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MAKAYLA JANE:
GOD'S Spirit Reborn With
HIS Loving
JESUS HEart.

MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart. MAKAYLA JANE: GOD'S Spirit Reborn With HIS Loving JESUS HEart.


DATE REVIEWED:  8/27/23

TITLE: Seabiscuit 

BOX OFFICE RATED:  PG-13

PRODUCTION YEAR:  2003 Universal Pictures / Dreamworks Pictures / Spyglass Entertainment/ Larger Than Life Productions / Kennedy-Marshall Company

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]:  2

REASON: This movie is based on a true story and begins in San Francisco in 1910, where Charles Howard had no luck selling bicycles because everyone had cars and horse-drawn carriages. Charles agreed to fix the Stanley Steamer that was brought to him even though he had no clue how. Charles took the entire car apart and put it back together and it worked better and had some improvements to boot. Years later, Charles opened a Buick car dealership and purchased the Ridgewood Ranch in Willits, California, which had a house, caretakers facilities and horse barn on thousands of acres. The stock market crashed, and the Pollards in Alberta, Canada, sent their sixteen-year-old son, John “Red” Pollard, away to live with the Blodgets while they figured everything out. Six years later, Red was taking jobs as a jockey (for the sport of horseracing where the jockeys hit and slapped other jockeys with their whips during the races and pushed each other off their horses) and groom wherever he could, and he was obsessed over his weight and ate very little. Charles went away on a business trip to the city and later received the call that his son Frank (under ten years old) was killed in an motor vehicle accident when young Frank flipped over the truck he took out on the country road that his dad taught him how to drive. (Oddly, the movie showed a very young boy under 10 that drove the vehicle but the Internet has the boy at 15 years old). Since liquor and gambling were outlawed in America, everyone went to Tijuana, Mexico, to drink and bet in horse races. Red was there racing with fellow jockey George Woolf, getting beat up boxing and going blind in one eye, and paying for prostitutes. After Charles got divorced, he went to Mexico and met Marcela Zabala, who reintroduced him to riding. They soon got married, and Charles wanted to become a racehorse owner and started looking for a trainer. He singled out Tom Smith, who others called a crackpot living in the bushes because he kept to himself and chose to save horses (such as a white horse who was going to be shot because his foot was fractured) from death because every horse was good for something and you couldn’t throw away their life because they got a little banged up. Charles hired Tom, and three months later in Saratoga, New York, Tom caught sight of a battered and abused horse named Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit (sired by Hard Tack) was born at Claiborne Farms, and they decided that Seabiscuit was too small (standing less than fifteen hands tall) and gentle compared to his grandsire, the famous racehorse Man O’ War, so he was written off to trainer Sunny Fitzsimmons at six months old. Fitzsimmons thought Seabiscuit was lazy and ordered his jockey to beat the horse to make him run better. When that didn’t work, they used Seabiscuit as a training partner and forced him to constantly lose races to bigger, better horses to boost their confidence. By three or four years old, Seabiscuit was violent and uncontrollable as a result of his abuse, and he was sold for $2,000 but lost all his races and no one wanted to ride him. Charles purchased Seabiscuit and Tom chose Red to ride him, and Tom was convinced that Seabiscuit had potential for incredible speed and he just needed to be taught how to be a horse again since he was so screwed up from running in a circle all the time (Not to mention the first few years of the young one’s precious life and the horrible people in it that caused the poor horse’s out of control behavior). Seabiscuit threw a horsey fit on the track and swerved as he ran, but Tom learned that Seabiscuit liked a little competition because he sped up when he saw another horse in front of him. He was taken to the track at Santa Anita, where the announcer, Tick-Tock McGlaughlin, bashed Seabiscuit calling him a nag who couldn’t finish the race because his odds were 70-1. Red didn’t follow the plan and lost his temper, pushing another jockey into the rail and calling him a SOB because he fouled Red by cutting him off. Red and Seabiscuit came almost in last, but that night Red considered jumping off a bridge but decided against it. He and Seabiscuit won their next race, and they went on to win six consecutive stakes, including the San Onofre Handicap, the San Miguel Handicap, and the San Rafael Handicap. Instead of giving Tom the time to train Seabiscuit, Charles bragged about the victories and had many public relation events. Tom told Charles that the horses Seabiscuit was racing against were nobody horses, and if he wanted to get into the big time then he needed to focus on champion horses like War Admiral, who won the Triple Crown and was 18 hands tall (according to other sources War Admiral was not 18 hands tall). Charles used his car salesman-tactics to convince a racetrack steward to hold a race with a $100,000 cash purse for the top horses across the country. Two weeks later at Santa Anita, Seabiscuit came in second place since Rosemont beat him by a head. Red screamed at Tom afterwards that he didn’t see Rosemont coming up behind him as they neared the finish line because of Red being blind in one eye. Tom told Charles that they had a liar for a jockey, but Charles told him it was fine and they needed to give Red a second chance like they gave Seabiscuit another chance. Charles announced that Red would remain Seabiscuit’s permanent jockey and they would enter all races War Admiral was competing in and not quit until they won, lost or drew. The crowd loved Charles’s energy when he told everyone that the horse was too small to race, the jockey was too big to ride, the trainer was too old to train, and the owner was too dumb to know the difference so why wouldn’t their competitor want to race them. The newspapers served the story for morning breakfast, and the people wanted a match race and eventually Samuel Riddle agreed to have the match between his horse War Admiral and Seabiscuit at his home track Pimlico. Seabiscuit’s team watched War Admiral race and were impressed, and Tom called for the next two weeks to be spent retraining Seabiscuit to break from the starting line whenever he heard the bell, not just because the gate opened but because there would be no starting gate for the match race. A man who once employed Red as a groom employer asked Red to breeze one of his horses so he could sell him. A tractor was started up just as Red was galloping the horse past it (not certain if that was planned to take Red out of the picture), and the tractor backfired. The horse spooked and toppled over backwards, and Red’s foot was caught in the stirrup so he was dragged as the frightened horse galloped away from the track. Red came to a stop by slamming into the barn wall, and his leg was shattered with eleven to twelve breaks. The doctor operated and told Charles that Red would always walk with a limp, but no more riding. Charles told Red they were going to scratch from the match race, but Red told him to call his friend George Woolf. Red gave George all the instructions how to smoothly make the transition between jockeys, and then Red told George to close the door so he could tell George the tactic he used to win that trainer Tom didn’t know about. Red explained that in the backstretch, George needed to give Seabiscuit the lead so he could win, and once he was side-by-side with his competitor and looked the other horse in the eye, Seabiscuit was going to win because it was all in his heart, not his feet. The match race took place on November 1, 1938, and George followed Red’s instructions. Seabiscuit was neck and neck with War Admiral until he looked him in the eye, and then he shot way ahead of War Admiral and was victorious in the race of the century. Tick-Tock now pitied Seabiscuit’s competitors and said there were no more matches races for him because he had no match. However, during the next race George had to stop Seabiscuit in the middle of the track because he ruptured an entire ligament. The vet announced that Seabiscuit was totally lame and wouldn’t race again and offered to put Seabiscuit down, but Charles refused. Seabiscuit was taken back to the home stable where Red went after getting out of the hospital. Red and Seabiscuit recuperated together for the next few months, and Red told his horse that desert Arabian horses could go five or six days without water because they were like camels. Red then started riding Seabiscuit around a small track to get him back into the racing since his leg healed perfectly. George was going to ride Seabiscuit in the 1940 Santa Anita Handicap, but Red told Charles that he wanted to be the jockey.The doctor said that Red’s leg wasn’t completely healed and it was possible he might be permanently crippled and his leg was reinjured. Charles was skeptical about letting Red ride, but Marcela told him to just do it and George (who would also be in the race) agreed. At the beginning of the race, Red’s leg was hurting him and Seabiscuit fell back, but he made a remarkable comeback and won the Santa Anita. During his career, it showed that Seabiscuit won several awards and earned over $400,000 in prize money, and he died at the age of 13 from a heart attack. War Admiral won many races, including the American Triple Crown and earned for his humans an estimated $270,000and he lived to the age of 25. This movie had a budget of $87 million and grossed over $148 million at the box office. The movie cover art listed the Chicago Tribune, “Four stars! Sleek, beautiful and packed with emotion!” Also included was Larry King Live, CNN, “…a flat-out great movie!” The Chicago Sun-Times, “…a must-see moviegoing experience.” Today, Ridgemont Ranch is owned by the Golden Rule Church Association.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/26/23

TITLE: Son of Rambow 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 Paramount Vantage / Celluloid Dreams Productions / Optimum Releasing / Senator Films / Good-Arte France Cinema / Network Movie / Soficinema 2 % 3 / Hammer & Tongs / Sweites Deutsches Fernsehen

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in England and began with the Rambo: First Blood being shown in the theater. The real Rambo held a knife to the sheriff’s neck and told him that he was the law in town, but out there in the woods Rambo was the law. He warned the sheriff not to push it or he would get a war he had never seen and to let it go, and Rambo said that he swore to God he would kill the sheriff if he didn’t fly the plane. Everyone seemed to be smoking cigarettes while watching Rambo, even in the non-smoking section, and young Lee Carter, the elementary school bully, was also smoking while recording the movie to make pirate copies for his older brother, Lawrence. Lee later caused an accident in the school hallway, where the goldfish bowl fell and broke because he was trying to look at the drawing book of Will Proudfoot, a young member of the Plymouth Brethren. Lee told Will that he would take the blame for the incident and be tortured brutally by the school principal if Will gave him his watch, and Will agreed and made a run for it. Lee then limped around faking serious injury so Will would bicycle him to Lee’s house, which was attached to a nursing home owned by the Carter family. Lee said the watch wasn’t enough payment for him covering for Will, so Lee swore to God that he would smash Will’s face in if he told anyone that Lee (who considered Will to be a Bible-basher) was using Will as the stuntman in the action movie he was making for a youth Screen Test film competition using Lawrence’s camera. Lee gave Lawrence the watch as a birthday present, and Lawrence took the watch and put it on without saying a word of thanks. It was after Will watched a clip from the pirate copy that he decided Rambo (R-rated film character) was super cool), so Will came up with a bunch of ideas for the film. Will’s role would be the son of Rambo (spelled Rambow), and Lee’s role would be Colonel Trautman. Some of the stunts involved Will falling into the lake and nearly drowning because he couldn’t swim, and falling out of a high tree. Will was able to convince his mom, Mary, to let him skip out on prayer meeting with Brother Joshua by saying he was helping a friend from school who had a terrible accident (being tortured by the principal which was a lie). Will was a witness to Lee in the store stealing supplies, so Will followed his bad example and stole some food. They then filmed a scene at the nursing home where Rambo’s son (Will) rescued him (Frank the elderly man) from an evil scarecrow. The nurse ushered the boys out of the room screaming that she was going to kill them because they took her wig and put it on Frank. In the woods, Lee decided that he and Will needed to be blood brothers so he cut his hand and Will’s. They held hands as Will said his dad (who the watch belonged to) died of a head aneurysm while he was mowing the lawn. Bully Lee said kids were better off without parents in his opinion because he and Lawrence lived by themselves since their mom was in Spain with her boyfriend Colin. Brother Joshua told Mary that Will had been lying lately and was on the brink of being lost to the outsiders, so Brother Joshua wanted to take Will to a group meeting to act as a father figure and get Will back on track since he was disgracing the Brethren by not being raised properly. Lee stole a guide dog statue from outside a store and tied it to a kite to use for a flying dog in the film. The kite started drifting towards the school building, and Will and Lee tried to stop it but the dog kite crashed through the science class window where a teacher was trimming his beard. The kite caused glass to break, the fire alarm to go off, and the sharp scissors the teacher was using to trim his facial hair to go up his nose and make him bleed. The teacher screamed at Lee Carter from the window, and then he came outside and dragged Lee to the principal’s office where he received a week’s suspension from school. A French boy named Didier Revol (who arrived at the school in England in the beginning of the movie with other French kids), started French-kissing all the girls lined up outside the school. The young girls stood in line waiting for their french kiss from the one boy. A younger boy organized the kissing fest for Didier and suggested that he organize another one at the St. Mary’s Catholic school down the road. Will went into the church, where Didier smoked a cigarette and Didier pretended to be a dramatic Patrick Swayze character. Didier walked towards Will pointing his gun at him, and he put the gun to Will’s head and pretended to shoot him and then Didier pretended to shoot himself in the head as well. Didier announced that he wanted to be the star of the film as the Wolf character, and he found out about the film because the younger kids trailing him everywhere snatched Will’s drawing book where he wrote down his ideas. Didier claimed that the gun he had just used inside the church and the one he used during the filming was fake, when in fact it was real because he had been seen using the loaded gun to shoot a bird out of the air. Didier took all the boys to a teen party, which Lee said was rubbish and left. Later that night, Mary told Will that whatever things he was up to were negative for him and to put them out of his head, and he promised he wouldn’t betray the Brethren again. Brother Joshua came to take Will away for a few days, and Will screamed at Brother Joshua that he hated him and the Brethren and ran off down the street to the meeting place where the stunts took place. Lee didn’t like the way the film was going with Didier taking charge, and Lee tried to change it back to just him and Will. Will and the other kids that helped with the stunts disagreed, and when Lee tried to start fight with Will, the kids egged them on and then started throwing rocks at Lee to chase him away. However, one of the stunts went wrong and Will ended up trapped in tar under scrap metal. Didier and the others ran, and Lee was the one who came back and rescued Will (even though he came back for his camera, not Will). Lee tearfully told Will that he was a two-faced fake like the rest of him and to never call Lawrence a scab again because Lee said that was all he had and Lawrence was better than all of them put together and was at least there for his little brother. Part of the old abandoned building then collapsed on top of Lee, and both he and Will were rushed to the hospital where their bloody injuries (Will’s from the stunt mishap) were taken care of. Brother Joshua and the Brethren had a group meeting and gave Mary her last warning that if Will didn’t shape up, the Proudfoot family would be expelled from the Brethren. Mary wasn’t bothered by that and even kicked Brother Joshua out of her house. Didier and all the French kids returned to France, and the students bid Didier farewell and gave him gifts. Will visited Lee in the hospital and tried to give him a gift, but Lee threw the box in the trash. Someone else won the film contest, and Lawrence watched the video footage from his broken camera. Lee later told Will that Lawrence felt the same way about his little brother as Lee felt about him. When Lee was well enough to leave the hospital, he was taken in the back of the ambulance to the movie theater, where the Son of Rambow short film was presented before the main movie played. Everyone thought the short film was funny and liked it, and when Will came to take Lee home, Lee said that was his best day of all time and he and Will made amends. The movie cover art had Ethan Alter, Film Journal International, “Wildly funny.” It also listed Eric Vespe, Ain’t-It-Cool-News.com “One of the most enjoyable movies of the year.” As well as Joe Neumaler, NY Daily News ,“…comedy that’s full of heart.” In addition the cover art included Ethan Alter, Giant Magazine, “…makes you feel like a kid again.”

  ONE OF TWO

DATE REVIEWED: 8/25/23

TITLE: White Oleander (based Janet Fitch’s novel which was selected for Oprah’s Book Club in May 1999)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR:  2002 Warner Bros. Pictures / Pandora Films / Gaylord Films / Umbrella Entertainment / John Wells Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with fifteen-year-old Astrid Magnussen saying that in order to solve things she had to start from the end and work her way to the beginning. She narrated as she put together abstract pieces that included the word “Jesus,” with a small Bible in the center of a circle with a female doll wearing a small bikini and crosses all around her. The girl spoke about being with a female that was dangerous to her but she felt safe, and she went on to say that maybe the wind had something to do with what her mom (Ingrid) did but Astrid wouldn’t know because she was always in her mom’s shadow. Astrid explained that a man came into her mom’s life and was very persistent. Ingrid told Astrid to never let a man spend the night and to never apologize or explain, as that was Ingrid’s way. Astrid went up on the high rooftop, where and she and Ingrid could see the city far below them with Ingrid pulling her daughter out on the high ledge to sit next to Ingrid, so she could talk to her even though Astrid didn’t want to. Ingrid said she had been up there for hours and had an amazing idea on how to use her Polaroids and was going to skip work that day so she could finish her thoughts. Astrid asked if Ingrid was going to parents’ night, and Ingrid replied she forgot and had to go to her friend Greta’s opening. Ingrid added that the school officials couldn’t tell her anything about her daughter that she didn’t already know. At school, Astrid told her teacher that her mom wasn’t coming to parents’ nights because she was an artist and didn’t care about trivial things like that. Later that night, Ingrid showed Astrid her finished collage of photos she called mugshots and asked her daughter what she thought of them. Astrid replied that all the people in the photos looked lonely and noticed that her photo was in the center of it all, and Ingrid said it was their secret and not to tell anybody and they laughed about it. Barry Kolker, Ingrid’s love interest, kept calling for Ingrid at her workplace, and she told the receptionist to tell him she was killed in a climbing accident in the Himalayas as Astrid got something to eat out of the fridge. Ingrid came into the room and told Astrid that Barry could take them out to breakfast because Barry spent the night with Ingrid and Astrid was surprised that her mom broke her own rules. A few days later, Ingrid stormed around the house because Barry never called her back after he spent the night as Astrid painted blue flowers. Ingrid said Barry didn’t call because he was getting what he wanted from somebody else (sex). Ingrid then drove with Astrid to Barry’s house and Ingrid planned to say she was just stopping by because she was in the neighborhood. Ingrid left Astrid in the car and went inside the house with Barry for hours. Ingrid got back in the car and told Astrid tearfully that Barry made love to her but then told her to leave because he had a date with another woman. One morning, the police arrested Ingrid downstairs in her home, which awoke Astrid from her sleep and she watched her mom being taken away to the police car and arrrested for the murder of Barry Kolker. Ingrid told Astrid she would be back in an hour, but later on Miss Martinez from Children’s Services came to pick up Astrid with a police officer. She was told that her mother wouldn’t be coming home for a while and sent Astrid to her room to pack what she needed to live in foster care. At the court hearing, with young Astrid in attendance, and social worker Miss Martinez, the judge sentenced Ingrid by the laws of California to no less than 35 years to life in a maximum-security prison for the murder of Barry. After the hearing, CA state worker Miss Martinez drove Astrid to a foster home where she met Starr Thomas. Starr showed Astrid around the house and said that Astrid would be sharing a room with Starr’s daughter Carolee. Since there weren’t enough bedrooms the boys, Davey and Owen, slept in the living room and Starr introduced the kids. Carolee was in her room reading a teen magazine in her half shirt and shorty-shorts on her bed blasting her headphones with Astrid’s new bed covered with pillows and clothes (not sure if they’re clean or dirty). Starr said Carolee was hormonal and the problem was she hadn’t been saved, and then Starr asked Astrid is she had accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Astrid said she didn’t know Jesus and Starr showed Astrid where she and Ray slept and said that Ray was going to be home late that night because it was poker night. Starr told Astrid not to talk to him about Jesus because Ray acted like a repo man instead of a carpenter like Jesus. As Astrid sat on the front porch that night, Ray (late twenties or early thirities) arrived and introduced himself and told Astrid that things happened like people killing each other in relationships and advised her to come into the house when she was ready as though committing murder was no big deal. When Astrid did come into the bedroom, teen Carolee was out of her mind getting herself ready to sneak out of the house calling her mom a hypocrite because Starr could be heard having sex with Ray through the paper thin walls as Carolee was making her escape. Carolee said her mom grounded her and she wasn’t going to stay home and her mom was supposedly a follower of Jesus and having sex with Ray who wasn’t even her husband. Carolee said that Reverend Daniels always came around talking about Jesus, but all he really wanted to do was look at Starr’s a**. Carolee told Astrid to leave the window open for her so she could sneak back in later on and that Astrid was no different than Carolee, she just didn’t know it yet. As Astrid tried to sleep, she had a flashback of Barry banging on the door telling Ingrid he was going to strangle and kill her. Young and frightened Astrid watched from the doorway as Barry smashed the window with his fist and then Ingrid took out a pocketknife and stabbed Barry with it through the hole in the window. The next day, Starr drove Astrid to the clothing store and told her that Reverend Thomas said sin was a virus and was infecting the whole country like the clap. Starr went on to say putting coke up your nose and being high all the time hurt the person doing it and it hurt Jesus and was wrong. Carolee smoked a cigarette in the backseat and chimed in and told Starr that she was full of crap (knowing Starr’s past). In the store, Starr told the girls it was a miracle she wasn’t dead because she was an alcoholic and cokehead and danced topless and they took her kids away. Carolee told her mom to be quiet because people were staring because of how loud Starr was talking. In the dressing room, the three females tried on outfits in a shared fitting room and Starr told Astrid and Carolee nobody ought to care if Starr wanted to hang her boobs in a stranger’s face and it was nobody’s business but her own. Starr then undressed to her thong underwear, and bra and revealed her lower back tattoo and told Astrid the dress Starr was wearing would look better on Astrid. Astrid was also in her tank and underwear and Carolee was in her bra and underwear, and Astrid said in reply to the comment that her boots were ugly that she wore her boots because snakes didn’t bite above the ankle. Starr replied that she was better off being bit by a snake than dressing for one, and then she told Carolee they needed to get Astrid some bras because she didn’t want Astrid’s boobs to be hanging to her knees when she was 30. Starr kept prancing around in her bra and undies around the girls. As the school bus picked up the kids, Starr was at the mailbox and gave a letter to Astrid (Astird in her half-shirt with hearts, influenced by questionable Carolee and Starr) that was from Ingrid. In an eerie voice, Ingrid narrated the letter asking Astrid why she wasn’t writing and it had been six months since she heard from Astrid. Ingrid told the young child that she could hear the women screaming in their cells, and Ingrid went on to say crazily that both she and her daughter were in prison and being punished for their strength and independence. Ingrid told Astrid to hide herself and not to forget who she was and to remember every insult and every tear. Later on, Astrid drew a picture of shirtless Ray, and he asked her what she was doing because she kept staring at him. She lied that she was writing a letter to her mom, and Ray wanted to know if she ever wrote her dad. Astrid replied she didn’t know where her dad was and she never knew him because he left when she was 2. Ray said that her dad probably thought she was still 2 because that was what Ray remembered of his son Seth. Astrid asked Ray if he was going to Bible Study, and he said no and in his opinion, if there was a God, He sure as hell wasn’t worth praying to. Astrid said that sounded like something her mom would say and laughed about it and added that her mom wouldn’t take her to the Christmas pageant at school, so Astrid had to beg a ride off another kid. The Reverend arrived and hugged Starr by her hips as she hugged his shoulders and wore to church a form-fitting, shorty-short dress with large slits in the back that barely covered her behind. Astrid asked Ray why he and Starr didn’t get married, and he replied that he was already married and hadn’t seen his wife or his son in over five years and had no idea where they were. The Reverend baptized Astrid in the pool, and she and Davey later discussed believing in something such as God to help them through their situations. Astrid said that her mom didn’t kill Barry alone and it was both of them because Astrid said she knew about their troubled relationship and could have possibly prevented the murder. Astrid had another flashback where she and Ingrid broke into Barry’s house after they saw him leave. Ingrid logged onto Barry’s computer and erased all the files on his hard drive, and that was what started Barry’s rage of coming to their house and wanting to kill Ingrid because she deleted all of his files. While Barry was outside, Ingrid taunted him asking him if there was something valuable on his computer, such as a collection of essays due at the publisher’s this fall. After Ingrid stabbed Barry, he said she couldn’t do that to him and she replied that he had no idea what she could do to him (Ingrid was a seriously mentally disturbed female). Astrid went alone to the prison to see her mom, and Astrid broke down in hysterical tears because it was too much for the young teen to go through. Ingrid told Astrid that prison agreed with her and it was a kill or be killed environment and everybody knew it. Ingrid admitted the inmates didn’t hurt her as much as she hurt them, and she added that she wouldn’t be there forever and one day Astrid would look out her window and Ingrid would be there. Ingrid noticed the cross Astrid wore as a necklace and wanted to know if Starr forced her to go to church, and Astrid replied that they were nice people and they went to the Assembly of God church. Astrid explained to her mom that in order to join, you had to accept Christ as your savior and be baptized, and they called it being washed in the blood of the Lamb but really it was just water. When Astrid said there was nothing wrong with being a Christian, Ingrid asked Astrid if she was out of her mind for accepting Christ as her savior. Ingrid said she raised Astrid and not a pack of Bible-thumping trailer trashand didn’t understand how the sudden change in Astrid could have happened. Astrid said no, her mom didn’t raise her to think for herself and raised her to be like Ingrid and Reverend Daniels said it was evil to think for yourself. Ingrid said that thinking for yourself was calling every artist out there evil and asked Astrid if that was what she now believed since she was washed in the blood of the Lamb. Ingrid asked if she was evil or if man’s reasoning was evil and continued to confuse Astrid trying to persuade her away from Jesus rather than help her heal with God. Astrid said that Ingrid killing people who didn’t want her in a relationship was evil, and she and the church people prayed for Ingrid’s redemption. Ingrid replied to “f,” her redemption because she didn’t want it and regretted nothing. As visiting hours were over, Ingrid tried to quickly tell Astrid in a mind game that it was good she was identifying evil, but it was tricky because just when you think you know what it was, it changed its form. Ingrid said she wasn’t going to lose Astrid to the Christians and that Christians were the enemy and told Astrid to write to her at least once a week because Ingrid was the only person Astrid knew who could keep her honest (says the murderess who now wanted to murder the soul of God’s daughter). Astrid walked away from Ingrid’s hurtful words telling Astrid that she was her mom and to always remember their way of doing things. As Astrid left the prison, she took her cross necklace off and was not going to accept Jesus into her life all because of Ingrid’s continued hateful and careless words. At the Thomas trailer house, Ray and Astrid watched the wildfire a couple of miles away and discussed how Ingrid always loved the fire season and made a game out of it by telling Astrid to pick things she wanted to bring if the wild fire came to their house and how she would be a really brave girl if she didn’t take anything at all. Adult Ray said Ingrid sounded tough but told young Astrid she was not tough and was instead a sweetheart. Starr called Ingrid into her room to sit on the bed for a talk as Starr smoked a cigarette, and she told teen Astrid that Starr was catching onto her game where she was always hanging around Ray doing favors for him and was trying to steal Starr’s man. Starr told Astrid she was calling Children’s Services and it was all over for Astrid, and Starr went on to say that she had a nice thing going with Ray and she had come too far and lived too long to blow it. Astrid said she didn’t have a father and that was the way she felt about Ray, and Starr told the teen to be quiet because she had her own life and the other kids to think about and she didn’t owe the new foster child anything. Astrid said Jesus would give her a chance, and Starr said she wasn’t Jesus, not even close, and walked out of the room leaving Astrid in tears. Before she left, though, Astrid told Starr that Ray would eventually hate her if he knew the reason she sent Astrid away. Astrid said she liked Starr and the family and would never do anything to screw it up and she swore to God on it, so Starr let Astrid stay. At Christmastime with lights outside, Astrid and Davey watched a meteor shower. Ray came out and asked Astrid if her and Starr were arguing, and she said no but Ray didn’t believe her because he knew Starr and Starr said something to him that said otherwise. They were interrupted when Starr called to Ray from the doorway in her pink negligee and he put out his cigarette and went inside but had told Astrid that she was a pretty girl. That night, Astrid heard Ray and Starr arguing about money with him spending $200 gambling in one night which was sometimes a weekly thing for him when they were having challenges paying the bills. Davey came into Astrid’s room and told her not to ruin what they had because Starr was drinking heavily again. One night, Astrid didn’t go to a movie with the others because she said she had a lot of homework to do. In walked Ray who had a cancelled poker game so the two were alone. Ray then had a sexual relationship with the young underage girl but it didn’t show that part and went to the next scene which was Astrid walking to Ray’s construction site after school another day where he was building a house and Astrid asked if everyone was gone so they could then have sex again. Another day at the house, Starr and Carolee got into an argument calling each other a whore and Carolee packed her bags in her very short dress and high heels and the underage teen moved out to who knows where. Before she left, Carolee told Davey she was sorry but she couldn’t go through with that again with (Starr) her mom’s (Foster parent to the other children) out of control addiction issues again, drinking and smoking heavily. That night, Astrid waved Davey back to bed from her room as they listened to Starr yelling at Ray telling him to admit that he was having sex with her foster girl Astrid. Starr said she was going to go cash her check, and she went into the room dressed like a hussy and pointed a gun at Astrid in her bed. Ray tackled Starr and was able to get the gun while Astrid tried to get out the window. However, Starr got away from Ray for a moment and went back into Astrid’s room with the gun in her hand again. As Astrid opened the glass window to escape, Starr shot the teen Astrid in the back of her shoulder. The paramedics were able to get Astrid conscious before they took her out of the house and told her that she would be dead if young Davey hadn’t called 911 and he saved her life. As Astrid was wheeled out on a stretcher, Davey told her that both Ray and Starr took off and were gone. Astrid apologized to Davey for ruining it, and he said it didn’t matter because something would have ruined it anyway with that questionable environment. After Astrid got out of the hospital, Miss Martinez drove Astrid to her next destination and explained that they would prefer to find her a permanent home, but California had way too many kids in the system at the moment. Since Astrid now required special attention from her gunshot wound injuries, they were going to have her stay at McKinney Hall with a bunch of other kids. It wasn’t long before there was a scene showing an irate and abusive teen female causing a riot inside Mckinney Hall and trying to attack Astrid because Astrid apparently looked at the other girl’s boyfriend the wrong way so she was beaten up for it at the government facility for children. Shortly after that, Astrid went to the shared bathroom and started cutting her hair blonde short with a knife. Then, with her hair like a boy’s, Astrid went to the room of the Latina female (who attacked her) while she was sleeping and held the knife to her neck and when she awoke threatened that the next time she and her friends jumped Astrid, she would cut their throats when they were sleeping. When Astrid was drawing outside, a boy approached her and told her she was pretty and she said looks didn’t interest her. She went inside and sat behind the boy (Paul) and stared at the drawings he was doing after she was called by an ugly puta by the mean Latino girl. She told the boy he wasn’t ugly because he said he was earlier. Astrid later read a letter from Ingrid, which said that the women’s power, was their beauty and their strength and they couldn’t allow men to change or lessen them. Ingrid said she would never grant them that satisfaction and neither should Astrid. The comic that Paul drew actually was of Astrid fighting off the female attacker with the title “La Puta Del Diablo.” Paul and Astrid exchanged their parental stories, where Astrid told the boy about her parent. He said that he was born addicted to heroin (and got out of rehab when he was six months old) from a mom drug addict who finally overdosed to death when he was six and his dad disappeared a few years later.He said he liked the place he was at now better than he did a foster home, and then he asked Astrid if she was gay because he didn’t think she was interested in guys. She confirmed she wasn’t interested in guys. On a field trip after getting off the van, Paul and Astrid ran the other way to go exploring and read comic books together away from the other kids and said that the worst that could happen to them was they would be put back in McKinney Hall. Astrid told Paul he was an artist and not a cartoonist, and Paul purchased some comics from the store. He and Astrid later sat together and drew pictures of the people hanging out playing chess outside the senior center. They watched the meteors that night outside the amusement park by the pier, and Paul told Astrid that he never thought about his dad because he was an a-hole anyway. Astrid said she wasn’t gay and she thought about her missing parent and wondered if he would read about her in the papers and want to meet her when she became an artist. The two teens then kissed. Another day, Astrid showed Ingrid a book of Paul’s drawings and Ingrid said they weren’t bad for cartoons. Astrid argued they weren’t cartoons, they were so much more than that and Paul was an artist. Ingrid told Astrid not to attach herself to anyone who showed her the least bit of attention again (like she was doing with Paul) just because Astrid was lonely. Ingrid went on to say loneliness was the human conditions and no one could ever fill that void, but the best you could do was know yourself and know what you want without bringing others into it and not to let the cattle get in the way. Astrid said that was Ingrid’s life, not her own, and she didn’t think Ingrid ever wanted her to be happy. Afterwards, Paul told Astrid, as she packed up her belongings once more and not certain of the new place the state of California would send her, that the comic book store would hold letters for him and to check it frequently because he would exchange messages with her there. They hugged each other, and then Astrid left. As Miss Martinez drove Astrid to another foster home, Astrid had a flashback of when her mom drove her to Mexico. Ingrid said they had to go there to get the drugs called DMSO, which was for all sorts of things, because they weren’t yet FDA approved. Miss Martinez interrupted Astrid’s thoughts by telling her that the female was an actress and the male did something with television that she’d be staying with, and they had no kids but were looking to adopt. As Astrid looked through the bathroom of the new foster home, she walked down the hallway and heard Miss Martinez tell Claire that Astrid had a difficult past and had miss a lot of school. She told them they didn’t have to decide immediately and to just talk to the teen and to let the social worker know if they felt uncomfortable in any way. Claire found Astrid upstairs sitting on her bed and explained that her husband Mark was away in Nova Scotia filming for a TV show. That evening, Claire and Astrid watched a horror movie that Claire was in where she was killed by a maniac with a chainsaw. She then told Astrid that acting auditions were a nightmare because you spend hours preparing for an audition and you don’t get the part because they tell you that you’re too ethnic, too classic, too something. Too ethnic meant you were a brunette, too classic meant you were too old, and too small meant your breasts. Claire said she loved the drama show fake acting world too much to give it up. They later went for a run on the beach and had a bite to eat at a café, and when Astrid looked over at another table she imagined Ingrid and Barry eating there. When Claire asked Astrid when was the best day of her life, and Astrid replied today was the best day of her life…spent with Claire. Back at home, Claire couldn’t believe Mark was home early so she left Astrid in the car and ran into the house to greet her husband. At a dinner that night that looked like a restaurant had catered but Claire took it out of the oven for the scene, she told Mark that Astrid signed up for watercolor classes with Tricia Day at the museum. Claire said Astrid’s drawings were really good and she was self-taught and had never studied under anyone. Another day, Astrid visited Ingrid at the prison and told her that Claire couldn’t have children, which was why she wanted to adopt. Ingrid commented that Astrid dressed like Claire now, and Astrid replied that they went shopping together. With the questions she asked, Ingrid found out that Astrid spent most of her time with Claire since Mark was gone a lot for work. Ingrid wanted to meet Claire because she knew Astrid didn’t want her to meet Claire. Later on, Claire and Astrid looked at old jewelry, one belonging to a past aunt who was a nurse at Ypres. They discussed how Claire’s parents were inseparable and one ring belonged to her mom, and how Claire didn’t like Mark being gone all the time and he didn’t want Claire to go with him because it slowed him down in his work. Claire voiced her thoughts that Mark was having an affair, and Astrid said he would never do that and he loved Claire. Claire said Mark called her paranoid because if he wanted to have an affair then she would never know anything about it since her husband was gone to other countries and off the grid. As Mark grilled dinner one night, Astrid asked him why Claire couldn’t go with him since he was leaving in the morning on another trip. Mark said that it was because now Claire had to stay home with Astrid, and then he asked Astrid how Claire was doing these days as if she wasn’t in her right mind. Astrid replied Claire was perfectly fine, and the next morning when Astrid got up to go for a jog she found a letter on the table. Claire came into the room and told Astrid that Ingrid had been writing to her for a little while and Ingrid didn’t want Astrid to know about their correspondence. Claire said that Ingrid’s letter was so powerful, and she thought that Ingrid was strong and talented. Claire said she wanted to meet Ingrid and it was Claire’s idea (but Astrid seriously doubted that because she knew the twisted mind of Ingrid and how it worked). Claire and Astrid then went to the prison to see Ingrid, and all of a sudden Ingrid was hugging Astrid and claiming her as hers as they talked because that was the only reason that Ingrid wanted Claire there in the first place. Astrid tried to find a way to get away from Ingrid because she wasn’t happy sitting that close to someone who was putting on a believeable façade and acting as though she was holier than thou when she murdered someone and trying to make innocent Claire feel as though she was beneath Ingrid and not as strong of a woman as the prisoner behind bars. Ingrid told Claire that all that rejection in her line of work was hard on Claire’s self-esteem. Claire responded that was what Astrid and Claire had in common and why they got along so well with their similar personalities. Ingrid told Claire that she and Astrid used to understand each other, but now Astrid had become secretive with Ingrid. Claire responded that Astrid wasn’t secretive with her and they talked all the time about everything. Claire went on to say how much they loved Astrid and she was doing so well and was even on the honor roll. Ingrid suggested putting a pyramid over Astrid’s desk because it was said to improve memory, and Claire said she hadn’t thought of that but she did practice feng shui. Claire said her husband wasn’t into feng shui but was into frequent flier miles because he was gone half the time, and it wasn’t so bad anymore now that Claire had Astrid. Ingrid replied that Astrid must be a great comfort to Claire since she couldn’t have children of her own. Claire confirmed that Astrid was, and then Ingrid asked sweetie Astrid if Claire and Ingrid could talk alone about grown-up things. Astrid tried to tell Claire they needed to leave because she didn’t want Claire subject to psycho Ingrid’s mental abuse, but Claire said that was okay and they had time. Astrid watched as Ingrid played her famous mind game on Claire and got into her head with her nutjob pretending to be “friends” method in order for Ingrid to get her ownway. Astrid had a flashback of Ingrid at Barry’s house using a knife to shred his clothes, and she told Astrid that love humiliated you and love cradled you and it was soothing as Ingrid poured milk into a vase and putting oleander flowers in it. Ingrid then had a talk alone with Astrid and asked if the trouble between Claire and Mark were because of Astrid because Ingrid knew Astrid had a thing for older men (because of Ingrid’s failed miserably parenting for many years). Astrid said it wasn’t her and told Ingrid to leave Claire alone, and Ingrid replied it was easy and fun and in her present situation (federal prison), she had to get her fun where she could. Ingrid asked how Astrid could stand to live with poor Claire and added that there was an entire order called the Poor Clares. Astrid told Ingrid that Claire was a genuinely nice person and if Ingrid loved Astrid she would help her. Ingrid replied that she would rather see Astrid in the worst kind of foster hell than living with Claire and wanted to know what Claire could possibly teach her, how to pine artistically or have twenty-seven names for tears? The only advice that Ingrid gave Astrid was to keep her bags packed and ready to leave. Days later when Mark was home, he and Claire got in an argument over his long absences from their marriage when he was on work trips (which more than likely had something to do with Ingrid’s letters and presence in their lives). Mark used Astrid as a weapon and told Claire that she wasn’t doing well and it was time to send Astrid back. Claire argued that wasn’t the case and didn’t want Astrid to go back to where she came from because there was no place for her there. Mark took Jesus’ name in vain and told Claire she was such a bad actress and he almost forgot. Astrid was listening in as Claire said she would send Astrid back as long as Mark didn’t leave her, but Mark said he had to go to work and Claire asked if his girlfriend was going too. He said he’d had it and was leaving, and then Claire tried to talk to Astrid but Astrid was crying on her bed and ignored Claire. Later that night, Astrid went to check on Claire who had a bottle of wine on her bedside table and she asked Claire if she was awake. Claire apologized to Astrid and advised her to stay away from broken people, and Astrid asked Claire not to send her back. Claire said Mark wasn’t coming back and was going to divorce her, and Astrid told Claire that wasn’t the worst thing. Astrid then climbed into the bed with Claire and she cried it out after Claire said she was really cold and snuggled next to Astrid. The next morning, Astrid woke up and Claire was on the other side of the bed and when she called out to Claire and touched her body it didn’t move. Astrid got out of bed and went to the other side to see a bunch of pills from a prescription bottle on the floor. Astrid screamed for Claire to wake up, but she was dead so Astrid broke things and cried hysterically and hugged Claire because she couldn’t believe the person she connected with the most was gone from her life forever. Astrid wound up back at McKinney Hall, and as she passed Paul she ignored him when he called out to her. Astrid went to see Ingrid, and she noticed that the teen looked very depressed and wouldn’t even look at Ingrid. Astrid explained that she was back in Mac and Claire was dead, and Ingrid tried to be all-sentimental and said she was sorry. Astrid knocked Ingrid’s hand away and told the other woman she was not sorry and she poisoned Claire too, but this time with words. Ingrid confirmed that she was jealous of Claire because her cellmate only spoke about 25 words and was not stimulating to Ingrid’s brain. Ingrid went on to say that Claire and Mark were trying to adopt a teenager instead of a baby because they had problems of their own and weren’t looking for a perfect family, especially a girl who was recovering from bullet wounds. Ingrid added that Astrid was on suicide watch and Claire no doubt attempted suicide before and that was the first time she was actually able to do it. Astrid told Ingrid that she wasn’t coming back to visit her ever again and she wanted to tell Ingrid in person and she planned on leaving her there alone. Ingrid yelled after Astrid that she was trying to protect the young teen from the enemy, and Astrid countered that she and Ingrid were the enemy and they two together were the ones hurting everyone else. Astrid walked away, and Paul again tried to talk to Astrid at Mac and she didn’t respond as she was drawing. Paul said he was turning 18 on Saturday so he was moving to New York and wanted Astrid to go with her. She said she couldn’t, and he said she could just leave. He asked if it was Ingrid who was bothering her, and Astrid didn’t’ answer so Paul said he would get a job and they’d find a place to live just like they always talked about before. Astrid told Paul she didn’t want to go to New York and she didn’t want to be with him. Paul walked away as Astrid cried. Astrid then met with another couple and Miss Martinez, and they explained that they had another foster child that was with them for three years until the birth parents took the child back. Now the Greenways wanted Astrid to come live with them, and Astrid excused herself and left from the very crowded room while Miss Martinez told the couple not to worry about Astrid’s behavior because she had a hard time her whole life. Miss Martinez went to talk to Astrid and asked her what was wrong with the couple this time, and she replied that she was too old for the Greenways. Miss Martinez said that couple was great and had been fostering for years with a nice house and an extra bedroom for Astrid and they went to church and the schools were good. They also didn’t smoke and Mr. Greenway made his own beer, but then Astrid saw a female in high heels walking across the lawn and she told Miss Martinez she wanted that lady. The social worker made that happen, and the next scene showed a very eccentric room with the gypsy-like woman speaking in a thick foreign accent, Rena, who told Astrid and the other teen roommates to wake up because they had nothing to lose but a Visa card, Happy Meal, and Kotex with wings. Blasting loud music driving a van with multiple teen girls in the back dressed like hardcore rockers, Rena asked the three teens crammed in the back with a bunch of junk if they wanted a smoke. One of them replied that she quit because she was pregnant and going to have a baby, and Rena replied why would she keep smoking because she wasn’t going to keep the baby, thank God. Rena asked cheerleader Astrid if she wanted a smoke because Rena had Russian cigarettes that were cancer-free. They stopped in a neighborhood that was not their own where the trash was put out at the curb, and the pregnant teen used a knife to cut open a trash bag and go through it as Astrid looked on. They found some old clothes, and the female turned around and told Rena and they brought the clothes to a booth to sell at the local flea market. Rena sold Astrid’s expensive clothes, and Astrid wasn’t happy about it but Rena argued that she could get a good price for them. Rena asked if Melrose Place called for Astrid to be a star, and Astrid replied that someone (probably Claire) gave the expensive clothes to her. Rena replied even better, all profit, and that was why she loved the USA because it liked money like she loved money. Rena tried to say she would take 25% of the price Astrid put on her clothing, and Astrid told her no and Rena wanted to know if the teen was going to sell it by herself and not give her a cut of the profit. Rena went on to say she paid for the stall, storage, and gas and the people paid Astrid and she paid Rena (making it sound like a prostitution pimp) and Astrid still made profit. Rena told Astrid that the dead person who gave her the things didn’t care and the past was gone and sentimental was stupid and it was smart to make money. A female shopper with a teen who tried on a Marc Jacobs dress offered $20 for it. Astrid said it was worth a lot more because it had only been worn once and the dress was designer brand, so they paid $100 in cash for the dress and were happy to do so as Rena was smiling on.  

