GOD BLESS POLICE!

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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/7/23

TITLE: Paulie

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children).

PRODUCTION YEAR:  1998 DreamWorks Pictures/Mutual Film Company

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with Misha Belenkoff, a Russian literature teacher who recently immigrated to America, taking a janitor job at a New Jersey science research institute. He met Paulie, a parakeet who was an old project of Dr. Reingold the biology scientist but who was put in a cage in the basement when funding was lost. Paulie hadn’t been eating much, and he growled like a dog and plucked out his feathers. Misha discovered that Paulie could talk and gave him food in exchange for words. Misha tried to get Paulie to talk in front of Dr. Reingold so he would be taken out of the basement, but Paulie refused so Dr. Reingold thought Misha was crazy and said that the bird only mimicked what he heard and was not intelligent. Paulie told Misha his story of how talking got him in trouble. It began when he was younger and was given as a gift to a five-year-old stuttering girl named Marie Alweather by her grandpa so she would have someone to talk to. Marie loved Paulie and spent all her time with him, and she even shared her lollipop with him. Marie’s dad, Warren, returned from his military duty, and Marie didn’t recognize Warren because he had been gone for years. Warren and his wife, Lila, argued because he wasn’t happy that Marie was still stuttering. Warren gave Marie a cat that tried to attack Paulie. Paulie taught himself to talk and helped Marie overcome her stutter, and she tried to tell her dad that but Warren didn’t believe her and he told Lila they should get rid of the bird so Marie could make human friends. Marie overheard and went out on the windowsill to teach Paulie to fly so he could fly back to her if they ever got separated. However, Marie then fell off the roof and Warren heard her screams and caught her just in time. Warren and Lila sent Paulie away, and he was eventually pawned off to Artie at the pawnshop where Paulie insulted the customers. A small-time thief named Benny wanted to have Paulie, but Ivy, a widowed artist, beat him to it. Ivy helped Paulie find the house where Marie’s family lived, but it turned out they moved to Los Angeles. Paulie was able to convince Ivy to drive to LA in her camper, and along the way she sang the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” and Paulie said his birdbrain would explode if she didn’t stop. Ivy almost collided head-on with a truck because her eyesight was failing her, and the trip was put on hold. Paulie was Ivy’s seeing-eye bird until she passed away, and then Paulie flew all the way to LA after stopping at the Grand Canyon to watch the sunrise that Ivy and her husband had always wanted to see. In LA, Paulie met Ignacio, the Spanish-speaking musician who used his many parrots to dance during his performances at the food truck venue. Ignacio couldn’t find the Alweather number in the phonebook so Paulie became one of his bird dancers. Back in real time, Paulie asked Misha if he ever had a girlfriend, and Misha explained that he once knew a girl with flowers in her hair who was a fellow student at the university. He loved her but didn’t speak up, so his best friend told the woman how he felt and they got married. The female told Misha at the wedding that she always liked him best but was afraid of his silence. Paulie was convinced that Lupe, one of Ignacio’s parrots, was the prettiest parrot in LA and liked him. Benny from New Jersey stopped by and recognized Paulie, and he tried to give Ignacio $50 for the parrot but Ignacio refused because Paulie wasn’t for sale. Benny then called the police and told them he was trying to do a good deed by saying the taco stand had maniacs and rats running around and a man who served alcohol to children. When the police arrived, all the illegal party goers from south of the border scattered, and in the chaos Benny birdnapped Paulie. Benny told Paulie that he wanted to help him find Marie, but to do that they would need money to hire a private detective. Benny and Paulie then worked together to steal money by having the bird spy on people entering their PIN numbers in the ATM. Benny would bump into the person as they walked away and snatch their credit card to give to Paulie, who would then use it at the ATM and withdraw money. When Benny and his girlfriend Ruby learned that Paulie could identify real diamonds from fake ones after his time at the pawnshop, they sent him to rob a house. Paulie entered the house through the chimney (like Santa), and stole a vintage necklace from a jewelry box. However, a young boy caught Paulie before he got out the window. Benny and Ruby didn’t help Paulie and instead sped off to save themselves. When the dad realized Paulie could talk, he took the parrot to Dr. Reingold, who promised Paulie that he would get to see Marie if he consented to do some tests and prove he was intelligent and capable of cognizant speech. Paulie agreed and insulted the research staff during his tests. Dr. Reingold gave a presentation where he explained that he wanted to start a research program to explore animal communication and get to the heart of language itself. However, Paulie had already learned that Dr. Reingold had an ulterior motive and didn’t plan on making good on his promise, so Paulie messed around and said “Paulie wants a cracker” and “up yours, jacka**” to the employees. Paulie then started screaming that Dr. Reingold was a liar and flew around, so Dr. Reingold had Paulie’s wings clipped so he couldn’t fly. Paulie never talked to anybody after that, and when he started biting people he was moved into the basement and he couldn’t remember how long ago that was. Misha then decided that he would help Paulie find Marie and cut apart the bars of Paulie’s cage to free him. Misha broke into Dr. Reingold’s office and went through his files trying to find Marie’s address. When that failed, Misha realized that the initials “M.A.” which he found on a note inside the parrot book earlier on stood for Marie Alweather. Misha called Marie’s number and told her that he found Paulie. Then, Dr. Reingold appeared and said that Paulie wasn’t leaving because he was the property of the institute. Dr. Reingold fired Misha, but Misha replied that he quit and walked out of the room saying Dr. Reingold knew along that Paulie belonged to Marie. The security chased after Misha, and he locked himself in the lab where he released all the animals from their cages to wreak havoc. Misha and Paulie escaped out the window and went to the Alweather house in Cambria, California. Marie came outside looking for Paulie, but he didn’t recognize Marie and told her to leave him alone because Marie was now an adult. Marie sang what Paulie used to sing to her about her being a flower, a river and a rainbow, and how he loved her the first time he saw her and always would. Paulie then knew that it was Marie and flew over to her because it turned out his clipped wings grew back, which made him even happier. Misha was going to leave, but Paulie pointed out that Marie had flowers in her hair like the girl Misha once knew and convinced Misha to speak up and accept Marie’s invitation to come into the house. The following was listed on the movie cover art: KNX-CBS Radio, “The most enchanting family film since Babe.” Los Los Angeles Times, “…a perfect family movie…”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/6/23

TITLE: Three Men and a Baby 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1987 Touchstone Pictures / Silver Screen Partners III / 

Interscope Communications / Buena Vista Pictures Distribution

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Manhattan, New York, where three men (architect Peter Mitchell, cartoonist Michael Kellam, and actor Jack Holden) shared an apartment. The trio had dozens of random women going in and out as the Bad Boys song played. Peter had a birthday party, and he told one female that he saw other people and he wasn’t exclusively dating attorney Rebecca. He told another partygoer that he and Rebecca were tight and had been dating for five years. Shady Paul Milner, Jack’s friend and a TV commercial director, asked Jack if it was okay for him to have a package delivered to Jack’s apartment the following day while Paul was away and then somebody would come to pick it up in a few days. Jack agreed and Paul told him not to mention it to anybody. Rebecca told Peter that she couldn’t sleep the night with him because she had a pretrial meeting. Jack left the next morning for Turkey because he had an acting role in the movie Zalmon the Barbarian. Jack left his roomie buddies a message about the package and said he would bring them back something from Turkey, like a drumstick. Peter and Michael then discovered a baby girl in a basket outside their door in the hallway, and there was also a note from Sylvia Bennington addressed to Jack informing him that was their baby and her name was Mary. Sylvia explained that she couldn’t handle Mary in her life and hoped one day that Jack and Mary could forgive her. Michael said a secretary was necessary to keep track of all of Jack’s women so they didn’t know who Sylvia was. Peter and Michael argued and woke up Mary, and she started crying so they brought her inside and Peter told Michael to entertain “it” while Peter rushed off to buy baby food. Michael didn’t know what to do and flapped his hands around and opened his robe to show the baby his hairy chest. Peter asked a store employee named Edna for advice, and she said that what babies ate in their first year could determine their entire psychological and physical future. Edna couldn’t believe that Peter didn’t know the age of his baby so he could get the right food, so he just threw some cans into a cart. Edna reminded Peter that if the baby was under three months old, he needed to sterilize the nipples and he just stared at her. Nothing that Michael did would make Mary stop crying until he turned the TV on, but he quickly turned it off and Mary started crying again when Michael realized that the older female was talked about women, orgasm and men’s body parts. Michael opened the door to Mrs. Hathaway the landlady, who dropped off the small package Jack was talking about. Michael threw the package aside as if it was nothing. Mrs. Hathaway held Mary and she immediately stopped crying, and Mrs. Hathaway said she loved babies but she and her husband weren’t able to have children of their own. Mrs. Hathaway pointed out that Mary did a doodle but Michael didn’t want her help to change the diaper. Peter came back and said he had been all over getting supplies, and because he couldn’t feel Mary’s teeth he said they would feed her the newborn food and hope she wasn’t allergic. Peter and Michael then had trouble changing Mary’s diaper with the baby girl completely frontal picture naked and exposed on the couch showed on camera. The diapers turned out to be extra-large and fell right off Mary, who then peed all over herself. After he and Michael did Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who would change Mary, Peter poured baby formula in his coffee because he thought it tasted good. Peter called Rebecca for help, and she was headed to a concert at Carnegie Hall and brought along Jan Clopatz, the cellist from Hungary. Rebecca couldn’t believe Jack had a baby, and Peter said he realized that the concept tended to negate their belief in a benevolent God. Jan grinned as he said babies took a lot of work, and Rebecca told Peter that just because she was a woman didn’t mean she knew about babies. She added that she had a date with Jan and didn’t want to take care of Mary, even after Peter said that he didn’t care if she dated the whole string section as long as she helped him. Peter and Michael counted down the days until the package was supposed to be picked up. Peter had to get to work, and he told Michael he would give him a $1,000 to change Mary’s diaper. Vince and Satch (drug dealers) arrived at the apartment, and they acted strange as Peter and Michael told them how to take care of the baby (still thought the baby was the package). The two dangerous men were reluctant to take Mary but eventually did along with the baby formula container that the bad guys believed had the illegal drugs inside. A few minutes later Peter realized that something was sketchy. Peter found the real package on the couch then that Michael didn’t mention and raced down the stairs to catch up with the thugs, as they were about to put baby Mary in the trunk. Peter tripped and the package broke open and the drugs spilled out. He made it outside and he and Vince fought over Mary until a police officer on horseback interrupted. Vince quickly gave Peter the baby in exchange for a container of formula which he thought held the drugs, and Vince denied that he tried to put the baby in the trunk. The officer still on horseback wanted to see the bad guys’ ID because they were double-parking, but they sped off instead. The officer did not go after the questionable car but instead asked for Peter’s ID, and when Peter realized that it was in the same pocket as the dope he lied to the officer that he left his wallet in his apartment and convinced him to come up to the room to get it. Peter handed Mary off to Michael and told him to hide the drugs, and after the officer left, Detective Sergeant Melkowitz from Narcotics at the NYPD (who was watching the exchange from his car) appeared. Michael hid the drugs inside a diaper that he then put on Mary, and he was nervous about Melkowitz asking to hold the baby but nothing happened and Mary was quickly returned to Michael. Melkowitz asked Peter if he knew Paul, who produced TV commercials and smuggled heroin on the side. Peter replied that Paul was a friend of Jack’s, Mary’s dad, and Melkowitz asked Peter to get him water so he could search the baby basket for the drugs. Jack then called Peter, and Melkowitz overheard the conversation with Jack saying he bought too much cheap “stuff” in Turkey but could always smuggle it in. Michael hid the $250,000 worth of heroin in the diaper pail, and he and Peter left Mary with Mrs. Hathaway to babysit so they could go to work. Peter noticed he was being followed on his way home, and when he got back to the apartment he discovered that the house had been ransacked and Mrs. Hathaway was tied up and gagged. Peter searched for baby Mary and found her crying in his workroom, and when Michael got home he found the note from the burglars saying next time they would take the baby. It seemed nobody contacted the police about the incident. Later that night, Peter woke up by someone entering the apartment, so he threw a basketball at the back of the intruder’s head. It turned out to be Jack, and Michael tried to attack him because he had been silently plotting his revenge against Jack and wanted to kill him for leaving them stuck with the baby. Peter explained the situation and Jack said that he didn’t know what was in the package and thought he was just doing dirty crooked Paul a favor. Jack then remembered Sylvia from Stratford a year and a half ago when he did “Taming of the Shrew” and Sylvia was the shrew. Peter and Michael told Jack it was his turn to take care of Mary, and they went off to work, play pool, and go to nightlife events with their girlfriends instead of helping Jack. When Jack couldn’t get ahold of Paul or Sylvia, he called his mother over for help. Jack tried to convince Mrs. Holden to take care of Mary, but she replied that Jack had always run away from his responsibilities and now he was going to turn and face them. Mrs. Holden left telling Jack to clean up the messy apartment for her granddaughter’s sake if not for themselves. While Peter and Michael were away, they tried to call Jack but he didn’t answer the phone because he was taking a shower with Mary and didn’t hear the ringing. The guys then had a phone installed in the shower. Peter found the news headline that Paul was hospitalized after being mugged, as well as a note saying the three men would be next if they didn’t comply. They called Vince and Satch and said they were either going to do things the way Peter and his buddies wanted or they would flush the drugs down the toilet.Later that night, Jack left the hotel dressed as a pregnant woman with Mary under his jacket. He picked Peter and Michael up in a cab to meet with the drug dealers at a construction site. Two undercover agents chased after them but lost them. Jack called Melkowitz to arrange everything, and Jack also had to change Mary’s dirty diaper in the car. As Peter gave Vince and Satch the drugs, Michael recorded it all on camera but then accidentally gave away his hiding spot. He and Peter jumped into an elevator while Vince and Satch got in another, and Jack randomly pressed buttons and was able to stop the drug dealers’ elevator and get Peter and Michael’s to the ground. The police arrived at that moment, and Michael gave Melkowitz the video and Peter pointed out where the drug dealers were stuck. Melkowitz asked to hold Mary again, but Michael refused. The three men went about their lives showing off Mary everywhere they went. Young Sylvia from England then showed up at the apartment to retrieve baby Mary that she abandoned, and she confirmed that Mary was really Jack’s. Sylvia said she was going back to London that night and moving in with her parents, who agreed to help her take care of Mary. Peter and Michael agreed that they didn’t want Mary to leave, and they believed Jack felt the same way but just couldn’t admit it. After Sylvia left, Jack convinced himself that Mary was better off with Sylvia and they were better off with things back to normal since guys like them shouldn’t be raising a baby anyway. Jack then changed his mind because he had a hole in his heart and missed Mary. The trio raced to British Airways in a taxi, but they were too late and the flight to London had already taken off. When they got back to the apartment, Sylvia was there in tears with Mary. Sylvia explained that she didn’t want to make another mistake by taking Mary away since she knew she couldn’t raise the baby by herself and felt like she was going to work to pay the sitters and not paying anything else. Sylvia announced that she wanted to work in New York instead of going back to London, and the men understood how hard it was and immediately volunteered to babysit Mary whenever Sylvia needed it. Peter suggested that baby Mary live with them permanently so they could see her all the time and be her family, and he offered to build Sylvia a room so she could live with them too. Sylvia agreed.This movie had a budget of $11- $15 million budget and grossed $240 million at the box office. Siskel & Ebert & The Movies was quoted on the movie cover art as saying, “Two thumbs up!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/5/23

TITLE: Arthur 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2011 Warner Bros. Pictures / Kevin McCormick Production /

MBST Entertainment / Benderspink Production / 

 Langley Park Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Manhattan, New York, where 30-year-old British billionaire and alcoholic Arthur Bach lived. Arthur never grew up and still watched cartoons, and he was cared for solely by his nanny, Lillian Hobson who was more his mother than Vivienne Bach ever was because Vivienne was more concerned about powering the family business, Bach Worldwide. Arthur planned to go to Vivienne’s fundraiser wearing his Batman costume with his chauffeur, Bitterman, as Robin wearing his underwear. Bitterman drove the Batmobile, and the NYPD chased him and Arthur. In the process, the delinquints ran into a large bull statue that landed on top of the car, and Arthur complained about the bull’s testicles as the police recognized Arthur because he had been stopped before for reckless driving under the influence. Arthur decided to pay for the release of the other prisoners at the jail as well as his own and Bitterman’s because Arthur didn’t think it was fair that the inmates didn’t get out too. Arthur also took $78,000 out of an ATM and handed it out. The next morning, Arthur woke up in bed with Tiffany. Lillian Hobson picked up Tiffany’s bra and told her not to let Arthur get used to her breasts since he had an addictive personality and had been at Lillian’s breasts until he was six, at which time she put tabasco on her nipples to deter him. Tiffany left in her underwear and unbuttoned shirt, along with the other people from Arthur’s drinking party the previous night who slept on the floor. Arthur was later in the bathtub using his binoculars to spy on a lesbian couple walking down the street, and he insisted that Lillian take a look. Lillian told Arthur to wash his winkie because heaven knew what exotic wildlife Tiffany was harboring between her thighs. Arthur went to see Vivienne at the giant corporation. Susan Johnson, a corporate executive, was mad at Arthur because she was always the one to break up with someone after she slept with him whereas Arthur broke up with her. Vivienne showed Arthur a news headline where he was in provocative photos with two women, and he argued that in fairness, they said they were over 18 and were not men but they turned out to be transvestites. There was the news headline of Arthur and Bitterman being arrested, as well as a photo of Arthur sitting with a female and his legs spread wide with his private parts blurred. Vivienne told Arthur the nonsense needed to stop and she quoted charming, coffee-colored gentleman who ran the country (Obama) as saying “the time has come to set aside childish things.” Vivienne’s solution was to have Arthur marry Susan, whose credentials included winning prestigious equestrian competitions and participating in Homes for Humans. Vivienne explained that the company would fare better if Susan was running it as a Bach, and Arthur replied that marriage wasn’t a tool to protect a corporate image, it was to validate unwanted pregnancy. Vivienne said Arthur was cut off from the money if he didn’t marry Susan, and Arthur replied that he would get married when he fell in love but quickly changed his mind and said that Susan was a nice girl and a sexy clown after Vivienne said Arthur would lose his $950 million if he didn’t marry Susan. Vivienne and Arthur went to a wealthy auction, where he purchased and wore around the suit that Abraham Lincoln wore while giving his second inaugural address. Arthur wandered off to Grand Central Terminal, where he bumped into Naomi Quinn who was giving a tour and trying to point out the designs on the ceiling. Arthur embarrassed Naomi by suggestively saying he had a nice ceiling above his bed. A police officer then told Naomi to break it up yet again because she was operating an illegal tour without a license. Naomi ran from the officer and Arthur followed, and the officer was going to arrest Naomi because she ran from him and he had already given her three warnings. Naomi and Arthur both lied to the officer that the people on the tour were Naomi’s family and it was a family reunion. The two claimed to be engaged and after Naomi kissed Arthur on the cheek, he kissed her passionately on the lips. Naomi pulled away and told her darling Arthur to stop because she didn’t want everyone to think he was a random British pervert. Arthur tried to give the officer money, but he knew who Arthur was all along and walked away thanking Arthur for the show. Lillian told Arthur he needed to meet with Burt and ask for his daughter Susan’s hand in marriage, but Arthur wanted to stay and box with Evander Holyfield (as himself) and then have his music lesson with Kanye West. Lillian went to the ring and decked Arthur with a single punch, so he agreed to go to the meeting. Arthur told Burt that the Burt Johnson Towers he was building reminded Arthur of a gay club he went to in Copenhagen. Burt confirmed that he built the tower in that location so he could spy on Arthur’s house from the window. Burt wouldn’t go to the hospital to have the nails removed in his body that were put there by Arthur messing around with the nail gun. Arthur agreed that there was nothing wrong with the nails because they made a hero out of Jesus. Burt went on to say that he was okay with Susan marrying Arthur because he figured she could turn Arthur around since she once bought a crack house and turned it into a condo. Arthur replied that he once did the exact opposite. Burt then told Arthur to touch his tongue to the table saw because the moisture in his tongue would cause the saw to turn off immediately. Arthur didn’t want to do it so Burt held Arthur down and the table saw shut off the moment his tongue touched it. Arthur and Susan then went on a date, where he said they shouldn’t get married because they had nothing in common, like how Susan liked veal that Arthur thought was cruel and she loved horses which he didn’t like because of their eyes, sneaky feet with permanent shoes, and mean faces. Arthur then tried to upset Susan by gargling champagne, kissing another woman, and going into the kitchen and using bowls to make it look like he had tin titties. Susan told Arthur to tell everyone watching that he did crazy things when he was in love, and he obliged and Susan went on to say that Arthur embarrassing his or her family was not tolerable. Arthur reluctantly got down on one knee to propose to Susan with a huge diamond ring. Lillian reassured Arthur that he would be rich his whole life and not have to work like poor people if he married Susan, and she told him to be a man and honor his engagement promise. Lillian erased Naomi’s number from Arthur’s phone so he couldn’t talk to her, but then he rerouted all the commuters at Grand Central Terminal so he could spend 45 minutes with Naomi at the station, where he set up rose petals and dinner. Naomi confessed that the last guy she dated told her she could only eat salad and then told her he was gay, and she said Arthur was already winning because he was heterosexual. Arthur then suggested they go to Tuscany that night on a jet, but Naomi said she couldn’t go to Italy that night. Arthur had failed to call Naomi back and formally ask her on a date the first time, so now he asked her out and they went to her house. They ate Saucy-O’s, which Naomi said were one of the rare cases when the generic brand was better than the name brand and Arthur thought it was delicious. Naomi told Arthur to keep it down because her dad was asleep, and Arthur joked about Naomi’s mom being nude until he learned that she died the previous year. Arthur shared that his dad died when he was a child, and he explained that he was sensible and frugal, he didn’t drink or smoke, he walked everywhere and then he dropped dead of a heart attack when he 44(and his mom took control of running the Bach mega fortune then). Arthur said he didn’t drink as much when he was a kid, and he called Naomi a weirdo because she only drank juice boxes as a child. Arthur told Naomi that she should quit her job and focus all her energy on writing children’s books because she was currently working on one, and she replied that people like her couldn’t just publish a book and expect it to pay all their bills. The next day, Susan and Arthur were supposed to sit together on a horse for the wedding cover shot for Town and Country magazine, but Arthur didn’t want to and told the horse that he didn’t trust it. However, Burt didn’t give Arthur a choice and grabbed him by the private parts to get him up on the horse. Susan galloped off with Arthur hanging on for dear life to teach him a lesson, and she told him that she was only marrying him because she wanted power and recognition by being in charge of one of the largest trusts in the world, and by doing so people would no longer sneer at her when she walked by for being the daughter of a contractor from Pittsburgh. She told Arthur to say goodbye to his “spontaneous” girlfriend. Arthur invited Naomi to his house that night for another date, but Susan came to the door first and French kissed Arthur. Susan said she was feeling spontaneous and came over wearing a spontaneous outfit, which was her hooker outfit with knee-high boots, miniskirt and corset top. Arthur sent Susan off to the bedroom and welcomed Naomi next. Lillian kept Naomi busy while Arthur tried to get rid of Susan, who drank two bottles of alcohol and was oversexed thinking she was a cat. Susan pushed Arthur off the bed onto the floor and then got on top of him and whipped him as if he was her horse. Arthur’s pants came off in the process, and as Susan crawled under the bed she became stuck to the bottom of it because her outfit was made of metal and the bed was made of magnets. In his underwear, Arthur fumbled around with the remote control and explained that he had to be careful because one of the buttons could cause the bed to fall and kill Susan. Arthur quickly got dressed and told Lillian to take care of the half-naked businesswoman under his bed. Arthur took Naomi outside, and they kissed under the moonlight. Lillian later told Arthur that Naomi was a nice girl, but he needed the money from marrying Susan because he couldn’t go half an hour without buying another sports car. Lillian also reminded Arthur of the time he paid Elton John $2 million to sing over the PA in a grocery store for Easter. Arthur said he could live without the money and get a job, Lillian laughed. Naomi and Arthur continued hanging out, and Arthur got a job working at a candy store. He paid the costume-greeter $10,000 so Arthur could wear the gummy bear costume for an hour and give the kids free candy. The manager fired Arthur when he found out because that wasn’t Arthur’s job. Arthur then realized that he needed to be sober to get a job since he was drinking at the candy store. Lillian took Arthur to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, where one man explained that he sold his son’s toys to buy drugs, stole from his friends and family and was once so drunk that he backed his car over his mother. Arthur, in disguise and calling himself Gandalf so he wouldn’t be recognized, blurted out that the meeting was depressing and unhappy and made him want to drink. Arthur added that he wanted to drink less but not quit altogether, and if he ran his mother over he would be out celebrating with booze. Lillian then stood up and spoke for Arthur since he wouldn’t tell the truth about being a rich alcoholic who went to bed with three European princesses and was so drunk he vomited on two of them and peed on the other and was then left on his magnetic bed wondering what venereal disease he just caught. Arthur then called Vivienne and told her he didn’t want to marry Susan, and Vivienne told him to just do it and cheat on Susan with Naomi. Arthur went to Naomi’s apartment and told her that he was engaged to another woman and had to marry her otherwise he wouldn’t get the money, but he was still in love with Naomi. She was upset that Arthur lied to her and refused to accept his check to her for $999,000 dollars to help her with her dad and writing career. Naomi later published her book, MADhattan. Lillian went to see Vivienne and told her that Arthur didn’t want to go through with the marriage, but Vivienne insisted that it happen because Arthur was weak, to which Lillian replied he was stronger than Lillian thought. Lillian then spoke with Naomi and asked her not to give up on Arthur, but Naomi said Arthur was getting married to someone else and there was nothing she could do about it. Lillian then collapsed, and Naomi called Arthur, who was stuck sitting through the engagement party. Arthur went to see Lillian in the hospital, where nobody would tell him what was going on because he wasn’t family. Lillian only said she had a headache and that she didn’t mention the tests she had for the last few months because she didn’t want to worry Arthur. Arthur brought in a bunch of gifts for Lillian. She liked the stuffed bears, and Arthur said he would incinerate the bears if she didn’t put the Darth Vader mask on and use the voice changer. Naomi told Arthur that Lillian was at her house because they hung out all the time and went shoplifting every Wednesday at Bergdorff’s, but then she said Lillian came over because she was worried about Arthur. Naomi went on to say that she had planned in her head the angry things she was going to say to Arthur about his lies and problems if she ever saw him again, but she also wanted to thank him for encouraging her writing because she sold her book to Painted Wagon Press. Arthur introduced Susan when Susan showed up out of the blue to Naomi. Susan pointed out that Bach Worldwide (Arthur, more specifically) just bought Painted Wagon Press for the sole purpose of publishing Naomi’s book. Naomi walked away in tears, and Susan told Arthur she did Naomi a favor by telling her the truth. Arthur chased after Naomi, who said she thought she earned it but because of what he did she wouldn’t know if people really liked her book. She suggested that Arthur try working for something and earn it because earning things felt great. Lillian got out of the hospital and was put on home health. Arthur was going to serve her food with blood in it from him cutting his hand, but then he took it back and instead served Lillian Saucy O’s and other normal food. Arthur and Lillian watched movies and hung out. Lillian later explained that she was in London when she fell in love with a man from Spain, and he wanted her to go to Spain with him. Lillian cancelled two days before the trip because two-year-old Arthur’s dad died and Lillian didn’t want to leave Arthur alone with wicked Vivienne. One morning, Lillian didn’t wake up because she passed away. Arthur resorted to heavy drinking once again and having wild parties at his house, but he went through it all in a daze. Arthur sat in the bathtub in his silk robe when Bitterman came to him wearing the Darth Vader mask trying to cheer him up. When Bitterman told Arthur that it was his wedding day, Arthur wanted to drown himself. Arthur was late to the church and too drunk to read the note that he found inside his empty canteen, so Arthur asked a young boy sitting on the church bench attending the wedding to read the note to him. It was from Lillian and addressed to Arthur the pampered prick, and she told him he could change his life and do anything under the sun because he was strong. Arthur was in tears then and when Burt opened the door, Burt told Arthur it was the bride’s job to cry and to man up. Arthur did just that by objecting to the marriage during the ceremony and went off questioning the people in the bridal party, like the groomsmen he didn’t recognize who were just there for show. Arthur went on to say that he slept with three of the bridesmaids but couldn’t remember which three, and he told Susan the wedding was a sham because they didn’t love each other and Susan deserved better. When Arthur tried to quote Abraham Lincoln, he only got to the word “Freedom” before Susan came up behind him and punched him out. Susan had a hissy fit pointing her finger at Arthur and demanded that he marry her because she was the future of Bach Worldwide and all she needed was Arthur’s goddamn last name. British Vivienne got up from her church seat and told Susan to lay off her son. Arthur told Vivienne that he was giving up everything to be with the woman he loved. Inside the Cathedral, Arthur stripped down to his underwear saying he didn’t need those fancy clothes at the blue-collar job he was going to get, and he explained that after he was gone, his family’s investments were safe because he wouldn’t be anywhere near the Bach fund. Susan told her dad she was keeping the engagement ring as Arthur walked down the aisle runway showing off his blue underwear and saying he was going to be poor now. Bitterman shook Arthur’s hand after he was informed that he no longer had employment with Arthur because Arthur quit the Bachs. Vivienne followed Arthur and told him she could see he was the stronger and she also saw the bloody evil side of Susan. She gave him cash for his cab ride and wished him luck, and Arthur went to Queens in a cab. He was stuck in traffic, so he left the cab and ran to Naomi’s house in his underwear and told her that that he didn’t get married and instead gave away everything for her. Naomi said she shouldn’t have, and when Arthur said his mum died, Naomi apologized but said she couldn’t be Lillian’s replacement. Six months later, Arthur was somewhat cleaned up and in group therapy where he told everyone about the embarrassment he caused his family and all the money he spent on obsessions and prostitutes, and he finally made amends with his mother as much as he could with a dragon lady. Arthur purchased a copy of MADhattan that he saw outside a book storefront and read that Naomi dedicated it to him, and then he saw the sign for the story time at the library where Naomi was reading the book to children. Arthur hurried to the library, and when Naomi finished, one boy said Arthur sounded like Harry Potter, and another kid asked him if he was a boy of a girl and he said it didn’t matter. He told a story about the prince who met a princess in Queens, and another child said that the princess was a bit**for turning the prince away when he gave up his kingdom for her. Arthur explained that the princess wasn’t mean but helped the prince because he had a problem with candy. The kids asked if he really meant drugs like meth and crack, and Arthur explained that it was a booze addiction. Arthur then stood up and apologized to Naomi for his behavior and how he wanted to take care of her instead of the other way around. Naomi and Arthur kissed and the children thought it was gross. When they went outside, Bitterman was there with movie cars that included the Mystery Machine, General Lee, the Batmobile, and the Back to the Future car. Bitterman thought that Arthur said he could buy Naomi back with a fleet of movie cars, but Arthur explained that he said he couldn’t do that and Bitterman had it wrong. Arthur admitted to Naomi then that his mom gave him his inheritance in return for running the Bach charity discreetly.  Bitterman then drove Arthur and Naomi in the fiery Batmobile down the street as the NYPD police chased them…again. Thelma Adams from US Weekly was quoted on the movie cover art as saying, “A laugh-out-loud romp. Garner is delicious and the hugely talented Brand nails it.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/4/23

