GOD BLESS POLICE!

  • Home
  • BOOKS READ 1
  • MOVIES REVIEW 35
  • MOVIE REVIEW 34
  • MOVIE REVIEW 33
  • MOVIE REVIEW 32
  • MOVIE REVIEW 31
  • MOVIE REVIEW 30
  • MOVIE REVIEW 29
  • MOVIE REVIEW 28
  • MOVIE REVIEW 27
  • MOVIE REVIEW 26
  • MOVIE REVIEW 25
  • MOVIE REVIEW 24
  • MOVIE REVIEW 23
  • MOVIE REVIEW 22
  • MOVIE REVIEW 21
  • MOVIE REVIEW 20
  • MOVIE REVIEW 19
  • MOVIE REVIEW 18
  • MOVIE REVIEW 17
  • MOVIE REVIEW 16
  • MOVIE REVIEW 15
  • MOVIE REVIEW 14
  • MOVIE REVIEW 13
  • MOVIE REVIEW 12
  • MOVIE REVIEW 11
  • MOVIE REVIEW 10
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 9
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 8
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 7
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 6
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 5
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 4
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 3
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 2
  • More
    • Home
    • BOOKS READ 1
    • MOVIES REVIEW 35
    • MOVIE REVIEW 34
    • MOVIE REVIEW 33
    • MOVIE REVIEW 32
    • MOVIE REVIEW 31
    • MOVIE REVIEW 30
    • MOVIE REVIEW 29
    • MOVIE REVIEW 28
    • MOVIE REVIEW 27
    • MOVIE REVIEW 26
    • MOVIE REVIEW 25
    • MOVIE REVIEW 24
    • MOVIE REVIEW 23
    • MOVIE REVIEW 22
    • MOVIE REVIEW 21
    • MOVIE REVIEW 20
    • MOVIE REVIEW 19
    • MOVIE REVIEW 18
    • MOVIE REVIEW 17
    • MOVIE REVIEW 16
    • MOVIE REVIEW 15
    • MOVIE REVIEW 14
    • MOVIE REVIEW 13
    • MOVIE REVIEW 12
    • MOVIE REVIEW 11
    • MOVIE REVIEW 10
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 9
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 8
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 7
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 6
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 5
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 4
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 3
    • MOVIE REVIEWS 2
  • Home
  • BOOKS READ 1
  • MOVIES REVIEW 35
  • MOVIE REVIEW 34
  • MOVIE REVIEW 33
  • MOVIE REVIEW 32
  • MOVIE REVIEW 31
  • MOVIE REVIEW 30
  • MOVIE REVIEW 29
  • MOVIE REVIEW 28
  • MOVIE REVIEW 27
  • MOVIE REVIEW 26
  • MOVIE REVIEW 25
  • MOVIE REVIEW 24
  • MOVIE REVIEW 23
  • MOVIE REVIEW 22
  • MOVIE REVIEW 21
  • MOVIE REVIEW 20
  • MOVIE REVIEW 19
  • MOVIE REVIEW 18
  • MOVIE REVIEW 17
  • MOVIE REVIEW 16
  • MOVIE REVIEW 15
  • MOVIE REVIEW 14
  • MOVIE REVIEW 13
  • MOVIE REVIEW 12
  • MOVIE REVIEW 11
  • MOVIE REVIEW 10
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 9
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 8
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 7
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 6
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 5
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 4
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 3
  • MOVIE REVIEWS 2

MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/27/23

TITLE: Footloose 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 Paramount Pictures/Spyglass Entertainment/MTV Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with Bomont, Georgia high-schoolers having a red Solo cup drinking and dancing party after their school won a sports game. Five teens, with the Reverend’s son, Bobby Moore, behind the wheel got in a car to go to Mama Cannon’s. As a result of their underage drunken stupor, they blasted music, and kissed while driving which caused a head-on collision with a big rig where the car caught fire. At a small-town council meeting, Reverend Shaw Moore said that no parent should ever have to bury their own child and that God was testing them because they had to bury five of Bomont’s brightest students with the reverend’s only son, Bobby, among them. He went on to say that there were other children in Bomont to raise, and once out of the care of their parents, they would go on to live in a world full of evil, temptation, and danger and that the lesson to be taken from the tragedy was the kids were there for the parents to protect and the parents couldn’t be missing from their children’s live. The council members voted for a curfew for minors under the age of eighteen to take effect immediately as a result of the five deaths in the community. Minors also had to be home by 10 p.m. on weeknights and 11 p.m. on weekends and the council went on to say that punitive measures would be taken against any individual, group or property owner who organized a public gathering where minors engaged in appropriate activities, and such activities included consumption of alcohol or unlawful drugs, listening to vulgar or demeaning amplified music, or participating in lewd or lascivious dancing. There would be no public displays of dancing unless supervised by a school, civic or church-related function, and outside of that public dancing among Bomont’s minors would be in violation of the law. Three years later, teenager Ren MacCormack from Boston got off the Greyhound bus in Bomont to stay with his Warnicker relatives, Uncle Wesley, Aunt Lulu, and their two daughters, Amy and Sarah. Ren thanked Uncle Wes for sending his family money when they needed it and for taking Ren in now that he had no other home since his mom, Sandy, died from leukemia. Wes showed Ren to his old office in the auto shop that Lulu converted into a bedroom for Ren to sleep in. Wes explained the rules in his house, which were Ren had to do his schoolwork, no staying out late (which wasn’t his rule but actually the law), and no giving people attitude. Wes found Ren a job at the local cotton gin and Ren could start next week. Ren he couldn’t work at Wes’s car dealership because the economy was bad and there wasn’t a job there. Since Ren said he was good with cars, Wes made him a deal that if Ren got the old yellow Volkswagen Bug in the garage up and running, it was all his to take to work and school. As Amy and Sarah spied on Ren, he put in his earbuds and scared them off with loud singing, and then he went to work fixing the car and even jerry-rigged a radio into it so he could blast his Quiet Riot rock music as he drove off down the working bug down the road. Ren didn’t get far before the teen was pulled over by the police, and Officer Herb wrote him a ticket for disturbing the peace with his loud music and told Ren he had to appear in court. Ren and his family went to church, where Reverend Shaw preached about how families were becoming more distant from each other because of all the surfing on the Internet, the texting on cell phones and mindless television watching. He said if that was a portal to the world, he wanted no part of it, and also that the people at the church were the ones who needed to tune into themselves and not the junk in the world. Wes then introduced Reverend Shaw to Ren, and then Ren met Roger Dunbar the Bomont high school principal and was told that there 220 seniors in the school that year, which was the biggest senior class in Bomont history. Roger told Ren that if he was going to play football for them, he needed to stay clean because Roger heard that Ren already had a run-in with the law. Wes didn’t know about that and couldn’t believe that Ren got a ticket for playing music. Reverend Shaw’s wife, Vi, introduced Ren to their daughter Ariel, but all she did was say hi to Ren and then asked her dad if she could stay overnight at her girlfriend Rusty’s house to work on a school project which would take them all night, to which Reverend Shaw reluctantly agreed. However, the girls went to the Cranston Motor Speedway instead (with Ariel in her half-shirt) and cheered on Ariel’s boyfriend, Chuck Cranston, in his #44 car who just won as they arrived. Ariel ran out on the speedway with her checkered flag and sat halfway in Chuck’s car so he could drive a victory lap. Afterwards, Rusty wasn’t happy about that and walked away because she believed that Ariel put her life in danger by acting crazy like that. Rusty told Ariel that ever since her brother Bobby died, she didn’t know what was going on with Ariel anymore and Rusty left Ariel there telling her to get her own ride back home. In the back of the racecar carrier, Ariel and Chuck were seen later that night making out on the hood of his racecar. She gave him the yellow flag when he tried to go further than she wanted, and he told her that he was her man and she was his rebel child. She agreed to prove that she wasn’t a child, and the adult man shut the door of his trailer as teenage Ariel started undressing herself, and then they had sex. Rusty drove herself and Ariel to school the next day, and they made amends in the car and then Ren showed up in his VW bug blasting music again and Rusty told Ariel that Ren was cute. Inside the school, Ren looked at the shrine on the wall for the five students who died in the car accident. He accidentally bumped into another boy named Willard as he was walking, and they got into a disagreement where Willard said he didn’t wear orange because he wasn’t a Tennessee fan, he was a Georgia Bulldogs fan. After Willard found out that Ren’s funny accent was from Boston, they introduced themselves to each other and it was an instant friendship.At lunchtime, they discussed how Willard went overseas to Alabama, and Ren went overseas to Russia with his gymnastics team because his Massachusetts school was a sister city thing with Moscow. Ren talked about how he danced with Russian girls while he was there and even joked to his new buddy that he had a threesome but then said he just danced. Later on, as Ren was fixing up his car at the house, Willard and Woody from school discussed Ariel. Woody said that she used to be a goody two-shoes, but then she changed into a hellraiser and wore tight clothing. The two boys told Ren about the law against dancing in public and added that they couldn’t even wear a bandana to school otherwise people would think they were in a gang or something. Bomont had the Fall Ball instead of prom, where all the churches got together to sponsor a dance and watched the minors to make sure they were all dancing at least six inches apart, and Willard said it was a boner killer when the boys had to dance with their mothers for one song. Ren said that dancing wasn’t a sin that would judge you to heaven or hell, and Willard and Woody told Ren to take up the law with Reverend Shaw. One night, all the teens went to hang out at the Starlite outdoor drive-in theater, where Uncle Claude told his teen nephew Woody to check outside to see if the police were still on-site. Woody replied that they were just leaving and then asked his uncle what he had for Woody hidden behind the counter. It was a bootleg David Banner cd, and Uncle Claude said he was going to pull the plug in his diner at the first sign of the police because he didn’t want to get a fine and Woody didn’t want to get another ticket. Woody’s girlfriend chimed in and told Ren that Woody got two tickets for dancing, and if he got one more, he was off the football team. Uncle Claude put the cd in the player, and everybody moved their cars so they could have a dancefloor. As Chuck watched the girls dancing erratically, Ariel asked him if girls dancing like hussies was turning him on, and he replied it didn’t suck. Ren joined everyone dancing, and Ariel jumped off the truck and started acting like a stripper pole dancer. She then leaned up against a car, and as Ren made his way over to dance sexy in front of Ariel, Reverend Shaw came into the diner and the saw what was happening out the window. An employee freaked out and hurriedly went to tell Uncle Claude, and the reverend caught a glimpse of his daugher dancing provocatively and close-bodied with Ren, and Shaw was in disbelief. Chuck was not happy about getting caught. Ren stopped dancing and walked away from Ariel telling her that he wasn’t going to put on a show for Chuck, and she could but he wasn’t going to participate because she was dating Chuck. Uncle Claude told Ariel over the loudspeaker to come inside because her dad arrived. Reverend Shaw told Ariel that her mom was afraid she didn’t have any money and thought she would be at the movies, so dad stopped by to give Ariel some money. Ariel, in her daisy duke cutoff shorts and belly revealing shirt, told her daddy that it wasn’t a big deal and they were just messing around. Reverend Shaw replied it would be best if she went home with him now, and Willard told everyone that daddy was going to take Ariel out to the woodshed because she was in deep sh**. Ariel got back home and walked up the stairs. Vi wasn’t fazed by her daughter’s attire and asked Ariel if she had fun, and Ariel told her momma that she was just breaking the law and walked upstairs ignoring Shaw who still wanted talk to his far-gone child. In court, Wes called the judge Eddie because they were buddies, but Eddie wanted Wes to call him by Judge. Wes told Judge Eddie to give Ren some slack because he was just playing his music too loud and it was about as loud as Judge Eddie and Wes blasting Lynyrd Skynyrd in Eddie’s impala when they were Ren’s age. Judge Eddie suspended Ren’s sentence of Saturday School because Ren had a job at the cotton gin on Saturdays. Officer Herb was not happy that Ren got off so easily, and outside Ren and Wes discussed separation of church and state and how in Boston you could buy a beer on Sundays but not in Bomont. Wes schooled his nephew that in Bomont, they could drink beer on God’s day, which was Sunday, but they had to buy it on beer day, which was Saturday. He added it was right there in the Bible, separation of God and beer, and if God said it then Wes believed it and that settled it. Another day, Ariel stopped by the cotton gin and told Ren that Chuck wanted to see Ren the following day at the speedway at two o’clock to be there or be square. She added that she volunteered to tell Ren instead told of Chuck himself. The next day, after Ren and Chuck had words at the speedway, Chuck hopped on a tractor and told Ren to try dancing with the tractor as Chuck drove it to the side so he could show the four buses lined up. Chuck explained that every weekend, they raced the school buses in a figure-eight pattern around the track. Ren sat behind the wheel in one of the buses to race and said it was pretty dangerous and they could get killed, and Woody said “What’s this ‘we,” white boy? Crazy…like I’d get my black a** up there.” As Chuck tripped up the stairs of his bus, Ariel asked him if he was okay because he had a lot of stuff (dope/weed) to smoke, and he told her not to tell him when he had enough. As it was said over the loudspeaker telling the gentlemen to start their engines, there were three males and one female driving the buses. Chuck was in Burn in Hell, Ren in Fun Zone, Caroline in #13 Danger Zombies Run, and Russell in his camouflage Get R Done bus (with the words “Don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split ya.”). Ariel got in the back of a truck that was leading the buses onto the speedway, and she took off her shirt so she was standing there in only her bra and shorty-shorts, and Chuck yelled “Preacher’s daughter, my a**, baby!” as Ariel waved her shirt around like a flag. As her version of a smooch, Caroline rammed into Ren multiple times when she pulled alongside his bus. She wasn’t paying attention and ended up going off the speedway crashing her bus into the wall when Russell pulled in front of her, but Ren slammed on his brakes and was fine. Russell started ramming Ren, and he rammed Russell back hard and sent Russell’s bus into a huge speedway light pole. That caused the pole to fall to the ground, and it caught the back end of Ren’s bus on fire, to which the announcer said they had fireworks and God bless America. As Ren took the corner, he headed straight for Chuck, and the announcer said somebody had to back down but neither did. Ren gassed it and rammed the side of Chuck’s bus, flipping it over onto its side. Chuck escaped from the bus as Ren took the lead with his fun bus (with highly flammable stuffed animals all over it) and still on fire. Ren drove by everybody watching and yelled to them that he had no brakes on his bus, so Woody grabbed a fire extinguisher and ran after Ren trying to catch up and put the fire out. Woody and Willard climbed up onto Ren’s bus and attempted to put the fire out, but then they saw that they were about to run into Chuck’s fiery overturned bus so they all jumped out. They then laughed about the collision and sang, “The wheels on the bus go boom, boom, boom.” (Chuck’s dad was going to have a hissy fit when he saw the damage his son and his buddies did to his property with the wrecked buses, destroyed walls, and the light post). In the school library, one of Chuck’s buddies, Rich Sawyer, came up to Ren and told him that he had been around to places like New York, St. Louis, and Chicago and wanted to know if later on after school Ren wanted to go outside and smoke some weed with Rich, who said he got high every day. When Ren got up to look at a book, Rich put a joint in Ren’s pocket and said it was on him. Ren tried to give it back to Rich and said he didn’t want it, and then the librarian, Mr. Parker, asked to see what was in Ren’s hand. Rich made a speedy getaway and Ren took off running to the bathroom, where he flushed the joint down the toilet just as the librarian opened the stall door. In the next scene, Ren was in Principal Roger’s office with Roger telling Ren that he wouldn’t tolerate it in his school. Ren told everyone that he couldn’t smoke weed when he was on the gymnastics team for three years because he was drug tested all the time, so he certainly wasn’t going to start smoking now. Officer Herb asked Ren if he was going to sell the joint or smoke it, and Roger added that Mr. Parker said Ren was with Rich Sawyer when all of that happened. Roger asked Ren if it was Rich’s joint, and Ren replied that he didn’t do drugs so they could test him, and when it came out clean he wanted Mr. Parker investigated for barging into the bathroom stall with Ren because that was gross. Since there was no evidence, Roger decided to let Ren off with a warning and then lectured that life was not a big party and no matter what the rap music people said, marijuana was just wrong. Roger sat down next to Ren and told him he knew Ren’s mom, Sandy, and how she had a wild spark just like Ren. Roger added that Sandy ran up north and lived the high life and that might have been a lot of fun, but it got her into a lot of unexpected trouble, meaning Ren. Ren went off on the principal and said told him that he could arrest Ren or suspend him or whatever, but never talk about his mother like that again and he stormed out of the office. As Ren walked out of the school, Ariel tried to talk to him but he kept walking and sped away driving like a maniac and blasting his rap music on the car radio. He drove into an old warehouse on Andy Beamis’s cotton gin property and played out a scene calling Officer Herb a huckleberry and telling him to try being a cop in Boston. Ren then screamed at Mr. Dunbar calling him Mr. Douchebag and Mr. Dumba** with his righteousness and little vest, and Ren told the principal that he didn’t know Ren’s mother or the pain she went through every day. Ren blasted some more music, danced wildly, kicked over things in the warehouse, and did gymnastics on the rafters. He got up on the hood of his car to twirl around and fell into a hole on top of some empty pallets, but he got right back up and swigged a beer-like can he got out of the trunk. He then did some more angry hate dancing and ripped the wood in the building so he could throw it into the glass windows and shatter it. Ren even grabbed a chain attached to the ceiling and started swinging around on it. Ariel showed up and cheered Ren on and made herself known. She told him there were eyes everywhere in the small town, so he was never alone. She asked Ren if he thought she was a slut, and he told her he thought she had been kissed a lot and she replied that Chuck didn’t own her which was why he wasn’t with her at that moment. Now nighttime, Ariel took Ren to a hideout of the teen kids by the railroad tracks with writing and paintings on the wall that the schoolkids called the yearbook. They wrote quotes from books, poems, and lyrics from songs they weren’t supposed to listen to. She added that people just hung out there and did other stuff (sexual things), and as she drank a beer, Ariel told Ren that she applied to colleges even her dad didn’t even know about because nobody wanted to put Bomont in their rearview mirror more than her. Ariel asked Ren if he wanted to kiss her, and he said someday. She wanted to know why someday, and Ren said they could drop down on the floor and have sex right there and the sweat would dry but Ariel would still feel like sh**, and that was Chuck’s way and not Ren’s style of being with a girl. Ariel then ran outside because she heard a train coming and told Ren that sometimes after football games, all the teens went out there and made out like crazy as the train went by, or they played chicken on the tracks. Ariel stood in the middle of the tracks and wasn’t going to move, and the train would have hit her if Ren hadn’t pulled her off the tracks just in the nick of time. Ariel tried to sneak into the house, and Reverend Shaw was waiting up for her and asked her how he could impose a curfew for the young people in his church when he couldn’t even enforce it in his own home. She lied and told her dad that she hadn’t been drinking, smoking, dancing or reading books she wasn’t supposed to and added that Ren brought her home. Reverend Shaw told Ariel not to see Ren anymore because he was trouble, so she quoted Job 14:1 from the Bible and walked past her dad to go to bed as he told her that her behavior was atrocious and it seemed to start when Ren came to town. Ariel told Reverend Shaw that Ren was the least of his worries and shut the door in his face. Another night, Ren drove Ariel, Rusty and Willard to the Cowboys Bar in the big city so they could hang out away from small-town Bomont. When they arrived, Willard wouldn’t go dance because he didn’t know how to, so Ren left Willard with a female to learn some country line dancing moves while Ren went and danced with the two girls to a song about fake IDs. Willard decided he didn’t want to learn dancing, so he got something to drink instead and his date, Rusty, started dancing with another guy. That didn’t sit too well with Willard especially after Rusty just kissed him, and he had enough when he saw the other guy putting his hands all over Rusty’s butt as Ren and Ariel dirty danced on the floor. Willard got into a confrontation with the other guy, who punched Willard to the floor, so Rusty broke a glass bottle over the guy’s head and called him an animal. On the way home in the car, the teens drove over Crosby Bridge and discussed how that was where the five teens died. Ariel explained that her brother Bobby was driving and lost control, so he was hit head-on by a truck. She went on to say that Ren would have liked Bobby and he was Ariel’s hero, but now every time she thought about her brother she thought about the death bridge. The next day, Reverend Shaw showed up at Wes’s car lot and said he was there to talk to Wes about his daughter, not get an oil change. Wes told his coworker Charlie to show the client Katelin the Cadillac outside so Wes could speak with Reverend Shaw alone. Reverend Shaw told Wes that he wasn’t comfortable with Ren pursuing Ariel, and he mentioned Wes’s two young girls and believed Wes should be able to understand where Reverend Shaw was coming from as a father. Wes wanted to know if the reverend heard that Ren was doing drugs at school from Roger, the same principal (city official) who wanted Wes to take down his sign out front. After Reverend Shaw said he didn’t want that kind of influence around his daughter, Wes asked Shaw if he had ever seen anybody die from leukemia because it was a slow and ugly death and Ren watched his mom go through it alone. Wes added that Ren’s dad was a deadbeat and never lifted a finger to help, and when Sandy got sick her husband bolted and it was Ren who took care of his mom. Wes told the reverend that he might think Ren wasn’t good enough for Ariel, but Wes could argue it was the other way around. Reverend Shaw walked out and Wes said he would see him in church. As Ren washed his car with Willard, Ren said there was no progress in the town. Willard said that he would sign a petition for a wet t-shirt contests because if they couldn’t have braless, wet women there in Bomont, the terrorists won. Ren said they should start their own petition and challenge the law against dancing, and then they could organize their own dance. He wasn’t talking about some drunken kegger or free-for-all orgy, and was talking about a formal, respectable dance (meaning not the kind of dancing they’ve been doing all along) that wasn’t held in the church with everyone’s eyes on them. Willard warned Ren about going to jail because it was against the law, and Ren replied that the law was meant to be challenged. He added that nothing was set in stone, and Willard replied that the Ten Commandments were, and Ren’s smart-aleck reply was spraying Willard with the hose. At the next council meeting, Willard, Ren and Woody were there so they could bring up their new order of business. However, Ren hesitated and the local meeting was adjourned before he said anything. Reverend Shaw and Roger walked out together making plans, and in the hallway, Ren stopped the men and told them that he was going to start a petition against the ordinance of public dancing and he just wanted to make sure his intentions were clear. After they left, Ren told the corn-fed hick Willard that if Ren was going to stand up in front of the city council to make his case, then Willard was going to learn how to dance. With a Barbie music player, Willard got some dancing lessons from two young girls with Amy and Sarah singing “Let’s Hear It For The Boy,” and the days that followed Willard took turns dancing with Ren and then bouncing like gangstas with Woody and his homies. Ren went to the library and got city ordinances to read from Mr. Parker telling the librarian that reading was what you did at the library other than getting stoned. Ren printed out “Oppose The Dance Ban,” flyers and cards, and he later had a talk with Aunt Lulu where she told him not to worry about Wesley because he was trying to sell cars in the middle of a recession (he was a business owner too because he also owned the dealership). She asked Ren why the dance was so important to him, and the teen boy explained that he wasn’t surprised when his dad left because he wasn’t reliable anyway, and that Ren’s mom was the strong one until she got sick and then Ren had to be the strong one. Ren wasn’t able to get his mom better after he put so much hard work and effort into trying to take care of her, and he hoped that by him challenging the dancing ban, he could do something himself this time and actually make a change. Aunt Lulu signed the petition and told Ren that his mom would be proud. At the speedway sitting in Chuck’s truck, Chuck told Ariel that he knew she liked Ren and was just waiting for the moment to wrap her legs around him like she did Chuck. They got out of the truck, and Chuck told Ariel that he thought she came out there on the weekends to hang out at the racetrack and be a hussy, and he added that being a preacher’s daughter didn’t give her a free pass on acting like a slut. Ariel punched Chuck in the face and started attacking him, so he threw her on the ground and told her to walk her a** back home to daddy. Chuck said he treated Ariel decent and better than she deserved and he was about done with her anyway, and then Ariel grabbed a pipe that was in a barrel and cracked the windshield on the driver’s side and smashed the headlights as Chuck drove by in his truck Chuck got out calling Ariel a crazy bit**, and he grabbed her and knocked the pipe out of her hand. He hit her and threw her to the ground, and then he drove off in his truck. By the time the reverend arrived at the church, it was pouring down rain and Vi was inside with Ariel, who had a beat-up face. Reverend Shaw assumed it was Ren who assaulted Ariel and said that SOB, and he started walking away saying he was going to call the police on Ren. Ariel chimed in and said she could see how that would work for the reverend to blame everything on Ren just like he did with Bobby. That set Ariel off yelling at her parents because Bobby was to blame for all the bullsh** in town and he caused the underage kids to miss out on things that other kids had freely in different places, such as dancing and staying out late. Ariel told her parents that she had been so lost the last three years and was losing her mind and they didn’t even see it or care about it because they weren’t allowed to talk about it. Reverend Shaw said he didn’t expect Ariel to understand everything her parents did that was intended to keep her safe, and Ariel blew up at Reverend Shaw inside the church and told him that she hated it when he treated her like a child and she wasn’t even a virgin anymore. Reverend Shaw told his daughter not to talk about that in church, and Ariel asked him what was he going to do, pass another law because that sure as hell didn’t keep the man out of her panties. Reverend Shaw slapped Ariel across the face, and Vi got onto him for doing that because Ariel’s face was already bruised. Ariel stormed out of the church saying they should go get that boy who blackened her eye because they didn’t hit girls in Bomont, do they Reverend? He tried to apologize, but Vi told him to leave Ariel alone and ran after her daughter. Later on at the house, Vi sat on the bench with Shaw and told him that Ariel was staying at Rusty’s house. Shaw said he didn’t know what came over him because he didn’t usually hit people, and Vi replied that was where Ariel and Shaw were alike because the two of them dealt with their pain in extremes. Vi went on to say that she understood they were trying to make laws to protect the children, but the laws were too much, too soon and Shaw’s obligation was to his own daughter, not everybody else’s children. Vi added that she had been the minister’s wife for 21 years and she had been supportive and silent and still believed he was a great preacher, but it was the one-on-one where Shaw could use a little work.Later on, Ren told Ariel that her throwing Chuck in jail sounded good, and Ariel said she just wanted the whole thing behind her. She gave Ren a present, which was her Bible that she had since she was seven and she marked a few pages hoping it would help Ren when he went up against the city council. Ren and Ariel kissed. At the next council meeting, there was a huge crowd attending, including Ariel who flashed her “Dance your a** off,” tank at Ren. Roger started the meeting and reminded the teens that no disturbances were allowed because it was town business they were conducting inside the meeting place. Ren stood up, said his name, and spoke on behalf of the majority of the seniors at Bomont High School that the law against public dancing within the town limits of Bomont be abolished. Reverend Shaw responded on behalf of the town that aside from the alcohol, drugs, and lewd behavior that always accompanied those unsupervised events, he was most bothered by the spiritual corruption. He added that the dances and music distorted young people’s attitudes, and in his opinion, both dancing and celebrating certain types of music could be destructive and he thought that most of the people in the community would agree with him. The council tried to take a vote immediately after that, but Wes stood up and told the councilmen that it wasn’t right what they were trying to do by not hearing Ren’s speech. Roger tried to lecture Ren that he was an out-of-towner trying to come into their community and change things, but Roger didn’t get any further because Vi spoke up and told Roger to be quiet. She told everybody she believed that Ren had a right to be heard, and Ren went to the podium. He explained that just because he wasn’t there for the five students’ death three years before didn’t mean that he didn’t mourn them because he saw their pictures every day at school and was reminded of how precious life and how quickly it could be taken away whenever he saw their faces. He went on to explain that he knew this firsthand in his own way, and that three years ago almost a dozen laws were put in place to protect the children of Bomont. Ren could see from a parent’s perspective how they made sense, but his right to dance where, when, and how he wanted was his own right that they couldn’t take away from him. He said that the teens didn’t have a lot of time left because they were going to grow up to have jobs, bills and families just like the adults in the room and then have to worry about their own children because that was the job of a parent, but the job of teenagers was to live, play their music too loud, act like idiots, and make mistakes. Ren mentioned Psalm 149 that mentioned praising the Lord in dance, and then he told everyone to look in his or her Bibles at the Book of Samuel, 6:14 and read how David danced before the Lord celebrating his love of God and celebrating his love of life. Ren quoted Ecclesiastes about how it assured them there was a time for everything, including dancing. In his Boston accent, Ren said this was the children’s time and there was once a time for that law but not anymore, and he left the podium after thanking everyone. At the cotton gin, Andy told Ren that he was railroaded because Shaw Moore walked into that council meeting with those votes already in his pocket and Ren didn’t have a prayer (kangaroo court). Ren told Andy nothing happened now because it was over, and Andy suggested that the teens have their dance in Bayson. Ren said that the whole point was to have it in Bomont and he thought Bayson was thirty miles away, and Andy replied that Ren was standing in Bayson. They walked outside and Andy pointed to the water tower across the street and announced that it was in Bomont, but everything east of it was in Bayson, including the cotton gin. Andy said if the Bomont fire trucks couldn’t come that far east, then neither could the long arm of the law, and Andy told Ren to try to convince Reverend Shaw that the dance wouldn’t create a spiritual corruption. As the reverend was practicing his sermon in the church, Ren walked in, and that startled Reverend Shaw because where Ren was sitting used to be where Bobby sat when Shaw practiced his sermons. Reverend Shaw and Ren discussed the deaths of Bobby and Sandy, and Ren said that death had its own clock. He added that he knew the council people voted against having the dance, but Andy gave Ren permission to have the dance at his place so it was happening regardless. Ren asked Reverend Shaw for his permission to take Ariel to the dance, and Ren said he wouldn’t do anything to hurt or disrespect Ariel and he wouldn’t let anybody else do that to the reverend’s daughter either. He added that the dance meant a lot to him but Ariel meant more, and that if she couldn’t come to the dance then he wasn’t going to go at all. The next day in church, Reverend Shaw gave a sermon about how even he made mistakes and that if parents didn’t start trusting their children, how would they children ever become trustworthy? He asked everyone to join him in their prayers that the Lord would guide the high school seniors in their endeavors to get the dance going on at Andy’s place. Everybody was happy about that, and Reverend Shaw told them all to turn to page 472 in their hymnal books. The townspeople went to Andy’s old warehouse to clean it up for the dance, and they also hung lights and a disco ball. The night of the prom dance, Vi surprised Ariel with a corsage as a present and said it was from both of Ariel’s parents. Reverend Shaw helped Ariel with her corsage and told her that he wanted what every parent wanted, which was for their child to come home safe. They hugged it out, and then Ren picked Ariel up to drive her to the dance with Ariel’s parents spying on them out the window. The passenger door on Ren’s car was stuck, so he picked Ariel up and put her through the open window (Duke boys). At the dance, Ren recruited Woody to get his football teammates to step up and be men and ask the girls on the other side to dance instead of just sitting it out on the bench sidelines.The teens danced to “Almost Paradise.” As Rusty and Willard arrived, Chuck and his boys drove up in his truck and Rusty reminded Willard that he promised no fighting. Willard said they didn’t want any fighting, and Chuck responded by punching Willard in the stomach. Two boys held onto Willard while another grabbed hold of Rusty, and Chuck yelled for Ren to come outside. Rusty told Willard to kill the SOBs, so Willard went crazy and threw one of them against a car breaking the glass window. Ren appeared and told Chuck that he was really tough when it was four to one, and he jumped on Chuck and they wrestled on the ground. Rusty and Ariel beat up one man while Willard handled the other two, and Chuck grabbed a crowbar and swung at Ren with it. Ren was able to knock Chuck to the ground and punch him in the face and told him the race was over. One of the boys grabbed a brick and was going to hit Ren in the back of the head with it, but Andy came out, grabbed the punk, and told him to play fair before Andy punched him out. Andy told Ren a little less boxing and a little more boogie because it felt like a morgue inside, so Ren ran inside with the other teens. After the confetti machine brightened up the room, everybody danced to Footloose and Willard surprised Rusty by dancing with Ren out on the floor. This movie had the following listed on the cover art: Scott Mantz, Access Hollywood, “Footloose rocks! It’s irresistible!”/ Alynda Wheat, People, “Footloose had an infectious spirit.”/ Bryan Erdy, CBS-TV “Awesome.”/ Harry Knowles, Ain’t It Cool News, “Exciting.”/ Joel Amos, MovieFanatic.com, “Fantastic.” / Mara Reinstein, US Weekly, “Fun.” / Rafer Guzman, Newsday, “Timeless.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/26/23