  TWO OF TWO

  DATE REVIEWED: 8/25/23

TITLE: White Oleander (based Janet Fitch’s novel which was selected for Oprah’s Book Club in May 1999)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR:  2002 Warner Bros. Pictures / Pandora Films / Gaylord Films / Umbrella Entertainment / John Wells Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: 

 As the three teens (one with pink hair and one with red hair) that lived with Rena talked about how Astrid would probably like Danny and should hook up with him, they were interrupted up two other teens who came to see Astrid because Rena told them where she was at since Astrid wasn’t at Rena’s house. The girls explained that they visited Astrid’s mother in prison because she was their project in Women’s Studies. The teens said they came on their own and Ingrid didn’t send them, but they told Astrid that Ingrid asked the girls to mail Astrid the interview from Ingrid’s art show at Bergamot but they decided to instead deliver it in person to Astrid. Astrid took the document from the girls as they told her they talked to Ingrid about all kinds of things such as music, art and Astrid. Ingrid sent the message with the girls to tell Astrid that Ingrid felt really bad about what happened between them and her fostering situation. Astrid asked the girls if they came out and wanted to adopt her, and she told them that Ingrid did kill Barry and they needed to know that Astrid was there. There was a flashback of Astrid watching Ingrid from a window where Ingrid was in the garden harvesting her poisonous oleander flowers and Astrid didn’t know why people grew them unless they were going to poison others. Astrid then remembered waking up in her bed afterward with her mom being arrested and telling Astrid they couldn’t keep her and she would be back in an hour. At Rena’s house, there was a crazy drinking, drug and sex party with teens and possibly adults. Astrid escaped to her room with a bottle of beer and drew the same female again whom she remembered and called Annie but didn’t know who she was. At the flea market, Astrid talked to the other two questionable teens drinking beer as Astrid smoked a cigarette. As they spoke a female the girls called a Rodeo Drive refugee showed up looking for Rena. Rena told the woman if she came from INS, then Rena had a green card because she thought she was busted. Susan Valeris, Ingrid’s lawyer, introduced herself and said she had been all over the junkyard looking for Rena. The attorney offered a cigarette to Astrid as she sat down and had a talk with her, and Astrid told Susan that all the prisoners smoked so maybe she should offer them one. Susan said that Ingrid was proud of Astrid for not quitting school (as though Ingrid was really the mom to Astrid in the picture) and Susan wanted to know what plans Astrid had for the future since she was graduating soon. Astrid, in her punk hippie getup, replied sarcastically she thought she would be a criminal lawyer, and it was either that or a hooker or garbage collector. Susan said Ingrid said the teen would be difficult and Astrid had been through a terrible ordeal after Astrid thought Ingrid knew best for the child that wasn’t in her life. Susan pointed out that Astrid had been through three foster homes, the shooting, the suicide of a foster mother, and Ingrid being a murderer as well. Susan asked about Claire because she understood after speaking with Ingrid that Astrid and Claire were close. Astrid asked Susan if Susan asked Ingrid about her involvement with Claire’s death, and Susan defended her client by saying that Astrid couldn’t possibly blame Ingrid for the death of a woman she met once (not true). Astrid said she did blame Ingrid for Claire’s death, and Susan said that was cynical of Astrid to do that. Astrid caught on quickly and asked Susan if the reason why she was there was because she wanted Astrid to lie for Ingrid in court. Attorney Susan asked the underage girl why she hated Ingrid so much and wanted to know if it was because she felt abandoned or thought Ingrid was a murderer (why wasn’t there any reputable adult guardian present during the conversations Astrid was having with these stranger adult people). Susan suggested that Astrid talk to Ingrid because people did change, and Susan went on to say Astrid should hear the way Ingrid talked and worried about her (not the way Ingrid was, and people did change, but throughout the whole entire movie Ingrid was vindictive and hateful and not a parent to Astrid even when she was present in her life so why Ingrid was able to continue to have that child be subject to such abuse by her was beyond reasoning when you factor in the whole fifteen years of that young girl’s life and the negative influence Ingrid already had on God’s child). Susan played the money card and said Ingrid asked if there was anything was anything Astrid needed, such as money for college or a car, because there was money behind Ingrid in jail and Astrid just needed to tell Susan what she wanted and Astrid could have it if she gave false tesitmony that helped Ingrid get out of jail (bribe money to testify in court on behalf of Ingrid instead of against her). Later on, as Astrid did crafts, Russian Rena walked over smoking another cigarette and told Astrid she was a stupid girl because she walked away from the money to punish Ingrid. Rena added that if Astrid wanted a car or art college, it all cost money, and Astrid told Rena to stay out of it because she had no idea of the full extent of the story behind what happened in Astrid’s lifetime. Rena replied in an evil tone it didn’t matter because she had plans for Astrid anyway, and she explained that Niki would be leaving soon and Yvonne was a stupid girl making a third baby (Yvonne appearing to be about sixteen) and every time she looked at the window to see the baby’s face, the baby was gone. Yvonne then cried like it was a big surprise, and Russian Rena told Astrid she was a special girl and if she stayed with Rena, she would make Astrid a partner. Astrid questioned staying at Rena’s house, and Rena asked if she had a better place to go and told her to go see Ingrid because she needed something from Astrid and Astrid needed something from Ingrid (it sounded like shaddy Rena was getting a cut on whatever the ungodly attorney was getting in order to get Ingrid’s way and Astrid back in Ingrid’s life). Astrid (now with her goth freak/Ozzy Osbourne look with blood red lipstick, heavy dark makeup, black leather outfit with a half-shirt, and her blond hair dyed to black), along with attorney Susan, went to visit the prison again, and Ingrid was shocked and using God’s name in vain when she saw Astrid. Astrid wanted to know what was wrong and if Ingrid didn’t like her new style, and Susan left them alone to speak. Ingrid watched as Astrid started smoking a cigarette, and Astrid wanted to know what the story was and if Ingrid wanted her to lie in court about the truth like what they did in Mexico together, buying DMSO. Astrid asked how bad Barry had to be portrayed in order to get Ingrid out of jail like saying he beat Ingrid and raped Astrid. Ingrid couldn’t believe what happened to Astrid in her sudden change in character and attire and told Astrid that when she got out she would make it up to her. Astrid asked who said Ingrid was getting out because she said she would talk to Ingrid only and she didn’t say she was going to lie in court for her. Ingrid wanted to know what Astrid wanted, and Astrid replied she had a deal to make and wanted to trade. Astrid gave Ingrid the ultimatum that if she didn’t tell her the truth about everything she kept from Astrid, then Astrid wouldn’t lie for Ingrid in court and she could rot in prison for her rest of her life since Astrid was now calling the shots. Ingrid told Astrid she was a Sunset Boulevard motel, a $20 hooker in the back of a car. Astrid asked Ingrid why she murdered Barry, and Ingrid wanted to make it clear that if she told Astrid would she then give her word she would testify on Ingrid’s behalf. Astrid replied yes, and Ingrid (rehearsed in her mind no doubt for many hours in her cell to sound convincing) said it was self-defense because Barry was killing her. Astrid wanted to know why Ingrid went after Claire when Claire didn’t do anything to Ingrid. Ingrid said Claire went after herself and she just showed Claire how to commit suicide. Astrid wanted to know who her father was, and Ingrid replied that was ancient history and his name was Klaus Anders and he was an artist. They met at a Venice Beach party and he had the drugs, and Astrid asked Ingrid if she loved Klaus. Ingrid replied they had a very sexual relationship and one overlooked many things, such as love, when that happened. Astrid corrected Ingrid that she worshipped Klaus because Astrid read Ingrid’s journal. Ingrid didn’t like the word “worship,” in their conversation, so she said that wasn’t the word to describe it and Astrid asked how Annie was. Ingrid said Annie was a neighbor who took in kids and did people’s laundry and Ingrid described Annie as having dark, curly hair and freckles. When Astrid asked if Annie took care of her, Ingrid wanted to know how Astrid could possibly remember Annie. Ingrid said to imagine her life when she was young and had a child to care for and all she wanted to do was have time to think but Astrid, the child, just wanted and wanted all of Ingrid’s attention. Ingrid said she felt like a hostage having Astrid in her younger years and Ingrid was desperate back then. Ingrid confessed that she dropped Astrid off at Annie’s house one afternoon so Ingrid could go to the beach with some of her friends. One thing led to another, and they had a place in Ensenada and it was wonderful to take a nap in the afternoon and to make love all day and not have to think about “What’s Astrid doing? Where’s Astrid? Mommy, Mommy…” clinging to her like a spider. At the end, Ingrid just wanted to throw Astrid against a wall. Ingrid confessed she was gone away from Astrid for about a year give or take months and left Astrid with a total stranger. Astrid couldn’t believe it, and Ingrid told her she wasn’t asking the right questions because Astrid should not be asking why Ingrid left, but why Ingrid came back (says the psychopath). Astrid told Ingrid she should have been sterilized, and Ingrid argued that she did the right thing for once in her life because she came back and took Astrid with her (fast forward many years and let’s see how well that decision turned out for Astrid). Astrid said she had always waited for Ingrid and that was the constant in her life because Ingrid was never present, and Astrid was also worried in her younger years when there were instances when Ingrid tied her up in front of a store and come back for her later or leave Astrid on a bus because Ingrid was too busy with her own lifestyle to remember she had a small child to take care of. Astrid said she stopped waiting for Ingrid when Claire showed Astrid what it felt like to be loved by a parent. Astrid explained that babies were demanding and a lot of work, and that was normal if you wanted to have one in your life and they couldn’t have a conversation about Joseph Brodsky at that time because they weren’t old enough. Ingrid said she thought she and Klaus would live happily ever after like Adam and Eve in a vine-covered shack. Ingrid confirmed that she was in love with Klaus and she didn’t leave him, he left her for another woman when Astrid was six months old. Ingrid never saw Klaus again until he came looking for Astrid when she was eight years old. Ingrid wouldn’t let Klaus see Astrid after what he did to Ingrid, and Astrid screamed that it was her decision to see Klaus and not Ingrid’s and she called Ingrid out on being selfish for not allowing Klaus to see Astrid (why did it take the stranger male 8 years to make an attempt?). As she flicked her cigarette to the ground, Astrid told Ingrid she knew Ingrid was going to kill Barry and didn’t give a damn as to the consequences or how that would affect Astrid’s life. Astrid said she would say whatever Susan wanted her to say, but she had to leave because she didn’t want to be part of Ingrid’s life anymore. Ingrid told Astrid she couldn’t just walk away because Ingrid made her and was in Astrid’s blood (God made HIS children). Astrid said she couldn’t go anywhere until Ingrid finally decided to let Astrid go, and Astrid told Ingrid to let her go. Ingrid no longer liked to look at what Astrid had become and explained that was the price of being attached to Ingrid because she made Astrid that way with her psychological mind games.Ingrid said she would take back all her crazy ways back if she could, and Astrid told her that if she didn’t want to see Astrid looking like that, then she needed to tell Astrid not to testify at all and that Ingrid would sacrifice the rest of her life to have Astrid back the way she was before she went into foster care. Ingrid said nothing. So, Astrid said to forget it and a deal was a deal so she would testify and they’d leave it at that. Astrid then went to the comic book store where she and Paul used to go and asked the cashier if he knew where Paul Trout was. The clerk grabbed a stack of letters he was holding for Astrid and told her that Paul said he knew she would show up to collect them. Astrid waited at the bus station and Paul arrived on a Los Angeles Greyhound bus, and they hugged each other. They then waited outside the courtroom, and a bunch of people suddenly walked out. Paul asked what was going on, and Astrid didn’t know so she went to find out still dressed as a goth weirdo. She asked the bailiff if it was a recess, and he replied no and the jury was out. Inside the courtroom, Astrid asked Susan why she wasn’t testifying at Ingrid’s trial, and Susan replied that Ingrid told her to leave Astrid out of the testimony. As the county sheriff took Ingrid away, she and Astrid stared at each other. Astrid then went and watched from the window as Ingrid left on a bus for the prison, and Astrid told Paul that Ingrid finally let her go so she could possibly have somewhat of a normal life. Paul gave Astrid a kiss and held onto her. Astrid narrated that two years after she and Paul moved to New York, she received a letter from Ingrid and in it was a copy of the Los Angeles Times Magazine with Ingrid on the cover because a Santa Monica gallery had mounted a showing of Ingrid’s artwork (it is a crazy world when a two time killer behind bars is thrust in the spotlight for artwork when person wasn’t famous for her work before committing murder). The Times included seven pages of her hauntingly distant prison collages, and in the dramatic picture Ingrid was staring out from the cover with the bars of her cell behind her. Ingrid displayed it as beautiful, dangerous and proud. The Times also said Ingrid was close to winning a retrial after a first failed appeal and they called her show a triumph. Astrid (back to blond and less freakish) and Paul were in their own-shared New York art studio working on their masterpieces together. Astrid never again in the movie thought about Klaus. Astrid designed suitcases filled with memorabilia. One was a shadow box with a picture of the Mona Lisa, dollhouse figures, red roses, palm trees, and a picture of Russian Rena with medals. Another had jewelry with a picture of Claire and Astrid hugging and love and pretty flowers and a picture of a bunny that was hanging in Astrid’s room at Claire’s house. Another suitcase had forks holding the strands of her long blond hair that she cut at Mac and Paul’s “La Puta Del Diablo,” comic picture. There was also the suitcase with Starr in her bikini surrounded by crosses (although not really a Christian), and the final suitcase was black and filled with oleander flowers and a drawing of Ingrid, a water globe, and broken glass. Astrid closed the suitcases in the end and explained that the boxes were a map of the terrible country that she would never revisit again. Astrid couldn not imagine the grief that Ingrid must have experienced to let Astrid go and Astrid thought that somewhere in the midst of all of that hurt, neglect and abuse from Ingrid there was some type of love. The movie covert art listed Leonard Maltin, Hot Ticket, “Hot! A terrific movie.” And also, Rex Reed, The New York Observer, “Intelligently written, sensitively directed and memorably acted.” 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/24/23

TITLE: The Maze Runner (based on the best-selling book series by James Dashner)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014  20th Century Fox / Gotham Group / Temple Hill Entertainment / TSG Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a teenage boy named Thomas finding himself trapped inside an elevator called the Box that brought him to a Glade filled with a large group of other teen boys called the Gladers. The other boys had been trapped in the Glade, situated at the entrance of a dark and dangerous high-walled maze, for three years and once a month a new boy, a Greenie, was brought to the maze. The Box also regularly delivered supplies to build shelters, but the boys had to grow their own food. None of them could remember anything about their lives prior to the maze, and the only thing they were allowed to keep was their name which they remembered a short time after arriving. Alby, was the leader of the Gladers because he was the first person to ever arrive in the Glade. Alby explained to Thomas that the three rules were to do your part, never harm another Glader, and never go into the maze (unless you are a Runner). Thomas was freaked out by the whole experience and immediately tried to check out the maze, but Gally, the keeper of the Builders, saved his life by stopping him. The Runners were a small group of Gladers who entered the maze the moment the doors opened in the morning and spent the day looking for a way out. They had found nothing after three years because the maze changed every night and a new numbered section opened. If the Runners didn’t get out of the maze before the doors closed, they were trapped and the “Grievers” would finish them off in the night. It didn’t take long for Thomas to remember his name. Alby took Thomas to carve his name on the wall next to all the other boys’ names. While Thomas searched for fertilizer in the woods, a Runner named Ben who tried to kill him and attacked him. Thomas ran back to the Glade and the other boys heard his screams for help and managed to tackle Ben and carry him to the pit. Alby explained to Thomas that Ben was the first Glader to ever have been “stung,” in the middle of the day and now his brain was infected and his condition would only get worse. Therefore, as the doors were closing that night the boys used their poles to force teen Ben into the maze where he would die. Alby went into the maze with Minho, the keeper of the Runners, to retrace Ben’s footsteps. However, just as the maze doors were closing that day Minho appeared trying to drag Alby (who had been stung and was now unconscious) out the door. The boys told Minho to leave their teen leader Alby and save himself, but he refused to and just before the doors closed completely Thomas decided to run in. He and Minho carried Alby, and as the Grievers roared in the distance Minho wanted to leave Alby behind but Thomas spotted a wall covered with vines where they tied Alby to keep him safe from the Grievers. A Griever (a terrifying, giant robotic spider-like creature with a scorpion tail) approached and Minho made a run for it, and Thomas was able to outrun the Griever. The maze started changing, and he and Minho ran to the new section that opened and the Griever was trapped and killed between the closing walls. Thomas and Minho made it out of the maze carrying Alby, and Gally was convinced they should punish Thomas for violating their most important rule. Everyone disagreed and thought Thomas was a hero, and Minho even suggested they make Thomas a Runner because he was the only person to ever kill a Griever and he saved Alby’s life. The Box then arrived ahead of schedule, and the first girl to ever come to the Glade was unconscious inside the Box. The boys read the note in her hand that told them she was “the last one ever.” The boys thought the teen girl was dead but then she woke up gasping and said “Thomas” before she passed out again. Thomas convinced Minho to go back into the maze and get a better look at the dead Griever to finally see what they were up against, and three others joined them. Minho removed a mechanical device that was numbered “seven” from the Greiver and they brought it back to Newt, Alby’s second-in-command. Gally told Newt that Alby would agree with him that Thomas broke their rules and then tried to convince them to ignore their rules altogether when those rules were the only things that ever held them together. Newt agreed to punish Thomas with one night in the pit and no food, and he also made it official that starting the following day, Thomas was a Runner. Minho then showed Thomas a model of the maze that he built and revealed that he mapped the entire thing out and knew there was no escape, but he never told anyone because it was Alby’s decision that everyone should be kept under the impression they could get out. They then discovered that the girl was awake, because she threw things at the boys from the top of a lookout treehouse to keep them all away from her. She stopped when Thomas called out his name and came up, and he was able to calm her down by reassuring her everything that happened was normal. She said her name was Teresa, and Thomas took away the huge butcher knife she was holding. Teresa explained that she had dreams of drowning, faces staring at her, and a woman’s voice repeating, “Wicked is good.” Thomas had those same dreams ever since he arrived in the Glade, and now he recognized Teresa from those dreams where she always told him everything was going to change. Teresa gave Thomas two syringes of blue liquid labeled “WCKD,” which were in her pocket when she arrived, and Thomas convinced the others that maybe injecting Alby with one of the syringes could help him since he had already lost his mind. The substance helped calm Alby, and because Gally was angry with Thomas and blamed him for their cause of their most recent problems, he was the one to lock Thomas in the pit for the night. Chuck, the youngest Glader, brought Thomas food and showed him a carving he made for his parents who he couldn’t remember. He tried to give it to Thomas, but he told Chuck to keep it because Thomas was convinced Chuck would get the chance to give it to his parents himself. The next morning, Thomas and Minho went back into the maze, and Thomas used the device from the Griever as a compass and followed the beeping into a new passage that Minho had never seen before. The walls started crumbling around them and they made it out just in time and informed the others that they found the place where the Grievers went during the day. Gally told Thomas that he probably did something to doom them all, and Thomas argued that they had been there for three years and he had been there three days and might have already found a way out of the crazy maze they were “trapped” in. Teresa interrupted them because Alby was awake, and he tearfully told Thomas that the injection helped him remember. He said Thomas was one of “them” and was always their favorite, and then they were interrupted by the realization that the doors weren’t closing for the night. The Grievers came out into the Glade and attacked everyone, and Thomas and some of the others locked themselves into a building. A Griever grabbed little Chuck and Alby was able to free Chuck by fighting the Griever off but then it grabbed Alby and killed him. Gally tried to attack Thomas, but the other boys held him back and then Thomas injected himself with the syringe so he could remember. When he woke up, Thomas was informed that Gally took control and gave everyone the choice to either join him or get banished at sundown with Thomas. Thomas explained the information he received about how the maze wasn’t a prison, it was a test that started when they were young kids. They were given challenges and a new person was sent to the maze each month, and Thomas confirmed that he and Teresa were on the other side of it all working with the people who put them there. Newt announced that it only mattered who they were now and not how they were before the maze, and he told Thomas to go finish what he started otherwise Alby would have died for nothing. Thomas and Theresa were taken captive by Gally, who planned to tie them to posts and kill them. Thomas and Teresa got free, and Thomas told everyone that he and his group were going to try and find a way out instead of staying trapped in the Glade for the rest of their lives. Gally and a few others stayed behind, but about a dozen Gladers joined Thomas, Theresa, Newt, Minho, Chuck and their group. They battled Grievers and got through the new passageway using a code, which was the numbers of the maze sections in the sequence they always opened in (which only Minho knew). They walked down a dim hallway and went through a door marked “EXIT,” into a lab filled with dead and bloody bodies. After they discovered cameras, which proved they were being watched, Thomas pressed a button and they all watched on one of the screens a recording of female Dr. Ava Paige, the Director of Operations of the World Catastrophe Killzone Department (WCKD). She explained that if they were watching the video it meant they successfully completed the Maze Trials, and everything that happened to them was done for a reason. The Sun scorched their planet and billions of lives were lost to fire, famine and suffering on a global scale. After the fallout, the Flare came and it was a deadly virus that attacked the brain and was violent, unpredictable and incurable. However, in time a new generation occurred that was able to survive the virus. Ava went on to say the young had to be tested and sacrificed inside harsh environments where their brain activity could be studied, all in an effort to help the scientists understand what made the young different. Ava said the Trials had only just begun, and behind her terrorists came in the lab and shot everyone dead. Ava held a gun to her head and shot herself in front of the teens watching, and then a new door opened. Before they could leave, Gally appeared. He had been stung recently and held a gun in his hand to shoot the others telling them they weren’t leaving because they would never be free and all belonged to the maze, he included. Thomas tried to convince Gally to put the gun down, and just as he pulled the trigger Chuck jumped in front of Thomas and took the bullet in his chest. Minho threw his spear into Gally’s heart and killed him instantly, and Chuck collapsed and gave the carving he made for his parents to Thomas to give to them. Chuck died, and Thomas sobbed and damned God. Another door opened and black-clad gunmen with facemasks and high-powered weapons arrived and dragged the teens away from the scene into a desert where a helicopter awaited them.Inside the helicopter, a man took off his mask and asked everyone if they were all right because they were safe now, and then the helicopter took off. As the Gladers stared down at the huge city maze fortress below, they were told to relax and everything was going to change as they were taken to a desert city. It turned out to be staged drama about Ava shooting herself in the head, because she was seen again and told her colleagues that the Maze Trials were a success. She didn’t think so many people would survive but the more the merrier, and Thomas continued to surprise and impress them. Ava said the chosen teens seemed to have taken the bait, and they could be the key to everything so it time to begin Phase Two. This movie had a budget of $34 million and grossed over $348 million at the box office. Brian Truitt from USA Today was listed on the movie cover art as saying “Full-tilt action.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/22/23

TITLE: Persuasion (based on the book by Jane Austen)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1995  BBC Films / WGBH Boston / MOBIL Masterpiece Theatre / French Milliésime Productions / Sony Pictures Classics / Columbia Tristar Home Video