TITLE: Kindergarten Cop 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1990 Universal Pictures / Imagine Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in California with Detective John Kimble following Cullen Crisp the drug lord who John had been after for four years through the mall. Cullen went to the basement to meet with Danny, who wanted to give Cullen information about his ex-wife and son in exchange for $1,000 at the request of Danny’s female hooker, Cindy, who was hiding nearby. Cullen didn’t want to pay, and Danny explained that he saw Cullen’s ex-wife (who changed her name and appearance and supposedly stole $3 million in drug money from Cullen) in Astoria, Oregon, where her son attended Astoria Elementary School. Cullen confirmed that Danny hadn’t told anyone and then he left after shooting Danny dead. Cindy started screaming. Under cover Officer John overheard and handcuffed Cindy to Danny’s dead body so John could go after Cullen. Cullen told his mother, Eleanor, at the hair salon that he knew where his family was, and then John burst into the room and pulled his gun on Cullen. Mall security police in uniform pointed their guns at John and John told them he was an officer and showed his badge. Cullen was arrested and Cindy was taken to the police station, but she refused to stay for the line-up and told the police to shove their handcuffs up their a** because she wasn’t talking. Cindy was released, and later that night John went to an alley where Spanish-speaking gangsters were slapping womenaround. John knocked the guys out and crashed the party that Cindy was at by shooting up the place. John threatened that he would hang out with Cindy until the end of time unless she came to the lineup, so she did and with absolute confidence identified Cullen as the murderer. John manhandled Cullen into the interrogation room and demanded to know the names of his drug suppliers and distributors. Cullen wouldn’t say and declared that his lawyer would get him out of jail in a week. John and fellow detective female Phoebe O’Hara were sent to Oregon to find Cullen’s wife and offer her in immunity in exchange for her testimony against Cullen. John and Phoebe would pose as a married couple and Phoebe would go undercover as a substitute kindergarten teacher at Astoria. She told John that she was a teacher before she was an officer, but she got sick of other people’s kids and quit because she was afraid that she wouldn’t want to have kids of her own if she stayed on the teacher job. John had a 13-year-old son named Alex that he never saw because Alex lived with his mom, (John’s ex-wife and her new husband). The next morning, Phoebe was too sick to get out of bed so John took her place in the school environment as teacher. At school, Joyce Paulmarie, another teacher, scolded young Matthew for punching Jenny because young Jenny had poisoned Matthew’s hamsters. Miss Schlowski , the elementary school principal, wasn’t happy that Mrs. Hagley, the kindergarten teacher with 25 years’ experience, was being replaced by an undercover cop who wouldn’t say why he was there. Miss Schlowski informed John that she didn’t want the kids in danger and the parents would take their children out of the school if she told them the new teacher was a cop. Miss Schlowski explained to the class that Mrs. Hagley went away on a trip, and after the principal left, one six-year-old boy stood up and told John that boys had a penis and girls had a vagina. Emma had to go to the bathroom but the little girl couldn’t get her overalls undone and required adult assistance, so John went to Joyce’s class for help and Joyce took Emma to the bathroom. When John got back to the classroom, it was kindermonium because the unsupervised children destroyed the room. Miss Schlowski didn’t break it up because she concluded that John would quit within two days if he had to deal with the unruly children by himself. John screamed at the kids to shut up and they did and started crying, and he calmed them down by introducing his pet ferret as the new class mascot. John told Phoebe that the kids were horrible and wasn’t able to convince his partner Phoebe to take over. The moms gossiped that John must be gay because men didn’t usually teach kindergarten, but they changed their minds and perked up when they saw what John looked like. One mom even had her son ask John if he was married because she was interested in him. Jillian told John about her son Sylvester, who hadn’t seen his father in California since he was two and who was obsessed with playing with dolls. John, suspecting that Jillian was Cullen’s ex-wife and Sylvester his son, said that Sylvester used the dolls to look up girls’ skirts and assured Jillian he would take care of it. Jillian refused to give John her husband’s information so he could speak to him because Jillian said her ex-husband left her for another man. The kids then recited the Pledge of Allegiance that included One Nation Under God in the classroom. In an attempt to find Cullen Crisp Jr., John played the game “Who is your daddy and what does he do?” The children’s answers included: one dad repaired cars driven by women who were pinheads, another dad was a taxi driver whose ex-wife hoped he died soon, twins whose mom told them their dad was a sex machine, and another dad was a gynecologist who looked at vaginas all day long. During the fire drill, John’s class ran out of the building screaming instead of walking in an orderly time, so Miss Schlowski embarrassed John in front of the whole school. Later that night, John gave Phoebe a picture of Zach Sullivan because he was convinced that Zach looked just like Cullen and was his son. The undercover duo went to a restaurant, where they met Joyce and her son, Dominic, who was in John’s class. Phoebe introduced herself as Ursula, John’s sister from Austria, and spoke with a convincing accent. Phoebe said yes to Joyce’s invitation to all dine together because she wanted to play matchmaker with John and Joyce. John told Joyce a phony story about how he got tired of teaching teenagers so he decided to teach kindergarten. Later on, Phoebe told John that he needed to handle his job like any other police situation by showing no fear. The next day, John played a new game called Police School to discipline the children. He was the sheriff and the children were his deputy trainees, and they had no more parents or bathroom breaks. He was also their PE teacher and trained the kids to freeze whenever they heard his whistle, and to follow directions, as well as get out of the building in less time during a fire drill, and act in a well-mannered way. John noticed then that the bedtime story “When We Were Very Young,” that the children wanted to hear before naptime was the one he used to read to his son Alex. John said he and his wife were divorced and Alex lived with his mom, but John wouldn’t say much more and told the kids to go to sleep because it wasn’t a teacher’s place to explain divorce situations to the children as every family and person is different and that is up to the parents to talk to their children about. Teacher Joyce snuck into John’s class and invited John to dinner at her house, and he agreed, as the young ones lay on their sleeping mats. Back at the motel room, John noticed a new car parked outside. He went into the bedroom with his gun and saw Phoebe naked in bed with her chef fiancé, Henry Shoop, who came to see her as a surprise for her birthday.Meanwhile, John had wanted to speak to Zach’s mom and left her several messages that she didn’t answer, and he was able to catch up to her after school. She explained that the bruises on Zach’s legs were from his dad beating him (and her too), and she begged John not to tell anyone or get the school involved because her husband was going to counseling. John agreed and said he would press charges against Zach’s dad if he did it again. Eleanor paid a man at a market to secretly give Cindy a bag of drugs that she paid for.John learned that the Sullivans weren’t related to the Crisps, and Phoebe gave John wine and flowers to give to Joyce for their date. Dominic brought John to his secret hiding spot in the backyard and said that he planned to put up lasers on the tower antenna nearby at night to protect him and his mom from the bad people, which John thought was odd. John told Joyce that Dominic was saying things about having to move away from the bad people and leaving in the middle of the night, and Joyce was surprised that Dominic remembered that. John asked Joyce about her ex-husband, and Joyce explained that Dominic didn’t remember his dad and Joyce wanted to keep it that way because her ex-husband was a walking nightmare who tried to kidnap Dominic after they left criminal Cullen. Joyce went on to say that she didn’t want that man to find out where they were now and she didn’t want her son to pay for the mistake she made by marrying someone she didn’t know all about (crime family gang). She added that she told Dominic his dad lived in France when he really lived in California. John promised he wouldn’t tell anyone what Joyce told him.  Later on, Phoebe told John that Joyce’s salary was pathetic and single mom got paid less as a teacher than Phoebe did as an officer, not to mention Joyce didn’t live like a millionaire and had less than $1,000 in her bank account. John told Phoebe to look for offshore accounts under Dominic or Baby Crisp’s name. Jillian, a student’s mom, then brought prizes for the raffle tickets to school that included a bicycle and a white mini pony. Joyce told John that she was glad she told them what she did. Zach’s mom dropped him off at school in a rush another day, and John noticed the welt on the back of Zach’s neck. John followed Zach’s mom outside and confronted her, and then John shoved Zach’s dad, who was pretending to be friendly, up against the car and said he would hit him since he hit the kid. John was about to beat the other man up but refrained and told Zach’s dad he was pressing charges after he noticed Miss Schlowski, his class, and two women with babies in strollers watching the scene in the school parking lot. Miss Schlowski told John that she looked into his background and found that he had no teaching experience, and she didn’t know what kind of police officer he was but he was a good teacher. The school principal then wanted to know what it felt like to hit the SOB parent that beat on one of her students, and John replied that it felt great. Shortly after, Cindy, in California, was found dead by police because she overdosed on drugs. The police decided that they would tell Cullen’s wife they were letting Cullen go and he was coming for her and her son, and if she wanted police protection she needed to give the police the $3 million. The next day at the fair, the children recited the Gettysburg address wearing Abe costume beards as they had practiced, and Miss Schlowski introduced John to everyone in hopes he would become a permanent teacher and not just a substitute. Phoebe told John the situation and they decided to tell Joyce that they were police officers and knew she was really Rachel Myatt Crisp. They explained that Cullen was coming for Joyce and Dominic if she didn’t tell them where the money was. Joyce was upset and said there was no money and Cullen was just after Dominic, and she left the school and and went home with her son.Meanwhile, Cullen and Eleanor made it to town. He tried to buy a racecar track from a man named Daryl who was buying it for his son for Christmas, but Daryl refused. Cullen then attempted to give Daryl $200 in cash as he was leaving the store, but Daryl wouldn’t take it so Cullen knocked Daryl out and stole the toy. He found Eleanor at the pharmacy, where she was buying children’s medicine and said she planned to stuff it down Dominic’s throat like she did Cullen’s as a “precaution,” since Dominic wasn’t sick. John went to Joyce’s house, where she explained that Dominic disappeared to do something with his lasers. John knew where Dominic was, and he rescued the boy down from the tower ladder where he was trying to put the lasers up. Joyce put Dominic to bed and told John that Cullen told everyone that Joyce stole his money so there would be creeps following her and Dominic hoping for a reward. John said that Joyce could trust him, and she said she couldn’t because he said that once and then he turned out to be a cop. Joyce added that John would do the same thing with his son if he were Joyce. John replied that he lied to Joyce about seeing Alex all the time because he hadn’t seen him in seven years and meant nothing to Alex, and Alex’s mom didn’t want John to be part of her son’s life. John said he was telling Joyce that because he didn’t want to lose her or Dominic (the new family that John loved), and John swore that they would never have to run from Cullen again. John and Joyce passionately kissed. The next day at school, John brought Phoebe to his class to tell them to never talk to strangers. Cullen went to the elementary school told Miss Schlowski that he was Mr. Green and was taking a look at the schools in the area before he and his wife bought a house there, so the principal showed the strange man around inside the school. Cullen spotted Dominic in the classroom, and he went back to the car to get a gun from Eleanor. Cullen snuck into the library and poured flammable liquid on the books to cause a fire. The fire alarm went off with real smoke this time, and everyone filed out of the school the way they practiced it with Dominic taking the ferret. During the chaos, Cullen grabbed Dominic and ran with him. The kids remembered their stranger danger lesson and screamed “stranger,” pointing at Cullen taking Dominic hostage, so John knew which way to go. John ran after Cullen and burst in on a room where two older students were making out on a lounge. He pulled his gun on them and told them to get out because the building was on fire, and they did and said they thought it was another drill. The firemen wouldn’t let Phoebe inside to find Dominic even though she flashed her police badge, and one fireman told the officer he would call her if he ever needed a ticket fixed. Phoebe grabbed her gun and ran around to the back entrance. Eleanor sat outside in the getaway car and ran officer Phoebe over with her car causing serious harm. Eleanor got out of her vehicle and took the officer’s gun, as she lay injured on the ground. Joyce left her students alone and ran back into the building to find John. Cullen brought Dominic into a room and told him he was a fireman who helped people, but Dominic wasn’t fooled because the man had no hat. Cullen confirmed that he was no jerk fireman and then told the boy that he was his dad. He tried to convince Dominic that they had the same kind of hands, but Dominic didn’t recognize him and said his dad lived in France. Cullen then shook Dominic hard and told him that his mom lied about that and Cullen was his dad. Dominic didn’t want to hear that Cullen had been searching for him for five years and instead jumped off the table and screamed for help. Cullen put his hand over the boy’s mouth and screamed that he was his dad and Dominic had to do what he said, and then Cullen ran through the building with Dominic. They met up with Joyce, and she and Cullen got into an argument which resulted in Cullen punching Joyce in the face and Dominic running off and hiding. The psycho male caught the little boy near the urinals and said he really loved Dominic as he held a gun on the boy. Cullen had told the scared child earlier that they would start a new family. John came up behind Cullen and Cullen told John to drop his gun because he was going crazy and losing it, about to go psycho again and shoot Dominic. John put his gun down, and Cullen screamed that the boy was his and told John to get his own goddamn family. The ferret hiding in Dominic’s jacket then bit Cullen on the neck, and Cullen shot John in the leg as Dominic ran off. John grabbed his gun and shot the dangerous criminal Cullen multiple times in the chest while John was down from his own gunshot wound caused by the crazy Cullen. Joyce ran to get Dominic and the ferret ran over to John as he tried to stand up. However, evil Eleanor came on scene and shot John in the shoulder with officer Phoebe’s gun. John was able to hide in the bathroom separate from Joyce and Dominic. Eleanor saw her son lying lifeless on the floor, and she took another gun’s cartridge out to put in the gun she was holding. Eleanor then walked over to John sitting up against the wall and asked the officer where her grandson was. She shot twice into the stall above John’s head getting closer each time she asked and he said he didn’t know where Dominic was. Phoebe came into the room and knocked Eleanor down with a wooden baseball bat, and as Eleanor was on the floor unconscious Phoebe told her she wasn’t so tough without her car to run people over with. In the next scene, other officers in uniform were now on site and seen exiting the school building with the paramedics. John was wheeled out in a gurney to be taken to the hospital, and the kindergarten kids ran after the emergency vehicle with John inside as Principal Schlowski attempted, but failed, to keep the young kids out of the street. Phoebe visited John in the hospital as he told the nurse he hated Jell-O, and Phoebe gave John a kiss on the lips. Henry then came into the room with flowers and goodies and John was invited to Henry and Phoebe’s wedding and he said he wouldn’t miss it for the world. Later on, John was semi-recovered and out of the hospital, and he returned to the school where Principal Schlowski took him to the kindergarten classroom, handed him his whistle and told him the kids were all his. The children were happy to see John. Joyce heard the commotion across the hall and excused herself from her class to go next door and greet John. The movie ended with the elementary teachers making out passionately in front of the young children who cheered them on. This movie had a budget of $26 million and grossed over $200 million at the box office. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Joel Sigel, Good Morning America, “Kindergarten Cop gets straight A’s!” Ralph Novak, People Magazine, “Totally enjoyable.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/3/23

TITLE: War of the Worlds (based on the book by H.G. Wells)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2005  Dreamworks Pictures / Paramount Pictures /

Amblin Entertainment / Cruise/Wagner Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a narration about how jealous aliens spied on Earth from afar and plotted their evil plans against their human victims. Ray Ferrier worked at the dock moving shipping containers in New Jersey, and he walked out of work telling his boss to get someone else to move a bunch of crates. Ray went home to greet his estranged children; 10-year-old daughter Rachel and teenage son Robbie. Ray’s pregnant ex-wife Mary Ann and her new husband Tim dropped off the kids so the married adults could go alone to see Mary Ann’s parents in Boston. The news reported that freakish lightning storms were causing blackouts in the Ukraine. Ray told Robbie to come outside and play baseball, and Robbie did but mouthed off about how his stepdad Tim paid for his school so what did Ray care if Robbie (calling both Tim and Ray by their first names) flunked school and didn’t do his homework that his mom told him to do before she left. Ray threw the ball hard at Robbie and he called Ray an a-hole, and Ray told Robbie not to be a dick so Robbie purposefully didn’t catch the ball and it broke Ray’s house window.Rachel tried to give Ray advice about how to handle Robbie then. Ray asked Rachel if she was his mother or Robbie’s and said he was going to take a nap because he had to work for a living. Ray told Rachel to order something for dinner. Ray was regretting that when the kids ordered gross health food. Robbie didn’t come to dinner and Rachel told Ray that her brother took off in Ray’s car. When Ray went outside, there were dozens of onlookers staring at strange clouds in the sky. They all went to their backyards to watch the sky as the wind suddenly picked up and blew towards the storm. The wind stopped as soon as it had started, and people went inside when bad lightning without thunder lit up the sky. Rachel was frightened and wanted Ray to go back inside the house with her but he told her that it was cool like the Fourth of July. He started singing the Star-Spangled Banner but cut off the song and tripped over chairs running inside with Rachel when the lightning got worse. Ray and Rachel hid under the table, and she was concerned for her brother and father’s well being. The electricity went out and even the wireless phones and watches weren’t working, and when Ray went outside he found Robbie in the street. Robbie explained that he went to Lincoln Avenue by the churchand everything, including vehicles, stopped working because of the lightning. Ray told Robbie to stay inside with his sister and threatened to call the cops on his son if Robbie stole Ray’s car with no drivers’ license and no permission again. The lightning struck Lincoln Avenue 26 times, and then large cracks in the ground appeared as the street broke apart and glass shattered everywhere, as the streets in the city looked like a terrorist attack. The police tried to get the situation under control and told the onlookers to stay back, but the people didn’t listen and watched as a hole appeared in front of the crumbling church. A giant extraterrestrial machine called a Tripod jumped out of the hole and the movie producers had the police officers run off with the crowd. Eventually, the citizens became so curious that they stood around on Van Buren Street videoing the Tripod. The Tripod then caused even worse destruction by shooting laser beams at people and caused them to disappear and only their clothes to be left behind. Rachel and Robbie were anxiously waiting for news, but Ray walked right past them into the house like a zombie. The kids pointed out the dust all over Ray, and he quickly washed it off and that snapped him out of his trance. He told the kids to get food and batteries while he hid his small handgun in the back of his pants because they had only a minute or two before the pandemic caught up to their area and thus Ray wanted to be long gone. Ray stole a car and tried to convince Manny the mechanic to come with them. Rachel was in hysterical tears when Ray told Manny that he either got into the car or he would die. As soon as Manny said he couldn’t go and closed the door, he died when he was zapped. None of the trio wore seatbelts as Ray sped off driving recklessly and drovee between the lines of non-working cars stuck in the road. Bridges and overpasses fell on top of houses and demolished them, and Ray told the kids that they had the only working car and he wasn’t stopping until they were out of there. Ray told Rachel to shut up with her screaming and Robbie was able to calm Rachel down for the moment. Ray explained that machines came out of the ground and started torching everyone, and they were not terrorists from Europe but someplace else. Rachel started screaming again because she wanted her mom, so Ray continued to drive to Mary Ann and Tim’s house nearby. However, Mary Ann and Tim had already left for Boston so they were not at their house. Ray decided to make sandwiches by dumping the bread on the table. He started slopping peanut butter onto the bread until Rachel said she was allergic to peanut butter since birth (which Ray didn’t know), and when both she and Robbie said they weren’t hungry Ray threw the sandwiches at the window. They slept in the basement and were woken up in the middle of the night by light flashing in the windows and the house shaking. They managed to escape the basement and slept in another dark room, and the next morning Ray went outside to discover that a large airplane, now in pieces, had smashed through their house and also destroyed the other houses. A female from CBS 2 news showed Ray footage from inside her van proving that aliens rode down to the ground on the lightning from outer space to operate their death machines, which had been buried underground for a long time. The news van started to pack up and leave, and the female shut the door in Ray’s face after she found out he wasn’t on the plane because she thought him being the only survivor would have been a good story. Ray told Rachel to keep her eyes closed so she wouldn’t see the destruction as he carried her to the car. Ray planned to get to the Hudson ferry so they could go to Boston. Ray had it out with Robbie in the car telling him to only call him Dad, sir, or Mr. Ferrier because he’d had it with his son calling him by his first name. Rachel said she had to go to the bathroom, so Ray stopped the car alongside the road. Ray told Rachel to stay in sight but she didn’t want to go to the bathroom in front of her dad so she went into the woods. When Rachel got to the water’s edge (without having gone potty yet), she saw dozens of dead bodies floating downstream. Ray snuck up behind Rachel and covered her eyes telling her that was why she was supposed to stay where he could see her. Dozens of army vehicles drove by the car and Robbie tried to get one of them to stop and give him a ride so they could go back to where they came from and destroy the Tripods since Robbie was convinced that Ray was only going to Boston in hopes Mary Ann would be there so Ray could drop the kids off with her and go back to only caring about himself. Ray and Robbie took turns driving, and when they made it to the Hudson ferry there were hundreds of people gathered around beating on the car and jumping on the hood because they wanted a ride. Ray wouldn’t stop and one guy fell off the hood, and then Ray crashed into an electrical pole when he swerved to avoid hitting a female carrying a baby. The crowd then smashed the windows and dragged Ray and Robbie out of the car, and Rachel didn’t get out as a bunch of people piled in around her and were going to steal the car. Ray shot off his gun and everyone stopped pushing and shoving, but then another man pointed a bigger gun at Ray’s head and told him to put his gun down because he was taking the car. Ray dropped the gun and told the man that he only wanted his daughter, and the man let Ray pull Rachel out of the car before he drove away. Everyone waited around for the ferry but then started running in panic when they spotted a Tripod approaching. The military formed a barricade between the people and the ramp in an attempt to keep them back because they couldn’t take any more people even though there was room for more. Ray and his kids got onto the ferry but were separated from Ray’s friend Sheryl and her daughter Nora who they wanted to take with them. Robbie helped the people who were dangling from the ramp get onto the ferry. A Tripod then emerged from the ocean and flipped the ferry over, and cars fell on top of people as more Tripods grabbed people and pulled them into their alien ships. Ray and the kids swam to shore and joined the hundreds of others walking across the fields. When Robbie tried to run towards the military to see them firing machine guns at the Tripods in the distance. Ray pinned Robbie down to stop him. Robbie convinced Ray to let him go because the teen boy wanted to stay and probably die (watch the military get blown up) instead of leaving and possibly surviving. Ray left Robbie to go it alone. Ray ran back to get Rachel from a couple who were taking her away because they thought she was alone. A man named Harlan Ogilvy shouted for Ray and Rachel to come to his basement. Ray reassured Rachel that Robbie would meet them in Boston and Mary Ann and the rest of the family was waiting for them. Ray noticed for the first time the horse ribbon Rachel had been carrying with her, which was third place for Walk, Trot and Canter. Harlan was a former ambulance driver who had lost all of his family and told Ray that the aliens had been planning for millions of years how they were going to use the Tripods to exterminate humankind. Harlan told Ray that he had to keep his eyes open if he wanted to live and running would kill him. A group of alien creatures then meticulously and slowly searched the basement and Ray, Rachel and Harlan stayed one step ahead of them. Harlan loaded his gun and planned to shoot the aliens, and he and Ray silently wrestled with the gun. Harlan got the gun back, but the aliens had left by then because they found the photo of the adult woman with a baby that they searched for in the basement files. Ray concluded that he and Harlan weren’t on the same page because Harlan wanted to lead a resistance against the Tripods and destroy them. Ray witnessed a Tripod outside using a tube to drink one of its human victims’ blood, and Harlan kept digging his tunnel in hopes it would lead to the city. Ray took drastic measures and blindfolded Rachel and told her to sing a lullaby and keep her hands over her ears while Ray then closed the door and possibly killed Harlan. Ray and Rachel then left. Later that night, an alien arm came into the basement and woke them up so Ray used an axe to chop at it. Rachel ran outside screaming, and Ray went to find her amidst the strings of blood covering everything. A Tripod grabbed Rachel and then Ray, and they were both taken to a cage on the outside of the machine where dozens of other people were in hysterics, except for Rachel who was in a traumatized trance-like state. When the alien creature grabbed Ray to be sucked inside the machine, everyone worked together to free Ray after Ray had released two bombs inside the Tripod. The robot crashed to the ground and freed all the people trapped. The survivors then walked and made it to Boston. There were crows eating the blood strings while the military kept everyone walking in lines (no police presence). Ray asked a soldier what happened to a motionless Tripod, and the soldier explained that it behaved erratically, walked in circles and went down on its own about an hour ago. The Tripod then powered back on and Ray commanded the military soldiers to kill the Tripod since it was weakened, so the military used Javelin missiles and fired at the alien robot. The Tripod went down then. The military tried to keep everyone back as blood gushed out of the machine and then the alien inside crawled out and died. Ray carried Rachel to her grandparents’ house (perfectly intact), where Rachel and Mary Ann hugged and were happy to see each other. Robbie was there too because the young teen alone somehow made it to Boston before his dad and sister. The movie ended with the narrator saying, “From the moment the invaders arrived, breathed our air, ate and drank, they were doomed. They were undone, destroyed, after all of man’s weapons and devices had failed, by the tiniest creatures that God, in His wisdom, put upon this Earth. By the toll of a billion deaths, man had earned his immunity, his right to survive among this planet’s infinite organisms. And that right is ours against all challenges, for neither do men live, nor die, in vain.”This movie had a budget of $132 million and grossed over $603 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed Joel Siegel, Good Morning America, “Steven Spielberg at his best.” Claudia Puig, USA Today, “Explosive non-stop action!” Michael Wilmington, Chicago Tribune, “…rivets and amazes…”  Gene Shalit, Today, “Tom’s Cruise’s finest performance.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/2/23

