefcase included a gun with strange smaller than normal bullets and different pictures of Sonia with men. Mandi had kept the photos from the briefcase and then Deshaun met up with the owner of the briefcase to sell it back to him (minus the photos). Mandi then showed the photos to Cal. Mandi said she tried to tell Deshaun not to sell the briefcase back because the man was different and scarier than their other victims, but he did it anyway because he was desperate to get drugs. Mandi had used Deshaun’s phone to call Sonia and warn her about the psycho man so she wouldn’t get hurt, but Sonia didn’t answer the call. Cal didn’t go to the police with the evidence but instead called congressman and college buddy Stephen to give him an update on what happened and ask him who would want Sonia dead. Cal later explained the case details to boss Cameron, Della and the staff. Everything led back to PointCorp, which was founded by ex-military. The bullets were military-grade and were specially made to shoot and kill theirs targets, and the shooter knew exactly where to aim at both Deshaun and Vernon. The Washington reporters withheld the evidence from the police because they wanted to make money off it. Della thought the police should know about the evidence and the reporting company was obstructing justice by remaining silent, but the other reporters, including the editor, planned to hold onto the information and use it to their advantage to get the story first. Cameron wanted to replace rookie Della with senior employee Ted Moody, but Cal stood up for Della so Cameron swore the f-word at Cal and agreed to keep Della on the investigative case. Officer Brown was supposed to be watching Vernon in the ICU, but he got distracted with a call on his cell phone. Cal talked to Detective Joe Bynes and got permission for Della to talk to Vernon when he woke up. Della bumped into Robert Bingham in the elevator leaving the hospital as she arrived, who was there to finish off the job and kill Vernon. Robert did just that by shooting Vernon dead through the glass room window, and officer Brown pulled reporter Della down to safety inside the victim’s hospital room, but he got shot in the left arm. Cal went to see Anne, and the two of them were close because they had an affair.That didn’t last long because Cal rushed off to the hospital when he got the shooting news, and crying reporter Della was upset and told reporter Cal that the Globe could have stopped the deaths if they had given the police the photographs so they could possibly get fingerprints off the photos and find the murderer. The Globe held a meeting with Donald and the other police detectives and gave them some information. Donald told the snake pit of reporters that they already had blood on their hands for interfering with the murder investigation instead of handing over the evidence. Editor Cameron wanted a quid pro quo for whatever the police uncovered in the investigation so the Globe could report it, but the police refused and left with the murder evidence.  Cameron wanted to do better than the cops so she assigned Della to find out more about Sonia while Hank, Pete and Cal investigated PointCorp (again…the new reporters were interfering in a police investigation and what they did was not considered freedom of the press but unlawful and endangering the lives of innocent citizens). PointCorp had bought 60,000 acres in North Carolina and called it little Baghdad, and they had offices at the Watergate building. Della and Cal toured the empty Medal of Freedom Initiative (MOFI) offices. Stephen went back to his hearings and questioned PointCorp on their profits going up $250 million since the war and how the military paid to train the men and then PointCorp got rich from killing them overseas (PointCorp had 100% Vets as employees). Della asked around about Sonia, and someone claimed that she used to walk around in her bra and underwear before she got into politics. Dominic Foy was in the pictures with Sonia, and he led Della to Sonia’s former roommate Rhonda Silver. Della got her information by agreeing to a date with a sweaty guy, and then she reviewed the Metro Station footage. She recognized a man there as Robert, the assassin she bumped into at the hospital by the elevator. Della printed out suspect murderer Robert’s photo to show her reporter coworkers and boss (and not the police). Cal then met with a PointCorp insider (he got the name from his many reporter sources) outside Captain White and Jessie Taylor’s Seafood and gave him a picture of Robert. The PointCorp insider explained that it was the Muslim terror gold rush. The PointCorp soldiers answered to no one but each other and were loyal only to their paychecks, and they were in it for billions of dollars in (USA) domestic money that they got from privatizing Homeland Security. PointCorp were there for hurricanes and were private security contractors authorized to go after Americans and shoot them. PointCorp trained the Chicago police and planned to take over the phone tapes and terrorist databases from NSA. Congressman Stephen then explained to his reporter buddy Cal that the government outsourced bids for Homeland Security and granted 16 companies the bids, 14 of those individual companies Stephen believed were all owned by one single company. Cal warned Stephen to be careful while Cal searched for the evidence to get Stephen on the record and expose PointCorp’s illegal dealings. Della went to talk to Rhonda, who told her that she and Sonia had a threesome with Stephen and he gave Sonia many thousands of dollars to pay off her credit card debt. Cal didn’t want Della to compromise his story by putting that little tidbit about the sex scandal and credit card payoffs out in the press. Anne went to see Cal and told him that she wanted to walk away with her marriage so she could be with Cal, but he told her that it was too late for them to be together (Cal was romantically interested in younger Della). Cal questioned Anne if Stephen could spend over $25,000 without her knowing, and she explained that he couldn’t because the political husband and wife family without children could just barely afford their multiple houses in different states. The PointCorp insider gave reporter Cal the information he needed to locate Robert through Fred Summers in Crystal City. Cal went to Fred’s apartment, where Fred’s roommate Robert said that Fred was overseas. Cal called for police backup and made a run for it, and he hid in the parking garage as Robert followed him with a gun. A group of people entered the parking garage and left in their car, but Cal grabbed onto the side of the car as Robert shot at him. The car crashed into the police car that arrived, and the bad guy ran and Cal injured his hand. Donald later told Cal and Della that Fred died and the neighbors told him that Fred’s nephew was staying with him, but Fred didn’t have a nephew. Donald also revealed that Mandi was likely murdered that night because of the tips she gave Cal. Mandi’s fingerprints were found on the Sonia photos that the Washington reporters held from the police. Cameron was irate about not being on the front page of the news with the Congressman Stephen threesome sex story, and Cal explained that it was a made-up way to sabotage Stephen’s career and hide what was going on with PointCorp. The Washington Globe were now owned by MediaCorp, who wanted sales so editor Cameron announced that Cal and Della had eight hours to finish their story without getting all the facts. Reporters Hank and Pete, Globe employees, found information on Sonia’s friend Dominic, who owned a PR business and liked to party and dress up at freak nightclubs. Dominic’s office was located in the same Watergate suite as the MOFI. The reporters decided they would take the law into their own hands and illegally scare Dominic into a confession on tape by threatening to release his name in the news with a picture of him dressed questionably. Dominic agreed to talk, and Cal took Dominic to a dingy Americana motel with the cameras recording. Dominic popped pills, smoked cigarettes and drank beer, and Cal told Dominic that his compensation would be protection and not having his name published if he gave the Washington reporters what they wanted. Dominic explained that he recommended Sonia to work for PointCorp, and she was able to pay off her credit card debt without Stephen’s help because she was paid $26,000 a month. Sonia was instructed to spy on Congressman Stephen and report back to PointCorp, and spy Sonia decided on her own to have sex with Congressman Stephen. Cal called Stephen and learned that Congressman George Fergus was the one who recommended Sonia to Stephen. Cal told Stephen to come to the motel immediately, and reporter Della was upset that reporter Cal was breaking all the laws and trying to do police work.After Cal left the shabby room, drugged up Dominic admitted to Della that he was bisexual. Cal later on admitted that he was Stephen’s friend and he once had a thing for Anne. Stephen listened to the video interview with Dominic and learned that Sonia was pregnant with Congressman Stephen’s child, but she never told Stephen. Stephen went next door and attacked Dominic, and Cal and the others separated them. Stephen knew about Cal having an affair with Anne, and then Stephen stormed off and Della overheard. Cal went to interrogate Congressman George and interrupted him at a formal gathering. George claimed that he recommended Sonia because she was the daughter of George’s family friend. However, George didn’t even know that Sonia’s mom’s name was Janine so George knew the was caught in a lie and then he threatened to have reporter Cal fired. MediaCorp didn’t want the newspaper to print anything unless they got a confession from one of the big key political people. Cal believed that MediaCorp, PointCorp and George were in on it together. Stephen and Anne then appeared at the Washington Globe offices, and Stephen gave his confession on tape. Congressman Stephen explained on tape that PointCorp wanted to take over the country and they would readily pick off any citizens who stood in their way and have them as collateral damage. The two college buds never told Anne about Sonia’s pregnancy or how much Stephen and Sonia loved each other and instead led Anne to believe that it was all a political ploy to get to Stephen and Sonia was being paid to have sex with and spy on her husband. Cal and Della went separately to their assigned desks to write up their one report, and then they drank hard alcohol inside the work place to celebrate when they were finished. Cal then realized that Anne knew how much Sonia was getting paid even though nobody ever told Anne about it so something was very wrong. Cal found a picture of Stephen, Robert and other men with a black panther symbol which matched the symbol on the shirt that Robert wore in the parking garage. Cal told Della to tell Cameron to hold the story printing while Cal went to Stephen’s office and questioned him who Robert was. Stephen explained that he saved 17-year-old soldier Robert’s life in Kuwait, but then Robert was discharged from the Army because he was mentally unstable. Stephen got suspicious of Sonia and hired Robert to stalk her and find out what she was hiding from Stephen. Cal figured out that Stephen had unstable Robert in his pocket to kill Sonia off since Stephen knew Robert would do anything for him since he saved his life overseas, and Cal in his other pocket to cover it all up in the news, and four people died because of the politicians scheming ways. Cal had already called the police to arrest Stephen, and Cal left. Military dressed Robert, who was armed with a gun and had come to finish things, confronted Cal outside. Robert shot at Cal to kill him but he ducked, and the police had arrived and shot Robert dead first. Della and Cameron were there for moral support as Cal typed up the story of Stephen’s arrest and used his name and Della’s. Della was given the honor of hitting the send button for the final article to go to press, and then she walked out of the Washington Globe with Cal. The story was printed on the front page of the newspaper. This movie had a budget of $60 million and grossed over $88 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, The Times “Four stars.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, “A gripping thriller…” Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times “A smart, ingenious thriller.” Shawn Edwards, FOX-TV “sophisticated, intelligent and powerful.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/30/24

TITLE: Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous (aka Major Movie Star in the UK)

BOX OFFICE RATED:  PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008  Sony Pictures Releasing / Screen Gems / Millennium Films / Gerber Pictures / Papa Joe Films / Emmett/Furla Films / MM Moviestar Movie, LLC / Grand Army Entertainment, LLC

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Hollywood, California where rich actress Megan Valentine lived in a mansion with her housekeeper Camille and small dog Peek-a-boo. Joe Kidd, an actual underage kid reporter, falsely reported Megan as being pregnant when she was seen near the doctor’s office and it was on the front page of the local celebrity smut magazine. Megan and her gay grooming manager, Nigel Crew, had worked together since Megan was 13, when he started controlling her life and she was known as Frances Bagley. Nigel gave Megan a white color dress to wear (innocence) to her Rupert & Alice movie premiere (a talking dog movie since that was the in thing) so she wouldn’t look like a sex worker in black attire. Megan’s agent Sidney Green didn’t think she was right to do a Barbra Streisand movie since Megan was America’s Sweetheart with D-cups and her biggest fans were from the penitentiary. Megan’s absent boyfriend, Derek O’Grady, from Greenpeace showed up at the premiere with her just for publicity, and he left immediately after without telling Megan that he loved her when she said she loved him. Megan overheard Amber saying that she didn’t like Megan from her stall in the bathroom, and Amber said she only pretended to be her friend for her job and had to kiss Megan’s butt and didn’t like it. In the next scene, Sidney informed Megan that Cousin Barry had been stealing money from her for years and he disappeared with over $15 million of Megan’s money. Barry also cashed out all of Megan’s investments, so she was broke and might lose her house. Megan called her older sister, Jinny, in the middle of the night, and Jinny hadn’t heard from Megan in a long time. Jinny hung up and went back to bed with her husband Mark because she didn’t want to wake up her husband or the kids. Megan drove in her pink SUV to see Nigel and discovered him in bed on top of Derek having sex. She left the mansion room where the two men had sex and drove off in her SUV. Megan drove and cried while drinking from a bottle of champagne she took from the house she just came from.  Megan then crashed her car when she swerved off the road to avoid a raccoon. The Guide Start system spoke to Megan, and she thought the voice was God but the GPS system bot told her that he notified the authorities what happened. The champagne had spilled in the front seat of the vehicle, so Megan fled the scene with the bottle and walked out through the country road and city at night drinking from the alcohol wearing her now tattered white dress. Megan passed out in front of the Army recruiting office and was found by Sergeant First Class Harrison, who recognized her as her face was on a billboard across the street. He gave her coffee, and after Megan told Harrison she no longer had a home or people to help her, Megan announced that she wanted to join the Army and become Private Valentine so she could find herself. Harrison gave Megan a contract to sign, and then she was shipped off to Fort Jackson a few hours later, under the command of female First Sergeant Louisa Morley, who was even tougher than male Drill Sergeant Mills Evans who screamed at everyone and refused to take the chill pill that Megan offered him so Megan downed the drug. Louisa Morley called Vicky Castello a ho and blew another female recruit, Johnson, a kiss and wondered if she thought the female sergeant was attractive. The other recruits recognized celebrity Megan, but Morley wouldn’t let her leave basic training. Megan couldn’t handle getting up at five in the morning or the intensive boot camp regimen. She left messages for Sidney, and he figured out that she was in the Army and arrived at the Jackson Army Base to pick Megan up, along with attorney Morris. Sidney tried to bribe Captain Peter Greer into letting Megan go because she was in shock from her car accident and made a rash decision. Greer refused because Megan signed a contract and was now property of the Army. Sidney and Morris were escorted out by the Military Police, and Morley didn’t want Megan there but Greer refused to let them get bad publicity since enlistment was down. Private Hamamori announced that she wanted to help people and grow medical marijuana. Megan didn’t bring her rifle to practice, so Evans was sent running three miles back to base to retrieve it. Whenever Megan did something wrong, the other recruits were punished with more running and push-ups like when Megan needed a poop bathroom break and then shot her gun off in the direction of the other private soldiers after she tripped. In the barracks, Private Sarah Jeter (left the military to get married but the marriage didn’t work out so Sarah rejoined the army but lost her rank and had to start all over again) threatened to hurt Megan if she caused them any more punishment because of her mistakes. The females talked later and Alyssa Petrovich was there because her brother Paul died in Afghanistan and Vicky Castillo was there so the military would pay for medical school. Evans (son of a General) gave Megan encouraging words not to be a dumb blonde who only thought of herself that earned punishment for her and the other recruit. Megan worked harder and did better in training, and she gave Castillo her free call so Castillo could call her boyfriend Ray and tell him not to cheat on her while she was gone. Alyssa left her gun out, so Megan said it was hers, and Louisa sentenced Megan to cleaning the bathroom floor with a toothbrush. The paparazzi and Megan’s fans found her, and Greer was glad for the publicity. Megan got the other female privates in trouble when she taught them dance moves from one of her movie soundtracks. They all snuck out in the middle of the night to have a secret chocolate party, and Jeter joined them for a few minutes and then left as if it never happened. Megan told the other recruits all her troubles, and then they read Megan’s fan mail letters. Megan got one piece of mail from her personal assistant, Delores Bagoni, who confirmed that it was hard to take care of Megan so Delores had considered slitting her wrists. Delores gave Megan the dirt that she asked for about Morley, and Megan embarrassed Sgt. Louisa by showing the dirt video at Captain Greer’s meeting to the recruits from when the touch army female Sgt. was a bad actress in low-budget sex movie. Everyone laughed, so Louisa retaliated by having Joe Kidd print an article in a magazine falsely claiming that Megan was in the Army to study for a movie role and she believed the other recruits were gangbangers and drug dealers. Sidney went to see Megan and told her that Harrison was demoted to Sergeant to Private because he didn’t give Megan a physical or aptitude test. Sidney also said Megan’s signed contract was illegal because of Harrison’s mistakes, so Megan could leave with him and go to her home since it was hers again. Sidney added that Barry was found hiding out in Amsterdam. Barry revealed the location of two offshore bank accounts containing the millions of US Dollars missing, so Megan would get her money back and keep her house. Sidney got Megan into People magazine and they planned to do a movie with Rupert & Alice in the Army. Megan left the Army and back her her pad in Hollywood, California, Megan fired Amber (conniving witch who hated her in secret) and Nigel (gay ungodly manager who stole her boyfriend). Megan instructed Morris to hire her an accountant so she could keep track of her money, and Megan announced that she would decide everything for herself and make her own decisions about what acting jobs she would accept and type of clothes to wear and the people she would have in her life from that point on. Megan decided to return to the Army to participate in the 24-hour tactical test and finish basic training as she made a special kind of special deal with Army in Captain Greer. Morley appointed Megan a squad leader with privates Castillo, Johnson, Petrovich, Hamamori and Evans. Megan lost her map before they even started, so they got lost and the squad was mad. However, they were able to get along without the map somewhat, but Jeter’s squad got ahead of them and found their blue team food, which the red team ate, so the blue team would starve. Jeter also found the red injured dummy soldier that had to be taken to the well-guarded hospital at the fort. Army Barbie Valentine told everyone to pee in the water to attract fish and it worked so they all ate fish. They named their dummy Bernie and got directions to the hospital from the Guide Start in a man’s truck alongside the road since that wasn’t breaking the rules if the man pushed the button verses the army team. The blue team then took a short cut and swam through an alligator-infested swamp to catch up to the Jeter’s red team. Megan and her blue team squad captured two of the ranger guards (never been done in Army history) and had two hours knocked off their time, and they arrived back at the fort just as Morley was awarding Jeter and her red team as the winners. Megan’s blue squad ended up winning the prize. Later on they became official privates in the Army. Megan made the deal with Greer that she would spend a year with the USO now, that she finished her basic training. The recruits’ friends and family visited them, and Jinny and her family went to see Megan, at Megan’s invitation. Evans was heading off to Iraq soon, so since he no longer ranked over Megan as basic training was done, he and Megan kissed before she left in an army helicopter for the USO. In the end, Megan the drama queen ruined Harrison’s Army career and Army Barbie got what she wanted. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/29/24