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with townspeople asking for payment on bills that were many months old on the Elliot estate. There was a meeting later at an estate where Admiral George Croft told the folks around the table that the war was over and Napoleon Bonaparte had abdicated and was confined to the island of Elba. Sir Walter Elliot spoke with other socialites in a different scene about how he didn’t want any of the Navy as a tenant in his estate and made jokes about them in a mean way. The neighbors informed Walter that he must retrench because of his debts, and they tried to convince Walter to go to Bath where it was more economical for the Elliot family to live. The Elliot’s and company discussed Mr. and Mrs. Croft being childless and believed that they were the best for preserving furniture and they would take care of his estate if they rented it while he went to Bath. Sir Walter then agreed that going to Bath was best thing to rectify his current financial situation by renting out his estate. Mrs. Croft was related to Captain Frederick Wentworth in the area. Walter told his guests to proceed with the treaty and let the Crofts take possession of Michaelmas, and Walter wanted Mrs. Penelope Clay to reside with them in Bath where she would be a companion for his pampered daughter, Elizabeth Elliot.Lady Russell was told that Sir Walter’s other daughter, Anne, couldn’t go to Bath because another sister, Mary, was indisposed and required Anne’s company in Uppercross until her health improved, and the to big for her britches sister (Elizabeth) continued speaking and told Anne that she would be better off staying because no one would want her in Bath. As Elizabeth left, she gave instructions to Anne to visit every house in the parish since it was the Elliot way, and Elizabeth added that she wanted books and music sent to her in Bath and that Anne needed to catalog all the pictures and clear her rubbish out of the storeroom. Sir Walter said, with Anne standing there that if only he had a son to leave his estate to and the then told Anne that Lady Russell would bring her to Bath after Christmas (Christmas was left out in the movie). Some of the house was packed up with Anne helping the servants get things ready to be sent to Bath. Anne confided in her friend Lady Russell that when her mom was alive, there was no need of moving anywhere because Mrs. Elliot kept her husband and children’s spending under control and they weren’t put into their current position of financial turmoil. Anne said she hoped to be gone before the Crofts arrived, and Lady Russell said she had no desire to meet the new tenants of Kellynch Hall. The two females then discussed Anne and Wentworth when she was nineteen years old eight years before and wasn’t certain about marriage at that time, and Lady Russell said that Wentworth had nothing but himself and he needed to grow up before settling down and have something to offer a female since before he had no fortune or connections and it was entirely prudent of Anne to reject him. Sir Walter and his spoiled daughter Elizabeth traveled in a grand carriage to Bath, while Anne was stuck riding with a pig farmer to visit her other sister Mary in Uppercross. When Anne arrived, she saw from the window Mary peeking out at her but when she went inside she picked up the pieces of a smashed chair on the floor and listened to dramatic Mary, now lying on the couch, say she was very ill and could hardly speak. They discussed how the Musgroves didn’t go and visit the sick, so Mary couldn’t report on the village people and how Charles (Mary’s husband) had been out hunting the entire day and still wasn’t back home. Mary talked about her sisters-in-law and didn’t like their gossiping because they talked way too much. Mary was out and about attending social events anyway even though she told Anne she felt deathly ill because she mentioned that Charles took her out with Henrietta and Louisa Musgrove and she was crushed with them in the backseat because there was no room in the carriage and she didn’t have her own and she was convinced that contributed to her illness. Mary’s appetite seemed not to fail and she had little table manners and often spoke with food in her mouth. Mary’s sisters-in-law and mother-in-law were at the Great House when Mary and Anne went there for a walk after lunch, and they wanted Anne to play the pianoforte while Mary danced because Anne played so well and they pointed out that Anne didn’t like to dance. Mr. Musgrove walked in with his gun with Charles and they greeted Anne. They discussed how Anne’s family went to Bath and the Musgroves were considering going because it was such a great big place. Mrs. Musgrove took Anne and sat by the fire and told her how she didn’t approve of the way Mary and Charles raised their children because they were very troublesome boys (we have yet to see any children in this movie). Mary told Anne the truth that Mrs. Musgrove gave the boys so many sweet things to eat they became sick and unruly as a result and was concerned about keeping them in order if they went to Bath when Charles their father spoiled them so much. Charles then told Anne that he could raise his own boys better if it wasn’t for Mary’s interference and asked Anne to please tell her sister to quit pretending to be ill when she was not. Henrietta asked Anne to help Mary not to be so self-centered and trying to steal the attention away from Mrs. Musgrove when she visited. Louisa told Anne her mom didn’t care about etiquette but loved cake, and Mary told Anne that the people were apt to forget whose daughter Mary was and she asked Anne to speak to Charles and persuade him that she was very, very ill as she gobbled down a big piece of chocolate cake. Henrietta later played the harp beautifully for everyone. Admiral Croft came for a visit and Mary told him that Charles was hunting and he was curious to meet his father-in-law’s tenant. In stormed Mary’s rambunctious boys to sit on Admiral Croft. Mrs. Croft told Anne that her brother Edward was married and he had a new curacy and they settled in a parish in Shropshire, and she didn’t specify it was Edward so Anne thought she was talking about Wentworth. Admiral Croft took the boys over to the desk and showed them how to make a paper boat, and then he chimed in about Mrs. Croft’s other seafaring brother who he presumed the females had never met. However, that was when Anne and Mary enlightened the Crofts that they had already met Wentworth because he had visited them when they were younger and called on the young women at Kellynch Hall. Mrs. Croft was surprised to hear that Anne knew her other brother Wentworth. As Anne was sailing the paper boat with her young nephews, Henrietta ran out and said that her parents drove over to Kellynch Hall and met Wentworth and he had just returned to England or paid off or something. Henrietta told Mary, who had just opened the window to ask Henrietta to come inside, that she was only coming to invite them to dinner at the Great House that evening to meet Wentworth. However, a medical emergency happened before they could go to dinner, where little Charles fell from a tree when he and his brother were playing and so he was taken to bed and examined by the doctor. It turned out the young boy broke his collarbone and only time would tell if his spine was injured, and the doctor told Anne (his mom couldn’t and didn’t want to handle the responsibility) not to move the child and leave him where he was and to give him water. Charles Sr. came home and wanted to know what happened, and Mary asked her husband how he could abandon his child and go to dinner, and he replied that he couldn’t do anything for the child who was resting and he was going anyway to his parents’ house. Anne wiped little Charles’ face while Mary ranted that nursing the sick wasn’t her thing and Anne told Mary that nursing wasn’t for men but the duty of the mother. Anne suggested that her sister go out to dinner with her husband while she cared for her sister’s sickened child and Mary was all too happy to go to the party with her husband and meet Wentworth and leave Anne to do the work of nursing the child back to health because Mary didn’t like the job. The next morning as Mary and Anne discussed how Wentworth wasn’t going to call on them because the child was ill, Charles tapped on the window and told them that he had come for the dogs and Wentworth was following him with Henrietta and Louisa. Wentworth came in and said hello to Mary and Anne and left as soon as he arrived only to be followed out the door by Henrietta, Louisa, and now Mary too while Anne stayed behind to watch Little Charles. After the hunting, Mary came back and said they bagged a lot of birds and Henrietta asked Wentworth about Anne and he replied that she was so altered he didn’t believe she was the same person from before. Anne sat in front of her mirror staring at herself, and at the dinner table that evening Wentworth explained that in 1806, he went sailing on the Asp for his first command and he explained that the admiralty liked to entertain themselves by sending a few hundred men on a ship that could barely float. Wentworth went on to say how he sailed the Laconia to the West Indies and that made him quite rich. They discussed how bachelor Wentworth would sing to a different tune if he had a wife of his own, and after Wentworth left the table Mrs. Croft told everyone how she was a great traveler and crossed the Atlantic four times, went to the East Indies once (but never to the West Indies), and also went to Cork, Lisbon and Gibraltar. She explained to Mrs. Musgrove that Bermuda and Bahama were not considered the West Indies. Anne asked Mrs. Croft if she suffered from any sicknesses while at sea, and Sophy Croft replied not at all except for one winter at Deal when she imagined she was sick and her husband was away without her on the North Seas. As long as she and the admiral traveled together, nothing ever ailed her. Anne played the piano and merrily everyone danced around the room until Henry Hayter, the Musgroves’ cousin from Winthrop, arrived. Back at their house, Charles told his wife that Wentworth made 20,000 pounds and he would be a good catch to marry one of his sisters and asked Anne which one Wentworth should marry. Mary said she didn’t think Henrietta should throw herself away on Henry Hayter and should put her eyes on Wentworth and think of her family because it was inconvenient for any young woman to give bad connections which Mary believed Henry had. Charles said Henry would inherit a sizeable property in Winthrop and Henrietta would be happy with him and that would leave Louisa to be with Wentworth and Charles would be satisfied. Anne wanted no part of the conversation and wouldn’t reply to either of them because she was still secretly in love with Wentworth. Anne went for a walk and came across the sisters talking about Henry and how arrangements had already been made for his and Henrietta’s wedding. The foursome of females went on a long walk and when they came across Wentworth and Charles the men joined them. Louisa and Wentworth seemed to pair off together and were happy to get to know each other better while Anne was trailed behind. They walked all the way to the Hayter house, and Mary told her husband she wasn’t going down there and got Henrietta to stay by her side and rest with her as well as Louisa because Mary didn’t want Henrietta marrying Henry. Charles stormed off saying he was going to pay his respects to his aunt while they were there, and Louisa pulled Henrietta along after Charles to go see the Hayters. Mary was unhappy, and Louisa came running back a few minutes later and asked Wentworth if he wanted to go get some nuts in the woods so they walked off together. As Mary stormed off because she had a wet butt on the ground where she sat next to Anne, Anne listened as Louisa and Wentworth discussed how the family tried to convince Charles to marry Anne instead of Mary. Louisa said that Anne refused Charles about a year before he married Mary, and Louisa went on to say that Lady Russell persuaded Anne to refuse Charles (like Lady Russell told Anne not to be involved with Wentworth). Mary came back and made Anne get up from her seat so Mary could sit in it, and Charles came back with Henrietta and Henry and introduced him to Wentworth. The Crofts came by with their buggy on their way back as they walked, and Wentworth had seen Anne stumble a bit so he whispered to Mrs. Croft to let Anne squeeze in beside Mrs. Croft and her husband in their buggy for the last mile home. Later that night, Wentworth got a letter from his buddy Captain Harville saying he was settling in Lyme which was about seventeen miles away so Wentworth said he would ride there to visit Harville the following day because he was not in good health and had a leg wound in the war. The next day, the adults, without the children, all went to Lyme with Wentworth on his boat since Anne would be leaving for Bath soon. After everyone met Harville and his wife and Captain Benwick, Louisa as they walked commented that the sailors had more worth than any other set of men in England. Anne hit it off with Captain Benwick who was a guest at the Harville house, and they discussed and quoted poetry from Lady On The Lake, Marmion and Byron. At dinner later on, Wentworth listened in on the discussion between Anne and Benwick with Anne giving him the advice that too much poetry was unsafe. Benwick told Anne she had no idea what he went through (his fiancée died before he could get married because they postponed the wedding until he could earn money), and Anne replied she could very much relate to his loss. When they were on their way to breakfast, Anne noticed a man staring at her appreciatively so then she had more confidence in her looks because she appeared to have caught his eye. The man ended up being Mr. Elliot, the heir to Kellynch Hall and was Anne and Mary’s cousin. Anne reminded Mary that Sir Walter and their cousin weren’t on speaking terms so they weren’t going to go introduce themselves so Wentworth commented they were lucky they didn’t bump into each other because Mr. Elliot and Anne had already bumped into each other more than once. Louisa was showing off as the group took another walk. Do anything for attention Louisa ran up and down the steep stairs and told Wentworth to catch her more than one time while she jumped off the ledge. Captain Wentworth didn’t get to her in time on one jump off the ledge that the questionable female took so Louisa landed hard on the concrete below and was unconscious from whacking her head. Anne took charge since Louisa was still breathing and she had Benwick fetch a surgeon since he knew the area and asked Wentworth and Charles to help her carry Louisa to the Harvilles. Later on, Charles said he wasn’t going to leave his sister but a message had to get to their parents to notify them of Louisa’s conditions. Wentworth said Anne should stay behind and nurse Louisa since she was good at that, but Mary in her theatrical way was upset and wanted to stay since she was related to Louisa and Anne wasn’t. Wentworth took a carriage with Anne and Henrietta. With Henrietta asleep on Anne’s shoulder, he told Anne that he regretted something but didn’t finish the sentence. They arrived at the parents’ house and Mrs. Musgrove screamed in alarm when she heard the news and they left right away to go to their sick daughter Louisa’s side. News came later on that Louisa was now conscious and would live after her immature and foolish attempt to get attention in a very hurtful way to all involved. Anne arrived in Bath, and at dinner they had to listen to Sir Walter go on and on about how he counted 87 homely women go by on the streets and the men were in worse shape than the females and Sir Walter couldn’t find a handsome one among them. Anne was told that their cousin Mr. Elliot was calling nearly every day and they she would meet him soon. Lady Russell had a conversation with Anne about how Elizabeth was hoping to marry her cousin Mr. Elliot. They were interrupted when the Crofts arrived in Bath as a couple told Lady Russell that the atheists were thoroughly routed, and Anne was happy to see the Crofts’ friendly faces. Anne went to see her father and sisters, where she was told their cousins, the Dowager Lady Dalrymple and the Honorable Miss Carteret, were planning to visit. Sir Walter asked Anne, now dressed in lighter color clothes than her usual dark colors, if she was using Gowland’s Lotion and complimented her on her looks and noticed they improved since she was away from her family, and she said she wasn’t using anything. Elizabeth had a hissy fit that her cousin was a viscountess and she wasn’t. They were introduced to the cousins, and Anne later discussed with her male cousin that Lady Dalrymple and her viscountess weren’t so good mannered. Mr. Elliot reminded Anne that even though they might not be they kept people who had good manners around them. They both agreed that the best company was people that had good conversation skills and a liberality of ideas, and Mr. Elliot replied that good company only required birth, education and manners. He informed Anne that the Dalrymples were moving to Bath and wanted Anne to be there too, and Mr. Elliot told Anne that they had a lot in common, one thing being they wanted her father to mix in the best society, and he went on to say in his heart he knew his cousin Anne intimately. Anne got an invitation from an old schoolmate of hers, Mrs. Smith who was a widow, to visit with her and Walter made fun of Mrs. Smith and Sir Walter thought it was worthless for his daughter to spend time with that person when she should be grace the Dalrymples with her presence. They got into a heated argument and Sir Walter said his nobility in Ireland and England and their family ruled over a dimwit with the name of Mrs. Smith, and Anne told her dad she was going to see Mrs. Smith regardless and would not attend the tea party with the Dalrymples. The other guests stormed out of the room when Anne told her father Sir Walter that Mrs. Smith wasn’t the only person in Bath with misfortune and little dignity (meaning her father too).When Anne arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house, she was told by Mrs. Smith that her female Nurse Rooke got what little money she had and that Nurse Rooke had to carry Mrs. Smith to her bath and the Nurse would tell her the hot gossip of the outside world around her since Mrs. Smith was ill and couldn’t walk. Anne called Nurse Rooke out as being a spy for her friend, and they discussed how Anne’s cousin Mr. Eliot thought very highly of her and that was the rumor around Bath since there were no secrets in that part of the country. Anne walked with Admiral Croft later on, and he said that Frederick Wentworth had courted Louisa Musgrove for weeks and waited around until Louisa’s head injury healed, but then Wentworth decided he didn’t want to proceed with that relationship and moved to Shropshire. The Admiral added that Louisa, instead of being married to Frederick, she was going to marry James Benwick, and Admiral Croft said that Frederick wrote him directly and told him that truth (probably knowing Anne would be told the information by the admiral). It was said that they fell in love over poetry since Louisa was laid up so many weeks and Benwick kept her entertained with Scott and Byron’s poetry which got them past their night and day differences. Admiral Croft and Anne walked off with him telling her that Louisa marrying somebody else did not sadden Wentworth and Wentworth was better off for it and now single and available (for Anne). Anne, Elizabeth and Mrs. Clay sat and had tea and pastries at Molland’s while waiting for Elliot to return as it rained outside. There was only room in the coach for two, so hoity toity sister Elizabeth decided she and Mrs. Clay would ride in the coach while cousin Elliot would escort Anne home in the rain on foot. Anne spotted Wentworth walking by and excused herself to speak to him, and he offered her his umbrella to walk in the rain but cousin Elliot then arrived to escort Anne with his own umbrella and it caused friction and disappointment between Anne and Captain Wentworth because they were happy to be reunited conversation again after such a long period of being apart. At an opera concert, Wentworth showed up and told Anne about Louisa and Benwick and explained that Benwick loved his fiancée extremely and was vulnerable and still recovering from her death and Wentworth wasn’t sure about how happy the match would be but wished them best anyway. Wentworth tried to tell Anne that nobody recovered entirely from the death or absence of someone they truly loved as Benwick did his girlfriend, and Wentworth certainly couldn’t recover either and he tried to tell Anne that his feelings for Anne hadn’t changed but then they were interrupted by Lady Dalrymple’s arrived so Anne bowed down to her while Wentworth made a quick exit. Wentworth left to attend his naval seminar, but before he did Anne had told him that she would love to travel and see the world and made it clear to Wentworth that she was free to do so because she didn’t feel obligated to a family that treated her so badly the majority of the time. Sir Walter fell asleep during the opera and as cousin Elliot was flattering Anne to no end, Wentworth stood in the corner by himself. Sir Walter now awake, and Lady Dalrymple spotted Wentworth and then discussed the Captain whose sister was married to a tenant of Sir Walter’s in Somersetshire. Cousin Elliot wanted Anne to get his “love” meaning, but she jumped up and ran after Wentworth who was trying to leave hurriedly. She wanted to know why he was leaving so soon, but Elliot jumped up and asked Anne to explain the Italian again and interrupted her from speaking to Wentworth. Anne tried to convince Wentworth to stay because the next song was a beautiful love song, and he replied there was nothing worth him staying for and left her with Elliot. The next morning, Mary and Charles arrived in Bath without their children and the news came from Mary that Henrietta and Louisa were going to have a double wedding. As Mrs. Musgrove and the ladies picked out ribbons for their wedding dresses, in walked Charles, Wentworth and Captain Harville, and Charles said they had tickets to the theater. Anne backed out because she said he had to attend an evening party at Camden Place to which they were all invited as well. Anne was talking to Wentworth about how people who threw parties considered the theater beneath them. Mary called her sister over to the window and told Anne that cousin Elliot and Mrs. Clay were talking on the street, and Anne didn’t believe her because cousin Elliot had told Anne earlier that he would be out of town for two days. Sure enough, Mrs. Clay and cousin Elliot had a secret rendezvous. Wentworth left. Lady Russell and Anne then had a disagreement because Lady Russell was throwing Anne into a position she did not want to be in because she was not taking the place of her mother at the estate because she didn’t have feelings for cousin Elliot who was a sham and disguised himself in the presence of herself with his good manners but no feelings so he was like a robot and Anne didn’t want to be hitched to his lifetime of shadiness. The two women were interrupted by a man in a wig telling Anne that somebody from the Navy wanted to discuss with her Kellynch Hall in Somerset. Anne believed it was the Admiral, so she excused herself from Lady Russell. It turned out to be Wentworth who explained to Anne that Admiral Croft told Wentworth to tell Anne that he had heard through the grapevine that Anne and cousin Elliot were supposed to be married, and if that was the case and she wished to do so, then the admiral and his wife would cancel their lease and move elsewhere so Anne and Elliot could live at Kellynch Hall. Before Anne could give an answer, Lady Russell appeared and Anne left in a rush. Lady Russell told Wentworth that he had an extraordinary ability to confuse Anne. He replied that Lady Russell herself had the extraordinary ability to influence Anne (in a bad way) and he wouldn’t forgive her for it. Anne went to see her friend, Mrs. Smith, and Nurse Rooke and told them that she had no desire whatsoever to marry her cousin Elliot even though the whole town thought otherwise. They were relieved to hear Anne’s answer of no and went on to tell her the gossip they heard about cousin Elliot through Nurse Rooke’s connections and that he required yet another loan. Anne was surprised because she thought Elliot was rich, but it turned out he lost all his money. Mrs. Smith added that Elliot’s style of life was a sham and he lived on borrowed money, and Anne was shocked to hear that cousin Elliot gave her compliments because he wanted the title and the land to her father’s estate. They explained cousin Elliot heard of Anne’s sister’s (Elizabeth) friend, Mrs. Clay, (who was hoping to become the next Lady Elliot) and she wanted to provide Sir Walter with a son for an heir. So if cousin Elliot married Anne, he gained some footing in the family and exerted his influence on Sir Walter and kept his inheritance. Mrs. Musgrove and Mrs. Croft were in the room when Anne returned, along with Wentworth and Harville, so Anne took a seat and listened to the ladies chattering their idol gossip about it being abominate for young people to have long engagements. Anne and Harville had a battle of witty conversation about love that had Wentworth spilling his ink container listening in as he wrote a letter. The conversation ended with Anne telling Harville that she believed him capable of everything great and good, so long as the woman that he loved lived for him. Anne believed her female sex over men loved the longest when all hope was gone.Harville, Wentworth and Mrs. Croft departed then. However, and on purpose, Wentwroth rushed back inside the room and told Mrs. Musgrove (looking out the window wondering when the others were coming back) that he forgot his umbrella when really he had a note for Anne and silently made eye contact with her and then pointed at the letter he had just left on the desk for Anne. Wentworth then left quickly to catch up with the others. In his writing, Wentworth told Anne that he was offering his heart and more to her as he had done eight years prior and told her not to dare say that men forgot love sooner than women because he wouldn’t and didn’t want to live without the love he had for her. Wentworth went on to say that Anne’s presence in Bath brought him there and for her alone he thought and planned. He added that a word from Anne would decide whether he entered her father’s house that evening or never at all and he waited for her response. In walked all of the shoppers then and Anne hid her letter and left in a rush telling them she was a bit ill and would go rest to be ready for the evening gathering. Mrs. Musgrove sent Charles after Anne to escort her home safely, and as they exited the building Anne told Charles to make certain Captains Harville and Wentworth attended the party that evening. She rounded the corner and Wentworth was there, and Charles said he wanted to go to the gunsmith and didn’t want to escort Anne home so Wentworth said he would. Once Charles was gone, in the middle of the street Anne and Wentworth held hands and he told her he tried to forget her but he didn’t succeed. The two kissed on the spot as the circus clowns went through town the parade of socialites. Captain Wentworth and Anne went in the opposite direction of the chaotic crowd and walked alone along on the street happily together. At the evening party, jealous Elizabeth told her sister Anne when she arrived not to monopolize Wentworth since that was a very bad habit of Anne’s. Anne walked around the table with people playing cards and she listened in as Admiral Croft said Napoleon raised another army and there might be another war. Anne sat down next to Lady Russell, who told her that there was no going back once she made a decision, and at Anne’s age Lady Russell decided to marry and she was still married till she died and hoped the same for Anne. The conversation was then interrupted because Elliot came over and tapped Anne’s shoulder to speak to her privately. Cousin Elliot asked her if she accepted his offer, and she had no idea what he offered her because he was just full of hot air. Captains Harville and Wentworth came into the room on business then.  Wentworth announced that he and Anne were getting married and he wanted Sir Walter’s approval. Anne’s dimwitted dad didn’t understand why Wentworth wanted to marry Anne, and cousin Elliot and Mrs. Clay glared on. In the end, Anne was seen with Captain Wentworth on his ship with his crewmen, and they set sail into the vast blue waters to an unknown destination. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Georgia Brown, The Village Voice, “A fairy tale for adults! A splendid motion picture!” Siskel & Ebert, “Two thumbs up.” Time Magazine, “The best picture of the year.” Daphne Davis, Movies & Videos, “…takes your breathe away! A dazzling five-star feast. If you adored ‘A Room With A View’…then you’ll cherish Persuasion.” The movie grossed over $5 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/21/23

TITLE: Boxtrolls 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014 Universal Pictures / Focus Features / Laika

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie (with all characters speaking with British accents) takes place in the town of Cheesebridge and began with Archibald Penelope Snatcher, the town exterminator, informing Lord Charles Portley-Rind, the leader of the White Hats, that the Trubshaw baby was just kidnapped by the Boxtrolls, a group of all-male, box-wearing, bug-eating, Trollese-speaking creatures who lived in a cavern under the city. Snatcher told Charles that he wouldn’t exterminate the Boxtrolls if he were to receive a White Hat so he could have a seat in the cheese Tasting Room (with the other noble gentlemen) and be called a king and bowed down to. Charles only agreed to the deal that allowed Snatcher to destroy all the Boxtrolls in Cheesebridge in exchange for a White Hat after Snatcher mentioned that otherwise the Boxtrolls would continue to attack and eat people, destroy things, and go after the town’s cheese supply (and Charles wouldn’t stand for that because he was obsessed with cheese). For the next ten years, the Boxtroll named Fish raised the human Trubshaw baby to be a Boxtroll and named the human male baby Eggs. By the time Eggs was eleven years old, Snatcher had exterminated the majority of the Boxtrolls. Human 10-year-old Winifred “Winnie,” the daughter of Lord Charles and Lady Cynthia, was angry that her dad refused to listen to her when she said she saw Boxtrolls outside and was afraid they would eat her. He just wanted to get back to his cheese tasting session with the other White Hats, so when he gave Winnie his White Hat to wash she threw it out into the street. Lil’ Winnie went outside (past the nightly curfew that Snatcher had assigned to the humans to prevent attacks by Boxtrolls) and spotted Eggs, and even though he was wearing a box she was convinced he was a boy and not a Boxtroll. Snatcher escorted Winnie into the house, where Charles was just relieved to have his hat back and wasn’t concerned at all about Winnie and told her to go to bed. Snatcher’s henchmen, Gristle, Trout and Pickles, went after the Boxtrolls and Fish was captured. Eggs decided to go find Fish, so he took off his box and put on human clothes so he could blend in with the crowd aboveground who were celebrating the Trubshaw Baby Remembrance Day. Winnie volunteered to be the Trubshaw baby in a play put on by Madame Frou Frou (actually male Snatcher dressed up as a woman) from Crackerslovakia. The townspeople agreed that the Boxtrolls should all be killed so they could never snatch another child again. Eggs followed Winnie after the performance, and she confronted him and learned that he was the boy she saw the previous night. She asked him a bunch of questions, and he was overwhelmed so he bit her on the arm. He corrected her that the Boxtrolls did not eat babies, and the underground home was not filled with mountains of bones and rivers of blood.Winnie was clearly disappointed but gave Eggs directions to find the Exterminators. In the Exterminator factory, Snatcher decided to have a cheese-tasting session knowing that his entire face and body would swell up (allergic reaction) into a hideous sight as a result. He then went insane and turned on his own employees until Gristle threw a bunch of leeches on him to fix his swellings. As Eggs broke into the factory and helped Fish escape, he discovered that the Exterminators did not kill any of the Boxtrolls, but in fact forced them to work inside the factory building a large machine. Snatcher’s henchmen went after Eggs, and Winnie appeared and overheard them calling Eggs the Trubshaw baby and realized the baby was still alive and older. They tried to take Winnie hostage so she couldn’t tell her dad, but Eggs rescued her by taking her underground where she pointed out all the differences between Eggs and the Boxtrolls and told him he was a human boy. The Boxtrolls agreed, and Fish explained that Herbert Trubshaw, Eggs’ biological dad, was the only person in town who understood the Boxtrolls were not monsters but builders like himself, and friends with them. Snatcher wanted Herbert to build something for him, and Herbert refused and trusted the Boxtrolls to take his son to safety before Snatcher and the Exterminators killed Herbert. Eggs asked Winnie for her help, and she agreed and they planned to tell Charles what really happened so he would stop Snatcher. Winnie wanted everything just so and her way, so she took the box off from Eggs and gathered things from the Boxtrolls that she used to dress Eggs so he could wear the clothes of a proper boy. Winnie tried to teach Eggs how to have slightly better manners (like not scratching his privates in public), but he ate bugs and stuffed his face with food from the buffet at the party Charles and Cynthia were hosting at their house. Charles unveiled the Briehemoth, a huge wheel a cheese, which he and his White Hat members decided to spend their fundraising money on instead of a children’s hospital. Male Snatcher, dressed as female Madame Frou-Frou, snatched Eggs and took him into a closet to tell him that Snatcher planned to kill all the Boxtrolls that night and then he would be the most respected man in Cheesebridge. Snatcher was about to choke Eggs out, but he was interrupted and brought back to the party to dance with some men (who thought he was the Madame). Snatcher went after Eggs and grabbed him as he went to speak to Charles, and Eggs ended up knocking the Briehemoth down the stairs and out the door into the river. Eggs announced that he was the Trubhsaw baby and the Boxtrolls were not monsters, and even though Winnie backed him up Charles refused to believe it and told Eggs he never wanted to see him again. Eggs even ripped off Snatcher’s female wig to reveal his true identity, but everyone still thought he was a woman. Eggs returned to the cavern upset and told the Boxtrolls they needed to leave before Snatcher came after them, but then Snatcher broke into the cavern using the giant machine that his Boxtroll slaves built and captured Eggs and the remaining Boxtrolls. Human Eggs was put in a cage and learned that Snatcher did not kill Herbert, but instead chained him upside down for a decade so he went insane but still managed to design that machine. The Boxtrolls hid and didn’t want to stand up for themselves, and Eggs tried to convince them to get up and fight but they wouldn’t so they were crushed under Snatcher’s machine. Snatcher went through town on his machine and told everyone that the curfew was lifted and they were safe to walk the streets at night because the Boxtrolls were all destroyed. Snatcher demanded to have Charles’s White Hat, and the townspeople agreed so Lord Charles said Snatcher could have his hat once the last Boxtroll was dead. Eggs had a Boxtroll costume piece on his head that Snatcher put there so he wouldn’t get in trouble for killing a human boy. When Eggs was about to be lowered into the fire, Herbert and all the Boxtrolls (who escaped out of their boxes arrived just in time, so only the boxes were crushed. However, the boxtrolls now naked with their bare troll butts showing, and then attacked the Exterminators. All the townspeople realized that male Snatcher lied to everyone and that he was faker female Madame Frou Frou. Lord Charles said he regretted so much. Everyone distracted Snatcher by tossing Charles’ White Hat around, and Eggs climbed up onto the machine and shut it off. The machine exploded, but then Snatcher grabbed Winnie and refused to let her go. He put Charles’ hat on his head and forced Charles, Eggs and Fish to sit at the table in the Tasting Room while Snatcher, already with his body swollen, prepared to eat more cheese. Eggs told Snatcher not to eat that cheese because it wouldn’t make him a better person, but he ate it anyway and exploded. With Snatcher gone, the Boxtrolls and humans now lived peacefully alongside each other in Cheesebridge aboveground. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Richard Corliss, TIME “The Boxtrolls is a delight!” / Kristy Puchko, Cinema Blend “A superb movie for the whole family!” / Brian Truitt, USA Today “A delectable treat!” This movie had a budget of $60 million and grossed over $108 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/20/23

TITLE: Mulan 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2020 Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures / Jason T. Reed Productions / Good Fear Production

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie took place in China. The main character was Mulan, the eldest daughter of Hua Zhou (an Imperial Army veteran). Mulan practiced wielding her chi (Chinese life force). Zhou refused to tell Mulan that only a son could wield chi, but a daughter who did so would risk shame, dishonor and exile. In the village, young Mulan wreaked havoc by chasing a chicken across the high rooftop, and then the shingles ended up breaking loose under Mulan’s feet but she caught herself with her pole, landed on her feet many stories down, and then caught the pole in her hand afterward. Later that night, Mulan tormented her younger sister Xiu by telling her there was a spider in her hair when there wasn’t because Xiu was afraid of spiders. The girls overheard their parents discussing Mulan’s behavior that day, and their mother Li wasn’t happy about that or her husband making excuses for Mulan. Li was worried about people calling Mulan a witch, and she was worried that the Matchmaker would not be able to find a good husband for Mulan as she would for well-behaved Xiu. Zhou spoke with Mulan and told her that her chi was strong, but it was for warriors, not daughters. He advised her to hide her gift away and silence its voice, and he said it was his job to protect Mulan and her job to bring honor to the family. In the Imperial City in Central China, the emperor was informed that six of the Imperial Army garrisons along the Silk Road in Northwest China were attacked by the Rourans, led by Böri Khan and aided by the powerful hawk shape-shifting witch Xianniang who ensured the battle success of the shadow warriors. The only survivor of the Rouran attacks was one soldier, and because it was actually Xianniang shape-shifted into that form, she overheard the Emperer’s decree that they would build an army to destroy the Rourans and every family would be required to supply one man. Xianniang shape-shifted into her usual form of Böri Khan’s hawk and informed him of the plan, and he replied that he planned to attack all the garrisons and then take the Imperial City and kill the emperor himself. He reminded Xianniang, his slave, that she would not get what she wanted without him because she was an exiled, scorned dog when he found her and she would only have a home once Khan sat upon the throne. Years later when Mulan was in her late teens, she was informed by her family that the Matchmaker found a husband for her, and she agreed that it would be best for the family to marry that man. Li dressed up both her daughters with powdered faces (like England) to visit Madame Matchmaker and learn the qualities of a good wife. However, while Mulan practiced serving tea, a spider crawled across the table and Mulan tried to trap it under the teapot, but the Matchmaker told her to put the teapot back where it was and Mulan did so. The spider kept crawling across the table and Xiu screamed, and that led to chaos with the table being upturned and the tea set shattering to pieces on the floor. The Matchmaker announced that the Hua family failed to raise a good daughter, and then the Magistrate appeared and summoned a man from every family. Because he had no son, Zhou agreed that he would fight even though he was crippled from serving in the Imperial Army long ago and could barely stand without his leg brace. At the dinner table, Li suggested that Zhou not comply with the Imperial edict because he was in no condition to fight, and when Mulan tried to speak up Zhou got violent and slammed his fist down on the table saying he was the father and it was his place to bring honor to his family on the battlefield, and she was the daughter and she needed to learn her place. Li told her daughters they must be strong because this time Zhou would not return. Later that night, Mulan donned soldier clothing, took the family sword and left to fight in her father’s place. The next morning, Zhou discovered that his sword was gone and knew what Mulan did because she left her hairpin where the conscription scroll was. Li told Zhou he needed to stop Mulan because the Northern Invaders would kill her, and he replied that he could do nothing because their own people would kill Mulan if he exposed her. When Mulan and her horse, Black Wind, were lost on the way to the Imperial Army regiment, the Phoenix, the symbol of their ancestors, appeared and guided them to their destination. Mulan tied up her long hair and wrapped her chest to look like a boy, and she joined the Fifth Battalion under the male name Hua Jun. The soldiers were trained to be fighting machines, and one of the recruits named Chen Hong-Hui told Mulan that even though she didn’t want to be friends with him, she couldn’t turn her back on her fellow soldiers. Commander Tung Yong later met with Mulan (Jun) and told her that he knew her father, so he could understand that his legacy was holding her back and making her hide her chi. Once their training was complete, the soldiers became loyal, brave and true men, and Tung told Mulan that he looked forward to her telling her father the news that Tung wanted to take Mulan to his village one day to meet his daughter and the village Matchmaker, and Mulan said it would be her honor (Tung’s female daughter and female Mulan married). The Fifth Battalion moved out and not at the Mountain-Steppe Garrison for long before they planned to leave at first light because the Rourans were right behind them. During the first confrontation between the Fifth Battalion and the Rourans, the cavalrymen chased after them and all were shot by arrows, except for Mulan. Mulan kept following them, but then Xianniang knocked her off Black Wind. They got into a confrontation and Mulan refused to say her real name, so Xianniang attacked her saying she would die being someone she was not. Hua Jun did die because that identity was a lie, but Mulan lived. She took her hair down and galloped into the ongoing battle, where she defeated many Rourans easily and they retreated thinking Mulan was a witch. The Rourans shot fiery cannons at the soldiers to kill large groups of them at once, and then they fired a cannon at the snowy mountain and it started an avalanche. Honghui was buried under the snow trying to save another soldier, so Mulan and Black Wind rescued him. Mulan then revealed to her battalion who she really was, and Tung announced that she betrayed the regiment and disgraced her family and the punishment assigned to the imposter was expulsion from the Imperial Army. Mulan was informed that if she ever showed her face again, she would be executed because she said she would prefer that to expulsion. While Mulan was alone, Xianniang appeared and said she lived a life of exile with no country, no village, and no family when she wanted to be noble. She told Mulan they were the same because the more power Xianniang showed, the more she was crushed and the soldiers turned on Mulan after she saved them. Xianniang tried to convince Mulan to join her so they could their place together, and she refused so Xianniang told Mulan that Khan was going to take the Imperial City and dethrone the Emperor. Mulan replied that she knew her place and it was her duty to fight for the kingdom and protect the emperor. Mulan risked death by going back to the Fifth Battalion and told them that the garrison attacks were a distraction so the army would be focused on the Silk Road and Khan could sneak into the Imperial City and kill the emperor. When the army officials refused to believe Mulan, Hong-Hui and the others spoke up and said they believed Hua Mulan just like they believed Hua Jun, and they thought she was the best warrior among them and braver than any man there. Tung told Mulan that despite the disgrace and dishonor she brought to everyone, her loyalty and bravery were without question so she would lead their small group as they marched to the Imperial City. The emperor was informed that the Rourans infiltrated the city and Khan was offering a duel at the New Palace. The emperor said his people had suffered long enough and it was time for him to act, and he planned to kill this Khan with his own hands like he killed Khan’s father, the first Böri Khan. The small Imperial regiment was ambushed by the ninja Rourans upon arrival, and the soldiers fought the Rourans while Mulan went to the palace to protect the emperor. However, when Mulan arrived Xianniang was there and said it was impossible for a woman to lead a man’s army. Mulan convinced Xianniang that it wasn’t too late for her to take the noble path and help Mulan, so Xianniang took hawk form and went to the New Palace. It was there she told Khan, who captured the emperor and was about to burn him along with the palace that was under construction, that a woman led the army and she was no scorned dog like Xianniang. Khan shot an arrow at Mulan, but Xianniang, as a hawk, took the arrow for Mulan and landed in Mulan’s arms on the ground in her witch form. She told Mulan to take her place as a warrior, and then Xianniang died. Mulan fought Khan one-on-one, and when she lost her sword the emperor told her to rise up like the phoenix so her tactic changed to hand-to-hand combat until she got ahold of Khan’s sword and cut the rope holding the plank they were standing on. Khan fell far down and Mulan grabbed the rope, and as she was untying the emperor, Khan fired an arrow but the emperor caught it. Mulan kicked the arrow back down, where it landed in Khan’s chest and killed him. There was a celebration at the palace, and the emperor tried to offer Mulan a place with their greatest decorated warriors as an officer in the Emperor’s Guard as gratitude for her service. Mulan replied that she was honored by the invitation, but she refused and explained that she betrayed her family’s trust and did things to bring dishonor to them. Since then Mulan had pledged an oath to be loyal, brave, and true (the three virtues that were engraved on Zhou’s sword), and she would return home and make amends with her family. The emperor agreed that devotion to family was an essential virtue, and Mulan and Honghui said a quick goodbye. Back in the village, Li and Xiu (who was soon to be married to the man the Matchmaker found for her) were very happy to see Mulan, and she told Zhou that she stole many things from him (including the sword which was now gone) and asked for his forgiveness. Zhou said he should be the one apologizing because his pride drove Mulan away but now he saw her for the first time. Commander Tung then appeared and gave Mulan a gift, which was another sword with the virtues loyal, brave, true, and “Devotion to family,” engraved on it. Tung told Mulan that the country was in debt to her and she brought honor to her ancestors, her family, her village and her country. Mulan was again given the invitation again to be an officer in the Emperor’s Guard, and this time she accepted so the girl became a soldier, the soldier became a leader, and the leader became a legend. This movie had a budget of $200 million and grossed $70 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/19/23

TITLE: Shredderman Rules 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2007 A Nickelodeon Original Movie / Sony Pictures / Dolphin Entertainment / Wild Rice Productions / Viacom International 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: The main character of this movie, Nolan Byrd, attended Cedar Valley Junior High, where he was constantly bullied by Alvin (Bubba) Bixby…the T-rex of Nolan’s world. Bubba called Nolan “Byrd Turd,” like the derogatory nicknames he used for the other students he bullied. Nolan’s parents wanted their son to meet with the questionable female principal, Dr. Sheila Voss about the bullying issue. Dr. Principal Sheila Voss told Nolan that there were lots of “rambunctious,” like Bubba in the world and learning to deal with bullying was all part of growing up (because the principal had other connections to the bullies and the bully families) and that Nolan should be thanking Bubba (this as Nolan was doctoring the nosebleed that Bubba gave him). Nolan’s best friend, Max Smith, figured that being a bully right alongside Bubba was better than being bullied by Bubba (so the ungodly Dr. Principal forced the student to become another bully verses teaching the real bully student to behave and not be criminal minded). Emerald Pond was the only place where Nolan could escape bully Bubba. Nolan enjoyed piloting three remote-controlled vehicles at once (until he crashed one of his planes into the Porta-Potty and the plane exploded). Nolan moped around the house and told his parents that having the bubonic plague would be nice, and when they suggested that Nolan hang out with Max he replied that Max went to the dark side. Dad reminded Nolan that he still had the videotape of Nolan and Max at five years old saying the two boys loved each other and were going to get married. Mr. Green gave his class a multimedia project assignment to write about something important to them, and it was then that Nolan realized he could make a change and blasted music in his room as he put together a small camera and hid it in his backpack strap. Mom called up to Nolan asking him what he was doing, and he replied nothing but then quickly backtracked because that was the worst answer you could give a parent and said that he was adjusting the electrodes in his guinea pig Diego’s head so he could speak German. In class, bully Bubba snuck up behind a girl (who he called Man-Hands Miriam) and snipped off a lock of her hair with scissors (the school principal as well as the teachers supported this crazy and irreversibly damaging behavior and deemed it acceptance). Nolan put his backpack on the floor and pointed the camera at bully student Bubba, and then he rushed out of the room to see if he got that on tape but the camera lens was pointing at student Bubba’s butt crack as his pants did not fit well. From then on, Nolan used the camera to catch all of Bubba’s bullying in the act, and Nolan came up with the name Shredderman to put on his report. Grandma lived with Nolan’s family, and he asked her if he could borrow her credit card to buy some things online and then pay her back because he was doing a school project that he wanted to be a surprise for his parents. Grandma said that was fine as long as it was a safe site he was using. Nolan then recorded his voice and changed it to sound robotic (the voice of Shredderman). He made up a song which went along with the video footage of Bubba, and thenk student Nolan invented a website called ShreddermanRules.com. Nolan then climbed up onto the school roof and threw down flyers with the website name on them (all because the bully was not handled by the school officials as they are paid to do). The kids logged onto the site the first chance they got and were able to relate to the Bubba bullying situation, and they also liked playing the Whack-A-Bubba game with Shredderman (Nolan’s alter ego) defeating Bubba. When Principal Voss learned about the website, she disconnected the Internet and announced that the kids couldn’t use electronics for the rest of the day (why was the principal getting involved now and only when the bully was being attacked, possibly relative or child or school board parent or child of large donor to school?). All the kids were happy that Bubba was busted and said it was because Shredderman ruled. Nolan also caught on his camera he used inside school other things like what some of the teachers and other school employees were doing, and that included a cook clipping his toenails in the food and picking his nose, a teacher determining his students’ grades by using a dartboard and marking their grade based off whatever letter the dart landed on, and the PE teacher lounging under an umbrella and forcing the students to run dozens of laps. After Bubba stole Nolan’s jet pen, Nolan stowed away in Bubba’s dad Bob’s Royal Flush sewage truck. Nolan overheard Bob telling Bubba that he offered to rebuild the old water reclamation plant by Emerald Pond and beautify the surrounding parkland, when in fact it was just a phony eco-mission. After Bob got the support of the town and signed the contract, Bob would use the pond for his own advantage and build a sewage dynasty so people would think of crap whenever they heard the name Bixby. Bob put a sticker on the barrel in his truck identifying it as property of Gary’s septic, and then he released the barrel into the pond so Gary would be blamed for illegally dumping it there and Bob would be guaranteed to get the contract. Bubba was suspended from school for two days after the Shredderman Rules site was reviewed, and Mr. Green told Nolan that the teachers were supposed to turn in the names of the students who missed lunch period, and Nolan was one of those students but Mr. Green didn’t turn in his name because he figured out that Nolan was Shredderman and the rogue teacher decided to protect Nolan on his own. Bob then showed up because he wasn’t happy about the accusations that were made about him and posted on the Shredderman website (by Nolan). Bob (the bully’s parent) told Principal Voss to unmask the Shredderman whatever it took, and then Dr. Voss made an announcement that all students’ lockers would be searched. Before the principal and Bob could search Nolan’s locker, Mr. Green interrupted so Bob wanted to see him in the principal’s office. The students thought the locker searching was violation of their privacy. While Principal Voss and Bob were in her office discussing how they planned to go to Florida when it was all over, there was a new post on ShreddermanRules stating that in 1997, Bob lost his license to do business in three states after his Wonder Vitamins were proven to be gel caps stuffed with dirt. In 1985, Dr. Principal Sheila Voss was asked to quit her cheerleading team because her cheers came out the wrong end in the form of farts. Principal Voss was infuriated by that so she confiscated all the sports equipment in the school, turned off the handicap elevator, and changed all the cafeteria food to broccoli everything. Because Mr. Green was put on administrative leave, the field trip to Emerald Pond that he had planned for his students was also canceled. Isabel Lopez, Nolan’s long-time crush, was disappointed that Shredderman got Mr. Green into trouble, and the other kids felt the same way and messages (comments) were sent to ShreddermanRules via the website saying that Shredderman was a loser and didn’t rule anymore. Nolan told Mom that he was feeling very ill, and she agreed to let him stay home for the entire week and his mom didn’t know he was faking a cold or anything about his undercover guise on the Internet. The Shredderman website was banned from school, and a video was shown to everyone which made them think that Shreddman felt betrayed by all of them. It was in fact bully Bubba who came up with that video, and then he ruined paintings in art class and deflated bike tires leaving notes with, “Shredderman Was Here,” written in cut-out letters like a psychotic ransom note. Bubba also stole Isabel’s guinea pig Claudette and left a note saying that Shredderman liked guinea pigs medium rare. Isabel told Nolan that Shredderman went from pond protector to guinea pig thief, and Nolan replied that Shredderman was probably being set up because he would do something like that and he would return. Nolan then got an idea and took home Bubba’s backpack (and Bubba took Nolan’s because they looked similar) and attacked his camera to it, and then he went to Bubba’s house and they swapped backpacks so now bully Bubba’s backpack had a camera on it inside Bubba’s house. The camera recorded Bob telling Bubba that he was going to sue the people making accusations against him for libel, and Bob admitted that the studies on the pond he had done were fixed and the Bixbys would be on their way to the Florida by the time the town council figured out that when dead animals showed up in Emerald Pond after building his reclamation plant. Bob called his buddy Sergeant Klubb at the police station and wanted him to help take down the Shredderman website. Nolan went to Max’s house and threatened to release the video of Max proposing to Nolan to the whole school if Max didn’t help Nolan get Claudette back. Max took Nolan to the pet store where Bubba had taken Claudette, and Nolan told the cashier that Claudette was someone else’s pet and Nolan would report the man if he sold the guinea pig, so he agreed to let Nolan take Claudette for free. Nolan had a nightmare where Bob sprayed what looked like green diarrhea all over Nolan in his bed. Nolan returned Claudette to her tank at school without anybody seeing him, and Nolan retrieved the camera from Bubba’s backpack and uploaded the audio to his website. Isabel and the other kids decided to have a protest at Bixby’s groundbreaking ceremony, and then they discovered that Bob got the police and school to shut down the site so no one heard Bixby’s plan. At the ceremony, the kids protested to “flush the plan,” and before Bob and Mayor Izzo could sign the contract, Nolan flew a remote-control operated toy plane overhead with a banner that said not to let Bixby kill the pond. Nolan was also controlling a toy boat out on the pond, which played the recording of what Bob said about his real plans for the pond. However, Principal Voss then spotted Nolan sitting in a tree controlling the planes, so Nolan (as Shredderman) sent Isabel a text message telling her to use her kite to stop the Principal who grabbed the hose filled with septic tank additive off Bob’s truck. Isabel wrapped the kite strings around Principal Voss’s legs to trip her, and she ended up spraying the septic stuff all over herself instead of Nolan. Mayor Izzo ripped up the contract and the deal was no more. Nolan’s dad who worked for the newspaper wrote an article about what Bixby did, and his boss thought it was so good he was sending Nolan’s dad to London to cover the G8 summit. Bob was assigned to community service picking up trash outside the school, Principal Voss was asked to take an early, unpaid sabbatical, and Bubba was still the same old bully Bubba. Nolan chose not to reveal his secret identity, and Isabel was excited to tell him that Claudette was pregnant. She didn’t know how it happened, but Nolan did because he put Claudette in the cage with his guinea pig Diego before returning Claudette to Isabel. Nolan said it must have been a miracle, and then Isabel mentioned how Shredderman seemed to care about all the same things Nolan did and it was funny how he and Shredderman were never around at the same time. She was piecing it together they were the same person, so Nolan quickly asked Isabel if she wanted to hang out at the pond the following day on a date and she agreed. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/18/23