TITLE: Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2003  Paramount Pictures /Happy Madison Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The main character of this movie is Dickie Roberts, a former child star in the 70s TV series, The Glimmer Gang by NBC. Dickie’s mother, Peggy, wanted to be in showbiz but felt her career slowed down when she got pregnant with Dickie, and his father was supposedly David Soul from Starsky and Hutch (but it was never confirmed.) Peggy’s attitude to Dickie’s acting was she would dress him up however the producers wanted, even if it meant making the boy look like a girl so he could get the part for Pippi Longstocking. Dickie became very famous and his catch phrase was “Nucking Futs.” Six years after the Glimmer Gang first aired, it lost popularity and Peggy moved out of the area and left young Dickie on his own. In present day, adult Dickie was an eccentric valet who parked cars for Morton’s Restaurant in Hollywood and hoped to make a comeback in acting. He went on the Celebrity Boxing TV show as a competitor against dwarfed gangster boxer Emmanuel Lewis, and the show featured a female walking around half-naked in her tiny bikini to give the audience an added show with almost all of her breasts showing. Emmanuel beat Dickie up and won, and the story was all over the front page of the news.Dickie and his girlfriend Cyndi’s car then broke down alongside the road and he was tried to fix it. Cyndi was mad that they were broke and Dickie refused to publish his autobiography because he claimed he had to wait to be famous before he could publish it so the ending was better. Dickie then accidentally flipped the car down the hill and it went up in flames, and half-shirt wearing Cyndi thumbed down a two-seater car and sped off with the stud behind the wheel. When Dickie found out about the new Rob Reiner movie, Mr. Blake’s Backyard, Dickie wanted to get a part in it so he borrowed a customer’s car from his valet job and drove off to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in hope of finding celebrities who could get him it contact with Reiner. Tom Arnold was no help and Dickie was told to leave because he wasn’t an alcoholic. Dickie encountered a man who was holding up the light, and then Dickie had a moment of road rage calling the man names before speeding off. Dickie told his agent, Sidney Wernick, over the phone that he wasn’t worried about the guy tracking him down and beating him up because he was in someone else’s car with tinted windows. Dickie went to another meeting and told everyone that he was a whiskey-puking alkie, but it turned out to be a Lamaze class. Dickie met up with Brendan Fraser outside, who was at the class with his pregnant wife. She reminded Dickie that they knew each other because three years ago he hit on her, she shot him down, and then he stole her number from a friend and drunk-dialed her many times trying to set up a booty call. Brendan agreed to do Dickie a favor and called Rob. Later that night, Dickie played cards with his buddies and they discussed how People Magazine gave the title of “Sexiest Man Alive,” to George Clooney and they didn’t agree. They also didn’t like how Brad Pitt changed his hair every day, and they called Dickie a jealous dick for suggesting that Vin Diesel was Chinese, to which Dickie replied that Vin lent him money one time. Dickie added that being a star made him feel loved by his mom and everyone else and he wanted that back. Brendan was able to get Dickie a meeting with Rob the following day. Rob said he wasn’t casting for another few months and told Dickie that he had the right appearance for the part but wasn’t a real person and he would have to find out what it was like to be normal and relive his childhood before Rob would even consider casting him. Dickie told Sidney that he was going to sell his book for the money to hire a family and do Operation Re-do Childhood, and Dickie wanted the chapters about him having a whistle and light bulb stuck up his butt cut out. The publishers gave Dickie a $30,000 advance on the book, and he put an ad in the paper offering $20,000 plus room and board to anyone who would agree to treat Dickie, a celebrity, like a child and let him live with them for a month. Dickie got 67 messages from people wanting the money, and he went to meet with them and turned them all down. There was one scary guy with a vicious dog chained up outside and another man who didn’t have a family but felt the need to take his robe off in front of Dickie and make moaning noises after he said it was hot in the room. Dickie then went to the Finney house, where it turned out George Finney answered the ad and wanted Dickie to live with them because he loved the Glimmer Gang. George’s wife Grace didn’t know, but he was able to convince his wife to let Dickie stay with the family and sleep in the same room as their two young children, Sam and Sally (because Dickie was a celebrity). Dickie revealed to Sidney that David Soul was not his father and the only memory he did have of his dad was having fun playing Candy Land. Dickie added that Sidney was the one there for him when both of his parents abandoned and deserted him at different times in his youth. Dickie filled up his water bed, and the kids told him not to do that because it was a Water Wiggle toy but he did it anyway and the hose flipped all over the backyard spraying water everywhere. Sam and Sally took Dickie to the garage to show him their toys from when they were younger. Dickie had a breakdown and mentioned a bunch of people calling him a loser and telling him he sucked, and then he threw one of the toys and broke it. Later that night at dinner, Sidney told Dickie over the phone that he saw Sean Penn at Rob’s office but Sidney struck up a friendship with Rob’s security people. Dickie replied that everything was going great and he would nail the part like Jesus the Carpenter. Dickie then got up to go drain the main vein, and while he was gone Sam and Sally told Grace that they didn’t want Dickie staying at the house. The kids suggested that Dickie live in the old treehouse out back that they didn’t think was cool, and Dickie had a disco party and made the kids think twice about the treehouse. They hung out and told scary stories until a tarantula crawled on Dickie’s shoulder and they all went inside screaming inside. Dickie was back in his bed in the kids’ room, and when he had a nightmare Grace sang him a lullaby. Once she closed the door, Dickie said that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. Dickie went on to say that Grace was hot and asked the kids about their mom’s backyard and if she had the G-string or the big old grannies with the louvers. Dickie said he was betting on the sweet thong and then told Sam to pretend Grace wasn’t his mom so he could ask him if he thought his mom’s breasts were real. Dickie thought they were real because it was like “boing,” when he bumped into them the other day, but the kids were disgusted so Dickie told them to have nice G-rated dreams full of prudishness. The next day, Dickie was playing on the Slip N’ Slide and decided water wasn’t good enough, so he poured Wesson on the slide and ending up sliding into the fence and smashing it. Dickie then decided to go to the store and buy a six-pack of beer to share with Sam and Sally, but they said they were kids and were only supposed to think about being able to drink beer in the future. Dickie said that when he was their age he did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and Sally suggested that was why Dickie was so messed up as an adult. Dickie then revealed that he bought the kids root beer, and they all guzzled cans. Dickie burped the ABCs and told the kids he wanted to bang their mother, but then Grace walked into the room. The next morning, George wanted Dickie to come to his salesman job at the car dealership, (celebrity appearance to boost sales). George convinced his wife Grace to push Dickie down the street in a stroller, and Mrs. Gertrude the next-door neighbor stopped Grace and told her that it was a nuisance how the leaves from the Finney tree were getting on the Gertrude lawn. Mrs. Gertrude said Dickie was too big for that stroller, so Dickie said she was too big for the sidewalk and made more mean remarks about her weight. Mrs. Gertrude stormed off, and then a man approached them and wanted a picture of the washed-up actor. Dickie put the camera down the front of his pants and took pictures of his private parts, and Grace was upset and suggested that Dickie change his appearance so people wouldn’t recognize him. Dickie liked that idea and said that Grace was sexy and a smart mommy. At the dealership, Dickie tried to tell a joke about two gay monkeys who went to Istanbul. George interrupted him and went on about how he had been married to Grace for 14 years and they had two kids, but he didn’t know if the kids were nice because he was hardly ever around them. George added that Dickie was the thing that was going to make him happy, and Dickie said he wasn’t into dudes anymore if that was what George was suggesting. George explained that he should be able to get something out of Dickie since Dickie was getting something out of George’s family. Dickie’s attempt to dye his hair brown didn’t work out well, and when he went to pick the kids up from school there were two boys bullying Sam and calling him a prissy sissy. One of them called Sally a bit**, so Dickie threatened the bullies and ended up giving them two middle fingers to send them running. In the car, Grace announced that she was going to an interview for an interior design job but she didn’t know that area of the city. Dickie spotted a couple of fire trucks in front of them, so he called 911 to report a fake fire at the address where the interview was and told Grace to follow the fire trucks. Back at the house, Grace was upset and wanted Dickie out of the house because he was a bad influence who was trampling on people and breaking the law to get what he wanted. Dickie’s waterbed then broke and caused water damage, and Grace kicked him out with him saying that he was a mess and he wore gloves all the time since he was afraid to physically touch anything or anyone. Mrs. Gertrude spoke up and told them to take the fight inside the house, and Grace told neighbor Mrs. Gertrude to blow it up her a** because it was between Grace and her family. Popeye the family dog then walked up with a dead rabbit in his mouth, and Grace realized it was the Gertrudes’ pet rabbit. Dickie washed the dead rabbit in the tub and announced that he would put it back in its cage so when the Gertrudes got home, they would think their pet died of natural causes. However, it turned out the Gertrudes buried the rabbit two days ago because it died, and now they believed Satan was haunting them and it was a devil rabbit because it was back in its cage. Dickie chimed in that was a sign from hell and the Gertrudes should move out of their house, and they did so Grace agreed to let Dickie stay and give him a second chance because she was glad to see the Gertrudes gone. Another day, Dickie, Sally, Sam and all his buddies tried to teach Dickie how to ride a bike and he had a lot of painful wipeouts running into things and falling in the street. Dickie wanted Grace’s help to make his normal thing work, and she agreed as long as Dickie started with taking the gloves off. He was reluctant and said that was like asking Grace to take her top off but he took the gloves off. George then came home and wasn’t happy about the people plastering the house for the water damages, and he also wasn’t happy that it was Grace’s idea for Dickie to dye his hair because George had plans for him and wanted to feature Dickie in a commercial. Grace argued that Dickie was a human being and not some product for George to use. George stormed off, and Dickie told Grace that was the nicest thing anyone said for him and she replied that Dickie would be easy to please as far as Hallmark cards went. Grace went on to say that it was a possibility she and George might split up because he made her feel guilty for wanting to have a career as if it made her less of a mom. Dickie replied that they didn’t write TV moms as well as Grace, and she said that was the nicest compliment she had ever heard. Dickie then dyed his hair back to normal. Sally wanted help with her pep squad tryouts, and Dickie agreed to help because he claimed to have been a backup dancer for Vanilla Ice at some time or another. At the competition, Heather Bolan, the most popular girl in the elementary school, wore a half-shirt and danced sexy. Dickie coughed and said Heather was a slut. Sally then got a standing ovation for her dance routine to Ride Like the Wind (to the border of Mexico). Dickie wanted Grace to read the script for the movie because he said he couldn’t make sense of it, and she said it was a wonderful story. She explained that it was about billionaire Mr. Blake who wanted to build the biggest house in the world on a plot of land thinking it would make him happy. He didn’t realize that the bigger the house became, the smaller the heaven in his backyard got. He fell in love with his housekeeper Esmeralda, and when she suddenly died Mr. Blake tore down the house and lived in a shack in the backyard to be near Esmerelda because she went to heaven. Dickie said he still didn’t understand it, and Grace refused to let Dickie drink coffee which he had been drinking since he was three. Cyndi then showed up at the house and explained that the guy she hitchhiked with kidnapped her, but she escaped and now she was there to be with Dickie again. George, obviously lusting after Cyndi (and Grace noticed), said it would be okay for Cyndi to stay in the den if they upped Dickie’s rent. That night, Dickie told Cyndi about the family and she said he didn’t change like he thought he had when he denied that he had been thinking about “mom” Grace in a sexual way. Dickie turned Cyndi down for sex, so she told him to put out the candles she lit but instead he dripped candle wax on Cyndi to set her on fire. Sam had a crush on Barbie, the girl who just moved in next door, so Dickie and Sam danced a love song to Barbie. Sam asked Barbie to go to a movie with him and she agreed. Dickie then saw on the news that Rob was the victim of a road rage incident in which he was stopped at a red light and a large angry man pulled him out of his car and beat him for more than a minute. Sidney called Dickie and told him that Rob was about to have a kidney transplant, and in order to get Dickie an audition Sidney gave Rob one of his kidneys. Grace helped Dickie get ready by having him act out a scene of Christmas morning and finding the red bicycle he wanted under the tree. When Cyndi was mentioned, young Sally did what Dickie did and coughed that Cyndi was a slut. Grace then gave Dickie a gift because she said he was good to their family, and the gift was Candy Land. Dickie was emotional that Grace remembered and she said that was what moms did. The family and Dickie (minus dad George) played Candy Land together. The next day at the hospital where he conducted his audition in front of Rob, Dickie got the part. When Dickie came out of the hospital, the gay man from earlier kissed Dickie on his lips and asked Dickie if it was hot out there and then undid the front of his own shirt. When Dickie got back home, everyone was upset because George and Cyndi ran off together. Dickie told Grace that he was going to Hawaii and would be there for six months. Grace said it was going to happen sooner or later and George was never really into marriage or fatherhood and it was his fault, not Dickie’s. Dickie confirmed that Cyndi took the rest of his money, but he said it was about something more than the money. Grace told Dickie to go find his happiness wherever it took him. Dickie did and before long Dickie was all over the news and back in the spotlight like he wanted all along. Dickie met with celebrities, and his picture was even featured in Rolling Stone as a half-goat person with two females, one being naked except for flowers on the very tips of her private parts. On Christmas morning, Grace told the kids that she couldn’t afford too many presents for them that year. When they came downstairs, they found dozens of presents from Dickie, who appeared and said that he was staying. He added that he said no to the movie, so now Hollywood wanted him all the more and he could have different parts in the future. Dickie then created a family-based sitcom about his experiences and had Leif Garret play Dickie’s character. The show was in the top ten and won four Emmys. Dickie’s card-playing buddies had a weekly spot on the sitcom, Grace did set design, Sam wrote jokes and Sally was the youngest choreographer in TV. George and Cyndi’s romance didn’t work out when she threw a champagne bottle at the back of his head and it led to him having walking amnesia so he was last seen hitchhiking into the desert to find himself. Cyndi found her way back to Dickie again and begged Dickie for a job so he made her a guest on his show for the episode “Cyndi Gets Poison Oak,” and that led to a spin-off with Cyndi called “The Bit** Who Didn’t Know She Was a Bit**.” Millions of Americans tuned in to the sitcom’s wedding show which reflected Dickie’s real-life marriage to the love of his life, Grace. That was the story of Dickie Roberts: The E! True Hollywood Story. The following showbiz actors listed in the movie credits had appearances in the movie or music video: Brendan Fraser, Emmanuel Lewis, Leif Garrett, Tom Arnold, Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady who sang a song with the f-word), Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady directing Marcia), Barry Williams, Danny Bonaduce, Corey Feldman, Dustin Diamond, Rob Reiner, Jann Carl, Lisa Joyner, Willie Aames, Fred Berry, Todd Bridges, Gary Coleman, Jeff Conaway, Tony Dow, Corey Haim, Chris Knight, Barry Livingston, Mike Lookinland, Eddie Mekka, Jeremy Miller, Erin Moran, Haywood Nelson, Jay North, Ron Palillo, Butch Patrick Lilly, Jonathan Loughran, Peter Dante, Paul Petersen, Adam Rich, Rodney Allen Rippy, Marion Ross, Ernest Thomas, and Charlene Tilton. They sang, “Child Stars On Your Television,” with swear words and mentioned how they didn’t sleep with chimpanzees. The movie cover art listed Shawn Edwards, Fox-TV, “Insanely funny!” Also, Bill Zwecker, Chicago Sun-Times, “I laughed until I cried.” 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 10/1/23

TITLE: Mulan II

BOX OFFICE RATED: G (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004  Walt Disney Pictures / Walt Disney Animation Japan / 

Walt Disney Home Entertainment / Disney Toon Studios

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie takes place in China in the Middle Kingdom and began with all the little village girls wanting to be just like Mulan, the young woman who saved China and the Emperor from the Huns a month before by pretending to be a man and taking her father Zhou’s place in the army so he wouldn’t have to fight since he was already injured. Mulan gave the girls a quick warrior lesson. They were interrupted when General Li Shang proposed to Mulan and she happily accepted. Zhou and Mulan’s grandmother had been betting on when Shang would propose, and Zhou won. Mulan’s guardian dragon, Mushu, wanted to plan the wedding, but Mulan turned down his ideas for themes like Rainbow of Memories and Think Pink. Mushu wasn’t so excited when Mulan’s ancestor spirits gave Mushu the pink slip and informed him that since Mulan was getting married, her husband’s ancestors would become her guardian. The ancestors were happy that Mushu was no longer needed and was going back to gong duty waking people up because he irritated the spirits by always bragging about what a hero he was. The Emperor then called for Mulan and Shang to appear at the Imperial Palace. Before they left Mulan’s parents, Li and Zhou, gave her and Shang their yin and yang necklaces to help them remember that differences were good after they noticed that Mulan and Shang rarely agreed on the same thing. Mushu then realized that he could get his job back if he broke the engagement up. Mushu and his cricket companion, Cri-Kee, followed Mulan and Shang to the palace, where the Emperor told them that enemy Mongol forces were approaching their borders. Instead of using force, the Emperor wanted to form an alliance with the kingdom of Qui Gong so the Mongol forces wouldn’t attack. Mulan and Shang were instructed to take the Emperor’s three daughters, Princesses Mei, Ting-Ting and Su, to Qui Gong to marry Lord Chin’s sons they had never met and create the alliance. It would all be for nothing if the princesses didn’t arrive in Qui Gong within three days, and Shang chose three soldiers, Ling, Yao and Chien-Po, to accompany them and guard the princesses. The village matchmaker was unable to find wives for Lord Chin’s three sons because they wanted woman who would cook for them all day, worship the ground they walked on and think they were gods. Mulan didn’t like the idea of the princesses marrying for advantage, but Shang told her that the world wasn’t perfect and if it were, people would marry for love like them. Mei believed she had a romantic connection with Yao and Su thought the she had the same with Chien-Po, but Ting-Ting reminded her younger sisters that they had a duty to their country to go through with the arranged marriages and not be distracted. Mei asked Mulan how she chose between her duty and her heart when she took Zhou’s place in the war, and Mulan replied that she learned her duty was to her heart and Mei took that advice. Mushu decided to play evil pranks on Shang in an attempt to make Pretty Boy Shang look bad in Mulan’s eyes, but none of them worked and Mulan still loved Shang. Mushu then accidentally caused the wagon to roll off a cliff into the water below, and Mulan and Shang just barely saved the princesses, the guards and their supplies. Mulan and Shang then had the classic argument where he wanted to use the map they had while she thought they should ask for directions to Qui Gong. Yao interrupted them and pointed out the forest path, and Mulan and Shang quickly made amends. Ling continued hitting on Ting-Ting, but she refused to fall for him. When Mei protested, Ting-Ting said she knew where her duty was and asked Mei if she knew hers. Mei began writing a letter to her father telling him that she couldn’t complete her mission because her duty was to her heart. Ting-Ting told Mei that it was a princess’s duty to make every sacrifice for her country, but then Mei and Su broke into song about how they wanted to be like other girls and slouch, climb trees and dance in their underwear. Ting-Ting even joined in after she heard that “other girls” didn’t have to wear pinchy shoes. Mushu whispered in Shang’s ear as he slept that night trying to brainwash him and tell him that Mulan was out of control and must be saying awful things behind his back since she laughed at his face. When that didn’t work, Mushu made a dummy that looked like Mulan and positioned it outside Shang’s tent. Shang woke up and saw the shadow of Mulan, with Mushu speaking in Mulan’s voice, telling the dummy princesses that Shang was General Hardhead and wouldn’t brush his teeth without a backup plan. Shang stormed outside and confronted the real Mulan, but of course she didn’t know what he was talking about and argued that she didn’t leave her post. Shang stormed off, and Mushu (the instigator) told Mulan that Shang dind’t trust her and there could be no relationship without trust. Mulan agreed and asked Mushu what she should do, and he suggested she kick Shang out on the curb. Mushu then noticed that the guards and the princesses left together for a night in the festive village, and Mulan went to find them and told Mushu not to wake Shang up. Mushu said okay and then banged pots and pans in Shang’s tent until he woke up. Shang immediately found Mulan’s tracks and followed them away from camp. The three couples all realized they had more in common than they thought after they spent time together, and when Mulan found them she was ecstatic about the young princesses being in love (after spending a couple of hours alone with the men). Shang then arrived and ordered the guards to take the princesses back to their tents and not speak to them ever again. Shang questioned Mulan about the scroll he found with “my duty is to my heart,” and believed she wrote it because that was her phrase. Mei argued that she wrote it and Mulan gave her that advice, but Shang refused to listen and told Mulan that she was the problem because she put her feelings above duty and tradition. Mulan replied again that her duty was to her heart and said Shang was a good soldier but didn’t trust his heart and she wasn’t sure if he had one. Thinking they were too different to get along, they continued on their journey. After Mulan told Mushu that he was her best friend and was always looking out for her, dragon Mushu’s conscience got the better of him and he came clean and confessed that he got between Mulan and Shang so he could keep his job. Mulan was angry but then realized that she and Shang weren’t as different as they thought because Mushu was the problem. Mulan told Mushu that what he did was unforgivable and she hurried off to tell Shang she loved him. However, bandits then ambushed the group. Mulan and Shang fought the bandits off on the bridge, but then the bandits cut the ropes so the bridge was dangling over a ravine. Mulan held onto the bridge while Shang held her hand, and he decided to let go so Mulan could make it to safety since the rope couldn’t hold both of them. Mulan grieved for Shang’s loss but decided she would complete the mission by telling Lord Chin that the princesses were lost along the journey and it would be Mulan’s honor to marry Jeeki, the eldest prince. Lord Chin agreed and said the Golden Dragon of Unity smiled upon Mulan once his advisor informed him that Mulan was the hero of China and would be a jewel in his crown. Jeeki’s opinion of Mulan was she was old, and then Shang appeared to the others and they were happy he was alive. Shang announced that he was going to Qui Gong because Mulan was right and no one should marry someone they didn’t love. Shang refused to let the princesses and their love interests come with him, but they followed him anyway. Shang interrupted the wedding and told everyone that he loved Mulan and wanted to marry her on the spot. Lord Chin protested, and Mushu got an idea and hid inside the Golden Dragon and used a megaphone to make everyone believe the deity was speaking. Mushu said he would decide who to unite, and he quickly married Shang and Mulan and said the princesses were released from their vow and could marry whoever they wanted as Lord Chin groveled at the Dragon’s feet. The princesses and the guards kissed. Back at home, Mushu said he was happy as long as Mulan was happy and was preparing to leave the temple, but then Shang combined the family temples so Mushu could have his pedestal back. Mulan said she told Shang everything about Mushu because she kept no secrets from her husband, and Mushu was happy about that because now Mulan’s ancestors were basically his slaves again giving him baths and massages.The following was listed on the movie cover art: Geoffrey Kleinman, DVD Talk, “…captures the magic of the original.”  Tony Toscano, “…timelessly fun and touching. You’ll want to watch it again and again.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/30/23

