DATE REVIEWED: 3/20/24
TITLE: Robin-B-Hood
BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)
PRODUCTION YEAR: 2006 JCE Movies / Genius Products / The Weinstein Company / Huayi Brothers Film Investment Co. / China Film Co-Production Corp / Emperor Motion Pictures / Venezia 63 – Out Of Competition
RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1
REASON: This movie takes place in Hong Kong and began with Thongs and Octopus, two burglars, breaking into a safe in the hospital and stealing expensive prescription medicine and other valuables.At the same time, a young girl (looked teen age) named Mani Lee gave birth to a baby boy at the same hospital. Thongs and Octopus wore doctors’ coats to escape the building, and Octopus pretended to be a pregnant man to get out of the hospital but security busted them and they ran. Mani’s ex-boyfriend (Max) then showed up and Max grabbed baby Lee out of Mrs. Lee’s hands and ran to get Mani Lee in her hospital bed. Mani told Max that she was married to Calvin and the baby was his and not Max’s like he thought and they couldn’t get married and be in Alaska like he wanted. Max decided that baby Lee was his and he tried to drag Mani’s stretcher down the stairs so she could go too, but Max left it when a tug of war happened with him and the authorities and then Max ran with baby Lee and screamed at the newborn to shut up. Max was tackled by security on the escalator and ended up falling over the railing, and the baby Lee was also thrown over to fall many feet below. That diverted security’s attention from Thongs and Octopus so they could escape, but Thongs used his martial arts moves to catch the wrapped child of God, who then slipped out of the hands of Thong but was miraculously caught by doctors before the naked baby Lee fell to his death. Everyone congratulated Thongs and Octopus (not knowing they were criminals in disguise), and as they ran away the heroes of the Lee family dropped the stolen drugs and Viagra out of their makeshift bags and criminals left in their partner’s (The Landlord) getaway van. The trio spent the stolen money on horse races, Ferraris and expensive jewelry, and then they continued their crime spree and stole more money, shark fins and Japanese shells from other safes. Thongs borrowed $100,000 from McDaddy, who was tired of waiting to be paid back and sent his thugs after Thongs. Thongs escaped by jumping down off the roof, and then Thongs’ friend, police inspector Steve Mok, put a black mask over Thongs’ head and handcuffed him to pretend that he was apprehending Thongs as Steve thought his chum’s life of crime was over. The wife of Octopus, Yan, spied on Octopus with a female client, and he spotted Yan (in her chicken outfit that was the only job she could get) and screamed hate words at her that he wanted a divorce because they got married too young and she was suffocating him. Yan announced that she was pregnant and Octopus was the baby’s sire and it happened after he came home drunk three months ago and had sex with Yan (PY) without protection. Octopus blamed Yan for not stopping him and told her to go to Shenzhen and get an abortion so their lives wouldn’t be ruined and Octopus hated kids anyway. He told Yan that he loved her but then dismissed her to take a bus to Shenzhen by herself since he didn’t want to drive her. McDaddy and Hairy came by Thongs’ family’s house to ask for Thongs’ whereabouts, and Thong attacked the thugs and threatened to kill them if they messed with his family. Thongs gave his family expensive gifts, and his dad rejected them and was upset that Thongs became a whoring, gambling and dishonest criminal after his parents put him through school to be a doctor or lawyer. He threw Thongs out and told him to never come back because he was an unworthy son. The Landlord and his wife The Landlady came home to find that their house was robbed, and she was unconcerned because they still had their baby, in the form of a baby doll that she carried with her after her son died years ago. Landlord agreed to take a big job so he could replenish his stash of stolen $3 million in the safe. Octopus’s Ferrari got towed, and the Landlord told his partners in crime that there was a job they could do for $7 million. The trio broke into the Lee mansion, and Thongs was upset when he learned that the job was to kidnap the baby Lee from the hospital and take him to a gang leader called Triad Boss, who wanted to do a blood test on baby Lee to prove that he was the baby’s grandfather. Landlord and Octopus gave the baby Lee a drug sedative to make him sleep, and Thongs didn’t want to go through with the hired kidnapping job but Landlord broke down and begged them to help because he was broke and in desperate need. Thongs and Octopus agreed and took off with the baby, and were followed by Baldy and Tokyo Joe, two Triad gangsters who were instructed by their boss to capture baby Lee and kill the three burglars if they stood in the way. A spy alongside the road photographed the criminals, and then Landlord and his partners encountered a police roadblock. The Landlord drove through when the gangsters appeared and the police chased after them. Landlord swerved off the road and landed in a ditch, and he was injured and told Thongs and Octopus to take baby Lee away from the crash scene and leave. Baldy