TITLE: The Duff 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2015 Lionsgate /CBS Films / Wonderland Sound and Vision / Vast Entertainment

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place at Malloy High School, home of the Blue Devils, burbs of Atlanta, Georgia one month before the senior homecoming. The boys drooled over Jess Harris (fashion designer and Zen Buddhist) and Casey Cordero (soccer player and computer hacker) as they walked down the hall.  Some teen males discussed the girls’ hot butts and breasts and having sex with them, and they paid no attention to Jess and Casey’s friend, Bianca Piper (cult movie fanatic and honor roll student). Madison Morgan (aggressive bit**) was the hottest and most popular girl in school, and even the gay guys wanted to be with her and said they would bang the sh** out of her but they wouldn’t like it. Mr. Arthur, the newsroom teacher, assigned Bianca to write an article about what homecoming meant to her. Bianca wasn’t thrilled because she didn’t have a date for it, and Jess started looking for her but Toby Tucker (Bianca’s future baby daddy and amazeballs) was the only person she wanted to go with even though she couldn’t work up the courage to talk to him. Madison’s boyfriend, Wesley Rush (football captain, man-whore and Bianca’s next door neighbor), went over to talk to Bianca, and she told him that he wouldn’t be in her life if he were the last man on the planet. Madison rushed over and made out with Wes in front of Bianca, and Madison and Wes were known as the “Relationship Strobe Light,” because they had been on and off so many times. Madison walked away saying Wes was her ex-boyfriend, and Jess and Casey helped Bianca pick out an outfit for the party that Madison invited them to (after they made a compromise for Bianca to use part of Casey’s invitation because Madison didn’t give Bianca one). Bianca’s mom Dottie was upset about her divorce, so she rode over her ex-husband’s clothes with a lawn mower in the backward. Divine inspiration came when Dottie was watching The Simpsons, and she became an occasional mom and started writing books about the Five Stages of different things for the 40-and-over self-help crowd and hosting seminars using the five stages (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance) which she copied from the Simpsons. Dottie told the girls that if they wanted to knock the boys out, they should project boldness with a power pantsuit combo, and Bianca replied that if she did that she would look like Hillary Clinton. Bianca refused to borrow any of her friends’ clothes and instead wore her usual “Lucky Party Shirt,” and red flannel button-up. The teen girlfriends went to the party at Madison’s house, which was an underage party with red Solo cups, sexual happenings and no parents. Madison believed she was the next star and her life was an audition for reality TV, so her girlfriend Caitlyn videotaped everything, including a conversation Madison tried to have with Wes but he didn’t want to be filmed. Madison told him that she wasn’t dating him because she could be dating college guys, famous people or 30-year-olds. Wes then approached Bianca and asked about her friends telling her it was her job to give him info because she was their DUFF (Designated Ugly Fat Friend). He explained that every group had one, and the DUFF was the person who wasn’t good-looking and therefore made their friends look better, and they were also the one who was approachable and easy to talk to because no one was trying to get into their pants. Bianca was in total shock and could do nothing more than stare blankly at Wes, and then he compared the daily number of questions guys asked about Bianca (none) to the number of questions they asked about her friends (many). Bianca threw her drink on Wes and stormed off. At home, Bianca Googled “DUFF,” on her Apple laptop and saw some Political DUFFs (Obama laughing at something that someone looking like Chris Christie (the DUFF) said in their private conversation and the pair being chummy), and the Tyrannical DUFFs (Dennis Rodman with Kim Jong-Un, DUFF), and the furry DUFFs (one skinny pug and one fat pug dog). Also appearing at the top of her search screen were Twitter, DUFF Video Game, and Instagram photos concerning the DUFF and when she clicked on the Duff video game an overweight troll appeared protecting her cartoon girlfriends that looked almost like anime boys in the faces. At school the next day in science class, Bianca mixed chemicals and called Wes a dick face because she didn’t like him calling her a DUFF. He said that being a DUFF didn’t mean you’re ugly and fat because look at Tony Romo, who was a Dallas Cowboy and he didn’t ride a horse. Bianca realized that her friendship with Jess and Casey was a sham and they made her into a DUFF, and that made her mad so she confronted them in the library and they said they didn’t even know what a DUFF was and they weren’t using Bianca to make themselves more popular. That led to a battle where the girls blocked and unfriended each other on Instagram, Twitter, We Heart It, Vine, Tumblr, and Snapchat. Bianca walked away telling the whores not to look at her Pinterest, and then she started seeing the DUFF in every group and realized that the reason she could never talk to Toby was because he knew she was a DUFF and subconsciously she knew it too. Wes got several F’s in a row in Mr. Fillmore’s science class, so he, Coach Grant, and Principal Buchanan agreed that Wes would be suspended from the football team and possibly lose his football scholarship unless his grades improved. Bianca called Wes an honest dip-sh** for being the only person in school who told her what was going on, so she made a deal with if he helped make her dateable so she could go out with Toby, she would help him pass his science class. Wes took Bianca to the mall to get a proper-fitting bra and try on a bunch of clothes. When Bianca discovered that Wes was filming her as review footage to see what she looked like when she wasn’t overthinking things and was actually having fun, she threatened to rip his nut sack off if he ever showed it to anyone. Little did they know, Caitlyn was also filming Bianca as she did sexy moves in the store clothes she tried on. Wes encouraged her to pretend a mannequin was Toby, so she broke the arm off the mannequin and said sexual things to him in a whiny voice using the mannequin hand belonging to “Toby,” to grope her breast. She told him that was inappropriate but didn’t feel bad, and when the mannequin fell over, Bianca and Wes then went to the mall cafeteria. He told her to go talk to an adult man sitting at a table nearby, and she asked him if he had a wiener in his mouth (as he ate a hot dog) and then wanted to know if he was interested in dating her. He said no and asked were the cameras were because he was convinced this was a YouTube video. Wes challenged Bianca to talk to fifteen guys at the mall, and she managed to get the number of Allen who worked at the mall yogurt place and they hit it off instantly. Bianca gave Wes her chemistry notes so he could pass the midterm. Madison and Caitlyn walked over, and Madison told her tag-along to take a picture of Wes and Bianca together because that was what sucking at life looked like. At home, Dottie took pictures of herself to upload to her profile on the dating sites she signed up for (Match, eHarmony, ChristianMingle (likely wasn’t Christian), and JDate (she definitely wasn’t Jewish), and Bianca helped Dottie choose a picture. Caitlyn put together some jifs of Bianca’s sexy behavior and voice and made it into a teen porn-intended video that she uploaded to a website and everyone in school saw it. The kids started laughing and pointing at Bianca in the hallway at school, so she ran to the bathroom and cried it out there. As Principal Buchanan and teacher Mr. Arthur watched the video together, the site was suddenly taken down (by Casey the hacker inside the school). Principal Buchanan told Mr. Arthur it was a prison yard with the students and they would retaliate with all of their social media outlets. Mr. Arthur said they needed to deal with the issue in a way that was private and sensitive, and Principal Buchanan said they wouldn’t negotiate with terrorists. Principal Buchanan then made an announcement that in order to stop cyber bullying at school, Malloy High was being put under Internet martial law so all the students would be required to turn in their phones to their teachers at the beginning of the day and retrieve them at the end of the day after classes. Everybody was then mad at Bianca, and she blamed Wes for making the video go viral. He later made amends with Bianca and promised that the video wasn’t from him, and he surprised her with a black dress she had her eye on at the mall and apologized for calling her a DUFF. Bianca followed Wes’s suggestion and approached Toby at school to tell him that she was into him, and he was flattered and impressed. That was the first time they said more than a few words to each other, and they made a date to hang out at his house. Bianca went inside the boys’ locker room (where she saw boys in their very tight-fitting underwear) and told Wes the news, and he gave her dating advice to go to Dave & Buster’s and get a dining booth for dinner because that was best for flirting, not so accidental touching, and making out. Mr. Arthur told Bianca that the pen was mightier than the sword and to be positive where the other teens were negative and hateful, and he reminded her that he planned to put her homecoming article on the front page of the school newspaper. Bianca picked Wes up at his house where his parents were fighting and told each other to save it for therapy. Bianca drove Wes into the woods where she used to go a lot with her dog Pepper. Bianca stopped going to Think Rock after her parents got divorced because her mom got custody of her and her dad wanted custody of Pepper, the dog. Bianca told Wes that his family situation would get better, and he kissed her but quickly pulled away and excused it as being practice. Bianca said that it turned out the shrubs had bit**es who videotaped everything because Caitlyn was videoing that while she was out for a jog. At school, Madison showed Bianca a video of her approaching the guys at the mall trying to talk to them, and Madison said this next video would destroy Bianca and Madison was considering calling it “retail slut,” or “slut whore.” Madison announced that she and Wes were getting back together and he would be made aware of that soon, and that what happened in high school would stay with them forever, and most people didn’t realize that but most people were losers. Madison added that people like Bianca would never matter, so they needed to stop messing things up for the people who did matter. Bianca in her imagination wondered what it would be like if she was dating Wes and she envisioned a video of herself and him making out on a porn site. As Bianca left for her date with Toby in the black dress Wes gave her, she met Dottie downstairs who was getting ready for her first Internet date. Dottie gave Bianca the advice she gave her fans, which was to believe, retrieve, and achieve (but added for her young daughter’s sake not to conceive on her date with Toby). Outside, Wes showed Bianca the good grade he got in science and said he might get to play football again, and he complimented her on her outfit but said she didn’t look like herself. Bianca went to Toby’s house and suggested they go to Dave & Buster’s, but he replied that he already made a reservation at his house where he made sushi (a large amount) for dinner. Bianca realized it was a nightmare situation because Wes had only trained her for Dave & Buster’s, so she quickly moved her chair so it was next to Toby’s instead of across from him in case dinner led to kissing. As they ate, Bianca imagined herself and Toby having sex on the dinner table, and when his face turned into Wes’s she came back to reality. She had to go to the bathroom because she was having issues with Wes being stuck in her head and interrupting her date, and then she and Toby went out on the front porch so he could play her a song for her on his guitar that he wrote. The lyrics started with “Baby, you set my soul on fire, and girl, you are my heart’s desire…” Toby didn’t have the song finished, and Bianca said it was good and told him how the video that came out affected her relationship with her friends in a bad way. Toby suggested she make amends with them, and up until that point Bianca had no idea Toby was even friends with her friends. Toby explained that Jess was in his drama class and Casey was in trigonometry, and Jess was an amazing actress, dancer, and dresser, and Casey was a fiery, spicy and caliente Latina. Toby then went off on how he was amazed that he was such good friends with powerful American women like Jess and Casey and wanted to know if they had dates to homecoming. It came out that Toby was DUFFing Bianca and using her to get to Jess and Casey, and he admitted that he thought Bianca’s girlfriends were coming to his house with her to hang out that night. Bianca threw the sweatshirt that Toby gave her in the trash and discovered a Mr. Sushi bag in there because he was full of crap and didn’t make all that sushi (for himself and the three girls) like he bragged about. Toby said the song was his, and Bianca replied she wasn’t surprised because it was a piece of crap and so was he. Bianca left Wes a voicemail upset and crying and said she wanted to really talk to him because Toby was DUFFing her, and then she went to Think Rock in the woods in the dark. Madison and Wes were sitting on the rock making out, so Bianca left even more upset. Wes showed up at her door later that night, and Bianca told him that she saw him with Madison at her special place. He argued that she said he could use it, and she said Wes could but not as a Motel 6. Wes tried to say they were friends, but Bianca pointed out that he was embarrassed to be seen with her at school and it was just an experiment that worked out for him but not for her and she told Wes to go home. Bianca wrote her article about homecoming just being high pressure to find a date and outfit, and she didn’t regret sitting it out but she did regret the way she left things with Jess and Casey. Bianca sent the article to Mr. Arthur via email to put in the paper, and then her girlfriends came over and they had a heart-to-heart. Casey said they all had insecurities and they couldn’t be Bianca, Jess, and Casey without Bianca, so Jess and Casey planned to ditch homecoming to stay with Bianca. Bianca told them no because she wanted to eat pizza on her bed again and sit it out so she wouldn’t have to see Wes or Toby. Mom Dottie was eavesdropping at the door again and told the girls that what they were talking about was juicy stuff and parental guidance was necessary. Dottie told Bianca that she was for sure going to the dance that night because she wasn’t a hider and she was smart, funny and beautiful no matter what others said. Dottie then invented another stage, number 11 and used a British accent to call it the acceptance plus stage where you accept who you are and live with it. Jess asked if that was supposed to be an imitation of Robert Pattinson, and Dottie said the movie Spinal Tap and told her daughter to be the best weirdo she could be. Dottie added “passion plus action,” because she wanted her daughter to rock the homecoming dance like Dottie knew she would (with a murder poster hanging on the wall behind Bianca amidst her other demonic and horrific posters. Bianca had an idea, and with the help of Jess and Casey she used her flannel shirt and clothes she liked to make a dress out of them. After Jess finalized the dress design and sewed it together, Casey came into the room and told the trio that they were going solo without dates and she made that happen by deserting the teen boy dates last minute to make it a girl thing. Bianca said let’s do this sh**, and mom Dottie cheered f-ing A (actually saying the word). The teachers Mr. Fillmore and Mr. Arthur sat at a table at homecoming, and Fillmore mentioned that one of the girls looked great and was pulling it off. Arthur said she was 15 years old, and Fillmore replied he didn’t care about that; she was a ten (score). Since it was getting close to the king and queen announcement, Madison wanted to get the best lighting by the stage with Caitlyn trailing behind holding her camera as always. As soon as Bianca arrived with her friends, she went to talk to Wes who was standing alone at the refreshment table where Madison left him. Bianca took Wes’s advice about being straight up about people if you liked them, so she told Wes she liked him in that way and he replied that he just got back together with Madison. Bianca said that was good if he was happy, and then Madison noticed Wes and Bianca conversing and she stormed over and asked Bianca if Build-A-Bear made her dress. Madison told Bianca that since she couldn’t leave Wes alone, Madison couldn’t wait to release Bianca’s video the following day. Bianca told Madison to go ahead, and Madison confirmed that she would and added that Wes would never leave her for a DUFF like Bianca. Bianca told Madison that everybody was a DUFF, including Madison, and there would always be somebody prettier, more talented or richer than her but it shouldn’t affect how she saw herself. Bianca called Madison out on how she labeled everybody to try to keep them down, but by doing that she ended up missing out on all the great stuff around her. Bianca pointed out that Madison had Wes, but she treated him like he was stupid and he wasn’t and people liked Wes because he was an amazing guy, not because he was with Madison. Bianca went on to say that she liked herself and she wouldn’t want to be anybody else, and none of the homecoming stuff mattered to her but it did matter to Madison and was her dream. Bianca told Madison not to tear her down for not caring about her mean girl labels, because in the end they were meaningless. They were interrupted by the announcement of the homecoming king and queen, and Madison left for the stage area because that was obviously all that mattered to her.Principal Buchanan announced that Madison Morgan was homecoming queen, and she was in her element accepting her fake crown and roses onstage. Wesley Rush was chosen as the homecoming king, and even though the principal called him multiple times he didn’t go up onstage to join the nutty queen because Wes had trouble keeping his eyes off Bianca. Bianca asked Wes if he was going to get his crown, and he said no, he was going to get his girl and walked over to Bianca. They kissed in front of everybody because Wes didn’t care crap about being king, and Mr. Arthur said that was great, to which Mr. Fillmore replied yes, he was hot (Wes was hot). Wes and Bianca left the dance room and broke into the school newsroom and made out passionately there, but Bianca interrupted and logged onto the computer. Wes said he would kill himself if she was doing homework, and Bianca replied that she felt inspired and wanted to write something on her article. Bianca ended up rewriting her article a bit and said that homecoming was at the time the greatest moment of her life because it led her to Wes. She wrote in a way that everybody could relate to how they were a DUFF too, so it went viral after the students got ahold of it. Another day at school, Mr. Arthur had a one-on-one with Bianca and confided in her that he was the DUFF of his group, but there wasn’t such a cool name for it in his school and it was either the dipsh**, douchebag, A. Urkel, Asian Urkel, or nerd a**. They both noticed that the site had thousands of positive comments about the DUFF story. In the end, Wes passed science and he was headed to Ohio State in the fall, and Bianca got into Northwestern and planned on visiting Wes. Bianca even took down the murder posters in her room and was wore more girly clothes instead of baggy sweatshirts and pajamas. Bianca and Wes drove off to Dave & Buster’s in his black Jeep Rubicon, and Bianca said it wasn’t about popularity or getting the guy, but how you defined yourself and you are the only one who can do that. This movie had an $8.5 million and grossed over $43 million at the box office.

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/17/23

TITLE: The Secret Life Of Pets 2

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2019 Universal Pictures / Illumination 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This cartoon movie took place in New York City and started with a local dog telling a Jack Russell Terrier named Max that after a dog’s two legged parents had a two-legged child in the house, the parents were never the same. Max didn’t think he would ever have to worry about that, until his two-legged mom, Katie, met Chuck and they got married and had a son named Liam. When Liam started crawling, he was a little monster terrorizing Max, but everything changed once Liam learned to talk and told Max he loved him. Max and Duke, the male Newfoundland mix that was also part of their family, became Liam’s role models and taught him how to be like a dog. Max seemed to do a better job of protecting and parenting Liam than his human parents. Max went to see the gangster-talking white rabbit named Snowball (Snowball often screamed like Spongebob no doubt to teach kids that watched to behave in this out of control tantrum pants way in real life as kids copy). Snowball lived in the same apartment building and thought he was a crime-fighting superhero because his owner, a young girl named Molly, was always playing that comic superhero game with him. Snowball asked Max (Tiny Dog) if Liam was still peeing all over the house and suggested Max train the kid before preschool started because he didn’t want Liam to get a reputation as one of those pee-pee kids. Katie noticed that Max was stressed and dragged him to Dr. Francis the vet, where he sat in the waiting room alongside other pets with behavioral problems (including a cat who felt he wasn’t good enough because his owner always threw out the dead animals he brought home, a rodent who ran around in his wheel but got nowhere, a dog who was told he was a good dog but was concerned that deep down he was a bad dog, and two demonic kittens who started fires). The vet put an awkward cone around Max’s head to stop his scratching obsession that recently started, and then Duke announced that the whole family was going on a car trip. Max entrusted Gidget, the spoiled Pomeranian, to watch his favorite toy, Busy Bee, while he was gone. Gidget agreed saying it was like she was the mom, Max was the dad, and they were in a relationship and Busy Bee was their baby. However, soon after Gidget lost Busy Bee and the toy bounced into the apartment window where a crazy cat lady lived with her dozens of cats that attacked each other to get Busy Bee. A Shih Tzu named Daisy recruited Captain Snowball for a mission, so Snowball donned his blue and yellow superhero costume and had a comic-book style scene where he was much bigger than his actual size and defeated villains. Daisy explained that when she was on a plane for vacation, she and the other animals were in their compartment going through their four-legged parents belongings and trading things. Daisy came across a white tiger cub named Hu (pronounced “who”) chained in a cage, and she witnessed him being sold to his new Russian owner, Sergei from Happy Sergei’s Circus of Fun. Daisy wanted Snowball to go on a top-secret mission with her to save Hu. Snowball and Daisy arrived at the circus on Snowball’s pink and purple Bunnymobile, and they witnessed Sergei whipping Hu to make him jump off a high plank into a pool of water below. After Sergei left telling the chained wolves to watch Hu, Daisy saved the day and retrieved the keys to get Hu out of his cage while Snowball ran from one of the wolves that got free. Max’s family arrived at Uncle Shep’s farm, where the grumpy Welsh Sheepdog, Rooster, wondered what Liam was doing in a cage and asked if he had the fever. Max explained that if Liam wasn’t in his playpen, he would run up a tree and possibly fall and get hurt, and Rooster said that might not be so bad because then Liam would learn not to do it again. He mentioned the time he chewed on an electrical cord, and he was shocked and walked backward for a week but he never chewed another one of those cords again, and he said Max was wrong for trying to protect Liam from everything. Rooster then “cured” Max by taking his cone off even though his doctor said he needed to wear it. Gidget asked Chloe the emotionless cat to help her learn the way of the cat so she could get Busy Bee back, so Gidget gave Chloe fake ears and put a sock over her tail and taught her how to act like a cat. Buddy the dachshund and Mel the hyper pug joined in on the lessons, where they went after the ball that Chloe threw and she told Gidget not to fetch the ball because fetching was for dopes (like dogs) and Gidget was above that because now she was a cat. Mel ate the poop in the cat litter box and called it a treat, and Gidget did a pass on the litter box and refused to use it. Chloe instructed her to eat Sweetpea, the budgerigar, because it was part of a cat’s nature to eat birds. Gidget put Sweetpea in her mouth, but then Chloe told her she was a bad cat-dog for actually trying to eat Sweetpea and Gidget spit the bird out. Chloe also taught Gidget how to put her tail in the human’s face, rub her butt on the coffee cup, walk on the keyboard, and then spill the coffee cup on the computer. Gidget tried to steal Busy Bee from the biggest cat in the house, and Norman the guinea pig projected a red laser to make it look like Gidget ate the laser. None of the actual cats could ever catch the red dot, so they thought Gidget was the Chosen One and bowed down before her all hailing Queen Gidget as she rode by on the robot vacuum. Snowball took Daisy and Hu to Pops’ house (Pops, an elderly Basset Hound who used a wheelchair because his back legs were paralyzed) because his two legged parent was never home, but Pops didn’t want Hu to stay because he would wreck the house. Pops was in charge of a puppy school (which started when his owner brought home a young Basset Hound named Tiny) where he taught the puppies to hide socks to mess with the humans’ minds and poop in shoes. Everyone gave Pops puppy-dog eyes until he agreed to let Hu stay for one night. Sergei found Hu missing from his cage and also found Daisy’s hair clip, and he gave it to the wolves to track the scent and bring the tiger back threatening that the wolf who chased Snowball would be turned into a fur coat if they didn’t succeed. Max accidentally released the sheep from their pen when he was messing around, and a little lamb named Cotton wandered off into the woods. Rooster and Max went after Cotton, and Rooster ordered Max to go down the cliff and rescue Cotton. Lil Cotton’s foot was stuck on a branch of an apple tree attached to the cliff wall. Max and the family left the farm and returned home, and Rooster gave Max a red bandana like his own before they left. At Max’s house, Snowball, Daisy and Hu tried to sneak out of the closet where they had hidden (because Pops came and returned the tiger to Snowball) but Max noticed them. The wolves and Sergei then appeared and cornered Hu on the roof, and Sergei shot Hu with a tranquilizer dart. Hu was loaded into the truck, and Sergei also put Daisy in a cage to be a cannonball for the circus. Max, Snowball and Norman chased after the truck on the Bunnymobile, and Snowball radioed in to Gidget for help. Gidget and the cats threw all the cat food in the trash to make the old lady think they had none, so she loaded all the cats up in her car and drove to the store. However, the cats then hijacked the car by taking control of the steering wheel and driving the car to the train station. Sergei left on a train, and Snowball was inside the train fighting Sergei’s pet monkey. Snowball got rid of the monkey by shooting him out of a cannonball, and then everyone attacked Sergei with Max biting his private parts and Snowball and Daisy going after Sergei’s face and other parts. The train screeched to a halt and they tried to escape, and then the cat lady and cats hit Sergei with the car just as he was about to shoot Hu. Things went back to normal, and Hu moved in with the cat lady. Molly dressed male bunny Snowball up in a pink dress with a princess crown, lipstick, and wig, and he (happy bunny) said it was awesome and cheered. Max decided that he was going to be brave and help Liam be brave by letting him see the big scary world, and Max walked Liam to preschool with Liam’s family. 

On an 80 million budget, this film grossed over $446 million at the box office.

ONE OF TWO   

DATE REVIEWED: 8/15/23

TITLE: The Pelican Brief (based on John Grisham’s book)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1993 Warner Bros.

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with hundreds of protesters in the streets with picketing signs such as, Death To Rosenberg, Lesbian Rights, Abortion Is Murder, Handgun Control, Fur Is Death, Honor Mother Earth, ACLU, Green Peace, Support The Inner City, Execution Is No Solution, Aids Cure Now, God Cares You Should Too, Homo Sex Is Not A Crime,along with other topics and there was minimal police on the scene and those officers present were being shoved among the crowd because it was not peaceful protesting outside the government D.C. building. Rosenberg (about 90 years old and still a Supreme Court Justice) and news reporter Gray Grantham were inside discussing what some of the signs said like, “Retire Rosenberg.” Rosenberg commented on what people would do to get position inside the Oval Office, which included stirring up the crowd outside so they would disturb the peace in the streets. Later that night, a man rowed to shore and signaled once he got there with a flashlight silently to let the other boat know he arrived and they signaled back with their light. The man took down the keys to an old truck that hung on a tree branch above where the truck was hidden in the woods and he drove the classic redneck truck to D.C. After that, somebody went to a well-dressed man’s hotel room door and asked for more Edwin F. Sneller, so the suited man took the yellow envelope he had and slid it under the door as that name was the code name for the person picking up the envelope. The foreign man picked up the envelope at his feet and then used a key card to get in to his hotel room door that happened to be right next-door from the mob boss. Just as the hired gun (Khamel) got inside his room, he answered his ringing phone and said that the money must be waiting for him in Zurich when he arrived and the boss man responded that the money would be there if the job was finished. The assassin man hung up and called for room service to order breakfast as he stared at the picture that was inside the envelope, with the faces of Justice Rosenberg and Justice Jensen circled. Meanwhile, a Tulane University teacher taught his Louisiana class that people substituted threats for an argument and violence for principle; they allowed passion to overcome their capacity for reason. Passion and self-interest were threats to liberty, and the professor brought up the case of Bowers against Hardwick where a police officer entered Mr. Hardwick’s apartment to serve him a warrant for an unpaid violation for drinking in public. When the officer entered Mr. Hardwick’s bedroom, he found him in bed with another man, and the officer arrested Hardwick for violating Georgia’s statute that outlawed sodomy. Even though Georgia dropped the case, Hardwick challenged the constitutionality of the statute. One student suggested that Hardwick’s claim was violation of privacy because it was his house and he had the right to do whatever he wanted there. But it was argued that selling drugs and child abuse was not the same because those actions didn’t fit within the privacy rights of the home. Darby Shaw said if the State of Georgia could regulate Hardwick’s sexuality engaged in private with consenting adults, Hardwick could not be free. The Constitution ensured limited government and if there was no right of privacy and Georgia can enforce the statue we sacrifice the liberty the framers thought they’d guaranteed us. The professor told the students that the Supreme Court disagreed and found that the statute did not violate the right of privacy, so student Darby responded then the Supreme Court was wrong. In D.C., with dozens of bottles of medication on a stand behind an old man nurse who was living with Rosenberg as his caretaker, the man watched TV about sex in his rocking chair, and was shot when someone snuck into the room. The assassin then shot Rosenberg in the head and killed him too as he was resting in his bed. This was the assassin, Khamel, from the hotel room earlier, and after the dirty deed was done, Khamel put on his opera headphones and jogged down the street in his black workout attire as though he never killed anyone. In the next scene, killer Kahmel now without glasses and different black clothes, sat behind Justice Jensen after he entered a movie theater that sounded like it was played porn film. The assassin ate from his popcorn and then put it in the seat next to him and untied the rope that was around his waist that he used for a belt. He snapped Jensen’s neck in one movement in the dark theater with a few people scattered around the back part of the seating higher up. Later on, the FBI discussed how the bodies of the two Justices were found with Rosenberg and his nurse dead and Jensen dead in the queer club watching a movie. Two men, the president and another man, his Chief of Staff (Fletcher Coal) discussed how the CIA should be involved and they needed to wait at least two hours to address the nation because the president wanted an audience since it was early in the morning. The man gave the president a list of nominees to replace the Justices and said the restructuring of the court would be the president’s legacy. The president wanted a report from the two FBI men, FBI Director Denton Voyles and Bob Gminski, who then arrived because he said it was a breakdown since the FBI were supposed to be protecting two Justices but they ended up dead in their care. The president wanted a straight answer whether or not the killings were linked directly to the CIA or any other United States government agency, and Bob was offended that the president would even consider somebody being dirty within the US agencies. The president addressed the country and told them that the criminals would be found and held accountable and justice would prevail as Khamel was shown about a Trans-Atlantic flight to Zurich, Switzerland. Darby and her professor, Tomas Callahan, were in bed together as they watched the Presidential address on TV about the murders, and then the two discussed why both Justices were killed at that time when one was on his deathbed and Jensen was nominated by the President. Darby pointed out that the Justices had almost nothing in common but the investigators should be looking into what they did have common as to why they were murdered around the same time right before the next election. In a government meeting between three men, it was discussed that there would be hell to pay politically if they let foreign terrorists in and the intelligence agency couldn’t afford to be blamed for a weakness in immigration. FBI Director Denton told the president what he was about to reveal needed to be kept very quiet and the president assured him it would be because it was the Oval Office they were talking in. Denton explained that they knew at least 11 Underground Army members who had been in the D.C. area for a week and they suspected them in at least 100 bombings of abortion clinics, ACLU offices, porno houses and gay clubs all over the country. It was then televised that Gray Grantham had been covering the Supreme Court for the Washington Herald, and Gray told the newscaster that he actually had been with Rosenberg the day he was shot and they spoke about things that were off the record of course but he believed he would be able to quote them now. Gray went on to say that Rosenberg told him that the campaign waged by the President was so ruthless in its manipulation of the middle-class fears of minorities had been so exploitative and divisive that it created a climate of distrust (yet that was never said in movie to Gray by Rosenberg). Darby went to see her professor where he told his lover that Gray was a man after the professor’s own heart as the professor heavily drank hard liquor. Professor Callahan was taking time off from work because he was depressed, but he coached his student on her trying to solve the murders of the Justices. She told him she had been to the library and looked at the areas the Justices had in common and figured out that Jensen generally protected the rights of criminal defendants, he wrote 3 majority opinions protective of the environment and almost always supported tax protesters. On an attempt to influence the social agenda of the court, everyone was thinking that the murders were because of hatred or revenge, and Darby suggested perhaps the issue involved old-fashioned material greed a case that involved a lot of money. Darby then went to the Louisiana records department and asked to see a record and stated it was covered under the Freedom of Public Information Act after the clerk asked Darby why she wanted to see it. The clerk showed Darby where the file was and told her that it had all the pleadings and correspondence and the rest was discovery and the trial which was held last summer and the appeal wasn’t perfected yet and the deadline was August 1st. Darby wrote a Tulane University college paper on the information she gathered and assessed from her studies. The professor asked Darby who done it after she finished her paperwork because he thought she might have something the FBI, the CIA, the Secret Service and 10,000 police departments didn’t know in her research. She gave the work to her professor to read because she had spent the last week skipping class to get it done. Professor Callahan said he would leave the following day to go to Rosenberg’s memorial in D.C. and he added that he went through Rosenberg’s decisions the other night and in the back of Professor’s mind he thought he might write a book about it. Darby said nobody could do it better than him, and Professor started making notes about what Rosenberg meant to him, surrogate father, mentor, etc. and Darby’s friend Alice Stark then knocked on her door and wanted to go out for burgers with her but University Professor boyfriend started making out with Darby passionately with heavy body contact and Darby then managed to tell Alice that she was good and was okay at home (with an ACLU sticker on her fridge). Gray went and got a coffee at a local diner and at the counter he met up with another man who nonchalantly handed him a note as if they were in high school and Gray asked how the president was. The other man asked which one, and Gray said not Coal, the real one, and the man replied the president was cool and mellow but then added he was all tore up about Rosenberg and fired up about restructuring the court. Gray asked what the man gave him in his note, and he replied it was a short list of nominees and the original had 20 or so names and they cut it to 8 and the inside source man for the White House gave reporter Gray two of the names. The questionable security man said he hadn’t heard anything about the investigation but he would keep his ears open and Gray said he knew the man would. Gray printed in The Washington Herald the next day the list he got from the White House worker (Parkland Security Guard). Later on, Professor Thomas Callahan met with Gavin Vereek and they discussed the Gray Grantham news article that was in front of Thomas, where Gavin said it had him running around all day because Coal blasted the Director about the judges’ names being leaked by the FBI, and the Director twisted Coal’s words and told Coal had leaked the names himself to test the waters. Gavin told Thomas that his name ought to have been on the list of judges because he was the one everyone thought would get the honor. They joked about Thomas’s new girlfriend student being twenty-four but extremely mature, and Gavin asked for a photo of Darby but Thomas said he didn’t have one because she wasn’t a puppy or a grandchild. Thomas asked Gavin who killed the Justices, and Gavin replied that he was just a lawyer with the FBI and he wasn’t an agent. Thomas called him out on that, and Gavin added that to be perfectly honest nobody had a clue as to the assassin’s identity. Professor Thomas told attorney Gavin that his student girlfriend (Darby) wrote a school essay for his class on who might have ordered the assassinations, and they joked about his girlfriend having a theory and then Professor Thomas gave the Pelican Brief document that Darby wrote to FBI Gavin to read and added he would get a kick out of the way Darby’s mind works. Wearing a Howard University shirt, Gray ended his jogging and returned to his home and answered his phone and it turned out to be somebody calling from a payphone on his way to work. The stranger man said he couldn’t call from his home or attorney office and he wouldn’t say whether it was a private or government office. He said it was concerning Rosenberg and Jensen, and he made sure the call to reporter Gray wasn’t being recorded and the call wasn’t being traced. After Gray promised that he wasn’t recording or tracing him and was just writing information on his notepad, the caller said his name was Garcia and he might know who the killer was. Gray questioned whether his name was really Garcia, and the caller ignored him and said he thought he stumbled upon something at his office he wasn’t supposed to see. Gray asked for a copy of what Garcia had, which spooked the caller a little bit and so the caller said he needed to think about it rationally before he gave anything up, especially to the press. Gray promised that he would protect Garcia as a confidential source, and the call was disconnected but Gray was able to figure out the location of the call by pressing some buttons on the phone. Garcia then made another call to Gray’s office while Gray was spying on him and taking photos of him in the phonebooth from a nearby car because he made it over in time to catch him and the assistant answered and transferred the call to Gray’s mobile phone. Gray told Garcia that he had gone to jail rather than reveal a source and he tried to talk Garcia into releasing information that was imperative to solve the murders. As Garcia said he would get back to Gray and hung up, the caller exited the phonebooth and reporter Gray snapped a bunch of photos of him in hopes of identifying him and then followed him on foot with his hoodie over his head to get his name and information or perhaps where the man worked or lived. Garcia got in a Diamond Cab and Gray called for a cab immediately after to follow him, but when the cabbie slowed but didn’t stop (maybe because the taxi driver thought he would be robbed by the hooded man), Gray kicked the taxi door as the taxi sped off. Meanwhile, Coal was informed that French authorities reviewed footage from the airport cameras in Paris and they thought they recognized the face of Khamel the terrorist and he may have been on a flight that arrived 10 hours after they found Jensen’s body. The FBI agents presented a new theory that FBI Director Denton was intrigued by but he was afraid it might be damaging to the President so it was being shown to Coal instead. Later on, the same two men that gave Coal Darby’s Pelican Brief thesis was told by FBI Denton that it might be amateur but how often did something like that make Coal sweat and run. The President was checked into the hospital and the reporters were handled by Coal, and then Coal brought the President in the hospital room the Pelican Brief written by Tulane law student Darby and it was a theory about the assassinations and it indirectly implicated the White House. Coal told the president that it was a far-fetched story, but for whatever reason FBI Director Denton was going to run with it. The President said that they shouldn’t interfere with the FBI investigation, Coal recommended Giminski and the CIA get involved and investigate and the second they confirmed the theory was garbage, then the President could ask Denton to back off. The President replied it was domestic and the CIA couldn’t nose around because that was illegal, and Coal said technically. The President then asked about Coal’s friend Barr and the Unit, and Coal replied that he spoke with Barr and they were very good for small specific missions but they weren’t the CIA. Coal told the President it implicated the White House because of one name listed and it was someone they both knew but they didn’t say Mattiece name out loud.The President turned away and opened the hospital window and waved to the press below. Darby spent many hours and days heavily researching cases on the computer and in libraries and public files to figure out what the Justices had in common to pinpoint those that might have had a major stake in profiting from the deaths of the two Justices. Thomas and Darby hooked up at dinner and he said he didn’t want to write the book about Rosenberg and she should write it because all he wanted to do was sit around drinking and making love. Thomas was drunk and making a scene in the restaurant and flipped his chair over on the way out, and Darby wanted to leave and he replied that he was perfectly capable of driving. Outside in the street, Darby told Professor Thomas to either give her the keys or she was going to walk home, and he left her there telling her to have a nice stroll while he would drive home. The professor got in his classic car and yelled out the open window at Miss Shaw that she took his breath away and then he stared his engine started and the car exploded in front of her. Later on, a Sergeant Rupert in plain clothes from the New Orleans Police Department showed up and held up his badge as Darby sat in a car with first responders all around. Sgt. Rupert told Darby to go to his car because she would be safe there but she didn’t as she was in shock and visibly shaking and could hardly speak knowing somebody was trying to kill her. Darby managed to tell them what her name was and they quickly disappeared. Darby then saw Thomas’s dead body being carried out of the demolished vehicle on a stretcher, and she started sobbing so Lieutenant Olson NOPD told Darby she would be taken to the hospital. Darby told Olson the name of the man in the car was Thomas Callahan, and at the hospital Olson told Darby it would be a few minutes because the hospital room was packed and asked her if she was positive Rupert said he was a cop. Olson said the NOPD didn’t have a cop named Rupert on record and the computer had no record of the tag numbers of the car Darby was in because it must be fake tags. Olson left to go move the car and said he would be back. Darby then realized that she had to get out of there because she didn’t know who she could trust, and she went out a back exit and stumbled into the very chaotic and loud partying streets of New Orleans. She made her way through the crowd and checked into a hotel room using her American Express card. The next morning as FBI attorney Gavin watched Regis and Kathy on their talk show, Darby called him and asked about the copy of her Pelican Brief theory that she gave to Professor Thomas and he gave to FBI attorney Gavin who gave it to the FBI agents who gave it to FBI Director Denton Voyles. Gavin said he couldn’t answer if Darby’s theory was seen outside the FBI, so she said she wasn’t going to tell him what happened to Thomas. Gavin then admitted that the Pelican Brief theory had been seen outside the FBI, but he didn’t know by who or how many. Darby blurted out that Thomas Callahan was dead and it happened the previous night because someone planted a car bomb and even though she got lucky now they were after her. Gavin wanted Darby’s exact location and phone number, but she wasn’t about to give that up until she figured out the trustworthy ones. Gavin tried to persuade Darby that in fifteen minutes he could have a dozen agents pick her up because she wasn’t safe on the streets and she added that Thomas was his best friend. Darby replied that Thomas was dead right after she talked and to tell that to Director Voyles, and then Gavin’s female companion in his room yelled for him to turn up the TV because she couldn’t hear Regis and Kathie Lee and Darby hung up. FBI Director Denton Voyles went to see the President who was trying to teach his Irish setter how to roll over and Voyles told the President that he had 14 agents in New Orleans checking out what happened. The President said he didn’t have to tell the Director how much trouble the Pelican Brief would cause if the press got wind of what the FBI tried to dig up, then they would be crucified by the press when it was a wild goose chase and they should back off from the investigation for a few weeks and go after the real suspects. Voyles reminded the President how his hatchet man did a real number on Voyles with the press and ate his lunch over the security they provided Jensen and Rosenberg. FBIT Voyles told the President to get the pit bull press off his a** and he would forget about the Pelican Brief for a while. That conversation was recorded and watched and listened to by Coal in a security room. In her wig, Darby took an elevator with a bunch of men and wondered if she made the right decision being trapped inside the elevator with them especially with the one in the corner glaring at her. The elevator stopped and another man came on, so Darby barged through the door and the man in the corner tried to go after her but the door closed. He waited for the elevator to reach the bottom floor while Darby raced down the stairs just as the man came running around the corner. She ran through the kitchen to escape and was able to get to the service elevator and close the door before the plain clothed madman grabbed her. She blended in with the tourist bus and checked into the Marriott using cash to pay for her room instead of her credit card. Darby called FBI attorney Gavin again and he didn’t have much information for her because he hadn’t talked to FBI Director Voyles but then suggested they meet that night at Thomas’s memorial service and Gavin told Darby he could save her life. Attorney Gavin stayed at the Westin by the river, and there was a team of CIA agents in their own hotel room spying on the adjacent people in the hotel across from them. The CIA agents guessed that since Darby was using her credit cards she would probably be dead within 48 to 72 because they saw through Darby’s open window her watching TV. A couple of agents stayed behind and discussed how Darby’s Pelican Brief was right on point and notifying the President meant notifying Coal as well. On TV, Darby listened to the report that reporter Gray from his Washington news stated that Khamel the Middle-Eastern terrorist was in the area and may have assassinated Justices Rosenberg and Jensen and Khamel’s country was funding him. Meanwhile, Garcia again called reporter Gray and told him his location, and Gray gave Garcia the license plate of his gray Volvo because they were a lot of those out there for Garcia to find Gray. They agreed to meet in ten minutes, and Gray forgot his keys and went back into his house to get them and he received another call and it was Garcia saying he couldn’t go through with it because he had a wife and daughter and there was a chance they knew that Garcia knew. Reporter Gray made a slip-up because he already knew part of the identity of Garcia and asked him about being at his law firm but he quickly recovered and said that Garcia went to work too early to be a government people and he had to be at one of those firms where they expected their employees to be there working 100 hours a week. That didn’t work because Garcia hung up on him, and then the phone rang again and Gray answered it talking to Garcia which then he found it was Darby on the other end asking him if he heard of the Pelican Brief. Darby explained it was an unlikely theory about how killed Rosenberg and Jensen and a friend of hers took it to Washington and he gave it to a friend in the FBI and it was passed around. She added that her friend was killed in a car bomb, and she didn’t want to tell reporter Gray the name of her dead friend because she wasn’t sure she could trust him. He wanted to know how she knew all of that, and Darby replied that she wrote the Pelican Brief. She confirmed that she wasn’t a lawyer and he asked for her address but she didn’t want any more questions and said her name was Alice. She asked Gray to get a list of the major presidential campaign contributors, and he replied he could have it by the following day. He asked Darby if she knew who did the killings, and she said yes and she told him to take it slow and she would be in touch with him and hung up.  