TITLE:  Old Dogs 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Walt Disney Pictures / Walt Disney Studios / Tapestry Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in New Jersey, where childhood best friends, Daniel “Dan” Rayburn and Charlie Reed, were partners and owned Rayburn & Reed sports marketing company. While Dan and Charlie walked elderly Lucky in the park (only jogged when they saw attractive females approach) Dan tried to kick a soccer ball back to a boy in the park, but instead hit the young boy hard in the face with the soccer ball. They were working on getting a deal with the Japanese media group owned by Yoshiro Nishamura in which they would make $47 million within the next five years. Charlie told the Japanese businessmen the story of how Dan got divorced seven years ago after he was married for 14 years. He lost everything in his bank account, so Charlie took Dan to South Beach, Miami, and got him totally drunk 14 hours after the divorce was finalized. Charlie had “Free Man” tattooed on Dan’s chest, but the tattooist didn’t understand (may not have spoken English) and inked “Fremont.” Charlie and Dan gave Vicki Greer the Queen’s wave at a Miami party. Then low and behold Dan and Vicki got married, but were quickly divorced soon after. The Japan men thought it funny was the translator said Dan was divorced from two women in record time. Vicki’s last name was Banton and she lived in Vermont. Dan had written to Vicki in Vermont a lengthy letter one night when he was lonely seven years later. A few months later, Vicky came to town and wanted to have lunch with Dan, and he was hoping to start a long-distance relationship with Vicki after they hadn’t seen each other in seven years. Charlie tried to talk Dan out of it but then took Dan to the tanning salon. Dan had a malfunction in the salon and called for help, but Charlie (rubbed elbows with the so-called celebrities) was busy calling Shaq on the phone so the clerk Kelly could talk to him. Vicki fixed Dan’s awful tan after they met for lunch. Vicki announced that she was spending the next two weeks in jail for trespassing after she chained herself to a bulldozer and burned the blueprints to the plant that a chemical company wanted to build and drain into the stream on Vicki’s property. Vicki told her seven-year-old twin children Zach and Emily that she was going to a spa in Westford Farms (not jail) and the kids would stay with Vicki’s friend Jenna the hand model. Dan freaked out when he discovered that the kids were his children, and Zach went to the men’s room with Dan for the first time, because in the past seven years Vicki always took Zach into the ladies room with her. Dan accidentally closed Jenna’s hands in the trunk of the car and then hit her in the face with the trunk, and she ended up in the hospital so Dan agreed to take care of the kids with Charlie’s help, while Vicki was in jail. They went to Pamela’s restaurant to eat, and many ungodly people rudely called Dan and Charlie seniors and grandparents there. Dan tried to have the kids live with him at his adult-only condo (Charlie convinced Dan to buy), but he got caught and convinced Charlie to let them stay at his place. Dan hired Nick and Gary to childproof the house. Zach and Emily demanded to go to their Pioneers meeting, so Dan and Charlie took them even though they had business to attend to. Zach and Emily told Troop Leader Barry Taylor that they had two dads and Dan and Charlie were partners, so Barry was convinced the men were gay. Camp counselor Rick was adamant that Charlie was the one who stole his female interest, Janice Applebaum. After Charlie made Rick’s mouth bleed during frisbee, they played rough with prison rules. Dan accidentally shot the head off the monument statue of Barry’s grandpa Ted. Zach and Emily spilled all of Dan and Charlie’s pills in the bathroom, so they put them back in the organizers marked with days of the week in the wrong spots. Dan went to the golf game he had with Nishamura, and the mixed up drug medication messed with his mind. He couldn’t judge how to hit the golf ball and ended up hitting and hurting a bird that flew close and then hit Craig and Nishamura’s son, Riku, in the private parts. Dan and the kids went to the beach party with Amanda Reed, a worker who translated English for the Japanese businessmen. Amanda was there with her bereavement group because her grandmother recently passed away from a nine-month battle with excruciating painful cancer and the group was having a potluck. Charlie stuffed his face with the pie made by a lady who just died. Amanda shared her grief, and Charlie couldn’t stop smiling because the wrong medication paralyzed his face and he looked like the Joker from Batman. Dan was later frustrated that Zach unplugged his fax machine as they were about to close the Nishamura deal so Dan told Charlie that he never wanted kids. Zach overheard and was upset, and he threw away his list of things he wanted to do with his dad on the floor and locked himself into a room. Charlie (more connections) took Dan to a Jimmy Lunchbox puppet show with animals and sexy women. Charlie convinced his buddy Jimmy Mac to use software to turn Dan into a human puppet so he could be on the kids’ level when he spent time with them. Charlie wore a suit and Dan had to do whatever Charlie did, including dance around and act goofy. Meanwhile, Zach played games on Dan’s computer but was interrupted when Nishamura and the other Japanese board members in Japan who met around their conference table came on screen over the computer (text messaging without face time). Zach typed responses and claimed that Nissan was poop and they should invest their time and money in robots. Zach text that he was bored and left the meeting, and the Japanese thought they were talking to Dan and he had guts to be so bold with his words. Dan had stuck a device down his pants to jolt his private parts per Charlie and Jimmy Mac, and it electrocuted him after he fell in water when having tea with his young daughter. The puppet control stopped worked, so Dan decided to be himself and told Emily that he loved her forever and she was safe with him. They hugged it out. Dan then showed Zach how to ride a bicycle and then they all went to a ballgame and met the New York Mets players on the field, like Zach wanted to do on his list. Nishamura announced that his company would pursue the robotics venture and questionable Craig would move to Tokyo. Dan and Charlie dropped Craig off at JFK, and Craig thanked them for being the two dads he never had. Vicki called from jail and Dan agreed to pick her up after his and Charlie’s Zoom conference call with Nishamura. Charlie watched a horror show with the kids in his bed, while Dan sat in a nearby chair and made a list of things he wanted to do with the kids. Craig never showed up to work or the meeting and instead partied in Tokyo with techno karaoke from the moment he arrived. Dan and Charlie were an hour late to the conference because the kids unplugged the alarm clock again. Dan promised to be there for Nishamura’s company 24/7, and Nishamura insisted that Dan and Charlie move to Tokyo and be the liaison to make up for their delay and Craig’s incompetence. Dan picked Vicki up from the Westford jail and she wanted to get back together with him. Vicki gave Zach and Emily gifts of personalized Vermont license plates with their names and Charlie soap made into a bunny shape. However, Dan then told Vicki and the kids that he was moving to Japan and he would try to visit them every six months. Vicki returned to her home in Vermont with the 7 year old twins. Dan and Charlie considered the deal to be like their child and both headed to Japan first class on a private jet. Charlie made himself the joke when meeting with the businessmen instead of Dan. Dan tanked the meeting after he came across his kids list and opened the wrong file on his laptop and saw videos of his Vermont family. Charlie was irate that they lost the deal, and they were sent back to America on an 18-hour flight instead of the private jet. Dan and Charlie decided they weren’t friends anymore, and when Dan returned back to the states he discovered that his 14-year-old dog Lucky died when he went to the boarding kennel to pickup of his family member. Craig was back in the USA too and called Dan and Charlie and begged to have his job back, and he excused himself for what he did because he was a preemie and had mental complications from being born too early. Charlie invited Dan to Lucky’s funeral, and Dan came with a new puppy for Charlie. The two made amends and decided that they and Craig (on probation) would go see the kids in Vermont at their birthday party in the Burlington Zoo. The VT guard wouldn’t let the trio in, so they broke into the zoo and ended up in the enclosure with an angry gorilla. The gorilla grabbed Craig and cuddled him. Dan and Charlie ran to safety by climbing over the wall but then jumped into a pool and were attacked by vicious penguins. Doug the Missile was scheduled to appear at the party as a superhero (Emily expected her dad to be a superhero). Instead, Dan borrowed Doug’s jetpack. However, Dan soon crashed into the pool and was taken to the hospital. Dan told Vicki that he rented a house in Burlington, Vermont and planned to stick around, and they and the kids all hugged. One year later, Nishamura made a deal with Dan the family man to represent their family business. After $47 million in fees, they went on Dan’s boat to Aruba. Nick and Gary childproofed the boat because Charlie had a three-month old baby with Amanda. Nick and Gary spilled pills on board the boat and put them back in the wrong spots, so all the kids and adults had their seasickness pills messed up and they wore Joker faces in the picture that Craig took. This movie had a budget of $35 million and grossed over $96 million at the box office.The movie cover art listed, Pete Hammond, Boxoffice Magazine, “Hilarious! Fun for the whole family.” Sandie Newton, KTVT-TV (CBS) Dallas, “One of the best family films of the year.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/28/24