and Tokyo Joe told the Boss that they failed, and he threatened to kill them if they didn’t succeed. Thongs and Octopus went to Landlord’s house, where baby Lee woke up and started bawling. Thongs stopped Octopus from giving baby Lee one of the narcotics they stole that would kill baby Lee because they did not want to hear the baby’s screams or deal with the infant’s fussy behavior. They calmed baby Lee with peekaboo, and Landlady heard the baby’s cries. They tried to hide baby Lee in Thong’s shirt but baby Lee started sucking on Thongs’ nipple. Landlady thought the baby was hers but Thongs and Octopus convinced her it wasn’t and gave her back her fake dolly baby. One man put the baby in the washer and the other man accidentally turned it on, and after they got baby Lee out of the machine they considered bashing him on the head to make him sleep or getting him drunk on beer. They sang some songs and it worked. Landlord called Thongs and Octopus to tell them that he was in jail for dangerous driving and would be out in a week. The duo went to the baby store and swore at each other outside as they tried to clean baby Lee’s private parts (showed on screen) because he pooped all over himself. The store cashier thought Thongs and Octopus were a gay couple and they acted homosexual to make it believable. She scolded them for buying women’s pads and the wrong baby items and she corrected them. Thongs and Octopus then took a baby care class led by Melody, a student nurse from Shaanxi, and for the next few days she (nurse in training) helped them take care of the baby. However, the men still put baby Lee in the fridge and picked him up with a vacuum, and they themselves dumped baby formula on each other and drank from baby bottles. Melody (liked Thongs) offered to watch the baby on her day off. Octopus tried to call Yan and tell her not to get an abortion because he didn’t hate kids so much anymore, but it went to voicemail. Thongs got kicked out of his secret gambling facility inside a building when he tried to go there with baby Lee. The Boss put a man in the freezer room at his amusement park lair, so the man revealed the names of Landlord’s partners. Baldy and Tokyo Joe, Triad gangsters, appeared at the childcare class, so Thongs and Octopus gave baby Lee to nurse in training Melody and fought off the minions. Melody brought baby Lee to Octopus’s apartment, and McDaddy and Hairy came to harass Thongs and ended up dumping on themselves they paint they meant to throw on Thongs. The two scary men barged into the apartment, and then Yan came to the door hoping Octopus was there so she could confront him with the ultrasound as her friend advised her to do. Octopus returned to the apartment and didn’t want to deal with the thugs, and he hurt his wife’s feelings when he told Melody that Yan and the thugs were nobodies. Octopus refused to even look at the ultrasound, and instead he and Melody hurried to hide baby Lee from officer Steve, who was on his way up with Thongs. Thongs made up a bunch of lies to Steve and introduced McDaddy and Hairy as his cousins. Baldy snuck in through the window, and Thongs introduced him as another cousin while Tokyo Joe tried to haul baby Lee up to the roof in a basket to steal him. Thongs claimed that he had a mixed-race family with one cousin from Africa (Wyoming plaque in apartment), and inspector Mok knew something was not right. Officer Steve spotted Octopus outside the window doing basket tug-of-war with the criminal on the roof so officer Steve tried to help and then saw the baby in the basket. The rope on the basket snapped and officer Steve almost fell out of the window, but Thongs pulled him up while Octopus ran off with baby Lee. The rest of the gang appeared, and officer Steve fought them off and then tried to arrest Thongs but he escaped out the window and shut the glass in officer Steve’s face. Octopus ran with baby Lee and Thongs went after him. Octopus put baby Lee in a stroller, but then the stroller got stuck on the back of an armored car after another car pushed the stroller into the bigger vehicle and it rolled down the road with the big truck with baby Lee inside. Thongs sped off in a car, and Octopus jumped on the back of a young girl with a rainbow shirt on a motorcycle and claimed to be a police officer. He convinced the girl to follow the armored car even though she only had her learner’s permit. The security drivers, Nicholas and Daniel, were worried they were getting robbed and they rear-ended Thongs when he got in front of them. Daniel spotted Octopus and thought the other man was cute in a romantic way. Octopus jumped onto the front of Thongs’ car and tried to reach the stroller. Baldy and Tokyo Joe sideswiped the car and Octopus flew off onto the road. The stroller got unhooked from the van and went careening into traffic. Thongs got baby Lee out of the stroller just as the cars smashed into it and each other. Daniel put his hand on Nicholas’s arm, looked at him romantically and said he was from Brokeback Mountain. Octopus tried to tell a young boy that he was a police officer and needed to commandeer his bicycle, but the kid knew better. The thugs picked Landlord up from court in their van and took him to the Boss, who upped the offer to $30 million for baby Lee. Thongs had a flashback of when his