TWO OF TWO   

DATE REVIEWED: 8/15/23

TITLE: The Pelican Brief (based on John Grisham’s book)

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1993 Warner Bros.

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: 

 The real Alice then met up with Darby at a bar and told her that she was able to get into Darby’s apartment but Darby’s computer was gone and so were all her floppy disks and her red expandable files. Darby asked Alice to do her a favor and attend the memorial service tomorrow and spread the word that Darby was staying with her aunt in Denver and she wouldn’t be back until fall. Darby said she had the money her dad left her after Alice asked if she was okay financially, and Darby didn’t want to answer Alice’s question about who she was hiding from and told Alice that she better leave. There was a man in the bar who tried to get Alice to stick around as she looked more like a man dressed in her ballcap with her underneath her cap and baggy clothes, but she didn’t want to stay and walked out into the busy streets. The man looked at his watch and then ran after Darby asking her to marry him for five minutes trying to stall her while somebody made his way there to her location. The bar guy then made a scene and started singing and the crowd seemed to enjoy it, and then the man from the elevator showed up just as Darby ran off and the other man pointed subtly in the direction that Darby went. Darby asked a very muscular wrestler-type man to help her and she ran, and he grabbed ahold of the man chasing her but the little guy actually got the better of the bigger guy until a couple of others joined in on the fight and held the undercover possible agent man. A government agent dressed in plain clothes watched the scene unfold and then went to find Darby. In another hotel room, the same guy in the dress suit from earlier slipped another envelope under the door after Khamel asked for Mr. Edwin F. Sneller. Khamel took the envelope and went into the room next door, and inside the envelope was a picture of Darby as his next target. At the memorial service, Alice told everyone loudly what her friend asked to to about Darby staying with her aunt in Colorado while Gavin stood outside the door listening. An agent noticed that Gavin waited for somebody outside the church as Darby watched from a window with a scarf around her head. Later that night, Darby called Gavin at his Westin hotel room and he told her to name a location to meet and he would have three agents come with him to pick her up, and she said she didn’t think the FBI was involved and Gavin replied that they were his friends so they weren’t and they could get her out of New Orleans that night and into Washington the next day and he promised that she would personally meet Voyles and they could go from there. Darby gave instructions for Gavin to take the trolley to Riverwalk at noon the following day and wear a long sleeve shirt and red baseball cap and he needed to wait at the riverside bandstand and Darby would find him. She also got his measurements and said she would meet him the following day. However, when Gavin got in the shower, it was revealed that there was a recording device underneath the table hidden out of sight. After Gavin got out of the shower, the mirror started sliding open as he turned on the TV. He then sat on the bed brushing his teeth and listening to the TV, and then blood squirted all over the TV because someone used a silenced gun to shoot Gavin dead. After the shooting, Khamel unplugged the recording device to take with him and then took a piece of chocolate that Gavin didn’t eat but had opened out of its wrapper. Khamel ate the chocolate as he listened to the conversation between Darby and Gavin. The assassin the next morning used the bedding and stuffed it inside his shirt to make him look like he was 180 pounds and fit the description of Gavin so he could go in place of Gavin to meet Darby. In her bra, Darby was getting ready and put her hair in braids (Laura Ingalls or Anne of Green Gables) as Khamel got ready and put his gun in his pocket and practiced losing his accent and talking like Gavin. Darby and Khamel (dressed as Gavin) walked away holding hands as another man in the large crowd watched them and they got a ticket to go on an amusement ride, and as they walked Khamel slowly pulled his gun out of his pocket. He concealed the gun out of sight under his shirt and inched it over closer to Darby but before Khamel (Gavin) could pull the trigger somebody shot him in the back of the head with blood squirting on Darby’s face. People stopped and stared in horror for a moment and then they all scattered and ran from the sight leaving dead Khamel lying on the ground. A man who went by Mr. Sneller then called in to the hit man in his office and told him that Khamel was dead and they didn’t know who did it and Darby was on the run and they lost her but would find her. Darby called Reporter Gray again in D.C. and told him there was another murder and that the friend from the FBI of her friend that she gave the Pelican Brief to was killed yesterday and she knew that because she was holding his hand when he was shot in the middle of a crowd in broad daylight (but that wasn’t the real guy because he was already murdered by the assassin who then dressed up like him and was also killed). Darby said she was in New York and asked Gray when he could come there, but he didn’t believe her story and needed something more convincing because they got many calls from people claiming they had tips on who killed the Justices. Darby then gave Gray the name of her friend killed in the car explosion (Thomas Callahan) and it happened in New Orleans and that should be enough. Gray then asked for the name of the friend that worked at the FBI and she told him it was Gavin Verheek. Gray wanted her to confirm that was FBI Director Voyles’ Chief Counsel and then Darby said that was more than enough. Washington D.C. reporter Gray said he would definitely be on a plane that afternoon to New York to meet with her, and Darby gave him specific instructions. In a secluded park in New York, Gray answered the payphone at a specific time that evening. He arrived at Darby’s hotel room later on and she wouldn’t let him in until he confirmed he followed her instructions. Inside the hotel room, Darby told Gray that he must think she was crazy, and he admitted he did until he checked New Orleans and Callahan was killed exactly as she said and the FBI found Verheek’s body two days before in a hotel room early in the morning and he had been dead for at least eight hours. Darby realized that couldn’t be because she was holding Verheek’s hand when he died, and when Gray asked if Darby wanted to talk about the Brief, she said everybody she told about the Brief was dead and reporter Gray said he would take his chances. Darby told Gray he couldn’t under any circumstances use her name or reveal where or how he got his information or publish anything until she had left the country. He said he agreed unless he could convince her not to leave, and she said he couldn’t. Gray asked to use a tape recorder to record their conversation and Darby said that was fine, and they had their pow-wow. Meanwhile, Coal showed the Pelican Brief to Matthew Barr and he told Barr that the President spoke to Voyles about it and the Director agreed to leave it alone for a while. Coal said they thought it was just another shot in the dark but now he wasn’t so sure which was the reason why the President wanted Voyles to back off. Barr said that was obstruction of justice, and Coal replied assuming the Brief turned out to be true and Barr said if it did, Coal would be the fall guy. Coal added he wouldn’t be the only one and Barr commented it was the old Nixon two-step. Barr said to look on the hopeful side, Irangate and Iraqgate, and there was a good chance it wouldn’t even come out. Coal asked what was up with Gray Grantham, and Barr replied they got his car phone but they hadn’t been inside his house yet because the cleaning lady almost caught them. Coal said that Grantham knew about the Brief and he called three White House aides earlier that day and God knows who else. During the interview, Darby said she remembered a piece that “Frontline,” did a year ago about the young lawyer who originally filed the suit. They said he had committed suicide, but his family thought it was foul play, and after the assassinations Darby called his family and they said he had a depressive problem years before but medication had taken care of it. Darby also spoke with his doctor, and the doctor confirmed what the family said and they were told the police they were convinced it was not suicide but the police closed the investigation. That was why Darby was gung-ho about solving the murders of the Justices, and they ended the interview and Gray shut the recorder off and told Darby he was going over his notes while they were still fresh in his head and told her to call him when she woke up. Darby asked Gray to sleep on the sofa because she didn’t want to be alone with people after her and he said he would. She told him her real name was Darby Shaw and the reason she picked reporter Gray was because her (now dead) boyfriend Professor Callahan was a big fan of his. Gray listened to the cassette, where they discussed Victor Mattiece and how he was all about money, power and influence and how he made and lost several fortunes drilling for oil in south Louisiana. In 1979, his oil company punched some holes in Terrebonne Parish and hit a lot of oil. Mattiece knew he needed government permission to dredge a channel through the marshlands to get the equipment in and the oil out. Mattiece was also the great campaign contributor for the President, and the government gave permission for him to go through the endangered marshes. Mattiece was that close to a billion dollars when Green Fund, an obscure environmental outfit, trotted down to the U.S. District court in Lafayette and filed a lawsuit to stop the entire operation. Mattiece spared no expense to win the lawsuit and Darby believed there wasn’t a top law firm between Houston and New Orleans that he hadn’t hired. By the time the two Green Fund lawyers waded in, the joint ventures limited partnerships and corporate associations form an impenetrable maze that made Mattiece invisible. Luckily for the Green Fund’s lawsuit, the heart of the new oil reserve was near a natural refuge for waterfowl: Osprey, egrets, pelicans, ducks, cranes, and geese. Darby went on to say that the pelican became the hero after 30 years of contamination by DDT and other pesticides and the Louisiana brown pelican was on the brink of extinction. Green Fund seized the bird and enlisted experts from around the country to testify on its behalf, and it took seven years for the pelican suit to go to trial in Lake Charles. The 3-man jury, caring less about the pelicans than jobs, voted in favor of Mattiece, but the judge ruled to keep the injunction against drilling because he thought Green Fund had proven its point about the pelican, a federally-protected species, and it was apparent that Green Fund would appeal. From the trial level, the case would be appealed to the Court of Appeals in New Orleans in a month. Darby thought the court might reverse, and then the fun started because if either side was unhappy with the fifth circuit, they could appeal to the Supreme Court. From that day, it would take 3 to 5 to years for the Supreme Court to rule on that case. Gray added that Rosenberg would be dead from natural causes by then, but another President could be in the White House when he died so if you’re Mattiece and you don’t mind killing a couple of Supremes, now’s the time to kill them when you can predict their replacement. It was Jensen because he shared one piece of common ground with Rosenberg, which was protecting the environment. Gray wrote Garcia’s name on the New York Marriott stationary and drew an arrow between it and “law firm,” which he circled because he was trying to figure out how Garcia fit into the picture of what Darby told him. Reporter Gray then drew another line from law firm to Mattiece at the top and above Mattiece was a direct line to the White House. Back in D.C., Coal pulled out a VHS cassette tape marked “Property of PBS,” and said f-ing PBS and watched the PBS Frontline video. The next morning, Darby told Gray that there were at least two law firms, White & Blazevich and Brim, Stearns & Somebody, in D.C. that Mattiece hired in addition to all the others. Gray replied that there was a lawyer who wanted to tell him something about the murders, but he was too afraid and always backed out. Gray did have the lawyer’s picture, and when Darby asked how Gray didn’t want to answer but if he worked at one of the law firms it could be the confirmation that they needed. He wanted to take Darby to Washington with him, otherwise there would be a cover-up because he investigated a reporter who did a piece on it two years before called “Violations of Campaign Financing Laws,” when Gray called into the Herald morgue. The reporter found out that Mattiece was the biggest contributor by far to the President’s campaign, but it was hidden under a lot of individual names and PAC’s and corporations. In the piece that they ran was the President and Mattiece at a hunting lodge together looking like pals (they didn’t know the picture was taken) and Gray went on to say that if the Pelican Brief was accurate, then the President would lose any chance of reelection and the people surrounding the President wouldn’t let that happen. Gray said he checked with all of the sources he had in D.C. and they all confirmed that the Brief didn’t exist, and that Darby was the only witness who could prove there was a Brief and if she disappeared so did justice. Gray asked Darby if that was what Callahan would want and then he added that the guilty party would do anything not to be found out. Gray asked Darby where she could hide, and she told him to go back to Washington and left the room. The Parklane security guard at the White House met up with Gray again back in D.C. and told reporter Gray that the officials were all in a tizzy fit over the questions Gray was asking about the Brief, and as a result the Parklane guard was put on a 90-day medical leave even though he was not ill. He warned Gray as he walked away that he had never seen it that bad. At the Washington newspaper headquarters, Gray’s boss said he wasn’t going to let Gray do anything more with the murder story but he was going to send reporter Gray to Arkansas to check out the potential candidate for replacement Justice. Gray’s boss, Smith, gave him another chance even after he told Gray he couldn’t go off supposition and needed facts and sent Gray to his little cabin to take a couple of days off and then if he had other leads by the start of the new week then his editor might keep him on the case since Gray had no more contacts in D.C. and the two people that he was talking to decided to back out of it (Gray also discovered another connection that Thomas was a clerk for Rosenberg twenty years before). Gray was in his cabin in the woods watching the Frontline video about the lawyer who may have been murdered or committed suicide, and dogs were barking outside. Gray went outside in the pouring rain with his gun to investigate and saw a flashlight in the woods so he asked who was out there, and lo and behold, Darby yelled it was she. Earlier, Darby had left Gray a message saying she was out of the country and apologized for not being able to help him. Now, as she sat by the fireplace she told reporter Gray that was what she wanted people to think she had done in the event Gray’s phone was bugged. Darby explained that she called and talked to Gray’s editor at work and told him that she was Gray’s sister Mary and she couldn’t find her brother so his boss Smith told her the address where Gray was staying at the cabin. Darby added that he wasn’t the only one who could do research. Meanwhile, the President exited a church and thanked the reverend for the service and then the press hounded him and he told them they wouldn’t hear from him until the weekend was over. The President got in his limo and told Coal that moving the body was the best thing they could do, and Coal replied that the President couldn’t announce the nominations the following week. It was because of the Pelican Brief made forced a change of plans, and Coal told the President they believed that the reporter Grantham had gotten ahold of a copy of the Brief. The President replied that Mattiece would sue the pants off them if they tried to publish that, and Coal replied not if it was true. The President then was flabbergasted the Coal thought the Pelican Brief was true. Coal went and summed it for the President what reporter Gray probably would write in his article “A man the President knew and took millions from paid money to have two Supreme Justices killed so his pal, the President, could appoint more reasonable men to the bench so that his oil could be harvested.” Coal added that if Voyles said the President told him to back off the case (which he already did), then they faced an obstruction charge. The President said “Oh, Jesus!” and Coal said there was a way to handle it which was appointing two nature-lovers to the court, good environmentalists who would kill Mattiece and his oil field. The President would then have a meeting with FBI Director Voyles, and in the presence of the Attorney General, the President would demand an immediate investigation into Mattiece. Coal said he would leak copies of the Brief to every reporter in town and then they would ride out the storm, and he added that he was working on keeping the information from coming out because the President was very concerned about it going public. Coal told the President not to ask how. In the next scene, reporter Gray had his editor boss Smith Keen meet him at Mt. Vernon, George and Martha’s place, and Gray confirmed that bird girl was there and they were both looking for Garcia and were staying in different hotels. Smith wasn’t happy because he wasn’t able to get in touch with Gray, and Gray replied he was staying at the Marbury Hotel and not to use his name and Smith had him write it down. As Smith drove the car, Gray told Smith to get off at the next exit because they had a tan car two cars back that had been following them for a while. When Gray opened his hotel room door, a man jumped over the balcony railing to make a speedy getaway, so Gray ran went downstairs and took a cab to go to Georgetown Law School because the man got away from him and another man got in a cab behind Gray and followed him. Outside the law school was another protest with people wanting to keep their guns, and inside Gray told Darby to meet him by the stacks as he walked by her who was doing her research trying to figure out which law firm Garcia was from. Gray told Darby that someone broke into his hotel room and Smith Keen was the only person who knew where he was staying. In her hotel room, Darby impersonated a firm worker and called the Georgetown Law School placement office and told them she was Susan Johnson, a partner with White & Blazevich, and they were trying to reconstruct some payroll records and she wanted to know the names of the students that clerked there last summer. A little while later, Gray showed up at the placement office to pick up the envelope of the names and the lady asked him to sign for it as Mr. Steven because he said he was a representative of White & Blazevich (Reporters and their associate connections and shady sources need to be held accountable for breaking the law, endangering lives, and interfering with criminal investigations by tampering with evidence). While Darby called the numbers of the students on the list, Gray went to the receptionist and picked up the class schedules of two students telling her his real name from the Washington Herald and said he had some questions for them. Gray and Darby went through their list and asked students if they recognized the man in the picture who was Garcia that Gray had taken a picture of in the phonebooth. When Gray went back to ask for one more student from the school’s receptionist, she replied that one of the students Gray talked to called White & Blazevich who called the Dean and the Dean said there were no more class schedules for reporters. There was a male student listening in on the conversation who ran after Gray, and he said he knew Edward and that his parents took him out of school for a while and he was at Parklane Hospital being detoxified. Gray went to the hospital and asked the receptionist there to see Edward Linney, and he gave the receptionist his real information and she said that the law school didn’t run the hospital so he wouldn’t get to see Edward. Gray asked for the administrator and the receptionist left to find him while Darby snuck into the hospital and went to find Edward. The administrator told Gray that visitation was only allowed on the weekend, and then it was only to family as Darby found Edward’s room and knocked and went inside without waiting for a response. She showed a picture of Garcia to Edward, and he couldn’t remember the man’s name but he told her that the man worked in the oil and gas section on the 9th floor. Edward recalled the name was Morgan, and Darby thanked him and left and a security officer spotted her coming out of Edward’s room. She told the guard that she was visiting her brother Edward, and he came out of the room and confirmed Darby was his sister and told the officer to leave her alone. Downstairs, Gray stalled the administrator and discussed high healthcare costs with him until he saw Darby sneak around the stairwell out the door and Gray abruptly ended the conversation and left as well. As Darby drove the car, Gray looked in his notes and was able to identify attorney Curtis Morgan with oil and gas. This time, Darby wore dress clothes and went to White & Blazevich, where she introduced herself as Dorothy Blythe to see Curtis Morgan. The receptionist was a bit startled and told Darby to have a seat while the receptionist walked off hurriedly. A man then appeared behind Darby and asked what the nature of business was that she had with Morgan because he was dead and had been shot and mugged by street punks a week before. He added that his company had no record of a Dorothy Blythe ever making an appointment with Morgan. Security was called and they wanted identification from Darby, and after they told her to come with them because they had more questions for her she turned around and left immediately go get away from them and said she wanted to further business with them. As Darby ran into two more thugs in the parking garage, she got past them and jumped in Gray’s car and they stared after the car as Gray sped off with Darby upset telling Gray they killed Morgan. Gray pulled down a scary alley because Darby said she couldn’t breathe in the car because everybody was dying around her and she had a breakdown after she got out and Gray consoled her and told her everything would be okay. Gray talked to Smith and got the information that the story was run a week before in the paper and Gray got the address of the Morgan house. Darby rolled over in bed and told Gray she was going with him, but he responded that he wanted her to leave because he was deeply concerned for her safety. Gray told Darby he wanted her to reach age 25 so he didn’t want her to come along but she insisted on coming. They went to Morgan’s house, where his wife’s elderly dad answered the door and told them to get the hell out and he didn’t want to talk to them even after Gray explained that Morgan called him three times before his death and Gray didn’t think it was accidental. Gray left his number, and across the street were two undercover agents watching them including the man who chased Darby. They followed them back to the hotel, and in the middle of the night Mrs. Morgan ended up calling Gray and asked to meet with him. Gray was in a different room then Darby, so he left not telling her he was leaving and returned to the Morgan house. Mrs. Morgan and Gray discussed how Mrs. Morgan and her dad went to the lock box at the bank and looked at some of Curtis’s files and there was nothing unusual. She mentioned on Saturday going through her husband’s desk in their bedroom and noticed something unusual, which was a key to another lock box at Riggs Bank and the Morgans had never banked there. She hadn’t felt up to it to go check and see what was in the box, and Gray suggested she do that and said it could be a clue to who killed Curtis. At this point, it was unclear if Mrs. Morgan was working with the feds because she out of the blue called Gray and as they conversed the agents sat in a a car nearby listening on a recording device to the entire conversation. Mrs. Morgan repeated things Gray already said and wanted to be clear that he was stating specifically that he believed, when nobody else did, that her husband was killed because he knew information about the assassinations of the Justices. Mrs. Morgan said her daughter lost one parent and she didn’t want her to lose another, and Gray offered to check the lock box for Mrs. Morgan at the bank. She was hesitant because they wouldn’t give the information to anybody but Curtis’s wife, and Gray responded that he had a trustworthy female partner working with him and she (Darby) could use Mrs. Morgan’s identity. Mrs. Morgan said she had one condition and that was if Gray found anything that incriminated her husband in any way then he couldn’t use it and Gray gave his word. The next day, the two people followed Darby and Gray as they arrived at the bank. Another man drove a car into the parking garage and he searched for Gray’s car and found it. The man broke into the car using a jimmy to unlock the door and planted a bomb underneath the steering wheel. Darby gave her name as Sara Ann Morgan at 225 Willow Road, Bethesda to the female bank worker as another (crooked) woman came in behind Darby and wanted to rent a safety deposit box. The older female banker told her to have a seat and she would be right there, but after she left the room with Darby to go into the vault, the female suspect waited in the seat that Darby had sat in. The box was unlocked and the older lady went back to her office to help the other female, and there was a VHS and envelope with paperwork in it that Darby took out of the box. As Darby left, the other female got up from her chair and ingnored the bank lady and followed Darby out. Gray waited outside on the bank steps and walked with Darby to the parking garage to geth the car as the crooked female and her male companion followed them. Gray and Darby got in their car and didn’t’ turn it on but looked through the documents first, and Gray almost put the key in to start the ignition but Darby grabbed his hand and told him to listen to this about how Curtis worked for five years for White & Blazevich and then he worked for a client who was engaged in a lawsuit in south Louisiana. The client was Victor Mattiece who Curtis had never met and Mattiece was desperate to win the lawsuit. As Gray put the key in the ignition, Darby added that a partner named Sims Wakefield supervised the case for W & B. Morgan worked on a peripherated case and he took several files and documents that Wakefield left on his desk for him not related to the case. When Morgan got back to his own office, he found a handwritten memo on the bottom of the stack that he had accidentally taken it from Wakefield’s desk and a copy of the memo was attached to the affidavit. He copied the memo and left it under the files on his desk, and Reporter Gray said the next stop was the Washington Herald and started the car but it wasn’t working. Darby told Gray to stop and get out of the car because she knew that was exactly what happened with the same sound right before Thomas’s car blew up when she was talking to him from the street. They got out of the car and started running with Darby holding the evidence, and they couldn’t get through a door because it was locked. The crooked female started shooting at them, and they had to jump to a lower level because the female shooter was getting too close. She saw them hiding in the reflection of a rearview mirror and she was about to shoot them but a Doberman jumped part of the way out of the window and scared the crap out of the female and Darby and Gray ran because they were able to get inside the building through another door and run up the stairs. However, another agent then squealed around the corner in his car and headed straight for them driving like a maniac but he lost control and collided at a high speed another car and both exploded. In the next scene, an employee told Smith that there was a car explosion in the parking garage near the Riggs bank and the rental car involved came back registered to Gray. Smith said he hadn’t heard from Gray since the previous day and added he should never have let Gray continue on that story and the other employee wanted to know what story and Smith told him to find out anything else he could about the incident. Smith was going to make a few calls to figure out what happened with Gray, but then Darby and Gray came walking into his office. Gray introduced his boss Smith Keen to Darby Shaw, and he gave Smith the VHS and paperwork that Morgan had in his lock box. They watched the VHS in the newpaper reporter conference room with many other staff members, and in the video Morgan said this was his affidavit concerning a memo he found on his desk and trusted his wife to do what she would with it if anything happened to him. The memo was from Marty Velmano, a senior partner, and it was dated September 28th addressed to Wakefield and it read, “Sims, advise client research is complete. The bench will sit much softer if the old man is retired. The second retirement is a bit unusual. Jensen, of all people. Advise further that the pelican should arrive here in 4 years assuming other factors.” Morgan went on to say that right afterwards, Justices Rosenberg and Jensen was killed and Morgan firmly believed that it was the work of Mattiece and his associates. The memo didn’t mention Mattiece, but it referred to a client and Wakefield had no other clients, only Mattiece and no client had as much to gain from the new court as Mattiece. Morgan believed he was protecting his family by not telling anyone what he found and he said his wife would only see that video if he was gone so he would have failed and he apologized to his wife. Later on, reporter Gray called Marty and said he was running a story about Marty’s client Mattiece and his involvement in the deaths of the Justices. Marty replied that was great because they would sue Gray’s a** for the next 20 years and he would be named a defendant and Marty bragged about how Mattiece would then own the Washington Herald. Gray asked Marty if he had heard of the Pelican Brief because they had a copy of it as well as a copy of a memo Marty sent to Sims Wakefield in which Marty suggested his client’s position would be greatly improved by the removal of Rosenberg and Jensen from the court. Marty said they waited until after five in the afternoon to call him so they couldn’t do anything in the courts, and Gray told Marty he had no case and he knew it. Marty hung up the phone calling Gray a SOB. With Darby listening on another phone, reporter Gray called Coal and asked him if he read the Pelican Brief, and when he replied that he did Gray explained he was running a story that verified the facts set forth in the Brief. They also confirmed that Mattiece contributed over $4 million to the President’s last campaign, and Coal clarified it was $4,200,000, all through legal channels. Gray went on to say that they believed the White House tried to obstruct the FBI investigation into Mattiece and wanted Coal’s comment. Coal replied that the White House denied any direct or indirect involvement in any aspect of that investigation.Coal told Gray he must have received some bad information and hung up on him. Reporter Gray then called FBI Director Denton Voyles and told him that they were running a story on the murders of Rosenberg and Jensen in the morning and they were naming Mattiece, an oil speculator, and two of his lawyers. They believed the FBI knew about what happened but didn’t investigate at the urging of the White House and asked for Voyles’s comments, Voyles and another agent walked down the hall and went to Smith’s office and closed the door. Coal went into the security room with his personal key and watched a man enter the Oval Office as the President was training his dog and whispered something disturbing into the President’s ear. Gray Grantham and Darby Shaw were then called into the conference room to have a pow-wow with Smith and FBI Voyles. For the record, FBI Voyles had comments so Gray took out his recorder and recorded it. Voyles said he received the Pelican Brief two weeks before and on the same day he submitted it to the White House. It wasn’t considered high priority in the investigation until Gavin Verheek, Special Counsel to the Director, was found murdered in New Orleans. FBI Voyles said off the record, he would discuss if the White House interfered with the investigation of Mattiece so Gray shut the recorder off. Voyles said last Wednesday, the President asked him to ignore Victor Mattiece as a suspect, and in his words he asked Voyles to back off. Voyles had a tape, which he would allow no one to hear, unless the President first denied this, and the FBI Director added that there would be a grand jury by the noon the following day with quick indictments and they would find Mattiece. Voyles then asked for a few minutes alone with Darby, and she said she would be fine with that only if Gray stayed with her. The other two gentlemen left the room, and FBI Voyles asked what was next for Darby and she countered with a question about who killed Khamel. Voyles said off the record, Khamel was killed by a contract operative hired independently by the CIA. He went on to say the Brief scared Giminski more than the rest of them and he probably sent Rupert, the CIA agent, to trail Darby in part to watch her and in part to protect her. Voyles said he could help Darby and asked what she wanted, and she said she wanted to leave the country alone. Voyles said they would get her out of that building and put her on his personal plane and they would fly her anywhere she wanted so she could disappear but she must allow Voyles to contact her through Gray and only if it became urgently necessary. Darby said that was fine and she wanted nobody on the plane but her, Gray and the pilots and after takeoff Darby would instruct the pilot where to go. Voyles replied that pilot had to file a flight plan before he left, and Gray reminded Voyles that since he was the FBI Director he could get around that and the FBI Director made it all happen. They took off in the plane and landed in destination unknown. They got a copy of the Washington Herald front-page story written by Gray and Darby where the assassination plot was exposed and indictments in court killings were expected that day. Darby gave Gray a kiss on the cheek and walked to the cab waiting for her but then came back and gave Gray a big hug for all that he did for her. The next day, reporter Gray got his big break and famous interview on TV about his revealing the plot behind the assassinations of Rosenberg and Jensen. The newscaster told Gray that as of that moment, Victor Mattiece, the richest man in the country, had been indicted along with 4 aides and lawyers. Fletcher Coal, the President’s Chief of Staff, had resigned, and they were getting strong indications the President himself would not run again. They discussed Darby Shaw, the author of the Pelican Brief and wanted to know who she really was, and Gray didn’t want to answer and said that was a question for Darby herself as she was watching from a remote beachfront with a beautiful flower garden on the patio. The newscaster said speaking for the thousands of colleagues including himself who were dying to interview her, where was Darby Shaw. Gray replied that was also a question for Darby Shaw but he knew that she was not available to answer questions until the feeding frenzy stopped. Reporter Gray wouldn’t answer if he knew where Darby was or not, and the broadcaster tried to say that Darby Shaw was a figment of Gray’s imagination and that he created her form a lot of different sources. Just as people believed there was no Deep Throat (Nixon Watergate scandal in 1972), people believed there was no Darby Shaw. Gray said that Darby Shaw was almost too good to be true. This movie had a budget of $45 million budget and grossed over $195 million at the box office. 