TITLE: Wonder Woman 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2017  Warner Bros. Pictures  / DC Films / Tencent Pictures /

Wanda Pictures / Atlas Entertainment / Cruel and Unusual Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The main character of this movie is Diana Prince, a princess female who grew up on the all female island paradise of Themyscira with her Amazon clan, a tribe of all-women warriors. Young Diana was the only child on the island and wanted to be trained to be a warrior like the others. Diana’s aunt Antiope, general of the Amazon army, agreed and wanted to train Diana to defend herself in the event of an invasion, but Diana’s mother, Queen Hippolyta, didn’t want her daughter fighting. Hippolyta explained to Diana that her father, Zeus, was the king of the gods and she was created and born in his image so the gods would have someone to rule over. Zeus called his creation man, and mankind was good. However, Zeus’s son Ares, the god of war, corrupted men’s hearts with jealousy and suspicion and turned them against each other, which resulted in war. The gods created the Amazons to put love back in men’s hearts and bring peace, but it didn’t last and Hippolyta was the one to lead a revolt and restore the peace. The gods helped, and after Ares had killed all the humans, Zeus drove Ares away. Since it was likely that Ares would one day return to finish his mission with an endless war where mankind would be totally destroyed, Zeus, with his dying breath, created a weapon called the Godkiller that was strong enough to kill a god. He also created the island of Themyscira and put a protective shield over it so Ares would never find it. Diana immediately went against her mother and trained for battle with Antiope until Hippolyta found out. Diana said it was her idea, but the queen was angry that her own sister betrayed her. The sisters argued over protecting Diana from Ares because Hippolyta believed that the stronger Diana became, Ares would be able to find her faster. Antiope said that Diana would die if she wasn’t trained to protect herself because Ares was alive and would return soon, and Antiope told Hippolyta that she was neglecting her duty as queen if she didn’t allow Diana to fight. Hippolyta agreed to let Antiope train Diana (to be even stronger than Antiope) as long as Antiope never revealed to Diana what Diana was capable if Diana used her royal and deadly powers (Hippolyta sculpted Diana out of clay and begged Zeus to bring her to life and he did). During training one time when Diana was a young adult, Diana challenged her aunt to a battle in which Diana lost her sword and Antiope went after her. Diana put up her hands and there was a wave of power from the metal guards on her wrists, which knocked Antiope back and left her bleeding on the ground. Diana was confused as to what just happened and went to a clifftop, where she witnessed a plane breaking through the invisible shield around the island and crashing into the ocean. Diana dove off the cliff and into the water to rescue the American British spy pilot, Captain Steve Trevor, from drowning. The German army chased Steve at the time and after Diana rescued Steve, he told Diana that he was the good guy and the Germans were the bad guys. A battle occurred after the Germans came ashore. Bullets then killed many Amazons since the females had only swords and spears to use against the Germans’ guns. Diana and Steve joined the fight, and Antiope jumped in front of a bullet fired at Diana. Before she died, Antiope told Diana to use the Godkiller. Later on after the Germans were defeated, Hippolyta wanted to kill Steve, but it was decided that they would first get information out of him so they would know why they were being invaded. The female warriors wrapped Steve in the Lasso of Hestia, a heated golden rope that forced him to tell the truth or suffer severe pain. Steve explained that he was a captain in the American Expeditionary Forces and he was assigned to British Intelligence, who learned that the German general Erich Ludendorff would be visiting a secret military installation in the Ottoman Empire. Steve said he posed as one of the pilots to get information, and it turned out that the Intel that said the Germans had no soldiers, money or weapons was wrong and the Turks were building bombs and secret weapons for them. Ludendorff’s chief psychopath, female chemist Dr. Isabel Maru (aka Dr. Poison because poisoning people was her specialty) was inventing more deadly gases to use in the war. Steve decided to take matters into his own hands and stole Dr. Maru’s notebook of gas formulas and planned to take it to British Intelligence to save millions of lives and possibly end the war. The Amazons had no knowledge of the ongoing World War I in which millions of people were slaughtered, but now Diana believed that Ares was behind the corruption. Diana wanted the Amazons to help Steve, but the queen, Hippolyta forbid Diana from doing anything and told her that she was not an Amazon like the rest of them. Later on, Diana saw Steve coming out of the bath and she seemed interested by his male body. Steve was startled and covered his frontal private parts with his hand, and then he grabbed his wristwatch and explained to Diana what it was. Steve quickly covered his nude himself with a towel, and Diana explained that the Amazons spoke hundreds of languages and the people were the bridge between greater understanding of all men. Diana added that it was her sacred duty for the Amazons to save the world, but her Queen mother would not allow it so she could not go with Steve as much as she wanted to. Later that night, though, Diana had an idea and sneaked into the Great Tower, where she armed herself with the Godkiller and skimpy armor. She and Steve then made a deal that she would show him how to get off the island if he took her to Ares. Queen Hippolyta caught up to Diana before she left, and she gave Diana her aunt’s headdress and told her to be careful in the world of men because they did not deserve her. Queen Hippolyta added that Diana had been her greatest love and was now her greatest sorrow. Out on the ocean, Steve told Diana that the only thing they could do about the war was to go to London and find the men in charge. Diana argued that “I’m the man who can” and declared that once she found and destroyed Ares, the German armies would be freed from Ares’ influence and the world would be at peace again. Steve was uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping next to Diana on the boat and said that he did sleep with women, but outside the confines of marriage it wasn’t polite to assume. Diana kept pressing about the matter of marriage and asked Steve if they had to be married to sleep together, and he was at his wits’ end trying to explain so he ending up lying next to her. Steve asked Diana if she had a father, and she replied no because her mom sculpted her from clay and Zeus brought her to life. Steve said that where he came from babies were made differently, and Diana replied that she knew all about reproductive biology. She added that she had read all 12 volumes of Clio’s Treatises on Bodily Pleasure and said Steve wouldn’t like them because they concluded that men were essential for procreation but unnecessary for pleasure. Meanwhile in Germany, a soldier was making excuses for the sleep and food-deprived soldiers, and General Ludendorff believed that the only thing wrong with them was that they were weak so he shot the soldier point-blank dead in the head as the other army soldiers witnessed. Dr. Maru gave Ludendorff a new kind of gas that he inhaled regularly to restore his strength. Diana and Steve arrived in London, and he brought her to his secretary, Etta Candy, to get Diana outfitted in something other than her very revealing armor clothes. Diana was going to take off her armor in front of everybody to try on a dress, but Etta and Steve quickly directed her to the dressing room. Diana tried on hundreds of outfits, and Steve decided that number 226 paired with glasses was the one. Diana entrusted her Godkiller and shield to British Etta for temporary safekeeping. Diana and Steve were confronted in an alley by a group of men with guns trying to get the notebook so Diana blocked the bullets with her wristlets and downed the men. They then went to the Council Chamber, where Sir Patrick was thankful for Diana’s presence because he was able to speak about signing an armistice with Germany while all the men stared at the woman in the room since it was an unusual occurrence. Steve gave the notebook to his British superiors to take to cryptography, and they couldn’t figure out what two languages the notebook was written in until Diana spoke up that they were Ottoman and Sumerian. Steve introduced Diana as his secretary, and she read the notebook and announced that Dr. Maru invented a formula for a new type of weaponized mustard gas that was hydrogen-based. The gas masks would be useless against it, and the Germans planned to release the gas at the front. Steve told his superiors that that was their evidence and they needed to find where the gas was being made and burn the facility to the ground along with Ludendorff and Maru. However, the British general refused to send troops into German-occupied Belgium where Ludendorff was last seen because they were currently “negotiating” their surrender. Steve argued that the soldiers on both sides would die if the gas was used, and the general replied that was what soldiers did and he gave Steve an order to do nothing because it was too late in the game to go rogue. Sir Patrick added that the armistice must be negotiated and signed to stop the war. Diana protested that it was wrong to let innocent people die, and where she came from the (all female) generals fought and died alongside their soldiers on the battlefield instead of hiding in their offices. Steve hurried Diana out of there, and later that night he took her to a pub to recruit his buddies Sameer (an expert liar) and Charlie (a marksman) as reinforcements. Sir Patrick gave Steve some money and offered for Etta to use his office to run the mission. Ludendorff was told by officials that the war would be over in 24 hours because they were signing the armistice whether he liked it or not, and Ludendorff told them that it was over for them. He and Dr. Maru then released gas in the room and locked the German officials in there to die. Steve and his group enlisted the help of Chief, a Blackfoot Native American smuggler, to get them to the frontlines. Chief told Diana that he didn’t have a side in the war, but where he was at the moment trading with both sides was good for him since Steve’s people, the Americans, took everything from Chief’s people, the Native Americans, and they had nothing left. Diana was taken to a battalion where the British were currently in a battle with the Germans, and Diana spoke in Flemish to a woman and learned that women and children were being enslaved in the small village of Veld on the other side of the Germans. Diana wanted to go help them, but Steve told her that it was impossible to cross No Man’s Land and they needed to stay focused because not everyone in the war survived. Diana took off her cloak to reveal her sexy armor beneath and turned into “Wonder Woman.” She crazily ran out into the open and used her tiny wristlets and large shield to deflect the onslaught of Germans bullets and distracted the enemy so their focus was on her. The weary British officers were ordered to stay behind their barracade while Steve’s American team sneaked around and shot the Germans that had their focus on dirty harry Diana. The Germans fled, and Diana battled those that were in Veld. The A-team guys held a piece of scrap metal and used it to boost Diana up so she could smash through the top of the bell tower and take out a sniper since Charlie couldn’t bring himself to shoot. The villagers cheered and took a photograph of Diana and her team. Sameer told Diana that Charlie didn’t shoot because not everyone got to be what he or she wanted to be all the time. Sameer added that he loved acting and would have been an actor instead of a soldier, but he was the wrong color. Steve called Etta, and she told them that Ludendorff was very close to Veld because he was at German High Command where he would hold a gala. Sir Patrick took the phone and forbade Steve going near the gala otherwise the armistice would be in jeopardy, and Steve hung up on Sir Patrick pretending the connection was bad. Diana told Steve that Ludendorff might be Ares. When they made it to the German High Command, Steve told Diana to stay behind in the woods because she couldn’t go in there and kill people like in Veld. Sameer and Steve put on a very convincing show at the gate where Sameer, the chauffeur of a German car, lost his master’s (Steve dressed as a German soldier and speaking in a realistic German accent) invitation to the gala. Steve pretended not to know and to be angry with his driver, and the guards let them in because they believed Steve was an official (dressed in German clothing). Steve approached Dr. Maru at the gala and told her that he was a fan of hers. He tried to persuade her to let him see her work, but Dr. Maru refused and said she was loyal to Ludendorff after she noticed Steve glancing back and forth between her and Diana, who was wearing a blue gown she stole from another female. Ludendorff danced with Diana and what he told her about war convinced her that he was Ares. As Ludendorff walked away, Diana was about to pull out the sword she had down the back of her dress but Steve stopped her and said that Ludendorff might not be Ares and she couldn’t kill him until they found the gas. Diana pushed Steve away and ran outside, where Ludendorff was up in a tower firing gas at a nearby village. Diana switched into Wonder Woman and went to the village, where she saw all the dead people in its wake and was upset that Steve didn’t let her kill Ludendorff otherwise those people might have lived. Diana galloped off on horseback to the facility where Ludendorff was, and Steve followed on a motorbike. Diana confronted Ludendorff, who inhaled some more of his gas and was suddenly the first man as powerful as Diana. She still got the better of him and killed him using the Godkiller, but then she realized that she made a mistake and the war was still ongoing. Steve told Diana that people weren’t always good and maybe they were fighting by their choice so killing Ares wasn’t going to end the war or evil, but Diana still believed it was Ares’ and knew that innocent people and children were dying. Diana said that her mom was right about how the world of men did not deserve her help, and Steve replied that everyone was to blame and not just one person. He asked Diana to come with him and stop the war, but she refused. Sir Patrick then appeared behind Diana and she realized that he was Ares. He confirmed it and said he was not her enemy and all he wanted was for the gods to see how evil his father Zeus’s human creation was but they wouldn’t see it so Ares destroyed the humans. Diana struck Ares with her sword, but it shattered upon impact. Ares explained that Princess Diana was the Godkiller, not the sword, and Zeus left the child he created with Hippolyta as a weapon against Ares. Ares went on to say that he was the god of truth and not war and mankind was the one who stole the world from the gods and destroyed it. Ares claimed that since he was left too weak to stop mankind, he whispered ideas, inspiration for formulas, and weapons in the ears of humans and it was up to them to decide if they would use them and start the wars. All Ares did (as Sir Patrick) was create an armistice he knew humankind couldn’t keep hoping they would destroy themselves, and Ares told Diana that if she joined him, they could return the world to the eternal paradise it was before humankind ever existed. Diana said no, and then she and Ares battled with her basically powerless and him indestructible. Steve and the others decided to stop the plane that had all the gas on board from leaving for its destination. The Germans loaded the gas onto a plane, and Steve went on a suicide mission to hijack the plane and planned to shoot his gun at the gas inside the plane in the sky and then die when the plane exploded. Before he left, Steve gave Diana his watch and said he loved her while Sameer and the others put bombs in the buildings. Diana then killed a bunch of German soldiers after Steve’s plane exploded, and Ares told Diana that mankind did all of that destruction. Ares then brought Dr. Maru before Diana and told her to kill the other female, but Diana remembered Steve’s words and Diana spared the evil female doc her life. She told Ares that it wasn’t about whether or not humankind deserved her protection, it was about what she believed in, which was love. Diana then used all of her powers to destroy Ares once and for all. Back in London, everyone waved their British flags and celebrated victory over the Germans, except American Steve who didn’t survive the war like the other members of his A-Team did. In the present day, Diana worked at Wayne Enterprises in Paris, France. Bruce Wayne sent her a gift box with the picture that the Veld villagers took of Diana and Steve’s team. Diana decided that there was a choice people had to make for themselves about whether they were going to be good or evil, and only love could truly save the world. Therefore, Wonder Woman would stay, fight and give for the world she knew could be and that was her mission forever. This movie had a $120-150 million budget and grossed over $822 million at the box office. Rafer Guzman from Newsday was quoted on the movie cover art as saying, “Wonder Woman is a triumph.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/29/23

TITLE: Napoleon Dynamite 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’ children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004  20th Century Fox / Fox Searchlight Pictures / 

 Paramount Pictures / MTV Films

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Preston, Idaho, and began with Preston High schooler Napoleon Dynamite getting on the school bus, opening his window and throwing out an action figure attached to a string he held on to so he could drag the toy along (like a person being dragged behind a bus). Napoleon didn’t pay attention in class and drew mythical creatures (his favorite being the liger). Boys that smashed Napoleon’s head into lockers bullied Napoleon at school. The principal instructed Napoleon to show Pedro Sanchez, the new kid from Mexico, to his locker and show the Spanish-speaking boy around. Napoleon warned Pedro about the gangs at that school. Later that afternoon at Grandma Carlinda’s house (Grandma raised the two brothers as there was no mom and dad around) was at her wits’ end with Napoleon and his older brother, Kipland Ronald, so she and her sister planned to go visit some friends and Grandma would be back the following day. Grandma told Napoleon and Kip to make their own quesadillas and they would have more steak in the house tomorrow. Teen solicitor Deborah Bradshaw came to the door and handed Napoleon a picture of a woman and asked him if he wanted to look like like the female because she was selling discounted glamour shots and bracelets to earn money for college. When Deb walked away, she left all her equipment on the porch because she wasn’t happy about Napoleon’s comments. Napoleon went to feed Tina the llama as Grandma instructed, but he called Tina fat lard and angrily flung the food at her and on the ground. He then stormed off and he and Kip went to a Rex Kwon Do session in town that they saw on a local TV commercial. Meanwhile, a school bus full of little kids witnessed farmer Lyle beside the roadway and across the street from the Dynamite house shoot a cow in the head with his gun (the steak dinner Grandma had spoke about), and the kids screamed in horror. Pathological liar Napoleon told his part-time English speaking new pal Pedro that his girlfriend from Oklahoma had planned to fly to Idaho for the upcoming school dance, but then a modeling thing came up and she couldn’t come. Napoleon gave Pedro the picture of the female that Deb gave him and said that was his girlfriend, and Pedro said he wanted to take popular Summer Wheatly to the dance. Napoleon returned Deb’s things to her that he kept in his locker at school. Uncle Rico arrived at the house and told Napoleon and Kip that he was going to stay with them until Grandma got out of the hospital because she had a spill when she was racing at the sand dunes and broke her coccyx bone. Rico claimed that Grandma was with her boyfriend at the time. Kip then told Rico that things were getting serious with his girlfriend LaFawnduh Lucas, who he talked to for hours each day in the online chat room where they met. Napoleon and Pedro dropped off a cake at Summer’s house asking her to the dance, and when they got back to the house Uncle Rico told Kip that he could throw a football a quarter mile and proved his point by throwing food at Napoleon’s face and knocking his glasses off. Summer gave Napoleon a note to give to Pedro, and Napoleon peeked at the note with a heart on the front and saw inside that Summer refused to go to the dance with Pedro. Kip told Uncle Rico that Grandma (who nobody ever visited in the hospital) was mad at him because Grandma had to pay per minute phone bill when Kip was on the Internet chat room. Uncle Rico said he would throw Kip out the window if he were Grandma. Uncle Rico and Kip came up with a moneymaking solicitor scheme, and they had Deb take their pictures for their laminated name tags so they could look legitimate and official. Napoleon told Pedro at lunch that Summer said no, and Pedro replied that he asked Deb to the dance too (as backup) which Napoleon didn’t know about. Deb came over and gave Pedro a note saying yes, she wanted to go to the dance with him, and Napoleon said he wouldn’t be able to get a date after Deb left. Pedro figured out that Napoleon was good at drawing and suggested he draw a picture of the girl he wanted to take out and gave it to her as a gift (Pedro’s character appeared slightly smarter than dopey Napoleon even though Pedro spoke little English). Napoleon looked through the yearbook and drew a picture of Trisha Stevens, Summer’s friend, and when he went to Trisha’s house she wasn’t home and Napoleon gave Trisha’s mom the picture. Uncle Rico was there talking to Trisha’s mom about the bowls he was selling (which Rico and Kip knew were not as durable as they advertised). After Napoleon left, Uncle Rico told Trisha’s mom that Napoleon still wet his bed. Trisha saw the picture that Napoleon drew of her and was disgusted, but her mom told her she had to go to the dance with Napoleon. Uncle Rico suggested to Napoleon to get a job so he could make money too, and the only one he could find was moving 8,000 hens into new cages. Napoleon and three other boys had a lunch of sandwiches with flies crawling all over them and a drink made of raw eggs, and Napoleon was paid six dollars in change which was about a dollar an hour by the farmer. Trisha called Napoleon and told him that she would go to the dance with him and she liked his drawing of her so much she hung it up in her bedroom. Napoleon bought a suit, and Uncle Rico was supposed to take Napoleon to the dance but he had a sale to do along the way. Uncle Rico still wasn’t done a few minutes before the time Napoleon was supposed to pick Trisha up, so Napoleon planned to run all the way to Trisha’s house until Pedro’s scary cousins, in their gangster convertible (bouncing) car with blasting music, picked him up. Pedro’s cousins took Napoleon and Trisha to the dance, where Trisha refused to dance with Napoleon and went off with her friends. Pedro let Napoleon dance with Deb, and Deb offered for Napoleon to come over to her house so she could do a personal portrait of him. Pedro then decided he would run for class president against cheerleader Summer. Napoleon later noticed the time machine on the table, and Kip told him that Uncle Rico bought it in an attempt to go back in time to 1982 and go professional with his football career. Napoleon tried to use the time machine, but it zapped him and then Uncle Rico walked into the room in pain and said he could have told Napoleon it didn’t work. Summer handed out flyers telling everyone to vote for her, but Napoleon told everyone that he was voting for Pedro. Kip told Uncle Rico that LaFawnduh was flying out from Detroit for a few days to see Kip. Napoleon then spotted Pedro sitting on his front lawn with his hood on his head, and when Napoleon asked why Pedro explained that he came home from school because he was feeling hot. Drinking cold water and taking a bath didn’t help, and then Pedro realized that it was his hair making him hot so he shaved it all off and was wearing his hood so no one would see. Napoleon and Deb got Pedro a wig to make him look presentable for his class presidential run. Napoleon spotted a boy in the hall being bullied, and Napoleon explained to the victim that Pedro would offer the boy protection if he voted for Pedro. The boy voted for Pedro, and when he was bullied again, Pedro’s Hispanic gangster cousins pulled up in their convertible and gave the bully a scary look so the bully ran off. As teens Trisha and Summer walked down the sidewalk, Rico pulled up in his van and gave them flyers to give to Trisha’s mom so she could hand them out to her friends. Rico grinned at the young girls and told them to give him a call if they wanted some, and it turned out the flyers were ads for Rico’s newest product called Bust Must, which were herbals enhancers to increase breast size the natural way. Kip hung out with LaFawnduh once she arrived in town. Napoleon discovered that the Bust Must flyers were all over his locker, he threw food at Uncle Rico’s windshield as he drove by. Uncle Rico wrestled Napoleon to the ground telling him to clean the van, but Napoleon got away. Pedro was scolded by the high school principal and told he was a disgrace to himself and everyone for bashing piñatas that resembled Summer. Pedro told Deb that as punishment he had to take down his presidential flyers and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t smash piñatas that looked like real people because they did it all the time in Mexico where he was from. Kip, no longer wearing his glasses and nerdy attire but looking like a rapper now that he was hanging out with LaFawnduh, told Napoleon that his girlfriend was the best thing that ever happened to him and there was a babe out there for Napoleon too. Creepy Uncle Rico then told Deb in her parent’s basement that she used as a photography studio, that a soft body should accompany her soft facial features and handed her a Bust Must flyer. Rico lied and told Deb that that Napoleon would want it, and then Rico told Deb to call him when she was ready for the transformation. Deb called Napoleon and told him that he was shallow and she didn’t need herbal enhancers to feel good about herself. Napoleon told Uncle Rico that Grandma called and said she wanted Rico gone by the time she got back home because Uncle Rico had been ruining everybody’s lives and eating all their steak. Napoleon told Rico to get off his property or he would call the cops, and Uncle Rico told Napoleon to go ahead, but Napoleon didn’t. Napoleon told Pedro to finish his speech by promising the people who voted for him that he would make their wildest dreams come true, and Pedro did use that in his upcoming speech. Rico tried to sell Bust Must to Rex’s wife Starla, but Rex used his Rex Kwon Do to take care of Rico after Rex caught the two together in his house. At school in front of the student class, Summer gave her Presidential candidate speech about how if she was class president, she would put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, install glitter Bonne Bell dispensers in the girls’ bathrooms, new cheerleader uniforms, and she would make sure the students didn’t have to eat chimichangas. Summer and some other girls dressed in their cheerleader outfits and did a skit involving sign language and dancing to pop music with a weird rainbow in the background. Afterward, Pedro told everyone in his Presidential candidate speech that if he was class president, he wanted to have some holy santos guarding the hallway to bring everyone good luck, and there would even be an FFA schedule. Pedro wasn’t informed prior to the event that he would have to conduct a bizarre skit immediately following his speech, so Napoleon did some groovy dance moves to the funk music cassette that LaFawnduh gave him (Napoleon had been practicing the dance moves of the VHS tape D’Kwon’s Dance Grooves at home). The crowd gave Napoleon a standing ovation. Kip left on a bus with LaFawnduh. Grandma came back home after recovering and was happy to get kisses from her four-legged family member, Tina.At a party celebration at Pedro’s home, Pedro’s family made him a Mexican flag colored-cake with the words “Presidente Pedro! Felicididades!” (President Pedro! Congratulations!) Pedro was the new class President at the USA school. Uncle Rico got a visit from a female in the field that Rico now lived out of his van. Napoleon finally had someone to play tetherball with and it was Deb. Two months later, Kip and LaFawnduh got married on Grandma’s property. One of LaFawnduh’s black relatives hung his in disgust as black LaFawnduh married white Kip. As Kip sang a song about meeting LaFawnduh in a World Wide Web chat room and how he was always going to love technology but not as much as his bride, Napoleon crashed the wedding on horseback. Napoleon told everyone that he had been absent and was late because he was training a wild stallion for the honeymoon couple. Deb took Napoleon’s picture on horseback at his request. Kip and LaFawnduh then rode away on the horse as Kip threw LaFawnduh’s garter to the guys. This movie had a $400,000 budget and grossed over $46 million at the box office. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, “You’ll laugh till it hurts…sweet!” People, “Wonderfully original.”  New York Post, “Hilarious.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/28/23

TITLE: Baby’s Day Out 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1994  20th Century Fox