TITLE:  Adventures in Babysitting

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1987  Touchstone Pictures / Silver Screen Partners III / Rose Productions / Buena Vista Pictures Distribution 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Chicago, where 17-year-old Christina “Chris” Parker danced around excitedly on her bed in just a T-shirt in preparation for the anniversary date with her boyfriend Mike Toddwell at a fancy French restaurant. However, Mike showed up and then canceled the date and rescheduled it because he had to take care of his sick little sister. Chris was upset, and her high school friend, Brenda, believed that Mike was lying and was the only flavor from Dairy Queen. Mom convinced her daughter, Chris, to spend the night babysitting Brad and Sara Anderson while their parents were away at an Associate’s meeting in their high-rise building. Sara was Marvel-obsessed and wasted Brad’s Clearasil on a picture of Thor, who Brad claimed was a homo. 15-year-old Brad had a crush on senior Chris and decided not to stay the night with his friend Daryl Coopersmith after he learned Chris would be at his house. Teen Daryl came over anyway with his Playboy magazine and wanted to stay and see Chris with her clothes off because Chris looked a lot like Miss March, but Brad kicked him out. Chris then got a call from unstable Brenda, who begged Chris to come pick her up from the downtown bus station because she decided to run away. Wicked Brenda hated her family and considered poisoning her stepmom’s drink with Drano. Brenda was scared on the streets of Chicago after witnessing people shooting up with drugs, a Chinese lady wearing no pants, a man who lived in the phone booth and another man with a gun eyeing and making gestures at Brenda. Chris planned to leave Brad and Sara at their house while she went to get Brenda, but the kids and Daryl blackmailed babysitter Chris into taking them into the city by threatening to tell the parents on her if she didn’t. Chris threatened to stab and murder the boys if they misbehaved, and Daryl brought along his dad’s Playboy magazine to show Brad pictures of Shaylene, the model with big breasts who looked exactly like Chris. Brad threw the Playboy magazine out the window. Chris took her mom’s large station wagon car and got a flat tire on the expressway. They pulled over and discovered that there was no spare, so John Pruitt from Dawson’s Garage stopped by and towed them. He gave the kids a ride to the garage where he planned to buy them a tire, but then Dawson informed John that his wife was having sex with another man. John sped recklessly through traffic to his house, where he threw the other man out the glass window and shot at him with his gun. One of the bullets went through the windshield of Chris’s mom’s car and then through the window of the truck where the kids were barely missing their heads, so the kids jumped into the man with John’s wife car. However, a criminal, Joe Gipp was inside and then hotwired the car and sped off as John and the other man fought each other in the street. Joe promised not to hurt the kids but refused to drop them off in the bad neighborhood, so Chris agreed to go along with Joe while he delivered the stolen car to the chop shop led by mob boss Bleak and his second-in-command Graydon. Bleak was angry that Joe brought the kids there for fear they would tell the police about the illegal strip car operation. The kids were put in a room, and they escaped through a hole in the ceiling and made it across a narrow ledge in the rafters. Daryl snatched a Playboy from the office before he left the hideout, and it contained Bleak’s notes for one of the car orders so he and Graydon went after the kids and tried to retrieve it. They forced Joe to come with them. Chris and the white kids escaped into an adult majority black nightclub, where they had to sing the baby-sitting blues jazzy song before they were allowed to leave. Brad told Chris that Mike was a loser in hopes she would consider dating Brad, but she thought Brad was too young for her. The group had planned to walk to the Anderson building close by and tell Brad and Sara’s parents what happened, but then they remembered Brenda was waiting on them after Chris and her underage gang in her care had encountered a 17-year-old turned prostitute on the streets of Chicago who had also run away from home. Meanwhile, a homeless lady stole Brenda’s glasses so Brenda couldn’t see. Brenda picked up what she thought was a kitten but turned out to be a rat that was about to be killed. Brenda tried to buy a hot dog with a check, but the hotdog vendor refused to take anything but cash and told the underage girl that he only took cash for his wiener. Brenda later got her glasses back from the homeless lady who angrily chased her.The bad guys chased Chris and the kids again and they escaped onto a train, where two dangerous and violent Chitown gangs had a dispute and planned to kill each other with knives.Chris tried to talk them out of the battle, and the leader of the Lords of Hell called Chris a bit** and told her not to f**k with them. Brad tried to stick up for Chris, but the gang leader threw his knife into boy Brad’s foot. Chris pulled the knife out of Brad’s foot and told the gangs not to f**k with the babysitter and used the knife to get herself and the kids off the train. They carried Brad to the hospital, where he got only one stitch in his foot and didn’t think it was impressive for his first gang fight. Chris asked to see her stabbed friend, and Dr. Nukhbane thought she was talking about the other patient who died from stab wounds so he announced that Brad was dead. Chris fainted but was revived after discovering that Brad was alive. The man who John’s wife had an affair with then tried to go after the kids for stealing his car inside the hospital, but John fought the man off again. John told the kids that Dawson wanted them to pay $50 for the tire, and John said he would pay for the gunshot glass damage and then John took off and ran from the police. Chris and the kids went to a Kappa party at the University of Chicago, where some of the guys thought Chris was Playboy Shaylene. A local student, Dan Lynch, told the kids it wasn’t Chris in the magazine, and then he slow-danced with her, which made Brad jealous. Chris wasn’t watching the other children at the party. Chris was worried that it would be her fault if the kids turned out as drug addicts and serial killers. Sue Ann, a teen at the university party, invited Daryl to bed with her, and they made out until Sue Ann’s boyfriend tried to attack Daryl. Dan got $45 to pay for the tire since Chris didn’t have any money, and he drove Chris and the kids to the garage and then left. Dawson refused to give them the car without all the money until Sara mistook him for Thor the homo because of his hammer, height, and blond hair. She gave Dawson her helmet, and he melted and let them have their car back. Bleak and Graydon forced Joe to help them, so he told them that the kids would go to the garage. After leaving the garage with mom’s car now fixed, Chris and the kids drove by the French Le Bleu restaurant and saw Mike’s “So Cool” red Camaro parked outside. Chris went inside to confront Mike and discovered that Mike ahd lied about his sick sister so he could take Sesame Blexar out to dinner. Brad stood up for Chris but wouldn’t fight Mike, so Daryl kicked cheating Mike into a table and they all left. They realized that Sara was gone, and she went to the toy store to window-shop that she saw as they drove down the street earlier. Little Sara had the Playboy magazine in her backpack, so the bad guys went after her. Sara ran down a dingy alley and then recognized her parents’ skyscraper building and ran to it, but she took the elevator to the wrong floor and not the floor where the party was going on. She went out the window at the top of the building and tried to climb down from the high-rise building. Graydon pulled Sara back up, and she lost her grip on the rope and was left hanging onto the side of the building while Graydon went down after her. Chris and the boys realized where Sara was, so Chris went to the party in disguise by borrowing a fur coat off the rack of one of the attendees. Bleak found her inside the party, so she tripped him and then ran to rescue Sara with Brad and Daryl. Chris and the other teens threw the rope down and pulled young Sara to safety, and then Joe appeared and explained why the mob guys wanted the Playboy magazine. Bleak then appeared and demanded to have the magazine, but Joe punched Bleak unconscious and left the magazine with him and left Graydon stuck outside the high-rise window. Chris and the kids picked Brenda up on the street and drove recklessly to beat Brad and Sara’s parents home. Daryl tried to peek at Brenda’s chest while she was asleep, and Sara lost her skate and wanted to go back for it but Chris refused. Chris came upon Brad and Sara’s parents’ car on the highway so the kids all ducked, including driver Chris, until Chris drove past and then sped up to get home ahead of them. The parents never suspected anything when they got home and the kids were in bed. The kids all thanked Chris for giving them the greatest night of their lives. As Chris left the house and her failed babysitting job, Dan arrived and brought Sara’s skate back to her because it had Sara’s address on the inside of the skate and she left it in Dan’s jeep. Adult Dan and underage Chris then kissed outside. The movie cover art listed, Judith Crist, WOR-TV ,“Filled with fun and laughter.” Jeffrey Lyons, Sneak Previews/INN, “Wonderfully entertaining…superbly performed…and loads of unending fun.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/27/24

TITLE:  Snowmen 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Arc Entertainment / Mpower Distribution / Heritage Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in the small town of Silver Lake in wintertime. 10-year-old Howard Garvey and his dad, Leonard, had just moved from Jamaica and their U-Haul was parked outside their new house, across the street from the Kirkfield family. Outside, Howard met fellow sixth-grader Billy Kirkfield after Howard threw ice balls at Billy and then blew his snot all over Bill’s face as a joke. Billy and Lucas Lamb became friends with Howard. Billy had cancer and was convinced that he would die soon because his parents were overly affectionate and always hugging him as though it were his last days to live. Billy believed that he would go to heaven automatically because all kids did and his family went to church. The three unsupervised boys played in a dangerous snow-bank tunnel left by the snowplow outside the Kirkfield house. They barely made it out alive when the snowplow dumped more snow on top of them. A dead body of an elderly man who had been frozen stiff was then uncovered in the heap of snow, and he became known as the Snowman. The local news reported it, and Billy’s dad, Reggie, asked the news station that was on scene at his house to play his car dealership commercial, he called in a favor, since the news was already buzzing about Billy and the other children finding the dead body. On Howard’s first day of school, he got in a fight with Jason Bound, the school bully and king of the snow mound called Kill Hill. Howard decked Jason after bully Jason missed Howard many times, and the four boys ended up in Principal Marion Witzel’s office. Reggie gave Leonard (who hated the snow weather and had not job) a discount on a car from his dealership, but Leonard wasn’t used to the snow and no doubt wished he stuck with his original plant to travel via bus. Gwen, a girl from school who Billy had a crush on, invited him and his friends to skate on the ice pond that night. Gwen’s friend Sherry was mean and didn’t want to catch cancer from Billy, and she told him to take his hat off and reveal his bald head, but Gwen stuck up for Billy. However, other kids made a game out of stealing Billy’s hat when Jason announced that they could be on Kill Hill for a week if they did. Gwen stayed by her love interest and offered Billy her pink hat, but Billy was too upset and told Gwen he wanted to be left alone. The three boys ignored Leonard when he drove to pick them up and then they heard on the radio that the Snowman was 87-year-old Emerson Wyte. He was thought to have died from a stroke, but he was found eight miles away from his house so it was unclear how far he walked or how far the town snow plow had hauled the elderly man. He had been missing for a week. Leonard drove on the wrong (left) side of the road with the kids until his son reminded him he was not in Jamaica anymore. The boys went to St. Paul’s Cemetery to attend Emerson’s funeral and maybe get on the news again. They skated across the ice-covered lake to the cemetery, but the funeral was already over and the boys thought that Emerson didn’t have any family or friends and was buried without much attention. Billy was adamant that he ought to do something memorable so he wouldn’t die a loser so he would never be forgotten. He borrowed Reggie’s camera to make a video of himself being hit by snowballs, but he and his friends were the only ones who watched it. They tried to record a stunt video where they sledded down a dangerous hill with a ramp at the end of it, but they ended up crashing hard. Billy got an idea from Jason to get his name in the Book of Guinness World Records, so Billy, Howard and Lucas decided to break the record and make more than 2,000 snowmen (of a certain height) in one day. Reggie gave Billy advice to “spin” (twist) the truth in order to sell things, like he did with selling cars. The boys passed out flyers to the kids at school, and only a few signed up but the rest did after Billy took off his hat and announced that it was his dying wish. They got the news involved and Major Fred Norrie agreed to do the official count. Billy planned to use any money they earned from publicity to buy Emerson a tombstone. The kids built several hundred snowmen, but then they started melting and running out of snow. The mayor arrived early but gave the kids one more hour to finish, and he and the teachers went inside out of the cold. Jason and his gang took the heads off the snowmen, so Billy threw ice balls at Jason and gave him a bloody nose. The gang went after Billy and his friends and broke down the snowmen as they went, and then the other kids threw snowballs at the bullies to fend them off. Lucas climbed to the top of Kill Hill, and Jason pushed him off. Jason’s buddies didn’t want part of it anymore and left, and then Jason punched little Lucas and gave him a black eye. Lucas refused to punch Jason back and instead climbed up Kill Hill again and claimed it so they could use the snow to build the rest of the snowmen. However, the adults then ended the event after Reggie told everyone that Billy convinced the kids to help him by lying that he had cancer and would die. Billy thought it was true and his dad lied to him about it, but Reggie was there and insisted that Billy had a cold and already beat his cancer so he wouldn’t die and was upset that his son lied to the Mayor and school officials about his cancer being terminal. Billy ran off to Emerson’s grave, and Howard and Lucas followed. The caretaker explained that Emerson had a large funeral with many attendees, and he was buried next to his recently deceased wife and would have a tombstone like hers once the ice thawed. The caretaker showed the boys pictures of Emerson and told them that it was more important how someone did something than what they did and it was enough to just be a good person and not try to make the whole world remember you. The three boys stopped at the playground near the cemetery, and Jason appeared. Bully Jason grabbed Lucas and threatened to scalp him with an ice skate, and then the thin ice broke. Billy pushed Jason out of the way and Billy fell into the freezing water. Howard went to get help, and Lucas tried to break the ice that had frozen over with Billy stuck underneath it in the freezing water. Billy was trapped under the ice too long and died, and instead of asking to be saved he prayed to God to forgive him. The two boys were able to break the ice again and Lucas jumped into the water and dragged Billy out because Jason didn’t want to get near in case the ice broke more. Jason tried to drag and carry Billy and Lucas through the snow but didn’t get far. Reggie, Leonard and Gwen had gone to the cemetery to find Billy, and they spotted Howard and drove off-road. They found Billy, and he and Lucas were taken to the hospital. Billy claimed that he was dead for 53 minutes, went to heaven and discovered that there were dogs there, and then he came back to life once he was thawed out. Billy set a world record for being dead the longest and got on the front page of the newspaper. Billy then watched the news report, where hundreds of kids from other schools in town broke the record and built more than 12,000 snowmen. Jason and Lucas became friends, Gwen became Billy’s girlfriend and Howard joined a hockey team as a goalie. The movie cover art listed, Parents Television Council, “A motion picture of outstanding quality for the entire family.” The movie is Dove Approved and won the Sprockets Toronto International Film Festival for Children & Youth, the Tribeca Film Festival, and the Dallas International Film Festival. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/26/24

TITLE:  God’s Precious Jewels 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR  (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2013 Phase 4 Films / Throne Productions / New Kingdom Pictures / Films in Motion