  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/14/23

TITLE: Ghost in the Family 

BOX OFFICE RATED: NR (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2018 ITN Distribution/Creative Lexington Production/CL Film Project

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with a man named Tom watching home videos of his ex-wife and daughter as he drank hard liquor and looked at a foreclosure notice on his home. Drunken Tom then called his daughter, but after she answered the phone, her mom took the phone from her and hung up. Tom went upstairs with a rope in hand and left behind a suicide note for someone to find, but he just couldn’t hang himself and dropped the rope. Tom then poured some of his alcohol on a picture of his brother because his brother was out of the picture as well and didn’t give him any life advice. Tom finished off the bottle and tried to stumble down the long flight of stairs but then he didn’t make it because he fell and died instantly but soon after woke up as a ghost. He went to the kitchen and was disturbed by all the loud electronic noises and shut them off, and then he discovered his dead body at the bottom of the stairs. The doorbell rang, so Tom answered it. The female barged in and identified herself as Angie, the District Ghost Manager. She confirmed he was dead and gave him a pamphlet to read about suicide because it was a tough discussion and she assumed he threw himself down the stairs and she had never seen any make that choice before. Angie found the accidental suicide note and didn’t believe Tom when he said he accidentally fell down the stairs and he wasn’t trying to commit suicide and didn’t throw himself down the stairs. Angie then told Tom that he would be forced to stay where he committed the suicide until his trial to determine whether he was going to heaven or hell. She went on to say they kept records on his life and afterlife and currently he had a deficit in the bad mark column. Tom said it was purgatory and the Catholics were right, and Angie corrected him that it was more of a house arrest for a few thousand years. She warned him to stay away from human contact because hauntings resulted in bad marks and he needed to find a place in the house away from humans as Angie’s HAZMAT suit wearing cleanup crew was in the house cleaning up the death scene. Angie wanted Tom to sign a document, terms of agreement, and he hurriedly signed it because Angie said she had no time for his hesitation since her clients just kept dying. Wildcat Moving came to pack up the house, and Tom quickly gathered a few personal items and put them in boxes so he could take them to his hiding place in the attic. After his wife, daughter and another man came to the house and left, Tom’s dead little brother Jerry ghost showed up at the house with beers. Jerry explained how the dead world worked where they could still eat, drink, sleep and go to the bathroom if the ghost wanted to and even carry things around like a camcorder, and also occasionally be visible in pictures and videos. Ghosts got the one pair of clothes they died in, and if they tried to use other people’s clothes they would just float around and freak people out and they couldn’t go around naked because those were the rules. Jerry had his freedom because he didn’t kill himself, but because Tom chose suicide, he was stuck in that house and had no freedom to wander aimlessly like Jerry. It was explained that ghosts were basically just invisible and it was nothing like the Hollywood movies because the ghosts couldn’t walk through walls and they were in their own parallel universe. After a few hours of tossing empty beer cans that he drank and tennis balls around his room, Tom was bored out of his mind. By this time, Tom had stacks of Goodfellas Pizzeria boxes and dozens of beer cans that he slept on because Jerry kept bringing him those things from the outside world. As the realtor showed a family Tom’s house, the young daughter was able to see Tom, and then the realtor disclosed to the parents that the previous owner killed himself in the house. The father said they weren’t going to find another house like that in their price range and there was no way they were going back to the old house and live there since there were some skeletons in that closet and he talked his wife into purchasing Tom’s house as their daughter wandered around the house alone. The dad, Albert, mentioned the country club was nearby for him and the house had an old world charm feel and tried to persuade his wife, Karen, to agree to buy it. She reluctantly agreed with no enthusiasm. Wildcat Moving then moved the new family into the house. Jerry came up behind Tom while Tom gave himself a pep talk as Tom stared at his reflection in the mirror. Tom told his little brother that he was going to try his darndest to get into heaven and change his fate by helping the new Stevens family because it seemed they had trouble with their family. Jerry called the family a rich, upper class, suburban, white family and didn’t believe they could be helped with their problems. Tom told Jerry he thought the daughter, Sara Beth, could see him and that would help, and he added that if he was already going to hell what difference would a few bad marks make, but if he succeeded then he hit the jackpot. Albert, an attorney, had his issues with his hot head temper and when he had to come home to his family, all he wanted to do was drink in front of the loud TV and not help or communicate with his wife or daughter. Karen was frustrated that her husband ignored her while he was home. Another day, Karen used her camera to take a family photo on the couch at their new home. The timer didn’t go off on the camera so Tom ran over and tried to help but he ended up almost making the tripod fall over so Karen went and reset it. As Karen looked at her photos on the computer, she noticed a strange man’s partial face (Tom) in one of the photos and heard clattering upstairs in the attic. In the neighborhood as Sara Beth walked home from school, two mean kids came up behind her and made hateful comments about the way she walked and her clothes and hair calling her a weirdo and laughing. Sara Beth heard noises upstairs when she came inside and went to check it out. The young girl spotted Tom dancing to funky music. She called Tom out by saying she knew he was real and he was surprised that Sara Beth could see and hear him. Sara Beth asked where the other guy was, and Tom replied that his was little brother Jerry and he didn’t know what he did during the day. Sara Beth said she had been able to see dead people ever since her brother Jonathan died, and she said some spirits were not nice while others were good. Tom said he was like Casper and she didn’t have to worry about him and they made a pinky promise about it. In Sara Beth’s bedroom, the adult male ghost and Sara Beth played action figures and she picked a terrorist as her figure and Tom said that was a little dark. Sara Beth replied that she and Jonathan used to play agents and terrorists (hopefully not when Jonathon died when the two siblings swam alone together unsupervised). Karen came to check on Sara Beth because she was being loud, and she replied that she was playing alone by herself with action figures and would do her homework later. Sara Beth told Tom that her dad used to help her with homework, but not anymore and Tom didn’t understand the math they were teaching today so he wanted to look in the back of the book for answers. Albert later came home and turned on the TV to block out his wife because he didn’t want to discuss work or have a conversation at all with her. The TV then had white noise on it because Tom tampered with it and flung the picture of Jonathan, Sara Beth and their mom on the floor. Albert, who wasn’t doing well on the cases assigned to him, especially the Red Oak Group vs. TA case, received an email from his boss, Antu Radhakrishnan, at Mullrad Law telling Albert that he had not been replying in a timely manner and rescheduled client meetings on short notices and his job performance was negatively impacting the firm. Instead of telling his wife about it, Albert closed his laptop and went to bed. Tom got up in the middle of the night and sat in Albert’s chair to watch TV, and then Albert came downstairs and shut the TV off. Tom went back upstairs and Jerry was in his room and wanted to get drunk. Another night, Karen tried to talk to her husband about the strange things going on around the house and Sara Beth acting up, and Albert wanted nothing to do with it and didn’t like his wife interrupting his TV time. Tom shut the TV off when Albert told his wife it was a girl thing and they hadn’t adjusted to the house yet, and Albert barked at Karen for shutting the TV off. After a second time of the TV going off after Albert fixed it, he lost his temper and was about to break the TV but Karen calmed him down and he said it was an old house and did strange things because he didn’t want to get into the possibility of ghosts. Albert said all he wanted to do was watch the game and told his wife she was talking about a crazy thing for thinking that the house was haunted, and Al still didn’t want to have a civil conversation so Karen went upstairs to bed. In the middle of the night, Sara Beth came into her parents’ room freaking them out and wanted to talk about how Jonathan looked scared when he died. Sara Beth told her parents she was her afraid. The next day Karen called a mental doctor and made an appointment for her daughter. The prognosis was given over the phone by the doctor that everybody dealt with grief differently, and Al didn’t want to incur any medical costs by taking her in and thought they were able to help their child get through the loss as a family but Karen didn’t think that her husband took the mental health of their family seriously. Al argued that he didn’t need to pay a boatload of money to a shrink to tell him his daughter was grieving. Karen stormed out of the room then and couldn’t believe her husband threw the death of their son in her face. Obviously, Karen felt guilt over not watching her children as they swam alone together. Later on, Karen went to check on Sara Beth and listened to her explain who was in her drawing and she said the people in the picture were mom, dad, Jonathan, Sara Beth and Tom. Sara Beth said Tom lived with them at the house too. In the middle of the night when Sara Beth couldn’t sleep again, but this time she went and visited Tom instead of her parents and he told her he was reading The Cleansers comic book and that he started reading that when he was about her age and told her she could borrow it but she had to bring it back. Sara Beth admitted what was really bothering her and it was the doctor’s visit from earlier that day when they talked about Jonathan and her brother’s drowning death and asked a lot of questions. Tom said life and death weren’t much different but you just find different ways to pass the time. Tom added that death was like a boring little League baseball game and it didn’t hurt and you didn’t feel a thing. Before Sara Beth left the room, she gave Tom a hug and took his comic book and left. The next day, Karen found The Cleansers comic book on Sara Beth’s desk, and after school she asked her daughter where she got the comic and Sara Beth said Tom gave it to her and confirmed that it was not a friend from school. Sara Beth later asked her parents if she could have a friend named Tom over for dinner, and Al thought it was a friend for school and then he stormed out of the room using Jesus Christ’s name in vain because Sara Beth said Tom wasn’t an imaginary friend and he lived in their house. Tom was in the room too and he then knocked something over so he could leave footprints made out of food on the floor. Karen called her husband back into the kitchen and he saw it with his own eyes too. Sara Beth researched it and Al apologized to Karen because she was right. The family called Father Benjamin, who was actually a seriously disturbed weirdo who seemed to live out of his white van. Father Benjamin put a robe on over his bloodstained shirt and added his Jesus socks to his wardrobe before he went inside (on the front lawn Father Benjamin had guzzeled from a liquor bottle before going inside) with a rosary in hand. Father Benjamin creepily told Karen as he introduced himself at the door that the pleasure was all his. He promised to have the house removed of all evil by the following day, and upstairs he was laughingly calling out that the power of Christ compelled you as he swigged some more alcohol from a canteen. While Father Benjamin sat and read an American Made magazine, he screamed because he actually did see a ghost (Tom) and took Jesus’ name in vain and ran down the stairs out the door and basically told the family as he left that they were basically on their own. The next day, Al and Karen watched Franklin Poindexter’s show on TV talking about how to get rid of ghosts and Karen told Al that they should hire Franklin because he was the only paranormal expert in their area. When Frank arrived at the house, Frank explained that he saw the movie Ghostbusters when he was six years old and after that he knew he wanted to be a paranormal expert. Frank then told the parents that Sara Beth was a medium and could communicate with ghosts like Tom. Frank asked if Sara Beth had any near-death experiences and Karen replied that Sara Beth saw her brother drown and she tried to save him. Frank said that the daughter was special and had been given a gift, whereas other people might think she was weird. Frank, who had never been able to see or hear ghosts before, ended up having a long interview with Tom and was able to see him because he showed himself and Frank asked Tom questions. Karen sent Al to check on Frank since Frank had been upstairs in the attic for hours. Al dragged Frank away from Tom because Al didn’t see Tom in the attic and told Frank that he was being paid by the hour. Al sat Frank on the couch to discuss what Frank saw. Al said he didn’t hire Frank to be Jay Leno and produce the Tonight Show in the attic. Frank gave the family his SCD Spirit Communication Device that he invented (that Frank had used to communicate with Tom in the attic already) and told the parents they could use it to talk and hear Tom too as well as see the ghost as long as they recorded their conversations with Tom and he asked them for them to do that at least one hour a day. The wireless transmitter would transmit the footage to Frank’s computer at his mom’s house (his office). After Frank left the house, Sara Beth took Karen upstairs wearing the SCD headgear and introduced her mom to Tom. Karen invited Tom to dinner with the family that night, and during that dinner Karen wore the eye goggles contraption. Tom said he was born in that house and had lived there his whole life, and Karen basically had to repeat her conversation with Tom to Al. After dinner, Al put the SCD on and had a beer with Tom and told him that he was in hot water because when he was working on a contract for a client Al went out to lunch and had too much to drink and went back to work and screwed up the paperwork and his wife didn’t know anything about it. Tom shared a similar story saying that when he was doing construction work, he let the boss’s dog out of the cage and it was a cute little Pomeranian and it ended up dying in the concrete that was being poured on the job site. The wife of Tom’s boss had a memorial set up on their front lawn with the concrete statue of the dog and then Tom and Al laughed hysterically at it, and needless to say, Tom got fired that very day. Tom said he had a wife but she ended up taking their daughter away and they left and he added he was an idiot when he was alive. Tom went on to say that he died because he was drunk and fell down the stairs but nobody believed that it was an accident because he left a suicide note behind. The next morning, with Tom wearing a floral apron he cooked breakfast for everyone. Karen and Al thanked Tom and he said he used to make breakfast every morning for his little girl. As Tom helped Karen clean the house, she confided in him that she sometimes thought about whether or not she made the right decision with her great family path because she had wanted to be an actress and tried it one time in LA. She had a few small parts but then got a lot of rejections and was never quite right for the big star lead role and moved back home. Tom told her not to take it for granted because he would give anything to have his family again, and Karen said Tom was now part of the family. Karen set up the camera so they could take an early family holiday photo that included Tom. Another day, Al came home from work and found his wife and daughter and a floating apron having a tea party and didn’t want to join in and went outside. Al received a call from Susan who had a buyer lined up as she stood next to a Bluegrass realtor sign and all they had to do was finish the paperwork. Tom was on one side of the bed another time with Sara Beth in the middle and Karen was on the other side with Tom asleep while the girls read one of the comic books. Later on, Jerry told his brother that he was the family dog, and Tom corrected him and said he was more like an uncle. Jerry tried to bring up the fact that Karen was hot so maybe Tom could zone in on her in that way. As Tom was fixing the kitchen sink, Al came home from work drunk and Karen wanted to know why her husband was drunk at 5:00 p.m. in the afternoon and he passed it off as nothing saying he just had a couple of drinks with his clients. At the dinner table, Sara Beth explained The Cleansers comic book, where the villain’s name was Victor and when he got destroyed the order was restored and Tom said that was one of his favorite issues. The conversation was interrupted because Al got a call and Karen didn’t want him to answer it at dinner so he erupted and told Karen that all she did was stay home and clean the house and hang out with a ghost. Al added that they were moving Sunday and to start packing up their stuff, and while Al and Karen stormed out of the room, Tom whispered to Sara Beth that grown-ups said things all the time just like kids and it didn’t mean anything. Al said he had to get a new job and was starting on Monday, and he was the one who paid the bills around there and she just needed to go along with whatever he chose to do. Karen asked Al since he was never home anyway what was moving going to change and relocating wouldn’t make him a better father or husband. Al asked his wife if she was there for Jonathan, and she ran out of the room. Later on, Karen told Tom that Al blamed her for the death of their son and everything else and she broke down in tears and said she should have been watching the kids better while they were swimming and Jonathan might still be alive. Jerry then snuck into the house with some beers. Jerry put his beer down and left the house so Tom could continue talking to crying Karen. Al sat on the stairs and couldn’t hear Tom tell Karen that Al needed her to stand by him. In the middle of the night, Al went and apologized to Tom for what he said at dinner. Tom replied that Al was a stand-up guy for providing for his family and all, but at the end of the day there were a thousand guys who would love to be in his shoes and be married to Karen because she was a prize. Tom told Al that his family needed him to actually be present and not just somebody to clean up after. As Tom helped Karen pack the boxes, he told her that what was inside was just stuff but family was everything. As the family said their goodbyes to the ghost in their house, Tom told Sara Beth to keep the comic book. Karen told Tom they left their mailing address in case he wanted to write. Al thanked Tom as he walked out the door with his family. Frank later came back to the house to collect the SCD that was left behind. Frank wore his new and improved prototype (ghost communicater and recording device) and planned to mass produce them and sell them for $399.99 plus tax. Tom told Frank there was some kind of force field keeping him there and he couldn’t move with the family even if he wanted to. Meanwhile, Karen and Al went out on a date and hired a teenage babysitter for Sara Beth. The two dead brothers then got in a spat because Jerry didn’t want to hear about all of Edgar Allen Poe Tom’s feelings and suggested Tom write them all down in poetry. Another day, Karen consoled her daughter because Sara Beth was sad. As Jerry was dreaming about Martha Washington, the doorbell rang so Tom went to get it and it was Al and Frank. Frank had The Human Convertor 9000 headgear he invented for Tom to wear so he could leave the house and join Al’s family. However, Tom said they made him sign a contract so he still couldn’t leave. Al asked to see the contract and said there was always a loophole and told Tom to trust him because he was a damn good lawyer. That was when Frank saw Jerry and they hit it off. Tom told Al he signed the contract right after he died and everything was fuzzy at the time. Al replied that the contract was worthless because Tom wasn’t of sound mind when he signed it. Tom then put the device on and was able to successfully step across the threshold and walk outside with the other guys. Angie’s assistant in his HAZMAT attire informed her that Tom escaped to Cincinnati, and she said nobody ever escaped her. Angela teleported to Al and Karen’s house in Cincinnati, and Frank, Tom and Jerry ate at the table with the Stevens family. Angie smacked the ghost brothers in the back of the head and said the cat and mouse were up to their usual antics. Angie didn’t want to sit down to dinner like Tom invited her to and told him to be quiet and not make things worse because they had to wipe the memories of the Stevens family. Al spoke up and said he was Tom’s attorney, and Angie replied that it wasn’t his courtroom and he was outside of his skill set. Al said that Tom wasn’t in sound mind when he was forced to sign the document, he didn’t have an attorney present and he wasn’t allowed to finish the document. Angie said it wouldn’t hold up in her courtroom, and Al replied she hadn’t ever seen an attorney like him. Sara Beth stood up in her chair and got in Angie’s face telling her to screw her agreement and Angie backed off and called the girl a feisty little sh… On their devices they all recorded Angie telling everyone that she admitted that Tom didn’t have time to read the agreement that he signed and she should have given him more time to do that right after he died and she admitted that he wasn’t in sound mind. Al chimed in that video evidence held up in a court of law. Frank said if Angie tried to take one of the devices or succeed in breaking all the devices, she would owe him about $400 per device. Frank said it wouldn’t matter anyway because the footage was being transmitted to his home computer, copied on multiple drives and it was on the “Cloud” storage network. Angie changed her tune and said she would move Tom’s arrest to the new house and everybody was onboard with that. Later on, Al had a new contract for Angie and Tom to sign. Tom and Angie signed it with Al as a witness.  Angie told Tom to consider himself in good company and he might have a chance of getting into heaven after all but of course that was out of her pay grade. Tom told Angie there was one more thing, and then in the next scene he and Al went to Tom’s ex-wife’s house to speak to her and Tom’s daughter. The ex wife and daughter wore the goggles so they could communicate with Tom and tell him goodbye. In the end, Frank was able to mass-produce his goggles and got a TV commercial to help sell them. The movie ended with the Stevens family (wearing their goggles except for Sara Beth) happily eating around the table with the two adult ghost brothers. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/13/23

TITLE: Top Secret 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1984 Paramount Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in East Germany with a British agent named Cedric searching for Dr. Paul Flammond, a scientist being held captive at the Flurgendorf prison by the East German High Command that forced the genius man to build a nuclear weapon called the Polaris Mine. There was a traitor within Cedric’s organization so he was discovered on the Berlin Express and forced to jump off the train. The High Command was going to find and kill Cedric, and they doubled Dr. Flammond’s guard. They also planned to use the cultural festival as a distraction so the people’s attention would be on the performers who were guests at the festival and they wouldn’t suspect anything. At General Streck’s request, the Soviets sent their tenor Vladimir Biletnikov, but Leonard Bernstein the American had to cancel so Nick Rivers, an American rock singer and chart-topper, took Leonard’s place. Meanwhile back in the USA, a large group of boys surfed and shot off (while surfing) their guns at plates in the air (and one ended up shooting an airplane down) while their bikini-clad girlfriends cheered and partied to one of Nick’s hits, and then all the beach couples made out on top of each other on their towels. Nick Rivers, Stevie Wonder, Linda Ronstadt, and Frank Sinatra performed at Madison Square Garden Center, and then Nick headed to East Germany with his manager, Martin, to represent America as an ambassador would at the multi-country cultural festival. Upon arrival at the train station, Colonel von Horst did not welcome Nick and Martin warmly, and they even witnessed a man being shot and killed after the military dogs jumped up on him trying to get at the bag he was holding. After the man was dead, it turned out the bag was filled with dog biscuits. The Colonel told Nick that he was only there because it served the German purposes, and he advised Nick and Martin to keep to their own affairs during their stay or else. The keys to the city were presented to Nick and the other festival guests by the East German Women’s Olympic Team, which were actually burly men dressed like women in white Olympic shirts with red crosses on white shirts, red skirts and female wigs (men pretending to be women just so they could win the games). Cedric was given a ticket to the ballet that night at the festival, where Madam Bergerone and her ballet company would perform and Cedric would meet with the leader of the French Resistance, Nigel (The Torch). The East Germans then sang their anthem and said it was the land they would regret and no one should try to escape because no matter if they tunneled under or took a running jump at the wall, the guards would kill them if the electric fence didn’t first. Hillary Flammond took a letter addressed to the Publishers Clearing House and gave it to a man telling him to deliver it to New York, but as she was leaving the man was shot and died right after he used his lighter to set the letter on fire. Hillary tried to go to the party at the hotel, but the man with the list gave her a hard time because wasn’t a guest of the social festival. Nick jumped up and said Hillary was with him, and they danced and she introduced herself as Hillary, because Hillary is a German name that meant “she whose bosoms defy gravity.” Nick went up onstage and performed a song instead of Vladimir performing. Hillary attended the Tchaikovsky ballet, where first the women performed in their pink tutus and then the men came onstage wearing white shirts and tights with insanely large pineapple-shaped bulges in the front of their tights in the male area. Nick witnessed a gun being pulled on Hillary and a man (Sergeant Kruger) leading her away, so Nick came to her rescue and got the gun away from Kruger, who fell over the railing and ruined the ballet. Hillary and Nick ran off, and she tried to convince him to come with her without explaining what was going on, but Nick told her to go ahead and she escaped out a window. Nick was convinced that the Germans couldn’t do anything to him because he was a guest of the government (diplomatic immunity), but then the German soldiers broke down the door with their guns and locked Nick in a cell at the Flurgendrof Prison. After twenty minutes, Martin appeared and told Nick that he called several embassies and consulates but just couldn’t bring his wife to orgasm. Nick said that was a shame and pulled out a box from underneath his jail cell bench that contained The Anal Intruder and gave it to Martin. Martin said he would try it and then opened the box and inspected and assembled the sex toy as Nick told him what happened at the ballet. Martin told Nick to relax and there was nothing to worry about because the concert would be beamed live to 85 countries and it was likely the soldiers would let him out of jail to perform. Nick followed a priest reading a Bible into another room, where the priest was put in a torture chair by the German soldiers and Nick witnessed the priest being electrocuted to death which showed him what would happen if he didn’t cooperate and didn’t follow their strict German Communist regimen. The Colonel wanted to know why Nick attacked Kruger, and Nick said he didn’t know who that was and he just stopped a guy who pulled a gun on a girl. Nick was informed that the penalty for murder was death by a firing squad, and the Germans were going to hope for Nick’s sake that Kruger survived his fall over the railing. General Streck then received a call from the hospital confirming that Kruger was dead, so Streck introduced Nick to his two associates, Bruno and Klaus, who would carry out the torture sessions. Streck went on to say that Martin must not have known that in East Germany they used 220-volt current because Martin was found in his hotel room impaled upon a large electrical device (the anal device) and it took the surgeons two hours to get the smile off his face. Nick spat in Streck’s face, and he told von Hurst to make sure Bruno and Klaus left no marks. The two German hired thugs then beat and whipped Nick, but he still wouldn’t give in so he was put back in his cell for the night and the torture would begin again the following day. Nick went through several grates and vents in his cell, all of which were dead ends except for one that led to the laboratory of Dr. Flammond. He said he was also a prisoner and explained that a year before, he was close to perfecting the first magnetic desalinization process which was capable of removing the salt from over 500 million gallons of seawater a day. That would have meant a lot to the starving nations of the world, but then the secret police broke into Dr. Flammond’s house and brought him to that dungeon after separating him from his family and ransacking his lab. The Germans would kill Dr. Flammond’s daughter Hillary if he didn’t finish the Polaris Mine (a magnetic mine which would be armed with a nuclear warhead and would attract itself to submarines miles away) weapon by Sunday, the same day the entire NATO submarine fleet would pass through the Straits of Gibraltar. Dr. Flammond showed Nick the day on the Acme Lab Equipment calendar, which featured an image of a female who was bare-breasted down to her belly. Dr. Flammond and Nick were caught, and Streck later informed von Horst that Nick’s execution would have to wait because he needed to perform at the concert that night. During Nick’s performance, he pulled a pair of underwear out of the front of his pants and threw it to the crowd, and the screaming female who caught it was ecstatic. Nick also called up a young girl on stage and touched her romantically, but then she fainted so he had a dramatic performance about how he couldn’t face another day without his honey lamb. He pretended to put a noose around his neck and put his head in a hot oven, but the backup singers pulled him away. Hillary then rescued Nick, and once they were far away she explained that a year before, she was teaching a course on Black History at the University of Blaupunkt. When she came home one night, she discovered that her dad had been arrested by the secret police and she had been trying to find him ever since. Nick explained that Dr. Flammond was at the prison, so he and Hillary planned to go to the Swedish bookstore, owned by Sven Jorgensen, to meet with Nigel (Resistance leader). The German soldiers then appeared, so Nick and Hillary started making out passionately like the other couples in the park and the soldiers took no notice and walked right by them. Hillary and Nick were given a room in the bookshop to stay in for the night and then meet with Nigel the following day. Hillary told Nick that when she was a child, her uncle took her on a tropical cruise, but the boat sank during a storm and Hillary and Nigel swam to a deserted island. They built a house and lived there for many years together, and because there was no one to explain the romantic feelings they had for each other in their teenage years, they had heavy petting sessions and experimented. Nigel then disappeared while fishing and never came back, and a ship eventually rescued Hillary. Nick said that when he was six years old, his mom took him to Macy’s to go shopping and he got lost and never saw his mom again because the employees couldn’t get ahold of her. Macy’s Cosmetic Department fed Nick for weeks, and Nick said that he even helped out in Preteen Maternity. He got started singing and playing the guitar when Macy’s needed a jingle for a radio ad. Nick played the Macy’s jingle for Hillary, and then they started making out and rolling around on the floor. The next day, Hillary and Nick stowed away in the back of a large hay wagon (with a little pony pulling it) and were dropped off at a potato farm. Albert Potato took them into the house, where they met Nigel and the Resistance leaders who held their guns and weapons on them. Nick offered up the information he had about Dr. Flammond, and after the Resistance arranged for Nick’s transportation across the border that night, Nigel went into another room to speak privately with Hillary. Nigel explained that he was picked up by a freighter and tried to tell them to go back and rescue Hillary, but they didn’t understand English because it was a foreign ship. Nigel’s yelling and shouting only excited the people on the ship more, and he claimed that they took advantage of him in ways he couldn’t describe. A Resistance member standing near Nick coughed something up into his hands, and then he jumped through a glass window screaming. Another member, Chocolate Mousse, told Nick to go ahead and take a swig of a bottle out the counter. Nick spat out the contents, and Chocolate Mousse (the same man who ate his cigar) laughed and explained that it was gasoline and then he guzzled some of it. The German soldiers then appeared and fired their machine guns at the building, and all the Resistance members (and Nick and Hillary) fired their guns through the window at the soldiers. One man jumped on top of a grenade and it exploded around him without harming him, and when the remaining soldiers forced their way into the house, Chocolate Mousse shot them all dead with his machine gun. They went to the pizza parlor that night and discussed how they wanted Nick to stay with them because he was the only one who knew the inside of the prison. Latrine, covered in blood, appeared with a dead carrier pigeon that had been going to the German headquarters. The message the pigeon carried was that the Resistance planned to free Flammond on Sunday, and Nigel said that meant the traitor was one of their own and he suspected it was Nick and asked how did they know he was not Mel Torme. Nick proved that he was who he said he was by doing an Elvis-style performance that got everyone dancing on the tables. Later that night, everyone parachuted out of a plane, and as they were going down and Hillary told Nick that Nigel begged her to stay with him and she had to, but she wished she didn’t love Nick so much and they kissed. They arrived outside the prison the next day, and they went over their plan where Nigel and Du Quois would dress up in a female cow costume and mingle with the cowherd to get past the gate. They would then separate from the herd and shut off the power inside the generator building while Nick led the others to Flammond’s cell by having two of them pose as soldiers who arrested Nick, while Hillary operated the getaway vehicle, a stolen truck. Before they reached the shed, a calf came and started nursing from the cow costume, and Nigel was in the back of the costume and made groaning noises. After turning off the power, Nigel the traitor, held a gun to Du Quois’s back and told him to turn the power back on, which would set off the alarm and trap the others. They walked back to the shed as a bull came up behind them and mounted what appeared to be a female cow but was actually two men dressed in a cow costume. Nick and the others freed Dr. Flammond and sent him on his way to a plane that would take him to safety. Latrine, now even more bloody, informed his comrades that Nigel took Hillary as his hostage. Nick went after the truck through the field on a motorcycle, and he and Nigel fought each other through the window with Nick standing on the motorcycle. They both fell off the bridge and finished their fight underwater with Nick emerging as the Victor. Hillary stopped the truck, and when she saw Nick emerge from the water, her chest started glowing weirdly through her shirt. Hillary and Nick made it just in time to the plane, and Nick was happy to see her dad. Hillary said that she didn’t want to go and wanted to stay and help the Resistance. They told her it was too dangerous for her in Germany and she needed to leave with Nick. Hillary eventually agreed and said she wanted that more than anything so she and Nick kissed. This movie had a budget of $8.5 to $9 million budget and grossed over $20 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/12/23

TITLE: The Four Feathers 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2002 (Sept.) Paramount Pictures/Miramax Films/Jaffilms Production/Buena Vista International/High Command Productions Limited 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with these words on the screen “By 1884 over a quarter of the earth’s surface had been conquered by the British Army. There was no greater honor for a young man than to fight for Queen and Country. Those that refused the call to arms brought shame and humiliation on their friends and families. The symbol of their disgrace was the white feather of cowardice…” The scene moved on to a violent and bloody game of British rugby that ended with a fistfight, and afterwards they celebrated in the men’s locker room showing the men’s bare butts. The men then dressed up in their Redcoats and went to a formal dance, where Harry Faversham’s fiancée, Ethne Eutace, used her makeup to match Jack Durrance’s that he got during the game (Harry wanted to appear rough and tough like Jack). Harry and Ethne kissed, and then Ethne stood up on the ledge and Jack went up there to stop her but ended up dancing with her because Harry wouldn’t. Harry wanted Ethne to get down and be safe. General Faversham (Harry’s dad) asked Ethne to dance and she said it was her pleasure since Harry wouldn’t dance with her. The dance was interrupted when the “lords, ladies and gentlemen” were addressed (as though the lords were not considered gentlemen). The General made a speech about how the British army didn’t always see active duty on the battlefield but were still will to lay down their lives for their country, and for that he saluted the Royal Cumbrians. The General then announced Harry and Ethne’s upcoming marriage, and jealous Jack glared at the happy couple as they kissed and danced. The next day, the regimen practiced on their battlefield stabbing at the dummies with their small swords attached to their guns. At dinner, Colonel Hamilton interrupted with a priest next to him and announced that an army of Muhammadan fanatics under the command of their self-proclaimed messiah, the Mahdi, had attacked a British fortress in the Sudan. The British were slaughtered in the ensuing battle, and as a result several regiments including the Royal Cumbrians would be dispatched to the Sudan within the week. The Colonel congratulated the soldiers because the British government finally decided to send their soldiers to war, but Harry wasn’t happy with his role in the British declaration then and so he didn’t cheer along. The priest said that God endowed the British race with a worldwide empire that they may execute His sovereign purpose in the world and he ended his speech with God save the queen. Harry later had a chat with Jack and questioned why the queen of England had such an interest in the godforsaken land of the Sudan. Jack said he was scared but he was going because all the men would be going but most especially, because Harry was going. Lieutenant Harry then went to Colonel Hamilton and gave him papers for Harry to resign his commission, and Hamilton replied that he expected the Lieutenant to speak to his father before resigning. Harry replied that wasn’t his dad’s decision, so Hamilton yelled at Harry that he wasn’t going to accept the resignation because they were about to ship off to war and none of his men were going to desert their responsibilities and set a bad example for the others. Hamilton added that as far as he was concerned, Harry was never at his office and he could thank his father for that. Harry wouldn’t take his papers back and repeated his request, and Hamilton kept the paperwork and told Harry to leave the barracks immediately because Hamilton accepted Harry’s resignation from royal duties then. Harry walked out of the barracks in plain clothes and handed some paperwork to the guard at the gate. Inside the horse stable, the men discussed how Harry had just got engaged and wanted to resign because of that, but Tom Willoughby said it was because Harry was a coward and Jack wasn’t happy to hear it and told Tom to say that to Harry’s face. After Tom told Jack that Harry was a disgrace to the regiment, Jack attacked Tom physically and corrected the big mouth that Harry was the best soldier in the regiment. Things got under control quickly and it was said that Harry was friend to all of them but he left their backs exposed and didn’t even care to tell them, and Jack walked away saying Harry would be there to fight. In the small church where Ethne wanted to have the wedding, Harry told Ethne that he left the army because he didn’t want to wait a year or more to get married when she was his main priority and he wanted them to be together.He was interrupted because a soldier came into the church and delivered a small package, and Harry opened it and three white feathers fell onto the floor with business cards with the names of Tom Willoughby, Edward Castleton, and William Trench. Ethne wanted to know if that was a joke as she picked up the feathers and cards, and Harry replied that they were feathers of cowardice and explained that the day before they were told their regiment would be shipping out to the Sudan war. That led to a heated argument between the happy couple where Harry shouted that his resignation had nothing to do with Ethne because he never wanted to join the army in the first place but did it for his father. Ethne reminded Harry that Jack would give his life for Harry and it wasn’t just about himself and it was his responsibility to go back and be with the regiment and he could use his engagement as an excuse for his resignation and they needed to know nothing about the real reason. Ethne called Harry a coward because he said he never would have gone to war for anyone or anything. The village people had a parade to send off the troop, and one soldier started reading from a list that they needed to avoid local water, spirits, barrooms and brothels and to remember they were a Christian soldier which someone in the crowd gave to him by accident and the soldier handed it off to Vicar because he thought it was for the Vicar and not himself. Harry went to speak to his father to wish him well before he left, and the General replied that he didn’t know Harry (disowned his son) and left. Later on, Harry listened to the updates of how the British attacked the City of Korti and how there were British casualties in the Sudan. Harry went and read the list of killed and wounded officers with the other British regulars. Meanwhile, Jack’s regimen on camels came across what seemed to be a deserted town where one woman walked by in black with her masked face. They joked about the water being poisoned, so they were caught off guard and attacked by a lone gunman. The British chased after the shooter and cornered him, and he was a black man who refused to put down his gun. The many white British soldiers held their guns on the one black man and tried to communicate with him to put his gun down but the black man looked around like he didn’t understand the British troops and hadn’t done anything wrong while a crowd of onlookers stood by watching the performance. The black man put another cartridge into his gun as Jack told him not to, and none of the tribes people would help translate for the man to put his gun down, and instead the black man raised his gun and was going to shoot Jack first by aiming at him but Jack shot the black man dead first. The tribal kids then started picking up rocks and pelting them at the Redcoats so they retreated as the women wailed. Back in England, Colonel Sutch came to see Harry and he said that he needed to do something otherwise people would always remember him as a feather and that was how he would always see himself as a coward. The Colonel asked Harry who gave him the fourth feather, and Harry replied that it was Ethne. Jack then headed for enemy territory without the Brit army guise to be a spy and wrote a letter to Ethne asking for her forgiveness for the shame he brought her and she went and checked on him and found his rented room vacant. Harry paid and bribed his way to get to the British camp at Korti after he reached Sudan, and the man he went to see after Harry paid him cash, told Harry that he needed to not only speak Arabic but look like an Arab as well because if the Mahdi’s men found Harry he was as good as dead. The man said he was taking a caravan of whores up to Korti the following week and that would be a good time for Harry to tag along. At the British campsite, Hamilton informed Jack that he and some other officers were going to get some free time for their small victories in Sudan and go to London to convince Parliament and the public opinion that it was time the government ordered them out of Korti to rescue General Gordon. Jack didn’t want to go, but Hamilton said he was a hero and he deserved to have a short leave and Jack added he didn’t think they had fought long enough to have heroes in the campaign. Along the caravan journey on camel back, one of the African-American females started tribal singing and the smuggler man in charge told Harry that the women were actually princesses from their tribe and the man couldn’t believe that the savages had royalty. He added that the British soldiers paid that man three dirham an hour for the women and it was very profitable and worth the trip. When they stopped for water, one of the females talked in a different language to the smuggler man and the ungodly man took his whip out and started beating the tribal woman with it but Harry jumped in and saved the female from further physical abuse. Later on at the campfire, the smuggler disrespected the woman more and told Harry the Brits tried to come there with their Christian values but because the slave women in his custody were like children and would do anything for money as he handed the female prisoner a coin and she took it. Harry awoke in the night to see the black man and the black female having sex and he silently watched, and then afterwards the female got up and put the coin next to the sleeping smuggler and grabbed a huge rock and bashed his head multiple times and Harry did nothing to stop it. The black man was going to kill Harry with a rock as well, but the female in charge wouldn’t let her black male companion she just had sex with do that because Harry helped her earlier. The next morning, the black people took off on their camels in the desert. Later on, Harry woke up with a bloody head with blood on the rocks but a camel was left for him and rode his camel through the desert all dazed and confused from his injury. He tied himself to the camel so in case he fell off he would be dragged. Harry did fall, and then he used his knife to cut a wound in the camel’s side and drink some of its blood when he got back on his feet. The camel walked away then bleeding and no longer attached to Harry, and Harry collapsed to the ground and lay in the sand. A tribesman named Abou Fatma found Harry and brought him to a nearby village. Harry woke up in one of their beds and found his white four feathers that he was afraid he lost and then the locals gave him some clothes to wear and dressed him up to look like one of them. As it turned out, Jack and his regimen were there in the village, and Harry was put in a line and one of the British soldiers didn’t recognize him in his garb and because he had strong teeth he was assigned to baggage porter which was pulling large military equipment hauling it uphill through the sand wherever they traveled as the Redcoats instructed but the slaved people were whipped if they didn’t do what they were told by the Brits. Harry still did not reveal his true self to his fellow British soldiers and kept his disguise and identity a secret to spy on them. Jack ended up going to London to speak with Ethne in the audience smiling at him and looking on in favor as he spoke about not needing more reinforcements in Sudan but the government to give an order so they could route the enemy and preserve the dignity of their British Empire. Jack and Ethne had a private conversation afterwards where it ended with him saying he would write to her since neither of them had heard from Harry for a while. Jack and Ethne exchanged what appeared to be romantic letters after Jack returned to Sudan. Harry received a warning by the tribesmen that they were watching him because they didn’t trust the outsider Harry. Abou Fatma then sat down next to Harry and introduced himself to Harry, and Harry introduced himself as Vedu while Abou said he was a former scout for General Hicks. Abou warned Harry that there were many in the camp that served Mahdi, and when they found out there was a British man among them they would kill Harry. Abou said he warned Harry because he wanted money from him, but Harry said he couldn’t pay Abou and then asked him what the white feather in his hair was for. Abou replied it was the first time he killed a man and then held up his bracelet and said that was five men he killed and then he showed Harry his necklace he carried and Abou said he would wear the necklace after he killed ten men. Abou added that he was a good soldier and would protect Harry. Another day, the Redcoats came across a dead man in the village and wanted to know who did, and then Abou appeared above carrying a stick on his shoulders and wearing his necklace confirming to Harry that he killed his tenth man. Abou later asked Harry why a British spy was hiding from his own soldiers, and Harry responded he wasn’t a spy. As Jack and his regimen friends sat around inside a tent, they had Jack read a part of a letter from Ethne that he rarely put down and reread when he had alone time, and it was then that the friends found out that Jack was going to ask Ethne to marry him. It took a minute or two for the men to congratulate their boss and mask their shock. During a desert sandstorm, one of Mahdi’s men inside the camp took off on a camel and met up with three other Mahdi men who were waiting for him on top of the hill and Abou identified them to Harry as Mahdi. One Brit soldier was notified that Harry and Abou were leaving camp to go after the other guy to find out the location of Mahdi camp and the Brit soldier in charge was told that Harry and Abou were deserters so the Redcoat went after them. The Corporal shot a couple of rounds at the backs of the deserters, and Harry turned around and that was when his friend recognized him and told the man to cease his fire and he let Harry go. As they made camp, Harry told Abou that he was going after the Mahdi spies to help his British troops win their war. Harry later admitted to Abou that he deserted the British army, and Harry said he was afraid to fight so he ran away from his responsibilities. That was when Abou laughed because he found Harry half dead crossing the desert by himself and couldn’t believe that Harry was afraid of anything. Abou told Harry that he was protecting Harry because God put him in Abou’s way and Abou had no other choice than to protect Harry. Harry then joked that Abou must have done something terrible to offend God if Abou had to protect an Englishman who was a Christian and then they spent the rest of the night trying to laugh like a gay Englishman. Harry and Abou followed the Mahdi spies to Abou Clea…the British fort. Inside the fort was a dead British soldier hung, and Abou told Harry that the fort had been taken over the Mahdi. Harry replied that the fort was the place that Jack’s regiment was on their way to. Harry was pushed and shoved by one of the Mahdi leaders, and led led away so Harry told Abou to go warn his friends. It seemed Abou moved freely amongst the Mahdi. Harry was led into a torture chamber and saw a bunch of dead bodies of British soldiers with the Mahdi leaders wearing their Redcoats. Harry was given a Redcoat from a dead soldier to wear so then he could be part of the trickery of making the regiment think the Mahdi people were other British soldiers coming to the rescue. Jack’s regiment came across slaughtered people in the desert with dogs running around their dead bodies. William got off his horse and fired shots at the dog to scare them away from eating the corpses, and then the regiments dug graves and buried the people putting crosses as markers. Abou then showed up in the regiment camp and the man in charge didn’t believe him and said a British regiment would never fall to the Mahdi savages. Abou wouldn’t say what British officer sent him and was told not to speak another word of English or he would be in a grave if he did. Another British officer grabbed ahold of Abou and told him that one of the men they were burying was a British officer and told Abou to lick up every drop of blood off the dead man’s body and shoved his face into it. As Abou fought to get free of the soldier that pinned him and the lead officer Tom ordered for Abou to be taken away, Abou said in English that the Muslims always buried their dead; even their enemy dead and the bodies had been left there for a reason and that was to trap the Redcoats. Tom didn’t want to report what happened to his superior, Hamilton, and walked away from his friends that did. Later on, Abou was strapped to a pole and whipped in front of the regiment. As Vicar prayed to God for help in defeating the enemy, thousands of Muslims were praying to Allah. The regiment then spotted people coming on camels so Hamilton called for the soldiers to form a line. Bayonets were put in place and British officer Hamilton ordered for the soldiers to fire on the people and camels before they even made it close to the camp to be identified. One soldier said the people weren’t armed, but Hamilton dismissed it and told the soldiers to keep firing. As all of the stranger men lay dead on the ground and the camels they rode wandered around them, Hamilton dismissed the firing squad. It turned out that was a Muslim war strategy meant as a distraction because then many war cries could be heard, and the British soldiers formed a square. Vicar cut Abou free because he knew then that Abou had tried to warn them and told the truth all along as hundreds of ground runners, horses and camels came at the small number of British troops. Abou never told them that Harry was the officer who sent him to warn them. The Brits then realized they were being attacked from behind and all directions and angles by thousands to England’s hundred or so army of all men. Next what Jack and Co thought were the British Cavalry arrived as they heard their bugles blow to alert the Mahdi enemy and saw that the Mahdi surrounding them were retreating. The British soldiers then broke their square and went after the enemy ground runners. However, enemy people emerged from underneath their hidden sand places, as they were completely covered and hidden prior to that moment close by the British camp, and those bloodthirsty Mahdi terrorists attacked the British soldiers by slicing the horses open with their swords so the soldiers would fall off and then be easier to kill. Harry, who hurried on horseback to get to the front of the fake British calvary, shouted that they were the Mahdi and not the British even though they were dressed in the Redcoats of the British soldiers they had already killed to warn his British friends. Jack shot Harry’s horse and he fell off as he tried to tell the soldiers to get back because the Mahdi were going to slaughter the British while wearing their British clothing. Hamilton ordered for everyone to form another square, but Vicar (Castleton) didn’t go back to the square and ended up getting shot. Hamilton yelled to close the square a little too late, and then he was shot off his horse. When Jack fired his gun, the sparks went into his eyes, so Harry went ballistic and started killing a bunch of Mahdi men while Tom called for retreat. Abou walked the battlefield after the fight was over with Harry carrying Jack on his back. Harry found the letters from Ethne in Jack’s jacket and started reading them, and then he told Abou that he was a fool forever thinking that he could go back home and he couldn’t now that Harry read the letters and believed that Jack and Ethne loved each other. Jack then woke up and was blind, and Harry consoled him without speaking to Jack so Jack didn’t know it was Harry. Jack was sent back to England and was reunited with Ethne, and she went to ask the General’s advice (Harry’s dad) about how she should answer Jack’s marriage proposal. The General replied that Jack was a good man, and when Ethne asked the General if he heard anything from Harry, the General replied that he didn’t he would ever hear anything from him again. Over several weeks, Jack figured out how to ride a horse without help and overcome some of his blindness challenges, and with the help from Ethne. Tom returned to England and he was now captain. Tom said he saw Harry in the Sudan, and there was a flashback of Harry approaching Tom after the battle and Harry said he sent a man (Abou) to warn them but Tom had Abou tortured for his pains of bringing the message instead of believing Abou that the enemy was coming. Harry then showed Tom the feathers that they gave to him that labeled Harry a coward and he kept them when when his friends were the ones who were cowards for not listening to the warning that Harry sent them. Harry asked Tom for some money and then left. Harry needed the money because he thought William Trench was one of the soldiers captured and needed the bribe money to buy William’s freedom, since the Brit’s army planned on leaving William with the Mahdi to rot away in their bloody prison. Jack told Tom not to tell Ethne that Harry was alive or dead until he knew for sure which one because Jack and her were not yet married. Meanwhile, Abou and Harry listened in on one of the Sudan celebrations. Abou told Harry that William was taken to Omdurman a month before, which was after the British army abandoned their own POWs. Abou said the shame was no longer Harry’s and Harry was responsible for himself and God only and that what happened was on the British. Abou said he would not help Harry get inside the prison where they might be keeping William because Abou didn’t want to be responsible for Harry’s death. Harry replied that it was God’s will if he died, and Abou agreed to help Harry and added that the English walked too proudly on earth and called Harry his friend a fool. In the next scene, Harry was thrown into the prison with hundreds of others and he searched for William and he fought his way through the crowd and Harry eventually found William. Harry told William that the army didn’t send him, but William sent him to rescue him out of prison and Harry handed William back his white feather. Harry told William he brought a hundred in money and then the prisoners were put to work. The British men discussed the crooked Mahdi they could bribe because some weren’t bribeable (one of the guard’s whole family was wiped out by the British and but another guard might take the money and help them escape and stab them in the back after he took the money.)Later on, William collapsed to the ground, and the Mahdi guard told Harrythat he already received money from William to help Harry escape because William was soon to be dead and Harry could stick around and rot with William, so be it but otherwise he needed to get ready. Harry and others watched someone try to escape, but he was hunted down and shot by three men on horseback. At eating time, Harry fought the others for food so the black guard (family killed by the Brits) grabbed Harry and threw him on the ground away from the others and kicked him hard in the ribs. Harry spoke in tribal language and asked the black master for food and groveled at his feet but the man kicked him off and walked away. Abou then appeared and Harry started crying, and Abou gave Harry food as he sent a warning look to the other black man and dirty Harry inhaled the food. Abou said he had some money, but Harry said he couldn’t use it because he couldn’t bribe the guards anymore and he had nothing left to lose or live for yet he was still frightened. Abou passed a small container of liquid substance to Harry (think Romeo and Juliet poison scene) and told him fear always remained, and Harry asked Abou to pray for him. Harry said he didn’t walk too proudly now and kissed Abou’s hands and then ran off to bring the rest of the food to William and told him that he looked better. William told Harry he didn’t think he could take prison anymore and wasn’t sure he wanted to get through it, and then Harry said Abou visited them today and brought them a (liquid) gift. Harry explained that the poison would take a few hours to work and they wouldn’t feel any pain and they both shared the poison drink that Abou made for them that would make them appear temporarily dead. The next day, the guards checked for dead people and reminded each other to make sure they were dead and then throw them into the pit and that was when they found Harry and William amongst the others who looked dead because of the poison. William and Harry were flung over on top of the other dead bodies, and the crooked Mahdi guard (playing both sides) who took the money told the hate-filled black guard (whose family was killed by the Brits) who wouldn’t give Harry food that both of the British prisoners were dead. The Mahdi soldier thought it was odd that both Brits were dead on the same day so he got up and called the other guard an idiot. When the black Mahdi guard went to check the bodies of the Brist, he discovered they were different people wearing William and Harry’s clothes in the pit. Abou ran while Harry and William rode on the back of a camel, but then William fell off because his legs were still paralyzed and he couldn’t feel them yet. Harry had feeling in his body parts and was able to walk. But, then Mahdi prison soldiers came over the hill on horseback and started shooting at them. Abou carried William and they and Harry hid behind a rock. Since they only had one bullet in the gun, Harry told Abou to save his friend William because Abou was the only one who could carry him until the poison wore off while Harry ran off to distract the madmen. With the one bullet he had, Harry downed one of the four men as Abou ran off with William on his back to safety. However, two of the horsemen went after Abou and it looked like Abou was shot in the back and went down with a dramatic flare, and Harry appeared to be shot too and ran from the third horseman. It turned out Abou had only pretended to be shot because he was standing on a hill and rolled down it out of sight of the horsemen and then buried himself in the sand (as the Mahdi soldiers had done) so he could jump up and grab a gun away from one of them and shoot the other with it at close range. The raging hate-filled Mahdi black guard attacked Harry, and he pushed Harry’s head into the sand trying to smother him after giving Harry a brutal beating. Harry gave the black guard a head butt to the face and fought back, and then Harry picked up a sharp rock as they tumbled down the sand dune and stabbed the other man with it in the heart. Abou came because he heard Harry’s screams and pulled him off the dead man. Later on, Abou parted ways with Harry and William and told them that now Abou would do whatever God had chosen for him. Back in England, Harry went to the church and found Ethne praying and she asked for her white feather back and Harry gave it to his love. He said he was almost sorry to let it go because it brought him a lot of luck over the past few months and that was the last of the four feathers because Harry helped all the people who gave him the feathers as best he could while being his undercover self. Ethne tearfully assured Harry that he would meet somebody and then the four of them, Jack and her and Harry and his new girl, would sit together and have tea as though Ethne and Harry were never an item madly in love with one anther before. Ethne told Harry that it had to happen because she loved him and she didn’t want Harry to be alone. Later on, Jack and Harry had a drink and it was discussed that Ethne made up her own mind about who she wanted to be with and Harry told Jack that he needed to make up his own mind about what he wanted. Blind Jack poured himself another drink but knocked the letters on the table onto the floor on purpose so that Harry would bend down in front of him to pick them up. As Harry knelt before Jack, it looked like a romantic scene between the two men as Jack lovingly felt Harry’s face and held onto it. Jack then took the love letters from Harry and walked over to where went to sit across the room to sit beside Harry. The men drank to Castleton and all the others they left behind in their British war, and then they discussed Ethne then and how it was always Harry that she had eyes for in the crowd even though Jack was the better soldier. Jack said nothing had changed and then asked Harry if Ethne was still as beautiful as she was before, and Harry replied yes. Jack went outside to the carriage where Ethne was waiting and they had a private conversation as Harry watched from the window. With the large British flag being taken down, Jack gave a speech about the war and the loss of the men who fought in it, and he added that all that was left were the memories of the men who fought side by side one another in the bloody war if they were lucky enough to return to their country. Harry met up with his dad for the first time since he left, and the British General welcomed his son Harry back home. Ethne then walked with Harry and begged for his forgiveness because she didn’t stand by him, and he told Ethne that now he had no choice because God put her in his way and Harry took his love’s hand and walked away with his sweetheart because Ethne and Jack were no longer a together. The movie ended with Abou riding a white camel off into the desert sunset. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Richard Roeper, Ebert & Roeper, “Spectacular…lavish and exciting…thumbs up!” and Gene Shalit, Today Show, “A rousing, panoramic adventure on a grand scale.” This movie had a $35 million budget and grossed over $29 million at the box office. 