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with an exasperated British nanny named Gilbertine reading nine-month-old baby Bennington Austin “Bink” Cotwell IV his favorite book, Baby’s Day Out, even though Gilbertine had already read it many times before and wanted to gag at having to do it again. The book was about Baby Boo and his nanny going out on the town for the day. Bink’s rich parents, Laraine and Bing, hired the Downtown Baby photographers to take Bink’s picture and get it in the paper since they thought they deserved it since their friends children were in the papers. A group of three mob thugs (Norbert “Norby” LeBlaw, Victor “Veeko” Riley, and their leader, Edgar “Eddie” Mouser) kidnapped the Downtown Baby photographers and put on their clothes to go to the Cotwell estate because they planned to kidnap Bink and ask for a large ransom. Bing left for work and almost forgot to say goodbye to Bink, and then Gilbertine got baby Bink ready for his photos by powdering his bare butt (even though his butt wouldn’t be in the picture) and dressing him up to make him look like an angelic prince because Laraine believed Bink was better than all the regular babies since his family was rich. Mr. Edwards, the butler, let the three phony photographers in, led by Mr. Charlie (Eddie) speaking in a fake accent. Norby tried to steal something, and Eddie told him no and to go to J.C. Penney if he wanted to shoplift. Mr. Charlie asked Laraine whether or not Bink was good around other people, and Laraine had to ask her nanny because Laraine never took care of the baby. Mr. Charlie got Laraine out of the room to change by telling her that her designer dress was too colorful. Gilbertine left too but gave the fake photographers Bink’s book to help calm him if he got cranky. The men quickly loaded Bink in the stolen Downtown Baby truck within a couple of minutes and took him to their hideout house, where Norby was told to read Bink’s book to him in the bedroom so he would fall asleep and keep quiet. The kidnappers left behind at the house a ransom note (with the classic cut-out letters) saying they had the baby and not to call the police (which was exactly what the Cotwells did). Bing received the rest of the ransom note instructing him to put $5 million dollars in a trash bag in the alley behind the Ovaltine Factory by midnight and he would get Bink back. FBI Agent Dale Grissom convinced Laraine not to go out and search for Bink because there was too many places he could be hiding and it would be pointless and dangerous. Norby was the one who fell asleep instead of baby Bink, and so Bink crawled out on the roof and somehow managed to stay one step ahead of them. The kidnappers discovered the missing Bink and went after the baby. Eddie fell from the roof into the alley below while Bink boarded the bus, and then the kidnappers sped after the bus driving recklessly. By the time the bus stopped, they realized that Bink got off the bus and climbed into an overweight female’s basket. The bad guys tried to sneak up behind the female, but she fought them off with her fists because she overheard them saying she was as big as a building and suggesting they give her a sandwich. Baby Bink kept roaming around the city as the news reported Bink’s abduction. A random guy told the Cotwells that he knew where Bink was because he saw a baby at the apartment across the street, but he wouldn’t say what the exact room was until Bing paid him. It turned out to be a female with several young children and a baby who resembled Bink closely but wasn’t him. Bink followed the scenes from his book and did everything Baby Boo did by sneaking into a cab and going to the zoo. Bink had to cross the street on all fours and just made it across to the zoo without getting run over, and the kidnappers followed Bink. They found the human baby in the ape section, where Bink had crawled between the very wide bars in the gorilla cage. Veeko reached his arm and head through the bars and tried to grab Bink, but the gorilla liked his new playmate and sat between Bink and Veeko. The gorilla smashed his fist down on top on Veeko’s hand and sent him away screaming, and Norby had no luck trying to get ahold of Bink using the handle of a mop between the bars. Once the gorilla and Bink fell asleep, Eddie tried to pull Bink away but the baby moved and the gorilla woke up. The gorilla grabbed Eddie and threw him against the bars of another cage. Bink then left the zoo by going into the outside enclosure with the gorilla and crawling through the gate. The bad guys spotted Bink in the park when they were driving, and they grabbed him when he came out the other side of a tunnel. Two police officers noticed the thugs’ van parked nearby which they had been searching for, and they asked the three men sitting on a bench looking innocent about it. As Eddie explained that the van belonged to them and was having battery trouble, he held Bink on his lap under his coat with his hand over Bink’s mouth to keep him quiet. Eddie then started talking in a weird, pained voice because the baby was squeezing his private parts. The officers asked the guy if they had seen a baby around there, and then Baby Bink took a lighter and held the flame near Eddie’s private parts so now he was almost screaming but trying to keep it in check. Veeko and Norby told the officers that Eddie had a bad heart and that was his problem. Eddie instructed his goons to escort the officers away and they did so and slapped the officer’s backs as though friends (distraction from the other criminal with the baby) and said they had to go check out the bad battery in the van. Bink then actually lit the front of Eddie’s pants on fire, and the baby dropped out from under the blanket and escaped. The police car drove away from the scene and the mobsters were able to dupe the officers. Veeko came running back. He threw Eddie on the ground and stomped on his crotch hard multiple times until the fire was out and claimed he used to put fires out like that in Boy Scouts. Eddie screamed at Veeko, and when Norby said that it burned right through Eddie’s skivvies, Eddie kneed Norby in the face. Bink snuck into the construction site, where he climbed onto a girder to eat a donut and the girder went many stories up. The kidnappers went after him in an elevator and Eddie sent Veeko out onto the girder to get Bink, but Bink made it to safety and not Veeko who was hanging onto the girder for dear life. Eddie tried to push Norby (who was afraid of heights) off their platform to help Veeko, and Norby ended up holding onto Veeko’s legs but then Norby fell far down head-first into a cement container while Veeko fell into a dumpster. Eddie chased Bink, and then a hammer hit Eddie in the head and then he accidentally pulled a rope that dumped construction mix all over him. He said that if the Milwaukee Mob couldn’t kill him then that baby couldn’t get the better of him. Bink climbed out on a platform that carried him to safety on the ground, and Eddie jumped onto a rope hanging in midair. However, all the construction workers then left for the day and Eddie was left hanging until nightfall when Norby and Veeko helped him get down. Meanwhile, Laraine told Gilbertine (the English nanny) that she clearly loved (baby) Bink more than his mom (Laraine) did. Agent Grissom returned to the Cotwell house and informed the couple that Bink had been spotted in several different places. Gilbertine realized that Bink went to all the places that Baby Boo went in the book, so they all went to the veterans’ center to pick up Bink where the elderly folks were having fun singing to the baby. In the car, the Cotwells noticed that Bink kept saying the word “boo-boo” which was the term for his book he lost and pointing at a building which was the kidnappers’ hideout. The government agents turned the car around and called for backup with lights, sirens and helicopters to go get the boo-boo. The bad guys were there, and Eddie didn’t want to go into the alley and check to see if the money was there because he didn’t want to get 140 years or prison. He ranted that the one thing he learned from it was he was never going to have kids of his own (which Norby and Veeko said he couldn’t do anyway) and he wanted to go back to robbing banks and convenience stores and deal with grown-ups because the kiddie stuff was too much for him. They then heard Bink’s voice saying “boo-boo,” and when they looked out the window they saw that the police surrounded the building and so they threw the boo-boo down as they were instructed. The movie ended with the Cotwells putting little baby Bink to bed while discussing how he was going to have his picture taken the following day by a different photographer. After the door was closed, Bink grabbed his “Baby Goes To China,” book off the shelf and giggled. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Michael Medved, New York Post, “Undeniably, irresistibly, irrationally funny.”  Joel Siegel, Good Morning America, “Fun…it’s a scream.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/27/23

TITLE: Copying Beethoven

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004  MGM Pictures / Sidney Kimmel Entertainment /  

IP Medienfonds 2 / Copying Beethoven Limited (UK) / 

 Eurofilm Studio, KFT, (Hungary)

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Vienna in 1824 and began with 23-year-old music student Anna Holtz traveling to see Wenzel Schlemmer (dying from cancer). Anna had a note given to her by Dr. Rauch, her music teacher at the conservatory, who received it from Schlemmer requesting Dr. Rauch’s best composition student to be a copyist for a composer. Dr. Rauch sent Anna, but Schlemmer said that wouldn’t do because she was a woman. Anna protested that she was perfectly capable of doing the job, and Schlemmer explained that the composer was the Beast, Ludwig van Beethoven, who needed help finishing the chorale for his Ninth Symphony (Ode to Joy) that was being premiered in four days. Beethoven, partially deaf, then stormed into the room screaming that he would kill Schlemmer if he didn’t fix the copy error on the sheet music. Anna corrected what she believed was a mistake and delivered the score to Beethoven, and she pointed out that she fixed the error to a different key because she felt that it matched Beethoven’s soul better and kept with his suspenseful style. That helped convince Beethoven to hire her as his copyist, and he explained that he was a bachelor and his nephew, Karl, was the world to him. Beethoven also didn’t think that women could compose music, but that didn’t deter Anna from writing her own. He went on to say that he was a difficult person but took comfort in the fact that God made him that way. Beethoven told Rudy at the tavern that he found it frightening how Anna knew him so well and suggested that maybe God sent her, and Rudy replied that usually women were sent by the devil. Beethoven added that this symphony was his farewell to music as he had always written it because he wanted to start a new chapter in his life. Anna stayed at the Convent of the Sacred Heart with the nuns (which Beethoven laughingly said were worse than cats) since her great-aunt Clara was the Mother Superior. She didn’t approve of Anna working for Beethoven and advised her that dreams could be wonderful but also dangerous. Martin Bauer, Anna’s boyfriend, climbed up to Anna’s window that night in the Convent to tell her that his bridge design was accepted for the Archduke’s competition. The next day, Schlemmer told Anna that Beethoven wrote Fur Elise for a woman he loved named Elise, but he was no longer a romantic and it was if his soul had gone deaf along with his ears. Schlemmer added that Anna shouldn’t show any of her work to Beethoven because otherwise he would destroy her as he had other composers (such as Rossini). Very questionable Karl van Beethoven then showed up at Beethoven’s apartment and snuck up behind Anna who was cleaning while holding her dress up. Karl took his walking stick and pulled Anna’s dress up more and told her a little higher, exposing her undergarments. Karl confirmed that he was the ungrateful brat who borrowed money from Beethoven and made it impossible for him to compose for years. Anna said she had worked for Beethoven since the previous night, and Karl replied that Beethoven usually chose the more matured, developed kind and then Karl tried to grab Anna’s breast but she slapped him and said she was cleaning the apartment because she couldn’t work under those conditions and neither could Beethoven. Karl argued that nobody could change the way his uncle lived because he was a force of nature that destroyed everything in his path, made others feel inferior to him, and was trying to force his nephew to become a pianist because he was convinced Karl had talent but Karl believed otherwise. Karl (full of himself and clearly a fake full of lies) added that Beethoven was trying to destroy Karl’s mother and had kept him from her for years so Beethoven could possess his nephew. Beethoven then came home and was in a bright mood because he finished his symphony thanks to Anna’s inspiration. Karl (around Anna’s age) could care less about his Uncle’s accomplishment and told him he was short on money, so Beethoven gave him a generous loan which Karl didn’t thank him for and left saying he couldn’t have dinner with his uncle that night because he was going out with friends. Beethoven told Anna the truth that Karl wanted the money to go gamble with his friends, and when Anna asked Beethoven if he was unhappy like his nephew. Beethoven exploded and told her to speak her mind and only do so to his face.Beethoven started washing himself in the water basin. He ruined the goulash that the family in the apartment downstairs below his ate at because the water went through the floorboards. Beethoven then asked Anna which piano sonata was her favorite and didn’t give her the chance to answer but said it was the moonlight and the he pulled his pants down to show Anna his bare butt. Anna went to see Martin and passionately made out with him, and he declared that he was going to break Anna out of the prison of the convent and then showed her his futuristic bridge design that took him a year to create. Martin wanted to name the bridge after himself and said he wished Anna wasn’t working for Beethoven because Martin believed the composer lived off the rich, fawned off the nobility and was a hypocrite. Anna said she would show Beethoven her work and be out of Beethoven’s life after the premiere, and she asked Martin to attend. Martin said nobody listened to Beethoven anymore but agreed to sit through two hours of the music only for Anna (and get more kisses no doubt afterward). Beethoven went for a walk in the woods while Anna returned to the apartment, and the next-door neighbor boasted that the people of Vienna envied the neighbor lady because she got to hear all of Beethoven’s pieces before they were premiered. Anna caught Karl stealing Beethoven’s money, and Karl argued that he wasn’t stealing because the money was what his uncle owed him and Karl needed it to pay off debts with some dangerous people. Karl then rushed out of the building as Beethoven arrived, and the uncle took that to mean Karl was excited about the upcoming piano recital that Beethoven scheduled for him (after Karl told Anna he didn’t want to play.) Anna told Beethoven about Karl’s theft, and Beethoven didn’t believe it and was convinced the maid had been stealing from him. When Beethoven learned that Anna was in love with the engineer Martin, Beethoven said Anna came to Vienna to chase a man. She argued that God sent her there to be a composer, and Beethoven replied that God made a mistake making Anna a woman if that was the case. Beethoven went on to say that he and God understood each other perfectly because they were like two bears in one den, and Beethoven’s religion was loneliness. Anna said Beethoven should cancel the recital and let Karl join the army liked he wanted to. Beethoven said that music was the language of God and musicians were nothing if not close to God. At the premier, Beethoven was upset that Karl wasn’t attending, and Schlemmer told Anna that Karl sold his seat to an American in a loud suit with a wife half his age. Beethoven was convinced that Karl would have come if he could so he must be ill. Beethoven said that if God was his father, Beethoven disowned God because He took away Beethoven’s privilege to hear his music by making him deaf. Beethoven was concerned he couldn’t keep the orchestra together, and Anna reassured him that she would be there to help him conduct by standing where he could see her but no one else could and making the conducting gestures for him to follow. The premiere was a success, Beethoven received a standing ovation, and Karl was in tears watching when he finally arrived. Later on, Beethoven began composing the Grosse Fugue and asked Anna’s opinion, and she said it was ugly. Beethoven said it was intended to challenge the idea of beauty and told Anna she was God’s secretary. Beethoven showed Anna the score they conducted from which he dedicated to her, the angel of his soul. Anna then showed Beethoven the score for her composition, and he played it on the piano and made a mockery of it by blowing raspberries and saying Anna invented a new genre of music called Fartissimo. Anna left in tears and returned to the convent, where Mother Superior told her that her gift of composition was from God and to use it to serve Him. Beethoven then barged into the convent and gave Anna her composition score with some notes he added, and he begged her on his knees to come back to him so they could work on the composition together. Anna returned to the apartment, and Beethoven advised her to find the silence in herself so she could hear the music like he did. He went on to say that the past few years he had been living in his prison of solitude, and he believed that God sent Anna to him because she was the key to his release. Beethoven then asked Anna to wash him with a sponge and she did. Anna worked long hours on her composition, and then she went to see Martin’s bridge model. Beethoven was also there and told Martin that his bridge was a dead, worthless and lifeless thing that only connected points of land, whereas God gave Beethoven the right to build musical bridges to connect people’s souls. Beethoven went on to say that God whispered in some people’s ears but shouted in Beethoven’s ear, and when Martin went blind he would have the right to judge and not be judged. Beethoven then said he would give Martin a gift and used his cane to smash the model to pieces. When Beethoven left, his Excellency dressed in red whispered that Beethoven didn’t like the bridge and neither did his Excellency. Martin told Anna that he would have nothing more to do with her if she went near Beethoven again. Anna went after Beethoven and told him that he destroyed Martin, and Beethoven argued that Anna didn’t love Martin or Beethoven because she wanted to be Beethoven, to which she replied she didn’t want to be near him. Beethoven then sat down at the piano and played Anna’s composition from the sheet music, and Anna said it wasn’t finished. Beethoven replied that it was very good but she was copying him and the world needed someone like her, not another Beethoven. Anna added that Beethoven improved Martin’s bridge by destroying it. As Beethoven’s fugue was premiered, many people got up and left because they didn’t like it. His Excellency stayed to listen to the whole thing but left saying Beethoven was deafer than everyone thought. Anna told Beethoven that she didn’t hear the fugue the way he did, and then he collapsed from sickness. Anna nursed Beethoven, and as he lay in bed he dictated to Anna the composition he had in his head. She wrote down Beethoven’s hymn of thanksgiving to God for allowing him to finish his work. The movie stated Ludwig van Beethoven died on March 26, 1827, with Anna at his side. The following was listed on the movie cover art: The Seattle Times, “Masterful performance, electrifying music!”  Us Weekly, “Ed Harris’s performance as Beethoven is pure, raw music.”  Chicago Tribune, “…beauty and intensity most other films can’t match.” The movie packaging stated the movie was released in 2004 with a PG rating, however, the Interent has the movie release date in 2006 with a PG-13 rating.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/25/23

TITLE: Annabelle’s Wish 

BOX OFFICE RATED: G

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1997  Umbrella Entertainment / Goldcrest Films / Fremantle Media / 

Ralph Edwards Films 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 2

REASON: This cartoon movie takes place in the small Tennessee town of Twobridge and began on Christmas Eve. Grandpa Charles Baker was driving through town with Billy, his seven-year-old grandson he raised because Billy’s parents were dead. Billy’s friend, Emily, sang carols in the back of the truck with Billy. Young Bucky and Buster Holder from the nearby farm made fun of Billy because he hadn’t spoken a word since the barn fire that traumatized him. Grandpa rescued Billy from the fire, but Doc Taylor said Billy might never speak again. Grandpa tried to invite Bucky and Buster to go caroling, but their dad, Gus, refused to let them. Back at the farm, Grandpa discovered that Star the cow gave birth to her calf, Annabelle. Meanwhile, wealthy Aunt Agnes who lived in the city wanted to have a child, so she told her lawyer to find a legal loophole so she could have her nephew Billy, even though she gave up rights to him after his parents died. Santa Claus made an appearance later that night and granted all the farm animals the ability to speak only for that night. Annabelle noticed Santa’s magic reindeer. Star then told her that if she were good she could ask Santa to grant her a wish next Christmas. The following morning, Agnes arrived and sauntered into the farmhouse. Billy wasn’t interested in Aunt Agnes’ thoughtless gifts and instead read the note Santa left for him on the tree telling him to look outside. Annabelle was waiting for Billy with a bow around her neck, and then she unknowingly helped him overcome his fear of the barn by leading him there. When Billy eventually realized where he was, he was no longer afraid. Annabelle accidentally spoke in front of Billy and the other animals thought Santa would be mad since speaking to humans was against the rules, but they knew Billy wouldn’t tell. Agnes told Grandpa that she was “concerned,” about William’s welfare, and when Grandpa said that Annabelle was good for Billy, Agnes argued that the boy needed a real doctor, not a cow (and especially not Doc Taylor who Agnes called a country hick). Grandpa told Agnes she wasn’t getting Billy, so Agnes stormed off and said she would be back because she had lawyers. Annabelle told Billy her wish to fly, so he tied twigs around her head for antlers so she looked like a reindeer. Emily took them all for a ride on the sled she got for Christmas, but it ended in disaster when they smashed into the Holder fence and Gus decided he would blame it on the heifer Annabelle. Annabelle had a dream that night about having real antlers and flying, and the next morning the animals’ ability to talk was gone until possibly next Christmas Eve. Gus brought the sheriff to the farm, and Gus said he knew Grandpa couldn’t pay for the damages so he wanted to take Annabelle instead. The sheriff told Grandpa that he could have Annabelle back if he came up with the money in 24 hours. Grandpa knew Billy needed Annabelle, so he took his deceased daughter’s music box and sold it in town. Annabelle was returned to Billy and they were both very happy, and the two of them and Emily played together while a song, “Friends Like Us” played. Bucky and Buster tried to bully Billy again, but Annabelle chased the mean kids off. The delinquent boys lied to their dad that they weren’t doing anything when Annabelle attacked them for no reason, so Gus called the sheriff. The sheriff explained to the questionable Gus that his boys lied because the bus driver witnessed what really happened. The sheriff then helped Gus realize the sacrifice Grandpa made to get Annabelle back by selling his dead daughter’s music box full of memories. Agnes’ lawyer informed her that he found the loophole and Billy would be hers by that Christmas. Agnes brought a court order to the farm on Christmas Eve and declared that the judge agreed with her that Billy was in danger on the farm and needed to be in her custody until he could speak (if he ever did). Scarlet the horse pulled Agnes’ car into the snowdrift, and Agnes blamed it on Grandpa and called him a senile old coot. He replied that she would have to wait until the following day to leave. Santa returned that night and allowed the animals to speak again, and Annabelle told him her wish. The next morning, Billy opened his present from Santa. It was empty, but suddenly he was able to talk again. He told Agnes that he loved his grandpa and wasn’t going away with her, so the female who really didn’t care to raise Billy from the beginning left in a huff. Billy went to the barn and discovered that Annabelle couldn’t talk, and Star explained that Annabelle’s wish was to hear Billy talk, so she gave away her Christmas voice so he could have his voice and Annabelle would never talk again. Gus and his boys came over and returned the music box to Grandpa, and then Agnes decided she would stay for Christmas dinner when she learned that Gus was single. Billy and Emily ended up getting married, and one Christmas Eve many years later, Santa came and Billy used his own wish. Santa transformed Annabelle into a reindeer, and she was very happy to have her voice back and she led Santa’s sleigh. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/24/23

TITLE: Monkey Up

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2016 Air Bud Entertainment (Canada)

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began in New York with a talking monkey named Monty doing another commercial to promote the energy drink Monkey Up. Monty messed the scene up and tried to tell the company owner, Stan Levin, that he wanted to be a real actor by quoting Shakespeare but Stan wasn’t buying it. Monty’s trainer, Desmond, told him that he was under contract to only say nice things about Monkey Up. Meanwhile, the Andrews family (Jim the dad, Clare the mom, and their two young kids, Sophie and Ethan) moved from California to New Jersey. Jim used to be a lawyer but was now a writer. Clare was occupied most of the time getting the Hartz Toyz store, where she worked as Madam President, ready for the annual Christmas Charity Gala. Clare had promised to take Sophie to school but couldn’t because of her work, so Sophie’s slightly older brother, Ethan took his sister to school and even took the burning food out of the oven which his mom put in there and forgot about. Monty told an ETV news reporter in an interview that he grew up in the New Jersey Zoo with his mama and three siblings (Mort, Mooner and Melody), and his life changed and he learned to talk when his mama took him to see Shakespeare in the Park.Monty memorized all the lines and decided he wanted to be an actor, and before his mama died she told him that fame and fortune come and go but family is forever. Monty said he didn’t even know what that meant because he didn’t have a family, and his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was forever. Clare forgot to pick Sophie up from school and remembered late that night, so she had to bribe Sophie with a $300 dollhouse from her work in order to get her daughter’s forgiveness. Monty went to see well-known moviemaker Angelo Cappello and ask him to feature Monty as the monkey star of his next movie, but Angelo replied that Monty was cocky and arrogant and knew nothing about family, the theme of the movie, and Angelo was going to use a computer animated monkey. Desmond and Stan found Monty and chased him through Chinatown, but he escaped from them so Stan ordered Desmond to get another monkey. Desmond took Stan to the zoo and showed him Monty’s siblings, but they threw poop at Stan. Desmond then suggested an animatronic monkey, but it malfunctioned and almost exploded. Monty snuck into the Hartz toy store and hid inside the dollhouse Clare bought for Sophie, and the next morning Sophie woke up to see the dollhouse. She discovered Monty inside the tiny house and recognized him as the face of Monkey Up. Monty went outside to leave and find his way to stardom and was then chased by Tucker the bulldog from next door who confronted him about the banana he took from the Andrews’ house. Sophie went after Tucker with a broom and doctored Monty’s scratched tail. Monty decided that he wanted to rent the dollhouse for a few weeks to learn about family, and his payment to Sophie would be helping her with her gymnastics. Monty used the old saying to keep your friends close but your family closer after he met Ethan. Monty jumped into the bubbly tub to take a bath, and then Clare got into the tub while talking to her mom on the phone and was distracted and didn’t see the monkey in the tub. Clare thought Monty was a scrubber and used the monkey to rub all over her chest and body. Jim fell asleep writing his book that took place in a courtroom, so Monty wrote a page about monkeys. When Jim woke up and saw the writing, he was impressed and told himself, Jimbo, that he still had it (not realizing the monkey typed it). Monty then overheard Ethan practicing lines for his school’s Romeo and Juliet play, and Monty told Ethan that he was making a mockery of Shakespeare and butchering his words like a Christmas turkey. Monty said he would help Ethan after he was told that Ethan was auditioning for Romeo because Taylor, a girl he liked at school, was auditioning for Juliet. Monty male monkey filled in for female Taylor and wore a pink dress and spoke in a high-pitched voice (in classic Shakespeare style) to sound like Juliet for practice. Monty helped Sophie learn the balance beam. Monty also wrote more on the monkey story (a memoir with a twist) while Jim napped and then woke up to see more words and pages which he couldn’t remember writing but liked the storyline. Ethan took his audition and did well because he wore an earpiece with Monty telling him his lines and what to do. Monty revealed himself to Jim, who also recognized him as Monty. They agreed they would write the book together and call it “Home with a Heart,” and Monty wanted to turn it into a movie where he would be the star. Jim would come up with the ending, and Monty suggested a happy one. When Clare noticed Monty standing absolutely still on Jim’s desk, Jim was able to convince her that it was a stuffed life-like monkey he found around a garbage can which he used as writing inspiration. Ethan awkwardly asked Taylor to the Christmas party. It wasn’t until an incident where Tucker chased Monty at the Christmas tree farm that Jim and the kids learned that they all knew about Monty and got help from the monkey. Desmond and Stan acted out on ETV pretending to be in tears over Monty’s disappearance. Sophie gave Monty a blue tuxedo to wear to the party, and then Monty asked the kids to take him to the zoo to. Monty gave his three siblings Christmas presents, but they said they couldn’t be bought with presents because Monty left them in the dust after their mom died. Monty argued that he was a family monkey, but Mooner told Monty to kiss his monkey butt and farted so Monty and the kids left for the gala. Monty did a TV interview, and Desmond and Stan saw it and weren’t happy that Monty was bashing Monkey Up so they went to the gala. Monty escaped them using a toy convertible car, and he wrecked the Christmas party and ruined the tree. Stan told the Andrews’ that he had a contract and a court order that stated Monty belonged to him, and the NYPD had to obligate that so Stan and Desmond took Monty away. At home, Clare wanted to know what was going on, and her husband and kids said they would have told her about Monty if she had been there to tell, which she wasn’t because she was almost always at work. Sophie aced her gymnastics performance, Ethan aced his Shakespeare play, and Monty’s commercial performances were emotionless which upset Stan. Clare and Jim looked over the contract and discovered that the buyout clause for Monty was $100,000. Clare’s company gave her a month off after Christmas to stay home and get her family get settled in. Jim received a call from his publisher and got an offer for the rights to the manuscript to turn it into a movie (thanks to Monty impersonating Jim’s agent and calling the publisher) and Jim would write the script. The kids went to the zoo and convinced Monty’s siblings to help them rescue Monty. Clare and Jim found a note from the kids that they were saving Monty and went to the Monkey Up headquarters. The monkey siblings helped Sophie and Ethan get into the headquarters, where they found Monty. Stan fired Desmond, and when Desmond tried to help the kids and monkeys escape, Stan tased Desmond. Stan then chased them all out onto the rooftop, where Monty revealed that he wouldn’t jump and use his parachute because he was afraid of heights and a stunt monkey always did the jumping. He said he didn’t tell the kids because he wanted them to like him, and they replied that they did like Monty. Sophie then fell off the roof, and Monty jumped onto her back and they parachuted to the ground to safety where Clare and Jim were waiting. Stan announced that Monty was his property according to the contract, and Jim replied that they invoked the clause and gave Stan a check for $100,000 that Jim got from the publisher. Monty’s siblings parachuted down throwing poop at Stan, and the Andrews’ adopted Monty into their family. Jim added that Cappello was optioning their script. The movie ended with Monty buying Monkey Up and Clare becoming the new CEO. The Dove Foundation family approved this movie and listed on the movie cover art, “Heartwarming entertainment for the entire family-Monkey Up will have you in stitches!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/23/23