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place at a theater, where a live audience watched a comedy drama skit put on by a group of mostly female actresses. The performance revolved around the Precious Jewels ministry meetings (named after a Bible passage) that were held regularly at Sunday Banks’ house. The purpose of the group was to help women on drugs and in prostitution, and also those who had been abused as children and as later as adults by their boyfriends and husbands. Some of the women’s issues never got resolved and they carried them into their adult relationships, and the supposed Christian meetings were setup to help battered females but Sunday and her girlfriends mostly bickered among themselves and discussed dating and style most of the time. Sunday owned her own realty company and bragged about setting her own hours and working whenever she felt like it. Sunday’s newest client, John Young, owned a large company and was interested in buying buildings from Sunday so she met his needs after searching the market. Sunday’s short-skirted non Christian hussy sister, Sasha Bans, got her lights turned off because she blew all her money on expensive shopping like $250 high heel shoes, and therefore, couldn’t pay her bills. Sasha borrowed $250 from Sunday, but Patricia Williams and Michelle told Sunday they saw Sasha and she no doubt used the money to buy a pair of shoes. Sasha admitted to it and then revealed that she didn’t pay her rent either, so Sunday reluctantly agreed to let her sister stay at her house so she did not end up on the street. The group of women had Sister Jones over for their Precious Jewels ministry meetings. Sasha constantly complained about the unstylish, pajama-like robes that Sister Jones wore at the meetings. Sunday insisted that Sasha attend since Sasha lived under her sister’s roof for free. The women discussed that they had to be careful whom they mated with so they wouldn’t end up pregnant or with viruses. Destiny Jefferson’s ex-husband remembered that he finally had kids and started hanging out with them after the slut he left Destiny for dumped him. Sister Jones invited Taneka Brown, and she stumbled into the meeting. She explained that her husband, Nate, beat her every day, and Sasha declared that she would do the Lorena Bobbitt on a man who committed domestic violence while the other women planned to use martial arts. Taneka’s dad, Joe Thomas, appeared on scene, and the women invited him to their future meetings. Joe told Taneka that she should leave Nate once for and all and move in with Joe with her son and daughter. John sent flowers to Sunday, and Sasha was mad that they weren’t from her boyfriend, Trey, who hung up on her after calling her bad names. John surprised Sunday with a picnic lunch in her office, and she explained that she had several dead-end relationships with abusers and thugs. John’s parents had been married for 50 years and raised him with the Word of God first in his life, so he turned out well and respected women. He hoped to have the love that his parents had and find someone who had a heart of God 24/7 and not someone who dressed nice and talked well but was mean spirited and ungodly on the inside. John invited Sunday to a dinner and a movie, and she agreed to go after her group religious meeting was over. The women came to the meeting and bashed men, and Destiny declared that she wasn’t going to date women even though she hadn’t found a good man. They all went out to get lunch because the picnic Joe bought wasn’t enough food for Sunday. Sasha planned to watch TMZ with Will and Jada and tried to sneak Trey into the house, but she quickly snuck him out when Sunday came home unexpectedly. Sasha hated on Christians and claimed that she didn’t go to church because the other women would be jealous of her sexy clothes style and body and do anything way to get all the attention. There were things Sasha didn’t understand about the Bible, so the groupies told her that Christians were supposed to be examples of how people should be saved. Patricia believed that anyone who wanted to work at a church needed a credit check, background check and drug test. Sasha rambled about the pastor at a mega church that Destiny went to had more armed men with guns than the President and the clergy man usually drove around in a limo or expensive ride. Everyone was shocked when Sister Jones came to the meeting wearing designer clothes and makeup and not her normal hat and pajamas. Taneka brought along Rita Reynolds, who had been abused by her husband for three years until she went to live in the women’s shelter. Taneka announced that Nate just got out of jail and threatened her life, so Sunday offered for Taneka and Rita to stay in her house where no abuse was tolerated. Sunday’s friend Elena came over in a skirt shorter than Sasha’s usual and performed a song that she wrote about moving on from a failed relationship. Elena planned to attend the meetings in the future. Nate had followed Taneka there from the shelter, and Sister let him inside and then Nate threatened to hit senior citizen Sister Jones if she interfered with him taking his wife and property Taneka away. Nate was then afraid that Sister Jones would use her gun on him, but she whipped out her Bible, smacked Nate with it and read Colossians 3:19. Taneka refused to leave with Nate, so he grabbed her hard by the hair and back of neck. Police Officer Dan arrived with a gun and got rough with Nate for resisting arrest. Trey then appeared, and it turned out that he was both Patricia and Sasha’s boyfriend. The two women were mad at Trey for dating them both in secret for over a month and so they kicked him out. Joe appeared and everyone learned that he got there so quickly because he was dating Sister Jones, who wasn’t happy that Michelle had a crush on Joe and Michelle thought Joe spoke wisdom and was in awe at watching him speak and Michelle was turned on by Joe. John arrived but Sunday forgot about their date so they invited him to join in their meeting that they had not started yet due to the drama. Sister Jones explained that her jealous husband of 20 years left the house and left the door open, so Sister Jones woke up to a man holding her down with a knife planning to murder her. She kicked him in the private parts and escaped, and the neighbors heard her screaming and called the police who discovered that Sister Jones’ husband set it all up to be free from his wife. Her husband went to prison and then had a heart attack and died. Taneka announced that she wouldn’t think about dating until she divorced Nate, and Destiny’s ex-husband always put her down and he ended up moving in with his sister. Rita had resorted to drugs one time and lost her children to her abusive husband, but then she went to rehab one time and got the kids back. It was said to let God guide your relationships and not lust. Officer Dan came back to the group meeting after went to the jail with Nate and announced that he had a group like theirs but it was for single Christian officers. Officer Dan in that short amount of time he was arresting Nate had spotted sexy Sasha and so he came back and invited Sasha to his church conference. Sasha didn’t want to go but he convinced her because he said also stayed away from those judgmental people too, like Sasha did. Everyone prayed in Jesus name and then the meeting was over almost as son as it had begun and they all went out to dinner. Broke Sasha didn’t have to pay for her meal since Officer Dan said he would pay, and Sunday was happy about that. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/25/24

TITLE:  Independence Day 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1996  20th Century Fox / Centropolis Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began on July 2nd with an alien spaceship sending out a radio signal from the moon. It was picked up by the SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute) in New Mexico. They were worried when they discovered that the spaceship that sent the signal was headed to Earth. The news of the UFO was sent to President Thomas J. Whitmore, whose wife, First Lady Marilyn, was away visiting cities. President Whitmore let their young daughter Patricia sleep in his bed with him and watch late night Letterman while mom was away. Whitmore’s communications director and advisor Constance “Connie” Spano was concerned that Whitmore’s age would affect his re-election. When the UFO entered the Earth’s atmosphere, it broke into three dozen pieces each at least 15 miles wide. The minutes counted down as the giant spaceships hovered ominously above major cities around the world, including Los Angeles, New York, Washington D.C., Iraq, Moscow, India, London, Germany and Rome. President Whitmore upgraded to Defcon Three and refused to go into hiding so he could keep the people calm during the alien pandemonium attacks. However, everyone was in shock and panicked. David Levinson, a satellite engineer and techie at the Compact Cable Television Company, figured out that the aliens were using the humans’ satellites against them in order to transmit a hidden signal. The aliens positioned their spacecraft over major cities and planned to strike and annihilate most of the human race within six hours. David called his ex-wife, Connie, and tried to tell her to leave D.C., but she didn’t believe him. Captain Steven Hiller, a Marine fighter pilot with the Black Knight Squadron, was called to the El Toro base in California. His girlfriend Jasmine Dubrow didn’t want him to leave, so he offered for her and her young son Dylan (under six years old) to go to the base if they wanted to. Steven gave Dylan firecrackers to play with. David convinced his Jewish dad Julius to drive them to D.C. so David could tell President Whitmore about his findings in person. In Imperial Valley, California, Russell Casse was a crop-duster after being a fighter pilot in the Vietnam War veteran. He claimed that his eccentric behavior derived from being abducted by aliensand experimented on ten years before, and nobody believed him because he was an alcoholic but some joked that the aliens sexually abused him. Russell was arrested for spreading leaflets over city hall, but he was quickly released because of the alien invasion. Russell’s eldest son, Miguel, wanted nothing to do with drunken Russell and planned to take his sister Alicia and younger brother Troy to Uncle Hector’s house in Tucson. Miguel dragged teen Alicia away from her boyfriend whom she had been planning to have sex with so she wouldn’t die a virgin. Russell’s three kids later decided to go with him, and they joined the caravan of others campers traveling through the desert to safety. Steven had applied to be an astronaut at NASA, but he received a rejection letter. Steven was planning to marry Jasmine, but his friend and fellow fighter pilot Jimmy Wilder told him that marrying a stripper like Jasmine would never get him an astronaut career. Jimmy thought Steven ought to end it with the stripper. Meanwhile, Jasmine took young Dylan to work with her at the strip club in LA. Jasmine’s friend and coworker, Tiffany, wanted to be part of the crowds holding signs to welcome the aliens but Jasmine made Tiffany promise not to go and greet the aliens. Jasmine decided to leave the club and go to the base where Steven was with Dylan, so her boss Mario fired her on the spot. David and Julius made it to the White House.  David tracked Connie’s phone signal using satellites to figure out where she was inside the building so when he called his ex-wife again, he told her to look out the window and she saw him and her ex-father in law waving at her behind the White House gates. As it happened, David (still wearing his wedding ring after many years of divorce) had started a fistfight with President Whitmore before he was president because David thought Whitmore and Connie were having an affair. David explained everything to Whitmore and announced that they only had 30 minutes until the big attack. Three helicopters were sent up into the air to try and communicate with the spacecraft over D.C., but it blasted all three helicopters and they went up in flames. The police tried to evacuate the inhabitants of the cities, and First Lady Marilyn was taken to safety while everyone from the White House was evacuated onto Air Force One. Tiffany blew off her promise to Jasmine and joined the demonstrators on the roof of a building in LA begging the aliens to take them away. The countdown was over and the spacecraft blasted the building and killed all the people on top of it. The other spacecraft blasted cities around the world, and David’s feminine acting coworker, Marty Gilbert, died in the NYC explosion. The White House was struck and went up in flames, and the Statue of Liberty was felled. The cities were all left in ruins with many casualties. Air Force One just barely made it into the air ahead of the racing flames that ravaged the city. Most of the people that tried to leave the cities were stuck in traffic and couldn’t escape. Jasmine Dubrow was among them and got out on foot with Dylan and their dog Boomer. They made it to safety in a maintenance room before the flames could engulf them. On July 3, President Whitmore got the news that they lost contact with the helicopter that was taking his wife Marilyn to safety out of LA. Steven, Jimmy and the Black Knights fighter pilots were sent up into the air to blast the LA spaceship with missiles. However, the spaceship had a protective shield so the missiles had no effect on it, and it released hundreds of smaller spaceships to shoot down the planes. Many pilots went down and the rest were told to abort the mission so no more lives would be lost. Jimmy removed his mask because he said, “I can’t breathe, “and his plane was shot at by a spaceship and it exploded. The UFOs started shooting up the bases on the ground, and Steven was able to escape by ejecting from his plane. Steven found a downed UFO and punched out the octopus-like alien inside, and then he dragged it through the desert until Russell picked him up in his RV. Julius told Connie that all she and David needed was love, per John Lennon (who was shot and murdered). One of the spaceships destroyed NORAD, and President Whitmore was advised to launch a counteroffensive nuclear strike.The President was skeptical and David (save the planet man) also protested. Albert Nimziki, the secretary of defense and former CIA director, revealed that he misled President Whitmore and everyone else to believe that the government never recovered an alien spaceship from Roswell when they did. Air Force One then headed to Area 51, where Dr. Brackish Okun was the head scientist and he was eccentric because he hadn’t left the secret base in 15 years. Dr. Okun showed President Whitmore the spaceship they had been trying to fix for 40 years and explained that the controls inside it turned on just recently when the spaceships appeared on Earth. Dr. Okun revealed that they had been preserving three alien bodies that had died when the spaceship crashed in Roswell. They were similar to humans and could be killed easily, but they communicated with each other telepathically and had a much more advanced society. Steven then got through the gates with Russell after showing the guards the alien with them and then delivered the still-alive body of the alien to Area 51 folks, and the scientists took it into custody. Russell was able to get medical attention for Troy, who was very sick and throwing up. The spaceships attacked other major US cities, and it was predicted that all the cities in the world might be destroyed within 36 hours. Steven learned that El Toro base had been destroyed, so he feared for Jasmine and Dylan’s lives but they were still alive because they weren’t there yet. Jasmine and Dylan then arrived at the destroyed El Toro with a few survivors they had picked up, including Marilyn who suffered from internal bleeding that couldn’t be stopped after her helicopter crashed. The Area 51 scientists dissected the alien body, but it was still alive and attacked them. The alien communicated to President Whitmore through Dr. Okun (Okun died right after) and explained that there would be no peace and everyone would die. The alien zapped President Whitmore’s mind, so the security shot the alien dead. President Whitmore was able to see in his mind the aliens’ plan to destroy every planet in the galaxy. Whitmore gave the order for the first nuclear strike to occur over Houston, and the missile hit the spacecraft but did not destroy it. Steven took a military helicopter and searched for Jasmine and Dylan, and he rescued them and the survivors who were camping out at El Toro. Marilyn was rushed to a hospital but there was nothing that could be done for her. She regretted not coming home from the cities when Whitmore asked her to, and husband President Whitmore and daughter Patricia said their goodbyes to Marilyn before she died. On July 4th, David was discouraged that they were losing and resorted to alcohol but Julius cheered him up and gave him an idea. David explained that they might be able to use the alien’s signal against them and disable the shields around the spaceships by flying the alien’s spaceship at Area 51 into space and uploading a computer virus to the mother ship. The fighter pilots would then only have a few minutes to destroy the spaceships while the shields were down. Nimziki protested against the plan, so President Whitmore fired the weasel. Europe, the Middle East and Asia joined forces and formed combat squadrons to battle the aliens when the time came. USA Pilots were in short supply, so anyone with flight experience was recruited to fly the jets. Russell joined up and so did President Whitmore, who flew jets in the Gulf War. Steven and David offered and were then granted permission to fly the alien ship into space. A clergyman married Steven and Jasmine (Dolphin shape wedding ring) at a small ceremony with Dylan and David and Connie were their witnesses. It seemed as though David and Connie rekindled their romantic relationship there too. President Whitmore gave a speech and announced that the Fourth of July was now a worldwide holiday called Independence Day since everyone was fighting for his or her lives and not for tyranny and persecution. Steven liked to smoke cigars once the fat lady sang and after they achieved victory (Maverick and Goose), so Julius gave Steven two cigars and then prayed in Hebrew that he hadn’t done since his wife’s death. Steven and David flew the spaceship out into space, and the aliens mistook them for fellow aliens and thus brought them into their mother ship. David successfully uploaded the virus, and President Whitmore fired a missile at one of the spaceships but it did nothing. President Whitmore fired again against Space Command’s orders and this time the alien warcraft took a direct hit. The other pilots fired their missiles and slowly destroyed the spaceship. The smaller spaceships fired at the pilots and blew up the area outside Area 51, so the civilians outside the compound were brought to safety inside the base. Over sexed and unsupervised teen Alicia told her new boyfriend that she didn’t want to die a virgin, and he admitted that he was a virgin too and would stay that way. All the pilots except Russell ran out of firepower, but Russell’s missile was jammed so Russell committed suicide to save the world and flew his jet with missiles into the center of the spacecraft to destroy it. The successful instructions of how to destroy the aliens were then spread around the world so the other countries could wipe out the rest of the invaders. Steven and David got stuck inside their spaceship and couldn’t leave the mother ship, so they lit their cigars and fired a missile thinking that was the end of their lives. However, the two men were able to escape from the mother ship before the other spacecraft took them down. Space Command had lost contact with Steven and David and were worried that they were dead, but then their alien spaceship appeared back on radar and they crashed on Earth and they survived. President Whitmore, Jasmine and Connie rode went out to greet them as Steven and David walked away from the crash site. President Whitmore congratulated David, and the fireworks that Steven promised Dylan came in the form of missiles striking and burning up the alien aircraft. This movie had a budget of $75 million and grossed over $817 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, The News Tribune, “Be ready to be boggled by the blockbuster that beats all others by a light year!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/24/24