TITLE: Born Yesterday 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1993 Hollywood Pictures/Touchwood Pacific Partners/Walt Disney Studios/Buena Vista Home Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie began with multimillionaire Harry Brock going to Washington, D.C. on his private plane with his ditzy girlfriend, Billie Dawn, and nephew, JJ, and upon landing Harry met with his right-hand man, Ed Devery, and they planned to meet Paul Verrall the journalist early to prove they had nothing to hide (but they actually did). High-maintenance Billie had all her requested items in the hotel suite ahead of time, and even though Harry was paying $6,500 a night for the room, she complained that she didn’t like new towns and it took her almost a minute to find her soap operas on TV. Right before Billie and Harry were supposed to go to a party, she tried to sneak a decanter of alcohol into her room but he screamed at her to put it back. Harry was spending $400 million on a new complex, Brock Village, with 2,000 condos and 175 shops on four million square feet, and he was worried that the base where the complex was going to be built would close down if his plan of buying and bribing some senators didn’t work. In the elevator, Ed told Harry to relax because they put all of his companies in Billie’s name, which meant they couldn’t be taken to settle any debts and were technically not Harry’s companies, and this was why Ed kept bringing Billie a bunch of paperwork to sign without telling her what it was. Bored JJ was doing handstands outside the elevator, but he fell over and spilled his change all over the floor. At the party, Harry introduced Billie to Senators Alex, Dorn, and Hedges and their wives. As they ate dinner, the senators discussed the Eastern bloc in Europe collapsing and wanted Billie’s opinion. She thought they were talking about an actual “block,” and asked if anybody hurt or if there was just property damage when the block collapsed. One of the senators clarified that it was the Eastern bloc, but Billie still didn’t understand and added that she thought America had enough problems with their own streets and should start fixing those before fixing the ones in Europe. That got Billie a lot of strange looks from the senators and their wives. As they were walking out of the building, Billie remarked that all those people were geeks, and Harry told her to shut up because nobody asked her and then she sarcastically pardoned herself for taking up too much space on his planet. Back at the hotel, Harry told JJ to take Billie upstairs, and Ed told Harry that Billie was a liability because she didn’t know what people were talking about, hence the bloc conversation. Harry replied that people didn’t talk to Billie to know things, but they loved her because she made them forget about all the crap in the world. Ed agreed that every time Billie opened her mouth, she said something stupid and people were laughing at her during the party, so there was no reason for her to be in Washington. Harry said Billie owned more of him than he did himself, which was another one of Ed’s bright ideas, and Ed argued that it was a good idea because Billie didn’t even know about. Harry added that he was crazy about Billie and was crazy when she wasn’t around, and he went back to the hotel room and gave Billie an expensive necklace as a gift. She asked him if he knew the feeling of being sad when you were supposed to be happy and it was worse than when you were allowed to be sad, like after someone’s death. Harry wanted to know what the hell she was talking about, but she knew he wouldn’t understand so she told him to forget about it. They went to a club and danced the night away, and the next morning, Cynthia Schreiber from National Public Radio called Billie and wanted her to be on the show. Billie agreed after Cynthia confirmed that she could talk about Brock Village, and then JJ called Harry to tell him that Billie was on the live Radio 89.3. Harry used Christ’s name in vain and ordered Ed to put the radio on, and he listened to Billie telling Cynthia that she and Harry met in Las Vegas where Billie was a showgirl, but Harry didn’t want her to be in the shows because he liked to go to bed early. Cynthia asked Billie about Harry’s Vegas business and wanted to know what he was doing in D.C., and she replied that Harry used to gamble and hang out with the girls but now that he was with Billie, he was working all the time. Ed told Harry that in the future, they should limit Billie’s exposure to the media because of her limited understanding of everything. Harry said what Billie needed was somebody to pound some smarts into her, one on one. Harry and Ed then went to eat lunch with Paul, and Harry told Paul that Billie was a nice kid but she was a little on the stupid side, and she was smart enough for Vegas but not smart enough for Washington. Harry said he would pay Paul $200 a day to smarten Billie up and show her how everything worked, but Paul refused and wouldn’t accept $350 either because he said money wasn’t the issue. Ed tried to say something, but Harry told him to shut up and made his final offer of $500, and Paul agreed. While they were playing cards, Harry told Billie that they weren’t in Chicago anymore and she had to be careful of everything she did, and then he said that he thought it would be a good idea for her to hang out with Paul in the city and learn some things. She replied that Harry could use some education himself if he asked her, and he replied that nobody asked her so shut up. Paul showed up at the door, and Harry rushed both Paul and Billie out the door. They went to the bar, where Billie revealed that she knew all about Harry’s plan and she wanted to know how much he was paying Paul to smarten her up. He said $500 a day, and Billie replied that he could have gotten twice that because Harry had a lot of money, and Paul said he would have done it for nothing. Billie went on to say that she didn’t care that she wasn’t smart because she was happy as long as she knew how to get what she wanted, and she wouldn’t give Harry what he wanted if she didn’t get what she wanted. Billie and Paul slow-danced inside the bar, and he escorted her to her hotel room. He remarked that she didn’t look like a Billie, and she said that she took Billie as her stage name in Vegas and her real name was Emma. Paul replied that she didn’t look like an Emma either, and to him she looked like an angel. Paul gave Billie a newspaper and told her to circle any of the things she didn’t understand and he would explain them to her, and she complained that she had weak eyesight. Paul suggested that Billie get glasses, and she replied she didn’t want to look like a geek, which was awkward because Paul wore glasses. Paul and Billie then started kissing because Harry was too busy being a businessman to care about his girlfriend Billie, not to mention she told Paul that she had the hots for him the moment she saw him. Harry came out of the elevator and Paul and Billie acted all innocent, but Harry knew something was up. Paul later explained to Billie that everybody in Washington said the same thing and she just had to know the right responses, and that if she learned the eight sentences on the list he gave her, she would be a hit at every party. She started reading the sentences, which included responses such as that was as unlikely as a Democrat being elected for president and even Abe Lincoln wouldn’t know what to say about that one. At another party, Paul gave Billie subtle number signals so she could use the eight sentences to converse intelligently with other partygoers. Harry was shocked at Paul’s overnight success, and he told Paul that he did a hell of a job. Paul and Billie went outside, and she said that she liked having everybody look at her like she knew what she was talking about, and he confirmed that he didn’t teach Billie to cheat because he didn’t think she could learn. She added that she didn’t want to be less than other people, and Paul told her it was too late for that because she was already more than most people. Paul had Billie start reading Democracy in America (which Cynthia mentioned on the radio show), but she wasn’t happy that she had only read thirteen pages in one week because she didn’t understand any of the words and had to keep going to the dictionary. She threw the book in the trash and said she didn’t want to read it anymore, but Paul later sent her a gift box with another copy of the book and a pocket dictionary. When Harry came home and asked Billie if she was still reading that book, he broke into hysterical laughter because he still hatefully thought she was a dumb blonde and didn’t have the brains to read it. Paul was in the hotel room teaching Billie about the amendments, and Harry came into the room hating on the classical music playing and then told Paul that he needed Billie so she could talk at parties, not pass an ancient history test about the Constitution. Billie asked Harry if he knew who Tom Paine was, and he replied that Tom wasn’t buying anything from him so he didn’t care. Harry then announced that the more he saw Paul the less he liked him, and Paul asked if that was the way Harry talked to his senator friends. Harry got in Paul’s face and told him not to push his luck, to stay out of Harry’s business, and to keep his eye on what Harry paid him to keep it on or he would tear it out of Paul’s head. Paul left, and Harry handed Billie some papers to sign. She said that she didn’t want to do anything against the law, to which Harry replied that he was the law and he was telling her to sign those papers so she was going to do it. Billie noticed that signing those papers would make her a silent partner, but she signed it anyway. Billie later asked Paul why he kissed her that one time but never again, and he replied that he made a mistake but it had nothing to do with her and was about ethics because if he got involved with Billie, he would be no different than Harry using her like Harry used senators to get what he wanted. Paul admitted that he was crazy about Billie, and then he added that he didn’t hate Harry, just his lifestyle where he only cared about himself. Billie said that Paul still saw her the same as she was before as if she learned nothing, and in that way, he was the same as Harry in thinking Billie was a bimbo from Vegas. At a formal dinner, Harry mentioned that a lot of homeless people were veterans and that wasn’t right because they served their country, and a senator chimed in that the Sixth Amendment said nobody could be deprived of property without compensation, but it was too bad that they didn’t offer that protection to veterans. Billie corrected the senator that was the Fifth Amendment, and he said it was the sixth and Harry told him not to pay attention to Billie because she didn’t know what she was talking about. Another senator added that they were both wrong because property compensation was the seventh, and when Billie insisted that it was the fifth, Harry said that everybody knew the fifth amendment was the one where you don’t have to say anything to incriminate yourself. A third senator said that both those senators were wrong and Billie was right, and Billie said the fifth had several clauses and she used a trick remember the amendments. One of the senator’s wives wanted to know what her trick was, and Billie replied that they would probably think she was nuts, but she used The Twelve Days of Christmas and everybody laughed at that. The other women asked Billie to teach it to them, but Harry told her to stop it because they had business to do there. A senator mentioned that they were under the impression it was a social occasion and told Billie to go ahead. Everybody at the table (yes, even Harry after he finally came around) sang the amendment song to the tune of the Christmas song. Later on, Harry and Senator Hedges later had a very heated argument, and Harry said he didn’t buy 40,000 copies of Senator Hedges’ book because he kept misplacing his copy, so the senator needed to do what Harry told him to do even though Hedges said he didn’t work for Harry. Harry stormed out of the room, and Billie asked Hedges why he let Harry push him around because over 800,000 people voted for Hedges and that meant Harry was pushing around all those people too. Hedges replied that Harry was a hard man to say no to, and Billie said that it was getting easier for her to. Senator Hedges wanted to know her secret because he was in a tight spot since Harry bribed him. Ed then brought Billie some more papers to sign, and this time she wanted to know what she was signing. Ed argued that was unnecessary because they were legit, and when Billie asked why she couldn’t read him if that was the case, he snapped back the papers were fine. He then apologized, and Billie said she understood that Ed didn’t want to do Harry’s dirty work and knew he was better than Harry. Ed left, and Billie looked over the paperwork quickly. Harry appeared, and Billie asked him if he knew that Ed used to be an attorney general and wrote a book called The Roots of Freedom, which Billie read and thought was great and beautiful. Harry told her not to tie up her new brain with Ed, and she replied that Harry wasn’t as big as she thought he was and all throughout history there had been bigger and better men than him. She said that her dad was a bigger man than Harry, and even though he had a minimum wage at least he cared about Billie, whereas Harry cared nothing for her and only worked for money. Billie said that maybe she was dumb, but she knew there was a better life than the one she had, and she told Harry that he had money but a cheap life. He replied that he didn’t own anything cheap except her, to Billie said there was a law against owning people. Harry repeated his words earlier of what he said about him being the law, so shut up. He told her that business bought her the outfit she was wearing and everything else she wanted and demanded that she sign some more papers. Billie decided that she wanted to read them first if she was going to put her name on them, and Harry responded that once she signed those papers he was sending her back to Chicago. She repeated that she wanted to read the paperwork, so Harry screamed hate at Billie and slapped her hard across the face multiple times knocking her to the floor. He picked her up off the floor and sat her down in the chair to sign the papers, which she did in tears and then announced that she signed them. Harry told Billie to get out, but when his back was turned, she set the paperwork on fire and threw it on the floor behind him. She stormed out of the room telling Harry to never lay a hand on her again and that if things weren’t working out between them, then that was one thing, but don’t make her hate him on top of that. He followed Billie out of the room, and she told him to do her a favor and drop dead. Harry knew then that he was screwed because everything was in her name and he didn’t get the signed paperwork before she left. Billie went to see Paul at his work and told him that she thought Harry and Ed were doing something illegal because they wouldn’t let her see the paperwork before signing it. Paul and Billie went to the hotel and Billie asked the clerk if Mr. Brock was in his room. She was told that he went out earlier, so Billie and Paul went upstairs to look for the paperwork. They grabbed the folder and hid in the bathroom when they heard the door open, and it turned out to be the maid who screamed when she opened the bathroom door on the two and handed them a toilet paper roll. After the staff worker hurried out, Paul told Billie that Harry put all the companies in her name and she owned them all, which meant she was Harry’s boss and had control over him and not the other way around. In the back of the folder, Paul found photostat copies of checks that Harry wrote to the senators bribing them to keep the base open because otherwise he would lose all of his customers if it closed. Billie said poor Harry, and Paul responded poor bribe giving, law-breaking Harry, and then Paul announced that he was going to take the information to his newspaper and write a story about it. Billie stopped Paul and said she couldn’t let him print anything in the papers. She thought the best thing for her was to go away for a while and maybe see her dad, and on the spot, Paul asked Billie to marry him. She thought he was crazy, but then he said he loved her and they kissed passionately. Meanwhile, Harry went to the jewelry store and bought the biggest wedding ring they had. He told Ed that he thought Billie was being jumpy because they had been together unmarried for eight years, and that was the reason they were having relationship issues so Harry was going to marry Billie. Harry, Ed, and JJ in suits carried bouquets of white flowers to the hotel room, and Harry shouted for Billie. She let Paul out the door and he asked again for her to marry him, and she told him to give her the paperwork that he had taken from Harry. Paul said he wasn’t going to do that and left with the Harry’s paperwork. Harry told Billie that she didn’t know how much she meant to him, and she replied she could feel it on her face because he hit her there. Harry said not to forget the good times and flashed the ring at Billie telling her to name the wedding date, and she replied the thirteenth, meaning not a wedding date but the thirteenth amendment because she was against slavery and couldn’t marry Harry. She added that Harry was too dumb to be her husband, and he said a dumb person couldn’t make the millions that he did. Billie responded that didn’t make him a smart person either and she didn’t want the kind of life that he lived. After a heated argument, it was determined that Harry and Billie were going their separate ways, and then Harry, Ed, and JJ rushed around to find the paperwork because they had to get the companies back in Harry’s name ASAP since Billie was leaving him. Billie came into the room and casually sat on the sofa asking if they were looking for that stuff she was always signing because Paul had it. Harry asked Billie if she was selling him out, and then Paul appeared and Harry told JJ to lock the doors. Billie and Paul sat down and informed Harry that they knew he paid the senators $150,000 each in bribe money not to shut down the base, and Paul added that as a reporter, he was using his rights to reveal to the public the way Harry ran his businesses and bribed senators because the people had a right to know. Harry said he never met a guy who didn’t have his price and asked how much money Paul wanted to keep the secret, and reporter Paul said there were some things more important than money, like doing the right thing. As Harry had his back turned, Paul opened his jacket and showed Billie the senator’s checks he had in the inside pocket and told Billie to come with him because they were leaving. Harry tried to choke Paul out, and Ed, JJ, and Billie attempted to pull crazy Harry off. When he was thrown on the floor, Billie said he could have killed Paul, and Harry asked why she cared. She said she cared because she was going to marry Paul, and then Paul and Billie kissed. Billie told Harry that she wasn’t cheating on him, even though she wanted to but Paul wouldn’t let her. Harry wanted to drop the whole thing and told Paul he could have Billie and he wouldn’t have to worry about what Harry was doing. Harry had another hissy fit and said he didn’t care if Paul screwed Brock Village and to go ahead because Harry had plenty of other businesses. He told them both to get out of his sight, and Billie enlightened Harry that all of his other businesses belonged to her. She asked Harry why they didn’t go away and buy a house on the beach like she wanted to years ago, and he said he couldn’t because he had to work. Billie told him that would be corrected shortly when she walked out the door because he would have no businesses, and then she told Harry the deal that she would give the companies back to him, but only one at a time and only one a year. She added that Harry would first call the senators and get the bribe money back, and then he would get out of town or Paul would write the story. Harry said that the senators would close the base and he wouldn’t have his mall of his business if he took the money back, and when he asked Billie what he was supposed to do then, she suggested taking a watercolor class and walk on the beach. Billie added that since she was rich for a while, she would buy Harry his own beach, a watercolor class, and tickets to the museum to see the van Gogh painting she had been talking about when he ignored her repeatedly. She told Harry that doing those things would make him happy and perhaps he would find a little bit of what Billie found when she chose the right path in life. Billie kissed JJ bye, and Ed told everyone he loved Billie for her speech. She used Harry’s grumpy voice back at him telling him to do what she told him to do, and then Billie left the hotel room with Paul. This movie had the following listed on the cover art: American Movie Classics “Irresistible. It’s a hip, fun-filled, hilarious 10!” NBC-TV, Los Angeles “High-style entertainment!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/25/23

TITLE: Now and Then 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1995 New Line Cinema/Moving Pictures 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with Samantha Albertson (Sam, an adult author of Aliens Next Door type book) driving to her childhood home in Shelby, Indiana (which she said was a place she never wanted to see again and she picked the wrong week to quit smoking because she was a chain smoker and already had dozens of cigarettes in the ashtray). Sam had made a pact with her three childhood friends years before, Roberta Martin (obstetrician who supposedly lived with her boyfriend but he was never present), Teeny Tercell (Tina, actress with multiple marriages), and Chrissy DeWitt (supportive wife of Morton Williams the dentist) when they were twelve years old to get together whenever any one of them needed each other. Twenty years later, Chrissy was pregnant with her first child and wanted her friends with her at the birthing for support. Roberta was already at Chrissy’s house when Sam arrived, and then celebrity Teeny showed up in her stretch white limo and greeted her so-called friends by calling them bit**es. They went into the backyard for a cookout, where Sam said that someone having and raising a child led to them being inevitably screwed up by their parent, and the child would feel guilty about resenting their parent and then they would have a child and continue the vicious cycle. Back in the summer of 1970, the four twelve-year-old girls lived in the Gaslight Addition neighborhood of Shelby, and they decided that they wanted freedom and a place to call their own so their summer goal became raising the money to buy a treehouse. Tween Roberta wasn’t happy to discover that her breasts were still getting bigger when she measured them in her bra, so she taped them down because she didn’t have a mom influence since Roberta’s mom died when she was four and she grew up with her dad and three brothers. Roberta did keep a photo of her mom in her room, and she always put it in her pocket and never left the house without it. Teeny was an only child and her wealthy country-clubber parents were hardly ever around, which Sam said was the typical upbringing for actors and pathological liars. Chrissy asked her mom about sex, and her mom replied that she thought Chrissy was a bit young to know about that but since all of her friends were trash mouths, her mom would go ahead and tell Chrissy the facts. Chrissy’s mom explained sex using gardening terms, and that led to Chrissy being obsessed with gardening. While the girls were eating at the diner in town, they looked out the window and spotted Sam’s mom wearing shorty-shorts and tall boots, and they said she looked like Nancy Sinatra. The female waitress, Wiladene, brought their drinks and called them boys, and when they corrected her that they were girls, Wiladene replied that she knew that. Teeny said that Wiladene was a witch with voodoo dolls and that she saw a needle stuck in the heart of a doll that looked like Principal Winters the day before he had a heart attack. Sam’s parents were constantly arguing and didn’t get along, and Sam’s dad, Ted, moved out of the house. Nobody else in the Gaslight Addition was divorced, so Sam didn’t want to be different from her friends so she didn’t tell them about her dad leaving. That same night, the girls snuck out of the houses in the middle of the night and went to the cemetery to have an séance at Sam’s suggestion. Teeny wanted to summon Marilyn Monroe, but the others said that didn’t work out well the last time and they decided to try and contact Dear Johnny, a boy who was buried in the cemetery and died when he was twelve. Chrissy rocked back and forth and pretended that she could hear Johnny communicating to her in her head and telling her he was lonely and wanted a friend, and then Chrissy started laughing and said that she tricked them. They called her a fart a** and told her never to do that again because they were seriously freaked out, and Chrissy said the séance stuff was fake anyway. A lightning bolt then struck something near the girls and it started pouring down, and they made a run for it. Sam thought she saw somebody in the cemetery when she turned around, but her friends didn’t believe her. Sam went back home, but then she was convinced that Johnny visited her in her bedroom so she called a secret meeting with the other girls. They returned to the cemetery, where they discovered that Johnny’s headstone was cracked into pieces when it wasn’t before and the girls realized that their séance worked and they brought Johnny back from the dead. The next day, the girls rode their bicycles all the way to the Greenville Library so they could see the newspaper article that reported Johnny’s death. Along the way, they stopped outside a restaurant to eat lunch. They played truth or dare and Roberta picked truth, and the other girls wanted to know how big her boobs were. Roberta wouldn’t say, and Teeny asked if she could see Roberta’s. Roberta refused and Teeny said Roberta was lucky to have big breasts because men liked those, and it turned out that Teeny didn’t have real ones yet and was walking around with a balloon filled with pudding in the front of her shirt. Chrissy picked truth, and Teeny asked Chrissy if she had ever been French-kissed before. She replied no because she didn’t want to get pregnant since tongue-kissing a boy made the boy think the girl was going to have sex with him, and boys had the male curse so they couldn’t help it and were driven. The girls hit the road on their bikes again, and when they stopped for a rest under a tree, a bird pooped in Chrissy’s hair and the girls laughed about it instead of helping Chrissy. Chrissy washed her hair in the stream, and that led to the girls jumping into the water and playing around. Roberta then climbed up in a tree and was going to dive headfirst into the water, and the girls told her it was too shallow but she did it anyway. Roberta disappeared and the girls couldn’t figure out where she went, and then they started screaming because Roberta was floating facedown on the surface of the water nearby. They dragged her unconscious body onto, and neither Sam nor Teeny wanted to give Roberta mouth-to-mouth. Chrissy was about to do so, but then Roberta spit water in Chrissy’s face and said that Chrissy was her one true friend because she was the only one who tried to revive Roberta. Chrissy punched Roberta in the face and told her never to do that ever again. Adult Sam narrated that wasn’t the first time Roberta faked her own death because earlier that year, she scared her friends by jumping off the roof and pretending she broke her neck. The girls didn’t understand Roberta’s “jokes,” where she tried to make death funny, and they figured she was trying to make it easier for herself. Roberta and Chrissy made amends, and then the girls went to spy on the Wormer boys (Scott, Clay, Roger, and Eric Wormer whose summer goal was to make the girls’ lives miserable) who were swimming naked with their bare butts clearly visible. Teeny announced that she saw the eldest Scott’s penis and balls, and the girls quickly turned around again to try and see. Roberta said that she was the only one who didn’t see Scott’s thing, so she decided she was going to look under protest because she said her friends were forcing her to look. Roberta remarked that it wasn’t very big, and the other girls replied that it was small until the guy got a hard-on, which Roberta didn’t know about and thought her mom was misinformed for not telling her. The girls decided to steal the boys’ clothes and shouted to them from shore calling them a-holes, and all four Wormer boys got out of the water and ran naked through the woods after the girls holding their front parts until they found things to cover themselves with. The girls took off on their bikes throwing the boys’ underwear and other clothes as they went, and they rode away down the curvy road (on the wrong side) with the boys still running after the girls with the vivid images of their bare butts on the screen for several seconds (not appropriate for a kid’s movie). The girls made it to the Greenfield Library, where Roberta came across the newspaper article detailing the car crash in which her mom died of massive head injuries and severe internal bleeding after a drunk driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit Mrs. Martin head-on. Roberta made a photocopy of the article page and put it in her pocket, and then the girls found a very small article about the funerals of both Jonathan Simms and his mom, Beverly Anne, and there was no more information because several pages had been torn out of the book. The girls went back home on their bicycles, and along the way they approached a male Vietnam veteran with a leg injury he was limping from trying to hitchhike. They stopped alongside the road to talk, and the vet started smoking a cigarette and offered the girls cigarettes, and they all accepted except for Chrissy, didn’t want one because she said smoking stunted your growth. The soldier said he got a Purple Heart but didn’t wear because he didn’t think it was a huge honor, and he told the girls to forget about whatever they heard about the war because even the people who were in the war lied about what they had seen or done. Chrissy noticed that the man was wearing an earring and said he was a hippie, and she added that her mom told her all hippies were sex fiends. The veteran said that your parents aren’t always right and that he wished somebody told him that when he was the girls’ age, to which Sam replied no sh**. The girls left with Sam telling the man that she hoped he found whatever he was looking for. Another day, the girls were still looking for answers, so they went to Wiladene’s house and paid her $10 out of their treehouse fund so the mystic could do a tarot card reading and figure out how Johnny died, and they discovered that it was murder. The girls discovered that there was an ongoing softball game, and they didn’t want to go because it was just for boys, but tomboy Roberta wanted to play. One boy told Roberta that girls couldn’t play softball and to go home and play with her dolls (to which Chrissy replied that the only doll Roberta had was a G.I. Joe), and Roberta responded by punching the boy in the face so hard he fell backwards off the fence he was sitting on. All the boys screamed for a fight, and Roberta and the boy wrestled on the ground. When he said that it was too bad Roberta’s mom was dead because somebody needed to teach her how to act like a girl, Sam joined in and attacked the boy too. When Sam got home, her mom’s new boyfriend, Bud Kent, was there holding onto Sam’s little sister, Angela. Bud ate dinner with them and suggested they all go on a trip to D.C. before school started, and Mrs. Albertson agreed that was a good idea. Sam replied that her dad was going to take them there, and she told Bud that he had food stuck in his teeth. He jumped up and accidentally spilled wine all over his clothes, and when Mrs. Albertson gave him a jacket to wear with Ted’s name on it, Sam stormed out of the house and went to go see Teeny. Roberta played basketball outside her house, and Scott came along and played ball with her. Afterwards, he asked Roberta why they fought all the time because he thought she was a nice girl and he didn’t hate her like she had always thought. Roberta said that fighting was just something to do, and Scott asked if he could kiss her. Roberta agreed and then told Scott that she would beat the sh** out of him if he told any of his brothers about the kiss.Meanwhile, Teeny and Sam played truth and dare, and Teeny asked Sam whom she would kill for food if stranded on a deserted island with her three friends. Sam replied Chrissy because the overweight girl would feed more people, and they laughed about that. Sam asked Teeny if she liked her parents, and Teeny replied that she didn’t really know her parents but from what she could tell, they were a-holes. Sam said she agreed with what the soldier said about parents not knowing sh** even though they were adults. She then revealed that her dad moved out of the house and he and her mom were getting a divorce, and she lied that her parents got along because she wanted everybody to think she had a normal family, like the Brady Bunch or The Partridge Family. Teeny replied that both those TV families and many others had widows, which meant that there were no perfect families and it was normal for things to be shi**y. Sam said those people died and her dad chose to leave, and then Teeny broke her necklace into two friendship bracelets and kept one for herself and gave the other to Sam. The girls rode their bikes home in the rain, and along the way Sam realized that she lost her bracelet so she crawled into a culvert to retrieve it. However, it started raining harder and water flooded into the culvert almost up to Sam’s head, but Teeny couldn’t reach her. An elderly man named Pete (who the girls always called Crazy Pete and ran away from because they thought it was scary he only came out at night) appeared and removed the manhole and jumped into the water and rescued tween Sam. He explained that he went out at night because he didn’t like to see people and he didn’t think they liked to see him, and then he rode off on his bike with the girls realizing that Sam would have drowned if elder Pete hadn’t helped. The girls later went to Samantha’s grandmother’s house, and she confirmed that she knew Jonathan and Beverly Anne. The girls begged her to tell them what happened, but Grandma replied that it took her a long time to forget that tragedy and she didn’t want to think about it again, not to mention she was sure the story would give the girls nightmares for weeks. Grandma then rushed the girls out of the house so she could go to her bingo tournament, and once she was gone the girls looked through the attic. Sam found the newspaper article and read that Peter Simms came home one night to discover that his wife and son had been shot to death, and the sheriff’s department believed there was a burglar in the house who was caught off-guard when Beverly Anne and Jonathan woke up, so he shot them. That reminded Roberta of her mom, so she broke the record player and mirror which led to hysterical tears and her wondering why her mom had to die and why her dad lied to her that her mom was carried away by an angel and felt no pain when she died a painful death in a car accident. Sam mentioned her parents’ divorce, and then Chrissy suggested that they make a pact where they would always be there for each other no matter what. Everybody agreed, and it was all for one and one for all. The girls had another séance in the cemetery to put Johnny to rest, and then they spotted Johnny’s headstone, now intact, floating in midair with a bright light in the background. A man appeared and told the girls that the cemetery wasn’t a playground and the headstone got cracked when he knocked it over with his tractor by accident. The girls decided they weren’t going to do any more séances, and at that moment Sam knew their days of playing make-believe were over because they were getting too old for it. Sam spotted Pete in the cemetery, and she stayed behind while the other girls left so she could speak to him. She realized that he was Peter Simms, and he said that for a long time he thought he could have stopped the murder of his wife and son if he had been home instead of at the bar. He told Samantha that bad things would happen in her life that she couldn’t stop, but that didn’t mean she should shut out the world because there was a reason for the good and the bad. The girls finally bought their treehouse, and Samantha said that they thought it would bring them more independence, but the summer ended up bringing them independence from each other. In present day, Chrissy went into labor, and Roberta took charge of the situation and kicked the limo driver out of Teeny’s limo so Roberta could drive everybody to the hospital. Roberta the obstetrician delivered Chrissy’s baby girl (after Chrissy screamed at Roberta to give her the drugs of Chrissy would kill her, but Roberta said it was too late for the drugs) and didn’t even bother cleaning the baby girl off before giving her to Chrissy. Chrissy’s husband, Morton Williams the dentist, had been in the process of doing a root canal so he couldn’t make it to the hospital until after the birth. The four adult females later sat up in their treehouse, and Roberta held the baby saying that she looked like Rush Limbaugh. They played truth and dare, and Sam admitted that she wasn’t happy because she always ran away from her relationships with the belief that she couldn’t get hurt if she didn’t fall in love. Teeny mentioned that every Christmas she sent Pete a Christmas card, but last year the card came back because he died. Sam finally decided to tell her friends that Pete was Johnny’s dad, and the words he said to Sam in the cemetery meant more to her now than they did back then. Sam realized that she had been so worried about the bad things she missed out on the good, and she added that she didn’t want to come back to Shelby but was glad she did. The foursome then made another all for one and one for all pact that they would visit each other more often.   

The movie coverart had, “The best coming-of-age movie since Stand By Me.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/24/23

TITLE: License to Drive 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1988

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in California and began with sixteen-year-old Les Anderson sleeping in class. He dreamed that he was on a school bus with some other kids, all of them shackled by the ankle, and Les looked out the window and spotted his crush, Mercedes Lane, sitting in a red sports car. Les freed himself from his chain, jumped through the glass window on the emergency exit, and ran down the street as the bus driver, laughing like a maniac, turned the bus around and went after Les. He jumped into Mercedes’ car and sped off, and he lit a cigarette for Mercedes and then threw the match backwards toward the gas leaking out of a truck. That caused a huge explosion, and the busload of kids with the madman behind the wheel drove into the inferno. The school bell rang, and Les woke up and the teacher scolded him for sleeping through the driving class. He made Les write, “I will drive safely,” on the chalkboard about a hundred times, so Les missed the bus and had to ride home on his best friend Dean’s bicycle handlebars with Dean steering recklessly. Later that night, Les left the house in the middle of dinner to go to Debbi’s birthday party with Dean, and Dean wanted his mom to drop them off away from the house so he wouldn’t be seen in a car with his mom driving. They were still spotted by a couple of guys, who asked Les and Dean if mommy held their dicks when they peed and then sped off laughing. Mercedes was at the party with her Italian boyfriend, Paolo, who didn’t want to be there and tried to convince Mercedes to leave. She refused and then announced that she was going out on Saturday night to the club with a different date, and she randomly pointed to Les and said that he was her date. Les played along, and Paolo left. The next day after school, Dean and his friend, Charles, told Les to go ask Mercedes sitting on a bench if she really meant what she said about going out with Les, but before he could talk to Mercedes his dad appeared. Grandpa was away and didn’t like to take his sixteen-year-old classic ’73 Cadillac with only 20,000 miles on it on long trips, so he left it at the Anderson house and took Dad’s car instead. Dad wanted to give Les a driving lesson in the neighborhood, and when Les spotted Mercedes walking down the street he asked his dad to get out of the car so Les could drive by Mercedes and talk to her for a minute. Les offered to give her a ride to her house that was just down the street, but she said she was headed to a friend’s house in Cedarwood. Les didn’t want to admit that he didn’t have his license yet, so he drove Mercedes to Cedarwood with Dad standing on the street shouting after Les and holding boxes of diapers for the baby that his very pregnant wife was soon to have. Les dropped Mercedes off and asked if they could still go out Saturday night, and she agreed. Les and his twin sister, Natalie, went to the DMV to take their driver’s test the next day, and Les got one question right but then got five more wrong, so he failed because he didn’t pay attention in class. He was mad and hit the computer, and everybody else’s computer screens went black. A female employee informed Les that because of the computer malfunction, they couldn’t pull up his test results, but because Natalie passed the test with a perfect score, the DMV was going to pass Les as well and allow him to take the road test because they didn’t think the twin siblings could be very different. Les got into one of the student cars, and the driving teacher’s method was to put his cup of hot coffee filled to the brim on the dashboard and then either pass or fail Les depending on if his driving caused any of the coffee to spill on the teacher and burn him or not. Les passed, and both he and Natalie received their licenses, but before Les could leave the building, the female from earlier approached him and said that they were able to retrieve his test results from the computer and he failed. She said that what God giveth, the DMV taketh away, and she snatched Les’s license out of his hands and tore it in half adding that he shouldn’t fu** with the DMV because they could make his life a living hell. At home, Les lied to his parents that he got his license, and Dad tossed him the keys Mom’s car to take it for a spin but Les refused and made up a bunch of excuses not to. However, Mom found the paper with the “test failed,” stamp on it when she was doing laundry because Les left it in his pants pocket, and Dad grounded Les for two weeks. Later that night, Mercedes called Les to confirm that they still had a date, and he agreed thinking that nothing could go wrong. He snuck Grandpa’s Cadillac out of the garage and took Mercedes to the club, and Les didn’t want to park in the towaway zone, but Mercedes said it was fine because nobody would tow away the car on a Saturday night. Inside, Mercedes spotted Paolo with his new girlfriend, and Mercedes slapped Paolo across the face and then ran out of the club with a bottle of champagne that she stole. When she and Les went outside, they discovered that the Cadillac was being towed away, but Les offered the driver $80 (all the money he had) to get the car back. Les drove to a “quiet spot,” which was a cliff edge overlooking the city while Mercedes downed the champagne the whole way. Les put a Frank Sinatra tape in the car because the “Mercedes Date Make-Out Songs” tape broke, and Mercedes finished off the champagne bottle and started dancing to the music on the hood of the car. Les joined her and they started kissing, but then Les noticed that their weight was causing the hood to cave in so he almost had to drag drunken Mercedes into the car. Les took the car to Dean’s house so he could fix the hood, and Dean convinced Les to drive to Archie’s Atomic, a teen hangout. Charles came along for the ride too, and Dean was about to smoke a cigar but Les told him not to because his dad would slaughter him if he left any evidence that he took the car. Meanwhile, Mom woke up and told Dad that it was like a sauna in the house, and he went to the garage to turn on the air conditioning. Just as he was trying to fix the AC, Mom called out that she wasn’t hot anymore and was hungry instead, and Dad went to get her some food and didn’t even notice the car missing from the garage. Dean was in the backseat with passed out Mercedes, and he opened the front of her shirt and used the camera to take pictures of the young female teen’s breasts. When Les turned around and tried to take the camera from Dean, he was blinded by the flash and couldn’t see to drive. He spun circles in the road, crashed through a fence and went flying down an embankment, and then miraculously skidded to a halt in a parking space outside a diner without hitting anything else. Dean convinced Les that they should still go to Archie’s after all of that, and they put Mercedes in the trunk and headed to Archie’s, where Dean found three girls for them to hook up with. Charles accidentally put a scratch on someone’s car when he opened his door. Les sped off away from Archie’s to escape the angry people. They drove by Allied Technologies, where a group of people (including Natalie and her communist boyfriend) was protesting against the late-night transportation of military hardware through the streets. The protestors started banging on the Cadillac, and Natalie spotted Les and knew he didn’t have his license, so she was shocked to see him out driving. Les told Natalie not to tell their parents, and he hurried off but was stopped at a police roadblock where the officers were checking for drunk drivers. Les lied to an officer that he left his license at home and only had his student bus pass, and once the officer walked away Les admitted to his buddies that he didn’t get his license. The officer wanted to check inside the trunk, and he saw Mercedes and demanded an explanation. Before Les could say anything, another officer appeared and told the first officer that they needed to go handle the riot, so the officer told Les that he got lucky this time and left in the police car. As the boys lifted Mercedes out of the trunk, a drunken man stole the Cadillac and sped off with it crashing through the roadblock. The kids jumped into the drunk’s car to go after him, and he drove recklessly swerving and crashing the Cadillac into things and even vomiting in the car. When Les discovered that the man passed out at the wheel, he told Dean and Charles to take control of the car while Les leaned out the window and crawled into the window of the Cadillac to step on the brake. Les made it back to the neighborhood by early morning, and he dropped his buddies off and carried Mercedes to her door. She was now awake and thought everything that happened was a dream, and before she went inside she kissed Les. Meanwhile, Mom thought she was having the baby and Dad rushed her out of bed to the garage, but before they reached the door Mom announced that it was a false alarm, which gave Les the opportunity to quickly park the car in the garage. Dad wondered why the garage door was open and why Natalie, who took Mom’s car to the protest, wasn’t home yet. Robert inspected the banged-up Cadillac and discovered Les hiding on the floor of the car, and as Mom was on the floor going into labor because it turned out not to be a false alarm, Robert lectured Les about how the college fund that his parents put aside would disappear, and so would his free room and board, his social life, and his belongings. Dad then realized that Mom was having an emergency, and he quickly put her in the car. She wanted her husband to sit in the backseat with her, so Dad agreed to let Les drive. Les had to drive backwards because reverse was the only gear that was working, and they made it to the hospital where Mom was rushed inside to give birth to her second set of twins. As Dad and Les were walking up the stairs into the hospital, all was forgiven and Dad told his son that maybe they could get the car fixed and Grandpa wouldn’t notice. However, the construction workers nearby then dropped a beam onto the Cadillac, which completely totaled it. Grandpa showed up at the family’s door soon after demanding to know where his car was, and they took him to the garage to see the Cadillac. He started laughing hysterically and handed Dad the keys saying he had a little trouble with his car too, and then a tow truck appeared with the BMW that was in even worse shape than the Cadillac. Dad mentioned how Les had wanted a BMW once he got his license and said that the smashed-up BMW was all his. Les replied that he didn’t need the BMW because he had a Mercedes, and then Mercedes pulled up in her VW and Les got behind the wheel and sped off. On the movie cover art, Kevin Thomas from the Los Angeles Times said “A wild, non-stop, freewheeling adventure!” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/23/23