TITLE: Stranger than Fiction 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006  Columbia Pictures / Mandate Pictures / Three Strange Angels 

Production / Sony Pictures Releasing / Crick Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a British female narrating the life of Harold Crick, an IRS agent who was obsessed with numbers (counting how many toothbrush strokes he did, how many times he tied his tie) and having things just so and so and had been doing so for 12 years. Harold’s wristwatch helped him get his timing exact for everything, but on a Wednesday everything changed when Harold started hearing the British female’s voice in his head narrating the things he did just seconds before. Harold couldn’t concentrate at work. Harold’s coworker, Dave, at work laughed about having caught someone trying claim a jet ski as his work vehicle. Dave was confused when Harold tried to have him listen for the British voice, because it was only in Harold’s head so Dave couldn’t hear it. Harold took as his part of his IRS workload the audit for baker Ana Pascal and went to inform her that she only paid 78% of her taxes the previous year. Rebel Ana with her tattooed arm confirmed that she did it on purpose and believed she was higher than the law, and she explained that she didn’t mind paying taxes to fix potholes and build swing set and shelters, but she wasn’t a big fan of the percentage the government used for national defense, corporate bailouts and campaign discretionary funds so she didn’t pay those. Ana added that she sent a letter with her return to the IRS titled “Dear Imperialist Swine,” and Harold asked her if she was an anarchist. The narrator claimed that Harold couldn’t help imagining Ana naked on his bed or in the tub shaving her legs. Ana pointed out that Harold was staring at her breasts, and he denied it but said if he was it was only as a representative of the US government. Harold left the bakery and shouted to the British female voice to shut up and leave him alone. Meanwhile, author Karen Eiffel, (Ellen look-alike and chain-smoker), known for killing the main characters in all of her novels. Karen was also the voice of the female British narrator’s voice. Karen stood on her desk imagining jumping off a roof in her attempt to decide the fate of Harold Crick, the main character of her current novel, Death and Taxes. Penny Escher, the author’s assistant that Karen’s publishers hired to help her finish her book before the deadline, interrupted and Karen asked her opinion of the roof idea. Penny replied that she didn’t think about leaping off buildings and added that she was a very successful assistant who would help Karen kill Harold in the story.That evening, Harold’s watch stopped and he reset the time. Karen narrated that would result in Harold’s imminent death, so he rushed to his apartment and turned it upside down by throwing things and destroying them, but the voice wouldn’t say another word. Harold went to see psychologist Mittag-Leffler, who tried to tell him that the voice inside his head was his own schizophrenia. Harold argued it wasn’t and he felt like he was in a story as the main character with someone narrating his life. The psychologist suggested prescribed medication for Harold, and Harold didn’t want that so she recommended him to Professor Jules Hilbert, a literature expert. Jules got a brief history of Harold’s unmarried and solitary life and his dislike of his job, and Jules said he couldn’t help Harold but then scheduled another meeting for the following day when he learned that Harold was going to die. Ana boarded Harold’s bus afterwards, and he apologized for ogling her and being uncaring about the audit. Ana accepted his apology. Professor Jules compiled 23 questions for Harold, and based on his answers Jules was able to eliminate many pieces of literature and figure out which stories Harold was not in. Harold confessed that he wanted his life to be musical and to learn to play the guitar, and Jules announced that they needed to figure out if Harold’s story was a comedy or a tragedy. The next day, Harold went to the bakery to review Ana’s tax files. Ana and Harold were being more civil by the end of the day, and she made him a batch of cookies and explained that she was only accepted into Harvard Law because of her essay about how she was going to make the world a better place with her degree. It was when she was baking in her free time for her fellow students that she realized she would rather be a baker, and if she was going to make the world a better place she would do it with cookies so she dropped out of Harvard. Harold ruined the mood by refusing to accept the cookies as a free gift and tried to pay for them, so Ana told him to go home. Harold went to see Professor Jules at the pool where he worked as a lifeguard, and they walked by several naked men with their bare butts showing in the showers. Professor Jules advised Harold that he needed the plot to find him so he should stay home the following day and not go to work otherwise the plot would move forward and he would get closer to dying. Harold camped out on the couch all day and peed into a bottle when he needed to go, and he watched depressing documentaries about predators viciously eating their prey, an injured bird being eaten alive by crabs, and the hair or caged primates being stripped away from their corpses to be used for pillows and comfortors and their eyes being plucked out and sold to international cosmetic companies for testing mascara and artificial tears. The claw on a crane then smashed through the side of Harold’s apartment, and he shouted down to the construction workers that he lived there. They replied that they were demolishing the apartment but then realized they got the wrong address. Professor Jules nonchalantly suggested that Harold forget all about the narrator and just live the rest of his life, however long he had left. Harold moved in with Dave, and when he posed the question what Dave would do if he knew he was dying, Dave replied he would go to space camp like he wanted to when he was a kid but he wasn’t sure if there was an adult program. Meanwhile, Karen and Penny racked their brains for ways to Harold to die (such as a car wreck where he drove off a bridge into the water below after swerving to avoid a bicyclist). The two females even went to the hospital where Penny suggested that Harold get shot in a gang fight. Karen argued that Harold wasn’t in a gang, and then author British Karen asked a nurse at the hospital if she could see the dead-for-sure people who weren’t going to get better for inspiration because seeing the sick and injured people who were going to get better wasn’t helping her. Harold lived his life and stopped counting things obsessively, and he did things he had always wanted to do and even purchased a guitar and learned to play it. Harold also did things he was scared to do, such as bringing Ana “flours,” as a gift and telling her that he didn’t care about the government auditor-auditee protocol because he wanted Ana sexually. Ana invited him to her house so she could make sure she liked him, and Harold sang and played the only song he knew on Ana’s guitar (which he said he wouldn’t include in his final report on her taxes). Ana then interrupted Harold by making out with him passionately and saying she wanted him too, and that led to them waking up in bed naked together. The next morning, Harold told Professor Jules that the story was a comedy because Ana used to hate him but now she was falling in love with him and the narrator confirmed it. Professor Jules (literature professor) showed Harold the list of seven authors who he believed were possible candidates for writing Harold’s book based on what they already knew. Professor Jules pointed out Karen on the Book Channel on TV and said she was one of his favorite authors, even though he called her sociopathic. The Book Channel host believed Karen said the title of her book was Death and Texas, but Karen corrected her that it was Death and Taxes like the Benjamin Franklin quote. Harold announced that the narrator’s voice was definitely Karen, and Professor Jules wasn’t happy about that and didn’t have Karen on his list because Harold didn’t mention the narrator’s British accent. Professor Jules went on to say that Karen always killed off the heroes of her stories, and he used to teach a class on her and wrote her letters but she was untraceable and the last book she published was ten years ago. Karen was out buying cigarettes and the idea of how she was going to kill Harold came to her when she saw a green apple rolling in the street. Karen told Penny she was going to finish the book that day and the idea was so simple she couldn’t believe she didn’t think of it earlier. Meanwhile, Harold went to Karen’s publishers and lied to the clerk that he was married to Karen’s brother (gay) in the state over and he needed to find out where Karen was. The clerk told Harold to leave. Harold then decided to use the IRS system illegally at his work to look up Karen (since she had been audited ten years before) and find her phone number. The phones in the building were down, so Harold ran all over town until he found a payphone. Karen wrote about the phone ringing in her book and then it rang, and after the third ring she picked it up. Harold explained the situation and Karen gave him her address, and she was shocked to see that everything about Harold was just as she had written it. Harold asked Karen if she was still going to kill him now that she knew he was a real person, and she replied that she already wrote about his death but hadn’t typed it yet. Penny convinced Karen to let Harold have the manuscript, and he gave it to Professor Jules to read since Harold couldn’t bring himself to read it himself. Professor Jules later told Harold that Death and Taxes was perhaps Karen’s best novel yet, and it was no good unless Harold died at the end so Professor Jules wanted Harold to knowingly face his death. Professor Jules went on to say that in the grand scheme it wouldn’t matter if they convinced Karen to change the ending because even if Harold avoided this death, another would find him eventually and it was inevitable. Professor Jules was convinced that there was no death more poetic or meaningful than the one Karen wrote for Harold, and even though the hero died the story would live on forever. Harold read the book all in one read and returned it to Karen (who just told Penny that she had killed eight people in her books) telling her that he loved it and she should finish it. Later that night (the night before Harold’s death), Harold told Ana in bed that she could deduct the value of the food she was giving away as a charitable contribution because it amounted to more than what she was currently withholding and it didn’t break any tax laws. Ana replied that the point was to break the tax laws, and Harold replied that he wanted to make the world a better place too and that meant keeping Ana out of jail. The next morning, Karen was having a meltdown unable to light her cigarette as she typed up the ending of the book. Harold was at the bus stop when a young boy on his bicycle (unsupervised) went out in front of a bus and fell. Harold was hit head-on by the bus when he stepped into its path to get the boy out of the street. Karen dropped off the finished manuscript to Professor Jules and asked him to read it because she rewrote the ending. Harold ended up in the hospital, where the doctor informed him that the boy was fine other than a few scratches but Harold didn’t fare so well because his head was cracked, he broke three bones in his leg and foot, broke four ribs, fractured his left arm, and severed an artery in his right arm which should have killed him in minutes but a shard of metal from his watch obstructed the artery keeping the blood loss to low enough to keep Harold alive. The doctor added that Harold would have a piece of watch stuck in his arm for the rest of his life because they were unable to remove it without risk of more arterial damage. Ana arrived and Harold explained that he had to step in the front of the bus to save the boy. Professor Jules wasn’t happy with the new ending and said it was just okay and it was not the most amazing piece of English literature in years. Karen said she was fine with “okay,” and Professor Jules added that it didn’t make sense with the rest of the book. Karen said she would rewrite the rest of it and Penny went to the publisher and requested more time. Professor Jules asked Karen why she changed the book, and she replied that Harold was the type of man she wanted to keep alive because he died willingly knowing he could stop it. The movie ended with Karen narrating that we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies in the midst of everything, and when there were no cookies there was still the feeling of a familiar hand (Ana’s hand on Harold’s in his hospital bed), doing a kind gesture for someone else (Harold sending Dave a pamphlet for the adult program at space camp), subtle encouragement (Penny putting a stop-smoking package on Karen’s desk), a loving embrace or an offer of comfort. Karen added not to mention hospital gurneys, nose plugs, uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, Fender Stratocasters (guitar), and the occasional piece of fiction. Also, the nuances, anomalies and subtleties were there for a much larger and nobler cause, which was to save people’s lives as Harold’s wristwatch saved his life. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Richard Roeper and guest critic, Ebert & Roeper, “Two thumbs way up…one of Will Ferrell’s best performances.” Also, Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, “…magic…”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/22/23

TITLE: Persecuted

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014  Millennium Entertainment / One Media, LLC / Number 1 Films / 

Indieproductions, LLC

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with people protesting in the streets about religious rights and holding signs. Religious leader John Luther was recognized on a TV interview with Diana Lucas as God’s ambassador from countries such as Sudan, North Korea and Iran. Others claimed that Luther’s ministry was intolerant and condescending to people of other faiths, and some in Washington, D.C., believed that Luther’s crusades might threaten the freedom of others. Luther responded that he wasn’t a Republican, he wasn’t a Democrat, he didn’t belong to any particular religious group, he wouldn’t put down anyone’s faith, and his personal history was no better than any of the viewers. Luther went on to say that in his past he was abusive, an alcoholic, gambling drug addict and he deserved nothing less than death until God came into his life. Diana asked about Luther and about the Faith and Fairness Act, and Luther replied that freedom was costly and needed to be defended by work, faith and blood. At Truth Live inside his Truth mega church, Luther read his Bible and prayed and got ready backstage (covering his wrist tattoo with his long-sleeve shirt) as he was being introduced by Pastor Ryan Morris saying that Luther’s past was water under the bridge. Ryan joked that Luther was the only person he ever knew that bought Communion wine in kegs. Ryan added that Luther was a good and loving man and said that Luther was the one to bring them all into a new age and new season in America. A female interrupted Preacher Luther and said Senator Donald Harrison needed to see him immediately. Senator Harrison complimented Luther’s piece of Prime Time and then got down to business and told Luther to get on national television and announce that he fully supported the Faith and Fairness bill because Luther’s ministry reached more people than the Evening News and Harrison was counting on his friend in Luther to get the job done. Luther quoted Jesus’ words about being the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6), and the senator replied it wasn’t about Jesus, it was about fairness and equality for all faiths, not just Luther’s. Luther said all he was interested in was teaching the gospel in the Bible and added it wasn’t illegal to do that in the USA…yet. Senator Harrison pointed out how much in the past he helped Luther, and Luther replied that may be so but Harrison didn’t own him and had already been thanked plenty for what he did. Senator Harrison said the bill was going to happen with or without Luther’s help, but he was giving Luther the opportunity to be on the right side of history. Luther replied that he was not going to water down the gospel (nor dilute Jesus) to advance anybody’s political agenda. Before Luther left to go onstage, Harrison told Luther that he wasn’t speaking just for himself, but Congress when he said that they had reached the terminal end of their patience with Luther. Luther gave Senator Harrison a kiss on the cheek and God blessed him and left. High-strung Ryan gave Luther a talk-up about how Luther was going to kill it like he always did and told Luther that the media scrutiny and the talk of persecution was going to die soon because it came and went and John Luther would be left standing and to forget the politics and bring the truth. Luther went on stage and spoke to the audience about a united faith bill by the government attempting to bring world peace. Senator Harrison made a call and told his conspirator that Luther wasn’t onboard and to go ahead as they planned. Luther preached that mankind had a disease because it was either the world and its religions, politicians, pleasures or, it was God. Luther went on to say that only God could bring peace to His people, and Luther added that they could not legislate the power of God. Luther added that you can’t change your past, but surrendering yourself to God can change your future. As Luther spoke, a secret service man, Agent Gray, picked up a young female in his car and the young teen took the pills that the man offered to her and he guaranteed that the ride he had planned for her was unlike any she ever had before. After Luther finished his sermon, SS Agent Gray arrived with the teen and approached Luther and brought the female to Luther and introduced her as his daughter. The Secret Service government man then had the young girl that the agent drugged then hug Luther while the SS Agent Gray took two pictures of them together in the room with people walking about. Luther didn’t speak to either of them in length and the duo left as quickly as they had come. As Luther drove home late that night, he had a flashback of his young daughter and his wife with him having to skip her recital because he had a sermon to give at the same time but promised both of them breakfast in bed when he returned home. Luther then spotted the same young female suspect from earlier in a field alongside the road waving him down in a skimpy outfit, so he pulled over and asked her what she needed help with. She flirted with Luther to distract him from SS Agent Gray sneaking up behind Luther who then grabbed him and jabbed him in the neck with a needle so he was unconscious. They loaded Luther into the back of his own vehicle, where the female was shown being in sexy positions with Luther on camera so as to frame him in the event something happened to the female later on (unknown to the female because she was full of drugs herself). They then drove back to the site where they picked Luther up by the field to pick up unmarked SS Agent Gray’s vehicle. Next, the SS Agent Gray moved Luther in the passenger’s seat and then called 911 and reported a one-vehicle accident with two injured people and to send an ambulance. The teen female, Mellita, was not injured yet but was waited around for S.S. Agent Gray to get done with his male victim, Luther. Harrison’s dirty SS Agent Gray then slapped Mellita around to the ground. While this happened, someone on the hilltop in a hoodie took video of what was happening near the American Women tattoo parlor alongside the country road. Mellita lay lifeless on the ground at crooked SS Agent Gray’s feet. A dirty police officer buddy of the SS Agent Gray then arrived, and the SS agent was not happy the rogue officer was late. The police officer helped moved Mellita’s dead body into the front seat of the vehicle and discovered that Luther had run off, and the officer said that was what guilty people did. Luther ran past the two people filming on their phones the crime that was committed, and they kept on videoing Luther as the Federal SS Agent Gray and the lone police officer fled the scene of the crime. The 911 police officers then arrived on scene without a clue as to what happened minutes before regarding the staged drama scene of the crime that included a dirty federal agent and one of their own police officers on the wrong side of the law. The next morning, Luther woke up in the mountain woods with a bloody head. He went into the gas station with a police car parked outside, and he tried to wash himself using water from the soda fountain and the clerk, who didn’t recognize who Luther was, told him it was for paying customers only so he left and started walking down the road. Kathy from Helping Hands stopped her white van (with a SUMAC sticker on the back) and assisted Luther with water, and she told him the arms of God weren’t as far away as he thought and she used to look like him not so long ago. Kathy gave Luther her phone and he called his wife Monica. Monica explained that the police were at their house searching for everything and they believed John was involved in the murder of the girl they found in Luther’s abandoned vehicle. John said he couldn’t remember what happened to him and he woke up in the middle of nowhere and they took all of his belongings. A female reporter on the CNW breaking news at the same time said that the evangelist preacher John Luther was possibly charged with statutory rape, child endangerment, drug possession and leaving the scene of an accident. Monica told Luther not to come home because they were watching him, so he hung up the phone and went back to the SUMAC van. Meanwhile, a mob of reporters waited for Senator Harrison to exit the building and they got his comments on camera that regardless of the friendship between him and Luther. Faker Harrison hoped justice would be served (meaning he wouldn’t get caught in his crimes and Luther gets framed) and his heart went out to the family. Questionable Kathy dropped Luther off at a Catholic church in the city where he met with Father Charles Luther, and dad replied that he knew his son John didn’t do it. They listened to the news reporting that 16-year-old Mellita Evans was a runaway who was tragically found dead, and John Luther, an evangelist and CEO of his Truth Ministry, was the alleged rapist and murderer of the young teen. Father Luther told John that he was just a pawn in their political movement of deceit and John brought himself up out of nothing and had millions of followers believing in God. Those that didn’t believe had to bring John down and destroy him in order to gain what they wanted in their ungodly world. Father Luther told John he had two choices, one being he could turn himself in and hope for the best, which wouldn’t turn out well in his favor since he was being charged with first degree murder. John said he was going to prove the truth even if the second choice wasn’t what he liked, and Father Luther told him to prove the truth. As John showered and washed away the blood, he had random flashbacks of Mellita in the backseat of his vehicle taking pictures of her and Luther on a camera phone. The Catholic Father put a large wad of cash in his pocket and gave John a car to drive. Father Luther smoked his cigar and wished John Godspeed as he watched him from the Catholic Church window. Not long after, Senator Harrison met with Ryan and SS Agent Gray. Harrison told Ryan it was his time to shine and use the mega church large email database within the organization to reach the millions of people looking for hope and step up to fill the shoes of the downtrodden Luther. Harrison went on to say that they needed to rise up and take the ministry in a brave new direction and told Ryan that he was the leader to make that happen (Harrison saying it in order to build up Ryan’s confidence because he no doubt wanted Ryan to use his new position within the ministry to reach out to congregations around the world to support and be in favor of the Faith and Fairness bill). Harrison told Ryan that they were going to help Luther as much as they could. Luther checked into a motel, and the clerk wanted an ID and credit card but he had neither (in the background Luther’s picture on the TV news with an FBI manhunt), so with his sunglasses on handed the clerk a $100 bill and she said that would be fine. The clerk dismissed herself and said she had to check on something before renting the room, and she called the police to report a suspicious person. She went back to the desk and Luther had left because he suspected what the clerk was doing. As Luther drove by his house, Ryan was inside sitting close to Monica. Ryan creepily told Monica that he was going to watch over her as he drank champagne. Monica was skeptical of Ryan being there, and then he told her that her husband was a fugitive but she refused to buy into that and Ryan said all Luther had to do then was show up and prove everyone wrong (Ryan was really there to find out If Luther contacted Monica, but she didn’t say so Ryan believed that Luther didn’t). There was then a meeting held by Truth Ministries officials. Dave Wilson stated that them being all-together without hearing Luther’s perspective first was distasteful and wrong. Ryan stood up and said they had to factor in the millions of people in the ministry and take into consideration their needs and their shared responsibility to lead regardless of what Luther did and John Luther was the reason they were having that meeting. Ryan twisted the situation around and said that the fact John was absent and abandoned the ministry was significant. Ryan added that if they signed a piece of legislation uniting all religions, their church would send a message to Washington that they were in it for the long haul and Ryan was all for it. Written in that legislation was if every single member of the board complied, there would be a very generous tax advantage package for them. Ryan told Dave that they were at their worst-case scenario, which Dave always told them to prepare for, and they were ready to take the next step. One spoke up and said the individual tax benefit alone knocked it out of the park so he was all in with Ryan, and it seemed everyone was then persuaded by Ryan to sign Senator Harrison’s Faith and Fairness bill. With his Bible in hand, Luther parked near the American Woman building where the crime scene took place and wept repeating the words that in God he trusted and prayed for help. After dreaming about his wife Monica, Luther woke up the next morning and went inside the American Woman tattoo parlor. He asked the young female that came out of a room if anyone saw what happened outside their building because he identified himself as John Luther, the preacher on the news being framed. The female, who sounded as if she under the influence of some substance, responded that she knew about the madness that went down because she recorded it. She addressed Luther as her brother and told him he had better believe because it was going to cost him if he wanted the footage (luckily, Luther had a roll of cash from his Catholic Father). Two FBI agents stopped Ryan in his light pink jacket as he headed into an office building for a meeting, and they told Ryan he had to wait because they needed to talk to him. Father Luther and bigwigs attended the meeting concerning the Faith and Fairness act. As Father Luther sat in the high-security meeting, he looked up and standing above was the killer SS Agent Gray staring down at him. In the next scene, John called his dad at the Catholic Church. Father Luther told his son that it wasn’t simple to have the evidence John said he did because he was still in Senator Harrison’s way and the footage may not be enough. John and Charles met up in a wooded area on a bench and Charles showed his son a picture of Harrison with the 16-year-old girl before she was murdered (with a black female also in the picture). John thought that because Senator Harrison had been part of his ministry for years he was one of them. Charles enlightened his son that the teen female killed was adopted by Chanisse Evans two days before report of her death. They were able to bypass the waiting list and other formalities to get the adoption processed with the assistance of John’s so-called friend, Senator Harrison, the majority leader in the United States Senate. Charles said aside from the President, there was no other person who was better equipped to withstand a bullet than Harrison. Charles went on to say that with Senator Harrison, it was about power and money, but most importantly it was what he was part of, the people he was associated with, what SUMAC was trying to do, and the results of the legislation and what they were bound to do. Father Charles said to look at China, Russia and Iran and all those places where we don’t bat an eye when they drag people out of their beds in the middle of the night and imprison them under false charges. Charles went on to say that if you asked people in this country about the persecution of Christians, they would just smile and wave it off as nonexistent and it couldn’t happen there. Father Charles handed John a hotel room key and told him to go get himself cleaned up, and he added that what John needed to understand the most was that the eyes of all Americans were on him now because people were looking for a symbol for truth and freedom who would stand up against the thorny barbs and powerful politicians, meaning somebody who was unbending amidst the lies and scandals that were thrown at him and he would get back up when he was knocked down and keep fighting for the truth and justice of the people. Father Charles told John that was what he was going to do because he may be down at the moment, but he would get back up. Father Charles said God would decide who was found wanting because they cannot silence the truth. John gave a copy of footage on a USB drive to Father Charles for safekeeping, and John said he was going to expose the truth about Senator Harrison. Luther later pretended to be the janitor so he could follow Ryan, who showed up in his sports car, through the parking garage. Luther revealed who he really was, and Ryan told Luther the whole country was hunting him. Luther asked Ryan for anything he had like money and then gave Ryan a note to give to Monica. Ryan read Luther’s hotel address, which was the Hotel Blue on 717 Central Avenue and Ryan said he would get it to Monica. Luther left and said he would be in touch as he saw a police officer drive through the parking garage. Senator Harrison received a call from the President in the middle of the night, and the President (who sounded and looked like Clinton) addressed him as Donald and said he had a feeling something wasn’t quite right. The President went on to explain that it was like when the President was under ten years old and he heard a rattling sound on the porch and it turned out to be an eight-foot rattlesnake curled up in the corner with fangs dripping. The President said he handled the situation by wrapping his little nubs around the snake and squeezed until he didn’t have any breath left, and because if he didn’t, the safety of his entire family was in jeopardy (in his southern voice). The President didn’t think Harrison understood his meaning, and Harrison responded the polls were good and the President had nothing to worry about because the President would get his second term in office. The President told the senator that John Luther was Harrison’s misfortune and the President washed his hands of it and then hung up. In the next scene, Father Luther listened to classical music as he reviewed the USB on his computer that John gave him. He heard a noise (after two people were seen sneaking around his remote cabin house in the dark woods) but dismissed it and went back to watching the murder video, and when he tried to call John there was no answer because John was alone swimming in his hotel pool. Father Luther left a message for John to call him because no doubt Father recognized the SS Agent Gray murderer in the video as the same one on the top balcony at the senator’s meeting he attended earlier. Right after Father Luther hung up the phone, Father Luther was shot point-blank in the head by a government rogue hired thug. The Father’s computer and USB evidence was taken away by the two suspects doing the killer dirty work at the federal level using and abusing their all access passes. John drove to Kings Mountain to see his dad and found him dead in his chair. John went outside the very secluded cabin with a gun to look around, and he saw nothing in the surrounding woods. John shouted angrily at God why wasn’t He true to His name. Meanwhile at the Hotel Blue, two FBI agents wired Ryan in a room and discussed Senator Harrison and John. Obviously, Ryan went to the Feds with the note John gave him versus giving the information to John’s wife. Ryan asked the agents what they got paid for because John had prostitution, drug addiction and gambling written all over him so it was an open and shut case against him for the murder. Because they thought John changed, it caused Ryan to doubt his faith a little bit and that was the lesson. The agent said it must have been difficult for Ryan to step up to such a high position to fill John’s shoes, and Ryan replied that a mega church ministry like theirs was run like a Fortune 500 company and Ryan was running it so it was no sleigh ride. John got back to the Hotel Blue and noticed the government-plated vehicle outside, so he drove on to his dad’s church and took Communion. John then told priest William that Father Luther, John’s dad, was executed and was dead. The priest said his name was William, and John asked William for help. Senator Harrison spoke at a SUMAC meeting and said they had never had Christians, Jews and Muslims all standing together in solidarity and they were dead wrong for not being united before. Harrison went on to explain that it was the future of their evolution in that nation because America was no longer a Christian nation and never was. Harrison said a government couldn’t survive prosperously without the steadfast unity of the diverse religious communities. He brought up Martin Luther King, Jr. facing violent opposition when he birthed his beliefs uniting people of all colors. The senator said he had a dream too, which was of a tradition that included faith as diverse as their skins walking hand in hand toward the light. John was in the back of the room listening to Senator Harrison’s speech, and when he walked out an agent spotted him and spoke into his wrist radio device. John sped away with William’ driving his Volvo to a parking garage where a couple of agents and Senator Harrison got into a government vehicle. John and William followed them. It turned out to be a spa they went to, where Senator Harrison wearing a robe came into the room where John was waiting. John said he wanted to know the truth and no more lies after Harrison (acting dumb) said he would make some calls and find out what he could. John held a gun in his hand and asked Harrison why the senator did that to him and ruined his life and shot his father. John added that the senator knew the Faith and Fairness act would not get passed without John’s approval, and Harrison said it was the most crucial document since the Bill of Rights.  The senator explained this was heaven on earth to someone like John because he could preach to every synagogue, temple and mosque known to man and there were no secrets when they had the keys and all faiths were on bended knee before the throne. Luther questioned whose throne. Harrison evaded the question and said he wasn’t John’s enemy and the real enemy was some terrorist guy with a nuclear weapon in a suitcase hiding in a mosque or a temple somewhere and Harrison couldn’t get to him because he didn’t have the oversight. John got up and walked slowly toward the senator not happy that he had an innocent teen girl murdered and ruined John’s life to protect the nation from what the deranged Harrison believed to be terrorism. Harrison replied that in war sometimes there was collateral damage for the greater good. When John said Harrison was like a tree that bore no fruit and would be swiftly cut down, Harrison had a hissy fit and screamed at John to silence his Christian platitudes. John said Senator Harrison used to call himself a Christian, and Harrison warned John that if John exposed his personal history in public it would come back and bite him and it did. Criminal Senator Harrison told John he wasn’t bigger than the system and John thought he could wash himself in the blood of Jesus and his sins would be removed but they weren’t and the public did not take kindly to a sexual predator on the loose. John spoke of David and Saul and that set Harrison off to scream, “stop with the Lord.” At the same time, they both noticed the blinking security camera in the room so John used his gun to knock Senator Harrison in the head and told him to deal with it as he wished. John grabbed the security camera off the wall on his way out. Luther then showed up at his daughter’s school where the kids were playing outside and he said a prayer for his wife and child. Later on at another board meeting in the Truth Ministries Worldwide Headquarters building, Ryan discussed he was all in with uniting the faiths and led everyone in prayer. John went to interrupt the meeting and saw a worker replacing John’s framed pictures on the wall with pictures of Ryan. John walked in to the conference room and closed the door, and when Ryan tried to stop John from saying anything John held his gun up. John walked over and took a look at what the meeting was about with the paperwork on the table, and then he looked at the projection screen and saw the pie charts for 2011, 2012 and 2013 for the ministry donations by age demographic. John said the portfolios must have skyrocketed after partnering with the Senator and told Ryan to hit the button to see the next slide because they signed the deal. It wasn’t bad for tax money and blood money and John asked them all if it was worth it, and then John had the next slide shown and Dave the numbers guy confirmed it was like a 200% increase in salary. Dave said John’s uncompromising approach was admirable but it was not always a practical one. John said he built the place with his bare hands and now the board men were in bed with the government and they were taking tax dollars and believing that the government wouldn’t silence them. As John spoke, Ryan sent a text message to Agent Clark (as Ryan wore his federal wire for the feds to listen). John said the government had a hook in their backs and they didn’t realize it because they were too blinded by ambition, greed and lust. Dave said it was unthinkable what happened to John, but as far as the organization was concerned they were just there picking up the pieces and on damage control. Dave asked John what good it could possibly do to blow their entire credibility on one piece of legislation because then they would spend the rest of their lives wandering the wilderness with no creditably and not able to approach anybody that way. The FBI agents were inside their unmarked white van nearby listening in on the conversation. John reminded them of the man in the wilderness who reached a lot of people, and then John took the wad of money he had on him and flung it in the air on the conference table. Six FBI agents then stormed the building, and John gave his gun to Ryan and walked out. Luther ran down the stairs but saw the agents coming up them, so he hurried out another exit but an agent on the roof spotted John heading towards the parking lot so the agent called it out to his team. John left with William driving his car. As William drove on a nearby road, a car sideswiped them from a side street. The other driver causing the accident happened to be the killer SS agent Gray who then got out of his unmarked car with his gun. The first bullet SS Agent Gray fired at John through the windshield missed. William must have recovered from his injuries and was able to speed away, so Secret Service Agent Gray pointed the gun at the back windshield and the bullet hit John in the back and he was instantly bloody. They stopped at a location, and Willam got out and took the camera that John gave him with Luther’s and Harrison’s conversation in the spa, and John said he needed William to do this. William went into the building and uploaded the video to CNW’s website on a computer and was successful in doing so. John drove away in the car somehow with his bullet wound and car accident injuries. A CNW employee took the footage that he received on email straight to anchorwoman Diana Lucas for her to watch on his phone. Once she saw the video, she had a breaking news report and addressed the nation with new evidence proving John was innocent. Diana said she hadn’t confirmed anything was connected to the charges of John Luther but could verify that the footage they were about to see was raw, unedited video. The President (with alcohol in the background) got a call and confirmed that he was watching the CNW news and told the party on the other end that it was absolutely unforgivable. The president announced that he didn’t want the CIA involved and to give them no access because he wanted his personal Secret Service Agent Gray hitman to get his people out there and do it quietly. Harrison was on the phone at his home trying to track down Luther and told his people to do whatever it took to get them out of the situation. Harrison then went to answer the ringing doorbell. Secret Service Agent Gray was there and shot Harrison dead with hired help inside the Senator’s house. John drove to Kings Mountain as SS Agent Gray followed Luther. However, William’s car then broke down so John pulled over to the side of the road. John got out and ran through the woods, and Federal SS Agent Gray went into the woods to find John, along with another dirty federal Secret Service agent who just arrived in his car. There was a “Caution: Pool Under Repair,” sign where they entered the wooded area. John paused to catch his breath. SS Agent Gray shot at John again, so he kept running. Agent Clark and many other heavily armed FBI agents showed up on scene and went into the woods to find the rogue agents and John. As John ran, he had flashbacks of the senator deceiving John and calling him his friend and saying he needed to be on the right side of history, as well as John’s friend Ryan saying the talk of persecution would die and John would come out on top. John remembered the teen girl in the back of his car, throwing money on the board table, and his dad telling him to get back up when he got knocked down. John did just that and kept running after he collapsed to the ground because he had already lost so much blood. John came around the corner of a wooded building, and SS Agent Gray grabbed Luther while the other dirty SS agent took his coat off and came up behind John and pointed his gun at John’s back. An FBI agent came around the corner and pulled a gun on the crooked agent telling him to put the gun down. The two bad guys United States Secret Service agents then flashed their badges to the FBI agent. SS Agent Gray told the FBI lead man that they were all on the same team as he put his weapon down as they noticed the heavily armed agents in the woods surrounding them. The Secret Service men made eye contact to each other, and one started shooting at the FBI so the Secret Service agent was shot multiple times by the FBI. SS Agent Gray held up his badge in one hand and used the other to pull out his second gun and shoot the female FBI agent, and Agent Gray ran away into the woods with the FBI agents chasing after him. John jumped into the drained pool to get away from the gunfire because he didn’t need to take another bullet for his country that day. He remembered his daughter Jodi asking him if there was any way he could reschedule his sermon and his wife telling him she was sorry, but John did it to himself. Luther took out his phone and called his house, where Jodi answered the phone and said she drew a picture in Sunday School. Monica took the phone and told John that they were dropping the charges and it was all over the news and the President got involved. John apologized to Monica for shutting her out and told her she was the love of his life and if he didn’t make it out of that he wanted her to be free. Monica told John it was time to come home, but the call was interrupted when the wounded female FBI agent was on her feet looking around close by John for the missing killer SS Agent Gray. SS Agent Gray grabbed the wounded female FBI agent and held her hostage as the other agents surrounded them. John climbed up the side of the pool. Luther grabbed the gun that fell out of the agent’s hand, and he used it to shoot Agent Gray from behind. John then collapsed and was taken to the hospital by an ambulance. Back at Truth ministry headquarters later on, John’s pictures were being put back up on the wall and he walked into the building to applause by the board members. He was told they were being flooded with donations and they were going to have the best quarter yet. They said they prayed over what to do and couldn’t believe that John was back so soon and wasn’t in the hospital for weeks. Dave said that now John had been cleared, they could reconvene as soon as possible to get John reinstated so everything could go back to normal like nothing ever happened. They also had some exciting ideas for the next quarters and incredible outreach opportunities, and they went on to say that John had cards and letters from all over the place because the whole world was standing behind them. Dave added that it was unprecedented and God Himself was going to take what happened to John and use it as testimony to reach millions more around the globe and it would open doors for the church. John excused himself from the sellouts and retrieved his Bible from his desk. In the next scene, Diana was interviewing John again and asking him if he would fall on his own sword over all of that. John said if you take away a man’s right to speak his mind in a country founded on that very principle (freedom of speech) then you didn’t really have a country and there was really no sword left to fall upon. John then walked out of the building with his Bible without speaking to the board. After that, John was invited to the White House, where the President introduced his long-time friend John Luther to the audience. Before the President let John talk, the President walked over to John and gave him a hug and told him that he was the American that fought his government and survived and everybody was there to hear what John had to say and advised John to be real nice because the President expected to get reelected out of all of that mess and it was basically a warning. John took the podium and didn’t say a word and that is how the movie ended. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Newsmax “A Christian film that takes a modern-day turn to fight for religious liberty in America.” / Ted Baehr, Movieguide “A provocative, suspenseful political thriller.” / The Dove Foundation “[Persecuted is] a compelling story that shows what one man with faith can accomplish.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/21/23