family pitched in to pay off his debts when he was in trouble and then he went back to stealing and gambling. Melody told Thongs that baby Lee was sick with a high fever and needed to be taken to the hospital, and on his way out he encountered his dad who was hardly able to make it up the stairs. Thongs’ younger sister reminded him that she called him and told him about their dad’s stroke but he didn’t care. Baby Lee received medicine at the hospital, and Landlord announced that they would get $10 million each, with a $5 million deposit, for turning the baby in to the Triad Boss. Thongs and Octopus weren’t very enthusiastic about it because they were attached to baby Lee, and they watched Mani and Calvin on TV news asking for baby Lee back. Octopus spotted Yan dressed up again trying to sell food, and he called her to apologize and tell her that she didn’t deserve him as her husband. Landlord showed baby Lee to his wife as a surprise and she was happy the baby wasn’t a fake dolly. Thongs told Melody that he was taking baby Lee back to the Lees, and she was convinced that Thongs could start over and be a better person and not a burglar, as the female had romantic feelings for Thongs. Thongs and Octopus brought baby Lee to an amusement park in a country area at night where Landlord was waiting with the money. They handed baby Lee over to the medical people (doctors or nurses) inside the fun park, who then drew a blood sample from the baby. Baby Lee cried hysterically as he was taken away and called for his two male parents, Mommy (Octopus) and Daddy (Thongs).The two decided to fight off the thugs and get baby Lee back while Landlord took off with the money. Octopus put baby Lee on the Ferris wheel, and the Boss turned on the machine and then shut it off. Baby Lee fell off the Ferris wheel from high up and Thongs caught him before the baby hit the ground. Thongs ran with baby Lee up a moving rollercoaster track and the goons followed, and then Thongs got off it and was going to escape. However, he turned baby Lee over to the Boss when Boss threatened to drop Octopus from the top of the rollercoaster upside-down. The Boss announced that after the test results came back proving the baby was his grandson, the three of them would go to Brazil. The Triad Boss explained that he built that amusement park for his son Max, but Max died (fell off the escalator) before it was finished because of the whore Mani. The test results came back, and the Boss took baby Lee to the freezer room to visit Max’s dead body that was being preserved. The Triad Boss told Max that baby Lee wasn’t his, so the Boss left baby Lee in the freezer with his dead son. He then went mad and ranted about building a giant ice palace, and the goons told Thongs and Octopus to take the money and get out. They fought the bad guys, and two almost-indestructible men in white suits went after Thongs and Octopus. Thongs threw baby crap into the mouth of one of them, and then Thongs, Octopus and the white-suited guys got locked inside the freezer and fought each other and by then baby Lee was almost dead. Baby Lee was almost frozen and so were Thongs and Octopus, and eventually Landlord and officer Steve found them. Landlord said he couldn’t open the Swiss combination lock on the door (the kind the CIA used), but then he easily opened it and Thongs, Octopus and baby Lee got out. Octopus was unable to hotwire one of the cars so they could escape, so he and Thongs realized they could use the jumper cables connected to the car battery as a defibrillator. Thongs took the brunt of the electric shock by holding the cables and touching baby Lee with his fingers, but it didn’t work. Inspector Steve had called the police and ambulance and arrived, and they arrested the Triad Boss and took baby Lee away in an ambulance. Thongs and Octopus chased after emergency vehicle until Thongs collapsed in the middle of the street and so did Octopus too. The trio later did a prison play for a crowd said they were sorry for hurting their family, and a priest told them may God forgive them in the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. All three were blindfolded and shot dead, but then it turned out to be a demonstration to shown an audience that the government no longer executed prisoners. The inmates were congratulated for their great performances. Landlady told her husband that she already adopted 10 kids from South Africa, the Middle East and Germany. Yan, very pregnant, was there for Octopus but she had to leave for her doctor appointment. Thongs thanked Melody for taking care of his stroke handicapped dad. Inspector Steve showed up and informed the trio of male prisoners that they would get reduced sentences. The Lee family appeared with baby Lee who was alive, and they asked the trio partners in crime to work for them, with Landlord as head of security, Thongs as the baby’s bodyguard and Octopus as the chauffeur of the sports car. They accepted and then found out that the brown (sometimes blue-eyed in lighting) baby Lee’s name was Matthew and baby Lee was from a billionaire family. The movie cover art listed, Variety, “Thrillingly choreographed.” MovieXclusive, “Genuinely funny!” Beyond Hollywood, “The thrills come thick and fast.” Todd Brown, Twitch, “Some of the very best stunt work Chan has done in years.”