TITLE: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Universal Pictures/Marc Platt/Big Talk Films Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Toronto, Canada, and began with 22-year-old Scott Pilgrim telling his Sex Bob-Omb rock band members that he was dating a 17-year-old Chinese girl named Knives Chau who was from a Catholic school. Scott said that he and Knives hadn’t kissed or had sex yet, but they hung out together. Scott’s buddies wanted to know when they would get to meet Knives, and then she showed up at the door. After she left, the band told Scott that Knives was awesome. Scott went home to the apartment that he shared with his gay roommate, 25-year-old Wallace Wells, and when Scott told Wallace that he was dating a 17-year-old, Wallace asked if “he,” was cute and if it meant Wallace and Scott would have to stop sleeping together because they also shared the same bed along with Wallace’s friend, the “other,” Scott who was also 22. Scott told Wallace not to tell anyone about Knives, and Wallace immediately sent a text to Scott’s 18-year-old sister, Stacey, who couldn’t believe that Scott was dating someone so young after he broke up with Envy Adams a year ago. Scott said that Envy (real name Natalie) turned into a bit** and ruined his life forever after her band, The Clash at Demonhead (TCAD) got signed to a major label. That night, Scott had a strange dream featuring a pink-haired girl, and the next morning when he was at the library with Knives, he spotted that girl. The band went to a red Solo cups party at 20-year-old Julie Powers’ house, where Scott asked 25-year-old Comeau (who supposedly knew everybody) about the pink-haired girl, and Comeau informed Scott that her name was Ramona Flowers and she was at the party. Scott found Ramona off in the corner by herself, and he told her about how Pac-Man used to be called Puck-Man but they changed the name because they were afraid people would scratch off the “P,” and turn it into an “F.” Ramona wasn’t impressed by that little known fact, and Scott awkwardly said he would now leave her alone forever, but then he stalked her until she left the party. Scott started asking around about Ramona, and he learned that she was from America, had a boyfriend in New York, and just moved to Toronto because she got a job at Amazon. 22-year-old Stephen Stills from Sex Bob-Omb said that Ramona broke up with her boyfriend, and Julie didn’t want Scott to know that and forbid him from hitting on Ramona because she said Ramona was way out of Scott’s league and he needed to forget about the strange attraction he had to her. Wallace came home later that night, and Scott told him all about Ramona (with Wallace repeating everything he said but replacing the female pronouns with male pronouns to pretend they were talking about a guy) and how he thought she was the girl of his dreams. Wallace suggested that Scott break up with his fake high-school girlfriend, and then Scott got a message email from someone named Matthew Patel who said they were going to have a duel to the death. Scott deleted the e-mail and bought a package from Amazon hoping Ramona would show up at his door to deliver it. Stephen later informed his band members that he got them into the Toronto International Battle of the Bands, and if they won they would get a record deal with G-Man Graves, the Indie producer of the millennium. That night, Scott dreamed that Ramona delivered his package, and then she did just that. Scott refused to sign for the package until Ramona agreed to hang out with him, and she said she would if he signed, which he did very quickly. They went for a walk in the park and talked about themselves, and Scott said that their date was a disaster and Ramona replied that “act of God,” was a pretty decent excuse for a lousy date. The two went to Ramona’s house to have a cup of Sleepytime tea, and afterwards Scott walked in on Ramona while she was changing. Ramona, in her black bra and underwear, kissed naked Scott in the bed, but then she decided that she didn’t want to have sex with him at the moment and added that she would let him sleep in her bed and she reserved the right to change her mind about the sex later. The next morning, Scott asked Ramona to come to the Battle of the Bands later that night, and she agreed. Crash and the Boys band from Brampton (“Crash” aka Lucas Wilson, “Joel” aka Joel Macmillan, and drummer unknown) went first, and Wallace asked Crash if their girl drummer was a boy too. Crash replied yes, and the girl gave Wallace the middle finger and Kim was shocked to see that the drummer was female. The band’s first song had only two words, and their second song was titled “We Hate You, Please Die,” and Crash said it went out to Wallace who kept yelling from the balcony (and was also flirting with Stacey’s boyfriend, Jimmy). As Sex Bob-Omb came out on stage, underage Knives, who now had her hair copy cut short like Ramona, fainted. They sang a weird song about garbage trucks, garbage men, and queens, but were interrupted by Matthew Patel crashing through the ceiling and telling Scott (in his Plumtree shirt) that their fight had begun. Wallace shouted for Scott to fight, and he and Matthew, Ramona’s first evil ex-boyfriend, had a comic-book style fight. Ramona explained that back in the seventh grade, all the football jocks wanted Ramona. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town, so he and Ramona worked together to bring down all the jocks in a fight that lasted for hours. They only kissed once, and after a week and half Ramona broke up with Matthew. Matthew summoned his sexy Demon Hipster Chicks to sing backup vocals for him as he threw fireballs at Scott, but Scott was able to defeat Matthew and he turned into a pile of coins. Ramona quickly excused herself from Stacey and told her to tell her gay friends that Ramona said bye, and Stacey didn’t know what Ramona meant until she turned around and saw the two men, Wallace and Jimmy, kissing passionately. The announcer declared Sex Bob-Omb the winners of that round, and Scott and Ramona got on the bus, where she explained that if they were going to date he would have to defeat her seven evil exes. Scott went back to the apartment and told Wallace that he got to second base the previous night and was having a second date that night with Ramona coming over for dinner, so Wallace needed to scram because Scott didn’t want Wallace gaying up the place. Wallace gave Scott an ultimatum that he would only leave if Scott broke up with Knives. Knives invited Scott to her birthday dinner at her house to meet her parents, and Scott tried to say that he was too old for Knives and asked her if she was allowed to date outside of her own race. She replied that she didn’t care they were different races because she was in love with Scott, and then he told her that he thought they should break up because it wasn’t going to work out. During band practice, Kim wanted to know if Knives was coming over, and Scott replied that they broke up and soon the other band members would get to meet his new-new girlfriend. Kim Pine, the 23-year-old drummer, made a gun gesture with her hand and pretended to shoot herself in the head, and then Ramona showed up at the door. Scott noticed that her hair was now blue, and she said that she changed her hair color every week and a half and to get used to it. Scott skipped out on practice and took Ramona to his apartment, and forty-five minutes after Wallace left to go stalk his hetero crush at the “castle,” where a movie was being filmed, Scott and Ramona were making out. They went for a walk, and Ramona said Scott seemed a little heightened, to which Scott replied that he felt like he was on drugs when he was with her. He quickly added that he didn’t do drugs, unless Ramona did drugs, in which case Scott did drugs all the time, every kind of drug. Scott and Ramona walked to the castle, where Wallace spotted his crush, Lucas Lee the skateboarding actor, and said he wanted to have Lucas’s adopted babies. When Ramona spotted Lucas, she said they had to go because she used to date him in ninth grade when he followed her around. Lucas Lee, the second evil ex, had a score to settle with Scott and started punching him. Lucas’s look-alike stunt team appeared to back him up and attacked Scott with their skateboards, and when the skateboards were smashed to pieces they punched and kicked Scott on the ground with Lucas standing in the background saying he was going to get a coffee and asking his homies if they wanted anything. When Lucas turned back around, all his men were unconscious on the ground, and Lucas and Scott had a one-on-one fight. Lucas told Scott to prepare to feel the wrath of the League of the Evil Exes, which were all coming to kill Scott so they could control the future of Ramona’s love life. Scott mentioned that there were girls watching in order to convince Lucas to do a dangerous grind skateboard stunt down a stair railing, and Wallace brought Lucas his board. That ended in an epic failure where Lucas exploded at the end of the railing and was defeated, and back at the apartment Wallace told Scott that he had to step up his game and break out the L-word. Scott asked if that was lesbian, and Wallace replied that it was the other L-word, love, and Scott needed to let Ramona know she was the girl of his dreams. Wallace added that he also needed Scott to move out.Envy called Scott, and when she learned that his new girlfriend’s name was Ramona, she said she didn’t know Ramona but quickly hung up. Wallace opened the door and Knives wanted to know if Scott was there, Wallace lied that Scott left just as Scott jumped head-first through a window behind Wallace and then walked down the street behind the back of Knives who stood at the front door. Scott encountered Ramona’s third ex, female Roxy Richter who looked like the Harlequin with a Southern accent and dog-collar necklace, and Scott punched her in the boob. Roxy said now she had to kill Scott, and he said he didn’t want to fight right now so Roxy agreed to come back later saying she would be deadly serious next time. Scott stopped at the coffee shop where Stacey worked, but he just missed her because she left for the day. Julie was at the counter and was swearing left and right about how Scott was dating Ramona when Julie told him not to. Scott ordered a caramel macchiato, and Ramona appeared and apologized for disappearing the previous night after Lucas was defeated. She said she could be hard to be around and she understood if Scott didn’t want to hang out with her any more, but he did. Scott and Ramona left the coffee shop and went to her house. Later that night, the other Scott accused Scott of being gay because he didn’t have sex with Ramona while he was at her house, and Scott argued that he didn’t do it because he couldn’t stop thinking about Envy. The other Scott and Wallace were still sharing the bed with Scott, but now Jimmy was also sleeping with them (4 men in one bed) and they told Scott that it was over and to move on, so Scott announced that he would forget Envy. The next day, Stephen announced that TCAD was doing a secret show the following night at Lee’s Palace and Envy asked Stephen’s band to open for hers, and Scott replied that he hated Stephen. Stephen said that a gig was a gig and Scott needed to put his past aside to help the band get through it, and that the next round of the battle was coming up and G-Man might be at the show, so they needed to get some buzz going. Stephen added that they needed stalkers, but they already had a stalker because little did they know, Knives was at the window staring at Scott and Ramona sitting close together. Knives told her friend that Scott was now dating a fat-a** white hipster chick, so Knives dyed half of her hair blue to look like Ramona, and she announced that Ramona Flowers stole her Scott, but Knives knew how to get him back. She texted “YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT,” to Neil so they could hook up at Lee’s Palace. It was there after Sex Bob-Omb’s performance that Ramona encountered Knives in the bathroom and thought Knives was a nut job for copying Ramona and walked out (how did 17-year-old Knives get into the bar?). After TCAD’s performance, Julie informed Sex Bob-Omb that Envy wanted to see them backstage, where Envy sat across from her ex, Scott, and Envy’s new boyfriend, Todd, sat across from his ex, Ramona. Envy and Todd hated on their exes, and when Knives chimed in she ended up getting punched in the face by Todd and he said he was a rock star and he was not afraid to hit a girl. Neil picked Knives up and announced that Todd punched the highlights out of her hair. Scott tried to go after Todd, but Todd fought back with his glowing eyes the superpowers he got from being vegan. Ramona explained to Scott that the minute Todd walked by her, she dumped Lucas and started dating Todd. They hated everyone and wrecked stuff and nobody cared, and Todd punched a hole in the moon for Ramona. A week and a half later, Todd’s dad sent him to the Vegan Academy so Ramona dumped him. Envy told Scott to give up on Ramona because Todd was going to kill him, and then Todd threw Scott through another brick wall.Scott’s band members told him they were leaving to get Pizza Pizza and for him to catch up with them when he was done playing around. Scott and Todd had a guitar battle (with the word “vs,” on the screen looking more like “us,” with the colors red, white and blue), and Todd sent Scott crashing through multiple walls. Scott then tricked Todd into losing his vegan power by giving him the coffee with half-and-half instead of soy. The Vegan Police showed up and arrested Todd Ingram for veganity violation, which was imbibement of half-and-half. Because it was Todd’s third offense, the Vegan Police use their laser finger guns to de-veganize Todd and he lost his powers on the spot. Scott headbutted Todd to defeat him, and he turned into a bunch of coins. Scott and Ramona left to meet up with the band for pizza, and they decided that they would go to the after-party. It was there that Scott asked what Ramona did to make to her ex-boyfriends so insane, and she evaded the question and asked him who broke up with whom in the Scott-Knives situation. Scott replied that he did and Knives was cool with it because she was very mature for her and was now with Neil, even as Knives was glaring knives at Scott when he walked by. Scott mentioned Ramona’s ex-boyfriends again, and she told him that it was exes. He asked why she kept correcting him about that, and then Roxy appeared and Scott finally understood that Ramona and Roxy were girlfriend/girlfriend. Ramona said it was just a phase that didn’t last and it meant nothing to her, and she was bi-curious at the time. Roxy replied that she was bi-furious, and she kicked at Scott’s head but Ramona caught her foot in midair. The two females started fighting with Ramona using a mallet and Roxy used a chain that she swung around. Roxy announced that it was a League game and Scott had to defeat her, and when Scott said he couldn’t hit a girl, Ramona told him he didn’t have a choice. She told Scott that Roxy’s weak point was the back of her knees, and Ramona knew that from the times she and Roxy made out. Scott tapped Roxy on the back of the knee, and she fell to the ground moaning and disappeared into a pile of coins. Scott and Ramona went to the bar, and he sarcastically told her that she should give him a list of her exes so he would have an idea who he would have to fight next. He asked if there was anybody at the party she hadn’t slept with, and Ramona said they should split up and walked away from Scott saying he was just another evil ex waiting to happen. She turned around and gave him the list, and Scott discovered that now he had to defeat the Katayanagi Twins (which counted as two separate exes) and Gideon Graves. Scott asked who the twins were, and Stephen explained that the Japanese Katayanagi Twins, Kyle and Ken, were the next band in the battle. At the battle, Stephen freaked out when he learned that their band and the Twins were going to be performing at the same time, and Kim told Scott that she didn’t care, but he should talk to Ramona who was in the audience speaking to Gideon (who Scott learned was G-Man). The Twins played their music and summoned two dragon apparitions, and Sex Bob-Omb summoned a beast to fight the dragons. The harder and louder they played, the stronger the beast got until it was able to defeat the dragons, thus defeating the Twins. Scott ran outside to catch up with green-haired Ramona and tell her that he didn’t care about her past because he was in lesbians (love) with her. Ramona said that she and Scott had to break up because she couldn’t help herself around Gideon. Gideon appeared and announced that he loved Sex Bob-Omb and he wasn’t even going to wait for the final round because right now he was signing them for a three-album contract. He handed Scott the contract, and Scott tossed it aside and said they weren’t selling their souls to Gideon. However, Stephen snatched the contract up and he and Kim signed it, and Scott announced that he wasn’t going to sign but it didn’t matter because Neil took Scott’s place as the bass guitarist and signed the contract. Ramona got into Gideon’s limo, and before they sped off Gideon told Scott that he was in a dark place when he created the League of Evil Exes and Gideon asked forgiveness. Scott then realized that he said lesbians instead of love, and when he got back home Wallace told Scott that he loved him, but Wallace needed his own bed that night and the rest of the year for sex with his new boyfriend. He suggested that Scott move in with Ramona, and when he replied that she was with Gideon. Wallace said it was probably because Gideon was better than Scott and either way the fight was over. Gideon called Scott and apologized for what happened earlier saying he didn’t want any hard feelings, and Scott asked if Ramona was with Gideon (which she was). Scott screamed because he spilled hot cocoa on his crotch, and then Gideon said he was opening a new Chaos Theatre in Toronto and the Sex Bob-Ombs were playing their grand opening that night. Gideon didn’t think it would be right if Scott wasn’t there too, and Scott said he would be there. Wallace was listening to the conversation on another phone and told Scott to forget what he said earlier about giving up because Scott needed to defeat Gideon. Scott ran to the Chaos Theatre, where Gideon told him that the League was ancient history and Ramona made her choice to be with Gideon and they all had to move on. Scott confirmed that he was there to fight Gideon for Ramona because he was in love with her, and an electronic game voice said that Scott earned the power of love and a flaming red sword appeared in his chest. He pulled the sword out and used it to defeat a bunch of goons that Gideon summoned, and then Knives appeared with her own swords and told Ramona that she would pay for what she did to Scott because she stole teen Knives’ adult boyfriend. The females started fighting, but Scott got between them and told them that nobody stole anything and he cheated on Knives with Ramona. Gideon then came up behind Scott and stabbed him in the back with his sword going all the way through Scott, and Gideon said game over and took his sword out of Scott. Gideon told Scott, who was not moving on the ground, that he could cheat on those ladies all he wanted, but he couldn’t cheat death. He woke up in a dream world, and Ramona explained that she was obsessed with Gideon, but he ignored her and she was more alone during their relationship than she had ever been on her own. Ramona left, and that was when Gideon started paying attention. Ramona said that Gideon literally had a way of getting into her head because had a chip on the back of her neck. She said she didn’t mean for Scott to get involved, and before she disappeared she added that she wasn’t the one who he should have been fighting for. Ramona’s voice told Scott he wasn’t alone, and then suddenly he was alive again and went back in time to right before he arrived at the Chaos Theatre. This time, Scott said he wanted to fight Gideon for himself, and a sword of self-respect sprouted out of Scott’s chest. He used it to defeat Gideon with one strike, and when Knives appeared Scott apologized for cheating on both her and Ramona. Ramona’s chip powered off, but then Gideon appeared behind them because he wasn’t defeated yet. The fight turned into deadly 2-player mode when Knives joined in, and Scott kicked Gideon in the head so he blew up into millions of coins. Ramona told Scott that he and Knives made a good combo. Gideon started speaking through his pair of broken glasses that he left behind, and he asked Scott if he could defeat himself. Nega Scott, a red-eyed version of Scott, appeared behind him, and Scott told the girls that he didn’t want their help because he had to defeat himself by himself. Ramona and Knives were sent outside to wait, and a short time later Scott came out of the club talking to Nega Scott like they were best friends. Scott announced that Nega was actually a really nice guy and they had a lot in common. Ramona said now it was time for her to disappear because she came to Canada escape from the past but it kept catching up to her, and she didn’t want any more people to get hurt because of her. Scott understood, and Ramona thanked him for being the nicest guy she ever dated, and she started walking away. Knives told Scott to go get Ramona because he had been fighting for her all along and Knives was okay with him being with Ramona. Knives gave Scott a kiss on the cheek and said she was too cool for him anyway. Scott caught up to Ramona and they walked away hand in hand. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Peter Travers from Rolling Stone said, “A game-changer,” and also, “A knockout.” Entertainment Weekly said, “A true original.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/22/23

TITLE: A Bush Christmas (The Christmas Stallion)

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1983 Barron Films/Umbrella Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This movie takes place in Tullageal, Australia at Christmastime and began with rancher Ben Thompson going to meet with the banker, Carroll, to ask for another six months to catch up on his mortgage which he was behind on because of floods and a drought. Carroll tried to make Ben an offer on the ranch, but he flat-out refused it and Carroll told him that the deadline was January 1st. Ben and his wife, Kate, dropped off their three kids, Helen, Johnny, and Michael, at the Tullageal Gala Christmas Dance. When it was over, Ben and Kate came to pick the kids up, and the family was followed home by two men, Bill and his adult son Sly, who overheard that the family was planning to enter their prize horse, Prince, in the New Year’s cross-country race in hopes and winning and using the money to save their ranch. Bill and Sly wanted to “borrow,” Prince and enter him in a few bush races to fill their own bank and then turned Prince loose. They waited until dark when all the lights in the house were off, and then they stole not just Prince, but also the other two horses in Prince’s paddock and a gun. The next day, Ben went on a cattle drive to sell the cattle, and Manalpuy, the Aborigine hired adult ranch hand, discovered that the horses were missing. The radio wasn’t working and neither was the truck because Bill tampered with both items so the family wouldn’t be able to get help. Helen the eldest child wanted to go look for the horses, and her mom Kate told her no, so later that night young teen Helen told Michael and John that she was going to find the horses against her mom’s wishes. She was going to go with Manalpuy on horseback, but her brothers snuck out of the house behind her and wanted to come too. It turned out that Sly couldn’t actually ride a horse like he said he could, so Bill took Prince on a test ride and was happy to discover that Prince was very fast and they would make a lot of money with him. Manalpuy and the kids camped out in the woods for the night, and the next morning they heard a gunshot and thought they were being shot at but it was just Bill using his stolen gun to shoot a rabbit for food. The foursome got caught in a thunderstorm, and they took shelter in a cave with their tack and left the horses outside in the rain. Manalpuy left to get firewood and told the kids to take off their wet clothes and dry them. Michael held up a blanket in front of Helen and turned his head while she undressed, and when Michael told John to turn his head too he replied that he had seen Helen naked before, not to mention he was her brother. John tried to sneak over and see Helen by climbing up high on a rock, but Helen ducked down out of sight. Michael and John undressed too and they all wrapped themselves in blankets. Meanwhile, Kate had found the kids missing the morning after they left, and because she couldn’t fix the truck or radio, she went on foot to find her husband and tell him what happened. Kate rode double on Ben’s horse back to the ranch with Jack, another ranch hand, and the two men dropped Kate off and then went to the find the kids. Manalpuy and John went out hunting for food on Christmas Eve, and they brought a lizard back for dinner. Michael and Helen said they wouldn’t eat the lizard if they were starving to death, and when Manalpuy cooked the lizard, Helen spit it out, Michael vomited, and John collected a bunch of worms and started eating the crawling creatures. On Christmas morning, Michael gave John his own pocketknife as a Christmas gift because he knew his little brother wanted a knife. Manalpuy climbed up a tree and sighted the two criminals, and he and the kids waited until dark and crept around the campsite. They took the horses and Bill and Sly’s other belongings, and John tried to take the gun which Bill was holding while he slept but the gun fired and all six of the horses (the stolen ones and the ones Manalpuy and the kids were riding) escaped. Bill woke up and started firing wildly at the foursome as they ran off. The next day, the kids got rid of the things they took from Bill and Sly’s campsites, and then they stumbled across an abandoned house. There were cobwebs everywhere, and the kids screamed when they saw a large snake on the dining table. Michael tried to speak to an old lady sitting in a chair with her back to him, but when he turned the chair around the lady was a skeleton still wearing her glasses and clothes, and it was obvious that she had been dead for many years and nobody bothered to bury her. Michael fainted at the sight, and then Bill and Sly appeared and tied the kids and Manalpuy to the ceiling. They stationed themselves outside, and Manalpuy and the kids were able to almost immediately free themselves and escape out the window. Bill and Sly chased them, and Helen fell into a hole. Sly tried to grab Manalpuy and the kids, but they ended up falling into the muddy hole as well, all except for John who hid. Bill and Sly agreed that they would keep going and try to find the horses and leave the kids and Manalpuy where they were because the criminals figured that the police were already on their trail and somebody would come along and help the kids. They didn’t have to look far for the horses because they appeared right behind Bill and Sly. Water was pouring into the hole from a pipe very fast, and John tied a bunch of bridles together to make a rope so the others could climb out of the hole. Bill and Sly only went a short distance before Bill decided that he wasn’t going to leave the kids in the hole and turned around, and Sly protested that they would end up in jail if they went back but he followed anyway. Helen and Manalpuy were first out of the hole, but then they realized that Michael was too short to reach the bridle rope and the water level was now up to his head. Bill and Sly came running with their rope (which Bill had actually left in plain sight outside the barn for somebody to find, but John didn’t see it) and got Michael out of the hole. Bill told Helen that he would leave two horses with them so they could get back home as long as they promised they wouldn’t try to follow Bill and Sly, and Helen agreed. John refused to let Prince go, and Bill had a sudden change of heart and decided to let the kids take back Prince and the other five horses. Ben and Jack came over the hill as Manalpuy and the kids were walking away from Bill and Sly, and they all went home together. At the New Years’ race, Carroll told Ben that he was entering his own horse in the race, and that horse was a champion steeplechaser who had won every race he’d ever been in. After hearing that, Ben told his family that he didn’t think Prince stood a chance against the steeplechaser. As the race started, Prince and his jockey, Manalpuy, were delayed and stayed in last place for the first half of the race until they gained some ground, and Prince just barely crossed the finish line in front of Carroll’s horse but he won. Ben immediately gave the prize money to Carroll to pay off the mortgage, and Bill and Sly bet on Prince and won some money. Bill told Sly said that he wanted to start a small shearing facility and “borrow,” about a dozen sheep from each farm they passed by and keep them for an hour or two, and then they would return the sheep to the farms and nobody lost anything. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/21/23

TITLE: Angels In Stardust

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014 Arc Entertainment/High Motor Productions/Hip Films/Inception Film Partners

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in the small Texas (Texas/OK border) trailer park town of Stardust (but the characters called it Tardust because the sign was missing the “s,”) and began with teenager Vallie Sue Russell talking to her imaginary cowboy friend that she fantasized about from a TV show to pass the time because her mom, Tammy, was rarely home. Vallie got into her teen friend Loretta’s car (with a “Getting it done for God” bumper sticker), and Loretta drove backwards to church to save on mileage. After the service, the girls lied to the reverend about where their parents were and then headed on over to the Two Kiss Drive Up Diner, where Vallie said that her mom was away from home most weekends anyway. Later that night, Tammy was dropped off at home by a man while Vallie and her little brother, Pleasant, were home watching TV. Tammy was drunk, so she yelled at her kids and threw her shoes across the room, and then she went to take a bath before bed. Vallie went into the bathroom where Tammy was smoking a cigarette in the bathtub, and Vallie told Tammy that her boss, Ashley Sunday, called and wanted Tammy to come into her funeral parlor job early the following day because three people were killed in a car accident. They discussed the younger man that 31-year-old Tammy was currently dating and how Vallie didn’t want to meet him, and Tammy said that was good because he was just a 99-cent musician and couldn’t help their family anyway. The next morning at the funeral parlor, Tammy flirted with Fred Hogan, the man who survived the car accident, and told him that she would be over at his house that night to cook dinner as part of the services and help him with his “owie,” (his hurt arm) and make sure people showed up to the funeral. Tammy intended to make good on what she told Fred by telling Vallie to get her friends to attend the funeral, even bribing them if she had to. As they walked down the road to the funeral procession, Loretta (dressed in one of her many half-shirts) told Pleasant, who was about six years old, that she would bring him and Vallie to Two Kiss and buy them sodas, and then Loretta and Pleasant would make out in the backseat like lovers. Pleasant was totally grossed out by that, and Tammy brought Loretta a coat to wear over her horrible attire. Tammy had a disagreement with Ashley her boss because he suggested she go to church to meet men instead of trying to pick them up at the funerals, and Tammy said that was comparable to going to the VA hospital and she wasn’t hurting anybody doing what she was doing. Vallie and Loretta hung out in the cemetery, as it was getting dark, and Vallie stared at a statue of Jesus wearing cowboy boots. Vallie’s girlfriend Loretta told her that if she thought that was sacrilege, she could come on a Saturday night because it was a regular Sodom and Gomorrah with all of the teens making out and partying. Tammy and the trailer house neighbor, Addie Stubblefield, had lemonade and drank to how they would both take planting corpses to picking cotton any day. Vallie and Loretta later watched teens go into Old Ray’s house, and they could see the flashes from pictures being taken. The girls were curious what the other teens kept doing in that building, so they went to investigate and saw through the window a possibly naked teen girl screaming and someone taking pictures. A Native American man named Tenkill caught the girls and told them to get out of there because there was nothing in there they needed to see. The next day, Old Ray told Vallie that he saw her snooping around his place the previous night and asked her if she wanted to come in some time. She said no, and Old Ray replied that maybe when Vallie grew up in a while they could dance together and it would change her life. Even though she was the same minor teen age as them, Francine Twogood wouldn’t tell Vallie and Loretta what happened inside Old Ray’s trailer because Francine was afraid of what would happen if she snitched on them. Ghost Cowboy and Vallie rode a horse double together in her imagination, and he told her it was safe that the only thing she knew about sex was from movies even though it wasn’t real because she was too young to get mixed up in that. The next day, widower Fred dropped Tammy off at her house, and she kissed him before she came inside to Vallie, who was shocked that Fred’s wife was barely in the grave and Tammy was acting like that. Tammy argued that she was just helping Fred through a trying time which was part of her job, and she brought up how Cody and Lisa, who found love at fourteen, and Tammy said that Vallie needed to start looking for a man and worry about herself instead of her mom. Tammy added that Vallie better not come home pregnant or Tammy would kick Vallie’s butt out of the house because the last thing Tammy needed was more kids around. In the next scene, Lisa, who was now married to Cody, talked to Vallie and Loretta about her marriage and how her husband only bruised her when they got into arguments but it was nice when they made up. Cowboy told Vallie that she shouldn’t take her mom’s advice and cast her bread out on the water because she was too young, and he added that Vallie was a triple threat to men because she was pretty, smart, and talented. Vallie told Loretta that she wanted to be a writer like Agatha Christie, and Loretta, her so-called friend, told Vallie she wasn’t going to amount to anything because she was from the sticks and her dad ran off. Cowboy called Vallie out on gawking at a boy she liked in school rather than paying attention in class. On the way home from school, Vallie and Pleasant walked along the side of the road and she asked him why he got in a fight, and he replied that he stepped on some boys’ baseball cards by accident. Vallie told Pleasant not to use the bad words that she heard him use at school again and mentioned that he most likely got the words from Tenkill, the Indian who he hung out with. On parent/teacher night, Tammy was brought into the school to discuss Pleasant, and the principal said they believed that he belonged in a special education school, which Tammy said was for retards. She wasn’t impressed with the principal’s assessment and told her not to kick Pleasant out because he didn’t belong with the morons, and Tammy was assured that Pleasant had a place in that school for the time being. Tammy walked out of the principal’s office (wearing her very revealing dress with her top hanging halfway out) and collected Pleasant, who was sitting in a chair outside the open door and heard everything, to go home. As they walked outside, Vallie’s English teacher, Mrs. Bowes, stopped Tammy and told her that she wanted to enter Vallie’s story into a national contest because she was a talented writer, and Tammy only agreed after she was told that the entry fee could be paid by the school. Mrs. Bowes suggested that Tammy send Vallie to the Latin School in Oklahoma City. On the walk back home, Vallie asked Tammy if she thought Vallie could go to the Latin School (not really Latin, just the name) for writing, and Tammy told Vallie to get her head on straight and think about finding a man to latch onto and get out of Tardust. Old Ray was drinking on the hood of his truck outside his trailer home and tried to talk to the females as they walked by inside the trailer park, and they ignored him which made him mad so he called them bit**es. During a thunderstorm, Vallie and Pleasant looked at the wish book. He told her about how Tenkill said that Thunderbird made thunder to protect them from witches at night, and Vallie replied that was heathen stuff. Pleasant was having trouble getting to sleep, so Vallie gave him an idea to think about as he went to bed (because Tammy wasn’t home again), where he was (under 10 yo) Sergeant Russell, fighting man of fury, wielding his machine gun. Vallie and Pleasant went shopping in town for Tammy’s birthday. At the bookstore, there was a sign outside that the author Jacqueline Windsor was there for her “Looking at the Stars,” book signing, and Jacqueline came out the door and gave Vallie a copy of her book that she autographed. Vallie opened the book and read what Jacqueline wrote about “Turn your dreams and ambitions into tomorrow’s daily bread.” The kids were lighting the candles on Tammy’s birthday cake when she pulled up outside in a man’s truck. Questionable mom Tammy came into the house to get something, and Vallie and Pleasant shouted surprise. Tammy told them to wait to give her the presents they saved up for because her boyfriend waiting outside was taking her out for a birthday dinner. Tammy blew out the candles and ran out the door for her date. Tenkill gave Pleasant a white cat and said that he believed spirits could inhabit animals, so Pleasant named the cat Spirit. Pleasant brought Spirit inside his house, and Tammy took one look at the cat and said no. In her short nightgown and slippers, she carried Spirit outside and gave him back to Tenkill because she didn’t want the cat. Tammy later got onto Vallie because she didn’t have time to watch Pleasant every minute and expected her daughter to do that while Tammy was out with God knows who doing God knows what. Vallie added that Tenkill was a primitive full of heathen stories and god-awful savage myths who thought he could wheedle his way into their family through Pleasant and improve his station by marrying a white woman. Tammy went on to say their own people civilized this country and they had no business sinking back into savage ways and trashing the family tree. Tammy told Vallie to go find her brother, who was outside petting Spirit, because Tammy had to go out again. Vallie then witnessed Francine’s mom pulling her daughter out of a concession stand by the hair calling her a filthy little slut and saying that wasn’t the way she raised Francine to be because Francine was in the building with her half-shirt and shorts half open with a man coming out of the building behind them getting dressed again. As they were painting their nails, Vallie told her mom what happened, and Tammy said that Tenkill should tear the concession stand down and that even Old Ray sold drugs out of it once. Tammy told Vallie that she didn’t marry any of the many beaus that she had dated before because marriage was serious business, and Tammy went on to explain that it was a good thing she went through Fred’s drawers when she was over at his house because she found out that he was in major debt and they didn’t need those kinds of problems. Tammy said she wasn’t hanging around any empty wells when it came to men because the man did the drilling, but it was the women who took most of the risks. Vallie mentioned marrying someone with plenty of wealth. Tammy said you couldn’t marry beneath yourself, and she considered Tenkill to be beneath her status. Loretta and Vallie, with Loretta smoking a cigarette, discussed Tenkill as he was out for a run and how Loretta’s mom said Tammy had a thing for him back in the day. Cody came along with his friend, Boyd, and bummed a cigarette from Loretta, and then he picked up the girls (with his wife nowhere in sight) saying he would pay for them to go to Two Kiss to hang out. At Two Kiss, Boyd told Vallie that he was part Choctaw but he wasn’t proud of it. Vallie tried to get Loretta away from married Cody because she was outside by the car flirting with him, but that didn’t work. Boyd asked Vallie out on a date to a movie. Vallie asked Cowboy if you could marry an Indian, and he started following a Native American female in a skimpy dress and he said that it was a lot of bad blood but once people got their clothes off, all that bad blood turned hot. Later that night, Tammy brought a man into their small trailer house laughing and being loud from being drunk, and Vallie looked over at Pleasant and hoped her mom and the man she was about to have sex with wouldn’t wake up Vallie’s sleeping little brother. The next morning, Vallie got onto Tammy for bringing her new man home because when she got up earlier that morning, the man saw her in her underwear. Vallie called Tammy out for not going to his place because he was married, and Tammy slapped her daughter across the face and told Vallie not to talk to her like that. That turned into a catfight between mother and daughter, which was interrupted when Pleasant screamed that he hated both of the females in the house and ran out the door. After Pleasant left, Tammy told Vallie she was no homewrecker and it was time Vallie found a man like Tammy did when she was Vallie’s age because she didn’t know how much longer she and Vallie could live under the same roof. Vallie crawled under the porch and found Pleasant, holding Spirit, and she apologized for what happened and they made a pinky promise that they would always be friends. Tammy left the saloon with another guy, Deke, to go into his Deke’s Buckaboo Band camper parked outside. On their date, Boyd drank his cheap beer as he drove Vallie to the cemetery, and as they parked next to Cody’s car, Boyd told Vallie that Cody came to the cemetery a lot and it probably wasn’t Lisa in the car with him. Vallie decided to get out and see who was in the car, and she saw half-naked Loretta and Cody making out in the backseat and Vallie yelled at the two for cheating on Lisa. Meanwhile, mama Tammy was thrown out of the camper alongside the road because she told Deke that she didn’t do orgies, so he didn’t want anything to do with her and left her there in the dark. Tammy called Ashley to pick her up and bring her home, and he preached to her on the way that she wasn’t a young filly and had two kids at home and many miles on her, so it was time for her to settle down and not behave in her trampy selfish way. The next morning, as Vallie took out the trash, Mickey called her over from his trailer house and told her that he heard she broke the record for the shortest date ever with Boyd the night before, and that Boyd wasn’t the man for Vallie anyway but Mick could show her what a man was like. Francine came out of the house and Mick told Vallie to ask Francine about his services, but Francine told Mick that Vallie was smart and too good for the likes of him and was going to get out of that place by being a writer and then Mick and Francine walked off together. Loretta caught up to Vallie as she was walking away, and when Vallie called Loretta a homewrecker she replied that she didn’t wreck any homes because Cody didn’t like Lisa anymore and was getting a divorce. Vallie kept walking to revival and didn’t want to see the hickeys on Loretta’s neck and chest that she was trying to show Vallie to prove that Cody loved her. The revival was held in a tent, and (with what looked like a bottle of hard liquor hidden in his pocket) and the preacher mentioned the statue of Jesus in cowboy boots in the cemetery. The minister called it disturbing and said that it wasn’t the Jesus of the Bible, but Jesus according to John Wayne and told the crowd to beware of false prophets that came to them in sheep’s clothing. Later that day, the police were in the trailer hood because Francine was missing. Loretta told Vallie and Pleasant that she believed Francine was murdered because she was a slut and they always died in the movies. Vallie went to talk to Cowboy and he told her to stay clear of those males in the trailer park. Later that night, Vallie had a dream that screaming outside woke her up and she looked out the window to see Francine being dragged into Old Ray’s trailer. Shortly after, the men carried a rolled-up rug out of the house and Francine was nowhere to be seen. Vallie told her mom what she dreamed about and accused Tenkill and Old Ray of being involved in Francine’s disappearance. The police officer told Tammy it would take some time to sort through her daughter’s accusation because he had to find Mick and Francine and talk to Tenkill and Old Ray. Later on, at the dinner table, Vallie asked Tammy why she stood up for Tenkill, and she replied that she had known Tenkill half her life and he wouldn’t help Old Ray change a tire, let alone kill somebody. Pleasant got up from the table and said he would never talk to Vallie again if they put Tenkill away for murder because he would never hurt anyone. The next day, Sheriff Clint came for a visit, and Tammy served him coffee in her mobile home and told him that her daughter fell off a horse when she was young so she wasn’t right in the head. Clint chimed in that the neighbors thought Vallie was touched, and Tammy agreed with Vallie sitting right there listening as she read the book she got from Jacqueline. Tammy kept flirting with the sheriff and told him that her daughter was mixed up and probably just dreamt up the idea. Vallie later told Cowboy that her mom made up that story because Vallie couldn’t ever remember hitting her head when she was little, but she wasn’t sure if she dreamt the accusation up or not. Despite that, Tenkill and Old Ray were already released from jail. As Vallie walked home down the side of the road, irate Mickey drove by in his truck with Old Ray in the passenger’s seat. Creepy Old Ray took Vallie’s picture and she told the men they had no right to do that, but they did it anyway and said they were just beginning to exercise their rights. Loretta and Vallie discussed how Mrs. Bowes contacted Tammy to discuss getting a scholarship for Vallie to the Latin School. Vallie said that she saw a missing person poster for Francine, and Loretta replied that Francine probably wasn’t missing and she ran away to Hollywood to be a movie star because her dad found out that she was donating her family jewels to the local stud farm. The girls came across Lisa and her friend, and Lisa told Vallie and Loretta that she was two months pregnant.Vallie congratulated Lisa, and Loretta stared dumbly at Lisa with a face of horror. As Vallie was daydreaming walking down the road again, Mickey and Old Ray scared her by running her off the road and driving recklessly. Vallie came home and tried to talk to Tammy about how the two men were harassing her, but Tammy said she didn’t have time to discuss it because she was getting ready for a date with an ex-rodeo star named Hooty (Hoyt) Hargrove and that the sheriff would keep the men in line. On Tammy and Hoyt’s date, two people came up to Hooty and Tammy asking for his autograph, and they also wanted Tammy’s her autograph because she was with Hooty. The couple asked if Hooty had children, and he replied that he didn’t want any more young uns’ running around because he had been there and done that and walked into the club with Tammy. Another day, Pleasant asked Vallie if their mom came home the night before, and Vallie told him no. Pleasant was worried because Tammy had been gone for three days already and she usually came back after two. Vallie said that Tammy called and informed her she would be home later, and Pleasant asked if this man was going to be their dad, to which Vallie replied that she didn’t know. Outside, Old Ray got into the driver’s seat and Mickey in the passenger’s seat of their truck, and they noticed Spirit sitting in the middle of the road and realized the cat belonged to Pleasant so they evilly ran the innocent animal over to get back at the Russell family. Pleasant went outside a short time later and found Spirit dead in the road, and he screamed and Vallie came running. Vallie told Pleasant to get a box to put Spirit in and they would bury him after school, and Pleasant insisted that Tenkill had to be there to help with the burial. As Tenkill buried Spirit, Pleasant asked if there was a heaven, and Tenkill told Vallie and Pleasant that there was a unity in life and we share a kinship to everything that lives and dies, and Tenkill then added that there was a heaven as he placed a cross marker on Spirit’s grave. When they got back to the house, Vallie saw her mom packing clothes to take to Hooty’s house, and Vallie told Tammy that her son missed her. Tammy told Vallie to tell Pleasant that Tammy would be home the following night, and Tammy did all of that with Hoyt to help her own family. Vallie told Tammy that Pleasant spent a lot of time with Tenkill, and Tammy said that was fine because Tenkill liked her son. She added that there was money for groceries on the counter, and Tammy left the house giggling. As Vallie and Pleasant came out of the grocery store, they saw Francine’s missing poster hanging on the building. Pleasant wanted to know what it said and Vallie told him to read it himself, but he said he couldn’t because the writing was too small.As they walked through the trailer park, Old Ray and Mickey got in Vallie and Pleasant’s faces, and Old Ray mentioned that he hadn’t seen Tammy around lately and noticed the kids were alone a lot. He added that he was going to squash Pleasant like he did Pleasant’s cat, and Vallie dropped the watermelon she was carrying and told the men they weren’t going to do any such thing and ran off with her brother while Old Ray smashed the watermelon in the road with his foot and then ate it. As Vallie prepared another meal for her little brother and herself, she told him that she thought he needed glasses, and Pleasant replied that he didn’t want them because the other kids constantly did mean things to the boy in school who wore glasses. Later that night, Tammy never arrived home, and drunk Old Ray and Mickey showed up with a couple of girls outside. Old Ray started calling to Vallie through her bedroom window, and she hid on the other side of the bed with Pleasant. The men got really obnoxious, and Addie yelled at them to keep it down or she would call the cops on them for disturbing the peace. Ashley had Tammy show up for work and she found out that Doris Dinwiddie, a lady she knew from the trailer park, was the next person to be buried. Doris was killed when she turned on the gas, and Tammy went through some of Doris’s things that Tenkill dropped off. It was getting dark and Vallie asked Addie if she knew where Pleasant was, and she replied that she hadn’t seen him and he ought to be home by now. Vallie agreed and went out to look for him in the dark. She shouted for her little brother in the woods and came across a barrel lit with fire for light, and then Old Ray and Mickey appeared and circled her. The two men tried to rape Vallie, but Tenkill showed up and threw the drunken criminals off from Vallie telling them that they would be dead if they messed with him. Old Ray and Mickey left because they were afraid of Tenkill, and Tenkill told Vallie that Pleasant was safe at Tenkill’s place and he walked Vallie to his house because Old Ray and Mickey were still hanging around the area. Tenkill made sure that Pleasant and Vallie made it home okay by walking them back in the dark night. The next day, Vallie told Cowboy that she was always afraid of Tenkill, and he said that was because of what Tammy told Vallie about Tenkill, but Vallie knew differently now because Tenkill kept her and her brother safe. Cowboy replied that you never know who to believe nowadays, and Vallie remembered something. She went through her mom’s jewelry box and discovered that Tammy had kept a bent nail ring that Tenkill gave her years ago. Vallie asked Tenkill why Tammy didn’t like him, and he replied that it wasn’t so much him as it was Indians, except for rich ones who Tammy wouldn’t have a problem with. That was when Vallie realized that Tenkill was Pleasant’s dad, and all that time she thought he was a bad person (only because her mom made him out to be) but she didn’t think that anymore. Vallie made it back to the house, and Tammy was finally home and waited for Vallie to tell her the good news that Tammy and Hoyt were getting married. Tammy said she was just going to come out and say it that Hoyt didn’t want any kids, which presented a problem with Vallie and Pleasant. Tammy added that Hoyt didn’t even know about the two children were Tammy’s because she told him that she was taking care of her sister’s kids for a while as a favor. Tammy sat her daughter down and said that Tinsy Johnson, the owner of the Country Kitchen, offered to let Vallie stay with her for a while and work at the restaurant. Tammy added that Tinsy had a son who would inherit the place one day, and she told Vallie that she had done right by her daughter and Vallie wasn’t going to spoil it for Tammy by not doing what she said even though Vallie thought that Tammy was trying to ditch her children to get married. Tammy broke down in tears saying she needed this something of her own, and Vallie agreed. Tammy added that Pleasant could stay with Tenkill, and the reason why the kids couldn’t stay at the house alone was because if the authorities found out Tammy would be in trouble (yet the kids had been home alone the majority of time as it was). Pleasant came into the house wearing his new glasses, and he told Tammy that Tenkill took him to the doctor and got the glasses for him. Vallie asked Cowboy why he couldn’t do something, and he didn’t say a word in response so Vallie started crying. Vallie later watched from afar as Tammy married Hoyt at her mom’s outside wedding (that she wasn’t invited to) in the cemetery during a thunderstorm, and lightning struck down the Jesus statue. Vallie ran through the trailer park in the rain and discovered that the outdoor movie screen where she always talked to Cowboy was on fire and burned down completely. Tenkill showed up the next morning and told Vallie that he used to watch a lot of movies on that screen and he dreamed about being like the people on the big screen, but then he stopped dreaming. Tenkill asked Vallie if she was just going to hang around there her whole life and stop dreaming like he did, and she replied that she wanted to go to Oklahoma City for the Latin School and be a writer. Tenkill mentioned that he knew a woman who ran a boardinghouse in Oklahoma City for Indian children, and he thought he could get Vallie a place to stay with her. Tenkill dyed Vallie’s hair from blond to black so she could pass as his Indian daughter, and she said goodbye to her little brother and started walking along the side of the road to get to Oklahoma City. However, Vallie’s dream boy from school came by on his motorcycle and offered her a ride, and she told him to take her to the bus station. She added that her name was Vallie Sue Tenkiller, and the boy didn’t have a problem with Vallie girl being part Injun. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/20/23