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/11/23

TITLE: Whatever It Takes 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG-13 (This movie is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2000 Columbia Tristar Home Entertainment/Phoenix Pictures

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie began with high school seniors Ryan Woodman and his best friend and neighbor, Maggie Carter, going to school together and headed to the auditorium. Popular Ashley Grant, Ryan’s long-time crush, glanced back at him where she sat in front, right before Ryan’s school nurse mom, Katie, wheeled out a giant model of a male penis to instruct safe sex class and demonstrated to the Gilmore High School students how to put a condom over the model. Later on, one of Ryan’s friends, Floyd, hoped to be the next Virgil Doolittle (rebel bad boy at school) because back in Doolittle’s high school day, Doolittle got expelled for stealing the neck off the Gilmore statue outside school and he became a legend. Dolittle was also arrested for mayhem and went to prison, and Floyd wanted to do something like that because he thought it was super cool and nobody cared that Doolittle served time because it had been 21 years and he lived on. Maggie and Ryan agreed to go to prom together per Maggie’s suggestion. Ryan told Floyd what happened and said everything would go smoothly because he knew everything there was to know about Maggie and it would be like kissing his sister, to which Floyd replied that wasn’t a bad thing in some parts of the world. Floyd then took Ryan to see the school’s adult maintenance employee who was given $20 or more in cash payments from the students to sneak them into the women’s bathroom through the maintenance area on school grounds so the male students could watch the girls take showers. It turned out the admission price was only for one person, so Floyd sent Ryan in and the school’s maintenance man said he would deny everything about letting Ryan inside and added that Ryan was on his own if he got caught. Ryan got a quick glimpse of Ashley going into the shower, and when he came out another door inside the school, Chris was waiting for Ryan to ask him about Maggie. Ryan said that Maggie wasn’t Chris’s type, and Chris replied that neither was Ashley Ryan’s type, but Chris could hook Ryan up with Ashley if Ryan agreed to help Chris get a date with Maggie. Chris used Ryan’s mom’s (Katie) school nurse office computer to send an email addressed to Ashley from her secret admirer Brian (Ryan) saying that he saw her in the hall with her stuck-up friends and he noticed that she changed her hairstyle and she should ask him before she changed it again. Chris said it would work because all the guys in school said nice things to Ashley to Ryan needed to be different and stand out. Ryan sent poetry to Maggie from Chris, and then with everyone calling him Brian now, Ryan was invited to a teen drinking party at Ashley’s house (where one student was unable to move or speak because their entire bodies were duct-taped and so was his mouth). Ryan convinced Maggie to go with him. Ashley wore a nude dress showing her bra and underwear underneath to all present (to get the constant attention from the crowd she sickly craved). It was then that Ryan confirmed to Ashley that he was Brian who sent her that email so Ashley threw her drink on him. Chris asked Maggie if the poetry he sent her made her feel hot, and she didn’t even know him and thought that was pretty freaky so she walked away. Ryan then came over and said he saw Chris groping Maggie, and Maggie wouldn’t like any of Ryan’s poetry since she volunteered at a nursing home, for God’s sake. Chris thought working at an elderly facility was gross and said that chicks dig a-holes, and he used Stu and Harris as an example. Stu and Harris were setting off fireworks around the females inside the house and tried to impress them. Chris added that those boys were going to have sex that night because the females dug it, even though they were screaming and slapping the boys. Chris asked Ryan if he wanted Ashley or not, and when he replied he did Chris shoved Ryan and he tripped and knocked Ashley into the pool. Chris told Ryan that he was now in the game, and Ashley called Ryan an a-hole. Floyd got an idea from what Chris said, so he went and lit a bunch of firecrackers around three girls in hopes they would dig it, but it just burned holes in their dresses so they went and told some jocks to go take care of Floyd and he did a quick disappearing act. Maggie left, and Chris gave Ryan some more advice that he needed to be a “special,” guy for Ashley and Chris would help Ryan do that if in exchange he helped Chris be that guy for Maggie. Later that night, Ryan convinced Maggie to send her soul quiz to Chris, which asked about movies, books and music. Ryan told Chris he would be a new man if he could pass it, and then Ryan keyed in the answers for Chris to make it appear as if he liked the same things Maggie liked (Nine Stories by Salinger, The Beastie Boys, the Eels, Cheap Trick, Stripes, Casablanca, and anything by Monty Python). Maggie couldn’t believe it and thought Chris was gorgeous, and when she asked Ryan what she should do he convinced her to go double-dating with Chris as Chris tried to talk Ashley into doing the same thing with Ryan. At the school pool, Floyd took pictures of two girls in bikinis because he was convinced they wanted him, and they called him a doofus and walked away. Maggie backed out at the last minute and called Chris to tell him, but before she could Ryan called her and told her that her mom fell down the stairs (Ryan and Maggie were next door neighbors and their bedrooms had balconies that were close enough for the two to talk and see one another without phones) so Ryan could call Chris and tell Chris what to say to Maggie. She hung up on Chris to go check on her mom, but it was just a distraction so Ryan could call Chris and give him advice. Chris pulled a mirror out of a drawer on his dresser, which was printed with an image of a female in a sexy pink lingerie bikini so every time he opened one of the drawers it was like he was touching the female in her private part frontal area. Ryan told Chris that he was depressed, his grades were bad, and his father was on dope, but Ryan was corrected that Chris’s dad played pro football. Chris added to his list reasons to kick Brian’s butt (1: saying Chris’s dad was on crack, 2: saying Chris was dumb, and 3: saying Chris was conceited). Accidentally Chris connected a three-way call when Maggie called back, so Chris decided to be quiet while Ryan took over and changed his voice to sound like Chris using his professional music equipment in his bedroom. Ryan talked to Maggie in a way that she would relate to by telling her nice things only he would know about her, and he managed to convince her to go through with the double date. Ryan was happy about going out with Ashley, so he played his accordion in his room shirtless in a cowboy hat and boxer shorts. The foursome went to the carnival, where Ashley wanted to go on one of the fast rides but drinks weren’t allowed so she guzzled her entire drink in one gulp and then went on the ride with Ryan. Ashley ended up vomiting all over Ryan on their ride, and Chris refused to give Ryan his shirt saying he would get cold. Ryan was forced to buy a tight-fitting Furby half shirt (which appeared to be a kids’ shirt), and when he returned to the group he discovered that Chris gave his shirt to Maggie because she was cold. Ryan took the advice that Chris gave him earlier and bashed Ashley’s clothing thinking she would like that, and she told him to shut up. Maggie tried to ask Chris about her favorite things that he supposedly had in common with her, and Chris (not knowing or caring what Ryan wrote in the email soul quiz answers) quickly changed the subject. As Ryan and Maggie were being dropped off, Ashley didn’t want to kiss Ryan so she sucked on his finger instead in a sexy way. The next day at school, the girls watched as Ryan was pummeled with ruffian touch football. Chris took care of it to make sure Ryan got the touchdown, and then he sent one of the big guys to tackle Ryan to the ground afterwards for a bigger emphasis. Ashley jumped up and said the other player cheated, and she told Ryan to pick her up the next morning. Ryan then set Chris up working at the nursing home to impress Maggie, and when she was headed toward them Ryan hid behind the curtain to eavesdrop. The elderly man on that side of the room tried to give Ryan his bedpan because he thought Ryan was volunteering, but the pee ended up spilling all over and Ryan shushed the old man in bed. Chris told Maggie that he sometimes liked to come and take care of the sickly and old and asked Maggie if she thought that was gay, and she replied no and it was actually nice. Miss Simms another elderly person then wanted Chris to take her to the bathroom instead of Maggie, so Chris carried her into the bathroom in a very awkward way. Chris then offered to give Maggie a ride home (the elderly man’s suggestion). She replied that she had to go to the school theater, and Ryan told Chris that was a great idea and Chris said that he would go and then hoped nobody would see him at the uncool school theater. Hopefully…the kids told someone that Miss Simms was in the bathroom and they didn’t leave her there without help returning to her bed, as there were no professional adult staff employees around. With Ryan hiding out of Maggie’s sight at the theater and telling Chris what to say, Maggie asked Chris why he was interested in her because they didn’t really mix. Chris told Maggie that she was beautiful in a way different than everyone else, and then they kissed and Ryan wasn’t happy about it. Floyd wanted to take a hooker, either Taylor or Cinnamon, to the prom as his escorts, but his buddies told him that was out of the question. The next day at school in the cafeteria in front of her girlfriends and others, Ashley blew off the date that she and Ryan had that night until he agreed to call his geeky friends a bunch of derogatory names and the others joined in bashing Floyd and Cosmo. Later on, at a fancy restaurant, Ashley tried to rub Ryan’s private parts with her foot under the table, but she ended up kicking him in his private parts because the waiter came and started her and Ryan had a tearful breakdown at the table. After the waiter left, Ashley scooted closer to Ryan and put her arm around him said, “let mama rub it.”Meanwhile, at a party where Maggie and Chris hung out, two boys pulled down their pants and exposed their full rear nudity to the teenage girls who were drinking at a park by the beach. Maggie obviously didn’t want to be there, so she and Chris headed to the movie theater where they kissed. Ashley took Ryan into her bedroom at her house and, acting sexy, showed him the new thong underwear she bought that day and offered to model it for him. She took a shower first and and clearly had invited Ryan to join her in the shower. Ryan immediately undressed and wrapped a towel around his waist and walked to the shower. However, when he opened the shower door Ashley screamed and hurried to cover herself with her hands shrieking at Ryan to get out because she wasn’t serious about him taking a shower with her. Ryan went and waited on the bed with a towel wrapped around his waist, and when Ashley came out of the shower wearing her short bathrobe, she sat next to Ryan and put her bare feet in his lap. Ryan noticed a really bad rash on Ashley’s feet and was worried it was contagious and might spread to his private parts under the towel where she had her feet resting. Ashley then got on top of Ryan on the bed and they made out, and after she took her bathrobe off she started talking about Maggie and Chris and wondered if they were doing the same thing Ashley and Ryan were about to do. Ashley added that it wouldn’t be long before Chris dumped Maggie like he did with all the other girls, and then Ashley looked down at Ryan and suggested they do it another time because he wasn’t turned on so Ashley got off him and put her robe back on. The next day at school, Ryan went and talked to Chris. Chris said that Maggie was coming around and he wouldn’t tell Ryan anymore about their relationship and he got it from there. He walked away. Ryan was still disturbed by what wicked Ashley said and he wasn’t happy with Ryan’s abrupt answer and didn’t want his best friend Maggie to get hurt. While Ashley and Ryan ate out, Ashley called over the waitress Miranda (who knew Ashley because they went to Gilmore) and told her that the cake was terrible, after Ashley hogged down the entire thing. Miranda said she would pay for the cake out of her own pocket instead of getting the manager, and as she walked away Ashley called Miranda a loser and a fat little round waitress. Ryan asked why Miranda was a loser, and Ashley replied that she just was and a tiger couldn’t change her spots. Ashley had an crazy outburst then and asked Ryan to tell her what could make Miranda a winner, and then she put on a whiny staged drama scene and stood up in her chair and told everyone that she loved the cake when she truly only loved the attention. Ryan then stormed out of the restaurant giving fake Ashley $10 (five for the cake, five to get a clue) with her yelling dramatically after him that she loved Brian Ryan. Outside school, Ryan confronted Chris, who planned to do the nail and bail at prom, and told him that Maggie would never sleep with him because she was better than that. Chris replied that Maggie used to be until Ryan stepped in and changed it all. During baseball practice, Ryan was mad and swung his bat so the ball hit the coach in the private parts. Ryan told him to “walk it off,” like the coach always told his students to do after they got hit hard by his baseballs. Maggie showed Ryan the pink prom dress she bought, and when she asked if Chris would like it Ryan confessed that he helped Chris get together with Maggie so Chris would help Ryan get together with Ashley. Ryan admitted that he had feelings for Maggie and was the one who told her she was beautiful, not Chris because nothing smart or sincere ever came out of his mouth. Maggie didn’t believe Ryan and called him a pathetic liar thinking he was just trying to break her and Chris up since it didn’t work out with Ashley. Theatrical Ashley camped herself in a beach chair outside Ryan’s house until he came outside and agreed to take her to prom. Ryan told Ashley to go home but before she left, Ashley undid her wrap and flashed Ryan as she only had on her bikini. Ashley (in her blue dress) and Ryan in his dress attire went to school for prom, where Miranda wanted Ashley to sign her yearbook. Ashley charged Miranda $20 for her signature, and Miranda was happy to pay for it. But, Ashley dragged Ryan away before Miranda could come back. Cosmo couldn’t get a date, so he convinced an adult female who brought her young 5 or 6-year-old daughter too, to go to prom, and be his date. Ashley went to the bathroom to fix her makeup, and Ryan’s mom danced with Ryan for a minute to remind Ryan where his heart was…with Maggie. Chris knew that Ryan was watching him dance with Maggie, so Chris started sucking Maggie’s neck and Ryan ran off. He broke into the music room and got an accordion to play Maggie’s favorite song for her, and she teared up while Ashley and her girlfriends stormed off. Because the prom was Titanic-themed and the room was above the gym, Floyd broke into the control room and turned the dancefloor into the pool. The floor opened up and people started falling into the water, and when Ashley fell she called for Ryan to help her, but instead Ryan jumped into the pool to get to the other side and chase after Maggie who was leaving with Chris. The first responders showed up, and Ryan told the police that Floyd caused the mayhem (because he wanted to be like Doolittle and even the girls thought Floyd was hot after that and gossiped about how they heard he slept with the school nurse and his father was in prison) so the officers tackled Floyd to the ground and arrested him, but then one officer said he would handle it from there and drove Floyd into the woods instead of bringing him to the police station. The officer took Floyd out of handcuffs and told him not to move while the officer grabbed a shovel out of his car. Floyd spent his time digging up a sack out of the ground, and then the officer pinned his name tag to the bag and gave it to Floyd telling him he should really think about his future. The officer put his shovel back in his car, and then Floyd noticed that the name tag said Virgil Doolittle, county sheriff. Dozens of teens (some now wearing their boxer shorts and bras and underwear) were dropped off at the local hotel after school prom to check into their rooms and they drank openly and hung out and partied in the hotel hallway by their rented rooms. Ryan and Ashley checked into their room, and he left saying he was getting champagne when he was actually going to find Maggie before she regretted her mistake. Once outside the room, Ryan flung his hotel key card on the floor that Ashley gave him and walked away because he didn’t plan on coming back. Later on, another boy picked up the room card and decided to use it to unlock Ashley’s room, and with the lights off she called out for him (who she thought was Ryan) not to say a word and just have her, so the other boy entered the room and no doubt did just that.In their hotel room, Maggie told Chris that night was important to her and she told him to lie on the bed and make himself comfortable. Chris took his pants off and revealed what was probably a thong, and then Maggie tied Chris to the bed at all four corners saying she learned the knots in summer camp and poured oil on him. She rubbed the oil in and blindfolded Chris and asked him questions to determine his true character to see if he was acting like a different person during their time together or really was being himself. It came out that Chris was totally a fraud and couldn’t answer the “soul” questions that he supposedly already answered on the quiz. As he laid tied to the bed in his string bikini underwear, socks and bowtie, Maggie asked Chris how it felt to be played and then stuffed something into his mouth and got up to leave because she didn’t like the way he played her. Maggie took an instant photo of Chris for his prom picture was he was on the bed, and then she left the hotel room with the door open and gave Ashley’s friends the photo and told the girls to tell all their friends and do what they wanted with fake Chris. Ryan made it to Chris’s room and saw that Maggie was already gone but witnessed the other girl students drawing symbols and words all over Chris’s bare body parts using lipstick, as some male students watched inside the room too. Ryan left without helping Chris or saying he was there (Chris still in his blindfold). Back in his neighborhood at home, Ryan went to Maggie’s room. Maggie was upset that Ryan lied to her and made her feel like she belonged with Chris, and he replied that she belonged with him. Maggie agreed and said he owed her for the things she did for him by letting him off the hook, and then she and Ryan kissed. Meanwhile, inside the sack that Floyd dug up was the neck from the Gilmore statue in front of the high school because Doolittle wanted Floyd to put it back since he knew it was wrong that he stole it. Floyd ended up reattaching the neck but decided to put it on backwards. This movie had a budget of $32 million and grossed $9 million at the box office. The following was listed on the movie cover art: Ralph Garman with KROQ-Radio, “A Great Romantic Teen Comedy” and Susan Young with Oakland Tribune, “A fun flick!”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/10/23

TITLE: The Last Airbender 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2010 Paramount Pictures/Nickelodeon Movies/Blinding Edge Pictures/Kennedy Marshall Company 

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in a land with Four Nations (Air, Water, Earth and Fire), where select individuals could bend those elements. The Avatar was the one person who could bend all four elements, keep peace among the tribes, and communicate with the Spirit World. The Avatar had been reincarnated as different people over the course of many decades, and he just disappeared one hundred years ago. 14-year-old Katara and her 15-year-old brother Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe had to feed themselves by hunting because their father was in the war and their mother, Kya, was captured and killed by the Fire Nation years before. Kya was a waterbender, and now that she was gone. Katara was the last waterbender in the Southern tribe. Katara and Sokka found a sphere of ice that she chipped away. A beam of light shot up in the sky. Trapped inside the ice was a young boy named Aang, and Appa, Anng’s flying bison, were now free. The kids took Aang to their village, where he explained that he was a runaway from his home at the Southern Air temple with the monks because he was upset with them, but now he wanted to go back home. Aang said that he and Appa left during a storm and were forced into the ocean where they almost drowned, but Aang, an airbender, used his power to create a sphere to protect them and he couldn’t remember anything after that. The Fire Nation, enemy of all tribes, spotted the beam of light and showed up with weaponry. On the warship was Prince Zuko, the 16-year-old son of Fire Lord Ozai who disowned him after Zuko was challenged to a fight against Ozai and refused to fight. Ozai burned his son’s face with fire to teach him a lesson, and then he exiled Zuko and wouldn’t allow him to return home until he found the Avatar. Because the Avatar had only ever been in the form of an older human, the Fire Nation soldiers gathered together all the elderly tribe members. However, because none of them bore the face and back tattoos of the Avatar, the elderly were dismissed and Zuko and his uncle, General Iroh (Ozai’s older brother), took Aang onto their ship to perform a test since he had strange airbending tattoos. Zuko threatened to burn down the village if Aang didn’t come, so Aang consented because he didn’t want anyone to get hurt. Iroh told Aang that he would be released after the test, but since he was the only person who passed the test, Iroh and Zuko knew that Aang was the Avatar, who this time was reincarnated in the form of a 12-year-old boy who could (but hadn’t yet learned anything but airbending) bend all four elements so they planned to take him to the Fire Nation. Katara thought that Aang was she and Sokka’s responsibility and they needed to rescue him. The siblings’ grandmother, Kanna, was convinced that Aang was the Avatar and explained that the Fire Nation was frightened by the existence of the Avatar because they didn’t want to live by the Spirits. Kanna believed that Aang would use his mastery of the four elements to change hearts since all wars were won in the heart. Aang used his powers to escape from the warship just as Katara and Sokka appeared on Appa. Aang took them to the Southern Air Temple, where he couldn’t wait to see his monk friends again but was very upset when he discovered that the prayer field was filled with the bones and skeletons of the monks. Katara explained that Aang was trapped in the ice for a century (even though to him it felt like only a few days) and the Fire Nation had since then killed all Air Nomads because they knew the Avatar would be born into that tribe. The three kids and Appa went to the Southern Earth Kingdom, where Fire Nation soldiers claimed to have seen Aang earthbending and arrested him because the Fire Nation outlawed all forms of bending. Tyro and other earthbenders agreed to be imprisoned in their village by the Fire Nation soldiers in exchange for the non-benders being allowed to live in peace. Aang and the earthbenders fought the Fire Nation, and then Katara and Sokka suggested that Aang go to meet Master Pakku in the Northern Water Tribe (where bending was still practiced) and learn to waterbend and then go to different teachers and learn to bend earth and fire. They would stop in other small villages along the way and start a rebellion by helping the weak people who were victimized by the Fire Nation. Aang agreed, but only after he explained that he ran away from learning the other three elements because he was told that a sacrifice the Avatar always had to make was having no family or normal life. Aang practiced waterbending as they moved from village to village in the Earth kingdom, but he was having trouble. Sokka suspected they were being followed, which they were by Zuko, Iroh, and the Fire Nation Colony Number 15. Fire Nation admiral Zhao’s spies discovered what was going on, and he reported to Ozai, who announced that it was now a race against time for Zhao to find the Avatar first before Zuko did otherwise Zuko would inherit the throne and that was the last thing Ozai wanted. While in the Northern Earth kingdom, Aang wanted to go to the Northern Air Temple and visit for one day because he had a vision at the Southern Air Temple prayer field where he spoke to a Dragon Spirit that could help them and he was convinced he could communicate with the Spirit World by going to the other temple. Sokka didn’t want Aang to leave because that could lead to capture by the Fire Nation, but Katara was okay with it and Aang went to the Northern temple. When he arrived, a man posing as a monk lured Aang into a chamber, where he was captured by Fire Nation soldiers and chained. Aang had another vision from the Dragon Spirit, who informed him that Commander Zhao stole scrolls from the Great Library which pinpointing the exact location of the Ocean and Moon Spirits. Aang was told to go to the Northern Water Tribe before more people suffered and died, and then he was rescued by a mysterious figure called the Blue Spirit. Aang and the Blue Spirit fought the Fire Nation soldiers, but then the Blue Spirit turned on Aang and tried to capture him. The Blue Spirit was injured and Aang escaped, and it turned out that Blue Spirit was in fact Zuko betraying the Fire Nation and trying to capture Aang himself. He recovered and returned to his warship, and Ozai told Zhao not to harm Zuko and he agreed he wouldn’t but then he sabotaged Zuko’s warship and Zuko almost burned to death but escaped. The kids arrived at the Northern Water Tribe, where Princess Yue and royal court agreed to let Aang train with Pakku. They knew they were taking the risk of war, so they prepared for it and Sukko volunteered to be Yue’s guard because she was his love interest. Ozai told Zhao to eliminate the Moon and Ocean Spirits because those were the only things making the waterbenders so powerful and difficult to defeat, and in the process they could thwart the Avatar. The Fire Nation arrived in the Northern Water Kingdom, and it was while Aang was meditating in a cave trying to speak to the Dragon Spirit that Zuko appeared. Katara was the only one that stayed with Aang, and she fought Zuko’s firebending with waterbending but she was struck by fire and knocked out just long enough for Zuko to capture Aang after Katara was caught off guard. Aang had another vision, and the Dragon Spirit told him that as the Avatar, he was not meant to hurt others and he needed to use the ocean to show the Fire Nation the power of water. Aang tried to escape, and that led to violent hand-to-hand combat between him and Zuko until Katara appeared and froze Zuko in ice. The waterbenders fought the firebenders, and General Iroh tried to tell Zhao that his men needed to retreat by night because otherwise the Moon Spirit would appear to help the waterbenders. Zhao replied that he and Ozai decided it would be best to kill the Moon Spirit, and Iroh tried to convince Zhao not to harm the spirits because otherwise everyone would be hurt and the world would go out of balance. Zhao ignored Iroh and captured the Spirits that were in fish form, and then he killed the Spirits declaring that the Fire Nation was now the gods. Iroh told Yue that the reason she was born was to give her life back to the Moon Spirit to save her people, and by doing that her soul would no longer exist in human form. Yue agreed and kissed Sokka before she sacrificed herself (died) to the Moon Spirit, and that resurrected the Spirit. Four waterbenders killed Zhao, and Aang fought the Fire Nation Soldiers and then summoned the ocean into a wall of water that sent the Fire Nation warships surrendering and turning back the way they came. Katara told Aang that all the nations wanted him to be their Avatar and the Fire Nation (red/black) and Water tribe (blue/white) bowed down to Aang. Meanwhile, Ozai stated that the Sozin’s Comet would return in three years and would give all Firebenders the highest ability to use their own Chi (Chinese life force) to create Fire. Since his son proved to be a failure, Ozai asked his 14-year-old daughter Azula if she accepted the responsibility of finding the Avatar and stopping him from master Earth and Fire so the Fire Nation could win their war and prove their dominance when the comet came, and Azula agreed. This movie had a budget of $150 million and grossed over $319 million at the box office. James Oster, JOBLO.com quoted on the movie packaging, “An action-packed, exciting family film.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/9/23