TITLE:  Loser 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000  Columbia Pictures / Branti Film Productions / Cockamamie Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with older teen Paul Tannek leaving small town Clairmont to go off to New York University in New York City. Paul graduated from Jackson High where he was voted the funniest guy. Paul had a full scholarship with a meal plan. Paul’s family threw him a party and Grandpa gave him money, but Paul didn’t take it. Paul’s dad gave him a military tip about how to make friends with people from all walks of life and that was to look people in the eye and listen to their stories and be interested in them. However, nobody at college wanted to be around Paul and laughed when he made a fool of himself. Professor Edward Alcott, the literature teacher, had a romantic relationship with a female student, Dora Diamond, and kept that a secret since he was putting his career in jeopardy. Alcott didn’t want to end up like co-worker Professor Brown who lost his tenure for dating a student. The board frowned upon students and teachers dating since a teacher aka professor is supposed to be a mentor and have morals and HIS example for God’s children. Paul’s roommate, Chris, blasted music and spanked himself and then told Paul that nobody liked him and to not be himself and to drink beer like everyone else and not be a study geek. Some dorm students played co-ed Truth or Dare, and that questionable game led to Chris and his girlfriend breaking up in the hallway where she threw things. Dora worked as a waitress at a strip club and wore revealing clothing to pay for college and she was told by her female co-worker to take small bills from customers and then when they got drunk she could get the large bills and not give them the change because they were too drunk to notice and keep the extra for herself. Dora lost track of time at the bar and then missed the last train home for the night. Dora called her mom to say she would stay the night at the dorm. Dora paid a homeless lady to tell Dora’s mom that she was the dorm security and the place was safe because Dora knew her mom would call right back to that payphone using *69. Dora then sleet at the train station. Paul cleaned up after his roommates’ messes when the waterbed (not allowed in the dorm) broke. The three mean gang roommates from wealthy families, Adam, Chris and Noah, all believed that Paul was a loser, so they threw his toothbrush in the garbage knowing Paul had little money to replace it and they plotted to get rid of him. Dora still didn’t qualify for financial aid at her school and was told to get herself emancipated from her parents because she wanted to apply for work-study.  She needed to get her own place to live in order to prove that she wasn’t dependent on her parents’ tax return, but Dora couldn’t afford housing because she used all her money for her tuition. The worker wasn’t helpful, especially when Dora was told to get a second job, which wasn’t realistic when she was trying to go to college full-time. The three roomies who were drug and sex addicted students then called a meeting (convincingly fooled by ganging together) and lied to a black male school official that Paul was the one not doing chores and he was racist and constantly said racial slurs. Paul played along with it so he could get moved to a different dorm roombecause he couldn’t study around the delinquent others and their constant ungodly partying ways. As it turned out, Paul was sent to live at the local animal clinic because the school claimed there was no more housing, where he was given a small room to sleep in with kenneled animals and was assigned chores like cleaning out the waste from cages. Victor, the strip club boss, told Dora that she was fired because she was only making half the money that the other females because instead of giving the customers lap dances, Dora had conversations with people which the owner believed being too smart didn’t make money and since Dora wouldn’t dumb herself down for the job to get the customers to buy more drinks she was let go. After a male student named O’Brien died from an alcohol and drug induced coma inside the NY Hunts Hall dorm room, the police checked backpacks for drugs and alcohol inside the school. Paul asked Professor Alcott to let him have the English literature class as a pass-fail so he could maintain his GPA and not get kicked out of the University, but Alcott refused (Paul sat next to Dora in class and she was nice to Paul). Alcott got the sex he wanted from Dora and then announced that he didn’t care she got fired from her job, was homeless and might not be able to pay for her tuition. She wanted to stay with Alcott, but he refused to let her even though she (his student) typed his class papers and graded the professor’s tests for him. Paul’s old roommate, Chris and his other two gangbanger roomie buddies were mad that they could no longer have parties in their dorm rooms. The trio decided they would have a party in the vet clinic with access to the medication and tricked gullible Paul into trusting them again. Dora interviewed for night-shift jobs but couldn’t get hired because it was a rough city and it was too dangerous for a girl to work at night. Adam was there and chimed in at the convenient store that it was sexual discrimination and invited Dora to the animal clinic party while she waited for her date with Paul at the Everclear concert that Paul had got them tickets to. Paul was already at the concert waiting on Dora. The partying college kids messed around with the sheltered animals and treated them badly after removing them from their cages. Some of the partygoers played doctor and dressed in scrubs while putting the drugged women on the animal-operating table. Noah drugged Dora many times so he could have sex with her and the other New York University students continued drugging Dora at the party until she passed out in the bathroom and missed the concert. Paul came back to the animal clinic to find the party over and the place trashed, and he cleaned it up and helped the innocent animals by putting them back inside their cages. Paul found Dora on the floor leaning over the toilet and couldn’t wake her up, so he took her to the hospital. Dora had listed Professor Alcott as her next of kin on her student card, but he denied knowing Dora when the doctors called him. Dora couldn’t stay at the hospital per the doctors and medical staff after she was medically treated, so Paul said he was Dora’s boyfriend and he took care of her at the animal hospital until she woke up a few days later. Dora then admitted that Alcott was her boyfriend, so Paul gave Dora flowers and a note saying they were from Alcott to make her happy. Chris lied to Paul again that they only had beer at the party, and Dora was already drugged when she was at a liquor store and threw herself all over Noah. Paul’s old richy rich roommates came up with a plan to get transferred from their failed classes to Alcott’s class, where they would blackmail Alcott into giving them all an easy A by threatening to reveal that he was sleeping with Dora. The students successfully made the deal with the rogue teacher, and Alcott agreed to give Paul the same deal if he wanted it but the professor refused to listen to Paul about Dora and Dora’s homelessness and downward spiral health. Professor Alcott lied to Paul that Dora had a crush on him and it was nothing more (as the old roomies didn’t tell Paul their blackmail plan to get a passing grade). Dora got Paul a new non-Fargo hat from the lost and found, and when they returned to the clinic they saved a newborn kitten and the new mother cat there accepted it. Dora went to job interviews but was turned away from the place that required her to be a union employee. Dora left the agency that wanted her to take off her clothes for pictures at a free photo shoot that she would not get paid unless a client hired her after looking at her photos. Dora interrupted Paul in class and told Paul about her new job that would pay for all her college. She would take a fertility shot every day to multiply the eggs growing inside her, and then the doctors would operate and give the eggs to infertile couples. Paul and Dora went to the museum that Dora had a pass for and then Dora stole bread from a Italian store as they walked by on the sidewalk, and then Dora showed Paul how to sneak into a gay Broadway play without paying. Paul went to all the trouble of getting pizza and a movie for Dora, but Dora went to stay with Processor Alcott and actually spend the night at his place. Paul gave Dora some information about how the fertility drugs she was taking could cause serious side effects like cancer. Dora hung out with Professor Alcott more often, and he told her about the students who blackmailed him and Dora assumed that Paul was one of them since the professor made her believe that. Professor Alcott treated Dora like a slave and wanted her to be quiet when he didn’t want to talk while together because he thought it was Dora’s fault that the rich students were blackmailing him. The roommates told Dora on the street when they ran into each other that she inspired a scheme of theirs to get higher GPA scores. They would target single professors and set them up with men and women posing as legal age, but after they had a relationship with the professors they would use fake IDs to show that they were underage. Dora didn’t want anything to do with it. Noah gave Paul some date-rape pills that they were planning to use at their next party (and obviously used at many parties before that). Paul bought some Gingko pills that looked similar to the date-rape ones but wouldn’t make the women pass out so the abusive men could have sex with them. Paul swapped the pills when he visited the New York University junkie ex roomies and threw out the bad ones in the trashcan outside Hunt’s Hall. However, the roommates tested the pills on some girls in a bar and found out that the pills didn’t work. They realized that Paul was messing with them, so Chris confronted Paul about it and they got into a fight. Paul discovered that Professor Alcott was having an affair with Kristen when he visited the man in his office inside the University. Alcott gave Paul his “early” final exam and announced that he was also getting the special treatment that his roommates were by getting the test early to take it home and complete. Paul wasn’t aware of the blackmail deal until that moment and then wanted nothing to do with it because he couldn’t be bought. Paul assured the Professor (without HIS morals) that he didn’t plan on saying anything about it to the dean or anything about Alcott sleeping with another student to Dora. Professor Alcott next took Dora to get fancy designer clothes so she didn’t look like a punk rock Goth girl and a hair makeover at Bliss so he could take her to Thanksgiving dinner to meet his parents and introduce her as his teaching assistant and not his girlfriend. Professor Alcott then revealed to Dora that Paul wasn’t in on his roommates’ scheme and Alcott planned to give Paul a B instead of the B+ that he needed to keep his scholarship. Dora walked away from the Professor speaking Italian and flirting with the high end female department store clerk. Paul called his dad, and Dora overheard Paul say that he liked her and he wanted to come home because he didn’t fit in among the New York orgy society. Dora later showed up at Paul’s animal clinic home and told Paul about Professor Alcott’s plan to give him a lower grade so he would be kicked out of school. Paul revealed that he knew Alcott would be a jerk so Paul had already dropped the class and that class would have no effect on his grade. Paul said he wanted to fit in which was the reason he cut his hair George Clooney style and Dora liked it, and then the two teens kissed passionately. At the end of the flick, it was said that Chris’s hairplug operation went wrong and he had no personality to fall back on. Adam got a job with a corporate firm, but his coworkers used him as their scapegoat and set him up to take the fall so Adam went to jail. Noah attempted to develop a stronger Date Rape party drug, and he took the medication himself and ended up so brain-dead that he had to relearn how to retie his shoes. Professor Alcott went to jail for 3 to 5 years for having an affair with 17-year-old Kristen (perhaps scam roomies set up), and Dora moved into the animal hospital using the animal hospital’s address which got her the financial aid and so she didn’t have to sell her eggs because Paul had first dibs on them. The movie cover art listed, Bill Bregoli, Westwood One Radio, “Hip, witty and charming with a terrific young cast!” Ralph Garman, KROQ Radio, “A great date movie! You’ll fall in love with Mena Suvari. Jason Biggs gives a great performance.”  This film was released prior to 9/11.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/23/24