TITLE: Drillbit Taylor 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2008 Paramount Pictures/Apatow/Roth/Arnold Production 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began on the first day of McKinley High School, with teenager Ryan’s (who wanted to go by T-Dog) mom waking him up in the morning and being shocked to discover that her son now slept naked. Homeless beach bum and US Army veteran Drillbit Taylor was showering at the beach with everybody driving by gawking at his bare butt. Drillbit stood by the off-ramp going from car to car by lying that he needed money for gas because he was trying to get his kids to Sea World. Nobody believed him until one man gave Drillbit money and wrote “not for pot,” on the dollar bill because he didn’t want Drillbit using it to buy weed. Mrs. Lampanelli drove by to give Drillbit money like she did every day, and she told him to use it on porn only, no food. Ryan and his best friend, Wade, ended up putting on the same shirt (red and black with a devil logo) for the first day of school, but they didn’t have time to change. In the school hallway, they witnessed two bullies, Terry Filkins and Ronnie Lampanelli, trying to stuff Emmit Oosterhaus into a locker. Wade told them to stop, and the bullies turned around (giving Emmit a chance to escape) and went after the matching shirt geeks. Wade later lied when he told his mom that he made so many friends at school he couldn’t remember all their names. The police picked up Drillbit’s tent he had pitched by the beach and told him that it was city property and he wasn’t supposed to be camping out. Drillbit said they shouldn’t have put his belongings in the dumpster because he ate out of it, not to mention his taxes paid the police salary. The female officer said that Drillbit didn’t pay taxes because he didn’t have a job, and Drillbit told the other officer to think about what “protect and serve,” meant and to have compassion, and the officer replied that he had compassion for the homeless who were mentally ill and drug-addicted, not a jacka** like Drillbit. Drillbit replied that maybe he should go smoke some crack to get the officer’s sympathy and told the officer to go back to the Village People. The next day at school, Wade spotted a girl named Brooke who approached him at his locker the previous day and told him how to work the combination lock. Ryan told Wade to make his move, but Wade was too nervous to talk to the Brooke and instead just ended up signing up for the photography and Asian Heritage club that Brooke also signed up for. Emmit appeared and wanted to hang out with Wade and Ryan since they rescued him from the bullies. Terry and Ronnie’s abuse didn’t stop on the second day: they tormented Wade, Ryan, and Emmit in the bathroom and got pee everywhere, put Wade’s head in Ryan’s shirt and called them Siamese queers, poured drinks on Emmit’s laptop and ruined the system, locked Wade in the trophy cabinet, put pictures of Frankie Muniz, Mario Lopez, and other men in Ryan’s locker, pulled down all three boys’ pants in the middle of the hallway, broke their belongings, and slammed them into lockers and walls. Drillbit hung out with his bum buddies, Don and Bernie, doing lottery scratch-offs that he never won. Drillbit said he wanted to go to Canada where the beer was twice as strong and the government would pay him to take the land if he went far enough North. It was $287 for a one-way ticket to Canada, plus $50 for bribing the Mounties and $80 for a winter jacket. Wade told Emmit and Ryan that he found a solution to their problems on the Internet, where they could hire a professional bodyguard who would beat up the kids who bothered them. The trio reported the bullying abuse to Principal Doppler, and he called in the accused, Terry, to face his accusers. Terry lied that he was excited about the school year and hazed the boys a little, but he was sincerely sorry. The boys said that Terry was lying and to call his parents, and Doppler replied that Terry’s parents were in Hong Kong and he was an emancipated minor, which meant he was legally an adult and answered to no one and the principal wasn’t going to do anything. As the boys were coming out of the building after school, Terry and Ronnie in their car chased them down the street driving recklessly. They ran through a backyard where two girls were tanning in their bikinis, and Wade and Ryan stopped to snap photos of the girls. The boys escaped by ducking under a garage door that was closing, and Terry and Ronnie got out of the car and started banging on the door with Terry screaming that now it was his mission to destroy those punks since they tried to get his parents involved. An old man with a baseball bat appeared and told the trio to get out in three seconds or he would get his shotgun, and he opened the garage door and the boys ran out to safety because Terry and Ronnie were gone. The boys then interviewed several bodyguard candidates, including a scary dude charging $2,100 a week who worked for gangsters, an Israeli Military Secret Service Antiterrorist Squad member charging $10,000 week who asked if they wanted him to kill the bully quickly or make him suffer (they replied make him suffer), a man who called himself the Tiger and showed the boys his jacket full of knives, another man who said he would kick anybody’s a** and started punching a random guy outside, and others. When nobody would accept $100 a week like the boys wanted, the bodyguards replied that they hated kids like them and were not interested in the small amount of money. Drillbit, looking for some quick cash, showed up and told the boys that he was a U.S. Army Ranger, black ops operative, decorated marksman and improvised weapons expert. He said he was discharged from the military for unauthorized heroism, and then he went on to say that as a bodyguard, he protected three Vice Presidents, Bobby Brown, and Sylvester Stallone (not as tough as he looked). Ryan asked if Drillbit was legit, and he told the boys to look into his eyes and see the unspeakable horror that he had seen which was his evidence. Drillbit charged $387 a week, and when the boys said they currently only had $83 Drillbit told them to give him what they had and they would figure out the rest later. They made a deal, and Drillbit told the boys that he was going to infiltrate the school and watch over the boys like the Lord Almighty Himself, and like the Good Lord, Drillbit was going to use some mysterious ways meaning the boys wouldn’t always see him, but he was there. They went to Wade’s house because Drillbit wanted to collect supplies from around the house, and when he learned that Terry cut a kid’s arm off with his samurai sword, Drillbit announced that the boys were on orange alert. Drillbit said that anything could be turned into a weapon, but it was all a hoax and Drillbit immediately took his “supplies,” to the pawnshop to sell them for the money to go to Canada. Don told Drillbit that he couldn’t just cut and run like that and he needed to hang in there because the kids were a cash cow. The man behind the counter announced that he would give Drillbit $125 for the whole lot because he just overheard that Drillbit stole the items from kids, and Drillbit argued not to get all righteous because the storekeeper got half of his merchandise from crackheads and thieves. The boys called Drillbit on the walkie-talkie they gave Drillbit and told him that Emmit was holding out on some bar mitzvah money (with Ryan telling Emmit that he still wasn’t a man no matter how many bar mitzvahs he had) and Drillbit could expect another $50 on Monday. It was then that the boys gave Drillbit his money and wanted to watch him kick Terry’s a**, but Drillbit refused because he said that would only keep the bullies away until lunchtime, so he was going to train them to fight the bullies. Drillbit pretended that he knew a bunch of black ops fighting moves and felt no pain, but when the boys weren’t looking it was obvious that he did. The boys stumbled across Drillbit’s campsite in the woods, and he tried to say it was a strategic outpost and he had several around the city. Ryan picked up a squeegee that he said Drillbit used to wash himself, and Drillbit replied that it was a straight-edged weapon with a mop to clean up the blood. Don later told Drillbit that the kids were like businessmen who had way more than they needed, and it was Drillbit’s job to go into their houses and take all their excess. Don went on to say that Drillbit should steal the kids’ TVs or iPods, and because neither Mozart nor Drillbit ever had a Game Boy the kids didn’t need those electronics either. Drillbit started to agree and added that the parents were never around, so all he needed was one big hit. After they had a meditation session where the boys thought about boobies and penises, Drillbit told them that they were 10% complete with their training. They argued that they couldn’t sit around in the woods anymore, and Drillbit told them there was an alternative if they weren’t ready to fight but only the strongest of warriors could pull it off. He added that most men trembled at the mere thought of loving the bully. Ryan said he wasn’t going to bang Terry, and Drillbit replied that what he meant by love was compassion and understanding and letting Terry know they were all more alike than different. The next day, the boys spotted Terry rapping outside school, and Wade and Emmit convinced Ryan to go find a commonality with Terry because they both liked to rap. Ryan started the rapping and Terry rapped back picking on Ryan’s weight with swear words, and Ryan ended the song by telling Terry to suck on his family’s jewels. As Ryan and his buddies were walking away, Terry appeared and told them that they were all going to get it worse than ever. The boys tried to use the holdback technique that Drillbit taught them where Ryan restrained Wade while he taunted Terry and made him think Wade wanted to fight when he really didn’t. However, Terry then punched Wade in the face and sent him sprawling onto the ground with a nosebleed and black eye. The boys were wondering where Drillbit was when they needed him, and they found him lounging around outside school. He apologized and said that having a rap off with Terry wasn’t exactly what Drillbit meant when he told them to find common ground with the bully. Ryan told Drillbit that he was tired of his nonsense about being there when he wasn’t there and that he was fired, and Drillbit told them that they just completed phase one and found out that Terry had some mettle and they needed to move onto phase two, which was direct contact. That was where Drillbit would come in because he said he wouldn’t let what happened to Wade happen again if he could help it. At home, Wade’s stepdad, Jim, wanted to know where he got his shiner, and Wade replied that he got punched when he was protecting a kid from a bully. Jim said that keeping a kid from getting beat up by a bully was interfering with the natural order, not to mention when he (Jim) was younger he bullied this one boy who got under his skin. Jim thought that if he ran into that boy today, he would thank Jim for the bullying because he prepared the other boy for the harshness of the real world. The next day, Drillbit planned to infiltrate the school by pretending to be a substitute teacher, and the boys cleaned him up and dressed him in a suit and tie so he would look more like a teacher and less like Crocodile Dundee. Drillbit headed to the teachers’ lounge, where he snuck food into his jacket and then met English teacher Lisa Zachey. He introduced himself as Dr. Illbit, and he and Lisa started flirting with each other and planned to hook up back in the lounge later that day. Drillbit ran down the hallway to the Life Skills classroom and made it just in time to turn on the sprinklers and distract Terry from going after the boys. Drillbit used his teacher position to torment the bullies, which included making their wall climbing ropes too short so they couldn’t get down and then walking away with a machine shooting tennis balls at the boys’ heads inside the gym. The other homeless people figured out that being a substitute teacher was an easy job, so they all became subs and Don told his class that JFK was shot because Castro knew that he wasn’t going to get any action with Marilyn Monroe. For the next few days, Drillbit met up with teacher Lisa in one of the empty classrooms to have sex while school was in session in the other classrooms. He then tried to ask Lisa out on a date after school, and she told them that the teachers’ manual stated that teachers could not date other teachers and then added that since Drillbit was a doctor, she could date him and then she kissed him. When Brooke found out that Wade joined the Asian Heritage and other classes just so he could talk to her, she wouldn’t let him quit the class even though he wasn’t Asian and didn’t care to know the material. Wade went to go see Drillbit in the woods and tell him that he talked to Brooke and couldn’t have done it without Drillbit, and Drillbit explained that he had wanted to be a doctor but his army colonel dad wouldn’t pay for his college and told his son that he was dumb anyway. Wade gave Drillbit a framed picture of their “army of four,” and said that in the end when it was all over he hoped they would still be friends. It turned out that Ronnie’s mom was Mrs. Lampanelli, and as they were driving by the beach Ronnie spotted Drillbit showering and said that naked guy was his teacher. Mrs. Lampanelli replied that Drillbit wasn’t Ronnie’s teacher and every day she gave Drillbit money at the off-ramp and he was just less fortunate and not a bum. Drillbit told Don that they needed to postpone their plan to steal from the kids because they looked up to Drillbit as a hero and he didn’t want that to change just yet. Don replied that Drillbit was really getting into the teacher thing, and he looked like he taught Fagonometry wearing his sweaters and loafers. Drillbit didn’t want to go along with the deal, so Don told the other bums that Drillbit was a fraud. Drillbit headed to school and kept lookout from a window telling the boys on the walkie-talkies not to go into the building because the bullies were waiting for them out front. Drillbit ran outside and interrupted by threatening detention for the bullies, and Ronnie blurted out that Drillbit showered on the beach. Abusive Terry punched Drillbit hard in the face twice and the boys ran. Drillbit went to the nurses’ office to take care of his nose and ear.The boys were angry to discover that Drillbit really was a bum, and he lied that his morning fitness regimen involved jogging five miles, swimming ten miles, and then showering on the beach. He went on to say that he didn’t really get hurt but just went down to give the boys a chance to get away, and there was no way he could beat Terry up with all those kids around because the principal and police would come and find out he wasn’t a real teacher and he would end up in jail. Drillbit said he took a bullet for the kids that day and he was like one of those guys who jumped in front of the President to save him, and Drillbit expected a bonus because even Sly used to throw in a car every now and then. The foursome went to Wade’s house, where the other bums were robbing the house and Drillbit lied that he didn’t know any of them. He went and tried to kick Don because that wasn’t part of the plan, but Drillbit ended up instead kicking a chair through the glass window and smashing it to pieces. Don punched Drillbit in the face and he and the other bums made a run for it with the items they stole. Wade told a-hole Drillbit to get out of his house and demanded to know the truth, and Drillbit replied that the boys couldn’t handle the truth and wouldn’t want to know that he was raised in an orphanage because nobody wanted him (which he said was a lie but actually wasn’t). He admitted that he wasn’t completely truthful about who he was, but the part about being the army was true and he got beat up by a teenager because he didn’t like violence and wasn’t cut out to be a soldier. He added that he liked the obstacle course and helping the wounded, but not the confrontation, and he couldn’t stand the boys ganging up on him like they were doing at that moment. Drillbit said that his company was in the Middle East for half a day before he went AWOL and stowed away in a cargo plane back to the US. Emmit asked if Drillbit was even his real name, and he replied that it was Alamo Taylor but quickly corrected himself that was a lie too. Drillbit’s real name was Bob Taylor and he didn’t kill anyone with a drill bit, but when he was in high school he punctured his pinky finger with a drill bit so everyone started calling him drill bit and making fun of him. He confirmed that he was just using the kids to steal their money and everything in Wade’s house, and Wade said that he thought Drillbit cared about them and was their friend. Ryan told Drillbit to leave and never come back, and he walked away. He went to a payphone and called Lisa to tell her that her pattern of going out with guys who were losers and dirtbags wasn’t over yet like she thought because Drillbit wasn’t really a doctor or teacher and was a homeless U.S. Army deserter. Later that night, Drillbit sat at his campsite and howled like a wolf setting off the neighborhood dogs, but the boys on the walkie-talkie interrupted him. Ryan said they were just calling to tell Bob that they were calling the cops on him and hoped he spent the rest of his pathetic life in prison, Emmit wanted his bar mitzvah money back, and Wade wanted his walkie-talkie back. The bums took the stolen items to the pawnshop, and when the owner tried to give Don $1,500 for everything Don told him that the items had sentimental value to the people he stole them from. The owner replied that he didn’t care about them and was firm on his offer. Don then discovered that Drillbit was sitting behind the wheel of the Gentle Sam’s Moving van, and he said he was returning the items to sender. Don didn’t believe that Drillbit would kick Don in the face like he threatened to, but Drillbit actually did and sped off in the van.However, Don grabbed onto the side of the door and said he was giving Drillbit one more chance to save their friendship, and Drillbit replied by shutting Don’s hand in the window and braking hard so Don fell to the ground. Wade and the boys walked to the restaurant where the rest of Wade’s family was eating and he explained everything, and Jim told Wade that it was his fault and he should have stopped the bums. However, when they arrived at the house all their belongings were dumped in a pile in one room and Jim said that they weren’t robbed, they got rearranged. He asked Wade if he and his weirdo friends had a marijuana party, and when Emmit told Wade that Drillbit must have returned his stuff. Jim demanded to know who Drillbit was and what was going on. In the next scene, at a principal meeting inside the school with the victim kids and parents, Terry said he did a hazing thing to the kids but he was trying to make them fit in at school as part of a fun initiation. Principal Doppler told the parents that their kids brought a fugitive (Drillbit) onto school property that threatened the safety of his students. He said he didn’t want to point fingers, but they all knew who was to blame and he pointed his finger at Wade, Emmit, and Ryan. Terry chimed in that the boys put Terry’s life in danger because Drillbit really could have hurt him, and it was worse than any hazing that anybody could do and Terry was lucky he was able to defend myself. The parents went off about pedophiles and shows on TV and how the veteran could have killed a bunch of people, and Doppler reassured the parents that he gave security camera footage of Drillbit to the police and they were on the lookout for him. The boys told Doppler and the parents that they got it wrong and Terry was the psycho with a samurai sword and was trying to murder them, and everybody started arguing until Doppler interrupted them by telling them all to sit down. Terry said that it was true he was really a samurai warrior sent from the 14thcentury to kill the boys, and everyone laughed at the absurdity of that and said that he was cute. According to Doppler, the issue was resolved and he dismissed everyone. Wade’s mom said that she didn’t know Terry was alone in his house and invited crazy Terry to their house for dinner. She even gave Terry a hug and said that Wade could use more friends. Drillbit won a scratch-off for $500 and was still considering using it go to Canada.Wade spotted Brooke at an outdoor café and went to ask her out. However, before he could, Terry and Ron shook up their soda cans and threw them onto the table so the soda sprayed all over everybody. Terry grabbed Wade and told him that he swore to God those weren’t his sodas but he could dedicate his life to finding the real culprit if Wade hired Terry as a bodyguard. Terry called Brooke a ho and then slapped Wade’s glasses off his face telling him that he was pathetic and didn’t have in it him to fight back. Wade followed after Terry as he walked away and said he was going to fight Terry because everybody was sick of his garbage and because of what Terry said to Brooke. Terry didn’t want to fight right there in public, so he shouted at everybody to come to his house that night to watch him beat Wade up. Emmit decided he didn’t want any part of it because he had a future, so Wade and Ryan played video games and watched movies to learn how to fight. In the backyard, they practiced hitting each other and remembered Drillbit’s “mind over pain,” teachings. Wade wrote a note to his mom telling her that if she was reading this it was possible that Wade was dead and he was sorry that he let her silver platter got stolen. Ryan wrote a note to his mom that if he didn’t survive she should sue Emmit’s family, and she was free to sell Ryan’s rap rhymes to Ghostface Killah. Before they left wearing their matching devil shirts, Ryan and Wade made a plan that one would go for the head and the other for the nuts. Drillbit snuck into Wade’s house through his bedroom window to return the silver platter and found the note. The boys went to the teen drinking party with red Solo cups, where Ryan said that he didn’t want to have any regrets if they didn’t make it so he kissed a girl on the lips and she slapped him in the face. Ryan and Wade went to the kitchen where Terry was, and he told everybody that they were the Siamese queers. He kept ranting and never saw it coming when Ryan and Wade started hitting Terry, but he retaliated by throwing a soda can at Ryan’s face and throwing Wade into the stair railing and completely breaking it off. Madman Terry swung a floor lamp at anybody who got in his way and laughed as he broke his own glass furniture. Outside, Ronnie was making out with a girl telling her that she was super-hot and he was never going to leave her, and then he went to help Terry. Terry bullied Ryan and Wade outside with all the kids watching. Emmit attacked Terry from behind, but Ronnie knocked Emmit out. Wade and Terry punched each other while Ryan held Ronnie in a bear hug and Ronnie convinced Ryan to let him go by saying “I can’t breathe.” Ronnie restrained Wade so Terry could hit him in the stomach, but then Drillbit threw something at Terry’s head and told him to let Wade go. Private Drillbit Taylor reported for duty and told everybody to go home because the fight was over, and then Terry punched Drillbit in the face multiple times. After three heavy hits, Drillbit learned that Terry was not a minor and was 18, so Drillbit punched and kicked Terry into the ground. Drillbit asked Ron how old he was, and Ron quivered and swore to God that he was 17 and his mom still drove him to school. The police then showed up and all the teens left, and Drillbit made a run for it so the cops wouldn’t catch him. Terry came out of the house calling the three boys fags and saying it wasn’t over, and he threw his samurai sword at them with a police car right behind them. Drillbit caught the sword with his bare hand right before it almost sliced open Wade, but then his pinky finger fell to the ground and he started screaming. The police tackled Terry to the ground, and the boys looked for Drillbit’s severed pinky so they could get it fixed by a doctor. The spectator kids had been videoing the whole scene from the very beginning and were still videoing as Terry was handcuffed and put in a police car. The officer drove over Drillbit’s pinky on the ground, but he still picked it up and someone brought him a margarita to use for ice. The police put Drillbit in the car (confiscating the margarita minus the finger because alcohol wasn’t allowed in the police car), and he told them that they caught the great Bob Taylor. Ron ratted out Terry to the police and said that he was very threatened by Terry who terrified Ron with his sword. Wade told Brooke that the fight was for her, and she gave him a kiss on the lips and told him he was brave. In jail, Drillbit wrote a letter to the boys and informed them that Terry was being shipped back to Hong Kong to be with his parents for breaking many underage-drinking laws. The prison had a work release program, and Drillbit was excited about getting a job. He and Lisa were still in contact, and he didn’t know why women dig guys in prison but they really did. Drillbit added that thanks to the currently lenient nature of the United States Army deserting laws, he would get out of prison in two days from then, which would end his three-week sentence. As soon as Drillbit walked out of the jail, teacher Lisa jumped on him while the boys were happy to see Drillbit too. Don was handcuffed and led into the jail by the police then. Drillbit walked away with the gang telling him that the guy in the next cell taught him some Spanish. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/19/23

TITLE: Father Hood 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1993 Hollywood Pictures/Buena Vista Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Los Angeles and began with Jack Charles being released from jail and reunited with his son, Eddie, and daughter, Kelly, who he abandoned for many years, preferring his ungodly life of crime. Fifteen months earlier, thirteen-year-old Kelly escaped from the Bigelow juvenile hall where she was being held. Jack met with his attorney, who said that Jack’s kids ended up in foster care because of Jack, and Jack argued that it was because his wife, Linda, died and the state took the children after Jack abandoned them. Jack knew no other profession other than robbing drug dealers, and then he robbed an undercover cop posing as a drug dealer and now his attorney informed him that the DA would plea bargain Jack’s sentence down to two years. Jack said he wasn’t going to jail because he was on the brink of getting a huge deal that would get him a lot of money, and the attorney told him to relax and he would get the kids involved. Jack told the attorney not to do that because the best thing Jack ever did was keep the kids far from him and him far from them. Later that night, Kelly knocked on Jack’s motel room door, and he grabbed his gun and asked who Kelly was. He answered the door with his gun to his long-lost don’t-want-a-daughter who successfully broke out of her detention facility. Kelly barged into the room and told Jack that it was a rough place inside the facility because kids were getting slammed up against walls and hit really hard for doing one thing wrong. Jack told Kelly to leave because his motel room was the first place they would look for Kelly. Kelly wanted Jack to get her transferred to someplace else but he refused to help her. She said that her little brother, Eddie, was being put into Bigelow the following day, but Jack still wouldn’t listen to her so Kelly pushed him around and he told her to back off. Kelly told Jack that they were going to put his seven-year-old son in handcuffs, and Jack replied that he thought his boy was five. The next morning, Jack was going to take Kelly back to Bigelow, and Kelly tried to jump out of the moving car but Jack pulled her back inside. Jack then left Kelly in the car and went to a court hearing, where he told the judge, Anna Barron, that he wanted to get his kids into a better facility because they were being abused and put in handcuffs at Bigelow. Judge Barron held up a bunch of paperwork and said it was her responsibility to make decisions for hundreds of kids a day. Lazzaro, the head person in charge at Bigelow, testified that he did not put kids in handcuffs at his facility and that Kelly Charles was missing since the night before and it was likely that Jack was providing her a safe haven. Jack said Lazzaro was lying and then asked to see Eddie, and said the boy was probably in handcuffs in the Bigelow van. In the judge’s chambers, Eddie was brought in and was not happy to go to Bigelow, and Jack got into a confrontation with Lazzaro where he threatened the man to keep his hands off Jack’s child, but Lazzaro replied that Eddie was no longer Jack’s child since two years before when Jack abandoned Eddie. Jack sped away from the courthouse with Kelly and drove to a building to spy on the Bigelow bus. Jack witnessed his son and many other children in handcuffs being boarded onto the bus. Jack followed the bus through a bad part of town with graffiti everywhere, and shortly after the bus left Jack used his car to cut it off. Lazzaro tried to get off the bus, but Jack pulled a gun on him and pushed him back onto the bus. Jack told Lazzaro to unlock Eddie’s handcuffs, and then the driver tried to take Jack down from behind, but Jack turned around and pointed his gun at the driver to make him sit back down. Delores, a very young teen girl who appeared to be about fourteen, stood up on the bus and told Jack that she didn’t want to have her baby at Bigelow, and Kelly showed up and told Jack to take Delores along with them because she was Kelly’s friend. Lazzaro unlocked the pregnant teen female’s handcuffs and Jack, Delores, Eddie and Kelly ran off the bus, and then Jack ordered Lazzaro to eat the handcuff key and he did. Jack then got into a police chase with the three kids in the car, which led to the officer’s car being hit by another vehicle. Pregnant Delores was dropped off at an adult female named Celeste Carter’s house, and then Jack told his kids that they were going to their grandma Rita’s house in Las Vegas. Jack left the kids in the convertible car in the street and told them to stay put so he could find Rita in one of the casinos. He found his mom at a gambling table cheating with the dice, and when a security officer came over Rita faked having pain in her arm and a medical emergency so she wouldn’t get caught. She and Jack left the casino, and at Rita’s house Kelly got on to Jack for coloring in his sideburns. He said he was going out, and Kelly threatened she would kill Jack if he spent all their money on a hooker. Kelly was concerned that Jack wasn’t going to come back for them, and Jack told Kelly that he couldn’t leave them if he wasn’t with them to begin with. Eddie, with a blonde Dolly like wig on, told his sister that she wasn’t his mom and he wasn’t going to bed like she told him to. As Jack tried to sneak off, Rita blocked him with her car. He told her the kids needed to stay with her for a while because Jack had a major deal going down in New Orleans that involved a briefcase once a month filled with cash and he wasn’t going to miss out on it. Jack said it was his big chance and if he didn’t go he was going to end up in jail, but his mom replied that he was going to stay and face the music and work things out with the kids. Rita added that this was the one time in her life she could have her freedom to do whatever she wanted and he wasn’t going to mess it up with his baggage. The next morning, Rita woke Jack up by hitting him in the head with a newspaper and showed him his and his kids’ faces on the front cover and the story of the terror that they caused on the freeway. Kelly read the article on their way to New Orleans and learned that the news lied about the situation on the bus telling the people that Jack had an M-16 rifle. Kelly announced that Kathleen Mercer from the LA Newspaper wrote the article, and Jack said he was going to handle Kathleen but the first thing he needed to do was dump his car. A highway patrol officer then started chasing after Jack, and instead of pulling over Jack sped up faster with the kids in the car driving recklessly at a high speed. Jack pulled off from the highway onto a dirt road without slowing down, and then he drove around a curve and because of the dust from the road, the officer couldn’t see and ended up flipping his car multiple times while Jack drove off with the kids. At Rita’s house, she lied and told the investigators that she hadn’t seen her son Jackie in two years. Jack had enough of the kids arguing in the car and didn’t want to deal with them anymore, so he pulled over to the side of the road and left them stranded in the middle of the desert telling them that he was not their father. Even though Jack told himself that the kids deserved to be in juvie because they were animals, he turned around and picked them back up. Eddie wanted to see the Hoover Dam, but Jack said no and told Eddie to be quiet. Eddie kept begging because it was on the way and they could get a car there, and Kelly chimed in so Jack said he had been planning to stop there anyway. At the Hoover Dam payphone, Jack called Kathleen and told her that they were his kids and he didn’t kidnap them. She said that he didn’t care about the kids because he never visited them, and Jack told Kathleen that her lying in her article would get him fifty years in jail instead of ten to twelve years. Kathleen’s response was that she had been trying to bust the foster care system for over a year, and because it was against the law for a reporter to talk to a minor, she wanted Jack to ask Kelly if she had ever been to Yosemite Park or eaten a steak while she was at Bigelow. Jack noticed a bunch of police on scene searching for his car, so he got off the phone and told the kids to turn around and pretend to look at the Hoover Dam while Jack went and hotwired another car. Two officers approached Kelly and Eddie, but before they could do anything Jack drove the stolen car off the embankment and it exploded to cause a distraction for the getaway because Jack jumped out of the car. The kids thought Jack was dead, but then he snuck up behind them and told them that they were going to go party because he a BMW waiting. As Jack was laughing in the car about what happened, he noticed that seven-year-old Eddie was crying in the backseat because of the trauma that he had already gone through in such a short little life. Jack bragged that it was Schwarzenegger amazing, and Kelly told Jack that they thought he was dead and it wasn’t funny. Meanwhile, Travis, an adult male working at Bigelow, was harassing and abusing an underage girl telling her that he looked for her the night before and not to disappoint him again. Travis was interrupted by Lazzaro, so the girl was able to get away from Travis for the time being. Lazzaro said that the LA Post called him concerning Jack, and that Kathleen the reporter was irresponsible and had been trying to snare Bigelow for a year. Jack told Travis to keep everything ship-shape around there because the reporters were going to be snooping around more than they already had been. Jack knew that the police thought he would be heading to Mexico, so they were going to go east and fool them all. Kelly wanted to know if Jack loved Linda (birth mom to the kids), and his reply was that she was a good-looking woman and everyone turned to stare at her when she walked down the street in Reno and her long legs got the better of her. Kelly answered Jack’s questions that she never went to Yosemite or ate a steak at Bigelow. As they drove down the road, they heard on the radio that thirty police forces as well as the FBI were searching for Jack Charles and the missing kids. Jack stopped at a gas station and went inside to use the payphone and tell Kathleen what Kelly said. Kathleen told Jack that was interesting because she had a file that said the Bigelow kids took two trips to Yosemite in the last year, plus had steak dinners twice a week for the last three years, which was another $30,000 that Bigelow racked up. In the car, Eddie noticed that Kelly was looking at a picture of an adult man named Andy that she said was a friend in New Orleans, and Eddie replied that Kelly had a boyfriend. Kelly told Eddie not to say anything or tell Jack that she knew he was going to New Orleans. News reporter Kathleen also wanted to know if Kelly was abused in Bigelow and told Jack that he was her father and could ask her about that. Jack replied that when he was with his kids he rescued a little girl named Delores and if Kathleen spoke to Delores, she would back up everything Jack said. Kathleen wanted to know what Delores’s last name was, and Jack replied that he didn’t know and told the reporter to figure it out. The storekeeper then recognized Jack from the news and grabbed his gun, but Jack was a quicker draw and spun around pointing his own gun at the storekeeper. Jack came back to the car with blankets for the kids, which Kelly said Jack didn’t pay for because he robbed the guy at the store (Jack exchanged his gold ring for the goods). After they left, the storeowner called somebody and told them that Jack was just at his store. Jack was starting to fall asleep at the wheel, so he pulled over and woke Kelly up and told her to drive, even though she was too young to drive and was tired herself. Kelly got behind the wheel and started driving like a natural with no practice beforehand. Three men from Los Angeles Juvenile Authority then showed up at Celeste’s house where Delores was staying, and they dragged screaming and kicking pregnant Delores out of the safe house into their van. Later on, after they crossed the Texas border, everybody was arguing about Jack putting the kids back in foster care once they got to New Orleans. Delinquent teen Kelly took her eyes off the road to tell Jack to shut up, and she ended up almost hitting a big rig but swerved and ran into a bunch of mailboxes alongside the road. The truck driver stopped and ran over to check on them, and Jack told the trucker to reverse the call he made on his CB radio that they didn’t need help and were fine. The car wouldn’t start, so Jack and the kids ditched it and set out on foot. Kathleen showed up at Celeste’s house and asked about Delores and Bigelow. Celeste told people that she was Delores’s aunt, but she wasn’t and it turned out Delores was Celeste’s foster child years before. However, the state took Delores away from Celeste, who said she tried to adopt Delores out of foster care, but it was too hard to make that happen and help the child because of the failed system from within, not to mention it was all money to the people like Bigelow who were keeping the kids in the system to collect paychecks, eat out, and go on vacations. A state trooper came upon the BMW that was abandoned alongside the road in Texas and called it in while Jack and the kids walked through the woods to Cascade Caverns Park. Jack found an unlocked car, and Eddie wanted to go look at the caves but Jack told him to get into the car otherwise he would kill his son. Jack then spotted all the police cars arriving on scene and he and the kids ran to the caves where they tried to blend in with the people on a cave tour, but the tour was cut short and everybody exited the cave because the police ordered them to. The Charles family stayed underground and hid out. As two officers went into the cave searching for Jack, a stuffed bear made a growling noise as they walked by and Officer Bill shot at it because his nerves were on edge from trying to find the suspect. Eddie, shouting, led Kelly and Jack through the cave as though he had been there many times before, and they were able to break down a door and climb a ladder out of the cave. They got past the officers by hiding in a boat called the Cajun Princess that was headed out of the park. Inside the boat cabin was a Just Married sign, and it was stocked with a turkey and everything so everybody pigged out. When they were alone for a minute, Jack asked Kelly if anybody at Bigelow ever touched her inappropriately, and Kelly snapped back that nobody would ever touch her because they knew better. Jack said he himself didn’t want to know and was just asking for the reporter. The boat stopped and Jack used a payphone to call Kathleen and told her that he thought they sexually abused Kelly at Bigelow. Kathleen told Jack to meet her at her office with the kids to tell their story because Kathleen thought she could get Jack a deal if he did so.However, Jack was distracted on the phone and the man driving the truck took off with the kids still in the boat, and Jack was unable to catch up on foot. Jack ran into the bar and got a redneck to drive after the boat in exchange for Jack’s watch, and Jack climbed out onto the hood and then jumped onto the boat. He and the kids were sleeping when all the dishes went crashing onto the floor and woke them up because the boat was being launched into the water. Jack started up the boat as soon as it was unhooked from the truck and took off with it with the man holding onto the rope trying to stop his boat from being stolen, but that didn’t work out too well and he ended up in the water with no boat. As the trio cruised down the waterway, a police helicopter came upon them and with a gun pointed at them told them to shut off the engine. Jack said that it was party time and Eddie said that if they didn’t stop the police were going to kill them, to which Jack replied to be cool because the helicopter couldn’t land on water anyway so he kept going. The news helicopter appeared as well, and Jack said there was no way the police would shoot them dead on national TV and they were all going to be famous. Kelly found a gun and started waving it around, and Jack tried to wrestle it out of her hands because he didn’t want them being shot at. However, when Jack knocked the gun out of Kelly’s hand it went off and caused a fire on the boat. The police helicopter almost ran into the bridge because they were watching the boat on fire, and Jack and the kids jumped ship and left the boat running while they swam to shore. They were 90 miles outside of New Orleans and 10 miles outside of Baton Rouge when they started hitchhiking alongside the road. They were having no luck getting a ride, so Jack used little Eddie to flag down a vehicle and they made it to New Orleans in the back of a truck. They went to Jerry’s house (Jack’s partner in crime) in New Orleans, where Jack called Kathleen. She told him that she managed to make a deal for him with his attorney, and Jack replied that it was her job to do something about Lazzaro and his foster care system. Kathleen said she needed somebody to come forward and break the story, and Jack asked what was in it for him. Kathleen announced that they were offering him a reduced sentence, which was two years or 18 months for good behavior. Jack said the system was broken and he couldn’t do anything about that, so he hung up. Jack and Jerry drank heavily and scared the kids, and then Jack told Jerry that he wanted a new passport and money so he could live a life of unlimited women and beer in Belize with no USA breathing down his neck. Jack later asked Eddie where his sister was, and Eddie replied that Kelly was out with her boyfriend that Jack knew nothing about. Jack got mad because they were wanted fugitives and he didn’t want them to be spotted on the streets, so he got the information where Kelly was and went looking for her. Andy told Kelly that he was only trying to be nice to her and she got the wrong idea about the reason why because Andy wasn’t interested in her in a romantic way since she was a kid. Kelly walked away from Andy and Jack stood there, so Kelly shoved Jack and told him that it was none of his business to get involved in her affairs and ran off. As Jack was getting ready to go rob a drug dealer, he was in a great mood because his horoscope said good things for him. As Jack loaded his gun, Jack told the kids that he could run around the country with them and go places and play games, but that didn’t make them a family. Jack and Jerry took off to go do their dirty work and didn’t promise anything to the kids other than that if Jack didn’t come back Jerry would give his share of the money to the kids, but they didn’t have any faith in shady Uncle Jerry that he would do so. Jack and Jerry followed the dealer to the dock and boarded a ferry behind the drug car. The kids had stowed away in the trunk (Jack told them a story on the boat where he did the same thing with his dad growing up to prevent his abusive dad from abaondoning his family) and started banging around because they couldn’t breathe, and Jerry didn’t want to pop the trunk because they were going to blow the heist, so Jack put a gun to Jerry’s head and told him to do it. The drug dealers took off in their car because the kids were causing a commotion. Jerry chased after them in his car. Jack pushed the kids out of the way as the drug car that tried to escape Jerry’s car came back around. The drug car then hit Jack. The illegal drug dealers shot at Jerry, and Jerry and his car went off the ferry into the deep water below. The ringleader sent his thugs after Jack on foot to take him out as well, and Jack, not even caring about his so-called friend Jerry, ran with the kids. Jack saw the drug lord standing by the car holding onto the briefcase Jack had come to New Orleans to get. Jack told the kids to wait where they were. Jack was going to shoot the man but decided against it and let him go. He and the kids all started laughing because in the end, Jack didn’t get the money that he wanted. Later on, in court, Lazzaro testified regarding the goings-on in Bigelow facility and said that Kelly ran away because she was obsessed with a summer intern, Andy, not because of abuse. Jack and the kids showed up for the hearing, and Kelly spoke up against Lazzaro because he tried to say there was nothing wrong with Bigelow foster facility when in fact there were adults having sexual relationships with children and Kelly brought that to the court’s attention with Delores. Kelly then admitted that it even happened to herself and Lazzaro just walked away while it was happening to Kelly without doing anything to stop it. After Lazzaro said that the kids were in the state’s custody, Jack grabbed Lazzaro and told him in front of everybody that if he ever touched Jack’s kids again, Jack would kill Lazzaro. Jack added that he prayed when they put Lazzaro away that they put him in the same prison Jack would be in so they could dance. Outside the courtroom, Jack, Kelly, and Eddie all professed their love for each other. Jack kissed reporter Kathleen on the cheek and left with the attorney and officers. Fifteen months later Jack got out of jail. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/18/23