TITLE: Johnson Family Vacation

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2004  20th Century Fox / Fox Searchlight Pictures / Hallway Pictures / 

A Bird And A Bear Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in California and began with Nathaniel “Nate” Johnson and his son, Divernius James “D.J.” going to the car shop but ended up driving a Lincoln Navigator on their family road trip to Caruthersville, Missouri, for the Johnson family reunion. Once there, Nate’s family and his older brother Mack’s family would compete for the Family of the Year trophy. Nate had wanted an eight-track installed for music, but there was a mix-up and several other changes were made to the car, including a “UR INSRD,” license plate. Nate didn’t want to drive the Lincoln car around, but he was told to take it on his trip free of charge as long as he returned it in the same pristine condition. Nate and his wife Dorothy were separated and lived in separate houses, and she told him that she was only going along for the trip because their youngest daughter Destiny’s birthday was the following day and they would celebrate at the Bun World restaurant along the way. Dorothy could hardly get her eldest daughter, Nikki, off the phone and dad Nate told Nikki to go finish making the rest of her outfit (half-shirt and shorty shorts) that Nikki made herself. Nikki changed outfits, and before they left, Stanley “Stan” Turner, Dorothy’s study partner for CPA accounting, showed up to give Dorothy flowers. Nate was worried that Dorothy was seeing other people and sent Stan running. Not long after they embarked on the road trip, Destiny spilled Froot Loops all over the car. Nate didn’t want to listen to any of D.J.’s rap CDs (because he hoped to be a rapper someday), so Nate announced that all the rappers had been shot and threw the CDs out the window one by one. D.J. then threw his dad’s CDs out the window too. When Nate took a shortcut, he started speeding and passed a Tenderwipes truck to get in front of it. The big rig rear-ended them and then the trunk popped open and their clothes and supplies fell out. Dorothy convinced Nate to stop at an Arizona hotel for the night, and Nate got himself and Dorothy a room. Gladys, the hotel manager, gave Nate champagne and chocolate to surprise Dorothy with after Nate assured her that they were for his wife and not a woman he was having an affair with. Nate went to the hot tub to hang out with Dorothy, and she acted like she was going to have sex with him after three months and took his swimming trunks (rented from Gladys) off but then left leaving him completely naked in the tub and put the shorts hanging up nearby. Gladys came out and spotted Nate in the hot tub with a group of overweight women who joined him, and she got the wrong impression and took his trunks away. Nate sneaked back into the hotel naked, and another family who saw him and were shocked. Nate interrupted the silence by inviting the adults to get rid of the kids and their clothes and join Nate for a game of butt-naked Uno. In New Mexico the next day, Nate refused to stop at the huge mall Nikki wanted to go to and instead took the family to Little Tanawanda Village. They discovered that it was now a casino and not the family venue it used to be, and when Nate asked for directions to a real Indian village an employee named Navarro. He gave Nate directions and flirted with Nikki giving her his phone number until Nate separated them. Teen Nikki told Nate that she wasn’t a little girl anymore, and Nate car-grounded her. Destiny wanted to stop and help the nun alongside the road whose car was broken down. Nate replied that he taught the kids to never pick up strangers and the nun could be a serial killer, but then Nate picked up a young female hitchhiker named Chrishelle Rene Boudreau gypsy woman. They stopped at Bun World for Destiny’s birthday, and Nate asked Chrishelle to say grace. Chrishelle mentioned God in the first sentence, but then called upon the voodoo (part Roman Catholic ritual and part African ritual) power of darkness to unite all of them. They then rented a hotel room for Chrishelle and another for the family, and before bed Dorothy and six-year-old daughter Destiny took a bath together. A small alligator in Dorothy and Nate’s bed interrupted sleep, and everybody screamed and jumped up on the kids’ bed. Nate took the alligator to the bathroom to drown it in the tub, but then Chrishelle came in and took her pet alligator Twinkie away saying he would never hurt a fly. Chrishelle didn’t go any further with the family, and in Kansas, Nate refused to pull over so D.J. could go to the bathroom because he drank too many Pepsi drinks. D.J. then urinated in a drink cup in his seat with his sisters in the seating behind him and his parents in the front seats and then D.J. put the drink back in the front cup holder as the cup belonged to his parent. D.J. told his dad that if his rapping didn’t work out, he would start a hip-hop pajamas line called D.J.’s PJs, baggy always. Nate replied that he told Dorothy not to stand by the microwave when she was pregnant with D.J. Nate noticed there was a notebook on sleeping Dorothy’s lap with Stan’s phone number written in it, so Nate threw the notebook out the window. The litter trash from the fast moving vehicle knocked the speed detector (detecting Nate going over 80 mph) out of a motorcycle officer’s hands so he chased them down. Nate reached for his drink, and D.J. told him not to drink it. Nate thought the drink smelled weird so he threw the urine filled cup out of the window too. The cup hit the officer’s motorcycle windshield and the pee splattered all over the police officer’s face and motorcycle windshield. Nate then carelessly went off the road through a construction zone and hit the back of a cement truck. It poured cement all over the car and fried the GPS system. Nate told the officer that he and his family were headed to a reunion and asked the officer to hook a brother up. The family was put in jail. The Sheriff told Nate that a reefer (more than likely Chrishelle’s) was found in his car and Nate would be in the chair (electrical) if they were two counties South. Nate protested, so the Sheriff tased him but then agreed to let the family go without waiting for the judge because Dorothy (accounting work field) did the officer’s taxes for him. They now had no money and ran out of gas, and because the cell phones weren’t charged Nate walked to find a phone and call Uncle Earl the mechanic. Uncle Earl tried to get the car running by messing with the wires and then announced that the only problem was they had no gas, which Dorothy had already told him in the beginning but he didn’t listen. Earl didn’t have any gas on hand, so he drove the family to the reunion by carrying the Lincoln on the back of his truck. At the reunion, Nate and Mack competed in prayer and bashed each other while doing so, and Nate mentioned the time Mack had sex with Nanette Green on the brothers’ mom Glorietta’s quilt and she could never get the stains off it. The talent show was the tie breaking for the Family of the Year contest. Mack and his family danced in karate uniforms. Nate borrowed an afro and he and his family rapped, and it was decided that they won. Nate announced that his family was the only trophy he needed, so he gave the trophy to Mack. However, the Tenderwipes truck from earlier than crashed the party (literally by smashing into things) and sent everyone running, and Mack had a meltdown asking God what he did wrong when the truck ran over the trophy and crushed it. The driver turned out to be Stan, who brought Dorothy a rose and thought she told him one time that she wanted to be with him forever. Dorothy corrected Stan that he got it wrong and she actually said that the professor was lecturing forever. She added that she and Stan had only studied together twice, one time being over the phone, and she had a husband. Stan demanded to know why Dorothy and Nate lived in separated houses, and none of the other Johnson family members had known about that. Nate explained that their separation was his fault for not supporting Dorothy in her dreams, but now he realized that was wrong and wanted to get back together with Dorothy. Nate was going to take care of Stan, but Mama Glorietta decked him first. The family then went to Earl’s service shop to pick up the Lincoln, and the kids and parents walked in on Earl and his young, belly-showing girlfriend Tangerine sexy dancing. Earl flattered Dorothy in front of Tangerine, and then he showed them the car that he fixed up and it looked as good as new. However, when the Nate and family arrived home to California, the Lincoln rental car fell apart in the driveway. Dorothy told Nate not to worry about it so they could go into the house to have sex since it had been three months. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Sylvia Flanagan, Jet Magazine, “I couldn’t stop laughing!” and Cinema Eye, “The cast is fantastic!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/20/23

TITLE: Shallow Hal 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2001  20th Century Fox / Conundrum Entertainment / Farrelly Brothers Movie