TITLE:  What Happens In Vegas 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008  20th Century Fox / Regency Enterprises / 21 Laps Entertainment / Mosaic Media Group / Dune Entertainment / Penn Station Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in New York, where Jack Fuller, Jr., had sex with his gal pal. Neither of the young adults was serious about their relationship and spent their time playing sex games where she dressed up as a Girl Scout and the next week planned to be a mother of the baby in a fire where jack would dress as a sexy fireman. Jack worked for his dad, Jack Sr., at his parent’s closet company. But then, Jack’s dad fired him for being a slacker who quit things and never finished them when he thought he would lose. Meanwhile, Joy McNally was a hardcore stockbroker. Joy threw her fiancé, Mason, a surprise birthday party and was going to give him tickets to Las Vegas for the two of them. However, Mason arrived and quickly announced that he didn’t want to marry Joy, so he broke up with her on the spot and kicked her out of his house (after telling Joy he appreciated all the sex things she did with him, especially with his butt while the surprise party guests listened in.) Joy’s friend Toni “Tipper” Saxson offered to send her friends to Mason’s home later on and junkpunch him in the private parts. Tipper then convinced Joy that the two of them should go to Las Vegas and party to forget about their troubles. Jack had the same idea and went to Vegas with his friend Jeffrey “Hater” Lewis. All four of New Yorkers got booked into the same room, so the men walked into the women’s room thinking they had the room all to themselves. Tipper was in her bra and underwear and Joy came from the shower with a towel wrapped around her, and they screamed and attacked Jack and Hater. They thought the men were gay because of the pink boa but they clarified that they were not. Joy convinced the hotel manager Curtis to give them penthouse suites at Planet Hollywood. Jack dared Joy to have a drink with him, and the two of them went around the city with Tipper and Hater gambling and getting wasted. Jack and Joy slept together, and the next morning they vaguely remembered what happened then night before in their drunken stupor. They quickly discovered that they had got married the previous night, while Tipper and Hater made out passionately at the Vegas wedding chapel.  Jack and Joy quickly broke up with each other around the slot machines, but then he put her quarter in the slot machine and won the $3 million jackpot. Jack and Joy argued over whose money it was and then took it to court in New York. Hater represented Jack as his lawyer, and Judge R.D. Whopper wasn’t pleased about what happened and claimed that it was people like Jack and Joy who were destroying the sanctity of marriage and not gay people. Judge Whopper froze the $3 million and sentenced Jack and Joy to six months of hard marriage with weekly marital counseling with Dr. Twitchell. If they succeeded they would get $1.5 million each, but if they failed to make it work then Whopper would fine them until all the money was gone and not let them get divorced at all. Joy was ordered by the court to move into Jack’s apartment. She cleaned up his messes, including the dishes that Jack peed on that were in the sink. Jack did this because Joy refused to share the bathroom with him until he eventually removed the door. One time, Jack put his hands down his pants and played with himself and then took popcorn from Joy’s bowl. Joy’s boss Richard “Dick” Banger had a spot open for only one employee and he would decide if it would be Joy or her female coworker, Chong, who would get a promotion. Dr. Twitchell wasn’t fooled by Jack and Joy’s show of fake love interactions and she refused to report that they were working on their marriage until they actually tried. Hater and Tipper convinced Jack and Joy to come up with ways to get out of the marriage and get all the money for themselves, which included kidnapping Joy or making it look like she gave Jack crabs. Jack drugged Joy’s smoothie drink to make her act out of character at work. Joy sent floozies to Jack’s apartment to try and seduce him so he would cheat on Joy. Jack and Hater then invited guys to the party to ignore Joy completely and tick her off, and male and female strippers posing as police officers joined the party. Jack accused Joy of still being in love with Mason, and she took off her engagement ring purchased for $30,000 and left it in the shared apartment. Joy admitted to Jack at the party that she was tired of trying to be the person Mason wanted to be and she still didn’t think she was good enough for him after four years of dating. Hater and Dave “The Bear” gave Jack a black eye, and he fake cried to Dr. Twitchell that Joy beat him up. Dr. Twitchell believed it until Joy showed her the video footage that she took of the fight between Jack and his buddies as they talked about pinning the blame on Joy. Jack’s mechanic girlfriend from earlier then impersonated a secretary at Dr. Twitchell’s office and called Joy on the phone to tell her that the weekly counseling session was canceled so Joy would miss it and be charged with contempt of court but Jack would attend and it would appear that he cared about the marriage and Joy did not. Joy figured it out after calling Dr. Twitchell’s office and seeing Jack rushing off to the appointment. Joy tried to take a cab, but Jack had stolen her wallet so Joy paid for the ride by exposing one of her breasts to the NY cab driver. Jack and Joy raced each other to the session and arrived frazzled but in time. Another day, Joy invited Jack’s dad and mom, Judy, to dinner, and they absolutely liked Joy after she told them a story about how she married their son. Joy made a deal with Jack that she would keep pretending the marriage wasn’t a sham to his parents if he put the bathroom door back and kept the toilet seat down, which Jack agreed to. To get back at Joy for bringing his parents into his messy lifestyle, Jack found Joy’s engagement ring and returned it to Mason, and he told Mason about Joy’s insecurities and the picnic they were having with Jack’s family knowing that Mason would show up to see the new and improved Joy. Mason went to see Joy at the Brooklyn party and she was surprised to see him there. Meanwhile, Hater convinced Jack to attend Joy’s weekend work retreat and be friendly with everyone but then force Joy to sign a document giving up her rights to the money otherwise Jack would out her at the work party in front of her boss an co-workers and their spouses. Dick nicknamed Jack “Jack-Off,” and gave him a Golden Handshake award. Jack gave a speech about how he and Joy met, and Joy was worried that he would out her but he left out the details. Jack and Joy danced and kissed for the audience, and Chong was upset that her husband wasn’t concerned about her career and was instead eating the gourmet food and enjoying the high dollar weekend vacation. Later on, Joy told Jack that she was happiest when she left the city and went to the lighthouse and boardwalk to de-stress. She was able to relax there because she didn’t have to answer to anyone but herself. Minutes before Joy went to court because the six month period was up, Mason appeared on the street and told Joy that he wanted to get back together with her and said that she was enough for him. (Joy realized that Jack had visited Mason and told her what she told Jack in private so Jack could hurt Joy more). Mason gave Joy the ring back, and she walked away with it to her court hearing. Dr. Twitchell testified under oath that Jack and Joy would be perfect for each other if they could fix their problems. Jack and Joy had already spent $25,000 each, her on credit card bills and him on furniture business supplies, so now they would equally get $1.4 million. However, Joy didn’t want any of the money and just a divorce, so Judge Whopper granted it and Joy gave Jack the Mason engagement ring. Hater was ecstatic that he won his first case. Dick gave Joy the promotion at work, but Joy handed it over to Chong who appeared as though she would kill for it anyway. Joy then announced that she would rather not have a job than be unhappy with the one she had. Jack’s parents told him that he made a mistake and needed to fix it, so he went to Tipper and figured out that Joy went to her favorite lighthouse. Jack took a ferry to the many beaches until he found Joy at the lighthouse beach, and he gave her back the picture she had took years ago when she first visited the lighthouse. They made amends and kissed, and Jack proposed to Joy. They agreed to get married again and share the jackpot. This movie had a budget of $35 million and grossed over $219 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, The Washington Post, “Hits the jackpot!” Chicago Sun-Times, “A fun-filled romp!” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/21/24

TITLE:  O Brother, Where Art Thou? 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000 Touchstone Pictures / Universal Pictures / Studio Canal / Working Title Films / Blind Bard Pictures / Buena Vista Distribution / Momentum Pictures / BAC Films / Universal International Pictures 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began on a prison farm in Mississippi in 1937, where the prisoners crushed rocks with sledgehammers. Ulysses Everett McGill escaped but was forced to bring along Pete Hogwallop and Delmar O’Donnell since they were chained to him. The trio stole chickens to eat from the first rural farm they came across and then hitched a ride with a blind old man on the railroad who predicted that they would not find the treasure that Everett buried and they were now searching for. The treasure was supposedly worth $1.2 million and they would get $400,000 each, and they only had four days to find it before the river was dammed in order to hydroelectric the valley. The three felons headed to the Hogwallop family horse farm to get help from Pete’s cousin, Washington Bartholomew “Wash.” Wash’s wife had run away, and Wash’s young tween son held a gun on the escaped convicts when they arrived. Wash removed the chains from the three prison men and they all ate week-old horse meat stew. That night, Wash betrayed the lawbreakers by turning them into the machine gun-wielding police, so Pete was angry and threatened to kill his cousin. The police set the barn on fire to drive the criminals out, but Wash’s son rescued them in a car and then they took the car and sent the boy home. The car broke down and it would take two weeks to get the part to fix it, so the escapees set out on foot. Pete was angry when he discovered that Everett stole a watch from Wash and sold it to buy another car, and Everett denied it when confronted. A white-clad congregation then appeared, and Delmar and Pete (not Everett) got baptized so they would be forgiven for their sins. Everett refused baptism because he was an unbeliever who often swore and took God’s name in vain. The convicts bought a car and gave a ride to a black hitchhiker named Tommy Johnson, who was headed to the WEZY radio station in Tishomingo to meet with Mr. Lund the blind manager and get a job singing and playing his guitar on the radio. When Everett learned that there was money to be had in being on the radio, he introduced himself to the blind man as Jordan Rivers and his three companions as the Soggy Bottom Boys band. They claimed that they were black and sang the bluegrass “Man of Constant Sorrow.” Mr. Lund liked it and paid the foursome $10 each, and Tommy stayed behind. Pete planned to use his share of the money to open a restaurant and be the maître d’, and Delmar wanted to buy back his family farm that was being foreclosed on. Everett had no idea what he would do with his share. They had to abandon the car when the police found them and officers burned the barn they had been sleeping in. The cons got a ride with George Nelson, a bank robber who was currently on the run from the police. George was serious sick in the head (like Bonnie and Clyde) and shot a machine gun at the police and then shot up the cows in a nearby field with his machine gun because he hated cows as much as he hated police. A police car ended up driving into one of the cows that crossed the road running scared from George’s terror attack. George and the other three fugitives made it to another town. George held up the bank and got irate when someone called him by his name Babyface. George then had second thoughts and ran off into the night leaving the Everett gang with all of his stolen money. Meanwhile, Mr. Lund learned that the Soggy Bottom Boys’ song was very popular and was selling out everywhere so they needed to be tracked down and signed to a contract. The three men on the run almost got caught when they tried to hitchhike and a prison truck went by with a bunch of prisoners in the back. Three singing women in the woods called sirens then attempted to seduce them. They almost had sex with the “whores of Babylon,” but didn’t. When they woke up, Delmar was horrified to discover that Pete was gone and all that remained were his clothes. A toad emerged from the clothes, and Delmar was convinced that the sirens turned Pete into the toad. Everett and Delmar continued on their way and met Big Dan Teague, a questionable Bible salesman who agreed to teach them the ways of his trade. Menelaus “Pappy” O’Daniel was the bad-tempered and foul-mouthed governor of Mississippi who was running for re-election. He hated his son and advisors who couldn’t figure out how to make his campaign better than that of his rival Homer Stokes who was giving Pappy a run for his money. Pappy had spoken on the WEVY radio after the Soggy Bottom Boys left. Big Dan then revealed that he was really a fraud who was using the Word of God to make a fortune and swindle people out of their money. The fake Bible man Dan turned against Everett and Pete and beat them up with a stick to steal their money. Big Dan squished the life out of the toad and threw it against the tree before he left. Meanwhile, the real Pete resurfaced and was captured by the police, who whipped him and were about to hang him but Sheriff Cooley stopped them. Everett and Delmar drove through a prison camp and thought they saw Pete crushing rocks. At a rally led by Homer, Everett encountered his three daughters who couldn’t believe he was alive because their mom Penny Wharvey-McGill, Everett’s ex-wife, told the girls that their dad got hit by a train. They revealed that Penny was getting married to Vernon T. Waldrip, Homer’s campaign manager, so Everett tried to talk Penny out of marrying Vernon. As it turned out, Everett sired four other daughters, including a new female baby he never knew about so in all there were seven girls. Everett got into a fight with Vernon and Everett was the loser, so he warned Delmar to stay away from conniving women. The chain-gang was brought to the theater where Everett and Delmar were watching a movie, and Pete was with them and warned his buddies not to go after the treasure because Sheriff Cooley kept Pete alive so he would spill the beans about the treasure. The police then set up an ambush so they could catch the convicts when they tried to retrieve the treasure. Everett and Delmar rescued Pete from prison that night, and he explained that the wicked singing siren females turned him into the police. Everett revealed that there was no treasure and he got arrested for practicing law without a license. Everett said he planned his escape from prison immediately when he found out that Penny was getting remarried. Pete attacked Everett for ruining his life because Pete would have been released from prison in two weeks but now the breakout added 50 years to his sentence, especially for being with George while trying to murder police officers. The outlaws then encountered the Ku Klux Klan, led by Homer, who had captured Tommy and were planning to lynch him because they claimed that he sold his soul to the devil. The KKK was against black people, Jews, Catholics and people who claimed that humans were descended from monkey. Big Dan (ungodly fake Christian man) was one of the Klansmen. Everett, Pete, and Delmar disguised themselves as Klan members and were able to rescue Tommy. The foursome then showed up at a gathering that was being attended by the governor candidates. Pappy tried to convince Vernon to be his campaign manager but Vernon refused. Everett told Penny that he wanted her and the girls to leave the state with him but she wouldn’t. The three illegals and Tommy sang their hit song, and everyone recognized them as the Soggy Bottom Boys and the large crowd in attendance loved them. Homer recognized them and told everyone that they were escaped convicts who desecrated a KKK ritual to save Tommy. Everyone booed Homer and threw things at him, and then he was taken away and the prison gang continued their toe-tapping performance. Governor Pappy took his chance to get votes to win the next election and falsely claimed that he was a Christian and that he pardoned on the spot the Soggy Bottom Boys of any past wrongdoing out of the kindness of his heart. Everyone applauded Governor Pappy, and he promised to include the foursome in his brain trust (political advisors). Penny called off her marriage to Vernon and decided to remarry Everett. She thought Everett hadn’t changed like he said he did because Everett was the same old person and wanted to use Vernon’s ring for the wedding. Penny said wouldn’t marry Everett unless he used her old wedding ring which was back in the cabin. Everett didn’t want to retrieve it so Penny walked away. George was finally arrested and was proudly yelling that he would be electrocuted to death in the chair as he was escorted down the town street with a mob of people trailing behind. Everett and gang headed to the cabin to get the wedding ring, where Sheriff Cooley and the police surrounded them. The small town Sheriff claimed that he didn’t have a radio to hear the Governor’s instant pardon, so they had prepared three nooses and three graves for the criminals. The threesome prayed to God for help, and then the river flooded through the valley and saved them. Pete and Delmar were convinced that God chose to spare them, but Everett still refused to believe that it was God’s doing and insisted that there was a scientific explanation. They and Tommy found the ring in a desk from the cabin, but then Penny announced that the ring belonged to a relative and wasn’t hers. Everett refused to retrieve Penny’s ring from the bottom of the lake, so she walked away from him and the old blind seer went by on the railroad cart. This movie had a budget of $26 million and grossed over $71 million at the box office. The movie covert art listed, Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune, “The best film of the year!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/20/24