TITLE: Finding Dory 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Disney / Pixar Animation Studios

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This cartoon movie takes place under the sea and began with a baby blue tang fish named Dory being separated from her parents. She suffered from short-term memory loss and couldn’t remember what happened, not to mention she had a very short attention span and got distracted easily. She swam around asking other fish for help until she became an adult fish when she helped a clownfish, Marlin, rescue his young son, Nemo, out of a human net. One year later, Dory lived with Marlin and Nemo. She was the assistant teacher for a group of young fish, and they discussed migration and going back to where they came from. Dory had always thought she had a family somewhere just because it made sense to her, and then she remembered that she was from the Jewel of Morro Bay, California, and she convinced Marlin and Nemo to swim with her all the way across the ocean to find her mom and dad. Dory, Marlin, and Nemo hitched a ride to Morro Bay on the backs of sea turtles, and Dory kept having flashbacks and remembered that the names of her parents were Jenny and Charlie. She swam around screaming their names, and Marlin told Dory not to be so loud because they didn’t want to draw attention to themselves. Dory didn’t listen, of course, and they were chased by a giant octopus and managed to escape. Dory swam up to the surface because she heard a voice over the loud speaker of Sigourney Weaver speaking, and Marlin and Nemo appeared behind her just as humans in a boat by the dock captured Dory. She was released into a tank inside the Marine Life Institute, where a stealthy octopus named Hank crept around the room camouflaging until he reached the tank. He told Dory that she was in quarantine and the transport tag on her fin was bad news because it meant she would be transferred to an aquarium in Cleveland instead of go back to the ocean like the sick fish in quarantine.Hank said that the institute was the “Jewel,” of Morro Bay, and Dory figured that meant her parents were around but she couldn’t remember what exhibit she was from. Hank demanded to have Dory’s tag because he wanted to go to Cleveland and live in a glass box alone, not be released back into the ocean. They made a deal that Dory would give Hank her tag if he helped her find her family, and he carried her to a map. Dory remembered that her home had purple shells, and because she believed in destiny (her and Hank meeting), she jumped into a bucket labeled “Destiny.” However, it turned out that the other fish in the bucket weren’t just playing dead, they were actually dead and were food for Destiny the whale shark. Dory was tossed into Destiny’s exhibit, and Destiny recognized Dory and told her that they used to be friends and talk to each through the pipes when Dory was little living in the Open Ocean exhibit. Meanwhile, two sea lions told Marlin and Nemo that Dory was inside quarantine, and then they called for Becky the loon to carry the fish there in a bucket. However, Becky left the bucket on a branch to eat popcorn with a bunch of pigeons, and Marlin tried to get closer to Becky to speak to her but the branch snapped backward and catapulted Marlin and Nemo into the fish tank outside the gift shop while Becky finished her snack and took the now empty bucket to the top of the quarantine building. Marlin and Nemo made it to the tide pool, where they encountered a clam going on about his ex-girlfriend Shelley breaking his heart, and then they went into the pipes in search of Dory. Hank hid in the bottom of a stroller and steered it through the marine park with Dory being his lookout up above, and she followed the signs to Open Ocean until she got distracted and started following another sign. Dory and Hank ended up getting stuck in the touch pool in Kid Zone, but Hank was able to scare away the kids terrorizing all the fish by releasing his black ink into the pool. They spotted the Open Ocean tank right across from the touch pool, and Hank took Dory there and dumped her into the tank. She told Hank that she would remember him, and then she found her childhood home. She had another flashback and realized that it was her fault she got separated from her parents because she wandered off and was carried away by the undertow, which her parents always told her to stay away from because it was dangerous. Dory learned from two crabs that all the blue tang fish were taken out of the tank and put into quarantine because they were going to be shipped to Cleveland on the next truck. They told Dory to go through the pipes to get to quarantine, and she got lost along the way but was able to talk to Destiny through the pipes. Destiny convinced Bailey, the beluga who lived in the pool next to her, to use his echolocation skills (which he insisted were broken but actually weren’t) to give Dory directions. Dory ran into Marlin and Nemo who Bailey and Destiny thought was a predator fish that was eating Dory alive. Dory reassured Bailey and Destiny that she was all right and found her friends, and then the trio made it to quarantine. Hank appeared and got Dory, Marlin, and Nemo into the tank with the blue tang. The fish recognized Dory as Jenny and Charlie’s daughter and explained to her that after she disappeared years before, her parents thought she was in quarantine and went there to search for her, and they never made it back to Open Ocean, which everybody assumed meant they were dead. The tank was about to be wheeled away onto the truck, and Hank rescued Dory out of it but Marlin and Nemo were left behind with the blue tangs. Hank was picked up by a human and dropped the cup he was holding Dory in, and she fell through a vent in the floor and was swept away. Dory was able to calm down and asked herself “What would Dory do?” and take a look at her surroundings, and she spotted a trail of shells and followed it. She was then reunited with her parents, who were very happy to see her and explained that they had stayed there all those years building the shell trails because they taught Dory to always follow the shells and hoped one day she would do just that and find her way back to them. Dory then realized that Marlin and Nemo weren’t with her, and she told her parents that she had to find them because her friends were her family too. Dory called for Destiny, and Destiny and Bailey jumped out of their enclosure into the ocean. Bailey used his echolocation to follow the truck, and they swam under the freeway. Dory had an idea, and Destiny tossed Dory up onto the freeway, where, as part of the plan, a group of otters lined up in the roadway holding Dory and started having a cuddle party. Drivers stopped to look at the cute otters, and a couple of the otters opened up the back of the truck and put Dory in the tank. Becky was supposed to come and rescue Dory and clownfish, but Becky left with just Marlin and Nemo in the bucket. Marlin spoke to loony Becky, and she went back for Dory. Hank tried to say goodbye to Dory, but she told him that she wasn’t going to let him go to Cleveland and he was coming to the ocean with her. Hank agreed, but then the truck doors closed and they couldn’t be opened from the inside. Dory spotted an emergency exit on the ceiling, and Hank climbed out onto the windshield and caused the humans driving to screech to a halt. Hank and Dory locked themselves in the cab of the truck, and Hank drove the truck recklessly in the other direction back towards the ocean. The police arrived and made a barricade with their cars to block the road, so Hank drove the truck off the freeway and into the water so all the fish in the truck escaped into the ocean to freedom. Dory, Marlin, and Nemo went back home on the other side of the ocean with Dory’s parents and Hank. Dory spent the entire movie trying to find her parents, and then she deserted them to rescue her friends and told her mom and dad, who didn’t want her to leave, that she would be fine and had to go back for Marlin and Nemo with the possibility that Dory might be separated from her parents and never see them again. Crazily, this movie had a $200 million budget and grossed over $1 billion at the box office. The following the listed on the movie cover art: Domestic Box Office, BoxOfficeMojo.com “The biggest animated movie of all time.” Mark S. Allen, ABC “‘Perfect’ may be an understatement.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/17/23

TITLE: Sixteen Candles 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.) HOW IS THIS PG WHEN IT HAS NUDITY?

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1984 Universal Pictures / Channel Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began on Samantha (Sam) Baker’s sixteenth birthday. Sam hoped to wake up with a sudden physical womanly transformation but she looked the same as fifteen and called her female best friend, Randy, over the phone to share her disappointment. Sam’s mom, Brenda, apologized that she forgot to get Sam’s carrots for her lunch, and as he went out the door to catch the bus, Sam’s little brother, Mike, remarked that Sam was only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts. Brenda hurried Sam out the door without even acknowledging her birthday, and she said that she couldn’t believe that her parents f-ing forgot her birthday. At school, Randy reassured Sam that her parents were just caught up preparing for Sam’s eldest sister Ginny’s wedding the following day and they would soon remember Sam’s birthday. Sam went on to say that she had been waiting years for a Sweet Sixteen birthday party with a black Trans Am in the driveway and a guy that she would have sex with on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes. In class, with the teacher completely distracted reading a newspaper and some of the students falling asleep and listening to music on their headphones, Sam wrote down her answers to the questions on a sex test that she got from Jennifer Woods during Child Development. Sam wrote that she hadn’t had sex before but wanted to have it with her crush, Jake Ryan, except he didn’t know that. Sam pretended to stretch and dropped the folded-up paper on the floor, and Jake was watching her and picked it up. After class, Sam told Randy that she planned to do the test and pass it to Randy in class, but she wasn’t paying attention and Jake got ahold of it instead. Randy couldn’t believe that Sam wanted to be with Jake because he was already taken, was a senior, and supposedly didn’t know anything about Sam. Sam didn’t put her name on the paper so she figured nobody would know it was she. However, Jake then immediately talked to his buddy and asked him what he thought of Sam, and he replied that Sam was a nobody and he would only go out with her if Jake paid him a lot. Jake said that it was cool the way Sam was always looking at him in class like she was in love with him, and his friend reminded him that he had Caroline Mulford, who was a real woman. Caroline was then shown in the shower at school with full naked breasts and rear nudity on the screen and Sam and Randy staring jealously at her. They discussed how Caroline’s brother was deaf and everybody worshiped her and Caroline was going to the dance that night with Jake, and Sam said she would kill herself. On the bus, freshmen Ted sat really close to Sam and tried to ask her out to the dance, but she called him a fag and told him to go to hell and refused to answer his question if he was turning her on. Sam arrived home and met up with both sets of grandparents who came for Ginny’s wedding. She couldn’t wait to get away from enthusiastic Dorothy and Howard, and when she went downstairs Helen remarked to her husband Fred that Sam got her boobies, to which he replied that he’d better go get his magnifying glass. Sam went to her room saying she couldn’t believe that her grandmother felt her up. Sam then met Long Duk Dong, an exchange student from China who was living with Grandma and Grandpa Baker. Later that night, Ginny talked about her fiancé, Rudy, but when Sam tried to talk about her boy problems Ginny dismissed them as Sam being jealous that Ginny was getting married and had all the attention on her, and that she thought Sam was being selfish and immature. At the dinner table (without Brenda, Jim, and Ginny because they went out to dinner with Rudy’s family), Sam excused herself for a dance at school saying that it was important and she would be graded on it for gym. Dorothy suggested that Sam go to the dance with Dong since Dong was the same age as Sam. At the school dance, Sam stared jealously at Caroline dancing with Jake, and Ted started dancing energetically in front of Sam to try to get her interested in him, but she ran out into the hallway and cried. Ted was obsessed with Sam, so he made a deal with his buddies that he could get sex from her and he would prove it by getting Sam’s underwear. Jake went over to Ted and asked about Sam, and Ted replied that she was the girl with the small tits and she was going home with him. Sam went back to the dance and sat on the sidelines, and geeky Ted tried to ask her to leave with him but she got up and walked to the school garage classroom. Ted followed her and they sat in an old car, where Sam explained that she didn’t have a good birthday and nothing could physically make her happy. Ted offered to share his most embarrassing secret to make Sam feel better, and it turned out to be the fact that Ted was not a stud because he had never had sex with a girl before. Ted tried to climb on top of Sam and she pushed him off, but when he said she was sorry she replied that it was okay and he tried to do it again. Ted then asked Sam if it would be off the wall for him to ask her to have sex with them, and she replied that it wasn’t as off the wall as the reason why she wouldn’t, which was because she was saving herself for Jake (who she thought didn’t know she existed). Ted said that he was just talking to Jake in the gym and he was asking about Sam, and when Sam asked Ted for advice about what she should do, he replied that he was a gambling man by nature and would just go for it. Before Sam left to go talk to Jake, Ted told her that he made a bet with his friends that he would have sex with Sam, and he asked to borrow Sam’s underpants for ten minutes so he could show them proof without either of them having to get physical. Sam agreed, and Ted and his friends charged other boys money to get into the boys’ bathroom and see Sam’s panties. Dong drove Sam home with Marlene, the girl he danced with. Dong and Marlene both smoked cigarettes and then went on to an under age teen party at Jake’s. Caroline and Jake went to Jake’s house where they had a party after the dance with teens making out, drinking, and smoking after the dance because Jake’s parents were out of town. Dong and Marlene arrived, and Dong crashed Grandpa’s car into the front of another car that had two teens making out in the backseat. Ted’s friends were concerned that they would get in trouble for going to the senior party, but he convinced them to because they had a pair of girls’ underpants and $70 for charging boys to see it, not to mention the party was a great social opportunity for the unpopular trio. Jake was up in his room looking through a yearbook. Jake found Sam’s phone number, so he called her. However, Dorothy and Howard were sleeping in Sam’s room while they were staying (and Sam slept on the couch) and Dorothy picked the phone up just as Jake hung up saying “eat me,” so Dorothy told Howard that the person on the phone wanted sex. At the party, Marlene and Dong were upstairs riding an exercise bike with him on top of her. Jake called again, and Caroline came down the hallway drunk and sat down outside the door asking Jake if he stopped loving her. He shut the door with her hair stuck between the hinges and told her to leave him alone. Jake kept calling and stated his business to Howard that he wanted to speak to Sam, and Howard said no so Dorothy grabbed the phone from him and used God to tell off Jake’s foul mouth and then hung up. Caroline’s drunk girlfriends came along and agreed to help her, but instead of just opening the door one of the girls used scissors to cut off a long section of Caroline’s hair. Marlene messed around with the weights upstairs, and a barbell ended up falling through the floor (the ceiling of the first floor) and into the basement where it broke a bunch of wine bottles (with one girl saying that she hoped Jake’s family had insurance). Later that night, Jim told Sam that her family finally remembered her birthday, and he apologized for letting the wedding distract them from it. Jim had a heart-to-heart with his daughter about her crush, Jake, and Jim told Sam that he loved her and if Jake couldn’t see all the amazing things Sam’s dad saw in her, then Jake wasn’t worth it. As he left, Jim added that when Sam did find a guy to make sure he knew she wore the pants in the family. Sam then remembered that Ted still had her underpants, and at that exact moment Jake was questioning Ted if the underpants really belonged to Sam after everybody else left the party. Ted insisted that he wasn’t lying because he didn’t want to get beat up by Jake, and Jake said he wasn’t just interested in getting Sam to have sex with him because Caroline was upstairs passed out in his bed and he could violate her ten different ways but didn’t because he wasn’t interested in her any more, not to mention she trashed his house and didn’t care anything about love, just partying. Jake wanted a serious girlfriend he could love and would love him back, and Ted told him that was beautiful and that Sam was special. Jake made a deal with Ted that Ted could take Caroline home if he let Jake keep Sam’s underwear. Ted said he was a freshman so he didn’t have a car or a license, and Jake replied that Caroline was so drunk she wouldn’t know the difference and Jake trusted Ted to use Jake’s car. Ted said he would love to but couldn’t, but then he agreed to carry unconscious Caroline out to the car. Ted freaked out when he learned that it was actually Jake’s dad’s car and it was a Rolls-Royce, but Jake told him not to hit anything and Ted drove off. Caroline woke up during the car ride and started acting crazy, blasting music, and taking phone calls which distracted Ted. Caroline put a pill in Ted’s mouth, and he spit it out the window after she said now they were both on the pill because it was a birth control pill. Caroline said the pill helped a girl her age be really careless, and she started kissing Ted on the lips which made him swerve the car up onto the curb and knock over a trashcan. Ted had an idea and drove to his buddies’ house, and he knocked on a side window and told them to bring the camera out front to take a picture of him in the Rolls-Royce with Caroline sitting in his lap, but they messed it up and only got a picture of Ted’s face. The next morning, Dorothy was trying to make breakfast and Helen was going to open the donuts holding a lit cigarette in one hand but then she decided not to because she didn’t want to mess up her nails. She put the cigarette in her mouth while she used a knife to open the donut box, and once it was open she puffed smoke all over the donuts. Mom apologized to Sam for forgetting her birthday, and Mike refused to say anything about it. Sam went back to her room and called Randy for advice about what to do about the wedding because Sam didn’t want to go, and Randy said that the previous night her younger brother paid a dollar to see Sam’s underwear at the school dance. Sam screamed loudly, and then she and her sisters and Brenda left for the wedding with Jim, Mike, and the grandparents.They drove out of the driveway and spotted Dong passed out on the front lawn, and they thought he was dead. Jim said that he paid $7,000 for a wedding he would never see because of the delay, and Howard touched Dong’s arm and announced that he was still warm so they rolled him over onto his back. Howard asked where his car was, and Dong, still drunk, laughed as he explained that he crashed it into the big lake. Dorothy kicked Dong hard in the stomach for that. Caroline and Ted woke up in the parking lot across from Caroline’s church with beer cans in the car. They discussed that they thought they had sex last night but couldn’t remember because they were so drunk. Ginny was on her period on her wedding day and took four muscle relaxers, so she was a little out of it. Jake went to Sam’s house, and Dong answered the door and screamed when he saw it was Jake. He shut the door in Jake’s face and told him to go away otherwise Dong would call the FIB and the police. It turned that Dong didn’t want to answer the door because Jake punched him in the face, and Jake said he only did that because Dong grabbed his private parts but didn’t remember that it was Jake he did that to and apologized because Dong thought that Jake was his new-style American girlfriend, Marlene. Dong told Jake that Sam was getting married at the church, and Jake was confused because Sam was only sixteen but Dong insisted that it was Sam and shut the door in Jake’s face again. Ginny passed out, and Jim ran into the room and started freaking out. Brenda said to quiet down because they didn’t want to announce that Ginny had her period, but she said it so loud that all the wedding attendees could hear. Jim basically had to drag Ginny down the aisle because she was acting out of it from her medication, and she even took her veil off. Jake drove through the church parking lot and witnessed Caroline and Ted kissing in the back of his parent’s car, and Jake swore and parked his car. Caroline went to apologize to Jake, and they agreed that they weren’t going to die if they didn’t stay a couple because they knew they weren’t meant for each other. Ted answered the car phone and it was one of his buddies wanting to know what happened, and Ted hung up on him. After the wedding service, Rudy’s dad gave the minister cash, and Rudy’s mom gave him on a kiss on the lips. Ginny took her shoes off and threw them through a church glass window breaking it, and then she tried to lay down on the steps as Rudy was smoking a cigarette and quickly picked her up. Rudy attempted to retrieve Ginny’s shoes, and Ginny stumbled onto the lawn and took off the slip under her dress. Rudy then got Ginny into the car and they drove away. Sam went back into the church to get Ginny’s veil, and when came out of the church she learned that she missed seeing her sister leave because all of the cars were driving away except for Jake, who was standing on the other side of the street in front of his bright red sportscar and waved at Sam. Sam learned that Jake came to see her, and she told him that she wasn’t going to the reception and instead wanted to hang out with him, and he was happy about that. Sam signaled to her dad that Jake was the boy they discussed that she was in love with. Later that night, Jake and Sam sat on the table around a birthday cake that he got for her, and he wished her a happy birthday. She thanked him for getting her underwear back, and then Sam and Jake kissed. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/16/23

TITLE: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004 Paramount Pictures/Brooklyn Films II/Filmauro/Riff Raff-Blue Flower Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a scientist named Dr. Jorge Vargas traveling on an airship. He gave a telegram to a flight attendant and told him to deliver it to Dr. Walter Jennings with the goodbye message that Vargas was being followed and that Jennings must protect the two vials included with the telegram. Dr. Vargas then went missing and was crossed off someone’s hit list with only Dr. Jennings’s name remaining. Meanwhile, New York City reporter Polly Perkins received a book with a message written on the inside from an unknown person telling her that he knew who the next target on the list was and for her to come alone to meet him at the theater that night, a ticket for which was included. Polly met with Dr. Jennings, who explained that he was one of seven scientists chosen to serve in a secret facility called “Unit 11,” outside Berlin before World War I, and the scientists agreed to never discuss what went on behind those doors because they were forced to do terrible things there. Jennings said that Dr. Totenkopf was coming for him because he was the last scientist left, and then everyone ran outside when the loud sirens started and they were instructed to evacuate the city with hundreds of planes flying overhead. Polly went to a payphone to call her editor, Mr. Paley, about Dr. Jennings and Totenkopf. He agreed to get the scoop and told Polly to leave, and then she spotted giant robots stomping by. They called for ace pilot Joseph “Sky Captain” Sullivan for the emergency situation, and he flew in and used a bomb to defeat one of the robots. That slowed down the other robots and the people were safe for the meantime. However, the attack was not limited to New York, and other disasters involving mechanized tornadoes and burrowing machines took place around the world, stealing coal and oil reserves and causing a blackout in NYC. World leaders decided to put their hope in Sky Captain’s mercenary army-for-hire to solve the mysteries. The downed robot was taken to Joe’s air base, where Dex examined it and confirmed that he might be able to track the robots if they came back. Joe went to his office, where Polly was waiting to speak to him. He told her to get out because it had been three years since they spoke after Polly supposedly sabotaged Joe’s plane to get a picture of Tojo Hideki in his bathrobe. Polly claimed that Joe invented the sabotage story to cover up the fact that he was running around on Polly with his mystery girl when they were in Nanjing, and he denied that. Joe called Dex to escort Polly off the premises, but she flashed a robot blueprint that Dr. Jennings dropped as he was leaving the theater to convince Joe to let her stay and see the actual robot. Dex said that the robots first started appearing three years before and they were able to keep them a secret, but now things were getting out of hand. The robots raided cities and only took what they needed, and then they disappeared without a trace and nobody had ever been able to figure out who was sending them. Polly explained that she researched the name Totenkopf and discovered that he ran the secret Berlin facility and the insignia for Unit 11 matched the one on the robot. Joe agreed that he and Polly would go in on it together, but he didn’t want her to publish anything or take any pictures with her camera without asking him first. Polly and Joe went to Dr. Jennings’s lab, but he didn’t answer the door when they knocked so they broke in through the locked door. They found Dr. Jennings, who told them that they must stop the man ransacking his lab that turned out to be a female suspect. She got away before Joe could stop her, and he found a briefcase. Dr. Jennings’s dying words to Polly were that the countdown would begin and the world would end if Totenkopf found “them,” and he gave Polly the two vials that he received from Dr. Vargas. She put them in her pocket, told Joe that Dr. Jennings was dead, and confirmed that the briefcase belonged to him. More sirens went off, and Polly and Joe headed back to the base, where bird-like robots started firing at everything and Joe went in his plane (with Polly after she insisted that he let her come) and shot at the robots. Over the radio, Dex told Joe not to shoot any of the machines because the tracking signal was coming from one of them and Dex needed it to stay in one piece so he could figure out where the transmission was coming from. Joe figured out which machine it was and followed it and several others into the city. However, the other robots were attacking the air base and captured Dex. Joe escaped the robots chasing him by transforming his plane into a submarine and diving into the ocean, and the machines exploded upon impact with the water. Joe flew back to the burning base in search of Rex, and he and Polly found a piece of paper with an X marking the spot that Dex had left for them to find before Totenkopf sent robots to take Dex as a hostage because he figured it out. In the plane, Polly looked through Dr. Jennings’s briefcase and discovered that Totenkopf was a genius scientist, but he mysteriously disappeared and was rumored to be working on a doomsday device. Nobody knew where he or his female companion (an assassin who controlled the robots) was, and Polly figured out that she was the one who took Dex. They landed in Tibet, where Joe’s friend, Kaji, had maps waiting for them in exchange for boxes of Vienna sausage. They looked at the maps, and Kaji explained that according to Dex’s data, the transmission originated in the valley called Shambhala (also known as Shangri-La), which was forbidden because it was the source of the Kalachakra (Tibetan magic). The people living in Shambhala were said to have supernatural powers, and protected by the priests of the Kalachakra lamasery. Kaji said it was dangerous and the priests would kill the intruders if they were discovered, but Polly and Joe still wanted to go and Kaji agreed to take them. Polly sent what might be her last message to Editor Paley to tell him that they tracked a radio signal to Nepal and were looking for Dr. Totenkopf. Kaji took Joe and Polly into the Himalayan Mountains, where they investigated an abandoned mining outpost. Kaji and Joe figured out that the entire mine was contaminated with uranium and was poisonous, but they couldn’t leave yet because Polly had wandered off. Joe heard her scream and ran to her rescue. The criminal held her captive and demanded to have the vials in exchange for her life. Joe didn’t know anything about the vials, and then Polly took them out of her pocket and gave them to the man, who released her and then locked her and Joe inside in a room behind a heavy door. Polly told Joe that she had been planning to tell him about the vials and didn’t know what was in them, but he didn’t believe her. They found a bunch of boxes of dynamite that the men had lit before locking the door, but Kaji unlocked the door and they made a run for it just as the dynamite exploded. Polly woke up to discover that she was naked in bed with naked Joe and naked Kaji. A man appeared, and Kaji spoke to him in Tibetan and learned that their clothes were burned because they were infected from the poisonous mine, and the man arranged for a guide to take the trio back down the mountain. When the man heard that they were looking to kill Totenkopf, he wanted to help them. He gave them clothes and explained that Totenkopf forced people to work in the mines, but because they were poisonous the majority of the people died, but those who didn’t die immediately were experimented onby Totenkopf. The man took them to a dying old man who was the only living survivor of Totenkopf’s experiments, and he gave them his staff and instructed them to follow Rana to find Totenkopf. Since he helped them, the man wanted one thing in return that was for them to kill him, and they did as he asked. In the plane, Joe realized that the man was talking about the star Rana, and he was able to figure out its coordinates. He calculated that they would run out of fuel shortly before reaching their destination, so he planned to make a stop at a mobile British airstrip that Dex helped design. It was there they met with Joe’s friend, Commander Francesca (Franky) Cook. Commander Franky told them that Reconnaissance located an island, and Joe figured that was where Totenkopf was. Machines started attacking the airstrip, and Franky called in the amphibious squadron planes that turned into submarines for diving into the ocean. They encountered a huge robot underwater, and they fired torpedoes at it. However, the rudder on Joe’s plane then jammed and he couldn’t steer as the robot launched torpedoes at him. Franky in her plane diverted the torpedoes to follow her, and then she drove her plane and the torpedoes right into the robot, letting herself out of the cockpit to safety at the last second and using a jetpack to fly up to the airstrip in the sky. Joe and Polly emerged above the surface and got out of the plane, and when Polly looked at the reflection in the water she realized that the numbers on Joe’s plane were her name spelled backwards. They set out on foot through a jungle filled with strange creatures that they identified as some of Totenkopf’s creations. A flying creature came after them, and while they were running Joe lost his gun and Polly went back for her camera she dropped. She started crying because she only had two shots left on her camera, and while she was going back for her she accidentally took a picture of the ground and now only had one shot left for her story. Joe confessed to messing around with Polly for three months in Nanjing with Franky, and Polly admitted that she sabotaged Joe’s plane. Joe and Polly went through a tunnel into a headquarters building, where they discovered that Totenkopf was building an ark and leading every animal two by two into a giant rocket ship.The countdown started and robots surrounded them, and then Dex and a few of the missing scientists (the remaining didn’t make it when they and Dex escaped into the tunnels after the countdown started) rescued them on a spacecraft. The scientists explained that Totenkopf brought them to Unit 11 to finish what they started thirty years before. Totenkopf believed that humans were doomed to extinction, so he came up with an idea to build a rocket and carry the building blocks of a new civilization into space. He used robot machines to collect specimens representing all life on Earth, and he called it “The World of Tomorrow.” The two vials contained Totenkopf’s masterpiece, Adam and Eve, which were seeds of a technological utopia. The scientists smuggled the vials off the island knowing Totenkopf would never leave them behind, but now that he had them again there was nothing left to keep him on the island. They couldn’t let Totenkopf go into space where he couldn’t harm anyone because when he reached the edge of space, Earth would be incinerated and only Totenkopf could stop it, but he was too well hidden for the captives to ever see him. They went to a door guarded by two robots, and Joe took them down using Dex’s laser gun. One of the scientists ran forward to go through the door since they had only five minutes left, and he was electrocuted to death in front of everyone. A hologram of Totenkopf’s face then appeared before them, and he explained that he was destroying the world because it was bent on hatred and self-destruction. Dex unplugged something and it shut the electricity and the hologram off, and they went through the door and discovered Totenkopf’s body. They realized that he had been dead for twenty years and they were chasing a ghost. Joe went to go shut down the rocket with three minutes to liftoff, and before he left he and Polly kissed and then he punched her in the face to knock her unconscious so she couldn’t follow him. Joe fell over the railing while he was fighting the female assassin who came after him, and Polly woke up and knocked out the other female, revealing that the assassin was a machine. Polly had payback and punched Joe in the face, but she didn’t quite knock him out. They made it into the rocket just as it lifted off, and Polly pressed the emergency release button. They heard a recorded message of Totenkopf reciting from the Bible about Noah, and Joe said that Totenkopf thought he was God. Joe told Totenkopf to shut up as Joe was trying to cut a wire and shut down the rocket. The female assassin came back and tried to stop him, so Joe stabbed her in the face with a weapon to defeat her. He then used the weapon to create a system failure with the electronic device. Polly, Joe, and all the animals parachuted into the ocean to safety in pods. Polly had one shot left on her camera, so she used it to take a picture of Joe and then he told her that she forgot to take her lens cap off so she didn’t actually get a photo. The following was listed on the cover art: Roger Ebert, Ebert & Roeper “Astonishing as a technical achievement and terrific fun.” Jack Mathews, Daily News “…Like nothing you’re ever seen in a movie…”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/15/23

TITLE: Material Girls

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006 MGM Pictures/20th Century Fox/Maverick Films/Rafter H Entertainment/Patriot Pictures LLC/Milton Kim Productions/Concept Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Los Angeles and began with wealthy sister models Tanzie and Ava Marchetta going to a party where Ava’s fiancé, Mic, autographed another girl’s abdomen right in front of Ava. The next day, the engagement ring that Ava picked out was dropped off at the house with some roses and a note from Mic telling Ava to watch his show on TV after American Idol that night. The girls went to their company headquarters, Marchetta Cosmetics, where Tommy Katzenbach, the girls’ dad Victor’s best friend and the company CEO, told them that they had no new business since Victor’s death two years before and his daughters weren’t going to get much of an inheritance when they took over the company in July. Tommy went on to say that Fabiella, Victor’s worst enemy, was going to make an offer to buy the company, and if that happened they could pay off all the creditors and each of the girls would have $100 million to spend however they wanted. Ava wanted to consider the offer and use some of her share to invest in her fiancé’s script and make it into a movie, but Tanzie wanted to keep their dad’s makeup business. Later that night, the girls attended a formal event in honor of Victor. They went up on stage to say a few words, and then the news was broadcast on the screens behind them with Ned Nakamori reporting how it was rumored that Victor deliberately covered up his discovery during the creation of Everdew Night Cream that it caused permanent scarring side effects. The attendees who sampled the cream on rubbed it off their faces and ran out of the building screaming. Tommy rushed Ava and Tanzie home, where they were in the process of having a makeover when they heard noises outside and looked out the window to see protestors picketing and throwing eggs at their window. Tanzie said now she would never get into UCLA like she wanted, and Ava told Tanzie that it wasn’t all about her. Ava then started smoking a cigarette, which grossed Tanzie out so she knocked the cigarette out of Ava’s hand and it started a fire because Ava had accidentally spilled flammable nail polish remover earlier. The girls ran outside with the clothes they managed to salvage and drove off in their sports car. They went to a hotel to get a room, but the clerk informed them that their account was closed and their corporate platinum credit card was declined. Ava had a breakdown and immediately called Craig to find out what was wrong with their credit cards, and he replied that he canceled all their cards because Marchetta was broke and there would be an emergency board meeting the following day. Ava and Tanzie headed to their former maid Inez’s apartment and handed their car keys to two males standing outside who they thought were valets but actually stole their Mercedes. Inez welcomed the girls and let them stay in the two beds that were intended for Inez’s two daughters when they arrived from Columbia one day. The next day, the girls discovered that their car was gone, so they took the bus to Ava’s engagement announcement party but ended up getting off at the wrong stop so they walked. However, when they arrived they couldn’t get into the party because their name wasn’t on the list, and then Mic’s agent told Ava that Mic’s show was about to make the top ten list, and that made Ava a liability so the engagement was canceled. The girls went to the board meeting, where they learned that Fabiella’s offer went down and it was now $60 million for each of the girls. Tommy announced that the investigation proved the product had side effects Victor knew about, and the board scheduled a meeting to vote on whether or not they would sell. Ava and Tanzie left the building and were chased down a side street by the reporters, but Rick, a Marchetta employee, picked them up and dropped them off at a legal clinic where they tried to convince a lawyer named Henry to work for them pro bono. He told them that the service was for underprivileged people and they were far from that, so he suggested a private investigator. However, since they didn’t come pro bono, Ava and Tanzie needed to get jobs but Henry eventually agreed to work for them. They went to an employment agency, but the very sick female who had a sneezing fit all over the girls told them that they needed an unemployment agency and typing classes. Inez now had a job cleaning up after bulimics in Bel Air, and she told the girls that since she no longer worked for them and was currently out earning money, it was only fair that they clean up their own messes while they were staying with her. Tanzie and Ava went to the company, where they received a call from Fabiella who scheduled a meeting with them and Tommy the following day. The girls pretended to be maids at Marchetta headquarters so they could check out the test files for the product, but they were missing from the file drawer and s they tried to search Tommy’s office. The door was locked, and then Rick appeared and picked the lock. While Ava found the files, Tanzie learned that Rick was a lab technician and not the parking attendant (because the company didn’t have one) and he just parked their car for them to be nice. When they went outside, they were almost attacked by guard dogs so they used a different escape route that ended with them jumping into a dumpster. Ava and Tanzie went to see Fabiella, and she asked them if they were well because if they weren’t, she would be more than happy to lend them one of the psychiatrists on her payroll. Fabiella treated the girls to a spa day and told them that she wanted them to be the face of her new cosmetic line so they could travel, go to any college, and have everything they ever wanted. Fabiella added that she would clear Victor’s name and make him a hero again so the Marchetta’s ruined reputation wouldn’t matter. Inez, Rick, and the girls looked through the files and discovered that out of the thousand tested, 153 people had adverse reactions to the Everdew, so they divided up the phone numbers and started calling people. After they had talked to everyone on the list, it was determined that not one person had lasting side effects, just a small rash, which was nothing compared to the hideous scarring that the news reported. Ava wondered where Ned Nakamori found all the victims for his story. Ava went to see Henry, and Tanzie called Ava and told her that Victor changed the Everdew recipe by taking out an ingredient, but it wasn’t recorded in the files and it was screwier than Courtney Love. Tanzie saw the TV news report, and she discovered that Margo Thorness, the female with the scarred face in the video talking about Everdew, was the same female featured in a skin documentary about eczema. Tanzie went to the KLAE news station dressed like a prostitute. She introduced herself as Tina and used her cleavage and lied through her teeth to get a favor from Gene to look at the files of the people who went on KLAE talking about the rash. The security guard showed up and caught them, and he called Gene a moron because he didn’t recognize Tina as Tanzie Marchetta. Meanwhile, Ava told Henry that her mom was in Europe with an Egyptian prince, and she changed her name to Isis and called her daughters her cousins. Ava and Henry were about to kiss, but they were interrupted when Henry’s cat jumped up onto the table. Ava overreacted and told Henry that he was fired even though he was working for her for free. She then got a call because Tanzie was in jail for trespassing and attempted theft, and the bail was $20,000. Per Henry’s suggestion, Ava used her dad’s Rolex watch to pay for Tanzie’s bail. Inez was concerned that Ava and Tanzie were in jail, and she told them that they were like her other daughters and she didn’t want them to suffer for anything. She told them how much she loved them and how Victor was going to help bring Inez’s two daughter from Columbia to the USA, but he died so that didn’t happen. Ava said she was going to help Inez get her daughters to the USA. The girls went to see Margo to figure out the extent of her reaction, and she said that Marchetta offered to pay for her plastic surgery and that even though she had photographs of herself and her cats all over the walls, she had no pictures to show the girls of what her face looked like before she used the product. Margo claimed she had no skin conditions before using Everdew, but Tanzie pointed out that she saw Margo on the skin documentary for KLAE. Margo replied that she didn’t know it was the Everdew causing the problem and so she went to see a lot of doctors, and then she abruptly ended their meeting and kicked them out of the house because she had to go to Bible study on a Wednesday. Tanzie said the company paid for the surgery so they had access to Margo’s records, but Ava replied that they had no time left to investigate that because the vote by the board members to sell the company was on Saturday. A nut job from next door then threw a cat into the car through the window and told the girls to tell their friend Margo that if he got another cat in his yard he was going to set it on fire. The girls screamed, took God’s name in vain, and hated on cats, and then they jumped out of the car and asked the neighbor about Margo. He told them that Margo grew up in that house with her mom and she was born with the Big Dipper mark on her face, so it wasn’t a reaction to a cosmetic. The girls decided they would investigate on their own and not bring Tommy into any more of their investigations because he hadn’t been helpful. They went to Ned and sought his help in using the news to exploit the fraud. It was determined that Tommy stole from the company and set Fabiella up, and Tommy worked with Fabiella to get the company sold to her cheaply by creating the scandal and paying for Margo’s surgeries through the girls’ personal bank accounts that depleted their funds. Fabiella congratulated Ava and Tanzie on round one and told them that she thought they were going to run the company great before she walked out the door. Ava told the chairman she wanted to fire Tommy on the spot, effective immediately, and the chairman agreed that was a good idea. Six months later, the girls were in charge of Marchetta Cosmetics, and Jaden was happy to be their assistant. Ava and Henry were together, and Tanzie and Rick were together in the lab creating new cosmetics together. Ava and Tanzie were able to get Inez’s girls brought over from South America to live with Inez. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/14/23