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in North Carolina and began with Reverend Larson dying in the hospital. The doctor explained to Mrs. Larson that the reverend wasn’t himself and was on a morphine drip. The nurses reduced the drug medication after the holy man in pain started talking about cowboys and Pudding Town. Mrs. Larson insisted that her young son, Hal, be able to say goodbye to his dad. As dad and son were alone in the room, the reverend advised nine-year-old Hal to never settle for average, don’t do what the reverend did by marrying for love because Hal’s mom Betty was a nightmare (Hal corrected that his mom’s name was Marian), and find himself a classical beauty with perfect boobs to marry, which would put him in good stead with the Lord and the reverend picked up his Bible and said it was all in there. The reverend died saying hot young tails were what it was all about, and Hal left the room in tears. Many years later, and with mom out of the picture, adult Hal and his buddy, Mauricio Wilson, were at a club trying to dance with women. Mauricio said he was breaking up with his girlfriend Lindy, and Hal couldn’t believe it because Lindy was gorgeous. Mauricio explained that he didn’t want to deal with the circus sh** of Lindy’s second toe being half an inch longer than her big toe. Hal announced that he was going out with Jill, his neighbor across the hall, and he hurried out to catch her on her way home. Jill told Hal that she was breaking up with him because she wasn’t attracted to him, and Hal argued that most people dating weren’t attracted to each other until later on in their relationship. Jill went on to say they only had one date and weren’t really going out, and Hal begged Jill to stay with him for five days because he was getting a promotion to the wholesaler position at his workplace, JPS Funds, the following day and he wanted to be able to show off his “girlfriend,” at the dinners and parties. Jill refused and suggested that Hal consider moving to a different apartment so he wouldn’t have to see or think about Jill. The next day, Hal was informed that someone else got the promotion. His coworkers told him that Jill wasn’t right for him anyway and her breasts weren’t even real, and Hal argued that they were real enough for him because he could squeeze them. They pointed out Hal’s flaw, which was picking women based on their outside looks and how the good-looking girls he had gone after for the past five years were way out of his league because Hal himself wasn’t good-looking. In the elevator, Hal met Tony Robbins (as himself), the TV self-help guru, and Hal mentioned Tony helping Pamela Anderson. The elevator suddenly stopped, so Hal and Tony had to entertain themselves for several long minutes. Hal explained that a woman dumped him without one last night of sex, which Hal called a severance pop and had to explain to Tony who was clueless as to that phrase. Hal described his perfect woman using a combination of body parts from female celebrities, and Tony said Hal was being shallow in the way he looked at women. Tony tried to have a serious conversation with Hal and asked him which he would prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain, and Hal was concerned about how big the remaining breast was. Hal said he didn’t remember too much about his dad and his mom was great, and Tony said he would do Hal a huge favor and give him free advice. The advice was to only look at the inside of a person from then on and respond to that, since inner beauty was the true form. Tony told Hal to close his eyes and imagine himself on a beach at sunset looking into a woman’s eyes and seeing her heart and soul. Later on, Hal then shared a taxicab with Katrina, who was from Boston and had taken a year off from school to help her sick grandmother. Hal and Katrina hit it off immediately, and he gave her his phone number and email. Hal then called Mauricio and they went to the club, where Hal explained that he felt more confident after his meeting with Tony and the first beautiful woman he saw seemed to go crazy for him. Mauricio then left the table because Walt, a spina bifida victim who walked on all fours, came over and Mauricio thought Walt was full of himself. Walt told Hal that he was retired because he sold his company to Microsoft. Hal then danced with Bella, who worked at the Foundation Fighting Blindness with her friends. Hal even danced with the labeled unattractive women even after Mauricio tried to separate Hal from them. Mauricio then stopped talking to Hal and refused to take his calls, and as Hal tried to get ahold of Mauricio he spotted a female named Rosemary Shanahan on the street and followed her into a store. Because of the “trance,” Tony put Hal under, Hal saw Rosemary as a fit and thin attractive female and not the heavyweight lady that she and everyone else saw her as. Hal commented on the very large underwear Rosemary was holding up and said it was too big for her, and she called him a jacka**. Hal apologized and took out Rosemary out to lunch, where she explained that she was volunteering at the hospital while she waited for a Peace Corps re-up to come through. Rosemary ordered a big meal, and Hal was impressed that she wasn’t one of those girls who ordered a glass or water and a crouton that ruined the whole point of going out to eat. Rosemary replied that no matter what she ate her weight stayed the same so she decided she would eat what she wanted even though the people who counted calories were thinner than her. Hal couldn’t believe it and said Rosemary looked to be about 110 or 115 pounds, and she asked which of her butt cheeks he was talking about. Rosemary’s chair then gave way and she fell to the floor, and Hal yelled at the employees for not having well-made chairs even though they were made of steel. Two men gave Hal crap for dating an overweight woman, but of course he didn’t see Rosemary as that and told them off. Hal asked for Rosemary’s phone number, and she was shocked that he would want to go out with her but agreed. Hal said it was funny that Rosemary’s last name was Shanahan because his boss’s name was Steve Shanahan. Rosemary confirmed Steve was her dad. Hal told Mauricio about Rosemary and said she was too pretty to be so nice. Mauricio said it was ugly duckling syndrome where Rosemary had been ugly for so long that she didn’t realize it when she turned pretty because the ugly self-image was so ingrained. Lindy came along and invited Mauricio to a Beatles concert where Eric Clapton was filling in for John, but Mauricio took one look at Lindy’s toe and said he wasn’t a Clapton fan. Hal introduced Mauricio to Rosemary, and he called her a cow. Rosemary got a call from her mom and asked Hal to get her a beer and nachos, and then she brought Hal to the hospital and introduced him to the child patients she was helping. Nurse Tanya Peeler interrupted and told Rosemary to get the kids back in bed, and Rosemary told Hal to ignore Nurse Sourpuss and then she asked the kids if they wanted to play the kissing game. The object of the game was for the kisser to kiss until the lipstick came over the person they were kissing, and Hal wanted to go first. By the end of the game, both Hal and Rosemary’s faces were covered with lipstick marks. Hal asked Rosemary to come up to his apartment, but she refused and didn’t want Hal to give her any more compliments about her being pretty and thin because it made her uncomfortable. Hal said he would have to assume Rosemary was nutty if she didn’t think she was beautiful. The next day, Hal told Mauricio it was too good to be true because Rosemary turned out to be a psycho and it was scary that her self-image was so far off. Mauricio agreed with Rosemary that Hal was immature, and then Rosemary came to the door and apologized for what she said the previous night. Rosemary and Hal went out canoeing and swimming and then to meet Rosemary’s parents. Irish-accented Steve was shocked at the half-shirt and shorty-shorts Rosemary was wearing after going swimming, but Hal said that Rosemary didn’t have to put any more clothes on around him and to keep it casual. Hal told Steve some of the ideas he had to make the company better, and Steve said he wanted Hal to make a presentation at the meeting with the executive committee. Steve then asked Hal to cut the crap with the compliments about Rosemary because Steve hadn’t been able to bounce her on his knee since she was two. Hal said he read about people like Steve, super achievers with impossible standards where nothing was ever good enough for them and they never realized that their kids were people with feelings and were more than just extensions of their parent. Hal and Rosemary went to his apartment to sleep the night, and skinny Rosemary was shown undressing in front of Hal and taking off her bra and thong underwear showing her almost naked butt. The next morning, Jill asked Hal if he wanted to come over to her place that night to drink wine and watch a movie but he turned her down. After the executive meeting, Steve told Hal that his daughter was lucky to have Hal and Steve was embarrassed by the things he said the other day. Steve went on to say that he wanted Hal to work directly for him from then on, and when Hal stood there not knowing what to say other than thanks, Steve told Hal to get the fu** out of his office. Hal’s coworkers made him a celebration cake but told him that he needed to break off the relationship with Rosemary before he hurt her. At the gym, Mauricio said that as Hal’s friend, he looked the other way while Hal got it out of his system and banged a few fatties. Mauricio bashed the unattractive women Hal danced with at the club a while ago and said he thought Vicki was a guy so he called her Vic. Mauricio went on to say that the girl Hal was with now was the worst and had cankles (look who’s talking, coming from overweight Mauricio), and Hal argued that Mauricio was just inventing excuses to dump girls because he was afraid. Mauricio added that Hal wouldn’t even be talking to that woolly mammoth Rosemary if her dad wasn’t the company president. Hal and Rosemary went on a biking trip with Walt (who Rosemary already knew because he was also a hospital volunteer) and his girlfriend Nurse Tanya. They stopped at a bar/inn, where two Peace Corps members that Rosemary knew, Ralph Owens (Rosemary’s former boyfriend and division leader in Sierra Leone) and Li’iBoy, met up with her. Meanwhile, Mauricio hunted down Tony Robbins and accused him of hypnotizing Hal because Hal lowered his standard in the dating field and was only into fat and ugly women now. Tony corrected that he altered Hal’s perception so he would see that inner beauty was the easiest thing in the world to see when you’re looking for it. Mauricio had a major meltdown and said he didn’t care if Hal wanted to go back to his normal self, it was about Mauricio wanted and he wanted his friend back. Mauricio lied that Hal’s job was at stake, so Tony said it was a shame but agreed to give Mauricio the code phrase to snap Hal out of his hypnosis.At dinner at McIntosh’s, Rosemary told Hal that Ralph and his group would ship out to Carabas where they were having an economic meltdown. They wanted Rosemary to go with them and help feed and give medical supplies to 100,000 women and children. Hal was upset and said it was about Rosemary and pretty boy Ralph being together again because Hal couldn’t compete with saintly Ralph and could practically see the halo around his head. Rosemary argued that she was in love with a better guy, Hal, and then the booth broke beneath Rosemary and she (skinny Rosemary) spread her legs wide open as she fell to the floor exposing her crotch and panties under her dress. Hal told the hostess Tiffany what happened, but was interrupted by Mauricio calling him on the phone with the code word “Shallow Hal wants a gal,” to snap Hal out of his ugly girl state of mind. Hal got off the phone in a hurry, and because he was ole Hal again Hal noticed that Tiffany was now a trans-male who explained to Hal that the chair was replaced and the meal was paid for. Hal noticed an overweight woman resembling Rosemary sitting at the table, and he was about to go confront her but Mauricio grabbed Hal, put his hand over Hal’s mouth before he could say anything and dragged him out of the restaurant. Mauricio explained that Hal wasn’t irresistible to women. Hal desired the undesirable because Tony hypnotized him so that he would see ugly girls with inner beauty as supermodels. Katrina from the cab ride then came over and was happy to see Hal, but he didn’t recognize her because she was no longer outwardly beautiful. Hal later tricked Mauricio into saying that he wouldn’t care if other people thought his love interest Wonder Woman was unattractive because Mauricio knew it wasn’t true. Hal said that was the way it was with Rosemary, and then they agreed they needed to talk to Tony again. Mauricio advised Hal to avoid Rosemary until then because otherwise he would need the Jaws of Life to get her overweight image out of his head. Rosemary came to the door and wanted to come in, and Hal tried to tell her he couldn’t open the door because he had contagious conjunctivitis but Rosemary was insistent. Mauricio put cream over Hal’s eyes so he couldn’t see the real Rosemary when he opened the door to talk to her for a minute. Hal and Rosemary stopped communicating for a few days, and when Hal did speak to Rosemary on the phone he told her everything would be fine because she was concerned things were different and didn’t feel the same. Jill later knocked on Hal’s door and wanted to take him to dinner since her girlfriend couldn’t make it. She explained that she was wrong for thinking Hal was shallow and cutting him off because they could have had more things in common if she wanted to, and now she realized he was unshallow and he didn’t care at all about appearances since he was with Rosemary. The Shanahan family came to the same restaurant for dinner, and Rosemary spotted Hal and Jill sitting together holding hands and she went to the restroom in tears. Jill suggested they order the food to go because it would taste better in bed, and Hal replied that a man could either choose to have any girl he wanted or settle down with one woman for the rest of his life. It might seem like the guy was missing out on a lot with the second option, but he wasn’t because he was happy and that was the road Hal was going to take. He walked right by Rosemary leaving the restaurant without even realizing it was the real Rosemary. Hal then called Rosemary on the phone, and she hung up tearfully saying he was a psycho. Five days later, Steve told Hal to leave Rosemary alone and that she accepted the Peace Corps assignment. Steve went on to say that he tried to like Hal because he hoped there was still a decent guy out there that was right for his daughter, and it turned out that guy was Ralph and he and Rosemary were back together. Steve told Hal to respect Rosemary’s chance to be happy. Hal went to the hospital to see Rosemary, and Walt stopped him along the way and told him Rosemary left earlier. Cadence, one of the children Hal met earlier, came out of the pediatric burn unit. Hal didn’t recognize Cadence from then and now because her real outward appearance had terrible burns on one side of her head. Hal said he hadn’t been to see the kids because he and Rosemary were having relationship issues, and Cadence suggested that Hal buy Rosemary a present and make up. Mauricio later confessed that he was terrified of women and hadn’t been close to one his whole life, and it was because he had a birth defect that was an abnormally long backbone that resulted in a tail. Hal demanded to see it, so in the middle of the street Mauricio pulled down his pants to show him the waggly puppy dog tail on his lower back. Hal suggested that Mauricio have it cut off, and Mauricio said he should have thought of that when the bully seniors were barking at him in school and said no doctors would touch it. Hal told Mauricio that some girls would think it was cute as a button, and that cheered Mauricio up. Mauricio drove Hal to the Peace Corps, where he saw both Li’iBoy, now overweight, and a not-so-good looking Ralph. Hal told Ralph that he deserved Rosemary more than Hal and needed to be good to her. Ralph replied that he and Rosemary weren’t together and her parents lied if they said otherwise (which they did) and didn’t even invite Ralph to the going-away party they were having for Rosemary. Hal went to the Shanahan house and made out with the first overweight woman he saw thinking she was Rosemary. She happened to be Helga the maid, and Mrs. Shanahan came along and told Hal to release Helga. In the backyard where the party was, Rosemary wasn’t happy to see Hal. He said he was wrong for the way he hurt Rosemary, but she was the only girl he had ever loved and he wanted to spend the rest of his life making it up to her. Rosemary said she was leaving for Carabas soon and would be gone 14 months, and Hal announced that he was going with her because Li’iBoy officially swore him into the Peace Corps half an hour ago. Rosemary was very happy, and because Hal couldn’t pick her up she picked him up and carried him to the car. Rosemary and Hal left for their mission, and Mauricio hooked up with a lady at the party. This movie had a budget of $40 million and grossed over $140 million at the box office. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Jay Carr, The Boston Globe, “Big-hearted and funny!”  Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times, “Very funny!”  Tom Gliatto, People Magazine, “One of the year’s best comedies!”  WFLD-TV, “…heartwarming and hilarious – an unbeatable combination!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/19/23

TITLE: The Nutty Professor

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1996  Universal Studios / Imagine Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with Professor Sherman Klump, hoping to lose his 400 pounds of excess weight, watching a Lance Perkins workout video and having Lance Perkins weight-watching meals in his refrigerator. Sherman then went to work at his university job and discovered on campus that the 5,000 hamsters from Sherman’s genetics lab were running around causing chaos. Sherman bumped the lever with his large backside the previous night when he locked up the lab room and that “accidentally” opened the dozens of hamster cages. Shortly after, Sherman discovered that the weight-loss serum he created to manage and alter the overweight hamster’s (Shelley) genes and reduce her body fat by 20% in one feeding actually worked. Dean Richmond was upset with Sherman because their latest wealthy donor was hospitalized as a result of the hamster incident so she backed out of funding the science department (like many other people before her stopped their funding because of something Sherman did). Richmond warned Sherman not to mess things up with the new donor, Harlan Hartley, since he was considering donating a $10 million grant to the university and Sherman’s job depended on that happening. After class, Sherman pulled a Snickers bar out of the candy-filled secret compartment in his desk drawer. He then met co-worker Carla Purty, a grad student teaching her first chemistry class who was a big fan of Sherman’s work. Sherman fell in love with Carla at first sight. Sherman that evening had one of his occasional dinners with his family (with Mama and Grandma Klump sounding like males), where the family all seemed to have bad manners and grossly obnoxious. Sherman’s dad Cletus complained about Luther Vandross and all the other people trying to lose weight and get healthy, and Cletus believed that Oprah Winfrey shouldn’t have lost weight because she was a fox when she was extremely overweight. Cletus told Sherman that he could sew up his stomach and his a-hole, but he would always be fat like the rest of them. There was then a farting competition that ended with Cletus messing in his pants. Mama told Sherman not to care about what his dad said because he could do anything he wanted to if he believed in himself and his outside looks didn’t matter. Another day, Sherman then awkwardly asked Carla out on a date, and she agreed they should go to The Scream club. After Sherman saw Lance on TV again, he decided he would lose weight and tried exercise, diet and acupuncture. At the Scream club, Reggie Warrington, the comedian, got a laugh out of the crowd by bashing women with curly hair and white men. Reggie then singled out Sherman and made hateful comments about his weight, and the audience couldn’t stop laughing and egged Reggie on. Carla felt sorry for Sherman. After surviving that abusive and awful date night, Sherman then decided to drink his own rodent serum to restructure his DNA, and he passed out on the floor and woke up with all the excess weight gone. Sherman was ecstatic that he didn’t need to wear a bra anymore and went around screaming about how thin he was. Sherman then introduced his new fake self to Carla as Buddy Love, Sherman’s confidante, and said it was Sherman’s idea for Buddy and Carla to go to the Scream that night on a date. Buddy’s voice then started to sound like Sherman’s again and his fingers swelled, and he rushed out of the room because the serum wore off and he was back to being overweight Sherman. Sherman took another swig of the serum whenever he needed to be Buddy, and that night he was an hour late to meet Carla at the club and she was upset and was going to leave. Buddy got down on his knees and, with everyone staring at him, screamed excuses and begged Carla to eat dinner with him until she agreed. Carla was shocked that Buddy could eat platefuls of food and stay so thin, and then Reggie came onstage. Carla said she hated Reggie, and Buddy told Carla to give the nigger a chance. Now that Buddy wasn’t the one being picked on, he fake laughed crazy hard at Reggie’ jokes and screamed “I can’t breathe.” Buddy told Reggie that he made a living by taking someone’s personal defect and twisting it around to make it a hateful joke. Buddy turned into the comedian and remarked that Reggie’s mother must have had an affair with Mr. Ed in the barn because of how Reggie’s gums and teeth looked. They went on to do too many horrible and hateful “your mother is so fat…” jokes that it sent Reggie into a fit trying to “karatasize,” Buddy. Buddy got the better of Reggie and locked him inside the grand piano, and the crowd loved Buddy and Carla was glad he did that to Reggie. Buddy and Carla then kissed, and Buddy’s voice changed to Sherman and his lip swelled up. He blamed it on an allergic reaction to Carla’s Chanel lipstick, but then other parts of him got bigger and the buttons on his shirt popped so he rushed out of the club. One of Sherman’s university students at the same nightclub, Jason, noticed that Buddy used Sherman’s credit card and jumped in Buddy’s sports car to confront the imposter. Buddy took off swerving through traffic and almost caused an accident as his transformation into Sherman occurred, and Jason was horrified and said it was some Freddy Krueger sh**. Sherman had to be cut out of the car by the fire department because it was too small for him to fit in. The next day, Dean Richmond wanted to know why Buddy put a $47,000 luxury car on his faculty account, and Sherman lied that he put his car in the shop and that was the only car they had to rent. Richmond told Sherman that he arranged for him to have dinner with Hartley at the Ritz to discuss Sherman’s grant proposal. Dean Richmond threatened Sherman that if he messed it up, Richmond would literally kill Sherman by strangling him and cutting off his air supply until he passed away. Sherman revealed to Jason what was going on, and Jason said that Sherman switching between his kind and considerate self to oversexed and obnoxious Buddy was wrong and almost got them killed the previous night. Sherman agreed it was wrong but he would keep at it because he had never been in love before and wanted to be with Carla. Sherman told Carla that Buddy was unreliable, so she said she would forget about him. Sherman then invited Carla to dinner with him and his family. Grandma went off about how Carla and Sherman should get married at the church, which would marry anybody but lesbians, even though Grandma had nothing against lesbians and loved them. Carla was very embarrassed by the family’s behavior at the dinner table where Cletus had another farting fit. After dinner, Sherman apologized to Carla and she said she still had her mind on Buddy. Sherman said he would find Buddy for her, and by that he meant transforming into Buddy so he could have sex with Carla instead of attend the meeting with Hartley. Jason didn’t want Sherman to do that, so Buddy locked Jason in the lab. When Carla came home to her apartment, she discovered Buddy basically bought out the florist shop and left her a note asking her to dinner at the Ritz. Buddy mentioned getting them a room when they arrived at the Ritz, and Carla thought he was getting ahead of himself because it was just supposed to be dinner but she agreed when Buddy argued that he didn’t want to share Carla with all those people and just wanted to talk to her alone in their room. Richmond announced that Sherman was late, and Richmond decided that Professor Buddy Love would fill in for Sherman since Carla said Buddy knew all about Sherman’s work. Buddy walked away to wine and dine the moneyman and commented to Carla on her thong made of licorice. Buddy scribbled his formula on the chalkboard for Hartley to see and then went off on a tangent about the people around the Ritz having weight issues. Richmond then told Buddy that Hartley loved him and would be at the Alumni Ball, and Buddy needed to be there to prove that the formula worked so they could get their grant. Buddy was happy to sit down at a table with the nice-a**ed ladies, and a while later Carla overheard the three women in the bathroom saying they were all going to be with Buddy in a sexual way. Carla confronted Buddy with a slap to the face and called him a sick, twisted freak, and he watched her leave the Ritz saying he would rather have six titties than two anyway. Buddy had a party at his (Sherman’s) place that night where he burned all his Lance health meals, and the next morning he woke up as Sherman in bed with the three females that he slept with the previous night. Carla came over to Sherman’s house to talk to him, but when she spotted the three women and was upset and then stormed out of the house saying Sherman was a pig like Buddy and they must share girls because those were the same women Buddy was with. Sherman then saw the eviction notice on his door for violation of noise ordinance (from him blasting his music and being loud when he was home partying). Jason brought Sherman to the university to show him that his name was being taken off the door and replaced with Buddy’s. Dean Richmond announced that he decided he wouldn’t kill Sherman physically, but professionally instead and not only fire him from that university but also make sure that no other university ever hired him. Sherman decided he was going to reclaim his life and go to the ball that night by getting rid of all his serum. However, when Sherman drank a Lance health Megashake, it turned out Buddy tricked him and it was filled with serum. Sherman turned into Buddy, who explained to Jason his plan to drink an entire bottle of serum at once and turn into Buddy permanently. Buddy punched Jason unconscious, and when he woke up he hurried to get to the ball when he discovered that Buddy cranked the testosterone in his serum way up. Buddy arrived at the ball and Dean Richmond tried to get onto him for being late, so Buddy screamed that he would kill Richmond by strangling. Buddy demonstrated the serum by switching back and forth between Buddy and Sherman to show the crowd how it worked for instant weight loss. Jason showed up and told everyone that Buddy was trying to kill Sherman, so Buddy punched Jason out again. Sherman and Buddy switched back and forth between their two different selves until Sherman triumphed and Buddy was gone forever. Sherman explained that he started his research to help people, but then he became selfish and wrongly thought he wanted to be Buddy. Sherman learned from Buddy to be happy with himself and not worry about his weight, and he apologized for the disruption and left the ball. Carla followed Sherman and asked him to come back with her to dance while Hartley told Dean Richmond that he was going to give Sherman the grant because he realized Sherman was a brilliant scientist and a gentleman. This movie had a budget of $54 million and grossed $274 million at the box office. Gene Siskel from Siskel & Ebert was quoted on the movie cover art as saying, “Spectacularly funny! Two thumbs up.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 9/18/23

TITLE: Four Enchanted Sisters

BOX OFFICE RATED: TV-PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2020 Viva Kids / Buena Vista International / Blue Eyes Films / Dor Film / Pixomondo Studios / Story House Productions / International Arri Media

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a man narrating that there was an elf dust fountain hidden in the cellar of the Cantrip Towers estate. Whenever four sisters were born into the family, they had the ability to use the fountain to master the four elements: fire, water, earth and air. One of the sisters had a daughter named Glenda, who they discovered was able to alter objects so her father decided she was the chosen one and might be able to control all four elements herself. However, when Glenda and her dad tried to take the power, things went awry and Glenda’s three brothers closed the elf fountain. Glenda believed her brothers conspired against her and she plotted revenge, and her disability was not being able to do magic when she was upset because she threw up toads. Thinking about barbecued kittens calmed her down. In modern day, there were four Cantrip sisters (Flame the eldest with fire power, Marina the second oldest with water power, Flora the third oldest with earth power and Sky the youngest who received her air power on her ninth birthday) living at the Towers with their mother and father. Sky didn’t know anything about the magic her sisters had because the older sisters kept it hidden from the youngest until she got her power. Eldest Flame explained that they needed to continue to keep their powers a secret from their parents because they freaked out (Dad drove the car into a tree) when Flame told them about her power. They were going to take Flame to the doctor, but she said she made it all up and her parents were relieved and it was never mentioned again. The sisters wanted to go to the cellar and show Sky the wind rose on the floor that only they knew about, so Sky told her parents she was too old for them to sing Happy Birthday to her so they didn’t and Sky went with her sisters as the eldest instructed. When the girls put their hands on the handprints of the rose, the elf dust fountain rose out of the floor and they discovered that their powers were now stronger. Pink-haired Aunt Glenda sensed the opening of the pixie dust fountain from her hotel, and she ordered her driver Oswald to make the Cantrip family an offer for their house that they couldn’t refuse in order for Glenda to get a hold of the fountain. The Cantrips did refuse and said they wouldn’t sell unless the roof caved in. Later at school, the girls performed as Sista Magic in the school singing competition and the judges decided that they would represent their school at the semifinals. A strange woman named Mrs. Duggery and her sidekick feather duster named Baxter barged into the house, and Mom believed that Miss Duggery was the help her husband hired so she let the woman in. Mrs. Duggery went into the cellar and collected pixie dust, and she used Baxter to put a protective shield over the house which deterred Glenda and prevented her from getting inside when she tried to. Glenda decided to make the roof cave-in a reality and turned a bird into an elephant that dropped onto the roof. Glenda instructed Oswald to call the Cantrips and offer them twice what the house was worth and it turned out that offer was more than anyone else’s. After Mom and Dad saw the roof (and Flame spotted Miss Duggery outside), they explained to the girls that their great-grandfather Sidney put it in his will that if four sisters were born into the family, Cantrip Towers would belong to them after the youngest sister’s ninth birthday. The young girls were told that it was their choice if they wanted to sell, and there would be an anonymous vote where a sister that wanted to sell would put a marble in the bowl and the house would be sold once three marbles were in the bowl. Flora put a marble in the bowl so Mom and Dad wouldn’t have to worry about money, and Flame was the only one who argued it was a special house and they couldn’t leave. Miss Duggery booked all the hotel rooms in the area so Glenda and Oswald were forced to stay at Miss Duggery’s zero-star bed and breakfast (hunting lodge) in the forest so she could find out what Glenda was up to. Glenda was skeptical until she discovered that she could use a telescope to spy on Cantrip Towers that was nearby. The sisters discovered metal leaves in the fountain, and they put them together to spell out how the four elements together ruled the world and they needed to be aware of the responsibility. They decided that the following day they would repair the roof and go to the city archives for Cantrip Towers accounting records since their parents (Mom the cellist and Dad the conductor) would be away at rehearsal all day. It was decided that Sky would explain the repaired roof by talking nonsense to her parents to exhaust them so they wouldn’t ask any questions. Glenda spied on the girls repairing the roof and discovered that they mastered the four elements, so she told Oswald to shadow the sisters by following them around and find out everything he could about them. The sisters wanted to know why Flame got to boss them around, and she replied it was because she was the eldest but she ended up going to the archive herself since Sky went to karate practice and Marina and Flora went shopping. Oswald overheard about the Sista Magic performance, and Glenda plotted to poison the mood in the band. Glenda confronted Marina in the store and introduced herself as Gloria, a talent scout who was starting a girl band and wanted the talented Marina to be in it. Glenda told Marina to meet her at the Grand Hotel on the same day as the semifinals, and then Glenda tried to convince young Sky to get in her Jaguar to go for a ride. Sky said she wouldn’t get in a car with total strangers, so Glenda got out and told Sky that she wanted her to be a member of the kids’ karate show that Glenda was producing and to come discuss it with Glenda on competition day…unless Sky’s sisters didn’t think her opinion about what they should do that day counted. Sky argued that of course her opinion mattered because they had a democracy and voted for everything, like with their house. That led Sky to put a marble in the bowl, and Flame discovered in the archives that the woman she saw outside the house was Mrs. Duggery, who used to be the Cantrip housekeeper and Sidney left the hunting lodge to her in his will. Flame ventured out to the hunting lodge where she listened in at the window to Glenda (who Flame believed was Mrs. Duggery) telling Oswald her evil plans of controlling the four elements and forcing people to come to her and pay for the rain, wind and sunlight so no country in the world would be able to stand against Glenda. Oswald then spotted Flame, and Glenda threw a glass vase at Flame but it just broke the glass window.Oswald chased Flame through the woods, but he tripped over a log and landed face-first in the mud while Flame got away. Flame later told her sisters that they needed to skip their performance to stay at the house and protect the fountain. Marina argued that they should sell and put a marble in the bowl that night. The next day after everyone else was gone to the competition, Flame opened the door and Mrs. Duggery tried to force her way in but Flame kicked her out. Marina decided that she would ask her friend Verena to take Flame’s “sista” place in singing, and Verena had a few mess-ups during the performance that got Sista Magic marks by the judges. The three sisters and the friend just made it into the finals. Glenda stood outside the window and tossed another marble into the bowl so there were three. Quinn heard that Flame was sick, so he brought her some fruit for extra vitamins and he stayed over to listen to music with Flame and hang out. She ushered him out of the house when the others arrived, and then she and her sisters discovered that their powers were gone. Mom and Dad opened a letter from Oswald saying they would offer even more money for the house if they made their decision that day, and the parents were disappointed when they discovered there were three marbles in the bowl but convinced themselves that the girls made the wise decision. They called Oswald to tell him, and Glenda turned all the toads that she recently threw up into a suitcase of money, which Oswald silently gave to Dad in exchange for him signing a contract. The girls went to the cellar, where they discovered that the rose disappeared back into the floor and wouldn’t reappear. Mom and Dad told the girls about the sale, and Flame was upset so Dad told her that she had to convince people and not just dictate to them, and no matter what the sisters would always have the music. The Cantrips moved out, and Glenda refused to release Oswald from his three-year contract to work for her. The shield disappeared from around the house, and Mrs. Duggery stood in Glenda’s way to keep her from getting inside. Mrs. Duggery’s beautiful white horse (like the white unicorn photo Flame had seen in the town records) came to her rescue, but Glenda turned Mrs. Duggery into a topiary statue and scared the horse away. Glenda entered the house and turned all the pictures of Cantrip ancestors into portraits of her image. However, she then discovered that the fountain was gone and she threw a hissy fit on the floor. As the four sisters sang at the competition, they realized that their powers were back and they were united, which caused the fountain to appear next to Glenda. It was decided that Sista magic and another competitor would sing again in order to decide the winner, and backstage Oswald told the sisters that Glenda was evil and he needed their help to stop her from conquering the world. He added that Glenda put the third marble in the bowl, so the sisters did a huddle and decided that they would try the competition again next year and go to save their house. Oswald sped through town going almost 100 miles an hour, and the sisters rushed to the cellar where they used their powers on Glenda. Glenda was strengthened by the pixie dust and used the girls’ own elements against them, but Glenda’s flow of evil magic was stopped altogether when the sisters touched the handprints of the rose and united their powers. They kicked powerless Glenda out of the house and Oswald left her taking the Jagaur. The portraits in the house returned to their original images, and Mrs. Duggery was no longer a topiary statue. The sisters later told their parents that they all agreed they didn’t want to sell the house, and when Flame sent the contract up in flames Sky passed it off as spontaneous combustion. They opened the suitcase of money and discovered that it was now filled with toads, so the sale of the house was null and void. The movie ended with the sisters singing a song for the town. 


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