TITLE: Into The Woods 

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 2014 Walt Disney

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in a small village in a faraway kingdom at the edge of the woods and began with Cinderella wanting to go to the King’s Festival at the palace and her evil stepmother and stepsisters Lucinda and Florinda (all dressed in black) agreed she could attend but only after she finished all the chores. Cinderella called for her bird friends to help her, and then Cinderella pinned up one of her stepsister’s hair too tight, and she yelped and slapped Cinderella to the floor and then both Stepsisters laughed about it. A young boy named Jack was scolded and smacked by his mother for bringing the cow, Milky-White, into the house and trying to milk her. Jack kept calling the cow a “he,” instead of “she,” and his mother was at her wit’s end because she had told Jack many times that Jack could only milk a female cow. Mother told Jack to take Milky-White to the market in another village (because everyone in their village knew Milky White hadn’t milked in weeks and would never buy her, or “him,” as Jack insisted on calling the cow) and sell her for no less than five pounds because they had no food or money. The childless baker and his wife gave Little Red Riding Hood some bread to take to her Granny in the woods. The crazy Witch from next door then appeared and informed Baker and his wife that they would never have a child unless they did exactly as she said. There was a Blue Moon occurring in three days that only happened once every one hundred years, and that was when the curse could be broken. Witch explained that when Baker’s mother was with child, she was hungry for greens so her husband went next door and stole food from Witch’s garden. She sang about how “He was robbing me, raping me…” and then decided to let Mr. Baker take the food but wanted in exchange the child his wife would have. Witch’s mother placed a curse of ugliness on her and turned her into a filthy hag because she had warned Witch about not losing the magic beans from her garden and it turned out Baker’s dad stole those too. Witch announced that Baker’s father cried and his mother died when Witch came to take away Baker’s newborn sister and hide her where she would never be found, but Witch still wasn’t satisfied so she placed a curse on the Baker family that their family tree from then on would always be a barren one (since she believed that Baker shouldn’t be a father because his own father wasn’t a good one and deserted his son after his wife’s death). Witch instructed the couple to go into the woods and bring her the white cow, red cape, yellow hair, and gold slipper before midnight in three days’ time, and then she would reverse the curse and give Baker and his wife a child. Baker’s wife wanted to come with him, but he told her no and left by himself. All the characters went into the woods for different reasons: Lil’ Red went to Granny’s house, Baker went to find the four requested items, Cinderella went to first visit her mother’s tree grave and make a wish because her Stepmother and Stepsisters left without her, and Jack went to sell Milky-White. Cinderella sat before the tree and wished to go to the Festival, and then her wish was granted by her dead mother (no fairy godmother) and she was dressed in a gown and gold slippers. The evil Mr. Wolf stalked Lil’ Red through the woods and caused her to stray from the path that her mother told her to follow. She slipped up and told Mr. Wolf where Granny lived, and he left her alone for now. Lil’ Red was then approached by Baker, who tore her cape off her and tried to steal it but then gave it back to her when she screamed. It turned out Baker’s wife followed him into the woods, and the adults convinced young Jack that the beans they had (which Baker’s wife found in her husband’s father’s jacket which he refused to wear) were magic. They traded five beans (keeping one for themselves) for Milky-White on the condition that Jack could someday buy the cow back. Baker sent his wife home, and Jack went back home. Jack’s mother was angry that he sold the cow for a handful of beans instead of money, and she smacked her son again and tossed the beans to the ground. Lil’ Red noticed that the door to Granny’s house was open, and then she discovered that Mr. Wolf was dressed up as Granny and was in her bed. He devoured Lil’ Red whole just as he did with Granny, and Baker heard Lil’ Red’s scream as he was passing by. He used a knife to kill Mr. Wolf and slice his stomach open. As a reward for rescuing her and her Granny, Lil’ Red gave Baker her red cape because she said her Granny would make her another cape, this one out of the wolf’s skin. At the festival, Prince Charming danced only with Cinderella the entire night until she left suddenly to return home, so the prince decided to go after her. On her way home, Baker’s wife ran into Cinderella, who hid while the prince and his stewards went by on horseback. Baker’s wife lied that she didn’t see a woman in a ballgown run by and they continued on their way. Baker’s wife badgered Cinderella about what it was like dancing with the prince, and she replied that it wasn’t what she expected and then hurried off just as the clock struck midnight and the first midnight was up. Baker’s wife noticed Cinderella’s gold slipper and tried to chase after her to get it, but she got away and Baker’s wife had to chase after Milky-White who ran off. The next morning, a giant beanstalk reaching all the way up into the sky had grown out of the scattered beans. Jack climbed the beanstalk and discovered the kingdom of the Giants. Jack ran to tell Baker that he stole five huge gold pieces from the Giants. Jack sang about how there was a female Giantess who gave him food and rest as she drew him close to her giant breast, but then another Giant went after Jack to eat him so he stole what he could and went back down the beanstalk. Jack gave Baker the five huge gold coins and asked to have Milky-White, but Baker knew that he needed the cow to break the spell so he told Jack that the cow was at home with his wife and Jack could no longer have the cow. Jack ran off to the bakery, and Baker’s wife appeared and admitted that she lost Milky-White and she and her husband argued about it. Witch reminded them they had only until midnight the following day to bring her the items, and Baker apologized to his wife and sent her on her way home where she was supposed to have been all along but she didn’t make it there because she was searching for Milky-White. The Baker’s wife overheard another prince telling Prince Charming that he found a fair maiden named Rapunzel, who was locked away in a tower by Witch and had yellow hair that reached all the way to the ground. The prince said he would climb up Rapunzel’s hair like a rope to be with her, but Prince Charming didn’t believe him so the two dandy men burst into song about their failures at attempting to woo their maidens (Rapunzel and Cinderella). Baker’s wife knew then where to get the yellow hair, and by nightfall she found Rapunzel’s tower and called for her to let down her hair. Rapunzel thought it was her prince, and Baker’s wife responded by speaking in a deep and manly voice. Baker’s wife then grabbed Rapunzel’s hair and caught it on something sharp jutting out of the tower so half of Rapunzel’s hair was cut off. Cinderella attended the second night of the Festival, and it was chaos because she ran from the Prince again after dancing with him. Baker’s wife tried to tackle Cinderella and get her shoe, but Cinderella got the shoe back and ran away just as the prince and his stewards came on horseback and demanded to know who Cinderella was and where she was going. Baker’s wife said she tried to capture and hold Cinderella for the prince, but he said he could rescue his own damsel and galloped off telling Baker’s wife to be careful because it was dangerous in the woods. Meanwhile, Baker jumped onto the side of Stepmother and Stepsisters’ carriage as they went by, and they screamed and got away from him because he was trying to compare their hair color to an ear of corn. Milky-White showed up and so did Baker’s wife, and Jack appeared as well with a golden egg that came out of a magical hen he stole from the Giants after climbing the beanstalk again. He gave the egg to the Baker couple in addition to the coins in exchange for Milky-White, and Baker argued that he never said he would let Jack buy the cow back. Milky-White then collapsed and died on the spot, and Witch announced that the second midnight was up. Then, Rapunzel’s prince visited her in her tower, and Witch spotted him climbing down Rapunzel’s hair and leaving, so she sent bramble thorns to blind him. Witch (Rapunzel’s mother) was angry that Rapunzel disobeyed her and let the prince enter her tower, so Witch cut off the rest of Rapunzel’s hair and told her that the prince would never see her again. Jack and Lil’ Red encountered each other, and she didn’t believe that he found real Giants. He decided to prove that he did by climbing up the beanstalk a third time and getting a golden harp from the Giant. However, now the Giant was very angry and followed Jack down the beanstalk, so Jack used an axe to cut down the beanstalk and the whole forest shook as it fell. The Giant was also killed. On the third and final night of the Festival, Cinderella fled from Prince Charming once again, but she discovered that someone poured sticky pitch on the palace stairs so her shoes were stuck. Time froze and gave Cinderella the chance to decide if she wanted to be with the prince or go back to the village and live with Stepmother and Stepsisters. Cinderella then realized that she didn’t need to decide, so she left one shoe behind for Prince Charming in hopes that he would chase after her and she would know if he truly cared about her. Prince Charming did just that, and Baker’s wife told Cinderella that she needed her gold shoe to have a child and offered her the last magic bean. Cinderella thought that was ridiculous and threw the bean aside, but then she gave Baker’s wife her shoe in exchange for the other woman’s shoes so she could run away faster. A steward tried to take the shoe from Baker’s wife, but Prince Charming said they only needed one shoe so he allowed Baker’s wife to keep it. Prince Charming and the stewards went into the village in search of the maiden whose foot fit the slipper, and when he found her he would marry her. Neither of her daughters’ foot would fit in the slipper (because it fit only Cinderella’s foot), so Stepmother cut off one of Florinda’s toes and Lucinda’s heel telling both of them that it wouldn’t matter if they were the prince’s wife because they would never need to walk. However, the steward noticed blood dripping from Florinda’s foot and she was dismissed, and Lucinda tried to hide her pain as she walked out of the house but she passed out. Stepmother didn’t want the prince to see the third maiden of the house, but Cinderella came anyway and the slipper fit her foot. Prince Charming was happy to finally have his bride, and for their wickedness, Cinderella’s birds blinded the Stepsisters. Witch banished Rapunzel to a swamp in the darkness of the forest, and it was there that the blind prince found Rapunzel. Rapunzel’s tears fell on the prince’s eyes and restored his sight, and then they kissed. In the woods, Baker and his wife joined back up together with all four items and tried to give them to Witch, and she noticed that the cow was not white because the baker got another cow and covered it in flour to trick the Witch thinking she would prefer a live cow. She replied that she would, but if they led her to Milky-White she could bring the cow back to life. Jack’s mother and the others appeared and Witch chanted a spell to resurrect Milky-White. She then instructed Baker and his wife to feed the items to the cow, but she still gave no milk. Witch then announced that Baker and his wife would never have their child because they had the wrong ingredients. It turned out that Baker’s wife got the yellow hair from Rapunzel, and Witch had touched that hair and the spell wouldn’t work if she touched any of the items. Jack suggested they use the silky hair from the corncob, and Baker fed it to Milky-White (Jack’s pal) and she immediately gave milk. Witch drank the milk just as the Blue Moon appeared, and she was made beautiful again while Baker’s wife’s stomach ballooned and she was pregnant instantly. Cinderella and Prince Charming got married along with Rapunzel and her prince, Jack was reunited with Milky-White and he and his mother were rich because of all the gold Jack stole, and Baker and his wife had a baby boy. However, they didn’t live happily ever after because then the second beanstalk (which grew from the bean that Cinderella refused to take from Baker’s wife) sent the palace shaking and everyone panicking. Prince Charming reassured the villagers that it was just an earthquake and told them to go on with their lives while he investigated the disturbance. Baker and his wife found Lil’ Red, who explained that her village collapsed and she had planned to move in with her Granny since she couldn’t find her mother, but she couldn’t find Granny’s cottage either since the entire forest now looked different. The three joined up with Stepmother and Stepsisters and a royal steward, and then the female Giantess from the Giant kingdom appeared and demanded to have Jack, the boy who killed her husband. Jack’s mother confronted the Giantess and screamed angrily at her that she was going to hide Jack where the Giantess would never find him. The steward threw Jack’s mother aside and she was injured and then died when she fell, and the steward told the Giantess that Jack was hiding in the steeple tower and the Giantess threatened to come back for the rest of them later that night if Jack was not where they said he was. Witch announced that they needed to give Jack to the Giantess for the greater good because it would be better for her to kill just Jack (one person) instead of half the kingdom. Witch went to find Rapunzel, who didn’t recognize Witch because of how different she looked. Rapunzel then realized that Witch was the one who blinded her prince and locked her in a tower, so she ran away on the back of her prince’s horse telling her mother she never wanted to see her again. Baker and his wife left their baby with Lil’ Red while they went in separate directions to find Jack. Baker’s wife encountered Prince Charming, and he told her that she was brave for being in the woods alone. He started singing about all the things that could happen in the woods and told Baker’s wife that they needed to seize the moment. He repeatedly tried to kiss her, and she kept pulling away saying it wasn’t right because they were both married to different people. Baker found Cinderella, who was upset because her mother’s tree fell and said Prince Charming would take care of the giant terrorizing the land. Baker recognized Cinderella as the princess, and she explained that she had to disguise herself as the old Cinderella because she wasn’t allowed to leave the palace unescorted. He told Cinderella that she would be safe in the others’ company, and she agreed to go with him. After they kissed some more, Prince Charming galloped away and Baker’s wife was shocked that a prince kissed her and wondered if it was wrong for her to kiss him back. Witch walked by dragging Jack behind her because she planned to take him to the Giantess, and then Baker noticed that Jack held the scarf he gave his wife. Jack explained that he found Baker’s wife dead at the bottom of a cliff after she tried to flee from a giant. Then, in song, nobody could figure out whose fault it was and then they all decided that it was the Witch’s fault. The Witch scream-sang about how it was until they finally agreed Witch was the one to blame, and she scream-sang about how it was the last midnight and she was going to put another curse on everyone. She then sank into the ground and was never seen again. Baker ran off and said that his child would be happier in the arms of Princess Cinderella, and Baker’s dad appeared before him. Baker didn’t want to speak to him, but his dad told him that he was running away from his guilt, shame, and his son just like the dad did, and he told his son to do better because he didn’t want Baker to make that same mistake. Baker broke down in tears and then went back to retrieve his son, and he announced that they were going to use Jack as bait and pretend to feed him to the Giantess. Cinderella spoke to the birds and they agreed to do their part, and they also told her about Prince Charming cheating on her. He came across Cinderella and told her to go back to the castle, and she replied that she wasn’t the prince’s only love because otherwise he wouldn’t have strayed. She didn’t know what kind of king he would be when he acted this way as prince, and he replied that he was raised to be charming, not sincere, and Cinderella told him to leave. Prince Charming announced that he would always love the maiden who ran away, and she agreed that she would always love the faraway prince. Lil’ Red was worried that her mother and Granny wouldn’t be proud of her because she was about to kill the Giantess (technically a person). Cinderella sang to the little girl that her mother wasn’t there to guide her or tell her what was right and wrong, but Cinderella was so the little girl wasn’t alone. Baker sang the same song to Jack (after telling Jack that his mother was dead and Jack wanted to slay the steward and the Giantess) about how everyone, including parents, made mistakes so the children needed to decide what was right and good but remember someone was on their side (GOD IS and HIS People!). Jack climbed up into a tree as the Giantess appeared, and the birds went after her face to distract her. Jack (David) then slung a rock at the Giantess (Goliath), and it hit her right in the forehead and she tumbled to the ground dead. Everyone rescued Baker out from underneath branches that fell with the Giantess, and because the children had no home or parents to go to, Baker agreed that they could live with them. Baker also invited Cinderella to live with him too, and she agreed and said that she could help him with the house. Baker took the baby from Cinderella and went off by himself to calm the crying infant. He heard his wife’s voice in his head telling him to be father and mother and he would know what to do even though he didn’t know how to be a dad since his dad never showed him. Baker decided to tell the baby the story of everything that happened to them, and it calmed the child for the moment. This movie had a budget of $50 million and grossed over $213 million and was released on Christmas day, and Leonard Maltin was listed on the movie cover art as stating “One of the year’s best films.”

  

DATE REVIEWED: 8/8/23

TITLE: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead

BOX OFFICE RATED: PG (This is not suitable for GOD’s children and it is NOT PG material.)

PRODUCTION YEAR: 1991 Warner Bros/HBO Home Video/Cinema Plus L.P./Mercury/Douglas Films/Outlaw Productions

RATING [1 LEAST FAVORITE TO 5 HIGHLY RECOMMENDED]: 1

REASON: This movie takes place in Los Angeles, California, and began with divorced Mrs. Crandell leaving for Australia for two months on a trip paid by her boyfriend to visit his sheep ranch and left behind her five children (17-year-old Sue Ellen “Swell,” Kenneth “Kenny,” the second oldest, 14-year-old Zach, 12-year-old Melissa, and 11-year-old Walter) and the dad was completely out of the picture. High school graduate Sue Ellen told her friends (Nicole, Katrina, Becky, Jill and Tess) that she was a free woman and could do anything with her mom’s car for the entire summer. Mom was distracted packing for her trip and with last minute details so Zach tried to raid mom’s wallet and steal her traveling cash, but she caught him. Outside, tomboy Melissa used a magnifying glass and the sun to fry bugs alive, and was upset that her mom was was leaving for Australia. Melissa wanted to play Little League ball. Mom told the kids she needed a break after 37 years and five children. All the girlfriends, crammed into a convertible, dropped Sue Ellen off at her house as Kenny was leaving to get in a carful of other teens, ignoring his mom. He warned his older sister that Mom was in a Terminator mood, when in reality she was just trying to get her lazy children to help out around the house since Kenny refused to mow the lawn and take out the trash and decided to leave with his druggie friends again. Zach told Mom that she was shirking her parental responsibilities, but Sue Ellen reassured her mom that everything was going to be great once she was gone (Barbie power…better than parents raising kids). It then turned out that Mom hired Mrs. Sturak, an elderly babysitter to take care of the kids, and they weren’t happy about that. Mrs. Sturak said she had no family of her own and she loved taking care of children.  Sue Ellen smoked her cigarette and Mom reminded her to register for City College (Who do you think raised Sue Ellen all those years to adulthood successfully…the eldest child didn’t do that by herself). Sue Ellen meanly replied (she didn’t like having sitter) that she hadn’t decided if she was going to do that yet. As soon as Mom left to catch her Australia bound flight, very elderly Mrs. Sturak blew her whistle and straightened the kids out pronto telling them it was time to go over the rules. Sue Ellen got lippy, so Mrs. Sturak took the cigarette right out of the teen’s mouth and stamped it out with her cane. Mrs. Sturak said that TV rotted your brain, so she shut off Walter the TV fanatic’s show and sent him upstairs to his room to read a huge book and give a full report on the life of the aardvark by the following morning. Later that night, as Zach was in a car outside the house and about to kiss his classmate, Cynthia, Mrs. Sturak interrupted. She sent Cynthia running home and dragged Zach into the house by the ear. Mrs. Sturak also said it was time for little girls to dress like little girls. She put Melissa in a pink dress, and once she turned her back Melissa gave her the middle finger. Mrs. Sturak then went to Kenny’s room, where he had a British flag hanging up along with a marijuana plant poster and nude photos of a woman and music blasting even though he wasn’t home. Mrs. Sturak almost had a heart attack on the spot after seeing the dirty clothes and days-old food strewn everywhere, so she hurried out of there. Sue Ellen told Nicole on the phone that God was definitely ticked off at her because she had no money, no boyfriend and all her friends would be in Europe for the summer. The younger kids came into the room wearing name tags that Mrs. Sturak gave them, and they announced that they needed to get rid of the old lady who even had a daily chores list set up assigning chores to each of the kids. The children kids retaliated by saying they were going to kick the (eldery woman) babysitter’s a** and let her know they were in charge. Sue Ellen went to talk to Mrs. Sturak, but Mrs. Sturak wasn’t responding and Sue Ellen realized something was wrong. The eldest daughter turned Mrs. Sturak around in her chair, and when she touched the elderly woman, Mrs. Sturak fell dead to the floor and all Sue Ellen could say was OMG. Kenny came home (wearing his ripped jeans that had holes under his back pockets showing part of his underwear) and snuck a paper bag containing a marijuana plant up to his room. However, because he was so stoned already the plant tipped right over and broke something glass so Kenny said the f word out loud. All five kids went downstairs and had a powwow about what to do with Mrs. Sturak’s dead body, which they put a sheet over. They considered calling the cops or an ambulance, but that would lead to a lot of questioning and then their mom would be called home, and they didn’t want that because they liked their freedom life without parents. The kids then squeezed Mrs. Sturak dead body inside a storage container trunk and rolled it on a skateboard to the car where they loaded it up and tied it to the back end to drive the deceased woman away from the house. Leaving the youngest kids home alone, eldest Sue Ellen drove Kenny to the Groman Eden Mortuary where they left the storage trunk with the dead body inside along with a note reading “Nice old lady inside, died of natural causes,” at the front door and left. The next day, the five minor siblings took off, in Mrs. Sturak’s car, to go to the market for party supplies (mom told the kids no parties). Sue Ellen told Zach that life went on and she was going to drive the classic car because the kids were now in charge of the money that their mom left with the babysitter. However, they discovered that there was no money in the envelope because Mrs. Sturak had hidden it so the kids wouldn’t find it. Sue Ellen turned the car around in the middle of traffic almost causing an accident and she sped back to the house. The kids turned it upside down looking for the money, but then they realized that Mrs. Sturak had the cash with her when she died and now they couldn’t get it. When Mom called, Sue Ellen lied that she was looking after everything because Mrs. Sturak was on a date with a mortician. Kenny announced that there was no way they could make it through two months surviving off only the basic necessities so he was considering going to stay at Lizard’s house. Melissa chimed in that when their food was gone they could eat the family corgi dog, Elvis. Sue Ellen said that they didn’t’ need an adult telling them what to do and they would have a great summer by sticking together. Sue Ellen and Kenny then flipped a pizza box instead of a coin, and it was decided that Sue Ellen would get a job while Kenny would stayed home to watch the kids (as though the two were married). Sue Ellen tried to get a job flipping burgers at the greasy Clown Dog restaurant, but she couldn’t stand scrubbing the dirty dishes, scraping the spitballs off the drive-thru window, and always putting on a happy face like Mr. Egg the manager told her to do. Sue Ellen quit the burger job on the spot and applied for the receptionist opening at General Apparel West (GAW), and had copied credentials (design assistant for a Tokyo company, Bloomingdales, Calvin Klein, Vogue magazine, and Esprit) from someone else’s resume and put them on her own resume. Sue Ellen wore her mom’s work clothes to GAW, where she instantly bonded with Rose Lindsey (the senior vice president of operations) because Sue Ellen bonded with the VP by trashing Carolyn the receptionist in her mean description of Carolyn when Rose came by to speak to Carolyn. After reading Sue Ellen’s resume, Rose said that Carolyn was supposed to be promoted to be Rose’s executive administrative assistant, but Rose couldn’t stand Carolyn so she asked Sue Ellen to be her assistant while Carolyn stayed in her receptionist position. Rose decided to hire Sue Ellen on the spot without going through HR and said she would just tell them she hired outside the company. Sue Ellen agreed and confirmed that she was 27 or 28 years old, and then Rose introduced Sue Ellen to her coworker boyfriend, Gus Brandon, the vice president of marketing. Later on, Sue Ellen and Kenny took the kids to the arcade, where she told him that she was getting paid $37,500 a year and he told her there was no way she was going to survive that job. When five children got outside, they spotted three drag queens (dressed as Dolly, Marilyn Monroe, and Liza Minnelli) stealing Mrs. Sturak’s car, and the kids tried to run after the fake men but the criminals escaped. The kids didn’t want to report Mrs. Sturak’s car stolen to the police because it wasn’t even their car and then they would have to explain their connection with the now dead elderly woman babysitter. Walter cried for his mom because they were stranded in the dark outside the arcade. All of Sue Ellen’s friends were in Europe for the summer and all of Kenny’s friends required money bribes in order to give rides, so they couldn’t call them and Sue Ellen ended up calling Bryan, an employee she liked from Clown Dog, to pick them all up in the company food truck. As Sue Ellen and Bryan talked outside the house, Kenny couldn’t handle the children and went to tell his older sister that the kids were fighting over the last Sno-Ball, the last piece of food they had. He then ran back inside because the younger kids were breaking things, and Bryan offered the leftovers from his dinner deliveries. Sue Ellen refused to take them but then agreed after the kids could be heard screaming inside the house because they were hungry. Bryan invited Sue Ellen to the grunion run at the beach on a date and she agreed. Sue Ellen went to GAW again and was starting to regret her lies because she didn’t realize all the work involved with the executive admin position and knew nothing about computers and spreadsheets, but then she met office worker Cathy Henderson who offered to do any work for Sue Ellen that she didn’t want to do. Sue Ellen immediately took advantage of that and got a whole stack of paperwork off her desk at once by giving it to Cathy. Kenny got a call from Mom in Aussieland, and he lied to her that Mrs. Sturak wasn’t home because she went to the yarn store to get yarn for the doily she was crocheting for the couch. Rose gave Sue Ellen the key to the cash box and told her to guard it with her life and leave receipts for all the money taken out. Sue Ellen could cash personal checks for the employees (because they worked crazy hours and didn’t have time to go to the bank) and things like that, and at that moment Rose wanted Sue Ellen to use some of the petty cash to buy lunch. The moment Rose left, Sue Ellen stuffed a wad of fifties into her purse from work petty cash and use it to buy groceries for the five kids home alone. As Sue Ellen tried to relax in the bathtub after work at home, Kenny and his friends were in his room smoking pot and blasting loud music. The delinquent boys decided to get Elvis the dog high and laughed about how the canine’s eyes looked, as he lay still on the floor with a knife beside them. Sue Ellen walked into the room wrapped in only a bath towel and told the five stoned boys (with Elvis finally sitting up) to turn their music down, but they were all high and not in their right mind to respond. Sue Ellen (with much growing up to do herself) yelled at Kenny calling him a lazy and worthless punk for not mowing the lawn and leaving her to get a full-time job to support the family. She stormed out of the room to get ready for her beach date with Bryan, and the potheads dismissed it as PMS City. On the beach, Bryan told Sue Ellen that he might go to UCSD for oceanography, and even though he loved it and that was what his parents wanted him to do, he wasn’t sure if that was what he wanted to do with his life. Sue Ellen said she was considering registering for fall fashion design classes at City College, but she didn’t know if that was the right path for her. Sue Ellen and Bryan then kissed. Another day, Sue Ellen told Kenny that all the food she bought the previous day was gone, and he replied that he had a party for some friends and they could afford it since Sue Ellen was a career woman now. She handed Kenny some cash and told him to use it to buy food for the kids, and he thought Sue Ellen got paid but she replied that it was petty cash that she stole and she would pay the money back after she got her paycheck that was over $1,000. Sue Ellen told Kenny to mow the lawn and do the dishes and said she didn’t want his friends hanging around the house. However, instead of doing what he was told, Kenny and his friends hung out on the roof shooting a gun at plates that they threw into the air. Gus invited Sue Ellen to lunch at a fancy restaurant since Rose wasn’t around, and it was there that he told her he and Rose had only been together for a few months and agreed that they were not exclusive because so Gus could date other women. Gus offered to pay for an alcoholic drink for Sue Ellen (not knowing she was a minor teenager because she refused to tell him her age) because the special occasion was their first lunch together. He said that before long they would be sharing their intimate histories and stories of their first time and even sharing cigarettes in postcoital bliss. Sue Ellen couldn’t believe that Gus was already talking about them having sex, and he told her to slow down because she was moving too fast for him but it could be arranged if it interested her. Sue Ellen and Rose then sat down and discussed how Rose planned to convince the school superintendent that mandatory school uniforms were necessary for the safety of the kids, and it was a win-win because it would also boost GAW sales. Sue Ellen wasn’t sure about that because the kids at her high school liked to wear their own style instead of boring conforming uniforms. Sue Ellen and Bryan hung out at the toy department of a store bouncing around on the exercise balls until an employee ran them off. As Bryan dropped Sue Ellen off at her home he invited her to a Dodgers game that his sister (Carolyn) and her boyfriend had extra box seat tickets for. Sue Ellen replied that she couldn’t because she just remembered that she hated baseball, so they agreed that just the two of them would do something else. She kept saying she had to work but refused to say where she worked, and Bryan thought she was doing something illegal or working for the mob. Sue Ellen replied that she just didn’t want him to know and he should respect her privacy. She told him to stop acting like Henry VIII, and Bryan said he was sorry he cared and broke up with Sue Ellen because he was worried she was seeing another guy even though she denied it. Kenny fed the kids burnt waffles for breakfast, and Sue Ellen complained about Kenny blasting the air conditioning because she was the one who had to pay the bills and told him to keep the thermostat at 76 degrees. Zach stole Sue Ellen’s petty cash from her purse, and the younger kids saw and didn’t say anything so Walter stole some of the cash too. When Sue Ellen got to work, red roses were on her desk and two tickets to the symphony, and a note from Gus saying that Sue Ellen was the one he wanted to listen to beautiful music with. Rose barged in and announced that the school board was going to vote on the uniform thing and she was finally going to prove herself to New York. Sue Ellen hid the envelope with her name on it behind her back and gave Rose the tickets and note from Gus telling her the roses and ticket was for Rose. Rose told Sue Ellen that she was glowing and felt like a teenager because she had a 48-hour orgasm after going away to Santa Barbara with Gus for the weekend. Carolyn then stole Sue Ellen’s resume from the HR Personnel office at work and Carolyn thought that Sue Ellen copied it out of the resume book. Carolyn was told by co-worker Bruce, the head inventory clerk, that Rose wouldn’t care because she loved Sue Ellen and Carolyn needed to dig up some more dirt before reporting anything. Rose told Sue Ellen to get the QED report, and Sue Ellen went to get it from Cathy but there was a temp in her office because Cathy was sick. At that moment, Cathy came to work with the report and gave it to Carolyn to give to Sue Ellen. Sue Ellen overheard Carolyn telling Bryan to just forget about Sue Ellen because she wasn’t worth it and he deserved better. Sue Ellen quickly escaped into another room before she could be spotted by Bryan, and the room turned out to be Gus’s office and he took her barging in to mean that she accepted his invitation to the symphony and wanted to date him. She replied that she wasn’t interested in Gus at all and quickly left. Walter used his share of the stolen petty cash money to buy a state-of-the-art Japanese home entertainment center, and after it was delivered to the house he learned that something wrong with the TV antenna. However, Kenny was too busy in his room getting wasted with his friends and refused to help Walter, so the little boy climbed up the ladder on the side of the house to fix the antenna but he ended up rolling off the roof onto the ground and breaking his leg upon impact. Sue Ellen received her paycheck, and then Rose demanded to have the QED report. Carolyn came to the rescue and gave Rose the report telling her that Cathy brought it by and she had been covering for Sue Ellen and explained that Cathy had been doing all of Sue Ellen’s work for her, on top of Cathy’s own work. Rose actually congratulated Sue Ellen for delegating responsibility in the workplace by having others do her job. Rose (not caring that Cathy did the work of two people) told Carolyn to keep her eye on Sue Ellen if she ever wanted to be executive material and get promoted. Carolyn then received a call from River Ridge Hospital and told Sue Ellen that there was an emergency with her son. Rose said she didn’t know that Sue Ellen had a son, and Sue Ellen rushed to the hospital quickly explaining that she was divorced. Sue Ellen introduced herself to Dr. Permutter as Mrs. Crandell, Walter’s mom, and Dr. Permutter replied that her young son (little brother), Walter, had a clean break that would heal nicely. Sue Ellen later demanded to know from Kenny what Walter was doing on the roof and why he fell off, and Kenny replied that he should have been with Walter taking care of him but he wasn’t. In the car driving home, Sue Ellen was mad that her paycheck was only $735 instead of over $1,000 because they took half her money away for taxes, savings and a pension plan and she only had enough to cover what they spent with the petty cash. Back at home, Sue Ellen found the TV system, and she looked in her wallet to see that there was only $30 left saying that she couldn’t believe what the kids did because they would never steal from Mom (to which Zach replied that Mom never had so much money in her purse). Melissa chimed in that Zach bought Cynthia a Zsa Zsa diamond ring and Melissa got a bike, and Sue Ellen was irate that her younger siblings spent over $3,000 and she grounded all of them. Kenny said that the kids didn’t steal, they borrowed and were following Sue Ellen’s irresponsible example. Sue Ellen said that she might get thrown in prison for being an embezzler, but she wasn’t going to give up and was going to economize instead by working overtime so she could replace the money after a few more paychecks. However, at work Rose informed Sue Ellen that the school board rejected the pitch because the students got wind of the uniform mandate and protested by burning uniforms in effigy. Rose was in such a hissy-fit mode that she spilled the candy jar onto the floor, and she gathered up the candy and put some of the pieces back in the jar and ate some too. Rose wasn’t really worried about getting fired, but Sue Ellen said she needed the job (because the older teen needed to pay for her many many mistakes). Rose told Sue Ellen to break the news to designer Franklin because Sue Ellen dealt with him better. Sue Ellen gave crying Franklin encouraging words that Rose said her earlier. After walking the design floor and seeing the school uniforms that were designed for the children, Sue Ellen was able to understand why they would protest. She put together some new outfits and presented them to Rose, who said the designs were fabulous and would save their butts. She added that they needed to keep it silent and not tell New York because they wouldn’t approve the funding. When Rose wanted Sue Ellen to use the petty cash funding to rent a banquet hall, Sue Ellen replied that banquet halls were impersonal (because she had already spent all the money and didn’t have any left) as they were driving away in Rose’s car. Sue Ellen suggested they have the banquet at her house, and when she returned to her house she gathered the siblings around and told them they were a family of felons and their summer of freedom would become a winter prison if they didn’t help. She threatened that she would turn them all in to the authorities if they didn’t clean the pigsty house by Saturday night for the work party. WOW, then all of a sudden after years of ignoring parents, the kids decided to do what they should have doing all along helping Mom and cleaning up the place. They got their questionable friends involved in the cleaning, and even Kenny mowed the lawn finally, the kitchen was much cleaner, and his cooking improved tremendously and was now edible thanks to Julia Child’s cooking show. At work, Sue Ellen showed Franklin and Rose the staff uniforms that she designed for the banquet. Now Sue Ellen (still wearing her mom’s work clothes) was in charge of the design committee and told everybody they were going to pull an all-nighter to get ready for Saturday. Melissa was on the Little League team. Kenny made the food for the banquet and improvised recipes because they didn’t have the cash to pay for some of the ingredients. Kenny even used double coupons to do the best he could with what money they had. Bruce overheard Sue Ellen on the phone telling Kenny that she didn’t have any more petty cash because she took it all. Later on, Sue Ellen got home late from work and Kenny told her that the kids were in bed and Zach was at Cynthia’s house. The older siblings argued (as though they were husband and wife) about how he fed the kids and worked all day on the casserole for the banquet. He told his sister that he felt unappreciated because he had to take care of the kids and do all the house chores (mowing the lawn and cooking), and Sue Ellen replied that she had to get up at 5:30 every morning to beat rush-hour traffic and worked eight hours behind a desk missing her Oprah TV shows every day of her summer vacation. She also drove home in the same bumper-to-bumper traffic with no air conditioning in the Volvo just so she could take care of her siblings and put food on the table. She asked Kenny if he wanted a medal for what he did at home versus what she did out in the workforce. Carolyn and Bruce snuck into Sue Ellen’s office that night and broke into the locked cash box with a screwdriver. Carolyn said she knew Sue Ellen was a phony but didn’t think she was a thief, and then they found the fake receipts for the party supplies where Sue Ellen paid for the upcoming banquet. Carolyn said it appeared to be all-legit and they wanted to hurry up out of there before they got caught, but then they noticed that Sue Ellen forgot her purse at work and it was on the desk. Carolyn opened it and found Sue Ellen’s California driver’s license in her wallet proving that she only 17 years old. With a guitar-shaped ice sculpture outside and the heart-shaped pool now filled with beautiful water (versus no water before) now ready for the party, eldest sister Sue Ellen in her black evening gown told her younger sister Melissa to call her “mom” because she was going to introduce Melissa to her boss and didn’t want any slip-ups that night. They even rehearsed what they were going to say, and then Kenny appeared with his hair cut short and neat and good manners all of a sudden. He was also wearing better clothing than he had ever been seen in and wore a Kenneth nametag as his waiter role for the evening. Melissa’s Little League baseball teammates were recruited to help with the serving and they wore the athletic uniforms designed by Rose’s team. Carolyn and Bruce showed up laughing about how they were going to have fun wrecking the party. Sue Ellen had a break and went into the kitchen to help Kenny prepare the food. Zach came in and said that Cynthia dumped him for Jacob and he was upset because Cynthia was his moon goddess. Big sister consoled him and asked if he could get the diamond back. Carolyn walked up to Rose and gave her a photocopy of Sue Ellen’s drivers’ license and told her that the night, the biggest event for GAW, rested in the hands of a child that Rose hired. Rose decided that Carolyn was vindictive and spiteful and wanted to attack Sue Ellen no matter what. Rose threw the photocopy on the ground telling Carolyn to grow up. Sue Ellen’s friends arrived from Europe to help her, and she sent them upstairs to change into their catwalk model clothes. Nicole couldn’t believe the change in Kenny and liked it. Gus came into the house and hounded Sue Ellen, and when she told him no again he suggested they have a wild, sweaty fling together not realizing she was only 17. Sue Ellen picked up a water gun and pointed it at Gus calling him a sleazeball, and he thought it was a game so he surrendered and held his hands up. Sue Ellen then used the water gun to spray the front of Gus’s crotch so it looked like he peed his pants, and when Rose appeared Sue Ellen told her that Gus had a crush on her. Rose wanted to know if Gus had been coming onto her employee, and Sue Ellen said yes and told her boss that the roses were sent to her and not Rose when Gus quoted the card about Rose being the one he wanted to listen to beautiful music with. Rose said they were all adults and had a presentation to get through, and she told Gus the buyer from Saks was looking for him and told Sue Ellen it was show time, so they left to do their jobs in peace for the moment. Rose took the podium overlooking the pool and told the backyard guests that Sue Ellen was recently awarded employee of the month and was responsible for all the fashion designs they were about to see. Sue Ellen told everyone that it was a new era for GAW and they redesigned their apparel accordingly for the teenage fashion wave of the future. Sue Ellen’s girlfriends modeled the designs and came out on the runway as Zach played the music and worked the colored lighting. The bellhop outfits, form-fitting nurse’s outfit, referee outfit with an oversized silk jersey, chef outfit, and a girlishly designed Boy Scout uniform with a female wearing it all created fun and sexy looks for the teenage girl. Unexpectedly, Bryan interrupted the event and used the speaker on the food truck to tell Sue Ellen to forget about the other guy. Mom showed up to the house and was wondering what was going on in the backyard as Sue Ellen went on with the show and tried to talk over Bryan professing his love for her. Bryan came into the backyard and Sue Ellen incorporated his outfit into the fashion show. The photographers went to take Bryan’s picture thinking his attire was a new design when it was actually his normal work getup. Kenny interrupted and whispered to Sue Ellen that Mom was home, and she looked over and saw her mom wave. Sue Ellen tried to end the presentation early, but Rose jumped up and told her to go finish it because Rose didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of all the people she invited. Kenny went to speak to Mom and distract her for a moment while Sue Ellen got back up onstage, but Mom yelled to Swell that she was in big trouble. Sue Ellen decided that she could no longer handle the pressure of what she created in her drama act faking life, so she came clean and told the crowd that she applied for a receptionist position and didn’t even know what the executive assistant did. She apologized for lying to everyone about everything and admitted she was only 17, had a curfew and just finished high school, and she couldn’t even vote yet. She added that this was supposed to be her summer vacation and she wasn’t supposed to be a career mom, and she couldn’t be the hub of their communication network. In the crowd, Carolyn told Bruce how humiliating it was for Sue Ellen, and Bruce said justice was served as Mom took the kids inside the house. Rose smoked a cigarette as everybody was leaving and she told Gus to go to hell. The kids dismissed Mom’s questioning and concerns about the party and Walter’s accident as though it were nothing and assured Mom that things would be okay. Sue Ellen took charge and told her mom to go to bed because she had a long flight and she was cranky and Kenny would make Mom some Belgian waffles in the morning when they could discuss it as adults. The eldest daughter (like Barbie) instructed the younger to do some chores and clean up the party as if Mom wasn’t even present. Mom tried to ask Kenny about his new look, and Sue Ellen butted in and told her mom that they would talk about it the following day. She sent Kenny off, and Melissa called her sister “mom,” but corrected herself. Sue Ellen sent her mom to her room and wouldn’t allow her to speak, and as Mom went she looked at her immaculate house and was baffled by the chance because it was a trashed pigsty weeks ago. When Kenny’s friends brought Carolyn her car, they had toilet-papered it. As Rose held another cigarette to her lips, Sue Ellen went outside and apologized to her. Rose said the buyers didn’t care anything about the scene at the party and they were all just a bunch of old whores. Rose went on to say that as a matter of fact, she was complimented on hiring a teenager as a marketing ploy and she already had seven meetings set up next week with potential buyers who all wanted the new GAW line. Rose offered Sue Ellen a job with the company, but Sue Ellen replied that she maybe wanted to go to design school because she still had a lot to learn. Rose offered to pull some strings to get Sue Ellen into Vassar, and then they hugged it out as though Rose and Sue Ellen were mother/daughter versus boss/employee because Sue Ellen treated that woman far better than her own mom. They made plans to get together for dinner the following week. As Kenny sat and talked with one of his stoner buds, he said he had a date with Nicole and couldn’t go to the beer party. He went on to say that he didn’t plan on being lazy in school anymore and wanted to actually apply himself in his classes and learn something. He was even considering going to culinary academy after school. Sue Ellen then went to see Bryan who was sat in his truck. He wanted to know if that was all she was hiding from him and wondered if she was a guy too on top of it all, but Sue Ellen replied no, that was all she was dishonest about. Bryan gave Sue Ellen a rose and asked her out for New Years’ Eve, and they hugged and kissed. After Sue Ellen told Bryan that she got away with everything that she lied about, Mom came out on the porch and asked where the babysitter was and Sue Ellen ignored her mom as though it never happened and didn’t feel she needed to answer. The movie ended with the mortuary workers leaving flowers at Mrs. Sturak’s gravesite and talking about how they never really knew her but since the old woman left them all the money (the two funeral parlor workers found the cash in her clothing), she deserved some flowers. That also meant they never reported her death and just took the money and buried her. Mrs. Sturak’s tombstone was inscribed with the words “Nice old lady inside, died of natural causes,” and the two men talked about going to Vegas that weekend with the rest of the money. This movie packaging had “PG,” for a rating but on the Internet had the movie listed as being rated “PG-13.” “It’s Home Alone Times Five,” Jeff Craig, Sixty Second Preview. 


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