TITLE: The Twilight Saga – New Moon 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2009 Summit Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with mortal teenager Bella Swan having a bizarre dream where she spotted her grandmother on the other side of a field. Bella’s boyfriend, vampire Edward Cullen, appeared out of the woods and they walked to meet Gran, but then Bella discovered that Gran was just her own reflection in a mirror. Edward told Bella happy 18th birthday (while he was 109 years old), and then Bella woke up in the real world. Bella’s police dad, Charlie, went into Bella’s room and brought her gifts (camera and photo album from him and her mom). Bella had a Romeo & Juliet book on her pillow. Outside school in the parking lot, Bella and Edward kissed, and then Bella’s Native American friend, Jacob Black, approached her and gave her a dreamcatcher as a gift. The school was filled with other vampires in disguise, some of which were also Cullens. In class, the students watched Romeo & Juliet and Edward said that Romeo killed his true love out of sheer stupidity. Later that night, Bella attended the birthday party that the vampires hosted for her. When she opened the gift from Esme and Carlisle, Bella got a paper cut and her finger started bleeding. Edward and Jasper exchanged looks, and then they started fighting. Alice intervened and snapped Jasper out his deranged state, and she and the others dragged him out of the room while Carlisle stitched up the bleeding gash on Bella’s arm which she got when Edward threw her across the room out of Jasper’s way which made her cut her arm on glass. Carlisle explained that Jasper went crazy at the sight of Bella’s blood because he hadn’t been away from human blood as long as the others and couldn’t control himself and live alongside mortal humans like they could. Carlisle said that helping people brought him happiness, even if his soul was damned, and when Bella wondered if Edward was afraid for Bella’s soul and that was why he wouldn’t change her into a vampire like she wanted. Edward drove Bella home, and she told him that the only way to prevent them from being separated someday (from an accident or other circumstance) was for him to change her to be a vamp like him, but he replied that would be a tragedy and not a solution. They kissed before Edward walked away into the darkness. The next day, Edward appeared outside Bella’s house and invited her to walk with him in the woods, where he told her that he and his family were leaving because what happened with Jasper was what Edward always expected and was nothing compared to what could have happened, so Bella didn’t belong in the vampire world and Edward didn’t want her to come with him. He told her to promise that she wouldn’t be reckless for Charlie’s sake, and in turn Edward promised that this was the last time Bella would ever see him and it would be like he never existed. Edward kissed Bella goodbye and then he disappeared. Bella ran through the woods looking for Edward, but by nightfall she realized that he really was gone and she cried herself to sleep on the ground. Meanwhile, a police search party, headed by Bella’s police officer dad and his buddy, Harry Clearwater, went looking for the missing Bella. Shirtless Sam carried Bella home. Bella moped around for months and had screaming nightmares. Charlie wanted to send her to Jacksonville to live with her mom and make new friends to get her out of her depression, but Bella replied that she was still hanging out with her old friends and was even going shopping with Jessica and then having girls’ night out. After Bella and Jessica watched a zombie movie at the theater, they walked down the street and Bella spotted a group of men on motorcycles. A vision of Edward appeared in front of her telling her this was dangerous and to keep walking, but that vision confirmed that Edward was still around protecting Bella so she started walking towards the guys on bikes hoping Edward would come back. Bella got on the back of one of the adult men’s bikes and he sped off, but as he was driving Bella screamed for him to stop because he was heading right for Edward’s apparition and about to hit him. Bella got off the bike and walked back to Jessica, who told Bella that she was either insane or suicidal and that homeboy could have been a psycho. Bella realized that a rush of danger was what she needed to see Edward again, so she brought scrap metal parts to Jacob so he could use his mechanic skills to build two dirt bike motorcycles. When they were finished, Bella, having never driven a motorcycle before, drove off on her bike at a high speed and saw flashes of Edward as she did so. She hit the brake and crashed, hitting her head hard on a rock. Jacob took off his shirt and used it to stop the bleeding on Bella’s head. In the cafeteria at school Bella and other students discussed the police reports of hikers being killed by a mysterious bear-like creature. Mike tried to ask Bella out to the movie theater to watch a romance movie, but Bella told him no and instead suggested that they all go see Face Punch because it was an action movie that Bella hoped would get her adrenaline pumping and lead to a glimpse of Edward. At the last minute, three teens in the group couldn’t go, so just Bella, Mike, and Jacob went to see the movie. Mike couldn’t stand watching the violent movie and went to the bathroom to throw up, and Bella and Jacob left the theater room. He tried to hold her hand, but she refused to let him because she said she didn’t want to get involved in a romantic relationship with him. Jacob made a promise to Bella that he would never hurt her like Edward did. Mike then came out of the bathroom and said that he was going to go home because he was feeling sick even before the movie started. He was a little uncomfortable by Jacob glaring at him, and when Mike asked what Jacob’s problem was, he replied that Mike was his problem and if he was sick he should go to the hospital. Jacob jumped up for no reason and threatened to put Mike in the hospital, and when Bella put her hand on Jacob she said he was really hot like he had a fever. Jacob said he didn’t know what was happening and he needed to leave. Bella left Jacob several messages, but he wouldn’t call her and his dad told her that Jacob had mono. She went to go see him, and he was walking around shirtless in the rain with a tattoo on his shoulder and his shoulder-length hair cut off. Jacob said Bella wasn’t the problem; he was, because he used to be a good kid but wasn’t anymore. He told her to blame the filthy bloodsucker Cullens that she loved, and Jacob added that they couldn’t be friends anymore and to make good on his promise not to hurt Bella he needed her to go home and not come back. He then ran off to join a group of other shirtless boys, including Sam, with the same tattoo. While Bella was out alone in the woods, vampire Laurent appeared and wanted to know where the Cullens were because their house was empty. He asked if they visited often, and Edward’s apparition told Bella to lie so she said all the time and that she would tell them Laurent stopped by. Laurent went on to say that he was there because Victoria wanted him to see if Bella was still under the protection of the Cullens since Victoria felt it was an “eye for an eye,” situationand it was only fair that she have Edward’s mate killed since he killed Victoria’s. Bella tried to follow Edward’s advice and threaten Laurent that Edward would come after him, but Laurent didn’t think so and told Bella that he was doing a kindness for her because if Victoria had her way, she would make Bella die a slow and painful death, whereas Laurent would kill Bella quickly and she would feel nothing. Before he could, though, a snarling pack of werewolves the size of bears came out of the woods and chased after Laurent. Bella ran home and told Charlie and Harry that the killer animal was a pack of huge wolves, not a bear. Charlie and Harry went to hunt the wolves (not knowing the entire story as Bella kept it to herself), and Charlie told Bella to stay in the house. Later that night, Jacob threw rocks at Bella’s bedroom window to get her attention, and then he jumped like an animal between the house and a tree to get in through her bedroom window upstairs. He said he couldn’t explain because he had one of those secrets that wasn’t his to share and he was in it for life. Bella suggested they go somewhere, and Jacob replied it wasn’t something he could run away from but he would run away with Bella if he could. He then left. Bella later confronted the other shirtless boys and demanded to know what they did to Jacob, who wouldn’t tell her anything because he was scared of them. Bella slapped Paul across the face, and that angered him so much that he transformed into a werewolf. Jacob came outside and turned into a werewolf as well, and he and Paul fought. Two of the other boys wouldn’t let Bella check on Jacob and see if he was okay, and instead they took Bella to Sam’s fiancée Emily’s house. Sam, Paul, and Jacob arrived later acting like nothing had happened and they were just playing instead of fighting viciously. Bella and Jacob went for a walk, and he explained that only a few members of his tribe had the werewolf gene and the fever set in when a bloodsucker vampire moved to town. Bella said that vampires were different than werewolves because they didn’t kill people, and Jacob replied that the only people the werewolves killed were vampires and not to worry about anything happening to the Cullens unless they broke the treaty. Bella insisted that the vampires would kill the werewolves first, to which Jacob responded that it was easy enough to kill Laurent and they chased his girlfriend, Victoria, to the Canadian border the other night but she kept coming back and they didn’t know what she was after. Bella replied that Victoria was after her, and Jacob said they had her house covered and nothing would happen to her or Charlie. Bella wanted to see Edward again, so she went to the cliffs to do some cliff diving and get a rush. Harry and the police searched the woods for the werewolves, and Harry hid wolf tracks he found from the police. Victoria was in the woods and went after Harry, and Jacob and his pack in werewolf form appeared and chased Victoria to the cliffs, where she escaped by jumping into the water. Bella stood at the edge of the cliff with Edward begging her not to jump, but she did anyway because he wouldn’t be with her any other way. While underwater, she saw Victoria swimming towards her, and then Bella hit her head and saw Edward again. Jacob rescued Bella out of the water and revived her, and one of the werewolf boys ran by and said he was going to Harry’s place. Jacob explained to Bella that Harry had a heart attack and died at the sight of Victoria, and so Charlie and Jacob’s dad were at Harry’s house with his family. Jacob drove Bella home and told her in the car that Emily’s face got its scars when Sam lost his temper and hurt her, but they were still getting married. Jacob said that he couldn’t imagine what would happen if he ever got mad at Bella, and that sometimes he felt like he was going to disappear. Bella said she wouldn’t let Jacob lose himself by telling him all the time how special he was, and they almost kissed but didn’t. Bella was about to get out of the truck, but Jacob quickly shut the door and told Bella that he was taking her somewhere safe because he smelled a vampire. Bella spotted Carlisle’s car and realized that the vampires were in her house, and Jacob went after her and told her that werewolves could only defend on their own land according to the treaty, so he couldn’t protect her and she was crossing a line. Bella replied not to draw one and that the vampires wouldn’t hurt her. Bella went inside and found Alice there, and she couldn’t believe that Bella was alive because Alice said she had a vision that Bella jumped off a cliff. Bella replied that she was cliff jumping recreationally, and then Jacob came inside to make sure Bella was okay even though he couldn’t protect her. It turned out Alice couldn’t see Bella being rescued out of the water or Victoria being around because Alice’s vision was blocked when Jacob and his werewolves were nearby. Alice left the room, and Jacob wanted to know if there were any other Cullens around and Bella replied not that she knew of. Jacob and Bella almost kissed again, but then the phone rang. Jacob picked it up and said it was the Swan residence, and it was revealed that the person on the other end was Edward calling from Rio de Janeiro with the Christ statue in the distant background. Edward crushed the cell phone in his hand when he heard Jacob’s voice because Edward knew that he couldn’t be with Bella at the moment since Jacob was. Alice came back into the room and explained that it was Edward and he thought that Bella was dead and now he wanted to die too, so he was going to the Volturi officials in Italy. Jacob told Bella to step back away from him because he was about to lose control and turn on her, so Bella ran out of the house with Alice. Jacob tried to stop Bella, but she replied that she was 18 and legally free to go and she left her officer dad a note. Bella didn’t stay for Charlie and she didn’t stay for Jacob and told him she had to go for Edward because she couldn’t let him kill himself out of guilt. Edward went before the Volturi, and they said they couldn’t destroy him and asked him to join them instead, but Edward didn’t want to and walked away. Alice saw a vision that the Volturi refused Edward, and she told Bella that Edward was going to wait until noon to show himself to the humans so the Volturi would kill him (because the only rule in the vampire world was that the vampires must keep their existence a secret from humans, and if they didn’t they would be killed). Alice and Bella drove through the Italian city in a stolen sports car, and Alice explained that all the people walking by wearing red capes with hoods over their heads were celebrating the San Marco’s Day festival, which commemorated the expulsion of vampires from the city. Alice let Bella out of the car so she could run to the clock tower where Edward would be. When the clock struck twelve, Edward took his shirt off and stepped out into the sun, but Bella ran to block it by putting her body against his telling him to open his eyes and look at her because she was real. She pushed him back into the building out of the sun, and he was ecstatic that she was alive. Bella said she could let Edward go now because he didn’t have to feel guilty, and he replied that he never acted out of guilt, he just didn’t want to live in a world where Bella didn’t exist. He added that he lied about not wanting her and she believed him so easily. Bella said she was human and nothing, and Edward said she was everything to him and they kissed. Two vampires appeared and said that Aro wanted to speak to Edward again, and Bella needed to come along. Alice joined the party and told them they didn’t want to make a scene. Jane came down the hall and said Aro sent her, so Edward, Alice, and Bella followed Jane. Aro spoke some Italian, grasped Edward’s hand, and read his soul and thoughts and identified that Edward could not read Bella’s but he could read Aro’s. Aro took Bella’s hand to see if he could read her thoughts, but he could see nothing. Aro then wanted to test if Bella was immune to all their vampire powers, so Jane used her gaze to inflict excruciating pain on Edward until Bella cried out for her to stop. Aro told Jane to go ahead and use her pain power on Bella, but it turned out that it did nothing to Bella, which only excited Aro because that had never happened before. It was determined they needed to destroy Bella, but Edward starting violently fighting Felix to protect Bella. Bella told them to stop and kill her and not Edward. Aro thought it was interesting that Bella would give up her life for a soulless vampire, and Bella replied that Aro didn’t know anything about Edward’s soul. Alice spoke up and told Aro that Bella would become one of them because Alice saw it in one of her visions. The Volturi let them go because they knew Bella would be a vampire soon according to Alice’s insight, and then Heidi with the tour group arrived. They heard screams as Heidi led the humans into the room with the Volturi. Bella had another nightmare with all the people screaming, and she woke up in her bedroom at home with Edward telling her he would still be there when she woke up again and the only reason why he left was to protect her. He added that leaving Bella was the hardest thing he had done in 100 years, and then he hid behind the door as Charlie opened the door to check on Bella. Charlie told her to never take off like she did ever again because she was gone for three days in her unstable condition, and then he left the room. Bella told Edward that once Alice changed her he couldn’t get rid of Bella, and Edward replied that Alice wouldn’t need to change Bella because there were always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark. However, it was decided that Bella would be transformed after the rest of the Cullen family voted and the majority said yes. On the drive home, Bella told Edward she wanted him to be the one to do it, but she would wait until after she graduated high school to make it easier on Charlie. Edward slammed on the brakes because Jacob stood in the middle of the road. They went into the woods to talk, and Edward thanked Jacob for keeping Bella alive when Edward failed to do that, to which Jacob replied that it was not for Edward’s benefit, but Bella’s. Edward said that he wasn’t going to leave Bella’s side until she ordered him to do so, and Jacob said he was there to talk about the treaty. The key point was if any of the vampires bit a human, the truce was over. Bella walked up to Jacob and told him that she loved him and asked him not to make her choose between him and Edward because it would be Edward and had always been him. A fight broke out between Jacob and Edward where Jacob turned into his werewolf self. Bella got between them and told them to stop because they couldn’t hurt each other without hurting her. Jacob left, and Edward told Bella that Jacob was right and she shouldn’t become a vampire like Edward. Edward told Bella to wait five years, but she said that was too long and he suggested three years. He then had one condition if he was going to transform Bella himself, and that was for Bella to marry Edward. On a budget of 50 million, this movie grossed over 709 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/13/23

TITLE: Easy A

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Sony Pictures/Screen Gems/Olive Bridge Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Ojai, California and began with high schooler Olive Penderghast starting a webcast to broadcast on the Internet all the lies she told to gain popularity, the first lie being the one where she lost her virginity to a guy at a community college. Olive’s best friend, Rhiannon, wanted to pay Olive to go camping with her and her family, but Olive didn’t want to go and lied that she had a date with George, a friend of her brother’s. Olive explained the real reason why she didn’t want to go camping with Rhiannon’s family was because Rhiannon’s parents were the weirdest people Olive had ever met, and when Olive had dinner at their house they were sitting in the backyard with both hippie parents shirtless and Rhiannon’s mom putting her bare breast against teen Olive’s face while reaching for a bottle. Rhiannon argued that there was no such thing as a sexy George and told her so-called friend Olive that she was a bit** and Rhiannon hated her. On Monday, Olive tried to tell Rhiannon that she and George didn’t have sex that weekend because Olive wasn’t that kind of girl, but Rhiannon insisted that they did and dragged her bit**/sh**face friend into the bathroom. Olive lied that she had sex, and Rhiannon happily told her that now Olive was a super slut like Rhiannon. Olive felt superior to Rhiannon in that moment, so she decided to keep making up lies about the sex as she went along. Marianne Bryant (secretary of the student council, chairman of the Orange Blossom dance committee, and president of the Cross Your Heart club that crammed their beliefs down people’s throats) then came out of a bathroom stall and Rhiannon called her “Sister Christian,” to which she replied that she was staring at two admitted whores. The previous year, Marianne had protested that the school came across as Satan worshippers because their sports team was the Blue Devils, and so it was changed to the Woodchucks. Marianne then started spreading the rumor that Olive was no longer a virgin, and when Olive went to confront Marianne and tell her that what she heard in the bathroom wasn’t true, Marianne replied that a higher power (God, not Tom Cruise) would judge Olive for her indecency. At home, Olive wanted to know if her dad, Dill, would testify to the fact that she was home all weekend, and he replied that he would slit his throat and take a bullet right between the eyes for his daughter. Everyone in school started staring at Olive, following her around, and talking about the rumor. In Mr. Griffith’s class, Nina used the subject of Hester’s adultery in The Scarlet Letter to mention that Olive was a tramp, and Olive used a nasty word in response and was sent to Principal Gibbons’s office. He told her that he got a bonus for keeping the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, and that he would expel Olive if she ended up in his office again. Olive had detention the following day, which involved mopping the floors and cleaning the bathroom with Brandon, who was also in detention but for calling the principal a fascist. Olive explained her story, and Brandon said it was messed up that she wanted everything to think she was a slut (even though he himself was a homosexual).Olive went on to say that maybe Marianne’s stuck-up, Jesus-freak attitude was all an act, but Brandon thought it was real. Olive was hanging out with Rhiannon when Brandon called Olive. She told him that she was with Rhiannon who was always swearing, and Olive started to say bit** but didn’t finish the word so Brandon would get the idea, and Rhiannon wanted to know what it stood for so Olive told Rhiannon that her identifier was Big Tits and she cheered about that. The next day, Brandon came over to Olive’s house and wanted to have sex with her (since she already ruined her reputation with her lie) so he could pretend he wasn’t gay until he graduated and the other kids would get off his case. That eventually convinced Olive, and the next night they went to the pool party at Melody Bostic house. Melody was the most popular girl in school, partly because she was pretty but mostly because her parents let her have crazy teen drinking parties with blue Solo cups every time she caught them having sex in the pool, which was every week. Olive and Brandon made a show in front of all of his tormentors, and Melody offered for them to use her bedroom for sex. They went into the room, where Olive took off her red panties from underneath her very short dress. Olive and Brandon sat on the bed and made moaning and groaning noises and jumping on the bed to make all the partygoing teens listening at the door think they were having sex. The grand finale was Olive hitting Brandon in the stomach hard enough to knock him off the bed, and before he left the room Olive tucked her panties into Brandon’s pocket as evidence. Olive’s mom, Rosemary, later brought Olive a gift that Brandon left for her, and Rosemary told Olive that she and Dill were completely supportive of their daughter and loved her no matter what the sexual orientation of her opposite-sex sex partner. Olive replied that she and Brandon were not dating, and Rosemary went on to say that Olive shouldn’t worry about not making her parents grandparents, even though they were hoping their teenage daughter would get knocked up so they could get a second shot at raising kids and do it right the second time. Rosemary left the room, and Olive opened the gift box to find a $200 Target gift card from Brandon as payment for her help. Rhiannon then called Olive and told that everyone thought she was a dirty skank, and Olive decided to make that true by sexing up her clothes and sewing the letter “A,” on all of them. Teen Olive was making so many grunting noises while sewing that Dill came into the room and told her that it sounded like she was having sex, even though that was impossible because she had a homosexual boyfriend. Olive said Brandon wasn’t her boyfriend, and Dill replied there was no judgement because they were all God’s children and Dill was gay once for a while. Olive went to school wearing her new clothes, and Rhiannon told Olive they weren’t friends anymore. Meanwhile, Marianne and some other students had a group discussion about how they needed to pray for Olive and one of them should talk to her and make her see her wrong. Marianne then started fake-sobbing and saying that even though Jesus loved everyone, it was hard for Marianne to love the whores and homosexuals because they kept doing it over and over again. Marianne then announced that she wanted her friends (including her 22-year-old boyfriend, Micah, who was a high school senior) to make a promise to her and God that they would remain pure and chaste until marriage. They all promised and then started singing Bible songs about Moses. At the school pool, Evan offered Olive $100 to do the same for him that she did for Brandon (because he told Evan the truth that Olive didn’t actually have sex with him but put on a convincing enough act to make people think she did) because he was overweight and couldn’t get a date. Olive refused initially but then took pity on Evan and told him the deal was they wouldn’t pretend to have sex, but she would let Evan fondle her chest and he could tell everyone it was the greatest experience of his life. In exchange, Olive wanted a $100 OfficeMax gift card in her locker the following day. The rumor that Olive was soliciting sex for money spread around the school faster than the first rumor, and it got Olive a lot of customers and gift cards: a $100 Best Buy gift card from Phil Lord so he could tell everyone he and Olive hooked up behind the library, a $50 T.J. Maxx gift card so that Eric Ling could say he and Olive got it on during Chemistry, a $90 Panda Express gift card so Ryan Dukes could tell people that Olive showed him hers, but he didn’t show her his, and $40 worth of foreign movie passes from Chris Miller for Olive’s pretend cowbell. Olive was mad about the 20% Bath & Body coupon that Sanjay Chandrasekhar gave her for their imaginary tryst. Olive said she wished her life was a ‘80s movie, but since it wasn’t now was the phase where she went from an assumed trollop to an actual homewrecker. Olive’s favorite teacher, Mr. Griffith, knew about everything going on from all the Facebook listings, and he told Olive that he also hated Nina and was cheering along with the rest of the class when Olive called her that nasty name. Olive left, and then Mr. Griffith’s wife the guidance counselor walked into the room and kissed her husband wanting to know who Olive was because she had never seen Olive before and she considered it her business to know everyone, especially the girls such as Olive who dressed like prostitutes. Mr. Griffith asked his wife to talk to Olive, who she now realized was the girl everyone was talking about since her snotty, Jesus freak office aide, Marianne, was always talking bad about Olive. Mrs. Griffith said she wouldn’t be able to have dinner with her husband that night because a kid brought a butter knife to school and she needed to have an after-school session. Mrs. Griffith then called Olive into her office for a guidance session, where she gave Olive a bunch of condoms out of her desk drawer which Olive said she didn’t need (because she wasn’t actually having sex with the boys paying her) but Mrs. Griffith insisted she take because the pill didn’t always work and Olive could ask some of her friends’ parents’ to confirm that. Mrs. Griffith then excused Olive from the office, and out in the waiting room Marianne was comforting Micah, who was Mrs. Griffith’s next patient because his parents were going through a divorce. Marianne fake-cried about that, but Olive was there to reassure her and Marianne started hugging Olive and announced that she was sorry for all the things she said to Olive and wanted to be friends. They were friends for most of the next day until Micah ended up in the hospital because he was in pain. The doctor diagnosed him with chlamydia, and Micah’s mom started hitting him and demanded to know how he had sex with, so he lied that it was Olive. When Marianne found out, she slapped Olive hard across the face and wasn’t nice to her anymore. Olive went looking for Marianne and barged into Mrs. Griffith’s office while she was having a breakdown. Mrs. Griffith explained that her marriage was failing, and so she was having a secret affair with student Micah (insisting it was legal since Micah was over age even though a senior) and gave him chlamydia. She planned to tell everybody about it, but Olive decided to take the blame for it and wrongly confess that she gave Micah chlamydia. Marianne, Rhiannon, and other students then started picketing signs that Olive was a slut and to expel Olive. Olive decided to go see what all the Bible stuff was about, so she went to the Catholic Church and sat in the confession booth to tell the Father her situation, but when she was done she discovered that there was nobody on the other side of the window. Olive then went to a Christian church and sat down to speak to the pastor, but after looking at a photo on the desk she realized that the pastor was Marianne’s dad and Olive started knocking over more photo frames of Marianne in her haste to get out of the church. Olive thought about how nobody had actually asked her out, and then Anson asked her out on a date and they agreed to go to the Lobster Shack. It was there that Olive noticed Rhiannon was sitting at a nearby table, and Olive rushed Anson out of the restaurant because she didn’t want Rhiannon to see her with Anson, who Rhiannon had a crush on since first grade. However, Rhiannon saw as they were leaving. Outside, Anson gave Olive a $200 Home Depot gift card and started making sexual advances on her, but she pushed him away because she thought they had gone on a real date and wasn’t expecting to just get another payment for pretending to hook up with another boy. Olive walked away and threw the gift card at Anson. Olive’s long-time secret crush, Todd, who worked at the restaurant, came outside and drove Olive home. On the way, Olive started crying, and Todd said he wished his first real kiss was with Olive instead of Rhiannon. Olive said that Rhiannon kissed Todd just because she knew that Olive had a crush on Todd. They pulled up outside Olive’s house and Todd wanted to kiss her, but they agreed that they would wait for the perfect kiss and now was not the time for it because Olive needed to clean up her mess. Olive and Todd hugged instead, and Olive went inside. Olive decided that it was time to stop the lies, and she went to find Brandon. However, a girl stopped Olive on the street and told her that Brandon ran away from home with a black boy after leaving his parents a note that read “I’m gay, bit**es.” Olive tried to get all the boys who paid her to say the hookups were a hoax, but they refused because of all the dates they were getting. Olive sat in Mrs. Griffith’s office again, and Mrs. Griffith said she wasn’t going to admit anything and that it was perfectly legal in the state of California for being with Micah because he was an adult, and if they played the Who Would You Believe? Game the teen would lose, whereas the accredited guidance counselor (far from God) with her career and higher degree would win. Olive ran out the door and immediately told Mr. Griffith and told that his wife had chlamydia, gave it to the student she was sleeping with, and was trying to blame Olive for it. In her webcast, Olive said the thing she regretted most was telling Mr. Griffith about that in that way because it ended his marriage. Olive and mom Rosemary had a talk, and Rosemary said she had a similar slut situation when she was in high school where she slept with a bunch of people, mostly boys but not all. Rosemary advised Olive to handle it with humor and she would come out of it better than her mom ever did (as her mom tried to show her a sex move she used to do). To get people interested into logging onto her webcast, Olive dressed like a showgirl and danced like a stripper while she sang to the people in the bleachers at a school pep rally inside the gym. Afterwards, she told everyone to log onto www.FreeOlive.com to watch her webcast during the basketball game. Principal Gibbons appeared and tried to drag Olive to his office, but she told him to go talk to Mrs. Griffith because Olive knew Mrs. Griffith would let her stay and not be expelled from school since she had something on the guidance counselor. Olive ended her webcast by telling everyone that she really liked Todd and might lose her virginity to him someday or in an hour or in a few months and that was nobody’s business but her own. Olive then she ran outside to kiss Todd and ride on a lawnmower with him down the street like an 80’s movie with an 80’s song playing. Mr. Griffith ignored his wife, Rhiannon apologized to Olive for lying about her, and Brandon and his boyfriend cuddled while they watched a Huckleberry Finn movie. This movie was the official selection for the Toronto 2010 International Film Festival and was released in Toronto on 9/11. The following was listed on the cover art: Claudia Puig, USA Today “Straight A’s for Easy A.” Peter Travers, Rolling Stone “Loaded with killer laughs.” This film had an $8 million budget and grossed $75 million. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/12/23

TITLE: Me Again

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR/Dove Family Approved Ages 12+ (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 PureFlix Entertainment/Latigo Film Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with Pastor Rich Chaplin at the Christ Community Church in California telling his congregation about a life-changing experience he had. Rich wasn’t prepared for family life. It showed Rich glaring at his teenage daughter Briar’s boyfriend, Colin, when he came to pick Briar up in his Camaro. Rich’s wife, April, got tired of him going through life like a sleepwalker so she wanted a separation from him. On a day that seemed like just yesterday, Rich’s friend, Tony, woke him up inside the church office because it was Sunday and Rich was sleeping in his chair after April kicked him out of the house. It was time for Rich to preach his Sunday service again. Before the sermon, a married couple, Bill and Maggie, came in complaining that their baby was too big of a financial burden on them. The pastor’s advice was to figure out what to do soon because lawyers were more expensive than children. Rich’s sermon was pretty out there because he told everyone that life was unfair since the rock star who didn’t live according to the Bible got everything while the one who played by the rules and did the right thing got nothing. Rich took the kids to the Italian restaurant his buddy Tony worked at, but they didn’t like the food so they went home. Rich discovered April was painting again like she used to do in college and she was turning the garage into an art studio. He was upset when he saw a picture of their family that she was working on and she didn’t paint him in it. In his church office, Rich kept watching “Obnoxious – When subtly isn’t enough,” commercial ads on TV featuring a blonde female model named Chloe and Big Earl offering viewers a new life. Rich called Tony over to the church to watch movies that night. Then Rich went into the pew area and asked God for help to be anybody other than who he was because he didn’t like his ordinary self and wanted to do extraordinary things, and because he was stuck in his miserable life and was losing his family. Rich later heard knocking at the door and went to investigate, and when he opened the door he was blinded by bright white light and then woke up in a bedroom with a maid named Muriel calling him Mr. Bastion (Tony’s boss, Frank Bastion). Rich was disoriented and didn’t know where he was, so he excused himself to the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror he saw a totally different older man in the mirror because he was trapped in Frank’s body. Muriel heard Rich screaming, so she called the doctor and told him that Bastion was having another one of his spells, and as she was on the phone Rich ran out the front door with her telling him to come back because he needed to take his pills. Rich jumped into Frank’s limo with Tony, who didn’t recognize Rich. Rich in Frank’s body then started having a heart attack, and he jumped out of the limo onto the ground. Rich told Tony that he was actually Rich Chaplin, but of course Tony only saw his boss and gave him his heart medication. Then there was another white light, and Rich woke up in Chloe’s female body wearing a short skirt and high heels. The only thing to eat in the fridge was butter, the cupboards were empty, and there were sticky notes with negative messages all over the fridge and wall. Rich called Tony and managed to persuade him that Rich was now stuck in a starving female model’s body, not Tony’s boss’s body, by telling Tony his real name and some things from childhood only they knew and asked for his help. When Tony and Rich got together, Tony wanted to ask out the male in a female body sitting in front of him because he thought Chloe was beautiful. Rich said that the last thing he remembered before the incident was waiting at the church for Tony to come over, but Tony argued that Rich did come over and they watched movies until two in the morning even though Rich didn’t remember that. Tony knocked all the movies off his desk except for “It’s A Wonderful Life,” which he handed to Rich and said that “divine intervention,” was the answer to Rich’s problem. Tony told Rich he needed to live the movie, meaning he had to figure out what God wanted him to do since the male pastor was now a female. The pastor replied that he was a man of God and God didn’t work that way. Rich decided he had to help the skinny model, so he went and got a bunch of junk food and started stuffing his face. Chloe’s agent then called her again and screamed at her (Rich) to get to the ongoing photoshoot, so Rich tried on female clothes from the closet. He went to the photoshoot with a disastrous outfit and makeup and was told by Chloe’s agent that if Chloe didn’t get it together, then the agent would ruin Chloe in that town and she would never find work there again. Rich called home to Briar, but he couldn’t think of a way to explain who he was so he hung up. April and Briar discussed how April’s marriage wasn’t supposed to be like that, and then Briar tried to mention something about her boyfriend Colin but ending up hiding it from her mom because she knew April was distracted with her marital issues anyway. Chloe’s agent didn’t want her to get her makeup fixed because she said the client liked the heroin chic style, which was the latest thing in the enviro garbage toxic greenhouse thing. Rich passed out during the photoshoot, and the photographer said if Chloe were dead the pictures would be worth a fortune. The sicko photographer had Chloe look wounded and enraged during the photography shoot. Rich then woke up in the body of a fish, Dorothy, in the tank at Tony’s restaurant right next to the table April and the kids were eating at. Tony told April their meal was on the house that night, and April told the kids that she and their dad were taking time away from each other to figure out what was best for the family. Rich heard his wife say she needed to push him harder to make himself happy, and then he left the Dorothy’s fish body and woke up in the body of Bill and Maggie’s baby girl. The couple woke up to the baby crying, and angry Bill went back to bed because he had to work overtime and didn’t want to be up at two in the morning for the baby. Maggie fed the little girl and put her happily back to bed. Rich then woke up as Frank’s elderly black female nurse, Muriel, surrounded by her family celebrating her birthday. April stopped by Tony’s restaurant to see if he knew where Rich was, and Tony just said Rich had been going through a lot and wasn’t himself lately, so April gave Tony the paperwork for their upcoming court date and told him to give it to Rich. Rich then woke up as his daughter’s boyfriend, Colin, with Colin’s mom yelling at him for how disgusting his messy room looked and how lazy he was. He made it to the Chaplin house to pick up Briar, and she wanted to give him a kiss on the lips but he wouldn’t let her because he was actually her dad and not her boyfriend, and then he drove off with the eldest female and left the two younger siblings home alone. However, April pulled up behind them just as they were leaving. In the car, Rich wanted to know where they were going, and Briar explained that he was supposed to take her to the doctor’s office so she could get on birth control pills without either of her parents knowing. Briar’s dad/boyfriend stopped the car in the middle of the street and freaked out, and he quickly turned around and dropped Briar off at the house. She ran inside, and April came out. As teenager Colin, Rich told April he was her husband and the father of her children. April told Colin never to come back to the house again and to stay away from her and Briar or April would have Colin committed or arrested. Rich went to Tony’s house, where Tony told Rich that he had just been with the real Rich all day trying to figure out what was wrong with him because he was his usual, down-in-the-dumps self.Tony went on to say that Rich wasn’t always like that because when Tony was in New York and wanted to be a movie writer and director, and it didn’t work out so Rich drove from California to New York to straighten Tony out and saved his life by helping him find Jesus. Tony told Rich that he might not like himself very much, but he could make other people like themselves better and that was a gift not many people had. After Rich said he learned he was a terrible father and husband, Tony wanted to know what else he learned because they already knew that. Tony said that every hero had to die before they could be born again. Rich replied that he was a Christian and he was already born again, to which Tony replied he thought his friend was bored, not born, again. Tony said Rich needed a crisis to hit rock bottom and then get better, so Tony handed Rich the envelope of paperwork from April. After he learned they were divorce papers, Rich decided that he needed to go back home and save his marriage. Rich sped back to April’s house outrunning law enforcement with their lights and sirens on because he was speeding, and when he pulled up outside he ran away from the police officers through the backyard. Rich got the attention of everyone inside through the window, and they told Colin to go away and then the highway patrol police tackled the boy in the backyard to the ground. In his jail cell, Rich asked the Lord why He put Rich in the story if it wasn’t going to have a happy ending. Big Earl started playing his harmonica and singing pity party songs for Rich, and then he told Rich to remember that God gave him life, not to waste it, but to live it every day happily. Big Earl left, and Rich fell asleep in the cell listening to one of his kids telling their dad to come home. Rich woke up in his own bed and thought it was over, but he quickly realized that he wasn’t himself but in fact in his wife’s body wearing her nightgown. Daughter Ruby came into the room telling her mom that she wanted her dad. Rich told all the kids the story about the prodigal son, and the moral of the story was that your Heavenly Father would always be there for you and it was never too late to go home. The next morning, they went to Uncle Tony’s for breakfast, where Rich told Tony that he was now April. Tony reminded Rich that he had court and that he had to face the enemy and defeat it before that time. Rich left the kids with Tony to go defeat himself, which meant going to the court hearing and speaking directly to himself through his wife’s body so it looked like two men were arguing about their marriage with the judge letting April (Rich) ramble. April walked out afterwards, and because they couldn’t have a divorce without a petitioner, the judge postponed the hearing for thirty days. Rich went to his church office and sat on the pew again, and he prayed to God that he wanted to go home and said he would appreciate everything and realize his life was full of blessings if he did. Rich woke up again to knocking on the door, and he opened it to find Tony, who thought he was a lunatic, but Rich was himself again so he didn’t care and explained everything to Tony. As it turned out, time hadn’t changed because all of it happened in half an hour instead of a week like Rich thought. Rich then had Tony go by the restaurant while Rich went to his home garage, put on his toolbelt, and finished the playhouse that he never built for the kids years ago when he promised he would. Rich and April first met and wanted to get married when they were five years old, and now the two adults had a tea party in the new playhouse like when they were younger and Rich wanted to fly to the moon. He told April that he was already on the moon when he was with her, and they made amends. The kids explored the playhouse, and Rich made lunch plans at Tony’s with his family. Rich then went to Frank’s house and confronted Frank in his limo telling him he drank too much, he smoked too much, and he was so mean to everybody that his own heart was eating itself from the inside. Rich went on to say that Frank was going to die soon, alone and miserable, to which Frank replied that Rich sounded like his cleaning lady, Muriel, who was always talking about Frank’s soul. Rich handed Frank a business card and told him to come by the church and see Rich when he was ready to talk, and Rich added to believe it because Frank didn’t have much more time to live. Rich then left notes and packages at people’s houses (an eyeglass chain for Muriel so she wouldn’t keep losing her glasses, and a note for Chloe telling her she was loved and could come home to the church), and he even made it to Colin’s bedroom, where Rich handcuffed the teen while he was sleeping and shoved a dirty sock into his mouth. Rich said that if Colin called out for his parents, Rich would tell them about all the porn magazines Colin had hidden under his bed. Rich told Colin that Briar was going to ask Colin to do something, and Colin could prove to Rich that he loved Briar by not getting birth control for her because she was better than those magazine girls. The family had lunch, where they discussed that they were all tired of eating at Tony’s restaurant. Rich took Dorothy and the other fish out of the tank telling Tony that he didn’t know how to take care of fish, and Rich brought them back to the church. Rich brought Bill and Maggie into his office and told the couple that according to the government, raising a child from birth to 18 cost about $160,140. Rich added that was about $24.24 a day or a dollar an hour, which would get them an endless supply of love from the moments they shared with God’s child. Rich explained in church that it was okay to follow a dream as long as you don’t abandon those that truly love you. God would be there for you no matter how far you stray, and God wanted you to come back home to Him. The movie ended with little five-year-olds April and Rich holding hands with her saying that Big Earl told her she would have to get a little rough with Rich, but they would eventually be married and be happy. The Dove Foundation gave this movie five Doves and said “A terrific movie!” Evan Carlson, Family Life Radio & Intentional Living said “A fun, clean film.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/10/23