TITLE:  Top Gun: Maverick 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2022 Paramount Pictures / Skydance / Don Simpson / Jerry Bruckheimer Films / TC Productions / New Republic Pictures 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: In 1969, the US Navy started an academy called TOPGUN for the top one percent of the fighter pilot class. In present day, Captain Pete “Maverick” Mitchell was a test pilot in the Mojave Desert where he had been for the last three years after he ticked off another admiral. Admiral Chester “Hammer” Cain was headed to Maverick’s location to shut down the failed Darkstar program because the plane had never reached a speed of Mach 10. Maverick launched the plane anyway before the admiral showed up and pushed it to 10. Upon arrival, Admiral Cain ordered that the plane land but Maverick pretended he lost radio connection and went past mach 10 speed and kept pushing the plane to go faster after that. It shut down at 10.3, and the controls shut down and then the radio did actually lose connection with home base. The plane crashed, but Maverick was able to eject and walked to a small town café where he was then picked up by a helicopter shortly after. Cain couldn’t understand why Maverick never retired or got promoted past captain and informed Maverick that robots would soon replace pilotsin the planes. Cain then announced that Admiral Tom “Iceman” Kazansky, the commander of the US Pacific Fleet and Maverick’s friend who always got him out of trouble, was calling Maverick back to TOPGUN in North Island in San Diego. Maverick learned from Admirals Solomon “Warlock” Bates and Beau “Cyclone” Simpson that the target for the next mission was a uranium enrichment plant that was built in violation of a NATO treaty and was threatening allies. The plant was located in an underground bunker in a valley, and the Pentagon assigned the Navy to start a strike team and destroy the plant before it was fully operational in three weeks. Maverick’s job was to teach 12 TOPGUN graduate lieutenants to hone their flying skills and then pick 6 to conduct the mission. The graduates were Fritz, Bob, Halo, Payback, Hangman, Rooster, Yale, Harvard, Fanboy, Coyote, Phoenix and Omaha. Maverick was skeptical after he discovered that Rooster was Bradley Bradshaw, the son of Maverick’s best friend and wingman Goose who died in a piloting accident. Maverick was cleared of any wrongdoing. Warlock and Cyclone threatened to end Maverick’s Navy career if he didn’t take the assignment so he reluctantly agreed. Maverick ran into his old girlfriend and single mother, Penny Benjamin, at the bar she now owned once he reached San Diego. Penny claimed that Maverick disrespected her, so she made him pay for everyone’s drinks including those of the TOPGUN graduates. However, Maverick’s card was declined and he couldn’t pay so the graduates threw him out of the bar and he landed on the ground outside. After seeing Rooster singing “Great Balls of Fire” and playing the piano through the window, Maverick remembered when he and Goose were singing that many years ago at a bar with little Rooster and his mom. There was a flashback of the accident where Goose wasn’t able to eject from his plane in time and the plane crashed and killed Goose. Penny noticed a connection between Maverick and Rooster. In class, the lieutenants couldn’t believe that their instructor turned out to be the person they kicked out of the bar. Maverick threw the plane manual in the trash and explained that the enemies knew it just as well as they did so the students would practice outside the box. Maverick took the students all up into the air (one on one) so they could find out their limits, and anybody that got shot down by Maverick’s plane had to do 200 push-ups and he downed all of them. Rooster brought his personal life into his combat training, a habit that could lead to failure on a mission, and almost crashed his plane when he went one-on-one dogfighting with Maverick. Rooster explained to Phoenix, the only female graduate, that Maverick pulled Rooster’s application to the Naval Academy and set him back four years of his life. The officials were irate that Maverick used dangerous maneuvers and almost got some of them killed in the first day of training and gambled with multi million dollar government aircraft. Hangman and Coyote saw a picture of Goose at the training facility and realized that Rooster resembled Goose in looks. Maverick went to pay off his debt at the bar in cash, and Penny’s daughter Amelia was there doing her homework with her dog Theo, since the bar wasn’t opened for business yet. Maverick left with Penny to fix her sailboat, and she taught him a few things and then they rode home on his motorcycle without wearing helmets. Maverick taught his class to fly under the radar instead of over it so they wouldn’t be detected and use low altitude to evade the enemy. The fighter pilots would be dead if they didn’t listen, and they only had two and a half minutes to get in and out. The altitude (high mountain peaks) and speed would also have a medical impact on their minds and bodies. Rooster was the only one who made it to the target during practice, but he was a minute late. Rooster told Maverick that it wasn’t the plane it was the pilot (that killed his dad). Hotshot Hangman provoked Rooster in class by telling everyone the history behind Goose, Rooster and Maverick, so Maverick dismissed the class after a fight broke out. Admiral Iceman was dying and his wife Sarah was upset, but he requested to speak with Maverick. Iceman couldn’t speak well, so he typed out his conversation with Maverick on the computer as Maverick was next to him. Iceman told Maverick that he wasn’t the man for the mission and it required someone younger so it was time to let go and teach Rooster how to fly. However, Maverick didn’t want Rooster to get killed and instead wanted to go in Rooster’s place. Iceman was able to speak and told Maverick that Rooster and the Navy needed Maverick and that was why Iceman fought for him. Maverick had the graduates play dogfight football on the beach and said they were both offense and defense at the same time and made a team out of them and showed Vice Admiral Beau “Cyclone” Simpson when he showed up to watch. Maverick and Penny went to her house to have sex while Amelia stayed at her friend Karen’s house. Maverick explained that he made a promise to Rooster’s mom Carol before she died not to let Rooster follow in Goose’s footstep, so Maverick set Rooster back by pulling his papers. Amelia then came home because Karen was sick, and Penny wanted to set an example for Amelia so she sent Maverick escaping out the two-story house window. He told Penny that he would never leave her again. Maverick jumped to the ground but Amelia spotted Maverick and she told him not to break her mom’s heart again. It was then announced that the uranium plant would become active one week ahead of schedule so that meant training was cut short by one week too. They needed two miracles to accomplish the near impossible mission, and the first team would open the target so the second team could destroy it with a bomb. The pilots then had to maneuver between mountains and rough terrain and try not to pass out. Coyote blacked out in his plane during practice, so Maverick was finally able to get Coyote to snap out of it and take control of his plane just before it crashed to the ground. Phoenix and her WSO (weapons systems officer) Bob then had a bird strike with their plane in the air and their engine caught fire. They ejected from the plane and it crashed and exploded into a mountain, and they went to the hospital. Maverick and Rooster had a heated argument about Goose, and then they got the news that Iceman died. Now that Admiral Iceman no longer had any pull over Maverick, Cyclone grounded Maverick permanently and took over the training. Penny told Maverick that the graduates were his pilots so he needed to find a way and not to give up. Cyclone changed the mission time to four minutes and informed the pilots that they fly above radar where they would be sitting ducks for enemy missiles. However, Maverick overrode the system controls in Cyclone’s class to show everyone how it was done. Maverick succeeded in hitting the target within two-and-a-half minutes in the government plane he stole. Afterward, Cyclone scolded Maverick for stealing an expensive aircraft and announced that he could have Maverick court-martialed but instead he would go against his better judgment and appoint Maverick team leader. Maverick told Penny the news. Maverick chose Rooster as his wingman and his Foxtrot teams as Phoenix and Bob and Payback and Fanboy. Maverick gave Rooster encouragement, and Chief Warrant Officer Bernie “Hondo” Coleman sensed that Maverick might be on a suicide mission. The Comanche satellites picked up two bandits on patrol that they didn’t expect on their two-and-a-half-minute mission, and Rooster, Payback and Fanboy fell behind the time schedule while the Tomahawks destroyed the enemy runway so they couldn’t launch any more planes. Both teams hit the target and destroyed the plant, and then missiles fired at the pilots. Maverick took a missile in his plane for Rooster and his plane went down, and the pilots didn’t see Maverick eject and wanted to circle back around to find him. Hangman also wanted to go search for Maverick, but Cyclone turned everyone down because it was too dangerous and ordered the strike team to return to the carrier boat. Maverick was still alive and was on the ground when an enemy helicopter spotted him and shot multiple times at him. Rooster arrived and saved Maverick’s life by shooting the helicopter down and then taking a missile hit. Rooster parachuted out of the plane to safety, and Maverick ran to find him uninjured. The two argued about who saved who but were both happy to be alive in the end and then stole an old Tomcat from the enemy runway, and they were able to take off and head back to the carrier. They encountered two fifth-generation fighter planes, and Rooster talked Maverick into an air dogfight. They downed one plane and then the other by flying low to confuse the second pilot’s targeting system. They were followed by a third plane, and the eject handles didn’t work so it seemed Maverick and Rooster were doomed. However, before they could be shot down, Hangman, arrived on scene and rescued them and claimed he was their savior, and exploded the enemy plane. They all returned to the carrier boat, where everyone celebrated the victory of the mission and Maverick and Rooster hugged it out. Maverick went to the bar to see Penny, and Jimmy the bartender told him that Penny and Amelia were out on a sailing trip when he went to Penny’s bar. The two females appeared again, and then Maverick and Penny went on a flight together. This movie had a budget of $170-177 million and grossed over $1.4 billion at the box office. The movie cover art listed, Erik Davis, Fandango “Absolutely terrific in every conceivable way.” Joey Paur, Geek Tyrant, “One of the greatest movies ever made.” Matt Neglia, Next Best Picture, “A high-octane spectacle, the likes of which the world has never seen before.” Emma Stefansky, Thrillist, “The perfect adrenaline rush.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/19/24

TITLE:  A Greater Yes – The True Story of Amy Newhouse 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR

PRODUCTION YEAR:  2009 Pureflix Entertainment / Dorsey Productions 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie is based on a true story and takes place in Pampa, North Texas. The movie began with Amy Newhouse, a 16-year-old Christian helping around school and practicing outdoor survival skills by camping in a tent in her parent’s backyard to prepare for her church group missionary trip to Africa for the summer. Amy’s parents, Nancy and Kevin, and her sisters, Sarah and Katie, brought some dinner to her, but Amy ran back inside when the phone rang then left her family to hang out with her boyfriend, Tyler. Tyler didn’t want Amy to leave, but she reassured him that they had their entire lives to spend together and she would only be gone for the summer. Nancy was concerned that Amy couldn’t raise the required $3,000 for the trip, but Amy was confident that it would work out. Nancy and Amy asked around for money, and made their first stop to elderly Mrs. Collison. Amy told Mrs. Collison that she really wanted to help Africans and formed an instant bond with the elder when Mrs. Collison explained that when she was much younger, she went to Guatemala for summer missionary work but then she lost all sight of her passion to help save the world and people in it. She didn’t want the same to happen to Amy, so the elder woman wrote the teenager Amy a check for the full $3000.00 amount and dated it May 7, 2000. While Amy was practicing volleyball at school one night, Amy witnessed outcast student Jordan who moved from Atlanta two years ago stealing money from the student council’s safe in the office. Amy didn’t say anything to anyone about what she witnessed. The principal soon questioned Amy’s so-called friend, Jessica, because Jessica was the treasurer and was responsible for the money. Jessica told Amy what happened and Amy still said nothing and let Jessica take the wrap for the stolen money. The female students then gang hated on Jessica and accused Jessica of stealing the money and making the students have to have their last homecoming dance in the sweaty gym. Amy travelled to Africa for the summer and seemed to have had an awesome experience. When she returned home to Texas from Africa she wasn’t into Tyler so much anymore and was instead determined to change Pampa into a better place because she mentioned how one tiny hut the church group built had changed one man’s life in Africa and he cried afterward. Another day at school, Amy told Jessica not to worry about the missing money. Amy then confronted Jordan about seeing him steal the money from school. Jordan told Amy that he had been doing his research on her and knew her siblings, and parents, where she lived, and other things (Jordan knew she saw him take the money). Smoker Jordan told Amy to turn him into the principal’s office since he wouldn’t turn himself in. In the classroom, Amy tried to tell the other students about the needy people in Africa, but they wouldn’t listen so she yelled at the obsessed kids more concerned with cell phones, and petty things until the teacher told her to calm down. Amy was upset and arranged a school prayer group every morning at 6:00 a.m. in the auditorium, which only one person other than Tyler attended. Amy invited Jordan to the group but he didn’t want to attend. Tyler and Jessica couldn’t understand why Amy started spending more time with Jordan and ate lunch with him every day. Jordan usually sat by himself and smoked cigarettes. Grandma gave Amy her large car as a gift and Amy called to thank Grandma on the phone but not before she drove her friends to the local Mexican food place to celebrate (and that was the last of Grandma in the movie). It wasn’t long after that that Amy started having pains and a cough, and the doctor diagnosed her with bronchitis and gave her a medication prescription. The local doctor told Amy to stay in bed but she went back to school shortly after. Tyler told Amy that everyone was gossiping about how she hung out with Jordan, who went to juvenile detention for stealing a car. Amy didn’t appear to be recovering from her bronchitis diagnosis and the medication did little to help so Amy and her parents went back to the doctor. The doctor then announced that there was a possible cancerous mass around Amy’s heart and she would need a test to confirm it. Amy told Tyler, and the next day Tyler prayed with the prayer group at school, with more students gradually attending as Amy returned to the doctor. The test results showed that Amy had cancer and the mass tumor was wrapped around the arteries in her heart and was pressing on her lungs. Since the surgery to remove the tumor was serious, the doctor sent her to Dr. Young at the Baptist St. Anthony’s hospital in Amarillo. Tyler agreed to lead the prayer group and pray for Amy at school in Amy’s absence. At Amy’s request, Tyler repeatedly invited Jordan to lunch with the other kids but he refused each time. The doctors couldn’t complete Amy’s operation because it would no doubt have killed her so instead they started her immediately on chemotherapy. The community of Pampa, including the school and Consuelo’s Mexican restaurant, put up posters for Amy to get well and sent her many cards. Nancy stayed with Amy in the hospital and Tyler visited her. Amy met her new roommate Ariel, a young girl who was afraid to start chemo. Amy was looking forward to going home, but Dr. Young informed her that she had to stay in the hospital because the treatment didn’t work and the tumor wasn’t shrinking. Amy started a much stronger treatment with worse side effects that caused her very severe pain. When Amy woke up on February 23, she was upset to discover that she was bald and lost her hair. The last thing Amy remembered was Valentine’s Day, and mom explained to her daughter that she had been in a coma for ten days. Kevin was upset with one of his daughters refusing to pray for Amy when saying grace at dinner because it didn’t do any good for the last two months and the sister was obviously bored with the whole situation. Kevin snapped at his daughter but then apologized and didn’t make her pray while mom was away at the hospital with Amy. Tyler got tired of everyone at school asking him how Amy was since her condition hadn’t changed. Young Ariel played games with roomie Amy and Amy wore a Dolly wig on her head to cover her baldness. Jordan showed up at the hospital to visit Amy and he told her that everyone was praying for her to get better and it wasn’t working, because Amy is still sick. Amy said she was okay with being the only person who truly believed she would heal because God only needed one person’s prayers. Ariel didn’t want to take her medicine every day, but Amy reassured her and discovered that little Ariel already had her first kiss already with Justin at school. Amy and Ariel went on to endure eight months of chemo together. Tyler visited Amy less. On April 14th, Dr. Young told Amy that the mass was shrinking. The news got to Tyler so he opened classrooms doors and excitedly told everyone at school. Jordan agreed to eat lunch with Tyler (way of silencing Amy from having to ask Tyler to keep asking Jordan). Jordan even attended the prayer group. Ariel was upset that Amy was going home but Amy told the young girl that she soon would be leaving the hospital and back on the field at school playing soccer. Amy’s room at home was filled with cards and notes from people all over Texas who felt inspired by her because she never lost faith that she would get better. Tyler thought that Amy should rest, but Amy didn’t want to and was gung-ho to start a Girls for God group at the Trinity Fellowship church immediately. Amy called around to get people involved, and her other sister was upset that Amy constantly hogged the home phone. Amy made an appearance at her prayer group and continued to spend time with Jordan, and Jordan still didn’t understand why. Amy told Jordan to stop smoking so he didn’t end up with cancer like her. Tyler brought Amy roses and had planned to take her to the dinner theater, but Amy forgot about the date and was headed to do a speech at a youth rally. Tyler refused to reschedule and was upset that Amy mostly ignored him and made him one of her last priorities by refusing to let him take care of her so he wouldn’t lose her again. Tyler broke up with Amy on the spot.  Amy then she decided that she wanted to spend her life as a full-time missionary to help people. Amy’s parents agreed to let her go and pursue that even though she was sixteen. Right after that though Amy went into the bathroom and discovered a new bruised lump on her neck and screamed for her parents that she had left sitting in the living room on the couch. Later on, Amy told her dad that she didn’t want to go back to the hospital, but she did anyway to get the chemo treatment again. Tyler continued to pray for Amy and told the prayer group about her relapse, and Jordan left the group and didn’t stay. Amy stopped receiving support mail as she had with her first hospitalization and dad was the bearer of that disappointing news to his sick daughter. Jordan visited Amy again in the hospital and told her that there was no need to pray anymore and didn’t see the point so she told him to get out and couldn’t believe he was so mean. Dr. Young announced that the treatment wasn’t working and the cancer was spreading rapidly and couldn’t be cured. Dad couldn’t handle the news and left while mom stayed and consoled Amy. The hospital sent Amy home to die. Amy received an invitation in the mail and went to Ariel’s soccer game since Ariel seemed to have recovered completely. Amy decided that God answered her prayers by allowing her to help others learn how to believe while she was alive so they could have better lives through Amy’s faith in God and hopefully believe themselves. Jordan broke back into the office at school and returned the stolen student council money to the safe. Amy died shortly after. Three months later, a card and flowers were delivered to Kevin and Nancy for their anniversary. Amy had prearranged it before her death and used the card to thank her parents for everything they did for her while God blessed her with life. It had on screen that Amy Newhouse lived from 1981 to 1998. The movie cover art listed, Christianmoviesdirect.com, “Soul inspiring and faith challenging.” Dove Foundation, “It will have you smiling at times and crying at others.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/18/24