TITLE: We’re No Angels

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1989 Paramount Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The movie began in the year 1935 USA at a State Penitentiary near the Canadian border. Men worked hard labor with pickaxes and hauled dirt in wheel barrels. The warden interrupted the daily routine by gathering the prisoners together to discuss the execution of inmate Bobby who was guilty of murder. Later on, Ned and Jim discussed in their bunks about the afterlife. Ned on the bottom told Jim on top to go talk to the Chaplain because he had better things to occupy his thoughts as he looked up to a naked female picture pinned under his buddies bunk. In the next scene Ned and Jim are chained together at the leg and taken by the police to a bench to witness the execution. Along the way, police were using their batons to fend off the criminals in their cells that grabbed at the officers as they walked by. When Ned and Jim tried to find out where they were going an officer knocked them forward roughly. The two men watched as Bobby’s head of hair was shaved off. The warden then confronted Ned and Jim for talking during his speech earlier. As punishment the warden called the two men swine and had the police hold Jim down so the warden could whip his bear back multiple times. That brought a smile to Bobby’s face and he enjoyed that sick and twisted kind of entertainment. With spit drizzling down his face, the warden was called away because they had Bobby prepared and so the warden left the officers to watch Jim and Ned so the warden could return later and give Ned his beating. As Bobby was brought into a room with half a dozen people, as the clergyman said a prayer, Bobby pulled out a gun and started firing in the dark when the lights flicked off. Bobby kicked the preacher in the stomach to get him out of the way. Bobby then shot an officer on the other side of the locked cell who held the key and his blood splattered all over the wall. Bobby threatened to do so to the other officer if the door wasn’t open. The officer opened the door then for Bobby. Bobby locked that officer on the other side with the others after he got out. Bobby then threw white doctor like coats at Jim and Ned and told them to run with him to freedom as they all made their escape. Jim and Ned dressed in their white medical staff coats and had Bobby covered on the table in a white sheet. When they asked a guard the way to a morgue the officer wanted a pass so Bobby jumped up and shot that police officer too as the prisoners cheered the trio on. After shooting at more police and causing additional officer injuries of those in the path of killer Bobby, the criminals continued on their way until they were able to kick through the side of the building and jump below into the snow. The police with their dogs followed after the escapees in the frigid temperatures with the warden calling the police fools for letting the prisoners escape. Bobby got separated from Ned and Jim. The next morning Jim and Ned started walking again after a rest still in shackled together by legs. The duo walked by a Hebrews 13:1 poster alongside a rode. They heard a vehicle coming and then saw the lady hit the small deer that stood in her path in the road and couldn’t stop because of the slippery ice. The older lady got out with her shotgun when she saw the two men so when the female asked who they were Jim recited Hebrews 13:1 that he just read off the poster and she thought they were priests. They said they were priests so the older woman handed the gun over to them and told them if they shot the deer dead out of its misery then she would give them a ride to the town Brandon. They did that but also took a second shot to severe the chain between their legs. Once in town, the two God Blessed the old woman and told her they would help her with the deer later to carry it to the butcher. Ned and Jim scoped out the scene and saw the guards at the USA and Canadian border crossing by Niagara Falls. Neither male could swim so that wasn’t an option. They stole clothes that were hanging outside and threw their prisoner shirt in the water. Jim stopped to stare at a mom and her children eating at a table and Ned stared at a female naked from the chest up washing herself. Under a bridge, the two then changed into more clothes they stole. As the two approached the border crossing on foot, a sheriff followed after them until the men went into the general store to get some cigarettes. Inside the store, the owner ranted about the many visiting priests and many tourists putting on a dumb show every year and how The Catholic Shrine Procession was a bunch of damn nonsense. A shoddy female townsperson, Molly, walked into the store and demanded food be put on her already maxed out credit and added she had a hungry kid at home to feed so the shopkeeper better obligue her which he did because she was frightening to say the least. Even to Ned when she barked at him and got in his face for starring. Carolyn Blair, the woman with the deer, barged into the store and told the owner the men were priests and he immediately stopped questioning where they came from and changed the subject about the missing convicts and instead apologized because he had been speaking so poorly about the Shrine. Jim told the shop owner to Go With GOD and left the store with Ned and Carolyn but not before the man said that he had the same coat (which was the coat Jim stole out of the vehicle out front). Carolyn complained that the groceries and supplies were too expensive in the USA and said because her truck was now broke down she couldn’t drive across the border to purchase them. Ned and Jim offered to walk with her and carry back the groceries for her and she thought that was a great Christian thing for the men to do. The local officers at the border crossing knew Carolyn personally and greeted her as such. As they drew closer to the border, Carolyn shouted to the Catholic clergyman returning from the Canada side that she found his lost priests. Father Levesque then identified Ned and Jim as Father Brown and Father Riley. The deputy than thanked the Lord and told the two he thought they were the lost convicts but then was happy to find out they were priests. The sheriff and deputy walked everyone across the bridge to the USA side and joked about how they would have shot Jim and Ned if they were the missing convicts. Father Levesque lead the imposter priests to the church while the sheriff sent one of his men to help Carolyn get her groceries in Canada. In the Church, Father Levesque showed Jim and Ned the Madonna statue. Father Levesque then showed the men some garments they could pick from to wear to replace their other clothing that they stole and blessed them both. Another member of the church asked Jim why he had a clothespin attached to the collar of his shirt and he replied it is a reminder that any one of us can be snatched at any moment. He also commented that Ned and Jim looked nothing like their photos in their book. At the Shrine lunch gathering the Bishop was a bit put off because it was his turn to say Grace but Father Brown was chosen to do it instead. Father Brown could not read the Bible in that language so instead he told everybody to be nice to strangers cause sometimes you’re a stranger too. The Bishop slammed his hand on the table and told everyone that was not a fitting grace and they were not Protestants. Later on, with a bunch of white robed men with hoods on singing (think KKK clan) Father Levesque told Jim and Ned that he hoped the men would participate later in the Shrine lectures and Jim happily said that he would like that whereas Ned wanted to already be gone by then. Then as Ned and Jim walked outside, Ned went to find a way to get the rest of the chain off his leg while Jim told one of the church people to go ahead and put his name in the church lottery. As Ned snuck into Bill the blacksmith’s shop and grabbed a pair of large pliers to cut the metal from his ankle, the sheriff came for visit. Ned overheard the conversation that the Sheriff had dogs coming in to search the premises any minute and added that if it were up to him he would shoot to kill. Bill chimed in and said that was what the Bible said, “They killed and they shall be killed.” That had Ned losing his balance and falling. When the Sheriff asked what made the noise Ned threw the cat from his direction and the sheriff dismissed it as being the prowling feline. Instead of trying to get the ankle chain off his leg at the blacksmith’s, Ned stole the cutters and brought it back to the church and used the device inside the confession booth after sneaking past Father Levesque. Just as Ned was about to snap the anklet free, the sheriff’s deputy came to confess that he was sleeping with another woman and he had a wife. Ned told the man since his wife didn’t know then he had nothing to worry about even though he broke his marriage vow. The man insisted on having help. Ned then told him to say 10 Hail Mary’s, make a good Act of Contrition, and if he sees the girl again then pop back in and it was no big deal. The chain snapped then off Ned’s ankle so he told the man God Bless you and exited the booth. Ned quickly hid the cutters and ankle brace underneath the church bench because the man followed him there and demanded more guidance. The deputy begged on his knees then to be helped by Ned because he could not control his urges with the other woman and wanted Ned to go with him to speak to the other woman. The deputy brought Ned to Molly and called her a whore in front of the so-called priest. Molly told the deputy she didn’t care that they sinned and to just live with it as her deaf and dumb young child (per the deputy) was alone outside. Molly then told the deputy that if he thought he was filthy and a swine for coming to have sex with her then he ought to stop coming there at all and threw him out. Molly told the Priest she had sex with the deputy for five dollars and that if the priest had five dollars than she would have sex with him too and she would sleep with anybody for five dollars because the priests pay was lousy for all the hard labor she did there. She then told Ned that if the priests were so holy then they should be able to cure her little girl out there otherwise leave her alone. Molly said she needs a man, a husband, her little girl needs help and she has nothing and asked Ned if he could help her with those things. So since he couldn’t help her, Molly threw Ned out. Ned stared at the little girl as he left the house sitting on the porch. In the street, a woman stopped Ned and gave him some money for the restoration of the Shrine and he thanked her and gave her his keychain and told her that money would be put to good use. However, he ran back to Molly’s to pay for sex with it. Molly was on her way out with the laundry though and didn’t want his five dollars and had enough of Ned’s bull crap for one day. Meanwhile the Sheriff and his dogs fished the criminal clothing out of the water nearby. Inside the church, Jim smoked in a room and used incense to hide the smell. A young priest about Jim’s age showed up at his door and told Jim it was an honor to meet him and nice to be able to speak during the Shrine because other times they have a vow of silence and then gave Jim his Rosary Cross. Jim put his lit cigarette that he had been hiding back in his mouth and thanked the man and signed his book as Father Brown. Ned arrived and whisked Jim off because the dogs were down below the church grounds with the Sheriff. They made it through the crowded church area and retrieved the pliers and both went inside the same confession booth. Ned cut the ankle brace free from Jimand told him that now they can dash across the river and it’s Free Street, baby, where he would have booze and broads and said that the USA can kiss his butt! Ned then instructed they hit the border by making a few signs of the cross and mumbling stuff out of the bibles they held. Jim was distracted and kept going on about when they get free of what important stuff he would do on the other side and Ned just wanted him to be silent and not give their convict selves away. The deputy came over and shook Ned’s hand and thanked him again for helping him. A ferry arrived with Police from the State Prison as Ned. They spotted the warden on board so they kept their heads down as though reading the Bible. After getting the approval to pass to the Canadian side, Ned and Jim saw the many rotweiler dogs headed toward them with the warden and company. The warden told his officer to spread the word that it would be $100 per head of the criminals that escaped and to shoot them dead on sight. Molly then came over and shouted at the priest Ned and wanted to know if he was going to cure her little girl as Molly towed her along as though the young girl were baggage that she never wanted to begin with. Ned told her to keep her voice down and not make a scene but she countered he was all hot for her the other day and now he had a conscience. Ned and Jim took off running the opposite direction because Molly would not let up and told them she was already damned to hell for eternity so what was a little rudeness going to get her two more weeks. This, as she is walking fast after the retreating fake priests with the little child trying to keep up. Then, Molly left the little girl alone with Ned and Jim by their wanted posters hanging on the walkway so she could go deliver her finished laundry. The deaf girl then recognized the faces of the two men beside her matched the posters behind her. Ned told Jim that the little girl was deaf because that is what everyone assumed, even Molly, so they openly discussed a plan of escape. The warden told the sheriff they would search house to house the whole town until the criminals were apprehended. Molly came back for Rosie. After stepping in mud, Jim left a footprint on the boardwalk with his penitentiary shoes so they threw their boots in the water. A clergyman from the Catholic Church questioned why Ned and Jim were barefoot and they explained it brought them closer to the earth so the other man went barefoot too. The two made it inside and asked the lady (Madonna) to gift them each a pair of shoes. A man came out of a room then carrying a bunch of shoes. They stole a pair of the shoes from church members and discussed how they had to believe that Bobby made it across to Canada because otherwise they didn’t have anything else to believe. Jim went to prayers and dinner while Ned walked the church. Ned ended up weeping to the weeping Madonna statue asking for help and begging not to be sent back to prison. Suddenly, tears fell from the eyes of Madonna on the hand of Ned. However, Father Levesque walked up then and told Ned it was a wonderful thing the lady Madonna weeping however, it was from a hole in the roof. He gave Ned a hug and told him it wasn’t easy being a priest all the time and not to worry because things would be all right. Ned said he asked Madonna for help getting from one place to another place and Father Levesque told Ned that she never let him down. As Father Levesque walked away he asked Ned if he would be walking with the Shrine Procession with them tomorrow. Ned replied he had other things to do. Father Levesque told Ned that it was a long walk into Canada because the older priest knew Ned and Jim were trying to get there and wanted to help. Father Levesque told Ned they were still carrying the Madonna statue there as planned to their Catholic sister church across the border into Canada. Obviously Ned then agreed to go. Ned went to the Bishop and wanted to get on the list to go to Canada but was told they no longer took names. So basically, Ned threatened the Bishop in a non-Christian way and the Bishop decided to allow them to join the Procession but not without an afflicted person (disabled person escorting across the border). Ned left quickly and found Molly’s young daughter to escort. Rosie was parentless in the midst of a crowd and couldn’t communicate where her mother was to Ned. He left in search of Molly then. He found the swear mouthed nasty Molly using God’s name in vain and she told him to hell and she didn’t want him putting crazy Biblical ideas into her child’s head. Molly told Ned the only way to convince her of changing her mind is to pay her money so he could take her daughter to Canada. Ned went back to the church to speak to Jim and he was preoccupied with a male clergy member and didn’t respond too much to Father Brown so Ned blurted out Jimmy to get his attention. Ned and Jim left then to join the Shrine outside and a clergy member explained in detail the rules of when to bring forth the afflicted child to Father Levesque. As people put money on the Shrine Procession float, Jim walked along and put the dollars in his pocket. Molly interrupted the two and asked for her money as she dragged little Rosie around with her. Ned escorted Molly and Rosie away from the other clergy man and yelled at her calling her a money grubbing bit@#. Molly said if he wanted her daughter, if he wanted her in the Procession and if he wanted sex with Molly then he would have to pay Molly. Molly told Ned that her daughter was deaf and couldn’t hear a word they said. Then gunshots were heard nearby. The crowd was abuzz about the officials shooting the convict because he stole money off the Shrine Procession and ran in the General Store and tried to steal a gun. Ned hid in the crowd as the Warden came out and told everyone that they got their convict and sent for a doctor. The police then said he needed a priest so Ned said he was that and went inside with the dogs barking at him as he walked up the stairs expecting to find Jim. The deputy grabbed hold of Ned and told him the convict shot him when he tried to stop the man from stealing. Ned brushed the wounded police officer off and walked toward his criminal friend.It turned out to be Bobby disguised as an old lady in a dress. Bobby didn’t want a priest near him and told him to leave but then recognized Ned and shouted for the priest to come back and asked the townsfolk if there wasn’t a Christian among them when his words went unheard and was taking away by the police. Ned went into Bobby’s cell and said some words while the people outside waited and whispered to Bobby there was nothing he could do to help with the sins he committed for shooting all those police officers. The warden came then and told Bobby he would live long enough to fry for the murders of law enforcement he committed and told the priest (Ned) to finish up because he would be back in five minutes to ask Bobby where the other two escapees were. Bobby then told Ned they would all be fried for the killing of the police and that he was going to lie and tell the warden that Ned shot the police and told Ned that would be his dying confession, otherwise, Ned needed to figure a way for Bobby to get across the border too. Ned was then let out of the cell and he told the officers he would be back because Bobby was dying and needed another priest to administer the last rights. Ned and Jim met back up and Ned explained the Bobby situation and Jim told Ned to let Bobby rot in jail. Jim also said he couldn’t get the $100 that Molly demanded for use of her child, Rosie. Silently in the crowd as the priests sang, Ned and Molly mouthed communication and she told him since he didn’t have her money she wasn’t going to let him have Rosie. Father Levsque then held the lottery. Father Brown’s (Jim) name was called.The group escorted Jim to the stage. As everyone waited for Father Brown to give a sermon, Ned stole the cell keys to free Bobby. Jim started reciting the words off the Colt gun advertisement he had inside the Bible he carried around and winged it basically telling everyone it was their own business whether they believed in God or not. Ned was able to break Bobby out of jail during Jim’s sermon. The attendees clapped at the end of Jim’s sermon, including Molly. Tearful Molly then caught up with Ned and told him she didn’t want his money and to just take the kid on the Procession and pray for her and left. They hid Bobby inside the Madonna float where Bobby held onto his gun while Ned and Jim walked with Molly’s little girl, but later sat Rosie on the side of the float. The Catholic Shrine Procession made it to the bridge crossing. As the Shrine reached the sign, “You are leaving the United States…Welcome to Canada,” a truck pulled on site from the Black Ridge State Penitentiary on the USA side. All heck broke loose then because they discovered that Bobby was gone. The warden grabbed the sheriff and angrily pulled him along beside to go hunt for the missing convict. As the Bishop gave his sermon he wiped his face on the robe of Madonna and noticed blood so then clergymen went down on their knees believing it to be a sign from God. Psycho Bobby then jumped up and shot off his gun multiple times and told everybody to be still. Molly ran through the crowd to get her daughter because Bobby now had Rosie at gunpoint. Ned pleaded for Bobby to let the child go but Bobby’s response was to shoot a hole in the Bible that Ned held in his hands. Bobby then started shooting at the officers. Jim jumped up on the float and fought Bobby, as young Rosie was able to get away from the madman Bobby. Bobby was about to shoot Jim on the bottom of the float but then the officers all shot at Bobby and put many bullets in him splattering blood everywhere which resulted in Bobby grabbing hold of the Madonna and pulling her down toward Rosie and knocking Rosie into the water. The Madonna statue fell in the water too. Ned then jumped into the water after Rosie even though he could not swim. Everyone watched as the two humans were swept over the Falls, with hollow Madonna trailing behind. Underneath the surface Ned held onto Madonna’s hand and Rosie in the other surfaced above water. Jim ran to help them out as they came closer to shore. Rosie started talking then as though a miracle occurred in the water and Molly thanked Ned for saving her daughter. Rosie told everyone that Ned was a convict. There were no police present yet so Ned asked the Bishop to keep his secret. The Bishop replied he could not. The Bishop went and told Father Levesque that Ned was a convict but the Catholic Father then twisted it around and asked Ned if it were true that he was a convert. Ned replied yes from the Lutheran religion. Father Levesque said, “God forgive you,” and made the cross symbol and that was that. Ned and Jim left church the next day to attempt to make the trip to Canada again. Molly then caught up with them and told Ned that she was so moved by what happened with her daughter that she was thinking about taking up holy orders. Jim didn’t want to leave his male companion at the church so he stared across the water at him on the bridge while Molly, carrying Rosie, spoke to Ned. Ned and Jim made eye contact and waved at one another goodbye because Jim stayed in the USA whereas Ned went on to Canada with Molly and Rosie. The movie cover art listed Roger Ebert, SISKEL & EBERT, “De Niro and Penn…Terrific together.”

 ONE OF TWO 

DATE REVIEWED: 6/8/23

TITLE: Mission: Impossible-Rogue Nation

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015  Paramount Pictures / Skydance Productions / 

A Tom Cruise-Bad Robot Production / China Movie Channel / Alibaba Pictures / Odin Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in Minsk, Belarus. Agent Benji Dunn in the field camouflaged on the ground radioed his IMF government boss, William Brandt, at his USA headquarters and confirmed that the drop had been made and it was on the plane. Benji told Brandt that the ground crew were on radio silence so he didn’t know where Ethan Hunt. Benji mumbled they were on plan B or C but he wasn’t quite sure what they were going to do. Luther Stickell was supposed to be on assignment in Malaysia, but Benji had contacted Luther for his help so Luther went to help Benji. Luther reported to Brandt that he was had been back in Malaysia for the past two days. As they discussed the package still being on the plane, Luther tried to cripple it remotely from his station in Malaysia and hoped that the pilot still left the satellite uplink switched on inside the plane. In order to complete the mission and stop the plane the IMF members had to hack into a Russian satellite. Brandt said he couldn’t authorize that, and Luther replied that was why he didn’t ask permission. Brandt responded they were already under investigation for misconduct. Luther was able to connect Benji to the satellite uplink as the plane started and went down the runway. Luther told Benji, using his handheld tablet, to shut down the fuel pump but Benji replied that the mechanicals were locked down. They tried the electrical system, but that didn’t work ether and the hydraulics was encrypted too. However, as they all freaked out because the package was still on the plane, Ethan appeared out of nowhere in his suit by the plane and asked Benji to open the door of the plane. Ethan ran and jumped on the wing of the plane from a hilltop as it went slowly by. The plane took off as Ethan held onto the unopen side door. Benji opened the ramp door that was the wrong door as Ethan was at the side door, and the pilot got an alert that one of the doors was open and sent one of the men in the cockpit to check it out. Benji opened the para door, and Ethan flew inside hard against the interior of the plane (which would have caused broken bones if not death altogether). Ethan was able to strap himself to the large “package” containers using a parachute because the ramp door was still still open. Ethan set the parachute off and he and the package went flying out the ramp door with the Russian man staring after Ethan and the lost package. Ethan later surfaced in London, England. Inside a London music store, Ethan answered all the right questions so the female spy gave Ethan a winner-winner record that held spy data. Ethan played the record and listened to a voice informing him that the weapons he recovered in Belarus were confirmed to be VX nerve gas capable to devastating a major city. The bodies of the aircrew were found less than 24 hours after they landed in Damascus, and they were identified as low-level Chechen separatists with neither the access nor the ability to acquire the weapons they were transporting. That supported Ethan’s suspicion that a shadow organization was committed to inciting revolution by enabling acts of terror in nations friendly to Western interests. IMF (Impossible Mission Force) suspected that to be the same shadow organization, Syndicate, that Ethan had been tracking for the last year. Normally, Ethan and his team would be tasked with infiltrating and disrupting that terrorist network, but “we,” had taken steps to ensure that wouldn’t happen, because “we,” are the Syndicate and know who Ethan is (and on the screen there were pictures of Ethan in past places confirming that the terrorists knew who he was) and his next mission, if he chose to accept it, was to face his fate. If he pursued the Syndicate terroist group he would be caught, and if he resisted them he would be killed and his precious Secretary would disavow any knowledge of his actions. The record starting self-destructing itself and gas poured out of the ventilation system, and Ethan jumped up and noticed the female being held at gunpoint by a man in black. Ethan could do nothing because he was locked inside the room with the gas, and man shot dead the female pointblank in the head. Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., CIA Director Alan Hunley told the chairman of the Committee that the IMF’s misadventures dated back to Hunley’s earliest days at the CIA when the IMF broke into the CIA to steal a list of covert operatives. Most recently, the IMF rendered safe a Russian nuclear warhead that clipped the Transamerica Pyramid before plunging into the San Francisco Bay. Hunley said that was made possible by the IMF who willingly provided the launch codes to a known terrorist. Hunley asked Brandt if that was correct, and Brandt replied that he could neither confirm nor deny any details of any such operation without the Secretary’s approval. Hunley went on to say that was the same week that the IMF infiltrated the Kremlin (the citadel located in Moscow) and ended up with a burning city. Hunley agreed with Brandt that he couldn’t say anything until the panel appointed a new Secretary (currently there was no Secretary), and Hunley added that they wanted to dissolve the IMF and transfer their salvageable assets to the CIA. The chairman interrupted Hunley and Brandt arguing about the situation and told Brandt that his unorthodox methods were just chance and his results were just luck. In the next scene, Ethan was tied up in a room with his shirt off, and a female undercover British spy prepared three syringes and three vials of unknown substance, took off her shoes, rolled up her sleeves and started walking towards Ethan. However, she was interrupted by a group of Swedish men, led by Janik Vinter (the Bone Doctor), who was officially declared dead three years before. Janik started punching Ethan to see how tough he was, and Ethan told the female to leave the room before things got ugly and Janik started using his deadly torture devices, such as a knife, on Ethan. However, the undercover British spy female, Ilsa Faust, picked up the handcuff key from the table and subtly showed Ethan the key, which distracted Janik and made him turn around and that gave Ethan the opportunity to kick him in the face and knock him out before he could use one of his deadly torture devices, a huge butcher knife, on Ethan. Ilsa tossed Ethan the key and he freed himself from his restraints. During that time Ilsa fought the men and then she and Ethan worked together to kill the terrorists. Ilsa took Ethan down a tunnel to safety and then locked herself on the other side saying she couldn’t leave with him otherwise it would blow her British spy cover and that her story to tell the others was she tried to stop Ethan from escaping but he got away (but Janik was alive and pretended to be unconscious). Ethan made it to a payphone and called Brandt on an encrypted phone line to tell him that the London terminal was compromised and that the man who killed the woman in the music store could have killed Ethan too, but he didn’t. Ethan explained that the Syndicate was real and knew who the IMF was and how they operated, and he told Brandt to focus operations on gathering any available Intel regarding former covert operatives. It didn’t matter what country or agency, just as long as they were dead or presumed dead and to start with Janik. Brandt replied that he couldn’t do that because the Committee shut IMF down and operations were handed over to the CIA. Ethan told his old boss, because there was no longer an IMF division, that he was going to find the man he was looking for without Brandt’s help and that him and Brandt never had that conversation, and as far as Brandt was concerned he had no idea whether Ethan was dead or alive in London. Right after that, CIA Director Hunley asked Brandt where Ethan was, and Brandt flat-out lied that he had no idea even though he had just been speaking to Ethan on a phone that the government paid for. Hunley said that nobody knew exactly what the Syndicate did or what the IMF agents did and as far as Hunley was concerned, Ethan was both arsonist and fireman and Hunley believed the Syndicate was created to justify the IMF’s existence and it was all in Ethan’s imagination. Hunley said he would hunt Ethan down and would hold him accountable for all the mayhem he caused and passed off as mission business, and then Hunley welcomed Brandt to the CIA. Hunley walked away saying Ethan Hunt was living his last day as a free man after Brandt told him they would never find Ethan. Six months later, Ethan was on the run in Havana, Cuba, with a lot of Benjamins and ammunition to keep him going.However, the CIA tracked Ethan there and sent military agents to bring him back to headquarters in Langley, Virginia. As they broke into Ethan’s living quarters, they noticed a cell phone left behind and nobody inside the room. Back in the CIA room, Brandt smiled in the background knowing his boy Ethan got the better of the CIA again because Ethan used the camera phone from another Cuban apartment to witness everything. In the room, the agents found maps, photos of people, and news clippings all over the wall, as well as sketches of the people that Ethan encountered in his most recent escape in London. Inside the CIA building, Benji played the Halos XBOX video game on his high-tech computer and listened to classical music on his headphones. He noticed in his mirror on his desk that the mail carrier agent was coming down the hallway, so he immediately shut everything down and put his work back on screen. Benji saw one piece of mail right away that had a no-return address and his first initial and last name in typed lettering, and he thought it was odd. Inside the letter were two free tickets to the Vienna Opera in Vienna with a note that said he won the tickets. Benji was then called into his weekly CIA polygraph, where he was asked questions about his previous IMF missions with Ethan. The female CIA agent had Benji hooked up to a lie detector test. Benji played around and said he was third in line to the throne to be the King of Norway until Hunley showed up and Benji changed his tune. Hunley asked Benji if Ethan contacted him, and then he showed Benji the evidence the CIA agents retrieved from the walls inside Ethan’s Cuba room. Benji wasn’t serious again and remained calm. HUnlye told him that all of those highly classified profiles in Ethan’s possession he had no problem getting the photos of people who were dead or missing government agents, such as Russian, French, British, Israeli. Hunley told Benji that Ethan was always one step ahead of them and Hunley couldn’t understand why and suspected that Benji was helping Ethan, with Brandt now in the room. Still hooked up to the lie detector, Benji calmly said that Ethan Hunt was out there in the field while Benji was stuck at a desk job, and that they were not friends. Benji seemed to have no trouble passing the lie detector test until he said he owed Ethan nothing, and the female nodded to Hunley that the results changed from 84 to 73 quickly, so Hunley dismissed Benji without further questioning because now they knew they could trace Ethan through Benji. Benji then decided to use his free tickets to go to the Vienna Opera in Vienna, Austria. As Benji got off the subway tram dressed in his tuxedo, somebody in a hoodie walked by and handed Benji a manila envelope and kept walking. Benji opened it to find spyglasses inside with a booklet for the opera. He put the glasses on, and Ethan’s voice came into his head immediately and Benji said he had already suffered enough with his weekly polygraph meetings. Ethan told Benji to keep walking so anybody following Benji wouldn’t notice he stopped and suddenly started talking to himself. Ethan confirmed that Benji did not win the opera tickets, and Ethan said for Benji’s sake they wouldn’t be seen together and then sent Benji on his phone a sketch of the man that Ethan was looking for. Ethan explained that man was their only link to the Syndicate and Ethan needed Benji’s help finding him in the large crowd at the opera that night. The plan was for them to find the man, tag him, and Ethan would follow him after that, and then Benji was going back to the USA and back to work Monday morning with nobody knowing anything that happened. The Chancellor of Austria arrived then, and Ethan and Benji had no idea that the European head of state would be attending the opera on the same night as a terrorist was going to be there too and that wasn’t coincidental. Benji had issues because about the treason operation they were on since the CIA hunted Ethan. One terrorist went through the police security check and his band instrument was briefly checked so he carried it through the security and they dismissed it as a non-threatening device when it was a weapon to target a high-profile individual such as the Chancellor. Once inside the building, Benji used a high-tech device to hack into the security room and switched the cameras, and then he attached another device to the opera booklet that Ethan gave him and words on the page were erased and it turned the book into a working computer. Benji stayed in the room and used the “computer,” to monitor the audience inside the theater. Meanwhile, a lone woman, British Isla, in a very high-legged evening gown strutted up the walkway and up the ladder in a back room. Ethan used his pass to walk around freely and make his way to the upper deck above the Chancellor. Benji got a hit on facial recognition and spotted the man roaming around backstage and told Ethan on their communication device where to find him. Ethan spotted Ilsa, but then lost sight of her because she made her way to a hidden area where she was directly across from the Chancellor where there was a clear shot for the assassination. Ilsa managed to put together a gun that was already there in pieces waiting for her. Ethan found the man who was also trying to assassinate the Chancellor. The man took apart his musical instrument weapon and uncovered the bullets that were hidden inside case too and then he converted it into a gun. Benji got upset because one his devices wasn’t working right, so he hit it which made the walkway Ethan was on rise in the air as he came upon the back of the assassin, so now he was faced with having to jump down from a higher level. Benji’s hissy fit also made the music louder. Ethan jumped down on top of the male assassin. As they fought over the weapon, Ethan noticed the man had an eyepiece that was actually a camera, and that live footage went back to the music store terrorist’s cell phone so he could see what was happening between the man and Ethan fighting. Ethan fell below onto another platform and then spotted the female using her leg up for support with gun in hand about to shoot the chancellor from her hidden location. Benji got mad again, so he punched the device which made the platform go back up to the assassin now holding a big knife waiting for Ethan to arrive. As Ethan and the assassin fought again, a man dressed as a police officer Richter (former KSA, German intelligence) was now assembling a killing device himself to shoot the Chancellor. Ethan was able to kick the assassin off the platform to fall many feet below, and in doing so he spotted the officer ready to shoot from his location. Ethan picked up Mossad assassin’s gun and found a bullet, and he was going to use it to shoot and kill the police officer assassin but then he spotted the Ilsa and knew he only had one bullet. Ethan decided to use the single shot shoot the Chancellor in the shoulder, which caused him to fall and thus the three assassins didn’t kill the high ranking official. The police officer in disguise and Ilsa shot at Ethan because they were not happy that they didn’t get their target. Benji arrived and attacked the imposter police officer, and British deep undercover agent assassin Ilsa shot the officer in the back and he went down. Benji dropped to his knees and quickly used the lighting in the room to put the spotlight on the British Ilsa. She quickly shot the light out with her gun and Benji made a run for it (all of this as the opera was still going on and nobody knew what was happening because it was so loud in there). However, real police came on scene then inside the building, and the Ilsa was able to get away because Ethan came to help her since she helped him in London. They ran on the rooftop along the building edge, and she caught and rescued Ethan again but this time from almost sliding off the roof. They took their chances and used a rope to lower themselves to the ground. They landed on the ground just as the Chancellor left in his vehicle and then it exploded in flames because somebody put a bomb in it. Benji picked Ethan and the female up in his car and they sped away as the police were all over the place in the area driving frantically on scene as the trio drove off in the opposite direction. Benji was mad that Ethan rescued the female because she tried to shoot Benji, and Ethan told Benji that didn’t make her a bad person. Ethan then told Ilsa that he had to search her, and he called her out on being British intelligence and she introduced herself as Ilsa Faust. She told Ethan that she was in a tight spot when she helped rescue him in London, so in order to keep her cover she was sent to kill the Chancellor in Austria. Ethan figured out that there was one man there to kill the Chancellor and one man to kill Ilsa if she failed the test, and the car bomb was insurance. As Ethan tried to get the name of the man he was hunting out of Ilsa, a car came upon them and started firing bullets. Benji drove and told Ethan to throw out Ilsa. She told Ethan he had everything he needed to find her, and then she jumped out of the car. Back at the CIA headquarters, Hunley had his own hissy fit because he knew that it was no coincidence that Benji was in Austria at the same time the Chancellor was shot. Hunley told Brandt that it was no longer a pet project to find Ethan but now top priority, and the Special Activities Division would now have full discretion and it was shoot to kill and whether Ethan lived or died was Ethan’s choice, per Hunley. At the docks, Ethan and Benji got onto a boat in the harbor, where Ethan used his magic touch to open a door that led to a secret room full of spy equipment. Inside, Ethan gave Benji a new identity, passport, cash, and a change of clothes so he could make it back to D.C. undetected. Ethan instructed Benji to lie to the CIA that Ethan tried to recruit Benji to shoot the Chancellor and Benji refused, and Ethan added that Benji’s life depended on the CIA believing Benji. Ethan turned on a computer and a bunch of faces popped up, and he asked Benji if he recognized any of them. He recognized two of them as being at the opera, and they were in the system as being presumed dead yet they live because both Benji saw them in person that night. However, Ethan made Kagan’s death official by throwing him off the platform inside the Opera house. Ethan then showed Benji the picture of the man Ethan hunted, the one he had already sent Benji on his cell phone earlier that day. Ethan found him in the Bosphorus Istanbul the same day a car accident killed the visiting President of Malawi. The man slipped away again to Jakarta, hours before a passenger plane vanished over the Pacific with 236 passengers. Ethan added that he had just missed the man in the Phillipines right before a fire at a petrochemical plant that gassed a village of 2,000 people. Ethan went on to explain that the accidents were connected and that the missing plane was carrying the Secretary of the World Bank, the fire bankrupted a global arms corporation; the car wreck triggered a civil war. Ethan said those were no accidents and they were links in a chain created by the single organization, the Syndicate. He called it a rogue nation, trained to do what they do imbued with a new sense of purpose, which was to destroy the system that created them regardless of who was in their way. Benji said they were an anti-IMF, and Ethan said because the IMF was shut down the terrorists had been escalating the situation and sending a message that their reign of terror had only just begun and they started a new phase and now nobody attempted to stop them like the IMF did. The mystery man was at every incident so it wasn’t random or coincidental, and Ethan wanted to know WHO he was, WHERE he came from, and WHO was funding him. Ethan told Benji he needed to leave because Ethan couldn’t protect Benji, but British accented Benji argued that he and Ethan were friends and Ethan called him because he needed his help and Benji was going to stay and keep helping and that was that. Ethan agreed and said they would start with Ilsa, who said they had everything they needed to find her. Ethan gave Benji Ilsa’s lipstick container that Ethan found when he was searching her. Benji noticed that it had a hidden USB drive. Meanwhile, Ilsa was brought to a hotel room where the mystery man and Janik were, and Ilsa told the lead terrorist (after she got the better of one of the men guarding her by grabbing the gun away from her captor and handing it over to the mystery man) to either trust her or kill her, and if he was going to kill her then at least be a man and kill her himself. He took the gun and shot the man who was supposed to be holding onto her and let Ilsa go. Ilsa told the mystery man that Ethan knew about the power plant in Morocco but not what was inside, and the boss mystery man told Ilsa to find Ethan but the British spy replied she had already given rogue USA Ethan the information to find her and had set that up already to gain back the terrorist group’s trust. Benji plugged the lipstick USB into a computer and discovered that if was an offline skiff (a secure computer facility located in Morocco that was basically a digital safety deposit box) that was ultra-contained and it was impossible to hack into it from the outside. Ethan and Benji then headed to Casablanca, Morocco, where they found a note with a lipstick mark on it and knew it was from Ilsa, so they went through the gate and found her swimming in the pool. Meanwhile, Brandt went rogue and had Luther come in from the field to meet with Brandt about Ethan and Benji’s disappearance after the Chancellor’s assassination. Brandt explained that Hunley handed everything over to the Special Activities Division and they needed to find Ethan before he got himself killed by the CIA. Luther retired and didn’t want to join the CIA and didn’t know Brandt very well and didn’t know about trusting him until Brandt explained that the CIA was out of control and they were going to hunt down and kill Ethan and Benji. Before Luther accepted the paperwork from Brandt, he told his former boss that Ethan was his friend and Luther wouldn’t hesitate to kill Brandt if he was double-crossing them all. Ilsa told Ethan and Benji that the mystery man’s name was Solomon Lane and he created the Syndicate. The terrorist leader, Lane, was former British intelligence, and they wouldn’t tell the CIA about the Syndicate because British Intelligence didn’t want the CIA to know that the British madman was creating all the world disasters. Ilsa went on to say that she had been undercover for two years working for the Brits to find out track Lane and identify all of his terrorist associates, and now she was fairly close to identifying his operatives. One of Lane’s Syndicate agents stole a program containing all that information and hid it in a secure computer facility for safekeeping, for the purpose of blackmailing Lane. However, that agent was caught and died during the interrogation for the access passcode, which left Lane with a serious problem. Ilsa then confided that Lane sent her to steal the program back, but it was an impossible feat to do on her own, and Ethan smiled at that. Ilsa then explained that the facility was hidden beneath a local power plant under military guard, and the only way to download that ledger was through the central computer terminal located inside that area. In order to get to the terminal, they had to go through military guards, fingerprint recognition, and three separate combination locks. Benji was excited because he would get to wear a high-tech mask made from 3-D printing to impersonate the agent assigned to protect the ledger. Ilsa said that was fine and well if he could make it past all those security measures, there was was also a camera gait recognition to match the way a person walked that made certain it wasn’t an imposter but the actual agent. If the camera detected an imposter, it started zapping the individual. Benji went off and said there was no way to crack the safe, and if he tried he would end up in a Moroccan jail playing mummies and daddies with Ahmad the Strangler. They determined the only way in was through the profile, not by mask, air duct, or electrical system. They discovered the profile was temperature-controlled by cooling offsite. Ethan plotted to get the ledger, one of them needed to enter the torus and switch the security profile out so Benji could access the computer without being caught. They discussed entering the torus through a pressurized door that opened from the inside and how no metal objects such as oxygen tanks were allowed inside. They tried to rely on Ethan to hold his breath for at least three minutes, and Benji said it wasn’t a big deal because it was the only way he would then be able to hack into the computer system. Back at the CIA’s control room, Luther told Brandt that he wasn’t even looking for Ethan and Benji’s profile in the system, but Ilsa’s because that was how Luther was going to find the two missing men. They determined that from Ethan’s sketches that he trusted the woman but not the man he was looking for because she had a friendlier smile when he drew her from memory. Luther assured Brandt that he could pull facial recognition from a sketch, whereas mere mortals could not. Hunley was in the room below, and Brandt gave him a little nod that they were onto something and then Luther almost instantly found Ilsa. Luther found out CCTV picked up Ilsa’s face at the airport in Casablanca, but Luther added that Ilsa was a bad news British spy. At the powerplant, Ethan and Ilsa parachuted onto the roof as Benji arrived at the gate and used a jamming device to interfere with the computers and electronics where his verification couldn’t be checked. Ethan and Ilsa used another device to shatter one of the glass panels and enter the building that way. After Ethan radioed that he and Ilsa were inside the building, Benji turned the jamming device off and the gate opened instantly so he drove through with his car. Ethan and Ilsa went over the time frame that Ethan had in order to pull off their heist and switch out the profile. Benji got through the fingerprint recognition and said that he was in the elevator, and then he told Ethan the profile was in slot 108, and Ilsa told Ethan that once he was inside the torus, she would shut it down. Benji reminded Ethan that Benji would be dead if Ethan didn’t switch the profile in time. Ethan and Benji both synchronized their watches to the same time, and then Ethan jumped straight down into the water black hole from the rafters directly above. Benji went through one combination door and went onto the next as Ilsa shut off the water. However, an alarm in the control room went off, and it was determined that the cooling system was rebooting by itself. Ethan made it to slot 108, but a robotic arm came out of nowhere and bumped into him, scattering the two profile cards below with 54 seconds left. The control room was able to turn on the cooling system again to full power, and water started flooding the torus and Ilsa was unable to override it. Ethan retrieved both profiles and worked his way back to 108. Benji was now at the do-or-die gait analysis and was unaware that Ethan had a hiccup in his mission. Ethan gambled on which card to put in and quickly placed one card as Benji walked the electrical camera plank and was authorised. Ethan made it to the hatch and almost got hit again by the robot arm but ran out of oxygen and floated off and he couldn’t get the door open in time. Benji was able to obtain 100% of the encrypted data transfer. Ilsa, in her underwear jumped into the black hole to rescue Ethan and was able to catch his floating body inside the torus and open the gate from the inside and get them to safety. Benji made it back to the car as Ilsa used a defibrillator to get Ethan breathing again. Benji took Jesus’ name in vain when he arrived at their rendezvous point and saw Ethan barely alive. Benji handed Ilsa a change of clothes and told her that he misjudged her when Benji saw that she saved Ethan’s life. Ilsa walked away and took her wet shirt off and was still in her butt-showing bikini underwear, as Benji waved the stolen USB data file at Ethan showing him that they did it. The shady Brit female then zapped Benji from behind with the defibrillator who then ran off leaving the two dazed men in the tunnel. Meanwhile, Brandt and Luther made it to Casablanca and searched cameras around the city to find Ilsa. As she made her way outside to a car, two thugs from Lane’s payroll surrounded her, and she lied and told them that Ethan was dead. In her “s,” Syndicate symbol motorcycle attire, Ilsa did a 360 and flipped the other bikes over before she sped away. Ethan and Benji were able to make it to the car, and Benji was concerned because Ethan was just dead a minute ago and didn’t want Ethan driving because he fell over the hood of the car and Benji was afraid of how he was going to drive on the road. They chased Ilsa on her motorcycle down the stairs swearing and using God’s name in vain, and the rest of the motorcycle gang followed behind down the stairs. As they came around the corner, Ethan smashed into a car, which made him notice that Brandt and Luther were in the car beside them. Brandt turned around and he and Luther argued about Luther insisting on having the huge safari vehicle when they were now in a high-speed chase and it was not ideal for the situation. When a motorcyclist got in front of Ethan’s car and started shooting at Ilsa, Ethan sped up and hit the driver and he went over the hood into the street behind them. The other motorcycle gangsters then opened fire on Ethan in front of them, so Ethan separated from chasing Ilsa and took a sideroad where some of the motorcyclists went after Ethan and the others went after Ilsa. Ethan slammed on the brakes and the car spun, causing the motorcyclists around them flying into buildings in the narrow passageway as Ethan used a truck to get rid of some more. However, Ethan and Benji were now driving backwards while one solo gang member shot at the front windshield. They went straight down the alley backwards and then flipped end-over-end into a parking lot, flipping multiple times. The motorcyclist made it to them and walked to the upside-down car with his gun in hand, and Ethan tried to dislodge himself from the seatbelt while Benji was unconscious. Brandt then literally ran down the gunman with his large vehicle. They spotted Ilsa drive by with two other motorcycles chasing after her, so Ethan took the now vacant motorcycle and went after them after he was helped out of the very damaged rental car. Ethan, with no helmet drove dangerously after the Syndicate gang on bikes down the highway weaving between cars. As one tried to shoot Ethan, the motorcyclist slammed into the back of a vehicle because they were going so fast and it was a crowded highway. Ethan made it alongside the last member and knocked him off his bike going way past the speed limit on a very curvy and dangerous part of the road, and the bike exploded and went over the embankment. Ethan sped to catch up to Ilsa, but as he rounded a corner Isla on foot blocked his way by standing in the middle of the road, which made Ethan flip his bike and land in the dirt at a very high speed. Ilsa then drove off after she saw that she had no more worries with Ethan for the time being. Eventually, the USA boys caught up with Ethan sitting at a lone table in a building. Ethan asked Benji if he made a copy of the disk, and he replied of course he did and showed it to everyone. In the next scene, Ilsa walked on the streets of London in her black trenchcoat and sat on a bench across from Big Ben and handed the USB drive data to a man. She explained to him that the ledger had the Syndicate’s entire infrastructure, who they were, the politicians they controlled, and where the money came from so it was everything the man wanted to know. The man, Atlee, was Ilsa’s handler in British intelligence, tried to tell Ilsa about Lane’s character and he wasn’t certain that the information on the ledger was accurate because Lane was all about misinformation and manipulation since that was what he was trained to do. Terrorist Lane was compromising people along the way, such as Ilsa, and that was his objective. Atlee told Ilsa she was the only person he trusted to verify the accuracy of the information on the ledger. He explained that was a test for Ilsa to infiltrate the Syndicate system, and the only way to pass was for her to go back and see how accurate the data was. Ilsa told him she had betrayed Lane’s trust too many times and didn’t want to go back, and then he told Ilsa that she should have let Lane torture and kill the American agent, which would have helped Ilsa gain Lane’s trust to begin with. Ilsa argued Hunt was their alley, and Atlee replied that there were no allies in statecraft, just common interests. He went on to say that Ethan was a man without a country, which made killing him less complicated.  Atlee added that he wasn’t going to order Ilsa to kill Ethan, but Lane would and Ilsa would have to do it to regain Lane’s trust. Atlee went on to say that Ilsa was also without a country, and she got up to leave but stopped when he said the Director of the CIA (Hunley) called him inquiring about Ilsa personally and the man lied to protect Ilsa’s cover, so as far as the Americans were concerned she was a rogue assassin and it would be unfortunate if anyone figured out her true identity, basically telling her she would be dead if she didn’t go back because revealing her true identity would get her killed, but going back could very well get her killed too. That settled it and Ilsa walked away with the USB ledger in hand. Meanwhile, Luther tried to open the spare file, but he said he could never open it because it was a red box and the British government used those to transport state secrets. Benji added that it was triple-encrypted and it could only with opened with fingerprints, a retinal scan, and a voice phrase spoken by a specific individual. Ethan realized that individual was the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Brandt sarcastically said he was so proud of them because it turned out there was no ledger and no proof that the Syndicate existed, meaning they were back to square one only now with the CIA hunting them down. Brandt wanted to immediately warn the British government that Lane was going after the Prime Minister, but Ethan argued that was exactly what Lane wanted them to do and they needed to do the opposite of what he expected by finding Lane before he could take the Prime Minister hostage. Brandt agreed. Ilsa met with Syndicate members in a cemetery and handed the ledger over to them, and Lane told Ilsa that he killed for his government to keep things the way they were, and now he was killing on his own to bring about change. Janik then announced that the Ilsa’s ledger was empty. Ilsa then met up with Ethan at the airport where the rest of the rogue IMF team was positioned around Ilsa so she couldn’t get away. Ilsa told Ethan that the disk was empty, and when Benji said that it wasn’t, Ethan asked if the ledger was in Ilsa’s possession the entire time. It was then revealed that Ilsa put the ledger on top of a newspaper on the bench, and Atlee’s cell phone was underneath the newspaper deleting the files from the USB device as they spoke. The team had questions as to why Ilsa was able to walk around alive and they wanted to know who she worked for. Her reply to Ethan was she worked for Lane, Atlee, British government, USA government, all of which she said were the same. The three choices were if they gave the USB over to the CIA, the four would be tried for treason and Lane would walk free. The next choice was they could let Ilsa walk away to an unknown fate and they use the disk as bait to trap Lane, and in that scenario, Ethan would probably end up giving the disk to Lane whether he wanted to or not. The third choice was for Ethan to go away with Ilsa on the spot and to forget about Lane. She continued to encourage the USA spy with her British garbage, hoping to convince him to run away for their not so real love. Ethan figured out that Lane sent Ilsa to him with a message, and she tried to bring up the fact that she saved Ethan’s life twice, but at the same time the Brit also left him for dead more than once after she got what she wanted. As they were all distracted listening to the crap coming out of Ilsa’s mouth, they didn’t notice Benji got kidnapped in the airport. Ilsa slid her phone across the table to Ethan, and he saw Benji on screen being tied up and shoved into the back of a car by Janik. Janik winked at Ethan because he was having fun playing his crazy terrorist games.  

TWO OF TWO  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/8/23

TITLE: Mission: Impossible-Rogue Nation

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015  Paramount Pictures / Skydance Productions / 

A Tom Cruise-Bad Robot Production / China Movie Channel / Alibaba Pictures / Odin Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

 Ethan and Brandt ran to the parking garage. Luther was supposed to watch Ilsa, but he was too slow in the crowd and she vanished before he could reach her. Janik’s car with Benji inside sped away out of the parking garage, and Luther told his comrades that he lost Ilsa. They argued about Ilsa because Ethan was so blinded by his love for her that he couldn’t see that she set them up, and then Ethan received a call from Lane. Lane told Ethan he had a job for Ethan and for the sake of Benji, Ethan would do it. Ethan immediately agreed to do whatever it was, and Lane explained that Ethan’s mission was to bring Lane the unlocked disk by midnight. Ethan announced that now they had to take the Prime Minister to get Benji back, beat Lane and make everything right. Hunley flew on a government plane when he received an urgent call from Brandt asking for Hunley’s help. They spoke and Hunley had his plane rerouted to London, and Brandt said that if he was going to betray his friends, it was going to be on his term and his terms only. Their deal was for Brandt to help capture Ethan alive. Benji was tied to a chair in a building, and Lane stared evilly into Benji’s eyes and then told his goons to get Benji ready for torture. Brandt and Hunley arrived at the grand auction that night before Ethan, and Hunley told Chief Atlee that the Prime Minister’s life was in danger. Hunley and Atlee then interrupted the Prime Minister during the auction and brought him into a private room to discuss. Atlee, knowing that he himself was the bad guy, lied to the Prime Minister and threw Ethan under the bus saying that he was a rogue intent on destroying “imaginary,” terrorists. Hunley chimed in and added that Ilsa, one of the Prime Minister’s former agents, had manipulated Ethan. Brandt said that Ethan had a virtual red box and needed the Prime Minister to open it and get the key to the Syndicate, and the Prime Minister questioned if they were talking about the same Syndicate that Atlee told the official was just an exercise. The Prime Minister confirmed that he knew Lane, and he explained that the Syndicate was the brainchild of Atlee, and the idea was to recruit former agents from other nations, give them new identities, and use them to remove their enemies, both at home and abroad. The Syndicate’s operating budget was hidden offshore in a virtual red box that the Prime Minister alone controlled and which would have made him judge, jury, and executioner with no accountability. The Prime Minister rejected the idea and was assured that it never made it past the planning stage, and Atlee insisted that there was no Syndicate and that Ilsa duped Hunley and Brandt. The Prime Minister interrupted and told Atlee to save it for the public inquiry, and the Prime Minister got up to leave but Hunley blocked his path and warned him that Ethan knew about their conversation and was ready to strike because he made the Prime Minister his target. The weasel Atlee then called to the Prime Minister and shot him with a dart when he turned around. However, it wasn’t even the real Atlee, but in fact a fake named Ethan who was in masked disguise, and he took off his mask to reveal that little truth. Ethan held his gun on Hunley, who told Ethan that he set back US-UK relations to the American Revolution. The real Atlee showed up outside the auction and made his way inside as Brandt did a retinal scan and took fingerprints, on the Prime Minister and sent it to Luther. The last thing was to obtain the voice of the Prime Minister, which they did because he was incoherent from the dart wound. After all three things were received; the file opened revealing many banks and corporations involved in millions of dollars (US and pounds) flowing through the corrupt Syndicate. Atlee demanded the guards to let into the room, and as they opened the door and walked in to see the Prime Minister fairly conscious, Ethan and Brandt shot them in the back with their dart guns. Ethan then shot the real Atlee in the shoulder with a dart. Under the influence, Atlee admitted the truth that he created the Syndicate and Lane went rogue and Atlee had been spending all that time trying to cover up that mistake and was the one who deleted the files. Atlee also confirmed that he framed Ilsa Faust. To concoct a story that sounded truthful because the Prime Minister was coming around, they told everyone in the room that Hunley saved the Prime Minister after Atlee attacked him and was the hero of the day. Ethan left the building and called Lane on his cell phone telling Lane that Ethan had the data Lane was looking for, and they agreed upon a meeting place to exchange Benji for the disk. When Ethan arrived first to pick up the data from Luther, Luther told Ethan not to give the account over to Lane because all that money in Lane’s possession would be a super terrorist group and their job was to take down the Syndicate. There was a recording on the file of Atlee telling the Prime Minister it was good news, because he had chosen to activate the Syndicate and that would give him access to 2.4 billion pounds sterling in untraceable currency that would allow the Syndicate to operate undetected for decades. After studying the data for a few minutes, Ethan took the USB and drilled a hole in it. At the meeting point, the first thing Ethan noticed was Ilsa and then he looked around and spotted her gang members in the public square at night. When he walked up to Benji, there was an eyepiece camera in his eye and a bomb strapped to his chest, and he was sitting on a highly sensitive pressure trigger, so any sudden moves would detonate it. Ilsa subtly showed her gun to Ethan underneath the table, and she said that when Lane got what he wanted she was supposed to kill Ethan and Benji as her final test, otherwise everybody would die ). Benji repeated the words from Lane in his earpiece to Ethan after he sat down at the table to join the party, he explained that they met in the record shop and that was when lane knew that Ethan would stop at nothing to destroy Lane and Lane used Ilsa as a pawn in his sicko game to get what he wanted. Ethan told Lane that he was an ungodly soul and used the system as an excuse for his killings, when really he became that monster man of his own choice. Ethan said he knew how Lane thought and Lane would not stop until he had the disk, so Ethan would use that to put Lane in a box by Ethan wanting to play his own game. Ethan wrote down an account name and held it up so Lane could see through Benji’s eyepiece and offered Lane $50 million to let Benji go. Lane put the name and the code in his system and transferred the money into one of his accounts, and afterwards again demanded to know where the disk was because he wasn’t going to give up just for a lousy $50 million when he could have billions. Ethan then explained that he destroyed the disk, and that all the accounts and codes were in his memory, and if Lane destroyed Ethan or Benji, Lane wouldn’t get any more money. At 0.19 seconds on the clock, Lane stopped the bomb from going off and told his goons to take Ethan. Ethan told Ilsa that if the men in black came one step closer then she needed to shoot Ethan, so Lane called off the gang members. Ethan got the upper hand and told Lane that if he wanted his money, then he was to let Benji go, otherwise the Bone Doctor (Janik) would have to beat the codes out of Ethan (pretty sure the CIA would be smart enough to make another copy of that unlocked file before handing it over to Ethan). Lane then gave the numerical code to Benji to type into the vest he was wearing to deactivate the bomb. Benji immediately took off earpiece, eyepiece and the bomb, and Ethan gave Benji his cell phone telling him to go find Luther and Brandt. Lane gave instructions to his male goons to get Ilsa because he needed Ethan alive. A gunfight broke out in the midst of the panicking crowd, and then Ethan and Ilsa ran through the streets with Lane’s men chasing them down. Ethan and Ilsa killed those people for the most part and kept on running and killed more people. They got separated because they ran out of bullets. Ethan fought his assailant and smashed through glass windows while madman Janik chased after Ilsa up the stairs. Ilsa hid inside a building behind the pillars, and then she used a knife to stab him in the left arm and he dropped his gun in the process. However, he unsheathed his huge pirate blade that was much deadlier than the puny knife Ilsa carried, and that led to a knife fight as Ethan limp-ran to rescue Ilsa. Lane showed up late for the party and followed Ethan. After a few slices, it was evident that Ilsa was not doing very well against the more powerful male opponent. However, she was able to use her martial arts to get on Janik’s shoulders and stab him in the head while using her legs to squeeze his last breath out of him. Lane shot at Ethan, and Ethan dove through another glass window and escaped down a manhole. Lane jumped down below because he saw that Ethan wasn’t moving very fast to get up. It was a trap though, because Lane was then surrounded by bulletproof glass and his bullets did nothing to harm the IMF rogue crewmembers that appeared around the cage. Ethan introduced Solomon Lane to everyone at the IMF, including Ilsa who made it back. They turned on the gas inside the glass box just as Lane had done to Ethan in the record shop. As the gas rose around him, Lane pointed his gun at Ethan’s head and shot multiple times to no avail. They then loaded up the glass box into the back of a police truck and carted Lane off to destination unknown. Ethan told Ilsa she was now free, and she said she didn’t know where she would go but she did her part to bring down the terrorist operation. Ethan and Ilsa hugged goodbye, and the IMF left in their police truck. Ilsa drove away in her car and told Ethan that he knew how to find her. CIA director Hunley appeared in front of the Committee and gave a speech that he wanted to reinstate the IMF because six months before, their cover had to be absolute, and therefore Hunley lied to the Committee at that time in order to take down the Syndicate. Brandt made his usual statement that he couldn’t confirm or deny the details of the operation without the Secretary’s approval (still no Secretary). But, as the two walked out of the hearing, Brandt welcomed Hunley to the IMF and called him the newly appointed “Mr. Secretary.”On a 150 million budget, this film grossed over 682 million at the box office. The movie coverart had Scott Mantz with Access Hollywood, “The Best Mission Yet,” and Scott Mendelson with Forbes, “Better Than Bourne, Better Than Bond.” 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 6/5/23

TITLE: Austin Powers in Goldmember 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2002 New Line Cinema/Gratitude International/Team Todd Production/Moving Pictures Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began somewhere in Utah with British spy Austin Powers skydiving out of a plane with his British flag helmet and parachute and dropping into his Shaguar license-plate car with the British flag on it. He got between a female motorcyclist and an oncoming helicopter, and when the helicopter came right at him Austin used the eject button on his car which sent him flying out of his seat. In a slow-motion scene that obviously wasn’t real, Austin did a flip over the helicopter’s deadly blades and shot at the helicopter until it went up in flames so he could save the female. Tom Cruise made this cameo appearance as Austin Powers (instead of Mike Myers), and Gwyneth Paltrow played Dixie Normous for the on-screen production. Dixie told Austin that she might be a small-town FBI agent/single mother, but she was still tough and sexy. Austin asked Dixie if they should shag now or shag later, and she replied “Oh, Austin, behave,” and then they kissed. Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil appeared holding a hairless cat and told Austin and Dixie he was one doctor who did make house calls. Danny DeVito was Dr. Evil’s clone half his size, Mini Me, who was smoking a cigar and held up the middle finger right before he started wildly firing a machine gun. The scene was cut from the movie Austinpussy, and the director, Steven Spielberg as himself, turned around in his chair and discussed the movie with the actual British spy Austin (Myers), who replied it was shagadelic that Spielberg was making a movie about Austin’s life.Austin, in his pink-purple-blue gay pinstriped suit, then started dancing in the street, and during the performance, Austin put on a little girl’s toy tiara and pink tutu and did fruity ballet with several people around him dressed in shiny raincoats. They went to a nearby studio and came upon Britney Spears (as herself) singing in her scantily clad black outfit riding two men onstage as though they were animals while two other half-naked men held onto her arms. As Austin danced with Britney, part of the stage drama was Britany shooting bullets out of her bra. Austin caught one of the bullets in his teeth and spit it out, and then Britney’s head blew up and Austin quoted her from her song “Oops, I did it again, baby!” Austin did handstands out the door and down the red carpet as a crowd of eccentrically dressed wannabes followed waving USA and British flags in the background with male symbol balloons popping in pink, blue and yellow colors possibly indicating something other than male. At Dr. Evil’s Hollywood Lair in the famous Hollywood sign, he was told by an employee that while Dr. Evil and Mini Me (who Dr. Evil was currently carrying around in a baby harness) were in space, the employee created a way for ICM (International Creative Management) to make huge sums of legitimate money and still maintain the ethics of the business practices of an evil organization.He explained that he turned the ICM into the Hollywood Talent Agency, and by charging A-list clients 9% instead of the tradition 10%...they had been able to sign such stars as George Clooney, Julia Roberts and Leo DiCaprio. He said the best part of the whole scheme was they all got their own assistants, who were called by numbers (number two, number three). Dr. Evil said that was impressive, but he had his own perfect plan. He mentioned a Dutch metallurgical hedonist in the seventies named Johann Van Der Smut, who loved gold so much he lost his male genitalia in a smelding accident and that gave him the name Goldmember. He invented a cold fusion power unit for a tractor beam powerful enough to pull a meteor to earth, such as the meteor Midas 22 made of solid gold. The ICM had already attempted to make a tractor beam, and after several failures they finally had a working tractor beam which they would call Preparation H. Dr. Evil held his little finger up to his lips in his trademark gesture, and his son, Scotty, replied that he should call it Operation A** Cream and added that Scotty wanted some chocolate a** cream. He said that he agreed Preparation H did feel good on the hole. Dr. Evil then announced that he would use his time machine to travel back to 1975, where he would pick up Goldmember and bring him to the future and the best part of the plan was nobody, not even Austin Powers, could stop Dr. Evil. Austin and a bunch of soldiers appeared at that exact moment and held Dr. Evil at gunpoint, and then Dr. Evil and Mini Me were shown in the World Organization Court (questionable WHO nowadays) where Justice Obudu Nigeria sentenced Dr. Evil to 400 years of imprisonment. She asked him if he had anything to say, and he replied that Mini Me had something to say. Mini Me unzipped his pants, pulled them down, and turned around to show all the court members his bare butt. It was later reported on the news what happened at the World Court, and also that Austin Powers, son of England’s most famous spy, Nigel Powers, would be knighted by the queen at Buckingham Palace for his efforts in apprehending Dr. Evil. At the knighting, the queen told Austin that his dad must be very proud of him, and when Austin called for his dad to stand up and take a bow, it was discovered that Nigel was absent from his seat and everybody laughed. At a party that night, Austin sang onstage a song about how daddy wasn’t there to take him to the fair and change his underwear, so it seemed daddy didn’t care. Afterwards, one of Austin’s female fans wanted his autograph, and when she told Austin her name was Fook Mi, he told her to behave because he thought she was telling him to do that to her and didn’t understand that was actually her name until she turned around and showed him her backpack which had her name and a picture of Austin on it. Fook Mi then introduced Austin to her twin sister, Fook Yu, who were both Japanese women wearing pigtails, half-shirts, and mini-skirts that literally showed their underwear in an attempt to look like teenage schoolgirls and seduce Austin. He pulled out his notepad of “Things To Do Before I Die,” and crossed out “Threesome With Japanese Twins.” Basil interrupted and told Austin that his father had been kidnapped. Basil explained that wasn’t the reason Nigel didn’t attend Austin’s knighting ceremony because Nigel was last seen on his yacht. Three sailors who were assigned to guard Nigel were then brought into the room, and they pulled down their pants that got an exclamation from Austin who said their privates had been painted gold. Austin and Basil both agreed that Dr. Evil was the only person in the world who truly understood the psychology of a madman, so Austin went to the Maximum Security Facility in Geneva to visit Dr. Evil and tell him that Nigel was missing. Dr. Evil reminded Austin of another time his daddy let him down, which was at Austin’s graduation from the British Intelligence Academy in 1958. A student barged into young Austin’s dorm room and interrupted the sex he was having with a female under the bedcovers. Austin was given a medal for being the year’s international Man of Mystery, but during his speech when he called on his dad, Nigel was missing and everyone laughed just like at the knighting ceremony. Dr. Evil and Austin discussed the sailors, and Dr. Evil replied that the gold was the distinctive calling card of the criminal mastermind Goldmember. They then made a deal that Austin would get Goldmember if Austin got Dr. Evil a transfer to a regular prison so he could be with Mini Me. Dr. Evil told Austin that he would find Goldmember in 1975 at the Studio 69 Disco in New York City. Austin, dressed like a female wearing a pink and blue outfit with a male symbol necklace, then used a pimpmobile with a pink interior to travel back in time to the disco studio in 1975, where a scantily clad in gold-colored attire female named Foxxy Cleopatra sang the introduction to Goldmember’s grand entrance on roller skates. He did splits and contortionist moves on the floor and even spanked women who skated by him. Afterwards, Austin sat down on a couch, where Foxxy was sitting back-to-back with a man who lip-synced her words to Austin so it appeared the man was talking in a female voice. Foxxy wasn’t happy that it had been eight years since she and Austin had seen each other, and she said he had a lot of nerve dragging his jive white a** there. (More than a bit racist comment for HIS children to copy.) She eventually explained that she was working undercover at Goldmember’s club because her partner at the Bureau was killed a year before and Goldmember was the prime suspect for the death. Foxxy added that Nigel was in the back room under heavy guard, and before Austin could go get his dad the man sitting between Austin and Foxxy started kissing Austin (two men kissed). Austin got away, broke down the back door, and saw Nigel sitting in bed with four females (indicated orgy onscreen).He excused himself from them, and when Austin asked what was wrong with Nigel’s neck he replied that he took a Viagra a few hours before and it got stuck in his throat, so he still had a stiff neck. Austin and Nigel were then brought into a room where several females held them at gunpoint and Goldmember said he loved everything about gold. He peeled a piece of skin off his face and put it in the “skin box,” that Foxxy was holding with the other pieces of his own skin he had saved. Nigel said there were only two things in the world he couldn’t stand, and those were people who were intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch. That offended Goldmember, and he shouted for two women with guns to take Nigel away because Nigel was a Dutch-hater. Goldmember pulled out his gun and pointed it at Austin, and Foxxy knocked it out of Goldmember’s hand, but he knocked her to the ground and ran off to the time machine. Goldmember took Nigel to 2002 (the present where Austin came from), and Austin and Foxxy escaped with gunwomen dressed in hooker attire shooting after the two as they sped away in the pimpmobile. Foxxy showed Austin a microfilm device she found in Goldmember’s office and said it might be a clue, and she added that she wanted to go back to the future with Austin and catch Goldmember. Frau Farbissina from ICM, in disguise with a blond wig, visited Dr. Evil at the Georgia State Prison, where she informed him that Scotty was going to take over the family business. Dr. Evil said he was adopted by Belgians and never knew his birth parents because of the accident where the car that baby Dr. Evil and his birth mom were sitting in suddenly exploded. She was incinerated, and Dr. Evil only survived because her smoking carcass formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence. A Belgian man and his fifteen-year-old love slave found the blood-soaked baby, and they raised him to be evil. Dr. Evil. Farbissina then started flicking their tongues at each other (with him touching his nipple during the bizarre display of affection) and kissing open-mouthed. The female officer told them that time was up and visiting hours were over, but it turned out that scene was just a cover for Farbissina to put an escape key from her mouth into Dr. Evil’s mouth. In front of the other inmates, Dr. Evil broke into a weird rap song about Ebay, a hard knock life (from Annie), and God only knows. During the song, Mini Me danced with showgirls, one of whom showed her butt cheeks and another whose bare chest was blurred on screen. That night, the inmates agreed to Dr. Evil’s plan to start a riot as a distraction so Dr. Evil and Mini Me could escape on a motorcycle. Meanwhile, Basil told Austin and Foxxy that Dr. Evil escaped, but the good news was one of their agents infiltrated Dr. Evil’s organization and the mole discovered that Dr. Evil moved his lair to the Tokyo Bay in Japan. Dr. Evil welcomed his employees to his new submarine lair, which he said was long and hard and full of seamen. Goldmember was present and in front of everybody pulled a large piece of skin from his neck, put it in his mouth, and swallowed it disgusting everyone. Dr. Evil, the man with a plan, explained his scheme to Goldmember that they built a tractor beam that was powerful enough to pull the meteor Midas 22 into a collision course with Earth, where upon entering the atmosphere it would strike and melt the polar ice caps, causing a global flood. Mini Me was put in charge of guarding Nigel in his cell, where Nigel asked to see Mini Me’s private parts and check if they were proportionate to the rest of his tiny body. Mini Me pulled his pants down and Nigel complimented him saying he looked like a tripod. Austin and Foxxy took a plane to Tokyo, where Basil on Foxxy’s phone told them that one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen were spotted at the Asahi Sumo Arena. Austin and Foxxy headed there, where they witnessed Fat Bastard, a Scottish sumo wrestler, fighting a Japanese wrestler. Fat Bastard said his favorite Helen Hunt movie was Twister, so he twisted the other wrestler’s nuts and threw him into the crowd. The two spies witnessed an exchange between Fat Bastard and a Japanese man, so Foxxy dressed up as a Japanese female to infiltrate the bathroom and she wheeled the laundry cart down the hallway with Austin riding in the cart. The wrestlers threw their sumo undergarments on top of Austin, who jumped out of the cart screaming after Fat Bastard threw in his “diaper.” Fat Bastard just now noticed Foxxy and started rubbing his bare nipples while speaking seductively to her, so Austin attacked him and they started fighting until Foxxy, now dressed in a bikini bra with a “Foxxy,” belt buckle (the same style of outfit she wore for the rest of the movie), pulled a gun on Fat Bastard and wanted to know who he made an exchange with. He replied that the man was Mr. Roboto who owned Roboto industries and was designing the tractor beam for Dr. Evil. Fat Bastard came up with a sob story about being overweight in a society that demanded perfection, and then he soiled himself and told everybody to smell his fart that smelled like carrots and throw up. Basil later confirmed what Fat Bastard said about Roboto, and Austin and Foxxy met with Roboto at Roboto Industries. After several incidents where Austin misread the English subtitles on the screen as swear words that were the translations for Roboto’s Japanese words, Roboto told Austin and Foxxy that he knew nothing about Nigel and dismissed them from his office. Out in the hallway, Austin said that Roboto was lying to them and they left to go figure out what was going on. Right after Roboto showed Goldmember the gold key to activate Preparation H, Foxxy confronted Goldmember with her gun, but he made a run for it as Austin rescued Nigel from suffering the same fate that Goldmember did of losing his genitalia in a smelting accident, only not an accident this time. The spy trio took off after Goldmember in Nigel’s Mini Cooper spy car with the British flag printed on it.However, when they reached the dock Goldmember had already escaped in the submarine, and Austin and Nigel argued about whether they should take control of Dr. Evil’s lair or infiltrate it. Austin told Nigel that Nigel tried to be Austin’s friend instead of his dad and that even after Austin risked his life to save Nigel, he still didn’t respect Austin. Nigel scoffed at that and told Austin if he had an issue, then have a tissue, so they agreed to go their separate ways. Austin arrived back at the hotel and discovered that Mini Me was his room. Austin didn’t know that just moments before Mini Me and the mole agent had been discussing Mini Me switching sides to be with the good guys and thought Mini Me was still evil. Austin then went after the little guy attacking him while Mini Me tried to get the mole’s attention through the window. However, the mole was on the phone and distracted with his conversation. Austin put a pillowcase over Mini Me’s head, chased him around the room hitting him hard in the head with a stick resembling a baseball bat, knocked him out with a frying pan, and then swung the pillowcase around the room violently smashing it into glass. However, it appeared Mini Me was indestructible and was completely uninjured by Austin’s attack. The mole came back into the room and told Austin that Mini Me switched sides, and Austin apologized to Mini Me and welcomed him aboard. Mini Me, now dressed up as a mini version of Austin, gave Austin and Foxxy a map of Dr. Evil’s submarine. They pressed a button on Nigel’s spy car and it converted into a submarine. Inside Dr. Evil’s sub, he had a facetime with the World Organization and told them that if the WO didn’t pay Dr. Evil a billion yen, a meteor would crash into Earth causing a global flood. There was then a bizarre scene with Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon, and their two children watching on TV one of the WO’s satellites falling to Earth (which was just a demonstration Dr. Evil was doing to show the WO he wasn’t bluffing) and talking about how it was from the previous film, except now it was two female melons versus something in the past that resembled two male private parts. Austin, Foxxy and Mini Me snuck onto the submarine, where Mini Me started humping Foxxy’s leg like a dog and Austin sprayed him with a spray bottle to get him to stop. Meanwhile, Roboto said it was Japanese custom for Dr. Evil to pay him a bonus for his help, and Dr. Evil laughed at that and said he hadn’t laughed that hard since he was a little girl. Scotty then appeared and got rid of Roboto by dropping him into the shark tank, where the sharks mauled him with Scotty laughing psychotically at it. Austin and Mini Me tried to infiltrate the lair by dressing up as one person in a large uniform with Mini Me on the bottom and Austin on his shoulders, but they were stopped by the male nurse who told them all new recruits had to have a physical. He asked for a urine sample, and so Austin took one of the free apple juice bottles and opened the front of the uniform to give it to Mini Me. Austin held the cup in front of him while Mini Me sprayed apple juice out of his mouth, making it appear to the nurse when he looked over his shoulder that Austin was urinating. Austin then gave the nurse the cup, purposefully sloshing it all over the nurse, that disgusted the worker because he didn’t know it was fake urine apple juice. He then told Austin to go behind the white curtain screen and strip down. Austin and Mini Me used that as an opportunity to take off the uniform and discuss the next move. There was a sailor staring at Austin’s shadow from the other side of the screen, and he was horrified to see what looked like Austin’s touching the map with his penis and then bending down and eating an apple that his male body part held. However, it was actually Mini Me standing beside Austin and using his hand to do those things. The sailor told the nurse to check that out, and the nurse went behind the screen and saw something was up so he took Austin hostage while Mini Me escaped with the submarine map and brought it to Foxxy. Austin was brought before Dr. Evil, who was going to demonstrate the tractor beam but discovered that the gold key was missing. Foxxy appeared with the key she had taken, and Austin held a gun on Dr. Evil trying to decide whether or not to finish him. Nigel then appeared and told Austin that he couldn’t let him do that because Nigel had to protect his son, Dr. Evil. It was then revealed that Dr. Evil and Austin were brothers and the real story was Nigel and his wife were on a family holiday with their two sons, Dr. Evil and Austin. Nigel went to the bathroom along the side of the road, and then the car blew up. He found Austin uninjured on the ground and thought he was the only one who survived and didn’t know that the Belgian man and girl found Dr. Evil. Austin decided not to shoot Dr. Evil and told Nigel that he forgave him, and they both hugged with even Dr. Evil and Mini Me joining in on the hug. Scotty broke it up by saying that he hated everybody and they would all pay, and he stormed out of the room. Goldmember then appeared and said that Dr. Evil might not want to destroy the world, but Goldmember did and he was going to flood the earth. Foxxy threw the gold key into the shark tank, and Goldmember pretended to be upset about it but then showed everyone his gold winkie, which was actually a spare key. He tried to turn on the tractor beam as Austin and Dr. Evil (Nigel told Dr. Evil his real name was Dougie) went to reroute the capacitor. They climbed up the ladder to the capacitor device, and Foxxy grabbed Goldmember’s gun arm and tried to get it away from his but he started shooting wildly instead. Austin, to avoid getting shot, slipped down the ladder and grabbed onto Dr. Evil’s pants to keep from falling, which pulled Dr. Evil’s pants down and showed his bare butt. Dr. Evil made it to the capacitor and quickly rerouted it, which caused Goldmember to be zapped by electricity from the sky. The WO celebrated and said Austin saved the world again. Spielberg’s Austinpussy movie ended with John Travolta playing a cameo as Goldmember, and everyone who was watching it, including Austin and Foxxy, cheered. As they were leaving the theater, they were approached by Fat Bastard, who was no longer fat and lost 180 pounds because he went on a subway diet, but he complained about all his excess skin which made his neck look like a vagina. Outside on the red carpet, Austin and Foxxy kissed while Scotty was the new Dr. Evil at the old Dr. Evil’s Hollywood lair. This movie had a budget of $63 million and grossed over $296 million at the box office. The following was listed on the movie cover art Stephen Hunter, The Washington Post “Extremely Funny!” “Mike Myers if a comic genius!” Joel Siegel, Good Morning America. This mentally disturbing so-called entertainment was released months after 9/11 in our Great USA.  This was recently sold at a local library book sale for next to nothing and that was too much! 


Copyright © 2017 Makayla Jane - All Rights Reserved.

Powered by