TITLE:  Riding Tornado 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Aquavision / Everland Productions / Marvista Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie is inspired by a true story and takes place in South Africa, where college student Pierre von Rooyen studied theology and read the Bible for an essay assignment about the difference between religion and his own personal relationship with God. The night before, Pierre drank heavily at the bar with his friends. After class in his room, Pierre had a serious mental breakdown. He smashed glass with his fists and bashed his head into the wall until he bled, and he ended up in the hospital after almost severing an artery. The doctor then told Pierre to give up running so he wouldn’t push himself too hard and severely injure his ankles any more to the point he wouldn’t be able to walk, which he already took pain medication for. Pierre gave up theology and hid it from his parents. Instead, he went to the Tshwane University of Technology to take an equestrian course led by Mrs. Parker since he grew up with horses. The students went on a field trip to a stud farm to further their studies, and Pierre encountered an aggressive and uncontrollable white Arabian stallion named Tornado who was a pedigree blue blood. Tornado was said to be sterile and couldn’t be bred, and he struggled with a self-mutilation problem and was bound for the glue factory. A ranch worker gave Pierre a Barrie Burger tape to listen to. Barrie was a horse whisper in the Kalahari who helped troubled horses and preached the Bible to the natives as a missionary. Pierre desperately wanted to help Tornado since they both had emotional distress in common, so Pierre begged Mrs. Parker to let him take Tornado to Barrie for treatment as class credit. Mrs. Parker let Pierre go for two months as long as Barrie agreed to help Tornado, which Barrie eventually did, as well as Tornado’s owner. Pierre took Tornado to Barrie’s ranch in Noenieput, and Barrie and his wife Anette were Christian and said grace at meals. Instead of working with Tornado immediately as Pierre had been hoping, Barrie left Pierre to do barn chores while Barrie went for rides in the desert. Tornado started hurting himself again, so Pierre was discouraged. Barrie told Pierre to commit 100% to helping Tornado, and Pierre agreed to try his best. Barrie sent Pierre and Tornado out on a walk together in the dark so they could build trust with each other while Barrie and Anette had dinner with Meretha, the daughter of a neighboring rancher who Pierre had his eye on. Barrie and Pierre went out for a ride and Barrie taught Pierre how to be a man by just being friends with each other without expecting something in return. Barrie and Pierre spent time with Sillikat, an African native. Barrie advised Pierre to sit next to Tornado’s corral silently, and Tornado calmly approached Pierre and then Pierre touched Tornado when the horse bent his head down toward Pierre. Meretha took Pierre on a history tour of very rural Noenieput and explained that she was studying to be a nurse in the Cape and only visited her family’s farm to help out during her breaks. Pierre and Tornado went for another walk in the desert, and Tornado started a play session. Pierre wanted to ride Tornado, but Barrie refused and said that Tornado wasn’t ready yet. Meretha told Pierre that she and her boyfriend were slowly drifting apart, but she stayed with him because he was a good man and they were expected to be together. Another time, Meretha and Pierre sat around a campfire together, and then she kissed him. Pierre decided it was time so he saddled Tornado and tried to ride him, but he fell and Barrie watched and wasn’t pleased that Pierre did not listen to him. Pierre was angry and punched things around, and when he went to talk to Meretha she was hugging her boyfriend so Pierre packed his things and left. However, Pierre turned around and went back to the ranch when he thought of Tornado. Pierre climbed to the top of the windmill to sit with Barrie and explained about his long distance running too much as a child and damaged his ankles and how he felt like a failure because he couldn’t help Tornado and the horse would be sent to his death when he was brought back to his owner, Charl Joubert. Barrie told Pierre that Jesus was broken but He saved the world, and Pierre needed to accept himself the way God made him since Tornado didn’t need Pierre to be perfect. Pierre cried in his mentor’s arms and then held the cross that Barrie gave him. Meretha came by and told Pierre that she was going back to the Cape and she broke it off with her boyfriend and was happiest when she was with Pierre, because Pierre told her he was no good for her. Pierre called Charl and explained that the therapy was a failure and he would drive Tornado back to Charl’s ranch. However, Charl decided that he would make the drive overnight to Barrie’s ranch to see Tornado there. Barrie told Charl that Tornado’s self-mutilation stopped and he was calm around people, but Charl felt that blue blook Arabian Tornado was useless because he couldn’t be bred or ridden. Barrie believed that the purpose of a horse was to just be a horse. Before Charl left Barrie’s with Tornado and packed the horse in the small trailer, Pierre took Tornado out for a walk. Out in the desert area, Pierre set Tornado free to run for Pierre since Pierre could not longer run for himself, and Tornado galloped away. After Tornado returned to Pierre’s side, he let Pierre ride him back to the ranch where Barrie, Charl, Anette, Meretha witnessed the miraculous event. Pierre sent Tornado off and told Charl not to give up on Tornado. In the end, Barrie’s advice was that sometimes we need a touch from a broken healer. Barrie in the Kalahari later married Pierre and Meretha in December 2007, where Barrie still lived in Noenieput and preached to the natives. Tornado went to live with Carl van der Merwe and was able to sire eight healthy foals.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/17/24

TITLE:  The Hulk

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2003 Universal Pictures / Marvel Enterprises / Valhalla Motion Pictures / Good Machine Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in 1966 at a U.S. army base in the desert, where genetics scientist David Banner lived with his wife Edith. David experimented on animals in hopes of achieving human regeneration, and since he was forbidden from experimenting on the human immune system he experimented on himself. David and Edith had a son named Bruce, and David passed on a genetic mutation to Bruce and took blood samples from the toddler to confirm it. General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross then kicked David off the project after he found human blood in David’s lab. Disgruntled mad David activated a gamma radiation blast and rushed home, where he dragged Edith into another room where she screamed and begged David to stop. Little Bruce was traumatized by the memory and had nightmares about it. He was adopted by Mrs. Krenzler and told that his birth parents died before he could remember them. In the present day, David went to college at Berkeley to be a scientist. Bruce and his ex-girlfriend Betty Ross, General Ross’s daughter, worked together in the lab with Harper to test nanomeds on frogs. The nanomeds were supposed to heal people in case of a plague, but the frog exploded. Betty told Bruce about a recurring dream she had that she believed was her first memory as a toddler. Betty’s dad left her in an ice cream shop and went to arrest David after he set off the gamma blast. A man who looked like Bruce found Betty and hurt her. Bruce found a dog in the lab after hours, and he saw it again outside his house with David, who now worked the Berkeley night shift at the lab and claimed that the last janitor supposedly died. Glen Talbot, an old flame of Betty’s, offered her a job at the Atheon lab where he worked but she turned him down. Glen tried to convince Bruce to work on installing technology in GIs so their injuries on the battlefield could be instantly healed, but Bruce refused so Glen made threats. Betty and her dad Ross had been estranged for many years, but she decided she would tell him about Glen. Harper set off gamma radiation in the lab while trying to repair a machine, and Bruce took the blast to save Harper’s life. Bruce survived and ended up in the hospital, and Betty was upset and couldn’t believe that Bruce didn’t die. Instead, his injured knee was now healed and the nanomeds kept him alive even though they killed every living being they were tested on. David visited Bruce and explained that he was Bruce’s dad and Ross was the one who put David in prison for 30 years and put Bruce up for adoption. David was released from prison after he convinced everyone that he was no longer mentally insane, but he was still experimenting in his home lab. David told Bruce that Betty had a dangerous secret, but Bruce told David to leave and didn’t believe a word he said. Ross questioned Betty about what she knew about Bruce, and Betty left upset thinking that her dad only wanted to meet with her to talk about business and not because he missed her and wanted to spend time with her. Meanwhile, Bruce thought about everything David told him. He had an anger breakdown and transformed into a giant green humanoid monster called the Hulk with super-strength. He destroyed the lab and escaped before the police could find him. The next morning, Betty went to Bruce’s house and found him back to his normal self. Bruce believed that everything that happened the previous night was a dream, but he remembered seeing David. Ross came to interrogate Bruce and told Betty to stay away from him while he was being investigated. Betty tracked David down to talk to him, and he told her that the world couldn’t handle a creature like Bruce and it was too late for anyone to stop the monster that David created in Bruce. David stole an item from Betty and gave it to his vicious and bloodthirsty dogs so they could track down Betty’s scent. Ross demanded to know what traumatizing event Bruce experienced when he was four years old, but Bruce couldn’t remember anything. Ross banned Bruce from returning to the lab and threatened to put him away for life if he went near Betty ever again. David called Bruce and explained about the transformation and how Bruce’s exposure to gamma radiation set off the mutation that had been dormant so far. Glen attacked Bruce, and he got angry and transformed into Hulk. He threw Glen around like a ragdoll and then went after the government agents who shot at Hulk. The bullets made Hulk grow bigger, and he went to find Betty. He killed David’s dogs and then transformed back into his human self, where he was completely naked with his bare bottom exposed. Betty was in a state of shock, and Bruce explained that he couldn’t control himself when he went into a raging fit but he liked the sensation. All he remembered from changing into monster Hulk was a dream of rage, power and freedom. Betty helped the military shoot Bruce with a tranquilizer dart so they could take him to the secret base in the desert. Betty wanted to help Bruce and was upset that Ross thought Bruce was more creature than human and wanted to keep him sedated so he wouldn’t become a national threat. Meanwhile, David experimented using Bruce’s DNA and nanomeds and gave himself the power to use things around him to attack in a way that was unforeseen and sudden. David used his ability to injure (possibly kill) the security officer who confronted him in the lab. The town where the base was built was now a ghost town, and Bruce’s early childhood home was long abandoned. When he woke up Betty took him to the house where he had flashbacks. Betty was then sent back to Berkeley to stay out of the way while the NSA sent Bruce to Atheon to be studied. Glen, still injured from the battle with the Hulk, visited Bruce and tased him to try in hopes of making him angry enough to transform. The security would kill Bruce and Glen could then do the autopsy, take a sample of the Hulk and make a fortune off from it. Bruce was able to control his temper and didn’t transform. Betty returned home and David was there waiting for her. He asked her to convince Ross to let David see Bruce one more time before David was put away forever. David explained what happened to little Bruce and his wife. Ross had removed David from the project and took away his only chance to cure Bruce of the monstrosity that David created in hopes of improving himself through Bruce and going beyond God’s boundaries. David decided to kill little Bruce with a knife, but Edith put herself in front of David and David ended up fatally stabbing his wife Edith right before Bruce’s eyes. Back in real time, Glen had Bruce tested inside a machine and he turned into Hulk. Glen shot at Hulk so he could collect a sample, but the gun backfired and the bullet caused an explosion that killed Glen. Ross locked down the lab and evacuated everyone, and the soldiers used heavy firepower against Hulk but the bullets couldn’t harm him. Bruce escaped through the desert quickly using his ability to jump long distances, and Ross and the soldiers followed. Hulk made mincemeat of the tanks that fired missiles at him and exploded his childhood home. Ross called in to the President and informed him of the situation, and the President gave Ross access to all their available resources to stop Hulk. Ross and his crew shot at Hulk from helicopters, and he exploded some of the helicopters and headed on his way back to the city to get Betty. Bruce jumped onto the back of a plane, and the pilot flew as high as he could into the atmosphere until Hulk fell unconscious and plummeted down into the ocean. The soldiers fired missiles into the water, and Betty convinced Ross to let her talk to Hulk since trying to destroy him would only make him stronger. Hulk tore up the city’s pavement and cars, but he stopped the destruction when police, SWAT and military surrounded him. Betty went to Hulk, and he returned to his normal self and was taken to a base. David had been arrested and was put in a chair next to Bruce. David wanted to have Bruce’s power so he could take over the world, but Bruce refused and screamed at David to leave. The military electrocuted David, and all the power in the city went out and Bruce and David were transported into the wilderness. Father and son battled each other as giants, and David started draining Bruce’s power and using them for himself. Bruce gave all of his power to David, and it was too much for David and destroyed him. The military blasted the area with gamma radiation to finish Bruce off. One year later, Betty was working in the Berkeley lab again. Ross called her to tell her that there had been Hulk sightings even though it seemed impossible that he could survive. Betty admitted that she missed Bruce and loved him but she couldn’t tell anyone if he contacted her because her phones were bugged and her computer was tapped a so-called relative that abused his powerful position and used other questionable souls to help accomplish that task. As it turned out, Bruce was alive and was living in a forest giving medicine to Spanish people in need. A cartel claiming to be from the government tried to steal the medicine, but Bruce turned into the Hulk and put an end to that. This movie had a budget of $137 million and grossed over $245 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed, David Ansen, Newsweek, “Powerful with spectacular action!” Jeffrey Lyons, WNBC-TV, “The special effects are astonishing!” 


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